Do you ever just want to toss your hands in the air and be like i tried it didnt work i give up? i think i might be there.    i have been told a million times, that looking for love in this lifestyle isnt a smart idea. Not saying that there are not couples out there who do not love each other more then life. But that most people you meet in this lifestyle do not place the importance on love that i do. And i get that. i get that i differ from a lot of people because of that. i live my whole life from my heart. i run on emotions. i love You i give You my all. i have no feelings for You getting me to follow an order is like beating a dead horse.    i dont know how else to say it. It says it all over my profile, my journal, if You talk to me.    Maybe its just a really bad day or week because of the stupid holiday, i dunno, but i wanna toss my hands up and cry.

So i have never been one who is into tattoo’s butiI think i want one, well actually two. But they go together.   First one on my left wrist for many reasons, starting with the left being the side of the heart. i want “Ms”. First for vanilla reasons my initials are Ms, and being me is who I draw my strength from. The M is the professional side of me, the side that is strong and takes charge. The s is the real me, the submissive, the caring one, the loving one. Which just makes it a bonus to have that hidden meaning. Because if anyone who knows what Ms really means see’s it they will see the person most people over look.   The second, i want on my right wrist “the tie that binds”. Again double meaning. It is something my mother has said to me my whole life, family is the tie that binds. So when anyone who knows my family see’s it that is what they would think it means. But again if You are lifestyle and put it with the MS on the left wrist You see “Ms the tie that binds”.   These aren’t tattoos i want to get for anyone else. To me tattoos are private. i have one other one i got at 14 (yes i know i was a mild wild child) that i kept hidden until 18, because it is on my hip and even a bathing suit keeps it covered. So why place these on my wrist, because i want to be able every day see it and remember who and what i am and its ok. i know on the wrist may not be the most professional looking spot to pick but, i figure between a well-placed bracelet and watch or some minor makeup it can be covered.   i don’t know something i have been thinking about.

Never make someone a priority when you're only an option   So i found this on a profile the other day and again it is one of those quotes that really hit home. So with permission i borrowed it and again am writing what i took from it.   i have spent my whole life doing that. Making people around me a priority when i am only an option. i want to be more then just an option. i want to be His priority. i can go both ways on this on how unsubmissive it is and how true it is. So i will leave it as that, and say thank You for reading and feel free to ask the rest.

You have to be the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for.   i noticed this on a profile and after asking permission; was granted permission to use it in this journal entry.   i keep looking at that statement and it kinds goes with that i have been feeling late. i have not made myself the best that i can be. In my head i was a blank canvas going to my Master for Him to paint me the way He wished. So what if i was a few pounds overweight, or out of shape. He would take me and make me what He wished. i have realized lately that is a selfish way of looking. i should be pushing myself to become the best i can be. i should be keeping myself fit, learning new ways to be pleasing, and just generally making myself become a prize for Him.   So i have started doing just that. i have started a new healthy eating plan, started working out, started taking yoga. i have started pricing out the classes i wish to take, such as: a few different cooking classes, a yoga class, a strip class(pole and lap dance). i have again started putting thought into the way my hair is done daily, getting my pedicures, and keeping everything involved with me neat and tidy. It wont be an overnight thing but then again it didn’t get bad overnight either. So wish me luck, and any advice is welcomed.  

Do you ever have one of those i feel like i am doing nothing right kinda days? That's me today. And its my own fault, i have gotten into my own head. i cant be perfect to all, there are only two people i need to be perfect for, myself and one day that One who steals my heart and captures me as His own. i need to learn to forget everything else. Hard lesson, but benefical in the long run. See sometimes good things do come out of randomness on CM. i have to remember even though i am submissive i am still a strong woman, and its ok. i can take care of me, stick up for me, and still be polite and even submissive in nature, just not a doormat people get to make feel bad. WOOOHOO go me and randomly learning more about me.