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Hetero Female Dominant, 53,  Louisville, Kentucky
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angeldmort

angeldmort - photo 2
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angeldmort - photo 9

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Friends:
subbyboykyMsStarlettDarkStevenLadyAndCuckPeonForHer
MsConstancealexbeth2DarkBastardpantherbladeBriaRose

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Dont write me unless youve read my full profile, and be prepared to show up or shut up.
No excuses. No second chances. No Drump supporters or apologists, past or present. No supremacists, no anti-vaxxers. No smokers.
1) Any message that does not refer to me as Domina will be deleted without a reply. It just tells me you didnt obey that first order up there.
2) Go read my journal. I dont want to hear from you until you have a clear understanding of what *I* want and ideas on how you can serve. I expect to see that reflected in your introductory email. I already know what *you* want. The details get discussed if you impress me.
3) Go read Slave Training w Miss Abernathy and The Bottoming Book and start getting yourself prepped for service.
4) Decide which local munch you can attend to meet me. If you are within driving distance, I will expect you to come for coffee or a munch within the first week or so.
5) Understand that if you dont do these things, and follow through, I wont waste an email reply on you. I dont do second chances.
6) I am in a long term committed, loving relationship with my male kink partner of 14 years.Be respectful of that.
7) I am seeking a bisexual sissy service sub, someone to help around the house, bring me tea, massage my back and shoulders,... maybe lead around on a chain, torture when I am feeling cruel, to be our playtoy.... someone to paint and dress in goth drag before I force them to go out dancing with me at my favorite dive bar.... If this is not what you are looking for, we can discuss other things, but understand that you are asking for what YOU want, not asking to fill what *I* want. You will be asking a favor from a very busy stranger. Plan accordingly.
RULE 1 - Dont Waste My Time!
I dont have much free time to start with, and I have many many many things I enjoy doing with it. If you want my time and attention, even just the time and effort it takes to write real responses to emails, make sure youve done your due diligence of reading the profile and journals to find out what I want, and if we are remotely compatible. Theres nothing worse than spending hours trying to find out who someone is, if we are compatible, try go set up a meeting and a week into discussions realize that they dont have the nads to actually show up, or that they dont actually know what they want or why, or that what they thought they wanted was some sad fantasy based on BSDM porn and that the reality was going to be REAL WORK, mental, psychological, emotional, and physical. They suck up valuable hours and energy, then vaporize when reality sets in. Any energy I put into those conversations is gone with no return.
Dont be that idiot.
I am not interested in online domination in general.

I am a computer tech who reads Peter McWilliams, Alan Moore, Richard Bach, Clive Barker, and many related authors. I wrote a book once. I make many kinds of art, I do lots of crafty stuff, I have a full time job plus a side business. I garden, rescue and foster cats, renovate my own home, built my own deck, hang my own drywall, bellydance, build my own bookcases, repair my own truck, and much more. My Insta is very active. My weekends are Friday and Saturday. If you are in driving distance, I will expect you to come for coffee or a munch within the first week or so. If not, you need to figure out how to plan to make it worth my time until you can.

Be intelligent and interesting if you want our interest. Be a feminist if you clam to be submissive. A sense of humor is a non-negotiable requirement. Those wishing to be considered for any open positions should NOT be allergic to pets (we foster for a local animal rescue,) have an understanding the intricacies of the splenius capitus, suboccipitals and their manipulation, like working with their hands, preferably like to garden, and be good at deep tissue massage. The ability to launder, iron, fold and organize yards and yards of fabric is a plus.

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 angeldmort

 Dominant Female

 Louisville 

 Kentucky

 5' 5"

 168 lbs

 53

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 04/19/09

 12/08/21

Actively Seeking:

Submissive Transgender

Submissive Female

Submissive Male

Switch Women

Switch Men

Sub/Sub Couples

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 SCA

 Dancing (Expert)

 Massage (Getting) (Expert)

 Sewing (Expert)

 Blogging

 Loves:

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales

 Renaissance Faires (Expert)

 Horseback Riding

 Anal Play

 Blindfolds

 Body Worship

 Breast Play

 Corsets

 Crossdressing

 Genital Punishment

 Local BDSM Community

 Hair Pulling

 Massage (Giving) (Expert)

 Stockings

 Horror Movies

 Science Fiction

 Alternative Medicine (Expert)

 Body Art

 Intellectual Discourse

 Psychology

 Writing

 New Age Music

 Taoism (Beginner)

 Swimming

 Likes:

 Art Galleries

 Beachcombing

 Movies

 Museums

 Tai-Chi (Beginner)

 Walking

 Yoga (Beginner)

 Bondage (Beginner)

 Domestic Service

 Hypnosis (Beginner)

 Masks (On Partner)

 Munches

 Orgasm Denial

 Plastic Wrap

 Public Play

 Queening

 Role Playing

 Rubber Fetish

 Sensory Deprivation

 Spanking

 Speech Restrictions

 Vibrators

 Chess

 Comedy Shows

 Historical Shows

 Web Surfing

 Beading

 Candle Making

 Drawing

 Gardening

 Painting

 Singing

 Nutrition

 Occultism

 Paranormal

 Philosophy

 Female Supremacy

 Goth Lifestyle

 Lifestyle BDSM

 Polyamory

 Alternative Music

 Blues

 Classical Music

 Folk Music

 Heavy Metal Music

 Industrial Music

 New Wave

 Buddhism

 Hinduism

 Neo-Paganism

 Wicca

 Tolerates:

 Knitting

 Curious About:

 Martial Arts

 Rollerblading

 Collars

 Electrical Play

 Fire Play

 Fisting

 Strap-Ons

 Soap Making

 Victorianism

 Dislikes:

 Tickling

 Simulation Games

 Hates:

 True Crime

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Journal Entries:
12/4/2021 6:22:38 PM

Dating economics. Or, how you get what you want.

When you consider your dating purchase power, remember that what you value is not always what someone else values, and that what they are looking for may not be what you think you need to advertise. 

In my personal case, I am VERY picky about what I want, how I want it, when, why, etc. 

My aesthetic appreciation is also rather specific. 

My current partner of 13 years offers a wide range of things I enjoy a lot. 

He gives amazing hugs and snuggles. (Never underestimate the value of being physically pleasant to touch.) He is tall, and a big guy, so I can feel small and feminine when I'm wrapped up and entangled with him. He's secure enough that I don't have to pretend to be less intelligent or capable than I am. He makes the effort for my pleasure, in bed and in daily life. He is extremely considerate and generous, and tries not to be a hassle, while going out of his way for others. He's smart, and thinks about things, and cares about more than just what's on tv, or what he wants, etc. He's honest, and loyal, and I can trust him with almost anything.

He's just a quality human being.

While there are things I might enjoy that he doesn't bring to the table, they are obviously not dealbreakers, and well offset by what he does, and apparently he feels the same about me. 

And that is what I am willing to have in my life. 

Now, I may not be your cup of tea. 

I may in fact be a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. 

I may be a lot of things, or not, but those looking to purchase my time and energy need to be able to offset any hassles that come with them by more than a narrow margin, because while I'm always up for a good bargain, I'm not hardcore shopping with a need to buy right this second.

This means it's a buyer's market when you approach me.

And probably when you approach any Dominant Woman.

I can take or leave whatever. So if you want to interest me in what you are/have/do, you need to have a good understanding of what I want, and have something to offer that makes you worth giving up the time I could be painting or gardening or crafting, etc to -

read your email, 

respond to your mail,

exchange more emails to get to know you, 

talk to my partner about you,

make room in my schedule to meet you, 

then make whatever arrangements and preparations are required to play.

On top of this, the average female experience with a new partner is seldom heavily weighted on the pleasure side, as the average new partner has little idea how to please her, even if they are decently experienced in general and know "how to please a woman" (as if that were a simple skillset that worked for all women.)  Often, an experience with a new male partner is considered good if it isn't actively painful or unpleasant.

So the average woman knows going into a new situation with a new male that she probably won't have NEARLY as much fun as the man, and so unless the plan is for multiple assignations, wherein he would then learn more about what she likes to be able to provide it, the motivation to try out a new guy is pretty limited. The expectations are low, and the alternatives may not be fabulous, but they are offset by the ease they bring to the table. 

So that is your competition, guys.

Not other guys.

But our own company.

Which means -  if you want to gain my time and energy, you have to impress on me that you have made the effort to learn as much about me as a person as possible, decide that you feel I AM your flavor of tea or bog water, and have thought of something you can do to make all that effort worth both my time and lack of immediate gratification. 

If being with you isn't significantly better than being alone, I can just be alone and avoid all the hassles that come with you.

Understand - this is not me bragging on being hard to get.

This is me explaining what is probably a deep truth for almost any guy trying to get any woman.

And absolutely any Dominant Woman.


12/4/2021 5:34:44 PM

Someone male on the other kink site was talking about dating as a market, and when the "dick is plentiful" comment came up as a point of why it doesn't "sell" he got a bit butthurt. 

When someone else tried to point out that dicks are generally attatched to men, and so the problem wasn't the dicks but the men they are attatched to, the quality of which vary a lot, he said "In general, a shirt is not necessarily better than another shirt"Which granted, is absolutely in my wheelhouse to respond to with an informed opinion, so this was my comment. 

 "Actually, as someone with an education in fashion merchandising/design, and as a costumer, I can say that is not at all accurate. Quality is an easily defined set of properties, such as the tye of materials used, workmanship, colorfastness of dye, functionality of design, etc and varies HUGELY from one shirt to the next. Which is why a shirt from the dollar store may be good enough for a few months, but may soon start to pull apart at the seams, or fade, or wear through, or shrink and become misshapen, etc. whereas a shirt that looks similar from a better manufacturer may last for years and still look fine. I have several shirts my Dad wore for years before he died, which I have now worn as an overshirt for gardening, etc for the two decades since.  I have also bought similar looking shirts new at Walmart and they fell apart within a couple years. 

 Quality matters. Being an educated consumer matters. Learning to recognize quality, and what to look for before you purchase is the difference between having to replace said shirts frequently, vs keeping something you like for as long as you want it, and possibly even passing it on if you no longer need it. 

 The same can be said for partners.  So it's important to understand what quality is in people, as well as shirts, and learn how to spot it and the lack of it, and learn to take your time shopping to avoid buyer's remorse. Or even debt and bad contracts... 

 "Maybe there are fuckbois who one can easily replace if that's what your view of men on average is."

Exactly. There are fuckbois, and posers, and trash toys, and upstanding quality men. There are men who do the work to become better, to do the right thing, to play fair and self-manage, etc, and men that just wanna get dat dick wet. There are pretty people, plain people,  low quality people, high quality people, people who are pretty and cheap, people who are less pretty but quality, and vice versa.  You either learn to appreciate quality over superficial properties, or you bounce from crap to crap to crap, always wondering why nothing is ever as good as it looks and everything starts SO nice but never lasts. 

 As to what market? Dating is advertizing, more than anything. 

You have what you have, and they have what they have, and you have to figure out what you want, and how to trade what you have for what you want. Fortunately, you can add to what you have in lots of ways, if what you want is out of reach at a given time. Learn new skills - dancing cooking, massage, etc. Dress better, spiff your appearance. Read books on relationships. Hit the gym. But you have to find out what THEY want, figure out if you can provide it (or are willing to lie about it, as many do) and then learn to explain how what you have will provide what they want. 

 As someone once said - you don't sell shovels, you sell holes.

 "A customer’s ultimate goal is not a product but a change and improvement to their life. " 

 A man should not try to sell his dick to a woman. 

Dicks are EVERYWHERE. 

There are literally stores full of dicks that don't even require another person.

 No matter how amazing a guy's dick is, I can go buy one better, and not have to bother with having a guy and what he wants attatched. 

 So, what a man needs to sell is *orgasms*. 

And if he wants to be more than just a one-off, he needs to sell the aweome fun before and after the sex. 

A submissive man needs to sell how he will make a Domme's life easier and more comfortable. A Dominant man needs to sell how safe and valued his sub will feel. 

 Sell the value point - how having whatever you are selling will improve the potential buyer's experience. Will is lessen the workload? Provide pleasure?    Increase security? Create comfort? Ease pain? Improve something they already enjoy?  

 THOSE are what need to be in someone's profile and first emails if they want to find their "market share" and get what they want here.


11/24/2021 10:08:12 PM

Never a good look on a guy.

Don't make us ask like it's a favor you are doing us.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/


11/20/2021 5:22:52 PM

Why sub men need to be feminist allies

I firmly believe that any submissive man must, obviously, be a feminist.

Feminism by definition is the belief that women are human beings with the same rights as any human being. (The idea that feminism is about female supremacy is propaganda created by misogynists to try to argue against women having any rights at all.)

That said, submissives routinely insist that women are superior, and FemDom porn is some of the most popular BDSM porn out there. I would hope that to believe that women are superior would require that men first believe that they are equal.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from subs is that there just aren't enough Dominant women in the world to go around.

There's a very good reason for that.

In the book I'm currently writing, I discuss how girls are raised radically different than boys. From our earliest experience, any hint of assertiveness is usually squashed as "bossy" or "aggressive" or "unfeminine" and then later as "bitchy." The terms a "good girl" is defined by are usually submissive, demure words, urging us to be quiet, polite, deferring to the pleasure of adults in general and males specifically. Blanche Black paints a very good picture of this in her Feminism 101 article, and the MetaFilter discussion "Where's My Cut" is literally thousands of women giving examples of how they were crammed into the role of caregiver with strong social, economic and even physical consequences for ing or questioning it.

We are programmed from birth to be doormats, and are told we are genetically predisposed to be happy about it.

To go from that upbringing to being an assertive adult is a massive undertaking. I know a majority of the women in my life never even realize that they are following roles and rules they never agreed to. It usually takes a huge life event to force that awareness on us, and then years of hard work re-creating our understanding of communication and relationships to learn to stop playing that part and instead to stand up and assert ourselves. To stop allowing others to demand and take and expect, etc, and instead start working toward taking care of ourselves first, demanding equal effort from our partners, being willing to be alone rather than be subjugated.

To move into the confidence and self-reliance necessary to dominate ... that's a new world.

I'm not talking about becoming a bitch who uses and abuses and negates the feelings and needs of others to get her way.

I'm talking about being able to walk away from what doesn't serve us and require a higher level of interaction from anyone who wants to stay in our presence.

I'm talking about being unwilling to tolerate poor behavior, from others, or from ourselves.

That requires a sea change. A total re-writing of the base code that made us from our first memories. It almost never happens by accident. It almost never comes without great pain and sacrifice. It's almost always worth it. But it's always an uphill battle that never ends, because nearly the entire world we live in is still trying to tell us that we aren't being feminine, or desirable, or kind, if we aren't giving away whatever it whims to want. We are still being told that we'll be alone, that we are bitches or worse, sometimes it brings violence and poverty and suffering, because this world doesn't want women to be assertive, and it doesn't tolerate them being dominant.

If you want to have dominant women, you have to start with allowing them equality. Not special privilege. Just the same privilege men have to think what they want, without being told they are failing as females. The same privilege to act for themselves and not just for others. The same choices and freedoms and safetys to exist without being attacked for it.

If you want to have dominant women in the world, you have to be a feminist, and moreover, you have to be an ally. Aggressively so, because until feminist men outnumber and overwhelm the rest, you are going to have to counteract the bullshit message the rest are constantly putting out there telling us to SUBMIT! You, submissive male, must be the active agent that makes the safe space for every woman to express her thoughts and feelings and wants and to act on them without recrimination. You will have to stand up to other men, because they don't hear it when we say it. You will have to call out your friends when they catcall or mansplain or talk over a woman or _(insert male domineering behavior here____) to a woman.

I'm not saying that every woman you do this for will become a Dominant Woman.

I am saying that almost no women can without it, and if nothing else, you can make the first steps in that direction less of a battle for them.

Go forth, and create the world that lets us first become people, equal and unencumbered, and Dominant Women will become ever more common, until almost every submissive male that wants one can find one.


11/20/2021 5:17:30 PM

Things I need - i.e.- things you can offer

It comes up a lot that subs write me with their list of wants. Usually, they don't bother to ask what I want.

Occasionally, there will be a subbie that realizes that in a sea of "gimmie gimmie" they may actually have to offer to GIVE something in return.

The brightest of them (very rare) offer before they ask to receive. They look for a way to make themselves useful, to offset the cost of the time they want me to give them.

Because let's face it - if I'm spending X hours talking to them, getting to know them, negotiating their interests and limits, prepping for activities, tying/spanking/torturing/disciplining/yada yada,.... that's X hours out of my own life that I'm not getting stuff done around here. While it can be fun to do the doing part, it hardly ever actually happens, so all the time I invest in it was wasted unless they are reciprocating something.

In the spirit of making it easy for the hopeful sub with a clue, here's a few things I need done or help doing that would ingratiate them to me.

I need basic general housekeeping for my crazy chaotic house- dishes washed, litterboxes scooped, laundry put away, kitchen cleaned and organized... Yes, all of this could be done nude or in a maid's costume if that tickles you.

I always need deep tissue therapeutic massage. Non-sexy kind. Neck, shoulders, hips, feet... I do a lot of stuff, and I wear myself out a lot. It hurts.

I need someone who is good working on a roof - I need help getting the roof itself painted with a white radiant barrier. (No, that CAN'T be done nude or in a maid's costume. Nothing outside can. We don't involve the neighbors or advertise our kink. You can cross-dress for it, but it has to be appropriate to the task and setting.)

I need assistance getting cinderblock pillars built on the edge of my yard, covered in molded cement stones, and the faux wrought iron fence sections installed between them.

I need garden and landscape help.

I need help figuring out how to lower the temperature upstairs in my sister's part of the house in summer.

I could use some help working on my truck. Occasionally I reach the limits of my abilities with it, and finding a decent mechanic is rare.

I need to organize my garage and my basement.

I need to dig out my basement and move the dirt to a specific

I need to finish the drywall in the upstairs bedroom.

I plan to renovate my bathroom. Anyone with plumbing experience or skills laying marble tile would be welcome.

I always have a project or ten in the works on top of everything else. Feel free to ask about them. Even if you just ask, it shows me that you at least read, and that you are considering the balance of effort. That sets you ahead of 90% of the messages I get.

And yes, if you are too far away to come do any of these things in person, but want to have something to offer, I do have an Amazon Wishlist, which I can share with you by request.


11/20/2021 5:15:34 PM

Why we aren't drowning in playmates.

Playmate/ submissive playtoy - someone we like enough to interact with, who either comes to provide service, or kink, or some combination of both.

I was asked how often I get this.

Someone else asked "where are the success stories?" Why I have so many stories about the failures.

If we have a fun playmate, that's private, unless they are comfortable having their kinky fun splayed all over the net.

I post about the failures, usually in my group, to help future readers figure out what NOT to do. What my limits are and why, and ideally how to avoid fucking up with Dommes in their own searches.

Now, the first question - how often? Seldom.

And here's why -

We have spent a lot of time working on ourselves on many levels for many years, to become better, mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthier human beings in general, which unfortunately has the problematic side effect of causing one to have a lower tolerance for people who haven't done that work. And as was said in Star Trek Next Generation - "the higher, the fewer."

The more you level yourself up, the higher the standards you try to live by, the better the human being you try to be, the fewer people you will be able to be around. The fewer people will be tolerable. The fewer people will be able to understand you when you talk about anything more than the weather.

The more you work on yourself, the more alone you will be.

Then again, the more you work on yourself, the more you will like your own company, and the more you will prefer being alone to being with the wrong people.

People who aren't automatically honest, who don't work toward direct, open communication as the default, people who don't make every effort to say only what they mean, and stick to what they do say, people who don't self-analyze and self-correct and so on. People who can't or won't set healthy boundaries. And so on.

All of these things create practical problems, (lying, STDs, flaking, anger issues, failure to respect limits or requirements, etc) as well as emotional stress. All of these things impact consent, safety, and trust.

All of these things are solely under the control of the individual, and while we can set the boundary that we won't engage in interactions with them unless they commit to them, the average person isn't actually interested in or concerned with being a better person beyond lip service, or even to getting their kink on enough to make the work worth it for them, even if it would make their entire lives better in the long run.

It's almost impossible to have real conversation with people like that, too. We just don't seem to speak the same language anymore, and we get people telling us how we are "taking (ourselves) too seriously" or accusing us of being stuck up and putting on airs. The reality is that we just don't want to deal with the problems that dysfunctional people bring with them anymore. And if we never find another really awesome people to play with because of that, we still come out ahead, because we won't have trash people fucking up our lives.

Not to put too fine a point on it.


11/20/2021 5:14:12 PM

From my group  -re-sharing here - Why language matters. Or, Darmok and Jalad.

Jan 30, 2019

I had a reminder this week, (not that this week is that unusual, but some cases are more extreme than others) at how important it is to have a common language in any interaction we have with others. Most of our lives, the average American at least walks around hearing English, speaking English, reading English, and assuming they understand what other people are saying. And vice versa - they assume they are understood. And yet, so much of our attempts to communicate end in misfires.

 Often, it's because we don't really care enough about the interaction, and we glide along on autopilot, comfortable in the status quo quality of our interactions. We are usually getting enough of what we need out of it that we often don't even question it.

Often, if there's a problem, we make a scene to make it clear that no, that's NOT what we meant, or that isn't what was said to us, etc but unless we feel slighted, or it leads to the loss of something we DO value - a comment made here that loses us a promotion, or a question not answered loses someone's interest, or a tone of voice makes us concerned for a possible loss of status- unless it's serious, it's just anger and fuss and it's over. THEN, it may become a real issue, worth some thought, but by then, it's really too late. The miscommunication has happened, the thought process it started it under way, and a feeling has been had, etc.

 Stick with me here.

 At it's most basic level, language is how we express a thought.

It's pretty common to believe that most of the time, other people from a similar area have similar thoughts to our own about a general variety of things. We expect that they want the same basic things, because we are all human, and most of the people we deal with were raised similarly, and had similar experiences.

And that they will use the same words as we do to describe them.

That's where the screeching halt comes in.

 "Most adult native test-takers range from 20,000–35,000 words."

That's a decent vocabulary.

It should mean that most of us that speak English will have plenty of words in common to have a discussion and be understood with enough clarity to make it through most common joint activities.

 That said, most people don't tend to think too deeply about words themselves. Which means when you start to want more than just "enough to get by" conversation, things can get a bit complicated. And in cases where you need to negotiate something VERY specific, in depth, such as the fine details of kink or what our limits are... suddenly, your vocabulary will not only need to grow, but become very precise.

 I'm not seeing that as often as I would expect from the letters I receive. In fact, the majority of people that write me seem frustrated by the need for words at all, and irritated by the requirement that we spend some time talking about anything that isn't a deion of a sex act. Which baffles me... if you are wanting someone to tie you up, do ... THINGS ... to you, while you are helpless, etc, wouldn't you REALLY REALLY want to make sure that the things they want to DO are the same things you want DONE? Wouldn't you be DEEPLY interested in making sure they are the kind of person that honors your Safe Word, or who shares your definition of "honest," or who won't just walk off with your wallet and DVD player while you are tied down, or who won't turn out to be straight up batshit nuts?

 I've had another rash of "own me" messages. Interspersed of course with the regular "total sub" offers.

 The topic at hand isn't the "I'm a TOTAL sub!" who responds to "ok, go read this for me and tell me what you think" with "What? That's not what I want! I'm a SEXUAL submissive!"

Or even the "i want to be ur slave" that can't obey enough to respond to an email on time.

 This topic is about the problem that causes that problem in the first place.

 I received one this week from a very pretty dick pic with an empty profile that did read enough to call me Domina, but obviously nothing else, so I sent a link to the "First Impressions" thread, and followed with "Consider Your Target Audience." You can guess how it went. Before he got to "Bye, Bitchhhhhh!" he told me he wanted me to "own" him. And he referred to himself as "very kinky like to be watched ! Masterbaiting live turns me on"

(Yes, that's how he spelled it.)

Meh. No great loss.

 Later, sissy under consideration asked if I was at all interested by Dick Pic Guy. Aside from the obvious stunted mentality of thinking his naked dick somehow mattered, he was a good tool to explain the problem of common language/vocabulary.

 While being turned on by being watched is very common, and whatever floats your boat, etc that he described himself as very kinky based on that was a VERY clear indicator that we weren't even speaking the same language in regards to kink. Much like the majority of the people that write me, he had an interest in something, and had set out to pursue that, and as it wasn't mainstream, they thought it must mean they were REALLY out there crazy kinky. (Hell, ex-husband number two thought anal was the height of twisted and kinky.) Now, obviously, there was no actual interest in submission, or desire to actually be owned, so there was no point in even considering trying to have a conversation.

 However, if there actually HAD been interest, if he had just been a newbie and without clue, there would have been this huge gap of vocabulary to fill in before we could have ever tried to talk about anything more than "go for coffee, get spanked." Before we could get to "what turns you on" there would have had to be the initial "what do you know so far, what have you read, what have you tried" just to see what he MEANT by "kinky" or "spanking" or even "turned on." Did "turned on" specifically mean sexually aroused and only that? Does "masterbaiting" (sorry, but OMG LOLOL) just mean "wrap your hand around your dick and rub up and down with or without lube" because it could mean SO FUCKING MUCH MORE to someone else, and in my mind, doesn't always necessarily include anything physical. Ownership? If we haven't even discussed what the word "submissive" means in depth, how can we possibly try to define "Owned" yet? Are we talking an actual legal arrangement with signed contracts and documentation as regards to property, or do you just like the way the word sounds?

 Because that matters to me. All of the delicate nuances of meaning hold POWER. Consent is POWER. I absofuckinglutely want to feel like I OWN you, down to your last molecule, if I am going to have that, and we have to figure out exactly how many molecules you have to give for that to happen.

 "You just offered an unknown amount of you don't know what to a total stranger."

 If you are handing out candy from a bag in your hand, "take it all" is easy. And taking that whole bag may be easy. Hell, I like candy. Maybe I'll want your candy.

However -

If you actually have a whole trunkful of candy, and you say "take it all" without sharing that "all" may be a couple hundred pounds of confection, that is going to make a difference.

Do I like that candy enough to want a whole trunkful? Will it get stale long before I can eat it all? Are you going to throw a tantrum if I share that candy with a park full of kids, or is it truly mine, to do with as I please? Are you going to pout if I toss i


2/27/2018 11:02:36 PM
First impressions matter.

Contrary to popular belief, your picture is NOT more important than your first message.
First messages create your first impression, so they need to be the text equivalent of showing up in a nice suit or gown, well groomed, smelling of a warm, inviting, possibly exotic scent.
It needs to paint you as steady, with a strong, balanced gait.
You are introducing yourself. They don't know anything about you other than what you write in that message and what's in your profile. No matter what you've been before to other people, now you can be the person you have always wanted to be (as long as you can actually BE that.)
It is your chance to present yourself to a total stranger however you'd like to be seen. 

Remember that most strangers don't want to meet people who stumble around, clawing for whatever is in front of them, yammering gibberish or unable to have a normal conversation.

Almost no one is attracted to the crazy homeless person who shambles up to them with their hands out, reeking of piss.
We may feel compassion for them, we may give them what we have in our pockets, we may even want to offer help if they are able to accept it, but most of the time, the average person isn't really equipped to heal them and magically mold them into some perfect partner, and those that try without some hardcore education and training often find themselves not only failing them, but getting badly damaged in the process.

We've all seen people on here that are the dating equivalent of that.
Most of us steer clear.
Those that don't are usually predators, seeking to victimize someone who is obviously not able to handle themselves, much less anyone else.
Also not a good look.

I've often compared contacting a Dom or Domme the first time like submitting an application for a job. You have to figure out what kind of job you want, who has a position open, find out what they want in a candidate, then try to frame yourself to look like that applicant in order to get an interview.
Every job hunting advisor will tell you NEVER go to an interview dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.
Bad spelling and poor writing in a text based conversation is like showing up in dirty sweat pants and a raggedy shirt smelling like stale sweat and sporting a week's unshaved stubble.
You may have an ok picture, but the picture you paint when you write me a message like that is shabby.

Add asking for attention without bothering to read their profile first, you become the raggedy panhandler begging for change.

When you pair that with professions of undying adoration of someone you've never met, you take it to the next level - you are the potentially crazy person talking to invisible people, because you aren't actually talking to the Domme, you are talking to the fantasy person you want to pretend they are. They have become your imaginary Dominant, with no relation to the actual person you've emailed.

When you write, take the time to run a spell check. Then a grammar check. Make sure you have whole sentences. Make sure you have followed any rules they put in their profile to weed out pud pullers and fakes. Mention something in their profile to let them know you've actually read it, and you think they, specifically, are awesome, and not just because they are a Dominant. Take the time to find out what they want before you write, and mention your skills if you can do any of it, in that first email. Don't write your life story, but if you have five years of experience as a live in servant, or went to classes to learn proper tea service, or have been watching Youtube to learn to give pedicures and want to try it in real life, that's worth mentioning in your introduction.

"Hello Domina! I'm Submissive Person X, and I was reading your profile and saw where you like X thing, and it caught my attention. I've been working on providing X (or learning X, or provided X for my last Dominant) and would love a chance to come show you and your partner my skills. I really liked where you said Y thing, and it makes me think you are Z kind of person, which I really think would be a good fit for me. I think  we could all be very compatible because ZY reasons. I hope to hear back from you. Thank you for reading. Submissive Person X."

It doesn't have to be a book. It just has to be a real message, written to that specific Domme or Dom, about things they would be interested in, that doesn't look like a 3rd grader wrote it with their alphabet soup.

Even if you don't get the relationship you want out of it, you won't look like a rude idiot, and maybe you'll end up with a referral to someone else who has a position open. Maybe you'll end up as a munch buddy or get introduced to someone else or just become part of a community that leads you to your Dominant.

Be the kind of person that you'd want to know. I know it's hard sometimes, but dating is next level adulting, and adults write real letters.

12/7/2017 8:47:31 AM

I like to read. I love to find things that explain why things are the way they are, or that suggest ways things could be in some way better. I like to share the things I read that sum up my perspectives on things so that people can find out my views on things before they waste their time writing and get disappointed. I like to share the things I think will help people with a specific problem.

People don't often read what I share with them, so when they continue to have the problem, I admit, I give them the stink-eye in my mind.

Here are some things that I have read, and which I share often. I think they explain some of the problems women encounter in a patriarchal world, and sometimes how we handle it. I think reading these would benefit any male sub that wants to approach a cisgender Domme (read, one who grew up dealing with these specific problems her whole life) without looking like the "typical wanna-be Do-Me sub."

From a blog by a Domme who discusses the problem clearly -
http://blancheblack.blogspot.com/2007/05/feminism-1…

An article explaining the "mansplaining" problem by the person that coined the term-
https://www.guernicamag.com/rebecca-solnit-men-expl…

An incredibly long discussion about the problem of men wanting women's attention, without giving anything back, and the male expectation that women will want to provide emotional work out of the goodness of their hearts because they tell themselves that we are "wired that way" or that it's "in our nature."
https://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-…

Sending me an email that starts out "I read that article you linked to, and I thought it was interesting because (insert your thoughts on it here) and I think it has changed my perspective in (insert how it made you think differently here) way" might be better than the usual "Hello mistress" or "I would do anything so serve you goddess" mails I usually get.


11/14/2017 9:41:27 PM

First rule - figure yourself out BEFORE you start negotiations

"I want to learn by trying things, not reading."
That was said to me by one of my co-workers the first year I started looking into this lifestyle. He was in an unhappy marriage, etc, felt "paying for it" was offensive even though he literally couldn't offer anything else because of his situation, felt he couldn't go to munches or any other event, and absolutely knew what he wanted, how he wanted it, etc., almost all of it expensive and requiring a lot of work from a Domme. The one effort he could have made was to educate himself by reading, and he didn't want to do that. The most he would do was watch FemDom porn, and that's what he expected BDSM to be - him as the star victim in a BDSM porno.

"Shit happens and most people at least give you 2 or 3 strikes or let you try to make up for it. But honestly? I don't think you was ever or will ever really meet no matter how many months you talk to a sub. I think we are both fucked up. But I'm trying to make up for it. "
This written to me by an applicant who had stood me up TWICE, two weekends in a row, was caught lying about why, etc, and felt I was obligated to give him a third chance.

"I went in Adam and Eve I had the baby doll I asked woman if she take my picture and she did I explain that I'm submissive and a friend of hers lives close by if I can stay there she could dominate me. She dominated me in the changing room and it was fun going home to shower and bed"
Texted to me by a sub applicant that had come to meet me, had to run to a previous commitment for a friend, and was supposed to come back after to continue negotiations for long term service and play.

"I just have alot happening right now I'm trying to make you happy and get my stuff done also"
That was written by this last self-labeled "slave" applicant in response to my pointing out that after several days of steady conversation and my one request that he contact me daily while under consideration, he had suddenly been almost silent the day before, and completely silent all that day too. Sending a single message via yahoo was too much for him, and although he did send exactly that - a single message - the next day, he didn't respond to any others after and hasn't since. No arguments, the last thing before the silence was us discussing finding activities that would interest him while respecting the boundaries of my partner, and he was smiling when we parted company. Not a single word to say why he'd vanished, after protestations of how he didn't get how other people could do that to someone.

Dominant Women wade through this sea of bullshit constantly. We invest hours, days, weeks and once, even months, trying to get to know a sub, find compatibility, work out common interests, make plans, change plans, and so on, only to have an applicant have no understanding of BDSM beyond that they want to get pegged and spanked with an aversion to learning about anything else, or be self-sabotaging, or have no understanding of what the word "submission" means, or be completely unable to meet even the simplest of requests.
We occasionally rant a little to our fellow Dommes, who get it because they are all in the same boat, maybe online, and then we move on to the next.

I will never say I have it all together. I try not to judge people who have issues if they are honestly working on their issues. And I won't say that anyone has to be a BDSM expert before they start a conversation. But just as in any vanilla relationship, there is some obligation to have some idea of who you are, what time you have to put into any interaction you undertake, how far you are open to going with it, etc.

Being honest from the start about that with anyone with whom you start a conversation is mandatory, even more so in BDSM, because you can't mess around with trust when someone has you tied and potentially gagged. Full disclosure includes more than just the results of your latest STD screening - it has to mean that you sat down, asked yourself some big questions, and made yourself be honest with the answers.
It should mean that you spent a little time either reading books, or Fet posts about your interest so you know what is involved, or went to a munch and asked questions and learned some proper etiquette for approaching people, preferably both, or at the very freakin least watched some information YouTube videos about the BDSM lifestyle.

There's a lot of information out there. Plenty of it is free. There are more people than you could count who will discuss and share what they've learned just for the asking, as long as your first question isn't a variation of "how do I get you to spank me?"

Treat us like human beings, and we will treat you like one. Unless you don't want that, but the first step is always to be honest, respectful, considerate and polite... walking up to a stranger and announcing that you want to be their slave when you don't like being told what to do or being corrected when needed? Not ok. Not honest, with yourself or them, not respectful of their time, not considerate of the fact that they are a person who might be looking for a slave but will be disappointed when you figure out your facts, and not polite in the least.

Basically, don't be intellectually lazy, and don't be a dick because you were lazy.


11/14/2017 9:19:52 PM
Considering your target audience.

Women are not men.
I know it seems obvious, yet the majority of men still pursue women without really considering what that means.
They write profiles based on what THEY would like, what men value, what men think is impressive, and what they wish they saw on women's profiles.
They take and post pictures the same way - based on what they value, what they think is impressive, what they wish women put in their pictures.
They send emails, again, that same way.
Women are not men.

Dating, at it's bottom line, is marketing.
You have something. You want something. You want to exchange what you have for what you want.
In a store, you exchange money for goods and services.
In dating, you are mostly hoping to sell.
You are hoping to purchase the attention of a partner, in the long or short term, in exchange for your attention, your time, your services.
You are selling you, in exchange for them.
That's actually a very basic equation.

You can't sell to someone unless you know what they want, and find a way to market what you have to that want.
This is where most men fail - at the basic premise.
They know what THEY want.
They don't spend a lot of time researching what their target market wants to buy.
So they market based on what they know, and what they think they know.

They know themselves.
They know men, in general, and they know what commercials and movies and tv and all media everywhere has told them is attractive to women.
They, being men and raised in a male dominated world, never seem to realize that all of those things are ALSO targeted to men, to get men to buy things, usually by appealing to make egos.
They show women draping themselves over men who drink this beer, or drive that car, or wear that brand of clothing.
They show this so that men will want to buy those things.
Most of the time, women couldn't give less of a fuck about those things. But men are surrounded by all of this input, so they think we do.

I'm not going to try to define what all women want on here.
Right now, I'm just going to clarify that what WE want is usually not the same as what men want.
You need to find out what those things are and tailor your pictures and profile to market to that.
Basic things like "don't use a picture of your penis as your profile pic" have been said a million times but it's always the first thing we see everywhere we look.
Yes, I like to see a pretty penis. No, I don't see a pretty penis in a picture and become suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to have it right this second.
I can't say that I've ever gone looking through the internet just to look at pictures of penises. And when I get one shown to me when I haven't asked to see it, I'm not horrified, but I right there decide that the guy showing it is a pushy, insecure jackass. I lose all interest in interacting with him.
It's not that the penis itself is a problem, but that it tells me something about who he is when he has to insist on showing it around - that he's not interested in pleasing ME.
He's interested in his own pleasure.
And I can do better than that.
And honestly, a picture of your chastity device is pretty much the same as a dick pic.

You don't want your profile to be a long list if things you want, either.
Yes, you want things.
You will need to communicate those things.
And the world you were probably raised in told you that women do things for men, even Dominant women.
All that BDSM porn shows lots of women in black leather and rubber getting a LOT of enjoyment doing those things to men.
Again, that is written specifically to be bought by men, so they show men what they want to see.
Yes, I like doing those things to a man.
I like doing them to my partner.
I sometimes want to do them to someone other than my partner.
But I almost never want to do them to some total stranger just because I like doing them.
Your accountant may like his job, but he doesn't go out on the street offering free tax jobs to strangers, ya know?

Your profile on a dating page is your resume.
Your sales pitch.
Your introduction to make us think you have something worth our giving up a few minutes of our time to read further or possibly even have a conversation with you to get more details.
This site is a kink/fetish site.
Your target audience is a Dominant Woman.
Most Dominant women I talk to are drowning in emails and offers from men who call themselves submissive.
Most of them are requests for US to do what THEY want.
Which is the first mistake.
It's usually their last.

Your sales pitch should NEVER NEVER EVER be "I'll let you spank me!"
One, why do I WANT to spank you in the first place?
Two, why you and not someone who is offering something I want?
I'd rather talk to the subbie over here that is offering to give me a full body massage, no strings attached.
Or the one who likes to do yard work and will free me from mowing all summer.
Or maybe the one who can help me with my pet projects.
Who knows... but that's where I'll be starting.

Your pitch needs to start with what you OFFER.
It needs to show how knowing you will improve her life.
How having you around will improve her day.
What skills you have that will give her pleasure outside of the bedroom.
Because in the bedroom... yeah... every guy wants to provide that.
Your focus is on showing how you are the best candidate for the more important job - pleasing her in all the ways that other guys fail to.

Your picture should be one of you looking your best, doing whatever it is you are best at in that area - you kneeling with a tea tray, or you serving her a lovely meal, or you giving a foot rub, or you giving a non-sexual massage, etc.
You get the idea.

You are competing with literally THOUSANDS of other people for a position that will most likely be part of her every day life.
You are asking to be in a relationship that requires extreme trust, hardcore sense, heavy dependability, and which sometimes can mean putting your safety and even your life in her hands.
You have to be someone AMAZING if you want to stand out from the crowd.

Honestly, given some of the profiles I've seen and the messages I've received, that won't even be that hard, if you just DO THE HOMEWORK FIRST.

This may mean going in to the Groups and reading a lot of threads where Dominant women talk about what they want and what annoys them most.
It may mean hearing things that aren't fun, recognizing where you have made mistakes, and fixing them.
It may mean re-thinking what being submissive means.
It may mean reconsidering what you want.
It absolutely will mean finding out what WE want.
Because let's face it - the one thing Dominant Women all have in common is that we absolutely know that we should settle for nothing less.

11/8/2017 1:07:11 PM
Not the actual conversation, but snippets of it condensed to reduce the repetition. This is how to lose the interest of a Domme who is willing to return your emails. Don’t be this guy. ‘Mistress I’ve never met, you are so beautiful and I would love to come serve you by do X thing I like to do. I’m going crazy thinking about you doing X and Y and Z that I love doing. I think we’d have a blast doing all of these things I want to do because you are so beautiful.’ ‘Random Sub #XXX, your profile is empty except a couple fetishes. Please fill it out. And you haven’t read my profile or journals to find out what I want. Do that and answer these questions please.’ ‘Mistress I’ve only exchanged one email with, I think we should meet in person and you would so love me I want to dress up for you and shouldn’t be allowed to do things and I am thinking about you all the time.’ ‘Random Sub #XXX, you didn’t do anything I asked, you are ignoring my questions, and you don’t actually know anything about me, so I’m not sure how you think I’m going to love you, or what you think I’m like, but you’re coming across as kinda in a fantasy world. Back up a bit and try having a sane conversation, and we can discuss stuff with the possibility of moving forward, and do the things I asked.’ ‘Mistress I’ve been fantasizing about for a few days, I have been thinking about you.’ ‘Random Sub #XXX, I don’t think we are compatible. You don’t sound very grounded or realistic.’ ‘Mistress I am fixated on while ignoring everything she says, I will do whatever you tell me. You are a beautiful woman. Except I’m still not doing it and am instead fantasizing again. It seems like you are pushing me away and making it hard for me. I think you would love doing these things I want you to do.’ ‘Random Sub #XXX, I said we aren’t compatible, I said that you aren’t answering questions, I said that you are too fixated on your fantasy, and if me expecting you to stop being an entitled, self-serving male is “making it hard for you” then you don’t understand what a Dominant Woman is. I will not pander to your expectations and won’t waste more time on this.” ‘Mistress I’m not getting what I want from – geeeezzz. good day’

9/9/2017 4:22:10 PM
Heading to the Louisville Munch skill shop. Any interested parties may come talk to me at the Play Party afterward.

9/7/2017 8:57:56 PM
https://mg.co.za/article/2017-09-05-great-kinky-sex-is-just-three-magic-words-away-conversation-consideration-consent

I know it's a hassle. I know it's not always exciting. I know you just wanna hop right in and "get Dominated."
But first, we REALLY need to discuss and agree to what "getting Dominated" means.
Ok?


8/29/2017 11:01:00 PM
Impress me. Donate to help the animals who are suffering and lost because of the hurricane.

http://www.humanesociety.org/news/resources/facts/harvey_help.html?credit=web_hpfs2_082817



8/28/2017 11:04:11 PM
Taking applications to help me paint my bedroom and build some kink furniture.
Skill is welcome, but less important than temperament.
Must be cat friendly, older pet compassionate and able to get here as scheduled.

7/18/2017 6:33:53 PM
Maybe it isn’t clear from my journals what I value. Maybe it isn’t obvious what we care about and how we feel about the current political situation. It’s not about politics for us. When we ask who you voted for as part of our decision about whether to consider you/meet you/play with you, it’s not about butthurt or resentment. It’s about basic incompatibility as human beings. It’s about this one decision telling us more about who you are, what you believe, and what your values are in one short question mark than anything else we could ask. So far, from some of the arguments and the verbal abuse I’ve gotten when I say simply that “we aren’t compatible,” I think I’ve been right so far.  
This quote puts it best. 

“I am not mad at you that Clinton lost.
I am not concerned that we have different politics.
And I don’t think less of you because you vote one way and I vote another.

No… I think less of you because you watched an adult mock a disabled person in front of a crowd and still supported him.
I think less of you because you saw a man spouting clear racism and backed him.
I think less of you because you listened to him advocate for war crimes, and still thought he should run this country.
I think less of you because you watched him equate a woman’s worth to her appearance and got on board.

It isn’t your politics that I find repulsive.
It is your personally willingness to support racism, sexism and cruelty.
You sided with a bully when it mattered and that is something I will never forget.

So, no… you and I won’t be “coming together” to move forward or whatever.

Trump disgusts me, but it is the fact that he DOESN’T disgust you that will stick with me long after this.”

Add to this quote that he bragged about sexual assault, that he has a long history of refusing to pay people who do work for him, that he asked a foreign government to spy on another candidate, that he lies over and over about the most ridiculous things, that he asked his supporters to attack other citizens at his rallies, that he based his entire campaign on hate and fear…
If you voted for him, for ANY reason, we are not compatible. This is not negotiable. If you message me to bitch about it, or about anything else here, I will block you and not waste a moment's concern about either.

7/6/2017 5:00:08 PM
https://www.kinkly.com/3-ways-sexism-influences-femdom-relationships/2/14619 Nailed it.

6/12/2017 10:30:29 AM
So who wants the opportunity to come impress me by assisting me in the garden? There are trash trees to dig up, weeds to pull, plants that need in the ground, cinderblocks walls to be built, flowerbeds to be mulched, etc. I do these things on my own, but company is always nice, and it's a good time to talk and get to know someone, and see how they perform in service.

No, this is not a high heels and makeup kind of situation. It's a real life, casual, "this is the real you" kind of situation. Less sexy, but more like a possible "temp to hire" situation.

4/3/2017 8:37:24 PM

Sometimes ya just gotta laugh.
Ahh well. At least I'll be pretty when DB gets here in a few.

About 6 this afternoon...
"I moved to Louisville 2 weeks ago and don't know anyone. I am not an avid Fetlife person hence my.bare profile. I am in need of a Mistress. One I trust and love. I don't know if that is you or if we'd connect but I'd love to talk more. I am an obedient and useful sub. I'll do as you ask and always try and please you, to make you happy."

(insert replies asking her/him to read my journals to see if they think we are compatible)

"I understand being stood up by newbies and sudden requesters such as myself would be frustrating. I do not want to waste your time or mine. I am a newbie. I finally got a small taste of what I've wanted for so long just before I moved here. Found a Domme I clicked with and trusted just before I moved. Go figure. I am looking for a Mistress such as yourself. As you already know, I can't guarantee we click. However, if we do, I will be obedient, honest, and faithful to your request. I will not disappear regardless of what we decide."

(insert emails and such discussing the necessity of honesty, interests and schedules and arranging a Skype verification, and me installing Skype on my laptop and changing clothes, etc)

11:08 pm
"Also, I am married. It's very vanilla and she isn't interested in anything else AT ALL. She has no clue about me. If this is an issue I completely understand. Important that's tell you now."


3/26/2017 10:20:21 PM

Yeah, guys…I always say I'm gonna put up the ridiculous emails I get. Here's one.This is what I'm talking about when I talk about weird, unrealistic emails that have nothing to do with contacting me, and are just some guy verbally masturbating to the screen. Point and laugh with me.

Him - Hello beautiful Superior Lady GODDESS could i have permission to ask YOU a question please?👑🌹😈

Me - Only if you go fully read my profile and journals first. You've already stepped in it a bit with that opening.

Him - My new SUPERIOR MISTRESS said to ask YOU with YOUR Superior wisdom advice.GODDESS to show my willingly agree to accept my place NOW.i should get properly down on my knees to get her BIG SUPERIOR pleasure cock HARD throbbing for her pleasure pussy right NOW i'm instructed to ask YOU please Superior Lady GODDESS??

What happened to "Hello, Domina! I read your profile and liked X thing you mentioned, and Y thing, and I was curious about Z thing you were looking for. I have this much experience in Z thing and would love to discuss coming to meet you to discuss how I might provide that.
Or just "Hi! I love X thing too!"

Change your  thinking and you change your results, guys.


3/25/2017 1:05:39 AM
And then there are the ones that make you laugh. When they offer you hundreds of dollars to burn them with a cigarette you know they are bad off. I think he gets his jollies trying to jerk people around so when I didn't play he cussed and blocked me. Show up or shut up, boys. I don't put on the boots for wannabes. In other news, I am looking forward to local lunch photo shoot this coming Monday and pictures of my new boots. Hope my new corset gets here in time. I love brocades...

3/9/2017 8:00:40 PM
What.
The.
Fuck.
Seriously, what the ever lovin FUCK, people?

10 years of this.
Thousands of emails.
Hundreds of conversations.
Dozens of plans for a first meeting.
And I think three actually showed up in that time.
And always, it's just like this.

Days of emails, trying to find out if we are remotely compatible, lots of "oh, I'd never just ghost, that's so rude!" sometimes even a phone conversation where they say "GREAT! You seem really real and awesome and I'd love to come meet you guys! X day? Yes!" or some variant thereof,
and then BAM!
No more contact.
No responses to emails.
No response to texts.
Won't answer the phone.

I turn down other options to go do things because I have set up to meet them.
I plan a day or a week around their meeting/visit/etc because they are SO FREAKING INSISTENT that *they* would never do that.
Then they do that.
Three, out of... I can't count anymore. Three showed up. In ten years.

Sometimes I hear later how 'grandma died' but then it turns out they were courting another Domme that day/week/etc or sometimes they say they suddenly have the stomach flu but REALLY REALLY want to reschedule before they vanish and sometimes they are almost on the road but then you never hear from them so you wonder if they died making the drive down.
But it's always the same.
So very eager, then so very nowhere to be found.
I've said it before, and I may get stupid and hopeful then say it again, but honestly, it's starting to play havoc with my peace of mind every time I forget how confused and rejected it feels when someone disappears without a word -
I may be done.

I am a human being.
I have feelings, and fears, and hopes, and wants, and I'll be really honest here - this always hurts at least a little, to be stood up, to be bailed on, to have someone build up the idea of the fun things that might happen, the help I might have, the adventures that could be taken, and have it all evaporate with no explanation. I can imagine the feel of their hair in my grip, the evil pleasure I'll feel with them on their knees, even the ways that I will make their entire future better with my wisdom and discipline, etc, and then it's gone. Again.

I just can't keep wasting my energy on self proclaimed submissives who cry so piteously that they can't find a "Real Domme" and that there's nothing but fakes and pro dommes out for money and so on then are so disrespectful and just plain rude to someone that gave them a chance and spent time trying to get to know them.
I just don't have enough energy left to waste.
They are draining the joy out of kink for me.
And don't tell me how YOU would be different.
ALL of you say you are different. You insist it. You proclaim your hurt and offense that I don't see how you, a total stranger, is radically different from every single total stranger that came before you saying those same words.
And none of you ever is.
THIS is why none of you can find a "real" Domme. Because you don't really want one.

Update - since the writing of this journal just an hour or so ago, so I know they were on.
"Note:  
  This user does not have an active profile"

3/3/2017 11:05:42 PM
I firmly believe that any submissive man must, obviously, be a feminist. Feminism by definition is the belief that women are human beings with the same rights as any human being. The idea that feminism is about female supremacy is propaganda created by misogynists to try to argue against women having any rights at all.

That said, submissives routinely insist that women are superior, and FemDom porn is some of the most popular BDSM porn out there. I would hope that to believe that women are superior would require that men first believe that they are equal. 

One of the biggest complaints I hear from subs is that there just aren't enough Dominant women in the world to go around.
There's a very good reason for that.
In the book I'm currently writing, I discuss how girls are raised radically different than boys. From our earliest experience, any hint of assertiveness is usually squashed as "bossy" or "aggressive" or "unfeminine" and then later as "bitchy." The terms a "good girl" is defined by are usually submissive, demure words, urging us to be quiet, polite, deferring to the pleasure of adults in general and males specifically. Blanche Black paints a very good picture of this in her Feminism 101 article, and the MetaFilter discussion "Where's My Cut" is literally thousands of women giving examples of how they were crammed into the role of caregiver with strong social, economic and even physical consequences for objecting or questioning it.
We are programmed from birth to be doormats, and are told we are genetically supposed to be happy about it.
To go from that upbringing to being an assertive adult is a massive undertaking. I know a majority of the women in my life never even realize that they are following roles and rules they never agreed to. It usually takes a huge life event to force that awareness on us, and then years of hard work re-creating our understanding of communication and relationships to learn to stop playing that part and instead to stand up and assert ourselves. To stop allowing others to demand and take and expect, etc, and instead start working toward taking care of ourselves first, demanding equal effort from our partners, being willing to be alone rather than be subjugated.

To move into the confidence and self-reliance necessary to dominate ... that's a new world.
I'm not talking about becoming a bitch who uses and abuses and negates the feelings and needs of others to get her way.
I'm talking about being able to walk away from what doesn't serve us and require a higher level of interaction from anyone who wants to stay in our presence.
I'm talking about being unwilling to tolerate poor behavior, from others, or from ourselves.
That requires a sea change. A total re-writing of the base code that made us from our first memories.  It almost never happens by accident. It almost never comes without great pain and sacrifice. It's almost always worth it. But it's always an uphill battle that never ends, because nearly the entire world we live in is still trying to tell us that we aren't being feminine, or desirable, or kind if we aren't giving away whatever it whims to want. We are still being told that we'll be alone, that we are bitches or worse, sometimes it brings violence and poverty and suffering, because this world doesn't want women to be assertive, and it doesn't easily tolerate them being dominant.

If you want to have dominant women, you have to start with allowing them equality. Not special privilege. Just the same privilege men have to think what they want without being told they are failing as females. The same privilege to act for themselves and not just for others. The same choices and freedoms and safetys to exist without being attacked for it.

If you want to have dominant women in the world, you have to be a feminist, and moreover, you have to be an ally. Aggressively so, because until feminist men outnumber and overwhelm the rest, you are going to have to counteract the bullshit message the rest are constantly putting out there telling us to SUBMIT! You, submissive male, must be the active agent that makes the safe space for every woman to express her thoughts and feelings and wants and to act on them without recrimination. You will have to stand up to other men, because they don't hear it when we say it. You will have to call out your friends when they catcall or mansplain or talk over a woman or _(insert male domineering behavior here____ to a woman.

I'm not saying that every woman you do this for will become a Dominant Woman.
I am saying that almost no women can without it, and if nothing else, you can make the first steps in that direction less of a battle for them.
Go forth, and create the world that lets us first become people, equal and unencumbered,  and Dominant Women will become ever more common, until almost every submissive male that wants one can find one.

2/7/2017 12:25:29 AM
Things I think about while organizing fabrics in the  costume factory that is my sewing room -
When a sub contacts me, and he tells me how he is "kneeling at (my) feet" or "groveling before" me, what that really is, see, is masturbation.
This is an act he does for himself, for his own pleasure, without bothering to find out if I want it. (Slight rapey vibe there, too, if you think about it.) It has nothing to do with me, the amazing person, or the human being, etc. It's him getting himself off on the idea of kneeling to A Dominant Woman, which is objectification at it's most basic. They, in their minds, have turned us into things. Pretty, desirable things, but things nonetheless, with no humanity, no intrinsic value of our own, valuable only for the idea of us and the pleasure they get thinking about that idea. Which they then try to insist on our playing out for them.

Talking to a young man about that tonight, in fact. That so many guys are so fixated on the idea of A Beautiful Woman.... they have an outcome they want, they have an act they want to perform, and any effort expended that doesn't result in getting that is wasted. Which is the problem, isn't it? In the pursuit of that one thing, they devalue everything else. Here, in pursuit of getting to kneel and grovel and feel like they are serving and submitting, they actually eliminate their ability to receive it. Their single minded focus on getting to X point where they get X thing blinds them to everything that could/would/should inspire them to actual submission. They can't see the person behind the boots and crop, because they are so dazzled by them. So they will never get the chance to be dazzled by the person themselves.

1/21/2017 11:52:39 PM
Let's see who's actually reading.
As part of my writing a 'how to find a dominant woman' book, I think about a lot of the things that happen on here that instantly turn me off, and which I know do the same for a lot of Dommes. There are lots of things that subs do with their profiles, their first emails and then in subsequent discussions that they don't realize set them up for failure right off the bat. I think any sub that really does want to find a Domme to serve rather than just wanting a quick free kinky sex session (which I've never seen happen in the ten years I've been involved) would want to find out how to avoid making these mistakes, but I can't be sure.
I'd like to get feedback on this, to find out how much interest there is before I put too much more time into it.
Who would like to read a book that helped them understand how Dominant women think, what they want, how to approach one, etc?

Here's a freebie bit of advice to start that I've shared with a few newbies who were having problems -
I know guys love their penises, and they wish we'd use boobs or our pussies as our pics because they love to look a them. I know that to a large degree they decide who they want to contact based on that as well, but women aren't men. Women like to look at the penis of their playmate, and and some of them if it's attached to a really gorgeous guy in a porn pic, but you'll notice there's hardly any porn made for women that is just pictures of penises.
That's because in general, we are drawn to other things. We almost never look at a dick pic and go OOHH!!!! PRETTY!!! When we see a profile pic that's just a guy's dick, 90-odd percent of us keep scrolling because we assume he's a self-absorbed fuckboy who's just looking to get said penis wet, and probably has nothing we are looking for. Its all he's thinking about, and probably all he's thinking WITH. When someone sends us a picture of one that we didn't ask to see (which DOES happen a lot) we consider it the same as a stranger exposing himself to us on the subway - even if it's the most amazing penis in the world, we're probably only going to see it as an act of sexual aggression, and want it as far away from us as possible. We want HIM as far away from us as possible. So sending a dick pic is pretty much going to get the opposite reaction to what you fantasized it might.
The same can be said for a dick pic as your profile picture. It's obviously on YOUR mind, and what you want US to be thinking about, but on here, as a sub, you want to show us that what is on your mind is all the wonderful things you would do to please us, so that we have THAT on our minds. If you must be naked, you want a picture of you naked on your knees giving a foot massage. You want a picture of you kneeling with a bent head serving an elegant tea. You want a picture of you in tight jeans, shirtless, while washing dishes. You want a picture of you on your knees planting roses. Show us what WE want to see. Not what you would want to see if the situation was reversed. We aren't you. That's why you like us, remember?
Short, bald, fat, skinny, old, hairy, not hairy, small dick, etc... we do like sexy bodies, but usually not as much as we like sexy minds, and that is harder to get a picture of.
Try harder.
There are literally thousands of you, and maybe a few hundred of us. Make it easy for us to tell you from all the other subs begging to "serve  at our feet" by showing us something that appeals to us. And start by finding out what that is.

12/23/2016 4:51:27 AM
Here's another way to consider your copy/paste email that you send to every female you see on here with a decent picture - it's the online version of catcalling. I have NEVER, EVER, been catcalled and actually thought "hey, yeah! I do have a nice ass and want someone to stuff their meat in it!" and gone out with the guy. And I've never been interested in any guy that does it here, either.

"Guys, if you can’t fathom why women hate being catcalled, just think about those obnoxious salesmen at mall kiosks. You know how awkward and annoyed you feel trying to get by them as they desperately try to push their shitty product on you?

Imagine if that happened EVERYWHERE, and if - instead of shoe cleaner - their product was DICK.

That’s a woman’s reality: a never-ending, thinly veiled penis infomercial. Moral reasons aside, you shouldn’t catcall simply because it doesn’t work. From an economic standpoint, dick is over-saturating the marketplace. Supply and demand. Too many guys are trying to supply dick. Droves of desperate dudes are drastically decreasing dick demand, detrimenting distribution.

Simply put: The Cock Market is an all time low.

The reason vagina is such a valuable commodity is because it’s harder to come by. You can’t just get it through a hole in the wall at a truck stop bathroom. You want your product to sell, you have to create a need.

In everyone’s best interest, gentlemen, treat your dicks like the McRib. Periodically take them off the market. Give consumers a chance to miss them and forget how gross they really are.

Nat Baimel


11/26/2016 8:21:27 AM
Here's one of today's more desperate attempts at attention (yet not nearly as creative as he apparently thought it was)

"
  I must say that this is by far one of the most pretentious profiles ever written in the history of self-absorbed profiles! Well done! it leads me to ask, what color is the sky on the planet which you are from? Also, is it difficult to get your enormously swollen head through the average doorway? Were you a man, I'd presume that you were simply the most insecure man ever to land on earth from another planet, but as you are a woman, with oh-so-weighty interests in brocades, velvets and your homosexual companion, I shall keep it simple: Send me an unretouched photograph of your undoubtedly horrible looking cunt and we can discuss whether I shall ever deign to stoop to allow you to amuse me again. Is my punctuation satisfactory to your oh-so-high demands? Angeldmort...you are SUCH a brilliant wit. Best Regards, Pasabel
 "
I think the pick up artists call this "negging," where you realize the girl is way out of your league, so you try to make her feel flawed so she'll feel the need to prove her worth, and thereby lower her standards.
To be fair, this does occasionally work with younger women who haven't realized her own self worth, and therefore how little she actually needs any male, but I can't imagine any Dominant woman being dumb enough to fall for it. Getting here meant a lot of deep internal work, and becoming Dominant was something that came FROM the work, not the other way around, and certainly not just by putting on some kinky boots.
These are the messages filling up my inbox, guys. These are the things attempting to suck up the attention you want.
Do better. Yes?

11/22/2016 8:07:12 PM
Wow - someone REALLY hates Planned Parenthood! Possibly nearly as much as Mr Pence does.  ROFL!!!
I guess the irony of someone on a fetish site pointing fingers about who's going to hell is lost on them. Gotta be here to see it, sweetie.
I'm guessing they aren't getting the level of attention here they expected to.
Must rankle a bit.

"Fuck you and fuck indiana little bitch ..you are here for you sell your self and your body for donations for Indiana little bitch what you gonna say to Jesus later on I was selling ny body and play with human for donations for Indianapolis mother fucker bitch go to the hell you and indiana and put that on all sites you know or you have membership with fuck you ... "

Po ting mussa got a sublevel ejumacation.
Is ok, po ting. We all jus keep on keepin on.

11/11/2016 6:41:10 PM
You can make a donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence's name and he'll receive the certificate of the donation.
Office of Governor Mike Pence
State House
Room 206
Indianapolis, IN 46204-2797



Show me that you donated and I'll spend a little time chatting with you.

7/28/2016 4:52:17 PM



 
From:    
 

Dated:  

7/28/16 3:48 PM  
 
 
  [You cannot respond to this message because the account no longer exists]

i am not handy, but i am a hard worker. And i am very service oriented. i hope you are still seeking a slave.



It's 7:50 now.
That's a new record, eh?


Considering that the "week of vacation" wanna be a slave didn't show, this one is at least efficient about its cowardice.

6/15/2016 8:23:06 PM

“Why do all these Dommes want to demand that I give them ‘tribute’??? Doesn’t that just make them whores and prostitutes?”

Let’s clear that up, shall we?

I just closed up a chapter with yet another applicant for submissive. It was pretty textbook for how these things go for every Domme I know.

This person, specifically, wanted to be my “Slave.” Much more serious than merely “submissive.” Not the first to say this, and I’m sure won’t be the last.

This person wrote me wanting to be a live in slave, move across the country, sleep bound on my floor at night, tending to my every need, yada yada yada. Everything from making my breakfast and painting my toes to being loaned out as a sex toy for my amusement.

Four months spent exchanging a few emails, then chatting on Yahoo Messenger, adding them to my Facebook friends, etc. Letting my family and roomies know to expect a visitor who might become a live in. Discussing with my partner and making sure everyone felt comfortable with this potential addition to our lives.  Trying to schedule a visit. Only to have delay after delay. Excuse after excuse.

Four months in which the only thing I really asked was “contact me daily”- as the biggest problem Dommes have is subs disappearing. Something as simple as a quick “good morning, Domina” via YM or text. Hell, sometimes I've sent texts from my ass without even meaning to! Should be easy. Within the first few weeks that become a problem. So I had to either drop them or put a penalty on it – if you miss a day, you buy my lunch the next, unless pre-approved with me due to travelling, etc. And honestly, even then, EVERYONE has a cell phone or some way to make contact, and if I can see you on Fetlife and Collarme, you obviously could be dropping a quick note.  Yes, I caught them surfing when 'out of contact.' I even pointed out a few times that “hey, it doesn’t seem that you are currently in a life situation where you have the time to pursue this kind of interaction.” He sent me a gift from my wish list in penance. He agreed that it might be the case, but insisted he could do better.

He didn’t do better for long. In fact, he didn’t even do better for more than a couple weeks or so.

Four months of this. Four months of stringing me along with the occasional actual conversation, lots of complaints about how busy he was,  listening to his concerns, trying to establish some sort of connection, always hearing how ardent his need to serve me was but how limited his time and resources were. Occasionally reading and discussing his fantasies vs what could actually be done when he came for his first visit. And eventually having to give up and say “that’s it” when he STILL couldn’t manage that one simple act – contact me at least once a day, however minimally.
Only to get a slew of “Oh, I’m so upset that I screwed this up and I’m so angry at myself and I can’t believe I handled it this way” at which point I finally got fed up and pointed out that his sending me all these messages actually CONTINUED to suck up my time, and that if he wanted to keep whining at me, he would have to pay for that privilege.
And he agreed to do so.

I pointed out that the behavior was going to alienate every Domme he interacted with in his future, and I could help him work on that, but that I was done giving away my time. He agreed to paying for training that would help keep him from fucking up again with the next Domme. The reality was that he  was only willing as long as he thought he was buying his way into someday still being considered for my personal live-in slave. Which he obviously wasn’t ever going to manage.
He wasn’t going to admit that to himself. He also wasn’t going to pay for my time, but wouldn’t admit that, either. So rather than say so, he went back to not communicating.

Understand… this is not the first time this scenario has happened. This is just the first time I’ve decided to demand payment for continued interaction. This is the first time I’ve looked into pay services, learned about how to get paid for my time, and how to set up appointments for an online sub.

This, of course, is the rare someone who actually READ THE PROFILE, which 90% of those who write me don’t do. Who wrote me an actual email, which again, 90 of the emails I get are just some random “my name is bob and i will let you spank me” copy/paste crap. Some of the emails are just one word, or one short, misspelled, unpunctuated sentence. Here’s a secret – I have more than one profile. And all of them get the same crappy emails. Sometimes the emailer will exchange a few great emails and then kill their account or just stop writing. Sometimes they make plans to meet and then something always happens either the week or day of that keeps them from being able to meet. Sometimes it’s a real thing, sometimes it turns out to be an easily proven lie. But after however many years of this, and too many emails to count, I’ve had exactly THREE people show up, and two of them were one time meetings where it was immediately obvious that they weren’t going to happen because of stuff in their lives.

Years of this. Still getting the same emails over and over with the same promises and same demands. The same professions of adoration from people who’ve never met me, who either are so desperate that they’ll swear to serve anyone or who think my face is the sum of me, etc.

Yet my tea remains unmade, my house is still uncleaned, I am still mowing my own lawn, and every promise turns into excuses.

THIS is the reality for a Domme. THIS is why so many demand money or a gift or some concrete investment before they’ll give you a slice of their day. Because only 1 out of 1000 will give anything at all back. Because most self-defined submissives won’t follow through unless they have invested something tangible they’d lose if they flake.

Because we just don’t have the time to waste giving weeks and months of our lives away to people who simply blow it off.

Think about this the next time you are throwing a tantrum because every Domme you send your pasted email to didn’t reply, and when you are calling them whores if they ask you to invest something in getting what you want. Even if you are the rare, wondrous unicorn of a submissive who is truly motivated, emotionally healthy, self-aware, etc etc, you are wading through the same ocean of crap we are to get to us. Make it easier for us by getting off your high horse and making more than just the token effort.


4/10/2016 7:18:35 AM
In my inbox when I woke up.

"Hello Miss, Will you please make me your slut and abuse my little cock on webcam while my girlfriend is at work? I can use her toys if you'd like. I will do anything you'll say Miss, the panties and the dildos are prepared and my cock and balls are tied tight."

Oh yes, this works SO much better than "Hello, Domina. I read your profile and wanted to get to know you" as an introduction.

But then, the goal was never to get to know a human being. It was to get his kink served. Any female who will pretend to Dominance will work. They are all the same to him.

Still not getting him what he wants, though. Maybe he'll find some free cam sex service, but I really doubt it.

This is why Dommes quit, guys. Hundreds of these. Dozens of  the 'make me your slave, total stranger' emails, a handful who actually suck up your time with actual emails then never show up live, etc.
These are the people keeping us Dommes from knowing the few of you who are sincere actually ARE sincere.
Do something about that, would you?

4/8/2016 1:07:56 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI

Always worth a re-share. And it's always interesting to see who watches it and actually gets it. Better is when someone has seen it before and is living it.

4/7/2016 12:23:05 PM
https://xkcd.com/1027/ Got a couple of these today. Its always sad to see what desperate people will sink to when they run out of ideas.

3/30/2016 11:46:24 PM
I've recently started writing a book based on the interactions I've had here and on Fetlife.

I'm calling it "Why You Can't Find a Dominant Woman" and yes, it will include some of the emails and messages I've received from various "submissives" over the last few years as examples of what NOT to do, as well as some straightforward "this is what a woman goes through growing up that is different from what a man goes through, so this is how she'll be different than a man, and some of the ways she'll think differently than a man." I'm going into many of the ways we are pressured to be submissive from our earliest years through the rest of our entire lives, so that just being assertive is a massive effort, and becoming dominant requires an amazing force of will. I'll discuss the differences between what a man wants and what a woman wants, so that maybe you guys can clue in that giving what YOU would want won't get you what you tell us you want.

I'm also throwing in some wake-up calls about how you've spent most of your life being on top of the heap because you are male, so you have been conditioned to believe that everyone wants to give you what you want. That the first step to being happy with any woman, must less trying to attract a dominant women who by definition is NOT going to be desperate to provide you with what YOU want, but instead is seeking someone to provide what SHE wants, will be to stop assuming that anyone enjoys giving you what you want unless you give them a VERY VERY VERY good reason to. As I've said before, I love to spank my sweetie and do many evil things to him, but because I enjoy him, specifically. I don't give a flying fig about doing those things to a stranger. Telling me how you will "let" me spank you? YAWN. Big lingering yawn. Offering to write sentences as punishment for not bothering to spend two minutes reading my profile? BuhBye. "Kneeling humbly" at my imaginary feet? Why bother?

For now, if you want to impress me, go out into the world tomorrow and support women being assertive. When you are in a group of people and a woman tries to talk, listen. If a man interrupts her, call him on it. If a man questions a woman being credible, shut his ass down. If a man starts to explain something to a woman that she didn't ask to have explained, tell him he's being an ass.  And so on. Support women being equal, treat them like human beings instead of trophies or party favors, and maybe you won't have so few dominant women to choose from.

12/20/2015 4:20:04 PM
http://thoughtcatalog.com/tucker-max/2015/10/guys-heres-what-its-actually-like-to-be-a-woman/

11/19/2015 9:01:29 AM
Sigh... is my birthday today, and not a one of you sent me any pretty surprises.
Shame... shame on you all.

10/24/2015 11:30:48 PM
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4823135/tm.htm

That. All over that.

10/24/2015 6:24:46 PM
I really do NOT get you people.
You write and talk so big about how you want a Dominant Woman in your life.
You make so much big talk about how serious you are in your pursuit.
You write me and chat online and keep me writing and talking for hours and hours trying to find out what you want and if our interests are compatible and if we each have similar understandings of terms and views and we negotiate or we just enjoy conversation until a decision is made that you want to meet.

Then you disa-fuking-ppear.

Or you have some terrible thing come up unexpectedly, so you can't follow through with the plans you made, have lots of apologies, make new plans, and THEN you disappear.

I make plans, I make preparations, I even change other plans to accommodate these plans with you... and then I sit around wondering where you are, why you vaporized without a word after all the words you used to insist that you wanted to meet.....

I'm tired. Really, deeply, depressingly tired.
Tired of hearing how 'I'm not like the other guys' only to have it go exactly like the other guys.
Tired of lame excuses. Tired of giving a shit when you guys obviously don't.
I dunno if I can do this anymore. It's just not fucking worth it.
From now on, if you want to make your request for my time, make it at the local munch. Make the effort to find where I'll be on your own time, show the fuck up on your own time, and offer to rub my feet or something. But until that happens... I dunno if I'm going to waste any more of my hours and energy on replying to messages here. It just never goes anywhere, and I don't need a playtoy this fucking bad.

Congrats.
You burned out another Domme with the flaky, wanna be bullshit.
Happy now?

9/11/2015 12:15:40 AM
I really think Louisville needs a Hostess Club.
http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor

8/2/2015 11:32:17 PM
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-garnet-mcgraw/you-dont-owe-anyone-an-interaction_b_7874944.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

Absolutely.

11/19/2014 10:43:59 AM
Crossing my fingers... my wish list just got bigger!

http://www.harborfreight.com/cast-iron-boxwood-heater-stove-32058.html


11/19/2014 12:36:26 AM
Happy birthday to me! I have such a fabu sweetie.

9/3/2014 8:34:55 PM
How about this - since I know none of you are going to actually READ my profile, we'll put this up where it's easy to see.
Read 'Speed of Trust" by Stephen M.R. Covey and send me a quote you think is interesting, or don't write me.

9/10/2013 6:39:12 PM

Would you walk up to a total stranger sitting next to her guy in public and say “hey, you are pretty and I wanna have sex. Will you cheat on him with me?”

Then don't write me and say that same basic thing. Seriously. That's a total dickhead move. And especially if you have nothing to offer, just want a sex or kink handout, and probably aren't someone I'd be attracted to in the first place.

If you can't get laid normally, why the FUCK do you expect I'll not only fuck you, when I can have just about anyone, but screw over the man I love to do so?

Dickheads. Really stupid dickheads at that.

I roll my eyes at you.


8/25/2013 11:12:40 PM

There's a reason Dommes (and Doms, I'm sure) get tired of requests from newbies.  We get tired of hearing endless dramatic professions of submissiveness from people who crawl on their knees before us before even introducing themselves, much less receiving permission to grovel.  People who've watched a few porn movies, or read some kinky books, and decided that because they got aroused by a deion of a sexually assertive female taking charge, they must be submissive.  And so, I get emails swearing "I'd do anything to serve you, Mistress." 

I'm so tired of wasting my time being polite to people who want to shovel huge loads of bullshit at me, but who suddenly develop huge hard limits against anything that isn't their kink fantasy. I loathe spending hours writing back to someone with well thought out responses and questions, giving them my time and energy, only to have them turn into excuse machines and disappear when I ask for simple, reasonable things like 'read this book' or 'go to a munch' or 'look into this class that will help you develop what you need to do this'. Things for THEIR benefit, not mine. And I think I have officially decided that anyone who isn't asking to meet us at a munch can just sail on by.
I think I want to get an email saying "Most lovely Domina, may I meet you and your partner at the next Louisville Munch of your choosing, and buy you two dinner as an introduction and show of my desire to please?"  Or even "Domina, I went to the last two munches in my best black jeans and ponytail with my dumbek in hand, hoping to introduce myself, but was crushed to find you not in attendance. Might you be at the next, or at a Fringe Elements event where I might bring you some of my made from scratch turtle brownies? With coconut caramel icing?"

For the record, this is what was written to the last twit. Yes, "twit." Someone who had not spent any of his own time analyzing what he did and did not want, or considering what would ACTUALLY be required for him to create a D/s relationship with another human being, how much work it would be, how much time and effort he was asking for, what comfort zones he might have to stretch to earn it, etc. Intellectually lazy. I have NO, I repeat NO respect for the intellectually lazy.
This is also my view on munches. (I don't often go lately because my cash and my time/energy is often sucked away on vet bills, or animal rescue, or my costuming design business, etc, but I stand by this -)

"You don't have to put your kink on display. Going to a munch is not a 'kink display.' It's going to dinner, at a (hopefully) nice restaurant, with a group of people who have similar interests. It is how most people meet future playmates, friends, and partners. It's community, in the most practical sense - if I demanded something off the wall, how would you know if it was reasonable and you just hadn't considered it before, or instead something outrageous and crazy? You ask other people who's opinions you trust. How do you meet people who's opinions you can grow to trust about this kind of lifestyle? You go meet them, talk to them,  watch how they conduct themselves, and find out if they are respected by and respectful of those around them. Those that no one wants to play with? You don't listen to them. But until you meet them, you have no support system to give you feedback, and you have no way to find out who is safe, sane and consensual vs too edgy, out for themselves at the expense of others, and just outright asshole-ish.

You also get a chance for people to find that out about YOU. Right now, I don't know you from Adam, and I have no idea if you are another dickish wannabe that will jerk me around or steal me blind or turn sadist the moment he gets a whiff of opportunity. You have no one to vouch for you. "

"Getting submerged in the community shows effort on your own behalf. It shows willingness to stretch your comfort zones to get what you want. It shows that you have actually thought about what you want enough to DO something toward getting it. And it gives a safety buffer to any Domme you might try to meet in that she's in a public place, surrounded by familiar people, rather than meeting a total stranger in some unknown area. Dominant or not, we are still female, dealing with unknown males. There's a million blogs I could suggest you read, and probably will if we keep talking, about that very crucially relevant fact where meeting men goes."

 And my view on newbies.

"Dommes don't usually prefer newbies, not because of the training involved, but because so many get cold feet the minute it gets real, or lose interest once they've tried out a few things and it's no longer a crazy new exotic thing. It gets draining to invest time and energy in anything that just vaporizes, and if you read through the 'Ask A Mistress' threads, you'll find that the most common complaint - self proclaimed subs beg and bug and harangue for attention, want online time, web cam time, etc and sometimes even phone time, then when they finally get the set up to meet, they disappear. For a pro Domme, that's a loss of income due to wasted time. For a lifestyle Domme, it's just wasted life. Read my journals. I loathe wasting my time and energy.... I have a lot going on (too much, most of the time) and time wasted on something because someone else copped out is my biggest resentment.

I've had guys dangle financial control in front of me, but suddenly forget who I am the first time they are asked to actually do anything more than chat online. I've had guys beg me to help them become sissy slut slaves, but then won't make a single phone call when directed to. I could go on for hours.... any Domme could. Lack of commitment by literally hundreds of supposed subs before you is what stands between newbies and their fantasies, not the work of training. That work would be a cheap investment for the reward IF (big if) they knew it wasn't going to turn out to be all a big line of bullshit by some guy wanting to use BDSM to get laid where he can't normally, or whack off a few times to a kinky idea he's had before he goes back to his regular life."

And a final word about the rank cowardice of the so called sub that begs for attention then drops off the face of the earth because he "was a bit hesitant honestly because you mentioned" something as banal as going to a munch group dinner in a public place -

"if you are going to balk at the first suggestion, of something that benefits *you* no less, after asking for knowledge and experience, then we may have a problem. And if your response to a suggestion that you aren't sure about is to simply drop out of touch rather than say "Domina, I have this concern," then maybe you aren't mature enough for what you've asked to be given.

Stop wasting my time, wannabes. I have squash almost ready to can, dance costumes to get finished, and its Hell Week on campus. I don't have the energy to spoon feed grown adults and wipe your ass for you. Figure your own shit out, BEFORE you write me your deep declaration of adoration and submission, and save us both a lot of hassle.

 Now I'm gonna try to pry traumatized rescue kitty #2 off my lap, convince him and his brothers to go to bed, so I can do the same. Gonna be a long, exhausting week followed by a busy, exhausting weekend of vet visits and rescue transports.

 Yeah... I'd like to get an email asking "Domina, how could I help you and the poor scared rescue kitties?" That would be a wonderful change from the "ill let you spank me mistess."

Someone get on that, would ya?


7/1/2013 8:45:50 PM

http://beetnik.tumblr.com/post/16985200291/im-not-ashamed-to-dress-like-a-woman-because-i

 

Just so we're clear on where I stand about crossdressing.


6/30/2013 8:23:18 PM

Once again, since something has come up, I'm going to put it here, so interested parties might better understand what should go into a message when they are approaching me, seeing to be considered for potential service.
I was sent a message. Like a lot of them, it was very short.

"i am very good at taking care of the yard work and much more and fairly good at fixxing cars and repairing things around the house . so i look forward to serving your needs"

When I asked what he expected in return...

"I will be ur slave to do as you say and run errands for you fix your car fix things around your house run your bath water wash your back do your laundry cook you dinner ect."

So again I asked "And what do YOU expect to GET out of this?"

"I expect to gain a mistress and to be owned by you and be your slave"

Not very clear, although I'm sure he felt he was. Understand, this was offered before having met in person. Before a single phone conversation. Before even a single live chat session. No more than a few lines exchanged over the internet.

 

So... to make sure everyone is on the same page, here is my reply. This could be sent to literally hundreds of men who have written me asking for almost exactly the same thing. So before you send me some three sentence note asking me to make you my slave, consider the following CAREFULLY. *Yes, this means you, random prospective admirer I haven't heard from yet.*

********************

"So... what do you envision this to be, on a day to day basis? Paint me a picture of how it will look to be my "slave" and be "owned by" me.

 

Right now, you don't know me. At all. You are offering ownership, rather than just service. Do you know that there's a difference? Do you know what I expect from a slave? Do you know what I expect from just a regular sub? Do you have any idea how I define the term "slave" in the first place? Right now, you are offering an unknown amount of you don't know what to a total stranger.

You haven't even asked if I want to "own" a "slave."

 

You need to take a step back, realize that you are moving WAY too fast to appear sane, and start over. I understand that you have a fantasy here, and behaving like a real person talking to a real person may squash that a bit, but I don't play "Fantasy Super Sexy Bitch Domme" unless I'm wearing my boots and know exactly who I'm dealing with. I'm not saying I won't discuss this or listen to your offer, but I AM telling you that so far, you sound like a crazy person or complete desperate newbie wanna-be who has no clue, no experience, and no idea how far he's in over his head. Why would I want that kind of impulsive, unstable person in my life? And isn't that exactly what a sub or slave would be - someone in my personal life?

 

If you want me to consider you anything more than some random crazy idiot, just like the hundreds of others that contact me here, you need to sit down, write a REAL, well thought out and properly punctuated letter telling me who you are, what experience you have if any in BDSM and the community where you live, skills you have, what you want to do for me, DB, or both of us, how you plan to include DB and show proper respect for his relationship and place in my life,  what you want to get from the relationship in return, how much attention you need and want and in what way, and anything else you might think valuable for me to know before we begin discussions and negotiations. Imagine it like a job interview- in a lot of ways, it really is. I have work and services I would like performed. I have things I like to do.
You need to show why you are worth the time it takes to get to know you, on top of why you are worth the effort of teaching you what I want done, the time spent learning what you like, and the hard work of integrating you and your life in any way into my own and DB's. IF you really need to, consider this an assignment. Serving me would be a lot of very hard work, a lot of it mental and emotional, and may not be sexual in any way. If you can't do this, we may not be compatible. You need to consider all these things before you enter into any situation with any Domme, and I don't see anything to indicate you have yet.

 

I enjoy having assistance with the things I do. I would like to have a sub to do things for me. HOWEVER... I don't NEED anything. Ever. I make a lot of effort to be an intelligent, capable individual, who thinks rationally, fairly, and in depth about everything that matters to me. I don't see any reason why I would want to have anyone near me, much less give my time and energy in any way to them, if they do  not do the same. I try to be my best self. I deserve the best. And I can wait until I find it."


6/23/2013 9:50:42 PM

Putting it out there, during Retrograde, during the full moon.

Perhaps the energy is right for the manifestation of a desire into reality.

 I want a sub. That sub should like doing housework. They should be able to give or learn to give a really good THERAPEUTIC massage, with an emphasis on deep tissue work in the neck and upper shoulder area. I'd enjoy having someone who can help me in the garden. I'd love to have someone who can fix my car, or assist me doing so. Must like pets- I have several, and they live here and are family, and I often rescue homeless animals. Flexibility is probably a necessity... I'm a creative person, and somewhat ADD... I don't get many complaints, and it's often remarked on as one of my best characteristics.

They should be emotionally mature, intelligent, self-aware, realistic, caring, self-sufficient, self contained and just a good, all around decent person. They have to be accepting and respecting of my relationship partner. It would be wonderful they they were SCAndian or into Renn faires, but not necessary. No major physical issues, or at least be actively working to fix them. No addictions, no crazy drama in their life. (I believe that truly mentally and emotionally healthy people don't allow it in their lives for long.)  I require open, fully honest communication, do not allow passive aggressive or dishonest behavior, and don't play around with funishment - if you do wrong on purpose, you don't stick around. If you push boundaries to test me, you won't stick around. If you want to be beaten, you SAY SO, or you negotiate that in the beginning, so I can "punish you" as part of what you receive in this relationship. If you make an honest mistake, admit it, apologize for it, fix it, and learn from it. If you push boundaries to test me, you won't stick around. Gender isn't an issue. Attitude is.

 

I know mostly what I want out of this interaction and will negotiate some. What applicants want will have to be discussed, obviously. This is not a prelude to a romantic relationship where I leave my partner and marry my sub. Any messages will be expected to contain the basic requirements listed in my profile. Please know what you want, or at least be honest with yourself and me about the parts you DO know. Be aware that any and probably all messages will be shared with DB, my partner, and he may be part of the selection process.


4/7/2013 10:42:26 PM

Since it just came up again, and I wrote it all out, I figured I'd post it here and share ahead of time, so no one misunderstands anything.

 

I get constant emails from subs that will "let me" do X or Y thing that they want done. They want it, and they've watched porn or had fantacies or whatever that let/caused them to assume that Dominant women are just champing at the bit to do these things to anyone they can. Being female, I suppose, they assume I'll want to do for them what they want done. Thereby missing the point of 'dominant' completely.

 

True story - when I first started looking into all this, I had a co-worker that found out and became VERY friendly. He shared that he had always wanted to try these things, and wanted "to learn" but of course, he wanted to "learn" by doing, not by reading any books, web boards or anything else before he dove in. And he had a LONG laundry list of what he wanted - what a Domme should wear, what toys she should use on him, etc. He was married, and couldn't pursue a relationship with a Domme, or spend much time away, so I suggested he needed to contact a professional. He was VERY offended, and very verbal about how he wasn't going to pay for it.

 

I finally pointed out some basic facts - he wanted a Domme to own these specific kinds of outfits, which are very expensive, so she needed to spend her money on clothes, to please him. And spend her money on the toys (some of which can't be used on more than one person safely.)  And spend her money on the equipment/furniture and decor. And spend her time finding out what the liked and wanted and what he didn't like. And she'd have to spend more of her time designing a scene just for him. Then she'd have to spend her time setting up the equipment and toys for the scene. And spend more time getting dressed and coiffed, etc to meet his specifications. All so he could show up, get spanked, made to crawl around on the floor, pegged, and then go home. Then having spent a LOT of energy doing all that to him (cause it IS work. HARD work), she'd spend even MORE time cleaning it all up and putting it all away.

 

When I asked him "so what does SHE get out of all that" he honestly replied "Why, the pleasure of having me SERVE her!"

I could not make him understand that he wasn't DOING any service in that scenario. He was GETTING served. He was getting what he wanted, without giving anything back. At that point, I explained to him that I have a constant stream of emails from potential subs, all wanting something, often much less than he thought he could demand, and a good number of them offering to ACTUALLY serve - mow my grass, give me massages and pedicures, work on my car, clean my house... and most of them half his age or more, MUCH more attractive, and obviously with much  smaller entitlement issues.  Yes, many of them are twits who expect, but some are looking to give as well as receive. Some of them actually understand the definition of "service."

 

I told him not to contact me again until he'd done some serious reading (I was even kind enough to offer him some titles that might have really helped him) and gone to a few local munches to wise him up.

 

Why would I want to do ANYTHING for or with someone  who had nothing to offer, felt he shouldn't have to offer anything? (Especially someone who was physically unattractive, and wanted this from me solely because I am? He can be shallow, but I shouldn't be?)

 

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy spanking, I enjoy pegging, I enjoy playing dress up, I enjoy painting boys to be pretty girls, etc. But I enjoy those things with my playmates. I enjoy them with people who care about me, and who enjoy making sure I'm given pleasure as well. People who give back. I can careful not to play with anyone that I don't believe is going to give as much as I give to them, because I've made that mistake as much as anyone, and I give a LOT when I'm playing. It's exhausting, and if there's no return on that energy, then it sucks you dry. It burns you out, and then you lose interest entirely.

 

This is not a porn movie, people. This is real life. I am a real live human being with a job, pets, a garden, etc. I do laundry and car repairs and do costume work on the side for extra cash. I have a romantic life partner and we have a couple playmates. But we have a real life, and kink is part of it, not the sum of it.

 

Stop piddling around in lala land. Grow up, get real, and play in the big leagues - quit trying to pretend this is your fantasy, adjust your expectations, and you might get somewhere, folks.


10/27/2012 4:29:26 PM

Ya know... I don't think I remember the last time someone on here wrote me, the human being with thoughts and interests and a real life, as opposed to me, the random Dominant kinky female on Collarme.

FYI - yes, I really do use the preview feature in my mailbox and just delete anything that says "mistress" or "how are you" or other generic, meaningless crap.


7/1/2012 10:00:17 PM

I've always gone through and deleted from my "viewed your profile" list anyone who had just a cock shot or a picture of a chastity device as their profile picture. I've now started deleting those who's pictures look angry or apathetic. The blank stares just creep me out... like dead people with their eyes open.

 


12/6/2011 1:14:49 PM

From a total stranger, from somewhere too far away to do anything anyway -

 

"would you be intrested Mistress in a slave that would die in a session for you?"

 

"Oh, you mean the kind of session where afterwards, I get arrested, my name goes in the papers as a sadistic perverted murderer, my family is harassed by news crews for months, I lose my job and my home, all my pets get put to sleep as homeless at the pound, all my possessions get auctioned off by strangers who broke in to steal souvenirs, my whole life and those of my loved ones are ruined so you get YOUR thrills on?

 

No thanks. 

And learn to punctuate, dumbass."

 

ROLF!


12/2/2011 10:16:39 PM

I must find a way to make my craft stuff serve my kink life. I'm painting glass jars for my herbs and t-shirts for regular life and playing with little  sculpey leaves and watching mixed media videos.... Ive bought too much metallic paint and glitter, and I'm having a craftgasm!

I hear that Lumiere is good for leather. Maybe I make some new cuffs and collars, and paint them in peacock colors and gold. And a mask with cat eyes... something with east Indian flavor. I think I'm finally ready to try making an Organic Armor style dance bra. 

This is exactly the kind of staycation I needed.


5/1/2011 12:43:41 PM

It's spring... kink life is slow because work/school/gardening/pregnant cats/etc is sucking up all the time. There's so much I want to do, and fix, and be, and learn, and have finished, and start that life is a constant rush from one thing to the next. Too much change and potential change right now. Things hanging overhead (job stuff), things trying to slip out of control (yard and house stuff) things that MUST be handled some every day to avoid future problems (kitten stuff) and things slowly falling apart (car stuff.) I think I'm tired. But I think I'm mostly happy. If my job doesn't get cut, and I can get the outdoor stuff arranged so it causes less problem this summer, and stay focused, I may have more options and less chaos meaning less work in a month or so. Which means possibly being able to squeeze in more costuming and more massage work, for more income, and letting the effort snowball to be more money and more free time for fun.

I so very much need a clone. And I need to get off the friggin keyboard and go DO something right now. Get stuff done. Accomplishment. Dryer bearing, then plant the strawberries. Then clean till DB gets here, maybe. Maybe there's a little kink in my day if I get enough done. Reality is such a harsh mistress.


3/31/2011 1:55:06 AM

All these emails asking if I'd be interested... what would interest me... how do they get my interest...  and then a list of what they want, before I get a chance to answer. And one out a hundred might scan through enough to toss in a quick reference to something in my profile, but none of them are really writing ME. They aren't interested in me, who I am, what I think, etc. but only what I might do for them. So they want my interest in order to get that.

What do I want? I want The Man In Black from The Princess Bride. I want Wesley.

I want a person who is strong, capable, self-possessed,  who consistently seeks to improve himself and his skills without being forced to, who does everything in his power to make himself the best he could possibly be, so that when he lays himself at my feet, he is giving me what I deserve- the gift of his best self.

A man who isn't concerned with being the alpha, and is the alpha because of it, who dominates all situations and other people naturally, through superior skills and superior ethics, who lifts those around him up to be their best selves because he doesn't need to make others less to make himself large.  Someone respectful, who earns respect from everyone but doesn't need it to respect himself. Who can be powerful or weak or gentle or commanding or subservient whatever is appropriate in the situation.

I want a partner who matches my desire to be constantly growing intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. Someone who challenges me to be more than I am now, supports me in being the best I can be, who nurtures me as I nurture him, who helps me to be and become all those things I want to believe I am and can be, as I would want to do for him. Someone who reminds me of my better self when I am less. Someone who's concerns are less about pushing kink limits and more for wearing away life limits.  Someone who is a true partner in all aspects.

I don't want a worm. I don't want a whipped dog. I want a lion, wolf pack leader, a classic dragon. There's no thrill in leashing anything less.  A knight in service, a champion. Dignified in his submission, because his submitting to me is a choice, not a necessity.

Someone from and for whom "As you wish" really means something.

Then again, wish in one hand...


3/24/2011 11:24:04 PM

"Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

 

I think of who I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago...
I try to extend the learning curve out and imagine who I'll be next year... 5 years from now...
20 years from now...
My mind boggles.


I listen to younger people make statements, and realize that I got old, but that old wasn't what I thought it would be. I understand why "grownups" got so crazy over what I thought was ridiculous stuff. I understand why they rolled their eyes when we stated our powerful truths. I think I'm able to grasp how much more there is out there that I don't know that I don't know, or should I say that I might possibly grasp how little I know all around, even though I'm pretty sure I know amazing amounts more than most of the people I know. Sometimes "normal" people look at me when I talk about things as if they are amazed that I have all this information on all these things, and I think "just imagine if I had a real education!"

 

Once upon I time I knew it all. And then I lived another 25 years, and knowledge is exponential, rather than a sum. The last few years have been a roller coaster, a snowball downhill. It's almost frightening to consider what I'll know, who I'll be later, (barring unexpected death by zombies or meteors.)


I need to remember that these are people even if they are mostly children, and they have no way to know the size of what is left to discover. I need to smile and nod and not judge. I was as they are, they will be as I am, and we will all be something more later (except for the really stupid ones who'll never get it, but I'm prejudiced and think kinky people are prone to being more open minded.)

 

I also need to not read non-educational forums, and to avoid all of them when I'm tired and hungry.
H.A.L.T. 2 or 3 out of 4, so I should retreat to my cave with food and furry company and a movie. Maybe some Firefly.


3/23/2011 11:08:10 PM

We really need a way to list "no strings yardwork" in there somewhere.

I think I need a slave who is an auto mechanic or a yard care specialist. Where are all the subbie men that know how to build a trellis and rewire a power window? Or who would surprise me by digging up all the wild violets in my yard and replanting them in my meditation circle?  Or who have licenses in veterinary chiropractic and massage...

:::sigh:::

If the weather holds, and providence keeps sending me the supplies I need, I might have less need of these things as the spring progresses, but it would still be nice to talk about things my grandfather considered "man's work"  with a man who actually does them for a change.

Or perhaps I need to take a closer look at the women who garden and make soap and spin and till the soil and such.

Or maybe I just need a clone.


1/5/2011 11:21:39 AM

From - www.bloodletters.com/hackyourself.shtml

  by Michael Montoure



Hack Yourself.

You can be happy. You can live the life you want to live. You can become the person you want to be.

This is what I've figured out so far.
*******

Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning blame and leave the past behind you.

You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you, the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.

Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're not talking about something that is real and present and in your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.

I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything about yesterday.

You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day. Focus your energies there.

+ + +

“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to new people.” “I'm not attractive.”

I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes around themselves.

To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people; be attractive!

Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic of you to so easily say what you cannot do!

We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves, at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines between the points — we assume that just because we've done things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.

Screw that.

Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.

You don't have to keep doing the things you hate. Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going over and saying a few words to someone you find really attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?

+ + +

Find the demon.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice in the back of your head that's always whispering, “You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's something you want, you consult the demon first, to see if it will say, “You can't have that.”

What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything. It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening; it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It doesn't care.

Exorcise yourself.

You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do, please, the next time you hear that voice in your head, imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine, and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel on your way out to dance in the streets.

You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you that. You can.

+ + +

You don't exist.

You just think you do.

We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and strengths you've told yourself you have.

(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)

You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you. If you don't like the story your life has become — tell yourself a better one.

Think about the person you want to be and do what that person would do. Act the way that person would act.

Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person, people will start treating you like that person.

And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.

Welcome to your new self.

+ + +

You are a product of your environnent.

Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having something else to blame — but they tend to forget one important fact:

Humans are the masters of changing their environment.

What this means is that if your environment effects you, and you can effect your environment, then obviously, you can effect yourself.

* Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover — if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself, then your relationship with them needs to radically alter or it needs to end.

* Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals. Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't — that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could never change anything about your life. You can meet your goals. This is the new story.

Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house can really effect your state of mind for the better. But don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.

Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands before you know it.

And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.

* Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence. Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better. Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop sitting around watching television — it just means start doing the things that are good for you as well as the things that are bad for you, every so often. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal; go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting the things that make you feel better. You'll see.

* Your environment includes your appearance. If you're not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the person you want to be, then decide what that person is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about self-transformation — even the most primitive tribes understand the value of costumes and masks for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.

You are not an object. You are a system. Like with any system, if you change the inputs — change what goes into it — you'll change what comes out.

+ + +

Despite everything I've just said:

Self-examination can be paralysis.

Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a Tao thing.

It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that, “Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not a question the person you want to be would ask.

If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:

Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.

Just be happy.


12/27/2010 5:13:51 PM

For the record, a picture of just your penile chastity device for your profile pic is pretty much the same as a cock shot, only less interesting. I have yet to see one that wasn't poorly done and just kinda sad. I delete any profile with one from my "Who's Viewing Me" list automatically.

Is this REALLY the best you can do, guys? Please... try harder.


10/6/2010 11:56:36 PM
I got the drive to work!!!! (Yes, I know that's not kink related, but I'm excited, dammit!)
I did it, I did it, I did it did it did it!!!!
It's sad that it should be such a big deal to do what should be such a simple thing, but after all the technological chaos of late, this is a BIG BIG deal! I am considering getting very bold, and I'm going to try the freezer trick on the old drive, the tap trick if that doesn't work, and might even open it up if that fails too. I may get my data back yet!
I rock, I rock, I so very much rock. 1.5TB of space. Finally. Now I just have to learn how to ghost the old drive if it will boot one last time.

8/15/2010 10:54:53 PM

A thread on the message board really bothered me today. It occured to me that my reply sums up a lot of what I feel about relationships. I'm gonna post some of it here for future transparancy.

"If anyone is ever going to say "well, you got yourself into it" then why would ANYONE EVER want to play? The moment you consent to anything, you've 'gotten yourself into it' and it sounds like some folks view it as a blanket statent that means all bets are off. That just sounds like something vanilla people would say about everything we do.

Also, just because it's BDSM doesn't negate all relationship concerns - just because the problem occured in play, it's somehow not subject to the same values as the rest of a relationship?

This whole thing boils down to witholding.  That's passive agressive punishment, and he basically said so the next day - he knew what to do, he knew she needed it, and didn't want to give it because he had an issue with who's "job" it should be.

The moment being kind to me got labeled "job" or "responsiblity" a red flag would go off, just like it has for the OP.

If a partner will knowingly choose to deny their caring out of anger or jealousy or pettyness or anything else to punish them for something, there's no way to know when they will be angry again and do it later. We have to be able to trust that they will choose self-awareness of their feelings and act accordingly, reliably, or we just can't trust them at all. Aftercare isn't the problem - a person is either compassionate or not. He wasn't, and he made an infomed choice accordingly.

I would never be with someone who views basic human kindness as a job they can choose or not choose on a whim. I'm all for healthy boundaries - just divorced someone who would not get help for his chemical imbalances and such. I also know you don't just decide 'nah.. I'm annoyed with you so this crisis is not my problem' out of the blue with someone you claim to love.

Oh yeah.. we absolutely discussed this today, and thankfully, we both felt the same way about it. That 'not my responsibility' attitude is a cop out - there are other books Id reccomend here. All dealing with how to handle problems in a loving healthy way.

"The essence of all religions is love, compassion, and tolerance. Kindness is my true religion. The clear proof of a person’s love of God is if that person genuinely shows love to fellow human beings." ~ Dalai Lama


2/5/2010 4:13:39 PM
And for a little real life -
I'm reminding myself to be grateful that the van didn't pull this on a day when I had to work, and while I may hate doing car stuff in the rain, the alternative could have been brutal cold or snow, or both, so I am grateful for rain, too. And that I got the new charger way back when, even if I didn't need it for several months, and that I have a nice dry, solid concrete porch where I can charge it safely.
I'm also grateful that I had a dad who showed me lots of car stuff in the years I had him, so now I'm just annoyed by it, but not paralyzed and stranded.

Time to go get the breakfast I should have eaten 4 hours ago when I got up, and figure out what I'm wearing to watch DB play tonight. The blues band has a gig tonight.

12/29/2009 6:48:22 AM
loving these threads http://www.collarchat.com/m_2949175/tm.htm http://www.collarchat.com/m_2949175/tm.htm

12/26/2009 4:14:46 PM
Some guys are just so clueless.
Do they really think we Dommes don't ever talk?
This guy just sent the same copied/pasted email, word for word, to myself and a friend, within just a few minutes of each other. And worse, we both specify in our profiles that we are in relationships. Guess he doesn't consider them "true d's relationships."
Talk about a lazy, stupid waste of air.

Guess what, dude - you just failed before you even got started.

"Hello, I am a mid 40’s submissive slave man, I am kind and caring guy, fit and friendly, I am single , looking for a dominant woman in my life, looking for that relationship where the walls around my submissive soul come down and my slave heart comes forth for her, I understand this takes chemistry between the two and to feed off of each others energies , but non the less this is a true d’s relationship that I seek , hope to hear from you"

11/29/2009 3:34:22 PM
LadyPact wrote

-
"What really happens in a number of  cases, is males immediately tend to show one of several unattractive qualities before they even write a message:

Laziness - Either by lacking to read the profile of the person they are contacting or by sending some type of form letter.  If no effort can be invested in making an initial contact, how does that translate in what type of person he is?  Not to mention, no one wants a lazy submissive.

Lack of comprehension - Yes, people's definitions of words like "local" may very a bit, but nobody considers thousands of miles 'local'.  If I can't say something in a profile and have it paid attention to, how do I know I won't be ignored if I'm supposed to be the one in charge around here?

Inability to take direction/follow rules - This covers areas such as women who say they aren't interested in chatting, but receive chat requests, or for areas like online Domination.  If someone can listen to the bare minimum of what is acceptable, why would I want someone like that in My life. 

By the way, this isn't all on male submissives.  From what I understand, the female subs have the very same issues with some of the male Dominants who contact them.  Unlike Alexandra, I just don't have the patience for that 20 - 30 times a day."

10/8/2009 3:05:13 AM
"I'm selfish, impatient, & a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control & at times I'm hard to handle. but if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"
The immortal Marilyn Monroe

10/8/2009 3:01:31 AM
Real quick, while I am at home, without my playmate, but before my ambien makes me stupid, I need to update this to say that I am now a package deal - "BoyToy" finally gave in to his own kinky interests, and we've been playing interesting new games for a few weeks now. He is DarkBastard here on CM.

For right now, until we decide otherwise, we are sexually monogomous unless playing together with others. Meaning, specifically, neither of us plays with anyone else unless the other is there enjoying it too. We have some interest in finding friends, hanging out buddies, and potential occasional playmates, of both genders and various configurations of orientation, and of course, power balances.

DAMN but this has been fun!

10/2/2009 4:10:08 PM
Well, that was interesting.
I know there are intelligent, sane people who share this interest. We've talked to a couple so far. But mostly, we have been contacted by some scary strange people.

One was apparently stalking some guy who may or may not be on CM, contacted us both individually - him to ask if he was person X, then me to offer sub services/ask for a Yahoo messenger friendship, leading up to asking if my playmate was person X, and discussed meeting before informing us they think he IS person X and they don't want person X to know they are on here.
Um... contacting 2 total strangers out of the blue to say 'if you are this person, pretend I'm not here?'

Others seem more interested in becoming me. I've been there before, and it took on shades of Single White Female.

All of this is so interesting, but has such potential for freaky insane drama. I guess this is a rite of passage. Either we can navigate the waters of the scene, handle the crazies without drama, and sort who is safe, or we can't, in which case we shouldn't be playing with others yet.

I suppose I'm still learning where the edges of my power lie here. I know what I'd do if it was a person in my real life, but I keep stumbling over 'what is acceptable and polite with new people.'
I'll get over it.

9/4/2009 12:26:45 AM
How not to approach a Domina.
Example-


"Hello.....
How are you today?..
am ___ ___ i saw your profile.
i will like to know you better,
you can add me to your list to we can talk better.
_____@yahoo.com

i will like to hear you back.

_____."

"i will like to hear you back."
I can has kinky spank?

WTF?   Didn't ANYONE attend grade school?

7/26/2009 12:37:01 PM

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1098733/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1101206

I'll make this simple. Don't write me unless you've read my full profile, and if you read my full profile right now, that should easily include the first journal entry. In which case, you will have read the forum post above, and will have some clue how to approach me without my thinking you are a complete twit.

I hereby expect an end to the stupid emails, and officially state that any message that does not refer to me as Domina will be deleted without a reply.

So there. Neyahhhhh.

7/1/2009 11:39:13 PM
I'm pondering a conversation I had
earlier today. It was fine, but I realized that I've become so used to a certain behavior that I
expect it, and was trying to head it off. I don't want to turn mean from all this, but I'm finding my interest in this potentially fun activity soured by it.
 
I suppose the problem is subs who top from
the bottom…from the first email. Men who want to write me and want me to give
them my attention, but who offer very little incentive. They don't seek to be
interesting - they just expect me to be interested in Dominating them because
they want to be Dominated. They want. They need.

Whatever. Almost sounds like marriage. Gimmie gimmie gimmie...

I am currently sort of seeing someone. It's
pretty vanilla, but we are discussing some interesting options. He's not a
sissy, nor is he the big strong powerfully dominant type. He's just a really
sweet, kind person, and I enjoy him in and out of bedroom.

So, if I am drawn to BDSM, why am I dating
someone who isn't heavily into it, and why am I so easily annoyed/put of by
those who are? Shouldn't I automatically have a lot more in common with them?
 
Short answer - no.

Medium answer - if the person themself
bores me, no amount of kink will turn me on.

Long answer - I find that most of those
people who approach me because we have similar interests here seem to have
almost no interests outside of it, or at least no interest in discussing
anything else. The conversation seems to inevitably swing right to "I want
to make you cum" and the various details thereof, and no amount of effort
can get much else from them. It's all about what they want to wear, what they
want ME to wear, what they want to do or have done to, etc. While all that is great, and really is a
favorite topic with someone that turns me on, turning me on does require a
little more than remedial level gutter talk. I need some connection, and
connection requires mental stimulation. Meaning - the ability to make
conversation about a lot of things. Meaning - don't be fucking boring!

Engage my mind. Intrigue me. Seduce
me. Have SOMETHING to offer. Lots of guys can mow my lawn. Plenty of them are pretty. A few of them are
even funny. The smart funny ones get replies. The rest get deleted.

I can see having someone with whom I just
play Domme. I can see letting someone come do menial tasks in exchange for some
well placed insults and I can see making the effort to learn the correct way to
use my buggy whip on someone who then sits at my feet quietly while I read. But
I just can't see how I get there with someone who bores the shit out of me, and
most of these guys do. It's like talking to a drunk high school boy who's
learned some new dirty talk and wants to try it out. Sheesh. If that is the
limit of their depth, then I'm drowning in shallow people. I need more - if I
feel like you are just wanting jerk-off fodder, then why would I waste my time?
I can do better. (There will be an entirely separate blog about twits who are
looking to have me invest my money as well as my time to fulfill their sub
fantasies for free , but not tonight.)

Its somewhat insulting. If this is the best
they offer, and they think they deserve me, is this the best they feel I
deserve? ::insert eye roll here:::

It really does remind me of Secretary - she
was introduced to the idea by someone cultured. Someone with taste and a
certain elegance, despite their flaws. Then she had to try to find it again,
and was bombarded by crude, stupid and just plain uninteresting masses.

So what to do about it?

"Boytoy" plays bass, likes many
of the movies I like, knows what places have good Indian food, appreciates a
good tea, and understand that "life sucks" should be replied to with
an Olympic quality hug. He can sit on the porch and just hug me-while his hands
and mind are seldom still, we can be still together. We can talk music and food
and movies and books and why Watchmen was or was not a good interpretation of
the graphic novel. And THEN we end up talking bondage tape and corsets and
suchlike.

I guess I need to be patient and do the
seducing, entice him with my wiles, and draw out his alternative interests. It
will be the reverse of my problem - trying to get dirty talk out of someone who
doesn't automatically go there. I suppose it will be a challenge, but I don't
see him becoming dull everywhere else while it happens.

Raise the bar, people. Gotta raise the bar.
Service has to be more than just wearing heels and scrubbing - it's giving what
she wants, and I want a thinker!

5/19/2009 12:25:21 AM
It's always nice to know what you can count on.
No matter where you go, no matter the intent of the site or the content therein, there are always people who don't understand the value of a first impression.....

Learn to type, people. You will be graded on spelling and punctuation.
(And no, baggy boxers and a slack, zombielike expression are NOT attractive... ew.)

Make a fucking effort, people!

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