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| I am a narcissist like the rest of you on this site.
Like you, I do not feel lovable nor capable of selflessly loving another. Our solution is to either humiliate and enslave ourselves to another to feel desired, or to treat another with the disdain and disrespect we feel for ourselves. We relive our deprived and loveless childhood through our acts, for the devil we know is familiar and welcoming.
My story? In my vanilla world I am a highly paid professional and divorced father of two college aged children. My children have seen me for what I am and detest me. My co-workers see the anger that erupts in me but know not the origins. To most, I am two-dimensional, like I am here. They see only the facade I wear out in public.
My life was empty but for the brief physical pleasure this addiction provided. Then I met someone who drew me out of the corner, and assured me I was lovable even having revealed my repulsive proclivities to her. She appeared as an angel, and the healing began. My ties to this world have loosened and yet I am drawn back at times of weakness.
At those times I push away the one who holds me to my better self, and I lose that grip myself. There is no comparison between this two dimensional sick fantasy world and the world she recreated in which I am good, and I am loved. Yet when this world pulls me back, I relent and don't question my judgment.
I seek help and advice from among you here, hoping that some of you have escaped your enslavement to this lifestyle and can direct me.
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