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I was in the hospital and am now recuperating at home. Can't really spend much time at the computer as it is exhausting. My Guardian Dom is looking out for me, though :)
When my energy returns I hope to answer all who have sent messages. |
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I am so inexplicably tired. I have seen every hour since going to bed at 9. Now, at 5, I decided to come and correct some articles, and don't reall feel like doing that.
I am worried about this new mass in my girl's breast. I don't know if that changes the track we are on, if there is another track or if we derailed for good. Find out today. Keeping my hopes up though! And all the sweet emails from y'all have been wonderful.
There is one Dom on here who has made it his job to make sure I take care of myself...he has been a treasure and made me laugh on tough days. A Dom helping a Mistress, isn't it great?!?
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Well, I have survived dad going back into the hospital because there was an infection in his valve. He is home and doing fine...the VNA comes every other day and changes the dressing, make sure the other hole is healing (he had two tubes in.)
Found another lump in Mar's breast...which could mean that the current chemo isn't working since there were no lumps when we began this Gemzar thing...and this means we really have to think if there are any alternatives. Her oncologist didn't act like there were many alternatives, but we refuse to give up.
As for me, I missed my pre-op visit so I had to reschedule to the 18th. There are irregularities in my uterine wall that they need to take a closer look at. I don't have time for "me" but I guess I have to do it in order to take care of everyone else.
Until later... |
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Well, I have survived dad going back into the hospital because there was an infection in his valve. He is home and doing fine...the VNA comes every other day and changes the dressing, make sure the other hole is healing (he had two tubes in.)
Found another lump in Mar's breast...which could mean that the current chemo isn't working since there were no lumps when we began this Gemzar thing...and this means we really have to think if there are any alternatives. Her oncologist didn't act like there were many alternatives, but we refuse to give up.
As for me, I missed my pre-op visit so I had to reschedule to the 18th. There are irregularities in my uterine wall that they need to take a closer look at. I don't have time for "me" but I guess I have to do it in order to take care of everyone else.
Until later... |
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I am shutting down a bit. I have read all the emails sent to me but haven't responded to any of them. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate them, I just don't have it in me right now to respond to everyone. I will...give me a week to kind of meditate on what is going on in my life right now and where this is leading me. Thanks for all the love and support!!! |
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A second part of my father's lung collapsed. He was moved to ICU and was just moved back to a regular bed. They took out one tube to see if he could withstand breathing with just one...so far, so good. They are also saying they may send him home, arrange for a hospital bed to be brought in and have a visiting nurse. It would be nice to have him back home. He is terminal..but there has been no time frame given. The emphysema has pretty much take over both lungs.
Meanwhile my girl felt a tad overlooked because I have been spending eight hours at the hospital with my dad every day. So, today I dropped my mom off and came home and spent time with her. It truly made a difference.
Dad is going to have a procedure tomorrow so I will again be at the hospital all day.
One of my friends asked how I have the stamina to do this and honestly, I don't know. I would do anything for the people I love.
Some of you are AWESOME with your notes of encouragement and prayers. I love reading them!!
If you haven't written and I haven't written to you, I must say that I have only had the mental ability to answer messages in my box, so if you want to keep in touch, you must write to me. My mind is mush by the time I get back home from the hospital and I cannot remember half of the screen names that I used to communicate with.
Blessings. |
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Yesterday my father's lung collapsed. He went to run an errand and we got a call that he was at the ER. When we got there we were told that, in fact, past of his lung had collapsed and that he was going to have to get a tube put in so that they could pump out the collapsed part of the lung and, so they say, it will eventually start to heal itself. The problem is another part of that lung could burst or his other lung could burst as well. I spent yesterday in tears---it brought back all the memories of my sister dying in my arms in the hospital.
My girl was so sick in the morning that she couldn't even come to the hospital with me -- while my mother was in with my father I sat there feeling so alone, just wishing I had a hand to hold. But, later that evening she felt better and so I got her and brought her to see my dad. He loves her so he was quite happy to see her.
I have always been a strong person and I feel like I am losing that core part of me. Things are just happening too fast, back-to-back.
Thanks, again, to all the well-wishers. Your thoughts and prayers are treasured, I assure you. |
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Yesterday my father's lung collapsed. He went to run an errand and we got a call that he was at the ER. When we got there we were told that, in fact, past of his lung had collapsed and that he was going to have to get a tube put in so that they could pump out the collapsed part of the lung and, so they say, it will eventually start to heal itself. The problem is another part of that lung could burst or his other lung could burst as well. I spent yesterday in tears---it brought back all the memories of my sister dying in my arms in the hospital.
My girl was so sick in the morning that she couldn't even come to the hospital with me -- while my mother was in with my father I sat there feeling so alone, just wishing I had a hand to hold. But, later that evening she felt better and so I got her and brought her to see my dad. He loves her so he was quite happy to see her.
I have always been a strong person and I feel like I am losing that core part of me. Things are just happening too fast, back-to-back.
Thanks, again, to all the well-wishers. Your thoughts and prayers are treasured, I assure you. |
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My girl has taken a turn for the worse. No one is sure how much time she has left. I am devastated. We will continue to live one day at a time, but this has been a trying week. I doubt I will be in contact much.....My time will be spent with her. |
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My girl has been feeling quite ill these past couple of days. Until she improves, My time has to be spent in that direction. Ergo, I am not sure how many will get a response from me on a timely basis....may take a few weeks to get back to people. Again, thanks to all the well-wishers who have emailed..it is nice to know that there are still good people out there. |
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More tests for My girl. We just wait and see. Very frustrating. I am not communicating well with people so if I seem a bit "off" it is because of My situation, nothing personal.
It is funny how even when you communicate on here with people on a "friendly" basis....they still play the same games. Sad.
I apologize to those of you that I have not responded to in awhile...just trying to get a bearing on so many things right now. As soon as this carousel slows down, I can hop off and return to Self. |
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Oooh....one more thing. Those contacting Me for any reason, please include a photo. As I have told several of you that I am now in contact with, I hate one-dimensional conversations....I like to feel like I am talking to a person not just a body with a computer head.
Thanks so much !!
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I first want to thank all of the wonderful people who have written to Me, pretty much telling Me to keep My head up and that I can chat with them at any time. I truly appreciate it.
Well, Dad is totally outfitted for oxygen 24/7. He seems to be improving little by little, but his health is not good. When My sister died in 1999 I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with immediate family death for a much longer time.... but I fear that was just wishful thinking. I am not sure if I can handle having another person die in My arms...it is much too soon. I still flashback to being at the hospital with My sister and experiencing such a horrible feeling because death looms, it closes it's hand around you and suffocates you.
My girl's condition right now is stable, I guess. We won't know if the brain radiation worked yet -- another two weeks and she will have to do another MRI. We joked that soon she is going to be picked up on geiger counters
I have become a "worrier" -- and that is new for Me. I have always had faith that something would get Me through...and it has, but lately I fear that God is going to take a vacation and when I call, all I will get is an answering machine. At the same time, My faith is truly strong-- such a dichotomy of feelings is truly My plague. Sometimes one is optimistic , sometimes pessimistic. I just let the feelings dictate the way and I don't fight it...too busy fighting cancer, pneumonia, and all the other ailments of My immediate family.
Good news: Some of My paintings are in a gallery in Saugerties NY. One of My friends calls Me a Renaissance woman: I write, paint, sculpt, crochet -- and she laughs because I also have a very analytical business mind. Both sides of My brain work at the same time.
Ok, getting a typing cramp. :)
Again, thanks for all the kind words....some of you have really made My day. |
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My dad has gotten over his pneumonia, yet his emphysema is still a problem. My girlfriend's cancer spread to her brain so she had to go for radiation for 15 treatments and now is back on chemo. The future is unsure....she could live a year she could live ten years, no one knows. |
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I found out yesterday that My dad has pneumonia and my girlfriend's cancer might be spreading. Suffice it to say, yesterday was a pissy day. But, We are all still laughing, joking, smiling. I am going to try and still keep on top of My emails on here and in general but I may fall behind. That said, I also may not write back. Don't take it personally--I am in a situation where I have to prioritize even more than normal. |
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I got this great email from today from a nice, incredibly respectful slave in Florida. I wanted to share part of it:
"Hello and I feel your pain and wish there was something I could do to help...I would suggest you never even open them...each time you get a message from this person and discover a new profile write it down and keep the list and never open messages that are sent from those profiles on the list...he may get bored of bothering you...hope that helps...take care and feel free to contact me sometime." Wasn't that cool? It goes to show that there really are some cool people on collarme....they may not reside in the same state, but are nice to have around. :) I might have to vacation in Tampa so I get to give him a hug of thanks! |
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Ok. So, this slave I rejected keeps contacting Me. I don't know why. I never initiate contact but he keeps writing. he reads My journal entries and believes they are specifically pointed at him...they have not been, but I thought I would write one that was about him in order to make him feel better. Maybe he needs to feel more important to Me? I am unsure. The thing is: I would have forgotten his name if he didn't sign it to the bottom of his constant emails. And so here is My point: if it makes someone feel better to write to Me, for whatever reason, then have a good ol' time. Me, I would prefer to be in Newport or Watch Hill on a quiet beach with a good book. Two people close to Me have died (years ago now) and that has taught Me that life is too precious to waste. It is too important to do things with the ones you love (including the right slave) than to spend it on people you would forget if they didn't keep in touch. I would block him but he has like five different monnikers on here so I fear he would just create a new profile in order to write to Me (really, there should be a law against that.) If there are any Mistresses on here who are reading this and think this man would be Your perfect slave, please contact Me and I will give you all of his names....You can take his mind off of Me. Please. |
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One more thing: Submit a photo with your initial communication. I hate chatting with people and feel like I am talking with a computer...the one-dimensional dynamic of that is dismal to Me. I want a face to go with a name, a face to go with a personality.
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Isn't it a beautfiul day in CT? I know, that sounds like Mister Rogers...but I love days like these....not too hot, not too cool..a nice breeze. I am re-reading the poems of Carl Sandburg and enjoying his love/hate of Chicago. I am also gearing up to start teaching again come September. I fix My own curriculum and schedule so it is nice. Why am I typing this? I don't really know. Wanted to share My seasonal happiness, I suppose. I have gotten some nice emails and that is a nice change...people on here can be so nasty. Makes no sense to Me...wish others well and live your own life. Having a war of wills with slaves or exchanging harsh words is so wasteful and tiring. If I have to fight with you online, then ---surprise---you are not the slave I want. Real slaves---and I do not use the term lightly--already know all of this. And while this has been elusive in My search, I can still smile because I know that it is out there. Somewhere. |
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Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. It is amazing to Me the amount of people on here that have a problem when things don't work out. Pick up your luggage and move on--if you didn't part as friends, then leave them alone. Parted as friends? Super.
I have taken on a part-time slave but still looking for one, true subservient with more hours to spare (for those of you who have asked about My new toy) The responses to My ad are overwhelming so I am still trying to get to everyone. Unlike other Mistresses, I will apologize for the delay.
Thank you to all the admirers from other states :) |
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I am truly a nice person. There is no Marquis deSade lurking inside Me. I have no urge to be "challenged" by a slave in order to get him (or her) to perform chores. I don't want a hassle---I want someone that is ready, willing and able to serve because they feel it is something they MUST do, not something they "choose" to do. I am not materialistic, so I don't care if you drive a Porsche. |
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Are there any real people on here? SO far there have been a lot of liars, losers, fakers, and (My favorite group) "now-I'm-here,now-I'm-not."
Time is of the essence...don't waste Mine or yours. |
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I have responded to those that I think I missed while I was only reading messages. If I didn't respond to you please refresh My memory of you...it could have been an oversight on My part. And please: I am not looking for a sub. My profile clearly states "slave". Don't waste your time or mine. And, as I said before, if you are like that other slave I tried out that didn't want to do any work, then take your lazy self somewhere else. If you don't have a photo, please don't respond. It will be the first thing I ask for and if you don't have it...well, that whole "waste of time" thing will come up. I am an ex-New Yorker...I don't like games and don't feel like playing any. Well, that's not true...I love baseball...but you know what I mean ;) |
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I am on the prowl again....new slave just didn't work out. I think he didn't realize the work that goes into being a fully in-charge houseboy ... we are renovating the house and there is a lot to do...and maybe there just wasn't a vibe. he was kind of hesitant about things so I made the decision for him -- to continue My search.
If you previously applied and I denied you (for whatever reason) please do not apply again. If I talked with you but didn't deny you, then please apply.
Looking for a SERIOUS person not into games and doesn't want to move at the pace of a tortoise. I need someone willing to jump right into this and someone that wants to jump into it because they want to belong to Me. I need the right person. |
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It is strange how when One sets up r/t interviews, all the fakes just float away or make up really cheesy excuses as to why they can't or won't be interviewed. Helps sort out the time-wasters, I suppose. |
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It is My birthday on Wednesday and My girl has planned some time away this week as a surprise! I will be back online next week in order to schedule slave interviews. you can still send mail but just remember that I will not be back online until Monday. Blessings. |
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I have been in "contract negotiations" with My girl in reference to the age of the slave I choose. She has made some valid points -- since I have not had luck with slaves that are over 40--and while the age factor isn't of great importance to Me I must acknowledge that younger slaves are more malleable, easier to train. In keeping with this, then, I must alter My original profile to read :under 35 years old.
Thanks to all that have responded and welcome to all those that will respond. Blessings. |
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A lot have asked, so here goes: I have a girlfriend...she is not a part of My BDSM life but is, of course, a major part of My vanilla life. I am hoping to find the slave that can successfully weave both of My lives together. (I guess that is something a lot of people are looking for LOL)
While tons of you have responded, I just am not willing to settle...I am waiting for the slave that rocks My world, so to speak...the slave that I am sure I want to become part of My life.
I am not looking for one-day play sessions...I seek a true relationship. |
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Beware that there are A LOT of fakes out there and people that want to break your spirit and make you believe that the right person is not out there. Don't believe them! Keep searching! Soon enough the jerks float away and the real one stays. |
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Read "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran and open your mind to the possibilities of this World. |
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