2/22/2011 10:56:42 AM: Lol!  Everytime I read my previous entry, I think, 'Wow, anyone who takes the time to read this must think I'm brain-challenged!'  Good heavens, but I do sound like a ninny.  If you choose to keep looking for something new from me, I hope you enjoy a good laugh.  And no, I'm not blonde in any sense of the word (no offense to blondies, just in relation to the stereotype!)   I have to say in one month not a lot has changed, except I'm falling so hard for something I can't really have, and I'm still pursuing it!  One day, I will stand (kneel) before him and say 'I want you to....blah blah blah blah blah!'  Lol.  See?  I can't even write it down to where those I will probably NEVER meet or see can hear me say it.  But at least now I can say it in the mirror to myself.  Not that it gets me anywhere.   Life is good, days are cold but sweet, beautiful snow (gone for now) has made the country look even more breathtaking.  That doesn't mean I can't wait for the spring to arrive so I can get back in the groove with Nude Sunday!!!   And if the Kidnapper should ever arrive on that day....hmmm...might want to keep a bag packed.   I give myself another six months to get over this hump (vocalizing) and if I can't do it by then or find the one to draw it out of me, than I guess I'll just follow whatever lead he gives me.  Sounds fair.  Don't want to spend my entire existence working on just me.  It's not all about me anymore, is it?  

1/26/2011 2:23:08 AM: Okay, so another few months and I'm still not sure what the hell is going on with me, lol.  I am a little more sure of what I want, but now I have to figure out what I really need.  I guess being single for a while will help.  DG has only helped me understand how much I need to exert myself, and let another know what I need, but it seems so hard to vocalize it once I have the chance.  I can say it out loud to myself, and it sounds right.  If someone were to actually ask and expect a response, my tongue turns to cement and my brain to oatmeal.  Does that mean it's only in fantasy I have to have it?  I don't think I've ever fantasized something that was meant to stay there.  I know there is the idea that some fantasies are to stay just that, but for me at least, mine are desperately wanting to become experiences.  Hey, I can say I would try anything once, but that's not true.  If I don't put it in my head, I won't put it in front of me.  But what does enter into my tiny little brain gets so big, it becomes an obsession.  Gives me headaches thinking of it, and I'm afraid for the man who is willing to give me the opportunity.  Ouch.  Be brave, I tell myself, and let him know what you need, what really overwhelms your senses and sensibilities, and maybe he'll take you there.  Yeah, except maybe he lives in New York, or Canada, or God forbid, as close as the next town!  Scary thoughts here. 

10/10/2010 5:21:46 PM: I just saw this on someone's profile, thank you.  All I can say is...exactly.

10/10/2010 5:12:48 PM: I've also come to realize I have more limitations that I wanted.  I can let myself go only so far.  I've tried to push myself, and have even allowed another to push me further, but then I just stop.  No warnings.  Maybe society's standards make me stop.  I do get it in my head that 'this' isn't acceptable, and even though I've learned I'm not acceptable to 'them', I tend to view 'them' as 'them'.  The others.  But still, I can't seem to get past doing what isn't 'normal', even though I want it even more because of that.  What I think I really need is the ability to block out everything and everyone and just do it.  I think the right one can make me do that, but if I found him, he's not answering me.

9/28/2010 2:19:52 AM: In just a short time, I have come to understand so much more about myself, and what is expected of me.  I've also discovered what I've always expected of myself, and thought I could never achieve those expectations.  I now believe I can, and with the right guidance, from one who is patient and willing to spend more time with actual guidance than his own pleasure.  I didn't know you actually existed.  Thank you.