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Pan Female Switch, 39,  LosAngeles, California
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misscaddycompson

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Friends:
Abr0kenChinaD0ll

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- My name is Caddy, so please do not call me anything else.
- Sadomasochist, into a lot of edge play and heavy impact, Humiliatrix, and happy Pony Girl.
- Mostly just interested in friends, completely uninterested in online Ds, absolutely disinterested in moving, but open to whatever does happen to pique my interest, nonetheless.
- Not insulted by butthurt men who try to dish petty insults moments after not receiving their desired response from me.
- Unlikely that most men will get their desired response from me.

p.s. To answer questions I frequently receive, the pool is at Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA, and yes, I have had the privilege of swimming in it and that is me in it - I have fortunate connections. Furthermore, yes, that is my tattoo of me as a Pony Girl. It was designed by Michael Manning. And what a privilege it is to have MM art on my body, too.

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 misscaddycompson

 Female Switch

 LosAngeles 

 California

 39

 Pan

 Not Listed

 05/17/09

 

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Transgender

Dominant Female

Submissive Female

Switch Women

Switch Men

Femdom Couples

Friends Only

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Journal Entries:
1/13/2022 9:48:44 PM

The best thing about being a sadomasochist is playing with my group of fellow sadomasochistic friends.  We've had many adventures with canes and needles and scalpels and fire in so many forms and hanging by hooks and lots and lots more over the years.  It's been such a delight.  Sadly, it's not all fun and games.  Online, too often, too many guys approach me to announce themselves as a sadist who is looking forward to causing me great pain.  Is that so?  GTFOH.  

  1. Who are you, random person?  I didn't express interest in you.  You don't get to decide what you're going to do to me before I even find you interesting, in any way, at all.
  2. I have an extensive group of fucked up friends with whom I've already fostered deep trust.  I know that the things I enjoy most require a level of trust.
  3. I'm a sadomasochist.  I am not a masochist.  I am not only interested in experiencing pain.  I am also interested in causing pain.  I enjoy both.  But I would enjoy a great deal of your pain before I'd ever remotely allow you to cause me pain. I'm a sadomasochist who plays with other sadomasochists.

 

It's not a great look for someone to tell complete strangers what they plan to do to them before said stranger reciprocates interest.  It's an even worse look to me when a sadist ignores my own sadistic side, as though I'm strictly a masochist and that I’m just dying to suffer for someone else who isn't invested in suffering for me, too.  Women don't just proclaim their intentions to be my sadist the way men do, however, even though women are often the most titillating and fascinating sadists and sadomasochists.  The majority of the most exciting and intense pain-based scenes I've ever enjoyed have almost all been with other women and NB creatives.  Do I think there could be men who are creative sadomasochists, too?  Certainly.  I have male sadomasochistic friends as play partners.  But those are obviously not the so-called sadistic guys contacting me online.


1/10/2022 5:02:03 PM

It's odd to me that some men don't understand why there are women on here (and in general) who don't want to do what they want.  Men who contact women dick or fetish first, either visually or through words, and are peeved that the women aren't ready to immediately engage with them the way they expected.  "Hey, lady, if you don't want to do what interests me, why are you even here?!  Since I find you attractive, you have to find me attractive, too!"  How terribly disappointing for them to discover that women have their own interests and come here (and anywhere else) to pursue what they want.  Like, a xxx69MasterChode69xxx or a MrSirDomPencilDick4Lyf are really under the impression that women have been online just waiting for when they would contact them.  There's no other reason a woman would be online.  

I know I certainly don't have my own interests and kinks.  Of course not.  I've just been waiting for another pic of an utterly forgettable male member in an endless onslaught of utterly forgettable male members or a lame headless torso, or worse yet, a vanilla guy who thinks a sloppy bj qualifies as "kinky" on a kink site.  I'm interested in pursuing my own kinks with the people who interest me.  I don't care what a guy wants.  I didn't ask about his fetishes.  I don't request pictures, so I'm not trying to see someone's face, body, or dick.  And unless my curiosity has been piqued enough that I'd be open to pursuing anything with a guy, none of those things are relevant to me.  I am here for my reasons, my kinks, my sexual pursuits.  They don't have to be the same as yours.  I am not going to pander to what a guy wants just because he wants it.  


12/11/2021 12:22:54 AM

It's fun how often men approach me online proclaiming that they're somehow "floored" by my intelligence, and that it's just sooo difficult to find intelligent women online, and of course, they recognize intelligence because of how extremely intelligent they are themselves.  They're looking for someone intelligent just like me, but obviously they don't actually want someone intelligent just like me since I am not flattered by such clownery.  But they sure do want me to be flattered by such a clown tactic.  There are a number of reasons it doesn't work:

  1. I know I'm intelligent and don't need the validation for it from random strangers online.  Just like these men don't seek validation for their intelligence from strangers online.
  2. When you're smart or funny or kind or any number of traits, you don't need to start conversations by announcing it to others and trying to convincing them that you have those traits; people recognize them for themselves - especially when those people are as "intelligent" as you're claiming they are.
  3. I am not some grand exception; there is a limitless number of intelligent women online, here and on every site.  It's easy to tell there are so many since they message me and we talk - they just aren't interested in reaching out to you.  You haven't flattered me by announcing how dumb other women are to you, but you've told me a lot about what you think of women and their intelligence, mine included.
  4. The men who expect a woman to be flattered by telling her how very exceptional she is for being intelligent are simply using it as a pickup line.  People who think I'm smart, and who want to engage with me as a result, simply engage with me, without waxing poetic about how smart I am and how smart they are and how they've been looking for someone smart just like me.

It's a pick up line.  Talking about how smart they are and how smart they find me isn't even a conversation.  They're interested in me and they hope that by appealing to my intelligence rather than by being more blatant in their tactics, I'll be more receptive.  It's not flattering to me, but it is an unflattering look on these guys.  Genuine people engage genuinely.


10/11/2014 10:02:50 PM
In the last month or two, I've had 3 or 4 guys tell me that I'm "the one who got away."  It's an odd notion.  These were men that I've known for many years and have had very good friendships and connections with the entire time.  I suppose all of these friendships were mildly flirtatious, very kinetic, with a lot of touch.  Two of them were photographers I've worked with.  And all of them have claimed that they've always held this torch for me and how did I ever get away?  However, although we had a friendship with a little flirting here and there, that did not convey that they wanted more with me.  Maybe I should have assumed, but I don't know why I would possibly assume when a man can clearly communicate with me.  

Truth be told, I'm glad that I didn't fully know at the time.  I have deep caring for each of them, but I'd rather just be "the girl who got away."  I don't know if a friendship would have survived if the romance went sour.  Honestly, though, these men have built me up so much in their minds that I don't know if I could ever live up to what they desired of me and how disappointing that would be to discover.  (I should know.)  

I wonder if people have left relationships with me feeling like I wasn't as "good" as they thought I would be.  When I unpacked from a recent move, I found stockpiles of love letters that different people have written to me over time.  Way, way, way more people have told me that they love me than I've told people I love them.  Most of my ex lovers have either tried to stay intimately in my life (whether I desired that or not) or tried to get back together with me.  Now, that's either a testament of how much I rock...or it's a sign of the type of people that I pick.  It's probably the latter, but hopefully it's at least a combination of the two.  

It's kinda nice to be the girl who got away.  And, actually, what's nice is that I respect the men who feel that way about me.  These are not asshole jerks.  I generally hold them and their opinions in high regard, so to feel like they hold me in high regard, too, is nice.  And I guess they can always hold me in that regard because they will never have me to let them down.



10/10/2014 3:18:19 PM
Gentlemen,
It's of no use to put on your profiles that you won't fall for scams, that you're too smart and that you can't be suckered.  SCAMMERS DON'T CARE.  They are sending out things in mass and they're not reading that you think you're above it.  If they're scammers they're going to play their game with as many people as they can, whether or not it will succeed.  You're wasting your time.  You're wasting your energy and it's not even worth you acknowledging.  

Of course, most men don't read anything women write on their profiles, either, since they only look at the pictures, so I'm ultimately wasting my time, too.

10/9/2014 1:24:52 PM
I don't much identify as a slave anymore.  I don't much identify as a sub even.  How does ownership work when I don't wear those hats?  It's a title.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I would like more D/s in my life, but I'm not sure that will ever happen.  

I'm not totally unhappy, though, since at this point, I mostly want to stick needles in my friends and cut them with scalpels.  I'm always up for hooks, too.  And being burned!  My favorite!  Not too many people can get behind that, though.  No one thought I would ever top.  I'm still a pro sub at work, even though I could be a switch.  I don't switch because I only want to do what I want to do.  I don't care about fulfilling the fantasy that you're paying me to fulfill.  I want to stab you, cut you, burn you or piss on you.  None of which can I do at a pro dungeon.  

On the plus side...pony!  I have a lot more pony play in my life, which does so much good for my pony heart.  I've never had someone try so hard and be so supportive of my pony play.  Not a lot of people really like or get pony play.  Meh, I guess that makes it even more special.  Someone asked me yesterday if I like being a pony so that I could get fucked by a big stud.  *Cringe* I'm a beautiful DRESSAGE pony!  Of course you can have sex as a pony, but that is not the totality of pony headspace!  

Doesn't anyone realize that all of this is about headspace?  We do THIS, any of THIS, for the headspace!  I feel sorry for the guys who come into this simply to fuck.  It's not that hard to fuck.  What makes this lifestyle so dynamic is the deep headspace we find ourselves in from anything like bondage to to being spanked to playing with knives to anything.  Slaves/subs/bottoms have to be very trusting of their Masters/Doms/Tops because they may be in a completely different headspace when playing.  After play, even the D-types can experience top drop from the high they experienced.  What do we have without headspace?  Maybe rough sex, maybe not even that.  Someone wants to be a sub because of the delicious headspace it puts him/her in.  Same goes for Doms.  

Relish your headspace and respect the headspace of others.

10/8/2014 8:37:00 PM
I haven't been on here in a year and what a year it's been.

9/19/2013 5:32:12 PM

Sigh.  I was looking at a friend's profile on F3tlife and it made me really feel like the last three years of my life have been a waste.  I mean, I've made some wonderful friends and have had some amazing experiences, but I haven't acquired anything useful.  My time before that was productive, but somehow things got sidetracked.  I've spent the last few years playing with an ex Master who whips me bloody.  Yes, I like whips; I like blood.  But nothing particularly useful has come of that.  The pictures of my friend were of him and his slave teaching a whip class.  Together.  As a unit.  I bottom for whip classes, but even after three years, it's not like I can throw one myself.  I've had other Masters comment to me, surprised that he hasn't taught me anything in that time, but I kinda brushed it off because I have no desire to be a top.  However, it's not about being a top.  It's about gaining skill and knowledge from your Dominant.  Not just being a whipping post, but actually learning.  It's the Dom's job to lead the sub and to foster her growth.  It's not all about the pain and the protocol.  Evolution must occur.  In both the Dom and the sub.  Granted, we've only been ex's playing for these past years and not a D/s couple, but I've been wasting my time playing with him when I could be doing more productive things with someone else.  Blah.  I guess it's not necessarily a "waste," but it is a missed opportunity.  

 

At this point,  I want to do more than play.  I mean, I've always wanted to do more than just play, but my last three years, particularly the last year, have been poorly used.  I've been in useless relationships doing useless things.  Or even better, nothing at all.  I don't have to learn "top" or "Dom" things, but I do want to become a more well-versed person.  In whatever capacity or dynamic.  I'm not going to drop my play partners (or at least I'm probably not going to drop my play partners), but I want to work better service back into my life again.  Service that provides for my top, as well as provides for me.  

 

Submission isn't only about what you give.  It's also about what you get when you give.  D/s is a way for people to grow and strengthen themselves through various forms of discipline.  I don't feel that I've grown into a stronger person for what I've recently endured.  I don't feel that I've become more complete and more grounded, more whole and multifaceted.  I want true expansion.  Of course, it's never too late to change things and I am doing something about it now, but it still makes me groan to think of all the time I've spent with someone with little positive transformation.  Live and learn.  I will not look back on another three years with the same dissatisfaction.  


9/16/2013 9:56:25 PM

Alright.  Let me break this down for you.

 

Let me make this clear.  I don't care about moving.  I was looking for somewhere to move to already, anyway, so this isn't about us parting ways.  This is about your bullshit.

 

Friends don't treat friends that way.  Who are you kidding?  You're clearly not my friends.

 

I'm so glad that it was so convenient for you to have me drive an hour away (in good traffic) to come clean your toilets.  Thank you for giving me that oh-so-prestigious honor.  I would come in when no one was home, clean your bathrooms, wash your sheets, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, vacuum, sweep and dust.  And I would leave.  You came home to a clean house as though the cleaning fairy had passed through.  Thank you for letting me to continue doing that for who knows how long it had been before you decided you liked it better with me cleaning for you, but not living with you.  Yes, it is convenient to have a little pixie clean up after your shit.  And you do have tons and tons of shit.  Crap everywhere.  As a side note, you should clear out all that garbage.  You've been there for three years and it still looks like you're moving in.

 

But back to the point at hand, yeah, that's not how you treat friends.  Mother didn't teach you that?  You don't have me house sit for you, specifically on your request to have me there taking care of the house, and then a couple days after coming back from vacation boot me.  It makes me sick because you clearly doubted that I was even at the house and had to "test" me to see if I was really there.  Your little "test" did not go unnoticed.  I knew exactly what you were doing.

 

More importantly, you don't just hand someone an eviction notice and walk away.  Not when she's your FRIEND, anyway.  Especially since you both took TIME OFF WORK to do it.  There was ZERO reason you couldn't have just talked to me face-to-face.  What you SHOULD have done was called me to come home to talk to me.  TALK TO ME.  All your passive aggressive emails are total bullshit.  Am I so scary that you were never able to just look me in the eye and say what you needed to say?  No, actually, I'm not.  You're just a pair of passive aggressive fucks.  

 

And I loved how you took MORE time off work to BABYSIT my packing, as though I was going to steal from you or vandalize your property.  I've never done such a thing and there was no reason to believe I would start.  I obviously noticed that shit, too.  Goodness knows I wouldn't steal from you because I think your house is full of chaotic crap!  Crap everywhere!  And why would I waste my time vandalizing when you have so much useless crap that any vandalizing would never be noticed.  Get fucking real and get over yourselves.

 

Furthermore, don't fucking touch me.  When you see me, keep walking.  I don't want your fucking bullshit hugs.  Fuck you.  You're not my fucking friend.

 

And I'm not yours.


7/26/2013 10:46:41 PM

When did men get so insecure?  What's seeped into the water?  I like you, so be secure and happy in the fact that I'm freely giving of myself to you, whether it's as an acquaintance, a friend, a lover, a play partner, a slave, whatever.  Just know that I'm choosing to be here.  I'm not going to laundry list all of your great attributes and qualities.  I wouldn't want you to do that to me, either.  I'm going to trust that you're here because something about me draws you here.  Let's trust each other, trust that we're here because we want to be.


7/13/2013 1:33:08 AM

It seems like every girl anymore identifies as "bisexual."  It's an epidemic.  I wonder how many of those girls ACTUALLY like eating pussy.  I imagine a lot of those girls mostly just like to simply make out with their girlfriends when they're drunk.  I'm not sure that that really qualifies as bisexual.  Heteroflexible probably, but probably not fully bi.  

 

At this point, what is my sexuality?  

 

I suppose that technically I started out as a lesbian.  I was absolutely madly in love and hated spending even a moment away from her.  We were together for two years before one day she brought home a boyfriend.  A boyfriend?  Who the what now?  I never said anything to her about it.  I guess I just had an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude, so I landed a boyfriend of my own.  And that was the start of my poly relationships.  Additionally, it was also my introduction to BDSM since my boyfriend was a Dom.  A lot for a girl to take on.  I suppose I qualified as bisexual at that point.  I had fully sexual relationships with both male and female partners.    

 

As I got older, I identified more as pansexual.  All welcoming and all inclusive.  I've had all kinds of lovers with all kinds of traits and genders.  Female, male, MtF, FtM and I've loved them all equally.  I enjoyed people on an individual basis, not based on their genitalia.  

 

Now, however, my sexuality has evolved in a different direction.  I still want boys; I still want Tbois and Tgirls, but I no longer feel the desire to be with a woman.  I suppose on a very primitive and basic level, I mostly want cock now and I find myself attracted to people with penises.  I'm not sure when this development happened, but it's a pretty strong feeling.  I don't dislike women and I still find some women very attractive, but I don't want to have sex with them anymore.  No penis, no play.  Or something like that.  I wouldn't fight against an intense connection with a woman, but I definitely wouldn't seek it out at this point in my life.  

 

So what's my sexuality now?  I'm not a lesbian anymore.  I'm not bisexual anymore.  I'm not even pansexual anymore.  I only like men and either side of the trans coin, but not women, so I'm not all inclusive at this point.  How do you label that?  Not that labels are important, but when there are fill-in-the-blanks on profiles and such, there's no box for me to check.  It's like asking a biracial child to choose one box on her standardized test.  That's unfair and narrow minded.  There needs to be more options.  

 


6/27/2013 3:04:46 PM

I found that line.  And it wasn't too subtle when I found it, either.  It's almost relieving.  Now I can just do what I do and move on with my life.  I don't have to worry about retribution or offence.  Six months of shit just over with and I can just let it go.  Yes, people walk all over me.  No, they can't do it forever.  My patience does have a limit.  Plus, it just stops being fun or useful for me.  I can be a lot more patient when there's a payoff. Obviously.  When that payout ceases to exist, so does my patience.  Congratulations, you, job well done.


6/2/2013 11:04:11 PM

Where's the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of?

 

That's rhetorical.


5/24/2013 5:28:07 PM

Why is it so often that poly households are built upon a single man with multiple women? How come is it so rare to have a female with a bunch of men?  Not that it never happens, of course, but it's not very common, at all.  When it is a woman with various men, it's usually a cuckold situation where she may not be having sex with her cuck, anyway.  Or maybe she has sporadic hookups with various men to fulfill the cuck fantasy, but doesn't necessarily have another ongoing partner.  An open relationship isn't the same as a poly one.  Most of the poly triads (or larger) that I see are with a male head and two or more female subs.  Why is that the norm?  It seems that the healthiest circumstances would be a good mix of men and women.  Or maybe not.  But it seems like there should at least be more female led poly groups.  There are a lot of FemDoms, with a lot of male slaves, but most of the Dommes that I know aren't fucking most, if any, of their slaves and I'm not saying that they should.  However, I do think the score should be evened.  


5/23/2013 5:00:57 PM

Sometimes I read people's complaints about the difficulty in finding a compatible partner in the lifestyle and they threaten to "go back to vanilla."  If that's even an available choice for you, maybe you should.  I couldn't go vanilla.  I would spend my life miserable if I tried.  No matter what, partnered or unpartnered, this lifestyle runs through my veins.  It gives me fulfillment that I wouldn't otherwise have.  I love the freedom and creativity it allows me.  A vanilla relationship would not encompass all, or even most, of my needs.  

 

If you're able to happily live in a vanilla relationship, why even bother looking for a kinky or D/s one?  D/s just adds another level of complication.  Compatibility becomes more elusive, but at the same time, even more necessary.  Aligning kinks is difficult.  Trust must run stronger and truer than in vanilla relationships.  Building such blind trust is more than a little challenging, but how can we engage in play without it?  This is a mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, demanding and dangerous lifestyle.  Not for the weak of heart.  If you can live the vanilla life, you'd probably be better off doing just that.


5/16/2013 3:04:36 AM

Being in an "it's complicated," yeah, it's complicated.  There is so much more of a tug.  A "give" tug, a "take" tug.  Brutal tug-of-war.  I sometimes wonder if an "it's complicated" is just a better way of painting a codependent relationship.  If these parties were really compatible and interested in being together, they would work on that, and if they really had no interest in the relationship, they would just end it.  (Maybe be friends, but that's besides the point.)  Instead of either of those options, they choose to make things "complicated."  They love to hate and hate to love each other.  They want to leave, but codependency pulls them back together.  It's not particularly healthy, but because either one or both people can't make a clean break, the roller coaster continues.  I know that no one in an "it's complicated" views their relationship as codependent and of course not every "complicated" relationship is, but more often than not things are not nearly as complicated as they feel.


4/22/2013 10:37:50 PM

I always wonder about Dominants who post naked pictures of themselves.  Especially the women.  I understand that sexuality is a strong force, but it seems like it would be even more powerful if it wasn't something so easily given.  Of course, I wonder about male Doms, too, particularly the ones who post bare ass shots.  Submissives often post body shots (specifically as a show of submission) to display what they have to offer, what a Dom can have and take, but when a male Dom shows an ass shot, I immediately wonder if he's showing it off so that it can be taken.  Not that there's anything wrong with a Dom who likes ass play, but I have to ponder if that's the impression he means to give.  Subs can expect to be naked and vulnerable most, if not all of the time, but do Doms want to signify that they, like their submissive counterparts, will be open and exposed all of the time, too?  On a deeper level, yes, a good Dom will be open and exposed, but not necessarily always in the literal sense.  Regardless of how literal or figurative that openness is, does a Dom want to give that initial impression from naked profile pictures?


Never mind cock shots; no one is impressed by cock shots.  


4/11/2013 8:33:37 PM
 

Cheating.

 

There's emotional cheating and physical cheating.  Often they're combined.  Women sometimes consider emotional cheating by a man more unforgivable and men sometimes view physical cheating by a woman more detrimental.  Neither is good.

 

What are the lines for either?  That depends on the dynamic of the couple, of course, but in general where is that line?  And what annihilates a relationship more?  How often do relationships recover from cheating?  Once that trust is destroyed, how do you rebuild it?  

 

I wonder how often people actually admit to either form of cheating, as long as they don't get caught.  Is it ever even a good idea to disclose that information?  It simply deteriorates the relationship for the sake of alleviating guilt.  Is it okay to cause someone that pain just to unload the guilt?  Especially if it's a one time thing?  Maybe it's better to reveal that information if it IS only a one time indiscretion, though.  Then again, maybe not.  

 

An ongoing affair is an entirely different level of cheating.  A lot of times, people have emotional affairs when they feel particularly neglected by their partners.  Then it turns into physical affairs. Of course, sometimes it's the other way around.  An emotional affair seems a lot more dangerous to a relationship than physically cheating.  A person can easily cut off a physical affair.  You just stop fucking the person.  Emotional affairs are more complicated from which to extract yourself.  How does a person just turn off their feelings?  


3/22/2013 8:14:27 PM

Can men and women really have platonic relationships?

 

A lot of women think that they have a lot of platonic relationships with men, but a lot of men claim that that really isn't true.  I've heard it described as a ladder: a guy wants to have sex with every non-relative female friend he knows; it's just a matter of what rung on the ladder you are.  Whether you're at the top of the ladder or at the bottom still means that he wants to fuck you.  

 

Why do women think that they have platonic relationships when men don't see it that way?  Why do women want to just keep things platonic?  Why don't men?  Although, undoubtedly  there are men who would argue that of course they have platonic relationships with women.  I just wonder how truly honest that is.  Maybe they don't even realize it themselves.  Who knows?

 

I wonder if I have platonic relationships with men.  Admittedly, a few of my platonic relationships are with ex boyfriends, so I don't know if that counts.  I can't imagine ever being with them again, but do they feel the same way about me?  Actually, I know at least a couple who would totally get back together with me, if I permitted.  Hmmm.  

 

I have a lot of male Dom friends.  I know some of them would definitely fuck me or slap a collar on me given the opportunity.  Does that still count as platonic?  Is it still purely platonic if the want is clearly there, but just hasn't been acted upon?  

 

What about my male sub friends?  I feel like those relationships are certainly platonic.  But what if they would still sleep with me, even though they obviously wouldn't want a longer term relationship with me?  Or, maybe the only real platonic friendships I can actually have are with sub men.  No, wait, a couple of my ex's are subs, too.  

 

Are so-called platonic relationships just a means for women to inadvertently (or maybe not so inadvertently) use men?  Use them emotionally, maybe financially, mentally.  Use them physically, just to have a warm body and security near by.  Maybe women's platonic relationships aren't so innocent, either.

 

I'd like to think that I have platonic relationships.  Just nice, solid relationships that don't have sexual undercurrents or alternative agendas.  Maybe I don't, though.  


3/20/2013 6:49:16 PM

It's amazing that anyone makes a connection with anyone else, at all.  Lining up wants, desires, priorities, demands, limits, time, and status...a lot of work.  Almost impossible.  And then there are times when connections are made immediately.  The rare event, indeed.  But the anomaly isn't the point:

 

When the stars don't align for people, it's really too bad that one or the other person just can't let it go.  It's one thing if you already have an established relationship that you're desperate to salvage, but it's another thing entirely when the relationship hasn't even really started to bud.  You're merely talking to one another.  Nothing is invested yet.  Your situations don't jive, at least not for the time, so let it be, and for goodness sake, don't be bitter about it.  Badgering, cajoling, pleading, demanding, threatening, begging, pestering, belittling, and arguing aren't going to help.  Defending your right to do as you please is also unnecessary.  You can certainly do whatever you please.  And I can choose not to be a part of it.  Good luck to you.  You have the right to fulfill your needs and wants, but I have no obligation to do that for you.  Even more so, I definitely don't need to coddle you to the detriment of myself.

 

Everyone has needs and seeks to have them met, but not everyone else is able or willing to meet those needs.  Nor should they have to.  People have boundaries for a reason.  They should be respected.  In a relationship.  And even before.


3/14/2013 10:11:16 PM

I'm so overwhelmed.  Desperate and happy.  Desperately happy.  Happily desperate.  

 

I never thought I would get over him.  It was so deeply rooted.  The first time around was such a debacle, but the second time around was...good.  We had a history and he was a better man.  There were things I was never going to have and I had kinda resigned myself to that, but I suppose that's just what it was... resignation.  I don't know how much of that is going on now, too, though.  In any case, I am over him.  I don't even talk to him anymore.  I used to talk to him everyday.  The thought of talking to him now repulses me.  I have successfully purged him from my system.  And then some.

 

I have someone else in my system.  And I have things that I didn't have before.  I don't have other things, but the trade off is worth it.  For sure.  I have better things now.  

 

I'm just afraid to lose them.  I'm happy and I'm desperate to hold onto it.  It really doesn't take much to make me happy.  A single text.  A five minute phone call.  Holding my hand.  Anything at all.  It all makes me happy.  I want more than anything for him to be happy.  I want him to have what he wants, what he's dreamed about, his destiny.  That's the only thing that will give him what he needs.  I want that for him.  

 

I just hope that he takes me with him when he goes.


1/26/2013 3:03:49 PM

I'm really happy and relieved.  It was worth the wait.  And I've learned a very valuable lesson.

 

I have to just not ask, not make any requests, not say anything...

And I get what I want.

 

I decided to stop making inquiries since apparently that was akin to an interrogation and to just wait and trust.  He knows what I want, so I just have to wait and let him give it to me on his terms, when he wants to.  As long as it's completely on his terms and with his permission, I'll probably get what I want, so it's worth the wait.  I can't do anything that might feel like pressure, not even a little bit.  Don't question him; just accept what I'm given.  I just have to learn to be calm and trust him.  I guess he's learning to trust me again, too. 

 

It's all kinda a double edge sword, though.  I'm not sure if I have too much freedom now.  I can pretty much do most anything, within very reasonable and loose bounds, but I don't want to have sex with other people and I don't want him to, either.  I don't think it will really come up, but I don't want it to at all.  Ever.  I've done the poly thing, always successfully, a number of times before, but I don't want that anymore.  I'm over it.  Do I want an open relationship?  Not really.  And playing with other people isn't the same as having a sex with someone else.  Do I care if he plays with other people?  I'm definitely okay with that.  I consider that kinda par for the course, anyway.  Do I want to have sex with someone outside of our relationship?  No.  Do I want him to have sex with someone outside of our relationship?  Not really digging that notion, either. 

 

And that's where the double edge sword comes in.  When I stopped asking for leeway, he gave it to me, but did he give me too much?  The leeway goes both ways.  Am I okay with that?  Unfortunately, I can't say anything and I can't ask.  When I do, that's when things go to shit.  And I know how some people would judge that, but that's simply the price that I'm paying right now.  Maybe it won't be that way forever.  Or maybe it will be.  Regardless, it's not going to change in the immediate future and I just need to accept that currently.  However, I do wish that I could say more about it without rocking the boat.  

 

Of course, maybe it's just a test to see if I would do it.  Actually, I hope it's just a test to see if I would do it.  That would make things infinitely easier because this isn't a test that I would particularly fail.  I've pretty much worked anyone else out of my system.  I only have one who holds my attention now.  I only want him; I don't want anyone else.  Maybe I just have to trust that he knows that and that he'll give that to me if I'm just calm and trust him.

 

This is simply a test of my quiet faith.


12/28/2012 8:14:56 PM

I know you read this.  I don't know why you read this.  I don't know why you read my journals here or look at my other profiles.  I didn't call you out on anything, though.  I just watched you.  Whether you know it or not, you say a lot.

 

You're paying attention to me.  Apparently.  I want you to pay attention to me.  But why do you do it?  The thought of you used to mostly annoy me.  After all, I wanted my stuff.  (Your place is not the only place where I've spent the night.)  Now, I miss you.  I want you and I want you to want me.  I'll leave it all behind.  I'll stop everything with everyone.  I don't care about anyone else.  I just care about you.  Please...


11/4/2012 8:53:08 PM

So, as I was driving last night, it clicked with me.  I'm popular.  It had never really dawned on me before quite like that.  It's kinda like a teacher who is so proficient at their subject that they can no longer teach it at a level for the students to understand, but the teacher doesn't even realize it because it is so ingrained in him.  I'm that teacher.  Apparently popularity was ingrained in me and I wasn't even aware.  Everywhere my Sir and I went, I was constantly hugging and kissing hellos to every one.  Talking and catching up with someone.  Making plans with someone else.  Running around with someone.  Shedding clothes with a group of people to get in a pool or jacuzzi.  Having fun with lots and lots of my favorite people.

 

And I was dating that nerdy kid that got picked on in school; dating the unpopular, wallpaper of a kid.  Unless the nerdy kid has worked through his issues, it's never going to work for him to date the popular girl because he'll always be insecure and self conscious about dating the popular girl.  (I imagine it goes both ways with the unpopular girl dating the popular guy.)  And as unfortunate as it was, my guy (despite how much he would claim he didn't care) had not worked through his issues.  He had to pre-emptively hate all friends before they could hate them, so that if they didn't like him, well, he already didn't like them first.  He didn't like public stuff because he didn't think things needed to be displayed, but to whom are we displaying this stuff?  Ourselves.  People just like us.  Our own esoteric clique.  I know that he was really just insecure about the idea of his skills being put on display.  He was insecure.  My friends are all crazy good at what they do and have mad skills that they get payed well to do.  My Sir was just a guy dabbling into a little bit of something kinky in the bedroom.  He couldn't play with the big dogs in the scene.  He was just insecure.

 

And that would have been fine, if only he would have communicated it and not been this arrogant jerk about everything.  You don't want to go to scene events?  Come with me to classes.  Learn some skills.  We can practice at home.  You don't know how to do something, watch while someone else does it to me.  Instead, he kept me locked in a cage where I couldn't play with anyone else, but he wasn't playing with me, either.  I need my play time. 

 

It's amazing how quickly you get over someone the older you get.  Actually, maybe it's not that you get over them quicker the older you get, it's that you get over them quicker the fewer of your needs are taken care of.  It's a shame really.  A real shame.  I really liked that one and thought he was a keeper.  It's my curse, really, as long as I start thinking about a future with someone not even talking, just thinking, about the future, things start falling apart, plus I put him on speed dial!  What was I think?!  I know better than to put someone on speed dial.  Kiss of death, baby, kiss of death.

 

Moral of the story:  if you're a popular girl, the nerdy guy may seem like a safe card, but they have ugly insecure demons, beware.


8/11/2012 11:48:31 PM

Ha.  Is this a new fad?  I must have missed the memo...

 

Since when does being a male Dominant automatically make you a doctor?


8/11/2012 9:19:14 PM

Why do people claim to be "no limits"? 

 

Everyone has limits.  I, personally, love amputee porn, but I've yet to find a "no limits" slave who has been willing to get amputated for me.  Why?  Oh, yeah, because people have limits!

 

Some people have more extreme limits, possibly that will land them in jail or in an early grave, but even they have limits on something.  Perhaps they refuse to eat carrots, whatever.  And, in reality, those with the more extreme or disturbing limits, are probably not trolling around the relatively mainstream places like collarme, but are preying in more esoteric arenas.

 

Regardless, even the people with extreme or illegal fetishes aren't into EVERYTHING; even they aren't "no limits."  They're just particularly into their own divergent kink.  Furthermore, the majority of the people who boast the "no limits" title aren't comparatively deviant, anyway.  More often than not, they don't really have very much real time experience in the BDSM world.  They fancy themselves "no limits" because it's an erotic notion and they haven't actually had their limits truly tested (but, without a doubt, they'd claim otherwise).  Most people aren't truly, deeply depraved; they're not Albert Fish or Armin Meiwes.  Of course, even those two weren't specifically "no limits," they were just very very into their own fetishes. 

 

The closest thing there is to "no limits" is not having to set or to announce limits to a Master or Mistress because you both, innately, hold the same basic limits.  I don't have a safe word (which is a whole other journal) and have never set limits with my Sir because I know that he has the same basic legal and ethical limits that I have.  It's not necessarily that I'm "no limits," it's simply that I don't have to list my hard limits because my Sir shares those same basic hard limits, too (and all my other, softer limits prove malleable and pushable).  In fact, sensibly, I'd only serve someone who held the same intrinsic values that I do.

 

Anyway, enough with the "no limits" nonsense.  Be thoughtful about it and get on with things.


8/8/2012 6:52:28 PM

I was supposed to see him this past weekend, but I never did and I never called, either.  I never thought that I would one day be as over him as I am.  He's in my periphery now and I almost don't want to see him, anymore.  Things are so different now; I have someone who puts me first.  Maybe I was always a priority with him, too, but I never felt it.  I was the "primary" in a long line of people and things, but it always felt competitive.  Now, I don't have to worry about that.  I like it. 

 

We went to the fair today.  He arranged his schedule so that we could go because he knew it would make me happy.  It did make me happy.  I always had to rearrange my schedule around the former.  Now it's more of a compromise.  And I'm not second.


7/31/2012 8:07:07 PM

So...I'm trying this new "good girl" thing.  I'm generally not bad, but sometimes I may not be able to be classified as good either.  Per se.  I just don't think that he's being serious.  I don't know.  I generally don't have consequences, so I just don't take things as seriously as maybe I should.  But I'm making a concerted effort now.  After all, it never gets old to hear someone coo, "Good girl."

 

He thinks that I don't respect him the way that I respected Doms in the past, but I'm not so sure that that is it.  I certainly feared one of my prior Doms, but I wouldn't say that I particularly respected him.  Others I respected for a time, but it didn't last.  I actually do respect him.  He's passionate.  While our causes aren't the same, I definitely respect that he's so passionate about higher causes.  As a person, I respect him a lot more than any of my previously Doms and I respect him more than most people in general. 

 

Ah, I miss him tonight.


6/12/2012 5:50:41 PM

Three years later.  Lovers have come and gone and with that brought happiness and grief.  Fortunately, there were considerably more happy moments than sad ones, but who's counting? 

 

I've evolved a lot over that time and so has my place in this community and scene.  It's become less about "Him" and more about me.  And now it's becoming more about US.  It's a complicated push and pull and plays out in different dynamics and on different levels, but it's nice to finally be someone's number one girl.  Of course, now that I've put that in writing, I've completely jinxed myself...which I already did when I put him on speed dial.  I wonder how things will play out.  At some point, something is going to break, though.  Or rather, someone.  I pray it isn't him. 

 

There's a party this weekend.  Fuck.  This could potentially be very fun or very unpleasant.  I don't know who's going to break over that one.  Part of me wants to still go out and have the same kinds of fun with my friends that I'm used to having and part of me thinks he's worth just being with him.  But I'm DIVERSE.  My tastes and interests vary widely and I don't do the same things with everyone.  I play differently with different partners and it doesn't mean that he isn't my world; it just means that some things are specialty items, well, specialty play. 

 

My world is just him, but my universe is vast.


6/7/2012 3:23:50 AM

So many sad and unhappy people.  And I'm not one of them right now.  Or am I? 

 

I'm happy if WE are happy.  Together.  But I'm miserable otherwise.  I think it's otherwise and things have changed.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  I always accuse him of being paranoid, and he is, but maybe I'm being frantic in this situation.  After all, the actual circumstances haven't even come up yet.  Maybe they never will.  Maybe he'll be accepting.  Maybe I should worry less.  Maybe I shouldn't "should" myself. 

 

I so want him to be happy.  I want him to be happy with me.  It's been a long time since I've cared about someone new.  But I do care.  I care a lot.  He means a lot to me and I want to mean a lot to him.


5/16/2012 7:53:27 PM

So, I'm content.  I'm excited about DomCon.  I can't wait to see a bunch of my friends from all over the country and I can't wait to meet new people.  New people.  I need fresh blood and new people in my life.  The old blood has kinda drained from me.  Thankfully.  New opportunities. 

 

He likes me.  I think he really likes me, but he's insecure and afraid to fully show it.  He's insecure.  I make him insecure.  I wish he could make him feel better.  It's difficult, though, given the circumstances.  I understand.  I suppose I would feel the same in the same situation.  I just want to feel free and date.  I've finally freed myself and now it's time to really date.  I'm here and ready.  It feels good to be ready and available.  It's good.


5/8/2012 11:57:33 PM

Very frustrated.  Sleep.  Why can't I get more than a couple of hours a night?  My head is spinning and I just want to escape.  Any thoughts of him are so oppressive.  I'm trying to escape from my one supportive pillar.  Or something.  Many would dispute that.  I do, too.  "My only love sprung from my only hate."  Although, I feel stronger about the whole situation than I have in a long time.  I suppose I've had a few epiphanies and things are much clearer, not fogged by emotions.  Don't even know where the emotions stand.  I do, however, know that I should probably start getting out there more, perhaps dating more, etc., etc.  What a painful endeavor.  I just want everything to just be.  And I want to feel comfortable in my skin again.  Literally. 

 

Is it medication?  Is it a coincidence?  This whole last few weeks have been a nightmare and it's not getting any better.  It's just getting skewed.  More so.  I suppose I need time, but I don't want time; I want results.  I want him.  Or do I?  It always feels like you can never get over someone, but then one day, you're over him.  And he's naught but a distant notion from the past.  Sometimes not even that, at all.  When does that moment happen?  And how come sometimes you only care when it's too late? 

 

It's actually mostly all embarrassment.  It shouldn't much matter, though, because I was never more than a whisper on the wind.  Never seen, never heard.  No one really knows the difference.  I know the difference.  But so what?  Few others do.  Unfortunately for me, all my blocks are toppling at the same time.  It's too much at once.  The last face to face meetings are in a couple of days and then I'm starting from scratch.  Again.  With everything.  Again.  Why doesn't it ever occur to me to simply lie?  Things would be so much easier for me if I'd only lied.  To a great degree that would defeat the purpose, but it would be more helpful to do so.  Too late now.

 

And I'm never going to fall asleep.


3/30/2011 1:06:41 AM

The other night was my first blow torch wax scene since suffering all those nasty burns right before AVN.  My body is covered in layer upon layer of burn scars, but oh, I was not happy about those particular burns.  Not only did they mark me just before I had to be presentable, but I was doubly upset because it shouldn't have happened at all...yes, fire (particularly with blow torches) is high risk play, but that was a scene I had done multiple times before with the same partner.  We both knew how to play the scene.  However, that day he decided to up the ante in ways that he had not previously tested.  You're dousing a girl in scalding waxy magma, while her head is completely wrapped in cellophane so she can't see or hear anything other than the blow torch at her face...is it really necessary to up the ante?  The result: nasty, painful burns that blotched my back; scars that I still bear. 

 

But I suppose these things happen. 

 

After an acknowledgment & apology, I forgave & forgot.  Until last night...

 

There's a new girl on the block.  When I'm not around to take the punishment, sometimes he scenes with this other girl, who was only first introduced to BDSM back in December.  Sadly, she showed up with a telltale ooey gooey burn on her stomach; it was from wax play.  With him.  Of course.  And she thought that SHE had done something wrong to somehow DESERVE the slimy burned mess on her torso. 

 

It's kinda heartbreaking.  This is this girl's introduction to S/m.  And there's no physical connection for her, no emotional connection, no mental connection.  There's simply scars.  She's just enduring for the sake of proving that she can endure...with someone who didn't learn his lesson with me, months ago. 

 

Often, I wonder why I bother to endure some of the things that I do, but at least I have a basis of comparison.  I have known & have experienced the difference, the deep satisfaction from having my limits pushed, through a true mental & emotional connection to a top.  I am very much aware of exactly which skills a top possesses & which he sorely lacks.  I know the difference...

 

But what difference does it make for me to know which is what!?  I hear so so SO much talk about bringing "integrity" back into the scene, which is great, in theory, no doubt, but how does that play out in practice?  It doesn't.  Or perhaps everyone's notions of "integrity" are too different?  Either way, it's difficult to watch new girls go through the "issues" that I've faced (without them even knowing genuine skill from big talk), since ultimately, raising a raunchy stink doesn't ACTUALLY change anything, anyway, but it does stir drama.  It ends up coming across as busybody behavior rather than as anything remotely resembling something beneficial...

 

And then things return to the status quo, anyway.


3/28/2011 11:35:43 AM

I have a lot of collars dangling before me, a lot of men who oh-so-want to see me wear their collars...

 

Over the last few of years, I've become a rather popular little girl in the community & in the scene.  I suppose that has its pros & cons, but it means that I get a lot of attention, some good, some bad, but all mostly very similar...

 

He was the most recent in a series.  Ha.  Oh my my!  He told me all about how the men before him didn't treat me right & that there wasn't any "integrity" in the community & he was going to bring it back & he was going to be a "real" man for me (unlike the men before) & that he was so unique & different from everyone else blah blah blah.  Alrighty.  What he didn't realize was that those were the EXACT things that EVERY man had said to me before him.  Indeed, he didn't have any understanding of my previously relationships or how the men before him treated me, at all, yet he was preaching to me about how different he was.  Ultimately, though, he wasn't different; he was the latest who hyped such notions, but then proved to be the same brand of cocky as all the others. 

 

And "cocky" isn't attractive.  "Cocky" doesn't equate to "confidence."  Cockiness is obviously just an overcompensation for insecurity.  Obviously.  Everyone has insecurities; guys have insecurities & they can be difficult to manage, for sure, but there are definitely a lot more cocky men in this particular subculture than in a lot of other places.  Guys have to puff up their little feathers.  Sometimes in an effort to prove "dominance," men revert to very catty & cocky behavior.  It's unfortunate, but it's even more annoying when they condemn others for the same behavior, in an effort to "win" the girl.  Yes, it's hypocritical, but not necessarily purposely so--it's just a deep denial of their insecurities.  People who are truly confident don't have the need to do that, don't have the need to talk about how confident they are. 

 

Of course, the whole "Everyone else treated you so baaadly & I'm going to be your saaavior" concept applies to the collared sub boys I date, too.  (What's with the hero complex?  I'm not a Disney princess--I'm an adult, with 30 looming in my not-too-distant future!  I'm not interested in a crystal tiara or a knight in shiny armor.)  Unfortunately, the one sub guy who didn't do ANY of that to me also didn't have the balls to be with me the way that he (& I) wanted--he wasn't cocky, but he also didn't have any confidence.  Oh well.  These aren't bad guys (generally); they're not bad people...they're just hiding their lack of confidence, in whatever capacity, behind cockiness.  Just like everybody else...

 

Sadly, all these dangling collars are about insecurities, too.  These people just want to pin me down, want to feel that they possess me, so that others don't have me.  It's a bunch of kids on the playground who want to hoard a toy just so that no one else can enjoy it--not because they even know what to do with the toy if (& when) they have it. 

 

It's a matter of weeding through things & being diplomatic.  To the degree that is possible.  And being patient.  It's all about patience...


3/27/2011 3:57:39 PM

It's interesting...

 

A lot of men (quite often the ones who spend a lot more time online than actually engaging in real life BDSM) complain incessantly about Pro-Dommes & Mistresses.  They feel that these women are simply trying to exploit men & the lifestyle.  That may or may not be true; a lot of Pros truly possess & have honed skills that the average college brat...lacks (& there are plenty of men who would prefer paying for the service, getting exactly what they want, & getting out, anyway).  When people want professional skills, often they have to pay for those skills, whether it's monetarily or "other."  Likewise, anytime when hiring a pro, there's the good, the bad, & the mediocre.  A person must research the pro one hires & not just hire the first one that comes along, or is the "hottest," or whatever.  Unless that single qualifier is a person's only priority, in which case there should be no complaints. Men don't want women to exploit them in their lifestyle, of course, but women don't appreciate men exploiting the lifestyle, either. 

 

I can't count how many times some jackoff with the cheapest pocket camera seeks fetish models to shoot...nude...for free, under the guise of being a professional photographer.  Sometimes it is a pro photographer who is just using a girl for his own pay day, without properly compensating her, & other times, it is just some random perv who is using photography as a front to snag naked chicks.  There are a lot of quality, skilled photographers out there, who don't just use the lifestyle for exploitation, but there are a lot of men who are not as on the up 'n up.  Some people enjoy amateur photography as a hobby & other people are complete exhibitionists, great match, but when some random dork claims to be a professional photographer, it's no better than the unqualified women claiming to be Pro Doms. 

 

Either way, there are plenty of people, both men & women, who exploit elements of the lifestyle.  Unfortunately.  It's too bad, but it's fairly easy to not end up exploited in those ways (unless, of course, that's a person's kink).  All in all, though, I suppose it would be nice for everyone if the amateurs stopped exploiting the "Pro" title...


3/26/2011 9:43:59 PM

Ah, regaining my privacy.  The public sphere & the private sphere.  And all that good jazz. 

 

People know the public you & they assume that they also know the private you.  No. 

 

More importantly, however, are the people who are part of your private life, who don't want to give you space.  Enough.  I know we're close.  I know we're F/family, but when I close the door to take a shower, knock before you enter.  Better yet, just wait to pee until I'm finished.  Sometimes I could use a moment to myself.  I don't want to do EVERYTHING as a F/family all the time.  I LIKE to do things solo; I need experiences without everyone's "support," just being quiet & introspective.  Left to myself.  By myself.  For myself.  Alone. 

 

That's what makes it so annoying--everyone thinks that s/he is providing me great "support," but...huh?  "Support"?  For what?  Why?  No.  (It's like someone offering an apology when he doesn't know why he's sorry.)  The so-called support doesn't feel good.  It's absolutely stiffing.  I'm suffocating.  Yet, for me to reject so much "support" just seems like I'm a jerk.  Yeah, maybe I am, but I gotta breathe. 

 

I tried to keep my hook suspension from my F/family, but my public life, unfortunately, made that information...public.  All of a sudden, I have someone there wanting to hold my hands while I'm getting pierced, wanting to rig my hooks, wanting to be a part of this & that, wanting to give constant "support."  Ah.  Leave me alone.  All the extra chaos is only more stressful for me.  Yes, my hook suspension was amazing, but it still ended up becoming a F/family affair (particularly when a "supportive" F/family member ended up hanging off me, too), which is what I wanted to avoid.  Per usual.  EVERYTHING does NOT have to be a group effort.  Really.

 

I miss my solitude.  Or at least some breathing room.  Mine.


12/3/2010 8:34:06 PM

It's difficult for me.

I think that private school ended up being a great disservice to me.  It taught me how to write well.  It taught me critical thinking.  But most unfortunately, it surrounded me with smart people.  Even the dumbasses were idiot savants in their own rights.  My class, in particular, was full of so many bright students that my college-prep school had to readjust the classes & curriculum to keep up with us.  It makes things difficult for me now, though...

At the time, I didn't take note or realize that we were particularly smart or exceptional.  We were so nonchalant & apathetic about it all, & it all came so easily to most of us...I suppose I just figured that pretty much everyone was like us, that true idiots were the exception, not the rule.  It wasn't until I got to college that I realized not everyone was particularly bright.  Now, despite how much I've never wanted to believe it, it seems that most people are actually exceedingly dim.  Startling so.   And not necessarily because everyone is innately stupid, which makes it even more unfortunate.  It's crushing for me.  I took for granted that "common sense" was actually common & made sense.  Now, I'm actually the outsider for it.  Ugh, and it seems that most people don't even realize how truly dim they are.  (The areas in which I lack, I'm most CERTAINLY aware of how badly I suck.)  I love how many people just hate all the stupid people out there...but actually prove to be one of the stupid people themselves.  It's amusing for a new york minute, but ultimately, it's boring & lonely for me.  And frustrating.  And boring.  And lonely. 

Particularly as a submissive woman...


11/30/2010 3:17:27 PM
My relationships fall under the "It's complicated" umbrella.  Yours do, too. 

But I don't particularly find "It's complicated" fulfilling.  I miss having a mutually beneficial relationship where my partner & I consider one another "THE primary."  I want to be someone's primary.  I don't want to be a number.  I don't want to stand patiently in line.  I don't want to be an afterthought. 

I don't want your excuses.

I don't even want your apologies...

I just want to be your #1 girl.

11/19/2010 2:13:50 AM

I learned a long time ago to keep it all to myself.  When someone hurts or upsets me, I likely won't say much (if anything) about it.  I learned a long time ago to keep it all to myself...

When someone hurts me & I express that hurt to them, I'm essentially making myself vulnerable to them all over again.  I am giving them added ammunition to fire on me...or even just to have, just to know & to savor.  That's how it works.  That's what I've learned. 

Perhaps more importantly, however, at the point of me feeling rather brutalized by someone, it's because the behavior has proven egregious...And adults don't need to be TOLD that they're behaving seriously BADLY.  They know.  And they're doing it, anyway.  Usually, it's out of selfishness & because they think that they'll get away with it.  But I shouldn't have to TELL another adult not to abuse me, that it hurts me when abused, that I don't like it.  No matter how annoying I may find the petty things, they don't HURT me; the wicked shit hurts me.  Only sociopaths don't know when they've been wicked.  And there's no point in expressing my hurt to a sociopath since there's no reasoning with insanity, anyway. 

Unfortunately, when I don't say anything, people often mistakenly believe that they've actually gotten away with something (how dreadfully foolish of them) & my friends accuse me of not sticking up for myself.  Alright, so sometimes I actually say something.  But then people decide not to take what I have to say too "personally."  They don't want to believe that I actually take issue with their treatment of me.  No, no, that can't be it.  It must be something else, something which precludes them from acknowledging anything that I say.  I'm a reasonable person.  I don't stress the trivial stuff.  I don't yell or swear when I'm upset.  I wait my turn to talk.  Therefore, when I say something to an offender, it is most certainly personal.  There was no mistake in saying it.  I meant to express it & I meant to express it to that individual.  It was intended personally; take it personally. 

In spite of all that, the best reason for me not to say things is because it softens me too much now.  Sometimes I do say something to someone who has been wickedly horrible to me...And then I can't be angry at that person anymore.  My hardness softens & I want to be patient & understanding again.  I don't want to be hard & I can't stay angry.  Softening for people who prove unworthy of forgiveness or of second (or third or fourth or fifth) chances should not be afforded such benefits.  Being hard is a valuable defense mechanism against mental & emotional predators, but the verbal release weakens my resolve against such attacks.  It's one thing to forgive & forget the misdeeds of someone genuinely apologetic, but it's detrimental to allow someone back into my heart who doesn't belong there.  Sometimes...it really is better to just keep it to myself...


11/5/2010 10:20:48 AM

The mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I understand all the reasons why you're my ex.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation.  Mentally, I understand that you brought all your consequences upon yourself.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation.  Mentally, I understand that if I were ever with you again, you'd still be the same narcissistic beastly emotional vampire who destroys pretty girls.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation. Mentally, I abhor the idea of reconciling with you & find it absolutely repulsive. 

Oh, the mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I know you must like me.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too.  Mentally, I know that you're out of reach & out of range.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too.  Mentally, I know that you may be even more reserved & more cautious than I am.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too. Mentally, I should just grow a pair or get over it. 

The mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I recognize the nature of things with you.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, I recognize the great freedom & acceptance that I have with you.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, I recognize that I wouldn't want the relationship to be any other way.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, it's really not a big deal & we're both getting needs fulfilled. 

Ugh, the mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I'm fully aware that you are quite mentally unsound.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, I'm fully aware that I've allowed you to destroy my life before & I can't ever let that happen again.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, I am fully aware that I have a difficult time respecting you, at all.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, you're not my damn problem.

 


10/25/2010 12:23:07 PM

No, it's not that I'm somehow actually a Mistress, it's that you have not learned how to dominate me. 

I am curt & no-nonsense.  I either say what I have to say bluntly & honestly, or I keep my thoughts to myself, but I don't sugarcoat anything.  Initially, men always claim to find that oh-so-refreshing.  They claim that they want a woman who is straightforward, who doesn't "play games," who says what she means & means what she says...but people must be careful about the things for which they wish...

People always want to read into the things I say.  No, don't do that; I'm capable of communicating.  I said what I intended to say; it doesn't need to be translated.  Even when I'm angry, I'm very careful about what I choose to say because words cannot be unsaid, no matter how many apologies we give.  Anyway, I'd rather not have to apologize.  If I said something in anger, I very much intended to say it.  Sometimes it may hurt for someone to hear the things that I say, but I do not say things for the purpose of being hurtful & the things I say are honest.  I'm very patient, but I am also very no-nonsense & once my last nerve has been ridden, I'm done.  I don't pretend to like people that I don't.  I won't permanently cut anyone from my life, but I won't tolerate much at that point, either. And you'll know. 

I'm also logical to a fault.  Men claim that they like that, too, but they have a hard time dealing with it.  Most people are not very logical, even when they fancy themselves as such...I, however, am & I don't act out of emotion. Again, men claim that they prefer that, but they don't know what to do when they have it.  It frustrates them.  And they often end up acting out emotionally...

Ultimately, even though guys think that they like a girl who is just cut & dry, they have to be careful with that wish because it means that I don't use cute little innuendos & I don't flirt.  I generally keep to myself.  Flirting does not compute.  I either say what I have to say to you bluntly...or I don't.  No in between.  I'm not going to find excuses to make unwarranted physical contact, I'm not going to call you just to "chat" because I want to hear your voice, I'm not going to say something to you with sexy "undertones" (hint hint wink wink).  When I don't, it confuses them.  It really shouldn't, though.  In my case, if I seem indifferent to a guy, it's because I'm indifferent to him...and I'm rather indifferent to most guys.  I suppose I'm indifferent to most people, in general, anyway, though. 

Regardless, it does NOT make me a Dominant just because you don't know how to deal with me, handle me, interact with me, take me, etc.  Just because I find your nonsense illogical (& likely very tedious), that doesn't mean that I'm a SAM or that I want to top from the bottom or that I'm somehow "secretly" a Mistress in disguise.  You claimed you wanted honesty.  I just told you what I had to say honestly, not rudely, but very curtly.  No sugar on top.  As a sub.  You didn't like what you asked to hear, but I told it straightforward AND I'm still a woman AND I'm still a sub.  As a Dominant man, deal with it.  Or don't.  But next time, be careful about your wishes, if you can't handle it.

 


10/24/2010 4:21:56 PM

It's been a long week.  I suppose it's been a long year, though. I think I'm melting away.  Maybe I'm just wishing I would. 

And I'm starting to really dislike being around a lot of people, moreso than ever.  They're suffocating me, & aggravating me...& boring me.  They're boring the hell out of me.  I wish they would all go away.  Or at least stop talking.  Sometimes I'm lonley...but I'd rather be by myself than with any...of...them. 


10/12/2010 2:46:56 PM
There's a lot of talk from Dominants about the lack of true, quality submissives.  They say that the available submissives out there are interested only in play & do not understand their duties to service.  They say that subs lack proper etiquette & respect.  While those things are certainly true about some submissives, they just as easily apply to some Dominants.  Of course. 

I'm really starting to wonder about Dominants, though, especially regarding the issue of service.  It seems to me that a lot of Dominants out there (both male & female) are looking at the submissive population as their personal unpaid slave labor force.  They expect & demand services from subs that, in any other capacity, they'd have to PAY to acquire.  I mean, expectations of "service" are going above & beyond having a sub wash dishes or rub feet or keep a wine glass full.  I see Dominants who seek webmasters, video editors, graphic designers, full-time chauffeurs, housekeepers, nannies, lawyers, etc., but they feel that they do not owe the sub play or anything else because that is service, due to the Dom, from the sub.  This notion definitely makes me pause...

Service is certainly a large component of the D/s dynamic, but...service should be a sign of submission to make the Dom more comfortable or satisfied, it shouldn't be about taking advantage of the sub or of his or her particular (professional) skill sets.  Time is money.  And submissives aren't slaves.  (And slaves aren't slaves to the ENTIRE world.)  In any other circumstance, a person would have to PAY a nanny to spend time putting up with, & taking care of, your Little Precious.  A person would have to PAY someone to be at your beck & call, day & night, to drive you anywhere, putting wear & tear on his or her own vehicle, & gas into its tank.  A person would have to PAY to have someone design & maintain a website for you.  Those things are above & beyond "keep My shoes polished," "fold My laundry," "cook Me a nice dinner."  If you didn't tout the "Dominant" title, you would have to PAY for services rendered you & you wouldn't expect them for FREE.  Of course, payment of any kind, for any service, isn't  always (or even mostly) in the form of currency, so it's not necessarily about any exchange of money, but it would be really lovely if Doms were more appreciative of the benefits they reap from the D/s arrangement.  It can be a pretty sweet deal for a Dom. 

I'm certainly NOT, however, a believer in the whole notion that submission is somehow a "gift."  That's pretty self righteous & borderline ridiculous to me.  Just because Person A gives Person B a gift, that doesn't mean that Person B is obligated to like/want/enjoy/accept/acknowledge/praise/reciprocate or anything else regarding the gift.  That is the nature of a gift.  Indeed, we often exchange gifts for things we find more appealing.  More importantly, however, D/s is an interchange;  it's a two-way street.  You can't dominate, if there's no one to submit; likewise, you can't be submissive if there's no one to dominate.  No, you, as the Dom, certainly don't owe the submissive anything, but why should the submissive owe you anything either, just because that person wears the "sub" hat?  It's all about reciprocity. 

Undoubtedly, there are submissive lawyers out there who want to provide legal services to Dominants pro bono,  & if that's the arrangement that works best for two people, that's what they need to do, but until a Dominant & a submissive build that sort of trust & rapport with one another, it just feels unfair for some of these Doms to view the WHOLE submissive population in terms of free goods that they can milk.

10/10/2010 10:00:43 AM
10am on 10/10/10 

What am I doing with myself?

10/9/2010 6:21:41 PM
Nearly a year later, I'm writing a similar journal entry (though significantly less personal), as certain themes seem rather...thematic.  Shocking how that works...

In any case, there's always so much talk about the "fakes" & about being "real."  What a load of nonsense.  Not only are the ones who claim such acute levels of "realness" always the most "fake" (along the same lines as those who claim to be "drama-free" are always high maintenance drama queens), but it's such a silly thing to say, anyway.  When was the last time someone stated that he or she specifically wanted someone "fake"?  Or made a self-proclamation about being "fake"?  Anyway, I don't need to be told if you're smart or funny or "down to earth," I'll discover those things just fine for myself.  Likewise, I don't need to be told that someone is "real" or "fake," I can determine that, too. 

More to the point, however, is that it's not about "fake" people versus "real" people.  Bots aside, everyone is "real."  What isn't always real are the expectations or the levels to which those expectations can ascend.  Just because you wanted/hoped for a certain response (or a response, at all) from a person, that doesn't mean that he or she owes it to you, in order to somehow prove anything.  Someone can be "real" AND not give you what you desire.  In reality, it seems that people don't want to acknowledge that they were USED, that they were blind enough or lonely enough to allow themselves to be USED.  It's not that the offending parties were "fake," it's that they USED you for their own purposes.  When they finished using you, when they were done getting what they wanted, they were on their merry way.  Their use of you is very "real," which is confirmed by your very "real" hurt feelings. 

In your own way, though, you were using the other parties to fulfill your needs, too.  Just because your use of them didn't end up being the same use that they intended for you, does that mean that you're not "real"?  You were using them, too; you just hoped the mutual use would work out differently for you.  No matter how "real" you consider yourself, it's such a useless label.  The "I'm real!!! You be too!!!" banner doesn't particularly mean anything.  We're all "real"; we just have different wants, needs, & abilities to communicate openly & honestly

You want a "real" real time Master, but you spend months falling for someone online & then he disappears & you want to proclaim that he wasn't "real"?  He was real, alright, & he really used you to wank off online.  Admit that you let yourself be used.  You want a "real" slave for hard use & gangbangs, but she backed out & now you want to announce that she wasn't "real"?  She was real, alright, a really bored housewife who used you for her dirty fantasy but then decided that it was better left a fantasy.  Admit that you let yourself be used. 

It's easier to blame someone for being "fake" than to admit to being used.  No one wants to feel that sting.  You made yourself vulnerable to someone, got your hopes up (to whatever level), & that person didn't ACTUALLY care about you or didn't follow through the way that you wanted.  Accept that risk.  It's the risk of interacting with people.  And it sucks.  Goodness, it really can suck, but it has nothing to do with being "real."

10/8/2010 9:08:10 PM
"No" is not a safeword, but it is a complete sentence.

10/6/2010 6:38:23 PM
Every time my body does something correctly, does something right, does it in the healthy way that it's supposed to do it, I OBSESS over it.  I obsess over it until the next time that my body does something healthy again.  And then I obsess over that.

10/5/2010 6:32:27 PM
My friend is threatening suicide.  It's killing me, too, to know her anguish...

It feels even worse knowing that I have nothing to offer her...

10/4/2010 6:42:13 PM
It seems to be a rather popular trend now to be offensive...and then to label me "prejudice" because I'm offended.  No, you can't call me a "nigger" or a "mulatto" & expect me to be okay with it (unless you have that sort of rapport with me).  No, you can't tell me ignorant & wholly unfounded misconceptions about the plight of a minority dooming society & expect me to be okay with it (unless you have that sort of rapport with me).  And, really, don't tell me that it's because you're so "above" catering to "PC bullshit" or that I'm just "prejudice."  It's not that I'm just "prejudice"; it's that you have OFFENDED me, & if you have the right to be offensive, then I have the right to be offended. 

Furthermore, it's not about "PC bullshit"; it's about people.  More importantly, it's about ME.  I'm not okay with it, so don't do it to ME.  It may be funny & cool to be this way with your buddies, but that is because you actually have the RAPPORT with your buddies.  I'm not your buddy.  Nor will I be at this rate. 

10/2/2010 10:58:40 AM
To be so thoroughly repulsed to have someone in your life...how unfortunate.  You may or may not be able to eliminate the offensive party's access to you, but the disgust lingers; it permeates. 

I should have just let you fester.  And rot.  In your own vile cesspool.  But that's not my nature to do.  And you used to make me laugh.

9/26/2010 11:38:00 AM
There's not a great deal distinguishing my "vanilla" life from my "fetish" life.  I'm in this 24/7.  This is my life.  We live in packs & herds.  Another Dominant & his submissive are moving into my current household as I write this (& as I hide away in my room).  Working as a fetish performer makes sense for me because people constantly photograph, film, what-have-you my public scenes, since my scenes always prove rather intense (I can't even imagine how fucked-up-crazy-looking my scene at Dr. Susy Blocks' was last night--holy fuck, I wasn't expecting that), so I might as well profit from my own scenes.  Anyway, I'm working with, & for, my friends who own the companies that shoot me--I get to hang around people I like & they treat me well.  It's fortunate for me that I don't have to separate my kink from my "real" life. 

However, my "scene" life & my "lifestyle" lives have merged too much, too.  It feels like my public life sometimes eclipses, swallows, drowns my lifestyle, in general.  I'm a public commodity for consumption.  When I'm out at an event, too many people know me.  Sometimes they seemingly know me, but I don't know them, yet I still feel that I have to be somehow accommodating to them...to their presence, to their conversation.  Even when they're going on & on (& on & on), talking about some performance of mine in the past, wanting to see me do some performance in the future (wanting to see more of me in this, that, or the other way...gross), all I can be is gracious & cordial.  Sometimes I DO know them & sometimes that's even worse--they're WAY too comfortable with me; they push the boundaries of appropriate & put me in awkward positions.  If we were all on our best behaviors, those sorts of awkward situations would be far less common.  But there's no protocol, anymore.  There are blurred boundaries.  It's all one never-ending social hour. 

It's difficult because most of the people who are in the public scene also live a private D/s lifestyle, so I'm around a lot of the same people, publicly & privately.  Considering how much D/s ultimately does for my spirit & psyche, this is not something that I can escape, even if I retired from fetish performance to became a nice quiet librarian, but I need an overhaul on my lifestyle side.  I can't deal with 24/7 "social hour."  As someone who is naturally antisocial, it's rather excruciating. 

I need to find that balance between my public & private D/s lives.  Sometimes the public D/s arena provides an avenue for meeting new people & finding new opportunities.  That can be dynamite.  But I ALSO need the quiet, one-on-one, completely intimate, sexually charged D/s behind closed doors...something that is about you & me, not about an audience, not about camera angles...

9/16/2010 12:27:56 PM
My emotions...are puddles.  Tiny shallow puddles.  All of them.  They don't run particularly deep anymore.  They're not fountains; they're not wells.  I have puddle emotions.  In one sense, it's good because things such as anger don't run very deeply & evaporate quickly.  However, that backfires when someone does something rather egregious to me & I immediately forget that, too, so I never cut anyone from my life long term.  Usually not even short term.  Additionally, it applies to any of my given emotions, positive or negative.  Occasionally, I try to dig a deeper emotional well, I try to grow a strong attachment, but like digging a hole on the shoreline of a beach, things around me, people, circumstances, life, immediately fill it back up again, back up to my shallow little puddle. 

I recently ended a relationship with a partner & I had all but forgotten him almost immediately.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I don't hate him, pine after him, miss him, want him, love him, care about him, think of him, want revenge against him, want to vent about him...anything.  Nothing.  After such a fucked up relationship & such a tumultuous breakup, it seems there might be some reaction on my part.  Nothing.  Really, out of sight, out of mind.  Despite how obstreperous & fresh all of that was, he only ever even pops into my head when someone else brings him up...which people do, since it didn't even occur to me to let anyone know about the breakup.  Over it.  Instantaneously.  Shallow puddle...evaporated.  The end. 

My attachments to things, people, emotions...it's not heartbreaking.  It's not anything.  It's a quiet void.  It's numbing & forgettable.  It's but a puddle...



9/4/2010 8:42:58 PM
I was young. I remember being at a Christmas party. These were artist friends of my dad's. The Burchards. Their younger son was my age. Sitting crosslegged on the floor, I overheard someone comment to my mother about how straight and upright I sat. In typical fashion, my mother made a snide and cutting retort in response. My ten year-old heart broke. I broke. I've struggled to be upright ever since.

8/28/2010 6:55:19 PM
Suddenly, you find yourself internally becoming monogamous.  Or something.  Is that practical to yourself?  To your Self?  And you swim in a sea of doubt and hesitation.  It doesn't make sense to do, particularly given the circumstances, but it's happening, anyway.  Your other lover is merely an obstacle.  He's merely this voice...that keeps talking...that never shuts up...that pushes you back into the recesses of your mind...and to the ONE.  Not because he's changed, but because you have.  And you know that you have the freedom to do as you please, but you're also bound by the thoughts of how that would make him feel...your unchecked liberty...and you keep it in check.  To a degree.  And you know that he loves you, but you can't gauge how much & you don't know that you should risk it.  As quoted by one infamous sea witch, "Life's full of tough choices, isn't it"?  But then you get quiet, & you realize that it's not about mono or poly.  It's not that you're risking mono; it's that you're risking, at all, & being mono is a side note, a circumstantial detail.  But you want him.  You want to be with him.  You want him happy.  You want to make him happy.  And he makes you happy.  Or to the degree that two people of this particular ilk can be.  And your heart races.  And your head pounds.  And you stay awake with tension headaches.  And you drink martinis at lunch.  And you countdown the days.  And you never never put him on speed dial.  

7/21/2010 12:36:08 PM
Back to square one.  Except so much more complicated.  It turns out putting someone on speed dial really, most truly, is a curse--the kiss of death.  Kinda?  Every time I FINALLY put someone on speed dial...it never fails...ha. 

It's not quite square one, though.  I'm at square "complicated." 

The concept of "home" is so fundamental, essential.  And it's something that has been so elusive to me.  I remember being 3 years-old, at my dad's work while he was on the night shift, getting tired & restless, wanting to go home...and the next thing I remembered, I was in my own bed at home.  I've spent the rest of my life chasing after "home," wanting to go there & stay there.  I'm still wanting to go "home." 

My apartment used to be a place of security for me, but it hasn't been that in a long time, yet I still have a difficult time with letting it go.  Despite not living there, the idea of officially moving out is exceedingly difficult for me.  Even when owned & collared, & living with my Sir full-time, I kept my apartment.  It's my very expensive, terribly impractical security blanket. 

7/16/2010 9:42:57 PM
It's odd.  It seems that in this lifestyle, more than any other, it's difficult to tell the "good guys" from the "bad guys."  Actually, that's a bit inaccurate, as the blatantly "bad guys" are...well...blatant.  More to the point, there are seemingly "bad guys" who have stark "good guy" contrasts or qualities (or maybe it's that the "good guys" have stark "bad guy" features).  With most people, with most cases, unlikable people are generally unlikable, but with this community, sometimes even the unlikable people are somehow favorable.  The people who behave in the most deplorable ways (with a whole community backing them because they're popular Doms with years & years of high standing) sometimes turn around & prove the most loyal of friends.  Or something.  Everyone here has split personalities, even those of us who live this lifestyle 24/7 & have little worries or concerns about being exposed to the vanilla world.  I think it's mostly because everyone here is fairly nuts (perhaps particularly those of us who live it 24/7).  I mean, grade A nuts.  Certifiable.  Bipolar or schizophrenic or something.  Some of these people are just awful & I wonder how a whole flurry of others could so readily rally to their defense, but then I end up seeing the OTHER side of these people, the good side of BDSM that is always being preached.  There's the public side & the private side.  The borderline abuse & the uplifting.  The neglect & the nurturing.  Because these things & experiences are so intense, people's dualities pull you both ways.  It's easy to get lost on one side or the other of them; it's difficult to understand how the two sides could be in such opposition to one another.  Public BDSM community politics & consensual sadistic nastiness aside, how do basic principles not keep the two ends in check?  Simply put, a "bad guy" might do X,Y, & Z, but his "good guy" qualities (even if he is a raging sadist) would keep those behaviors somewhat in check because X,Y, & Z are wrong.  On principle.  But it doesn't work that way.  It's a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde complex at work. 

Complex & interesting.  People are.


7/7/2010 10:15:11 AM
Ah, yes, you CAN do that, without any fear that you'll get into "trouble" with me, but understand that there will still be consequences.  Those actions still have repercussions that you'll have to face.  If you were prepared to accept the consequences of your actions, this would all be a moot point.  However, you want to have your cake & eat it, too.  Actually, more accurately, you want to have & eat your own cake AND you want to have & eat mine, too.  Very greedy of you...

Know that if you continue to do the things that you do, you'll lose me emotionally...altogether...forever...You've already lost a lot of me emotionally, which needed to be REBUILT, not continually chipped away.  BUT, if your priority is definitely always just to do the things that you do, & is NOT about making an emotional connection with me, then rock on.  You're doing a stellar job.  You do what you do & I do what I do, & I keep my emotional distance from you.  Becoming emotionally involved/vulnerable in a situation like that just isn't good sense, after all.  HOWEVER, you want it both ways, but I'm sorry, my dear, I won't give it to you.  You don't get both cakes while I end up with none.  We can share both cakes, we can each keep our respective cakes, but you're NOT going to take mine.

7/5/2010 10:28:09 AM
It would appear that my relationships are becoming less & less mature & stable the older I get.  It's abundantly ridiculous.  I enjoyed greater freedom of communication in my relationship a decade ago.  With a 19 year-old boy.  The men I date now average two decades older than me, but end up having the communication skills & emotional stability of children.  Perhaps, despite their want to come off as nonchalant & "down to earth," they actually take themselves far too seriously & have uber-tender egos.  Perhaps they simply carry too much baggage from previous relationships.  Perhaps they're still single in middle-age BECAUSE they possess poor communication & emotional coping skills. 

Grudges?  Really?  Against a lover?  For merely sharing an emotion?  For which you weren't even to "blame"?  Really?  What's with the bitterness?  Move on.  It really wasn't that deep.  It was bratwurst.  Literally. 

You can't give me justifications for MY emotions.  They're mine.  I OWN them.  Because they're MINE.  No matter what you take from me or what I give to you, my emotions will always be mine.  Forever & ever.  Amen.  None of your justifications will ever change the emotion I ALREADY felt.  And that's a-okay.  You don't have to "justify" things to me.  All you have to do is ACKNOWLEDGE that I felt something about something.  You don't have to apologize; you don't have to "fix" it.  And you certainly don't have to become immediately defensive & hold bitter grudges.  If you insist on getting upset, anyway, for reasons unfathomable to me (especially since I am the one who "suffered" the initial emotion), do it & get over it.  Move on.  Let's move forward.  Let's not have tantrums, hmmm?  You had your timeout, let's do something else now, shall we?  Furthermore, if you didn't want me to share, don't tell me that you do.  That's emotional entrapment.  Shame on you.

7/3/2010 2:43:03 PM
There's a strange, somewhat disturbing, too common trend: Dominants who complain about  bearing the "burden" of slaves & submissives falling in love with them...but yet lording it over the subs.  It's as though Dominants are more in love with idea of someone being completely in love with them than they are in the people who love them.  Sure, they care about their subs, but then they gripe about having to "put up" with the natural affections of a sub & they use it as ammunition against him/her.  Ah, yes, what a trial & tribulation to have to settle for someone giving of him or herself to you unconditionally!  So silly.  It could be a lot worse--it could just be some vanilla person who loves you, but WON'T just do as told. 

Even more interesting, though, is when these Dominant figures run into types like myself, who are not particularly naturally outwardly affectionate.  And who probably don't love you like that.  Yes, I care for you & yes, I will serve you, but you likely won't have to deal with my overwhelming feelings of love.  And those same types of Doms who complained about having  a sub in love with them suddenly can't handle having a sub who is NOT in love with them. 

Feelings are what they are & they can't be helped or changed.  They can be repressed (sometimes successfully & sometimes less so), but they can't necessarily be commanded & it's not particularly healthy to do so.  We just have to accept feelings as they come.  Love included.  Regardless, though feelings can't be tamed, behavior can & must be. 

Ultimately, the problem isn't with a Dominant or a submissive falling in love with the other.  The problem is when the feelings negate the D/s dynamic & corrupt motivations, intentions & follow-through.  Don't complain about the love.  Complain about the poor behavior, the taking things for granted, the whatever, but don't complain about the love.  People like me watch you do that & when you come seeking our love & affection, when you want us to wear your collar, we'll guarantee you won't be "burdened" by our love...

7/2/2010 1:25:24 AM
I wonder if I'll ever feel the feelings of being "in love" again.  My guilt-burdened Catholic high school taught all of us lovely girls that "Love is an ATTITUDE, not an emotion."  Because the feelings of love may wane, one must keep an attitude of love, rather than depend on always feeling love to stay with one's partner.  I suppose to some degree that was a pretty decent lesson (though it was meant as a lesson to never leave your husband--under any circumstance). 

Raw.  Young.  Love.

The older I grow, the less interested I am in things like being "in love" or getting married.  I have yet to see a marriage that enticed me to want a piece o' that.  There's just a total disconnect there for me.  Don't wanna.  I don't particularly feel the need to be "in love," either.  Yes, I want to have love in my life & want it to fill my life, but I can find love & have it in many different sources, without being "in love."  Friends, companions, lovers...I have them; I love them & they love me.  It's obviously not the same as being "in love," though.  And I feel pretty okay with that.  I suppose there will be times that I sway on that, though.  Maybe not.

I do miss my collar, though.  Despite it being my choice, losing a collar is still quite an adjustment.  However, I wasn't "in love" with my Master, either, but that wasn't necessary for me to serve.  Likewise, love wasn't a requirement for us to work really well as lovers.  Clearly we share a bond & a trust, and even a love, with or without the 24/7 slave collar, but I wasn't in love with him.  Nor would I ever be.  He was falling in love with me, though...

People seem more & more desperate to find "The One" & to be "in love," though, but I am becoming less & less interested in that.  I just want comfort & consistency...which may or may not have anything to do with being "in love."  Some call that "settling," but I don't particularly feel the need to stay with any one person long term, if I'm not enjoying him/her.  The people I have with me...I'm happy to have them.  I care for them & am lucky to have their care.  I suppose that if I ever do feel the feelings of being in love again, it will likely feel different from the raw love of youth.  If it happens, it happens.  If not, I will always have my sweet love of youth.  And that's okay...

6/29/2010 10:30:33 PM
I am coming into my sexual prime.  Or rather I've cum into my sexual prime.  Ha, I made a funny.  It's odd.  On one hand, I'm watching myself age, watching myself get older, watching myself not be the youngest in the group anymore, and it puts me in a weird headspace.  On the other hand, I've come into my sexual prime.  And it's awesome. 

It feels as though a woman has three main stages of her sexuality. 
There's the initial phase: she gets her first period, denoting her status as a "woman," no longer just a "girl."  From that point on, she's growing into her womanhood, as it were.  She's learning herself, her body, her sexuality, her appetites, her needs, her wants, her desires, her capabilities...herself.  It can be awkward.  It can be a  bit traumatizing at times.  But it can also be supremely fun & is obviously necessary.  The first phase is most important for coming into the second, even better stage.  Thankfully, I've come to that point. 

I've always been an extremely sexual person.  I remember my mother telling me at a very young age that I was "hypersexualized," & her comment, accompanied by a grimace, was long before I actually even had any intention of engaging in sexual acts (with others).  Though I didn't know what she meant then, as I grew older, I definitely understood what she saw.  And it feels freakin' good, at this point.

I'm comfortable with myself, my body, & my sexuality in a way that I couldn't necessarily be a decade ago.  As was pointed out to me a few years ago, I am on the "dark side of 25"--my 20s are quickly escaping me & I'm staring down the barrel of 30 (the so-called peak of female sexuality).  It's scary; it's horrifying.  Thirty 30 THIRTY.  Except...I now possess a new domination of my own sexual self.  With age comes certain of life's gifts.  Yes, the sex feels better & more intense, & my body is physically ready for it ALL the time, but there is a distinct new energy to it, too.  And it's not about my partners.  I mean, essentially, the new "zippy" feeling in my head & in my naughty bits isn't about that ooey-gooey feeling for a particular partner.  It's actually really about my own BODY...which is undeniably erotic to my mind.  My body is different...changed, as though it's "hypersexualized...squared...times infinity."  Both of my sexual partners this year have made comment about being able to feel my body clamp down on them, followed by an absolute downpour of my fluids...when I'm not even cumming.  I've had a play partner mention me squirting...when, again, I hadn't even cum.  Therefore, when I do orgasm, it's nothing short of an explosion.  My body changed.  And with it, so did my mind. 

Hopefully, I stay in this stage forever because I quite like it.  However, should I grow old enough, I will most likely face other physical changes that may not bring me as much joy & pleasure as has my current changes.  Eventually, I face menopause, a huge change, physically, mentally, & emotionally, for any woman.  Some women suffer greatly from it & so do their libidos.  Other women don't.  Neither do their libidos.  The physical repercussions of menopause & overall aging (either positive or negative), will undoubtedly ignite mental & emotional changes that will again reflect on my sexual self.  Regardless, should I grow old enough, there will come a time when I have sex for the final time.  The grand finale.  Perhaps it will be because I have lost interest or because it has become physically hazardous to me.  Perhaps I'll still want it, but can't find someone to want it with me.  Of course, should that be the case, I'll just have to come full circle & jack off as much as I did when I was young.  Ashes to ashes...

6/2/2010 4:58:55 PM
So, I've been considering it lately...

Could I date vanilla? 

I don't know.  I mean, in part, it's a big fat "NO," but then again, I don't want to be closed-minded to the so-called vanillas, right?  Ha.  How silly.  In any case, it's so much easier dealing with someone who understands my lifestyle & community, who's a part of it, who can join me, & explore it with me.  There's never the "coming out" talk.  There's never the justifications while staring at a stupefied/blank/horrified/perplexed face.  There's never the need. 

Especially as a woman...dealing in a double standard sort of world...where it's perfectly encouraged for men to be expressive in their "perversions," but women are just considered slutty, fucked up & un-marriageable.   (I don't even want to ever get married, but I'm still always judge on my "marriage material," unless I'm only viewed for my fuckability.  Gross.  On both accounts.)  Regardless, I don't want to go there.  I don't want to explain myself.

Perhaps more importantly, this is my lifestyle & culture.  This is ME.  How comfortable would I be trying to live the cute vanilla lifestyle & culture?  Or compromising?  I would be miserable.  Not an option.  It's difficult enough to find someone WITHIN my community/culture for a connection, but given the extra barrier...oy. 

To date vanilla or to not date vanilla...that is the question.

6/1/2010 4:25:49 AM
How unbecoming to feel so exploited & used.  It's rather repulsive, really.  And you probably think that I'm just not being "open" with you about my feelings right now, but not only do you not deserve it, there's no point in wasting my breath...especially to someone who has been so wickedly judgmental of me & my (necessary) choices...and who has been blatantly dishonest with me to boot.  But apparently in the last 12 hours or so, you've now decided to become an "honest man."  Oh, the irony!  It's overwhelming.  I am literally stunned by the sheer hypocrisy & self-righteous contradictions.  You are by far the worst to come so far.  You're in a class all your own. 

So...CONGRATULATIONS.  For so many things.  On so many levels.  Just...congratulations.  For everything.

4/24/2010 11:22:34 PM
It's odd.  It feels like an eternity, but...it's not.  And I feel like I should feel guilty, but...I don't.  Actually, I just feel tired. 

2/11/2010 12:00:17 AM
I have now outlived a lot of my heroes...

Time keeps passing...& people keep passing away, & one day I will too, but I remember when I was younger...as I watched these people die...& they seemed so much older to me then.  Of course. 

Now, I'm older than they were.  I'm older than they'll ever be, & they're preserved in a state of morbid preternatural youth, while I continue to age, & as time continues to pass for me.  For now.

2/4/2010 10:39:37 PM
Fascinating...

I'm not sure why you continue to talk to me when you don't like me.  I don't talk to you, but you contact me to tell me how upsetting & evil I am, how I'm heartless & wretched.  I don't answer or return your calls, so why make the effort, at all, just to tell me that I'm rude?  Oh.  Okay.  I'm rude.  And?  I haven't seen you in years & have no intention of grabbing lunch with you to "discuss" anything.  We have nothing to discuss since you don't like me, need I remind you?  So don't talk to me. 

Why do people so frequently do this?  I don't impose myself on anyone's life, so why do people try to impose me there when they claim to NOT want my presence?  If someone doesn't desire me, I don't see the point in him or her continually contacting me to reiterate it.  It doesn't make any difference to me, after all. 

Ah, but you do like me.  You say that you don't care, but apparently you "can't help it."  I have undoubtedly "gotten under your skin," as it were, & you want me to pay attention & it kills you that I don't.  You hate to love me, love to hate me, whatever.  You want me to want you.  You crave what isn't available to you.  You prove incapable of mastering your emotions or temper.  You possess no self-control or poise.  You are clearly unbalanced & desperately consumed...

And you have nothing that I need, nothing that I want. 

I neither love nor hate you.  (I don't even so much as like or dislike you.) 

Therefore, I don't contact you. 

I'm a terrible, awful, demon wench.  So be it.  I suppose I'll simply have to live with that weighty knowledge.  I guess you'll have to live with it, too.  May I suggest that you stop torturing yourself with it, though?  I've given you peace & respite from me, allow yourself the same, fascinating though it may be to watch from my end...

1/30/2010 12:20:18 AM
I've learned to do things.  Quietly.  By myself.  I've learned to suffer my hurt & disappointment.  Quietly.  By myself.  I've learned to be quiet, by myself.

In my teens, I had someone tell me that an appealing trait of mine was my safety--he felt safe being with me because he knew that if he ever chose not to be, I would just fade quietly away.  I would never cause him grief or disturbance.  I would never plague him; I would just cease to exist for him.  He realized that about me & told me that he really liked that about me. 

It seems that's what a lot of people like about me.  They know that I'll melt myself into oblivion & that I'll just deal with my pain.  And I do.  I do it quietly & by myself.

I've learned to be "fine."  That's what I do.  I suppose that's oh-so-fortunate, as no one really ever asks how I fare, anyway.  Not really.  Same as it ever was, I suppose.  That's what proves so likable about me, after all.  I'm fine.

I'll "fine" my way through this, too.  Quietly & by myself.

1/27/2010 11:58:03 AM
Hearing the words "good girl" never gets old, never becomes mundane, never ceases to inflame me...

And when you hear it from the person you want to please...there's nothing better.

1/25/2010 10:08:42 PM
People really should not ask questions unless they are prepared to hear all the possible answers (or at least have considered multiple possible answers).  It's extremely hypocritical to demand honesty from someone, but then get bent out of shape when you get an answer you don't like.  Yes, you want honesty, but by "honesty," you really mean "I honestly want to hear the answer that I want to hear."  What you may want to hear may not have anything to do with the truth that I have to tell.  It's always lovely when what you want to hear is what I have to tell, but if you can't handle the truth, don't request it from me.  I can happily keep my opinions to myself, after all, but you asked.  Repeatedly.

I know better than to ask for answers I'm not prepared to hear.  Yet.  If & when my need to know something (whatever the possible outcome of the answer might be) outweighs my fear of the various possible answers, I'll ask.  If I can't handle the truth, there's no point in me upsetting myself & then blaming you for upsetting me.  That's not fair play.  So I don't do it.

Additionally, when I give my honest feedback, don't try to convince me that it should really be "other" than what it is.  I shouldn't have to justify or defend being honest, especially when everyone cries about all the dishonest people tainting the world.  I answered truthfully, so don't spend your energy trying to manipulate me or my answer into something else.  It is what it is.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen that serves up  hot steaming plates of honesty.  Really.

1/19/2010 1:52:54 PM
I'm feeling rather content in my quiet productivity today.  The rain, much like my own energy, is coming in powerful spurts.  Very nice.  But perhaps this is just further procrastination...

I promised him that I would write for him my story as a pony.  I owe it to him & to myself, but as much as I love to write & as much as I want to share with him...I'm feeling...out of sorts...

But...

My scene with him was like nothing I've experienced previously...the innate connection, the mutual pleasure, the unguarded intimacy...Whatever else happens, that was a precious moment for me.  He holds a delicate place in my heart.  Now comes the risk & the daring...

1/18/2010 7:12:38 PM
It's an odd thing when you just know that someone loves you, when he's never said those magic "little three words" & (thankfully) probably never will, but what you know is infinitely better than anything that could be said...

1/14/2010 3:23:37 PM
Oh, the tender male ego.  So fragile, so delicate.  I get it & I can be quite understanding of it (for the most part)...although, decidedly less so when it's not kept in check...

Oh, the rampant double standards...raging out of control.  And, you know, it's not the double standards that I find so unacceptable--it's the lack of communication regarding double standard expectations.  You do whatever it is that you do.  You do it in front of me.  You do it behind doors that I don't enter.  You do as you please.  Lovely.  I want you to do as you want & I want you to be happy.  Want the same for me in turn.  I'm not your girlfriend, wife, submissive or slave.  Be happy for me when I'm happy. 

And...
If you can't be happy for me, if you want to have your cake & eat it too, let me know.  Clarify the double standard.  Tell me that you wish to run wild & free, but hope to keep me as a caged bird, so that I may choose to accept it or to reject it.

AND...
If it's really because you want my full devotion, hope for my absolute submission, let me know that, too.  Of course, I think that there is a very clear realization that requesting my total devotion would mean reciprocity--I would demand full devotion in return, so I know that may not even be possible (oh no, responsibility & culpability to a submissive...yikes!).  I understand why that would be a scary, unattractive proposition to someone, which is fine & no cause for apology, as long as you don't demand my utter deference to you. 

But...

There are plenty of options, if you communicate effectively.  There's a bevvy of "right" solutions.  It's just a matter of honest communication BEFORE feelings get hurt & BEFORE egos get bruised.  I will be sensitive to the male ego, as long as the male ego is thoughtful of me.  I won't even hold your silly double standards against you, as long as you give me the opportunity to make that cognitive choice for myself.

12/31/2009 1:15:11 PM
It's difficult when one finds herself the submissive partner in a non-D/s relationship.  Some things never change...

12/19/2009 10:30:46 AM
Passive aggressive people are dangerous people...

Instead of communicating, they become angry & throw silent tantrums when others do not read their minds.   Because there is no communication, only their perspective is seen/acknowledged & no other opinion seems to count (especially since they assume that they already know anything that would need to be said by another, anyway). 

People wonder why I am such a tightly wound person--I have spent my ENTIRE life walking on eggshells around passive aggressive people.  When things are fine, they're fine (maybe), but things go sour quickly & without warning.  It's an unstable & scary situation.  I've learned to recognize the early stages of a silent tantrum--pay attention to my surroundings, locate my keys & ID, look for signs of potential violence...

I feel threatened.  I'm hyper aware & feel that I must prepare for an attack (in whatever form it may come).  Danger...

12/18/2009 5:57:25 PM
She said I was being affectionate. 

She was surprised. 

I AM affectionate in my own way, but no, it is not in the same way that most people expect to see (or can even recognize) "affection."  I don't hold out on the affection.  I'm not void of emotion or tenderness, but my affection output is apparently wired a bit differently than most others.  Or so it would seem.  However, although I will always express affection in the way that feels the best & most natural to me, I am also making a concerted effort to output it in a way that others can more easily recognize.  Grand & lavish gestures often feel misguided & forced to me (even when others make them to me), but I do feel fondness for others & I like being sweet & playful with them, enjoying their company, noting the subtle nuances in the exchange...

The quiet, nonverbal communication, the quiet, understated physical connections...quiet affection.  My affection.

12/10/2009 3:47:35 PM
Explain?  Well...
Everyone's happy with me, no one's happy with me.  Everyone wants me, no one wants me.  At the end of the day, I'm but an afterthought to everyone, anyway...

I feel so unplugged.

11/16/2009 6:15:45 PM
Yes, my body is exposed to you...but that's not where I keep my private parts...

11/10/2009 11:36:19 AM
Betrayal is a tough pill to swallow.  It's not about someone "wasting my time," as losing that time was the risk I took when I engaged my energy.  If I couldn't afford to risk that time, I should not have freely given it--that was a choice I made, knowing that things, circumstances & minds often change & that I shouldn't hold that against someone.  Generally, people unworthy of attention are quickly & painlessly eliminated, anyway, but sometimes, just sometimes...

You develop a connection with someone & that someone abuses your openness and/or trust.  It's not actually about wasted time; it's about feelings of deep disappointment & betrayal.  You've opened yourself to someone, as a top or as a bottom, made yourself vulnerable (to whatever degree), but the object of that openness took it for granted & otherwise discarded it.  In all probability, the betrayal isn't even personal--it's just someone enveloped in his or her own selfishness...more consumed with blatant selfishness than with you.  It happens; it's life, but it's a real bummer.

11/9/2009 6:25:34 PM
Shyness is not a valid excuse...

I'm shy & reserved.  I'm becoming more so as I get older.  I'm not socially or mentally stunted, nor am I incapable in some other capacity...I just prefer to be...quiet.  However, shyness is not a reason to hesitate; it is not a legitimate cause to fail following rules or orders.  It will not get me off the hook.  Nor should it.  My focus should neither be on remaining quiet nor on anything that might make me feel shy.  Pleasing is my priority.  If shyness constricts my ability to properly serve & please, then it must be set aside.  It's important to learn to leave everything else behind, let it go, focus on the task at hand...Ultimately, it feels best that way, anyhow--I'm most pleasing & most pleased myself when I keep the proper mindset, know my priorities. 

Playing in public has helped me learn to keep focus & to separate myself from my naturally shy nature.  It's a huge struggle for me to know that people can see me, can watch me, know what happens to me...but it's all a part of what I must accept.  Though I don't have a brazen & attention-seeking alter ego that comes out, I have the ability to tunnel my vision, so to speak...keep my hyper awareness of the presence of others at bay...worry about the needs & wants of the one giving orders.  After all, I am a reflection of the one on top...And shyness is not an excuse. 

However, playing in public does get easier & does help me mentally.  The fetish world is a safe place for me (perhaps ironically, but then again, perhaps not).  There seems to be a very stringent notion of beauty & pride in the vanilla world, but in the realm of BDSM, there is such a vast array of loveliness.  I see more natural grace & beauty than I ever see in the "normal" mainstream world.  I also see more real tits (surprisingly).  Yes, there is a great deal of body modification (both for fetish & for aesthetic purposes) & attention to fashion, but there is much much greater overall variety.  It seems all-encompassing, as opposed to being one-sided, one particular standard of beauty; different fetishes breed different ideals.  Being exposed to such varying bodies makes me feel good about my own body & about this subculture to which I belong.  It's not about looking "sexy" anymore.  It's about true comfort & confidence in one's own skin.  What could be more "sexy," anyway?  And although it doesn't negate my shyness, it does give me a cozy inner glow & comfort.   

11/4/2009 8:41:07 PM
Today I was asked, "Would you prefer to just do what you want?" 

And therein lies the innate struggle of the submissive...

By your nature, you want to please, to be pleasing.  No crop or cane ever inflicts as much pain as knowing that you've been a disappointment.  You want the happiness & reassuring approval of the One/s you serve.  Promptness & obedience become priorities.  Your greatest desires are inextricably linked to the wants & whims of another.  It brings you great comfort & serenity to serve...

But then there are times when you really want something.  Or really don't want something.  Times when you so badly want to do or have something...Times when you wish that the will of the Other was actually your will...You know it's wrong, but it creeps in from time to time.  Yes, more than anything you yearn to obey, but sometimes you simultaneously wish that the coming dictate will be the one that you want to hear. 

It's that willful inner child that you must learn to control & to channel.  You're a submissive because you're a submissive, not because you can pick & choose the things that you like & which strike your current fancy.  Sometimes the things that you want are denied to you as a lesson in patience & self-control, a lesson in merely learning to be accepting.  Fundamentally, these are valuable lessons in all of life.  All of my life...

The momentary wants that I think that I have are ultimately so very fleeting & ultimately not worth the sacrifice of the greater Will...and the lessons learned.  Submission is not something that is nitpicked.  It is a blissful struggle to perfection. 

Would I prefer to just do what I want?  No, I'd prefer to blissfully struggle.

10/25/2009 6:23:22 PM
Judgments & how they play into my lifestyle:

There seems to be this great divide: the "kinksters" & the "vanillas."  The vanillas don't "get it."  They can't think "outside the box."  They're "square."  And while those are all true to a very real extent, they can just as easily be applied to the kinksters.  I suppose when a cornerstone of an entire subculture is based on Dominants being dominate, there is bound to be a lot of people hell-bent on their own select ways & set of notions.  My closest friends are completely vanilla, as it were, yet I often find them less judgmental of me than those who claim an impressive BDSM resume.  No, my friends don't "get" my pain slut tendencies & have no interest in pursuing such activities themselves, but they trust that I'm an intelligent enough adult to make satisfying choices in my own adult life.  I'm not a curious teenager going through an experimental phase.  I'm not a naive doormat ready to be bred & sold by the first man who proclaims his "Master" status to me.  I recognize that there are highs & lows in any given lifestyle & my vanilla friends accept me as the deliberate, thoughtful person that I am.  They may inquire after me, but they do not make little off the cuff remarks or dole out judgmental advice for the choices I make. 

In contrast, a plethora of kinksters (both Dom & sub) have showered me with the so-called norm about the "way things work in the BDSM community."  Therein lies the problem...

First, for any givens, such as the necessity of encounters being consensual (even in "rape" scenarios) or doing things within the confines of the law...I know.  Anyone who actually needs to be TOLD the obvious things doesn't care.  Even if you told them, they already know & choose to ignore those obvious rules.  Preaching to the choir is so very unnecessary (& an insult to one's intelligence). 

Second, when someone asks me about my past relationships, I'm not sure why they feel the need to explain to me what is/was "wrong" in them.  You were neither in the relationship with me nor did you even witness the relationship.  I did not ask for your judgment.  There is a distinct & vital difference between a shared observation & a judgment (possibly under the guise of some vague "concern").  I don't need to justify the consenting acts in which I gladly engaged with my consensual partners.  Additionally, I learned the lessons that I needed to learn in each relationship.  I can't be told what I needed to learn (especially by people who only have very preliminary knowledge of me, anyway).  People take what they need from their own experiences & can't be forced to learn life lessons.  Sure, conversations consist of commenting, but don't tell me about how I was horribly abused or how it "should" have been.  It shouldn't have been anything other than what it was for me.  It's my life experience.  Thanks. 

Third, I understand that not everyone has a sadistic or a masochistic side to them; however, there are those of us who do.  It's (unsurprisingly) part of this lifestyle--not all encompassing & not something for everyone, but this is the realm to express it.  Yes, there is abuse in this lifestyle (just as there is abuse in ALL of life & in any lifestyle), but finding pleasure in giving/receiving pain does not automatically mean that you're being abusive/abused in a relationship, nor does it automatically mean that you were physically abused when you were younger.  Not only is that a very serious & dangerous thing to imply, but it negates an adult's ability to take ownership of his/her own sexuality.  Yes, we're all shaped by our experiences, which may or may not include past abuse for some, but that doesn't mean that as an adult one must always play the perpetual victim.  I like to be whipped because it's hot.

Fourth, just because a person is sexually submissive, or a lifestyle sub or slave, there is no reason to preclude that a person is somehow of lesser intelligence or pathetically naive.  Not all subs are lost children in need of someone to explain life to them (role play aside, of course).  True D/s is a partnership.  The rule of the Dom will always reign, but not because the sub isn't capable.  In exact contrast, true power exchange can't take place unless a sub has self power to exchange.

Lastly, the most obvious (yet somehow the least obvious), there are different styles, likes, needs, wants, ways, notions, priorities, standards, taboos, limits, etc & so on for everyone.  We're all learning & growing in ourselves & in our exchanges with others.  The same things may not be the best things for everyone.  There is no blanket right & wrong for everyone (who is a consenting adult).  My needs may not be your needs, but we can still be friends & we can still learn from one another without being judgmental.  When there's a "right" way to BDSM, we're not thinking "outside of the box" & we're being "square" within our own community, not "getting it."  How perverted...

10/23/2009 10:47:31 AM
I fear fire.  I don't fear death...unless it's death by fire.  Of course, surviving a terrible fire sounds even more excruciating than dying by it.  I was never a mini-pyro.  However, despite my very sound & very justifiable fear, I have now entered the world of fire play.  Strange, odd things happen mentally & emotionally when you're terrified of fire & someone sets you aflame...I braced myself.  I braced myself for horrible pain, for something to go wrong, for a nauseating smell, for me to pee myself...but none of that came.  It was a sound that came...the sound of the trail of fire blazing up the backs of my legs, my ass, my back.  The wet/dry feeling of the alcohol, followed by the sound, put me in a tense lull.  I was listening to the sound of my body being set on fire, as a consenting & willing participant.  Very conflicting, mentally & emotionally.

However, I worked to refocus myself to simply be & to experience the sensation.  The fire was brushing against me, like that of a beloved Death Valley breeze.  I find myself absolutely enchanted by wind, especially when it doesn't bite & chill me, when it engulfs me in a quiet warmth.  The feeling of the fire proved rather similar.  It moved across my skin gently & instead of causing me consternation, it elicited ease.  This is where sub space puts you.  This is where sub space put me.  Of course, the intense conflict of my mental terror with my emotional peace, or was it my emotional terror with my mental peace...?...it ran deeply.

It's all a balancing act.  Facing your fears, heeding your calling, confronting your judgments, fulfilling your needs...without damaging yourself, without utter chaos & self-destruction.  Without damaging others.  Being broken.  Without being broken.   

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