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Time really does fly. I didn't realize that 3 months had past since my last journal entry. A lot has changed. A lot has remained the same. I'm still traversing this path of a sub and trying to find my place as a man in this world. It seems to be two opposing forces stretching me in different ways. On the one hand my yearnings for a submissive life call me to give myself totally, truly, and completely to a dominant male figure and the other is calling me to live out all of my dreams and life potential and purpose. The two unfortunately seem to be mutually exclusive. Last time I logged an entry it was about a Master with whom I had been conversing. The last conversation that we had was about my needs and my status as a sub. He had informed me, in no uncertain terms, that my Master was too young and inexperienced to give the me guidance and direction that I needed as a sub trying to go deeper into this lifestyle. I did my best to buck and go against what I knew to be right in my heart. But I have to admit that experience won out and this Master knew what he was talking about. It actually hurts. I'm torn between believing fully what this Master was saying and living it out. The thought of living my life for another person and through another person scares the living shit out of me. I know it's not just a fantasy that I'm trying to live out and I know that there's a lot of joy, but I'm a really proud person. I don't know how to trust someone through a process of breaking down with hopes that they'll build me back up again. This is a very emotional and violent process, one that I'm not sure I'll ever get clarity on. The Master said something to me that kind of bothers me and I have to live with it until I come to some sort of resolve. He told me that this is what I need but I won't accept the truth of the matter so I'll never get what I really want. He didn't use those exact words but that's the sentiment of what I got.
I want to be a sub but I want to do it my way and that's not how this works. It's not how it works at all. I don't really see how I can be a man to the rest of the world and have another man leading my life. I enjoy freedom, but I long for captivity. I don't want to keep going round in circles explaining the same things again and again, but I have to be honest with myself and who I am. I don't know what the cure is or how to change myself so that I'm suitable for a real Dom. But maybe soon I'll mature enough to step into that role. I hope I do. |
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What do subs need in life in order to be fulfilled? Is there any one thing that can make a sub, or any person for that matter, truly happy? Humans are never satisfied. The grass is always greener on the other side. That's the reason for most of the evils and ills we have in the world today. Greed and dissatisfaction with what we have causes us to want more than what we need and cause us to never be filled.
The life of a sub/slave is no different. We are taught to be obedient and taught to exist and live within the silo that we're given by our superior. We receive these instructions with great joy in the beginning because it's exciting, it's fresh, it's new. But what happens when the newness wears off? What happens when you begin to revert back to your physical, emotional, spiritual needs that you operated in freely before you were bound to your Dom/Master?
I think that you have to search within yourself and ask what are the basics that you need that will leave you content. Happiness isn't always the answer or the key that we should be looking for. We've got that part wrong as a society and as slaves/subs especially. Happiness is not necessarily in our future. We have to learn to be content. Our joy is not in the things that happen externally, but we learn to focus our attention, our love, our passions on one person, one idea, one goal. When we choose our Master/Dom you choose a glorious and magnificent obsession. That obsession hurls you towards service and you soon forget about yourself as an individual. You immerse yourself in the world of the one that chose you to be in service to him/her.
This notion of contentment gets confused when you mix in other doms and other perspectives. You don't really know what you're missing until someone else tells you that you're missing it. That was the problem with Eve in the Garden. She was living in Paradise until an outsider told her that she was missing out on something. Then and only then did temptation creep in and the world as she knew it fell apart.
So many of us allow our worlds to fall apart because we cease to be satisfied with the world that we're given and that we feel comfortable in and search for more when we haven't finished being molded by our dom to his/her ideal of perfection first. Some of those processes take longer than others. Some are more comfortable than others. But you have to learn to be patient and be satisfied with the joy that your dom provides.
I've had the pleasure of speaking with another Dom these last couple of days and he's 100% on top of his shit. He's been at this for years and he has well articulated theories. He understands my mindset. He's something more familiar than the Dom that I have now. He's intense and he's intentional. I'm kind of crazy about him. But the thing is....he's not my Dom. We fuck up our lives when we go after things that are premature and before our time. I don't know what the future holds. He may or may not be my dom one day in the future. Life hasn't unfolded that way yet. But within my heart I know that my dom that I have right now is the dom that's meant for me. Good, bad, or indifferent.
It's hard to admit when you're wrong and it's difficult for a slave like me to admit when he's growing and developing. It's very weird. But I want to learn to be loyal. I want to be faithful, right, and true. Even if I did go on to another dom I would want to clear things up with my present dom first.
But as I said before...I'm in the House that I'm in for a purpose. There's a reason for it. It might not always feel good. It might just be a grand experiment. But I'm called and chosen to serve in this space at this time for a particular reason. I don't fully know why. But I appreciate it. I'm grateful for it. And to learn how to be a good sub/slave I have to go to my Master and confess my sin and ask to be in his good graces and learn to be content. |
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A slave's best friend over time becomes patience and eventually they morph into the a state of self-denial. It's a long road to become unselfish in your understanding of the world. We're programmed and hardwired to care about self and our own preservation and pleasures first, but a slave has to focus its attention on its master.
Today I was craving to hear my Masters voice. In essence he told me no. It wasn't a hard no, but it was a "not now". I found myself immensely disappointed because i genuinely miss hearing His voice. It's been a while since I've heard it. But I channeled that disappointment into latent desire and bondage's apathy. You slowly learn that you accept what your master allows and you learn to find joy in what He deems is best for you at that moment. Even if it's not best for you...it may be best for him and you learn to accept it and you learn to love it.
Slavery and objectification is a slow walk towards total denial of self and identity and taking on a new shape and identity. Every day is another step closer to fulfillment in my journey and I'm already starting to see the benefits of it. |
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Last night I got kind of crushed by a really good friend of mine. He didn't necessarily say what he said to hurt me but it hurt like hell. I'm grateful for the hurt though because it showed me that I shouldn't be putting my confidence in other people. Yeah, my friends are great and have been great, but it showed me how much more I need my Master. I'm starting to rely on him more and more and growing more dependent on him. I think this is a good move.
Is a slave supposed to lose him/herself when becoming a true slave? If your master is a busy man are you supposed to take that plunge or just exercise your own judgement and discernment. I ask because the reformation process is a strenuous one and I don't want to become a burden on my master.
This is more complicated than I thought lol. But not so complicated that I'll whig out on the journal. Just keep me in your thoughts as I strive to make my transition into a true slave. |
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Journaling is really an effective tool when you're trying to take your submission experience seriously. I've had the opportunity to meet up with a young man that I introduced into the Dom/sub lifestyle. It was a cool experience to finally meet someone that I've talked to just about every day for the last 9 months or so.
The experience of meeting him was really fun, but it revealed a lot. It showed me that everyone who is a Dom or a sub isn't quite whole. I know that usually say that Doms are the guides that help subs find themselves, but after quiet observation and a little frustration I got to see and hear the heart of this young dom.
He's really going through a lot and having me as a sub at one point added a lot of stability to him. Some of my habits and my method of serving weren't really beneficial to him, but it provided him with the stability of knowing that there was at least one thing in his life he was controlling. I told my Master about him and he suggested that he may be a sub that's still in search of himself. I've thought about that before but I don't think that's the case. I think that he's need of a teacher, a guide, to show him what it really means to be a Master and to find purpose in Himself and help others find purpose in Him.
That thought just helped me realize why the world needs a House like ours. As I'm rolling away from the quick fetish, fantasy aspect of the lifestyle and going towards a wholly integrated approach, I'm realizing that someone needs to speak towards how bdsm can lead towards personal fulfillment in the right context. This need is great especially in the Black community.
When you get off on bdsm as just a sex toy then life goes back to where it used to be after the nut. But when you're led and guided towards purpose and fulfillment, so much begins to open up for you.
I really recommend that everyone that's reading this if you're feeling "some type of way" and you came to the scene looking for some sense of direction, then hit me up. I can point you to my Master. He's really good at leading you down the path of purpose. And that's not just for subs, that's for Doms as well. I recognize that it may be a bit more difficult for you as a dom to say "hey, help me be a better dom", but it coudl be healthy. If nothing else you have a space to interact with other Doms and learn from them and have friends in the lifestyle that understand you from a different perspective.
Seek wisdom. Seek counsel. Your life will be the better fo rit. |
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Quiet discontent is one of the only forces in the world that will push me to action. I'm feeling that right now. Things have to change. |
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I really miss my master. Missing him hard right now for some reason. Weird. |
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You hoes out here not tryna level up! Not be upgraded! The best way for us submissives and slaves to go up is to get down.
1. You've got to literary get down on your knees and submit to a real man or a real woman that's serious about being a Dom. They may not have all of the answers, but trust that they have all of the answers for you. When you humble and submit yourself to a King or Queen that has a vision you're in a good place. Not every dom has the ability to lead. If you have a Master/Mistress that has a purpose for your life, even if its just in service to them you need to value and treasure that.
2. "Get down!" That's something that you'd hear out on the battlefield when enemy fire is coming at you hard. Bullets are whizzing past your ear. Bodies are dropping left and right. And chaos creates a perimeter all around you. Sometimes....many times...you have to have the clarity of mind to listen to that faint commanding voice or the one that's prodding you from experience to get down and take cover! It's the same way in this lifestyle. Once you step foot in it for real you're now dealing with real personalities and not just fonts and fake faces. People can be messy, evil, mean, and down right sick hearted. I don't mean in the sadistic kind of way, but in the way that'll fuck up your psyche and your soul.
When you have a real Master/Dom, they're going to look out for your best interest because your best interest is their best interest. After all, you belong to them. Who doesn't want to protect their valuable assets and acquisitions? Sometimes Doms who are active in a certain community know things that we as submissives don't. They can see things that we can't see. We would do well to learn that sometimes, most times...we need to learn to shut the fuck up and just listen to what our Superior is telling us. It could save our life.
3. Get down (v.) [slang] - to associate yourself with an idea, movement, or person; often indicating a great sense of loyalty, affiliation, and affinity towards said idea, movement, or personality.
We've got to get down with the get down. Some of our Masters are trying to build something beautiful and it's bigger than ourselves. We have to realize that we are tools and materials that they will use to accomplish this feat. Yes, we are humans, or sub-humans depending on how you were taught the lifestyle. Nevertheless, in order to achieve this dream and purpose in our lives we have to be down with our Masters vision for ourselves and for our future. When we align ourselves with future aspirations that click with our spirit within we have to pursue them with everything we have. The end result may have you in the final picture, it may not. But we get our joy from making our One happy. That should be our goal and our aim at pleasure.
So at the end of the day, fellow subs and slaves, remember that the only to get up...is to go down. |
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I love the wisdom I gain from my Master. Here's something that he said many months ago before he ever met me:
"Being a good Dominant means not only being able to find a submissive in a crowd of polished and mannered submissives but being able to see potential in the slave that no Master wants. The ones that feel broken and misused. To build them and train them and to show them that they can be of value."
This struck a serious chord with me. As a male in this lifestyle the assumption is that I either want to be dominated by a female or that I want to be dominated by a gay male (lol I actually typed 'gale' at first as a hybrid of the two words), of which neither are true. That has left me for the most part without a master to train and guide me. I've been lost in the wilderness of another part of this lifestyle for a while and I resolved that I didn't need the lifestyle in general and that aspect in particular anymore. But when you leave something and don't replace it with something better you tend to slide back to your hold habits.
In a random last ditch effort for this site I reached out to my master and a few other male dominants on here. I believe out all of the ones that I contacted or that contacted me only two responded favorably towards me. One was a white gay male, who I was considering dealing with on some level, and there was my master.
The way that he took me in without hesitation was really surprising to me and I assumed that he was going to just put me on the back burner or just ask an endless litany of questions that would get me nowhere. I assumed that I wouldn't see or meet him for a year because of his uneasiness with me being a male sub. But all of that was the contrary.
Early on in our convos he told me that I have value and I can be of use to him. Last night he reaffirmed that and let me know that I'm valuable in His eyes and when I'm in service to him. He helped me and is helping me feel like I belong in an environment where I'm often the outcast. So I am very much grateful to my Master for his insight, for his clarity of mind, his forward thinking, and his willingness to change the hopeless things into something beautiful for himself and for his House.
Thank you Master. |
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I'm going to need some time to process what just happened to me. But suffice it to say that it was a mind fucking. i was brought down low and met my lowest self. i was introduced to the honor of the House and my focus being on my Master and his Honor.
I'm still processing what happened. I don't know if that was fantasy or if it was my introduction into my present and future reality. Where do I go from here? |
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The ultra excited feeling is starting to wane and that's good. Generally people are really gung-ho about something new and exciting in their lives, but once the initial excitement of something new begins to fade their commitment and enthusiasm for change begins to follow.
I'm not glad about my waning excitement because there was anything wrong with it or because I don't care about my master or my household anymore. To the contrary, I'm elated that even after the burst of joy and expectation is gone I'm still in it to win it. I've made a decision that this is the route that I want to take. I've had so many occassions to serve other people. Even now I still have to entertain other people because of forms of previous commitments, but I've resolved that this Master is the one that I want to align myself with.
Again, this is a day-by-day process and there's no quick fixes to lifestyle changes. There's a little here and a little there and eventually you look back and realize how far you've come. This morning I woke up asking myself how can I make myself a better person today. As I'm writing this I wanted to say that I asked myself that question in view of my faith and in view of my Master but I don't think I did either. So through this autoreflection I've gained insight that that's what I need to start doing. I'm going to start doing a personal inventory of my life and seeing what I can do to make myself better as a person and for my Master.
Last night I did a good job and asked permission to jack off again. Only this time it seemed empty. I didn't want to look at any videos and I was trying not to think about my Master out of respect, but he's honestly the only person that kind of excites me. It's hard to try to explain through writing what I feel towards him because I can't give you all of the context, but let me at least try.
So I have a philosophy now on attraction and sexuality. For all practical purposes within American society I would have to be labeled bisexual. However, I'm very much attracted to women. I love everything about them. Their smile, their body, their hair, the small things they do to make themselves more beautiful...all of that excites me. But I'm attracted to certain men too. Some sexually, but most I'm draw and attracted to their personality. With my master I think he's a very handsome young man. But I know and acknowledge that he's straight and I wouldn't ever even thinking about crossing that boundary. I'm mostly attracted to his mind and his dominance, so the primary attraction is between a sub and his Dom, not between two men. So when I masturbate it's to the thought of power and submission and holding him as the highest degree of affection, not in a sense of seeing something sexual happen in my mind. I feel like a lot of people have a hard time distinguishing between the sexual aspect of bdsm and the practical fulfillment of desires to be dominant or submissive in general. But that's neither here nor there.
So I say that to say that masturbating for the sake of masturbating felt wrong and empty. I wanted to think about my Master, but I didn't want to lead myself down a bad path. Things like that show me why I need a Master to guide and show me the way.
While I was in this state of horny hyper-consciousness I was asking myself how this would play out in my romantic life. Will I find a wife that's ok with her husband being owned by another Man? What does that even look like? Will I become a cuckold? Do I have a latent desire to become a cuckold? Could I handle knowing my wife belonged to another man primarily, before even belonging to me? I have no fucking idea lol. But that's for the future. Right now I'm focused on busting nuts, making paper, and being a fucking superstar like I was born to be. |
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I woke up this morning feeling good and feeling great. It rained ever so slightly. My bed is feeling extra comfortable. And my dick is hard. Yes I know I talk about my dick and being horny entirely too much, but its part of the structure of being a male. I get hard and aroused at the slightest thing...even by just breathing I'm susceptible to getting aroused.
As most men do I woke up with a boner, a hard on if you will. Normally I just rub one out, enjoy the flow of feel good and go about my day. But this time I had to reconsider. I had a choice to make. Do I go through with my routine and what feels natural, or do I exercise discipline and choose to submit.
You see after about a year and a half of this I realize that even for subs/slaves submission is a choice. It may come natural to us in some degree because of our inclinations, but humans have a choice whether to take one road or the next. This morning I was presented with a similar choice. Do I secretly do what I've always done or do I take the next steps towards submission and full ownership. Am I going to really walk this walk or am I going to just talk to the talk?
So many of us on here like the idea of submitting and we just get horny off of it and go about our business. But how many are willing to actually take the next steps...willingly take the next steps and submit yourself mind, body, and soul to your Master. When you intentionally start walking down that path privately you'll begin to reap the benefits publicly. I imagine the words you say with be seasoned with a little more tenderness because in the absence of your Sir's watchful eye you felt Him watching you from within.
Your master shouldn't have to police your every waking moment. Eventually he'll have you leashed and collared in the neck of your mind, his foot pressed against the base of your head ever so lovingly and with care, and his thumb on hearts desires. He'll own you. Fully and truly. But that ownership starts where your will ends and His will begins.
That happens in private. In the bathroom. On the job. when you're out with friends. When you're in your bed. When you're all alone. When he sends you that text asking that incriminating question.
What choice will you make in your journey towards full submission and lifelong ownership? I made a choice today. I chose to suffer and to be obedient. I chose to make this thing real. I don't have it all together yet and I know things won't always be this easy (though this is hard). But its a step in the right direction and I'm learning endurance. I'm learning patience. I'm learning to be a slave. |
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My fixation on my Master is growing by the minute. Just seeing him makes me smile. I want to talk to him and share my thoughts, my passions, my dreams and I want to watch him guide me to the next place in my life. I was just given permission to deepen that passion for my master by being allowed to release. I think of it as a slave's night cap and now i'm super relaxed. i'm starting to get more comfortable with sharing my feelings with everyone through this journal, which I normally try to avoid. so i'll try spare you all the details. but i can tell that i'm being molded.
i will tell you that i had to release with the shoes i just bought before me. now i'm developing a mental connection between the shoes, my Master, and pleasure itself. I'm going to wear those shoes often, and as a male i'm going to have the need to release often. and my master is slowly but surely beginning to associate himself with different parts of my life. at least thats how i feel. it may not be the case. i'll try to stop thinking so much. it's hard not to. |
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Words are the container to convey our inner most feelings to other people outside of ourselves. There are about 1,025,110 words in the English language and as I reflect on today's events I'm having a hard time choosing the right ones to share with you how I felt and how I feel. I'll do my best though.
Today I woke up in quiet anticipation. Today was the day that I would get to meet the man that I came into contact with just a few short days/weeks ago. I would meet the man that is to be my Owner, my King, and my Sir. My Master.
I knew that I would meet up with him a few days ago and I've been excited about it ever since. Each day that drew closer to my target date I got a little more excited and found myself asking more and more questions. What's he like? What should I do. What should I wear? How am I going to fit all of this in a day. How am I going to make sure I don't fuck this up. Question after question, but I found myself in a state of quiet resolve. I realized very quickly that the man that had just entered my life wasn't an ordinary man. This man was different. Just yesterday he told me to chill out and take my development one at a time. I couldn't help but laugh because I knew that I was trying to please him by fitting the mold that I had to mold myself towards for so many other doms. But this time I had the grace and the freedom to be free. To be myself. Something that I had never done with a dom before without repercussion, and something that was a necessity to enjoy the pleasure and company of the Master that lay at the doorstep of my future.
My day was a little behind schedule, but I had to make up for it somehow. I ran to get some new shoes because I wanted to present my best to Sir. To be totally transparent I really needed some new shoes, but I didn't think anything or anybody was important enough to warrant such a purchase. This man though....this man was worth it. I wanted to show him that I was serious and that I wanted to put my best foot forward. No pun intended.
I flew across the highway, annoyed at the traffic, frustrated that I wouldn't arrive exactly at noon like I was supposed to. I was already making a bad first impression in my mind. I don't want him to think I'm a flake or a phonie. i don't want him to think that I'm not perfect. To be honest I wasn't truly worried about that, but in my desire for perfection I subtly felt that. Nevertheless, I wanted to be there on time...early even to show how eager I was to meet him.
I finally made it to my destination and sent a text letting him know I had arrived. I ironically was listening to Beyonce's "Formation" as I saw this tall, ebony man donned in military fatigue walking towards my vehicle. I immediately began to smile on the inside and I smiled even more because I heard for the first time the vibration in the air that I had longed for for a few days now. I heard his voice reverberate through the air as he called my name and marched towards my truck.
He opened the door to my truck and started to get in. I was a bit embarrased because my truck was a mess. I anticipated that this might happen so I planned on washing and vaccuming my car so that it would be in tip top shape, but that didn't happen. I tried to rush out of the driver seat to open the door for him but he was already standing in the doorway of the passenger side. I scrambled to try to clear out the front seat and I wasted no time in apologizing for the condition that my car confronted my Owner with.
But to my surprise and my amazement a strangely calm, and cool voice said, "No it's cool. It's ok.......Yeah I'm sure." It took me a second to collect myself and I again realized what I had realized some days prior and the day before this --- this man is different.
I felt a coolness that I've never felt before. An ominous lack of pretension that gave me slight pause as I'm used to most doms trying to assert their dominance over their slaves from the first meet ( I speak as if I I've met many doms, but I haven't). He was normal. He was cool, calm, collected, and normal. And he made me feel at ease. Don't confuse his calmness for weakness. No. This man is handsome. Handsome, charming, and relatable. It felt like I've known him for years and I'm just getting to know him.
Although it feels like I've known him before I still feel distant from him. Not distant in a cold kind of way, but distant in the fact there's a great gulf of time between us that I have to fill by experience. I'm confident and expectant for what lies ahead. I'm looking forward to getting to know him. I'm looking forward to him getting to know me. I feel that he adds value to my life and I know that I can add value to his.
What I hate most about the day is the fact that I'm not around him now. I honestly miss him. When I left him and we said our goodbye I said to myself, this is it. I have to explore this more and go deeper, but I knew that this was it. But as I drove away I started to miss him. I began to miss him more and more and I knew that I had to be around him again. I felt that I was going to grow dependent. That I was going to need him for every part of my life. He's going to become my life. I am becoming his property. This, I believe, is what's supposed to happen when you meet a Master that your heart and soul connects with. Maybe one day the longing that's in my heart is going to pass. Maybe one day I'll get lucky enough to hug him. Maybe one day I'll get to spend a whole day with him just hanging out, or serving, or a mixture of both. I don't know what lies ahead, but I'm excited.
What I'm excited about too though is the fact one day I'm going to sit him down ask him permission to get married. One day I'm going to have to explain to my wife that this man is my Master and he's always going to be in my life. And she's very lovingly going to say "ok". Who knows....maybe she'll get down and kiss his feet with me.
So many thoughts, so many possibilities, so many alternate realities. But I'm looking forward to Sir guiding me through every step of the way. |
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I woke up this morning to a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new purpose and a new resolve in life. I now have a Master and I believe I'm in the process of becoming collared. I'm not sure exactly because I'm not the one leading.
This is relatively new for me as I've never really had an active male dom in my life to assume control since I was maybe 18. But that's changed now. I woke up with my Sir on my mind this morning and he was the first person I wanted to hear from. I made sure that he was the first person I texted. Shortly after exchanging pleasantries he began giving me tasks. In excitement and amazement I begin to program my mind to adjust to what assignments I've been given.
The first task was simple. Choose 3 outfits and Sir would choose what I was wearing today. Relatively simple task, no? Albeit simple, its impactful. I was beginning to lose my privileges as an individual. Beginning to be taught and molded that my opinions no longer matter, and if they do they only go into consideration for what my Master wants. I'm becoming his property. Ergo what he dictates becomes my reality.
I chose 3 outfits. He didn't like any of the choices. He made me choose a particular kind of shirt that's in the minority of the shirts that I own. I began to wonder and go into my sub space and try to figure out what this means. Does he not like those particular kind of shirts? Does he just not want me to wear those kinds of shirts today? Is he just fucking with my mind? What's going on? I'm not exactly sure, but I have to not get ahead of myself and just enjoy journeying into the unknown. This after all is part and parcel the way of the submissive - to blindly follow the leading of a Dominant/Master who knows exactly where you're going even if you don't. That's trust. That's honor. That's respect. That's the dynamic between a Master and his boy.
The second task I was given was to kneel in a corner and squat and jack off to some videos that Master would send me. The kind of porn he sent me is nothing like what I''m used to and I was slightly put off by it. But what I enjoyed was the fact that I was doing this as a tribute and a sacrifice to my master. While I was squatting, naked in a corner I felt my manhood was being taken away from me. I was no longer allowed to do what comes natural for men to do. This key aspect, this valve that lets the steam off was now under the control of another. Not only is it under the control of another, but I've been relegated to kneeling/squatting in a corner, in shame as if I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. This became a slight and subtle mind fuck. It's my Master teaching my place and showing me who is in charge.
I write this bare and naked, unafraid but a bit apprehensive. I am built up on the inside full of excitement and cum waiting to be released not for my pleasure, but for the honor of my Sir.
This is the first step of my journey into becoming my Sir's boy, his tool, his property. His manservant. |
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| Age: 34 |
| Beirut,
Lebanon |
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