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| About me, I’m 27 now and have been watching porn for a long long time but haven’t had much by way of actual sex. The first time I watched porn was in 4th grade when I found some of my parents’ vhs tapes in a drawer. Ever since I’ve been watching a lot of porn and that probably had a big effect on me. My first sexual experience was when I was in 6th grade. I snuck out to a high school part that I knew about from swim team and ended up having sex with a senior. I turned into his pet for a while even though I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help it. Whenever he’d call I’d go running. Eventually he tried to share me with one of his friends and I didn’t take that and left him.
The next boy I dated was when I was a freshman in high school and only a year older than me, but he was the one who introduced me to bondage. He liked to use handcuffs, collars, and gags. He pushed me harder and harder and all the while I had a safe word. Again I guess boys just can’t control themselves. He ignored my safe word when he had me tied up and was whipping me. I cried and kept yelling it but he kept whipping me then raped me anally and pissed on me. When he untied me I couldn’t stand for a while and when I could I dragged myself home and tried to bring myself together. When I couldn’t I raged and took a baseball bat and put him in the hospital.
I’ve dated since but haven’t been able to have sex, but I have had a very active toy and masturbation sex life with porn.
I tell you these things so you can understand that I will have trust issues and even though the only fantasies that can get me off are of bondage, pain, and/or humiliation or very large toys and fisting, I have some awful memories attached to the actual sexual acts.
For right now I only want to try and message with doms and subs so I can reassure myself that I might be able to trust somebody again. I’m not going to respond to one liners or questions if I’m collared of if I want to meet, but if you send me a message with content and I don’t respond right away I’m not ignoring you I’m just trying to think through it and work out how I feel and what to say.
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