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sirsholly
| Hetero Female, 34, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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!!!!!Happily married to my Master!!!!!
I am here for the forums and the friends...
Best of luck in your journey!!!
~My beloved is mine, and I am his~ - song of solomon2:6
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3/12/2012 8:10:30 AM: Sooo....typical day. Hubby left the kitchen windows open while he took a nap to recover from an exhausting morning of slumber. The thunderstorm that failed to wake his snoring ass soaked the walls, curtains, floor, and one highly pissed off cat. Guess who got to clean it up? Then....i went to the kids school to help sling slop. The regular kitchen staff (an awesome Italian lady) is on a vacation so four (yes...four. Shuddup) of us attempted to do her job. I was in charge of the veggies. The veggie of the day was green beans. The canned kind. I plugged in the can opener, drained, heated, buttered and served. The kids HATED them. Come on...they're freakin' beans!! So...I got home (in the downpour) carefully wiped my feet on the welcome mat that says 'Come back with a warrant', and immediately stepped in cat barf. Before i knew it, i was slip-sliding my way across the living room, tracking puke over the majority of the carpet. I cussed rather loudly and hubby either ignored my bellowing ass or... Okay...no 'or' about it. He ignored my bellowing ass. Once the floor and the vomit were cleaned up and the Fabreeze was sprayed to my satisfaction, i realized it was time to feed the LoudOnes horse. He likes oats (the horse...not the LoudOne). He likes oats in a bucket. A galvanized bucket. Don't ask me why it has to be galvanized. I do not speak Horse and saw no real need to delve into his psyche. I mean...come on...this ain't Mr. Ed. So...i put on the Wellington boots that i failed to bring in the night before. I also failed to dump the several inches of rather cold rain water out before putting them on. That freakin water was freezing, causing me to cuss...again. Need i tell you Jim ignored me...again? So...bucket of oats in hand, i slosh my ass to the pasture to feed the beast. He saw me coming and stood patiently away from the gate so i could fiddle with the silly assed lock Jim installed and swears works perfectly...or would if i knew the proper way to jiggle the silly thing. After a few moments of cussing and jiggling, jiggling and cussing (more cussing than jiggling, i would say) and being ignored by hubby (surprise!) i did the usual and hauled my ass up and over the split-rail fence. Y'all know this is not going to end well, don't ya? Now...one should ALWAYS be careful when one vaults a fence in a pasture following a thunderstorm, since the resulting mud can bear a striking resemblance to horse poop. Also, one should NEVER jump off of the top rail without looking at what one was jumping into (shuddup). And an FYI...you think cat puke is slippery? It can't hold a manure-scented candle to the travel power supplied by horse shit. Amazingly, when i landed on my ass (in a less than dignified position) i did not spill the oats (i would call that a previously undiscovered talent.) Another thing i did not do was get up, because the moronic horse hoofed it over and stuck his head in the bucket i was holding on my lap. And in case you're wondering...telling a horse to hurry the fuck up will NOT result in a faster intake of his nutritional supplement. I was a wee bit annoyed at this point, but why bother cussing? It's not like anyone would listen to me. So...i felt a shower might be in order but needed to hose off before heading into the house. I dreaded this because we have a well and lemme tell ya... that well water is freezing. But...trooper that i am... i fearlessly turned on the hose and.........where in the hell was the water? Nothing. Nada. I felt the hose vibrate a little so there WAS water in the well (thank goodness) and experience told me it should be squirting out of the nozzle thingy i was holding. Then i noticed the nozzle thingy was twisted on rather strangely. Strangely as in i TOLD the LoudOne he is not to play with the hose EVER but does he listen to me? NOOOOooooooooo..... nobody does. So...i unscrew the nozzle and realize almost immediately what the problem was (You might want to pay attention as this may be information you need one day). It seems when a five year old crams a pine cone into a hose, the hose will not function. I did not think this was cute. Okay.....i got a pair of needle nosed pliers from the toolbox Jim swears he will use someday and began the extraction. Just a slight tug was all it took for the water pressure to send that puppy flying with the speed of a SCUD missile. It must have been my lucky day because it missed putting my eye out by at least 2-3 centimeters. Unfortunately the valve hickey (the red thing i should have closed before the pine cone removal) was opened all the way, causing the hose to dance around like a cobra on meth. I was not amused in the least. So...i clean up outside...make a mental note to put the LoudOne in time-out until he is in his late 70's...annnnd head into the house for a warm shower with plenty of soap. Thanks to the squeaky old hardwood floors it can be necessary to tip-toe down the hallway in the event someone (Jim) is sleeping. I wanted to know if tip-toeing was necessary so i quietly opened the bedroom door and bellowed 'YA UP YET????????!!!!' I hate it when he wakes up grumpy....sheeeesh.
12/13/2010 10:37:03 AM: So...it is that time of year again. Amid the joyous cheer of the festive holiday celebration lies the dreaded....CHRISTMAS PROGRAM. This year i am trying to work with 18 preschoolers. They are a joy on an individual basis, but put their little butts in a group and the fucking joy goes right out the window. I am terrorized by the little shits, but a stoic front must be presented or they will chew me up and spit me out, and my kid would be the head chomper. Now...two years ago the LoudOne was a Shepherd. He looked so darn cute in his shepherding duds, but he was banned from that role when we saw just what havoc he could cause with a shepherds staff. He took out his fellow sheep herders, slammed the costumed donkey in the ass, and nearly beheaded the Virgin Mary. The following year he was an angel. He looked so...angelic...until he upchucked grape Koolaid on his angel gown, then tried to clean it up with Baby Jesus's swaddling clothes. This year...oh the thrill of getting to report that he has the lead in the play 'The King of Kings.' He is the King. The head dude. He is God. He is also the only one that fit into the costume, but that is beside the point. He is as proud of himself as he could possibly be, and only slightly less proud than is his mommy. That is..until the dress rehearsal this morning. The play is sweet. It is the manger scene with Mary, Joseph, the wise men, shepherds, et al, and the closing is the entrance of the King of Kings (God, played by the LoudOne). The end of the play is God smiling down on the flocks, pleased that they are celebrating the birth of His son. God is to raise his pudgy little arms halfway, in a gesture of praise. That is what was SUPPOSED to happen. That is what SHOULD have happened. That is what WOULD have happened if the role was given to someone else's kid. But NOOOOooooooo.... The spotlight (a high powered flashlight that some poor dad is really going to miss during the next power failure) shines on the King of Kings, waiting for him to smile gently, raise his arms slightly, and look serene. That is what the script said. My kid thought the script needed a rewrite. The spotlight was focused on him, and the arms went up...and up...and up. Annnnnd the feet started to move. Get a mental image, if you will, of Rocky Balboa after racing up the stairs at the Philadelphia Museum of Art...hands over his head and jumping up and down in a victory dance. The LoudOne did add his own personal touch to the God/Rocky shuffle, and that was bellowing 'GO ME!!' right before someone had the sense to turn off the spotlight. The little dude was so into his role that his golden crown slipped down over his eyes, causing temporary blindness which resulted in the other 17 pipsqueaks running for cover. They made it to safety right before the LoudOne tripped over a hay bale and landed dangerously close to the Star of Bethlehem. His teacher, who is an awesome lady and as unflappable as they come, put her head down on the piano and...shook? I felt terrible that, after 30 years of teaching, the poor woman was reduced to tears by my offspring. But, as it turns out, she was laughing so hard she was on the verge of falling off of her chair. There are two more dress rehearsals prior to the big event. Send help. Please.
11/25/2010 6:04:41 AM: Have a happy and safe holiday everyone! There is SO much to be thankful for...
7/16/2010 3:12:55 AM:
I admit i was thrilled that the LoudOne actually listened to The
Concert in Central Park and was loving Simon and Garfunkel (aka Shrimpy
and the Hair). My baby was ROCKIN' OUT to The Boxer! I mean...dayyyy-um, he got down with his BAD self! Myyyyy boy!! 'Course...for those of you unfortunates who don't know the words... Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job But I get no offers, Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there Lie la lie ... In the clearing stands a boxer And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of ev'ry glove that layed him down Or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame "I am leaving, I am leaving" But the fighter still remains Lie la lie ... Then he stopped the BabyBoogie to ask "Mommm...whassa whore?" I admit i told him Paul Simon has a lisp and was really saying "horse". oh shaddup...what the hell would YOU have said?
6/3/2010 4:00:52 AM: The truest definition of StuckOnStupid is offering to run a dress
rehearsal for eight 3yr olds ready to sing "The Bee And Me" at the
parents-night program. They were all dressed as little wee bees with
little wee wings and hats with little stingers. Letting them have the hats was a mistake.
The only thing they had to do was line up and sing. Thats it. I did not
ask them to stand at freakin' attention. I did not ask them to stand in
a straight line. I did not even ask them not to sing off-key. All i
wanted the pint-sized poops to do was line up and sing, damnit! But NOOOOOOoooooooo.
They choose to ignore the one-armed crazy lady who was trying not to
cuss, because it was way more enjoyable to take off their hats and jab
each other in the butt with the attached stingers.
So...after several good jabs resulted in several bent stingers, i wised
the hell up and made them hand over the hats...and hand them over FAST. So...back to the fucking bumblebee song. But NOOOOOOOoooooo.
The issue now? I had a stage full of eight highly pissed off 3 yr olds
who had no intention of following the directions of the one who caused
their enjoyment to be shot in the ass (no pun intended). They just stood there with their little arms folded across their chests (except for the third kid on the right who had his index finger crammed up his nose).
I was in the process of taking yet another deep breath when a teeny
tiny 2 yr old wandered onto the stage. The child was simply adorable,
dressed as a thundercloud and leaving a trail of cloud-fuzz in his
wake. He decided to rest his fluffy tush on the end of the
stage...plopping down to take a load off. Fine. I was busy with the
bumblebee crap and really didn't pay any more attention to him. That was a mistake.
The little thundercloud suddenly decided he was bored with sitting,
picking and spitting out cloud-fuzz. So.. he turned his attention to
the silver lightening bolt he carried. Actually i should say he DIVIDED
his attention between the lightening bolt and the rump of the bee
closest to him. That particular bee just so happened to be my son.
Yanno...keep your eyes open to your children and you will learn
something new about them on a daily basis. Todays discovery is that the
LoudOne does not appreciate a whack in the tush with a lightening bolt.
Nope...not one bit. So...since the boys were finally singing that ridiculous song (and the third kid on the right finally got whatever he was fishing for)
i quietly headed to the opposite end of the stage to remove the
lighting bolt from Mr. Cloud and send him on his rainy way. But
NOOOOOOOOoooooo... i was too slow. While i was busy noting the
booger-picker completed his mission, the LoudOne reached behind him and
removed his bee wings. He then took the wings and slapped the
thundercloud upside the head. Of course this was noticed by the other
seven, who were rather dismayed that they themselves did not realize
they could beat the snot out of each other with their own wings. This
situation was quickly remedied, wings were torn off and the
free-for-all began.
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