I'm not the relationship type. I tried this, recently. Relationships. Feelings, caring for one another. Working together to live together; a team, in other words. I tried this normal relationship thing, complete vanilla romance, recently, and I discovered it isn't for me. I can't even fake it.  

 Let me begin by saying that I HAVE had a master. A long distance one, albeit, but I considered him a master nonetheless. We will call him J. J was a devastatingly brilliant man. Witty, clever, sexy and dashing. And just like a foolish young Labrador, unaware of my consequences and ramifications, I ran away. I ran away because I was scared and thought I would never live up to his expectations. Another, more pertinent reason I ran was he wouldn't let me in. Because he, as I'm sure so many handsome young Doms do, probably felt he needed to appear aloof, unfeeling and callous to appeal to my submissive tendencies. Which as we subs know, of course, is not the case. Either way, our situation became one sided. He never opened up. I grew frustrated that it wasn't progressing. I imagine he thought if my illusion of him was broken down into a real person, I would no longer be interested. Which was not the case at all... I still think about him every day.  

But I digress. I ran away from him and I don't think J would let me come back if I wanted to.  

This is about someone else. A nice enough boy, smart, very funny. We'll call him G. Him and I began talking, seeing each other in social circles. I thought I liked him. It wasn't until he began to return affection did I realise G was not what I wanted. He was so giving, kind, sweet. Caring.... submissive, in a way. Not in the sexual sense of course. He was quite vanilla in that aspect. Biblical, even. Ugh. Vanilla is a perfect word.  

Either way, this is what girls are supposed to want, right? Foot rubs, someone to cuddle with and watch tv, him to cook dinner once in a while? Wrong! It made me fuckin sick! For reasons unknown to even my own self, I detested it! My skin began to crawl at the very touch of his fingers. My heart began to fill with dread at the possibility of the request for a hug. I still can't find words to explain why, exactly.  

I think deep down I just hated him for not being J.  

Maybe what I wanted was aloofness after all? I began to question myself, to just "go with it" and hold his hand. But I couldn't. Why did I run from J if ultimately what I wanted was coldness? I started to bristle at G's touch, I began seldom talking, and when I did, it was in the form of an angry bark. I began to challenge him just to see if he would submit, talk back to him just to see if he would shut his fucking mouth and stop arguing with me. And he would. Every time. Yes, I realise this makes me a horrible person. I'm getting there. I am not an overly talkative girl to begin with, but I eventually said nary a word to him when we were together. Obviously he grew sick of it, as did I, and we parted ways. Me a great deal easier than him. But before he stopped talking to me completely, he told me one thing. "You're a fucking icy bitch."  

And that was that. I still feel the same as I had with G. I go to bars with friends, I hang out at social events, and as soon as a man starts talking to me, and I see that look in his eye, like we might become equals, friends, I can't help but raise my hackles, hiss, and none too politely brush them off. "Like you have any idea how to handle me," I think to myself. My friends ask why I reject every guy who even tries to talk to me. I'm a decent looking young lady. A solid 7.5, I daresay. I could have my fair share. My friends call me frigid. Call me an Ice Queen.  

So here I sit. Ice Queen, alone in my desolate castle on my lonely mountain. Too proud to bow down to just any man's level. Keeping my nose turned up and my shoulder cold. Too angry and vain to submit to any man, decent or otherwise.  

But oh, how I want it. Submission. I want to be broken. I want that feeling of complete and utter ownership by whom I choose so fit for such a task. I want to bend to everywhim, no will of my own other than a burning fierce loyalty and my Master's ultimate happiness. Now, I'll have it known I'm not the "whip me in the dungeon, leather daddy!" kind of girl. I'd prefer a serious full time TPE Master/slave commitment. (I can't say I hate whipping and spanking though. I DO like it rough)  

Maybe some day I'll catch that flicker in a man's eyes, feel that static current you feel. You know the one. That electric charge that stops you in your tracks. Until then I'll sit here on my icy throne, philosiphising on dominance, submission, what I feel is the right way to do it, what people are doing wrong, and everything else. But I think, generally, I'll discuss my opinion in the matter of the great power submission holds, not only over the submitted, but more importantly of the one to whom the submission is given. For now, I hope you've learned a little about me, as I hope you message me to share your thoughts.