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Pan Female Submissive, 38,  Across the wide, Vanuatu
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Update Apr 3, 2018 For those kind DomsDommes still interested, Im still stable, but constantly tired. Working my way into a groove, I suppose.

Update Jan. 1, 2018 Hi, yall, and HNY! My guard docs grudgingly granted me a sip of rum tonight! (So I sneaked in two more.) Im feeling a welcome and well-deserved lil buzz tonight. Some say Im medically stable, but really its just a welcome pause - nature will hit the dreaded resume button at some point. I am still processing that submissive (slave?) self within me, and what that means. Is she really dead, or did she just know to leave and let me focus on whats going on with my body? Shell probably not tell me until the end, but thats ok - I just love her to death! (Yes, I see what I did there.) I am still seeing the occasional message from some of You wonderful, caring DomsDommes out there. Its not likely I will respond, except here, in my profile. Its just that that subslave girl is, at best, sleeping. But I still treasure the time we had online.

Update Oct 1, 2017 This is Sylvia with a guarded update on Annas current state. She is undergoing multiple therapies and treatments that have ravaged her body, mind, and spirit. I asked her yesterday about this profile. Her precise response was I give ZERO fucks about all that. Burn it! I gently convinced her to allow me to send out this update, as she continues to receive messages here from caring BDSMers asking about her condition. (If you are sending messages to her other email address, note that she is not physically able to read them, and I do not have access to it.) Anna has expressly forbidden me from giving out more ination about her condition.

Update 8-05-2017 My medical recovery is not assured, and my submissive desires seem to be dead or (fingers crossed) hibernating. To the few wonderful Doms Ive been in contact with, I urge you to move on. I (and Miss Sylvia) will still sniff around here occasionally, she perhaps out of curiosity, me out of nostalgia. But theres really no longer anything to see here, folks. Best move along. xoxo.

Update 7-20-2017 Not doing well. Please, no well wishing. Thanks.

Update 6-21-2017 I have been hit with an out-of-the-blue medical issue, so Im taking an extended time-out from CollarSpace.

Update 3-22-2017 I just committed to taking a huge change in my work life, and its going to take monstrous amounts of time for the next few months. (But it pays SO well!) For all you lovely Doms and Domme who have engaged me, taught me, Dommed me - Icuntikitslut will not be available as much as I submit to my vanilla world employers needs and demands for awhile. Ill try to explain more later, if I have time.



Original Profile - Feb 23, 2017 -

Im somewhere between bewildered and terrified about this. Ive been vanilla, but Im changing. Almost zero experience. Ive been reading journals profiles here for several months. Finally got the nerve to sign up. I think I need a competent, experienced Dom (or Domme?) to show me the ropes. And the paddles and floggers. And, and ...

Ive been asked several times what Im seeking in this lifestyle. To be precise, I say Im seeking My True Self, and that journey has (so far) taken me to BDSM. Whether this is a destination or a way-stop is impossible to say. Right now, I hope its a destination.

Im not married, no kids. I used to think I was only into Men, but my eye has been straying to other Women lately. I just want someone to take control. Well, I think thats what I want. Im a confused mess.

I was blocking any thoughts of kink from as long as I can remember, because I couldnt make sense of them. Then about in 2010 a guy had me watch a classy BDSM film in French - no subtitles. Thats when things started to make sense, if thats the right term. Im only in the past year starting to accept my yearnings. (Update that was a 1975 film called The Image or alternatively Punishment of Anne. I just found a bootleg copy dubbed into English. After 7 years, I can finally understand the dialogue.)Ok, apparently I need to put this part in bold type It will probably be a long while before Im ready to expose myself by photos, meetings, etc. I know that my refusal will result in pointed fingers and calls of Fake! Meh, Im good with that.

If you presume to bark orders and commands in your first message, youre going to get blocked. (Well, except regarding how you would like me to address you and myself in correspondence. Im generally happy to oblige.) Second, if you send a generic, one-line (or four-line) message, I consider it to be spam, and I will report it as such. Some folk believe that every message deserves a response. I am not among them. Also, for now I need to stick to communicating only by CS email - no chats, external email, Skype, kik, etc.

Unless you explicitly say otherwise in your profile, I feel its improper for a sub to send the first message. Its part of an old-fashioned value system I may need to change. I apologize.

Apparently I need to add this I cannot currently relocate, but will most certainly do so in a few years.

I lost - drove away - another Dom tonight. I can and do offer my deep self when I trust you, but I see a pattern. A Dom naturally wants more, wants proof, wants that secret I hide. And when I decline, then refuse, the Dom rejects me. I actually do get that - if I were a Dom I might do the same. So I suppose this is a caveat. I cannot be cajoled far.

If youve gotten this far, perhaps youll keep going, reading my journal entries. I hope so, and I think youll enjoy them more if you read them in order - earliest to latest. I know its a pain to click through, back to the first ones I wrote, but I think youll enjoy them - my brief journey - more that way. Thanks for reading, and best to you all!!

Username:

Description:

City:

Country:

Height:

Weight:

Age:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Joined:

 AnnaWondering

 Submissive Female

 Across the wide 

 Vanuatu

 5' 7"

 145 lbs

 38

 Pan

 Caucasian

 02/23/17

 

 Lives For:

 Watersports

 Liberal Politics

 Loves:

 Anal Play (Beginner)

 Breast Play (Beginner)

 Cane / Crop Discipline (Beginner)

 Collars

 Humiliation / Degradation (Beginner)

 Mental Bondage

 Obedience Training

 Spanking (Beginner)

 Strap-Ons (Beginner)

 Vibrators

 Likes:

 Begging

 Body Worship (Beginner)

 Bondage

 Corner Time

 Eye Contact Restrictions

 Being Massaged

 Foot Worship

 Gags (Beginner)

 Hair Pulling

 Leashes

 Massage (Giving)

 Oral Service (Beginner)

 Speech Restrictions

 Poetry

 Polyamory

 Tolerates:

 Blindfolds

 Enemas (Beginner)

 Suspension Bondage (Beginner)

 Wax Play (Beginner)

 Curious About:

 Chastity

 Dilation

 Electrical Play

 Medical Play

 Objectification

 Orgasm Control

 Outdoor Bondage

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Sensory Deprivation

 Uniforms

 Vacuum Stimulation

 Whips

 Intellectual Discourse

 1950s Lifestyle

 Gorean Lifestyle

 Lifestyle BDSM

 Old Guard

 Victorianism

 Dislikes:

 Cages

 Corsets (Beginner)

 Crossdressing

 Diapers

 Local BDSM Community

 Public Exhibition

 Domestic Service

 Housework Service

 Maid / Butler Service

 Plastic Wrap Bondage

 Role Playing (Beginner)

 Rubber Fetish

 Shibari

 Theatrical Scenes

 Libertarian Politics

 Female Supremacy

 Goth Lifestyle

 Hates:

 Gas Masks

 Hoods

 Needle Play

 Tickling

 Conservative Politics

 Hard Limits:

 Fire Play

 Fisting

 Knife Play

 Public Play

 Astrology

 Veganism

 Scientology

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Journal Entries:
1/13/2022 11:28:11 PM

I just got a kind message about my health, and I realize I have not provided an update recently. I still have medical issues that may or may not affect my future. 


11/27/2021 11:57:03 PM

I am so thankful to be more or less back.
Thank You for all the lovely messages.
They touch me deeply.
Anna, really


1/16/2018 10:09:38 PM
Vanuatu seems so exotic, as a name and a destination. Wish I could see it. I may be under the influence writing this. Oh well.

12/8/2017 12:20:23 AM
Update Dec 8, 2017: Surprise! This is Anna! Nope, not dead yet. But I've seen that dark train lurking, smirking, licking his chops to take me. He will eventually succeed, but my chances now (according to the doctors) are better that it will be later rather than sooner. But my BDSM submissive self seems to have bitten the dust, kicked the bucket. I look kindly, fondly at those old days not so long ago, but I don't miss them - even if I do miss each of You wonderful Doms who cared, and maybe even still care. Part of who I was is back; part of who I was is dead; part of who I was is wondering where the fuck I'm headed. But we'll always have CollarSpace. Well, except when it's offline - Geez, CS, git your act together! I may resume posting here, or I may die. Either way, I'll roll the dice. Thanks SO much for those of you who have clung on.

6/30/2017 8:21:14 PM
Hi, this is Anna. I've finally been reunited with my computer and have some surprise strength and a rare calm moment to type a journal. First, I am SO grateful to Miss Sylvia, and to all of you who have offered support. (But please read what I said in Miss Sylvia's latest post here today.) I'm comfortable tonight after endless days of tortuous and torturous tests, but those are done for now, for the weekend.

My submissive self is submerged, perhaps drowned. The idea of the "lifestyle" still fascinates me, but I don't yearn for it as my former healthy selves did. And I have no time for it now anyway. Miss Sylvia has convinced me not to cancel my account here - she thinks I have an interesting story. So I will leave my old submissive sketches for kinky folk to stumble upon. Miss Sylvia or I may occasionally sign on to see who's peeking at my profile, see what bizarre messages I still get. And I (or Miss Sylvia) may update my medical state on occasion. But, really, y'all should seek your dreams elsewhere. I'm not her.

Anna, Wondering about other stuff these days

6/30/2017 12:06:30 PM
Hello, fellow Anna enthusiasts, "Sylvia" here again. Anna is unable to sign on today, but in a visit with her she realized that some friends and family might recognize her from some of her postings here on CS, especially her eclectic musical interests she has mentioned and her current medical state. She concluded that it would be better for her to remove references to her location shown here on CS.

I asked Anna what I might share of her medical issues. We agreed to this: Anna is in the care of some of the best medical staff at an outstanding facility (We know, as we both work there!) who have direct access to even greater resources nationwide. The doctors are awaiting a few test results (expected Tuesday) to finalize treatment options.

Anna composed this message to her well-wishers here on CS: "Please know that I am grateful for your various offers of support, but I choose to keep counsel only with relatively few family and close friends."

Finally, a note on my access to Anna's account here on CS. I am here on Anna's behalf, and at her request. I read your messages (without flagging them as read) only when Anna is unable to do so herself (like today). Some of you also exchange messages with her via her external email account. I do not have access to that account, so those messages will be private, but will remain unread by anyone until Anna is able to log into her account there.

5/26/2017 10:45:27 PM
This evening I was watching a recent indie film (one I had high hopes for, but it disappointed). Near the end, a young man finally realized his innate uber-Dom nature, and told an older woman "I want you to kneel ... Kneel before me." I perked up at those words, and my pussy immediately started drooling like Pavlov's dog. The scene was really well done. (I'm not giving away the movie title, because I don't want to spoil it.) The woman hesitated, conflicted, but after several seconds, she conceded, and dropped to her knees, head bowed. Then he commanded, "Now crawl to me." If you've read my earlier journals, you know I've become quite accustomed to crawling over the past few months. My knees are calloused. But her crawling stunned me. She didn't crawl on hands and knees - she crawled on elbows and knees - arms extended, palms flat downward in front of her. It was a revelation! Her vision is terribly restricted, and it is just SO much more demeaning! My pussy was drooling like a leaky garden hose! I was watching naked, wearing my now-standard belt collar, and when the scene was over, my head was reeling, and I had to try it. I dropped to my hands and knees, then to my elbows. I changed her routine slightly - I extended my arms forward, but with my palms up. Then I started crawling around the house. So much better than hands and knees! More exertion, more humbling, more abrasions on the elbows, unable to see very high.

Crawling 2.0 - a better submissive experience!

5/14/2017 8:10:43 PM
I've finally had a few blessed hours to myself tonight - no urgent telephone consultations, no arguments, no arbitrations, no mediations! Hello, rum & cola! I'm dreaming of having an exorcism of my demons (aka family issues) tonight: long hard spanking, flogging, fucking, sucking - the whole gamut. Make me scream the demons out of me! Then lather, rinse, repeat! Set my soul to smolder, my pussy to feel like sopping wet flames. Make my ass hotter than a griddle, my back like a bbq grill. Will the last guy out the door please make sure the lights are out? Oh, better set my alarm - must be at work tomorrow like a proper professional. Update: My mention of arbitrations and mediations has led some to presume I'm a lawyer. No - I was referring to discussions with family members regarding our current issue.

5/11/2017 9:07:18 PM
Some serious (non-BDSM) issues hit me square in the face/gut today, and I likely will have to suspend my time searching/interacting here on CS. I'll still be checking in, but I urge you not to try messaging me until I can come back fully focused. Good spanks to all.

5/3/2017 11:05:06 PM
So, there are some crazy folk here. (Ok, maybe me too.) Here's an extended conversation I had with a nut-job. Read from the bottom up.

AnnaWondering on 5/4/17 at 12:42 AM: Nope, got a vag and tits and a brain. What do you have?

conFIRMxxx on 5/4/17 at 12:40 AM: Oh yes, I forgot, you are one of those pathetic female impersonators, gay but lacking courage to admit it. So, just get a life dude and come out.

AnnaWondering on 5/4/17 at 12:39 AM: Dumbass, look at our messaging history. Geez, you're pathetic!

conFIRMxxx on 5/4/17 at 12:36 AM: Hello and how are you doing? Do you agree that erotic chat is a great way to get to know each other better? If so I'll stimulate your mind and body. Age(0ver 18) and size doesn't matter.And if erotica is not your thing, vanilla will be just fine. What do you think?

(Note that he totally forgot we had exchanged words before he next messaged me.)

AnnaWondering on 3/19/17 at 7:54 AM: My guess as well, lil dick.

conFIRMxxx on 3/19/17 at 6:07 AM: and a smallish cock, I would guess.

AnnaWondering on 3/19/17 at 6:01 AM: Ah yes, another pathetic cunt pretending to be a Dom. Hey, cunt, get a life.

conFIRMxxx on 3/19/17 at 5:45 AM: ah yes, another pathetic man pretending to be a woman. Hey dude, get a life.

5/3/2017 9:55:32 PM
So, I got this message from a "gentleman" who I have not had any contact with - I hadn't viewed his profile, and he hasn't viewed mine (according to CS). Until now, we have exchanged no messages whatsoever.

From: EventHorizon2017

Dated: 5/3/17 8:50 PM     

What an ASSHOLE.

Yep, that's the entirety of our interaction. And he blocked me from responding. wtf? (My response wasn't going to be a rant. It was going to be "Huh? How have I offended you?")

I am amused and confused.

4/28/2017 9:21:39 PM
I actually have the weekend off from work! I got caught up with all the crazy extraneous project demands from upper management (standard in this line of work), and I'm 4 days ahead of schedule. Yay!

Sylvia insisted we celebrate by having me over for dinner and an overnight stay. (She also insists we're to be "collegial" tonight & tomorrow - no Dom/sub.) Still, we're all naked. That makes the evening flow more freely. She invited Calvin & Jane, her friends from the first evening I spent here - when she busted me as "Anna Wondering". (You remember reading my journal recounting that, right?) It turns out Calvin & Jane are actually mainstays in the local BDSM community - organizing munches, play parties and the like. They were here the first time to help Sylvia "size me up". We (Sylvia, Bob, Calvin, Jane, and I) spent some time in their cozy hot-tub before Bob exited to finish preparing dinner. (He, as usual, was not entirely naked. Yes - in his padlocked cock cage.)

I really felt free tonight as I shuffled out of my work clothes and out of my work Dom mode just to enjoy good (also naked) company, drink a lil wine, eat some wonderful bbq, tell stories. Lots of touching, too - what Sylvia says reminded her of a 60's hippie gathering. We took turns lying on the couch, feet in one lap, head in another. Feet get rubbed (omg!), head gets stroked (also omg!). Only rule was not to touch the naughty bits - this was about relaxation, not engorgement. Slow breathing, not fast.

Later, after Calvin & Jane left and Sylvia & Bob were nearing retiring, I pleaded with Sylvia to let me guzzle up their last golden voids of the night, even though I'm not supposed to be subbing tonight. After some negotiation, she relented somewhat and let me take a single mouthful from her. (None from Bob.) After that, she kissed me deeply, hugged the breath out of me, and went to bed. I'm up for a few more minutes, finishing this journal, finishing my last rum & cola. Then I'll brush my teeth, wash my face, and head to bed, hopeful to dream such naughty dreams, full of whips, floggers, clamps, restraints, thrusts, screams (of joy and pain). The list goes on. Good night, all. I'll conjure up some of You (You know who You are!) in my dreams.

Anna, filled with wonder

4/24/2017 11:12:35 PM
My job has made me her bitch these last two weeks, but that has forced me to be a super Dom at work. (I LOVE the paradox!) I presented at a meeting of the big muckity mucks today, and I fucking nailed it! They now believe I walk on water (professionally speaking). My rush/high thrills me...

But I still know, deep, deep inside, that my future lies in submission, perhaps in slavery. Tonight life is my bitch; but I yearn to be life's bitch - Your bitch.

I'm a fucking mess tonight, but in a good way. I have the workday off tomorrow. Not sure how I'll spend it. But tonight, I'm a lil drunk on rum, naked save my house slippers and belt collar. I can do this! (Well, now I need to figure out what "this" is that I can do.)

Anna, happy, giggling, still wondering

4/14/2017 9:53:06 PM
I found this quote on another CS profile last night, and it just resonates!

"Submission is not a gift; it is an obligation."

I think this is yet another fundamental challenge in my journey.

The quote comes from a former/hidden CS member whose username I won't reveal, since she has deleted/hidden it. Her archived profile says she is a female slave in California.

4/11/2017 9:36:13 PM
I found this quote on another website tonight, and it hit me squarely in my gut.

"Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you."

I think this is the fundamental challenge in my journey.

Here may be the original link to that quote: https://masterjonathanfield.com/2013/09/04/commitment-means-staying-loyal/


4/9/2017 6:15:00 PM
Good evening, Anna watchers. This is "Sylvia" reporting for Anna once again. I awakened at 2:27 A.M. to hear Anna trying to muffle her crying. I stepped out of bed and laid down partially under my bed to check on her well-being. She explained that she had just emptied her aching bladder and felt the hot piss engulfing her diaper, being held to her by the plastic. After a few more words (I'll let Anna write more - she does so with such grace and eloquence.) she said "Miss Sylvia, this, right here, is where I'm supposed to be! I know it now!" It was the first time she had used the honorific "Miss" to me, and I was/am thrilled. Then she said "Good night, Miss Sylvia. I'll be good bound here until morning. Thank you, Miss Sylvia." As I climbed back into bed, I confess I needed a tissue to dab my eyes as well.

"Bob" and I were up at 7 o'clock to begin our day, and Anna was sleeping soundly (snoring!) beneath the bed. As promised, we pulled her out at 8 o'clock and made a hilarious trip to the shower, successfully avoiding spilling any of her golden issue on my lovely hardwood floors. We spent the day exposing her to even more experiences and talking frankly about how she is feeling about her slave potential. (I will leave it to her to explain that.) I finally released her from her weekend collar just before dinner tonight and explained she should begin "decompressing" before bed, get a good night's sleep (She estimates she only got about 3 hours total last night.), and be ready for her dominant role at work tomorrow. She had a double rum just now and went into the primary guest bedroom for a shower and bed - tonight she sleeps on/in it, not under it!

I'm pouring myself a third glass of wine and still feeling frisky though. I think I'll play with "Bob" for awhile. But I should gag him so his howls and screams don't wake Anna.

4/8/2017 11:04:26 PM
"Sylvia" here for the last entry tonight. Anna broke into tears as we fitted her with her diaper! But she didn't waver! Her belly is full of piss that will soon move to her bladder and explode outside her in the hours to come. "Bob" and I are tucked in, as is Anna below us. The lights are off, and I am soon to sleep. I will learn tomorrow how or if Anna slept.

4/8/2017 8:50:21 PM
Good evening, Anna fans. "Sylvia" here once again. Anna arrived promptly at six o'clock, and I explained to her that she is to be fully submissive to me until Monday morning. She was surprised at not being given the option to choose, but she was/is agreeable. It was my pleasure to slowly undress her and lock an old leather dog collar around her neck. We discussed objectives and goals for tonight and tomorrow over a wonderful meal prepared by "Bob". (He is also naked and collared, save for his sandals and cock cage. I'm in bliss!)

I am propped up in bed now typing, and Anna is on her back underneath, harnessed in something "Bob" invented for himself when I first was training him to sleep under the bed a few years ago. She has an old duvet under her, while her wrists are bound by a spreader bar fastened to her neck, and her ankles are also bound by a spreader bar. (It is a safety precaution to NOT bind her wrists and ankles directly to the bedposts, in the event she might experience a choking event or panic attack while immobilized.) I put her in this position at 8 o'clock, and she will remain until midnight, when I release her to pee and evaluate how she is responding. If she shows the resilience I believe is in her, I will then put her back in place while "Bob" and I go to sleep above her. She will then remain immobilized until 8 o'clock tomorrow morning.

I just read the above to Anna aloud, but I'm not telling her this part: At her midnight break, she will drink all of my and Bob's golden fountain. She will then be placed in a diaper which will be wrapped in plastic. She will piss herself overnight.

4/8/2017 11:03:39 AM
Good afternoon, Anna fans. "Sylvia" here. I am delighted (or "plumb tickled" in the local vernacular) to announce that Anna has accepted my instruction to experience a full twelve hours of bondage beneath my bed tonight. She has a lengthy status report to finish for delivery at work on Monday morning, so I have insisted she complete it today, that she may present herself at my door at six o'clock this evening. She will stay with me and "Bob" Sunday night as well, saving her forty minutes of drive time Monday morning by leaving here directly for work.

We are exploring whether she may move in with us full-time, whether we are compatible. I have made it clear to her that I am in fact grooming her for the slave position she believes she craves, but I am also very mindful to ensure that she understand exactly what she could be getting herself into. Our process is deliberately paced. I retire from work in a little over two years, and any arrangement we might come to before then is subject to that condition.

What about "Bob", you ask? While he doesn't get a vote, he admits he is excited about the prospect of orally pleasing TWO horny women. In order to prepare him for the possibilities, I have relegated him once again to full-time chastity- he is back wearing his cock cage 24/7.

4/7/2017 10:53:56 PM
I have decided I likely want to submit full-time to Sylvia, but my new work schedule makes it impossible for me to do so for now. Sylvia seems to feel the same. (She says she'll express herself further in another journal post here soon.) She has offered/demanded (so hard to see the difference right now) a further test: Tomorrow (Saturday) night, she wants me to spend the night tied spread-eagle, face up, under Her and Bob's large bed while they sleep above. (Yes, I fully expect them to fuck while I'm down below, but she has not indicated that.) I think it's a brilliant idea, and I am likely to accept, but not tonight - two rums too many to make such a decision. Sylvia will probably announce it here after noon tomorrow - her deadline for my decision.

4/5/2017 8:28:23 PM
Sylvia and I work in different buildings, and we rarely see each other at work. But she texted me last night that she'd show up at my cubicle first thing this morning, and that we would do lunch in her office later. As promised, she arrived at 8:45 am and pulled a small thermos bottle from her bag and set it on my desk before me. Then she pulled a small bottle of Scope mouthwash from the bag and put it beside the thermos. I was 90% sure what was in the thermos, and I was right. Sylvia smiled, cocked her head, and said "First void of the morning. I hope it's still hot and thick. Drink, now." I didn't hesitate - unscrewed the top and guzzled it down. It was thick, and still warm, but not hot. And I maintained eye contact with Sylvia the whole time. Two months ago, I would have gagged. Now I wish the thermos was larger and fuller. She told me to take it to the restroom and rinse it out, and to drink the rinse water. I would have done so even if she hadn't asked.

I arrived at her tiny office for lunch - strange but AMAZING, DELICIOUS chicken salad wraps made by Bob (smoked chicken, finely diced, with sorta pico de gallo and ranch dressing - omg). We both acknowledged that we ache for a D/s or maybe even a M/s relationship, but we're both cautious for similar reasons, not the least of which are our intertwined work lives and her marriage. It seems we're both struggling with what would be "appropriate."

No decisions made - we're both needing to think about it, and she is going to talk to Bob as well. Meanwhile, she thinks it's best we don't do any more sessions for awhile. I'm not sure about that, but I know she is so much wiser than I am.

I have no idea where this is leading, but I'm still excited and hopeful!

4/2/2017 3:10:44 PM
I am back in my apartment, exhausted, aching, proud, thrilled, red marks from my thighs to upper trunk, front and back. I have been peed on and in. I learned I am WAY more claustrophobic than I thought - tiny cages and closets are a MAJOR issue. And I almost went into a panic attack being hog-tied. I'm not sure what that was about, but we'll try again another time. The last activity last night? Enema! Rinse, repeat! That humiliated me - Sylvia having to endure the smell. But it is also causing me to get a weird warm fuzzy feeling about being humiliated. When I told Sylvia that, she smiled and nodded knowingly.

I'm taking the evening off. Well, naked and belt collared to be sure though. Oh, Sylvia and Bob gave me a new belt collar! It's an old web belt with the military-style buckle, so I can actually wear it as a true choker! I LOVE it!

4/2/2017 12:24:52 PM
Hello, Anna fans. I am "Sylvia". Anna just left my home to return to hers. She has graciously granted me access to her profile here, that I might play the salacious voyeur. It is my honor and great pleasure to begin showing Anna the real hands-on world to which she aspires. I like her view of me as personal trainer: I instruct in technique, but she decides freely whether to participate, and how far she wants to take it. (I'm not attempting to even get near her limits, let alone push them- yet.) So far, she has handled it all like champ- a wonderfully masochistic perverted champ. But I am also careful not to establish any dominance over her- less even than a high school teacher. Perhaps I'm approaching this more like a kindergarten teacher- loving and supportive.

I have asked (not commanded or instructed) Anna to limit her BDSM conversations for a few days while she absorbs and processes what she learned about herself this weekend. In the meanwhile, I'm greatly enjoying reading many of her past exchanges with many of you. Goodness, what naughty minds you have! I have also taken the liberty of adding to the "Interests" section of her profile here. (Anna, dear, take a look, and let me know if I got any wrong.)

How did I discover her secret self? The first night at the hotel, when we unexpectedly were forced to share a room, she left her laptop open while she went down the hall for ice. Her email client, while hidden, nonetheless popped up an "AnnaWondering- you have new mail" message on her screen. It was right beside me- I couldn't help but see it. Then the message disappeared. Later I Googled "AnnaWondering". Her Collarspace profile was the first three results. I took an immediate interest. (I was also on Collarspace years ago when it was Collarme. I essentially retired from seeking subs after establishing a firm FLR with my husband a few years ago. Anna stirred my old longings, so I've dusted them off.)

This looks to be a fun ride for both of us, and, to a minor extent, for "Bob" as well!

4/1/2017 8:10:16 PM
Just a brief update/preview tonight. Sylvia has become my personal trainer in BDSM. She explains that I am not Her sub (yet?), but she is introducing me to my fetishes. Examples: impact play (LOVE flogging my back! And spanking - OMG!), nipple/pussy clamps, tight bondage (while I'm recovering from impact play), queening (who knew!), watersports with the pee of others (Yes, Hers AND Bob's), ass play (I can take a medium sized assplug - YAY!).

I haven't had time to write any details. I'm exhausted, and we only have one more activity for the night. (I haven't been told what to expect.) Then I'll have a rum and coke and head to bed. I am truly blessed!

Anna, not wondering so much about some of it, wondering even more about how far I can go!

3/31/2017 11:39:56 PM
I have more to tell, but Sylvia must approve it first tomorrow. I am to bed, hoping to sleep well.

Anna, wondering WTF?!

3/31/2017 9:31:37 PM
I was finally feeling the very real humiliation I have been wondering about. It crashed into and over me like an enormous wave, knocking me off my feet, leaving me unable to tell up from down. Can a face both blanch and blush simultaneously? For an instant I thought I was going to lose my dinner, but my stomach just as instantly settled. The next second I was sobbing uncontrollably, hands covering my face in total, abject shame and horror. I felt like I had just let down my new best friend, disappointed her in ways I could barely comprehend or imagine. I heard her call softly to Bob, who left and returned with a cold wet cloth and a face towel. He handed them to her and returned to his seat, head down again. She slid closer, handed me the wet cloth and put her arm around my shoulder. “Anna, dear, you are safe and appreciated here. You have no reason to feel shame. I can and will help you find what you seek.” Then she hugged me and kissed the back of my downturned head. My sobs were still substantial, but were beginning to diminish. “Deep breaths” she said, rubbing my back, stroking my hair. She said something to Bob, and he again returned a minute later with fresh wet cloth and towel. I still couldn’t bear to look at her, kept my face buried in the towel. The tears were stopping, but I couldn’t stop shaking my head.

3/31/2017 8:30:29 PM

I followed Sylvia to her home, about 25 minutes from work, in the direction of my own home. She and Bob live in a lovely large home on 6+ acres of wooded hills. Very secluded. Bob was doing the cooking - charcoal grilled steaks on built-in deck grill, good solid American fare. Their friends Calvin & Jane, married age mid-40’s were there. Wine - white & red - flowing. Sylvia insisted I have a glass of red, even though I strongly protested that I had to drive later. I was literally waiting for a chance to secretly pour it down the drain, but she seemed to watch me like a hawk. Everyone pitched in to set the dining room table, etc. (Too chilly to eat on the deck.) Calvin & Jane peppered me with questions - work, family, places lived, boyfriends, girlfriends?, on and on. Sylvia listened closely to every answer. Sylvia managed to slip me another glass of red and I didn’t protest. One of the best steaks - meals - of my life. After we cleared the table Calvin & Jane left to meet friends for a movie. I made noises that I should also head back (40-minute drive), but Sylvia insisted and persisted. (All this time, Bob remained nervous and mostly quiet.) Then Sylvia said “I need to talk to you about something. Come sit beside me on the couch.” Bob sat across from us. Now, this may come as a shock to you readers, but Anna isn’t my real name. Yes, I had the audacity to sign up here with a pseudonym. Shocking, I know. Sylvia (not her real name either!) had Bob (yep, fake name) pour 3 small snifters of brandy for us, ignoring my protests. Then she took a sip, and I did the same. Then she narrowed her eyes, smiled, and said “Tell me about Anna Wondering,” and she took another sip, cocked her head sideways, and waited for me to respond.

(Note: Sylvia instructed me to write this journal entry. She says she just adores how I write, and insisted that I add some flourishes and misdirection to ensure that neither she nor Bob nor I can be recognized by our real-world connections. So, I'm taking some liberties with the story. But the basics are true: Sylvia busted me. I'll write more later, but I have to head to bed soon. Yes, I'm still at Sylvia & Bob's. She said "Friends don't let friends drive drunk", and confiscated my car keys. She gave me the option of having Bob drive me home or me spending the night here. I'm still here.)


3/31/2017 12:43:17 PM

To update my journal from night before last, my roommate (60+ y.o. female manager at work who I didn't know before this trip) came back at 11:45 pm a lil tipsy. She told me she had sensed my need for some alone time, so she found some entertainment elsewhere. How kind and generous! Then she asked how I'd spent my evening alone. Caught me off-guard, and I said "Nothing special", but I'm sure I immediately blushed bright red. I may have imagined it, but she might have masturbated when the lights went off later.


She (Karen Sylvia) and I got to know each other better on the trip back to the office, and she asked me to lunch today (I'm just back, typing this in a deserted conference room.) and then invited me (insisted, really) to dinner at her home after work today with her husband (Bob) and another couple. I'm getting an odd vibe from her interest in me, but I'm the absolute worst at figuring out sub-text in people. Karen Sylvia is clearly very dominant at work, and that seems to continue in our non-work conversations. I wonder if my submerged sub side comes across to her? I really hope not!

EDIT - I arbitrarily named her "Karen". She prefers "Sylvia", so I have noted it here. Yes, she managed to unmask me. More in another journal soon.

3/29/2017 7:52:03 PM
My sub/slave self has been submerged these last several days. I'm in a vendor class this week in Des Moines, sharing a hotel room, so no opportunity to strip naked and slip into my belt collar or to immerse myself in collarspace profiles, journals, or messages. But my roommate is out tonight! So I bolted the door, slipped out of my work suit and into a thin dress belt around my neck. It feels both strange and familiar to be reminded of who/what I am deep within me, and how far away it feels tonight. I return home tomorrow, and will be able to get properly naked and belt collared tomorrow night. I really yearn to spend some nights moving about my apartment on my hands and knees, reminding myself of what my Self really is at heart.

3/24/2017 9:22:18 PM
How my vanilla world has collided with my BDSM world -

I'm still wrapping my head around this, and it will bore some of you and intrigue others. (You know who you are.) I've noted before that I've been reading profiles and journals here for a long time, and finally decided to join a month ago. (OMG - has it really been a month?!) I elected to join now because I had just finished a long-term project at work and was able to take some deserved vacation hours for several months, so I had time to focus on clarifying my True Self. But a couple weeks ago, executive management at work convened a committee to design and integrate a new software/hardware system, and they either insisted or begged (depending on who you talk to) that I be a part of it. After less than four days of meetings, my boss, boss's boss, and boss's boss's boss decided to scrap the committee and have me do the design, integration, and implementation. (Again, depending on who you talk to they either insisted (Dom) or begged (sub).) They did concede me one request: I don't hand out work assignments to analysts and programmers. Instead I tell/document what steps are required, and another person hands out the tasks. (I hate being the boss/Dom!) Oh, and it pays a crapload of money, so there's that.

But now I'm the project's bitch AND Dom. I just friggin' LOVE that they have so much faith in me, and am terrified by it. (I know both the IT side AND the business side inside out. I agree with their decision to place it in my hands.)

So, my work day is weird now - I'm utterly focused on big picture, small picture, details, relationships. I'm Dom and I'm sub. I start early and work late. And when I get home, it takes a while to decompress. A couple shots of rum help. Then I can take off my (rather cheap) slacks and blouse. (still no bra! Yay!) Slide my panties off and slip my belt collar over my neck, and start writing a collarspace journal.

My change also means I generally can't respond to emails from early morn until mid evening, but I will usually be peeking at profiles, journals, and messages here throughout my day. I need to still feel linked, however tenuous, while I work.

Hi!

3/22/2017 9:11:40 PM
I just reframed my work life, and it's going to take monstrous amounts of time for the next few months. (But it pays SO well!) For all you lovely Doms and Domme who have engaged me, taught me, Dommed me - I/cunt/ik/it/slut will not be available as much as I submit to my vanilla world employer's needs and demands for awhile. I'll try to explain more later, if I have time.

(I just added this to my profile. More to follow as my new schedule permits.)

3/20/2017 10:38:34 PM
I have this thing about proper spelling and English grammar. If you claim to be a Dom, but you can't execute either properly, it really diminishes my respect, and therefore my interest, in you. I'm working on that, because I know that Domming someone (me) doesn't necessarily mean you need to know the difference between your/you're. But I do have one absolute requirement: you must exhibit a knowledge of the difference between "Dominant" and "Dominate"!

And I'm still struggling to accept anyone claiming to be Dominant who can't figure out how to post photos right-side up.

3/16/2017 7:44:30 PM
When I signed up here a few weeks ago, I could not imagine yearning for humiliation. Some Doms have given me reason to rethink that position. Humiliation is not now nor has ever been something I have fantasized about, but now I'm beginning to see its potential to help me become what I eventually want. By real-world application - for example, "coming out" to trusted friends and family would be utterly humiliating for me, but perhaps I need that humiliation. I have been accused of overthinking everything. I strive to change that.

(I copied this from my response to a Dom who inquired.)

3/16/2017 7:39:24 PM
I suspect my instant gushing (ahem) over watersports was a combination of my being an impressionable rookie here, a synchronistic exchange of messages with a particular Dom, and the effects of a mug of rum. Accepting the Golden Shower and Fountain, not because I want it on or in my body (baptism and communion), but because my Dom wants that - that just spoke to me, and it still does.

(I copied this from my response to a Dom who inquired.)

3/15/2017 3:52:13 AM
Oh, if only collarspace had this one feature: if someone blocks you from contacting them, you still get one last shot at messaging them! (Edit: Yes, many of you have pointed out I could just create a temporary new profile to accomplish this, but that seems way too troll-like for me.)

3/12/2017 11:28:46 PM
I lost - drove away - another Dom tonight. I can and do offer my deep self when I trust you, but I see a pattern. A Dom naturally wants more, wants proof, wants that secret I hide. And when I decline, then refuse, the Dom rejects me. I actually do get that - if I were a Dom I might do the same. So I suppose this is a caveat. I cannot be cajoled far.

3/10/2017 1:17:24 AM
I had a brief enjoyable (for me) wordfight tonight with someone who called himself a Dom. I am tempted to paste the exchange here, but I'll refrain. I won when he finally blocked me from further writing him. Gentlemen and Ladies, if you present properly, I will drop to my knees, lie prostrate on the floor if you wish. But if you are a fucktard I will relentlessly mock you!

3/9/2017 9:10:47 PM
A Dom/Domme couple peeked at my profile today, so I peeked back. They had a your/you're error in their profile name, and several grammar errors in their profile, though no spelling errors. I was shaking my head at their profile, thinking "How can they ever attract an intelligent sub?" when it hit me - they're not looking for a smart sub! They want a dumb one! (I'm not judging that, btw.) By writing their profile that way, they will not attract me, but they may attract those who don't recognize your/you're errors. Brilliant!

I learn more every day here.

3/8/2017 8:23:12 PM
I'm fascinated by all the one-line messages from urophiliacs (Yes, I had to search for that term) I have gotten since my previous journal entry. You can imagine, I'm sure.

Yes, I have swallowed, poured it over me, held it in for hours while constantly drinking water. (All as instructed. I did not ad lib.)

3/3/2017 10:30:37 PM
So, I just changed my interest in Watersports from "Curious About" to "Lives For". I licked my pee off my hand tonight. I had never tasted pee before. More to come.

Oh, and I am now shaved completely below my neck.

Happy, happy, happy.

3/2/2017 10:43:22 PM
I trimmed my pubic and armpit hair today at the request of a distant Dom who has taken more than a fancy to me. Need to go buy a razor tomorrow to get completely smooth. He has requested I be hairless from neck down, and I have complied. I am most worried about friends & family seeing my shaved arms. I've been unshaven since high school. Yes, my limits are being tested, then stretched. Collarspace is a wild ride, and I'm hanging on for dear life.

3/1/2017 11:37:30 PM
Messaging protocol, as prescribed by Doms

I was marginally aware of this while I was exploring here prior to joining. Now, it's real. I am in contact with several Doms. Some have not established a protocol for how I write them, but some have. One requested I refer to myself as "yours", and later as "slut". Another insists I call myself "it". I'm surprised I haven't been messaging with one who commands I always call myself "i" - lowercase. Another requires me to read and respond to his emails while kneeling. (Ok, I LOVE that!) I am happy to comply with all such protocols, but I offer a new one here.

I'd love to refer to myself to Doms as "ik", as in "Sir, ik has inserted iks butt plug as Sir ordered." Using "it" is a problem, because we use "it" to refer to so many things. Makes it difficult to compose a message - do I mean "it" referring to myself, or "it" referring to that other thing.

I'm SO topping from the bottom here! But I'd love to know what y'all think of my proposal.

2/28/2017 9:37:32 PM
If anyone is waiting for a response from me, blame it on either CollarSpace or my ISP. I could not get onto CS for over 24 hours, and now (in the last hour) that I can, it's still off and on. I promise I'm trying.

2/27/2017 9:04:48 PM
I was exchanging messages with a trusted Dom very late last night when this fantasy popped - unannounced & uninvited - into my head. I more or less watched the story unfold on my screen while my fingers, seemingly unbidden, clattered below. I sent it to him as an email. He just permitted me to post it as a journal.

I'm sitting at my computer, late at night, having had one rum too many (again!). An old woman comes into the room and tells me it's my bedtime. I assume I'm dreaming, but I am amused, so I take her offered hand as she guides me to the guest bedroom that I don't really have. I am (of course) naked and belt-collared. She guides me to this large bed (again that I don't have) and has me lie upon it, face up. She then takes her time tying my limbs with a thin harsh rope to each of the bedposts, so I'm spread-eagle on the bed. The rope hurts and scratches - it's too tight. Then she lights several candles in the room and turns off the light. Finally, she kisses me on my forehead and says, "You are chosen. You are blessed." and she leaves. I start to think that maybe this is not a dream. Several minutes later, I hear a low chanting of several voices from the other room, like monks chanting. Then I hear a "foof", for lack of a better word, and see a reflected flash. A few seconds later, The Beast enters. Remember the rape scene in Rosemary's Baby? This is it. This Devil, grotesque, climbs onto the bed, and I see his engorged enormous cock. He wastes no time in plunging it into me. It is searing hot, and I try to scream, but he pulls my belt collar tight and cuts off my breath. I pass out, and awaken the next day in my own bed. But my pussy is bloody, and I'm not on my period.

2/27/2017 2:15:50 AM
I had two exchanges today with so-called "Doms" that plumb tickled me. I'm working on pasting them into a journal entry, sans their user names. I find it both hilarious and sad at the number of men here who call themselves "Dom" when they are merely man-childs without a clue. But I have found a few true Doms. Thank you, Sirs!

2/25/2017 8:53:13 PM
Variations of the statement "I don't just want this. I NEED this." abound in profiles and journals here (and elsewhere). It seems to me that it is just wrong to say you need something without saying what happens if your need isn't met. "I need oxygen" is not the same as "I need a new car" or "I need a Dom". If I were at a munch (which, no, not yet) and a fellow sub beside me said "I just need a Dom SO bad!" I feel I should stop her right there and ask "What are the consequences to you if you don't find a Dom?" (Ok, I wouldn't say that, 'cause me sub.) No, I wouldn't accept a dismissive "Well, my life won't be complete." Get specific. Tell me exactly how your life won't be complete. My life won't be complete until I have a pair of giant purple sponge dice hanging from my rearview mirror. ...

Ok, I'm rambling a bit, but enjoying it. (Third rum & coke of the evening.) My point is that simply saying you NEED something tells us that you are in the range of "Gee, this would be nice" to "I will die tomorrow if I don't get this." Maybe you could be precise, 'cause I really need that. (Ok - see what I did there?)

I'm on a little roll here, so I'll add a little related sub-rant: It rankles me when someone says "You need to ..." when they really mean "I need you to ...".

Ok, see what you've done to me CollarSpace? I was this reserved shy sub and then I got all these supportive messages and then I got naked with a belt around my neck and then I had one rum too many and now I'm dancing on tables. Ok, I need to step away from the table. (See? I did it again.)

Good night, CollarSpace

2/25/2017 8:14:37 PM
When I went to bed last night, I removed my collar belt and left in on the doorway floor of my bedroom. When I woke this morning and saw it lying there like a coiled snake, yesterday came flooding back into my half-awake brain. I was surprised my knees weren't sore, but my neck felt naked. I dropped to those knees, picked up the snake, and placed it around my neck once again. I was determined to spend all day today crawling, naked save for my belt collar. And I've been belted and naked all day, except for a trip to Dollar General - a woman crawling naked, belted from her car into the store might raise some suspicions. The carpet in my home is thickly padded. I'm still avoiding being on my knees on the kitchen tile though. Some leg and back muscles are a little stiff today, ones I suppose don't see much action. In fairness, I'm only on my knees (and hands) while moving about the house. I spend my computer time sitting. If it goes well, I may move to my knees for that as well. But there is carpet burn on my lovely knees, so I'm staying on my feet tomorrow. The belt stays around my neck though.

I have another journal I want to write about want/desire vs need. But later.

2/24/2017 7:46:30 PM
As my second day on CS winds down, so are the incoming messages. Yesterday they were coming in faster than I could read them. In the last 4 hours I've only gotten about 20, mostly repeat visitors, kind Dom's. One profile I visited included a photo that stopped me: in black & white, a woman not unlike me in stature and age, on her knees. She had a men's belt around her neck like a noose. The prong in the buckle had been removed. She was holding the end of the belt toward the camera, an offering to (one presumes) her Dom/Master. Her head was bowed but her gaze still caught the camera lens, in soft focus. I have looked at hundreds, perhaps thousands of BDSM photos, but this is the one that made the rest of my world fall away.

Ten minutes later, I was naked, rummaging through a spare closet. I found it: an old worn black leather belt that has followed me around every time I have moved town to town. I've never seen any use for it, but I've never wanted to toss it out. That photo told me why I had been saving it. With a couple pairs of pliers I managed to remove the prong. Then I fed the end through the buckle and raised this leather noose over my head, around my neck, and pulled it snug. It made me aware of how fast I was breathing! I looked at myself in the mirror on the bathroom door. Then I sank to my knees and extended the belt to my imagined Master standing where my mirror was. I was trembling. Then I shook my head and smiled, as if to snap myself out of this trance. But as I moved to stand up, I found the belt wouldn't let me.

Most of my home is carpeted, so my knees adapted well. For the last 4-5 hours, I have crawled when I need to go from room to room. The belt collar demands it of me. Sadly, as the long leather tongue drags between my legs, sliding across the carpet, it also reminds me there is no One holding the end of my choker leash.

I'm making progress, I think.

2/24/2017 2:35:22 AM
Wow. 12 hours since I released my profile. SO many messages. SO much information overload. You're a precious community, CollarSpace, even with your trolls. Good night, sweet Doms & Dommes.
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Update May 18, 2017: If you decide to send me a message, would you be so kind as to include the nonsense word "farkleplunger" in your message to let me know you've really read my journals? I frequently get messages from kinksters who claim to have read my profile and journal, but who obviously haven't. Thank you!

2/23/2017 7:43:03 PM
I've now had my profile open for 5 hours. Stats: 73 users have viewed me; I've had 78 messages; I've responded 12 times while blocking 2 users; 12 users have favorited my profile. The message traffic has dwindled in the last hour, so my profile must be getting way down the New Users list.

It's a fascinating ride so far. Thanks to all who have sent encouraging notes.

2/23/2017 2:47:11 PM
Oh, my! I unhid my profile just 10 minutes ago. Already have 13 messages, 1 chat request, 3 admirers, 16 views. Not sure how to cope!

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