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I am sorry I have not written in awhile. But I thought I have found the one. Now, I know I have not he lies to much and plays with my emotion. So it will be awhile before I can trust another man. So MEN DO NOT BOTHER EMAIL PLEASE! I am not ready for another relationship. I have to get my head back on my shoulders again. That will be awhile. I have to focus on getting on my feet.
Well that is enough said for now.
T |
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I am getting to the point when men tell me that they will call me I do not believe them at all. So I do not count on no one calling anymore if it happens it happens. I am tired of men telling me that they will call me tomorrow and I do not hear from them for about a week later or not at all.
I am trying to change and be more honest with men. This is teaching me allot. It is teaching me to be honest with myself and the people that I chat with. It is teaching me how to respect myself and others. The list goes on and on and on.
I think that is enough for this morning. I hope these men read what I put on here. I will try to be honest with him as much as he is with me.
thank you,
huggles and kisses,
T |
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Part of the reason that I have not written in awhile is because I am lonely. I know I need to wrote more often but it gets to the point that I really do not want too. I have men that will hit on me and then they just disapear on me like nothing happen. I think once they found out that I am depressed (just sometimes when I am really lonely) and living with a TG that they do not want nothing to do with me. They do not know me in real. I am much better person in real then on line. I just wish the men that I have chatted with understood me more. I know he is out there somewhere but then again I keep scaring them off. I do not know what I do but they say they are interested in me but then they stop talking to right after that. That is why I have giving up of looking for someone. Men put a label on me and that hurts. They call me a game player or a wanna be. They do not have room to talk I feel sometimes. I am the one I feel that keep on trying but maybe I try to hard. I do not know anymore. I am going now. I have a few things I need to do before the night is over. I know I skipped work tonight but I had to and I did not have a choice on the matter.
thank you,
huggles and kisses,
T |
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I am sorry I have not wrote in awhile. I had my feelings hurt to much. I said I was taking some time away from things and trying to figure out things. I guess men can not read and called me a game player and a wanna be. I am not so I have not left anything on my profile to mislead anyone. That is why I said I was not looking for awhile. I do not know if I can now.
I will try to keep this up more then I have been. I am sorry again .
thank Y/you,
huggles and kisses,
toy |
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HI E/everyone sorry I have not been around. I have been really down and still having trouble adjust to the work and the hours. I thought I would let Y/you what I got in a email on the 3-15-06. I think it is rude and uncalled for. Yes I did report him. I have blocked him also. Here is what the email said:
get off this site,,,,,,,,u r a menance...........no pics of something that would make u look HALF way decent,,,,a juvenile attitude...........give up
If Y/you want to know who it is please email me and I will tell Y/you.
That is not why I am not looking at the moment. I have allot more issues right now that I have to work on and I am just bearly making it with my depression.
If Y/you email and I do not get back with Y/you soon please do not worry I will get back with Y/you it will just take time.
thank Y/you
huggles and kisses
toy
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Hi, I know I have not written in my journal in a long time. I have been busy with the new job. Working 3 pm to 11 pm is hard to do. I am adjusting to it. It is not easy justing to those hours and my sleep pattern is off. I do not have much time in the morngings to be on line. I am on line at late nights. No one is on hardly when I get home from work...lol.
I just thought I would drop a line or two to tell everyone I am still alive....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Sorry that I have not posted in about a week. I have to much going on now and I get to the point where I can not handle it and I just want to be left alone so I can figure this out on my own. I know it is allot for me to handle but I will make it.
Plus working 3 pm to 11 pm is hard enough. My sleep pattern is off and it is playing hell with me. Plus it is that time of the month. I am moody as hell.
Right now all I want to do is to go in a corner and cry my heart out. I will probably do that when I go to bed in about an hour. All that will do is give me a headache. Which I have one already.
I have not made another drs appointment. I am waiting of my first pay check from my new job. Then I will make the appointment and get that started again. I will probably have to see another specialist I do not know yet. I have to find out why I am hurting like I am and why do they keep telling me it is a UTI all this time and it is not. I hope someone finds out what is wrong with me. I am tired of this BS going on with me.
I am feeling a little better now since I wrote something down. Just my life is really going bad for awhile and I think things are looking up now I hope.
If I do not answer Your emails right away please do not worry it is because I did not get the chance to get on the pc and answer them. I do get the chance to read them during the week but might not be able to answer them until the weekend if I can get on the pc.
That is enough for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I thought I would post because I have not posted in about a week.
Well, I went to the specialist to get back the test that was done two weeks ago. It cam back normal. I still hurt. I have to make another appointment with my regular dr. and see what I can do for this because this is effecting me allot. Some days are worse then others.
More good news I got an job I start today. I will be working at a company that makes computer boards. Only bad thing I will be working for 3 pm to 11 pm. Which will not be that bad. I will still have my morings. I have to get used to working those hours. I just hope I can do it and make it last. This is something I have not done before and I think I can do it. Just nervous on the first day.
So if I do not answer Y/you email right away please do not worry. It is because I am working weird hours and I have to get use to it. So please be patient with me and I will get back with Y/you ASAP!
That is all I can think about today. I will keep you inform about other things when they pop up.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Was thinking again on the if submission is a gift or not. I still do not see it as a gift. Please remember these are my thoughts and feelings about this. I am not here to change anyO/one mind on this.
I see my submission is something special. I can not give it away that easy. S/some might think T/they can give it away or even take it. It does not go that way. It all boils down to this. I have to be in love with that P/person before I can even submit to H/him. That might take allot of work or it might not.
I see my love as a gift that I can give to the O/one that I will be submitting to. H/he has to earn my love before I can even let my submission out. Yes I can be with someO/one and submit to H/him. But it is not the same. It is a different type of submission. I can play with M/men without loving T/them at all. I see that as being used as a doormat sometimes. Not always. I have F/friends that I can play with but it is not the same. I do not play with T/them that much because I seek more then what T/they can offer me.
I can tell when someO/one interest me in T/their world of this lifestyle. I will work hard to prove myself to H/him. That alone is part of being a submissive also. There so much out there that allot do not understand.
If Y/you can talk to me like a subbie with feelings and understand what is going on in my life at the moment then talk to me like that. Do not think by talking to me as a girl that does not know what she wants Y/you will not get away with it. I know what I want and I will work my damnest to win that P/person over. I might get hurt in the long run but I know that I have tried.
I hope that will give Y/you an insight of what I am seeking if not email me and maybe W/we can talk about it some more.
Now, about today. I have decided that I will not chat on line in the mornings for awhile because I really need to get my ass in gear on getting a job and getting my life back in order. I will do my journal entry, my blogs, and all of my emails. I will try to be on line in the evenings so I can chat. I can not promise that I will be because I do share the pc with my roommates.
To just fill everyO/one in again. I do live with a man. We are not married. We are only roommates. He has his own bedroom and I have my own bedroom. No we do not have sex at all. He has a Master out in California. I do not have a Master. No I do not want to serve that Master. I want my own Master. My roommate is a TV/CD gurl. I am a 100% female born and raised. I do have stretch marks from having 3 boys. Right now I am in between jobs and my roommate is supporting me until I get on my feet again. Which I owe him thanks.
Anything else I have forgotten, I do not think so. Please remember these are my thoughts and feelings and I an not wrong or right on this. It just helps me think some days better about my life. It is good therapy for me to write it all down daily.
Well, I better let Y/you all go and get my ass ready for job hunting.
huggles and kisses,
toy
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What a night. I did not go to sleep until about 6 am this morning. My roommate woke me up and he did not know that I did not slept, about 8 am asking for some money for gas for the truck. I gave him some money for gas and had him go and get me a breakfast taco and a lemonaide. I got up for a bit and did a couple of emails and check a few sites. Went back to bed for a little bit. Then my roommate called and asked if I sewed on his EMS patch on his work shirt. I told him no because I did not have the right thread. He came by and got me and went to wally world. I brought some thread, super glue, and pins.
If Y/you wonder where I got the money. My friend that had the other cell phone paid me $50 last night. Half of the cell phone bill. But at least she is paying me.
When I got into the truck I was hurting on my left side this time. I was walking with a limp. I told my roommate that I was hurting and he said I always do this to him. What he meant by that I push myself to do things when I am not well. He gets so upset with me when I do that. But I wanted to get out and I know I would be stuck in the apt. He did offer me the truck and I said no because I do not feel like going anywhere today.
When we got back, I got out my sewing machine and was having trouble the bobbin. So I had to mess with that and I was in a rush to get it done. I said screw this and I use a dark thread on the bottom of the patch and used the clear on top. You could not tell I did it that way. It look good. I finished it up and gave it to my roommate.
But since I had my machine out I figure what the hell. I can sit there and the pain will not bother me at all. So I got out 2 pairs of my jeans that had big hole in the butt and I sewed around the raw edge of the hole. Then I sewed half the patch on and the needle fell out and I can not get the screw undone so I can put the needle back in. So now I have to wait until he gets back which will probably be 9 or 10 pm tonight.
I did something today yeah.....lol. I really wanted to get my jeans fixed. Oh well, that is how my life is going.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, today I did not do nothing. I felt sick today and really tired. I think it is because I did not much yedterday and I am not up to it. I know I should take it easy after surgery but Y/you can not keep a good girl down. I am trying to get back on my feet ASAP! I have bills that can not wait to be paid.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I did what I said I was going to do for awhile now. I put my app in at the burger joint. It only cost me a whole $.50 to take the bus there and back....lol. Boy, I did not know if I could afford it....lol. I hope they call. If not I am going to call around the business down town and see if they need any help in the mail room. I have to do something.....lol.
I was getting all kinds of waves while I was waiting for the bus to get home....lol. I think it was my tight shirt. I have post a pic of my shirt that I wore today. I love the saying on it. It says "TELL YOUR HOT FRIEND TO CALL ME" . It is a white shirt with pink around the arms and neck. The lettering is out line in pink and letter are in yellow and with glitter.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Just put new pics of me on my profile and updated it again. I am waiting for them to be upload.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have a change of heart. I am going out. I do not care if it is raining or not. I have to get a job and the temp agencies are not helping me at all right. I am going through 3 of them. Still nothing. So I took my bath, got dressed, and put on make up. I feel good about myself today which is good. Considering I have not been lately. Oh, I know what I need also is to get laid. I know that will not happen any time soon. Oh well that is life. That is why god made hands....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well today is another chapter in my life. It does not look like I will be going job hunting today because of the weather. I hate not having a car and have to rely on the bus system here.
I have been thinking allot lately. I know that might get me in trouble.....lol. I have been thinking on my submission and the Man that I want to with. I have so much on my mind it is not even funny.
I need someOne in my life because I think I am out of control. My roommate tells me that I am topping from the bottom. I do not think I am. I know what I want and I will go for it if I see that in my Man.
It is hard now a days to find Him. I just make it harder because I have standard which A/all should have in searching for the right O/one for T/themselves.
I know one day I will meet Him and I will not be sorry for it.
Well, I am going to look on the net for jobs in the local paper.
huggles and kisses
toy
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The pain is allot better tonight, I am not hurting that much just bearly. The pain killers worked. I do not recommand getting that surgery done to no one. It was worst then giving child birth....lol. I am still a little shakey and sleepy. Not as much as I was yesterday after I got home. Boy, did I sleep.
Can tell Y/you I am feeling better then I did early this morning. When the body is messed with it reacts and it hurts and just take to get everything settle down.
If it is not to cold here tomorrow. They are predicting cold weather here. We will see....lol. And if I am up to it I will go out tomorrow and look for a job. I hope I am up to it. I have to have some money to pay the bills.
Well, I thought I would check in with everyO/one and let T/them I am doing better and things will pick up for me soon. I know it will.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Boy, this is very painful. I am learning to deal with the pain. And I am learning to take the pain killer and wait an hour to go to the bathroom and it does not hurt that bad. I know the pain will go away and I can stop taking the pain killers. If I do not do it that the pain is unbearable and it is pain that I can not discribe at all. I can not wait until this pain will go away. Then go back to the drs. to find out what is really wrong with me. I am just tired of feeling like this. This has been going on since off and on late October. Maybe it is sexual withdraws....lol.
Well, I have not had any sex since Sept. 1, 2005. I am just scare of having sex now adays because I was sick. I have to get back on the on my feet and start finding someO/one to play and that can control me again.
Well, that is enough said for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I was thinking why do P/people write in journals or blogs? The only answer that I can come up with is that it is a type of therapy.
I write because it does help me with my depression. I can express myself. I can let the whole world know how I feel about things and my thoughts. I can not get introuble for my feelings unless it is something that should not be written about. Which I will not voice my thoughts and feelings on things like that.
I write about how I feel about that day or the past. It is hard to do sometimes because I have to becareful and get my facts right. I do not remember everything that is why I write in my blog or journal before I forget.
I hope one day someO/one comes up to me and tells me that I have the same problems and your blog or journal helped me out. I know if I read someO/one else blog or journal it helps me out. At the moment I am keeping 3 blogs and 1 journal. I am thinking on adding one more blog but I do not know yet.
I hope this will help O/other understand why some P/people write in blogs and journals.
Well, I better get back in bed the pain has stopped for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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GOOD NEWS, there is nothing wrong with my bladder or my urinary tract. One good thing and one less thing to worry about. I am still very sleepy and in pain. The dr told me to just take over the count pain killers. I have some strong stuff that I can take if the if the regular pain killer will not take care of it. I have to go back to the specailist to see what the tissue sample reads. If everything come back normal then the tissue sample will be normal also.
Now I have to figure out what is really wrong with me and why I feel like I do. I have to go back to the regular dr and see what he want to do with me. I just tired of hurting that is all.
Well, I better go now. I am really sleepy now. I have been sleeping for awhile since I got home and my roommate is watching out over me. He does not want to go to work tomorrow. I told him that I would be alright and if something goes wrong then I would call him. He does not want me to stay alone. I will be alright I have the house phone if I need to call anyone and plus if I feel like I do today then I will not get out like I wanted too.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Lets try this again. Well, I am going back the hospital today and see what is going to happen. I just want to get this all done. I am tried of hurting and I want to know what is wrong with me. So I can go on with my life and find that special someO/one. Right now I am just chatting with O/others to get to know T/them so when I am well again, I can make up my mind on W/who I want.
Can not stay on long still have to get ready for the hospital.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, one good thing happen tonight. I went by and got the other cell phone that is on my line. I told her that I could not afford it. I need the phone back. It is because of her my cell is off. She told me that she would pay the bill this Friday night late. I hope so. I am not going to count on it either. I do not know when I will be able to pay it either. With me not working and my roommate got his hours cut, it is going to hurt this month. I am going to go to a burger joint Friday. I have too. I have no other choice in the matter. I have to have some money coming in. I have to many bills right now for me not to work. Things will get better and I know I will get back on my feet. It just seems like when it rain it pours for me.
huggles and kisses
toy
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It is not a good day here, well Y/you all know that I was going for my out patient surgery today. The Dr. called me up on the phone the the room I was in. Told me that he need to cancel and do it tomorrow. The dr told me to be at the hospital at 9 am and the nurse told me that I do not need to be in that early because my surgery is not until 2 pm. She told me to be in about the same time. I just upset because I want to know what is wrong with me that is all.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, today I am going do the out patient thing at the hospital. I figure I would wear my jammies there and where them home when finished. I have a friend that is going to sit with me there. I might have my roommate also. Am I worried? A little but I know things will be alright and all they have to do is to give me meds to help clear up what I have.
Well, I have things to do before I leave.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Another day, I did not sleep well last night at all. When I did get to sleep it was almost 3 am. I slept a couple of hours and I woke up in pain. It was 5 am. I must of pulled a muscle in my upper back and lower neck. I tried going back to sleep and could not because it hurt to much. So I got up and got into my purse and got a pain pill to take the edge off. I took it and went back to bed and tried to relax until the pain pill start killing in. I woke up before my alarm woke me at 7 am this morning. I hate pulled muscles. I have been taking small cat naps off and on since 7 am.
That is all I am going to write about.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Today I am thinking why is it so hard for me to meet someO/one? I have allot of answers in my head.
One is because I am living with a man but allot do not understand my living arrangements. My roommate and I do share the apartment that we live in. I have my own bedroom and he has his own. We do not have sex. We are just close friends. I am here when he needs someone. He is here when I need someone also. He is supporting at the moment because of my health and I am jobless at the moment. Once I get on my feet things will be better.
It is very hard for me to even meet someone because I had been stood up to many times. I get to the point that I do not want to meet anyone anymore because of it. T/they said I will call you later and W/we will go out. So I get ready and nothing. I call T/them and see what is going on and T/they do not even answer T/their phone. Or T/they will tell me be ready by a certain time and I am and I wait and wait and wait. Still nothing I do call to see what is going on and T/they can not even tell me that T/they do not want to go out. After a couple of days T/they will call me up and I fall for it all over again. I get to the point that I will not call them back.
Right now in my life I need someO/one that will be there for me. I need a strong, straight, loving M/man. The list goes on and on on W/who I really need in my life at this moment. All I ask please do not lead me on. I try my best to not lead Y/you also. I do not need anymore hurt in my life at this moment.
Yes I do have issues in my life. But a true Master will accept them and take me for the person I am. I am not petite girl. I am slightly overweight, glasses, some health problems at the moment, and I do suffer from mild depression. I think I carry my weight well. I do not mind wearing my glasses. I am getting my health problem taken care of, and I am handling my depression without meds pretty good.
I hope this will give Y/you more of what is going on in my life at the moment. I know it is this will be hard to handle. Y/you will not be sorry. If I do not think it will work out then I will be up front and tell Y/you before it goes to far. I just do not want to get anyO/one hopes on me. Like I get my hopes on M/men just holding me and loving me.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, the week is over and it is Saturday. I am so bored today. I have things to do here around the apartment but I just do not want to do them. Plus I am not feeling well today. I think it is all the stress in my life.
I know one thing I am really stressed out because of the out patient surgery that I am going to do on Tuesday. I am worried that there is something wrong and it might not be. I hope that it can be cleared up with meds. I just worry to much. I know me being sick is cutting my chance on getting a Master. If I was well enough I would be playing and having all the sex I could but I do not feel like it.
Another stress in my life is not having a job with no money coming in right now. With my roommate getting his hours cut big time. I do not know how we will make it in 2 weeks. I have to get on my feet very fast and get a job. I was even thinking on getting a job at a burger joint here in CC. It would be something and some money coming in. It would not be much but it would be money. Until I can find something better.
Oh another thing, my roommate and I are fighting allot. Because of money and how are the bills are going to pay the bills. We had it worked out that he would pay the rent, his truck payment, and I would pay the small bills. Or I would help out with the truck payment and he would help out with the small bills. I know things will work out and thing will get better.
I think that is enough said for now. I am just relaxing today and taking it easy. I have some pain today. I can not wait to get back on my feet and get my life back. I miss it allot.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Boy, when it rains for me it pours like hell for me lol. I got up yesterday morning to make a call on my cell phone. It was shut off. Then called my roommate on the home phone to tell him that my cell was off and he told me what happen to him. He got supended from his jobs for 7 days. Then later that day the power got shut off.
About my cell phone, I have an extra line on my phone. So she could not stay within her 400 minutes and went over it like 157 minutes. So my roommate and I had to pawn a few things to get my spending limit down so my phone could be turned it back on. I got it back on. She is going to come by and pay me $100 for her share of the bill.
My roommate came home and told me everything that happen and now he is off work for the next 7 days. He is doing what he can to bring in money until I can get on my feet again.
Got home from doing a few jobs searches. The power was off. We bearly have enough to cover to get the power back on. I had to count pennies. But got it back on for now.
That was the day I had yesterday. It was rough but things will get better I know it will. I have to think like that.
Huggles and kisses
toy
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I did go to the drs the yesterday and I have to out patient surgery done next week. All the test they ran on my urine came back negitive which is good. They going check out my bladder and see if there is any cancer starting and take tissue samples. That is kinda scary. But my roommate is going with me and so I will not be alone.
Y/you all know I am looking for a Man in my life. Yes I have sent out allot of emails. I get 95% of them back. The other 5% I do not know what happen to those....lol. I just get hurt because Men tell me why T/they are not interested in me, because, of my weight and my personal issues. To the M/men that can read this. Hello, who does not have personal issues in their lives and my weight is nothing to me. At least I can express my personal issues in my journal entries and not hold it in. I think I am a strong and beautiful person. That want matters to me. I can wear jeans and a t-shirt and men are trying to pick me up on the streets. I do not say nothing and keep on walking.
That is all I have to say today. I am not doing good have allot on my mind and really do not want to type it all down today. Maybe some other day.
Huggles and kisses
toy
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I had a good day yesterday. Well, my roommate hanged out with me. We watched a couple of movies. Then went did something for his Mom. Took our dog to the beach and walked the beach. Then back home ate some ice cream. He got on the pc and chatted for a bit. Then he got off and played a board game with me which he won anyways....lol. That is all I have been wanting from him for a long time. That is not so hard to do. I just feel like this is just a one way street and we do not consider the other person. I will admit I can that way too. I gues it all broils do to respecting each other.
My sinuses have been acting up really bad. I have been feeling better. But I cough and cough and it just feels like it is killing me....lol. I will be fine I am taken some meds for it. My roommate is an EMT and told me that he was going to take me to the hospital if I did not stop coughing like I did. I did. If this does not go away in a couple of days I will go and see the drs.
That is enough said for the day so far.
huggles and kisses
toy
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It sounds like I am married to my roommate. I AM NOT. I just get a little jealous of him because his friends have time for him. My friends are to busy working or doing other things. We used to do little things for each other and now I feel like we do not.
I just hope he understand I have allot going throught my head also. Like what is the drs going to tell me this week about my test. Like what am I going to do for a job. Like what am I going to do for money. How am I going to pay my share of the bills? I know that might sound allot to carry around and it is. I think I will be alright.
This entry will be short...lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I was right my roommate got mad at me. We got into it again. That is all we have been doing is fighting. I am tired of all of it and thinks it is time for me to move out. I have to get a job or jobs and a place to live. That will be hard here but I know I can do it. Even if I have to do things that I should not be doing.
I hate to throw a 6 yr old friendship away. But it looks like it might be done. We have nothing else to talk about. We fight almost daily now. He does not understand that I can not talk to him like I can write my feelings and thoughts down. I just find it easier to do and I know O/others have problems too and can relate to them. This is how some P/people help each O/other out. I do not know if he see that. I do.
I was thinking about abuse and talking to O/others about it and thinking to myself why don't T/they leave. I know finally. I have been there and it is hard to leave that. Y/you get so used to that and it is hard to break it off. I have heard also that T/they rather be beating then verbal abuse. I know why too now. The beating and the soreness goes away and the verbal abuse stay with Y/you. Y/you can not get rid of it. It stays in Y/your mind for a very long time.
That is why I am so picky on the Master I will let my soul, my mind, my heart, and my body to go. I have to have respect. If that is not there then it will not work out. If I can tell a M/man what to do then I do not want to be in that relationship. That is why I say my life is out of control. I get to the point that I am pushing M/men around and that is not me at all. If only Y/you know me and how things are with me now Y/you would understand why I am the way I am.
I am not a good liar and Y/you will be able to tell when I am lieing or not. My roommate said to me that I would not be good in poker....lol. I do not keep a straight face. I try to be honest and open. Sometime that is hard for me. I think it is because of all the abuse I had in my past life.
I have heard this also. Submissives and slave are who they are because of their past. Most of them come from abusive backgrounds. That is all they know. I feel that way. Allot turn to this lifestyle because it is in a controlled sitution. I know not always. I know allot of them out there just want to abuse us and that is it. What I mean is really beat the day lights out of us. That is not what we want. We want to be love, cheerished, protected, controlled, and the list goes on and on and on.
That is all on my mind today. I have more but my mind is racing to much. I hope this all makes sense and I did not confuse anyO/one.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have been having a rough time lately. If it is not my depression then it is something else. My life sucks....lol.
Well, 2 days ago my roommate when over to his friend's house and spend the whole afternoon and early evening over there. I asked him to be home early so me and him and do something together. He was home early alright. As soon as he walked in the door he went straight to the pc, then came in and asked me if I could see his welts on his back. I said I did not see any which I did not. He was like damn and showed me the ones on his chest. Then he went back the pc and stayed on for a bit I do not know how long either. He did not even ask what I wanted to do. I was upset about that because I do not have hardly any friends here and being short on money. I can not afford to go out. When he got off the pc and I just sat down at the table to play card games by myself. Because I knew he was busy. He finally came into the room and asked what is wrong with me and I told him nothing and I will be alright. I am not a good liar. Trust me Y/you will be able to tell when I lie. I told him and we got into in again. I will have to do something for this friendship or leave it or wait until he leaves in May. I do not know if I can wait until May. We fight to much and I do not know if I can handle it with my depression acting up lately.
I guess when it all comes down to it. I feel like my roommate's friends taking advantage of him. I am sorry to say that but that is how I see it and I do not know if he is seeing it. Plus my roommate does not tell me the whole truth. How do I know? Because his stories keep on changing everytime. This is how I know he is lieing to me. That hurts the most. He thinks I lie to him, he knows when I am lieing to him. What a friendship? I just tired of all the lies and so on. I know he will read this because I post the same journal entry in my blog on yahoo. I know he will get mad at me but this is the only way I know how to release of my depression. It helps me allot. Oh well, life goes on.
Last night I was very sick. I think my sinuses were acting up big time. I did not want to do anything. I was sick on the couch until I had to get my roommate from work. I did not even get on the pc last night after he was on. I was in bed by 11 pm. I took some night quil and rub down with vicks. I think it help because I do not feel like I did last night. I wish the weather would stop changing so much. One day cool and the next day is hot....lol. I can not handle it because of my sinuses.
That is enough said for today. I will write more later on
huggles and kisses
toy
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I know another journal entry...lol. This is good for me to do. I just let all of my feelings out and I go back and read what I wrote. Some days I read my journal entries and think how stupid I am but then I know it is good to let everything out. I do better writting my feelings down then telling anyone right now. I have always been like that and that will be hard to change.
My biggest problem right now is that I feel like I have lost control of my living arrangment and my friendship with my roommate. Thinks why I am the way I am with my roommate. He has his life to live and I feel just left out, because I am not included in it. We had tried talking about it and my mind start to race and I can not think straight and I begin to cry and tell him I am sorry. I know once he moves I will have to do everything on my own here. I know I can do it but I do not want to be lonely for a Man. I hate depression. I am not on any meds for it. Which I think I might have to get back on them.
I get so confused about things lately. I think it is all the stress building up in me and I have not way to let it out but fighting with my roommate and causing problems for him.
Another problem I am jobless right at the moment. I hope the temp agency can help me out allot. I think it is the stress also not having money to pay for my bills.
Y/you know the old saying when it rains it pours. Well, it is like that with me. I know when it hits bottom and then things will pick back up. Well, I wish it would happen very soon. Like NOW!
I think that is enough for now. I am boring to many right now....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Forgot to put this in my journal earlier.
I did go to my appointment with the temp agency today. I did all the paper work I need to do and they acted like they can get me a job in the morning. I have to call back between 8:15-8:30 am to tell them I am available. Maybe that is the sign I am looking for. Keeping my fingers crossed.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I am just lonely today. I will be alright. I am just tired of not having no money to do anything. I have a couple of friends but they are always busy with their friends. I really do not want to bother them to much.
One friend is my roommate. He is a good guy and I wish the best of luck to him when he moves to California to be with his Master. Yes I said Master. My roommate is a cd/tv and I am very cool with it. I just feel left out allot of times. He trys to invite me along to hang out with his new friends. I think it would not be a good idea sometimes. Also I feel like they do not want me there either. Because them 3 play and I do not want to play. His other 2 friends are females. I am trying really hard to understand what bond they have. But when it all comes down to it. I get vary lonely and maybe a little bit of jealousy. I know I should not be that way. But when he tells me that he is going over there or go and do things with them I feel left out allot almost on daily event. We do fight over this which is not good. I know I should not fight over it. But it is getting to the point that I would like to spend time with my friend also. I would like to do things with him also. But I know that will not happen and I need to start going out and making my own friends. That is hard to do sometimes because of the shortage of money to go anywhere. Plus I do not have a car either so when he has his truck it is harder for me to get around.
My other friend is busy with her life right now. I found out that she is very sick and not working either. I told her I am here for her when ever she needed me. She told me the same thing. I miss her. I tried calling her but do not know if she is done doing test today. She will be in my prayers always.
I had to write how I feel because sometimes I find it is easier to do that then expressing myself in real to my roommate. I have trouble saying anything to anyone. It is getting to the point that I want to cry daily now. I do not cry daily just have that feeling. I know it is my depression acting up and that is why I do not sleep well either.
I know I need a good Man in my life and that will all go away. I hope it does. That is enough said for now. I need to get off the pc and go back doing my sudoku puzzle it helps a little.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I went to 3 temp agencies here. One could not help me out all because I did not have no office experience. The other 2 I have appointments. One in the morning and one on Thursday. I am going to try the other temp agencies also. I need a job like NOW! At least I am trying again. I will get something soon I hope.
I have bills that I need money for. My friend is going to pay the cell phone bill this month. Which is good because that will help me out. I helped her out by getting her a cell phone and putting it on my plan. She was living alone and no phone. She told what happen one morning and I said you are not living alone without a phone. When Y/you help out someone they will be there when Y/you need the most. Which I am glad I am friends with her.
Well, that is enough said for today.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I hate to say this I was played again. How stupid can I get? I guess I was thinking with my loneliness and not my head.
I am sorry girls that I have talked to. I did not want to get your hopes up like mine. I did not mean to hurt you also.
Well, I am free and single again. I will not jumped into another relationship fast again.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I do not believe in bad luck as today is Friday the 13th. I did have some today. I had a very bad day anyways. I quit my new job that I only had for 2 weeks now.
The lady who hired me had an attitude problem with me, and started to go off on me. Because I was upset with myself because I could not get the pattern right and she check and I was thinking I screwed it up. She thought I had an attitude towards her which I did not, I was like I was not having an attitude with because I was in tears. When I was leaving I told her I am going home and letting things cool down and she told me that I can not do that. She asked me if I quit and I said yes and I was sorry it did not worked out. I left and rode the bus home. It took me about 2 1/2 hours to get home on the bus. Now I have to figure out how I am going to come up with some money and a new job. I just could not handle her and her attitude so I did not fight back. It was not worth fighting over. I am just upset because I could not get the job down. That job was not for me, and now I regret quiting my other job now.
So that is how my day went....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I did tell my other job that I quit on Tuesday and went and told everyone that I worked with bye and I got a better job. Well, I found out yesterday about lunch time that they held a meeting with the ones that was still there. They told everyone they would give everyone a quarter raise and up the bonus on Saturdays from $100 to $125 if you worked your full 40 hours a week. So that means the people would get there regular pay or overtime pay depending if the worked their 40 works a week plus the bonus on Saturday. They are going to try this until April and might raise it again. I found out something else that I was rude telling everyone bye at my old job. That I should not of done it. I just started laughing because this is how childish they are about me and I was telling everyone bye because I got a better job. I think my friends that I made there ought to hear it from me then through the grapevine. I just think it is so funny because, someone had to quit to wake them up. They made a new rule there also. If you quit you can not go pass the office area, you either have to stay at the door or go into the owner's office, you are not allowed in the back to tell everyone bye. That rule was made because of me....lol. I am not worried about it either. I love my new job the boss is awesome and I can not ask for anything better now. Well, I could but then it would not be worth it. Just wanted to leave a quick note here.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I had my drs appointment today. They said I still have a little blood in my urine, the test that was runned last week came back negative for cancer. They are going to run the test again to rule it out for sure. If anything comes up again or does not look right, then they are going in me and look at my bladder and maybe my kidneys also. My next appoinment is in 2 weeks. I am just a little worried and I hope they can find out what is wrong with so I can go back living my life the way I should. That is all I am going to say I have a strong headache and just a little worried.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, my first day on the new job was awesome. I like it and thinks it will work out. The boss told us to quit early and we stayed around for ribs and drinks. I can not complained about it and it is an awesome work place and so relaxing. That is all I can say about it for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!
huggles and kisses
toy |
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Well, I got a new job starting Monday. It pays a quarter more an hour but they have insurance. I have not told my other job that I quit yet. We are off on Monday and I am going to the other job on Monday. I am going to tell my old job when I get my pay check on Tuesday afternoon. I am not going in on my old job Tuesday morning because I have an drs. appointment with the specialist and then this way I can go in later and tell them and get my check.
I am so excite about the new job. I can not wait until I start it....lol. Starting a new year with a new job what else can I ask for....lol. I know a M/man in my life....lol. SMILES!!!!
Happy New Year
huggles and kisses
toy
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Today was pay day since we did not work yesterday. Plus took my roommate out to dinner after he got off from work. Plus my pay check was small with no over time and not even 40 hours last week. It sucked. Let say it was a little over $200 for last week. I do not know how I am going to make it on that when my roommate leaves. I have to figure out something. I am smart girl and I will.
I had to go to the specialist ealier to find out why I have been getting urine tract infections (UTI) allot lately. Well, the specialist said that I have not been getting UTIs at all it is something else. They are running more test on my urine and I have to go back next week. If it comes back normal then I have to have my bladder looked at. I have been sick allot lately and trying my best to deal with what I have. Plus some days are worst then others. But I keep on moving on and try to not miss work. I just suffer at work and then die when I get home....lol. I will be fine.
huggles and kisses
toy |
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I just wanted the O/ones that I talk to on here knew me in real because I am allot different in real then what I am on here. I just wish I could find someO/one local but I have not. That is life and I will live on.
I am glad the holidays are almost over. I hate feeling like this. Now I need to get things moving again and start seriously thinking on who I want to settle down with. I know that would be hard on me to choose but I think I will make the right decision soon. I do not have that many to pick from.
M/men if Y/you have my yahoo id and I am not answer Y/your pms then I am not getting them. Try emailing me here and I do not respond then I am not getting them here either. The O/ones that have my yahoo id ask me for a another email so W/we can keep in touch that way. This way I know what is going on with Y/you and Y/you will know what is going on with me.
I will let Y/you Y/yall go now. I will be back later and write some more.
Happy New Year
huggles and kisses
toy
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!
huggles and kisses
toy
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What is so hard to read about my profile? I stated in it that I am seeking someO/one that is 40 and older. Thinks most M/men do not read it and T/they need to read what I have wrote it will save allot of time and I will not get lippy either. I try not to be but hell I am tired of M/men under 40 emailing me. I AM SEEKING SOMEONE OVER 40 SO DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU ARE 39 AND YOUNGER!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Well, it is Christmas Eve and I have nothing to do.....lol. I will take that back I have allot of housework to do and no one to really help me out doing it. Iti s most of my roommate's mess but getting him to clean is nearly impossible. I usually have to do it on the one day I am off which is Sundays. I have not been doing that. I had the holiday blues and it really gets to me. But I am doing better.
I am interested in 2 other Men. This will be a hard choice for me because I have to weigh out everything. Money does not matter when this all comes down to it. But the job does. He must have a study job. He must know how to handle me when I am out of control. Which should not be that often. He must be able to adapt to me as I am going to adapt to Him. The list goes on and on and on.
Well, I think that is enought said for today.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
huggles and kisses
toy
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I need to take some time for myself and get my head screwed on right. Lately it has not been and trying to deal with things the best way I can. It is hard but I make it and it makes me a better person from it.
I am off until Tuesday morning until 8 am. Then back to work but I will only work until 1 pm. I have my drs. appointment then. That is the specialist I have been waiting to see for 2 months now. I hope they can tell me something.
Well, we all got off at 3 pm today from work. Because of the holidays. So my check next week will suck because I did not get the full 40 hours in. Plus we did not get our christmas bonus like last year. I hope it is on this next paycheck. I could really use it. But that is life and it will go on.
I think that is enough said. I will have more to talk about later.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
huggles and kisses
toy
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All I changed in my profile was that I am seeking a Master now and not a Daddy Dom anymore.
Someone asked me why I change my profile about getting a Master now and not a Daddy Dom. That is my choice. Maybe that is what I need. SomeOne that will control my life when I can not.
This person asked me also why I wanted to become a slave for the right One. Why should it matter if I want to be a subbie or a slave? I want to be a subbie at first then later on a slave. It is not about giving up my freedom at all. I will have my freedom in a different way. I can release what is hidden down deep in me.
This person also asked me why I wanted to sit at my Man's feet and not in my Man's arms. Because I feel like that the place I should be at. I do not know how to explain it all it is hard from me to put into words and so on.
That is enough said about that I think. I hope no O/one will be upset with this but I think I do better explainning my thoughts, my words better, and my feelings in my journal then anywhere else.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
huggles and kisses,
toy
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I do feel allot better now. Just pouring my feelings into a blog or journal entry really helps me out allot. This is how I deal with my depression. I know that there are others out there that feel like I do and I hope they can learn something from what I write. Or maybe they can help me to see what I am missing. Trust me I do read other journal entries on this site.
Today at work they are take us out to eat to Red Lobster for Christmas dinner. We get an 2 hour lunch and then only clock out of an hour which is not bad.
Well that is enough said.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
huggles and kisses,
toy
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I have not had any trouble with M/men wanted to talk to me. I have always had allot of T/them. I had One that would not talk to me hardly and He was the One that message me at first. I do not chase M/men unless I know T/they are right for me and I work my damnest to get H/him and please H/him. Finely that One has blocked me from His email on a site. That hurts allot. Oh well, life goes on and I will live. I am usually the one that blocks and iggies or delete them from my list. There are always O/others. M/men I am not after Y/your money. I work also. I like working and having my own money so I can buy my shoes, new clothes, and so on. All I want is to love again and be me around H/him. If I can not do that then I do not want that. A/allot do not understand where I come from and I have to explain myself to most and that is hard for me.
That is enough said for the night again.
huggles and kisses,
toy |
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I am thinking on giving up or taken a break from the lifestyle. I am getting to the point maybe this is not me and I just need to stay in vanilla relationship if I can ever find one. I know am feeling sorry for myself but that is how my life has been lately. I have no support or anyone I can talk to about anything. So I write in journals expressing what I can and trying to make sense of everything I write. I hate coming home not having anyone but I will make it. I have my dog and cat. That is all I need right now. I have to strong and my life will get better in this lifestyle or vanilla.
Sorry for crying on E/everyone shoulders. I am just tired of M/men that can not read in what I seek. I am tired of liars, players, wanna bes and so on. If Y/you can not be honest with me then do not bother me at all. I do not need that crap in my life now. I have enough problems in my life that I am dealing with on my own.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I was thinking today at work. Oh no I was thinking....lol. I was thinking about submission as a gift and why I do not see it as a gift.
I have came to the conclusion that is not a gift at all but the love is a gift. If I am going to submit to someO/one it will be out of love and this the strongest gift ever.
Think as it this way. When Y/you submit or Domming someO/one is it out of love or out of submission? Most of Y/you would say it is out of love. If Y/you truly love that P/person then Y/you will submit with all of Y/your heart. Because it is done out of love.
I hope I did not confuse anyO/one because I can do that. My thoughts are not always clear like I want them to be. I have enough trouble expressing my feelings and my opinions.
Well, I think I said enough for the day. I hope everyO/one has a good day or night.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have not been on the pc for a couple of days. I had to allot of thinking to do. I have been sick again. I am suppose to see the specialist tomorrow and he is going out of town and my appointment has been cancel. I have to call on the 22nd to reschedule. I waited 2 months for this appointment and now I have to wait a couple of more days. I think this is BS and I should not have to wait anymore. I am tired of being this sick with UTI (urine tract infestion). This last boudt I got really sick from it. I went the ER on a Friday and got my meds and then got really sick by Tuesday and had to go to ER again. I got stronger meds. Then I followed up with my Dr. He was not going to refers me until I asked him to. I hate older Drs.
Well, that is enough I will keep Y/you update on my specialist and what is going on with my body.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I was thinking today at work about what I have wrote the other day about submission being a gift. Then I started to think that my vanilla side and is that a gift also?
My vanilla side is not a gift either it is who I am just like my submission. Those both make me who I am now.
I can not give Y/you my vanilla side and my submission that is not possible. It is who I am and if Y/you can not accept that then move on and let me be.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I am really bored lately. I have allot on my mind and do not know how to express it all. There is one thing I would like to talk about. It just gets to me and I do not know why either. Maybe because hardly any M/men really understand that submission in not a gift at all.
I get so upset when I ask the M/men that I chat with "do Y/you think submission is a gift?" 98% of T/them said yes. That is when I tell T/them I am sorry but I am not interested. Because to me my submission is not a gift it is who I am. I am not giving Y/you my submission. I can not give it away. I am sorry but that is what I think.
My submission is inside of me. I am a natural submissive and I can not keep it inside of me anymore. I have found only 2 Men so far that understand that submission is not a gift. That is great and I respect Them for that. I know that there Dominance is not a gift either it is who They are on the inside. I respect Them for that.
Well that is enough for now. I will write more later.
huggles and kisses
toy
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A quick note before I take a bath and then get ready for work.
Well, I think I am feeling better. There for awhile I was really getting down. Now I am doing better. I am not down or depressed. I am just here feeling. Which is not bad for me.
Well, it does not look like I will make it to Kansas this month. I just do not have the money and not getting the raise that I need is killing me. I have to start pinching my pennies or find a Sugar Daddy. No I am kidding I do not need a Sugar Daddy.
I need someO/one that know how to handle me. I know I can be a handfull but then on the other hand I can be the sweet loving woman that a M/man every wanted.
I know I said a quick note sorry about it. I have to go now and get cleaned up for work.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Just a quick note today since I have not made a journal entry in a couple of days. I am still alive and kicking. I am going to Mexico with my roommate, so he can get a his meds down there and I can get something there also.
M/men that are still interested in me, Y/you must keep talking to me either everyday or every other day unless Y/you told me that Y/you are having problems with the pc. I do not like M/men that say T/They are interested in me and do not talk to me. I have only gave out my yahell id and MSN id to a few. I have notice on this site not all emails goes through. So to the O/ones that have my ids and are still interested in me message me and talk to me or leave an off line. If Y/you do not and if I do not answer Y/you in a couple of days then I am not interested in Y/you unless my pc crashed like it did about 2 weeks ago.
That is enough said for today. I have to go and get ready for my trip today. I hope everyO/one is having a nice day and a happy one also.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Well, I think I have found someOne. W/we are still talking but it sounds good so far. W/we have been talking since Sunday and every night. Which is good because this way W/we can get to know each other.
M/men do not be afraid to still talk to me. I am still looking but I have to keep all of my doors open. Until I make it finally with this One I will answer emails and will chat with O/others.
Nothing is set in stones yet. So I am still free and unowned. Until I get a collar around my neck I am free as a jaybird.
Huggles and kisses
toy
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I am getting to the point that I hate my job. I can not get a raise like I need. I work myself into the ground for nothing. I can not deal with the job that I have now. I want something better. I guess that I have to take time off from work and look for another job. The supervisor that is over the sewing is not fair to almost everyone, but one person. They are butt buddies. I want to cry so much right now but will not. It is not worth crying over. I am looking on the net for a job also. So I do not have to miss work. I will anyways to put in my app. in. Oh well, I will stick it out to Christmas then after that I am planning on leaving there. Unless I will the lottery and then I would buy them out.
huggles and kisses,
toy |
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I really need someO/one in my life. I am getting out of hand lately. I miss all the control that was there. Not having any is like I do not know what to do most of the time.
I am getting where I do not want to be around anyO/one lately. I guess it is holiday blues. I get lonely allot but then I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I will be alright. I am used to it by now.
I miss being in love with a M/man. I do not know what it is like any more. I know one day I will have that feeling again. I hope soon because I do not like being like this.
I am going to go now. I do not know if this journal entry will make since. I have allot on my mind and everything else.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Finally back on the net. The pc dail up modem crashed or something like that. It just stopped working and finally got the dsl back up and running.
I am sorry that I did not tell anyO/one what happen but it was hard not having the net for a week. But I lived....lol.
I hope everyO/one is okay. I am and doing fine.
huggles and kisses
toy
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HAPPY THANKSGIVINGS EVERYONE!!!!!
I know what to write about tonight. As Y/you all know I have a male roommate. Well we do not see eye to eye on some things. He told me that read my entries and said that I was to negitive. He does not agree with me on allot of things. He know that I have always have my input on things. He told me that this is my journal and he can not tell me what to write.
I might be to negitive on my views and opinion but that is just me. I will not change them until that right One that comes in my life. I have to be strong, in control of my life at the moment, good willed, and the list goes on and on. I just hope that when I do meet the right One that He will understand me and let me grow with Him in the lifestyle that I have be craving for a long time. Now it is time to make it real.
I try to be positive in my search. It is hard to do because I do not get allot of respect from allot. Allot thinks respect is earned. You have to show respect to get it back. Sometime it is hard to respect someO/one that can not show that. I know I have been down that road.
Even at work also. I try not to be that way. I am always saying thank Y/you at work when T/they show me a mistake I did and when I take it back I always say thank Y/you when I give it back.
Another thing I want to talk about. M/men that want me to come and visit. I am sorry I am a poor girl working my butt in the ground. I do not even make below $7 an hour. (now watch I will get an raise and I will be making above $7 an hour....lol) I can not afford a trip to anywhere right now. I am going to see if I can save up the money see my sons in Kansas very soon. That will take a month or two or even three. With Christmas comming up I am a broke girl....lol. So M/men if Y/you want me to visit then either pay for my trip or help pay half. I can pay for half but can not pay all of it. I have to have at least 2 months notice. I have to plan everything out.
I think that is enough for today and tonight.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I do not know what to write anymore. I know let someO/one else come up with a topic for me. Any good ideas out there.
I can tell everyO/one that my job sucks like always. Or I got my nails done again. Or I am going to be in a wedding this Friday. Or how lonely I am. Or why can't I get a raise at work. Or why I can not get a date...lol. Or why I have to work so much. Or why my pay sucks. Or I really need sex like NOW.....LOL.
Boy, I have a very boring life.....lol. Oh well, I work to much to really have a life sometimes. One good thing I get a 4 day holiday this weekend. Which will be cleaning the apt this weekend. I have allot to do anyways. My roommate will be helping me out too. Because this is his apartment too.
That is enough for me today.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Had an alright day at work today. Only worked 6 hours. It took me 2 1/2 hours to get home on the bus....lol. I was almost home on the bus and I was sitting next to a young mother which she had 3 kids. One was a baby and sitting in her mother lap. The baby was eating paper. I told the mother that and she popped off "it is alright." I told the mother this "no it is not alright." She turned around and said, "it is my child." I just left it. How stupid can a mother be when she lets her baby chew on paper. That is not healthy. I am sorry. She was buddies buddies with the bus drive and he almost did not drop me off at the stop that I needed. I thanked him and he was like "whatever." I am sorry if someone told me my child is eating paper I was said thank you and took the paper away from my child. Sorry I had to rant about that.
Now, a little more about me. I do not want to have any more kids. I have 3 sons, 17, 15, and 12. They do not live with me, They are back int Kansas with their dad. So in other words I do not want to be a breeder. I do not want to be a milk maid either. So if Y/you want that go somewhere and play. Do not waste my time trying to talk me into those things. Because it will not get Y/you anywhere.
That is enough about me and ranting...lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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This entry will not be long. I am to upest right now.
If Y/you want to see my naughty pics then go somewhere, because Y/you will not get the chance too. Do not even waste my time. I do not want to see Y/your naughty pics at all.
The pics I like seeing are the O/ones that are serious looking. I like the head shots. I like the pics of M/men that I can see both eyes. It is like I am looking in T/them for something.
I am sorry for going on about this but it gets to me when T/they want to see more nude pics then my head shots.
I am going now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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What do I talk about tonight? Thinking of something....lol.
I know what to talk about. Submission is it a gift or not to me.
I do not see it as a gift at all. It is who I am. Think like this. Y/you know when Y/you give something and do not want nothing in return. That is a gift to me. My submission is not that. It all broils down to power exchange. That is all it is. For exchange of my submission I get H/his power over me. Y/you might think it is a gift in away but it is not.
I am having trouble expressing what I am thinking now and how to put it in to words.
Do Y/you know W/who is in control of the relationship? The submissive/slave. Not the Master. If Y/you think the Master is in control that then go and play somewhere else and do not waste my time. I am serious in what I seek.
I hope this entry make sense. Sometimes my entries do not make sense at all. I will admit to that. Hey, I am a blonde.....lol. No, I am not ding either....lol.
That is enough in what I think tonight. I can not stay up to late. I have to ride the bus in the morning. I was lucky early this week I got a ride Monday until this morning to work and got a ride from work until last night. I had to ride the bus tonight. Its not so bad. Just getting colder out. I might just freeze my titties off....lol. I hope not. I love my breast they are just perfect...lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I just wish that M/men that I have or will talk to truly understand this lifestyle. I have a hard time expressing what I feel for this lifestyle sometimes. There is so much in me that when I talk to someO/one I feel like T/they do not understand it all.
All I can think about at work anymore is about my submission and W/who will own me. Some of the songs I listen to is about D/s and then it really gets me thinking more.
I am finding when a M/man grab the back of my neck I just melt and want to submit but then I have to think, is H/he right for me.
I want a M/man to enslave me and then I will lower my limits then. But H/he has to enslave me first or my limits will not be lowered at all.
Well, I think that is enough. I was thinking about things at work to write about but I forgot what they there....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have so much that I want to talk to the M/man that will make me complete. It is hard to find anyO/one that will make me complete.
There is so much about this lifestyle that allot do not understand. I want to be free again. I miss being owned.
I was just thinking about subbies and slaves. I keep on hearing that subbies have rights and limits and slaves do not have rights or limits. Please if Y/you think like that then do not bother me at all. I do not think like that. They both have rights. Lets say I am a slave. I am a very picky eater when it comes down to food. I will not eat nothing I dislike. I do not care if I have not tried it either. Y/you will not get me to eat it. Would Y/you punish me for not eating it or will Y/you leave me alone and let me be a very picky eater. Either way I have that right and limit not to eat that food.
I am sorry my mind is freezing on me right now. I can not think straight.
I will have to sit down one day very soon and write something else about.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I am not going to stay on long. I got back from Mexico about 2 hours. I am really wore out. Only getting about 4 hours of sleep and traveling about 5 hours round trip. The last 2 1/2 hours I drove. My eyes are killing me tonight.
My depression is doing better today. It comes and goes. It is something I have learned to deal with most of my life. I have tried meds and I did not like how they made me feel.
I am to tired to write anymore and can not think of what to write.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Just got back from going out. I had an alright time. It could of been better....lol. I am not going to stay on long. I have to get up in the morning and go to Mexico in the morning.
I will write more later tonight when I have more time.
No, I did not find anyO/one at the club. I wished I did.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I am really down today. I overheard my roommate talking to his Master on the phone about collars and branding. I really miss being own and loved. I know it will happen again.
Some times I want to give up looking. It hurts sometime to much to even look. Then on the other hand sometime I think to myself why do put myself through allot and do not do nothing about it. I have M/men that I can play with and have sex with but T/they are only around when T/they can not find anyone else to play with. I am tired of being their last choice.
I do not know what else to say tonight. I think I am going to bed early and maybe cry myself to sleep. I have not had a good cry in a month. It is good for me to cry at least once a month it helps with the stress I am under. Since I can not get a date....lol. That is part of life and I have to accept it and go on. That is why I cry.
Time to go now and go asleep. I have to get up early to borrow my roommate truck so I can get things done here tomorrow. Besides I have to be happy for tomorrow going out with the people from work. I know I will have fun and I really need it.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Had an alright day at work today until the owner's son (he is about 7 or 8) was playing with his nerf gun and accidently shot me in the face. I was pissed. His mother made him say sorry and she said sorry also. I was working and this happen. I sit sideways at my machine and it hit my left side of my face. If I was sitting straight it would of hit my glasses. It stung for a bit and tears in my eyes. I do not even want to go in tomorrow because of what happened. First off it should of not happened and second he should not be on the floor of a work place.
I was in pain for most of the day until I got hit in the face. I took pain killers today. I hate taking pills. I am planning on going to the drs next. I have other things to do to so I probably take a day off from work so I can get them done.
Enough about me tonight. I am tired and I have to get up early in the morning so I can ride the bus to work. What fun in the mornings....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Why can't I find anyO/one close to me? No idea. I hate not having a car. I can not go anywhere. I want to go to Dallas but can not because I do not have a car and money to travel on. Plus I have to start thinking about seeing my sons in December. I hope I can go and see them. I have not seen my sons in almost 3 yrs and it is time to go and see them. I miss them allot.
I wish I got paid allot more then I do now. I work 40 plus hours a week and do not make nothing. I am not used to this small pay. I know I have been working almost a year at the same job but I am used to making more money as a seamstress. I worked in a factory for almost 8 years back in Kansas. Made some good money. Then the company went south of the border. So there went our job back home. At least I have experince as a seamstress. I am glad on the job I have now. It is a job and the pay sucks but at least it is some money coming in.
That is enough about that tonight. Hope Y/your is a good one.
huggles and kisses
toy
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It only took less then an hour to get home from work tonight. Which is good for me...lol. I do not have to wait long for the bus.
Boy, this weekend will be busy for me. I have to work Saturday morning. Go and get my nails done. Then come home dye my hair bleach blonde. Then get ready to go out with friends from work. Then Sunday go to Mexico with my roommate. Then come home Sunday afternoon and clean the apt. I am one busy person....lol.
I will be working on Mondays 8 1/2 hours then Tuesdays through Fridays 10 1/2 hours. On Saturdays either 4 hours or 6 1/2 hours or 8 1/2 hours it depends what is going on for me that weekend. I should have a good pay check on Mondays if I work overtime and work on Saturdays.
Well, that is enough about me for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Just a quick note. I have to start being nice again or I will not find the One that is for me. I am going to try but do not know how long it would last with me.....lol. I got a bad habit of telling P/people off on the net and I can not do that. Damn I do need someOne in my life. I am just waiting on somes test to get back. A couple of more weeks of waiting. Then I can start looking again. I hate this waiting for 3-4 weeks for test results.
I have to get read for work now and I get to ride the bus here. What fun in the mornings.
Have a nice day and have fun.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Y/you know I hate the most. M/men not telling me that T/they are not interested in me at all. I try to be honest with most of the M/men. T/they email me and I think T/they might be intersest in me but then when I email them back, I get nothing which that does not bother me. What really bothers me is when T/they say T/they want to talk some more and when I do leave T/they off lines or emails T/they can not tell me that T/they are not interested in me at all. T/they just ignore me. Being ignored to me hurts more then anything. I know I do the same thing but I am trying to change and being honest with the M/men on here.
Oh, Y/you want to know what is really sad....lol. I can not even get a vanilla date. I get all ready and sit around and call the P/person up and nothing. So I have giving up dating for awhile until my roommate moves. Then I maybe I can start dating again...lol. I am not going to count on it.
I guess that is why I am so hard on the M/men on this site. Because I have been hurt to much. Oh well, that is my life for now. I will be happy once I find the right One for me. That is why I am taking my time finding someO/one specail that I can love again.
I do not want NO ONE to feel sorry for me. It is just part of life that I can not find the right O/one either in this lifestyle or vanilla. H/he is out there and I will know if H/he is the O/one.
This is how I deal with my depression. By writing in journals and blogs. I need to start writing in my other blog. It helps because I can express my feelings. I do not have to care what O/others think. I feel much better now.
It is time to stop writing my dog said so. Meaning I have to take him outside. Until tomorrow.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Another day that sucked. I hate my job, but it pays the small bills that I have. I wish I was paid more so I do not have to work as hard.
A little more about me. I am not into M/men that like other M/men pleasuring T/them. Y/you know what I mean. If Y/you are into that then do not bother me. I have no time for that.
Just thinking about what I just wrote. I love when M/men say T/they are not bi but T/they like other M/men pleasuring T/them. WAKE UP Y/you are bi. I am sorry but it is the truth. It would be like me saying that I like pleasuring women but I am not bi. HELLO I am bi and damn proud of it....lol.
Boy, I am getting out of hand lately. I really miss being in love with a Dom. I do miss my Master which I do not know what happen to Him at all. He could of been in a wreck and died. He was married and thinks wifey found out about me. OOPPS! That is why I want a single Man. Later on W/we will get a girl to join U/us. Not at first.
Enough for tonight.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I did an entry yesterday but it did not save it. I wrote a long one yesterday that is probably why. I do not even remember what I wrote either.
I can not stay on long because I have to get ready for work today. I have a ride this morning so I am trying to catch up on things. I got to sleep in 30 minutes this morning. I usually is alseep until 7 am when I have a ride. Because I am usually up by 6:00 am and out the door 6:20 am when I ride the bus.
That is enough for this morning.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Just got home from work. I have to take the bus system here so it take up to almost 2 hours to get home at nights. Which sucks.
I doing better not hurting as much lately and I think I am finally getting over it the infection. I just hope it does not come back.
I log on and no mail what a shock. No O/one loves me....lol. I think M/men are finally realizing that I am very pick and I know what I want out of this lifestyle.
I do not see my submission as a gift. It is who I am. I like it. I can not submit to just anyO/one because it is more to that. I have to know that P/person before I can totally give myself to H/him. It is hard to find that right O/one that will make my life complete again.
I like the simple things in life also. Like staying home and watching TV or just playing games. I like going out clubbing when I can and when I can afford it also. I love going to the movies.
Well, I have to work about 50 plus hours next week. Back to all the overtime liked I used to. I will have a alright check. Get some bills caught up again. I hope.
Well, that is enough for today. I have to think on more to write about me and what I seek later. I have all day tomorrow to do it while doing house work also.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Another day done. I have 8 1/2 hours more and then I am off for 1 whole day....lol. Then it is cleaning on Sunday like always.
Before I go any farther. I do live with a man. He does have a Master, but I want my own Master. My roommate will be leaving me before to long to live with his Master in California. No I do not want to move there unless I found a Master that I will totally trust with my life. I have my very own bedroom. So we do not sleep togather. I can not afford to live on my own at this moment. I do not make enough to support myself unless I work overtime all the time, but there is hardly any overtime for awhile and now started back up again. I hate low paying jobs. The only way I make any money is when I work overtime and Saturdays. Then I have bill that I have to get caught again since I have been very sick. It does not seem like I am going to get ahead. I know I will but not at this moment. I do not ask for hand outs either. I will figure something out very soon.
Well, that is enough of me rambling on and on. I hope Y/you A/all are having a wonderful weekend and enjoying it more then I will be doing.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I was in hardly no pain at all yesterday. Even at night. I keep telling myself it is all in my head and I am not hurting. Does it help? Yes a little so I can think on what I am doing at work when it does act up.
I fell asleep early last night and did not finish watching CSI. I was tired and when I woke up and look at what time it was I was asleep for an hour before I went to my bed and I slept all night long.
I have to get ready for work in about 10 minutes and ride the bus today. If my roommate was off today I would ask for a ride, but roommate is not off.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Still in a little pain today. I have an headache also. I know what cause my headache. My sinuses.
I will not stay long. I have to get up in the morning and ride the bus to work. I hate not having a car. Oh well the bus is cheaper anyways.
I will let Y/you all go for now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I made it through another day. I was hardly in any pain all day until I got off from work today. I had to do some running around and when I got home I was hurting. I wish my 3 weeks are up now. And also 2 months. I have an appointment for a specailist then. I do not know if I will make it 2 months. I finished up on all the meds accept the pain killer. Which is only taking the edge off the pain.
Sorry I can not think straight because of the pain killer and my pain.
I will write more when I can think straight.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Today sucked! No I did not suck any O/one....lol. I was hurting most of the day. I got a small pay check. It rained earlier tonight. It is Halloween and did not have one trick or treater come by. I think it was because of the rain here. When I got home took a strong pain killer. Now I am all goofy, but the pain is mild now.
That is all for me today. I have some emails to write.
huggles and kisses
toy
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To let Y/you all know I am waiting on a test to come back to see if there is nothing wrong with me at the moment. So I will not be looking for a M/man until I get my results back. It will be about 3 to 4 weeks.
I just want it comes back normal and then I can get back to my life. If does not come normal back then I am going to have to find a vanilla M/man that will love me for what I am. I just hope that does not come to that.
I really do not want to live vanilla. It is not for me. But if it comes down to it I will do it for my health.
Will I be happy that way?
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have been thinking today. If Y/you really think about every day life and BDSM lifestyle they both as one.
Think about it this way. Some of U/us have job where W/we are under someO/one right? If so, then Y/you are submitting to that P/person. If Y/you do not follow orders Y/you will get introuble and will be punished for it.
Now if Y/you are the B/boss then Y/you are having someO/one submitting to Y/you. If T/they screw up then T/they will get in trouble and will be punished.
Allot do not see it that way. Think about it when Y/you go to work. Are Y/you the O/one in charge or are Y/you the P/person submitting?
Made Y/you think about this lifestyle and vanilla life didn't I?
huggles and kisses
toy
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I got back on line for a bit. I was going to check my emails on here which I have at least one. But I do not have any. Thinking M/men finely understanding my profile and entries. Oh no, now I know that it is really going to snow in Corpus Christi.....lol.
huggles and kisses
toy
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More about me today. As Y/you can read on my profile I am not a skinny girl. I have meat on my bones....lol. I love to have my nails done. I know in red. I was trained to always have my nails in any shade of red.
I can not stand for long periods of time. My right foot is messed up. I broke a bone in my foot which it acts up if I stand to much or walk to much. I broke the same bone twice. I have a support that I wear for it when I do stand or planning on walking allot. If Y/you want someone that can stand for long periods or kneel allot I am not that person.
I do have depression but I have it under control. No I am not on meds, but I know what to do for it when I feel an attack comming on. I do not have that many. Like one out of every 4 months. So that is nothing to worry about. Y/you will be able to tell when I do have one.
I am from Kansas a small town there. Do I miss it? Yes in a way. My sons are back there with their dad and that is what I miss the most. Just to let Y/you know that my sons will come before any Man in my life. I can always replace the Man in my life but I can not replace my sons. They are my flesh and blood. I will choose my sons over any Man.
That is enough about me today.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Again I do not know what to say. Wow, that is not like me. I have always something to say. I still do not feel so hot but will be up and running before to long. I hope.
I am not going to make this entry to long. I am to tired to think tonight. I have allot on my mind lately and trying to get well. It is getting me down allot.
I hope that the O/ones who read my journal entries are not disappointed about this one. I am sorry P/people just can not think tonight.
huggles and kisses
toy
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What is it so hard to read about my profile?
MEN if Y/you are not 40 or older then do not even bother me. Meaning MEN under 40 do not apply at all. Because I will not answer Y/you at all. That is not showing me any respect at all.
Also M/men if Y/you are into other M/men then not do not apply either. M/men if Y/you want a subbie couple then do not apply either. My M/an that I choose has to be straight male. I will not be with another Man if Y/you are into that. I am sorry but that is not my thing.
M/men if Y/your profile said that Y/you are looking for a switch female then go and play some where else also. Because I am not into that either.
That is enough for right now.
huggles and kisses
toy
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Sorry I can not think of anything to talk about tonight. The meds that I am on are affecting me. I hate taking pills. So now Y/you know I am not a druggie. I am drug free person unless it is the meds the Dr. prescribe for me. That is all for tonight.
Huggles and kisses
toy
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A little more about me today. I have 3 sons that do not live with me. I have pets (real pets....lol). I have all of my belongings. I do work but my pay sucks....lol.
I like a simply evening alone with my Man sitting in the candle light and watching tv. Then on the other hand I like rough sex. I love feeling the power my Man has over me.
The Man that I will choose will have to love me for being me. I am a natural subbie. But on the other hand I can be a handfull also.
Sorry I can not think right getting over an illness and I need to get my ass in bed so I can be well. I have off the next two days because I am sick. Meaning my pay check will suck on Monday. Oh well that is life.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I have been doing allot of thinking last couple of days.
What do I want out of this lifestyle?
I want a Man that knows how to handle me. A Man that knows what He wants. A Man that will provide for U/us. I want to be love, cheerish, punish, and the list goes on and on and on. I want to be happy again. I want to be able after a hard day I just want to sit by His feet, have my head resting on His leg, and watching TV with Him. Then I want to wild and kinky side also. I want to be mold into the woman that my Man wants. I will add more later to another journal entry.
Why do M/men want to know my service level?
That should not matter. Because They will train in the way They want me to be. Every P/person is different in Their wants and needs department. I will push the limit with M/men and see how far I can go. So M/men be ready for me. I am willing to expand my limit again with the Man I choose, but I must trust Y/you first before I will lower them.
That is all for today. It has been a long day today. I have 5 more day of work yeah then 1 day. Which sucks but oh well. Until tomorrow.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I do have a couple questions I would like to ask M/men? What does a collar mean to Y/you? What does branding and/or tattooing mean to Y/you?
If Y/you can ask those two questions in the way I would like to hear then maybe I would give Y/you a chance but I am picky on the answer and will tell Y/you what they mean to me.
If Y/you want to know my measurement then go somewhere else and play. If Y/you can not accept me for who I am then Y/you are not right for me.
Please remember I have been out of the lifestyle for over a year now and do not remember allot of why I was punished. I remember my punishements. If Y/you ask me why I was punished and I do not remember and do not come back with a smart ass remark because I will stop talking to Y/you.
I do not have a cam now. Yes I did have one at one time. So do not ask me for cam because Y/you will not get it. I will stop talking to Y/you.
As I told Y/you in my other journal entry I am very very very picky on the One that I am going to let own my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul. So if Y/you can keep me interest in Y/you after the first chat then Y/you might have a chance of owning me.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I am thinking to myself are there any real M/men out there. I am tired of the O/ones that think T/they can control me right off the bat. I really like the O/ones that tell me that T/they want to be my Master only after one chat. After one chat I know if T/they are not right for me. I know that is hard to believe that I can tell after one chat but I can. I can tell the Players, Wannabes, and Fakes after one chat.
So M/men be ready for me. I am true to my word and about my lifestyle. This is very important to and will not take it laying down.
Another thing these M/men said T/they have been in the lifestyle for awhile where are T/their subbies/slaves? On there profile most do not say. I am honest when I said my Master dissappeared on me. Because it is the truth. All I knew that He went to His mother for 2 weeks and never came back to me. W/we had both on line and real. I was going to live near Him when He got back but He never came back to me.
I guess I am to picky on the Man I am going to service. I have to be. Can not let just any Man walk into my life and control me like the way T/they want with out knowing me at all.
huggles and kisses
toy
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I got my first tattoo on 11-17-06. The pic is right after I got it. It is on my left shoulder. Thank you MMD for getting it for me.
UPDATE STILL NOT LOOKING9-24-06: I have been hurt to much to trust another man for a long time. So if I could across like a witch I do not mean too. I am just tired of being lied too allot and played with my emotions. 
I am not looking for anyone at the moment. If Y/you still want to keep in touch with me then email me and we will talk. I can not promise when I will email Y/you back. My life is pretty heckit right now. I have to get thing straighten out before I can date again. 
PEOPLE PLEASE READ MY PROFILE CLEARYLY! I am tired of getting emails from P/people that can not read at all.
So I am looking again. I am looking for someO/one that is 40 and older, single, and can not be bi-sexual. You must be straight. Meaning no other female or male subbies or slaves or hubby or wife. If Y/you can not read this then do not bother me. I need someO/one that is NOT a switch. I need someO/one that will be there for me. I will not rush into another relationship. It hurts to much. I will not relocate right off the bat. If Y/you want that then go and play somewhere else. I am also looking for One on one relatonship. I do not want to be in a poly relationship right now. That will be discuss with the Man that I choose. If I want to be in a poly I would say so. I just giving myself time to heal and move on. I would not mind being in one but that will be later on. 
I have a quote that I believe in. Here is the quote:
I am putting a hold on looking for a another girl, but would love to get to know more girls and get some friends here.
If you are t-girl or crossdresser or had sex change or male slave or subbie or switch do not bother me. I do not have time for Y/you.
If Y/you have time read my journal entries also and might help Y/you understand me more. If I do not confuse Y/you....lol.
