Horizontal Line
Vertical Line

Horizontal Line

sasshay

sasshay - photo 1
sasshay - photo 2
sasshay - photo 3
sasshay - photo 4
sasshay - photo 5
sasshay - photo 6
sasshay - photo 7
sasshay - photo 8
sasshay - photo 9
sasshay - photo 10
sasshay - photo 11
sasshay - photo 12
sasshay - photo 13
sasshay - photo 14

Horizontal Line

Friends:
MasterRedemptionkristaImurdaddy96734RoughstringRiderozzsclan
angelthighhighsBeyondnormalrussmeisterMasterZeusbigman5374
pasquatchbill2170kWhipMaster1962suziteachu2bgood
Dnomyarshey60bryn66sexyteddibareslaveplumber
perky1inchnipshabibidincubusTribalxlushbody
sothernnytemargolPeaJsanatalayeh
thornzbeautyImurDaddydeeluvbightkimmylanediane52
TrainherwellenchantedsoulThaddeusslaveallyAOMvibrantdoll
suzyqsweettiffiMissAnthropicrenanaLilredone
metztlisdesiresNykkysmiddenkiddenSirK1948Devonhoneybritches
Knighthavvkkohinoor

Horizontal Line

Vertical Line

 There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.
Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.
Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great deal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.
Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context.

I
t's ALL about the journal. The rest is just frills, thrills, photos of beautiful ppl  and red flags
Please scroll down to find "red flags" section.
I urge anyone pervin' my profile to go to the CollarMe message boards to learn about BDSM safety, health issues and protocol. (To clarify things, I am NOT the author of these articles. When I remember to, I note site the article was copied from. Any personal thoughts/notes will have a special marking***.) You might find these entries lengthy but finding the Right O/one should be a lengthy endeavor {My first Sir (met thru CM) TMaster aka Odadeo and I had been chatting for over a year before we realized we might have something going}. I encourage anyone and everyone to copy and paste any subject you find that might be helpful to others. There are quite a few to choose from. Feel free to go thru all of them. Forewarned is forearmed.
   
                   Guardian Matron of the new and/or abused.

Internet  Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People  

"Red flag" is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners.
When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship.
Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation.
The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship.
If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY!
Red Flags:  
Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?  
Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.  
Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.  
Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.  
Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.  
Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.  
Consistently breaks promises.  
Always finds excuses for not meeting.  
Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.  
Does not take personal responsibility.  
Has bad relationships with most or all of their
family members.  
Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts. ?  
Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast. ?
Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.  
Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.  
Puts you down in front of other people.  
Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.  
Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.  
Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.  
Lies or withholds information.  
Cheats on you or is overly jealous.  
Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.  
Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.  
Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas.  
Blames you for your hurt feelings.  
Abuses alcohol or other drugs.  
Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.  
Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm. 
Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.  
Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.  
Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.  
Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.  
Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.  
Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.  
Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.  
Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.  
Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.  

Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips  
Before meeting:  
Do not give out personal information to strangers. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes.  
Get a P.O. Box if you need to get mail from them. (Be aware that in the UK, it is possible to ask the Royal Mail for the details of the holder of the P.O. Box)  
Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times. When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone. Do not call collect.  
Your number will appear on their bill.  
Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.  
Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.  
Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the initial dates.  
During the meeting:   
Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine. 
Try to make your first date a daytime event.  
Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.  
Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date.  
Tell your safety net your date's information, where you went and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.  
Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it.  
Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.  
Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM sessions.  
Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know.  
If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.  
Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets.

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."  The Man in Black--Johnny Cash 

Horizontal Line

3/22/2011 4:56:33 PM

A riding crop and a blind bold doesn't make it BDSM. There is a big difference between being kinky and being in the scene. It's not a sexual thing but a very spiritual thing (Amen!)

Author DominaBlue


3/13/2011 5:03:26 PM


“Most people work around their sexual demons, we harness ours up and take them out for a ride”

— Bob H


3/11/2011 5:30:51 PM

Somehow I can't cut and paste now. I wanted to start my journals again. Oh, well.

 

 

shay


3/4/2011 4:39:02 PM

TO THE PERSON THAT HAS STOLEN THE FRST PICTURE ON MY PROFILE....HERE'S A WORD FOR YOU....I HOPE YOU HAVE AS MANY COMPLIMENTS AS I HAVE. i ALSO HOPE YOU REALIZE IMITATION IS THE HIGHIST FORM OF FLATTERY.....THERE CAN BE NO OTHER SASSHAY!!!!!


9/5/2010 4:18:06 PM

MENTORSHIP
http://www.evilmonk.org/A/constance04.cfm
  One of the words we hear a lot these days is "mentor."  People talk about the need for mentors in our community.  Novices are looking for mentors.  More experienced people call themselves mentors.  There seems to be a general consensus that everyone needs them and everyone who can be one should be a mentor.
  Personally, I never really had any mentors in the Leather community.  There were people I looked up to, certainly, but I met them all well after I was on my way to being whatever I am now.  There are people within my own community whom I respect, but I don't see them as mentors.  For me, I don't think the lack of mentorship was a negative experience.  Not having a mentor forced me to reflect on what was important to me, to find my own code of behavior.  While it might have been easier to have someone who was willing and able to guide me and help me find my path, there are advantages, too, to finding one's own way.  I have had mentors in my life, however, people who guided me and to whom I owe a great deal.
  I get emails sometimes from novices looking for someone who will mentor them.  Those emails are encouraging, in that they tell me that the novice has recognized a need for education, but I don't think having a mentor is a substitute for doing your own research, either.  While it might have been nice to have someone give me the basics of using a cane, I still would have had to start slow and practice it until I felt comfortable, learn the implement through a careful process of trial and error.  I would still have had to learn the craft of what I wanted to do.  There is no substitute for that, mentor or no.
  One of the other things that those emails tell me is that we don't see mentorship in the same way.  Usually, the emails come from people I don't know and who don't know me.  They don't know how they feel about me personally, they don't know what my style is as a person or a dominant, they don't know what my particular skills or interests are.  We are strangers to each other, and I don't believe a stranger can be your mentor.  The nature of the relationship requires a kind of intimacy, a level of comfort with each other.
  Mentorship is less like applying for a job and more like finding a spouse.  There has to be chemistry between the parties, a genuine respect, an acknowledgement that this is someone whom you would like to emulate.  Too often we confuse mentors with teachers when there are important differences.  A teacher can show you how to knot a rope harness or braid a whip.  They impart a skill or a craft.  A mentor tends to affect all areas of our lives because they affect the way we see the world and ourselves.  They show us by example, by being the kind of person we aspire to be.  We look at them and think, this is what I want to be when I grow up.  All mentors are teachers.  Not all teachers, though, are mentors.  Neither is more or less than the other, they are simply different.  Teachers are able to offer their knowledge to more students because the intensity of their involvement is less, while mentors must limit their focus.  We have many teachers and few mentors in our life, but they fill equally important roles.
  Mentorship is not something you choose at the beginning of your association.  It is a relationship that we grow into.  We begin to know the future mentor well enough to understand and respect them.  We notice how they behave, how they manage their lives.  We ask them for advice occasionally, then more often.  We find ourselves mentally saying, "What would so-an-so do in this situation?"  After a while, we realize that they have become our mentors, the people we looked up to, asked for advice, strove to emulate. 
  Mentoring another person is a serious commitment.  Mentoring takes time and energy.  It is a decision similar to taking on a submissive.  It's also something that shouldn't be a one-way street.  While I don't expect the same things from someone I mentor as I would from a submissive, I don't expect them to take the knowledge I give them and saunter off, never looking back.  I expect them to work to become more than they are and, when they are ready for the role, to give back what they have been given by being examples to others.
  We as a community need to understand that while not everyone is able to be a mentor, more of us need to be teachers.  All of us have knowledge that can be shared, specific and general skills that are both lifestyle and non-lifestyle related.  We know how to behave at events, what to wear, how to fit in.  Too often we hang back from involving ourselves with people new to our community.  Too often we see the only option as an all-out mentorship when, in fact, the willingness to be a teacher may be just what the novice needs.


9/1/2010 10:23:38 AM
Petition

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contract_(BDSM)
  The petition acts in the same manner as a cover letter for a résumé. In a petition a submissive will make their plea to the Dominant and may outline why they are seeking to be in service to the Dominant. Generally not used with a relationship that existed prior to the contract, however, for a submissive who is in search of a Dominant, this feature helps to show professionalism and attention to detail. The petition should go into detail of your request, why you wish to be in service, your goals, and why you've chosen this Dominant specifically.

 Names and Roles of Parties

Generally the opening portion of the contract states the names of the parties, and spells out what roles they play. Many reflect a degree of affected legalese (e.g., "herein referred to as Master"), though it is in no way required. Couples who are concerned about the existence of a paper trail may consider omitting the names, or taking a pseudonym.

 Term of Service

The contract should define the period of service. Generally, beginning couples start with a one to three month contract. This allows for a couple to explore the confines of the relationship without an onerous lifetime commitment.

Rules, Duties, and Goals

Each party should specify the rules and duties that are expected to be enforced during the contract period. This is also where the level of protocol is spelled out. The more detail agreed to ahead of time, the less likely misunderstandings will appear later.

Limits

A contract will usually list the BDSM activities that the parties require or do not consent to. These are called limits, and may be in the form of a BDSM checklist that is included in, or attached to the contract.

 Termination Requirements

This section dictates who can terminate the agreement, and under what circumstances. Many contracts state that the Dominant may breach the contract at will, while the submissive can only terminate the contract under circumstances that are dictated within the contract (which may include non-consensual abuse or neglect, or repeated violations of limits). If there is a safeword that the submissive can use to end the contract, it is included here.
 Signature of all Parties

The act of signing the contract formalizes the existence of the relationship. Additionally, some contracts may include the signatures of one or two witnesses.


8/26/2010 11:40:35 AM
http://www.darkconnections.com/dictionary/index.htm

Protector:
A protector is one who is entrusted with the care of another's sub/slave. A protector is also one who will take the place of the Master/Mistress at any function the Master cannot attend.

Contract: A written agreement outlining the rights and duties of D/s partners. BDSM contracts do not have any meaning in terms of law, but they are often used to

Collar: Worn around the neck, signifies ownership. To say that someone is "collared" to a Dominant means that the person wearing the collar is the property of the Dominant.

Collaring Ceremony: The Dominant places a collar around his or her sub’s throat as part of a formalized commitment ceremony in which the couple exchange vows and pledge their commitment to and love for one another.

 


8/25/2010 11:22:59 AM

Service top
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Service_top
  Within a BDSM context, a Service Top is a partner who is the active participant, applying the activities or techniques of BDSM "play" upon (a) bottom partner(s), but who does not dominate the bottom, and instead acts upon the wishes and desires of the bottom. The application of various BDSM tecniques may be requested, or even directed, by the bottom partners(s) who have de facto control of the context.
  Most professional Dominatrices and Masters are considered Service Tops. Many non-professional kink players enjoy offering Service Topping for the enjoyment of the bottom(s), as well as for their own pleasure and satisfaction.
  Service tops are considered by some devotees of BDSM to be failing at maintaining a "proper" BDSM relationship dynamic, as the stereotypical archetype of the Top within some kink communities is typically the Dominant-Top. There is not, however, "one true way" to maintain a BDSM relationship dynamic, and a mutually negotiated Top/bottom power exchange that varies from the stereotypical is just as valid as power exchanges that are arguably more traditional.
  One niche that a Service Top could fill would be assisting in the punishment or training of a sub by a Dom or Domme. However, they can also act as free agents, negotiating with consenting bottoms and catering/customizing activities and/or intensity to the tastes of the bottom(s). Since not all bottoms are submissives, the partially or fully inverted power dynamic can meet the needs of both the service-oriented Top and the non-submissive, sensory-seeking bottom.
  Regardless of how much creative control is transferred to the bottom, it is the Service Top's responsibility to monitor, maintain and ensure the safety of the bottom during play. This could include declining a request by the bottom should the Service Top feel it is not safe or not in the best interest of the bottom. Some bottoms elect passivity during scenes and may prefer not to verbally communicate once a scene has begun. A successful Service Top will be able to intuit if a bottom is in non-negotiated distress, through reading body language, periodic "check ins," and other means of gauging the bottom's emotional, mental and physical state. Other bottoms may enjoy (and in fact require) the freedom to communicate at will, and even be bossy in some cases. Both professional and non-professional Service Tops are responsible for establishing their own boundaries and expectations with regard to the specifics of the power exchange (or power balance) during pre-play negotiation.
  As far as training or service incidences outside the BDSM community go (and they are legion), a professional Service Top can serve as an extremely useful member of society, indeed. Especially when the alternative is ignorant- and therefore dangerous- application of BDSM principles.


8/23/2010 10:51:07 AM
Question
Dear Ma'am,

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 months now, so I'm still really "fresh." I met my Sir a couple of months ago. Our relationship has progressed and He's offered me a collar of consideration. I am not collared at the moment, as He's waiting on it to be delivered. Here's where I need help. He's asked me to make a list of my expectations. What I expect from our relationship and Him. The problem is other than expecting that He not intentionally harm me physically, mentally emotionally, and that I expect to serve Him I don't have any other significant expectations that pop out at me. Maybe they're there, but I don't see them? I get the feeling He wants more than what I've mentioned. Any ideas how I'd tap into that? I've never been all that great at taking my feelings and putting them into words... generally I end up stumbling in search of the right word.

Answer
Hello, Cecilia,

I'm willing to bet your dominant isn't looking for Pulitzer material. :) See if you can relax and maybe even enjoy this exercise. It's like he wants you to have an honest, earnest discussion with him but he's tried to remove the intimidation factor by letting you write rather than talk. He's also letting you take your time and think things out. That should make the face to face discussion easier. Don't worry about the right word, just express your concepts as best you can.

I'm also willing to bet you actually have more expectations than you think, you just need to identify them. It's hard because you're not thinking of them as expectations, you're thinking of them as part of life or part of the relationship. For instance, most of us expect family to acknowledge a birthday and for most of us, that happens. We think of it as what family does but it's still an expectation.

I think you'll be able to define your expectations if think about the relationship in the future. What do you expect in terms of communication, for instance? How specific do you expect his orders to be? What do you mean when you say serve him? You probably have a picture in your head of what service entails, of how the relationship will look. Flesh it out in your mind, see the two of you interacting. I suspect you'll see him doing things or responding to you in certain ways, ways that you expect.

Also think about what you need from him. More pushing in play or less, lots of aftercare or little, talk time, silent time, alone time? Are there areas of your life that don't require his control? How do you need him to interact with your friends and family?

Expectations are simply things you believe he will do. So, you see, you're dealing with thoughts, not feelings. Judging from the way you wrote your question, you don't have any difficulty expressing your thoughts; your question was very well written. Once you think about it, my sense is the problem will be too many expectations, not too few. If that happens, pare your list down to the most important ones, the least obvious ones or the ones that are most open to interpretation. These are things you want to have clear in the beginning. And, of course, you're going to expect that the channels of communication will always be open, so you can both discuss expectations and changes in expectations that might occur in the future.

You're going through a wonderfully exciting time right now. If I can help you with any other questions, please ask. Enjoy!

Mistress Violette

8/22/2010 10:24:14 AM

Tolerance

by Cerina X

The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.
     The word, "tolerance", is tossed about on bdsm web sites, chat rooms, newsgroups, at munches, and play parties, but I've rarely seen it in action. To date, it appears tolerance is only used with others who have similar beliefs but God help anyone who comes along who practices D/s or bdsm in a completely different manner than the "norm". I've witnessed enough feeding frenzies and verbal lynch mobs to know this is the truth.
As a submissive or dominant learning and practicing tolerance is a must. You will meet many people on your journey who will be completely different from yourself and by employing tolerance you stand a good chance of not only broadening your horizons but deepening your understanding of dominance and submission. Not one of us was born with the knowledge of how to be a submissive or a dominant, and only by keeping our minds open can we expect to better ourselves. Tolerance is not about agreeing with others or forcing ourselves to think as they do. It is about respecting people's right to their own opinions, ideas, and way of life. It is an honorable and desirable trait every submissive and dominant should learn and utilize. Remember, there is no "one true way" to be a submissive, a dominant, or practice D/s, and a closed mind never benefits from life's necessary lessons.


8/20/2010 3:56:16 PM

Anticipation of the Dominants Needs

by Cerina X (all rights reserved and held by Submissive Loving)Anticipate: To feel or realize beforehand; foresee:
Need: A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted
Anticipation of needs is one aspect of submission that my Master expects from me and I do believe that there are many other dominants who expect the same effort. When I went forth and asked a few people what anticipation of needs meant to dominants and how a submissive should go about such a task I was given the answer "ask your dom" quite a few times. Such an answer is not acceptable. Submissives need information more solid than that and so I am tackling this question with the help of a few friends.

I am not a mind reader and I am going to go out on a limb and presume that neither are you. However, if you are, I am still looking for a particular black sock that disappeared a few weeks back and could use your help. Now, with that aside, let us get down to business. You can see from the definitions I prefaced this article with that anticipating another's need can be quite useful to a submissive who wishes to please their dominant. While dominants are skillful at making their needs and desires known to us, we must be just as skillful in using what information we have about them to make their lives easier, pleasant, and less stressful.

I can hear you now. "Ok Cerina the non mind reader....just how do we perform this magic?." Well ye of little faith, I am going to tell you so sit tight. As mentioned above, we gather information. We store said information in our brain and if that is too much to ask, write it down. Keep a journal. What kind of information? ( I anticipated you would ask. I am good at what I do.) Take note of his/her: food choices, drinks, favorite magazines and books, grooming habits, sleep schedule, work schedule, sexual turn ons, other physical needs such as medication, dietary needs, health concerns, interests, etc. etc. Ask questions if need be and take the initiative in using the gathered information to fulfill those needs to the best of your ability.

How to take the initiative?

Example:

Your dominant is having difficulty getting up in the morning. He/she doesn't complain but you notice the black circles under the eyes and the fact that they fall asleep standing up in the shower. Hey, that is a clue! This person is not getting enough sleep. (yes, this is written a bit cheesily but hey, I do not see you volunteering to write this.) Said dominant has been staying up far too late reading, watching TV, or working and has put aside their need for sleep. Do we order them to go to bed at nine the next night? Not unless we are in the mood for some growling and a beating we do not.

Cerina's tip: (an oldie but a goodie) "Master, you are looking a bit worn. Would it please you if I were to give you a full body massage on the bed?" Naked full body massages are rarely passed by and if you set the temp in the bedroom just right, the lighting just right, and put on the Astral Massage cd they will be snoring like a baby before you get down to their toes. Warning: Naked full body massages have been known to cause stiffness to a particular region which may need to be alleviated. (Time to learn the
lingam massage) Either way, you've pleased your dominant and have fulfilled a need for him/her without overstepping any boundaries. Mission accomplished. Said dominant wakes up refreshed the next morning thinking you are a saint.

What does this mean? It means that, no you are not expected to "mother" the dominant nor expected to read their mind. You just need to be open to His/Her needs as well as your own. ( Master read this and says: "If the idea of being open and mindful of the dominants needs is a new concept to you, alarm bells should be going off that perhaps submission is not for you.)

Now, I'd like to introduce you to a lovely woman who has been kind enough to share her experience regarding anticipating her Master's needs. She and her Master just celebrated their second wedding anniversary. They are a couple who deserve a great deal of respect for not only their dedication to one another but their desire to help others in the lifestyle.


8/18/2010 10:16:20 AM
A MASTER'S VIEWPOINT OF THE BDSM WORLD
http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2010/08/get-your-life-in-order.html
This post is going to be primarily directed at the dominate ones out there. While this will apply equally to the submissives, I notice that people are falling down on their responsibilities. For whatever reason, many think that they can enter the life in a matter of minutes. I notice newer people believe that it is easy to dominate another. This is not the case. Taking another life into your hands is something that should not be done lightly. Yet, so many enter this life unprepared to deal with what awaits them.

You Can Not Give What You Do Not Have

If this were a rule, most people would fail it miserably. We would see the number of people involved in this way of life reduced by 85% instantly. For one to be successful in a dominant role, one must have something to offer. This is a crucial point.

I see so many who approach this life who have lives that are a complete mess. If there is one word to describe it I would use "chaos". They are total failures in many regards while making a train wreck of everything they are involved in. Yet, they believe they are capable of taking on another and running his/her life. Thinking like this is dangerous and bordering upon insanity.

Before you can give something, you must first have that quality yourself. It is impossible to pass along something that you do not have. This is a simple fact of life. Knowledge, experience, and accomplishment are all things that are transferable if you have them. Sadly, most try to assume the role without having the qualities him or herself.

Similarity Repels

There is a saying that like attracts like. However, in the world of magnets, opposites attract while like repels. A dominant and a submissive are drawn to each other because they each fill a role. At the same time, it needs to be noted that the attraction is based upon what each will do for the other. A submissive is looking for certain qualities before his/her submission is fulfilled and vice versa.

One things that submissives want is guidance. They want someone who will successful manage his or her life. A dominant in a BDSM relationship is a leader who makes decisions based upon what is best for the relationship. Usually, submissive types made a wreck of their lives (in my experience) and need direction to straighten things out. At this point, this is where similarity repels. A dominant who has an equally chaotic life will not provide stability and confidence.

How successful would you be if you took weight loss advice from a 350 pound man? Do you think an accountant who owes back taxes is the best person to do your tax returns? Would you hire an imprisoned attorney to defend you on criminal charges? The answer for most sane people is "no". We go to people for help who we think has the ability to provide the direction we need. Obviously, anyone lacking the basic skills in these areas is one we want to avoid.

Get Your Life In Order

Before you decide to enter into this life, get your own life in order first. This is especially true for anyone who is seeking to live as a dominant. If your life is a mess, you cannot rightly expect to be successful with someone else. Taking care of yourself is needed if you are to take over another.

If you are broke, homeless, senseless, and/or addicted to drugs/alcohol, take care of those issues first. Also, if you suffer from an extreme case of immaturity, spend time growing up a bit before entering into this life. A sub/slave is looking for someone to take control. Dominating is a great deal more than just barking out orders all day. It means providing a direction for another life in a way that challenges him/her to grow so as to be of maximum service. This is an impossibility if you are clueless about the general aspect of life. You track record in your life overall serves as a gauge to how fit you are at achieving your ends. Submissive types want someone who will lead them to success. Trying to fake it will not work.

8/11/2010 10:42:59 AM
 

SAFE CALLS
Most of us are familiar with the concept of a safe-call: The practice of making a phone call to a third party when meeting someone for the first time. This is often followed up with a second phone call a couple of hours later to "check in" and make sure the meeting went okay.

The vast majority of folks in and around the BDSM community are good people. In that sense, safe-calls are much like locks; they help make sure good people stay good. With this in mind safe-calls should be considered an extra safety measure, they are not a primary safety measure. Safe-calls do not replace primary precautions.

Primary precautions are things like:

Getting to know your potential partner before entering into a scene with them. This means you should spend time with them in person and not just over some electronic media, before scening.

Always doing your first scene with someone in some kind of public forum. This doesn't mean you have to go out to a BDSM club, it can simply be inviting another couple over for a small play party.

If you have to travel to meet your partner, why not consider meeting at a BDSM event, with a little poking around you can always find one going on somewhere.

Once the primary precautions are out of the way, a safe-call can be added as an extra layer of security. The main purpose of a safe-call is to further reduce the likelihood of a having a problem in the first place. This is accomplished in the following mechanism -- If everyone knows who you are and whom you are with, you are less likely to do something you shouldn't, because, if you do, everyone is going to know about it.

It is also worth remembering that a safe-call is intended to protect the Dominant as well as the submissive. While the Dominant may not feel they need physical protection, almost everyone is vulnerable to false accusations. By making more people aware of the meeting and the specifics of the meeting, there is less room for colorful embellishment.

The essential elements for a safe-call are:

  1. A person who is not involved in the meet must know everyone's real name and contact information.

    This means that first and foremost, everyone's identity needs to be clearly established. One way to help do this is to ask each person involved in the meet to provide not only their own contact information, but also the name and phone number of a reference. The reference should be someone with first-hand knowledge of where the person lives.

  2. Everyone must be aware that someone else knows their real name and contact information.

    The person providing the safe-call should get all the relevant contact information and call both those involved in the meet and each of the references provided at a random time before the meeting. This will help verify the contact information and ensure that everyone is aware that the safe-call provider has their information.

    As a side note: It is a good idea to make sure that all parties in the meet have the contact information for the person providing the safe-call. If there is a medical emergency or any other type of problem, the person providing the safe-call needs to be reachable by everyone.

  3. The person who is providing the safe-call should know where and when the meeting is taking place and should be expecting a call by a certain time.

Some people go so far as to set up 'code' words that can be used to secretly express that there is a problem. How far you take it is up to you, but the important part is that everyone knows who everyone else is.

Remember, safe-calls are only one part of managing personal risk. Be careful, have fun, and hopefully you'll have, at the very least, made a new friend.

You can download and view a sample safe-call form below:


8/10/2010 8:13:38 AM
How Can BDSM Be 'Practiced'? http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_whatis.html
Dominance and submission provide the key to BDSM. Many people play roles in which they act out various forms of dominance, punishment and subjugation. A certain sense of humor does not hurt in an S&M fantasy. Bondage is one of the more 'common' forms of BDSM. Bondage covers everything from soft silk scarves in bed to chains. Spanking and whipping are just as common but the degree to which these activities is carried out varies greatly. It is important to remember that the limits are set by the "s" partner. Many begin with a light warm-up, a spanking is one way, and gradually increase the sting or "thud" sensation to the pleasure/tolerance level of the "s". Symbolic gestures and the imagination and feelings of the partners before and after the punishment are just as important as the spanking or whipping itself.

BDSM play can be an extremely emotional experience for "either end of the whip" (or flog or paddle or strap or...). A very important aspect of "after-play" is aftercare. The "D" may be experiencing feelings of insecurity over their enjoyment of 'hurting' their partner (this is more common with, but not limited to, a novice). The "s", especially a novice (but, again, not limited to), will probably be running through a wide range of emotions that may well include tears. This is frequently a better time for mutual holding and soothing than it is for a Q&A session. Talk, communication, is essential, that can't be stressed enough, but allow some time to pass for the whirling emotions to settle. THEN talk. And talk. And be honest. This is where tact and that aforementioned sense of humor can be a great help. Be sensitive to your partner's needs.



8/9/2010 4:35:33 PM
 http://www.tiedmoments.com/submission/submission.htm
"A slave is to be measured from the inside,
for it is her soul that is enslaved,
her body simply follows..."

  Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty. Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
  Submission is not about sex, it is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring, and honesty. It is about being the graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.
  Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person, but just the opposite. She is strong. She is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love, and trust.
  Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the dominant is there to catch you if you falter. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman, a person, a human being. It is about learning, growing, and giving.
  Please don't get me wrong. Submission is not about donning rose colored glasses, and the world is fine. Nothing worthwhile will ever come that easy.
  Submission is also about pain. There is no growth without pain, lest it be a temporary growth. There is no freedom without the inner struggle to let go. There is no sensuality without breaking down the barriers that took years to put into place.


8/1/2010 5:13:23 PM

Different Types of Submission in BDSM: Submissive, Slave and Pet
Submissive Article Submission
In the BDSM lifestyle there are largely three different types of submissives, and when speaking to them, they will tell you with pride which they are and why. The following is a small idea of the differences, in no way giving all the details that are involved with the vast array of men and women that submit.

Submissive - As a submissive you are in the first tier lets say of a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. You submit to your Master, you give up control for long periods of time. However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them. Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control. It changes only during set times and parameters. There is also the thought of the "power balance" between dominant and submissive. Meaning that in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances. Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in. Now don't get me wrong the intensity is still strong and the punishments and pain are real and overwhelming however you have more of an option to stop and this doesn't spill over into the everyday that much.

Slave - As a slave control is given up completely. The power balance is completely tipped in the Dominants direction. However keep in mind this is a choice the slave makes not something she/he was made to do. Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that. As a slave sex is still very real and alive however not always the goal and not needed for the Dominant and slave to be in that persona. As a slave the lifestyle is usually more intense in pain, humiliation and just pure pleasure. Something to remember however is that as a slave this does not mean if the Dominant asks you to break the law or hurt yourself that you should obey on a whim. If a Dominant is asking you to do things that are against the law or against your moral values than he or she is not a true dominant.

Pet - This hasn't always been a classification of a submissive person and is still controversial in some circles. A pet is more on the side of a slave except for one large difference, sex does not have to be involved. In many cases it is not. If you have become a pet it is to give up yourself and obey, you gain pleasure from the control and the obeying not from sexual play. There can be play but it is rare in this kind of lifestyle. This submission is one of the most dangerous because you can lose yourself mentally because you so rarely have thoughts of your own, you usually do not work and although you may discuss things with your Dominant he is last say in all things.                                                          Ultimately the deeper you go into submission the stronger you have to be which of course is peculiar since you have to give up more of your control with each level. But you have to be very sure of yourself to give up every ounce of control and thought. Taking each step is serious and should never be taken light by the Dominant and submissive, especially if you want to remain safe, sane, and consensual.


7/29/2010 12:29:12 PM

 FINDING YOUR DOMINANT!
http://www.steel-door.com/Finding_Your_Dominant.html

 Are you looking for a magic spell? That unique formulae that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn't any trick. Not really...
 If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. By this I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that parallel's you. This is crucial. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using safe-words or signs wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Dominant from the beginning. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar - be real and honest!
 Yes. Dominant's have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you then you reduce (by a huge amount) the potentials of limits violations.
 So, you have your list in hand . . . now what? Since you are probably receiving this through AOL or online my next suggestion is to conduct a member search of the directory that AOL offers to its members. This you can do by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. This is important. It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 200 mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common 'within' your local community. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that 'might' be interesting. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter. In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all areas of the country have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. This can also be addressed in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Join. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo's and workshops or even weddings!).
 By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you increase the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber conversations and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement's without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr or Ms Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partner's in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.
 Honorific titles are earned - not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.
 Next I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)
 Do not feel any obligation for further contact. You have no agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind. In addition you should ask for and receive references from the Dominant prior to agreeing to any meeting. These should include other submissives that this Dominant has been with locally (sometimes called a submissive network). A Dominant local to you with no references is either too new to have them or with problems that s/he is hiding from you. Both of these situations create a serious problem for you. A Dominant IS a reflection of their real life reputation. By having no reputation you are required to accept their word more. If this is so, ensure that you have additional information regarding this person prior to meeting them. Have them fax a current Drivers License to you, a copy of their Social Security card as well as current phone numbers for both home and work. No beepers!
 If they refuse then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost all one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!
 Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.


7/27/2010 9:03:10 AM

 http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Ds/a_great_master.htm
A GREAT MASTER
 Let's begin with what my definition of a Master is: he is, of course, a dominant, and one with a number of years of experience in the lifestyle. He is knowledgeable about BDSM, but beyond that, he also cares about every aspect of his slave/submissive's life, which includes even the minutiae of her life; if it is important to her, it should be important to him. A Master has, in my opinion, a deeper commitment to his slave than just a dominant. The intimacy is deeper, the intensity of interaction is deeper, and the understanding is deeper; the feelings of control/submission is deeper in a Master/slave relationship than in a dom/sub relationship..
 I think the best Masters allow you to be yourself and value your unique qualities because of how they fit into and enhance the relationship you share. Masters "train" or "discipline" their submissives/slaves in how to serve their own pleasure, of course; that is part of what a D/s relationship is about, what a *power exchange* relationship is about. But they do not seek to put every submissive into the same mold. I think a great Master will seek to discover the real you inside, what gives you pleasure as you, in turn, serve his.
 A Master strives for the most open communication it is possible to have between two people and through that open communication, he seeks to develop the utmost bonding in terms of trust, respect and caring. And, in accomplishing this, the relationship as a whole is committed to growth, to both parties growing together and individually.
 The best Masters encourage their slaves in expanding their limits and yet they respect the abilities and interests and beliefs their slaves inherently possess. They don't push too hard, they don't set up their submissives to failure and they are reluctant to punish. Genuine Masters are patient in the extreme and value the opinions and honesty of their slaves. They are extraordinarily understanding, caring, perceptive and dedicated to the relationship.
 Masters are often perceived by long-time and new submissives as being "super human" in some respects; infallible and never vulnerable. But no one is perfect, of course. What separates a great Master from the rest is one who can admit to the occasional mistake, who can be just as open as he expects his slave/submissive to be and can always be counted on to communicate his own shortcomings. He should be able to laugh at himself and be totally open about his own limitations. Honesty in a Master in every respect is key, just as it is for a slave.
 A great Master will understand some failures and be willing to listen if an assigned task cannot be completed for a valid reason and punishment is not handed out as a matter of course. He is never abusive (physically or emotionally) and never takes advantage of his slave for any reason. He should explain and re-explain if it is necessary to reach an understanding and always be willing to listen when problems arise.
 I think that a Master should be a Mentor, a friend, a lover, a confidante, along with his dominance. To be in a Master/slave relationship to some people, means that the Master's word is "law" regardless of the submissive's personality, limits, health, or other considerations; this is simply not true. A Master values a strong and intelligent slave and treats her devotion and worship of him as he treats her submission... which, to me, is an exchange of gifts between the Master and slave (meaning the "gift" is hardly one-sided as some folks think).
 To put this essay in a personal light for a moment, I find nothing so consuming as being in this kind of relationship. However, it is a very serious commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly or without knowing what either of you is getting into. Even the smallest details must be discussed, and all questions by both the Master and the slave/submissive MUST be answered completely, with both of you listening carefully to the other. As a slave, I was able to discuss *anything* with the Master to whom I dedicated this Essay (Master Michael), and at the time I was enslaved to him, he knew me better than any other person in my life, including my best friends, my parents, my former husbands.
 He knew my fears, my needs, my desires, my limitations, my goals in life... everything that makes "me" me. He accepted me for what I am and sought to help me with problems (including but not limited to every day "real world" problems, my relationships and interactions with others close to me, my physical health and emotional "issues") and to work toward my own goals as well as serving him to the best of my ability at all times.
 The power of this relationship is within me today, and it enhances my life in more ways than I can put into words. The bond formed with this man was and IS "cosmic"; we were soulmates in the truest definition of that word. Though I am no longer enslaved to this man, we remain very close friends and I remain proud to have served him and been trained by him. It was, at the time, the most intimate, passionate relationship that I had ever had.. And I consider myself very fortunate to have been with this man as I learned more from him about myself and about the lifestyle (that, by the way, isn't a choice for me) than I have from anyone else (so far <wink>), collectively or individually.


7/22/2010 4:10:54 PM
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/Ems%20Stuff/em_collared.htm
Master's Collar means:

Finding Happiness

On a purely selfish level, wearing Master's collar means having found happiness.  The days of searching for the One who could tame and train, tease and mold are over.  Every submissive i know wants to feel Owned, to be the property of their One true Master.  For me, the click of the collar was freedom.  Freedom to be who i am and have the peace of mind that "i" will  be changed for the better by One who knows me better than i know myself.

Although i was extremely happy when Master decided to make me His, with this happiness came hard work.   i have a responsibility to dedicate myself to making Master's needs my own.  i have a responsibility to conducting myself in a manner which will bring my Master honor.  i have a responsibility to remember who and what i am at all times and act accordingly.  i have a responsibility to put Master's comfort before my own.

Remembering Responsibility

Expecting Accountability With all these new responsibilities comes accountability.   Master has a right to expect, to demand these things and more of His slave, and i should expect that when His expectations are not met there will be consequences.  Not only do i have to accept His authority and the consequences of my actions, but Master also has a responsibility here to that which He Owns.  You can think of it in 2 ways.   i expect (dread, fear, respect) Master's punishment.  -and-  i expect (count on, need, deserve, am promised) Master's punishment.  A Dom plays with and may train subs as He wishes for His enjoyment.  a Master takes on the responsibility of training His slave to His liking.  So, Master's collar means to me that i can expect Master to hold me accountable for my actions.
Along with knowing that master will mold me in His image of 'slave' - i also know that as long as i am Owned by Him, no harm will come to me if it is at all in His power to prevent.  i can relax knowing that He will protect my mental and physical well being.  He will allow none to disrespect me....humiliate and humble, yes.....but to show disrespect for His prized possession, no.  i can be comfortable knowing that Master will not take me beyond what i can handle.  Yes, He will and does challenge my limits and tolerances....pushing away at my fears and insecurities...but i have complete faith that no harm will come to me under His care. Knowing Protection
Learning Patience This is a big one for me.  <smile>   Master's collar means that things don't always happen when i want them to.   Playing, training.....talking, eating, sleeping, working....these things are all contingent on Master's schedule for me.  Sometimes i forget this....but we are working on it.  (and i'm sure you can all relate to what that means...)  heheheh
Master's collar to me means perfecting what i can perfect for Him.  It is not enough that He says i want the floor mopped and i mop it.   The next step is for me to perfect the mopping.....  or the serving.... or the manner in which i speak.... or the running and upkeep of His webpage...  All the myriad of things i do for Him i yearn to perfect.  He may be satisfied with a completed task....but i still yearn to do things better. Practicing Perfection
Perfecting Dedication Master has pledged Himself to the task of training His slave.  That takes dedication.  i have pledged myself to becoming the slave Master desires and deserves.  That takes dedication.  24/7 is hard work.   To be successful you have to be willing to make D/s in the forefront of your mind every hour of every day.  This takes enormous dedication.  No one is perfect.   i am not and Master is not.  But Master's collar means perfecting the dedication to each other and the lifestyle.  Master's collar means Love.

7/20/2010 3:22:32 PM

SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE
http://www.steel-door.com/Submissive_vs_Slave.html
This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people that I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it's best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the 'age' of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in.
The submissive is a volunteer.
The slave is not a volunteer.
This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena's. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full time partner to live with on a full time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible.
Additionally there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward 'serving' the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the "DO ME" subs. In my opinion they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another' that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the 'do me sub' in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire.
There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a 'do me sub', their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo's, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a 'pain slut', they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid.
The SLAVE ~
The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same 'natural' or 'inviolate' limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena.
Many people use the term 'slave' interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub's 'slaves' because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit's - safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust.
One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the 'Authentic Submissive', I also call these persons 'full out or true Submissives'. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the 'natural slaves', they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community.
Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the who is real question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo's etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation's are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status. The easiest way to discover a person's placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc... is to politely ask them. You can simply say, "What way would you prefer to be addressed?" This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way...courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing yourself to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them.
One final note. There is what is loosely called a 'submissive network'. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive...share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant's in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long term or life long experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Imput the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!


7/19/2010 10:35:26 AM
I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you. -- Oprah Winfrey

7/18/2010 10:25:47 AM

In which Franklin gets all Old Testament
on conduct in the dungeon

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdrules.html
 When thou dost come unto me and beseech me, saying, "Verily, do I request of you a good paddling," then surely I will grant unto thee a good paddling. During the period of the paddling, thou shalt not say unto me "What was that, a mosquito?", nor compare thy paddling to the flight of any other insect, or any creeping thing upon the earth, be it a moth, or a caterpillar; nor draw any likeness between the instrument of thy paddling and the feathers of the birds above; for surely shalt thy paddling grow mighty and endless, and welts shall be upon thy backside for four and thirty days.
 And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.
 Thou shalt not speak with thy mouth full, though moaning is okay.
 Neither shalt thou allow the passions of thy loins to reach the pinnacle of their fruition, save for those times when I commandeth thee; and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me.
 Thou shalt wear no clothing that is displeasing in my sight, nor place within thy pants back issues of National Geographic magazine, to protect thy backside from the force of my hand; for verily I will notice, and remove the magazine, and upon your backside shall I become medieval. So it is written.
 Thou shalt not take thy master's name in vain, nor forget thy master's title when asked. Thou shalt say "sir" or "maestro" when asked thy master's title. Thou shalt not say "buttercups," nor "sugarpants," nor even "bunnykins," nor refer to any other cute and cuddly beast that doth roam the earth. Neither shalt thou say "Oh yeah? Make me!" For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your bum like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.
 And speaking of Egypt, when the wetness doth issue from between thy thighs like the waters of the Nile, say not to me "Please, I do not want it," for verily shall I judge thy words to be falsehoods, and these words shall not be heard.


7/17/2010 9:03:03 AM

http://www.sensuoussadie.com/resources/newtobdsm.htm 
New to BDSM?
Not to worry - all of us started out in BDSM once, and you are in very good company! Here are some resources to get you on your way: BDSM: It stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. (the D & S in the middle there are used twice). AKA S&M, SM, S/M, D&S and so on. I always use the full formal "BDSM" because it is inclusive of the many different flavors of our lifestyle. 
BDSM Websites with good info for Novices: Albany Power Exchange (APeX)
www.albanypowerexchange.com
Frugal Domme
http://www.frugaldomme.com/ 
Mistress Steel: The Steel Door
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html Submission
http://www.tiedmoments.com/submission/submission.htm  
Series of Sadie's Columns on Getting Started in BDSM
Where Do I Start?
Getting Involved in the BDSM Community
Exploring Relationship Options in BDSM
Getting up to Speed on the Technical Stuff of Dominance
OK I Have a Submissive … What the Heck Do I Do Now?
Protecting your Identity in the BDSM Scene
Play Party Series

I've Been Invited To A BDSM Play Party! Should I Go?
Public Play, Private Preference - Play Parties and that Whole Dilemma
What Every Novice Dominant Should Have In Their Bag-O-Toys
Fashion Series
(Yes I know fashion isn't what BDSM is about, but it is one of the areas that people ask the most questions about regarding events)
Part I: Can't I Just Wear My Flannel Shirt? Why Fetish Wear is De Rigeur
Part II: Developing a Fetish Wardrobe on a Budget
Part III: Accessorizing for Pain & Pleasure
The Frugal Submissive (for Dominants too): Saving money on fashion, toys, dating and events
Other Resources
BDSM Groups in New England, Upstate New York and Montreal
BDSM Dictionary of Terms by Subaltern
Discussion groups just for Submissives, Dominants, and other mixed groups
Books for Beginners

 


7/16/2010 10:25:59 AM

http://www.evilmonk.org/A/constance05.cfm

Meet at the location you've chosen.  Do not give out your home phone or your address until you're at a point where you would be truly comfortable with that person in your home.  You ARE inviting them there if you give them enough information.  Caller ID, reverse directories, white pages, etc., all make us much less anonymous than we might choose.  When you leave an initial meeting, make sure you're not being followed.  If you have any doubts whatsoever, take a somewhat circuitous route home.  If you do believe you are being followed, go directly to the nearest police station.  If that isn't practical, go to a shopping center or a well-lit parking lot and call the police.  You needn't explain the details any more than to note that you were meeting someone you'd only known online.
Please be sure that someone knows who you're meeting and when and where and when you'll return.  Give someone you trust access to any files and emails that might deal with that person.  The Internet provides a certain amount of anonymity, but only a certain amount.  The person you trust with that information also needs to know enough about you to be able to contact you and then the authorities if you don't return when expected.  Your best friend from the Internet who lives on the other coast may have the best of intentions, but dealing with a missing friend from two time zones away is a difficult proposition.  Yet another reason to be active in a local community, or at least have contacts that are relatively close geographically.
I suggest making it clear that the first meeting is just that, a meeting, that there will be no play, that it will be a chance to talk, nothing more.  Obviously, if you're meeting someone several hundred miles away, that may color your expectations, but make sure that both parties understand that play is not a given, that you are either one free to decide that you do not wish to proceed to that level at that point in time.  Holding fast to that rule will often save you from mistakes.  Some people are very appealing on first contact, and later turn out not to be so appealing for whatever reason.  Abiding by that rule may well save you from doing something you might regret.  I also find that, by stating very clearly that the first meeting is no more than that, it allows both to concentrate more on the conversation, on the process of getting to know each other, as opposed to wondering about what happens next.  If things progress well, anticipation can be a very good thing.
Remember that if a dominant pushes you to play before you're ready, they're unlikely to respect your limits later on, and you'll be less able to effectively object if you're bound and gagged.  By the same token, if a submissive pushes you to play before you're ready as a dominant, it's likely this is someone who will be quite accomplished at manipulation and topping from the bottom.  Set the tone early, make it clear that you do, indeed, respect yourself and expect the same from others, as well, whether you're a dominant or a submissive.  A good dominant is not a bully and a good submissive is not a doormat.  The relationship is a partnership, regardless of how you agree to handle the power dynamics.
Male submissives often seem to forget that they are just as vulnerable as female submissives.  Men are not taught to be wary of their physical safety in the same way women are, to see the potential physical threat from others.   A man who is 6'4" and weighs 250lbs sometimes forgets that once he is bound, he is absolutely at the mercy of the other person.  Once he's allowed another to bind him, his size and strength advantage vanishes and he is utterly vulnerable.  It's wise to know the person you allow to put you in that position fairly well, for obvious reasons.
While I don't think this lifestyle attracts more than its fair share of untrustworthy people, the nature of what we do makes the potential for abuse, both physical and mental, particularly serious.  It's possible that the blind date that your sister sets up for you will turn out to be someone who lies to you about what he does for a living or how well he treats his mother, but the Dom/me who lies is a much more frightening proposition.
We all like to think that our instincts and ability to read others is infallible, that we would somehow KNOW that we were dealing with someone truly dangerous.  I would imagine that everyone who ever ended up buried in a field somewhere thought precisely the same thing, and while I have no desire to be overly dramatic, those tragedies DO happen.  You owe it to yourself to do everything reasonable to make sure they don't happen to you.
Don't forget that being a dominant does not make anyone immune to danger.  Recognize that caution is warranted in dealing with someone who is essentially a stranger.  If the person you're meeting is exactly what he claims to be, he will understand why you take precautions.  If he isn't what he claims, then it is especially important to take those precautions.  Don't allow yourself to be rushed into anything before you're ready and know the person you're playing with before you begin to play.  That's the best kind of safety to practice.

Constance    


7/15/2010 10:39:02 AM

Mistakes, Learning, and the Art of BDSM 
I was reminded today that the greatest opportunities we have is through failure. When we fail, there are always repercussions, but we know what we did wrong, and that will help us succeed in the future. Often we make the mistake of thinking the world will end when we fail. But to tell the truth, many of our most successful entrepreneurs had long histories of failure, before succeeding. Success and failure are related to each other, much in the same way that light and dark are. This we would do well to remember in all our endeavors.
But, I digress. How this relates to me personally and BDSM in particular comes from the failures I have had in the past with relationships with others. I have failed to be a good Dom in the past. I have failed to follow up on actions I have promised. I have failed to know what expectations submissives have. With each failure though, I learned something. I learned to manage the information flow so I read each and every email that comes in, not have a journal that I look at periodically. That isn’t how I work. I learned the importance of a collar in a relationship, by not bringing one to my first slave. I learned, and I grew.
But each time I failed, there were prices to be paid. I lost relationships with people, hell I hurt people. But the world did not come crashing to an end. I survived, and frankly I got to be a much better Master because of the failures I have experienced in the past. That is truth.
What failures have you had? Did they make you a better Dominant? A better person? Or did you succumb to failure? Did you wallow in self pity? Let me know, in the comment


7/14/2010 9:07:00 AM
Common Mistakes New People Make
(Author unknown)
The number one mistake I see made by new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.
Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.
A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screenname doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have?
Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next.
Something else I have seen is the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules in D/s:
  1. The Dom/me is always right
  2. If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1
    That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".
    Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partner.

7/12/2010 11:08:38 AM

Advice and tips for playing safely within BDSM scenes.

BDSM is a meant to be a litte scary but never in a way that's unsafe. BDSM can involve as much, or little bondage, domination, submission as you like. Playing a BDSM scene Here's our top advice tips for safe BDSM

Listen & Trust Your InstinctsThis is our number one advice! You know how far you want to go. Never push your own or your lovers limits in a BDSM scene.
Agree on Safe Words Using safe-words to control or stop a "scene" is essential advice. Honour BDSM safe words absolutely - it's the only way to ensure the physical and emotional safety of the submissive player. Safe words shouldnt be any words that you might use during your game - using words such as "Stop" "No" or "Please" are NOT good BDSM safe words. A common set of BDSM safe words are: "YELLOW" which means "Ease Up - I'm not ready to stop but am feeling a bit unsafe" and "RED" which means "Stop now".
Good communication is crucial! Honesty is the best policy is good advice, and never truer than in a BDSM scene. Any BDSM scene based on power can resurrect buried feelings in a partner who might have been abused or even raped. It's important to communicate any no-go areas and it's vital that boundaries are agreed upon before the a BDSM scene commences.
Physical Safety Advice - Tying UP Never restrict your submissive's nose AND mouth within a BDSM scene Never tie your submissive face down on soft furnishing. Never leave your submissive tied-up alone. This is basic safety advice to ensure your submissive can breath.
Physical Safety Advice - Extremities Check regularly throughout the BDSM scene that extremities such as toes and fingers are not numb or cold as these are signs that blood has stopped flowing to the area and its time to untie.
Physical Safety Advice - Use Wide Bonds Wide, strong bonds like proper Wrist Cuffs and Ankle Cuffs Silk scarves may seem less threatening but they can tighten in the throws of a BDSM game, without anyone noticing and can cause pinched nerves, even permanent nerve damage.
Get Informed & Inspired! Get informed!! There are plenty of great BDSM BOOKS that tell you how to keep your BDSM scene safe. The internet too is a great resource for BDSM advice and ideas to keep your BDSM play both hot AND safe.


7/11/2010 12:40:21 PM

So, how to learn your chosen role, whether dom, sub or switch... reading, talking, experimenting, listening, and playing about. The only things to say end up being: be willing to explore... try things even if you think you may not like them, many things end up surprising. The more important thing of course is to be true to yourself, you are the only one who has to live with the person in the mirror. Follow your heart and your head, for the path is most clear when they are in alignment. The only right way to participate in BDSM is your own way, and the only one who can determine that is you.
It is most definitely ok for you to learn your own way in BDSM, to try out every role: top, bottom, dom, sub, slave, switch, etc. Let no one tell you that there is only one way, or that they have all the answers. No one has all the answers. Some will tell you that the true way is this or that or somesuch, and if you want to take this or that role you must do somesuch. Just nod, smile politely, listen - for there will probably be some good ideas in what they say, and then go off on your own to reflect and see what, if anything, of what was said resonates within you.


7/11/2010 10:49:33 AM




I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

7/7/2010 8:14:51 PM
A late Happy July 4th y'all! I've taken a leave of absence. I hope to get back on my feet and start journaling again. Thanks for all the mail and viewings.
Yours (you know who)
shay

5/29/2010 11:00:40 AM

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, Y'ALL!!

12/22/2009 4:24:07 PM
        Well, I'm back for more. I needed a break from all the madness. Now the madness of the holidays sends back to my old haunt. I hope all is well. I hope all have a wonderful and safe holiday!

With much love to my friends and cohorts.
*hugs*   

8/27/2009 2:44:16 PM

LOOKING FOR A SUNDAY KINDA LOVE!!

8/25/2009 4:55:11 PM
Hear my music:


http://www.playlist.com/user/21018399/playlists

8/21/2009 5:07:14 PM

8/7/2009 6:55:40 PM
 
Expectations
or
what your submissive may expect from you


Your submissive expects to have certain rights, some of which may include:

  •        The right to set limits
  •        The right to be treated fairly
  •        The right to fair punishment
  •        The right to be heard
  •        The right to be respected
  •        The right to feel protected
  •        The right to feel safe
  •        The right to feel cherished
  •        The right to feel appreciated

    http://www.angelfire.com/ego/torandark/expectations.html

7/31/2009 4:59:34 PM
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001 

When shepherds get tired of their sheep... ENJOY!

7/20/2009 6:41:56 PM

Info for Outsiders
http://bdsmrealities.com/real.htm 
  If you do not have a solid understanding of BDSM, you should refrain from judgment of BDSM and its participants. BDSM is not abuse or misogyny. Things are often not what they seem; BDSM is a theatrical art. Simple minded rules have been replaced by much more complex rules which better approximate reality.
  There are many different subcultures; the actions of one subculture or individual may not be indicative of the larger BDSM subculture. Fantasy materials typically omit the safeguards which are important for real life scenes. You will note that a substantial portion of this page is devoted to safety. There is also a section on feminism.
  The relationship between pleasure and pain is much more complicated than most people realize and varies from individual to individual and can vary over time for a given individual. Any given BDSM players often do not engage in many of the practices described here. The psychological professions are largely ignorant of what it is we do; until recently, the DSM incorrectly classified BDSM as a mental illness. Many other forms of recreation involve substantial risk: skydiving, rock climbing, mountain climbing, caving, motorcycle racing, scuba diving, camping, and hang gliding. Many other forms involve pain and discomfort: hiking, martial arts, working out at the gym. No risk, no pain, no gain.
  Many plain vanilla sexual (and non sexual) activities have BDSM undertones. By exploring near the boundaries many BDSM players expand their knowledge of human sexuality, psychology, and physiology. If you are not willing to invest the enormous amount of time and effort necessary to achieve similar levels of understanding and to understand what it is we do, that is fine; but don't presume you are qualified to judge those who do.


7/17/2009 4:30:32 PM

B.E.S.T. slave training PUNISHMENT:
Master slave training, BDSM, submission, slavery
General information - Punishment and Discipline in the bdsm lifestyle:
 In the BDSM lifestyle there is usually a distinction made between punishment and discipline.   B.E.S.T. slave training involves the use of both in the training of a slave.
Discipline is training employed by the Master to teach proper behavior and obedience.  Discipline is described as instruction and exercise; training, whether physical, mental or moral.   Generally the time spent training your slave to kneel, stand, speak and so on is defined as discipline training.  It is also training to adjust attitude.  One of the uses is to teach and practice proper behavior. 
Punishment is correcting misbehavior.  It’s a penalty imposed on the slave for wrongdoing.  It’s used after the slave has displayed bad behavior to:
1) demonstrate to the slave that her Master is displeased,
2) show that the behavior was unacceptable and her actions have consequences and
3) provide reinforcement for a change to proper behavior.
  Punishment focuses on behavior, intentional or not.  Because behavioral modification is important; punishment can be administered to the slave if the bad behavior is unintentional.   However, the method and severity of punishment may very depending on if the behavior was intentional or unintentional. 
  The slave may not like the consequences that her Master applies, but she accepts them because they apply to her and are for her  betterment.  Punishment should always aim to improve the slave's behavior. 
  Punishment does not always involve corporal punishment.  Punishment is anything administered by the Master that is very uncomfortable to the slave for the purpose of changing behavior.  It could be having the slave stand in the closet, go to bed early, restriction of privileges, ignoring her, caging, bondage, or many other forms.
Example: (ping pong ball and/or egg timer)
A ping pong ball can be used for both discipline and punishment, depending on how applied.   A slave can be told to hold a ping pong ball to a wall with her nose for a period of time.  
  She can be placed in various positions then the Master starts an egg timer and the slave must remain in that position until the egg timer alarms.  She is then given a second position to hold and the egg timer is reset.  This can go as long as you wish, you can keep setting the timer and giving her new positions.  Challenging positions can be used for punishment.    Let your imagination be your guide.    Many egg timers can be set for 30 minutes or more, if you wish to make her hold a position that long.   
  Punish can be the taking away of privileges; loss of the use of a computer, car, or  television.  Another punish could be to have her repeatedly write out a sentence or thought on paper.  This is helpful is he is not with his slave and wants to see a positive action taken by her before he gets home.  He can tell her to write what she has done wrong or what she needs to do on paper several time and show him when he gets home.   He can also sent her some place (another room) to write while he does something else. 
In the bondage section of this website,  I discuss some uses of bondage as discipline or punishment. 
  If the slave is a heavy masochist, then something other than corporal punishment might be warranted.  It goes without saying, that punishment is not intended to be fun or provide pleasure.    A slave should not be allowed to misbehave to fulfill her masochist needs and never rewarded for bad behavior.   Don't let what you intend to be a punishment be a reinforcement for bad behavior.    Being placed behind the couch in the living room or den for an afternoon can teach her a valuable lesson.  If she makes a noise or disrupts you in any way, her time behind the couch can be extended.   The use of physical bondage is not necessary, using mental bondage by instructing her to remain quite, still and out of site.   In general,  the more she loves pain, the less it should be routinely applied as punishment and the more care it takes in administering pain as punishment.   To enable a slave to properly serve you on a daily basis, she should have full knowledge of what behavior is expected of her.  What is expected of her should be constant and clearly defined by her Master.  This is why written rules, positions descriptions, and protocols are important.  The importance of discipline training and communication can not be understated in the overall  training process. 
  As I have stated in other portions of this website,  not all Masters believe in using written rules, guidelines, and protocols.  That of course is their decision.   It is my opinion that written rules help provide a clear path for the slave and a stronger foundation for her change.  I'll admit it takes more time and effort, but I believe the effort is worth it.   
  Punishment is a type of coercive power.  Coercive power is one of the 5 forms of interpersonal power one person has over another. 
Corporal Punishment in BDSM submission Training:
  Corporal punishment is defined in this section as a deliberate inflection of pain used in the correct of an adult slave's misbehavior.  The slave agrees as part of the correction process and healing processes that she will accept her punishment. 
  I divide corporal punishment into two categories; 
immediate and formal.
Immediate punishment is usually less intense and of a much shorter duration than formal. The purpose of immediate punishment is to immediately correct the slave for an infraction that is caused by a lack of attention to detail during training or to reinforce changes in automatic responses (habits), (failure to maintain eyes down as stated in the rules).
  I have often heard slaves or submissives say that the worst punishment they could receive is the knowledge that their Master is displeased with their actions and this is worse than any corporal punishment that he could administer to her.
  I fully believe that a good slave or submissive will feel sorrowful for displeasing her Master and this will provide motivation to correct her behavior, but I don’t believe that this sorrow is always enough to foster future correct behavior.  This is especially true when training her to change normal daily behavior (habits and routines).  Just telling her that she has made a mistake is not enough to insure change when the focus is on changing habits and routines.  Punishment provides motivation to change.
  Immediate punishment is useful where a change in habits and routine behavior is required.  Two examples are when a slave does not  say "Sir", each time she is  addressing her Master or maintaining "eyes down" in her Master’s presence.  These are habits you want her to adopt and immediate punishment is effective when she slips during training.  A behaviorist would probably call this stimuli-response type training instead of making an attempt to changing cognitive thinking.
  Now, this is easier said than done.  Some actions that the Master require the slave to do may require discipline training and time to completely correct.  Most habits and routines require not only knowledge but lots of practice to successfully change.
  If you are to live in a 24/7  Master/slave relationship, many new behaviors have to be ingrained into the slave.  They have to become part of her normal daily routine. This is achieved by providing her with the knowledge of what you expect, setting goals, applying discipline and punishment, providing positive reinforcement for correct behavior and encouragement.  Punishment is only one tool used in the BDSM lifestyle for slave training.  
 
Formal punishment is for more serious violations of the rules.  It‘s not a result of a change in a habit but a conscious misbehavior or a misbehavior that a reasonable slave would be expected to know.     examples are the intentional failure to disclose important information to her Master or failure to do a particular assignment in the allotted time (after receiving instructions). These are attitude problems that cause bad behaviors.  This is also an example where a slave’s sorrow for displeasing her Master may not be enough to correct behavior.  She was aware of her Master’s instructions and still failed to obey.  She had full knowledge ahead of time that her Master would be displeased and punishment was likely.
  Very often,  stating that punishment is a logical consequence of bad behavior is an over simplification of the problem. Yes, what the Master sees is bad behavior, but more than likely the bad behavior is a result of incorrect (faulty) thinking, failure to pay attention to detail or other mental lapses.  We think, then we feel then we act.  In other words, it’s her thinking (attitude) that caused bad behavior.  Therefore, only applying corporal punishment is not always the best action that a Master can take to correct the problem.             
  Examining and confronting the faulty thinking, before punishment, is an important part of the overall correction of behavior.  If faulty thinking is addressed and corrected, behavior will automatically be changed. In most cases, formal corporal punishment should have several steps.
Steps in Formal punishment:
Step 1
- After discovering the behavior that needs correcting, it’s often advisable to discuss with the slave what caused her bad behavior.  What was she thinking?  Why did she act that way?  Why did she make that choice?  How is the choice she made helpful in her slave training?  Is she serious about her training?
  You should also make your displeasure with her behavior and thinking known to her.  Take time to insure she knows the depth of your displeasure.
Step 2 - Then the slave should be sent off, by herself, to think about her wrong doing and the punishment that will surely come soon.
Step 3 - She then should to called for and told to present herself in a punishment position.  A short lecture should be given before punishment.  Here you can again tell her of your displeasure and what is expected of her in the future.
Step 4 - Then comes the actual punishment.  The slave should not be allowed to reach a frame of mind that would allow her to lessen the effect of the punishment (subspace or mental pain blocking techniques).  She should be required to say "Thank you, Sir" after each stroke, and keep count of each stroke.  If she shows signs of going into subspace or blocking the pain, force her out of that mental state, before continuing.  Using a different instrument to punish her with than you would use for pleasure is advisable.
Step 5 - Immediately after the punishment, the slave should be sent off, (to a corner) by herself, for a period of time to reflect on her punishment.
After completion of all five steps, you should reassure the slave that her payment for the wrong doing is over, but you expect correct behavior in the future.  Do not keep harping on the bad behavior after punishing her.  Completion of the 5 steps should be an ending point for her punishment.
Helpful hints:
  Learned behaviors tend to become habits and, therefore, are regularly repeated when the opportunity arises.  Because of this, it is particularly important that punishment be applied immediately after the first behavioral deviation occurs, or as soon as possible, rather than after numerous deviations have established undesirable behavioral patterns.  The longer an unacceptable behavior is allowed to continue, the harder it is to change that behavior.
  Some consider altering behavior as having six steps  that include:
1) describing the undesired behavior to the slave, 
2) indicating to the slave why the behavior is undesirable, 
 3) determining antecedents and reinforcers for the undesirable behavior, 
4) eliminating the cause of the undesirable behavior, 
5) getting the slave to make a commitment to change the behavior, 
6) providing positive reinforcement when the desired behavior occurs and withholding it or providing punishment when it does not occur.
  Choosing the best reinforcement  (positive or negative)  for a slave  is not always an easy task.  To make it easier, here are some guidelines  that are often used in business that can be applied to slave training. 

Personal:

The reinforcer must reflect your personal  style and must be given in a personal way.   Not only, be personal but make it personal to your slave.

Sincere

It's important that you mean what you say and are not joking or being dishonest.

Specific:

The slave must know exactly why she received a particular reinforcer. She has to know why she's is being praised (or punished).  Because behavior is clearly a complex and ongoing stream, the contingency between a behavior and the consequence may not be clear.  Pinpoint the behavior that you require.

Immediate:

Reinforce your slave while she is doing what you want.  The longer the time between the completion of a behavior and the delivery of a reinforcing consequence, the less effective the reinforcer will be.

Frequently:

Use the 4:1 general rule.  This means that every time you apply a negative consequence,  you should find at least four opportunities to reinforce a desired behavior.  By just observing people you can learn a lot about which reinforcer is most suitable. 

 


7/8/2009 6:33:04 PM

  TOPPING TIPS--hints, tricks and more
http://www.fetishexchange.org/good-top1.shtml
  When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?
  Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows--these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else. Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!
  Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic--anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword--tops can use safewords too.
  Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for pleasing their master? I've several times played with my girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hers--and she loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no problem.
  The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are responsible for your bottom. As you begin playing with S&M, you may well be placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your ability to handle any situations that may come up. If you're in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both be startled and shocked--but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection. If something happens that you didn't expect, take care of your bottom _first_--reassure them that you're not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.
  And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing, or worries about how you're not topping "correctly." If you start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what _you_ want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to play with me sexually--so she made me her slave and commanded me to... bathe her and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way _she_ wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I don't want to be doing this" or "I don't know what my partner wants, or even what I want," then by all means stop the scene--gracefully if possible. Better that than for the scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.
  If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs, or you'll stop. Talking dirty to each other--trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if you want to--is the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves S&M or not!


6/13/2009 7:30:49 PM

Common Lifestyle Symbols

BDSM Emblem

emblem

The BDSM emblem has no "obvious" symbolism because it was created to be enigmatic. To the vanilla observer who would be put off by BDSM, it is merely an attractive piece of jewelry. Thus, we can wear it freely as a friendly salute, nod, and wink to other BDSMers we should happen to pass on the sidewalks and in the hallways of our daily lives.
  To the insider, however, the Emblem is full of meaning.
  The three divisions represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First of all, the three divisions of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behavior: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of our community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches.
  It is this third symbolism that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. Since BDSM is at the very least a play style and at its greatest a love style, the holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context. However "together" and "whole" individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. BDSM cannot be done alone.
  The resemblance to a three-way variation on the Yin-Yang symbol is not accidental. As the curved outline of Yin and Yang represent the hazy border between where one ends and the other begins, so do the curved borders here represent the indistinct divisions between B&D, D&S, and S&M.
  The metal and metallic color of the medallion represents the chains or irons of BDSM servitude/ownership. The three inner fields are black, representing a celebration of the controlled dark side of BDSM sexuality.
  The curved lines themselves can be seen as a stylized depiction of a lash as it swings, or even an arm in motion to deliver an erotic spanking. The all-embracing circle, of course, represents the overlying unity of it all and the oneness of a community that protects its own.


5/29/2009 11:12:00 AM

Safety http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
  A rendered model is bound in traditional handcuffs.Aside from the general advice related to safer sex, BDSM sessions often require a much wider array of safety precautions than typical vanilla sex (sexual behavior without BDSM elements). To keep all acts within the framework agreed upon by all participants, a commonly accepted set of rules and safety measures has emerged within the BDSM community.
  To ensure consensus related to BDSM activity, pre-play negotiations are commonplace, especially among partners who do not know each other very well. These negotiations concern the interests and fantasies of each partner and establish a framework. This kind of discussion is a typical "unique selling proposition" of BDSM sessions and quite commonplace. Additionally, safewords are often arranged to provide for an immediate stop of any activity if any participant should so desire.
  Quick and reliable response to safewords is an imperative for safe BDSM. In case of voice constraints of the bottom, eye contact or hand signs might be the only means of communication and are therefore of very high importance for safety.
  Practical safety aspects are of tremendous importance. It is highly important during bondage sessions to understand which parts of the human body have a risk of damage to nerves and blood vessels by contusion or have a high risk of scar development. Using crops, whips or floggers, the top's fine motor skills and anatomical knowledge can make the difference between a satisfying session for the bottom and a highly unpleasant experience, possibly including severe physical harm. The very broad range of different BDSM "toys" and physical and psychological control techniques often requires a far-reaching knowledge of details related to the requirements of the individual session, such as anatomy, physics, and psychology.
  It is necessary to be able to identify a bottom's psychological "freakouts" in advance in order to avoid it. Such losses of emotional balance due to sensory or emotional overload are the most common SM emergency. It is extremely important to follow his or her reactions empathetically and continue or stop accordingly.


5/21/2009 5:33:47 PM
Excerpt from:
http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/softs_poetry/trust.html
Trust.
Within the context of a BDSM relationship, it is, in my opinion the single-most important and crucial element! Without that trust of another we have nothing. How could the submissive willingly place her health and safety into the hands of a dominant that she does not trust?
Trust means so many things. It is, to me:
· Knowing that the information I share will not be used against me
· Knowing that my well-being is foremost in my dominant’s thoughts
· Knowing that I am safe
· Knowing that I can put my hand in his and be led to the edge of the cliff without falling off
Taking the step to trust another, with a secret, or something of great importance about or to me, can weigh so heavily upon your heart it is almost a sickening feeling. Trusting means taking a chance, risking opening yourself up, being vulnerable to another. Yet the joy and feelings of happiness in finding you can trust that person make it all worthwhile!
We have been taught to guard and hide "little secrets", our weaknesses, our fears. Within your relationship with your dominant (or your submissive) keeping secrets, not trusting, is destructive. And, it is dangerous.
Trust is not given immediately – not handed over like the leash of a dog. It must be earned, and given slowly. It is built upon, bit-by-bit. In doing so you must be completely honest with yourself and your dominant.
Only you can determine how much are you willing to risk, how much you are willing to give, how strong are you, or can you be. Finding the truth in yourself is hard; sharing it with your dominant is harder. You have to be willing to allow it to grow.
And so, we grab our buckets of mortar made from truth and we begin to lay the bricks of trust down as a foundation for something wonderful. We do not do this alone. We have help from them that have instilled in us the acceptance of our flaws and ourselves.
In a D/s relationship it is the dominant to which we look for help. For it is from them that we seek clarity. Trusting means not carrying the burdens by yourself but finding another that you can lean upon and gladly allow them to lean on you. As a submissive, we expect them to see more clearly into what is going on within us.
For what is a dominant? A dominant is protector, teacher, guide and lover. And so, it is to the dominant that we look for help in building our foundation.
What are you feeling – what do you feel for and about this person, this dominant? Is it a feeling that it’s going to be all right? That you’re going to be accepted and understood, and most importantly loved and respected for having taken the risk.
Think carefully before you give "trust". You have to be the one to decide how much risk you can take with your heart, because that is where you keep all the secrets.
What is trust? Trust is love; to me it is the whole of everything in life. It is to be nurtured as one does a child, instructed as one would a student, loved like there is nothing higher on this plane of existence, and guarded for the treasure it is. It is knowing that you’re going to be fine. Knowing that in the end it will be more than worth it all.
Trust is a treasure to be shared. Trusting your dominant with your treasure brings with it untold reward. It is standing blind-folded at the edge of the cliff and knowing, with all that is in you, that you are safe.

5/17/2009 10:42:39 AM

22 Guaranteed Ways To Destroy A Relationship
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/drbirch22ways.htm

Relationships are often hard to maintain, even when two people profess undying love for each other. A major problem in a relationship is that one or both partners continue to make the same errors but then cannot understand why the relationship is in trouble. It is almost as though they are determined to do things their way, even at the risk of damaging a good thing. 
  In my clinical practice, I have discovered at least 22 errors in thinking and communicating that people make, which if repeated, have the potential of destroying a relationship. Which of the following errors are you making?
 
1. Rigidly maintain that you are always right, even when you do not have all the facts!
2. Never apologize, even when you are proven wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt!
3. Be relentless in rubbing it in when you are proven right!
4. Dogmatically maintain that you know your partner's motives better than he or she does!
5. Assume that your partner should understand your needs and should respond immediately without being asked!
6. Totally ignore your partner's priorities and insist on your own!
7. Operate on the assumption that your partner's sexual need cycle is identical to yours!
8. Add deep psychological meaning to your partner's sexual disinterest, and take it very personally!
9. Do not ever admit hurt, but go immediately to the expression of anger!
10. Identify your partner's character flaws and family secrets and use them to make a point when logic fails!
11. Use guilt to manipulate, to get your own way or to punish!
12. Become proficient at catching your partner being bad, but do not ever comment if you catch him or her being good!
13. Cut no slack, yield no ground and push your argument until your partner walks out the door... then follow the coward!
14. Do not let go of the past, rehashing your version of it as often as possible!
15. Cling very very tightly, claiming that you will surly die if you are ignored!
16. If you are not a clinger, then stay emotionally/physically distant, and show no signs that you really care for your partner!
17. Make promises, but never keep them!
18. Be factious so you partner never knows when you are being serious!
19. Always make excuses for your bad habits!
20. Insist that what you have to say is always more important that what your partner is saying, so interrupt!
21. Pretend that you understand what you partner has said, even if you have no idea of the point that was being made!
22. Act as though you do none of the above and it is your partner who must make all the changes!


5/16/2009 10:39:03 AM

bdsm lifestyle, slavery, slave, Master, submissive, submission http://www.bestslavetraining.com/choicedecision.htm
"Choice decision"  Definition as used in B.E.S.T. slave training :   A slave at some point in training, makes a decision to allow her Master to own her choices.   In other words, she makes a "choice decision."    
  Behavior is based upon choices.  What choices a person makes in life determines what actions they take.  Owning a slaves choices is owning her behavior and actions. The feeling of helplessness to control and change her own behavior is important in slave training.  Owning a slave's choices instills a feeling of helplessness to control her own behavior.  
  This is not always an easy decision for a slave to make and is directly related to the trust she feels in her Master.   A Master may not make every choice for a slave but any he does make must be obeyed.    She may have an influence on his final decision by offering advice, but she is bound by his final decision.  In other words, in any area of her life that he wishes, he can make  the choice as to how she behaves  and she is obligated by her slavery to obeys. 
  When a slave makes a  "Choice Decision" it mean her Master owns, controls, and can change or modify her behavior.  Slavery does not exist without her granting her choices to her Master.  
  In early training, the goal of the “choice decision” theory is to change the slave's behavior, adapted from "Reality Therapy is Action” by William Glasser, MD copyright 2000, HarperCollins Publishers)


5/10/2009 5:43:09 PM
I know I haven't been online much lately. I've been busy with real life and such. I had a great Mothers' Day weekend. Got a book, I've been dying to repurchase for years, as a gift. It is Robert McCammon's "Swan Song". So, that means I prolly won't be online a lil bit longer. I've added new photos. Don't get scared. lol

5/6/2009 5:32:15 PM

Animal roleplay (also called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_animal_roleplay
is a form of erotic sexual role-play where one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal, or, in a sexual context, may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
  The principal theme of animal roleplay is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably () (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Human-animal roleplay is also used in a BDSM context, where one person may be a 'slave', treated or used as an animal by their Mistress/Master.
  Non-sexual animal roleplay was common in many tribal cultures, such as Native American culture and prehistory, where therianthropic play formed an important part of their rituals. In this case the animal was usually either one that was revered spiritually, or one that was hunted. It is also used in physical education especially with children, as an enjoyable way to encourage certain exercises. In psychodrama, animal roleplay may be used for a person to explore their personality, as a form of role reversal.
  The origins of animal roleplay and petplay are probably various and diverse, again depending upon the participants involved. However, its origins are certainly influenced by costuming, fiction, myth and legend, roleplay and psychodrama in their various aspects.
  Cultural and ritual use Non-sexual animal roleplay, or therianthropy, was a common and integral part of ritual in many tribal cultures both in recent and likely prehistoric times, where a member (or members) of the tribe would take the role physically and often spiritually, of an animal that was either revered, or hunted. Examples of the former include many of the American Indian tribes and Arctic native peoples, examples are evidenced by cave paintings. In 1911 Julia Tuell photographed the last Animal Dance ("Massaum") performed by the Northern Cheyenne of Montana.
  It is also sometimes used in education, especially physical education, as an enjoyable way to encourage people to exercise the body in unusual ways, by mimicking various animals.
Erotic use
  Like much of erotic play and roleplay, animal roleplay in an erotic or relational context is entirely defined by the people involved and by their mood and interests at the time of play. It ranges from the simple imitation of a vocal whinnying of a horse to the barking, panting or playful nudging of a puppy, or playful behaviour of a kitten, to crawling around on all fours and being fed, or petted, by hand. (In the latter instance, its motives may be similar to those of ageplay, ie taking on a role that one feels spiritually appropriate or which allows for nurturing, and a change from usual roles in everyday life). To the greater extremes of dressing up as a pony in modified horse tack, masks, prosthetics and temporary bondage based body modification (such as binding the forearms to the upperarms and/or the calves to the thighs).
  Public participation in human animal roleplay is varied. A couple could inconspicuously role-play a silly but loving pet play scene in public, but it would look like one partner is merely stroking the other's neck innocently to the casual observer. In the case of many convention-going furries and some BDSM fetishists, one partner may wear a dog collar with a leash attached.
  The reasons for playing such a character or animal can vary as much as the actual physical manifestations and intensity of the play. Some people enjoy being able to "cut loose" into a different, or more dynamic personality (eg, Were-creatures or Catgirls; see other variations). In some cases, pet play is seen as a loving, quiet cuddling time where there is no need for verbalizations and the simple act of stroking, rubbing and holding the other partner is satisfying or reassuring in and of itself for those involved. For others, there may be a spiritual side to it. Some feel closer to their animal totem, while others may identify with something akin to a deeper side or part of their own psyche (see: Therianthropy). For still others, there is the experience of power exchange setup in a context or structure which they can accept. Clearly, again, it depends on the people involved and what they bring to it or take from it.
  Additionally, some cases could be considered a type of animal transformation fantasy. They can have strong elements of exhibitionism, be totally enjoyed in the privacy of the home, or lie somewhere between either boundary. While not widespread, erotic human-animal roleplay is still enjoyed by a sizeable number of people. However, it is still primarily identified with BDSM practice, or as being associated with furry or other alternative lifestyle activities.
  For a majority of participants, it has no connection whatsoever with zoophilia or bestiality, which are controversial and would usually be considered edgeplay in BDSM circles.
Other considerations
It should be pointed out that each type of play can focus on a certain "strength" of an animal character. Pony play often involves the practice and training that a horse owner or trainer would put their horse through to learn how to walk, canter, etc, as modified for human limbs. Puppy play often can involve BDSM related discipline. Cow Play often involves fantasies of lactation and impregnation. The usual limits of safe, sane and consensual apply to roleplay as much as any other activity between humans who accept and respect their partner's interests and limits. For most, this does not include bestiality.
  Note: Just because one partner is playing the "pet" does not necessarily make them the passive or submissive play partner in the scene. For example, if the form of pet play is for the meek and timid wife to "transform" into a werewolf or mischievous anime catgirl, she may take the upper hand and dominate the partner. Again, how the play is interpreted is entirely up to the people involved.
  Some people believe that they have certain animal 'instincts' and through animal roleplay can let them out. This is especially true in the BDSM communities, where some people 'live' as their chosen animal 24/7. This type of mentality goes beyond roleplay and becomes a full lifestyle for the parties involved. There are also 'hybrids'. These are humans who live part time as one type of animal, and part time as another. This is usually determined by the situation.
  There seems to be a growing trend among the BDSM scene in animal roleplay, especially pup and kitten play. Playing the role of a pup or kitten is one of giving over complete control over to another, while the 'Master or Handler' expects only unconditional love and obedience from his/her animal.
Variations
BDSM ponyplay
  Ponyplay is sometimes referred to as "The Aristotelian Perversion," in reference to legend that Aristotle had a penchant for being ridden like a horse. Ponies (people involved in ponyplay) generally divide themselves to three groups although some will participate in two or perhaps all three:
Cart ponies: ponies who pull a sulky with their owner.
Riding ponies: ponies who are ridden, either on all fours or on two legs, with the "rider" on the shoulders of the "pony" (also known as Shoulder riding). Note that a human back is generally not strong enough to take the weight of another adult without risk of injury, so four-legged "riding" is generally symbolic, with the "rider" taking most of their weight on their own legs.
Show ponies: ponies who show off their dressage skills and often wear elaborate harnessess, plumes and so on.
  A documentary film Pony Passion was produced by British pony play club De Ferre in 2003 showing their club's activities and Born in a Barn, a 2005 documentary film, depicted the lives of several ponyplay enthusiasts.
BDSM pup-play 
 Pup play or dog play is sometimes (though not always) associated with leather culture. at least one of the participants acts out () mannerisms and behaviors, or simply imagines such behaviors or identities, and attempts to assume the mental state of a dog. Pup-play does not require any involvement with bestiality. The dominant role is taken by a "Handler," "Trainer," or a "Master." The submissive may be called a "pup," a "dog," a "stray," or in the case of a more aggressive or dominant participant that still identifies as a dog, an "alpha." In the pup-play community, biological () are referred to as () to differentiate between them and human role players (the pup, dog, or alpha). Pup play is more about being a playful, goofy being on all fours who shows his/her Master their love and devotion. Instinct also plays a big role in pup play.
BDSM kitten-play
  Similar to the above, but the bottom assumes the less serious role of a pet that keeps some independence and - as part of the fantasy - might retaliate against the partner trying to tame him/her. Kitten play is less well known than Pony or Puppy play, although with recent years is growing in popularity.


5/1/2009 4:28:24 PM
I'm baaaaaaaack! Back to business as usual. Missed y'all!

4/15/2009 7:12:53 PM
I'm going to be offline indefinitely. I am taking my pc to a repair shop tomorrow. So, I'll be thinking of you guys alot while I'm offline.

To my friends,
Much love and appreciation,
shay

4/10/2009 5:16:35 PM
UPDATE: We had a wonderful time together this weekend. Much laughter and kidding around. There was so much food. I brought 4 pies. One of which was a homemade lemon pie. I got a marriage proposal (from my cousin's gf about the pie) and my sister said she was humpin' air as she ate her slice...hehehe
Tyhler's name was mentioned a few times. He is sorely missed. His death has brought our family together once again. A hint: Always tell your loved ones you love them when you part.

HAVE A SAFE AND JOYFUL HOLIDAY WEEKEND, Y'ALL!
Me? I'm going to a family gathering tomorrow. It will be the first time our family has been together since the tragic death of my 18 year old nephew, Tyhler, last Easter. This time, if there are tears, it will be cuz we laughed so hard.

Thinking of my friends,

shay

4/9/2009 5:22:06 PM
|

4/7/2009 5:14:07 PM

Some Conceptions and Misconceptions
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8153072/BDSM-SomeConceptionsandMisconceptions?autodown=doc

I've seen many things on IRC that do not fit into anything I've learned in real life. Although some are relatively harmless, they do add to the confusion of what is expected of new submissives in a real-life situation, as well as online. These are only a few of the more obvious ones.

1.      Kneeling at a Dominant's Feet It is my experience that kneeling does not come into play until a submissive is under the protection or care of a Dominant. Kneeling is an outward sign of submission and respect and should not be taken lightly. It signifies a relationship between the submissive and Dominant and without some sort of interaction between them, kneeling is not expected and shouldn't be done. Online I've seen totally unknown submissives kneel before every Dominant on the channel and addressed each as Master or Mistress. I have wondered where this practice began and have reached the conclusion that it's done by those who have little or no real life experience. I think too many submissives get their ideas from the "Beauty" books or from visiting the land of Gor. While these books and channels can be amusing, they are NOT the basis for a realistic D/s relationship. There are many positions that submissives take when kneeling before their Master/Mistress. The Dominant will teach His/Her submissive what is most pleasing to them.

2.      Using the term "Master/ Mistress" Again, this should not be taken lightly and is very much overplayed online. A Dominant is not your Master or Mistress until there is an agreement made between the two of you and an exchange of power has taken place. The more appropriate term "Sir/Ma'am" should be used until you have truly given control of yourself to this person. You might gain a better understanding of the correct use of these terms after reading the discussion held in #Ithaka_Bound by Master John.

3.      Taking your place with your Dominant. Once ownership has been established, submissives are expected to take their specified place when in the presence of their Dominant. Dominants have their own preferences and standards, and it's the duty of the Dominant to make sure His/Her submissive knows what is expected. One thing I've noticed online that I've not seen in real life is the practice of a female submissive "hopping in Master's lap." It seems to be quite commonplace online but is a rarity in a realistic situation. Most submissives sit near or at the Dominant's feet, either on the floor or on a low stool provided for them. Some remain in a relaxed kneeling position at their owner's feet in some social situations where sitting on the floor may not be advisable. If the Dominant wishes to have His submissive on His lap, He will direct her to do so. She is not to ask for this pleasure or assume it on her own, but is to accept what His preferences are at the time.


4/5/2009 6:36:00 PM

Stigma & Truth
some dangerous myths exploded

http://www.fetishexchange.org/stigma.shtml
  There are all sorts of knockdowns on the subject of erotic power exchange around, all of them often used by legislators as well as others who oppose erotic power exchange. All of these are based on assumed psychological or psychiatric "knowledge" or "facts." The fact of the matter is that none of these are actually true or proven. We've collected the most common ones around and compared them with the real facts.
  "Once you start, you will want more and more"
  This is what pseudo-experts will introduce as the "stepping stone theory." In other words, once you have tasted the effects of, for example, pain, you will want more and more of it and it will end in excessive behavior and addiction. In fact there is no stepping stone theory (the term originates from research into the causes of drug-addiction in the late 1960's) as far as erotic power exchange is concerned. Fact number two is this. Like almost anything about erotic power exchange, there has never been serious and published scientific research on this subject. Next, all research commonly referred to as being about EPE has been research done in individual cases or extremely small groups. Any conclusions, based on this research, are not valid for the entire group. Research has predominantly been done by psychiatrists and psychologists - into cases that all relate to direct questions for help or significant health-related problems. And the objective of almost all these articles is to promote the therapy of that particular therapist. General sociological research in the area of erotic power exchange is rare and, if available, has been done predominantly in the gay community. Fact number three is that the reality of erotic power exchange shows an entirely different picture. People that are into erotic power exchange will usually start to experiment with it and in this experimental phase will usually want to explore all possibilities. As time progresses their emotions will settle down, pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and their wants and needs - once explored and identified - will settle down to the level that usually corresponds with the fantasies people originally had.
  "The need to go into power exchange always hides a traumatic experience"
  This knockdown is based on Freud who, as we all know, tried to explore the relationship between all sorts of human behavior - not only the sexual behavior - and (early) childhood experiences. His method is called psycho-analysis and in modern psychology is considered outdated. And it is becoming increasingly clear that Freud was predominantly using his "research" with the objective to find a partner, not with the goal to do any serious scientific research. Although it is a fact that some people who are into erotic power exchange have a history of abuse or childhood trauma, a general connection has never been established. What may be true in individual cases most certainly is not true as a general argument. What research did establish is that there are no significant differences between the number of people with a traumatic youth in the BDSM-community than there is in any other group. More recent research points to both genetic influences as well as to a creative and inquisitive mindset as factors that may be of influence to the development of erotic power exchange feelings and emotions. However, this research is far from finalized and in fact again is only limited to individual cases, like most of the scientific research done in this area. Another - relatively new - area that may play a role is the influence of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones, natural opiates, produced by the body and commonly known as "emotion" amino acids. Different mixtures of different types of endorphins will create different emotions. Some of these mixtures are created as a result of fear, stress and pain. What role they play when it comes to the development of erotic power exchange emotions is yet unknown.
  "The need for power exchange points to a stern upbringing"
  Again a "semi-Freudian" misconception and based on one case of one man, researched and published about by Freud. The fact of the matter is that most of the people that are into erotic power exchange have had a perfectly normal youth and upbringing and the majority come from families where sexuality was a subject that could be discussed freely and openly. Again there may be individual cases where people had a stern - or sometimes very religious - upbringing but whether or not there are any connections between upbringing and erotic power exchange emotions in general is yet to be determined and probably very unlikely as far as the development of the emotions as such is concerned.
  "People into erotic power exchange can not find full sexual satisfaction in other ways"
  People that are into erotic power exchange will usually consider their feelings and emotions important and will identify erotic power exchange as a lifestyle, but that does not mean they have a compulsive need. The lack of compulsive behavior in fact is what separates erotic power exchange from sadists and masochists. In fact in many cases people will identify their erotic power exchange emotions as entirely different than sexual emotions or - for example - an orgasm.
  "Dominant men are just male chauvinists"
  The fact of the matter is that the majority of dominant men are very caring, loving and open people. The position of the dominant man in erotic power exchange requires a lot of understanding, caring, trust and most of all a great interest in the wants and needs and emotions of his submissive partner. What to the outsider may seem a very strict, direct, powerful and maybe sometimes somewhat aggressive looking macho man in fact is only role play, using symbols and role behavior but underneath is a very caring person. The average submissive partner, when asked, will usually describe the dom as understanding - generally knowing more about his submissive partner than she does (or did) herself - supportive, careful, loving and protective.
  "Submissive women betray the movement for womens' rights"
  Being submissive and allowing these emotions to come out is a very self-confident statement and decision as well as a difficult and scary process. Submissive women are usually very self aware and are making very conscious decisions about their submissiveness. They are anything but "doormats" and have - generally speaking - gone through a long process of identifying and accepting themselves as well as their submissive feelings and emotions. Just as dominant erotic behavior is not an indication of general dominance, neither is submissiveness an indication that the women will display submissiveness in every day life. Usually they will be anything but submissive, although it is a fact that as long as submissive emotions have not settled down, submissive women sometimes may have trouble separating some of their submissive feelings from other things. The agurment itself originates from hardline feminist activists that - predominantly out of fear for unwanted influence - try to seperate women from other opinions than the ones such activists have.
  "People who are dominant in every day life are submissive in bed and vice versa"
  Sexual/erotic behavior is usually not an indication for any other form of social behavior, neither are there any proven links between the two. Dominants can have both dominant as well as non-dominant positions in every day life and the same goes for submissives. A female executive can be submissive in the bedroom, a male nurse can be dominant. The above statement is a classic example of stereotyping, mainly based on pornography and stories from prostitutes who - through indicating they have "socially important customers" - in fact try to market their profession and often use arguments like these in a rather naive effort to gain more social acceptance and respect for their trade.
  "Erotic power exchange is dangerous"
  There are all sorts of stories around about accidents, that happened during erotic power exchange sessions. The most "famous" one around is the story about the man who - after cuffing his wife to the bed - climbed the nearest cupboard in an effort to jump on her, broke his legs and the couple had to wait for two days before help arrived. This story - like many others - is around in almost all countries and - like all others - is a tall story. Of course, anything one does without sufficient knowledge can be risky or even dangerous. The truth of the matter is that safe, sane, voluntary and informed consentual erotic power exchange is perfectly safe, provided people know what they are doing.


4/2/2009 5:06:01 PM

10 Ways to Begin Taking Control with Positive Thinking. http://emotionaltrauma.org/
At first glance, it would seem that positive thinking and Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) have nothing to do with one another. But many of us with ADD develop negative thinking patterns because we become frustrated by our challenges and frequent feelings of being overwhelmed. This negative outlook then makes it even harder for us to manage those challenges and move forward.
  Practicing positive thinking allows people with ADD to focus on our strengths and accomplishments, which increases happiness and motivation. It will help in better using your time to work on making progress, rather than feeling discouraged and helpless. The following tips provide practical suggestions that you can use to help you shift into more positive thinking patterns :
  1. Remember there is only ONE of YOU, so taking good care of yourself is first and foremost.
  When you take good care of yourself by eating healthy, exercising and getting adequate rest, it is much easier to be positive.
  2. Remind Yourself of the Things You Are Grateful For
  Stresses and challenges don’t seem quite as bad when you are constantly reminding yourself of the things that are good in life. Taking just 60 seconds a day to stop and appreciate the good things will make a huge difference. 
  3. Look for the Proof Instead of Making Assumptions
  A fear of not being liked or accepted sometimes leads us to assume that we know what others are thinking, but our fears are usually not reality. If you have a fear that a friend or family member’s bad mood is due to something you did, or that your co-workers are secretly gossiping about you when you turn your back, speak up and ask them. Don’t waste time worrying that you did something wrong unless you have proof that there is something to worry about.
  4. You Should Not Use Absolutes
  Words like, ’ALWAYS’ or ’NEVER’ when used in a negative descriptive way, such as: “You NEVER call me any more” will only increase the negative experience. Thinking and speaking absolutes in this way will only work to make the situation seem worse than it really is, and will cause you to believe something about others that very well may not be true.
  5. Get Rid of ALL Negative Thoughts that cause Anxiety
  Your thoughts can hold power over you if you don’t judge them. When a negative thought begins to invade your thinking, you need to recognize it right away as a negative influence, immediately change your thinking by turning it around to something that will make you stronger and happier.
  6. Squash the “ANTs”
  In his book “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” Dr. Daniel Amen talks about “ANTs” - Automatic Negative Thoughts.
  These are the bad thoughts that are usually reactionary, like “Those people are laughing, they must be talking about me” or “The boss wants to see me, it must be bad”! Begin to recognize these ANTs for what they really are, and then stomp down on them!
  7. Practice Lovin’, Touchin” & Squeezin” (Your Friends and Family)
  Giving and receiving a good hug can go along way in making your day better. Positive physical contact with friends, loved ones, and even pets, is an instant pick-me-up. There was a research study conducted, in which a waitress was told to gently touch some of her customers on the arm as she gave them their checks. She received higher tips from these customers than from the ones she didn’t touch!
  8. Be Involved with Some Sort of Social Activity
  By increasing social activity, you will decrease loneliness. Surround yourself with healthy, happy people, and their positive energy will affect you in a positive way.
  9. Be Involved with Helping Other People or Volunteer in an Organization
  Everyone feels good after helping. There are several ways to do this, you can volunteer your time, resources or money. You may have heard it said, ’Give and it shall be given’, this is a true saying and the more positive energy you put in the world, the more you will get back.
  10. Have a New Thought Pattern to Fight Against Depressing Thoughts.
  A great way to stop thinking unconstructive thoughts is to interrupt the pattern by forcing yourself to begin thinking and doing something completely different. Recognize old thought patterns that may be hyper-focusing on something negative. It’s never productive, because it’s not rational or solution-oriented, it’s just excessive worry. You can change what your thinking by doing something different, like going for a walk outdoors. You could also call a friend, pick up a book, or turn on some music.
  Find sayings, scripture verses or quotes that will help motivate you to remain positive in your thinking, the following are some of my favorites: Oprah Winfrey - “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” A Swedish Proverb - “Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”


4/1/2009 11:39:27 AM

Psychological trauma
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia                    
  Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
  A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way.
  Psychological trauma may accompany physical trauma or exist independently of it. Typical causes of psychological trauma are sexual abuse, violence, the threat of either, or the witnessing of either, particularly in childhood. Catastrophic events such as earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, war or other mass violence can also cause psychological trauma. Long-term exposure to situations such as extreme poverty or milder forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse, can be traumatic (though verbal abuse can also potentially be traumatic as a single event).
  However, different people will react differently to similar events. One person may experience an event as traumatic while another person would not suffer trauma as a result of the same event. In other words, not all people who experience a potentially traumatic event will actually become psychologically traumatized


3/31/2009 12:11:01 PM

BDSM vs. Abuse

The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is "consent".
* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT

S&M

* Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* S&M is a controlled environment
* S&M has safe words to stop the scene
* In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves
* in S&M the dominant respects limits
* In S&M there is mutual respect
* In S&M the relationship is fulfilling
* In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In S&M one can ask their partner to "play"
* In S&M relationship there is trust
* In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* S&M is about building trust
* S&M builds self esteem
* S&M builds the spirit of a submissive

Abuse

* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated.
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim



Dominants!!! Before you get in trouble know :
* A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. Watch for your submissives well
being
* "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and
during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know thy sub. Don't let her flip out.
* Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after each
use. Do Not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes, without changing condoms.
* Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being, who has given you the gift of trust.
Don't abuse that trust.
* Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a measly second to lose. For a moment of gratification, don't ruin someone's life.


Don't be abused...Recognize the Signs


3/30/2009 10:18:34 AM

http://www.domsub.info/faq.shtml#need%20training
Why does a submissive need 'training'?
  Western culture generally represents that to be submissive in a domestic relationship is 'wrong.' (To be fair, there is no such thing as a 'neutral' culture.) Part of the reason for 'training' is to 'level the playing field.' Training provides an alternative socialization that helps remove the unconscious objections to submission that result from socialization in Western culture.
  Some of the biggest problems faced by subs stem from the fight to reconcile their need for submission with the cultural view that submission is a personal fault. Countless new subs end up berating themselves because they view their need for submission as a character flaw. A large part of training is to help a submissive take pride in their submission. One might call it, "self-acceptance" training.
  Another aspect is that, to some degree, obedience is a teachable trait. If a Dominant wants a high level of obedience from a sub, it is helpful to train that submissive to obey.
Do all Dominants want multiple submissives?
  No, but is not uncommon. As with all relationships, the people in the relationship determine its nature. Some people have open relationships, some closed relationships. Some people have relationships that fall under the title 'poly-amorous fidelity,' where three or more individuals are involved in a closed relationship. All manner and sorts of relationships exist with the D/s community.
What is the difference between D/s and BDSM?
  There is a fair amount of overlap in how the terms are used, but in general:
  D/s is an acronym that stands for Dominance & submission. D/s generally refers to the authority and responsibility transfer between a Dominant and a sub; i.e., D/s relates to who makes and is responsible for decisions. The range of decisions included depends on the people involved, and may be limited to the bedroom or extend to any area of life.        
  BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism. BDSM generally refers to the physical interaction during a 'scene,' such as ropes and paddles. However, BDSM can also include non-physical interaction such as humiliation play, and often the term BDSM is used to include D/s as well. It is a term that came from the fusing of the term S&M (sadism & masochism) with the term B&D (bondage & discipline). B&D was a term that was put forth by the leather community in an attempt to remove itself from term S&M, which had a strong negative connotation at the time.


3/29/2009 11:44:21 AM

Consent With Awareness
Article 8 of 12
Author: Master Eso © 2004 http://www.leathernroses.com/eso/esoconsent.htm

 I am really not sure what the motivation behind concealing the truth and realities of consensual slavery is, as can be seen so often in other groups professed to APE/TPE lifestyle, or in the mainstream BDSM community in general. Maybe some might think one can catch more flies with honey.

Masters however, need slaves who enter an APE/TPE with awareness, not flies.

I'm afraid much more damage is done to the newcomers and aspiring slaves, by romanticizing, beautification and modification of the reality of the APE/TPE lifestyle.

This is not a membership drive and we are not recruiters. Well, at least I'm not.

I truly believe it is imperative that aspiring slaves are confronted with the truth, and nothing but the truth. An aspiring slave must know and understand the realities of APE/TPE slavery, its dynamics, structures and what is expected of them. And that without romanticizing and beautification and preferable before they accept a Masters collar and enter into a APE/TPE.

A slave has no rights nor does she have the luxury of saying no to Master. She has no limits of her own and will accept and adopt her Masters boundaries. A slave might be broken, and if necessary completely, humiliated, degraded and mold and rebuilt, to her Masters wants, needs and specifications, and yes, a Master will do as he sees fit. A slave has no more control, her time and her body is no longer hers. She lives and exists only to serve and please her Master. A slave will serve, obey and submit, or face punishment, some more then others. A slave might be beaten, caged or gagged and many other things she never dreamed of. Once she consented and accepted her Masters collar, she is no longer free. She is her Masters slave and property.

Slavery is not all about the slave. It is in fact, all about the Master. APE/TPE is not Vanilla Kink, it is not Dom/sub BDSM role play. APE/TPE is consensual slavery. Absolute and unconditional.

I truly believe if aspiring slaves are properly educated, informed and prepared, confronted with the realities beforehand, without holding anything back, there would be a lot fewer “slaves” running and crying "abuse".

And that is exactly why I am dedicated to let the newcomers and aspiring slaves know up front what the realities of APE/TPE really are. And that is also why I do not sit idly by, when “Vanilla Thinking”, misconceptions or misleading distortions and statements creep up.

Modern day consensual slavery is quite possible both, “real” consensual slavery, and an old-fashioned or ancient form of marriage, as in ancient times the dynamics of marriage were more then similar to our modern day consensual slavery.

As marriage, consensual slavery is vowed and committed by word of honor. Even that marriage has always been vowed before “God” does not change the fact, that it rest entirely on the consenting parties, honor, integrity, respect and most of all their sense of loyalty.

What has however changed is the laws of mostly the western society, which turned “vanilla” in regards of marriage.

In ancient times, marriage vows were enforceable by the husband (Master) in accordance with the laws of the respective society. Nowadays, divorce or separation is enforceable by the wife (slave) in accordance of our now “vanilla” society.

However, the meaning of commitment through ones word of honor is unchanged.

This is the reason that a slave cannot release herself from her Masters collar without her Masters explicit consent and approval. When a slave consented to be her Masters slave, she gave up that right, and must now be held by her word (vows) of honor.

Even today there remain many societies in which divorce is not legally possible, and even in some societies where divorce is legally possible, the wife will remain a “chained woman”, unless released by her husband.

Although the commitment to consensual slavery cannot be enforced by the laws of our society, the commitment and vows, are or should be just as much binding, by word of honor.

Consent with awareness saves all of us much time, effort and hurt feelings. APE/TPE simply is not for everyone, and only an informed slave can consent with awareness.


3/28/2009 7:24:52 PM
WINDSHIELD BUG

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable 
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. 
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl 
was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car 
windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a 
young age, the father replied, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.. 
'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

3/28/2009 10:49:00 AM
Ten Qualities
That Make a Good Mistress
(or Master)
http://www.bdsm-dominatrix-mistress-fire.com/BDSM/bdsm_10qualities.htm

1. Control
.
Above all, a good Mistress is always in control of herself. She does not rant or rave, and never punishes when angry. On the rare times that temper overwhelms her, she walks away until she regains balance. After all, how can a Domme control her sub if she can't control herself?
2. Creative. A good Dominant puts time, energy and creativity in her scenes. She is not satisfied playing the same games over and over, and goes the extra length to come up with new and different ideas.
3. Human. The best Mistress knows she is human. She realizes she will make mistakes, and is quick to apologize when she does. She knows she won't be thought of as any less "Dommly" because of an apology. On the flip side, she realizes that others will make mistakes also, and even though she may punish for the mistake, she accepts an apology graciously and puts the event in the past.
4. Compassionate. A good Mistress is compassionate. She cares about her sub(s), friends and family. She takes time to listen and respond to the needs of others. She isn't selfish and doesn't have the illusion that the world revolves around her.
5. Technique. A good Domme works on her play technique. She knows how to use her toys and practices frequently. She reads the latest books and talks to others in the scene. An effective Mistress tests her toys on herself before she uses them on her sub.
6. Consistent. The best FemmeDom is consistent in her instructions and requests. She doesn't give her sub conflicting commands. She delivers equal punishment for equal offenses, and equal rewards when pleased. She is firm in her direction and does not waiver when faced with a difficult situation.
7. Thorough. An effective Dominant is thorough. She directs a scene from start to finish to better allow her sub to achieve headspace. She takes away all distractions and decisions...telling her sub what position she desires, what needs she wants fulfilled, and how this is best accomplished.
8. Respectful. A good Mistress respects herself and others. She strives to always project herself in the best possible light, and expects the same from her submissives. She is well groomed, and takes pride in her looks. She takes good care of her toys and equipment.
9. Safe. A Domme worth playing with is safe. She is aware of the damage she can cause a submissive and does her best to prevent harm. She knows first-aid and attends classes periodically to keep herself updated.
10. Communication. A good Domme is an effective communicator. She says what she means, and means what she says. She is specific and chooses her words carefully. She doesn't rant, nag or whine because she knows this shows a lack of control. She states instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.

3/27/2009 1:04:25 PM

Permanent Marks in BDSM - How to Identify Your Submissive by the Marks You Choose
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/959946/permanent_marks_in_bdsm_how_to_identify.html
  Permanent marks are something submissives and doms regularly think about. There is nothing like the thrill of knowing that your submissive is carrying some form of mark somewhere on his or her body to proudly show your ownership. There is also the downside of having that mark after a failed relationship. Relationships do fail and therefore it is never advisable to have a tattoo done on someone's thigh that contains your name before you know that the relationship is a serious one. Many people have made that mistake and consequently had to pay a lot to reverse the mark or try to explain it to a new partner afterwards.
  How many forms of permanent marks are there though? The first one I can think of is branding, hot or cold. Then there are tattoos and cuttings. All of these have their pros and cons and their risks too. It is important to consider the risks before you jump right in and subject your submissive to it. 
  Branding first. What is branding? It is the burning of a symbol, name or other image of ownership into the skin of a person with the intention of making the scar permanent using a hot or cold iron. The important things to take into account when doing this is to make sure that infection does not occur, that the metal is at the right temperature, that it is held on the skin for only one to two seconds as it could injure a person if it stays there for much longer. You also need to take the person's skin type into account.
  What all of this tells me is that if a master and slave decides to do this, they should get an expert to do the branding. Another factor that makes branding so popular is that the submissive shows their willingness to take pain for the dominant in order to show the world that he or she belongs to that dominant. Pain pills could help get a submissive through this and the dominant has to have these on hand directly after the event. The scar should also be carefully tended to prevent any infection.


3/24/2009 4:10:30 PM
'TUDE 
http://www.bestslavetraining.com/attitude.htm
How attitudes are formed: 
  Attitudes are formed about a particular object by direct experience with the object, repeated association that produces a response, and observing others.
An attitude serves one or more of the following three purposes:

1) We develop favorable attitudes toward objects that reward or aid us and unfavorable attitudes toward objects that thwart or punish us.

2) It provides a schematic or knowledge function and a means to group categories together.  It simplifies life by allowing us to group objects perceived to be similar under the same label.  It allows us to quickly base an opinion about an object based upon past experiences and learning about a similar object. One key to changing attitude about an object is to change the label associated with the object to a more favorable one.

3) It defines one's self and maintains self-worth. Many attitudes express basic values and reinforce self-image.

A person’s attitude about an object is usually not isolated, but is embedded in a cognitive structure, linked with a variety of other attitudes.  That is why it is difficult to change a person’s attitude.
Attitudes have a vertical and horizontal structure:
  Vertical structure
means that a primary belief will effect many minor beliefs under it.  An attempt to change a minor belief will not effect the major structure of an attitude.  The source of the attitude must be examined.  Just telling a slave that she has a bad attitude will not cause a change.  A core belief can cause attitudes about a wide range of objects.
  Horizontal structure is when an attitude is linked to two or more different justifications.  An attitude with two or more horizontal linkages or justifications is more difficult to change than one based on a single primitive belief.  Changing a belief about one linkage will not change overall attitude because a second belief also upholds the attitude.  Each linkage must be examined and the thought process related to it must be challenged.
Some questions to ask about an attitude:
How long have you held this belief?
What happened that caused you first to feel this way about the object?
What were you doing when you first remember acting that way?
Why do you feel that way about the object?
Is this attitude helping or hurting your slavery?
Techniques for changing attitude:
  If you change a slave's attitude,  then you can change her behavior.  According to social psychology,  a Master can change a slaves attitude by one of the following techniques:  (Note: I don't consider it a complete list)
1)   Foot-in-the-Door Technique.  To get someone to change an attitude or grant a favor, begin with a small attitude change or favor.  The theory is that a second change is easier after the first one.  This is the method used on American POW's during the Korean War. 
2)  Door-in-the-Face Technique.  First,  ask for an outrageous attitude change or favor, then reduce it to a much smaller and more reasonable one.   It works best if there is not much time between requests.
3)  Ask-and-you-shall-be-given Technique.  People will respond by giving to what is seen as a good cause.
4)  Lowballing Technique.  A person is influenced because they perceive a low stake in it.  Once the decision is made, the stakes can be increased.
5)  Modeling.  Modeling the behavior of someone else increases the likelihood that they will change. 
6)  Incentives Techniques.   Incentives work well for changing behavior but not attitude. A person can go to work for the money, but still dislike the job.
7)  Role Playing.   Role refers to behaviors that are expected of someone in a particular social setting.   A slave is expected to act as a slave and therefore her behavior will change to meet her behavior.
Different views on how attitude is changed:
Below are three theories of how attitudes are changed:

1) Cognitive Dissonance Theory: 
  Cognitive dissonance is a mental discomfort (conflict) caused by a discrepancy between two or more  personal beliefs or between beliefs and behavior.  This provides motivation  to change either an attitude or behavior to reduce dissonance.    
  In slave training,  the slave knows that she can't change her behavior,  because it is structured by her Master, therefore she is motivated to change her attitude to maintain a balance.
2)  Reactance Theory:
When a slave feels her freedom of choice is being unjustly restricted, she is motivated to re-establish it. (see section on Resistance & Reactance for more detail.
3) Self-Perception Theory:
This theory states that attitude and emotions are inferred from behavior.  It states that people don't know their attitude, until they stop and examine their behavior.    They will first search for an external explanation and if none exists,  they will turn to internal ones.  


3/23/2009 11:18:54 AM

http://www.bestslavetraining.com/punishment.htm
General information - Punishment and Discipline in the bdsm lifestyle:
  In the BDSM lifestyle there is usually a distinction made between punishment and discipline.   B.E.S.T. slave training involves the use of both in the training of a slave.             
Discipline is training employed by the Master to teach proper behavior and obedience.  Discipline is described as instruction and exercise; training, whether physical, mental or moral.   Generally the time spent training your slave to kneel, stand, speak and so on is defined as discipline training.  It is also training to adjust attitude.  One of the uses is to teach and practice proper behavior.               
Punishment is correcting misbehavior.  It’s a penalty imposed on the slave for wrongdoing.  It’s used after the slave has displayed bad behavior to:
1) demonstrate to the slave that her Master is displeased,
2) show that the behavior was unacceptable and her actions have consequences and
3) provide reinforcement for a change to proper behavior.Punishment focuses on behavior, intentional or not.  Because behavioral modification is important; punishment can be administered to the slave if the bad behavior is unintentional.   However, the method and severity of punishment may very depending on if the behavior was intentional or unintentional. 
  The slave may not like the consequences that her Master applies, but she accepts them because they apply to her and are for her  betterment.  Punishment should always aim to improve the slave's behavior. 
  Punishment does not always involve corporal punishment.  Punishment is anything administered by the Master that is very uncomfortable to the slave for the purpose of changing behavior.  It could be having the slave stand in the closet, go to bed early, restriction of privileges, ignoring her, caging, bondage, or many other forms.
  Example: (ping pong ball and/or egg timer)
  A ping pong ball can be used for both discipline and punishment, depending on how applied.   A slave can be told to hold a ping pong ball to a wall with her nose for a period of time.  
  She can be placed in various positions then the Master starts an egg timer and the slave must remain in that position until the egg timer alarms.  She is then given a second position to hold and the egg timer is reset.  This can go as long as you wish, you can keep setting the timer and giving her new positions.  Challenging positions can be used for punishment.    Let your imagination be your guide.    Many egg timers can be set for 30 minutes or more, if you wish to make her hold a position that long.   
  Punish can be the taking away of privileges; loss of the use of a computer, car, or  television. 
  Another punish could be to have her repeatedly write out a sentence or thought on paper.  This is helpful is he is not with his slave and wants to see a positive action taken by her before he gets home.  He can tell her to write what she has done wrong or what she needs to do on paper several time and show him when he gets home.   He can also sent her some place (another room) to write while he does something else. 
  In the bondage section of this website,  I discuss some uses of bondage as discipline or punishment.
  If the slave is a heavy masochist, then something other than corporal punishment might be warranted.  It goes without saying, that punishment is not intended to be fun or provide pleasure.    A slave should not be allowed to misbehave to fulfill her masochist needs and never rewarded for bad behavior.   Don't let what you intend to be a punishment be a reinforcement for bad behavior.    Being placed behind the couch in the living room or den for an afternoon can teach her a valuable lesson.  If she makes a noise or disrupts you in any way, her time behind the couch can be extended.   The use of physical bondage is not necessary, using mental bondage by instructing her to remain quite, still and out of site.   In general,  the more she loves pain, the less it should be routinely applied as punishment and the more care it takes in administering pain as punishment. 
  To enable a slave to properly serve you on a daily basis, she should have full knowledge of what behavior is expected of her.  What is expected of her should be constant and clearly defined by her Master.  This is why written rules, positions descriptions, and protocols are important.  The importance of discipline training and communication can not be understated in the overall  training process.
  As I have stated in other portions of this website,  not all Masters believe in using written rules, guidelines, and protocols.  That of course is their decision.   It is my opinion that written rules help provide a clear path for the slave and a stronger foundation for her change.  I'll admit it takes more time and effort, but I believe the effort is worth it.        
  Punishment is a type of coercive power.  Coercive power is one of the 5 forms of interpersonal power one person has over another. 


3/22/2009 4:45:04 PM
Chapter 1 - Finding a Submissive
http://www.darkconnections.com/mentors/dominantfieldguide.html

Intuition and common sense are your most valuable instincts.

Look for the same personality/qualities you would look for in a vanilla partner.

Be clear and honest about what you are seeking in a relationship.

Make sure your sub understands whether you are looking for a monogamous or poly situation.

Before you attempt poly, make sure you can handle that first sub.

Make a list of mandatory questions to ask prospective subs.

A sub that refuses to answer basic questions, especially regarding his or her medical history, has something to hide.

Pass over prospective subs who obviously aren't compatible with your needs.

Don't rush blindly into relationships because you are so eager to have a sub.

Collars should not be given out without serious consideration and intent.

Being a Dominant doesn’t give you the right to order around every sub you come in contact with.

Subs are not obligated to have sex or give tributes to you.

Be wary of subs who want financial support, or who are frequently collared and released.

Talk to other subs and Dom/mes before you meet someone new. Get references.

Expensive fetish clothes/toys or a collection of collars does not make a submissive.

Some subs exaggerate their lifestyle experience in order to impress Dom/mes.

A sub with many years of experience may still be a total asshole or mentally unstable.

A sub has a right to leave you.


3/21/2009 12:02:28 PM
The D/s Cheat Sheet
http://www.submissiveloving.com/ds-cheat-sheet.html

The Rules: There aren't any.
How to be a submissive: Submit
How to be a dominant: Be a leader.
How to Choose a Dominant or submissive: The same way you would choose anyone to share your life. Carefully.
The difference between a submissive and a slave: Whatever you want it to be. You're going to believe what you want to anyway. (see The Rules)
How to get your submissive to submit: If you have to ask, consider this is not for you or you've chosen the wrong person for you.
Physical pain and D/s: No, you don't have to. No, it doesn't make you less submissive/dominant.
Submission is a gift: Keep in mind we've all gotten crap gifts over the years. Gifts we've thrown away or exchanged. Like beauty, submission is in the eye of the beholder.
The mindset that submissives should be cowed to 'or else', is absurd. "Do what I want or I won't submit"? Get over yourself.
Good luck on your journey,
Cerina

3/20/2009 6:21:28 PM
Keep the Fires Burning
"All it takes is a little creativity, an open realistic mind
and a true desire for the BDSM to live forever"
It doesn't take a genius to run a BDSM relationship when things are intense and hot, lots of BDSM happening, lots of attention, no limitations to scenes etc. etc. The most serious problems in a long term relationship are the "low level periods" - where work, family, stress, vacation, etc. comes in between the relationship and BDSM.
  Over the years, we have come up with different methods to both reinforce the D/s relationship, even when the optimal conditions weren't present as well as ways to break the ice and get back to intense BDSM when conditions changed to the better. Below is a listing of some of the ideas that have worked for us - hopefully some can work as an inspiration for you as well:
GOING BEYOND LIMITS REGULARLY:
  An idea to avoid turning into a "MrNiceGuyDominant" could be to, say, once a month do something you know that your slave really doesn't like. Not because it's fun to take her there but because it ensures you that you're free to be in charge. Some might argue that you don't have to actually do it to feel that freedom, but for me it works that way. Quite a good part of my innovative brain doesn't seem to react to logical conclusions unless they're proven in reality. It's like it's something that has to be felt to really work, not a "think" thing. I'm not even sure its located in the brain. This feeling of truly being free to be in charge. For me it's located somewhere in my stomach maybe it's related to the submissive's fire, a dominant mirror of sorts. All I know is that for me, I have to actually extend the limits to truly feel the freedom to do so.
USE OF (EVEN SILLY) RITUALS:
  Another way to ensure that the fire keeps burning over time is the use of rituals. It doesn't have to have anything to do with rattling chains or cuffs. It can be anything. A silly example would be: Whenever the slave is in a situation where she can do things right to left or vice versa she ALWAYS does it left to right - like tying shoes for example. Always left shoe first - silly, I know, but it works excellent as a constant reminder of the roles, thus making D/s present, even when it isn't!
  Less silly rituals might be for the slave to keep a diary that the dominant can read whenever he feels like it. Not a diary written for his eyes, but a diary written for the slave herself. It is important that the diary is not written with the dominant in mind as the reader. If done as a personal thing it can be a bridge for the slave to express feelings - even feelings that don't necessarily suit a Master/slave relationship. Rather than telling her Master up front "Hey, I hate to do this or that", it might work better if it's done in more of a discrete way - like the "open diary".
  Some might argue, that a slave would not need an "open diary" because she should always be allowed to express herself and her feelings openly to her Master, and that he could just adjust to it or not as he wanted to - which I fully agree too. The "open diary" is not meant to be a replacement for good communication. However, there are things that aren�t big enough to bring up as a real problem, yet it sucks not to express it (since it's probably no big deal anyway). For us it works excellent to have this "in between solution" for issues that aren't of severe importance. Many of these small things, if the submissive was to express them throughout the day, it could easily end up being a limitation to the Master/slave relationship.
TAKING OFFICIAL TIME OFF:
  Most things in life go up and down - and for me the same goes for BDSM. There are times when I want to face life in a BDSM context 24 hours a day and there are times where I am focused on other things and really don't pay that much attention to BDSM.
  In the past, these periods changed without notice. All of a sudden things just shifted from being heavily BDSM to being limited BDSM. As it happened again and again I realized that this was how it worked for me. So rather than just turning the fire up or down without notice, I made it more formal. I simply invented different protocol modes for my slave.
  At times with low levels of BDSM activity she is told to be in relaxed protocol - meaning we approach each other pretty much like any vanilla couple would. Then at times with heavy BDSM activity, she is told to be on strict protocol - meaning we approach each other in a more formal way than most BDSM relationships I know of.
  Before declaring which protocol was present it seemed to leave both of us frustrated at times when we weren't tuned in to the same level. It could have been either way around. It could be me expecting more obvious submission than what I was seeing or could be her expressing her submission more obvious than I had eyes for at the time. In any case, it helped us greatly to declare the protocol in a formal way rather than just letting the protocol change.
USE OF SYMBOLISM:
  Since intense BDSM isn't happening 24 hours a day, it may be useful to use symbolism that will work as a reinforcer of the roles even when they aren't being lived out to the full extent. Examples might be the shaving of the submissive's pubic hair - as an indicator of her status towards both her Master but also her status compared to free people in general. Just like a child needs parental guidance, a slave needs guidance from her Master, thus the removal of the pubic hair works as an excellent symbol of a person with less freedom than the average adult person.
  Other symbols could be used for practical issues. For example, we have kids in our household, which means that BDSM cannot be lived out to the full extent all day long. There were times in the past where I was not aware that there were limitations to her submission and it really doesn't sound cool in the ears of a Master when he is told "ahem...uhm... sorry...but..ahem..the kids are still up".
  To solve this, I gave my slave a ring that she is using to indicate her level of availability. The ring has a gold-shaped triangle on the front side. When there are no limitations to her submission she wears the ring so that the triangle points towards her arm - otherwise it points towards the nail of her finger. Even when BDSM is not happening she has to adjust the ring, which works as a reinforcer of her submissive role. Even when BDSM is not present, say when we're watching a movie, I catch myself looking at her, seeing the ring pointing towards her arm, and I smile to myself as the movie keeps running.
  A fun use of symbolism that we have been using are hand signals. For example, when at a cafe, if I place my hand on the table while spreading two fingers, it means that she has to spread her legs and continue to spread them more and more until I stop spreading the fingers. Crossing my fingers means she has to cross her legs. Forming an "O" between my index finger and my thumb means she has to have an orgasm. Oh! the fun we have had when my sweet one suddenly had to excuse herself to go use the bathroom, returning back a few minutes later with blushing cheeks!
  Close to anything can be turned into a hand-sign that can only be read between you and your slave, allowing dominance to take place even when it might not be socially acceptable.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM - JOIN THEM:
  Using a phrase borrowed from business strategy theory, I'd like to introduce the last idea in this list. Often the life outside of BDSM works against the D/s relationship. However, it is often possible to adjust to things by being just a tiny bit predicable.
  For example, when our kids were smaller they'd sometimes wake up crying in serious need of attention. Now after this had happened 117 times during an intense scene, we decided to do something about it, rather than letting it spoil our scene. I defined what would happen IF it happened again. It could be most anything, like simply telling her to keep masturbating without cumming till I returned after putting the kids back to sleep, or for her to go put the kids back to sleep while leaving her buttplug in, or simply telling her to lay down on all four and work as a table till told otherwise. Then after putting the kids off to sleep, I'd go on using her as a table for whatever amount of time I wanted to.
  Another example could be going on business trips. It is pretty hard to maintain an active BDSM relationship while being physically away with only very limited communication for say 2 weeks. However, it could be an excellent opportunity to put the slave on chastity, since Master was not present anyway, she'd have no sex whatsoever until he returned. Or how about telling her that if someone called her and simply whistled, she'd have to offer phonesex on the spot, without being entirely sure of whom it was that was calling! It actually might be fun to do this, and after she reached climax have your female friend tell her "thank you" then hang up *g - oh well just an idea.
CONCLUSION:
  There are many threats to a long term BDSM relationship - the toughest ones don't have anything to do with BDSM. On the contrary, the worst threats are related to the periods of time where BDSM is less present.
  By adopting a realistic attitude and preparing for these times in advance it is possible to avoid or reduce the effect of many of these threats. All it takes is a little creativity, an open realistic mind and a true desire for the BDSM to live forever.

3/16/2009 11:27:12 AM

"I will survive!"
SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD (But you ain't heard it from me!)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 12 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on ... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bull,  just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!![Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
I know I'm gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to heck with your ego and to heck with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
I know I'm gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!


2/23/2009 4:19:22 PM
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/faq.shtml#rlmeet
How do I meet BDSM people in real-life?
VERY CAREFULLY! If you decide to attend a group gathering, make sure it's a reputable organization or individual putting it on. Do your homework! If you plan on meeting an individual, please read the many safety guidelines in this D/s Help & Info Pack. In short:
Make sure you know the person well and trust them before setting up a face-to-face meeting
Arrange to meet in a public place, and have your own transportation
Make sure a trusted friend knows where you are, who you are meeting, and when you expect to return (or arrange a time to check-in with them by phone)
Never expect or plan to engage in BDSM activity at a first meeting! It should be a social visit only, to get to know each other
These may sound overly cautious, but they are the guidelines suggested for any face-to-face meeting, and should be doubly stressed for BDSM people. There is a very real chance (and sadly, some very real horror stories) of people being taken advantage of and hurt very badly by unscrupulous people. Use your common sense and listen to your instincts - not your libido.
My online partner wants to meet RT, but I'm not sure if I'm ready yet.
Don't ever feel pressured to do anything you're not comfortable about. Listen to your instincts - if you feel a warning signal, listen to it! Anyone worth respecting will respect your concerns and be patient, if they truly care about your feelings. There are some unscrupulous people in this lifestyle (as in all groups of people) who can take advantage of the dynamics of D/s and "make" someone do something they're not ready for. Successful D/s is built on trust, patience, and understanding - not coercion.

2/19/2009 7:58:23 PM
Beauty & BDSM
http://www.bdsmrealm.com/modules.php?name=Magazine&file=article&sid=363
Arrogant demand, element of the play, contour factor? From fetish to the BBW movement, from vanilla deserters looking for identity to aesthetic BDSM scholars: deepening the aesthetic side of alternative sexuality.
Beauty in BDSM has different meanings. From the point of view of simple play, in the Dom- beauty becomes the reason for adoration, in the sub- a pleasure for the eyes (and the ego) of the Dom. But depending on the expectations of the individuals it can convey different meanings. At times in fact the standard canons of beauty are replaced by pictures of darkbeauty, where the denial of those criteria can even become object of desire. That when even ugliness or deformity come to be worth desirability in the BDSM field. So a Dom can be desired and appreciated precisely for his “terrifying” appearance, just like a sub can be chosen for his/her ugliness too, this being picked out as element of the humiliation. In other circumstances, in BDSM relationships where sexual desire has an essential role in particular, beauty can instead be regarded as an important factor, because it makes the play mate particularly desirable.
Context and self image
We live in a society that celebrates clearly the criteria of beauty and desirability: advertisement, movies, TV incessantly celebrate and motivate specific ideals of beauty. This aesthetisation takes us to self judging ourselves in comparison to models, actors and showbiz people. A comparison that marks, on average, our more or less great defeat. The image we have of ourselves is inevitably reflected in the way others relate to us. If those around us, friends and acquaintances, are eager to offer attention and kindness, wehave a desired and therefore desirable self image. If on the other hand nobody notices us or, worse, we are more or less explicitly scorned and disqualified, our own image will definitely suffer decline.
Who's Fat?
A peculiarity of the BDSM world is related to the claim, in it, of a specific value of personality with regards to aesthetics. An example is the BBW (Big Beautiful Women) movement that concretely gathers and ideologically represents the (many) overweight women who, tired of feeling second class women, claim their shape as a matter of pride. In the BDSM world specifically people of both genders find a new and differently valued relationship, because in both roles its possible to go back to being considered attractive and objects of desire. Further on we deepen the subject to figure out whether and how this is an opportunity or a danger, for now just consider that mere beauty, in BDSM, doesnt have the same counter value it has in the vanilla world.
Fetish and Glam
The term that sums up and identifies a specific link between BDSM and aesthetics is certainly Fetish. Cleared in the whole world by advertisement, the cult of plastic materials, leather, but also metals and all sorts of out-of-the-ordinary materials has in its own DNA the quest for beauty, for balance and artistic effect. But the beautiful in Fetish is more centred on the materials and on the interpretation of the alternative dress than on the mere aesthetics of the subjects. Often the purists consider with little enthusiasm the models that are photographed in fetish apparel or attitude as opposed to individuals that are much less gaudy but clearly more into the alternative sexuality. On the other side the fetish scholars despise just as much the debased and vulgar expressions that BDSM produces and that, once confined in third class porn, now fill up the Internet. Between the two poles of empty aesthetic representation and lowly vulgarity theres a vast and uneven range of expressions that go from highly professional but true in Mapplethorpe style photography to amateur. Wrapping up: in Fetish BDSM tries to become art or at least glamour.
Beauty Games: Adoration
Being adored, being the object of worship and attentions of all sorts is a quite rare condition. In the vanilla life veneration finds just few externalisations, in situations that have religious implications for instance (the ministry of a creed) or situations that have a strong emotional projection (as in the leader of a political group or a famous person). The most common exhibition of worship is however related to love affairs. It is very common for lovers to show non necessarily mutual devotion for the beloved one. It is ordinary experience to adore even the worst flaws of the beloved person. In a D/S relationship worship is frequent towards the Dom. Mostly celebrated in femDom situations, but existing in maleDom relationships too, the veneration that the sub offers has a very peculiar value. People who are used to receiving attention and being the object of passions, therefore desirable people, beautiful or appealing, will find in this situation an evidence but not a novelty. People who arent used to this kind of input will be inevitably strongly involved. Surely these injections of self esteem will be precious goods for the thirsty ones, up to the point of causing an actual addiction.
Beauty Games: Denial
A particularly intense game consists of punishing the narcissism of a sub who, being him/her right or wrong, thinks of himself as beautiful or desirable. This can happen debasing his looks in words in particular with audience. This debasing can be explicit, with direct remarks and actions, or it can be a subtle and prickly edge play. First case is when, for instance, gross or clumsy make up and clothes are imposed on a sub, who will be forced to attend social activities. An example of the second case is when a charming sub's attempts at appearing pleasant and nice in public are regularly cut short by the Dom who makes him/her feel ridiculous or insignificant with apparent indifference. Obviously this kind of games falls in the area of Mindfucking so we recommend to take the right care in the playing of such games.
Surprises and disappointments
Besides beauty in the world of BDSM there are other criteria of desirability which come alongside, swap and sum up to those outside it depending on the different points of view and this can create welcome surprises or unpleasant delusions; some might, for instance, surprisingly find their selves desirable and some might feel penalized as opposed to their usual appeal in the vanilla world. The high level of attentions, often the actual worship of the sub can result in a wonderful surprise. Can be a bit embarrassing but it's often very rewarding too. Not everyone can have the same amount of self esteem and self consciousness. For those who already have a high self esteem such a treatment can even become annoying, but for those who (and it's nothing to feel guilty about) aren't used to receiving attention and shows of desirability from the people around, can be a great change. Many find themselves extremely ror that they don't even exist at all) or, as it's usually heard of, real subs. On the other hand most subs will feel like they were not really dominated by their Dom, hence thinking they didn't meet real Doms. It is clear that what doesn't work isn't the actors, Dom and sub, and in their demanded realness, but in the construction of the relationship they both build.
Consolation Dominance
This intense re-evaluation explains the presence of people, both males and females, that compensate their lack in appeal and/or self esteem in the vanilla world taking the role of Dom in BDSM. This matter is extremely delicate and banalities should be avoided. Statements like ugly Mistresses are into BDSM just because they wouldn't find partners otherwise or a Master because nobody would ever respect Him otherwise aren't only plain painful but are also very often wrong.
Vanilla disappointment or BDSM victory?
Many have, for instance, been disappointed in the vanilla world right because in it they were looking for emotions and dynamics of the BDSM world, maybe not knowingly. It is obvious that those who wanted to deliver sufferance and having excitement and gratification in exchange lived difficult relationships, maybe even having the luck of meeting masochists or subdued partners, simply because they both couldn't manage a relationship that accepted their desires. Same way as those who wanted, once again unconsciously, to take forms of humiliating or painful pressure from their partner might have lived disappointing purely vanilla relationships. These vanilla failures can become victories in the BDSM world: it's clear that this isn't an escape but an important discovery or the self and of a correct placement of their own desires.
Running Identities
When on the contrary the vanilla failure from which the subject escapes doesn't concern dynamics or factors that could find their place in the BDSM world, then it's all about a sad condition. Sad for these people, disappointing when not painful for those involved with them. They look for an identity that fits them comfortably in a way that the disappointing vanilla one didn't and they get into the BDSM world because they find a method in the roles, a way of relating to others where they can hide the inconsistency of their personalities. I wouldn't wish that anybody find these unfortunate deserters one reason why among a thousand not to start a BDSM relationship with unknown people especially met OUTSIDE of the BDSM context too. These individuals that in BDSM take with eagerness a role often do not have a personality that is able of expressing itself out of it.
Back to beauty
In conclusion, beauty in BDSM can be an important element with it's being there or with the lack of it, and in both cases it can be an element of the play, it can have an essential role in creating the game or be part of a BDSM manifestation. But be it beauty an accessory, a benefit, a reason for joy or the result of sufferance, a refined quest or a representation, there's one thing that stays undeniable, the general but consoling motto: beautiful is just what you like.

2/16/2009 5:01:17 PM
http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/softs_poetry/abuse.html
Abuse. Such a simple word with such immense impact.
  I thought for some time about what to call this page and could think of no other title but “Abuse”. But, the word does not say it all. Abuse is so prone form of abuse) as a child may batter their children. Or a woman who lived in a home where her mother was battered, will more readily accept to be battered herself. It is a pattern. It becomes a conditioned response to what we saw, learnt and felt at an early stage of our development.
  Abuse happens when one person feels they have the right and are entitled to control another. Abuse may be delivered through fear and intimidation, and often includes the threat or use of violence. Abuse is a crime. It is not BDSM.
  One of the core principles of BDSM is “Safe, Sane and Consentual”. Silence or acquiescence is not consent – they result out of fear. Being beaten until you can barely move is not safe – it is battering. Believing you have the right to physically or psychologically harm another is not sane – it is a disease.
  This lifestyle is no different from any other. Abusers exist within it. Some are serious life-stylers; others are not. There are those who hide behind the veil of BDSM to exploit their disease. To have a safe haven to inflict pain and abuse on another. Just as there are those who have been victimized who seek shelter and validation of their self-image within the lifestyle.
  I submit to Toran. I do not fear him. I do not fear for my life when I place my vulnerability into his hands. I do not cringe at the thought of a sexual scene. For he does not abuse or take for granted his power and control of me, by virtue of our mutual D/s relationship. He does not use my vulnerabilities as weapons with which to humiliate, belittle, or torture me. He guides me and helps me to grow and deal with my fears. He is ever aware of the impact he may have on me. And, he guards the submission I offer him as a treasure. This is BDSM. This is Safe, Sane and Consentual. This is not abuse.
  Take a moment and reflect. Do you know someone who is abused? Do you suspect that a friend or relative is being abused? Are you abused? Such simple questions – such a huge impact on one’s life. Please, if you are or if you do, reach out, help. Break the silence that is abuser’s greatest weapon. 
  I have found many wonderful sites with information and resources dealing with the subject of abuse. Many of them are listed at the bottom of this page. Some have checklists, questionnaires, articles and dialogues. Please, if you or someone you know is abused or you think you might be, check these sites out, and reach out for help.

2/10/2009 9:37:19 AM

How Should the Dom End the Relationship?? http://www.submissiveloving.com/ending.html 

  Scenario:
The Dominant has decided it is best to end a relationship with a submissive.
  This isn't quite the same as ending a vanilla relationship. A sub has "given" themselves over to another human being, thus putting them at some level of subspace ALL the time. Does a Dom simply send a letter and sever all contact? (growl) Does the Dom try to "let us down easy" and sugar coat the facts?? (growl growl) OR does the Dom accept the responsibility he wanted in the first place and explain all the facts and reasons to the submissive AND help her/him through the transition? Give me your feedback. How should a Dom end a relationship with a sub?
  Ok...so it is not a perfect world. I accept that. My problem is this: The "Doms" (please notice quotations) do not seem to take into account the psychological makeup of a submissive. We strive at all times to please. When we are released it becomes obvious *to us* that we have *not pleased* EVEN if that is not the case. It is part of our makeup to blame ourselves for a relationship ending. Therefore, I feel that "Doms" have a responsibility to create the least stress free release possible.

Cerina
The Dom's View-S. Garrett.
  The first step is:
Be certain it is the relationship you want to change. All too often the Dom is looking for a change in the terms of reference - there are far more civilised and effective ways of achieving that.
  Second:
Ensure that You (the Dom, of course) have a clear understnding of why it is you want to end the relationship. If you have done your homework on the first step than this should be easier. Your sub is entitled to a clear explanation of why her world has fallen in and 'it is not you love, it is me' does not cut it. If you find it difficult to establish the reasons, you might want to consider if you are really cut out for D/s anyway.
  Thirdly:
Tell your sub in the kindest way you can. DO NOT ACT LIKE AN @#%$ in the hope that she will end it first! Allow time for her to progress through the stages of her response to rejection - this will require you to sit there and hear some home truths - although she worshipped you, that does not mean that she thought you were perfect by any means.
  Finally: Help her to find closure. You invested a considerable time in training her to surrender everything to you. You owe it to her to spend at least that amount of time in training her not to rely on you any more but that *that* does not mean she can never trust again.
  Having reviewed your obligations when it comes to ending a relationship, the neophyte Dom might be forgiven in believing that the whole thing is not worthwhile. My advice, if such is the case, is for you it probably is not. If you are not entering into a relationship with the firm belief that this is not going to just be your next sub, but yor last one - then do not do it!
The Submissive's View - Cerina
  I chose this topic because so many people have been getting hurt by nasty breakups that I thought it was time to address the issue.
  Interesting thing though...all of the submissives seem to understand the need for release advice and that a D/s relationship needs more loving care in the end than a vanilla one, but the Doms will argue until they are blue in the face that breaking up with a submissive is no different than breaking up with a vanilla woman. I beg to differ gentlemen. You obviously have not done any homework at all regarding the psychology of the sub. How can you expect to understand your submissive if you have no clue as to what makes her tic??? I've had vanilla men dump me cold and i've had Doms do it as well......I'm here to tell you, it is NOT the same. Yes, there is pain involved either way...but with the D/s breakup I felt much more lost.....placed much more blame upon myself......and questioned my ability to submit. Please...I implore you...there is a difference.
  Don't try to sugar coat the facts. Be very upfront and honest.
  Don't say anything like "it just isn't the right time for me now" We're more likely to hear " You still have a chance with me just not now so sit tight and wait for me like a good little subbie"
  DO NOT be a coward and just disappear. The psychological damage caused by that little trick is beyond cruel. You want to be a Dom...now act like one.
  Remain as calm as possible even if you are positive she is Sybil. Do NOT get into a blame game.....Do NOT point fingers..Do NOT cause more harm.....being dumped is devastating enough as it is.
  The submissive deserves your respect even after the relationship has gone bad. You found her good enough to call your own...she is good enough to continue receiving your respect. Don't talk to others about everything she did wrong...don't treat her as though she doesn't exist....DON'T EVER EVER EVER accuse her of not being a submissive just because she wasn't the right sub for YOU.


2/8/2009 2:16:56 PM
The Key to Kinky Happiness
by Gloria Brame
Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE and the author. � Gloria Brame

http://www.erotimania.com/library/
  Self-acceptance and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life. For people who are sexually unconventional, this foundation is often shaky and, at times, non-existent. In our culture, it is difficult to feel good about yourself when the sting of a whip is your idea of a sensual caress.
  Ever since psychiatrists in 19th Century Europe first classified kinky behaviors as abnormal, ugly myths have prevailed over honest information. Sexual variations which are largely the outgrowth of normal and innate human impulses have been labeled as perversions and sicknesses; people who long for intense sensations or unusual erotic experiences have been branded sinners and sociopaths. We have no public role models to show us that it is possible to act out unusual sexual fantasies safely and lovingly. The popular image of the "sexual pervert" is of a shady, neurotic character who lurks in dark bars, incapable of intimacy, consumed by morbid, even violent, urges.
  Whether we crave the elaborate rituals of goddess worship or the complex structure of Master/slave relationships, the liberating captivity of bondage or the playful discipline of adult spankings, those of us who explore the world of sexual dominance and submission are repeatedly sent the message that who we are and what we want are all wrong. We are told this by people who represent authority in our lives--our parents, our teachers, our doctors, our clergy. When we dare to confess our fantasies to lovers, we face rejection and ridicule.
  In the face of near-universal disapproval, we feel ashamed of who we are; we resist our emotions and repress our needs. Sexual sadists fear that they may be serial killers in disguise; sexual masochists worry that they may secretly have victim- complexes. Fetishists feel isolated and guilty, believing that a desire to worship feet or to wear rubber is a kind of mental illness.
  Many crossdressers endure desperate cycles of binging and purging with clothes, the way bulimics do with food. They become obsessed with their fantasies, amassing whole collections of garments, wigs, and accessories. When the lust wears itself down, they throw everything away in disgust, vowing to change. Inevitably, of course, the needs resurface, the binging begins again, and the cycle repeats.
  The anxiety about being sexually unconventional is so pervasive that even those who have come to terms with their own kinks may find it hard to accept the kinky things that others do.
  I once attended a fetish event where a group of corset enthusiasts refused to be seated near the "whips and chains crowd" because they believed the myth that people who enjoy giving or receiving pain are dangerous to others. Sexual variations such as the erotic interest in enemas (klismaphilia) or the desire to wear diapers and baby clothes (infantilism) make some kinky people so uncomfortable the topics never even come up at kinky support/education groups.
  So how can we overcome the prejudices--both from without and within--which have made it so difficult for us to feel good about ourselves? First, by looking towards the dozens of writers, psychologists, and activists who are now creating a new literature of sexual enlightenment which shows us, for the first time, that being unusual is not really as unusual as we think. There are quite literally millions, if not tens of millions, of people who enjoy sexual variations of one kind or another.
  We can turn to alternative sexuality projects and educational groups, both on-line and off-line, which provide forums for candid dialogue about formerly taboo needs and desires. There we can read about and talk to kinky people who lead positive lives and have satisfying, long-term relationships.
  But the most important step is to take stock of our own lives and to recognize our personal achievements. Whether it's our success in meeting obligations at home and at work; our contributions to our communities or our churches; or the loyalty and compassion we've shown relatives and friends, our own lives demonstrate a simple fact. Being sexually different does not us any less moral, any less decent, or any less precious than other human beings--it is simply a facet of our complex lives. When we learn to accept ourselves, as we are and for we are, we will build a foundation for personal happiness that no myth can shake.


2/7/2009 5:22:24 PM
http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/softs_poetry/trust.html
Trust.
Within the context of a BDSM relationship, it is, in my opinion the single-most important and crucial element! Without that trust of another we have nothing. How could the submissive willingly place her health and safety into the hands of a dominant that she does not trust?
Trust means so many things. It is, to me:
· Knowing that the information I share will not be used against me
· Knowing that my well-being is foremost in my dominant’s thoughts
· Knowing that I am safe
· Knowing that I can put my hand in his and be led to the edge of the cliff without falling off
  Taking the step to trust another, with a secret, or something of great importance about or to me, can weigh so heavily upon your heart it is almost a sickening feeling. Trusting means taking a chance, risking opening yourself up, being vulnerable to another. Yet the joy and feelings of happiness in finding you can trust that person make it all worthwhile!
  We have been taught to guard and hide "little secrets", our weaknesses, our fears. Within your relationship with your dominant (or your submissive) keeping secrets, not trusting, is destructive. And, it is dangerous.
  Trust is not given immediately – not handed over like the leash of a dog. It must be earned, and given slowly. It is built upon, bit-by-bit. In doing so you must be completely honest with yourself and your dominant.
  Only you can determine how much are you willing to risk, how much you are willing to give, how strong are you, or can you be. Finding the truth in yourself is hard; sharing it with your dominant is harder. You have to be willing to allow it to grow.
  And so, we grab our buckets of mortar made from truth and we begin to lay the bricks of trust down as a foundation for something wonderful. We do not do this alone. We have help from them that have instilled in us the acceptance of our flaws and ourselves.
  In a D/s relationship it is the dominant to which we look for help. For it is from them that we seek clarity. Trusting means not carrying the burdens by yourself but finding another that you can lean upon and gladly allow them to lean on you. As a submissive, we expect them to see more clearly into what is going on within us.
  For what is a dominant? A dominant is protector, teacher, guide and lover. And so, it is to the dominant that we look for help in building our foundation.
  What are you feeling – what do you feel for and about this person, this dominant? Is it a feeling that it’s going to be all right? That you’re going to be accepted and understood, and most importantly loved and respected for having taken the risk.
  Think carefully before you give "trust". You have to be the one to decide how much risk you can take with your heart, because that is where you keep all the secrets. 
  What is trust? Trust is love; to me it is the whole of everything in life. It is to be nurtured as one does a child, instructed as one would a student, loved like there is nothing higher on this plane of existence, and guarded for the treasure it is. It is knowing that you’re going to be fine. Knowing that in the end it will be more than worth it all. 
  Trust is a treasure to be shared. Trusting your dominant with your treasure brings with it untold reward. It is standing blind-folded at the edge of the cliff and knowing, with all that is in you, that you are safe.

2/1/2009 6:10:22 PM
Communicating Your Needs by slavette
http://www.erotimania.com/library/
 Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE and the author.  
***Message to the one who thinks I'm doing these journals for her sake, don't flatter yourself.***
  [The term �Master� is used in this article as a non-gender specific term and refers to the Owner or person being served. The term �slave� refers to the property or server.]
  Our primary goal as slaves is to make our Master�s life as easy as possible, but in the end we are human. We have needs, wants, and desires just like everyone else and we have expectations about their fulfillment. In a Master/slave relationship, the Master is responsible for meeting the slave's needs - and sometimes He/She will decide to fulfill a slave's want or desire. Since the Master has agreed to be responsible for meeting the slave�s needs, a slave can reasonably expect to have his/her needs met - any expectations a slave has beyond that are not justified unless the Master has told the slave to expect something. However, in order for a Master to meet a slave�s needs or reward a slave by giving something that is a want or a desire, the slave must effectively communicate his/her needs, wants, and desires.
  A short lecture for slaves who have a hard time asking for things: You are your Master's property and you have a responsibility to your Master to look after his/her property - so that means you have a responsibility to look out for yourself. As much as we (and they) like to pretend otherwise, Masters are not mind-readers and do not "know all and see all". You have a responsibility to let your Master know what your needs are and let your Master know when they are not being met. It's hard because we like to think we are superhuman and don't have needs, and sometimes our Masters like to think that we don't have needs either, but we do. Think of owning a slave as being similar to owning a car. Wouldn't it be nice if you owned a car that could tell you "My fan belt is getting frayed and if you don't replace it you've got 5,000 miles left before I blow"? You're doing your Master a service when you communicate your needs before they get to the critical point.
  The first step to being able to communicate your needs, wants and desires is to understand the differences among them. The analogy I use to describe this is that everyone has an emotional "glass of water" and a physical "glass of water" that serve as their "reserve tanks". If our needs aren�t met, our water level goes down and as the water level goes down so does our ability to function properly. We can ignore our needs and stretch our limits for a while, but that length of time depends on the water level in our glass. If we go too long, the water is all gone and we have nothing left to give - either to ourselves or to another person. So, the longer a slave goes without getting his/her needs met, the more work the Master needs to do after that to get the slave back in a smooth running condition. "Wants" are things that put water back in our glass when we get them and can sometimes turn into �needs� if we don�t get them or if our water level gets very low. "Desires" are things that are nice to have and put a lot of water into our glass, but if we don't get them it doesn't affect our water level.
  The next step to being able to successfully communicate your needs, wants, and desires is knowing yourself well enough to know where something falls in the classification system. I've been using this classification system for over four years now and I still "mis-file" things occasionally - usually because I didn't file them under "need" when I should have. Second, your Master has to trust you to be honest. It's tempting sometimes, but don't say something is a need when it is really a want or a desire just to get it. Something that slaves can do to reinforce the Master�s trust in the slave and how serious the slave takes this is that if the slave later feels that he/she mis-classified something, come to the Master, tell the Master what happened, and apologize for the mistake. (Admitting mistakes actually builds trust rather than destroys it because it tells the other person that you take responsibility for your actions and you trust him/her to forgive you for being human.) Finally, keep in mind that some wants and desires can get changed into needs if we don't get them fulfilled soon enough (i.e., I always have a desire to play, as time goes by and we haven't played, it becomes a want, after more time it becomes a need). If you know that a want is going to become a need soon, try to give your Master a "heads up" about it before it becomes a need so that he/she can have more control over when and where it is met.
  We all have certain things we expect to get from the people around us. These expectations can range from basic politeness from strangers to love and support from a parent. If our expectations are met, we don�t always notice it � we expected it so it isn�t noteworthy in our mind. However, I have found that my expectations can directly affect the water level in my �emotional glass�. If my expectations are not met, then my water level goes down; but if my expectations are exceeded, then my water goes up. As part of my never-ending struggle to be "superslave", I try to keep my expectations as low as possible so that the chances are increased that I will have them exceeded. Many times when my expectations are not met, I realize that I had no right to the expectation because Master Scott didn't give it to me and I never told him that I had it. In that case, it's my own fault and I try not to let it affect my water level. However, when Master Scott tells me I can expect something, then it becomes a need for me to have that expectation met (if it is in his power to meet it). As an example, if he tells me that we are going to spend the evening together with no computer and no TV, but comes home and turns on the TV and gets caught up in a movie, then I get hurt (my water level goes down) and it effects my trust in him. I didn't ask for the evening together, I didn't need an evening with him, but it became a need once I started counting on getting it. If he comes home and the phone rings and it is an emergency that he needs to go back to work to handle, it isn't his fault and my water level doesn�t change.
  The �needs, wants, and desires� classification system I�ve described above is just one way for slaves to communicate with their Masters. Each Master and slave pairing is different and may require a different form of communication. However, the slave�s objectives should be to use terms that work best for the Master and to increase his/her self-awareness so that needs can be identified and communicated before they reach a critical point.
Reprinted with permission from the archives of the SAADE Gazette

1/31/2009 1:31:59 PM
BDSM Education- Dom/me 
http://www.bdsm-education.com/Domme-Dom.html
  Dom/mes are ordinary, everyday people.  Dom/mes can be female or male.  They can have a job where they'll follow orders and the job is very demanding, they can have a very demanding high paying job where they are in charge (Dominate), they can have a run of the mill type job, they can be wives or husbands, moms or dads, grandmothers or grandfathers, daughters or sons, etc.  Some Dom/mes think there is something wrong with them because they have a need to be served or taken care of, or a need to have someone submit to their control, and/or a need to give some sort of physical pain (erotic pain or real pain). 
  Some will spend their life hiding/suppressing their need and try to be "normal."  Some will even train themselves to never reveal or give in to what they need.  What they don't realize though, the more they try to suppress the need/desire/want, the more the need/desire/want grows.  For some reason a large percent of Dom/mes have put up a quiet, non-aggressive often humorous persona keeping their Dom/me need buried inside where it is safe.  Yet their thoughts/dreams/fantasies are usually about tying someone up, spanking someone, having someone serve them, caring for someone, helping someone to grow like a flower in a garden and/or do things that cause sensations and/or erotic pain (being the prison guard taking advantage of the female prisoners like they have seen in movies, for example) or they want to capture a slave and force them to do things.  Deep down inside, the desire to control continues to stir. 
  All too often Dom/mes attract or somehow seek out those that have been abused in their past.  They find themselves giving the physical or verbal pain, but in an inappropriate way, that usually is not loving but often disguised as love.  They will find themselves torn between giving what they want to give, even if it is not totally how they want, but it's better than not being able to control at all.  People around them often see the abuse or the extreme lengths their friend/relative is going through to control or worse yet see the Dom/me (their friend/relative) as the one being abused.  The people around them may even try to interfere or protect them, but in the end those that get involved will end up the enemy, on the outside being kept at arm's length or never spoken to again by the Dom/me for getting involved. 
  Some Dom/mes convince themselves they need to be forced to dominate and/or control.  Some Dom/mes have convinced themselves that by being forced to take command, their dignity and their self respect is saved.  This is just another way to avoid embracing their Dom/me desires/wants/needs.  Some Dom/mes have convinced themselves to resist or won't allow themselves to control another, or to give erotic pain, bottom line they are not being a Dom/me.  You will even find Dom/mes that consider that by domming they are giving the submissive a gift.  If they are not giving the submissive the inner Dom/me that they have been hiding, then they are not giving the submissive their gift of domination, they are just playing the role of a Dom/me, which doesn't have any real meaning and seems to be more low self esteem, commitment phobia or ego problematic.
  Dom/mes seem to fall into the trap of passive/aggressive often accompanied with insecurity, withdrawing and possibly thrown into the mix as well is the rational that they can never be the Dom/me their submissive wants, or the worst one-- it's abuse.  (Physical or sexual assault or false imprisonment is not part of BDSM. BDSM is negotiated between those participating and is something that is enjoyable and enhances a persons well being.)  To truly take control of your submissive is extremely hard to do.  Best advice I can offer is to go slow, embrace the new direction in your life of taking control.  In the beginning you will feel like all you do is fail or do whatever it is wrong.  You will most likely crash and burn with each failure, but you never have the nerve to share the failure with your submissive.  You will be mad at yourself and push yourself harder than you should or even more than your submissive would want you to.  The Dom/me needs to avoid the urge to run away or end the relationship.  Don't give up, each day that passes things will get better.  In the beginning you will feel the need for constant reassurance from your submissive.  But there will be times you will have to punish and correct your submissive or help your submissive become a better submissive.  Hopefully over time your need to be reassured constantly will calm down to a level your submissive can manage and not feel like they are in the hands of someone way too inexperienced.  Don't let your submissive set up expectations that you know nothing about or you don't have time to do, that will make you feel like you have failed your submissive and most likely upset you and possibly make you want to withdraw.  Do not withdraw, that only makes the submissive insecure and more clingy and needy.  For some submissives if their Dom/me withdraws it leaves them feeling lost, unloved, worthless, without purpose.  BEWARE some (not all) submissives (especially those in a long term relationship) will even think about or may even act on ending their life.  One hope it never reaches the latter.
Avoid allowing your submissive to try to manipulate you to fight for them or prove that you want them, this is a recipe for failure.  If you can, try to avoid those vanilla ingrained knee jerk reactions that thrust you into turmoil, it doesn't' mix well with being a Dom/me.  Try to avoid finding fault in your submissive or the relationship, and slow them down from trying to control (topping from below), run the show or make demands.  Don't fall into the trap of allowing the submissive to say "I am just expressing my limits/needs/wants/desires" or "I misunderstood what you told me" as a way to justify their controlling manipulation (some submissives don't even realize they are manipulating). 
  When the Dom/me is having a hard time meeting the needs and demands of having a submissive, the Dom/me should try to focus on what makes them happy with their submissive.  Try to focus on the fact that you can't live without the happiness, joy, closeness, servitude, etc. that being with your submissive gives you.  You might try focusing on one act/behavior of your submission that gives you great joy, happiness, etc.  Some Dom/mes will bring up a memory of how their submissive dresses, how they sit, how they kneel, how they serve a meal, you get the idea.  Most Dom/mes will focus on their submissive's happiness, love and care, which in turn makes them calm, relaxed and grounded again.  With effort and determination (and probably your submissive's help) you will find the balance of things that seem so overwhelming right at that moment.
  Another thing to avoid is allowing your submissive to act like a sassy/sammie submissive and taunt you if you choose not to punish them for every little thing.  That behavior is not what most Dom/mes want everyday (once in a while might be okay).  If a Dom/me is always handing out punishments rather than getting themselves taken care of or taking care of their submissive, exactly what good is the submissive in the relationship?  Being a Dom/me is not to see how far you can push your submissive or how many hoops can you get them to jump through or how many days they can go without an orgasm.  That is what those who manipulate or have no clue about being a Dom/me do.  If your submissive wants/needs a spanking train them that it is better to get one as a reward for being pleasing/doing good, rather than as punishment (punishment is real and is painful and not meant for pleasure).  Stop and think--do you really want to a submissive acting up to get their way/want?  You can even have your submissive express (respectfully of course) when they want/need a spanking, etc.  Does that mean they will get it each and every time?  Probably not, but it's communication and lets you know what is going on inside of them.  A Dom/me-submissive relationship is an unbroken circle around them (if polyfidelity-around them all).   Within this unbroken circle there is give and take from both/all sides, it is not about being selfish, it is not just sexual aspects, it is about commitment, trust and love.
  Something a Dom/me can never do is not take responsibility for their domination or actions.  You are responsible, for example, for taking care of your health (you get the idea), you are responsible for doing things as safely as you can to avoid injury to your submissive, you are responsible for your submissives mental well being, you are responsible for keeping trust, you are responsible for keeping commitments, and you have to remember all actions have consequences.  Dom/mes it is your responsibility to know how an item physically feels BEFORE you use it on your sub.  This can be accomplished by having a experienced Dom/me use an item on you for 10-15 minutes or more, varying the intensities or it can be accomplished by you being a bottom/sub/slave in play so you get a better head space understanding and better physical intensity rating.  Some feel you can never be a Dom/me until you have first been a sub and earned your leathers (old guard).  If you aren't willing to have it done to you so you have a starting physical intensity point/marker, then you shouldn't be doing it to someone else.  So check that Dom/me ego at the door and be responsible.  Bottom line- As long as you have experienced the varying physical intensities, which shows responsibility and care for your sub, it doesn't really matter which route you choose to get that physical feeling/intensity knowledge.
  Dom/mes remember you aren't a mind reader. If there is something your submissive wants/desires, etc. tell them they must tell you (in a respectful manner of course) or let them write it in their journal.  Remember COMMUNICATION is what keeps things going along the right path.  Stop communicating and things will come crashing down around you, and you will have to work extremely hard to get the trust going again.  Yes you can rebuild trust, but it is a long hard road and must be done with honesty and commitment from both sides.
Dom/mes need to feel they are doing the right thing, and are helping their submissive.  Dom/mes need to feel they are not abusing their submissive, but rather are caring and nurturing.   Dom/mes search until they find the correct submissive for them. This submissive has the right attitude, the right subbie heart, the right form when kneeling, standing or serving, etc.  This submissive will be caring, loving, will help the Dom/me as the Dom/me decides what they need help with.  The Dom/me that agrees to take a submissive on as a life partner will take control and will have varying degrees of control over different aspects of the submissive's life.  Dom/mes will push the submissive to break down their limits or barriers they have put up, and expand them.  What is a limit today, might not be a limit 6 months from now.  Dom/mes will push the submissive, to let go of the control they have placed upon themselves and to open up and be true to themselves.  
  Some Dom/mes aspire to be "True/Real Dom/me."  To call oneself true/real implies that any other form of dominance is less or false.  It has nothing to do with quality, and technical knowledge doesn't make for experienced.  There is no right or wrong way to be a Dom/me.  Domming is an art.  It goes far beyond just being served, training a submissive, or punishing or rewarding.  The Dom/me immerses themselves as deeply as they can into being in control of their submissive.  It is mental, spiritual, and physical, not just a means to arousal. 

1/30/2009 11:06:19 AM

Advice for Dealing with New Relationships
http://www.topdatingtips.com/relationships.htm
When we are actively dating we sometimes forget what the end game is all about - relationships. We can forget why we are dating in the first place and what we hope to achieve. The result of this is that when we finally meet someone we like and spend time with them and start falling in love, we panic. This doesn't just apply to the archetypal male, but to women too. Yes getting involved is scary stuff. Remember this why you are dating in the first place. The end result of dating is a relationship, maybe a long term one, maybe a relationship even leading to marriage. Therefore take your time and get it right.
We can argue all day about when dating becomes a relationship. Maybe after 3 months, maybe after sex. Maybe after meeting their parents, even after moving in together. For some a relationship begins at engagement, for others it occurs the moment the other party agrees to see them again. It doesn't matter. One day, we all accept that today we are in a  relationship. Okay what should we do to sustain it?
Communicate
Talk to each other. Talk a lot, and keep talking. The first thing that goes wrong in any relationship is a change in communication. Simply put, people stop trying and relax. People in relationships stop communicating (gradually) and this quickly turns into taking your partner for granted. Fact. When your better half comes home from work talk to them about whatever they like, even if you are tired. And the 100% rule of thumb is always always ALWAYS look at your partner when you are listening and talking. I have seen this more than I can ever describe, one person in a relationship talking, the other repeatedly saying yes whilst looking somewhere else. If you want your relationship to remain fresh, interesting and inspired, communicate on every level.
Enjoy Yourselves
Have fun in relationships as though you were on a first date. Being with someone is fun, exciting, interesting and loving. Just because you have been seeing each other for a while makes no difference at all. Fun is fun, whatever the age, you should be laughing and having  great time even if you have been together 40 years, so coming home and stating that you are tired and dreary every day won't wash. You were not like that when you began to date so keep it alive by constantly finding ways to have fun together. Laughter heals a lot of ills and at the end of the day, you are together because you enjoy each other's company. That should never change.
It Takes Two to Tango
Relationships are not one sided affairs but a commitment and agreement between two people to want to share their space, time, company and lives together. If you are not married you are not obliged to do this with anyone at all so if its not working out don't hang about. If it is working out then make sure that you both keep putting into the relationship and investing in your joint well-being. As long as you are both involved in your relationship it will work. The problem arises where one feels it is simply too one sided. So always take a rain check every now and again to ensure that you are both as fully committed as you should be.
We are Not the Same
Accept that you are not the same people, neither clones of each other. You have separate interests , hobbies, emotions and moods. Be empathetic and sympathetic to each other as well as giving each other the regular space they require without too much questioning. Just because you have come together for your common good doesn't mean that you don't need an afternoon off occasionally and neither does it mean that you love each other any less. Ensure you retain your space and special time and activities and retain your self identity as needed. If this causes a problem you guys need to talk.
People are Human
No one in this world is perfect. No one, not even me! Ha ha, seriously, when we meet someone we like and we begin our relationship we may well have set high standards and that is fine, but human beings have lots of strange quirks and foibles and ways of doing things. Not everything will meet with your approval and not every element of behavior will be perfect. We don't live in an ideal world and we don't live in fantasy land. Difficult relationships are absolutely normal and understanding that is the key. We all begin by dreaming that everything will be perfect and then something happens that upsets us. Take this in your stride. Accept it and move past it. Loving someone is about everything in life, not just about idealistic romance.
Arguing May Be Healthy
One of the problems in relationships isn't just the lack of communication that can develop, but the retention of problems inside that are allowed to build up and then release uncontrollably. If there is a problem we should talk about it. Personally I hate arguing and it is not part of my ideal relationship view. However there is a great deal to be said for having a good shout and a good argument. It releases frustrations and discontent and quickly brings things to the fore. We release our frustrations and suddenly we are communicating. Stress is released and we feel better. And in any relationship the best thing about an argument is the afterwards where we feel emotional, sorry for getting angry, and we make up in the most passionate of ways.
Keep Having Sex
How many times have you heard that married people don't have sex? We don't have the room here to discuss the vast reasons why, but boredom and complacency often creep in. Lack of creativity, over familiarity and routine are all concerns and causes. A married friend once told me that he and his wife don't have sex for 6 months and when they finally do it feels like they are new lovers again. This lasts for another 6 months then they stop again. A cycle that has gone on for 7 years! Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you don't match in the bedroom you are kidding yourselves and ultimately you may have longer term problems. To keep a relationship going well, make sure that you do not neglect the bedroom - and anywhere else for that matter!
Don't Change
Keep dating your partner and keep the romance alive. Love them like you just met them. Surprise them constantly and buy flowers when you want to. Little notes and gifts are important as is attention and time spent with each other. Whilst you may both have regular commitments that is absolutely no excuse not to call spontaneously or to make breakfast in bed for your partner unexpectedly. Whilst people naturally do change over longer periods of time, it is down to both of you to keep the passion alive and to do so you do need to make the dating effort. So my advice is keep dating your partner and make them feel freshly loved.
Relationships Take Work
Yes, don't fool yourself. You parents may have been married for 40 years but that doesn't mean that it has been easy. They will often say that relationships and marriages take a lot of work. What they mean is a great deal of understanding, compromise, negotiation and overcoming of problems and difficulties along the way. Making time for each other is essential as are shared experiences, vacations and simply being there. Making your relationship a priority in your lives is also absolutely essential. Often this will mean putting yourself second and taking a back seat. It may mean that your choices aren't a priority and that you won't always be first. Solid relationships are about compromise and acceptance so don't underestimate what that means. Nothing worth having ever came for free.


1/29/2009 9:37:42 AM

How to Identify Toxic Relationships
By eHow Relationships & Family Editor 
http://www.ehow.com/how_2076824_identify-toxic-relationships.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art
 Is there someone in your life who is draining the life out of you? Are you connected to someone who is constantly critical and cuts you down? Are you being emotionally blackmailed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are involved in a toxic relationship. Surround yourself with relationships that are not toxic and you'll enjoy relationships with positive outcomes. 
Step1
Ponder the relationships you have with people in your life. Identify which relationships are positive ones. Positive relationships leave you feeling refreshed, loved and secure.
Step2
Identify toxic relationships by analyzing the relationship and asking questions in the steps below.
Step3
Ask yourself these two questions: Does this person lift me up or bring me down? Do I feel better or worse about myself after I'm with this person? Being around toxic people can be very draining, leaving you with a less-than pleasant feeling. Toxic relationships can actually damage your health. Migraines, stomach aches, depression, stress and tension can result from a toxic relationship.
Step4
Consider whether the person shares the same values as you do. When values differ radically, chances are the relationship becomes a battle zone which creates stress.
Step5
Ask yourself if you feel safe around this person. Is the person physically harmful? Abuse is part of a toxic relationship, whether physical, verbal or emotional. If safety is compromised, go to a shelter or other safe place and report the abuse.
Step6
Consider whether the relationship is a positive or negative one. Some toxic relationships appear to be positive, but upon examination you will find that the relationship centers on the other person and isn't a balanced, give-and-take relationship.
Step7
After you've identified a toxic relationship, take steps to minimize your time with toxic people and lessen or eliminate their impact on your life.


1/28/2009 9:20:33 AM
TRAITS OF A HEALTHY SUBMISSIVE
http://www.submissiveloving.com/healthysub.html

1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself "as is" is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.

1/27/2009 9:41:47 AM

BDSM Education- Long Distance Relationships
http://www.bdsm-education.com/longdistance.html  People don't want to hear this but long distance relationships rarely work.  Yes like with anything there are a few rare successes.  How many mail order brides/grooms relationships do you know of, let alone know that worked out long term?  I can count the number I know on one finger, most people can't even do that.  
  Online, phone calls and seeing each other a few times a year is not really going to cause the relationship to grow.  It takes hands on face to face for a relationship to grow.  Yes web cams can help some, but they are not the answer, just another tool like the phone or online.  Long distance relationships seem to end up as non committed affairs without much responsibility.  Long distance relationships also tend to attract people that have commitment issues.  Stop and think are all the Dom/me's or sub's you find thousands of miles from you?  If so maybe you have commitment issues.  To quote Philip Miller, co-author of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when talking about long distance relationships "I have learned two things from them.  First, the endurance of a long distance relationship is proportionate to the patience of the lovers multiplied by the depth of their pockets, divided by the distance between their abodes.  Secondly, nobody has that deep a pocket nor that much patience."  
  Meeting someone online that lives more than a couple hours away have less of a chance working than someone in the same town.  All too often people jump into a relationship without thinking through everything.  People get wrapped up in having something that has been missing or get wrapped up in the thrill of something new, infatuations take hold and rationalization flies out the window and life becomes compromise after compromise, often leaving a path of destruction behind (think of those having affairs and their spouses getting hurt).  Add to this that 9 times out of 10 the person online and the person face to face are not as they seemed online or on the phone.   
It is HIGHLY advisable to find someone in your area or a big city near you.  Local munches are a great starting place.
  Relationships are difficult to begin with, add BDSM and even more difficulties, now toss in long distance to the mix and you can begin to see why things rarely work out.  Most would say that they love the other person, the connection is so strong or they are perfect for me, etc.  You need to think a bit about the relationship and where it will head.  Are one of you married?  Is the spouse/life partner okay with your BDSM relationship with another?  Would one of you have to move?  Is marriage one of the goals?  Are children a goal?  Will you both work?  Are you both in good health or would one be taking care or the other?  Will they keep their commitments to you?  Are they honest?  Is the trust that is needed for a relationship let alone mandatory for BDSM present?  You get the idea.  Now toss into the mix that not all careers allow for easy relocation or that one thing folks would love to do--retire with compensation would be compromised.  Your current family obligations, not counting the already married to someone obligation as well as children and your parents who may need you to care for them later in life.  All this plays into the reality of the relationship.  
  Be sure you both discuss your views on marriage, child rearing, morality, polyamory/polyfidelity/monogamy, sex, politics, religion/spirituality, the foods you like/hate, the kinds of music/comedy you like/hate, the kinds of movies/television shows you love/hate, etc.  After all your relationship should be based on the person not based on BDSM and/or sex.  You really need someone that is on the same horizon as you.  Once you have all the "normal/vanilla" relationship things explored, then you need to start exploring the BDSM issues.  Will this be a life partner/married relationship?  Will this be 24/7?  Bedroom or role playing only? TPE?EPE?TPT? etc.  What if one becomes disabled or gets a disease that will limit your BDSM?  You get the idea.  If things don't seem comparable then end it before getting into the relationship, don't let emotions or friends talk you into something or make your decisions for you.
  You have to be yourself and not something you are not.  If marriage is important to you and not them then you shouldn't be proceeding for it will eventually drive a wedge in the relationship and things will end badly.  Same goes for wanting children, or BDSM 24/7 or TPE/EPE/TPT, monogamy/polyamory etc.  Both of you must discuss your needs and wants, if you two aren't on the same page then you should agree to just be friends and save you both the heart ache.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking you or they will change, this rarely happens.  Don't lie to yourself or them because you are swept up in filling a void you have.  
  So you're gonna try long distance and see how it goes.  Here are a few things to keep in mind:  
  You need to find a long distance phone plan that will save you money.  Some phone companies are offering flat rates for all the long distance calls you want to make.  
You want to get a high speed internet connection with unlimited transfer, so web cam and online voice chat go smoothly.  
  You want to get an internet host that doesn't charge you per e-mail sent or received.  
  Never lie and resist avoiding the truth.  subbies hate to have to admit they didn't accomplish something that is expected from their Dom/me.  The temptation to say they did what was ordered when they didn't is very high, after all the Dom/me can't really know if you did it, as they can't see the outcome.  Dom/me's also hate to admit that something about their sub upsets them and will usually avoid bringing it up.  
  Make trips to see each other as often as possible, ideally no less than twice a month.     
  The more you spend time face to face the more chance you have at succeeding.  The first 6-8 times you are together should be in a hotel and not either one's home.  Suites work well if play is going to occur.  If in the home town of one of you, you can get by with only one hotel room as the other would go home each night or if they needed space or things were not working.  For safety some folks stay in a hotel and not tell the other what hotel and just meet with them away from their hotel.  If you are both out of town then you should have 2 separate rooms (not joining).  Also subbies don't let yourself be bound and helpless, that needs to wait until you have been face to face in the same town for many months.
  Avoid living in a fantasy where everything is peachy.  Keep your interactions real just like you would if they were right there next to you.  If you are sick, someone is stressing you out, or you can't really take 8 canings in a day, COMMUNICATE these things.  Dealing with daily issues is what you will be doing when you are together face to face so do it now as well.  Also both Dom/me and sub are entitled to know what each other's life skills as well as BDSM skills are.   
If a red flag goes up don't ignore it.  Lot's of folks stand firm with a "one strike and you're out" rule since most of your interaction isn't face to face and you have to rely on honesty and trust.  It's up to you how many times you will allow someone to strike out and you be hurt.
  Remember there is no prefect sub or prefect Dom/me so don't try to be one.  A sub should not be agreeable to everything in the world just because your Dom/me wants it.  Don't say you love/like something and when your Dom/me does it, you become shocked and upset.  Dom/me's don't claim you love everything your sub does because at some point you will have to deliver.  Both of you should negotiate out what activities you are into before your relationship gets going too far.  Yes things you hate today you may love tomorrow, but it is good to get a good starting point.  You might want to look over the checklist and negotiation form on this web site for ideas.  
  You also have to both realize there will be times when the sub doesn't want to be submissive, PMS comes to mind, stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  You also have times when Dom/me's don't want to be Dommly again PMS comes to mind (and yes guys get a male version of PMS too) stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  The key is remembering we all have bad days and we just need to be loved and given lots of understanding.  
  Keep things as real as you can, be honest about your feelings, desires and wants.  Don't let the fantasy of BDSM cloud your reality and don't get lost in the fantasy as fantasy rarely works out in real life.  Otherwise your relationship will end up crashing and burning or dying a slow painful death.  
  Yes love can conquer all, but it takes work, commitment, honesty and the same long term goals from both sides to make it a reality.


1/22/2009 5:54:06 PM

So What's With Switches, Anyway?   
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited, and you provide credit and a return link.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdswitch.html
  "How singular is the thing called pleasure, and how curiously
related to pain, which might be thought to be the opposite of it; For they are never present to a man at the same instant, and yet he who pursues either is generally compelled to take the other." --Plato
  So what's a switch? What's with this whole switching thing?
I am a switch.

  What that means, in the simplest terms, is that I am neither 100% dominant nor 100% submissive. Rather, I have a dominant side, and a submissive side, and at different times I explore different aspects of dominance and submission.
  In some parts of the BDSM community, this is greeted with the same derision that might greet someone who says he or she is bisexual in certain corners of the gay and lesbian community--and, I think, for similar erroneous reasons.
  The term "switch," like the term "bisexual," has a simple, functional definition: You are a switch if you engage at different times in BDSM practices from both a "top" or "dominant" role and from a "bottom" or "submissive" role, just as you are bisexual if you have lovers of both sexes.
  Of course, a functional definition can't tell the whole truth, and a question of sexual identity may not be as straightforward as all that.
  Be that as it may, there are people in the BDSM community who will make the preposterous statement that there aren't "really" any switches, just as there are people in the gay and lesbian communities who make the equally preposterous claim that there aren't "really" any bisexuals.
  Well, it makes sense to me--after all, you can't be both dominant AND submissive!
  Why not?
  It's been my experience that there is no contradiction in the idea that you can gain satisfaction from taking both a dominant role and from a submissive role in a relationship, any more than there is a contradiction in the idea you can enjoy both cooking food and eating food.
  A small but vocal minority of people in the BDSM community maintain--often at great and tiresome length--that anyone who can switch roles is not "really" into BDSM at all, that they're just "playing" at it and don't truly understand dominance or submission, and so forth.
  Not only does this commit the fallacy of "one true wayism"--the mistaken belief that there is only one correct way to practice BDSM or engage in a D/s relationship--it also ignores the fact that human beings are capable of a very wide range of experiences and responses, and that many people for whom BDSM is more than mere bedroom tittilation do, in fact, have the capacity to experience BDSM from more than one perspective.
  In fact, it's tempting to argue that a person who can experience a thing from many different perspectives--a person who can, for example, experience what it's like to be both deeply submissive and extremely dominant--probably has a better understanding of that thing than someone who can experience it only from one direction.
  BDSM is not necessarily just about dominance and submission, either. Many folks are "bottoms," people who prefer to be given pain or other stimulation, but who do not give up psychologocal power or control; or "tops," people who take pleasure from inflicting pain orother sensation on their partners, but who are not interested in psychological control.
  For me, being a switch encompasses both of these things as well. I am a sadist; that is, I take pleasure from inflicting consensual pain on my partners, provided they take pleasure from it as well. I am also a masochist; that is, I take pleasure from having consensual pain administered to me by a partner. Again, there is no contradiction here, any more than there is a contradiction between, say, taking pleasure from giving a massage and taking pleasure from receiving a massage.
  Dominance, submission, masochism, and sadism are not bipolar opposites. A person can be both a masochist and a sadist, and can have both dominant and submissive personality traits. And none of these things is necessarily directly related to any other; you can be a sadist but not dominant, or a masochist but not submissive, or dominant but not sadistic, and so on.
  Yeah, but people who switch don't really understand true D/s.
  Nonsense. In fact, one can easily argue that by exploring both roles, and being familiar with the headspace and psychological experience of both dominance and submission, a person can get a better grasp of the dynamic of power exchange--better, in fact, than the person who is familiar only with one part of it.
  Of course, every human being has a unique experience, and the experience of one person never maps directly onto the experience of another. Nevertheless, we all share many psychological traits in common, and while I may not feel exactly what you feel when we are both submissive, my understanding of what it's like to be submissive--what the state of surrendering one's will to another feels like--can certainly help me to identify with you if I am dominating you--which in turn can help me to create an environment where I can put you in the state I want.
  So how does it work? You just flip-flop on command?
  I'm sure some people can do this; for me, it's much more complex than that.
  I can't flip from being dominant to being submissive at the drop of a hat. I personally find that I tend to be highly dominant by nature, and that I derive great satisfaction from dominating my lovers most of the time.
  However, sometimes a need to be submissive will grow over a period of time, until I find myself deeply craving this submission and wanting to relinquish control to my partners. When this happens, it becomes very easy for me to submit on an extremely deep level, and that this side of my personality is, during these times, at least as strong as my dominant side.
  It tends not to happen overnight; generally speaking, I would say that I'm about 80% dominant and about 20% submissive. There may be a period of many months during which I am completely dominant, followed by weeks of being entirely submissive. Were I to be entirely dominant all the time or entirely submissive all the time, I would unquestionably feel that something was missing from my life.
  Nonsense--that just PROVES you aren't REALLY dominant or submissive!
  And if you like both Cantonese and Thai cooking, it proves you don't REALLY have a taste for foreign cuisine, right?
  The idea that if you are "really" dominant you can't also be submissive, or vice-versa, rests on the fallacy that these two things are opposed to one another, rather than two facets of the same thing. It also denies the basic and observable fact that human beings--or rather, some human beings--are complex, multi-dimensional creatures capable of a startling array of different emotional and philosophical responses.
  Of course, I can't speak for everyone here; I've met some people so astonishingly shallow that a walk through the ocean of their souls would barely get your feet wet. But not everyone is like that.
  There are people who are not shallow but who nevertheless do not have a submissive element or a masochistic element or a dominant element or whatever to their personalities, just as there are people (like me) who are entirely straight, or people who are entirely gay, and do not have an element of bisexuality in their sexual orientation.
  But often, the people I have seen most vocally decry the idea of switches are not these people; rather, the most vocal of the "one true way" contingent in the BDSM community is made up of the people who are most insecure.
  For some people, their ego and their sense of self are tied up in their identity as a dominant or a submissive. This is particularly true of many dominants, who may use their dominance to shield a weak sense of self or a fragile ego. Suggesting to such a person that he or she may have elements of both dominance and submission, or even thatother people can be both dominant and submissive, is very threatening. When your ego is protected by your sense that you are dominant and there is a clear, distinct difference between dominants and submissives, the notion of someone who switches is as threatening as the notion of bisexuality is to a person unsure of his sexual orientation.
  But at the end of the day, the fact still remains that not everyone has an identity or a role which is so cut and dried. Many people (I suspect most people) who practice BDSM are capable of doing so from more than one direction. And that's a feature, not a bug.


1/21/2009 4:53:57 PM
Infantilism Article on Infantilism with a strong focus on making the differentiation from pedophilia.
 http://www.erotimania.com/library/
Infantilism - challenging misconceptions by Leila Raven (aka Katt)
This article was first published in my 'Mommy Memoirs' from my site The Dark Nursery.
  Infantilism is sometimes viewed controversially in part because many people honestly, yet mistakenly, make a connection with pedophilia, because it involves the 'concept' of child/baby or child-likeness / baby-likeness.
  Nothing could be farther from the truth, as someone with a background in psychology, I assure you of this. I'll try and outline why this is the case, in as clear and logical way as possible, for people who wish to try and gain a better understanding. Since there is such a big mistaken link to pedophilia, I'd like to get into some detail about why there really is -no- connection here In any way shape or form, so bear with me.
  Perhaps the simplest way to explain it is that the sick people who abuse children sexually, pedophiles, are acting out in a sexually aggressive, controlling, dominating fashion, and are attracted to children as their victims because they are easy to over power, they want to dominate, want to control, want to dis-empower others and gain power over. When a pedophile seeks out victims, they often pick children who are extra-vulnerable children, children that already have been abused, children with low self-esteem, children that have been psychologically damaged. This is why classically a child that is sexually abused, usually faces the horror of multiple abusers in their childhood.
  Infantilists, those who engage in age play, are doing ~exactly the opposite~
  They want to submit, they want to be small, powerless, child-like, infantile, they want all power and responsibility removed from them. They don't want to hurt or molest or sexualize children, they want to regress to a childlike emotional and mental state of ultimate submission and vulnerability, of innocence. Why does this process get sexualized? I'm not entirely sure, and it doesn't for all infantilists and age players, some people who regress do not engage in sexual activity when regressed, do not find it arousing, and don't connect sexual feelings to it. Many however, do. These are sexually submissive individuals in which regression connects them to the very beginnings of the sexual stirrings that happened within them when they were infants or children. Like all the various sexual orientations, alternative sexual 'wiring' we come with, paraphilia's, fetishes, etc, etc, labels galore, these leanings are pretty hard wired, they are not 'choices', and they are not things people can generally 'change' ~ how they choose to act on their desires and in some cases, such as this, their core identities, can vary.
  Because the underlying power dynamic in Infantilism is one of submission, rather than of domination - as would be found in pedophilia, it's opposite, often Infantilists and those interested in role play age play as adult kids are also interested in BDSM and almost always identify as submissives/bottoms.
  On another note, do -not- assume then that individuals who are top, dominant, into BDSM, and who play at Daddy or Mommy to adult babies, or adult kids or adult teens, do -not- assume, that these people are pedophiles, redirecting their interests towards adults. These are individuals who are interested in the domination of individuals, consenting adult individuals, with which they can dominate them through regressive disciplines and actions. You can't regress a child or infant, they are already regressed. Just as people in the BDSM scene who keep human 'dogs' or human 'ponies' these people are not people into bestiality, they are people who enjoy the process of making others submit by undergoing a transformation process. Forced Feminization, Regression, dog collars, leashes and bowls, harnesses and stables, are about symbolically dominating the submissive. Most Adult Babies, and age-players, cannot 'pass' for actual children, which makes them pretty unappealing prey for a pedophile trying to sublimate their inappropriate desires. Classically, pedophiles would -not- seek out a consensual age play arrangement, they don't want consent! Also, they would not want to associate themselves with the high profile BDSM community. Instead, a pedophile trying to sublimate inappropriate desires would be much more likely to go for a 'mainstream' relationship with an emotionally immature individual who is small in stature, vulnerable, has a history of abuse, who has childlike characteristics in personality and appearance. Petite young looking women and men that are -just- of legal age, and look young for their age, that are basically emotionally vulnerable and will allow themselves to bullied and abused. That is of course, if the pedophile isn't going after his preferred targets of innocent children. Most Infantilists and people involved in age-play actively, have had quite the journey into exploring themselves and their interests in order to decide to build a relationship around it, to the degree that it would require a certain amount of emotional maturity and self empowerment and stability to come to terms with, accept, and then act on to create a consensual relationship built around the infantilism and age play - the opposite profile of the type of adult a pedophile would sublimate to.
  I personally am of the strong belief, that it is better by far, to accept your orientations, sexually, gender identity, fetish, paraphilia, etc, and find positive ways to integrate it appropriately into your life in such a way to enjoy it and embrace it. Than to feel guilt, agony, anguish, struggle and relentless negative obsession about the fact that you are the way you are, and try to repress it. What that actually looks like in terms of what people do, is going to vary. Many people who are Infantilists, or into age play, truly feel their identity is better represented by the age they feel regressed to. Just as transgendered individuals feel they are more truly the opposite of the bio-gender they were assigned, some of those involved with Infantilism and age play, feel they are transgenerational. In fact, many of them are both transgendered and transgenerational. Others, may not have this degree of regression that is so pervasive as to encompass their entire sense of personal identity, some may have this partially, or may only have related fetishes to the state of regression - Diaper Fetish is a particulalry common one, others often include, bed wetting, water sports, scat play, thumb sucking, pacifiers, dolls, plushies and teddy bears... whatever you can imagine being a strong symbolic image of 'baby-hood' or childhood may become a sexualized fetish object. Diversity, is nature's gift.
  For those who are threatened, repulsed, angered, or afraid, or otherwise upset by the concept of Infantilism and Age Play, I would ask you, to ask yourself - why? It may be because you've had some misconceptions, which hopefully now have been cleared. It may also be because the whole process of regression is an incredibly powerful and intense topic, I think one that stirs heavy emotions, positive or negative, in those who explore the possibilities. Infancy and childhood is the foundation of our lives, when we are most vulnerable and tender, and anything associated with that time in our lives becomes ~big~ It was when our very sense of self developed and formed. Everyone has childhood 'issues' has emotionally intense connections to their beginnings. The time we moved from innocence into awareness. It's a big issue. Educate yourself, most importantly, educate yourself from the inside out. Look to your own past, your own inner child, your own desires and longings, fears and repulsions.
  Accept yourself, and try, to accept others, we are who we are.
  If you are curious about my explorations into Infantilism and Age Play, and what that actually looks like by all means, you can visit my site, The Dark Nursery, like my other sites, it is primarily about exploration, celebration, and -enjoyment- of ones orientation/fetish/paraphilia, through fetish photography. I think one of the best ways to learn, is the one we come with innately - play. Children learn through the process we call 'play' - a wonderful concept that mixes engaging in activities, exploring, and enjoying the process. So this site is more of an 'adult entertainment' site than an educational one in a traditional sense, because ultimately, I think we can learn more through the 'doing' the enjoyable explorative play, than by the analysis of things.
  I still dream of owning property one day, with a big BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Estate/Resort on it, where there will most certainly be one day a big real life nursery, where Adult Babies, and Adult Children, can come and get away, and just be.
  We all need space in our lives, physical, emotional, spiritual, in which we can simply be, who we are.
Leila Raven (Mistress Mommy Katt)

1/20/2009 6:36:31 PM
> When I got home last night, my wife  demanded that I take her
> someplace expensive....
> So, I took her to a  gas station.....
> And then the fight started.... >
> ****>
> My  wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
> were  in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do  you want to have
sex?"> "No,"  she answered.> I  then said, "Is that your final answer?"> She  didn't even look at me this time, simply saying >  "Yes."> So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a> friend." > And  then the fight started....>
> ********>
> After retiring, I went to the Social  Security office to apply for > Social Security.> The woman behind the  counter asked me for my driver's license to > verify my age.> I looked in  my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home...> I told the woman  that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home > and come back  later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt  revealing my curly silver hair.> She said, 'That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me'> And she processed my Social Security  application.> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my>  experience at the Social Security office.> She said, 'You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > Disability too.'
> And then the fight started.....>
> ****>
> Saturday morning I got up  early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage . I hooked up
> the boat up to the truck, and
>  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. > The wind was blowing  50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned > on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
> I went back into the  house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed.> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and 
> whispered, 'The  weather out there is terrible.'> My loving wife of 10 years replied,  'Can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?'
> And then the fight started ...>
> ****>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table  at my high school reunion, and
> I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she sat alone
> at A nearby table.> My wife  asked, 'Do you know her?'
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend.> I  understand she took to drinking > right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she
hasn't > been sober since.'> 'My God!' says  my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
on > celebrating that long?'
> And then the fight started..... >
> ****>
> I rear-ended a car this  morning.
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
>  driver got out> of his car.
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo  stressed and Little things
> just seem funny? > Yeah, well I couldn't  believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! > He stormed over to my car, looked up  at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT > HAPPY! !!'> So, I looked down at him  and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'> And then the fight  started..... >
> ****>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The  waiter, for some reason, took my
> order  first.
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium  rare, please.'
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for  herself.'
> And then the fight  started.....
> ****>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is  not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel 
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near
>  perfect.'
> And then the fight started.....
>   

1/19/2009 11:37:53 AM
So, how do you handle this jealousy thing? 
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html
  Nobody is immune to jealousy, of course. It's like being immune to fear or hunger or anger. Some people may be naturally more jealous than others, but anybody can feel jealous. Jealousy, like fear or hunger, is just a feeling.
  But jealousy isn't really a response to seeing your partner with someone else, at least not directly. it says more about your own security or insecurity than it does about the actions of your partner.
  Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don't get jealous. Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.
  A poly relationship depends much more than a traditional relationship on mutual security and trust. Even the smallest amount of insecurity in a poly relationship can quickly be magnified to the point where it can be lethal to the relationship.
  The problems are magnified even more if you try not to let your fears and your feelings show. One key to making the relationship work is to talk about your fears, openly and immediately, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY'RE IRRATIONAL. Often, naming your fears, bringing them into the light, deprives them of their power.
  I think it's natural to assume that people who aren't monogamous are immune to jealousy, but I don't think it's true. Rather, I think that jealousy is a symptom that something else is wrong. Often, jealousy is a symptom that someone is feeling insecure, or threatened. Address the underlying problem, and the jealousy goes away.
  Jealousy, like other emotions, doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from a feeling that someone's needs aren't being met, or someone feels threatened. People who don't feel threatened, don't feel jealous.
  The key to defeating jealousy, in my experience, is to address the underlying causes of jealousy--if possible, before they come up. Make your partner feel special, needed, and loved, and your partner will not feel threatened or afraid.
  Personally, I'm a big fan of empiricism. One of my favorite quotes is by Francis Bacon, who said "Your true self can be known only by systematic experimentation, and controlled only by being known." I believe that emotions, though they are not rational, do usually have a reason behind them--they are the ancient part of your brain, the part that does not have language, trying to communicate with you.
  So. the question is, why are you jealous? Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it's a feeling that's often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity. What is it that triggers the jealousy, and more important, why? When you think about the things that cause you to feel jealous, what's the first emotional reaction that flashes through your head--fear? Anger? Sadness? Rejection? Loss? What underlies those feelings--fear of loss her? Fear of being insufficient? Anger at someone else moving in on your territory? All of these? None of these?
  Since jealousy usually has its roots in some other emotion, such as fear of loss or feelings of rejection or insecurity or whatever, then often the only way to cope with the jealousy is to deal with the underlying emotions. If you find that your jealousy is rooted in fear, for example, the next step is to explore why you are afraid, and what you are afraid of, and if there's anything you can do to allay that fear. Confronting the jealousy head-on without addressing the things that lie beneath it is often an exercise in frustration.
  Once you've identified the feelings beneath the jealousy, the next step is to ask yourself: what are these feelings serving? Are they serving a legitimate interest? Are they trying to warn you of a real problem, or are they serving only themselves? This can be very tricky, especially with an emotional response like fear--fear can serve as a legitimate warning of a valid danger, but fear also tends to try to protect itself, and if you're afraid of something with no reason, your fear will try to persuade you that it's valid and you have cause to be afraid.
  One thing that's often overlooked, particularly in the poly community, is that there are times when jealousy is a valid and rational response to a situation. if there is a problem in your relationship, or if your partner is using a new relationship as a way to avoid dealing with issues in your relationship, then jealousy is a reasonable response. Separating the jealousy that's a warning of a real problem from the jealousy that isn't is not always an easy task, though.
  Where you go from there depends on what you discover about the root of the jealousy. Fear, insecurity, and so forth are all feelings that can be overcome, though usually not without confronting them directly, and deliberately exposing yourself to the very things that make you afraid or insecure.

1/18/2009 6:16:21 PM
Who Are You?
Where Are You With Yourself & The Lifestyle? 
http://www.submissiveloving.com/whereareyou.html
  Ten years ago I stumbled across an article titled, "the 9 levels of submission", and I took it as gospel. Now I see that it was one fallible human being's opinion rather than fact. Much like my web site. This site and my articles are nothing more than my ideas, thoughts, and opinions regarding domination/submission. If by some chance my readers find the words here helpful, great! If not, no biggie.
  I encourage you to remain true to yourself regardless of what others might wish to label you. Once upon a time it really did matter what others in the lifestyle thought of me. I wanted approval and perhaps some validation. These days I am far too busy living my life to care. That may have changed due to experiences or it may have changed because I've grown up since then. Or, it could be a combination of the two. I may never really know the truth.
  Regardless of the triggers, I am at peace with who I am. I want this for all of you as well. If you take the time to listen to your inner voice I think you agree that to live by other people's labels is a waste of your precious time.
  Am I real? Am I a submissive? A slave? Am I a dominant? A top? A player? Nilla even?
  Are you asking yourself those questions? I know from experience that others ask you. It's fine to have common terms. Common terms allow us to communicate accurately with each other. But do you find that you might be overly consumed with those labels? Does it make you feel better to say that you are a slave instead of a submissive or better because you say that you are a master instead of top?
Why?
  I happen to know the answer. I know because of my experiences and feelings. Insecurity. When we are not secure with who we are we look to outside sources for validation. This doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human. I challenge you to overcome that need for validation. I challenge you to simply be happy with who you are. So maybe you're not any of the labels or terms I've listed above. So what? Your world will not stop turning. Promise. You might even find someone who suits you much better once you begin to concentrate on yourself as a person first and label second.
  I, for example, avoid men who too strongly identify themselves as "Masters". I avoid them like the plague. I get the feeling they cling to that identity like a life raft. It wreaks of insecurity to me. I will not be able to see an insecure male as dominant. Therefore, we will not match. I need to see you as dominant. I couldn't care less how anyone else sees you. If I'm not feeling it, it's not going to work. Same thing with submission. I can scream to the high heavens about how submissive I am but if he doesn't see that in me, it's over.
  I don't suggest playing a role. That can only last for so long before you grow weary and give it up. That might be why so many online people vanish into the abyss. They grew tired of working to be someone they are not and they don't have the strength to speak the truth. It was far too draining trying to live up to someone else's idea of who they should be. I get that. I'm not condoning it but I understand it.
  So where are you right now? Still trying to fit into a box? Attempting to re-create yourself? Does this make you happy
Good luck on your journey,
Cerina

1/16/2009 3:32:35 PM
JEALOUSY 
http://www.atthefence.com/aprilgwyn.htm
Why is jealousy called the green-eyed monster? Possibly because it stems from the fact that it turns us green and turns us into monsters. Monster seems like such an ugly word. Visions of aliens, misshapen radiation contaminated creatures come to mind, consuming all of mankind. Yet, this is exactly what jealousy is. It is an emotion that transforms us into monsters, which not only consume those around us, but also consumes ourselves.
  What is jealousy? Of course, we know it is an emotion. Can we control jealousy? Yes and no. We cannot control the fact that we feel jealousy because we cannot control how we feel inside. However, we do not have to let our feelings control us in our behavior. We can control our behavior. We are the "captains" of our own ships, the master of our behavior.
  Where does jealousy originate? Jealousy almost always originates in our own feelings of inadequacy. We feel we are inadequate to have or be what we think we see others having or being. Jealousy can run into every area of our lives, it has no limits. We can be jealous of material wealth, spiritual wealth, character wealth, personality wealth, beauty, skill and talent; there is not end to the areas in which we can feel jealousy.
  In a relationship, jealousy can destroy not only the relationship but also the jealous spouse or partner as well. Once the pattern of jealous behavior begins, it requires a conscientious effort to overcome it or it will consume the next relationship as well. Jealous behavior may be learned from those around us, perhaps we saw our parent or parents acting in a jealous manner. Perhaps we developed the behavior ourselves following a relationship in which behavior warranted jealous behavior in our eyes. For whatever reason we have come to behave in a jealous manner, we must learn to control it by controlling our behavior.
  Jealousy is a mood. We cannot control our moods. We must learn to recognize them as moods or feelings that we cannot control. Feelings are neither good nor bad; we should not try to judge them. We cannot ever control the way we feel. We can control the manner in which we react to the emotion or feeling. We all talk about the terrible two's. This is an age when temper tantrums develop and we as parents, are expected to teach our children to control their behavior when they are experiencing intense feelings. The child is learning to deal with feelings, he is learning that while he may feel angry, sleepy, sick, selfish, or even jealous, he must learn to control his behavior and not create scenes of uncontrolled emotional behavior.
  We must learn that there is nothing wrong with feeling jealousy. We cannot control how we feel. We can, however, control how we react to the emotion. We need to examine our feeling in an effort to identify the possible cause of our feeling. Many times our spouse has given us no reason to feel a lack of trust, yet when we see them giving attention to or even looking at the opposite sex, we turn green and are overcome with feelings of jealousy. We must realize that we own this feeling. It is not anything, which our spouse has done which has caused us to feel this way; our spouse does not feel this way. We must own our own jealousy; it is ours and ours alone. We are responsible for how we react to this feeling. To forbid our spouse from looking at the opposite sex is ridiculous. He cannot help but see women; she cannot help but see men. We must realize that though our spouse is seeing the opposite sex, we are secure in our relationship with them. We have no cause to feel threatened. We have no justification for forbidding him or her to look at the opposite sex.
  We must identify our fear. Why do we feel threatened? Has our spouse given us cause to feel threatened? What is the worst thing that can happen if our spouse looks at the opposite sex? Will he/she lust after every person of the opposite sex? What is the real threat? Do we fear that another man or woman may be more attractive? Do we feel more threatened by the man or woman on the street than the men or women he/she may be watching on TV or in the movies? Why? Self-examination may reveal the causes for our jealousy. We must realize that our marriages are a complex web of memories, experiences, friendship, bonding which has much more than a physical attraction in its base. What are the chances that the man/woman across the restaurant that your spouse may be admiring will be suddenly drawn to your table and replace you in your seat? Do you feel that your spouse should be constantly mesmerized by your presence to the point where he/she does not see any other people in the restaurant? For him/her to acknowledge another person is the restaurant means that you are not holding his/her full attention? Can we really expect our spouse to be so enchanted by our presence that he/she is blind to anyone else? Do we feel that way? Does our spouse that we do not see anyone else so constantly blind us?
  In this article, I have not addressed the situations that may warrant a frank discussion for the basis for our jealousy. In most situations of jealousy, there is no basis for the reaction of behavior. We feel threatened, jealous and we tell our spouse that he/she is not allowed to look at, appreciate, nor acknowledge the opposite sex when they are in or out of our presence. Because we feel threatened, we expect our spouse to exist in a cage in which they are blinded. What we foster is the very thing we fear. We are forcing our spouse to secretly admire the opposite sex. It is only natural for each of us to look at other people of both sexes. It is only natural for us to admire people of both sexes. We cannot help but admire a well-dressed person, beautiful eyes, beautiful hair or a charming demeanor. When we forbid our spouse to share with us their admiration of another person, we force them to be sneaky, to not share with us their feelings. We are depriving our own relationship of a natural part of life. I am not saying that we should allow our spouse to constantly admire other people to the exclusion of admiring us, but I am saying that we will have a healthier, more natural relationship if we can realize that it is natural for all of us to admire someone of the opposite sex. When we choose to forbid our spouse from sharing this with us, we are limiting the fullness or our relationship with our spouse. We all need to examine our feelings and find that point at which there is healthy balance.

1/15/2009 7:25:02 PM
Voyeurism http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Voyeurism/
  Voyeurism is a practice in which an individual derives sexual pleasure from observing other people. Such people may be engaged in sexual acts, or be nude or in underwear, or dressed in whatever other way the "voyeur" finds appealing.
  Voyeuristic practices may take a number of forms but its characteristic feature is that the voyeur does not directly interact with the object of their voyeurism (often unaware that they are being observed), instead observing the act from a distance, peeping through an opening, and/or using techniques like binoculars, a mirror, camera (including camera phone and video camera), etc., and this stimulus becomes part of a masturbation fantasy during or after the observation.
  Some voyeurs derive sexual pleasure from looking up skirts or trousers, known as an upskirt. This can be accomplished by camera or simply by a chance viewing when a person sits down.  
  Some voyeurs also derive pleasure by looking down shirts and viewing breasts, particularly when a person is bending over. This is commonly referred to as a downblouse.
When done openly it may or may not be appreciated, depending on the other person(s) being exhibitionistic.
  Non-consensual voyeurism is an invasion of privacy.
  Voyeurism is considered a deviant sexual act and even a sex crime in most cultures, is most frequently practiced by males, and is tolerated to some degree in certain societies depending upon the circumstances (e.g., adolescent "Peeping Toms").
  Sites such as http://www.Privatevoyeur.com and http://www.voyeurweb.com depict voyeurism as it is used and condoned in some societies.
  In the United Kingdom, non-consensual voyeurism became a criminal offence on May 01, 2004, under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
  Some organizations and places have started to ban camera phones because of the privacy issues they raise, and to combat voyeurism, e.g. several gym]s in the United States. One country, Saudi Arabia, has banned the sale of camera phones nationwide (although pilgrims on the hajj are allowed to bring in camera phones). Another, South Korea, requires that all camera phones sold in the country make a clearly audible sound whenever a picture is taken.

1/14/2009 2:54:39 AM
"There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.
Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.
Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great deal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.
Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context."
THE HEALTHY SUBMISSIVE
http://www.submissiveloving.com/healthysub.html
1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself "as is" is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.
What makes a woman a submissive?
  As with all conjectures about human development, the answer is likely two-fold: a combination of nature and nurture, biology and environment.
  There is a whole body of literature that makes observations about temperment. This literature talks about the variations in behavior in infancy as a manifestation of temperment: the expression of regularity, responsiveness, and reactivity. In the area of regularity, some infants are regular and predictable from the get-go: they sleep regularly, wake at predictable intervals to nurse, and have predictable periods of alertness in which they begin the earliest socialization. Some infants are irregular: they will one day sleep for an 8 hour stretch, then be awake all night, the next day they will sleep for one hour intervals through a 24 hour period. In the area of responsiveness, some infants will find novelty and intense stimulation aversive, and will withdraw or become irritable when presented with those; some infants are stimulated to engage and explore novelty and intense stimulation. Some infants have high thresholds for sensation, requiring a relatively intense stimulus to become aversive, some have low thresholds, and respond to mild stimulation.     
  Some infants will for example, be intensely distressed by a wet diaper; some will not register discomfort until diaper rash sets in.
  The sum total of these innate, biologically founded responses make up temperment. It is easy to see what people mean by an "easy" baby: one who sleeps, eats, and eliminates regularly and predictably; one who has a moderate response to stimulation, neither withdrawing nor reacting intensely; one who is drawn easily into social exchanges, and provides pleasurable reinforcement of socialization with their caregivers, one who is easily "read" and easily comforted, one who accepts change without undue distress.
  I think one of the traits in this biologically grounded array that makes up temperment is common to all submissives. And that is social responsiveness. I would suggest that the baby who is tempermentally "set" to register and respond selectively and sensitively to social cues has the seeds of submissiveness in her nature. This is the baby that will search the environment for a human face; who will be attuned to, and very responsive to the human voice; who will preferentially and selectively attend to, and process, human interaction.
  This baby, as she grows into childhood, will be easy to control, to shape, especially if she is tempermentally on the "easy" side. This little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to criticism and correction, to disapproval, to praise. Rather than requiring a raised voice to correct, a raised eyebrow will often do.
  Even further, this little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to nuance: she will know when others are angry, hurt, sad, bewildered even when they are not spoken about. She has a "sixth sense" about people.
  As children do, she requires the adults in her life to validate her perceptions when appropriate. Let's say her parents are troubled by a financial stress, and like good, responsible parents seek to shield her from their stress. The child will pick up on the unspoken tension, sensitive as she is to subtleties of body language, voice pitch, facial expression. She might inquire of her parents what is wrong, and be told "nothing is wrong, honey... go and play." This leaves the child confused: she knows in that way that she knows, that something is wrong. But her perceptions are not validated. She is told nothing is wrong. But her parents, who are not at their best, may be a little short with her, and picking THAT up too, she goes off to play concluding that she must have done something wrong, to be sent away. Part of this is the megalomania of childhood, part of this is a reasonable and logical synthesis of resolving the child's felt sense of things with what she is told.
  This kind of interaction, repeated over the years, in the BEST and most loving of families, leads to an adult personality in which there is some anxiety associated with relatedness. The submissive female learns to scan the social environment for signs of trouble, seeks to "fix" the trouble, and all too often, believes herself to be the cause of the trouble. If someone important is tired, the submissive has exhausted them. If someone important is angry, the submissive must have angered them. If someone important is disappointed, the submissive must have failed them.
  This trait, this interpersonal sensitivity in its highest expression is when the submissive accurately registers interpersonal nuance, and responds to it with a minimun of self-referral, recognizing that other's emotional states may have nothing to do with the submissive herself. This is how it works for the healthy submissive, who as an adult, often finds great fulfillment working in fields such as social work, nursing, medicine, counselling, teaching.
  There are certain vulnerabilities a child constituted with a submissive nature faces.
  Because of her intense awareness of interpersonal nuance, she is highly sensitive to both criticism and praise. When criticized, she is likely to feel intense shame; when praised, intense pleasure. Since the shame feels so bad, and the praise so pleasurable, she becomes a people-pleaser. This tends to lead to the development of what psychologists call "an external locus of control." Meaning that child bases her self assessment (am I good or bad?) on factors outside herself. The female submissive defines herself based on what others tell her she is.
  Parents have enormous responsibility with such an influenceable child. Nascent talents can either be nurtured or aborted with just a word. This child will likely live up, or down to, whatever is expected of her. Expect more than she can constitutionally do (like academic, athletic, or social success) and she will develop an intense sense of inferiority.      
  Praise her out of proportion to her talents (this is the BEST drawing any child EVER did) and she will develop an inflated sense of self. Accurately and sensitively validate her real abilities and talents, and she will seek goals appropriate to her ability, and take pleasure in acheiving them.
  When the environment is reality based, sensitive, and balanced, the child grows up embracing her special ability to be "related" to others, to be sensitive, and has a sense of self in reasonable tune with her true abilities and vulnerabilities, neither excessively self effacing or self aggrandizing.
  But if development should go awry, as it too often does for this child, the personality traits she has develop in a distorted manner, and cause her difficulties.
  In dysfunctional families, this child suffers more than others with tougher hides, less reactive temperments. She is often the one singled out for physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Her very nature makes her available for use: for the parent's angers, frustrations, sexual impulses, or narcissistic gratification.
When a submissive child is misused in this fashion, she is unable to utilize her interpersonal talents in a constructive way.     
  She must either develop rigid defenses that constrain her ability to be flexible as an adult, or be blown about by the winds of other's emotions all her life, or become stuck in what are popularly called, "co-dependent relationships."
  Women who emerge from childhood with these traits will be more or less consciously submissive in that they are STILL moldable, controllable by others. Those who don't consciously seek a Dominant partner will naturally gravitate to a man who influences, controls her in a benevolent manner. Who accepts her, loves her, nurtures her, and values her sensitivity.
  Those who consciously seek a Dominant partner are those who are perhaps, so sensitive that they require not only benevolence, but someone who understands PRECISELY how moldable and influenceable they are, and is capable of using the power to mold her and influence her deliberately and consciously, for her good and the good of the relationship.
  In that kind of relationship, the submissive is freed to be all of herself. She is safe enough to feel her exquisitely sensitive reactions to others, to play like a child, to give care and to take care, to be angry, to lose shame.
There is a strength beyond measure in self knowledge and acceptance. There is freedom in jettisoning shame, in letting go of "shoulds."
To know oneself as a submissive woman, to accept that it is neither the terrible thing that society tells us it is, nor the only right and true way to be for OTHERS, is to be free. What is, is.
  There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.
Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.
Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great deal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.
Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context.

1/13/2009 9:16:31 AM

http://www.angelfire.com/ego/torandark/soundpage.html

1/12/2009 10:12:58 AM
Expectations or
what your submissive may expect from you.
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/torandark/expectations.html
  Your submissive expects to have certain rights, some of which may include:
       The right to set limits
       The right to be treated fairly
       The right to fair punishment
       The right to be heard
       The right to be respected
       The right to feel protected
       The right to feel safe
       The right to feel cherished
       The right to feel appreciated
  Sometimes those rights may be included in the limits that are stated in a written "contract" that both parties (Dom/sub) may negotiate upfront. Establishing a contract between the parties is “typical” in a BDSM relationship. However, some choose not to have a “written” contract. Although the contract may not be upheld by a court of law, the contract might be considered as a clarification of the boundaries and expectations of each party in the relationship. Each contract may contain both “hard” and “soft” limits, among other items.
  While in our relationship we choose not to have a contract, at the outset we agreed on some basic rules for what we feel is not negotiable and that we are not willing do. For us that means no scat or water sports (shit and piss play), no sodomy (sex with animals), no pedophilia (sex with children or minors), no incest. Those are things we call our "hard-limits". And, will never be touched unless both will consent to it.
  We both have the expectation and right to have the established limits respected. Soft, my submissive, relies on the limits we have set and that I honour them, since in several scenes she is restrained or immobilized, gagged and it would be easy for her to be forced into those kind of activities. A submissive will literally put her/his life in the Dom/mes hand. By default a relationship without the necessary trust will not bloom. Trust is at the crux of and is crucial to form and to keep a relationship working.
  We have not expressly established any “soft” limits, as we agreed that there are many things neither of us has tried yet, but that we might wish to explore together. We feel this gives us a greater flexibility to explore our "kink". Having said that, other things like bloodletting, scaring, edge play are set on a "soft-limit" list. We are not ready to try them yet, but have agreed we may try them at a later time.
  In any D/s, BDSM, M/s scene the submissive should be allowed to have a safe-word. What the safe-word is and the proper use of the safe-word is something you should discuss and both have a clear understanding of, before scening. A safe-word is a word or string of words, or action, which, if used during a "scene" the scene may be instantly ended or altered. For example, in the beginning of our relationship we agreed on a "safe-word". In every case I will and I did respect use of that safe-word.
  My submissive knows that I never mean to harm her or to inflict wounds, or put her in real danger. Knowing that she can decide for herself when she does not feel safe. Soft and I, both have the right to end or change the pace of a scene through the use of a safe-word.
  A submissive should expect her/his dominant to be human. We all make mistakes; we all have fears and inhibitions. And, a submissive has the right to expect free and open communication. Sometimes a scene does not seem to be safe to others, and sometimes we need to listen to what others have to say where inexperience is concerned. If we try new things we try on a smaller scale like a small demo-version of a new program with lots of safety nets. If a scene, or anything, goes amiss, admit your mistakes and discuss them with your submissive openly. Only through communicating these to your submissive can she/he react to them.
  Another expectation of a submissive of his/her Dominant is that you will be reasonable and you may punish. When you engage in a BDSM relationship as mentions before, you may allow or prohibit certain things, activities or behaviours. The Dominant will set the rules (as negotiated with the submissive) and they are to be followed by the sub/slave. If she fails to perform up to the Dom's expectations it might be a punishable act.
  For example, the Dominant has to trust in the proper use of and place the proper importance on the use of a given safe-word. For that reason some Dominants choose to "punish" the use of the safe-word so use of a safe-word might not be improperly used or abused during a scene. Safe-words are not to be taken lightly by either party.
  ALWAYS keep the punishment in accordance with the undesirable "action" committed. Never escalate the punishment. You may want to set a reminder for the sub, but keep it within reason.
  The submissive places her trust in you. She expects you to be alert at all times during a scene. Stay on top of the game. Always keep in mind that no matter how many safety nets you install - freak accidents happen. Been there done that! (and luckily no harm was done)
  Watch you sub carefully through the scene. Can she take any more? She might not safe-word because she fainted. She might be in agony too much to think clearly. Aside from sometimes-potentially dangerous scenes, one big risk is called "subspace". Subspace is very desirable situation for Dom as well as for the sub. She's totally into it!
  Pain for example is no experienced as pain but rather as a stimulating and desirable sensation. "Please don’t stop, Sir" – be aware and don’t always believe what you hear. After all it is you who is in control. While the sub gets spanked, whipped, flogged and otherwise teased and "tortured" she may lose the ability to assess how much she can take before serious damage is inflicted.
  After a scene, please give your submissive some time to get back into real-life mode. She's given you quite a lot of herself in the scene. Let her come out of subspace and be prepared for tears. Sometimes a scene might be very intense for the sub and she needs a strong hand to catch her. Now it's time to give back - give her some TLC, to show your appreciation, to show that you cherish what she has given.
  I remember occasions when after a scene Soft was crying not out of pain but relief. She got into "subspace" and she could let go of herself. I was so confused and insecure about what happened. It felt kind of like sex for the first time to me. I had no idea what I did wrong. I held her close and tried to comfort her, I apologized for whatever I had done. Fact was she was just overwhelmed with joy and her feelings. Nothing I did was wrong. (One of my very best moments with Soft - thank you for that).
  In summary, the submissive expects to feel safe, cherished, and respected. They expect that their dominant will be, consistent, reasonable, in control, careful and ever watchful of them. They have the right to expect these things and much more.
  On January 23rd Soft and I will have been living together, been a real-life, 24/7 couple, for one year! It has been an amazing year and I can’t thank her enough for it. The support I got from her has been incredible and I know I never felt that much compassion, unconditional love and caring from anyone before her.

1/11/2009 1:37:27 PM
The Selective Slut by Kayla Kuffs 
 http://www.erotimania.com/library/
  The first time I was called a slut in a BDSM context I was extremely insulted. How dare they? How rude! But I was too new to this lifestyle to do anything more than think those words. I did however, notice the term slut tossed around like a beach ball and I had a real hard time with it. How could these women accept that term?
  Well time has educated me a little. So have a few dominants that have passed through my life. I've shaken off the vanilla context that word has and have come to quite enjoy it when some people call me a slut. Go figure - things change.
  Slut. A sexually promiscuous woman? No. Not me. A Whore? Uh uh! Not in the conventional meaning of the word! But that's where the difference is - convention. Living a BDSM lifestyle, however you live it, means you have thrown some conventions out the window and have chosen a different path. Along that path, things that are not acceptable to the average person become not only acceptable, but normal practices in the BDSM realm. Abusive activities become loving, abusive names become terms of endearment, reputations you were at loathe to have associated with you become badges of honor to savor and be proud of. Slut! YEAH!
  So what does that word mean to me now? It means enjoying certain things to a far greater degree than before. Experimenting with fantasies, indulging in sensations, embracing variety. Being free to try it all. Being free to acknowledge wants and needs. Yes, the word slut has a very different meaning for me than it used to.
  It doesn't mean I have to submit to every Dom, Dick and Harry that crosses my path. On the contrary, I'm as choosy now as I ever have been. And quite truthfully, the majority of submissives I know are just as choosy. Yet we all seem to smile when we hear the word slut.
  Being a slut seems to have become a goal for the majority of submissives I know. It's almost become our mission, to viewed that way by the dominants we want to please. We don't want to be viewed that way by strangers, or even friends, just our dominant of the day. We're selective in our sluttiness. I like to think of it as being a selective slut.
  We want to be somebody's slut; or their whore; or their cunt. We want to be available for use. We want to be a vehicle of sexual pleasure, but for a specific someone, not for the world in general.
  We don't want to be the slut of our teenage years, the one that slept around and had a new boyfriend once a week. We don't want to be viewed as a conventional whore, providing sexual favors for money or gifts. We want to behave that way on a one on one basis so that the object of our desire feels the benefits of being with a wanton soul. We want to fulfill their animalistic needs and wants, sate the urges that rage through their loins (and ours).
  Within the confines of BDSM we have an ability the vanilla world doesn't afford us. We have the ability to embrace our sexuality in ways that tend to be stifled in us as we're growing up. We don't have to be ladies and gentlemen all the time. We can shed our 'proper' fa�ade and go for the gusto! We can do more that flirt, we can do more than tease. We can get down and dirty and slutty and trot our little asses around the room and show our charms and delight the object of our affections.
  And it's allowed. Hell, it's not only allowed, for most of us, it's encouraged. Encouraged to the point that we get all slutted up and taken to parties and events just to show off how slutty we are. How lucky our dominant is to have such a slut to play with. And we can puff up our slutty chests, and wiggle our slutty asses in the safety and protection of our dominant and have people look us and enjoy the fact we are being our slutty best.
  Look but don't touch. We're sluts, but we're selective sluts.

1/10/2009 9:09:53 AM

http://www.erotimania.com/library/
HOW TO SAY "NO" (AND GET HEARD) By Alpha 
Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE. 
  Men and women look at dating and cruising differently.
  Women are socialized to be nice, never hurt anyone's feelings and to act feminine (i.e. don't ask a guy out, don't be pushy, help him to feel like a strong, self-sufficient man, etc.)
  
  Men are socialized to be competitive, not ask for help, be persistent and even "pushy" when it comes to asking a girl out. They learn that their persistence will be rewarded, at least some of the time. Men often believe that " no" doesn't always mean no. It could mean maybe. An absence of " no" could mean " yes". They learn this from their friends, from urban myths they hear, from men's pornography and even from their own experiences.
  Women are raised to believe that if they have sex (and  all women get mixed messages about this) they choose that particular person to be with, and that this is a selection that they have made that in no way reflects on whether they want to have sex with lots of people. Each time they choose, it is a personal and individual choice. But men are raised to see women's sexual behavior differently. If a man sees a woman who is unattached, he assumes she might want him. If she dates or has sex with another man, he assumes that she might be available to him. If a woman plays publicly in the leather scene, or plays with more than one person in her lifetime, a man is apt to assume that he has a chance with her, too. By now you should be seeing the obvious " culture clash" that men and women bring to the mating game.
  Let's go back to high school where we all learned about sex.
  No, not from sex ed class -- from our friends, from the streets and from peer pressure. Do you remember how a girl got a reputation as a " slut"? Did you ever hear of a man getting a bad reputation as a slut? Were the rules about this different for women than for men? Did men get rejected by their peers for having lots of women?
  In high school, boys learn to ask girls out. They learn to accept rejection, but they continue to hope that a pretty girl will date them. They learn from their peers that you must be a bit pushy sometimes to get a girl to go out with you. They learn from pornography that girls secretly want to have sex with everyone, that their sexuality is insatiable, and that " no" doesn't always mean " no" -- it could be that you just haven't got her  aroused enough yet. Some men think that girls say " no" because they want to appear to the guy as a " good girl". They may also come to believe that some girls like to be " forced" so that they can later not feel any guilt about having had sex!
  So, to many men  -- when a woman says " NO!" he hears " Maybe?"  He brings all of his cultural upbringing to his experience and may feel that if he's lucky and persistent and can arouse her enough, she will  might well say yes.
  Now we come into the leather scene as adults and we enter a whole new culture.
  The culture of leather is far different from the one of high school. In this culture, women can be openly sexual and make choices and choose to be dominant or submissive.
  Women can play with multiple partners and do public scenes without fear of being labeled " sluts" ( the bad kind) and they can do sexual things naked in front of a crowd and no one will bother them�����or can they????
  When men enter the leather scene they often can't believe their good fortune! Here they get to see naked women on a regular basis and perhaps play with many of them. They have to follow accepted rules but non-monogamy of some sort is very common. Some men have described feeling like " a kid in a candy store" when they first came into the BDSM scene. But of course in this new culture they have to leave their old misconceptions from high school behind��.. or do they??????Herein is the problem.
  Some men entering the leather scene don't shed all of their training from high school. They may come to hold beliefs that teach them that all women fit a mold, or that all women are available to them sexually. They may see a woman play with more than one partner at a party and their old cultural beliefs kick in that tell them that if she is playing publicly, then she might be available to them.
  We also would be remiss if we didn't mention what we all know too clearly.
  Not everyone who enters the leather scene is a picture of mental health. There are crazies out there, and the promise of getting to hurt people, especially women, tends to attract a share of real, non-consensual weirdoes�. The kind that want to kill and dismember people and lock the parts in their trunk in the garage.
  There are some very strange people who come in from the internet chat rooms and have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality.
  The percentage is small -- but why take chances? Every year people are killed by persons advertising themselves as BDSM players when in fact these people are murderers and rapists.
  Be careful. Know who you are going out with. The risk is small BUT IT IS A RISK. Don't relax your guard just because it's not a single's bar!
  There are some dominants (of both genders) who clearly advertise that they are non-consensual players. But the BDSM community has done such a great job of stressing that we all play safely and consensually, it's often hard for a sub to believe that these people might well be telling the truth -- if someone says they don't play consensually, and they really want to do things that place a sub's life and emotional well being at serious risk, believe them.
  So what does a woman do when she's dealing with a man who's often been raised to think that her " no" could mean maybe? What does she do if she finds herself being persistently propositioned, groped, or otherwise made to feel uncomfortable by unwanted attentions from  one of these men?
  The first thing to do is not get too infuriated. It might be easy to get enraged at men in general for not getting it, but remember, they are products of male conditioning, just as we are products of female conditioning. They must learn new behaviors and ways of dealing with women. BUT SO MUST WOMEN LEARN NEW WAYS OF DEALING WITH MEN. We can't fairly expect that men do all the changing.
  But what if the woman defines herself as submissive in the BDSM scene? How can she be submissive and assertive with "jerks" at the same time? Even a submissive woman can and should learn to say "no" to someone with whom she has NOT consented to play. This is not out of her role! Submissives can and should have safe words or some kind of signals that allow their Dominant to know what's going on with them. SAYING "NO!" IS JUST ANOTHER SAFE WORD, albeit one that is used with strangers or those who don't have good manners in the scene.
  Remember the training that women have to "be nice" and not hurt people's feelings? Many women are unclear or even misleading when they attempt to set boundaries with pushy men or women. They don't actually say " No". They say gentle things, things that they think men should understand as being a turn-down. But men don't understand that unclear messages mean no. They think they mean " maybe".
  What sorts of things do women say that are unclear? ........... Things like:
"Not right now, I'm playing with someone else."  (He thinks "Oh, she wants me later.")
"Of course I find you attractive, but I can't play with you because I'm in service to ______." (He thinks, "Oh she wants me later, I'll ask her Dom for her.")
"Maybe another time." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")
"Thanks for your interest, I'll think about it." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")
  Or women flirt with a man to be seen as attractive and desirable, even if they would never in a million years play with him. This, of course, leads a man to have an interest in that woman.
WHAT CAN A SUBMISSIVE DO IF BEING PESTERED BY SOMEONE? 
1. If the pesky person is drunk or high, go immediately to a DM and report their behavior. A person who's drunk/high and obnoxious is a hazard to everyone. You could be saving another sub from a bad experience.
2. Discuss with your Dom the possibility that someone might pester you when you go to a social or party. Find out what your Dom would like you to do.
ANY TIME ANOTHER DOM HITS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR DOM, THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED NOT ONLY YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED THE ROLE AND PERSON OF YOUR MASTER/MISTRESS.
  Protocol varies from couple to couple, but this is one big protocol that nearly everyone agrees on in BDSM.
  The most common issue is that your Dom is in the bathroom, outside smoking, playing with another sub, home sick with the flu, or otherwise not available for you to get to immediately. That is usually when pestering types strike.
What then?
  Go over these  boundary-setting behaviors with your Dom and see which he/she prefers that you use:
* Use this example and talk about what your options might be. Don't think it might not happen� it just might!
You are at a social gathering and your Dom is across the room packed full of people� so full that it would take you minutes to get to him/her. You are standing with a friend when a Dominant approaches you.
He:
gives you a hug
gives you a hug and then squeezes your bottom
gives you a hug, pinches your nipples and then says " When can I play with you?"
orders you to your knees
orders you to your knees and tells you to perform oral sex on him
(By the way, ALL of these things have happened at a BDSM social)
 Don't count on your Dom knowing that you are being rudely pursued and don't count on the protection of other Doms -- they may not know what's going on. Recently a submissive woman was being rudely pestered by a Dom and after spending minutes to get back to her Dom and get away from this obnoxious fellow she arrived at her Dom's side, only to have him say to the rude man ( jokingly) " Why, I've never seen this woman before in my life!" He was joking, but it sure didn't help her feel safe!
  If you are alone or with other subs/friends you have one of many options if someone is being rude and disrespectful.
  Remember, being rude is not a form of play unless negotiated. Anyone who attempts to play with you without negotiation is disrespecting you and your dominant and the relationship you share.
Here are a few things you can do.
1. Say " No!" clearly. 
Examples:
a) "Leave me alone, I do not want to play with you"
b) "Don't touch me without permission of my Dom/Master/Mistress!"
c) "If you keep pestering me I will have you removed from this gathering."
2. What if you might want to play with this person in the future, but not now?
Examples:
a) "I have plans for tonight but I will talk to you at another time. Not now."
b) " I might want to play with you sometime but you must talk to my Dom/Master/Mistress first."
c) "I am interested in talking to you more about playing but I'd prefer we do it over coffee and not here. You may call me."
3. If a person touches you in a way you find offensive, give him his hand back and say " You do not have permission to touch me." If they persist, have them removed.This is assault if they don't stop when told to.
4. Let your play partner know that there has been a problem of single Doms cruising subs right after they've played. Ask to stay with your play partner for after care or  ask someone else to sit with you to monitor the situation. When you're still high from sub space is a bad time to be negotiating with a stranger.
5. If someone attempts to play with you without your permission ( i.e. strikes you, hits you with implements, pins you in a corner, etc) do not hesitate to have them removed from the gathering. If you feel in danger, don't hesitate to use self-defense strategies.
6. If someone is coercing you, threatening you or not abiding by your limits, do not play with him/her.
Bibliography:

You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen
SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield, MD
If Men Could Talk� by Alon Gratch, PhD
What He Can't Tell You and Needs to Say by Brenda Shoshonna, PhD
What Women Want by Lawrence Stains and Stefan Bechtel
The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD
Tongue Fu! How To Disarm, Deflect and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn


1/9/2009 4:46:32 AM

Levels of Collaring
Levels of Collaring by Carolyn Keeling
Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE  
http://www.erotimania.com/library/BDSM%20articles/levelsofcollaring.htm
My idea is to find someone to permanently collar (eventually), after a long testing period with intermediate collars.
Meeting/Courting Period:    We meet, find our tastes are compatible in most all general areas, that we are attracted to each other sexually and that we just plain like each other. Also, we acknowledge that I'm Dominant enough for you, you're submissive enough for me and the Masochism/Sadism dichotomy works. When we are together, you wear a Stainless Steel collar; it's removed when you leave.
1st Level of Collaring:  You become my "boy" (Note: can be "man servant" or "serving man") and address me as "Trainer". We work out a 3 month Contract between us, which basically states our expectations of each other. I lock a Sterling Silver collar around your neck, but I give you a key, so you can remove it when it's absolutely necessary. You spend your weekends with me but you remain living at home and working full time... and I begin training you to become more to me than just a "boy". If, by the end of the Contract we can see that everything's working, we proceed to Level 2. (Otherwise, we can either not sign a new Contract and become friends, or we could extend it for another 3 month period.)
2nd Level of Collaring:
  Now you become my "submissive" and continue to address me as "Trainer". We renegotiate our Contract, this time for 6 to 9 months, fixing anything that didn't work during Level 1 and adding new areas, if we wish. I lock a White Gold collar around your neck, but I don't give you a key. (The collar will be suitable for wear at all times.) Outside of your work, you'll be my full time serving boy... and you'll serve me in every way. If, by the end of the 2nd level, we both adore each other and are willing to make a commitment for the long term, we proceed to Level 3. (Again, if things are not working, we can become friends or extend the Contract.)
3rd Level of Collaring:    Now, you become my "slave" and you may address me as your "Mistress". We renegotiate our Contract once again, honing it down to the essentials. I have a Platinum collar sautered around your neck, which you'll wear as long as you're my slave, hopefully forever. You'll move in with me and cut back your work to 3 days a week (if possible) in order to serve me better, and every year, on our anniversary, I'll offer to renegotiate our Contract and remove your collar... and you'll refuse, because you're happy serving me.   :-)   (Or, again, we become friends.)


1/8/2009 1:48:33 PM

Southern Salesman 
A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof ' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says ... 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says ... 'Yes sir, I was a salesman back in Mississippi.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down and said ...
'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says ... 'one'.
The boss says ... 'Just one???  Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'.
The boss says ... '$121,237.65??  How's that possible?  We don't have anything that cost that much!!!!'
The kid says ...'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat.  We went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said ... 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said ...'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said ... 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'


1/7/2009 2:51:09 AM

How to Become a Secure Person 
Practical steps to becoming more secure 
Last update 10-May-2006 http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html
  Some polyamorous people see polyamory as a path to spiritual enlightenment, believing that polyamory connects them with the universal spirit of the Divine or some such thing.
  Me, I'm not terribly spiritual. (Yes, it's true!) I don't see polyamory as a "spiritual path," I'm not prone to believing in "sacred sexuality" as a way to explore my connection with the Universal Cosmic Divine, and my own approach to polyamory (and to life in general) is very practical and hands-on. This is why I do not believe, for example, that love is infinite...but that's a topic for another time.
  There is a saying: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I don't believe a word of it. Often, the way it works in practice is quite the opposite. You get rid of fear, and the love follows more easily. The "getting rid of fear" part, though, is the trick.
  And getting rid of fear and insecurity makes life better. Ultimately, dealing with fears and insecurities is something that must be done; a person can deal with them by hiding from them, deal with them by rearranging his life around them, or deal with them by destroying them completely, but not dealing with them generally isn't an option. And frankly, with the amount of time and effort people invest in hiding from their fears or building their lives around their fears, just eradicating them to begin with is actually less effort in the long run.
  This page is about practical, ordinary ways to deal with fear and insecurity, and become self-confident and self-assured.
  Don't always assume you can trust your feelings.
  Fear is deceptive. Fear will attempt to justify itself. Often, you can think of your fears as though they were living creatures of their own; they will fight to protect and defend themselves, just like any other living thing.
  Fear is tricky because it can color and distort the way you see the world. You will often see (or, sometimes, fabricate) things which support your fear, while totally missing things which contradict your fear. On top of that, when you are afraid, you tend to project that feeling into the past, remembering most strongly those things which confirm your fear; and into the future, and believe, if only subconsciously, that this is the only way you will ever respond to this kind of situation, and no other response is possible.
  Fear tends to wither and die if you drag it out into the light, though. I'm personally a big fan of marching into the closet, grabbing the biggest and ugliest monster in there by the tail, and then dragging it out and going toe-to-toe with it. Fears gain strength when you let them hide in the shadows, and lose strength when you examine them and confront them head-on.
  So. I'm going to start with a hypothetical situation, and lay out a plan for conquering a fear, step by step. Different fears express themselves differently, and fears and insecurities can manifest in many ways, but the same tools can be used for dealing with them all. For the sake of example, I'll start with a fairly common response I've seen in poly relationships many times: you have a partner, your partner has another partner, and you feel insecure or jealous when you see them together in a romantic context, like when you see them kiss.
  Ready? Here we go!
First, look beneath the surface
  Before you can do anything else, you must figure out what lies at root of the response. This is the first and most critical of all tools for dealing with fear or insecurity. Insecurities, jealousies, and fears are often composite emotions--emotions made of other emotions. You can't confront the fear until you understand what lies beneath it.
  Say, for example, you see your sweetie kissing someone else, and that brings up a negative emotional response--jealousy, fear, whatever. Look at that fear! (Yes, I know this is difficult; when you're in the grip of a negative emotion, all you want to do is make it stop, right now, by any means necessary.) Examine what it's telling you. Why do you have that response? Is it because you believe that you can't compete with the other person? Is it because you're afraid your lover may find you wanting? Is it because you're afraid your lover will leave you, or want you less, or prefer someone else's company? Try filling in the blanks: "If my lover kisses another person in front of me, then the bad thing that will happen is ______." "If this keeps happening, then it means ________." "If my lover really loves this other person, then ______."
Further Down the Rabbit Hole
  Once you have an idea of what it is that underlies the fear, keep following it down the rabbit hole. For example, let's say that you have a negative emotional response when you see your partner kiss someone else, and you figure out "I am afraid that that other person might kiss better than me, and my partner might want that other person more than me." Well, now figure out what's underlying that fear. Is it rooted in fear of abandonment? Low self-esteem? Fear of competition? Fear of loss? What is it you're afraid that means? Why do you believe that the other person might kiss better than you--and more to the point, why do you think that's even relevant?Disassemble! Disassemble!
  When you've done that, you've made a lot of progress. For example, let's say you have a negative emotional response when you see your partner kiss someone else, you've figured out that the response is caused because you fear that if your partner's other partner is a better kisser than you, you will lose something, and you've figured out that this is rooted in the idea that if your partner's other partner is more pleasing to him, your partner will want to be with that other person and not with you.
  Okay, now we're getting somewhere! The root of the response is fear of abandonment. Now you need to take that fear apart. This is what I mean when I say "drag the fear out of the closet and go toe-to-toe with it." You need to disassemble the response, and figure out whether or not it's valid.
  One way to do this is to examine the assumptions about your relationship that your fear reveals. Do you believe that your partner is with you because of the way you please him in bed? Do you believe that if your partner finds another person more sexy or more pleasing, you may lose some or all of your relationship? Are those beliefs founded? Is it possible that your partner is with you for reasons besides those? What might those reasons be? What value do you add to your partner's life? Does your partner value you for the way you please him, or for who you are? Is it even meaningful to say that one person can replace another?
  Now, the danger in doing this is that sometimes, you may find your fear really is justified. Not all fears are irrational. There are people in the world who are only with someone for a lay, and will move on as soon as they find a better fuck. It could very well be that in this hypothetical situation, this is the case. If so, so be it. The best way to keep from being disillusioned is not to have any illusions in the first place; if your partner is only with you for a lay, then this is the kind of thing you should know.
  But more likely, you will find that when you do this, your fears fall apart. When you examine your relationship with your partner, you will likely find that, no, you add value to your partner's life in a myriad of ways, large and small, and that even if your top-level fears are realized and your partner finds someone better in bed than you (or whatever), it does not mean you will lose your partner.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
  At this point, I'm going to digress a bit and talk about what it means to be a "fearful person" or an "insecure person" or a "jealous person."
  I've talked to a lot of people who say things like "Oh, i could never be polyamorous; I'm just a jealous person"--as if being a jealous person were some matter of genetics, something over which we all have no control, like being born with blond hair or...well, no, people actually think they have more control over their hair color than over their own conceptions about themselves, which is interesting.
  Let's say you went to a piano concert. Would you say that the pianist up on the stage was "just a good pianist," as if that's all there was to it? Hell, no--and if you did, she'd likely punch you. You get to be a good pianist by long, hard practice. A good pianist is made, not born.
  The same is true of being a secure person--or an insecure person. People are accomplished at being insecure because they practice being insecure. They practice diligently, every day, for years; it's no wonder they're good at it.
  You practice being insecure every time you let yourself think "Oh, I'm not good enough for that" or "Oh, my partner doesn't really want to be with me" or "Oh, I don't deserve that" or whatever.
  After a time, this way of thinking becomes natural and effortless. A pianist who has practiced enough does not consciously have to move each finger to the proper key; after a while, they find the keys by themselves, without conscious effort. A person who practices being afraid or insecure soon becomes very natural at it; you find the things to support your fear, you learn the tools to reinforce your fear, without consciously thinking about it.
  The same is true of self-confidence and security. These are things you practice; practice them enough, and they become totally natural, a part of who you are.
Building better habits
  So back to dealing with fear. Once you've deconstructed your fear, discovered what it's rooted in and taken those roots apart, once you've found a list of things which discredit your fear, it's simply a matter of reaching for those things that your partner values in you and that you add to your partner's life whenever the fear raises its head. The thing about fear and jealousy and insecurity is that these things are a lot like like playing a piano; they represent ways of looking at the world which improve with practice. Just as practice can make a person into a highly accomplished pianist, so does practice turn someone into a highly fearful or highly jealous person. And on the contrary, practicing discrediting your fear, developing the mental habit of staring down your fears and insecurities and saying "No, you're wrong, and here's why" whenever they stir, will make you accomplished at feeling self-confident and secure.
  Once you understand why your fear is flawed, you simply have to train yourself to stop reinforcing it, and to reinforce the feelings of value and security instead. This will feel awkward and unnatural at first, just as learning to play the piano feels awkward and unnatural at first. But you become good at what you practice. If you practice being afraid, you get good at it; if you practice being courageous and fearless, you get good at that.
  When I feel something that makes me feel insecure or fearful, I tend to want to push on that thing. So to take my hypothetical example, if I were to feel an unexpected negative reaction at seeing a partner kiss someone else, rather than try to hide from it or to tell my partner not to do it, I would instead tell her "I feel this way when I see this, so when you do this when I'm around, I may want to talk to you about those feelings later." I certainly would not expect her not to do it in front of me; I believe that approach is the way away from courage, and would simply make the fear stronger.
  When you push on the things that make you afraid--when you deliberately expose yourself to those things--you rob them of their power. On the other hand, when you give in to those fears, or (worse yet) when you pass relationship rules designed to hide the things you're afraid of--"No kissing when I am around!"--you reinforce those fears, and you allow them to control your life. Building your life around your fears is not an effective strategy for leading a happy life; and maneuvering your partner's behavior around your fears is not a good strategy for building a happy relationship.
Three easy steps to self-confidence
How do you practice being self-confident? How do you make all this theory happen? In three steps, just like the title says, of course!   
  Step 1: First, understand that you have a choice. You did not choose your past experiences, of course; you did not choose to have people make fun of you back in the fifth grade, or having a past partner who told you you weren't good enough, or whatever...but you did have a choice about believing these things and internalizing them, and right now you do have a choice about continuing to believe it, or changing the things you believe about yourself.
  The single hardest thing to do if you want to change your self-image is to realize that it is a choice. Once you've made that step, the rest is easy.
  Step 2: Once you understand that you have a choice over the way you feel, the next part is simple. Choose to act like someone who is self-confident, even though you are not. Remember, you control your actions; you control your body; you can choose to act self-confident and act secure even if you don't feel it. You will feel uncomfortable, of course; your feelings will try to get in the way of your actions. Acting self-confident will feel phony and forced at first. You will obsess, going over in your mind all the imaginary reasons why you shouldn't be acting this way, you need to be afraid or insecure instead. You still have a choice. You still control your actions. You can choose to act confident even though it feels uncomfortable.
  Step 3: Practice. You become good at whatever you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good about being insecure because he practices being insecure every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You practice being insecure by thinking about those old insults you heard in fifth grade, remembering them, believing them, telling yourself they are true. You practice being insecure by going over in your mind all the reasons you are not good enough to be with your partner, and imagining how easily he could abandon you if he just wakes up and realizes how worthless you are. You practice being insecure by making lists of everything that is wrong with you.
  People who are secure practice being secure. It's no different, really. To practice being secure, stop thinking about all those old insults--when they come into your mind, tell yourself firmly "No, these are false, and I choose not to believe them any more. Why should I believe people who do not like me?" When you find yourself thinking about all the things that are wrong with you, stop, and say "No, these are wrong, and here is why. Here is a list of things that are good and sexy about me instead." (Corny as it sounds, keeping a written list of things you like about yourself in your pocket helps.) When you find yourself thinking of all the reasons your partner does not really want you, or all the reasons some other person is better than you, stop yourself and say "No, this is false."
  If you practice the piano every day and then one day start playing the harp instead, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward and unnatural, and you will not feel at first like you are making any progress. Do it anyway. You get good at something by practice. You want to be a confident, secure person? Practice being confident and secure, in your words and in your actions.
  When you do this, even though it feels uncomfortable and even though you do not want to, you will find that your insecurity goes away remarkably quickly. It doesn't actually take very long to become more secure.
  If you want to become secure without ever thinking or doing things that are uncomfortable for you, though, forget it; it will never happen. In order to change your image of yourself, you have to understand that changing the way you act and the way you think is always uncomfortable at first.


1/6/2009 3:54:59 PM
 Sisters
By Desire http://www.angelfire.com/poetry/softs_poetry/sisters.html
“Sisters-in-submission” is a term oft heard, but not explained or experienced. Is it myth or reality? What is this sisterhood of submissives? 
  Just as submissive may have a trainer or mentor; they may have a sister (who may also be their mentor). That sister, or those sisters, may be people known to the submissive in real-life or online. (Smiles…although I consider online to be real life – as some those people whom I met online have an impact in my daily life.)
What is a sister?
  She will be the first to hug you tight when you find him. She will be the one who smiles at you, and tells you how lucky he is to have found you. She will be the first to hold your hand when you find out he wasn’t who he said he was. She will be the one who wipes your tears when he disappears and leaves you to pick up the pieces. She will be the one who whispers, “It will be ok, your heart will mend”.
  She will be the one who tells you like it is, even if it’s not what you want to hear. She becomes a part of your life, your heart, and your world. You can’t imagine how you ever lived without her, and what you will do if the fates ever separate you. She opens doors to rooms you never knew were there. She lights the darkest corners of your world with the sparkle in her eyes. She makes the loneliness go away with the laughter of her voice. She inspires you to go on, to fly on the wings of angels, when you’ve lost all hope. She breaks through all the walls you built, she calms your fears, and she shares your secrets and hers. She is your strength, your hero, and your best friend.
  She is your sister. Not by blood, the bond you share with her is so much stronger. She is your sister of the heart. A term reserved for very few in my life.
  In this lifestyle, the term “sis” gets thrown around by a lot of people. I cringe when someone I barely know, calls me sis. I am not your “sis”, maybe your friend, maybe a fellow submissive, but it is to my sisters, that I pledge my love, my understanding, it is my sisters who I turn to with good news or bad. My sisters who know what is going on in my life and my sisters who turn to me when they just need someone to listen. If I call you sis, you can be sure that when I hug you “online” I am hugging you in real life too.
  If I refer to you as my sis, you are as close to me as my family, in fact, you are part of my family. I have many friends online and in real life - I have few sisters.
  I knew two women, who met online in a chat room. They shared a lot, had so much in common, down to sharing the same first names. They grew so extremely close, and when one of them walked away from a relationship that was not working, she almost walked away from the lifestyle completely. The only person who stood by her, and let her rant and rave, was her online friend. They became so close; they even started to think alike. They would type the same things in the chat room, (honestly, it was not planned, it just kept happening) if one did not show up online during the day, the other one was phoning to make sure she was ok.
  About a year after they met online, one of the women, pregnant and with 2-year-old twins, drove 12 hours to meet the other. They cried when they met. It was like finally finding the piece of them that was missing. And, when she left 5 days later, the woman crawled into bed and cried for hours. That one crying was I. Meeting my sister, was the one and only thing I wanted. No matter how busy she gets, she has been there for me from the beginning to the end. And letting her go, was like losing a part of me. She is truly my – the sister of my heart.
  The sisterhood of submissives implies that there is a network of people out there who support each other, join hands and help each other. There is. This “sisterhood” is made up of many people, from all walks of life – with a single common purpose and trait. They are submissives or slaves. They have a lifestyle in common. Their purpose is to show and offer support to each other.
  In real life situations, you may meet other submissives at the local munch, or BDSM club, or other. (Or like me, you may meet people online who become friends in your “real life”.) And, in time, you may find one or two of these people with whom you can share. Your thoughts, your hopes, your pains. 
  Trust and respect work both ways, and when you find your sister of the heart, hang on to her. Be there for her in good times and bad. And, know that if I call you “sis”, it means you have earned my trust and respect and I will always be there for you.
“Friends by chance - sisters by choice”
P.S. I would also like to acknowledge that some of the “sisters” are male, just as a submissive or slave may be of either sex. However, we don’t often refer to a brotherhood of submissives.

1/5/2009 12:51:31 PM
Welcome to Lessons for Living. http://www.lessons4living.com/wmaz16.htm
This weeks lesson is on, "Self-worth."
  How do you feel about yourself? Is it good or bad? How you feel about yourself is self-esteem. It is your perception of how you are doing in the world. Self-esteem may go up or down depending upon what is happening to you. Get an "A" on a test and you feel great, but if you fail you feel terrible. Self-esteem is changeable.
  Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value.
  A universal spiritual teaching helps us to re-focus on our self-worth and hold on to it. "Love your neighbor as yourself" is the Christian version but the teaching is found in all major religions.
  Now when you love your neighbor as yourself who do you begin with? Who do you love and value first? Is it your neighbor or yourself? As a psychologist I have found that many people misunderstand this teaching. They think it begins with the neighbor. They focus on the neighbor so exclusively that they neglect themselves. They give and give to others until they give out and then collapse into a depression. Once depressed they cannot help themselves or anyone else.
  Many of us were taught to focus on the neighbor and not on ourselves. As children we are told not to brag or be selfish. While teenagers, wanting to be accepted, we may have minimized our accomplishments to avoid appearing conceited. As adults we may have developed a false humility to avoid looking prideful. We may come to not like ourselves and believe that we don’t deserve anything good. Self-esteem suffers while self-worth is forgotten.
  The reality is that loving your neighbor as yourself begins with you. You must love and value yourself if you are to love others. You have to respect yourself and acknowledge your own self-worth. You must take care of yourself so that you can love and help your neighbor.
  Does this make you selfish? No. It makes you responsible.
  Suppose that you are the only adult caring for a group of young children. You raise all your food and only have a small amount. At mealtime, in an effort to take good care of the children, you give them most of the food and you eat very little. Over time you become weaker and weaker, but you keep feeding the children the same amount. Eventually when you are too weak to work, who will feed the children? No one! Now all will perish because you neglected yourself. What should you do? You should eat the same as or perhaps more than the children to keep your strength up and ensure that you can continue to care for them. Don’t neglect others by neglecting yourself. Love yourself and then you can love your neighbor. Don’t lose your self-worth. Each day make sure that you take care of yourself so that you will be able to take care of your neighbor.

1/4/2009 11:46:01 AM

What is abandoholism?
  You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism.
  Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern.
  Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.
What makes someone an abandoholic?
  Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
  Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
  You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.
  Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
  When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.
  Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs. 
  Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."
  Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
  Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.
  Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.
  There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic.
  For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.
  You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
  These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.
  Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.
  Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.
  This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached.
  At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
  If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.
  Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.


1/1/2009 7:58:46 PM

Self-Esteem & BDSM
Author: Raven Shadowborne © Feb. 7, 1999   http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenselfesteem.htm
   The most difficult thing for many people to understand is what self esteem is and how it affects their relationships with others. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what self esteem is. Self esteem, to me, is basically the ability to look at yourself as a good person. The presence or lack of self esteem can effect one's relationships in many ways. 
  When people think of self esteem they tend to think of it in very broad terms and use it to encompass more than I feel it does. Self esteem is basically being able to know you are worthy human being. This does not mean that you think of yourself as always right or as a gift to humanity. A person can have a strong sense of self esteem and still be aware of their faults, whatever they may be. Self esteem does not prevent a person from striving to broaden their horizons or strengthen their weaknesses. I believe that for one to have a strong sense of self esteem one must be able to see their good points as well as their bad ones. One must be able to see themselves as a worthy human being over all. A good sense of self esteem does not rely upon others to make it strong. Nor does it say that one should sit back and not try to improve themselves. 
  Self esteem can and does affect one's relationship with others. A person with a good sense of self esteem, will not usually become co-dependent upon their partner. They will not look to their partner to define their own identity. Their identity will remain seperate, though it will be enhanced by their involvment in any relationship. 
  Within BDSM, a strong sense of self esteem becomes very important. BDSM can become an all encompasing lifestyle that seeps into every aspect of one's life. If a person does not have a strong sense of their own self worth, they could very easily become totally dependent upon their partner for their sense of self worth. This can cause a level of dependency that is destructive to the relationship rather than a healthy part of the relationship. A person with a low self esteem becomes like a clinging vine which can eventually choke the very life from a relationship. As well, a person with a low self esteem is more likely to become involved in an abusive relationship which causes further damage to them. Most who lack self esteem would fall into the doormat category that is heard of so often. This being, a person who lets someone do whatever they want, without any regard for themselves in any fashion at all. Even a slave has some regard for themselves, a door mat does not. A door mat, or person with no self esteem, is easily manipulated and abused whether it be in BDSM or not.
  A person with a strong sense of self esteem, who enters into a BDSM relationship, will be an asset to themselves and thier partner. The relationship will enhance their life and their view of themselves, not be the only source of defining these things. Someone with a strong sense of self esteem will not become so immersed in BDSM that it takes over their life to a point that it is all they can see or relate to. BDSM will enhance their lives, not be their lives. (yes this is rather paradoxical since BDSM can be the basis and a large part of one's life) A person with strong self esteem, is less likely to be taken in by those who are abusive. A person with a strong self esteem, is more capable of making a clear and informed choice to enter into a BDSM relationship. They are more knowledgable of themselves and their needs or wants. They would be less apt to completely set aside those needs or wants just to be in a relationship. 
  Self esteem should be something everyone has by the time they are grown. Unfortunately with life being as it is, not everyone has a strong sense of self esteem. BDSM, believe it or not, can enhance one's self esteem. It can allow a person with a shakey self esteem to gain a solid foundation of pride. In many relationships, the participants are told often they are good, beautiful what have you. Through the communication, trust, and honesty of a BDSM relationship, self esteem can be repaired or strengthened. Some ways to do this are common things done in BDSM relationships, but many don't see their benefits. For example, having a submissive list the things he/she has done right in a day can help shift the submissive's first thoughts from their bad points or things done wrong, to the things they did right. This can promote a healthier view of themselves. As well, this can prevent the common trap of self destruction that many people have by viewing themselves only in a bad light. Other things are setting rules such as the submissive can not speak ill of him/herself can help change a thought process from a negative based one to a more positive based one. 
  Most dominants when asked about self esteem in a submissive, state that they want a submissive who has a sense of self outside of the relationship. They state that such a sense of self allows the submissive to enhance the relationship, not detract from it. The same goes for the dominant.  
  Self esteem is not something that can be gained over night if it is lacking. But it is something which can be gained and should be for the relationship to be a satisfying and healthy one. 


12/31/2008 4:54:24 AM
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/Ems%20Stuff/em_collared.htm
Master's/Mistress' Collar means:

Finding Happiness

On a purely selfish level, wearing Master's collar means having found happiness.  The days of searching for the One who could tame and train, tease and mold are over.  Every submissive i know wants to feel Owned, to be the property of their One true Master.  For me, the click of the collar was freedom.  Freedom to be who i am and have the peace of mind that "i" will  be changed for the better by One who knows me better than i know myself.

Although i was extremely happy when Master decided to make me His, with this happiness came hard work.   i have a responsibility to dedicate myself to making Master's needs my own.  i have a responsibility to conducting myself in a manner which will bring my Master honor.  i have a responsibility to remember who and what i am at all times and act accordingly.  i have a responsibility to put Master's comfort before my own.

Remembering Responsibility

Expecting Accountability With all these new responsibilities comes accountability.   Master has a right to expect, to demand these things and more of His slave, and i should expect that when His expectations are not met there will be consequences.  Not only do i have to accept His authority and the consequences of my actions, but Master also has a responsibility here to that which He Owns.  You can think of it in 2 ways.   i expect (dread, fear, respect) Master's punishment.  -and-  i expect (count on, need, deserve, am promised) Master's punishment.  A Dom plays with and may train subs as He wishes for His enjoyment.  a Master takes on the responsibility of training His slave to His liking.  So, Master's collar means to me that i can expect Master to hold me accountable for my actions.
Along with knowing that master will mold me in His image of 'slave' - i also know that as long as i am Owned by Him, no harm will come to me if it is at all in His power to prevent.  i can relax knowing that He will protect my mental and physical well being.  He will allow none to disrespect me....humiliate and humble, yes.....but to show disrespect for His prized possession, no.  i can be comfortable knowing that Master will not take me beyond what i can handle.  Yes, He will and does challenge my limits and tolerances....pushing away at my fears and insecurities...but i have complete faith that no harm will come to me under His care. Knowing Protection
Learning Patience This is a big one for me.  <smile>   Master's collar means that things don't always happen when i want them to.   Playing, training.....talking, eating, sleeping, working....these things are all contingent on Master's schedule for me.  Sometimes i forget this....but we are working on it.  (and i'm sure you can all relate to what that means...)  heheheh
Master's collar to me means perfecting what i can perfect for Him.  It is not enough that He says i want the floor mopped and i mop it.   The next step is for me to perfect the mopping.....  or the serving.... or the manner in which i speak.... or the running and upkeep of His webpage...  All the myriad of things i do for Him i yearn to perfect.  He may be satisfied with a completed task....but i still yearn to do things better. Practicing Perfection
Perfecting Dedication Master has pledged Himself to the task of training His slave.  That takes dedication.  i have pledged myself to becoming the slave Master desires and deserves.  That takes dedication.  24/7 is hard work.   To be successful you have to be willing to make D/s in the forefront of your mind every hour of every day.  This takes enormous dedication.  No one is perfect.   i am not and Master is not.  But Master's collar means perfecting the dedication to each other and the lifestyle.  Master's collar means Love.


12/30/2008 6:39:38 PM

D/s Lessons I have Learned
By SirMagic 
http://www.darkangel.com/kinks-lesson1.html
 One's submission to another is a gift. Be you man or woman, pleasure slave or masochist the gift same. When a sub submits she is offering up her collective soul to you to take, hold, possess, control and most importantly, cherish. Abstractly speaking, mixed in with this gift is her life force, the raw essence from which heart and soul are derived. All this is being willingly offered up to you of their own freewill. These collective dynamics is what makes the act of collaring so powerfully emotional for many subs. As a Dom. once you accept such a gift it binds you to that person in ways few truly understand and because of this lack of understanding, too many people get hurt.
 Collard subs are NOT trophies !
  When you collar a sub, not only are they making a commitment to you, the Dom. but you (the Dom.) are making a commitment to them as well. You are promising to be the guardian of their heart and soul. The caretaker of their love, devotion and sense of being. You now define their universe, sense of self and the purpose of being. In short you are now responsible for them in ways which are not part of a `vanilla' relationship.
  With the last statement in mind, it begs the question:
"Who is the Master and who then is the slave ?" The answer I venture, is simple: She is my slave, I possess her body, soul, mind, heart and being. Just as she possesses my heart in return. I am Dom., she is sub, she is Dom. I am sub, we are O/one.
  We are forever revolving within that which balances us like "Ying" and "Yang" and makes us whole. "Even though we are Dominant, when we come to love our sub with our truest of heart, whether we want to admit it or not, this is an act of submission. For in that moment we surrendered ourselves to them as surely as she/he has to us."
  This is why "collaring" should be done with the greatest of care. For it opens a door way to the deepest levels of submission, love and the human bonding. Often in our "passion" for a new D/s relationship we sometimes move faster than we should. In the end we run the risk of collaring someone who ultimately is not best suited for us. This mistake, I have made and in the end I hurt the person deeply when it didn't work out. Since this time I have not collared another submissive. For it was this experience which made me rethink the how's and why of how I Dom.
  I firmly believe, "just because someone is a sub doesn't mean they are stupid." I personally like intelligent, competent, capable and submissive women. I get turned on by a sub who has a brain and can use it. If I give my sub a business task to handle, then that's it. I will not micro-manage, all I care about is.. is it done. I don't want to really hear about how she handled it. I trusted her enough to say "here handle this", therefore I'm not going to second guess a subs method of accomplishing the task.. If I have to, then I can't trust her and I wont have a sub I can't trust. If you are my sub, then I require you to work to better yourself, my world and image. If this be the case, then I must respect and honor not only your gift of devotion, intelligence and love but your talents as well. This is where I feel many Dominants fail. A true Dominant shows respect and appreciation for who and what his/her submissive is capable of.
  So many of us who would rule, do so from a tormented soul. Those Dominants who's spirits are ruled by anger and insecurity easily get caught up in Ego based control traps. "I am in control, because I dominate you. Therefore I must be someone, because I am in control. " Once this happens you are well on your way to being a control freak, not a Dom.
  As a Dominant "my power comes from within", not because I have a sub on the end of a leash. Everyday I work to Master myself first. Through this act I can naturally, with NO effort, Master others.
  In D/s we seek to satisfy our hungers, our callings whatever they maybe. We all are driven by them, be them submissive, Dominant or masochistic. Through this venting of our psyche we are meant to grow, love, learn and share.
But even in D/s happiness can be fleeting or just around the corner.
  I have often said:
" Life gives you the test first, and if you survive, then chance to learn the lesson afterward." 
  If this be the case then, this is but just a small part of the..
" D/s Lessons I have learned"... 


12/29/2008 11:08:51 AM
WHY BOYS NEED PARENTS:
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

12/26/2008 6:48:51 PM
More info per a good friend who viewed today's journal.  
"ohhh, as for today's message. You can also use brbpub.com, it has all of the free state and federal information for each state, including criminal etc. If a person is self employed, I can check there, as well as manta.com.
dani" ________________________________________
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/meeting.htm
Ok, a typical scenario is that you have been talking with this person online now for a while.  You have developed a very strong desire to meet them face-to-face.  Who knows, maybe you want to even go farther.

Rule #1.  Listen to that little voice when it warns you that something isn't quite right.

The internet is awash with people who have met people in real life, and something went wrong, went too far, or just was way beyond what they expected or desired.  This results in a lot of emotional agony.

Quite often, the most difficult thing to deal with is the realization that they "knew" it was a bad situation up front.  That little voice keeps telling them "I knew it."

It is much easier to bail out, explain that you were not comfortable, and if you want, continue discussing future possibilities.  That way, the only guilt you have to deal with is what other people force on you.

Rule #2.  Meet in a public place.

I recommend a restaurant as a good place.  The nice thing about meeting in public is that if you decide that you have been sold a bill of goods online, you can walk away.   If the person gets aggressive, you can call for help.

Rule #3.  If travelling out of town to meet someone, have a way home.

It is a well known fact that the internet has brought the world closer together.  People do travel to see folks they have met online.  If you fly, be sure you have a round trip ticket.  Discussion of who pays for it is up to you, but you do want to know you do have a way home.  Keep the return ticket in a safe place.

Make sure you have resources to get by on if you find yourself alone.  You may need extra money if the airline ticket requires an additional fee to change the ticket so you can come home earlier, or you may need to find a hotel and pay cab fare.  Don't forget meals.

Rule #4.  Have a safe call arranged.

Find someone you trust.  Tell them where you are going and who you are meeting.   When you arrive at whatever place you are going to be, call them and tell them you are ok, and that you will call back by a certain time.  Arrange with them beforehand that if they do not hear from you, call the cops or bring help.  Be sure this person takes this responsibility seriously.

While this will not guarantee you are safe, at least the cops will have a good start at trying to locate you.. and the person you are meeting.

Rule #5.  Do some background investigation beforehand.

Ask for references.  Start with e-mail references of people that know them.   You will write to them and simply say that you are planning on meeting this friend and their e-mail address was given as a reference.  Ask them to call you so you can discuss this person.  You definitely want to talk to them over the phone so you can ascertain that it simply isn't someone with multiple e-mail addresses giving their own good reference.

Take the information you know about the person and try to confirm some of it.   Here are some links you might check into.

Sleuth Page => www.neosoft.com/~inflo/sleuth.htm

If you live in Texas and have a valid Texas Driver's license, for $25 a year, check out PublicData.com (www.publicdata.com).  You can get up to 250 searches in their databases.  They have driver's license info, criminal record info, sex offender info, voter registration, and so on.


12/24/2008 10:16:23 AM
MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!!  MAY 2009 BE EVEN BRIGHTER FOR YOU AND YOURS!

12/20/2008 3:10:39 PM
Today's recipe via Yahoo Messenger---Sherry : Peanut Brittle Recipe: microwaveable glass bowl, 1 c sugar, 1/2 c Karo syrup, 1/8 tsp salt, 1.5 c dry roasted peanuts, 1 Tbs margarine, 1 tsp baking soda and 1 tsp vanilla.
MMD: my microwave is toast
Sherry : Mix sugar, syrup and salt together in glass bowl. well damn...
Sherry : i broke the bowl while ago. didnt wait long enough for it to cool off afore i put water in it to clean it out for the next batch.
MMD: awww...live and learn
Sherry : still want the recipe?
Sherry : be the first in your state to make it home made !!!
MMD: sure
Sherry : Mix sugar, syrup and salt together in glass bowl.. Put in working microwave for 5 minutes.
MMD: lol
Sherry : Take out and pour 1.5 cups of dry roasted peanuts, stir up. then stick back in working microwave for 3 minutes.
Sherry : Take out and add 1 Tbs margarine, 1 tsp baking soda and 1 tsp vanilla. Stir quickly and thoroughly and pour onto greased cookie sheet to 1/4 inch. Let cool and break into pieces.
Sherry : Voila~
MMD: it's messy innit?
Sherry : nah
Sherry : coat measuring cup with veggie oil so the syrup will slide out easier.
Sherry : that's about it.
Sherry : i've already eaten a quart size bag of pieces...omg
MMD: :)
Sherry : i'm making some for my kidlets.

12/19/2008 3:15:05 PM

Information on Safer Sex and BDSM
© August & October, 1996, The AIDS Committee of Toronto. http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/safesm2.html
SAFER SM:
Practical Guidelines and Advice on AIDS Prevention within SM play
  If sexually explicit information about sadomasochism (SM) might offend you, this brochure is not for you.
HIV Transmission:
  HIV (the virus that can lead to AIDS) can be avoided. HIV is passed from one person to another when infected:
blood
semen (cum) or
vaginal secretions (cunt juice) goes from one person’s body into another, and then makes its way into your bloodstream.
You don’t have to worry about:
saliva (spit)
perspiration (sweat)
urine (piss) or fæces (shit) on the outside of the body
  Always remember to use common sense. Ensure that first-aid items are readily at hand. By remembering these basics, you can make any kind of sex safer.
SM Risk Reduction
  Most SM activities have always been low-risk for getting HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus). Responsible SM has always been about practising safety.
  Getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), like HIV, can be prevented. But there are other possible dangers with SM. For more information on how to avoid these, read material like the On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM play by Trevor Jacques, et al, Lesbian SM Safety Manual by Pat Califia; SM 101 by Jay Wiseman; or Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Phillip Miller.
  Generalized information on HIV and STDs is available from most Community Health Centres, doctor’s offices/clinics or community AIDS organizations.
SM Etiquette
  Use the etiquette of SM. It’s really just a matter of respecting the person(s) with whom you’re playing. You should agree upon a safety word and what you want to do in a scene before you start the scene. A safety word (or motion) is used by any partner to stop the scene immediately, no questions asked. There is no shame in using the safety word. It’s there for both of you. You should respect it and your partner’s limits and feelings at all times.
  Always consider your partner(s). Discuss interests, pleasures, perceived needs etc. If you are unsure of a certain sexual or SM activity, then hold off until you’re familiar with the safety aspects of it. Find out as much as you can beforehand, so you can make a decision about how and/or when to proceed.
  If you are HIV+, think about how infection with STDs -- or re-infection with HIV -- could affect your immune system. Bow out when necessary. For example, don’t deep throat a sore throat. By being interested in your health and practising safer sex, you are doing a lot to help stop the transmission of HIV and other STDs.
  Always ask before using someone else’s toy. They may not want you to use it, or it may be broken. By practising the guidelines mentioned in this pamphlet, you will be making your contribution to the community of safer SM players.
Lubricants
  Lubricants (lubes) can be lots of fun, whether used for play or insertion. Flavoured brands can be used externally or for oral sex.
If you’re going to insert something into someone, you should only use a water-based unscented brand - like K-Y, Lubafax, Muco, Safer Sex lube, Astroglide, or Wet. Never use oil-based lubes (like Vaseline or Crisco); they weaken latex condoms and gloves, making them more likely to break.
  Also, during a scene, you shouldn’t take lube from a large container. Either buy small portions and throw the packets away afterwards or put enough lube for this play time into something disposable (like a paper cup or plate). Some brands come in pump jars. This makes sure that nobody’s "dirty" hand, penis, or whatever can get into your personal supply of lube.
Your Rectum
  The rectum (ass) is more delicate than most parts of your body and you should take care of it. Sticking things up your rectum - whether it’s a finger, cock, dildo, fist, or anything else - can tear the rectal lining. Even extremely tiny tears can open up the body and be places where HIV can get in.
  Fucking without protection is a high-risk activity, since a penis ejaculates semen (cums). A penis also has a pee hole in the end, which can let viruses in. Always use a latex condom, and use it properly.
  To put on a condom: first make sure the penis is erect. If it’s uncircumcised, pull back the foreskin before putting on the condom.    Squeeze the air out of the tip. If the condom is round- ended and doesn’t have a tip, squeeze the air out and leave 1 cm free at the tip of the penis.
Lubricate the outside of the condom really well with a water-based lube (like K-Y, Muco, Wet, Safer Sex Lube, or Astroglide). Never use oil-based lube (like Crisco or Vaseline); it can damage condoms. Pull out soon after you come, grabbing the base of the penis to make sure the condom doesn’t slip off. To be extra careful, you can start fucking with a condom, and then pull out before you come - you can then cum on the chest, thighs, hand, or whatever.
  If you finger a rectum, be careful not to finger it if you have a cut or sore on your finger or if you have long/sharp nails. You could also use a latex glove when fingering. As for dildos, make sure they’ve been cleaned before they go up your rectum (see the section on cleaning toys).
Douching and Enemas
  If fisting, fucking, or dildos are part of your sexual activity, some people feel it is very important to have a clean ass or vagina. But douching, or using enemas before getting fucked, could leave you more open to infection. They can wash away the surface mucous that’s there to protect you.
Never share your douche bag. Clean your douche bag each time you use it. Also, don’t share the nozzles of metal shower douches. Get a separate nozzle for each friend, label it, and clean it between uses (see the section on cleaning toys). Douching or enemas should not be used after sex because they don’t necessarily wash things away - they can also push infected semen, blood or fæces further into the body. Infections and bacteria douched up into a woman’s uterus and fallopian tubes can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) - which could lead to infertility, or worse.
Your Vagina
  Successful play with your vagina (cunt) depends on paying attention to detail, because a great variation of sensations occurs over very small areas.
  It’s easy to bruise, cut, or tear your vagina, so you should take the same care to protect it whenever anything goes into it. The inner parts of the vagina are mucous membranes, so a good rule is to make sure that your play is less aggressive here. Anything inserted into the vagina should be properly washed and have no sharp edges.
  Your vagina can be damaged in other ways too -- you can: bruise or scrape the cervix, which is located about 10 cm inside the vagina (the exact position varies from woman to woman); tear the skin between the vagina and the rectum; bruise the tissue between the pubic bones; or cut and scrape around the pee hole. All of these can open up your body to HIV - or other STDs - making vaginal intercourse without a condom a high risk activity.
  A good rule of thumb is that too much lubricant is not enough. If you don’t use enough, you may cause tears and rips, or a mechanically induced vaginitis.
  Vaginal play depends on moving slowly to generate fairly symmetrical sensations, and remembering that the border between pleasure and pain here is razor thin. So get to know the size and shape of your partner’s vagina, and remember that it changes shape depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle, and how excited she gets.
Toys
  When you were growing up, your mother probably told you to share your toys. Well, for sex toys, forget it! Anything that goes into a person’s rectum and/or vagina could transmit HIV or other STDs, if it’s shared. Any toy that draws blood can also be a risk.
  If you’re a bottom, the best idea would be to have your own toys and get your top to use them on you. If you’re a top, ask the bottom what toys he or she owns. Or, if having sex with various bottoms, you should assign and mark toys only for them.
  For example, if you spank someone with a sturdy wire brush, you’re going to draw blood. So, tape the bottom’s name onto the back of the brush - maybe even tape the brush to the bottom’s leg - but don’t use it on anyone else. The same applies to dildos, butt plugs, etc.
Cleaning Your Toys
  You’ll need these things to clean your toys:
soap and hot water
one part household bleach to nine parts water
10% hydrogen peroxide solution
  What if you use a toy on someone and you don’t mean to draw blood - but you do? You don’t have to throw away your toy. Wash it in soap and hot water, let it soak for 20 minutes in the bleach solution, rinse it in hot, clean water and then let it dry thoroughly (preferably overnight) before using it again. The same goes for douche nozzles.
  Leather toys are a bit different: To clean a leather toy (like a whip, flogger or leather dildo), first wash the tips or ends with a strong foaming cleaner using a hard bristle brush to get at nooks and crannies in the leather, then spray the tips or ends with hydrogen peroxide, wipe away the excess with paper towels, and let them air dry for at least a few hours (preferably overnight) before using them. Cleaning dries out leather very quickly, so your toy should be treated with an acceptable leather conditioner immediately after it has dried, or it will become brittle and crack.
  It’s a lot easier to clean a dildo after playing if you put a condom on it before you use it. If you are a top, you can probably think of lots of ways to make your bottom put the condom on the dildo.
  It may sound complicated, but it isn’t really; just make sure any toy with semen, blood, or fæces on it, or anything that’s been in someone’s rectum or vagina is cleaned. Make sure you get any bleach or soap off the toy, by flushing it with clean water. Remember, uncleaned toys can transmit STDs - which could affect your whole immune system.
Watersports, etc.
  Both urine and fæces are fine on the outside of the body. Urine in your mouth is a very low-risk activity for getting HIV, but with an infected bladder there is a high risk of catching other STDs. If you take fæces in your mouth, there is also the possibility of catching parasites or other STDs . Never brush your teeth or tongue just before playing, wait at least 3 to 4 hours; and never play when you have cold sores, cankers, or cuts in your mouth.
  If there are any cuts on the outside of the skin, don’t urinate (piss) or defecate (shit) near the cut(s). Remember that a pimple (zit) is also a cut.
Fisting
  Fists are big things. They can create more serious tears in the rectum or vagina than most sexual activities. If you get fisted, you’re going to have to treat your rectum and/or vagina very, very carefully.
  Immediately after you’ve been fisted never let anything else (a penis, dirty dildo, or a finger with semen, fæces, or blood on it) into your rectum or vagina that might be carrying HIV or other STDs.
  If you are going to fist, wear latex gloves. They protect both the top and the bottom. Surgical gloves are the best. They usually go part of the way up the arm and are good for most fistings. If you are going to be fisting deeply, use a calving glove. You can buy them at veterinarian supply stores. Calving gloves can bunch up, though, and the wrinkles can cut the lining of the rectum or vagina. To avoid this, cut the finger and thumb sections off the calving glove to leave the glove covering the palm of your hand, including the base of the thumb. Then put a surgical glove over the calving glove.
  Don’t fist if your fingernails are long. Cut them and smooth them down with an emery board, since they can tear the fisting glove or the bottom’s rectum or vagina. If you have an open wound or hangnails on your hand(s), don’t fist with that hand even with the precaution of gloves.
  Be sure the glove stays well lubed while you’re using it (see the section on lubricants). When pulling out (as with condoms), make sure to grab the open end of the glove so that it doesn’t slip off.
Rimming
  Rimming (licking someone’s rectal opening) is very low risk for becoming infected with HIV, but high risk for the transmission of other STDs (like herpes, anal warts, hepatitis A) as well as parasites. If you want to rim, use a condom cut length wise to form a sheet of latex, or use a latex barrier like a dental dam (which is more difficult to find). Never brush your teeth or tongue just before your sexual play, wait at least 3 or 4 hours.
Rimming can be very enjoyable for your partner but always take precautions to ensure your own safety -- avoid leaving yourself open to STDs.
Piercing, Shaving, etc.
  If you want to have a permanent piercing, make sure the rings or bars are new and sterile. You might be able to find a doctor or nurse to do the piercing in a sterile way. If you can’t, have it done by or learn from a professional piercer. Make sure the bars or rings are properly soaked in bleach and then rinsed in water before they’re inserted. Make sure only new, sterile are used and then only on one person. If a temporary piercing is part of a scene, make sure you use sterile, disposable needles. Us them once -- only once -- on one person. Then dispose of them safely. (See the section on cleaning needles, and disposing needles under Drugs and Alcohol).
  As for branding, heat-branding is safe because of the high temperatures involved (heat kills HIV). Knife-branding should only be done with a knife that’s been soaked in bleach for twenty minutes and then rinsed with water. Better yet, you can use a sterile scalpel with a disposable blade (scalpels can be bought at medical supply stores). Use it once, put it in a strong narrow-necked plastic container, put the lid back on, and throw it in the garbage.
  For piercing, branding, or shaving, any drops of blood should be wiped away with sterile cotton balls. Soak the cotton ball in rubbing alcohol. You can also buy pre-soaked separately wrapped cotton balls called "alcohol preps" or "alcohol rub". After use, put it in a plastic bag, tie up the bag, and put it in the garbage.
  When starting a piercing, branding, or shaving scene, the area of the skin should first be wiped with rubbing alcohol, "alcohol preps" "Hibitane", or "Staphene" to remove and fine dirt trapped by the skin’s oil.
Whipping
If there’s no break in the skin during whipping or flogging, then it’s no problem at all.            Depending on the material that the whip, quirt, or cat-o’-nine-tails is made of and the way it is used, it can draw blood if the skin is broken.
  During a flogging or whipping scene, wipe up the blood the same way as you would for piercing or branding, and always clean your flogger/whips (see the section on cleaning toys).
  When in a more public forum, you should avoid breaking the skin, as blood can be flicked from the flogger/whip during the return of the stroke.
Drugs and Alcohol
  If you’re into SM, you have to keep your wits about you. Mind-altering drugs - like tranquilizers, uppers, or hallucinogens - are not recommended. If you use them, you’ll be more likely to make mistakes. Alcohol can have the same effect. Too much drugs or alcohol can lead to unsafe activities.
  As for "poppers", they make your blood vessels bigger. This may increase your risk of infection with HIV if you’re getting fucked. Poppers are also hard on your heart and immune system.
If you use injection drugs, a very easy way to pass on HIV is by sharing your needles, syringes, or cookers. Use your own works and never share them unless they are properly cleaned in bleach and water.
To clean your needle and syringe properly:
1) Fill the syringe completely with sterile water, shake it, and squirt it out.
2) Fill the syringe with full strength bleach and squirt a little out. Leave the rest in for 30 seconds, then squirt it out.
3) Repeat step 2.
4) Fill the syringe with sterile water, shake it and squirt it out.
5) Repeat step 4 twice more.
( Bleach and sterile water can be obtained from your local needle exchange).
  To dispose of your needle and syringe properly:
  Once a needle or scalpel is used, make sure the cap is put back on and the whole thing is placed in a strong, narrow-necked plastic container (with its lid on) before disposal, so no one handling your garbage gets pricked. You can also use a "sharps" container (see your local needle exchange).
Electricity:
  Electrical equipment (like the "Relax-A-Cisor" machine or "Violet Wand") probably won’t break skin, so there’s not much risk for getting HIV from it. If it does break skin, wipe up any blood with disposable, sterile cotton balls soaked in hydrogen peroxide, and cover the broken skin with a bandage. Since flexible, sticky electrical contacts pick up dirt from the skin, use them on one person only. If you get body fluids on them, throw them away and get new ones. There is no way to clean them.
Only use electric charges below the belly button - you don’t want the charge to affect the heart or the brain’s own electric system.
 About this pamplet:
  We developed this document with the help of experts in the field of education, as well as people experienced in safe, sane, and consensual BDSM. For maximum effect, we have used frank language specifically aimed at the target audience; not to shock but to speak to them in their own words.
Educational research indicates that this direct, non-judgemental presentation, using slang equivalents of the correct terms, ensures effective use of pamplets like this. In the printed version of this document, we have also used photographs and design to help maintain the reader's interest throughout the text.
  For copies of the illustrated, four-colour version of this document, please contact the AIDS Committee of Toronto (address below) or send an e-mail message to SaferSM@SaferSM.org.
  The development and printing of this pamphlet was funded exclusively by the SM community within Metro Toronto.
If you have found this document useful, please consider making a donation to the Safer SM Education project (mention the project by name when you send your donation to The AIDS Committee of Toronto). This helps us keep the education going.
Thank you to these supporters:
Alternate Sources,
The Barracks,
Northbound Leather,
POWERarts,
The National Leather Association - Toronto,
Spearhead Toronto,
Dan Bowers,
Michael Hamilton,
Trevor Jacques,
Dr. Dale McCarthy,
Rachael Melzack,
Dennis O’Connor,
Sniffer,
David Stein, and the many generous donations made at the AIDS Committee SM101 seminars. Special thanks to John Maxwell at A.C.T. The AIDS Committee of Toronto Safer SM Education Project
399 Church Street, 4th. floor, Toronto, Ontario M5B 2J6
Office:    416-340-2437
Hotline:   416-340-8844
TTY/TDD:   416-340-8122
Facsimile: 416-340-8224
E-Mail:  SaferSM@SaferSM.org
URL:     http://SaferSM.org/SaferSM.html


12/18/2008 3:36:53 PM
I just want to thank everyone for the educational emails over the past year...
 

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
 
 
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
 

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces..
 
 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
 
 

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
 
 

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .
 
 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
 
 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
 
 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
 
 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
 
 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
 
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

12/17/2008 6:01:19 PM

Suggestions for Living D/s with Kids in the House
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/Ems%20Stuff/em_kidtips.htm
  Come up with alternatives for "Master" and "slave" such as "my Love" and  "_____"<---- insert given slave name here.
  Get yourself a locking chest, or a good lock with only 1 key for a closet.
  Buy innocent but pervertable furniture:  iron canopy bed, padded-top chest for the foot of the bed and a hanging chair for the bedroom (which can be replaced with a more wicked chair kept locked away- just a good excuse for the heavy hook in the ceiling).
  mommy always serves Daddy His dinner first.
  mommy loves the pretty choker chain Daddy bought her so much, she wears it every day.
  Come up with a phrase Master uses when His slave messes up......like "you know I love you, don't you?"  or "I'm going to sleep good tonight"  -- anything really......just something that shows slave that Master just caught her and punishment is forthcoming.  <grin>
  Perfect training to hand gestures.
  As young as possible, get your child used to going to bed on a schedule.   Our daughter goes to bed at 9:00 every night.  After that....mama and Daddy play.
  Make sure that Daddy is used to tucking them in and fetching glasses of water and doing the comforting "go back to sleep" thing......because at some point you will be interrupted and mama will be in no shape to go take care of it.
  If you can afford it, soundproof the playroom and get a good baby monitor.


12/14/2008 9:17:17 AM

Progression of a D/s Relationship http://www.submissiveloving.com/progression.html
  You've decided that this type of lifestyle is for you, and you're interested in pursuing a relationship with a Master or a submissive. You think you are prepared for everything that you will encounter in the Mastery lifestyle, but have you thought about the actual future? Have you considered how the relationship will progress? How things will change as time goes on? Are you really prepared for the commitment you are about to make? I'll take you through a general relationship's lifespan, and allow you to see what is to be expected over time. This is meant as a general itinerary, nothing more. Each Master is different, and will have different plans for the training of his slave. Some will follow a close path to the below, while others will differentiate from it greatly.
Acceptance
The first actual emotion you will encounter and overcome is the fact you are Dominant, or submissive in nature. Some of you will have mixed emotions, of being both Dominant and submissive, which we in the scene call "switches". First of all, you must accept these desires as being worthwhile of investigating. Once you accept the feelings you have, you can then go ahead and either try the lifestyle in the role you seek, or seek your own identity as a Master or one who kneels at the Master's feet.
Finding and Meeting
More than likely, you will find somebody on the Internet to talk with regarding your feelings. You will also use all the resources at your disposal to educate yourself regarding the Mastery and BDSM lifestyles, and will attempt to seek out others that have the same desires as you do. As time passes, you will see that this lifestyle intrigues you more and more, and the fear you have of actually entering into this lifestyle will lessen enough over time to actually introduce yourself to this way of life.
  Each one of us has had to take that initial step into the lifestyle, to overcome the fear and terror we have felt for a length of time, and to find out if this is truly what we sought in our lives. Some people experiment with it, and find this lifestyle is not what they thought or desired; while many others embraced what they have found with open arms. Only you will know when the time is right to go past the point of turning back, and to see if the dreams you have had are equalled to what you will find in this new world.
  In time, you will find somebody that has the qualities you are searching for. If you have Dominant traits, you will find somebody that has submissive desires, and/or vice-versa. There is no telling where you might meet this person, however the two biggest methods would most likely be over the Internet through a newsgroup or chat group, or in person at a semi-public or private munch (gathering of practitioners of the BDSM and Mastery lifestyles). No matter where, you will learn that many others have the same desires as you, and will happily help you in your search for your own identity.
  Through one of the available mediums, you will find that significant other that you are searching for; and the two of you will eventually decide to meet. During your meeting, this is the time to talk about each other's desires and wants, along with experiences and safety measures each knows of. If you find yourself compatible with this Dominant/submissive, and are comfortable with them in all ways, then you can progress to discuss either partaking in a scene together, or possibly establishing a relationship with one another. Ideas and limits are important things to discuss, along with all safety measures (such as use of safewords and actions, proper tying techniques, avenues for immediate release from bondage, etc.) that will be taken.
The Initial Commitment of a Relationship
Whether you have previously scened together or not, the majority of people in this lifestyle seek some form of commitment to the person that they are involved with. There are many levels of commitment, and what each person wants should be thoroughly discussed up front. Lack of communication is a major problem in all types of relationships, and if your able to be open with your Master/sub, you will find that many potential problems can be dealt with before they have a chance to happen.
  Through your talks, you have established limits to both the Master and the slave; and have come upon an agreement as to what manner and to what extent control will be given to the Master. The two of you will have discussed the progression of the relationship over time, and what is to be expected of both the Master and the slave.
  It should be stated here that the bond will always continue to grow, and that love (if it is felt) will continue to magnify as well. Both emotions may be felt from the onset of meeting one another, however the depth of it simply becomes amazing. In no other type of relationship is trust so important, for once you allow somebody to restrain you from escape, you are totally at their mercy. Make sure you know the person who is taking away your ability to protect yourself.
Short-Term Aspects of the Lifestyle
The first priority of the Master is to "break-down" his submissive. By this, I mean getting the slave to drop old habits, and to adopt new ones through the Master's teachings. There are many things brought to the relationship that the Master will cherish, but there may be just as many things that he will not care for as well. Each Master molds his slave into his ideal image of how she shall serve him.
  I've had slaves come to me, with years of experience, that have been calling their previous Master "Sir" or "Lord" for years. If that is what the Master wanted, the slave has learned to adapt to that. The problem arises from the fact that I am unlike any other Master, just as each is different from the next. My slaves call me "Master", for that is what I personally prefer. Problems arise from the fact she has learned (some call it conditioned) to address her Dominant in a different way. A fake "master" will conitnually punish his slave for each infraction, whereas a real Master will understand that through time and patience, and gentle (but firm) instruction, the slave will easily adapt to her new surroundings. In essence, it will take that slave a period of time to "re-learn" the proper method of address that suits me; as well as all the lessons that I teach her so she may serve me in the way that pleases me.
  It just takes time to learn both what the Master wants and expects, and what the submissive is capable of. The first few weeks/months is basically a "getting-to-know" stage in the relationship. No slave can come into a new relationship and completely please her Master from the start, and the experienced Dominant knows this. The Master knows how to guide and teach his slave, with patience and a constant eye, not allowing her to backslide in her training. The submissive learns proper mannerisms and positions, she learns what is expected of her daily, and she concentrates on allowing the control she has given to him.
  Some Masters and subs, for whatever reason, may decide to only scene together once or for a short term. The bond never increases to the point of where people living LTR's (long-term relationships) together get to feel. However, if your interests are based on the physical relationship and not the emotional attachment, then perhaps you should shy away from entering into a relationship where the other person is looking for a bonding experience with you...which usually happens with most LTRs to some extent.
Long-Term Aspects of the Lifestyle
The main thing both Masters and slaves have never expected in a lengthy relationship is the fact that even hard limits soften over time. The cause of this is simple...the bond and trust that has accumulated over time between both people. After scening together, and knowing in your heart that the other person cares for you regardless of your desires, it becomes easier to loosen restrictions that you had previously placed on yourself. Once you know you can completely trust your partner with your life, you may find yourself willing to go into some activities or increased endurance levels that you never thought possible.
  It is safe to assume that over time, and with a continuing relationship, the Master and the slave will find that the bond has strengthened enough to where they may be able to try new things. Both will look back to the past, and be amazed both at the natural transition of their abilities, and with the endurance each is able to bring into their play. Time is what is most needed to be able to bring the relationship to the level that both people desire.
  There is one very dangerous aspect to a LTR. It is called "falling into a routine". While not dangerous from a physical sense, it is very dangerous to the submissive's mental well-being over time. All Masters realize that what makes a slave feel complete is in her submission to the Master. It is very important for the Master to construct a measure of control over his slave on a daily basis. This is especially true in those relationships where micro-management is practiced. A submissive that does not feel owned or controlled does not feel wanted and complete in her being, and will become both restless and self- destructive. If your an experienced Master, and after a long period of time your slave starts a pattern of getting into trouble or acting out, it could be that she is becoming restless of the never-changing routine she is encountering.
  It's ok to give a routine to your submissive that makes things required of her on a on-going schedule. The problem comes when the Master does not initiate new avenues for the slave to explore, or give her opporunitites to both learn ways to be a better slave, and to allow her to expand her mind. If the Master accepts his sub for a LTR, he takes on the responsibility of keeping her just as interested five years down the road, as she is at the start of the relationship. This is much harder than it sounds. Imagine being responsible both for yourself and another person, and then having to figure out new and creative ways to both exert your control over her and to allow her to be more submissive to you. Sounds easy? Try doing it daily for YEARS.
  It can be a very rough assignment for even the most hardened Masters. However, it is a challenge that most Masters would like to accept, and usually are able to accomplish to a satisfactory result. The slave's main duty is to please her Master, in whatever way she can. The Master's main duty is to be responsible for the on-going training and use of his slave, so she may feel whole herself. When the Relationship is Over
Just as in any "vanilla" relationship, a large percentage of those created in the Mastery lifestyle will end. There are too many reasons why a relationship may end to list them all, so I'll attempt to go over the emotional "fallout" that happens at the end of this type of commitment.
  When the slave asks to be "released" (let out of her commitment), or the Master releases his submissive, the relationship is over. Unless the submissive is in a captive role in her submission, she can walk away regardless of her Master's wishes. The vast majority of Masters and submissives have no desire to be in a relationship where the other is not consensually happy, and the commitment is therefore allowed to end.
  It is a sometimes a very traumatic time for the slave during this period of being un-owned. Like a regular relationship, it has taken a period of time to develop a bond of trust and/or love for your Master, and to suddenly be released can be a major shock. You have depended on another to make your decisions for you, to love you the way you are, and to take care of all of your needs. Suddenly you find yourself alone. Unfortunately, this does happen in this lifestyle, and there is but one cure for the depression you now feel...time. Time may not heal all wounds, but it will allow you to find the strength to move on with life.
  It is a very hard step to lose your Master, then later have to re-submit to another. However, you will find that this lifestyle is what makes you happy, and you'll know in your heart when it is time to come back. Just like any other lifestyle, it can be very dangerous to be pulled into the "rebound" effect, and immediately search out a new Master to care for you. Make sure not to fall in this mode of survival, for you will find that you may get into a situation you never counted on, and could have avoided had you had your wits about you.
Finally...
  This type of lifestyle offers both advantages and disadvantages over the conventional type of relationship that society practices. If you find that this way of life is for you, as long as you use your head and be smart about the choices you are given, you will find this to be a very rewarding way to live. Relationships are the same in all facets of society, and they are only worth what you make of them.


12/13/2008 9:07:17 AM

A few tips for online to real life  http://www.bdsm-education.com/online.htm
  Beware of predators.  In general they are looking for the vulnerable, for them to brutally abuse, injure, and maybe even exploit or rob, and the biggie--turn them into a sex slave or the quick affair.
  Be aware that Long distance relationships rarely work.  Online, phone calls and seeing each other a few times a year is not really going to cause the relationship to grow.  It takes hands on face to face for a relationship to grow.  Long distance relationships seem to end up as non committed affairs without much responsibility.  Long distance relationships also tend to attract people that have commitment issues.  To quote Philip Miller, co-author of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when talking about long distance relationships "I have learned two things from them. First, the endurance of a long distance relationship is proportionate to the patience of the lovers multiplied by the depth of their pockets, divided by the distance between their abodes.  Secondly, nobody has that deep a pocket nor that much patience."  For more on long distance relationships and those thinking about moving to be with someone.
  If a person has been involved with BDSM in real life for any length of time, they will know about local BDSM organizations, a title of BDSM books, play spaces, munches and places to purchase BDSM toys/attire/books.
  Real life is NOTHING like online.  Real life is much more rewarding.  In real life the person doesn’t go away when you walk away from your computer.
  Do not rush meeting face to face, spend time talking, online, on the phone, web cam interactions, it may take weeks even months for both of you to feel comfortable.  If either is pushing to meet right away the first time you talk this might be a sign of moving too fast.
  Lots of people never give out their real identity.  It is very common to have a name/nickname for the BDSM community and one for the rest of your life.  Some even have a separate phone number and address for BDSM community and another for the other part of their life.  Remember in this day and age it is common for people to only have a cell phone and not have a phone at home.  It is a very real threat to be outted and have your life ruined.  Don’t let someone guilt you into giving this information, especially when they try to manipulate this information from you claiming “everything I have learned about safe calls says you must give me this information otherwise you are hiding something.”  Asking for personal information like Drivers License Number, Social Security Number, credit card numbers, etc., should send up a red flag that this person might be trying to collect information for unlawful purposes.  If someone sends you (mail, e-mail or fax) a copy of such, it might not even be real.  They could be providing you with someone else's identification, have altered their own information or simply are an imposter.
  Prevent Identity theft--Never give anyone your Social Security number, Drivers License Number, Credit card numbers, PIN numbers, passwords, etc.  For more information contact the Federal Trade Commission.
  References are they worth anything?  For the most part no.  Why?  Would the person you are asking for references give you someone to check with that would say they were someone not to be trusted? or didn't know a whip from artichoke?  No, they would be giving you a name of someone they have already gotten permission from (privacy) to back them up.  What if they are well known?  That really doesn't mean anything one way or the other (maybe they are good with self PR or some people like them or some people dislike them).  It's an individual thing when it comes to respecting someone.  Just because someone doesn't like another they may say unfavorable things about someone that does know their stuff and is a safe player.  You really need to make your own judgments and not rely on others perceptions.  It is easy to have an opinion about someone.  It is really easy to spread an opinion around (good or bad).  What one believes is the truth can become blurred very rapidly.  Someone jealous or hurt can say something just because they now dislike the person.  Remember that what you are hearing is just one persons perspective and prejudice.  Try listening to the person when they talk to you or others, do they sound like they know what they are talking about?  Does it match your expectations or wants about BDSM?  If the opportunity comes along at a play party, watch them play.  Does the person they are playing with look like they are enjoying themselves?  Do they look like they know how to use the toys?  Trust you instincts they've worked for you so far in your life.
  Meeting for the first time is probably best at a
munch, restaurant, other public place or BDSM function.  Similar to how you would meet someone not into BDSM.  Since this is pretty low risk and only if you felt the need, would I suggest a minimal safe call.  Safe call-Where you set up ahead of time with a person that you will call and check in when you arrive and when you are in your car (or departing) on the way back home.  Follow up with the person you met to let them know you have arrive home safely. 
  Playing for the first time alone (not at a BDSM dungeon—if at a BDSM function I’d set up safe calls just like meeting for the first time) you might want a more detailed safe call. 


12/12/2008 10:35:47 AM
Wisdom from Tamar Kay http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/tamar.html
Coming Out and Getting In
  For some it's no big deal to attend that first group meeting of "alternative" or "kinky" people. For others it's more than a bit terrifying. If it's a hard step, it's also a brave one. Standing up for yourself in a world that often doesn't understand or approve isn't easy. But if you're here at RCDC, you should be proud of that step. So now you're probably wondering: what next?
  Maybe you'd like to make some friends, get some hands-on education, or maybe even find a partner. Maybe you've heard rumors about other get-togethers. Private ones. Maybe you get the feeling that you're sort of on the outside looking in. How do you get in? What's the password?
  Groups that support alternative and BDSM interests vary a lot. Some, like RCDC, very enthusiastically welcome newcomers. Others are harder to locate. Some groups are formal, some not. While most people in the BDSM community are warm and friendly, they are also understandably cautious about newcomers. People in the community may be hesitant to open up and trust you until they know you better.
  And that's a good thing, really, though it might not seem that way to you when you're new. It's that very caution that protects you as you become a more trusted member of the community. So how do you start the process of becoming better known and more trusted?
Here are some recommendations.
  Always be courteous. It doesn't matter what your kink or orientation is, you should always be polite and thoughtful. Don't pressure, don't push, and be responsible for your words and actions.
  Keep the identities of those you meet at meetings confidential. This means that you should be circumspect about saying where you know them from, and even careful about using their name since many people use alternate names. Not everyone is out to the world to the same degree. Some people have jobs and families to protect, while others are happy to have their photos in the paper along with a description of their kink. If you don't know, don't risk it.
  Get involved. Show up at events every chance you get. Volunteer to help out whenever you can. We're always short- handed, and volunteering is a good way to learn how things work and get to know people.
Learn the community culture. This includes various sets of traditions and expectations that are somewhat unique to the BDSM community. There are a number of ways to get this information. Take classes, attend educational seminars, go to as many meetings as you can. Read books. Ask for references and you'll get them.
  Be patient. Don't expect people to give you what you want. Instead, try to find out what you can offer others, what you can offer your group and the community. Remember that good trust can take time to earn.
  And when you have questions, ask. Ask more than once, get different opinions, and think about them. Remember that everyone had a day when they were the newcomer. Everyone had to once walk through a door for the first time.
And everyone should be proud.
Welcome to the community.

12/11/2008 8:08:25 AM
101 ideas to make Your slave feel Owned (i.e. loved)
http://www.dallasbdsm.com/Ems%20Stuff/em_101.htm
One of the main factors, for me in feeling truly Owned is to be constantly reminded throughout the day of Master's control.  These reminders can be subtle or really obtrusive (heheheh).  The more often a slave is reminded of her submission, the deeper it becomes....and the more fulfilling.  So here are some ideas You might want to try...  And no matter what rules You decide to make Your own, please....be consistent.  If You are unwilling to take the time to enforce the rules You make, then there may as well be no rules at all.  There is nothing in the world that will make a slave feel less loved than to have a Master/Mistress who ignores her transgressions and does not exert Their Dominance.
  Have her wear slave bells.  The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of her submission.
  When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish....and make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.
  Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.
  A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous.  Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.
  Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.
  Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.
  Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.
  Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.
  Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her display herself whenever You come into the room.....legs spread, shirt unbuttoned.  No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed.
  When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has an alternative title for You besides Master.....such as "my Love" etc.
  Use her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it....interrupting whatever she was doing.
  Chose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.
  Have her crawl to bed each night.
  Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go out of town.  ~grin~
  Choose her clothing each day.
  Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before....laid out, ironed etc.
  After punishment, have her kiss Your boots and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.
  Have her bring a warm towel and wash and massage Your feet each day after work.
  Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).
  Get her pierced   (or preferably if You are trained, do it Yourself).
  Get her branded.
  Respect, but push her limits.
  Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of.  *grin*  This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and also makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.
  Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.
  Reward her by allowing her to please You sexually.
  Supervise her workout routine.
  Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with her Master, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank her Master for the privilege.
  Have her polish Your boots weekly, on her knees at Your feet.
  Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.
  Give her a writing assignment: "The definition of Pain - 1000 words"
  Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.
  Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.
  Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do....even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.
  When appropriate, she is to speak when spoken to.
  Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.
  On occasion, share her.
  When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.
  Have her keep her body clean shaven at all times. 
  Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.
  Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.
  For transgressions: have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step.  (This is harder to do that You might think....)
  Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare.....
  Give her reading assignments.
  Test her on the reading assignments, to make sure she learned the appropriate lessons from each.
  Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed.
  Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.
  Reward her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.
  Call her Your slut, Your pet, etc.
  Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.
  Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.
  Sometimes, pamper her.....wash her body and hair, having her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.
  Hand feed her like a small child on occasion.
  Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion.
  For transgressions:   make her wear a sign to the next public function naming her crime.  (ouch)
  Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.
  Instruct her that she is never to touch Your body without permission.
  Have her write a meditation about her submission, devotion and trust in You....to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.
  Some days allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).
  For transgressions: deny her play.  No pain for you, bad girl....hehehe.
  In the same ilk, For transgressions: deny her orgasm.....give her sex, but she can't cum. 
  For transgressions:   Command that she is to be silent for a week.  She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.
  Treat her like a pet in front of friends, making her present herself, turn herself, etc.
  Giver her a writing assignment: "The definition of Obedience - 1000 words"
  Have her wear a toe ring.
  Tell her one morning that she must cum for You 15 times that day, and then write about the day.
  Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner.
  On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings.
  Spend time training her how to move gracefully to please You.
  For transgressions: stand her in the corner like a 3 year old.
  Always flog her after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory.  A well flogged slave is a happy slave.
  Speak about her as if she were not present.
  For transgressions:   deny her any D/s at all for a week.....letting her do just as she pleases, not allowing her to serve You in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc.  This will shame her and certainly make her strive to please You when it is over and she is in her place again.
  Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your prized possession.
  Pet her often.
  Make her be webMistress for Your huge site, DallasBDSM.  hehehehe
  Whenever possible (i.e. no young-uns about), have her sleep in a cage.
  Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.
Teach her things....expand her knowledge.....in a patient Fatherly/Motherly way.
  When You are away, call her and have her masturbate for You.
  If You choose to play with others, make sure Your slave knows who is first in Your heart.....and that some things are just for her.
  Remember her birthday.
  Lead her with a loving fist in her hair.
  Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day.....and make sure it is done by day's end.
  Teach her patience.
  Videotape Your sessions and watch them together.
  On long trips, have her wear double dildo latex underwear.
  Hand feed her chocolate.
  Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled.  Inspect them periodically.
  Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book....let her slip for a while...thinking You are not noticing.....then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.
  Tickle her just because You can.
  Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure.....when she moves or makes a sound punish her then return to the pleasure.
  Keep her locked in her collar when You are home.  You place it on her.....having her kneel.  Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.
  When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.
  Buy her a Polaroid camera and give her assignments to take pictures of herself for You in certain outfits or positions, etc.
  Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.
  Don't be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well.
  Take her and the dog to the park, both on leashes.
    Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries. 
  Have her fall asleep with Your cock/nipple in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake. 
  Occasionally, fulfill her fantasy. 
  Master's/Mistress' word is the last word. 
Addendum
  Make sure that she is safe at all times....when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability).  Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.
  Be consistent.
  Take the time to talk to her.....learn her fears, her dreams and fantasies.  Use Your knowledge.
  When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex.  Shave her Yourself when You return.
  Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.
  If You are willing to correct her each time she forgets until it is a habit, have her refer to herself as "this slave" or "this girl"  etc.

12/10/2008 1:35:31 PM

Domination
Author: Nala
http://www.leathernroses.com/domination/naladomination.htm
Dominance, what is it really? What makes you Dominant? Looking from the outside at a BDSM-relationship, it seems like you’re Dominant when you decide what your sub is going to eat for dinner, what clothes he/she wears, what he/she does during the day or night. You’re not asking any questions, you give instructions, for you are Dominant, and so you are the one in charge.
  Looking at your relationship that way is quite shortsighted. You will never become really close to one another acting like that. Sure, you’ll have a clear differ in power, but is it really what you’re looking for? The power of a Dominant is just the cover, the packing. It can be a very important ingredient of your relationship, but at itself it won’t give you enough carrying capacity for your relationship. 
   I can hear your thoughts: yeah sure, take a hike! But let me explain what I mean with those words. Imagine: you see a slim woman wearing a super tight, sexy latex dress. Put that same super tight, sexy latex dress on a woman weighting over 200 pounds. What makes the look? You still see the outside, which is the super tight, sexy latex dress, but the contents make you look twice or the other way.
  Keep this image in mind and let’s go back to Domination. The instructions you as a Dominant give, the rigour; it’s all outside, comparative to the super tight, sexy latex dress. But it’s the content that really matters; what makes you look twice or the other way. The packing itself is nothing more than a bit of rubber containing much air.
Dominance in a BDSM-relationship goes a lot further than the packing. Giving self-centred instructions is called arrogance, not Dominance. It will make your sub react like: Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? We shall see whether I’ll do it or not! I guess that’s not the reaction you’d love to see. Maybe your sub will do as you say, just because he/she want it him/herself, or he/she just wants to obey. But it won’t last forever, because the reason why your sub responds has nothing to do with you.
  Your relationship will get more intense when you really are interested in your partner; when you find out what your partner thinks, feels, wants, not wants or not (yet) able to try. Get to know your partner to the bone, so that you can see and know what he/she feels even with your eyes closed. If you are able to tell and feel what your sub wants, you can start to play with this information. Your sub gives you a package filled with information, from which you pick whatever you like at that moment to play with. The way you play is comparable to the super tight, sexy latex dress I mentioned before. But what you do settles your Dominance. Your sub will feel respected, your interest; it will strengthen the trust he/she got in you.
  With the information you gathered this way, you can play; you can manipulate him/her, push his/her limits or let him/her step over them. That’s different from commanding or ordering, though it might look the same from the outside. Okay, it’s intense, it requires attentiveness, flexibility and a very good communication, but it’ll pay you back. BDSM like this is an advanced way of being interested in each other, get to know each other at every level, even the deeper, to play with one another.
  Believe me, this isn’t a One-Way street. You will get to know your sub, but he/she will get to know you as well. This makes your sub able to try to influence you, challenge you until you are dancing together, tasting the field of power exchange, visualising it all. That’s what lifts up Dominance from the packing look of instructing and commands.
  Manipulation and mind playing is best done by heart. That’s the power of a good Dominant. I dislike the word experienced, for it’s a worthless word. Experience has nothing to do with quality. You can do something by heart, without experience, that will never be matched again. (Even Dominants can surrender, although they do it in a different way subs do.)
  Another comparison: Imagine a nice piece of wood. You need some technical knowledge to shape it without damaging it, make it worthless. But technical knowledge isn’t all there is. Technical knowledge on its own will leave you with a cut piece of wood, nothing more. Imagine piece of wood, shaped by heart, with a little technical knowledge, enough to know how to handle a knife without hurting yourself, you can get a nice piece of art. It shows you worked at it by heart. Of course you will get experienced after a while, which enables you to get the best from a maimed, bent piece of wood. But it will be made by love, not by technical knowledge.


12/9/2008 3:02:52 PM
Chapter 4 - Reward and Punishment
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/begguide.shtml
This point is where many D/s relationships fall to pieces. Overpunishment for minor infractions, non-acknowledged good deeds, and ignoring blatant wrong action cause the affinity in the relationship to break down. The roles of both Dom and sub are fairly rigid; the duties of both well understood. When a Dom doesn't punish major infractions, or ignores correct action by his sub, the agreements made at the beginning of the relationship are broken. It is here that a Dom shows his true colors. The Dom should be in control not only of his sub, but himself as well.
  At the beginning of a D/s relationship, the Dom and sub may agree on a long list of correct and incorrect actions, but if the Dom does not remember them, the sub is "getting over" on the Dom, and in the process, losing respect for the Dom's power. It would be better to have only a few rules at the start, then as time progresses, expand them as the relationship grows.
  Overcorrecting is also poor. If the Dom is cruel or vicious, the sub will only do what is required out of fear of punishment. Over time, the sub will have no desire to please the Dom, and the Dom will suddenly realize they have no real control over the sub.
  Punishment is a tool to correct wrong or no action by the sub. It should never be done in anger! This is a very important point. When you punish in anger, real injury can occur, safewords are nullified, and limits do not exist. This is a very dangerous situation. The Dom who punishes in anger is moving into the area of abuse. In D/s, the Dom cares about the feelings of the sub. It is very difficult to have empathy when you are angry. Pain is not the end all and be all of a D/s relationship. It is just one more tool at the disposal of the Dom to guarantee the rules are complied with.
  Punishment does not even have to include pain. Movement restrictive bondage, humiliation, harsh words, or even a look can punish the sub. Privileges can be removed such as not being allowed to sit on the furniture, or by the Dom forcing the sub to sleep at the foot of the bed. There are many ways to punish incorrect actions. Save the severe stuff for major infractions. If you beat a dog every day, all you get is an angry, uncontrollable dog. The same goes for a sub, and an angry sub is much more hazardous than an angry dog. Punishment is always followed by reward when the sub corrects the infraction. The sub must be allowed to make up the damage, and then it is forgiven.
  Rewards show the sub that the Dom is pleased. It is a tangible show of love and caring from the Dom to the sub for a correct action. This is the true power of the Dom. The reward can be a kiss, a caress, flowers, a short note, or even a long, tender session of lovemaking. Rewards given to the sub shows that the Dom is thinking of them, and cares for their well being. It acknowledges their proper behavior and reinforces it. This is how the Dom creates in the sub the willingness to please him. A happy sub will do anything to ensure the happiness of the Dom, and will avoid actions that disappoint.

12/8/2008 3:59:02 PM

The Process Of Selection
Article 9 of 12 Author: Master Eso © 2004 
http://www.leathernroses.com/eso/esoselection.htm
  There is a general nostalgic and romantic conception amongst Masters and slaves. It is the conception of Masters going to a slave market, and select a slave, or bid for a slave on auction, after briefly inspecting them. The selection of slaves here is made almost purely on physical aspects and appearance.
  While this might be an ancient tradition, nostalgic and even romantic, it is a great misconception in modern day consensual slavery. A misconception so big that it leaves many slaves, Masterless as a result.
  It is indeed the slave who first goes through the selection progress, of carefully selecting a suitable Master for her.
  Yes, I know, this sounds absurd and upside down, but this is the way it has to be.
  The process of selection is not unlike finding employment. The employee (slave) first matches her basic skills, capabilities, and experience with those required by an employer (Master). Once a suitable employer (Master) has been located, the employee (slave) now proceeds in applying (slave petition) for the employment. After an application (slave petition) has been received by an employer (Master), the employer (Master) now proceeds to select the most suitable applicants (slaves), for an interview, and eventually hires (collars) those, that match the employers (Master) requirements, needs and wants.
  As unromantically as it sounds, the slave is initially the only one who can properly judge if she can meet, fulfill and serve a Masters requirements, needs and wants, and match it against her own desires.
  Think about it realistically. With all the demands, requirements and expectations a Master has on a slave within an Absolute Slavery, APE or TPE commitment, it is imperative that a slave initially ensures herself that she can meet what is asked of her, without even being influenced by a Master in any way or form.
  No Master, no matter how experienced or God-like can initially make the needed judgments better then the slave herself.
  Once a Master has been located who service requirements match the desires and capabilities of the aspiring slave, she must now start the most important task, to examine the potential Masters values, principles, standards, morals, ethics and beliefs and contemplate in all seriousness if she truly can serve the Master, absolutely and unconditional.
  The importance of the examination of character and values of a potential Master cannot be overstated, as a slaves live, health and wellbeing, might very well depend upon it.
  A slave needs to be aware that in Absolute Slavery, or Absolute and Total Power Exchange, the Master has the right to change, alter, or modify his service requirements and expectations, at any time, for any reason, and at the Masters sole discretion.
  A Masters values, character, principles, perceptions, etc. are therefore a must important consideration, as they do not change as easily as service requirements or kink.
  Here are a few steps that might help the slaves in their process of selection:
Be aware of your own desires, needs and dreams and write them down.
Make a list of characteristics, values, principles and conditions that you consider most important in a Master.
Make a list of characteristics and conditions that you consider undesirable in a Master.
Write down possible scenarios of a Master slave commitment, that would be acceptable or desirable to you.
Be aware and write down what you have or can offer a Master.
Take the most important points from the previous lists, and write them together as a summary.
  The summary should now honestly reflect exactly who you are, what your desires, needs and dreams are, and what kind of commitment and Master you are looking for.
  Now go and find a Master that matches with your needs and desires, and once you found such Master, do not hesitate for one moment, to petition for service to the Master, and hope that the Master now in turn will chose to get to know you and ultimately will select you as his slave from the petitions he receives.
  Don't be afraid of rejection. It is not only a process of selection, but also a process of elimination. If a Master chooses not to accept you as his slave, it might indeed be a good thing. A Master too, does know what he needs and desires. And if it doesn't fit for the Master or the slave, there is little point of trying to force it.


12/7/2008 8:04:14 AM

The Younger Side
By Traci Duncan 
http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/theyoungerside.htm
  BDSM is an ever growing society. Even today, there are some well established groups that publically hold conventions and gatherings for others with the same interests. But there are even more out there that are part of the "younger generation." These young people, including myself, have been drawn in for many reasons.
  The young people can be drawn in by many means. One is through the internet itself. Let's face it, teens get bored and randomly search for things via Google. I admit to doing this as well. These younger people see something like BDSM and see that in some minor way, it relates to them. The only problem is a good portion of them don't read on to see what its like, or do more research by looking up people who are actually in the lifestyle. They toss themselves in, head first, and end up doing some really stupid things.
  Another mean of drawing in the younger crowd is by just hearing a friend or some older person talk about it. That's how I was drawn into the community. But I wasn't like some of the others, I did my research to find out specifically what I would like and to specifically know what I was getting into. The only real problem is that someone who does this, might be pulled in by a desperate Dom seeking a new sub for their control. This Dom (which everyone knows exists so don't deny it) makes BDSM sound like its perfect for the person then just makes the subs life a living hell.
  This hasn't been a problem for me. I was drawn in when an online gaming friend of mine got asked why he always capitalized things like me and my. I immediately went to his defense and he later told me he was into BDSM. I was a curious 18 year old so I looked up the wiki and a few other sites and found that it actually somewhat help define who I was. Sure, I have some training to do about taking orders but it still helps me define who I am and what I'm like. I don't mind being in this lifestyle at all. The only bad thing really is that I can't vocalize exactly what I am for fear of ridicule. But I still am glad to have found it.     
  That is just one story from a younger generation person. I have one other story. This one is derived straight from my very own Master.
  "I discovered BDSM when I was 18 or 19. My girlfriend at the time would always defer to me for any decisions, always wanted to do things for me, and I naturally assumed the role of a Dom. As we started getting more involved in this, we decided to research and find out more about BDSM. The first, and most important thing I learned was that even though a lot of people are in BDSM relationships or lifestyles, every situation is unique. What works for one couple may not work for another. You can break that down even further and say that one person's style may not suit another."
~Master Wolfy
  I agree with what my Master has said. I am different because being a slave has made life for me so much easier. I turn to my Master for most decisions but he does allow me to make decisions of my own. And that's what I want. We both made sure to do our research before making the plunge into something that could potentially harm us, both mentally and physically. I live this life because its who I am and being a slave is only part of it. I am happy to wear the collar that's around my neck and have his ring on my left hand.
  In conclusion, the younger generation is starting to find BDSM interesting. A portion of them will most likely see or hear something about it then just plunge right in. Others, like my Master and myself, will do research on not only themselves but the Dom as well. Here are a few other words from my Master.
  "The problem comes in when two incompatible styles get too far into things. A submissive who does not enjoy pain will not like being with a sadistic Dominant. There's nothing wrong with either one, but a lot of times I've seen that the submissive will still stay with their Dom because they feel like they have to. This leads to abuse and a very unhappy situation."
  However, there is also a learning period that must take place, and this is where the generation gap comes into play. Those of experience have likely been around BDSM for a long time. They know who they are, what they like and dislike, and what they're looking for. They know that if they find a Dom that does not suit them, that they can simply end things amiably and move on in their search. Most in the younger generation seem to feel that if they find a Dom they have to be with them no matter what. They have no idea what they want or what they're getting into, they just feel that as a sub they need to stay with their Dom "just because it's BDSM."
  What is above is just a further explanation of what happens sometimes when someone who doesn't do any real research. Like I've said before, I felt smart when I did research on not only the lifestyle itself but my Master. And I couldn't have been happier with the results.    
  This is just an opinion of a Master and his slave. And below is a message for any younger generation practitioners.
   As a message to those of the younger generation: Shop around. Do your research about not only BDSM, but your potential Dom. Find out as much as you can before you make that commitment. Find out what you like and dislike, and find that Dom that suits you. You'll know when you find it. My Traci certainly knew when she found me. :)
Traci Cournoyer and Master Wolfy


12/6/2008 1:08:04 PM

"Negotiation 101" - by Michael Decker
Reprint from "TASTE OF LATEX" #6
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/deckneg.html
"Why should I talk about it when I just want to do it?"
  Often sexuality is confusing - we feel frustrated and don't get what we want.
  Sometimes we feel abused and our ability to trust falters, we question the quality of our relationships.
  Negotiation can help. It is asking for what you want - in a format designed to assist you in getting it. Pretty hot, huh?
  The purpose of negotiation is to figure out what two or more people want to do together, make agreements, and form a plan to achieve goals. This requires clear communication. This is win-win, not adversarial, negotiation. Keep talking until all parties find a balance between selfishly serving one's own needs, and unselfishly providing for someone else's needs.  
First though, determine what it is you want to experience, and then communicate that, articulately, to another. You must be ruthlessly honest about your likes and dislikes and truthful about how far you're willing to push yourself to find out who you are. Trying something new is risky, but discovering what does not work for you should be just as valuable as finding out what does.
  Practicing negotiating will enable you to more accurately access prospective partner's intentions, avoid risky situations, and choose actions that will meet your needs. Don't be afraid to open negotiation with someone who interests you. Often, the reputation that precedes a person is bigger and scarier than they are, or is simply inaccurate.
  Take time to insure that all players involved understands what's expected of them and what they are agreeing to do. Always assume a "no" response if there is any doubt or hesitancy. Do not start until a clear, non-coerced "yes" is received.
  During negotiation all players must have equal power to say no, as well as yes, to everything. None of the negotiators should feel they have to live up to anyone else's expectations. This can be difficult if you prefer to be submissive, but assertively choosing allows you to find out what works for you, so you can spend more time doing what turns you on.
  When negotiating an encounter with someone new to sexual exploration or new to you, it's helpful to know why they have an interest in the specific area of exploration. What is underlying their desire to play? Is it something they saw on television? Is it a childhood abuse issue? What's their emotional history?
  Some responsible physical questions to ask: Do they wear contact lenses? Are they epileptic? Do they have a bad back? Are they on medication of any kind? Asking such questions helps you make knowledgeable assessments of risk. If a person has a trick back, it doesn't mean you should automatically shy away from anything that might endanger it. It means you must assess the risks and accept or reject them, or choose ways to reduce them.
  Negotiation typically includes an agreement to use one or more "safewords", words that allow a participant to alter or to stop an encounter in progress.
  It is preferred to choose an uncommon word that will mean "whatever I say next, I want you to pay attention to and respect." It shouldn't be a word that might come up in the course of a scene, such as "no," "stop" or "mercy", etc. Use the names of colors, green (continue), yellow (caution), and red (stop) for instance. I like to use "safeword," it's easy to remember and the meaning is perfectly clear. If one of the participants cannot speak - either from a disability or because she/he is gagged - or if the encounter calls for discretion, use a body movement signal or have the partner hold something which, when dropped, means stop. If any participant wants to change the agreement during the encounter, she/he can use a "safeword" to fine tune the scene. The encounter must stop and negotiations resume to reestablish agreement.
  Here's an example of pre-scene negotiating. This partner, liked to write so she wouldn't forget anything important. This was her format:
  "Physical Considerations: 1. Slight upset stomach - no upside down, bent over tight, or tight restraints around my waist, please, at least for a couple of hours. 2. Slight stiff neck/shoulder, right side. 3. Shaving cut in folds of skin of outer labia will need to be bandaged prior to any frictional activities.
  Emotional Considerations: I had a rough day. Please no heavy humiliation/mindfuck.
  Personal Considerations: None, but it's nice to be back!
Requests/Suggestions:
1. Practice with rechargeable vibrator.
2. Flogging (mainly shoulders, maybe feet?)"
  Her communication was clear, simple, and to the point. It left a lot of room to negotiate my agenda and told me about her well-being and desires, a good opening to pre-scene negotiations.
  What should you do when a scene or encounter stops working for your partner and they use their safeword, followed by a few lines saying what's wrong? First, listen to them. Don't add anything to their communication. Follow their instructions.
  The problem may be simple, e.g. "Safeword, my hands are going numb. Would you please loosen their bindings?" or "Safeword, my leg is cramping. May I please have my position changed?" All you have to do is grant the request to get the scene back on track.
  Sometimes the problems are a bit more complex, e.g. "Safeword, I feel like a little kid and I'm frightened," followed by crying and emotional withdrawal.
  Again - you need to first listen. You may have accidentally activated a childhood memory or trauma - a fairly common event when engaged in sexual exploration. In this example, if you were playing with unequal power, drop the roles and speak to your partner as an equal. Ask "What do you need right now?"
  Be attentive but neutral and don't try to modify or prevent the experience. Calmly change the setting, release your partner from any restraint and lead him/her to a neutral environment, e.g., move from the dungeon to the living room and let your partner find a comfortable position. Then, again calmly, ask "Can you tell me what you need?" It may be to be cuddled & held, or not to be touched at all. It may to be left alone to figure it all out. Your partner may need some time to tell you what she/he needs. Be patient. This is when your love needs to be greater than your ego.
  By letting your partner deal with the experience, and not compounding it, you'll help her/him grow through it and let go of it. However simple or complex the issue, listening is the key to avoiding a repeat. Pay attention to the things that don't work for your partner so you can both spend more time doing the things that do work. When you are confused and uncomfortable and don't know what to say, say that. Don't stop communicating. You may find the answers in your listening.
  Scenes or encounters usually end with support, cuddling, and loving, but this too is subject to negotiation. Some people just don't want support at the end of their scene, or cuddling, it doesn't work with their fantasies. An after encounter discussion is always a good idea: "What worked? What didn't work? What should be avoided? What should be embellished? Get all the information you need to continue the sexual relationship and set boundaries.
  The negotiation skills taught here work equally well with any consenting adult sexual practice, from main stream straight to even the most bizarre fetishes and fantasies. Whether you are haggling over the price of a new sex toy, negotiating the finer points of oral sex, trying to borrow your best friend's leather jacket, requesting which piece of lingerie you want your lover to wear or screaming "Don't stop I'm almost there!", negotiating will get you more of what you want. Your self-image will strengthen and you will become more effective.
  Now, tell the truth, did you ever expect self-gratification to be so simple and easy?


12/5/2008 12:09:45 PM

BLIND FAITH
http://www.steel-door.com/blind_faith.htm
BLIND: To conceal or to put something forward for the purpose of misleading. Subterfuge. One who acts to the point of insensibility.
FAITH: To trust, give allegiance or loyalty to another. Fidelity to one's promises. Or, a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. It can also mean to offer a binding promise. 
  There is a method of attacking a submissive by asking that submissive to accept things on 'blind faith'. This often means that a person is asking a submissive/slave to withdraw rational forethought and offer trust without any measure of that trust being earned first. This type of request can be the first move of a predator. Usually the submissive is lifestyle new and may believe that 'belief' is mandatory merely upon someone's word or identification of themselves as a Dominant, a Master or a Mistress.
  There are those who seek to promote what they call 'blind faith tests'. This type of pre-interview asks for significant information about the submissive while the presenter of the test remains completely hidden. This testing is presented in such a manner as to persuade or pressure the submissive into compliance as a 'demonstration' of their 'true' submissive or slave nature.
  It is a way of turning a submissives 'desire to perform' against them. There is no negotiation during this type of offering, the entirety of it is one sided or leading. A new submissive can easily be enticed into completing and following this pathway of tests often giving out personal information that if they were asked directly they would not answer. There is a subtle desire to 'do this test well' for this apparent Dominant. There is often additional pressure applied through stressed time frames for the completion of each test. This additional pressure may make the submissive feel desired but most often pushes them into revealing life details that they should not reveal to a total stranger.
  It is important here to remember that first contacts are with total strangers. The usage of 'testing' immediately is a warning sign. A healthy Dominant or one without hidden issues or secrets will not need to know every detail of a submissive or slaves life immediately. They will be more interested in the submissives personality, reactions, and interactions with them. Simple chemistry. Open natural conversations tend to reveal and answer most questions easily.
  Many Dominants use questionnaires when and if a relationship shows some potentials of going further. These questionnaires may be to evaluate the level of knowledge that a submissive may have about themselves and the lifestyle. These questionnaires have become more popular with the onset of the Internet. Most Dominants using such questionnaires will remain open to answering questions themselves and use them as simply another tool. If a submissive is uncomfortable with any type of questionnaire it is usually not an important issue. When the flow of information is strictly one way the submissive should back away from the person directing the flow. A submissive is at personal risk both physically, mentally and emotionally. A predator takes the time to learn what issues will trigger a submissive, how to speak to them and how to assault them. Trust is not given to anyone sporting a Dominant sounding name on the Internet. Trust is earned through significant consistent actions by that Dominant over a period of time. If a Dominant cannot offer any kind of references or information about themselves then a submissive should not give to that person any level of blind faith or trust!


12/4/2008 3:35:02 PM

IS D/s UNHEALTHY?
by DurLlwyd - version 1.0 http://www.domsub.info/unhealthy.shtml
I write this knowing full well I am, as they say, 'preaching to the choir.' I suspect those who would take the time to read this already view D/s as a 'healthy' lifestyle. I also doubt that any article or writing will sway those who condemn Lifestyle D/s. In the end, this article basically amounts to 'venting.' Venting as a result of having to justify myself one too many times to the well meaning but sometimes disapproving majority.
 Those outside of the lifestyle will often suggest that any authority shift between people is 'unhealthy.' The most common reasons sited are:
1) Being in such a relationship is, in essence, giving up an individual's right to self-determination, and;
2) Being in a D/s relationship somehow weakens the submissive. On the Dominant side, the most common theme of complaint is the premise that it is 'unhealthy' for anyone to seek power over another.
 Relating to the first point, it is interesting to note that those who insist an individual must be free to make their own choices will, in the same breath, deny that same individual the right to live the lifestyle of their choosing. If a person must be free to make their own choices, why can they not choose to live a D/s lifestyle? Critics attempt to avoid this hypocrisy by suggesting that anyone choosing a D/s lifestyle is 'damaged' and only does so out of injury and ignorance. This is a redirection argument that dodges the question of why they believe D/s to be 'bad' in the first place.
 To meaningfully address the concern over 'self-determination' we have to identify the reasons a person may consider this a problem. The answer is usually connected with the idea of personal rights-specifically the assumption that it is 'wrong' to elect to give up any right for any reason.
 The problem with this view is that it denies a person the 'right' to construct the environment they feel best suits their own wants and needs. The position that others are somehow 'wrong' to voluntarily yield rights denies them the authority for 'self-determination.' It becomes an issue of moral perspective to suggest a person does not have the 'right' to give up a 'right.' Because it becomes a moral debate, there is no way to continue a rational discussion on that specific point. The best we can do with differences in moral perspective is agree to disagree.
 To shift to more pragmatic issues, it may be helpful to use an example: When a person places money in a mutual fund they give up the right to personally select all the ways their money is invested. A person has full control of which fund (if any) they choose to place their money into, but once the money is in a fund, specific investment decisions are made by the fund manager. By placing money into the fund, they have given up a certain level of control in order to gain the advantage of the fund manager's judgment.
 It is not in anyone's best interest to always make all their own decisions; this is why we often defer to the judgment of doctors, lawyers, mechanics, and other specialists. I am hoping that at this point it can be conceded that there are circumstances where any person would not only benefit, but would also prefer, to have another make specific decisions for them.
 A submissive is making an analogous choice-they are choosing to defer to the judgment of someone they trust. They may make this choice for a wide range of reasons, which may include but are not limited any of the following:
 The submissive may be better suited and more comfortable as a front-line worker than as a manager. The skills needed for managing are not the same skills needed for performing labor directly. Somehow, people have gotten it into their heads that everyone makes a good manager, which just isn't so. It may help to look at this in the context of another example, such as the film industry. Not every great actor is a great director, and not every great director is a great actor; people are just gifted with different skills.
 The submissive may feel (justifiably) that the Dominant will make better choices then they might make themselves. It is not to anyone's discredit to suggest that there is someone in the world who might be able to make better choices then we can make ourselves (as was evidenced in the previous examples of medical doctors and mechanics). This is not some unrealistic belief that the decision maker will always be correct, but rather supposes that over a given length of time, the elected decision maker may average better choices.
 The submissive may simply prefer to not be in the role of primary decision-maker. History is filled with the stories of remarkable people who preferred to be the right hand of the king rather then the king himself. This is not a sign of weakness or unwillingness to accept the outcome of decisions. As an example of an entire culture that reflected these ideals, the samurai of feudal Japan were fiercely capable people who idealized and honored the role of loyal service (in fact, the word 'samurai' means 'servant').
 The second point expressed by some is that D/s 'weakens' the submissive. The argument generally suggests that the submissive might cease to be able to care for themselves as a result relaying on the Dominant. There is a certain irony to this line of thinking when you consider it is the submissive that often takes care of most of the day-to-day affairs. Perhaps it would be more realistic to suggest that the Dominant may become dependent on the submissive! The other side of this argument, which at least has some logic, is the concern the submissive will loose the ability to manage affairs in a big-picture context.
 The failure of this argument is that it assumes the only way to learn is by trial and error. Rather, it is often better to learn by watching someone who is already skilled at a given task. If the people who hold to this argument would take the time to really get to know those who have been in the lifestyle for extended periods of time, they would find that in general, submissives learn a great deal about such skills as a result of watching their Dominants. However, just because they have learned these skills still doesn't mean it is what they prefer to do.
 Another point that needs to be addressed is the position that a submissive might become 'too dependent' on the Dominant. The first issue here is that 'too dependent' is a completely subjective term. What is really being said is that the person may be more dependent on the Dominant then the critic is comfortable with. This does not mean that anyone involved in the relationship is uncomfortable with the arrangement. It seems to me, it is the people involved who should be the judge of what is too much.
 Also, those putting forth this argument are using the term 'dependent' a bit loosely. In a very real sense I am 'dependent' on the farmers who grow the food that I eat, but no one seems to be very concerned about it. I am also 'dependent' on the doctors who treat me when I am ill. Again, no one seems very concerned. The reason no one is concerned is because no one expects farmers to quit growing food, nor doctors to stop treating the sick. Reliability and replacibility are the underlying concerns. The unspoken accusation is that the Dominant may be unreliable and it is therefore wrong to depend on them. Personally, as a Dominant, I find this offensive. In the world of vanilla culture, maybe honor is a forgotten word, but my experience shows me it is still remembered in the D/s culture. Secondly, who ever said that a Dominant wasn't replaceable? Again, this is an accusation based in a lack of understanding. The preconceived negativity of the pundits is really the only issue.
 Those who would damn a submissive for choosing a role of service do so out of the fear that the choice somehow reflects on them. They seem unable to come to terms with the idea that each person can make a different choice without any singular choice being the 'correct' one. These critics appear threatened by the mere existence of such a choice.
 On the other side of the coin are those who would fault a Dominant for wanting to be in the role of authority. Again, there is a certain hypocrisy in the argument that would dictate that others may not accept a position of authority that another has consensually given to them.
 There are many arguments put forth as to why it is 'bad' for a Dominant to seek authority over a submissive. Some are simply based in ignorance, some on social convention, and yet others are more instinctual. In regard to ignorance, I don't suppose this or any article will be adequate to educate someone on all the intricacies of the D/s lifestyle. As for social conventions, well they are just that - conventions. Conventions are no more then 'how things are normally done' within a given group, and we have already conceded that D/s is outside of the norm. Just because something is different doesn't make it wrong.
 Perhaps the most meaningful discussion that can be had relates to the natural tendency to distrust those who seek power or authority. However, just because there is a natural tendency for concern, does not mean that concern is justified. To determine if this concern is applicable to D/s it is necessary to look at its cause.
 At the risk of starting an entirely different debate, it is helpful to touch on an idea from evolutionary psychology. In a limited-resource (competitive) system there is a tendency to perceive any increase in 'power' in others as a threat. As the 'power' goes up for one, it must therefore go down for another, at least on a relative scale. To give an example, if one hunter improves his skill, it reduces the likelihood of other hunters being successful because the successful hunter will kill more of the available food. As a result of this dynamic, there is a natural knee-jerk negative reaction to other people striving to increase their own power or authority.
 There is another aspect to this equation, however-in this case, the Dominant is not taking resources from the common pool; they are specifically taking authority over the submissive, not over the population in general. Secondly, they are doing this at the request of the submissive. And as was discussed above, very possibly this is to the benefit of the submissive.
 It is also relevant to consider while it is natural for people to have a reaction against others increasing their power or authority, it is also natural for people to build power structures and alliances. In a very real sense, the joining of a submissive and Dominant is the coupling of different but complimentary skill sets that benefits both parties. Each person fills the role for which they are best suited and as a team they net a better result for the group. Functionally, this breaks down to alliances and the specialization of labor, which are not usually regarded as negative concepts.
 As strange as it may seem to some folks, it is possible for someone to seek power and/or authority without malicious intent. Those who are quick to speak of why an interest in a dominant role is 'bad' tend to leave out the fact that most Dominants enjoy caring for and protecting their submissive. The assumption that a Dominant could only enjoy their role for disreputable reasons is nothing more then a display of prejudice. 
 In the end, it all comes down to what an individual wants. If a person chooses to live a D/s lifestyle, it is a deeply personal choice that is likely the result of much soul-searching. There have always been and always will be, those who will insist on seeing what they do not understand in a negative light.


12/3/2008 4:17:39 PM
The 100-Point BDSM Purity Test
by friday@circus.com
http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/purity.shtml

This test rates your BDSM purity (and to some degree, your sexual purity... even better, it rates your kink purity). The majority of these 100 questions assume that you have had an introduction to the world of bondage, dominance and sadomasochism. For the purposes of this test, sex is defined as one or more of the following: intercourse, oral sex, or anal sex. Digital sex doesn't count - you have to draw the line somewhere.
Mark all questions for which your answer is "yes".

Have you ever...
  1. Posted in Alt.Sex.Bondage?
  2. Bought/read pornographic periodicals?
  3. Bought/read Modern Primitives or some other BDSM related book (such as Different Loving or the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices)?
  4. Been involved in a situation where if something went wrong in any way the only means you had to stop the situation was to call out a "safe" word (a word selected before the situation began)?
  5. Used your "safe" word?
  6. Had someone use their safe word to stop or slow down a situation you and they were involved in?
  7. Been restrained with ropes or other bondage devices where you could escape if you wanted to?
  8. Been restrained with cuffs or other bondage devices where you could not escape unless someone helped you?
  9. Been restrained inside of a body bag?
  10. Been wrapped in saran wrap?
  11. Given someone an orgasm while they were tied up?
  12. Had an orgasm while tied up?
  13. Been blindfolded?
  14. Been gagged?
  15. Been forced to drink from a non-standard object or in a non-standard way? (such as licking champagne from the floor or drinking from a dog bowl)
  16. Eaten without using your hands or off of a non-standard surface (like the floor or a dog bowl)?
  17. Tortured someone with the threat of discovery? (for instance, tying them up somewhere where someone was bound to discover them and then leaving them there or threatening to leave them there?)
  18. Ever worshipped someone's feet?
  19. Given someone a tongue bath?
  20. Ever forced/coerced someone into worshipping you or your body?
  21. Made someone do something they did not want to do (which they did because of the nature of the play you were involved in)?
  22. Punished someone for not doing something or doing it incorrectly?
  23. Been punished for not doing something correctly or refusing to do something?
  24. Been required to call someone Master/Mistress/Goddess/God/Owner/some-other-variation during BDSM play?
  25. Required that someone call you Master/Mistress/Goddess/God/Owner/etc. during BDSM play?
  26. Been involved in a Slave/Master contractual relationship for longer than a day? (contract meaning verbal/written agreement setting up codes of behaviour for participants)
  27. Considered yourself a "top"/sadist for a period of time? (a year?)
  28. Considered yourself a "bottom"/masochist for a period of time? (a year?)
  29. Considered yourself a "switch"? (Someone who likes to top or bottom)
  30. Played both "top" and "bottom" in the same night?
  31. Worn a collar around your neck/wrist/ankle that was locked by someone other than yourself?
  32. Locked a collar around someone?
  33. Kept a slave on a longterm basis? (someone who you treated as a slave perhaps by restricting their movement or proscribing their activites in some other fashion)
  34. Been kept as a slave on a longterm basis?
  35. Gone to a play party or other BDSM show (like a BDSM club)?
  36. Participated in play with someone(s) at a play party or BDSM show/club?
  37. Had yourself exposed pretty much totally in front of strangers by a person in control of you? (at play party, BDSM club)
  38. Been "given" to someone as a slave or toy?
  39. Been "given" a person as a slave or a toy for your pleasure?
  40. Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know? (and still don't know)
  41. Had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
  42. Paid or been paid to dominate someone?
  43. Paid or been paid to have someone dominate you?
  44. Given or received fisting?
  45. Been restrained in a straightjacket (PVC, leather, whatever, variations count)?
  46. Been involved in the acting out of a sexual fantasy? (rape fantasy, sex-in-a-public-place fantasy, dominating-boss fantasy)
  47. Written an explicitly erotic story?
  48. Made video tapes of BDSM play?
  49. Had your partner take pictures of you in a compromising situation? (such as tied up, naked, or during sex)
  50. Taken erotic pictures of your partner?
  51. Lead or been lead around on a leash in public?
  52. Had BDSM play with more than one person simultaneously?
  53. Flogged or been flogged with the intention of giving/receiving pain?
  54. Been flogged with a flogger/whip/paddle/cane so that there were bruises showing the next day?
  55. Flogged someone with a flogger/whip/paddle/cane so that they had bruises the next day?
  56. Been flogged/beaten with a non-standard object such as a hard loaf of bread, a shoe or a hairbrush?
  57. Achieved orgasm while being whipped/flogged?
  58. Had nipple clamps/clothespins used on your nipples or other sensitive parts?
  59. Used nipple clamps/clothespins on someone's nipples or other sensitive parts?
  60. Had ball locks placed on you or placed ball locks on someone?
  61. Used melted wax for BDSM play?
  62. Used food for BDSM play? (such as using a vegetable as a penetration device)
  63. Received an enema?
  64. Practiced bestiality?
  65. Drawn blood during BDSM play?
  66. Tasted or drank human blood (not your own)?
  67. Bled (not menstrual) during BDSM play?
  68. Been involved in the use of a penis as a leash?
  69. Been suspended entirely off the ground for BDSM purposes?
  70. Been confined in a cage?
  71. Given or received electric shock as a part of BDSM play? (for example, the violet wand)
  72. Used a butt plug?
  73. Worn a cock ring or had a partner wear a cock ring?
  74. Used a dildo or vibrator on someone or had one used on you?
  75. Worn a chastity belt or put a chastity belt on someone?
  76. Worn a latex bodysuit?
  77. Had your partner shave your pubic hair or shaved your partner's?
  78. Bleached or dyed your partner's pubic hair or had same done to you?
  79. Gotten a genital or nipple piercing?
  80. Received a temporary piercing (anywhere on the body)?
  81. Received a temporary piercing (on your genitals)?
  82. Pretended to be an inanimate object such as a chair or a table?
  83. Used someone pretending to be an inanimate object by sitting on them etc.?
  84. Pretended to be an animal during play?
  85. Treated someone as an animal during play?
  86. Been involved in water sports? (i.e. drinking someone's urine, or urinating on someone, being urinated on)
  87. Ever obeyed an order to defecate on yourself or your clothing?
  88. Worn a corset?
  89. Worn leather/rubber/pvc/latex as a fashion statement or part of BDSM play?
  90. Worn a dominatrix/dominator outfit or been forced to wear humiliating clothing?
  91. Practiced transvesticism?
  92. Worn diapers during BDSM play?
  93. Required that someone wear diapers during BDSM play?
  94. Been a fetishist? (by definition, a fetishist is someone who has, at any point, strongly felt that the presence of the fetish object enhances or otherwise enables mental/sexual fulfillment)
  95. Been to a BDSM shop such as Stormy Leather or Skin Two (some place where BDSM toys and accoutrements are sold)?
  96. Purchased BDSM toys? (a flogger, a pair of handcuffs, etc.)
  97. Owned 10 or more devices intended for BDSM play?
  98. Spent more than $300 on a single BDSM toy? (a corset, a suspension harness, a latex bodysuit, a metal cage, etc.)
  99. Bought tools for sex play (such as a dildo or a vibrator or a blowup doll)?
  100. Made modifications to your home/room to make restraining people easier?
That's all. You can use your score to impress yourself or your friends, as a checklist of things you might want to try or in whatever other fashion makes your world go round.

12/2/2008 2:18:34 PM

 http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/advanced-baby.htm
This article is published in the book:
"Psych 101 - What you didn't learn in nursing school."
by Kathi Stringer
Paperback: 320 pages
ISBN-13: 978-0615193137
Order
 
Section: Infantilist Support
The Advanced Baby
Written by Kathi Stringer March 22, 2006
[Rev 1 April 19, 2006]
"Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced and/or distributed on websites, and/or for personal use with the author's names and credits attached."
 Imagine, in a world…. that for a few, age is timeless and innocence is for everyone that lives it, and growing up means growing smarter while daydreaming they are still in Carters.  They can present with vestiges of adult maturity, while cloaking their infantile true self in the guise of adulthood.  They may manage companies, formulate cooperate takeovers, and wheel the power to eliminate a division of executives.  They may find themselves excelling to the top levels of their class, brainstorming ingenious formularies, or in the center of the party.  They are frequently intelligent, progressive thinkers, spontaneous and creative.  They can be found in classified and sensitive high-level operations within government, and all the while it is just a masque of a highly developed intellectual child.  If you can imagine this, then hang onto your hat and get ready for a run around the Mulberry bush because it is quite possible that you’ve stumbled onto the elusive world of the advanced baby.
Ask yourself:
Do you like snuggling up with a baby blanket or stuff toy?
Do you bond with child-like friends with games like tinker-toys while cartoons are playing in the background?
Do you feel like you cannot identify with the “A-word” – ‘adult?’
Do you like the baby-doll fashions, cartoonish clothes, or coloring in coloring books?
Do you sometimes wear diapers and drink from a baby bottle as part of your identity?
Do you feel comfort, loved and a sense of well-being from infantile associations of objects or play?
Have you felt this way all your life and thought you were the only one?

 If you can answer yes to most of the questions above, you may be an advanced baby, or suspect someone that is.
Introduction to the Advanced Baby – A Life-style
 Just before the dawn of the new century, when Y2K was the hype, the term “Advanced baby” was coined to describe a life-style of infantilized persons.  These individuals for the most part enjoy the grownup advantages of playing with computers and other high-tech gadgets with autonomy (= advanced), yet emotionally they still cling to infantile objects for security and comfort (= baby). Phenomenon of the New Age?
 Perhaps the phenomenon of the advanced baby is part of a larger spectrum that includes other groups of child-like individuals.   Christopher Noxon, a writer for the New York Times, made a splash in the news circles after he articulated the occurrence of new terms in is editorial,  “I Don’t Want To Grow Up.”  [1] In his article he uses terms,
 “Kidults, adultescents, or rejuveniles - call them what you will - the trend for immaturity is every-where. It has become unfashionable to be mature.”
 Noxon continued with an interview of Frank Furendi, a professor of sociology at the University of Kent at Canterbury in England.  Noxon writes that Mr Furendi speculates that “adulthood as lost its appeal.”  Noxon writes further;
 "Mr. Furendi began researching what he calls 'the self-conscious cultivation of immaturity' after spotting college students watching 'Teletubbies' in a university bar. The scene stuck in his mind, and he came to think of it as representative of a wave of infantilism sweeping Britain and beyond.”
 Noxon’s article caught-on and the mainstream of writers spurred further observation and speculation.  Ian Shoales writes about the  “World’s Oldest Preteens” [2] that toymakers are targeting consumers that are buying products for made for persons half their age. Indeed, manufactures are considering another market for the infantile buyers.  And, Trina Rea’s article, “The Search of Eternal Youth,” [3] discusses 35-year-olds that are looking to escape financial demands in life by the attractiveness of regression.  She writes, “Is anyone surprised that they just refuse to grow up and are happy to regress back to childhood delights?”
 Rea indicates that it’s big bucks for toy-makers and even publishers are jumping on the bandwagon and catering to “Children's Books for Adults...Indulging rejuveniles - or kidults, as some are calling them. ”
 Siobhan McAndrew, from the Reno Gazette-Journal in her article I am a Gen-Xer suffering from Peterpandemonium, [4] writes,
"Others describe this back-to-babyhood boon as Peterpandemonium, Kidults and Adultolescents.”
 McAndrew indicates that is becoming a fad to wear knee-high socks and wear Strawberry Shortcake footed pajamas that now come in adult sizes.  She echoes the New York Times that “Rejuveniles are not are not “stunted adolescents.” They have “busy lives with adult responsibilities and respectable jobs.”
Jessica Gresko, A Spectator Associate News Editor titled her article, Stuffed Animal Attachments Carry Over into College Years. [6] Gresko writes about Andrea Herbst who admits bringing her teddy bear to college.
"Dydee," she got him when she was one year old.  "He came with the diapers from the diaper company," she said. "He has been with me everywhere. I took him to Germany when I was seven. He came to England when I spent the year there between high school and college."
 Truly, we live in an age that older consumers are buying candy pacifiers, happy meals, and, according to Suzanne Fields author of Revisiting the itsy bitsy spider, [7] they “don't want to leave their childhoods because they prefer innocence to edginess.”
Advanced Babies and Defragmentation
 The genesis of advance babies closely resembles their formation from the term “True Infantilism.” [8] For most of their lives these individuals have had difficulty growing-up in the conventional views of adults.  The advanced baby is not characteristic of being libidinally mature in adult relationships, nor are they indicative of even understanding themselves.  Due to the unavailable information, it is an intangible-given that many appear to live in a world split by the “adult vs. baby” dichotomy.   However, there is a conceptualization of a life without this dichotomy through a dialectical synthesis.  Meaning a synthesis (= integrating the adult vs. baby) can reduce internal fragmentation to become a lifestyle to help an individual from completely giving in to regressive behaviors.  The pseudo-adult and baby are defragmented and reflective of the true self. 
A Look at Transitional Objects – Not a Fetish, Costumes or Props
 An excerpt from the essay True Infantilism [8] states,  “A person may view true infantilism mistakenly for a fetish.  There is a stark difference since the desire for the object occurred before puberty.  For example, the diaper [or other object(s)] may be regarded as a symbolic formation to ward of insecurities and becomes a transitional object for a child.  In strivings toward independence personality fragments may fuse with objects that represent nurturing.  It appears to provide a sense of control for the child to revisit a period that is widely accepted in our culture as nurturing.  The energized transitional object offers relief from separation anxieties from the maternal figure and/or provides a sense of recreation of a period lost in grief.”  
 Transitional objects can carry over into adulthood and are often times not the original object.  Glen O. Gabbard, the flagship author for the American Psychiatric Association indicates “Pills may function as transitional objects for some patients, allowing them to maintain some sense of connectedness with their psychiatrists when seeing them quite infrequently.  Touching or looking at the pill may have a soothing effect on the patient.”
Advanced Baby – Self Identification
 They’ve been this way most of their life from earliest memories. The concept of advanced baby is a lifestyle and is similar to the intellectual Peanuts character Linus carrying around his security blanket (term security blanket inspired by Linus Van Pelt) [10].  These behaviors are not viewed primarily as something to be practiced or a fetish.  There is an important distinction to be made.  There are many fetish and perversion sites on the Internet that assume to construct a comprehensive umbrella that state most regressed individuals fit into a their criteria using an alphabetical soup of acronyms.  By making these blanket assertions, an individual is pigeonholed into a group with a range of behaviors that often appalls the listener (= countertransference problems).  Often times, the infantile individual is horrified by the assumed associations and has no place to reference knowledge for treaters, family, spouses and friends.  It’s also problematic because it is not uncommon that an individual may wrongfully identify their personas with the contemporary slang on the Internet because they are not able to articulate it differently and nothing else is available. For these reasons, this essay on advanced baby has offered another option for self-determination and self-identification.
References:
1.   Noxon, Christopher (Aug. 31, 2003), I Don't Want to Grow Up!, New York Times. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.christophernoxon.com/nyt_sub_rejuveniles.html Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/notgrowup.htm 
2.  Ian Shoales (January 1, 2004) World's Oldest Preteens, Intelligent Enterprise Magazine, Extracted March 22, 2006
http://www.iemagazine.com/040101/701ddw1_1.jhtml?_loopback=1
Mirrored:
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/youth.htm 3.  Trina Rea, (December 19, 2003), The Search for Eternal Youth, Europe Intelligence Wire. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/youth.htm
4. Siobhan McAndrew (October 11, 2003), I am a Gen-Xer Suffering from Peterpandemonium, Reno Gazette-Journal. Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.rgj.com/news/stories/html/2003/10/11/53893.php
Mirrored: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/peterpandemonium.htm 5.  Rejuveniles (2003-2004), Extracted from Kathi’s Mental Health Review, Extracted March 22, 2006, http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/rejuveniles.htm 6. Jessica Gresko (November 14, 2002), Stuffed Animal Attachments Carry Over into College Years, The Columbia Spectator.  Extracted March 22, 2006 Here
Mirrored:
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/attachments.htm
7. Suzanne Fields (September 4, 2003),  Revisiting the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Townhall.com. Extracted March 22, 2006,  Here
Mirrored:
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/fields.htm
8
.  Kathi Stringer (2002), True Infantilism, Kathi’s Mental Health Review
Extracted March 22, 2006
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/infantilism.htm
9
.  Glen O. Gabbard (1998) Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice, THE DSM-IV Edition, pp. 141
10.  Charles Schulz (September 19, 1952), Linus, Meet the Gang.com 
Extracted March 22, 2006,
http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/meet_the_gang/meet_linus.html11. Pictures for the advanced baby essay extracted from: http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/advanced-baby-pictures.htm "Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced and/or distributed on websites, and/or for personal use with the author's names and credits attached."


12/1/2008 10:33:49 AM
 Humiliation Chart, by Sir Viktor http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/humiliation1.shtml
Note: We should not put our BDSM values on anyone in the vanilla world! Please do not humiliate anyone in a Vanilla setting such as a restaurant or supermarket with a possibility of a vanilla person seeing this.
HUMILIATION activities/ideas
*Act as objects (furniture, etc.)
*After orgasm, making sub drink his own cum
*Always address you Sir, ma'am, etc.
*Anal plugs
*Age Play
*Baby pacifier tied around neck
*Bathroom use control
*Bathroom use in front of others
*Become a human ashtray
*Beg for cigarettes, drinks, etc.
*Blindfolds
*Boot worship at odd moments
*Cavity check in private
*Cavity check in public
*Cage display
*Cage display and ignore them
*Carrying a doll or toy around
*Clip on earrings that don't match
*Crawl on 4ís
*Cum or urinate into their food.
*Curse words (Whore, Slut, Worthless, etc.)
*Curtsy in public
*Dancing/ stripped tease
*Dom chooses food
*Dom chooses cloths
*Dom urinates into water, while sub is taking a bath
*Eat from a pet dish
*Eat from floor
*Eat without utensils
*Embarrasing positions
*Enema
*Eye contact restrictions
*Feed submissive from hand
*Feeding the food in restaurant (Remember: don't put your values on others-if they can see)
*Feminine necklace exposed (for males)
*Foot worship
*Forced bestiality (not for everyone. This is a hard limit for most)
*Forced Cross dressing
*Forced dressing
*Forced exercising
*Forced nudity
*Forced masturbation in odd places
*Forced shopping for pantyhose and asking the clerk ìWould this fit meî (male)
*Forced slave auction
*Forced to go to bathroom in front of others
*Forced to sell lemonade in the street like a kid for .10 cents
*Forced to wear a sign (slut, etc.)
*Forced to be a slave
*Forced to wear a leash
*Golden shower
*Handcuffs in public
*Handcuffed to a shopping cart while shopping
*Harem--serving w/other(s)
*Hood
*Human Garbage Can
*Immobilization
*Lead on leash while having a rubber bone in the mouth
*Leave bathroom door opened
*Leave note with embracing instructions
*Made to walk the streets in a ìRed Light Districtî
*Made to urinate in front of others into a cat liter box
*Maid services
*Make sub wear underwear that you've urinated on
*Mask
*Nipple clamps under see thru top
*Orgasm control
*Orgasm denial
*Pantyhose work with shorts (male)
*Pet roles (act like a dog, cat, etc.)
*Pet play (forced sex w/pet)
*Record real embarrassing sessions and make them watch it
*Scat Play
*Scolding
*Spitting in face
*Send shopping with note and hand it to clerk.
*Serve others (supervised)
*Serve others (unsupervised)
*Serve as toilet
*Shave head
*Shave body hair
*Shave pubic hair
*Slap face
*Slave tattoos (temporary)
*Spanking (public)
*Speech restriction
*Spell ìSlaveî with suntan lotion & get tan
*Stand in corner
*Swallow urine
*Suck dildo in car, so others can see
*Take Pictures
*Take Video
*Verbal Abuse
*Wear a bra and get a tan (males)
*Wear diapers
*Wear Masters cum on your face without wiping
*Wear no bra under see thru top
*Wear no panties under see thru clothes
*Wear T-shirt that say ìI'm a sissy boyî, ìI belong to Masterî, etc.
*Wear Collar everywhere
*Wear unmatching clothes
*Wear clothes that are ripped
*Write on body (slut, sissy, etc.)
*Undress in front of others 

11/30/2008 5:41:13 PM

My newest favorite old song!


When the night wind softly blows through my open window

Then I start to remember the girl that brought me joy
Now the night wind softly blows sadness to tomorrow
Bringing tears to eyes so tired
Eyes I thought could cry no more

If the day would only come
Then you might just appear even though you'd soon be gone
When I reached out my hand
If I could see you
If only I could see you
To see if you are laughing or crying
When the night winds softly blow

In my dark and whispering room
Memories still bring me a numbness to my feelings
Take my hand and brush me by
In the warm and fevered dark
Heart is madly beating
My crazy thoughts are burning
When the night winds softly blow

If the day would only come
Then you might just appear even though you'd soon be gone
When I reached out my hand
If I could see you
If only I could see you
To see if you are laughing or crying
When the night winds softly blow


11/29/2008 5:02:32 PM

 Ageplay Truth and Myths
Author: missyinchains © April 2002
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/missyageplay.htm
Introduction:
 Hi my name is Melissa but I am better known as missy. My talk today is titled Ageplay: The Truths and The Myths. In choosing that title, I know I am kind of misleading you, since basically I am only going to discuss one myth and I recognize that what is truth for one is not necessarily the same as the truth for another.
 I don't pretend to know everything there is about ageplay nor do I even view myself as an expert. Having said that, I have been involved with all aspects of ageplay since the early 1980's and today I would like to share my thoughts and opinions with you. I leave it up to you to decide what is true for you and hopefully I can dispel some of your own myths.
Myths:
 So let's start with a brief discussion of what is a myth. For this discussion, I will define a myth as "any unscientific account, theory or belief" (source: Webster's New World Dictionary). You have all probably heard a few of these in your own time such as:
All gay males are effeminate
All crossdressors are gay
The BDSM lifestyle is just about pain

 I certainly don't know where these originate, but in general, they seem to be believed by a lot of people. What I do know is that these beliefs are not based on fact, or any scientific account. They are usually based on unrepresentative samples or stereotypes and are espoused by so-called experts who have enough credibility with the general public to be believed.
 Thankfully the Gerry Springer's of the world are becoming more of a comedy act than truth sayers. However that doesn't mean that we are out of the woods or free and clear. There are still certain professionals out there that think they know better than anyone else even though their opinions are for the most part based solely on their clientele.
The Biggest Age Play Myth:
 So having ranted on that, what's the biggest ageplay myth?
 It is that ageplay involves real children and/or ageplayers have latent pedophilia tendencies.
 This fallacy is completely untrue. Pedophilia is when an adult prefers choosing an ACTUAL child for a sexual partner. Certainly, as in all communities, be them the BDSM, the local church, school, police, government, etc part of communities, there likely is a percentage of ageplayers that are pedophiles.
 To deny that would be complete silliness, however, ageplayers are usually strong and out spoken advocates against child abuse of any form not just sexual but mental and emotional abuse too. There is absolutely no tolerance for pedophiles in the ageplay community as in a similar vain there is no tolerance for abuse in the BDSM community.
 Don't mistake an ageplayers interest in child like things, games, clothes, shoes, colouring, etc for interest in real children. We don't to involve real children, just emulate them for reasons that I hope will become clearer later in this discussion.
What is Ageplay?:
 So what is ageplay? The answer to that is as diverse as you would get if you asked different lifestylers what is BDSM. It depends on who you talk to what answer you will get.
 So I am going to take a simplistic position and just say ageplay, is where one party plays at being an age usually 18 or under.
The Ageplay Players:
 There are basically two types of ageplayers: those that like to play in a child role (child for short) and those that like to portray an adult authority figure (adult for short).
 The adult authority figure can be one of many. Some common ones are Mommy, Daddy, Aunt, Uncle, Teacher, Nanny, Principal, Coach, Nurse, Doctor, etc. The key is that it must be an adult role, where there is some inherent control over the child.
 Sometimes, but rarely, you will get two children age playing together, where there is an implied sense of control but control really doesn't exist. Older brother and older sister are two such roles. The older sibling does not really have control over their younger brother or sister but just by the nature of the relationship there is some sense of control. It maybe just that the younger sibling looks up to their older brother/sister and naturally follows "orders" or it could just be a bratty older sibling trying to take control.
 The child role can be divided into many categories but I am going to keep it simple. So for simplicity sake, I will divide it into 3 groups: baby/toddler, preteens and teenager roles.
baby/toddler
This group is commonly known as Adult Babies (A/B). The fetish is known as Paraphilic Infantilism or simply Infantilism. Those that play the adult role are commonly known as Diaper Lovers (D/L). The term D/L is also used for anyone that is supportive of the A/B group but may not participate in this type of ageplay.
Thanks to the efforts of various individuals and groups, notably:
Tommy of Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) -
http://www.dpf.com/
Baby Mikey of Big Baby World (BBW)
Mommy Carolyn of Carolyn's Kids
http://www.homestead.com/carolynskids/ 
 Those interested in infantilism were able to come out of the closet and share their interests, opinions and concerns with others. The internet has helped tremendously in bringing A/B's out of the closet and there is literally hundreds of A/B related sites now. There are variety of personal, story and chat sites as well as clubs and suppliers of A/B clothes and products. Many an adult product supplier has jumped on the band wagon and now offer an A/B line.
It appears that there is a much higher percentage of male A/B's then females. One estimate I read said that 99% of A/B's were male. Personally I think this is a little high but to say that there are few female A/B's is a truism.
This is likely the only ageplay group where one can go pretty much 24/7. With the latest products, one can pretty much wear a diaper all the time. The excuse of incontinence is always available if you get caught.
Because of the intimate contact and/or focus on the use of diapers, there appears to be a significant level of sexual/erotic touching for most A/B's and/or masturbation amongst the males.
preteen
 Commonly know as the little boy or little girl group in ageplay.
 The mindset seems to be one of a prepubescent child, who has to varying degrees has gone beyond the baby/toddler stage. That's not to say that there cannot be a level of regression or being "babyish" at times.
 For those that play at the younger ages in this group, there can be a degree of diaper play too. Usually the "scene" starts with the little boy/girl having an accident necessitating the decision to put him/her back into diapers until he/she can learn to control the bodily functions.
 In this group, there appears to be a much higher percentage of females then males.
By the nature of the age of the child, there tends to be little or no sexual/erotic play. This is not to say that ageplay, for some, is not a form of sexual foreplay. Those that I have heard that use ageplay as sexual foreplay also say that when it comes to more intimate sexual acts, they revert back to adult mode.
teen
 All children have a health curiousity about sex and much to their parents dismay often engage in activities of exploration of self or others. With the teen years comes puberty and the age of sexuality. This is a vibrant time, sexual exploration takes on a new meaning based on hormones and the inherent desire for procreation.
 Therefore ageplay in this category takes on a more sexual overtone no matter what the scene maybe.
 In this group, there appears to be a much higher percentage of females then males.
So what is the attraction to Ageplay?:
 I certainly don't pretend to be an expert on the psychology or the whys of ageplay. I can just tell you my feelings, reflect what others have told me and reiterate what I have read.
 One of the reasons that seems to transcend all groups and both adults and child, is the need for a close, loving and caring relationship. The need to go back and experience the "perfect" childhood or parenting role. For many, this entails a cathartic (purifying the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions) effect. The idea is to heal the emotional/mental scars from past r/l incestuous/abusive relationships through role play not to reinforce the bad times.
 Many of us had a less then perfect childhood. For some that was because of abuse (physical, emotional, mental) and for others, because of circumstances they had to grown up too quickly and never really had a childhood. Whatever the reason there seems to be a driving need to seek out and capture the perfect childhood, which was denied to them as children, through ageplay.
 It is a time of unconditional love and acceptance, with a sense of safety yet the thrill of vulnerability.
 In the adult role, it appears to be the need to have the perfect parenting or other role that was not available for a number of reasons. Perhaps, through divorce or other reasons there wasn't the opportunity to be the "perfect" parent. Maybe the adult ageplayer wished to be a teacher and was denied that opportunity through poor grades or lack of money.
 As with the child, the adult often desires a loving and caring relationship along with a sense of control.
 For some, ageplay is a fetish or the sexual attraction to an object or activity. Objects could be diapers, school girl clothes, cheerleader outfits, etc. and the activity is definitely ageplay in this case. This applies to both adults and children.
 Humiliation is the motivation for some. Being reduced to a big baby, a little boy or girl (includes both males and females) or a "sissy". On the adult side, some ageplayers enjoy being in a controlling position and humiliating their charges.
 Others report that it is acting out a fantasy. Is it Play?:
 To me there are two types of child ageplayers, those that role play and those that "become", with the latter using some form of self regression techniques.
 Ageplayers that have a sense of being can come from any group A/B's, preteens, teens. Here the ageplayer has the "raw" inner child out in full and is very vulnerable. The adult figure here must be very careful that he/she does not cross the line and bring back bad memories from the child's past.
What Do Age Players Do ?:
 There appears to be a few commonalities to all groups. Those being dressing and acting appropriately for the age the age being portrayed, in the use of props and toys and finally in defining play.
 I am not going to go into any great detail here as this is well summarized in the website "Little Girl Lost" http://www.bloodinmoonlight.com/lgl/antiped.html. While this is a website for little girls I don't think it would take much to associate it to the "little boy".
Is Ageplay Part of the BDSM World?:
 I would have to say yes and no.
 In my opinion, to say that ageplay must involve a D/s relationship is a mistake. Ageplay does not necessarily involve another person nor does there have to be a D/s relationship. I know of several ageplayers that will play on their own and/or with other ageplayers but don't have a D/s relationship with anyone. They have no intention of ever getting involved in a D/s relationship, they are happy just playing alone or with their peers.
 Having said that, for many, a D/s relationship which includes an adult authority figure, is a must, an integral part of the play. These types of relationships, like those with a Dominant/submissive, involve a power exchange based on safe, sane and consensual play between two adults. Trust, respect and open an honest communication is as important here as it is in any BDSM relationship.
 The control here is much different than that with the traditional D/s relationship. It is designed to emulate the control a parent, coach, teacher, etc. would have over a child. There appears to be little sense of serving Master/Mistress or in this case Daddy/Mommy, etc. The focus seems to be more on the child and the activities of the child. The adult role sets and enforces the rules and may even define the activities. The amount of control over activities appears to be dependant on the "scene". For example, a teacher is more likely going to control a higher percentage of the activities then say a parent.
 Corporal punishment is quite frequently used in ageplay. Spankings and the strap/belt/paddle tend to be the most common ones. Other punishments such as standing in the corner, being sent to your room, denial of activities, etc. also tend to be fairly common. The intent is to fit the punishment to the age that the child portrays.
Conclusion:
 Ageplay has nothing to do with real children, but it has everything to do with being childlike. As adults, we all have a component or part of our personality that is labeled the inner child. At an early age we are taught to bury this inner child deep within us. How many have been told to "grow up".
 By caging the inner child we ignore all the past hurts of childhood and more often than not the ability to just relax and have some fun. Someone that you might describe as being too serious, usually is not in touch with their inner child at all, whereas, those that are fun to be with are usually in touch with their inner child whether they know it or not.
 Ageplay is one way to get in touch with one's inner child, to deal with past hurts and to just let go in a controlled environment where the inner child is safe to play, to love, to feel secure. Ageplay is a healthy activity and shouldn't be viewed as sick or perverted, this is about the inner child not real children.
 I will conclude by quoting some statements by Robert Burney http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/Sitemap.htm:
 The only way we can be whole is to own all of the parts of ourselves. By owning all the parts we can then have choices about how we respond to life. By denying, hiding, and suppressing parts of ourselves we doom ourselves to live life in reaction.
In order to start being in the moment in a healthy, age-appropriate way it is necessary to heal our "inner child." The inner child we need to heal is actually our "inner children" who have been running our lives because we have been unconsciously reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes, the old tapes, of our childhoods."
The integration process involves consciously cultivating a healthy, Loving relationship with all of my inner children so that I can Love them, validate their feelings, and assure them that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from the child come over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality - it isn't, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. I know that now because of my recovery, and I can lovingly parent and set boundaries for those inner children so they are not dictating how I live my life. By owning and honoring all of the parts of me I now have a chance to have some balance and union within.
 


11/28/2008 5:19:08 PM
SAFETY FIRST
1997 Mistress Kay http://www.bdsmsanctuary.com/articles/physical_safety.htm
 Safety first leads to great BDSM Sessions but the body is not the only thing that needs to be protected and kept safe. The mind and the emotions must also be considered. Safety is something that has to be considered on all levels; general health, mentally, emotionally. BDSM is not sex, it is much more intense since it effects a person, both the giver and the receiver, on many levels. This write up is about complete safety practices for the body as well as the mind. I am a lifestyle Mistress with multiple play partners so safety is very important. I am not a psychologist or doctor of any sort. I accept no responsibility in any way for what you read or may or may not do from reading this article. I am offering My opinions - what you do with them is solely your responsibility. 
 Entering into the world of BDSM should not be a lightly traveled road. Once you begin on this path you can find yourself in the greatest place of enjoyment you have ever been or on the wrong side of the road. There are many people who enjoy BDSM, it does not mean you are a sick puppy or that you are mental insane. It means that you have a different sexual preferences, need the intensity of BDSM, and can have an experience that encompasses the body, the mind, and the emotions.  There is nothing wrong with, not to be ashamed of as long as you understand the emotions, reasoning and safety practices. One popular BDSM saying is BE SAFE - BE SANE - BE CONSENSUAL  
 Bondage is the ultimate act of love and trust.  You must completely trust the DOM since as a submissive you are allowing yourself to be put into a situation you may not be able to escape from. There is something so sublime, animalistic, and emotionally encompassing in giving yourself over to someone on a mental, physical, emotional, and sexual level. This giving up of control (or having the control) is what bondage and Domination is all about. Experiencing everything that may be forbidden with no control or guilt of the actions. It is a most remarkable and most encompassing experience.  If you are a novice then I highly recommend that you read everything. It will help you establish your mind set as well as prepare you for safety in all aspects.
Choosing a partner
 Trust is the very most important thing between two people, in any relationship, not just in BDSM. You must find someone that you can trust with your life. Remember as a submissive you are surrendering all control, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You should get to know this person very well before you agree to enter into a session. This person should be respectful of your limits and wishes, no 'if's', 'ands', or 'buts'. Once you decide that you are ready to turn your fantasy into reality, and have found a person you trust, then you need to establish communication, limits, and safety practices. Setting limits and a safe word will not destroy the spontaneity of the moment or reduce the fun you can have during a session. 
Safety words and signals is proper BDSM Communication
 Proper communication is an absolute must. It does not just start and end before the act. It is imperative that you and your partner/s establish effective means of communication throughout all of it. Make sure that everyone involved is aware at all times of how you feel about what you are doing or having done to you. This is not necessarily going to kill spontaneity or ruin a 'scene' for anyone. Quite the contrary. Before anything happens, be sure that you have a set of SAFE WORDS and/or signals ready and committed to memory. For those who are unfamiliar with the term SAFE WORD, it is simply put, a word, signal, or phrase that has a definite meaning to the person/s that hear/s it, usually when the submissive has been pushed beyond the limit of what s/he finds pleasurable and needs the dominant to stop. A slow word can be used to indicate that a sub is getting close to a limit or that the Dom needs to lighten up a bit. If you do not use safe words, you will find that bondage is suddenly a very dangerous game, and at the very least, people will not want to play it with you.
Mutual Support
 BDS, by its very nature is a highly emotional activity. It pushes both the dominant and submissive parties to their respective emotional and sometimes physical limits. There will be times that both sides need the support, approval and love of the other. Never ridicule your partner for not being capable of performing an act which is beyond their personal limits. Spend time after your session being affectionate and receptive. Just because your submissive can't physically handle having his or her elbows tied together doesn't make them defective. Just because your dominant squeaks at the mere idea of making you roll around in diapers acting like an infant doesn't make him or her a wimp. This is just personal taste. Some of us just can't do these things. It's nothing to criticize. Move on to something you BOTH enjoy. Trust me, you'll come upon a situation you personally can't handle, and you'll be glad of having someone tell you that you aren't defective/wimpy/whatever.
Establishing Limits
 Everyone has things they just do not enjoy. BDSM doesn't change that. Make sure you establish a set of limits before you even think about embarking on a session. Be honest with yourself and your partner or the experience will not be all it could. If you dislike being struck a certain way or with certain objects, let your dominant know this. If you don't, there are very good odds that you will regret it. Discuss these things honestly and openly with your partner so that s/he knows what you do and do not want. As a Dominant, I am frustrated by not knowing how far I can go, or what I am expected to do. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit this. If you or your partner cannot honestly set down your limits and respect them, then maybe bondage isn't for you or them. Once the relationship develops into a 24/7 lifestyle the sub may become a slave.  When this happens the slave allows any and all things from the Dominate. However the Dominate will feel devotion to the slave and to be sure limits are not pressed too much.
REMEMBER: When you dominate somebody, you need to be INCREDIBLY AWARE of EVERYTHING that is happening in the scene. If you slack on this issue, you could end up seriously injuring your partner mentally or physically. Being a TOP does have it's rewards, but eternal vigilance is the price you pay for being in charge.
 When securing your submissive, pay close attention to how tightly you tie them. Make sure that you do not cut off circulation or stretch muscles too much. Ignoring this can lead to embarrassing hospital trips, not to mention possible permanent damage to nerves.  When using handcuffs, the standard police issue handcuffs can sometimes cut the nerve of sensation from the wrist to the thumb.   Also, handcuffs that do not have a small chain between them (these are usually attached to each other by a hinge that can fold the cuffs together) can be dangerous. If somebody falls while wearing them, they can break a wrist. If using hoods or gags, be very sure that the person who wears these objects can breathe freely. If they can not, adjust the hood or gag until they can. Asphyxiation is a terrible way to die.   If you're using a rubber ball gag, it's a good idea to use one with snaps on the strap instead of buckles, in case there's an accident, and you need to get the sub out of the gag quickly. Always use a safe word or signal to halt play in bad situations. When you can't talk be sure sure you can snap your fingers to indicate to the domme that there is a problem. It can save your relationship or even save your life.
 Never leave a bound submissive alone in a room. Not only is this emotionally dangerous, but physically as well. This goes double for someone who is gagged and bound.    If your bondage play includes sex, always make sure you practice safety measures like condoms, spermicidal gels, etc. Always make sure you are tested regularly for STDs like herpes or AIDS and that your partner does likewise.  When using toys like vibrators, vampire gloves, butt plugs, or anything else that has the possibility of getting bodily fluids on it, make sure you WASH IT after EVERY use. Whether or not you continue to use it on the same partner, you still need to make sure everything is clean. Infection in those  "oh-so-tender" areas can be at least annoying, and at most debilitating until they go away. If you do have multiple partners, it's a good idea to use completely  different implements on them. Latex can only stop so much folks...It's better to be safe than sorry.   Always make sure that you are with a consenting partner, and that all of your activities are mutually consensual.

11/25/2008 3:57:48 PM

Tequila Holiday Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fri**ing fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
THAPPY HANKSGIVING!


11/22/2008 7:13:02 AM

How To Spot An Abuser http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/gentlespiritspotabuser.htmAuthor: gentle^spirit © 2004
 Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.
 We may have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above. But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an abuser.
 I wish the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would teach these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper choices in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed out the abuser from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys out there.
HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST
1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person?
2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
3. Do you catch this person in lies?
4. Are you this person's only friend?
5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
7. Is this person mean to animals?
8. Is this person subject to road rage?
9. Does this person anger easily?
10. Does this person hold grudges?
11. Does this person express their anger physically?
12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
13. Is this person jealous of your friends and relatives?
14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?
15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
17. Is this person totally fixated on you?
18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
19. Is this person co-dependent?
20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell you to just “trust them”?
25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
27. Does this person take your money?
28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see or go to the movie of their choice?
29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY objected?
30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you?
32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll and Hyde)?
34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up on you to make sure?
35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail? Listen to your phone calls?
36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows?
 Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
 If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.
 Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.
 Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.


11/21/2008 9:15:34 AM

Eight Techniques For Maintaining Trust and Communication During A Scene http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/chrismtechniques.htmAuthor: Chris M. © 2002
 During an SM scene it is the top who guides the bottom through the ordeal, seducing their consent, then challenging their ability to endure through carefully modulated technique. How much is enough? How much is too much? To know, the top must be able to read the bottom's reactions and assess how the scene is going for them. Is their confidence and strength soaring upwards, ready for more? Just hanging steady? Or is it plummeting like a stone? Are they ready for a hard push, or do they need to be pulled back from the edge? Is the scene moving too slowly? Too fast? And what about trust? Has something unnoticed by the top jeopardized the bottom's confidence in the tops ability or intent? To sculpt the SM experience, mere technique is not enough. We must be able to look into the bottom's soul and know with some degree of accuracy, what they are feeling. Particularly when the action gets aggressive.
 The key to the dance is staying in step with your partner. The top leads; the bottom follows - dancing backwards and on high heels - trusting the guidance of the lead. The lead dancer is certainly chief and director of the action. But it takes two. It's not merely the skill of the lead, but the synergy between both dancers, that can make a scene pure physical poetry, or an embarrassing botch. When I hear tops complaining about having to use safewords, or worse still, boasting about ignoring them, I always think of a lead dancer who performs his own part brilliantly, oblivious to his partner stumbling gracelessly all over the floor. Ignoring the question of whether your bottom is in trouble, or pretending not to notice, is not the attitude of an experienced dominant, but the hallmark of the self-infatuated rookie top.
 If we always knew what our partner is thinking and feeling, safewords, pre scene negotiations would never be necessary. For the rest of us, however, we must master the protocols of how the scene is going from our partners point of view. The remainder of this paper will outline nine techniques for making better communication possible while the scene is underway.
 1) Safewords: Since we are already talking of safewords, lets address them first. Traditionally, "Yellow" or "mercy" is a plea to slow down, that the bottoms endurance is being challenged. "Red" "limit" or "safeword" means the bottom's endurance has been exhausted, possibly trust too, which is far more serious, and demands a full stop for renewed negotiation. In one form or another, most players incorporate safewords into their negotiations as a safety precaution, whether or not they are used. While everyone is different, I think it gives the bottom extra security, and buys a little more trust, deepening, not cheapening the scene. Safewords are especially useful for nervous bottoms who may take great comfort in knowing that breathing room is available at the drop of a word. It can really kill the scene if the bottom gets locked onto some distraction like numb hands, a panic attack, a cramp, vertigo, nausea, or incontinence. The bottom may feel that a negotiated limit is being infringed on, fear they are being marked when they absolutely must not be, or be aware of some other issue requiring the tops attention. The ritual space of the scene can be difficult to restore, once the mood has been broken. Ideally, safewords permit the top to rescue the scene before it breaks, allowing the scene to continue once the issue is resolved.
 Admittedly it can go too far. Some tops are driven to distraction by bottoms that get real picky about how they want to be "done". I don't believe that bottoms should abuse the privilege of being able to push "pause" and in my experience they generally do not. Most bottoms want only a break pedal, not a ripcord. The purpose of "yellow" is not for the bottom to flag mistakes. Nor is the goal of a "red" to fire the top. Safewords should be thought of as tools for sustaining the magic of the scene by alerting the top before he steers the bottom smack into an iceberg. With this in mind, the bottom should strive for both strength and honesty about how they are handling the sensation load.
 Some tops, mercifully a small (though loud) minority have fixated on the idea that cherishing consent is a threat to their dominance- refusing safewords, limits, negotiation, playing a high stakes game of all or nothing. But ignoring the bottoms reaction is a bad habit to get into. It is lazy on the tops part, and frankly makes for a wimpy dom, although the intent of this posturing is quite the opposite. A top who cannot work with the constraints of maintaining a bottom's consent throughout a scene is either inept, having a bad day, or insecure to a point where I would question their fitness to lead. Another possibility is that they are really not very interested in playing with you and are unconcerned whether the two of you play or not.
 A responsible hot top will want to know how the scene is going for their bottom partner. And a responsible top will be ready to throttle back and wait if their partner gets flustered or lost in a way that hurts the scene (In fairness some bottoms love feeling flustered and lost. Some bottoms hate feeling that way but love pleasing their partner so much that they are willing to endure it. To each their own)
 2) Wait Signals: This technique was first committed to print by leatherman extraordinaire Guy Baldwin. It was aimed at impact play but can be adapted for a wide variety of scenes. It involves the coordination of protocol between top and bottom without the use of spoken safewords. During the scene the bottom keeps the top appraised of their readiness through the use of a prearranged nonverbal "wait" cue such as clenched fists, or a foot tipped forward on its toe. This signal is recognized by the top as a request for time before throwing the next blow, next needle, or next flood of sensation. It works like this: First the bottom provides a "ready" cue, a signal that they are ready to be hit. Next comes the stroke, and while the bottom is absorbing the blow they give the "wait cue", clenching fists, tipping their foot or whatever they've agreed on. When the bottom is ready for more they withdraw the wait cue, and the top continues.
 I know a couple in New York that use this approach. Their playroom has a chain that hangs diagonally from one corner of the living room to the other. Grabbing the overhead chain for balance, the bottom stands on a short bench. While he is up there, his top can have at him, and cascades of stinging blows cover his body like rain. On the bench, the bottom moves with fantastic, slow grace; it looks like Tai Chi, or ballet slowed way down. His "wait signal" is stepping off the bench. When the sensations build to overload and he needs a break, he just steps down and the blows halt instantly. He stands next to his master recovering his breath and when he's ready he hoists himself up and the action continues. It's some of the most beautiful SM I've ever watched.
 3) Try it in Teaspoons: A basic tidbit of SM motherhood, is to start slow, build slow. Don't go charging in with the battle axe. A good way to ruin the mood of a scene, is to tee off with play that is uncomfortably intense, before you really know how much your partner in SM can take. Seduce consent. Go slowly, even when the ultimate intent is a heavy scene. When I'm doing a single tail scene I always start out gently (Sometimes when playing with an anxious newbie I will stop after four or five feather delicate caresses, say we're done and that she can tell everyone she was single tailed by me). Not only does starting off slowly acclimate the bottom to the sensations being administered as they grow from mild to wild, but it also lets the top observe first hand where the bottom's limits are, where "ooh" turns to "ouch!". Furthermore, by varying the intensity just below the bottom's limits the top can actually seduce the trust and comfort that permit the bottom to move beyond those limits allowing hotter and more intense scenes. So with each new technique, try it in teaspoons, instead of a fire hydrant blast. You can always pump up the action later.
 4) Honor Bondage: Honor bondage essentially dispenses with physical bondage from the SM scene. Instead of using cuffs or rope, the bottom is requested to hold a fixed position through their own force of will. Honor Bondage is not a communication technique so much as it is a way to: 1) let a bottom experience SM without the added intimidation of bondage: or 2) to entrust some responsibility to the bottom. In theory, this allows the bottom the option of leaving if they loose faith in the scene. Some bottoms may find honor bondage preferable when playing with tops they don't know well. This is not universally great advice. Bondage can provide both support and prevent the bottom from suddenly lurching into harms way, so I don't recommend this for heavy play where the bottom's motor control may be compromised but for beginners it can make a scary scene more palatable.
 5) Gauging the play: A useful trick. Ask the bottom to verbally gauge the intensity (of a whipstroke, electrical play, or tight bondage) on a scale of one to ten. If they answer "nine and a half", you know you are nearing their present limits. If the answer is "one" you can ramp up the action. Its not a bad idea to sprinkle gauging requests throughout the scene, to keep communications clear and strong.
 6) Check-ins: Check ins are periodic breaks in the action where the top does a spot examination of the bottoms condition. Basically move in close and ask "How are you doing?" Check-ins are a good habit to form, and should probably be done in some form every fifteen minutes or so. Stay in character, when you do so it doesn't come across as a jolt.: Soft voice, some touching, perhaps some encouraging, nasty words on how good they look all tied up. You can also do check-ins that are nonverbal: check breathing, squeezing the hands to see if they feel cool, offer a sip of water. You don't need to overdo it; check to see if there is a problem, so you can fix it if you need to.
 7) Count downs, and time outs: Another way to maintain contact between partners is to build scenes from discrete time blocks, either using a timer, spoken count downs, or a stated number of blows before a break. Birthday spankings fall in this category. Corporal punishment, often administered six blows at a time, also qualifies. Tickling someone mercilessly until the second hand circles the dial gives the bottom the promise of eventual relief at a fixed point in time. A nice technique is to ask the bottom for a number to use as the basis for a count down or a time limit. This allows the bottom some measure of control in how long they must wait until the next break. Short counts are best for beginners or people you haven't played with before. As the scene progresses the top may repeat the counts making them incrementally longer.
 For a more aggressive scene these boundaries can be advisory, and not binding. The top may choose to ignore the clock, set the secondhand back, or continue ministrations past the end of a time limit. The top may multiply the count given by the bottom, begin again for some made up offense, repeat numbers, or start counting in fractions to prolong the bottoms ordeal.
 8) Cultivate Play relationships: Of all the techniques we've discussed, the best way to read your partner is to know them extremely well. Experience will show you how to read your partner, know where they are, where they are headed, how hard to push, when to ease off, and how to rejuvenate their courage, consent and will to continue. Over the course of many scenes, you learn your partners limits, idiosyncrasies, responses, tastes, share their fantasies, and learn the nuance and sensitivity that separates the greatest SM from the run of the mill. Scenefolk who have played together for years often develop a near psychic ability to read and anticipate their partner's responses.
 Knowing someone and becoming known by them, also forms a natural basis for trust, which makes more challenging dungeon work possible. It can even result in the necessary trust to dispense with safewords and to turn responsibility for the scene entirely to the tops shoulders. This is entirely up to the people in charge but such a decision must be reached jointly.


11/20/2008 7:53:04 AM
Negotiation Checklist
http://www.bdsmsocal.com/NegotiationChecklist.txt
Sharing with someone... especially for the first time is very uncertain and a LOT scary.  There are so many questions, and it does take time to get to know the likes/dislikes, and reactions of your partner.  Communication is SO important!!!  Some people feel uncomfortable talking about these things... others are just not sure 'what' to ask or tell. 

The following checklist was submitted by MasterKnots.  It is a comprehensive list of things your partner should know BEFORE playing.  Please let us know what you think and if you have any additions for the list.  Thanks MK!!!!  *tight hugs* it's GREAT!

Please.... ALWAYS follow smart safety rules... if you need help deciding or KNOWING what is safe... come visit us in #Bondage&Discipline and chat.  You/re important to us!

To receive a text copy of this checklist, email your request to us OR just print this page.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This NEGOTIATION CHECKLIST is  to be used by a submissive and dominant before a scene.  This form is not all encompassing, and should not replace communication between all members involved.  Place any comments or restrictions next the item it concerns.

Who will participate?

Who may watch? 

Who may not watch?

Are photos or videos allowed?

Will the submissive obey orders promptly?

Will the submissive resist?

May the dominant overpower the submissive?

May the submissive resist verbally?              Physically?

What are the safe words for Stop?               Slow down?                     Go ahead?              If the sub is gagged?

Will the submissive wear a collar?

How shall the dominant be addressed?

Where shall the scene take place?                                                     Times?

If an unintentional incident should take place, does everyone agree to discuss the matter without blame?

Does the submissive have any medical problems?

Does the submissive wear or use any items that may interfere with play, such as contacts or braces?

Does the submissive have any implants (i.e. breast implants)?

Is the submissive taking any medication?

Is the submissive allergic to anything?

Does the submissive have any phobias or fears that may interfere with play?

Does the dominate have any medical conditions that could endanger the sub (i.e., prone to seizures while a sub is restrained?)

Will the submissive use any safety measures such as a safe call?

Does any participant have a sexually transmitted disease?

What type of bondage do the submissive and dominant agree to?

      Hands behind the back

      Hands in front

      Elbows

      Ankles

      Knees

      Hands to ankles

      Tied to bed

      Tied to bondage equipment

      Suspension

      Mummification

      Other

Should the bondage be?

      Escapable

      Inescapable

      Tight

      Loose

      Other

What type of equipment do the dominate and submissive agree to use?

      Saint Andrews Cross

      Spanking Bench

      Bondage Horse

      Stocks/Pillory

      Spreader Bars

      Chairs

      Bed

      Other

What types of gear to the dominate and submissive agree to?

      Cuffs       Types?

      Ropes

      Chains

      Gags              Types?

      Blindfolds

      Hoods

      Pony Gear

      Arm Binders

      Strap

      Other

What levels of pain does the submissive and dominate accept? ***WARNING pain levels tend to be subjective***

      None        Low         Medium      High

What types of toys do the submissive and dominate agree to?

      Spanking    Hand      Paddle

      Crops

      Doggin' Bats (Slappers)

      Floggers

      Cat-o-nines

      Whips (single tail)

      Canes

      Straps and belts

      Nipple clamps

      Genital clamps

      Other clamps

      Other

What areas may be subjected to pain?

      Butt

      Upper thighs

      Lower thighs

      Bottom of feet

      Genitals

      Breasts

      Upper back (not to include the spine)

      Lower back (not safe play)

      Stomach (not safe for anything but light whipping)

      Face (not safe play)

      Other

What types of marks are acceptable?

      None

      Redness only

      Bruises

      Welts

      Broken skin

      Abrasions

      Cutting

      Branding

      Other

Areas Marks are acceptable

      None

      None visible in a bikini

      None visible in shorts and a short sleeve shirt

      None visible in pants and a short sleeve shirt

      None visible in pants and a long sleeve shirt

      Any

Types of sex acceptable

      None

      Hands to breasts

      Hands to genitals

      Fellatio (Blow jobs)

Cunnilingus (Eating out)

      Intercourse

      Anal

      Dildos

      Vibrators      vaginal           anal

      Fisting           vaginal           anal

      Other

Will protection be used?    What type?

What types of erotic humiliation do the submissive and dominant agree to?

      Water play

      Verbal abuse

      Exhibitionism       Private           Public

      Waxing

      Ice Cubes

What type of play do the submissive and dominant agree to?

      Knife      For dramatic effect only

      Knife/scalpel for cutting

      Electrical  TENS        Violet Wand

      Medical scenes

      Fire

      Other

What is the experience level of the submissive?

What is the experience level of the dominant?

***WARNING - years of experience do not mean the submissive or dominant is competent. ***

 

Other concerns

 

Other restrictions

11/19/2008 7:19:04 AM
Old  Age, I decided, is a  gift.

I am now, probably  for the first time in my life, the person I have  always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime  moan about my body, the wrinkles, the baggy  eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken  aback by that old person that lives in my mirror  (who looks like my  mother
/father!),  but I don't agonize over those  things for long.
I  would never trade my amazing family, my  wonderful friends, my great life for less gray  hair, more hair, or a flatter belly. As  I've  aged, I've become more kind  to myself, and less
critical  of myself. I've become my own  friend.

I  don't  chide myself
for  eating that extra cookie, or for not making my  bed, or for buying that silly three story  birdhouse that I didn't need, but looks so  cool in my yard. I am entitled to a treat, to be  messy, to be extravagant.

I
have  seen too many dear friends leave this world too  soon; before they understood the great freedom  that comes with aging.

Whose  business is it if I choose to read or play on  the computer until 4 AM and sleep until  noon?


I  will dance with
myself  to those wonderful tunes of the  50's  60's  &70's, and if I, at the  same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I  will.

I  will walk the beach in a swimsuit that is  stretched over a bulging body, and will dive  into the waves with abandon if I choose to,  despite the pitying glances from the jet set  

They,  too, will get old before they know it.

I  know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again,  some of life is just as
well  forgotten. And I eventually remember the  important things.

Sure,  over the years my heart has been broken. How can  your heart not break when you lose a  loved
one,  or when a child suffers, or even when your  beloved pet dies? But broken hearts are what  give us strength and understanding and  compassion. A heart never broken is pristine  and sterile  and will never know the joy of being  imperfect.

I  am so blessed to have lived long enough to have  my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful  laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my  face. So many have never laughed, and so many  have died before their hair could turn  silver.

As  you get
older,  it is easier to be positive. You care a lot less  about what other people  think. I don't question  myself anymore. I've even earned the  right to be wrong on  occassion.
  
So,  I like being old. It has set me  free. I  like the person I have become. I am not going to  live forever, but  while I am still here, I will not waste time  lamenting what could have been, or worrying  about what will be. And I shall eat dessert  every single day.
(If  I feel like it)

MAY  OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN  IT'S  STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A  RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND  IN
 YOUR  HEART...

11/18/2008 11:50:33 AM

What is True Infantilism?
Written by Kathi Stringer http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/regression/infantilism.htm
Introduction
 There is remarkably little information on this subject. For this reason it may be helpful to establish a criteria to recognize infantilism.
 The onset of true infantilism is marked by earliest of memories fantasizing of regressive dependencies. Usually always during early childhood & youth the individual believes they are isolated and alone with these regressive desires, and that no one else in the world is like them. These individuals for the most part keep their pervasive symptoms of needing to act-out the regression hidden from family, friends and significant others. A common theme revolves around wearing diapers, which in most cases will give rise toward a role-identification of an infantile personality. Over time the behavior in most all cases will expand to include other infantile objects such as pacifiers, baby blankets, baby bottles and soft stuffed figures.
Transitional Object vs. Fetish
 A person may view true infantilism mistakenly for a fetish. There is a stark difference since the desire for the object occurred before puberty [2,4,5]. For example, the diaper may be regarded as a symbolic formation to ward of insecurities [4] and becomes a transitional object for a child [6]. In strivings toward independence personality fragments may fuse with objects that represent nurturing [7]. It appears to provide a sense of control for the child to revisit a period that is widely accepted in our culture as nurturing. The energized transitional object offers relief from separation anxieties from the maternal figure and/or provides a sense of recreation of a period lost in grief.
The Abuse Connection
 In some instances when abuse or neglect has traumatized a child [1], the small child may identify with toddlers in neighboring families and yearn for the same infantile attention. The child may secretly wish to exchange places and experience being diapered, cuddled, fed and nurtured as a renewed experience from a failed situation [8]. The observance of the attentive maternal figure construes as representation for the unconditional love longed for in a healthy environment. This longing may become fixated in the individual’s core developmental structures [3] since it provided a coping mechanism in absent of the good-enough mother. In essence, the fantasy of receiving infantile attention helped the child survive and to emotionally refuel during a chaotic period. In most case these mechanisms will continue to manifest by way of recurring infantile fantasies through out the life cycle of the individual.
The Libidinous Component
 As the infantile child moves through the latency period into adolescence, it is not uncommon for the transitional objects to remain with greater influence. After all, the infantile fantasy has been repeated many times along with its vicissitudes and is now firmly imprinted into the psychopathic structure. In some individuals, once libidinous gratification is augmented and integrated with the existing infantile fantasy, a new association emerges. The existing fantasy that provided a cathexis for emotional refueling is now set into motion with the more satisfying libido component. Essentially, the pre-libidinous transitional object takes on a new dynamic to relieve anxieties and to satisfy cognitive patterns set in childhood. It is not unreasonable to conclude that the fantasies imbued with the transitional object will become more concretized when intermittently connected to the libido drives.
Fragmentation and a Continuous Sense of Self
 It is not uncommon for the infantile individual to become despondent from impinging feelings of guilt. After all, they may think that children do grow up one day and they have failed miserably.
 Some infantile individuals tend to look at life as ‘all or nothing’ terms. Either I am all regressed and unable to function, or, I am all grownup and must purge all the transitional objects. This thinking is much like a toddler uses in the defense of ‘splitting’[5]. A toddler relates to the world in all or nothing terms..i.e..”I love Mommy” or “I hate Mommy.” A toddler is unable to tolerate conflict or ambivalence and becomes unmanageable at times with temper tantrums since the anxiety is too overwhelming [5]. In succinct, the infantile individual that is either engulfed with regression or defiant of infantile longings is behaving age appropriately with the toddler.
 More desirable and since regression is an enduring imprint, it cannot be ignored. To bring infantile wishes in harmony with a higher level functioning, a comprise must be reached. This understanding of one’s complexities gives way to a more continuous sense-of-self.
Dependency vs. Nurturing
 Most infantile individuals incorporate a maternal figure into the childhood fantasy. This becomes a problem since to achieve a realistic experience the individual may seek out a mother figure and become depressed in her absence. It is for this reason I would like to point out a compelling difference between dependency and nurturing.
 Dependency engenders neediness [3] and a notion that one cannot be nurtured without the presence of another individual. This is a false assumption that may lead to desperation. A belief that infantile expressions can never be meaningful unless dependent other others can be catastrophic. Dependency creates a dependency on others for happiness.
 The infantile individual can nurture themselves with the advantage and use of transitional objects. The individual can simply be himself or herself and find happiness in being alive and able to experience regressive nurturing introspectively. An acceptance of self is the most nurturing aspect of life.
A Helpful Analogy
 I’ll concrete this a bit further. Transitional Objects, a term coined by Winnicott, is an object of attachment that the infant uses to provide relief. In true infantilism, a diaper is a transitional object from ‘earliest’ memories….and holds a primary meaning of comfort and nurturing rather then a secondary sexual object.
 This analogy may help to clarify true infantilism. A transvestite wears women’s clothing for sexual gratification, and clearly a fetish. On the other hand a transsexual wears women’s clothing from the desire to ‘become’ a woman and some cases with SRS the transformation is complete, and this is not a fetish for a transsexual. I see true infantilism as more connected to the transsexual aspect of this analogy. In essence, for the true infantile individual, a diaper is not a fetish but rather a Transitional Object with it’s origins in early childhood.
Therapy and Treatment
 There is no known cure for true infantilism. Its patterns and deliveries to satisfy infantile longings are set firmly into place. It appears to become problematic when situations place an emphasis for disclosure…i.e. getting engaged or getting married. The infantilized individual grapples for a decision because fears of ashamedness, rejection, abandonment and exploitation are commonly associated with past developmental struggles in childhood. It brings to surface a terrifying risk that the new partner or family member will misunderstand and take the position it is a bizarre perverted derangement and action to crush the behavior is paramount.
 As stated, there is no known cure and treatment toward self-acceptance and individuality may ameliorate destructive wishes and behavior. Acceptance may resolve self-hatred and command the unrelenting forces of the cultural inner critic to subside. Since the personality is fused with the nurturing transitional object, in would not be therapeutic to destroy, purge, annihilate or defeat the mechanism that has provided some emotional stability for the individual. It would equate to most as wiping out the inner child.
 One treatment modality may be applicable. A healthy balance is to be encouraged to help an individual from completely giving in to regressive behaviors. Introduce exercises to limit the fantasies to diminish pervasive regressive behavior since engulfment may create a larger abyss that is not grounded in reality.
Conclusion
 I don't see how a therapist can help with regression, at least from my experience.....UNLESS, the therapist is there to help with self-acceptance and validation. Once one can accept self, then the forces are not so relentless......it brings a feeling of.....I am okay....I am a unique individual and it is okay to be me. If you can accept that, then life becomes more rewarding, and that inner child becomes loved. Each needs their own time. One should not starve the other, or put guilt on the other.....you are what you are.
Written by Kathi Stringer and may be reproduced for personal use with credits attached.


11/17/2008 8:36:29 AM

http://www.darknursery.com/indexb.php
 Infantilism is sometimes viewed controversially in part because many people honestly, yet mistakenly, make a connection with pedophilia, because it involves the ‘concept’ of child/baby or child-likeness / baby-likeness.
 Nothing could be farther from the truth, as someone with a background in psychology, I assure you of this. I’ll try and outline why this is the case, in as clear and logical way as possible, for people who wish to try and gain a better understanding. Since there is such a big mistaken link to pedophilia, I’d like to get into some detail about why there really is -no- connection here In any way shape or form, so bear with me.
 Perhaps the simplest way to explain it is that the sick people who abuse children sexually, pedophiles, are acting out in a sexually aggressive, controlling, dominating fashion, and are attracted to children as their victims because they are easy to over power, they want to dominate, want to control, want to dis-empower others and gain power over. When a pedophile seeks out victims, they often pick children who are extra-vulnerable children, children that already have been abused, children with low self-esteem, children that have been psychologically damaged. This is why classically a child that is sexually abused, usually faces the horror of multiple abusers in their childhood.
 Infantilists, those who engage in age play, are doing ~exactly the opposite~
 They want to submit, they want to be small, powerless, child-like, infantile, they want all power and responsibility removed from them. They don’t want to hurt or molest or sexualize children, they want to regress to a childlike emotional and mental state of ultimate submission and vulnerability, of innocence. Why does this process get sexualized? I’m not entirely sure, and it doesn’t for all infantilists and age players, some people who regress do not engage in sexual activity when regressed, do not find it arousing, and don’t connect sexual feelings to it. Many however, do. These are sexually submissive individuals in which regression connects them to the very beginnings of the sexual stirrings that happened within them when they were infants or children. Like all the various sexual orientations, alternative sexual ‘wiring’ we come with, paraphilia’s, fetishes, etc, etc, labels galore, these leanings are pretty hard wired, they are not ‘choices’, and they are not things people can generally ‘change’ ~ how they choose to act on their desires and in some cases, such as this, their core identities, can vary.
 Because the underlying power dynamic in Infantilism is one of submission, rather than of domination - as would be found in pedophilia, it’s opposite, often Infantilists and those interested in role play are also interested in BDSM and almost always identify as submissives/bottoms.
 On another note, do -not- assume then that individuals who are top, dominant, into BDSM, and who play at Daddy or Mommy to adult babies, or adult kids or adult teens, do -not- assume, that these people are pedophiles, redirecting their interests towards adults. These are individuals who are interested in the domination of individuals, consenting adult individuals, with which they can dominate them through regressive disciplines and actions. You can’t regress a child or infant, they are already regressed. Just as people in the BDSM scene who keep human ‘dogs’ or human ‘ponies’ these people are not people into bestiality, they are people who enjoy the process of making others submit by undergoing a transformation process. Forced Feminization, Regression, dog collars, leashes and bowls, harnesses and stables, are about symbolically dominating the submissive. Most Adult Babies, and age-players, cannot ‘pass’ for actual children, which makes them pretty unappealing prey for a pedophile trying to sublimate their inappropriate desires. Classically, pedophiles would -not- seek out a consensual age play arrangement, they don’t want consent! Also, they would not want to associate themselves with the high profile BDSM community. Instead, a pedophile trying to sublimate inappropriate desires would be much more likely to go for a ‘mainstream’ relationship with an emotionally immature individual who is small in stature, vulnerable, has a history of abuse, who has childlike characteristics in personality and appearance. Petite young looking women and men that are -just- of legal age, and look young for their age, that are basically emotionally vulnerable and will allow themselves to bullied and abused. That is of course, if the pedophile isn’t going after his preferred targets of innocent children. Most Infantilists and people involved in age-play actively, have had quite the journey into exploring themselves and their interests in order to decide to build a relationship around it, to the degree that it would require a certain amount of emotional maturity and self empowerment and stability to come to terms with, accept, and then act on to create a consensual relationship built around the infantilism and age play - the opposite profile of the type of adult a pedophile would sublimate to.
 I personally am of the strong belief, that it is better by far, to accept your orientations, sexually, gender identity, fetish, paraphilia, etc, and find positive ways to integrate it appropriately into your life in such a way to enjoy it and embrace it. Than to feel guilt, agony, anguish, struggle and relentless negative obsession about the fact that you are the way you are, and try to repress it. What that actually looks like in terms of what people do, is going to vary. Many people who are Infantilists, or into age play, truly feel their identity is better represented by the age they feel regressed to. Just as transgendered individuals feel they are more truly the opposite of the bio-gender they were assigned, some of those involved with Infantilism and age play, feel they are transgenerational. In fact, many of them are both transgendered and transgenerational. Others, may not have this degree of regression that is so pervasive as to encompass their entire sense of personal identity, some may have this partially, or may only have related fetishes to the state of regression - Diaper Fetish is a particulalry common one, others often include, bed wetting, water sports, scat play, thumb sucking, pacifiers, dolls, plushies and teddy bears… whatever you can imagine being a strong symbolic image of ‘baby-hood’ or childhood may become a sexualized fetish object. Diversity, is nature’s gift.
 For those who are threatened, repulsed, angered, or afraid, or otherwise upset by the concept of Infantilism and Age Play, I would ask you, to ask yourself - why? It may be because you’ve had some misconceptions, which hopefully now have been cleared. It may also be because the whole process of regression is an incredibly powerful and intense topic, I think one that stirs heavy emotions, positive or negative, in those who explore the possibilities. Infancy and childhood is the foundation of our lives, when we are most vulnerable and tender, and anything associated with that time in our lives becomes ~big~ It was when our very sense of self developed and formed. Everyone has childhood ‘issues’ has emotionally intense connections to their beginnings. The time we moved from innocence into awareness. It’s a big issue. Educate yourself, most importantly, educate yourself from the inside out. Look to your own past, your own inner child, your own desires and longings, fears and repulsions.
 Accept yourself, and try, to accept others, we are who we are.
If you are curious about my explorations into Infantilism and Age Play, by all means, you can visit my new site, The Dark Nursery, like my other sites, it is primarily about exploration, celebration, and -enjoyment- of ones orientation/fetish/paraphilia, I think one of the best ways to learn, is the one we come with innately - play. Children learn through the process we call ‘play’ - a wonderful concept that mixes engaging in activities, exploring, and enjoying the process. So this site is more of an ‘adult entertainment’ site than an educational one in a traditional sense, because ultimately, I think we can learn more through the ‘doing’ the enjoyable explorative play, than by the analysis of things.
 I still dream of owning property one day, with a big BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Estate/Resort on it, where there will most certainly be one day a big real life nursery, where Adult Babies, and Adult Children, can come and get away, and just be.
 We all need space in our lives, physical, emotional, spiritual, in which we can simply be, who we are.

Leila Raven (Mistress Mommy Katt)


11/16/2008 10:12:31 AM

Safe scenning, or how to do crazy stuff tomorrow again...
http://www.the-vox.com/safescenes.shtml

  As I've said before (and will probably say again :) safety is, or should be, our main concern when we set up a scene. Safety isn't only learning how to use a toy in the right way so as not to harm the subbie when we use it on her, but it is also setting the scene, and the things around it, in a way that will be safe for all. So...what does this imply? A lot of work, believe it or not.

    One thing, tho...I am not gonna talk about how to do any kinds of play, just about how to get everything in order for it to be safe. I don't think this website is the place for you to learn how to use a toy or do any certain kind of play, but how to do it safely once you have the basic knowledge. If you don't have the basic knowledge, there are plenty of good books out there that you can read, and, even better, there are always people willing to teach newbies...find your local BDSM group and ask for help there.

    I've found out during the years that the main reason for lack of safety during a scene is not because the Dom didn't know how to use a flogger or a paddle or a buggywhip, but because he was too lazy to make sure that everything around the scene was safe. I've seen lots of things go wrong during a scene, and preventing that kind of stuff is what this page is all about :)

    One of the most important parts about setting up a scene is securing your surroundings. That means making sure you can't accidentally start a potentially hazardous situation (those lighted candles on the headboard look cool, but what will happen when you hit them with the flogger by mistake and they fall down on the bed?), making sure you have at least the basic safety stuff handy (extinguisher if you play with fire, first aid kit, surgical scissors, extra sets of keys for every lock, etc.), and, more than anything else, make sure you THINK safe.

    Thinking safe means to always double-check every thing that may become a hazard for your sub. Just like you check the ropes to make sure they are not too tight (you do that every so often during a scene, don't you? :) you should also check around you whenever you take a breather from the scene..check your subbie, then check around...make sure all the bolts that hold your subbie suspended are still safely in place, the candles still in their place, the wooden paddle hasn't cracked (I once hit a subbie with a wooden paddle that had a small crack that I hadn't seen...she didn't like the splinters one bit)...in other words...if everything started safely, don't let it become unsafe by not checking every once in a while, just like you do with your subbie.

    Another important aspect about scene safety is the need for appropriate equipment. By this I don't mean that you have to create a dungeon in your house so you can play, but that you should use equipment you have in ways it was intended to be used, or in way that you have tested it's safe to use it. That hook the previous occupant of the house used to hang a plant from may not be strong enough to suspend your girl from, you know?

    Same applies to that pretty TV-dinner table...it may be the perfect height for you to bind your subbie on top of it and have fun, but...what was made to hold a plate and a glass may not take the weight of your subbie (or of the two of your together, if you know what I mean ;)

    Test every piece of furniture that you are going to use during a scene. Make sure the table holding your candles for waxplay is placed out of the way when you are gonna use your flogger, make sure the bolts you are gonna suspend (totally or partially) your subbie from are secure and strong enough to hold her without getting loose, etc. Nothing breaks the mood of a scene worse than a subbie breaking an arm or a leg (or worse) when the suspension bolts give up.

    Just as important is to make sure you have everything you intend to use ready to be used. Interrupting a scene for an hour while you sterilize your knife for that knifescene isn't the best way to set the mood :)

    There's one aspect of play most of us forget, and that is to check with our sub/playpartner the kind of allergies she has. Many of us use different chemicals (lubricants, whipped cream, etc) on our subs while playing, and it can become a hard thing for the sub to explain to the doc why she has that ugly looking rash in her labia or anus :)

    Another very important aspect, that most of us forget, is to give our sub a way out in case she needs to free herself during a scene. Have you ever heard the joke about the guy who died while having sex with a bound woman and her dieing of starvation? Well...in Mexico we say that when the river makes noise is because it has water...that means...it can be true...and even if it isn't, you don't want to be the one to make it true, right? :)

    So....if you are gonna use cuffs and locks to bind your subbie, leave a pair of keys in a place she can get to them and free herself if needed. If you are gonna use ropes, leave a pair of blunt-tipped scissors in a place she can reach to if she needs em. If you are gonna suspend her, don't lock the cuffs to the chain. Use a hook like the ones used for climbing at the end of the chain that hangs from the ceiling. That way, if she needs to free herself, she will be able to, but there's no way she'll get loose by accident or during the normal jumping/moving of a scene.


11/15/2008 5:21:44 AM
Bad Dom/mes, Bad Subs and Predators http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/baddom.shtml
by Wizdomme

There's a lot of talk about "Bad Dom" lists, and some such lists actually exist. While there are a lot of "bad doms" around (and "bad dommes" and yes, even "bad subs"), compiling or using such a list as a guide would be pointless.

Before seeking out such a list, consider that names might be placed on it for all the wrong reasons:
  • a personal dislike or vendetta
  • "pay-back" by a rejected partner
  • a bad BDSM experience based on uninformed expectations
  • jealousy, competitiveness, or possessiveness schemes by others
  • simple bad chemistry between two people
This is not to say that there aren't "bad" dom/mes and subs out there; only that distribution of such a list would be counter-productive to safe and enjoyable meetings and would spread unnecessary gossip and rumors. It would smell a lot like the blacklisting of the 50s or even high school popularity contests.

Being placed on such a list would be the equivalent of being named a rapist or child molester in your local community. The innocent can never escape a label like that, and there are other, more sensible and certain methods for dealing with the guilty than to call names.

If you are criminally victimized, report it to the authorities.

But if you meet someone and have a bad experience, if your pride is hurt, if you're embarrassed... learn from it and move on. Raising a "bad dom" alert simply because a person or an experience didn't live up to your expectations is pointless and petty.

If you're considering meeting or scening with someone for the first time, look to your own common sense first: Would you would meet this person if it was not in a BDSM context? Would you have sex with this person if there was not a D/s basis involved? Would you be willing to report non-consensual abuse or rape to the authorities, should such things occur? If you answer no to any of these questions, perhaps you should delay your meeting and examine your motives, or look for someone else.

There are predators out there... there are tragic stories of people being badly beaten, burned, abandoned, and even killed. There are also endless stories of people who no-show for planned meetings -- perhaps your partner isn't taking things as seriously as you think they are. BDSM is not for the naive, or for those seeking love and acceptance at any cost.

There are also many who are over-eager to become submissives, and they're often naive enough to leave themselves wide open for such predators. They're often involved in or just coming out of long-term relationships that have been unfulfilling or even abusive, and they're overwhelmed by the new possibilities they've discovered. They're often eager to dive in head-first, assuming that education and safety are for "everyone else". These wide-eyed innocents can and often do eventually find healthy D/s or BDSM relationships, but often by way of costly or potentially deadly mistakes.

And yes, there are over-eager new dominants also, who run all the same risks, along with the very high potential of unintentionally causing serious physical or emotional harm to another person because they didn't take the time or effort to learn what they're doing. It's not unheard of for new dominants to be taken advantage of in any number of ways by unscrupulous submissives, either.

Before going through with a first-meet or first-scene, do your homework:
  • read and follow the Safety Tips in the D/s Help Info Pack
  • if you're new, learn about the variety of BDSM activities -- a dream scene for some might be a terrifying ordeal for others
  • know what you're getting into
  • dominants should plan the activities carefully, talk them over with the submissive(s), and negotiate anything that's not mutually agreeable
  • submissives should know exactly what to expect
  • both should ask questions about anything that's unclear
  • both should admit uncertainties or inexperience
  • safewords, limits, and transportation should all be decided and agreed upon well in advance
  • if you agree to give or receive personal references, follow them up, and be sure to consider the source: remember that one person's opinion is only that, and may or may not be the same as anyone else's
More than anything, listen to your instincts. Separate your curiosity, impatience and thrill-seeking desires from your sense of true danger potential. If you have any warning flags, examine them before moving on. Some things to ask yourself...

Does he or she:
  • swear they're single, but will only talk to you from work?
  • brush off or refuse to discuss safety concerns?
  • claim to be active in the BDSM club or party scene but won't give references when requested?
  • seem to be less informed than they claim to be?
  • put pressure or coerce you to meet and/or scene before you feel ready?
  • tell you that safewords, public meetings, etc. are only for others and won't agree to them?
  • have different wants or ideas than you about multiple partners vs. exclusive relationships?
  • encourage you to keep your relationship a secret from others?
  • not know about spouses or significant others in your life?
  • refuse to give you their full name or phone number, even after a meeting is planned?
  • know that you are actively seeking out safety information about BDSM and/or checking up on them?
If you met online, does he or she:
  • never join you in public chat areas?
  • change their screenname often?
  • refuse to give you other names they use or have used?
  • "hide out" when online?
Remember that every meeting and every scene carries potential dangers, but there's no need to tip the scales towards problems out of ignorance. Take every precaution you normally would for a vanilla meeting or date, and more. Enjoy yourselves and each other by being safe and informed... and have a great time when you do!

11/13/2008 3:27:18 PM
HOW  TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her.   Dine her.   Call her.    Hold her.  Surprise her.   Compliment her.  Smile at her.    Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.  Romance her.    Encourage her.   Believe in her. Pray with her.   Pray for her.    Cuddle with her.   Shop with her.  Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers.   Hold her hand.  Write love letters to  her.   Go to the ends of the earth and back again for  her.
    
  
 HOW TO TREAT A MAN:  

Show up naked.    Bring chicken wings.   Don't block the TV
.

11/11/2008 5:50:06 PM

Could you have an Internet Addiction?  Some signs to look for -

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't
have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site
address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them
are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral
nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way
back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" --
even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you
never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your
computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to 
search for the "back" button.


11/9/2008 8:42:22 AM

BDSM Education- Creative Toys  
http://www.bdsm-education.com/creativetoys.html
Here is a list of some of the items from our workshops, lectures and demos about ordinary, everyday or easy to find items for play.  We certainly hope we are not the only ones to ever think of or use these items.  To see how these are used in play you will just have to watch us play or come to one of our workshop/lectures/demos.  Keep in mind some of the items can be used in more than one way.
Abrasion toys: 
    Bottle brush
    Brillo pad
    Cheese grater
    Cleaning brushes
    Drumming brushes 
    Fish scaler
    Hairbrush bristles 
    Horse hair
    Meat tenderizer/pounder
    Nail file
    Sand Paper 
    Wire brush
    Zester
For inserting a body part into:
    Cantaloupe (Women aren't the only ones to have fun with fruits/veggies)
    Cardboard tube with tacks pointing inwards
    Squash 
    Vice
    Watermelon
    Insertables:
    Baster
    Bottles (with cap on)
    Candle
    Enema accessories
    Ginger
    Hair brush handle
    High heel
    Funnels
    Magic markers (with cap on)
    Pacifier
    Peppermint candy 
    Screwdriver handle
    Speculum
    Vegetables/Fruits/Meats
    Vibrators
Fishing weights- Hanging from various body parts or to have subbie hold in outstretched arms. 
Poking or pricking toys: 
    Acupuncture instruments 
    Bamboo skewers 
    Chocolate Chipper
    Corkscrew
    Corn cob picks
    Crab fork
    Darts
    Drummers brushes 
    Fondue forks
    Hair clips 
    Knife
    Metal skewers
    Paper clip (opened up)
    Pasta ladle
    Pickle grabber
    Seafood picks
    Scalpel 
    Scissors
    Stainless-steel cocktail picks
    Tweezers
    Tooth picks
    Two pronged BBQ fork
    Veterinarian or Surgical syringe/needles
    Wooden skewers
Sensation Toys (some abrasion toys also work):
    Back scratcher
    Banjo picks 
    Bath sponges
    Basting brush
    Bunny fur
    Credit card
    Drumming brushes 
    Electric toothbrush
    Feathers/Feather boa
    Feather dusters
    Garlic press
    Herb mincer
    Kitchen silverware
    Ice cream scoop with lever
    Ice cube
    Kayak gloves 
    Kosh balls
    Lace
    Leather gloves 
    Lemon/Lime/Orange squeezer
    Nut cracker
    Paint brush
    Pastry wheel 
    Pizza cutter
    Pizza roller
    Rubber thimble (secretaries use these for turning pages)
    Sleep mask 
    Stainless steel ball whisk
    String of pearls 
    Tassels
    Tracing wheel 
    Wire whip
Spanking/impact implements:
    Baseball bat (Nerf makes a great one)
    Belt
    Book
    Bottom of shoe
    Bread/cutting board
    Canoe paddle
    Cardboard tube
    Cookie sheet
    Drum sticks
    Fishing rod
    Fly swatter
    Frying pan
    Hairbrush (back side) 
    Hockey stick
    Licorice whip
    Liter bottle (capped and filled with water or dirt)
    Paint stirrers
    Phone cord 
    Plastic/metal food tray 
    Quarters in a sock or pillow case 
    Rolled newspaper
    Rolling pin
    Ruler (Be careful with metal edged ones)
    Shoe/slipper soles
    Spatula
    Venetian blind rod
    Wet towel
    Windshield wiper blades
    Wooden dowel
    Wooden spoon
    Your hand
    Xylophone mallet
Toys for attaching to body parts: 
    Alligator clips
    Bamboo skewers
    Canning lids
    Chopsticks
    Clamps
    Clips 
    Clothespins
    Dog collar 
    Dog leash 
    Forceps
    Hair clips
    Hose clamps
    Mousetrap
    Rubber bands
    Snake bit kit
    Tape (make sure subbie is not allergic)
    Tea ball strainer
    Tongs
    Vice grips
Toys for tying/binding body parts: 
    Ace bandage
    Belt
    Bungee cord
    Chopsticks
    Dental floss
    Dog leash
    Fishing line
    Jump rope
    Nylons/Pantyhose
    Phone cord
    Rope 
    Rubber bands
    Scarves
    Saran Wrap
    Shoe laces 
    Ties
    Thread
    Vetwrap 
Places you might find the above items.  You might even get inspired and find things to use on your own! 
Antique shop
Art store 
Auto parts shop
Beauty Supply
Cooking/Kitchen store 
Dollar store
Fabric Shop
Fishing/Bait and Tackle shop
Flea Markets
Garage Sales
Grocery store
Hardware store 
Knife shop
Leather shop
Marine supply 
Medical supply
Mountain climbing store
Music store
Pet store
Pharmacy
Radio Shack/Electronic store
Shoe repair shop
Sporting good store 
Stationary store
Tack or Farm supply stores 
Theatrical shop
Thrift shop
Toy store 
Uniform shop
Since the events of 9/11/2001 the way we traveled by plane, train, buses, etc. was changed forever.  You might want to consider the items listed above for your travel play toys.  If you really want your toys along I suggest you ship ahead your whips, chains, etc. to avoid the hassle or confiscation of your toys.  You probably should leave home irreplaceable items and your favorite whip since they could get lost in shipping.  If you do travel with your toys, put them in zip locked clear bags.  Take your batteries out of your toys.  Nothing is more embarrassing than to be dragged off the plane for a suitcase that is making a strange humming noise.  You probably want your lube (and other liquid items) in separate zip locked bags since at high altitudes things open and ooze out.


11/3/2008 3:35:04 AM

The Connection Between Sex and BDSM
an essay by Suzanne's slave T
http://www.sxysadist.com/essay_sexbdsm.htm
There must be a connection, right? Isn’t pain usually applied to nude or semi-nude bodies, and don’t the ‘private parts’ seem to get special attention? And isn’t orgasm the goal at the end of it all?
 Not so fast. Even if all the above were true, it wouldn’t prove that people practice BDSM to get a sexual ‘high.’ You could just as easily turn it around and claim that people let themselves be manipulated sexually because that’s the easiest, cleanest way to receive pain and suffering.
Here are some reasons why:
a) Pain is hard to administer through clothing, so nudity of the submissive (or bottom) is the efficient way to proceed;
b) The submissive mind thrives on being vulnerable, and nudity is a foremost way of producing a feeling of vulnerability;
c) The genital organs are among the most sensitive parts of the body, so they are natural targets;
d) Most external stimuli don’t reach beyond the outermost nerve endings, whereas genital stimulation has the ability to produce effects that go far beyond -- to the body’s electrical and chemical systems. Sex is the doorway to the body’s interior;
e) There are very many taboos attached to sexual organs and pleasures, hence violating these taboos is a way to create mental anguish.
 So you see, regardless of how it first appears, sex is the means - not the end; it is by using sex and sexuality that the dominant or top can most powerfully create mammoth-sized impacts on the submissive or bottom.
 What might these impacts be, that the bottom so keenly desires? As many who have written about BDSM can attest, the diverse practices of BDSM offer many tools for working through various psychological and spiritual anxieties.
 No, we who practice BDSM aren’t crazy (though some might think so) - but the anxieties we are dealing with truly range from the frightful to the divine. It is amazing the range of needs that are involved here. For some it is dealing with the effects of sexual abuse, and for others it is escaping from responsibilities - at least for a while. For others it is getting a preview of death and dying. 
 There’s probably no end to list-making, but here, just as an example, are ten needs that can conceivably lead someone to the various practices of BDSM:
Guilt Related Needs
1. Guilt re: Sex, Masturbation - As sexual tension grows in teenagers, masturbation and sexual experimentation usually follow, bringing with it the awesome thrill of release. It also brings with it moral conflict, since parents and teachers discourage this potentially addictive behavior that can warp personality development. Pain that ‘accidentally’ causes a release lessens the guilt by making release seem less than voluntary and by combining the punishment with the ‘misdeed.’
2.Low Self-Esteem - If we feel worthless, it is only fitting that we are treated harshly.
3. Deflation of excessive pride - Some strong persons who are willful and insist on getting their way then feel guilty about that willfulness and seek to be humbled.
Coping Needs
4. Escape - Anxieties torment us, some people more than others. Pain and submission can provide the occasional escape from the anxieties and responsibilties of life, just as do alcohol and drugs.
5. Fear Factor - Proving our toughness in a world where the daily news is full of suffering, torture and violent death can lead to ‘practicing suffering’ - to convince ourselves that, should the worst happen to us, we can endure it, up to the process of dying.
Boredom Needs
6. Skinned Knees - As kids, we rolled in the dirt, climbed trees, skinned knees - felt our bodies. As we grew older, we insulated ourselves from these rough, sharp, prickly, hot, cold sensations, yet we need them. They tell us our bodies are part of us, and we’re alive!’
7. Tired Sex Life - Bored with routine, we seek excitement and variety to rekindle sex drive.
Love Related Needs
8. Empathy/ I Feel Your Pain - For those whose life has gone well, nearly perfectly, the contrast between that success and the misery of so many others, moves one to willingly accept some suffering as a way to ‘even out’ life’s injustices.
9 Triumph of the Spirit - In a hedonistic/materialist world, accepting suffering and submitting to another says that comfort and self-seeking are NOT the top priorities of life - that the spirit world trumps the materialistic one hands down. Those who lose their life shall save it.
10. Hero/heroine Worship - We seem to have a built-in need to worship God - a being immeasurably more perfect than ourselves. Because this ideal is so abstract, it helps to concretize it through hero worship by submitting to a hero/heroine who exemplifies many of the noble qualities we attribute to God.
 These needs have to do with people’s quest for happiness - from the most basic level of dealing with developmental problems all the way up to the quest for holiness and touching the divine. BDSM can help at every step of the way, even while it looks different to everyone who uses its practices. Hence the confusion that it’s all about, and only about, sex and, to those outside, perversions. It’s not, for most people; it only looks that way.


11/2/2008 4:59:52 AM
Negotiation Questionnaire
by LadyScream http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/negotiate.shtml
Part One: General Questions and Information

A. What is your level of experience?
  1. Very experienced
  2. Experienced
  3. Limited experience
  4. Beginner
B. How long have you had or known of your interests?
  1. As long as I can remember
  2. 5 years or more
  3. 1 to 4 years
  4. Less than 1 year
C. What is your sexual orientation?
  1. Heterosexual exclusively
  2. Bisexual
  3. Homosexual
  4. BiCurious
D. What kind of relationship do you prefer?
  1. Long term, live in
  2. Offline, meeting often
  3. Offline, meeting occasionally
  4. Online only
  5. Not sure yet
E. Main interest
  1. Sensual and physical
  2. Psychosexual and mental
  3. Both equally
F. Are you... (rate each from 1=lowest to 10=highest)

______  
______  
______  
______  
 Sadistic
 Masochistic
 Dominant
 Submissive


G. Your level of interest in bondage:
  1. Total helplessness
  2. Light bondage
  3. Not my favorite thing
  4. Outside my limits
  5. Never tried it
H. Pain (what you are, or what you're looking for)
  1. Pain slut
  2. Whipping, caning, paddling
  3. Light paddling, sensual whipping, no marks
  4. Punishment only when necessary
  5. Interested, but never tried it
  6. WAY beyond limits
I. What do you believe the purpose of pain in a session is?
  1. Pain is a reward
  2. Pain is a punishment
  3. For training or correction only
  4. Whatever pleases my partner
  5. Not sure
J. Sex in a scene, for me is...
  1. An absolute must
  2. Expected, unless punishment is taking place
  3. An enhancement
  4. Not necessary or expected
  5. Out of the question
K. Which settings are you comfortable playing in?
  1. Public play
  2. Scene parties
  3. Intimate groups of 1 to 3 other couples
  4. Three way play
  5. One on one
L. Who can know of your activities?
  1. No one
  2. A very few trusted friends
  3. Other scene people
  4. Doesn't matter who knows

Part Two: Interests, Preferences, and Limits

M. Role Playing. Listed below are several examples of roles to be played by either Dom/me or sub. List those which you are interested in, and those you'd like to see your partner play.

Amazon
Baby
Barbarian
Bitch-Goddess
Boss
Burglar
Child
Clergy
Cowboy
Cowgirl
Daddy
Doctor
Evil Priest
Evil Priestess
Femme Fatale
French Maid
God
Goddess
Hooker
Indian
Inquisitor
Interrogator
Hero
Kidnap Victim
Knight
Leather Man
Master
Mentor
Mistress
Mommy
Nun
Nurse
Rapist
Role Reversal
Pet
Pimp
Pirate
Policeman
Ponyboy
Ponygirl
POW
Prince
Princess
Principal
Puppy
Savage
Secretary
Sex Object
Sissy
Slave
Slave Owner
Slut
Student
Suspect
Teacher
Teen
Torturer
Victim
Warrior
Wild Beast
 
Roles I would like to play:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
 
Roles I would like my partner to play:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

 
N. List any specific fetishes you have (i.e. foot worship, body types):
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

O. List any medical, physical or emotional concerns (past breaks, sprains, chronic conditions or phobias):
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

P. List your limits here:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

Q. List your concerns about the depth and exclusivity of a relationship:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

R. List your preferred method of birth control and avoidance of STD's:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________


S. Below are listed several D/s activities. Please rate each of these from 1 to 6:

1 = YES!!!
2 = Mmmm, I like this
3 = Doesn't excite me, but I'd do it for my partner
4 = Intriguing, but scary
5 = Embarrassed to admit I want this
6 = Absolutely not!!

1 ______  
Spanking, by Hand
69 ______  
Hot Wax
2 ______  
Leather Paddle
70 ______  
Fire and Ice
3 ______  
Wooden Paddle
71 ______  
Needles
4 ______  
Belt or Strap
72 ______  
Cutting
5 ______  
Switch
73 ______  
Abrasions
6 ______  
Deerskin Cat o'nine
74 ______  
Electric Torture
7 ______  
Leather Cat o'nine
75 ______  
Digital Sex
8 ______  
Braided Cat o'nine
76 ______  
Directed Masturbation
9 ______  
Knotted Whip
77 ______  
Vaginal Sex
10 ______  
Rubber Whip
78 ______  
Oral Sex
11 ______  
Single Lash
79 ______  
Vibrators/Dildoes
12 ______  
Cane
80 ______  
Strap-ons
13 ______  
Fiberglass/Plastic Rod
81 ______  
Anal Sex
14 ______  
Riding Crop
82 ______  
Anal Plugs
15 ______  
Fur-lined Paddle
83 ______  
Multiple Penetrations
16 ______  
Mental Bondage
84 ______  
Anilingus
17 ______  
Silk Scarves
85 ______  
Vaginal Fisting
18 ______  
Nylon Rope
86 ______  
Anal Fisting
19 ______  
Cotton Rope
87 ______  
Fantasy Rape
20 ______  
Chains
88 ______  
Directed Bisexuality
21 ______  
Leather Bonds
89 ______  
Threesomes
22 ______  
Spandex Bonds
90 ______  
Groups
23 ______  
Plastic Wrap
91 ______  
Foot Kissing
24 ______  
Body Bags
92 ______  
Kneeling
25 ______  
Steel Shackles
93 ______  
Crawling
26 ______  
Arm Sleeves
94 ______  
Lead on Leash
27 ______  
Straightjackets
95 ______  
Dirty Words
28 ______  
Breast Bondage
96 ______  
Verbal Abuse
29 ______  
Genital Bondage
97 ______  
Public Embarrassment
30 ______  
Gags
98 ______  
Face Slapping
31 ______  
Leather Cuffs
99 ______  
Cross Dressing
32 ______  
Infibulation
100 ______  
Secret Sex in Public
33 ______  
Spreader Bars
101 ______  
Public Display
34 ______  
Ceiling/Wall Hooks
102 ______  
Public Sex
35 ______  
Cages
103 ______  
Public Whipping
36 ______  
Slings/Swings
104 ______  
Infantilism
37 ______  
Stocks
105 ______  
Golden Showers
38 ______  
Crosses
106 ______  
Enemas
39 ______  
Pillory
107 ______  
Innocent Dress
40 ______  
Suspention, on Toes
108 ______  
Slutty Dress
41 ______  
Suspension, Full
109 ______  
Prim and Proper
42 ______  
Outdoor Setting
110 ______  
Ultra-Feminine
43 ______  
Indoor Setting
111 ______  
French Maid
44 ______  
Public Setting
112 ______  
Child/Baby Roles
45 ______  
Semi-Public Setting
113 ______  
Slave
46 ______  
Private Setting
114 ______  
Macho
47 ______  
1 to 3 Hours
115 ______  
Biker
48 ______  
3 to 6 Hours
116 ______  
Leathers
49 ______  
Overnight Duration
117 ______  
Spandex
50 ______  
Blindfolds
118 ______  
Rubber/Latex
51 ______  
Hoods
119 ______  
Masks/Hoods
52 ______  
Headphones/Earplugs
120 ______  
Costumes
53 ______  
Tickling
121 ______  
Lingerie
54 ______  
Feathers/Fur
122 ______  
Garters/Stockings
55 ______  
Sexual Teasing
124 ______  
Corsets/Cinches
56 ______  
Sexual Denial
124 ______  
Boots
57 ______  
Chastity Belt
125 ______  
High Heels
58 ______  
Pinching
126 ______  
Tattooing
59 ______  
Hair Pulling
127 ______  
Body Piercing
60 ______  
Nipple Clamps/Clips
128 ______  
Branding
61 ______  
Clothespins
129 ______  
Maid Service
62 ______  
Genital Torture
130 ______  
Shaving
63 ______  
Weights
131 ______  
Humiliation
64 ______  
Cock Rings
132 ______  
Foot Worship
65 ______  
Ball Spreaders
133 ______  
Exhibitionish
66 ______  
Water Torture
134 ______  
Voyeurism
67 ______  
Ice
135 ______  
Voyeurism
68 ______  
Oils, Lotions, Spices
 


T. Listed below are 6 parts of the body and 3 categories. Using the following letter codes, rate each as what is acceptable to you:

N = Never
L = Light
? = Not Sure
T = Thuddy
M = Medium
 
S = Stingy
H = Heavy
 

Body Part
Bondage
Corporal
Torture
Back/Shoulders
______
______
______
Bottom/Thighs
______
______
______
Breasts/Chest
______
______
______
Genitals
______
______
______
Feet/Ankles
______
______
______
Wrists
______
______
______

10/29/2008 4:06:34 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

10/27/2008 2:52:21 PM

http://www.wizdomme.com/books/
The Compleat Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle
Jack Rinella
see also:
The Master's Manual
Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships
 

Secretary (DVD)
Also available on VHS

Urban Aboriginals
Geoff Mains
the classic has been republished 

The Catalyst and Other Works
Laura Antoniou
see also:
The Marketplace #1
The Slave #2 -
The Trainer #3 -
The Academy #4
The Reunion
(Marketplace Series #5)

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude - Principles, Skills and Tools

Guy Baldwin
see also:
Ties That Bind: The Sm/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style - Issues, Commentaries and Advice (with Joseph Bean) 

Best Bondage Erotica
Alison Tyler, editor
 
The Bullwhip Book
Andrew John Conway
 
Safe Word: An Erotic S/M Novel
Molly Weatherfield
see also:
Carrie's Story 

Nina Hartley's Guide to Sensual Domination No.1 - How to Dominate a Man

Carried Away: An S/M Romance
David Stein 

Nina Hartley's Guide to Sensual Domination No.2 - How to Dominate a Woman

Two Moons: Worthy of a Master, Book 1
Chelsea Shepard 

The Transformations of Gwen, Volume 2
Eric Kroll (photographer)
see also:
The Transformations of Gwen, Volume 1 

Owned and Owner

Anneke Jacob 

How to Make Whips
Ron Edwards 

Many Kisses: Stories of Dominant Love
Susie Santiago


10/26/2008 2:17:17 PM

 http://www.threshold.org/public/recread.html

BOOKS AND PUBLICATIONS ON BDSM

GREENERY PRESS

Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual by Christina Abernathy, Greenery Press

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press.

The Compleat Spanker by Lady Green, Greenery Press.

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green, Greenery Press.

The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press

The Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press

Bitch Goddess: The Spiritual Path of the Dominant Woman edited by Pat Califia and Drew Campbell, Greenery Press

A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington, Greenery Press.

KinkyCrafts:  101 Do-It-Yourself S/M Toys compiled and edited by Lady Green with James Easton, Greenery Press

 

DAEDALUS PUBLISHING

Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin, M.S., Daedalus Publishing

Leather Sex by Joseph Bean, Daedalus Publishing

My Private Life (Real Experiences of a Dominant Woman) by Mistress Nan, Daedalus Publishing

Learning The Ropes (A Basic Fun Guide To Safe And Fun S/M Lovemaking) by Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing

 

MASQUERADE BOOKS

The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Masquerade Books.

Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia, Masquerade Books.

 

VARIOUS PUBLISHERS  

Coming to Power: Writings and Graphics on Lesbian S/M by Samois. Alyson Publications, Inc.

Consensual Sadomasochism: How To Talk About It & Do It Safely by William A. Henkin, Ph.D. & Sybil Holliday, CCSSE,

Different Loving by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame, Jon Jacobs, Villard Books (Random House)

Erotic Power: An Exploration of Dominance & Submission by Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D., Praegar Publishing.

The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual by Pat Califia, Lace Publications.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, Mystic Rose Books.

Come Play With Me ( Games And Toys For Creative Lovers) by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, Warner Books

Meeting The Master (An Exploration of Mastery, Slavery, and the Darker Side of Desire) by Elissa Wald, Prowess Press (Private Publication-contact the author at PO Box 952 Village Station, New York, NY  10014).


10/22/2008 8:30:07 AM

Common Mistakes New People Make
(Author unknown)http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/mistakes.shtml
 The number one mistake I see made by new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.
 Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.
 A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screenname doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have?
 Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next.
 Something else I have seen is the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules in D/s:
The Dom/me is always right
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1
That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".
 Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partner.


10/18/2008 12:33:53 PM
http://www.wizdomme.com/noize/nin.shtml

10/17/2008 10:42:03 AM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. 

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.  

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.  

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.  

If you had purchased United Airlines stock, you would have nothing left.  

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund you would have $214.00.  

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.  

This is called the 401-Keg Plan   : )


10/15/2008 2:36:45 PM
Bad Dom/mes, Bad Subs and Predators
by Wizdomme  http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/baddom.shtml

There's a lot of talk about "Bad Dom" lists, and some such lists actually exist. While there are a lot of "bad doms" around (and "bad dommes" and yes, even "bad subs"), compiling or using such a list as a guide would be pointless.

Before seeking out such a list, consider that names might be placed on it for all the wrong reasons:
  • a personal dislike or vendetta
  • "pay-back" by a rejected partner
  • a bad BDSM experience based on uninformed expectations
  • jealousy, competitiveness, or possessiveness schemes by others
  • simple bad chemistry between two people
This is not to say that there aren't "bad" dom/mes and subs out there; only that distribution of such a list would be counter-productive to safe and enjoyable meetings and would spread unnecessary gossip and rumors. It would smell a lot like the blacklisting of the 50s or even high school popularity contests.

Being placed on such a list would be the equivalent of being named a rapist or child molester in your local community. The innocent can never escape a label like that, and there are other, more sensible and certain methods for dealing with the guilty than to call names.

If you are criminally victimized, report it to the authorities.

But if you meet someone and have a bad experience, if your pride is hurt, if you're embarrassed... learn from it and move on. Raising a "bad dom" alert simply because a person or an experience didn't live up to your expectations is pointless and petty.

If you're considering meeting or scening with someone for the first time, look to your own common sense first: Would you would meet this person if it was not in a BDSM context? Would you have sex with this person if there was not a D/s basis involved? Would you be willing to report non-consensual abuse or rape to the authorities, should such things occur? If you answer no to any of these questions, perhaps you should delay your meeting and examine your motives, or look for someone else.

There are predators out there... there are tragic stories of people being badly beaten, burned, abandoned, and even killed. There are also endless stories of people who no-show for planned meetings -- perhaps your partner isn't taking things as seriously as you think they are. BDSM is not for the naive, or for those seeking love and acceptance at any cost.

There are also many who are over-eager to become submissives, and they're often naive enough to leave themselves wide open for such predators. They're often involved in or just coming out of long-term relationships that have been unfulfilling or even abusive, and they're overwhelmed by the new possibilities they've discovered. They're often eager to dive in head-first, assuming that education and safety are for "everyone else". These wide-eyed innocents can and often do eventually find healthy D/s or BDSM relationships, but often by way of costly or potentially deadly mistakes.

And yes, there are over-eager new dominants also, who run all the same risks, along with the very high potential of unintentionally causing serious physical or emotional harm to another person because they didn't take the time or effort to learn what they're doing. It's not unheard of for new dominants to be taken advantage of in any number of ways by unscrupulous submissives, either.

Before going through with a first-meet or first-scene, do your homework:
  • read and follow the Safety Tips in the D/s Help Info Pack
  • if you're new, learn about the variety of BDSM activities -- a dream scene for some might be a terrifying ordeal for others
  • know what you're getting into
  • dominants should plan the activities carefully, talk them over with the submissive(s), and negotiate anything that's not mutually agreeable
  • submissives should know exactly what to expect
  • both should ask questions about anything that's unclear
  • both should admit uncertainties or inexperience
  • safewords, limits, and transportation should all be decided and agreed upon well in advance
  • if you agree to give or receive personal references, follow them up, and be sure to consider the source: remember that one person's opinion is only that, and may or may not be the same as anyone else's
More than anything, listen to your instincts. Separate your curiosity, impatience and thrill-seeking desires from your sense of true danger potential. If you have any warning flags, examine them before moving on. Some things to ask yourself...

Does he or she:
  • swear they're single, but will only talk to you from work?
  • brush off or refuse to discuss safety concerns?
  • claim to be active in the BDSM club or party scene but won't give references when requested?
  • seem to be less informed than they claim to be?
  • put pressure or coerce you to meet and/or scene before you feel ready?
  • tell you that safewords, public meetings, etc. are only for others and won't agree to them?
  • have different wants or ideas than you about multiple partners vs. exclusive relationships?
  • encourage you to keep your relationship a secret from others?
  • not know about spouses or significant others in your life?
  • refuse to give you their full name or phone number, even after a meeting is planned?
  • know that you are actively seeking out safety information about BDSM and/or checking up on them?
If you met online, does he or she:
  • never join you in public chat areas?
  • change their screenname often?
  • refuse to give you other names they use or have used?
  • "hide out" when online?
Remember that every meeting and every scene carries potential dangers, but there's no need to tip the scales towards problems out of ignorance. Take every precaution you normally would for a vanilla meeting or date, and more. Enjoy yourselves and each other by being safe and informed... and have a great time when you do!

10/9/2008 1:10:02 PM
Contracts 100% Submission Contract courtesy of The Wizdomme Pages Sample Contract #1: 100% Submission Contracts can define roles and expectations, and can be great fun to write. These examples are here only to provide suggestions and guidelines. If you and your partner wish to have a contract, write your own according to your own relationship. This one might be used for an established, long-term live-in relationship. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 100% SUBMISSION CONTRACT BETWEEN ______________________________ AND __________________________________. ___________________________, hereinafter referred to as "Owner", hereby binds this contract with [his/her] signature and the signature of __________________________, hereinafter referred to as "slave" in this Submission Contract. Said Contract refers to total dominance and control of Owner in [his/her] relationship with said slave. * PURPOSE * Purpose and Symbols of Servitude The purpose of the servant contract is very important to instill the security of Ownership and all that such servitude implies. The contract is a measure of control. This contract is written to make clear the expectations of Owner and the consequences for failure to live up to this agreement. The contract is a reminder of the many duties and responsibilities of a live-in slave. Symbols of Ownership include _________________________________ upon signing this Contract, and any other future marks or tokens Owner may wish to bestow. Symbols of Ownership are visible reminders of status and should be worn with pride. They signify control and the lifestyle chosen by slave. * DUTIES OF SERVITUDE * It is the duty of the servant to please. Personal Duties: Physical/emotional needs of Owner, amusement, sexual toy/plaything, physical comfort, obedience, honesty, loyalty, waiting on Owner as desired and needed. Household Duties: Cleaning and keeping the home straightened, laundry, shopping, cooking, care for children when requested, run errands as needed. Any task assigned is considered permanent. * DAILY ROUTINE * The established daily routine includes: Arise 7-8 A.M. Morning coffee and breakfast Work Serving as Owner needs Household duties as needed Dinner duties Recreation with permission from Owner 11 P.M. Bed-time * RECREATION * If slave wishes to enjoy the use of the computer [he/she] will ask for a specific time [he/she] wishes to do so. Permission will be by grant of Owner and slave will stop using the computer within 10 minutes after that time set by Owner unless an extension is asked for and granted. If Owner is not at home or unavailable, slave may be permitted to engage in this or other recreation activities. Any chores, commands or cleaning that need to be done will take preference over recreation activity except in the case of a need for break. * EXPENDITURES * All requests for major expenditures will be submitted to Owner for approval. Any expenditure over $10.00 will be completely subject to the approval of Owner prior to purchase unless said item may be returned for a full refund. * EXCLUSIONS * Slave will be allowed _____ hours per day [or ____ day per week] for time-off, if requested in advance and if Owner agrees. Owner will not injure, permanently scar or change either slave or [him/her]self, or anyone, or any part of any body. * ALLOWANCE * Allowance will be set by [Master/Mistress] and distributed to slave as [He/She] sees fit. * STIPULATION * Slave hereby acknowledges that Owner's authority supersedes [his/hers] in any decision including but not limited to travel plans, visitations, activities, chores, recreation, monetary expenses or expenditures, obligations, managements, diets, readings, processes, consumptions, priorities, communications or any otherwise alternative decision. Owner will solely determine the residence, including city, county, state and/or country of residence for said slave. * BEHAVIOR * Attitude: The servant should show an attitude of respect at all times. Disrespect is a serious offense and will be punished severely. Respect includes: manner of speech, promptness, kneeling to serve, proper answers, obedience, loyalty and honesty. Respect and obedience are the two most important aspects of attitude the servant shall show at all times. Failure will be punished. * FRIENDS AND RELATIVES * All friends and relatives of Owner will be treated with the utmost respect. No anger, argument, condescension, criticism, insult or lack of courtesy will be tolerated. Owner will voice [his/her] compliment, respect and love for same at all times. Slave hereby agrees to refrain from any insult or criticism of any of Owner's friends or relatives, their culture, attributes, background, class, heritage, or nationality, or any conceived notion detrimental to their status. Owner may provide lodging for any friend, relative or partner [he/she] wishes. Permission is required from Owner if slave has the desire to provide lodging for any friend, relative or partner. Any disobedience from this rule will be the cause of serious punishment. * BEHAVIOR IN PRIVATE * Slave shall address Owner as _________________ at all times without fail. Slave shall pay full attention to Owner when spoken to. Owner is more important than any other activity the slave may be engaged in. The slave shall sit, stand, walk, kneel, and lay where, when and how Owner desires. Slave shall stay in bed at night unless permission is granted to do otherwise. The slave shall not remove any restraint device for any other reason than an emergency. * BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC * The slave shall address Owner as [Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress] at all times when there is not enough privacy to use the afore-mentioned title ______________. The slave shall remain within eyesight unless permission is given to do otherwise. The slave shall be courteous and prompt at all times, showing Owner full respect. The slave shall dress as Owner desires. The slave shall not argue or complain when in public with Owner. * TRAINING * Training activities may include: daily discipline, offering bed cuffs, proper answers, spending the night in bondage. Slave will be given a weekly training scheduled for Friday night. Slave shall keep [his/her] Friday evenings free so as to have plenty of time for discipline training. Discipline may include: bondage and restraint, leash training, implements of discipline, training, body and foot worship. Punishment will be given for the following offenses: Going anywhere without permission and/or threatening to do so Cockiness or rudeness Drinking without permission Disobedience The slave shall perform the confession ritual once a month and be punished accordingly. Failure will be punished. Explicit Permission: Slave will continually be trained and tested in explicit permission technique. Special training activities include: Owner's complete control in [his/her] use of humiliation, surprise discipline, cage/bondage time, gags, hoods, etc., cleaning, servant feeding, retraining. Progress Reports: Owner will prepare progress reports on the training of the slave as [he/she] desires. * ORGASM DENIAL * Slave is to achieve orgasm ONLY by permission of Owner. Slave's orgasms will be controlled for proper training of slave, teaching slave good habits, providing motivation, physical and sexual energy. Owner will allow slave reward upon permission. * PUNISHMENTS * Mild Punishments can include: slapping, ear or nipple pinching, cropping, hair pulling, going to bed early, time-outs Medium Punishments can include: multiple slapping, genital pinching, intense bondage time, clamps and weights. Severe Punishments can include: panty or ball gags, leg chains and/or handcuffs, caning. * DRINKING and DRUGS * Slave is allowed to drink alcohol or use ______ drugs only with explicit permission from Owner, when and where and how much [he/she] permits. Drinking [will/will not] be permitted when going out to eat, [limited to 1 or 2 drinks with permission]. Slave may attend bars, etc., only with Owner, or with [his/her] permission to go with anyone else. Slave must ask permission for each and every drink. * SOCIAL CONTACT * Family: Slave is allowed to write, visit and talk to any family member as long as it does not interfere with [his/her] servitude. Friends: Slave is allowed to write, visit and talk to friends as long as it does not interfere with [his/her] servitude. All such contact will be monitored by Owner. These are privileges, not rights, and should be appreciated. * DURATION * This Contract is valid from this day until 6 months has passed, and then it may be renewed or renegotiated if Owner and/or slave feel it needs to be reviewed and updated. At that time, the servant will receive a new contract. Accepted, understood and agreed to this _____ day of __________________, 20____: By: __________________________, Owner __________________________, slave 1999, 2000, 2001 #Bondage&Discipline - BDfriends

10/7/2008 6:02:00 PM

Who Are You?

Where Are You With Yourself & The Lifestyle?

Ten years ago I stumbled across an article titled, "the 9 levels of submission", and I took it as gospel. Now I see that it was one fallible human being's opinion rather than fact. Much like my web site. This site and my articles are nothing more than my ideas, thoughts, and opinions regarding domination/submission. If by some chance my readers find the words here helpful, great! If not, no biggie.
I encourage you to remain true to yourself regardless of what others might wish to label you. Once upon a time it really did matter what others in the lifestyle thought of me. I wanted approval and perhaps some validation. These days I am far too busy living my life to care. That may have changed due to experiences or it may have changed because I've grown up since then. Or, it could be a combination of the two. I may never really know the truth.
Regardless of the triggers, I am at peace with who I am. I want this for all of you as well. If you take the time to listen to your inner voice I think you agree that to live by other people's labels is a waste of your precious time.
Am I real? Am I a submissive? A slave? Am I a dominant? A top? A player? Nilla even?
Are you asking yourself those questions? I know from experience that others ask you. It's fine to have common terms. Common terms allow us to communicate accurately with each other. But do you find that you might be overly consumed with those labels? Does it make you feel better to say that you are a slave instead of a submissive or better because you say that you are a master instead of top?
Why?
I happen to know the answer. I know because of my experiences and feelings. Insecurity. When we are not secure with who we are we look to outside sources for validation. This doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human. I challenge you to overcome that need for validation. I challenge you to simply be happy with who you are. So maybe you're not any of the labels or terms I've listed above. So what? Your world will not stop turning. Promise. You might even find someone who suits you much better once you begin to concentrate on yourself as a person first and label second.
I, for example, avoid men who too strongly identify themselves as "Masters". I avoid them like the plague. I get the feeling they cling to that identity like a life raft. It wreaks of insecurity to me. I will not be able to see an insecure male as dominant. Therefore, we will not match. I need to see you as dominant. I couldn't care less how anyone else sees you. If I'm not feeling it, it's not going to work. Same thing with submission. I can scream to the high heavens about how submissive I am but if he doesn't see that in me, it's over.
I don't suggest playing a role. That can only last for so long before you grow weary and give it up. That might be why so many online people vanish into the abyss. They grew tired of working to be someone they are not and they don't have the strength to speak the truth. It was far too draining trying to live up to someone else's idea of who they should be. I get that. I'm not condoning it but I understand it.
So where are you right now? Still trying to fit into a box? Attempting to re-create yourself? Does this make you happy
Good luck on your journey,
Cerina


10/4/2008 4:33:40 PM

PASSIVE DISCIPLINE
http://www.steel-door.com/Passive_Discipline.html
(A few discipline tips)
 This article was written to address minor acting out behavior problems such as are fairly routine or typical in many D/s relationships. Part of all discipline is simple understanding between the Dominant and submissive and it should be clearly understood that all actions are voluntary. Communicate clearly. Communicate often. Listen!
  Passive/non-responsive discipline. From a Dominant's perspective it is often the most effective discipline that can be implemented to correct inappropriate behavior actions used by a submissive. It is important to remember that most submissives take action to gain attention or to test the focus and strength of their Dominant. These behaviors are most common in less experienced submissives and in submissives who are in the first 2 years of a potentially long term relationship. 
  Generally a submissive will behave to 'perfection' in the first 3 to 6 months of the relationship. This is quite similar to a vanilla 'honeymoon' phase. Their Dominant/Master/Mistress is perfect. They are so lucky. The world smells of roses and honey. Life is so fabulous. They are so happy. Then small things begin to be noticed. Their Master/Mistress has flaws... 
 The submissive doesn't really want to focus on these flaws but they can see them very well. And, shouldn't they 'help' their Dominant by pointing these minor things out, especially if their Dominant is rather inexperienced? And, there is this edge of restlessness, the collar they have accepted so eagerly is getting a bit tighter now that plans are underway to possibly merge households. As the time grows closer their restlessness and sense of impending real confinement grows more real. A part of them isn't really sure that they are ready to relinquish control.
  Sometimes a submissive just has needs. They have an almost insatiable appetite for attention. To attain this attention they will utilize almost any type of emotional outburst or ploy. Some of the favorites are 'I am not worthy of you..." This is a demand for the Dominant to reassure them 'again', that they are so special. Then there is the guilt..."You promised to call me...I waited for hours..." or something dramatic happens. A personal crisis. They are devastated, crying, overwrought, clinging like a noose...
  Often a submissive will do something they know is forbidden, plunging the relationship into serious waters, creating a potentially relationship-breaking crisis. In the midst of this they will often plea for forgiveness, saying that they are a terrible submissive and that their Dominant should get rid of them. All of these are fairly common submissive voluntary actions.
  With a new Dominant such actions can be baffling and very hard to cope with. Talking with their submissive can feel like they are in a small boat being buffeted by huge waves of energy or perhaps on the movie set of some overly dramatic story. Fairly quickly the Dominant will realize that the submissive is creating scenes. Emotional, distraut, conflictive scenes. Nothing positive is gained during one of these scenes except that the submissive gets fed energy. Sometimes hard words are said. In the end the Dominant often feels totally drained, frustrated, irritated, empty and alone. It becomes essential to consider how to direct a submissive out of what is essentially old-familiar vanilla habits so that these scenes do not destroy the complete relationship, the feelings of trust and respect.
  One choice is to be non-responsive to any submissive who is improperly acting out or offering direct challenges to the direction or word of the Dominant. It is important for the Dominant to tell the submissive that there will be only one line of recourse when the submissive voluntarily decides to posture at them. Make it simple.
  Never give the submissive what they want. That is to reward this behavior. Many submissives want to draw the 'punitive discipline' of the Dominant so it becomes imperative to not respond. (Many submissives want and enjoy physical discipline like spanking.) If you address real life behavior problems by using something that the submissive enjoys then you are encouraging continuing bad behavior!
  If your relationship is occurring in real life (physically together) one of the most effective methods of non-attention control is to create a quiet spot. When the submissive takes actions that 'appear' out of control (they are in truth not out of control) then the submissive should be remanded to the quiet spot. A good spot is usually the corner of a closet. In addition the Dominant should place nothing in the area of the spot that is of interest except an index card that states openly the various steps of discipline.
 1:  SILENCE....(length of time <20 minutes>)
     (Use a common egg timer that ticks rather loudly)
     (upon failure to remain in place and silent EACH step
     is taken progressively)
  2:  REMOVAL OF CLOTHING (restart timer)
  3:  INSERTION OF GAG (restart timer) -
       This SHOULD be done with a sub
       who doesn't like gags. 
       (REMIND the sub that vocalizing is THEIR choice
       so control of usage of the gag is THEIR choice too!)
  4:  FORMAL KNEEL POSITION  (restart timer)
  5:  KNEEL ON MAT (restart timer)
  6:  COLLARED, GAGGED, KNEELING - COLLAR BOUND TO WALL
       (restart timer)
  7:  BANISHMENT FROM DOM PRESENCE FOR 2 hours
  8:  BANISHMENT FROM DOM PRESENCE FOR 24 hours
       (requirement to spend entire 24 hour period copying by hand
       on paper (I will NOT disrespect my Master)
       allowing 2 (4 hour sleep periods). 
 The Dominant should use something like an egg timer and have the submissive sit facing nothing but the list for a predetermined amount of time (20 minutes).
  Part of acting out is a desire for attention - even negative attention. And, a part of the submissive does not want to submit. That part is the one fighting the Dominant. The Dominant must nullify the dominant side within the submissive without confronting it directly (such as an argument). Simply put, when the dominant aspect of a submissive manifests the submissive will not be played with, paid attention to or responded to until the submissive acknowledges self control and stops using their dominant side to combat, trigger or incite their Dominant. Believe it or not this works. The dominant side of a submissive is there as a part of the submissive, therefore the submissive does control that sides actions. No evasions.
To the submissive:
 The idea of passive discipline is to help you alter your behavior into actions that are beneficial and pleasing to both you and your Dominant. Should you continue to vocalize when you are supposed to be quiet - contemplating or thinking, then your Dominant may have you unclothe, if the acting out continues s/he may use a gag. NOTE: Many submissives say that they cannot handle gags for a variety of reasons. The presence of a gag can be a sincere deterrent for loud uncontrolled outbursts. The Dominant should consider taking the submissive to the store just to buy the gag together (buy a good leather one - comfortable!) so that the submissive knows that this is part of the discipline regime, something their actions will totally control the use of!
  If the problem continues s/he may place something uncomfortable underneath your naked legs (like an upside down office mat). Using simple step by steps s/he will aid you in controlling you. Each step is a voluntary choice on your part. This is crucial for you the submissive to understand. You must decide to behave and offer that good behavior to your Dominant as your gift to them.
  Should you achieve step 8 and still be acting out then perhaps you are actively trying to destroy the relationship. If you will not listen to your Dominant beyond a certain point then s/he should tell you that if you continue then you are demonstrating a voluntary decision not to obey and if you continue s/he will have no alternative but to release you.
  Submission is hard work. It is given in every moment and every breath in the tiny choices you make. Not in your words. Not in your thoughts. But in the actions you take with and for your Dominant and yourself. You need to convince your inner self that you are not losing your strength by submitting. It is harder to kneel than to stand.
  S/he should also make you earn the right to serve them by good behavior. In other words s/he should reward you when you do well and virtually ignore you when you do poorly (this type of punishment should be clearly discussed in advance of implementation so that the submissive knows what is occurring and why and does not have sudden feelings of abandonment but knows it is standard discipline that they have chosen to endure through their free will actions!). Play is a reward. It is attention. If you fail during the day then s/he should perhaps create a small mat on the floor of the closet for you to sleep on. Making you earn the right to be in your Dominant's presence, in their bed.
  If you truly want to surrender to your Dominant - you will. Your defender merely allows your Dominant to carry the sword of protection during the time you are in their presence. At other times your defender will remain solid and strong, keeping you safe till you are with your Dominant again!
To the Dominant:
 If you have noted strong dominant language and attitude and wish to reduce or curtail this in your submissive then you need to instruct your submissive that you will not allow or permit that 'aspect' of them to argue with you. There can only be one Dominant and one submissive in the relationship otherwise you end up in a war for control! When your submissive's DOM or attitude side creeps up or begins to argue you need to consistently withdraw. Do not get loud, heated, angry, emotional or upset. This is your way of teaching your submissive that you will not feed into the desire to conflict or argue (which is subtle manipulation). By the same token you need to offer your submissive an opportunity (controlled by you) for free and open speech. Make this when you are physically together if possible. To do this well, use an egg timer. Wind it up to 30 minutes and allow your submissive to speak with total (uninterrupted by you) freedom during that time period. When the buzzer sounds rewind the timer for 30 minutes. Your submissive is to remain totally silent in the second time period or be punished (such as I described above). This allows both of you to think about what has been said. And it prevents a furthering of the commentary when heads are hot. At the end of the second time period I suggest that neither of you talk about it. Explain to your submissive in advance of starting this that you will respond within 24 hours of any request by your submissive for a 'window of free speech'. If your submissive begins any heated exchange without asking for this permissive window first then you should consider it an attempt to manipulate or a desire for negative attention. Your submissive has been getting responses from you or forcing you to give them attention. By taking control of that back and rewarding good behavior by increased attention your submissive will quickly learn that the vanilla habit of infighting is no longer effective. S/he will then be more motivated to not act out. It would be my choice to respond to any issues brought up in a free speech window after at least 12 hours of calm thought. We most often say the wrong things in the heat of the moment. Then be certain to address only the issue and not direct ANY commentary at your submissive personally (no accusations) this type of analytical response will not feed the desire for an emotional display from you (furthering the ideal of reducing this behavior).
  You should tell your submissive in detail that you have decided to try a new form of long distance discipline based on the same idea. Tell your submissive that if s/he becomes argumentative, manipulative, disagreeable, whinny, overly dramatic, overly emotional or excessively needy online or on the phone that you will forbid them to contact you for incrementally increasing periods of time. In that punishment of withdrawal window s/he is to hand write on paper "I will not create problems." Over and over. A beginners window would be one hour...if the attitude and problem continue add another hour etc.. At the end of that time period you should make contact in a mutually prior agreed upon way. If S/HE is not there you should have a secondary mode of contact such as email or answering machine where you leave a simple message that you attempted to make contact and the time! S/he is to mail these writings to you as soon as the punishment time period is ended. S/HE needs to know that her behavior controls the amount of personal attention that you give to them. Bad Behavior - no attention. Good Behavior - attention!
  Nothing replaces clear, open communication. Most behavior problems emerge from insecurity issues from past experiences and the true desire is to retrain the responses not further injure or damage the individual. Responding in clear consistent ways will eventually reassure your submissive and allow them to fully trust you. Keep disciplines simple and easy to understand. Altering of behavior is a voluntary action, a gift given from submissive to Dominant, a demonstration of respect and value.


9/29/2008 2:02:40 PM

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.


9/22/2008 4:18:16 PM

Intimacy http://www.steel-door.com/intimacy.htm 
 Intimacy is defined as a close personal relationship marked by deep affection and love, frequently characterized by depth of knowledge and attention.
 Intimacy is something we long for. To be cherished and held, understood and accepted by those we care about the most is at the center of whether we experience our life as meaningful and joyous. Yet intimacy is often quite difficult to achieve. As much as we long for it, being truly intimate with another human being also represents an exposure to danger. In order to achieve the sense of intimacy we so deeply desire we must open ourselves. We must surrender our defenses, the barriers and walls we have so carefully built within ourselves over our lifetime. Surrender of these oft used and very important devices is incredibly difficult. We can never be certain of the motives of the people we invite inside our walls. This uncertainty, alone, can be enough to prevent the development and nourishment of intimacy.
 At our center we are a 'core being', this is the pure self untainted by anger, rage, pain, embarrassment, shame, guilt, doubt. This core being is who we were before the challenges of life taught us that to be so innocent, so pure, was to be exposed to hurt, anguish, damage. What we truly long for is for another person to care enough, to be trustworthy enough, to share our core self with. We want someone to know our pure truth. That, is what we understand to be 'true intimacy'.
 As adults, we have not reached adulthood without sustaining damage. Without building walls and barriers to the very intimacy we want. We carry these shields as armor around our core self, protection from injury and unfortunately as protection from intimacy as well. There comes a point, particularly if the damage we have endured through our life has been extreme, where we begin to understand that we must heal our old wounds, the wounds still lingering open and pained, beneath the shield we long ago created around them. To heal these wounds we venture into our experiences of the past to face the wounds and comfort our core self, sharing self love with our self as well as the determination to be healed.
 Healing is a choice, a decision, a desire to be free of damage and pain. It is often a journey of the spirit, of the mind and of the body. On some level we understand that to be able to experience true intimacy with other people we will have to surrender, relinquish and release our armor. Within this understanding we begin to know this journey of the spirit, of the heart, of the soul has no ending. We are always in a state of being healed, of embracing wellness of deciding to be more free.
 We look often to the mind to heal the spirits wounds, we carry a belief that the body is in some way detached from who we are. It is perhaps a cultural idea, this division, this focus with importance upon the mind, the thoughts. We tend to believe we can fix ourselves from the outside in. This isn't to say that analyzing, discussing and thinking about our experiences isn't incredibly important. Often such work opens up our mental eyes to who we are, who we have forgotten we are, under all of the shields and walls.
 But, this is only part of healing. When experiences happen which are injurious to us, our entirety is present. We store these memories not only in our thinking mind but within every cell in our body and within our spirit body, our belief in who we are. This is why bodywork becomes so profoundly important. Our healing therapy has touched our minds, opened our thoughts, connected us to the intellectual memories of who we are. Yet, we still recognize our barriers exist. They are partially addressed. Weakened perhaps. But still, too present. They continue to block our ability to achieve the self freedom and intimacy we long for.
 Until we discover, touch!


9/18/2008 1:11:18 PM
ADDING SUBMISSIVES
http://www.steel-door.com/Adding_Submissives.html
 Stables. Harems. Multiple partners. Orgies. Slaves to do your bidding. All pretty alluring pictures. It tends to be a rather common phenomenon for many new Dominant's to become captivated by the ideas and imagery that such words convey into our psyche. Several things tend to play into these desires. Among these are the possibilities of living out several childhood fantasies. Most of us grow up reading and watching movies and television. A part of us becomes the hero or protagonist in the stories and we live vicariously their adventures, feelings, emotions and horrors. At puberty those fantasies move further into the area's of sexuality and exploration of the 'forbidden fruits'. We, as human's, tend to be drawn toward what is naughty or not allowed by the permission of our parents, cultures or religions. We often long to escape into something more entertaining and fulfilling than our rather mundane and boring lives, jobs, families.
 When a person 'finds' the BDSM community it is rather like finding a gift box. The unattractive boy or girl who was left holding up a wall at a high school dance is suddenly offered a banquet of opportunity. Unfortunately most of us have experiences of negativity which may at times influence our choices and decisions when considering tasting of these naughty fruits.
 It is important to remember that ALL decisions have almost invisible ramifications on the other people in our lives. Having the opportunity to add submissives into our world does not mean that it is something we must or even should do. There is a tendency to 'overlook' the possible damage that such an introduction may cause in existing relationships in favor of the 'ideal'.
 Many people have been 'discovering' D/s through the purchase of a computer and exploration of the Internet. Often these people are married and begin to explore bringing D/s into their home life after sometimes 15-20 years of vanilla marriage. This is difficult in the best of situations requiring both the Dominant and submissive to alter deeply ingrained habits, responses, thoughts, ideas and attitudes. Continued involvement within the online community will often present people with 'new' possibilities. Many people get involved with someone new because they are treated 'differently' than what they are familiar with in their real life relationship. Often they will talk themselves into the 'idea' that there is nothing 'wrong' with playing online. It does not take too long to get past that idea into the concept of having a 'second submissive'.
 At this point the new Dominant will often present this idea to their existing spouse as a completely normal and acceptable choice. There is pressure applied on the new spouse submissive to 'accept' this introduction into their lives and adjust to the changes or have their world utterly disrupted. Part of the problem with doing this is that within a spousal relationship there are distinct definitions of role or status which have been carefully built over many years. The introduction of a new, sometimes younger, more attractive person as generally a 'sexual' addition can create intense instability. The spouse submissive may be able to conceptualize the idea of a new person entering the relationship but may suffer extreme feelings of abandonment, loss, fear, instability, threat of loss of family structure, embarrassment, shame, loss of status. Many of these feelings will be stuffed away inside. This is especially true if the spouse submissive is trying very VERY hard to live up to the ideal of the submissive that they have come to understand from the descriptions of this position mostly through online information and contacts.
 The Dominant may be mostly if not totally 'blind' to these concerns. Often a Dominant gets so 'filled' with their own presence, the opportunities and quite frankly blind lust that they marginalize mentally the true implications of their decisions. Many new Dominant's believe that they can easily 'handle' the needs of several submissives at once. This is not only difficult, it can be extremely misleading from an exterior view. Every submissive requires, needs and desires a sincere and strong level of personal attention. Given that such a choice is made, where is the Dominant drawing the attention from to give to this new person? In most cases we have jobs, careers, hobbies, children, families which demand a large percentage of our discretionary time. What little time remains available usually goes to our life partner or spouse. This usually means that the Dominant is drawing from their existing relationship in order to give to the new relationship.
 Coupled to this is all of the lives that are impacted by the creation of new ties. Often people will bring people into their homes because they have not the time or money to provide a separate place to be with this new person. Many have a desire for the second or third submissive to live IN the home with the preexisting family sometimes sharing the marital bed. This is very similar to creating a stepfamily. All of the new persons issues enter the family at the same time. All of their hopes, desires, feelings and habits are part of their package.
 This type of forcible inclusion by the Dominant can be quite devastating for the submissives who are part of this creation. The new submissive will often feel threatened by the old submissive and vise versa. Both will vie for attention sometimes using children or other issues to garner the Dominant's attention. Often the submissives will not want to feel the sensations they feel and will try very hard to blend together or get along. It should not be forgotten that vanilla standards continue to work, a submissive can 'agree' to such an experiment and feel they have been betrayed when it occurs. In many cases this simply doesn't work well and can be destructive in how the other people in the family come to view the actions of the Dominant, including parents, children and close friends. In most cases the the risks of damage are simply not worth the often short term affairs.
 Sometimes secondary submissives can be added into a relationship if that is part of the objective from the beginning for all concerned. This usually works best if the submissives are independently close friends or sincerely drawn or interested in each other. Some submissives enjoy sharing a Dominant, co-scening, co-living and generally being in a poly or multi relationship. These tend to be the exception rather than the rule. In addition some submissives simply like to co-scene but have no desire to live with or have intimate relations with a preexisting couple. In general a non-sexual partner is often easier to accept than a sexual partner. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works the best when children are not involved in a family type arrangement. When all of the adult partners are single, mature, independent and unencumbered. Communication becomes even more crucial when more voices are present!!!
 A Dominant needs to also consider and remember the extensive needs and requirements of a single relationship and accurately realize that they are multiplying the issues, needs, concerns, complications and responsibilities with each addition into their life. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works the best when children are not involved, whether they are grown or living with a former spouse and when all parties are honest, open and loving with each other.

9/15/2008 6:44:14 PM

A Personal Note On Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/gentlespiritptsd.htmAuthor: gentle^spirit © 2004
Christians and BDSM Web Site
 PTSD is something you may have heard on TV or read about that can occur following the experience or witnessing of life-threatening events such as war, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or rape. It also happens to victims of Domestic Violence. The abuse need not be physical for PTSD to occur People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience. Flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, and feeling detached or estranged can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person's daily life.
 The National Center for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, states "PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is also associated with impairment of the person's ability to function in social or family life, including occupational instability, marital problems and divorces, family discord, and difficulties in parenting."
 If I looked at the clock and saw it was time for my abuser to get home I would suddenly feel a sinking fear. This reaction lasted long after I was out of the marriage. Even all these years later if a clock reads 5 PM it still brings up memories but the fear no longer grips me. When driving home from work I would get heart palpitations in anticipation of a possible conflict.
 Everyone's reaction is different. PTSD must be diagnosed by a professional as it contains elements of other disorders. Treatment may include medication and counseling. Getting counseling can help you get your life back. It is important to find a counselor that has experience with domestic violence. Most cities of any size have Domestic Violence intervention organizations or agencies.
 Note: These lists are not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this page should be considered a substitute for counseling.
 If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org.


9/12/2008 6:36:45 PM

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/gentlespiritabusereactions.htm   
Reactions To Abuse
Author: gentle^spirit © 2004
Christians and BDSM Web Site

 Victims of abuse are often full of intense and often conflicting emotions. People that have not been in an abusive relationship cannot understand how you can still love or care about someone that abuses you. Emotions cannot be turned on or off like a light. You can feel quite torn between loving the person and being afraid of them. You may experience all feelings listed or just a few. Sometimes feelings may flow from one to another and back again. Holding on to negative emotions slowly kills the your spirit.
alienation
anxiety
chronic fear
co-dependency
depression
dispair
failure
feeling incompetant
grief
involuntary fear
irritability
low self-esteem
mistrust or dislike of opposite gender
numb
self-blame
self-doubt
self hatred
supressed anger
vulnerability
worthlessness 
 Abuse can affect a persons health. Stress has detrimental effect on a person's health. Illnesses already present may worsen with the stress.
 Otherwise healthy people may have physical reactions to stress.
Stress Reactions May Cause Or Worsen:
Alcoholism
Allergic skin reactions
Anorexia
Anxiety attacks
Bulimia
Chronic Fatigue
Concentration difficulties that result in such as decreased job performance
Depression
Drug abuse
Headaches
Heart palpitations
High blood pressure
Insomnia
Irritable bowel syndrome
Memory loss
Overeating
Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome
Premature labor and/or low birth-weight infant
Stomach ailments,
ulcers
And many others............

 Note: These lists are not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counseling.
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
 You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org .


9/11/2008 5:21:23 PM
http://www.leathernroses.com/eso/esoselection.htm 
The Process Of Selection
Article 9 of 12
Author: Master Eso © 2004

 There is a general nostalgic and romantic conception amongst Masters and slaves. It is the conception of Masters going to a slave market, and select a slave, or bid for a slave on auction, after briefly inspecting them. The selection of slaves here is made almost purely on physical aspects and appearance.
 While this might be an ancient tradition, nostalgic and even romantic, it is a great misconception in modern day consensual slavery. A misconception so big that it leaves many slaves, Masterless as a result.
 It is indeed the slave who first goes through the selection progress, of carefully selecting a suitable Master for her.
 Yes, I know, this sounds absurd and upside down, but this is the way it has to be.
 The process of selection is not unlike finding employment. The employee (slave) first matches her basic skills, capabilities, and experience with those required by an employer (Master). Once a suitable employer (Master) has been located, the employee (slave) now proceeds in applying (slave petition) for the employment. After an application (slave petition) has been received by an employer (Master), the employer (Master) now proceeds to select the most suitable applicants (slaves), for an interview, and eventually hires (collars) those, that match the employers (Master) requirements, needs and wants.
 As unromantically as it sounds, the slave is initially the only one who can properly judge if she can meet, fulfill and serve a Masters requirements, needs and wants, and match it against her own desires.
 Think about it realistically. With all the demands, requirements and expectations a Master has on a slave within an Absolute Slavery, APE or TPE commitment, it is imperative that a slave initially ensures herself that she can meet what is asked of her, without even being influenced by a Master in any way or form.
 No Master, no matter how experienced or God-like can initially make the needed judgments better then the slave herself.
 Once a Master has been located who service requirements match the desires and capabilities of the aspiring slave, she must now start the most important task, to examine the potential Masters values, principles, standards, morals, ethics and beliefs and contemplate in all seriousness if she truly can serve the Master, absolutely and unconditional.
 The importance of the examination of character and values of a potential Master cannot be overstated, as a slaves live, health and wellbeing, might very well depend upon it.
 A slave needs to be aware that in Absolute Slavery, or Absolute and Total Power Exchange, the Master has the right to change, alter, or modify his service requirements and expectations, at any time, for any reason, and at the Masters sole discretion.
 A Masters values, character, principles, perceptions, etc. are therefore a must important consideration, as they do not change as easily as service requirements or kink.
 Here are a few steps that might help the slaves in their process of selection:
Be aware of your own desires, needs and dreams and write them down.
Make a list of characteristics, values, principles and conditions that you consider most important in a Master.
Make a list of characteristics and conditions that you consider undesirable in a Master.
Write down possible scenarios of a Master slave commitment, that would be acceptable or desirable to you.
Be aware and write down what you have or can offer a Master.

Take the most important points from the previous lists, and write them together as a summary.
The summary should now honestly reflect exactly who you are, what your desires, needs and dreams are, and what kind of commitment and Master you are looking for.
 Now go and find a Master that matches with your needs and desires, and once you found such Master, do not hesitate for one moment, to petition for service to the Master, and hope that the Master now in turn will chose to get to know you and ultimately will select you as his slave from the petitions he receives.
 Don't be afraid of rejection. It is not only a process of selection, but also a process of elimination. If a Master chooses not to accept you as his slave, it might indeed be a good thing. A Master too, does know what he needs and desires. And if it doesn't fit for the Master or the slave, there is little point of trying to force it.

9/10/2008 4:16:17 PM

What Slaves Need
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/steinslavesneed.htm
Some late-night thoughts i felt were worth sharing
Author: ©1997 by david stein ©

The things that feed and strengthen a slave’s slavery: things like direction, discipline, and service. About these there can be no compromise, because when they are lacking in a slave’s life, slavery itself cannot long be sustained.
DIRECTION
 The popular conception is that slaves are people who are forced to obey a Master’s orders, and many slaves also fantasize being forced. Being obedient is held to be the opposite of freedom, and the negative connotations of “slavery” largely consist in this lack of freedom.
 This no doubt was true of many or most coerced slaves in history. It is not true of consensual slaves today. Those who become slaves today in the U.S., Europe, and the rest of the developed world do so not because they are being forced to obey, but because they positively need to obey. Obedience is the voluntary slave’s lifeblood. To obey is not our cross but our joy! We only ask to be given the opportunity.
 And that’s where direction comes in. Any idiot can tell someone else what to do! Lots of people are bossy or domineering or pushy. That’s not what can satisfy a slave’s need to obey, not in the long run, because people who are merely bossy tend not to be very consistent or intelligent about what they tell others to do; they operate on whim. The more perfectly you obey someone like that, the more likely you are to get into trouble, because today’s order may contradict yesterday’s or undermine tomorrow’s. You can drive a dog or a child insane with contradictory orders; is a slave any less sensitive?
 Ideally, what slaves need — whether they’re aware of wanting it or not! — is clear direction, firm goals, consistent rules, unambiguous orders. And it takes a Master with great presence of mind, intelligence, self-control, and self-understanding to provide that kind of environment.
DISCIPLINE
 The most common slave fantasy is probably of being punished, but i think the erotic charge of this is really a metaphor for discipline, which is not the same as punishment. Discipline is controlled behavior; punishment is simply a means, and often not a very good one, of achieving discipline. Just as slaves need to obey, we need to follow rules and to push ourselves to live up to some ideal. i think every (voluntary) slave wants to be “the perfect slave” in some sense, and we need — as much as we need air and water — someone to hold out that ideal before us and challenge us to live up to it, even knowing that we’ll never actually achieve it.
 If it were easy to be a slave, if anyone could do it, what would be the point? If there were no sacrifice involved, if it required nothing “above and beyond” ordinary life as a bottom-oriented leatherman or leatherdyke, why bother?
 slavery is a demanding, challenging vocation, or calling, and its challenges cannot end once the slave enters into service with a Master. The Master must provide a continual challenge as well as an environment in which the slave’s discipline and dedication are continually honed. To this end, many Masters institute various rituals and protocols for their slaves to follow. These are misunderstood, i think, if they are examined too literally, and especially if the point is taken to be the inculcation of a worshipful attitude toward the Master’s person. The point is to enable the slave to develop a worshipful attitude, period. Giving the slave a framework by which to live a disciplined life of respect and dedication is the point, not feeding the Master’s ego.
 Nonetheless, at the very prosaic level of “enforcement of rules,” a Master who does not notice or care about infractions is one who is shirking His duty toward His slave. It is not necessary to punish, but it is necessary to take notice of the lapse and deal with it in some definite way. slaves need to feel the Master’s eye on them continually, until it is internalized. If He cannot or will not provide discipline, He has no business owning a slave, just as a parent who will not provide it for a child is unfit for that role.
SERVICE
 While there are no end of fantasies about obedience and discipline, most slaves only fantasize about sexual “service” — but that is typically the lesser part of a full-time slave’s service. Indeed, the difference between a slave and a bottom may turn on the willingness, even eagerness, to serve in nonsexual ways. (As i once read in a bottom’s personal ad, “I don’t clean my own apartment — why should I clean yours?”)
 Difficulties arise when Masters, or slaves, confuse service with being used. The difference is subtle but critical. Perhaps it is the difference between “being used” and “being useful.” Being used has a very negative connotation for most people, and i suspect that in cases where it has a strong erotic charge, it refers more to the categories of direction and discipline than service. That is, what is exciting about “being used” is being obedient and controlled, transcending your own ego and its selfish pleasures to be an instrument of someone else’s will. That doesn’t have to be a humiliating, demeaning, or degrading experience — it can be an exhilarating and liberating one.
 Being useful, in contrast, is something that most people do find pleasurable and rewarding — slaves more than others. It is the sense of “right employment,” of expending your life energies in a good and satisfying way. The joy of service is the feeling of having “made a difference” in some part of the world, however small.
 When Masters think of a slave’s service purely in terms of having him at Their beck and call to fulfill any whim or transient desire, They trivialize the slave’s slavery and undermine his ability to continue that way of life. On the contrary: a case could be made that the main reason Masters even exist is to provide slaves with an opportunity to serve to the best of their abilities! Whether you accept that view or not, a Master who neglects or wastes a slave’s talents is worse than a fool; it is a form of abuse as serious as physical harm or neglect.
 Perhaps the greatest challenge for a Master is to determine how a given slave can best serve Him, and to reconsider the matter again and again as the slave grows, learns, and develops. This is not to say that any particular service should be beneath any particular slave — we can all benefit from taking a turn at menial chores. Nonetheless, a slave needs to feel, overall, that he is fulfilling his potential for service, or he will not remain content in his slavery for long.
SUMMARY
 In conclusion, the lesson i’m trying to convey is that slaves need to look out for ourselves in terms of making sure that our needs for direction, discipline, and service get fulfilled. No matter how sexy a potential Master may be, no matter how many of your fetishes He matches and BDSM buttons He pushes, if there’s no clear evidence that He’ll provide for your basic needs as a slave, look elsewhere. By the same token, a potential Master who’s not your wet dream but can offer an environment of clear direction, firm discipline, and opportunities for challenging and satisfying service deserves at least a second look.
Hope this is helpful to someone!


9/9/2008 5:18:26 PM
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/fearskittytara.htm   
 Fears and Submission
Author: kitty tara © 2008
 Slaves give a lot of things of themselves up to their Masters, but fears will stay part of you unless worked through. Just ignoring fears will only cause problems. Some things just scare people, on too deep of a level to dismiss. i've given everything over to Master, and i trust His decisions, but i'll admit i still have fears. The problem isn't having a fear, it's an unwillingness to trust in an otherwise trusted dominant to help one work through that fear safely. i trust Master to be there to help me work through my fears if they come up and inhibit my abilities to serve fully and effectively. It takes a strong person to let go of the most basic functions of the human mind and go against regular human instinct. Avoid pain, control your environment, submissives give those things over, and the only thing we can really say belongs to us is that undying trust in the dominant we choose. That trust is one of the most important things when it comes to dealing with fears.
 There's any number of things that could happen in a scene or outside of one that can trigger internal fears for a submissive. The world of a submissive is complicated enough, and the last thing that we need is to have our fears cause us more trouble. A very important note on this: Do not be angry with yourself for feeling fears. It's a natural feeling, and no dominant should ever be angry with you for having fears. The important part is that you talk about your fears instead of trying to hide them or pretending they don't exist. Keeping them in will only cause you damage and slowly cause damage to the relationship.
 So what is the best way to handle fears that are encountered in a D/s relationship? The first step in handling it is to look at the fear itself. What was it a fear of? What caused it to surface? And just how bad of a fear is it? Knowing how bad the fear is is very important in this, because you'll handle an "Oh god, spider, kill it!!!" fear much more differently than a fear that has you frozen and shaking in terror. After you're able to answer these first questions and assess the fear, you can begin taking actions to handle it.
 After you've assessed the fear, the next best step is determined by the answer to one simple question. With help, can you move past this fear? Past experiences can instill fears in people that cannot be worked through without a lot of time and work, if even at all. Some fears are just so terrifying for a submissive that they may feel unable to handle working through it in an attempt to avoid feeling that fear more And then there are fears that are simple to work through. Whether or not you can work through a fear can only be determined by you and your dominant partner. The same goes for how you work through any particular fear. One submissive may be well suited for one method of dealing with a fear, while that method may do more harm than good for another.
 For the purpose of example, here is the breakdown of a basic, and simple fear, and a more extreme fear. i have a fear of falling that's been with me as long as i can remember. It surfaces if i lean too far off of something and about half or more of me is suspended over empty space. It is not a pleasant experience, but as bad as it is, it's not an extreme and unconquerable fear. i recognize that with His help, if it begins to interfere with my ability to serve Him somehow, then i can overcome it. Something as simple as having Him there with me to reassure me and keep me calm while i'm in a position that brings on the fear would help me overcome it. Now on the more extreme side of this, i have a fear of being used by someone who isn't Him. i like the general idea behind being used by multiple people at once, but the actual idea of any man but Him being around me in a vulnerable state terrifies me. i've had breakdowns with Him at the slightest mention of it happening. That is an extreme fear. i don't know what it is specifically that makes me like that, but that fear is so hard for me and so uncomfortable, that even with His help, i could never get rid of it. i may be able to cope, but that's a fear that is always going to be with me.
 In the end, the only way to handle fears in submission is to have a line of communication with the dominant partner, and a willingness to rely on the bond of trust between the two of you. Communication will make a huge difference, and, along with trust, help to make handling fears easier for both parties.

9/8/2008 7:55:00 AM

The Views From The Dragon's Lair:
Dealing With Running
http://www.leathernroses.com/domination/drgnlordrunning.htm
Author: Dragon~Lord aka Dennis © 2003
Used With Permission Of The Author(S)

I see you running' -
Don’t know what you're running' from.
Nobody's coming' -
What’d you do that was so wrong?
Look back and turn back
Look at yourself.
Don't be afraid just look at yourself.
If you need assistance -
Or if all you need is love,
There’s no point in hiding -
Tell me what you’re frightened of.
You've got a friend just look at yourself.
Don't be afraid just look at yourself.
Look back and turn back -
Look at yourself.
Don't be afraid just look at yourself.
-Uriah Heep "Look at Yourself"

As I walk along,
I wonder what went wrong,
With our love, a love that was so strong.
And as I still walk on,
I think of the things we've done
Together, a-while our hearts were young.
I'm a-walkin' in the rain,
Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain,
Wishin' you were here by me,
To end this misery
And I wonder--
I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder,
Why,
Why, why, why, why, why she ran away,
Yes, and I wonder,
A-where she will stay-ay,
My little runaway,
Run, run, run, run, runaway.
I'm a-walkin' in the rain,
Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain,
Wishin' you were here by me,
To end this misery
And I wonder--
I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder, Why,
Why, why, why, why, why she ran away,
Yes, and I wonder,
A-where she will stay-ay,
My little runaway,
Run, run, run, run, runaway.
Run, run, run, run, runaway.
Run, run, run, run, runaway.
-Del Shannon "Runaway"

 Do you ever notice how many people are running everyday? Running here and there, running to their jobs, running to their homes, running to make money, running from debt, running from so many things:pain, love, commitment, the past, the future. Sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are running from. In this life from a Dominant or Master’s perspective we see a lot of this running, we encounter it constantly. Not everybody is running though, just quite a few. You have submissives running to find their Master, sometimes running from their last. You find bottoms running from their realities and into the arms of pain. Cutters cut to empower themselves with their own pain. Sometimes they run too fast, faster than time allows and in their haste to reach their goal, they sometimes lose sight of the reasons and their dreams come crashing down around them. It is not just submissives though, and its certainly not just women. Men do the same trying too hard giving the wrong impressions and like crash test dummies of the heart, they run headlong into a wall.
 Some Dominants and Masters have an ideal plan for their life and for those within their group. (I.e. poly) They know they are poly, they want poly, and by golly in their world they will have poly. (Sound of a game show buzzer). They just do not know how to do poly. Well that is easy to fix. I am the Top Dog; therefore mine will follow my direction and poly they shall be. (BUZZZ). Well mine say they want to be poly, because they want to follow my directions. They want to please me, they submit to my will (BUZZZ BUZZZ). Damnit, will the little submissive called reality in the corner, stop pushing the damn buzzer! Poly means many, at least more than two. No where in poly-amorous does it say; all according to one. In some rare cases a Dominant may find a multiple relationship that does work, first shot, no redos. Tap Tap no erasies can’t take it back. But that is the exception, not the norm. It has to deal with many people (i.e. all those involved) and many dynamics of different personalities. But the subject of poly is for another article, right now I want to talk about the dynamics on one specific aspect and that is the syndrome of running. The type of running we find in poly-amorous relationships, are like in most running, and are the fear of being hurt again. (I.e. past pain) Some people will try poly relationships once, if fails, they will never try again. Is it because they were not committed? Is it because they never really wanted poly? Or is it because they can not believe that it is can be a reality, not just a fantasy? Maybe, but most likely they are just avoiding the pain. Funny how someone who is into this life would avoid pain, but that is what occurs. That is why they run.
 Another type of running is pushing away. In a new relationship the submissive, for lack of better term, will begin to act up to push against the fences…to see if they are real. Maybe they came from an abusive relationship, and you have stated you would never hit them in anger. So they are going to push your buttons, and like voting in Florida, early and often. They want to see if you will reach that point where you will snap. Not that they want you to, they want you to be true to your word. But they have been hurt so much that they can’t believe until they see and experience first hand they truth in your words. So they will push, they’ll prod, and they will test the waters; they are not doing that to be mean to you. And they are not doing it because they do not like you. And the hardest thing for even me to figure out was that they are not doing it because you are the same person that had hurt them before. They are doing it because they want to prove to themselves that you are NOT that same person. Makes it a bit difficult on this end to deal with, pushing away is another type of running from.
 Another type of running that was even harder for me to understand was the running from their goals. Once they realized that you were not the other person, that you were true to your word, then they became scared of the commitment that will incur their desires coming true. Running from the fear of success, we see it in the mundane world as well. Oh my God I am going to get what I want, i.e. they don’t deserve it, or can’t handle it. The fear of success is a difficult one to grasp, let alone deal with. But deal with it, it must be. There are so many different reasons that people run: i.e. the fear of not being needed, the fear of disappointing, the fear of having disappointed, and the fear of rejection, of acceptance, of success and of failure. The bottom line is most running is due to fear, but not all. Sometimes there is the running of extreme desire, impatience, can’t wait to slap the collar on and finally serve, to express the desires and needs of a lifetime. Eating up anything and everything of this life with a voracious appetite, so that they Dominant or Master may feel like the preverbal Jonas swallowed by the whale.
 Eagerness to an extreme degree is another form of running. Not running away from the life, but running away from the absence of that life. "Once you have been twisted-you can’t straighten out, and you don’t wanna." Childhood desires, dreams in the dark, tied and restrained, beaten and passions enflamed, graveling and serving may enflame the heart and engulf the mind and burn with a solar brilliance, but if those who are around you have no concept or desire for the life that you wish to have you are but a bird in a guilded cage. No matter what you receive, in the way of material things, or even the gentleness of a hug, it lacks the intense passion that you crave. So once you see it, get a small taste of it, you do not test the waters anymore, you plunge off the cliffs of Acapulco into the raging surf below and the rocks be damned. But this is inheritantly dangerous on many different degrees and levels. And what seems like a rushing towards is still a running from.
 My advice to the Dominants and Masters, every action has a reason. Every reason has a trip or trigger. Look for it and remember that you have your own trips and triggers.Everybody,...and I mean everybody, has a new pair of Nikes sitting in the back of their brain just waiting on a test run. Make them a promise that you will be there. That you are open for questions and comfort. Make a time-out signal where they can approach you without the fear of retaliation or stepping on protocol. Have them promise that instead of running away they will come to you to talk or clarify, or just to be comforted. Agree on safe harbor, a safe place, a place where they can collect their thoughts and their emotions without the concern about being directed, controlled, or made to; until the dynamic of Master/slave becomes more concrete. A Master is like a father, and a Master is like a shepherd, always on the look out for the well being of their charges. As always this is just my advice take what you like, leave what you don’t. I could probably go on far longer on this subject, and the many side subjects that can occur. If you have questions please feel free to email them to me. If you have suggestions of topics or concerns that you would like me to ramble on about, send them as well. Your email is a safe haven, so feel free to express openly.
Be well and adieu.
Dennis

Through change,
A realizing person knows the subtle and the obvious,
The supple and the strong.
So act with the change and be a model of the myriad people.
-Ta Chuan The Great Treatise


9/7/2008 9:44:48 AM
Self Discipline For Dominants
http://www.leathernroses.com/domination/disciplinefordoms.htm
Author: Raven Shadowborne © May 1, 1999
 Self discipline is basically the same thing as self control. It is the ability to follow through with what you have set out to do and or what you have agreed to do within your relationship. For a dominant, self discipline is a must. Without the ability to control themselves, a dominant has no hope of being able to control another. 
 A dominant needs self discipline in order to consistently maintain his./her dominance within their relationship. It takes energy to use the control given you by a submissive. It takes self control not to abuse that control given you. Self discipline is part of what makes the difference between domination and abuse.
 A dominant needs self discipline to remain calm enough that he/she can clearly make decisions which affect someone else's life in a well informed manner. A person who has trouble making simple decisions for him/herself will have a difficult time being able to make decisions which govern someone else's life. A submissve looks to his/her dominant for stability and support, if the dominant is constantly in a state of emotional overload, the submissive will not be able to rely upon him/her.
 A dominant needs self discipline to exercise patience in learning to use the various implements of the lifestyle in a safe and knowledgeable manner. If a dominant refuses to exercise this self control and learn how to use the toys properly, he/she is then unable to consider themselves a safe dominant. Nothing is ever 100% safe and mistakes do happen, but they are less apt to occur with a dominant who has sufficient self control as to not do something he/she does not have knowledge of.
 A dominant needs the self discipline to remain consistent within the relationship. Therefor increasing the trust the submissive has in him/her and making it possible for the submissive to view him./her as worthy of their submission. A dominant who lacks the discipline to enforce the rules he/she has set on the relationship, will soon find themselves with an unhappy and possibly rebellious submissive on their hands, if not a submissive demanding relase.
 A dominant needs the self discipline to remain physically in control of their actions no matter what emotion may be coursing through them. It requires self discipline to not strike out in a fit of rage when a submissive has displeased. It requires self discipline to not allow one's "love" for their submissive to interfere with enforcing the rules.
 Dominants often instill self discipline in their submissives by training them to speak more politely, control their orgasms, attain certain postures and thigns along those lines. Rarely is it discussed about how much self discipline a dominant must have as well. As you can see, self discipline is an important part of being a dominant since quite simply, without control over themselves, a dominant will be unable to control another.

9/6/2008 8:39:36 AM

DA RULES...
I will not hum the theme from Jeopardy while Master decides what to use to spank me.
I will not applaud when Master uses big words.
I will not genuflect at Mater's erection.
I will not perform a ventriloquist act with Master's penis.
I will not refer to Master's kitty as snake food.
I will not say, "Good Boy!" to Master.
I will not make shadow puppets while Master is tying me up.
I will not critique how Master ties me up.
When Master is kind enough to bring me a cup of tea, I will not call him the tea fairy.
I am always the spankee, never the spanker.
I will not tell Master he has permission to fuck me.
I will not snarl when Master asks me to share my chocolate.
I will not yawn while waiting for Master to cum.
I will not chew my collar.
I will not giggle during paddling.
I will not play connect the dots with Master's freckles.
When asked how many spanks my behavior warrants, I will not answer in fractions.
On second thought, I will applaud when Master uses big words but hooting and whistling is excessive.
Master's dog does not stink.


9/3/2008 3:17:10 PM

Slave's Say The Darndest Things
By Norische
Doesn't my opinion count for anything.
But what if I don't want to
That's gonna hurt, isn't it.
When do I get a day off
You don't expect me to clean that up do you?
Is it ok if I invite my family over for Thanksgiving?
Has anyone told you that you can be a Bitch sometimes?
Oh... I shouldn't have said that should I have.
But I can't wear a gag, how am I supposed to answer the phone?
Naked... Do you realize how cold it is out there?
You want to pierce my WHAT?!?!?
I'm glad this isn't a real job, because the pay sucks.
Not tonight dear I have a headache... Ow!... Ow!... never mind I was just kidding.
You can go from 0 to Bitch in 2.6 seconds.
You want it when?
Do you mind if I finish my cigarette first?
But I put it on my to do list...
But that is just gross...
You wouldn't look so mean if you would smile on occasion...
Do you mind... I haven't had my coffee yet?
It honestly takes me two hours to wake up in the morning.
Clean out the litter box... but it's your stupid cat.
But my nails aren't dry yet...
I didn't say I deserved I said I wanted it.
Who died and made you Master.
Sure I COULD cook but going out for dinner would be so much faster.
You know I noticed that some of the other Master's have bigger whips than you do.
But of course you want me in designer closes, remember I represent you.
Honest... Decaf IS a hard limit...
But it's icky...
If I wanted to eat healthy, I would be following my doctors orders... ah never mind.
But you could do it so much better and faster than me...
If your going to criticize how I do it, why don't you just do it yourself?
Sure I could do it your way, but my way is so much easier.
Have I ever told you that you're the reason God made Prozac?
Sure your opinions count, but you know what they say about opinions.
But I don't want to make a decision; that's why you're the Master, remember.
But why can't I choose both, it would make things so much easier.
But that is not how they do it on the Internet.
You are definitely not Martha Stewart.
Slave's Say The Darndest Things
Part II
By Norische
If you are going to pick on me, at least do something I like.
Why do you always pick the most inconvenient times to need something?
When you are in a buying mode again, let me know... because I have a whole list of stuff.
Great... something else you have thought of for me to do.
Hey that hurt! Remember you have to take care of your toys... So you can play with them later.
But that's not the way my mother did it.
I like doing it my way, your way is to complicated and it confuses me.
If you want that for dinner, you'll have to fix it... I'm hot...
Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up smoking, there are times that you make me want a cigarette.
I don't do windows, and I don't sweep carpets, so what else do you want me to do.
I am going to be glad when you get another slave, I could sure use a back rub right now.
Of course I have a lot of clothes, you want me to look good don't you... remember I represent you.
I got you a bigger trash can so I wouldn't have to empty it so often, not so that you could find more trash to put in it.
Your honestly don't want me to mess up our brand new mop on that filthy floor do you.
I am not grumpy; I just haven't had my coffee yet.
Of course there is a big pile of laundry, you keep insisting on wearing clean clothes everyday.
Would it have killed you to put your clothes IN the laundry basket, not on the floor beside it... jeesh... the way you aim you would think you were a guy.
Why do I have to clean it up, it's your cat?
Of course I need money, in case there is something that I want but you wont buy it for me.
And finally...
Please let me know what all you are writing, so that I will know what I have to regret saying.


9/2/2008 6:19:20 PM

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

  • You can eat dinner at 4:00

  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  • It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

  • Your eyes won't get much worse.

  • Things you buy now won't wear out.

  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.

  • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.

  • Your back goes out more than you do.

  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

  • You sing along with the elevator music.

  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

  • You send money to PBS.

  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television

  • Your ears are hairier than your head.

  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

  • You got cable for the weather channel.

  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


9/1/2008 10:53:35 AM

An evening prayer for Women
Now I lay me  Down to sleep  I pray Heavenly Father  My shape to keep.  Please no wrinkles  Please no bags  And please lift my butt  Before it sags.  Please no age spots  Please no gray  And as for my belly,  Please take it away.  Please keep me healthy  Please keep me young,  And thank you Dear Father  For all that you've done. 
Five tips for a woman.... 
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."


8/30/2008 9:19:17 AM

Check Your Emotional Baggage
http://www.bbwmagazine.com/love_3_0004.htm
By Kerri S. Smith
The long-ago hurts of failed relationships leave emotional footprints on our souls - and it's hard not to flinch when a new love stirs up these memories. But experts say facing your fear and apprehension is necessary if you are to fully embrace a present-day sweetie. Here are tips on clarifying the "here and now" you: 1) Take a written inventory reflecting how the more mature you different from the 20-year-old you. Ask and answer these questions: How am I different? What have I learned? How is my ability to take care of myself changed? What are mistakes that I will not make again?
2) Fear provokes irrational emotions. If you find yourself over-reacting to a new lover's casual comment or innocent action, fear is kicking in. Find a quiet corner and ask yourself, am I reacting to something similar in my past that turned out badly? Am I afraid that this new person is going to hurt me? What is the worst that could happen, right now? It's possible your present-day guy is very different from men in your past, so don't assume he will behave like a former lover who did you wrong.
3) Make a list of the things that define you outside of the new love affair - great friends, a close family, an adventurous career, funky hobbies, political activism, a reputation for being wild and crazy or pleasantly practical. Realize that all these things exist and will continue to exist regardless of how you and your sweetheart fare.
4) If painful memories are scratching at you, consider conducting a private ritual or ceremony to bid goodbye to the negativity. Grab a stack of 3"x5" index cards. On each card, describe a nasty episode or heartbreak that you want to forget. Read the cards once a day for a week. On the seventh day, read them a final time. Close your eyes and say, "I release these bad memories from my soul and open myself to new love." Tear up the cards, and scatter the remains on the wind or moving water. Another idea: write a letter to an ex-love, fold it into a paper boat, light the top with a match, and set it free in a stream or tidepool.


8/26/2008 12:26:25 PM

Safewords
By Mistress Catharine  
http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/safewords2.htm
 Safewords are one way to ensure that bdsm play in consensual. That bdsm is consensual is the difference between a cock hardening play scene and a horrific real life rape, it is that simple.
 One of the thrills of bdsm is that limits are usually routinely stretched, going farther than ever before, feeling greater levels of sensation. This is an exciting and desired thing, but is also slow and gradual .. Doms as well as subs want to stretch themselves but they are not telepathic, and can’t always tell when a sub has had enough. A safeword is a word that the sub can use to immediately stop the play or scene. This may become necessary for many reasons. Say a sub is receiving a spanking, and suddenly, it just doesn’t feel good anymore. By calling out their safeword the sub is saying, "STOP", saying that is something is wrong, the scene is not working for them. It may be that they are past their pain tolerance, or are having problem with bondage, or are even just getting too tired to enjoy the scene. The sub may be playing with a Dom they don’t know very well, and it is important to be able to communicate stop especially if the sub is in bondage and helpless. When a safeword is given, it should ALWAYS be taken seriously; the play should be IMMEDIATELY stopped. If the Dom/me doesn't respect the safeword, it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits and the sub needs to decide whether they want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge boundaries.
Why use a safeword?
 Why use a safeword at all? Easy, because sometimes pleading and begging by the sub is part of the fun and "no" doesn’t mean "no". A safeword also allows the Dom to know that they are not pushing a sub further than the sub can handle. However say this.. the Dom/me still has the responsibility to ensure safe play.. and cannot use the "well you should have used the safeword" as an excuse. A sub in pain or even just the throws of estacy may not have the mindset to be able to use a safeword. So the Dom/me must stay in control and be vigilant to what is happening moment by moment.
 In situations where a sub can’t speak because they are gagged they can use a gesture as a safeword. This may be as simple as crossing their eyes, or a couple of marbles or a hanky in one of their hands that when dropped signify the safeword has been given.
Slowword
A useful variation of the safeword is a slowword, this is a word that the sub gives when they don’t want the play actually stopped.. but want to warn the Dom that they are close to giving the safeword.. for instance..the play is getting too intense.. still ok.. but getting near the point of intolerance. This may mean anything from.."please don’t spank me any harder" to "I can’t hang up here for much longer!"
Gowords
 A more uncommon variation of the safeword is the goword.. A word used by the sub to say.. "I am really liking this." and if used in a s/m situation means more pain is desired.
 The most common safeword is red, slowword is yellow and goword is green, but any words agreed upon beforehand will work just fine. Just be sure that it doesn’t sound like another word used in play.. and will be clear.. for instance.. mustard may by mistaken as Master if not spoken loudly and clearly.
 Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect. It could only mean that a limit was run into that the Dom/me didn't know was there, or they were tired or disconnected and not in tune with their bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as Dom/me feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for subs! If you as sub feel like your Dom/me is pushing you too far, and you don’t want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword--your Dom/me will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.
 Always when playing with s/m there is a possibility of an abrupt stop to the play. If you acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about what kinds of comforting or remedy might be appropriate it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because a scene goes wrong is no reason to think that you or your partner is fundamentally bad or untrustworthy--mistakes will happen. (If your partner doesn't want to hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they belittle or deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future mishaps. If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may not be ready to handle doing SM..)
 In conclusion, not every BDSM player uses safewords. Some people into BDSM don't find them useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward communication suffices for them. Some partners find their need for a safeword gradually diminishes as they get to know each other better. But for many people beginning their explorations (and many who've explored enormously), safewords have proved very helpful. Safewords are strongly encouraged by the members of the BDSM Circle.


8/23/2008 5:45:11 PM

http://www.bestslavetraining.com/BDSMDSM.htm
Is BDSM wrong and can I feel good about myself if I love it?
How was the decision made that BDSM is a real social no–no? And who in the world made that decision?
 But first before answering these questions, let’s look at some of today’s changing views of BDSM.
 Just as homosexuality is no longer considered a mental illness, BDSM is no longer viewed as pathological by the majority of the psychological community.  Just as the general public has not fully accepted homosexuality, it has not fully accepted BDSM.  In the intellectual and psychological communities, BDSM is gaining a wider acceptance and is now believed to be a lifestyle choice.
 The "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" is published by the American Psychiatric Association.  This book commonly called the DSM is the bible in the practice of psychology that is used to define mental disorders.  One of the major uses of the DSM is to properly categorize  an illness in order to get insurance companies to pay for treatment.   In prior versions of the DSM,  sadism and masochism were considered to be disorders.  BDSM fantasies alone, over a period of time, could be considered disorders in the older DSM’S.
 The newest edition (DSM-IV) restructures what is considered a S&M disorder to a more realistic definition.  With both masochism and sadism, there are two criteria (A&B for each shown below) that must be met in order to make a diagnosis of a disorder.
 It is now defined in the DSM-IV as; you must have the fantasies, urges, etc., and the fact that you have them must make you effectively dysfunctional in an important area of your life.  The keywords are now defined as "these fantasies or actions must make you dysfunctional."  This was not necessary in past editions of the DSM that you were dysfunctional.  
*From the DSM-IV:
302.83 Sexual Masochism
In order for BDSM to be a disorder BOTH A and B must be present:
A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
302.84 Sexual Sadism
In order for BDSM to be a disorder BOTH A and B must be present:
A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the person.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
 In addition, the DSM-IV states the following about non-pathological sexual behavior; "a paraphilia must be distinguished from the non-pathological use of sexual fantasies, behavior or objects as a stimulus for sexual excitement."
 *From the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. (DSM-IV). These criteria are listed in the Paraphilia section, pg. 525.
 Note: It seems to me that almost anything could be classified as a dysfunction if the conditions of B are met, not just BDSM. This step in changing the DSM is a huge step for the lifestyle and has been a long time coming.  Lots of clinical research was required over many years that disputed the older DSM’s opinions before changes were made.
 These changes in the DSM-IV mean that you are NOT considered a sexual dysfunctional person just because you attend a munch group that is BDSM based or belong to a BDSM related on-line chat group.  Sorry to disappoint you, but these activities no longer qualify you to call yourself a pervert according to the DSM-IV.  You will have to try a different avenue to earn the title of pervert.
 Granted, the DSM-IV did not go as far as many in the lifestyle would have liked in changing the definition, but it is at least a start. 
 The change in the DSM-IV is founded on modern fields of psychology that view BDSM in a sociological perspective and do not consider sadomasochism to be pathology or deviant behavior.  It is now viewed simply as a lifestyle choice that causes no harm to individuals unless it causes a dysfunction in your life.
 Paul Gebhard, an anthropologist, stated, "Sadomasochism is embedded in our culture since our culture operates on the basis of Dominant-submissive relationships and aggression is socially valued" (Fetishism and Sadomasochism published in 1969).   Gebhard provided strong evidence that sadomasochism is based on culture as opposed to biology and is therefore a social behavior.  Gebhard considered it as an activity that involves at the minimum two people and didn't view it as an individual engaged in sadism or masochism.  He explained how SM play came to be in certain parts of the world, but not in others.  He then explained that BDSM is a subculture with its on values, rules, language and formally structured organizations.  Gebhard’s work has been a foundation of many social psychological views of BDSM.
 It is interesting that one of the major factors in the changing of the mindset of psychology came from an anthropologist.   Who would have guessed?
 Andreas Spengler did a major study of "SM practitioners" that was published in 1977.  The study showed that the only thing "SM practitioners" had in common was that they, as a general rule, 1) had a high standard of living, 2) had social status, and 3) were well educated.  The vast majority were perfectly happy with their sexual preferences, with their biggest fear being the social stigma attached to BDSM. (A. Spengler, "Manifest Sadomasochism of Males: Results of an Empirical Study," Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 6).
 In my opinion, there are two major groups in the field of psychology that would like to cling to the old concept that BDSM is an illness and/or a social no-no.  They are the students of the Freudian psychoanalytical theory and some of the Feminist theories of psychology.  Both have their own agenda as to why they believe the DSM is wrong.
 The Freud followers have a hard time accepting contemporary concepts that BDSM is a lifestyle choice and not pathological because Freud said it was pathological.  It is as simple as that.   Freud said it, so it has to be true.  
 Sheldon Bach, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychology at York University states that "Despite the research indicating that S&M does no real harm and is not associated with pathology, Freud's successors in psychoanalysis continue to use mental illness overtones when discussing (consensual) S&M."
 Students of some Feminist psychological concepts have opposed the lifestyle choice concept on moral grounds.  BDSM, in their opinion, goes against the more desired concept of self-independence and is not equated to the equality of the sexes.  They fail to see it as a lifestyle choice and is not destructive to the submissive’s self-image.  Now, this is not a blanket statement that includes all Feminist psychological theories, just some.  


8/21/2008 6:01:53 PM

Emotional intimacy is a dimension of interpersonal intimacy that varies in degree and over time, much like physical intimacy. Affect, emotion and feeling may refer to different phenomena. Emotional intimacy may refer to any or all of those in both a lay or a professional context.
 Emotional intimacy can be observed in terms of verbal and non-verbal communication. The degree of comfort, effectiveness and mutual experience of closeness might indicate emotional intimacy between individuals. Intimate communication is both expressed (e.g. talking) and implied (e.g. friends sitting close on a park bench in silence). Emotional intimacy depends primarily on trust, as well as the nature of the relationship and the culture in which it is observed. Depending on the background and conventions of the participants, emotional intimacy might involve disclosing thoughts, feelings and emotions in order to reach an understanding, offer mutual support or build a sense of community. Or it might involve sharing a duty, without commentary.
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_fear_of_intimacy

 Is your relationship hampered by emotional walls & barriers, secrets & long silences? Fear of intimacy is common in adults, especially if you've been scarred in the past.
 Fear of intimacy is the exact opposite of the close relationship you had with your best friend when you were a kid. You may be lucky enough to have a best friend now, but the depth and scope of those childhood friendships may seem unbeatable because you shared all your secrets. Fear of intimacy -- hiding behind emotional walls and barriers -- wasn't usually an issue. Overcoming fear of intimacy and anxiety wasn't even on the radar screen.
 Fear of intimacy is definitely a grown up problem.
 Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways – a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, we’re naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
 Personality characteristics such as introversion and extroversion can also contribute to fear of intimacy issues, and so can depression and anxiety.
 Fear of intimacy is different than fear of commitment. You can be married and not know your partner emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. In fact, loneliness in marriage is more difficult than being lonely as a single person or widow. Marital loneliness springs from fear of intimacy in one or both partners.
 The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy.
Three elements that reduce fear of intimacy:

  1. Authenticity: your feelings match your words and actions. If you feel angry or betrayed, you express yourself with words and behavior (remember that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means that even if you don’t speak your feelings, your actions will likely reveal them). Try sentences such as "I feel sad because I hoped to see you there," or "I'm angry and frustrated because I was relying on you to take the garbage out, and now the garbage truck won't be back for another week." Instead of hiding behind fear of intimacy, step out and reveal yourself. You'll feel vulnerable and afraid - there's no getting around that!
  2. Communication: Mutual self-disclosure occurs when the two of you share your personal and everyday experiences. You open up at the same level; for instance, you both discuss experiences of being betrayed in the past – or neither of you shares it. You meet each other at the same level in terms of the amount and type of personal experiences and thoughts you disclose. If mutual self-disclosure doesn’t happen, then you’re in an unbalanced relationship. One partner has opened their heart, while the other has hidden it away. This is fear of intimacy that can be reduced simply by talking about it.
  3. Honesty: You talk about what's going on in your life, how you really feel and what you really think. You reveal what’s important to you, which builds trust in your relationship. You don’t play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. You may still have a fear of intimacy, but you're honest about it.  
    The longer fear of intimacy festers, the worse it gets - and the more difficult it is to overcome. Now's the time to face your fear of intimacy and embark on a bigger, deeper life!
     Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your real self with others. Intimacy is communicating your true thoughts & feelings; fear of intimacy involves emotional walls.
     Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself in your relationship. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.
     Overcoming fear of intimacy can improve your relationships and deepen your life.
     Intimacy is similar to authenticity, in that both involve revealing your true self. Fear of intimacy is common, and can be related to fear of commitment – but they’re not the same thing. You can be married or committed to your partner, but not emotionally intimate. You can be in love, but not connected. Overcoming fear of intimacy allows real emotional and physical connections.
    Signs of possible fear of intimacy:
    • Deliberate withholding of personal information is probably fear of intimacy.
    • Withdrawing when others talk about their thoughts and feelings. Protecting yourself often reveals fear of intimacy.
    • Critical of yourself or others is fear of intimacy.
    • Feelings of anger or discomfort when others voice their thoughts and opinions show a fear of intimacy.
    • Lack of affection with loved ones can indicate fear of intimacy.
       Don’t forget that some people are simply less demonstrative about their feelings; this doesn't necessarily indicate a fear of intimacy. You can work on your self to become more intimate, if you’d like, but you can’t change your loved ones.
      Overcoming fear of intimacy involves:
    • Recognizing your habit of hiding behind a wall, whether it’s withdrawing silently or being overly effusive and talkative. You really want to overcome your fear of intimacy.
    • Realizing that hiding doesn’t necessarily mean verbal silence. You can hide your real self and still be the centre of attention or leader of the pack.
    • Noticing when you’re hiding, and consciously decide if you should continue (sometimes you don’t necessarily want to spill your guts – you need to discern when to open up). When you're trying to overcoming fear of intimacy, you need to choose when to open up.
    • Telling your partner that you want to hide, and you feel uncomfortable talking about your thoughts. Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your discomfort and fear, especially with someone you love. Communication often makes negative feelings dissipate.
    • Practicing sharing one thought at a time. Take baby steps with people you trust; soon, sharing your self will become a habit and you’ll be comfortable doing it often. You'll overcome your fear of intimacy one step at a time.
    • Seeking help from a counselor if these steps don’t work for you. There are underlying issues that are making you fearful, and dealing with those directly may be the only way to overcome your fear of intimacy.
      Overcoming fear of intimacy: there's no changing your partner    Other than encouraging openness and honesty, you can’t do anything to improve your partner’s fear of intimacy – just like you can’t expect to change their personality or habits. You can share how your partner’s lack of intimacy makes you feel (eg, “I feel scared when I don’t know how you feel when we fight.”), and express your wish for a closer relationship. The more you discuss fear of intimacy, the more your partner may open up. Overcoming fear of intimacy requires honesty on both sides.
       You can’t force someone open up to you, but you can choose who to become involved with and how much of your self you give to them. Overcoming fear of intimacy can be done in established relationships, especially if outside help is sought.

8/20/2008 3:17:31 AM
Gloria G. Brame PhD
BDSM/Fetish Sex:
Overview and Study

http://gloria-brame.com/therapy/kinkoverview.html

Here are several points to consider:
--BDSMers are as romantic, loving, and committed to relationships as anyone else. But instead of finding a kiss romantic, they may find wearing someone's collar to be romantic. Or a spanking may excite them more than conventional foreplay, and enhance their love for their partner.
--To a masochist, extreme sensation is perceived as pleasurable. You may compare it to a runner's high: the more intense the activity, the more their endorphins pump, and the more ecstatic they feel.
--A person who takes the submissive role is neither passive nor a victim. He or she has made a conscious decision to pursue BDSM and has probably looked long and hard to find a compatible dominant partner.
--BDSMers make explicit agreements about what they will and will not do together. Many use communication tools to ensure that they never overstep each other's boundaries. Examples of these include "safe words" (a word or phrase the submissive may utter when he or she wants an activity to end); "contracts" (written agreements outlining each partner's needs, desires, and expectations); and "negotiation" (the process of deciding what kind of relationship the partners want, and what level of commitment each will make). See A short lexicon of BDSM terminology for more terms.
--Dominance and abuse are as different as loving intercourse and rape. BDSM involves consenting adults who expect to derive pleasure from their experience.
--BDSMers may be aroused by "regular" sex too, but the BDSM acts give them the higher level of sexual satisfaction that they need to feel emotionally balanced.
--Not all submissives enjoy pain and not all dominant enjoy giving pain. Many BDSMers are only interested in sensual play, psychological domination or fetishes.
--Being into BDSM does not imply any psychological or emotional problems. BDSM is only a problem when an individual feels depressed or anguished about his or her sexuality.
--BDSM/fetishism cannot be cured. They are not diseases, for one. These desires are innate to individual sexual identity and usually persist throughout one's active sexual life. Counseling can only help people to accept their needs and to make healthful, positive choices.

8/19/2008 11:01:00 AM
Into BDSM = Easy? No
by Laura Goodwin
http://lauragoodwin.org/easy.htm

 Too many BDSM men and women seem to be totally lost about how to meet and court each other effectively. It's too easy to just fall into casual play, which works against building more solid relationships. Talk about sex and our BDSM preferences is going to come out early in relationships between BDSM people because otherwise we have no way of identifying each other, especially potential partners...but it doesn't mean, and needn't lead to, anything.
 Sure, you can tumble into a playful, erotic BDSM relationship that gives you a chance to have some fun and relieve some tensions but, if you do, then it's less likely to ripen into a deeper relationship.
 Intimacy is knowing each other, and that can't be faked or rushed. An IRC relationship does NOT count as KNOWING. You have to break bread together, spend time together, depend on each other, and go through time and trials together, ~in the flesh~: THAT'S KNOWING. People who know each other can be intimate, but knowing me by name and sight because you've been to my web site doesn't count. My husband knows me. My children know me. My friends know me. These are the people I'm intimate with even without sex.
 Sex is a poor shortcut to intimacy. Sex is in itself not intimate. Un-intimate sex is in fact the norm. Truly caring, intimate sexual relationships are rare (frankly because they require genuine attraction, maturity, dedication, mutual good will, and some skill). Good love doesn't just happen. I wish this wasn't true.
 I tell my doctor very personal things, and even occasionally grant her access to my pelvic cavity, but she doesn't then assume I'm eager to jump in the sack with her, and neither one of us thinks we are *friends*. Our relationship is not intimate, it's a business transaction: She's a healthcare professional and I'm her customer. This very personal stuff is in that context not at all personal. Talking about and even playing out BDSMmy things also needn't ever be *personal*, and it _won't_ be, unless you play your cards carefully. I'm not saying it's the way it should be, it's just the way it is.
 I know it's hard to stay cool when you have been emailing each other for months and you crossed three state lines just to "have coffee" together, but see how you set yourself up? Don't do that. If you are going to cross half the country to meet a potential mate, go like an ambassador to a foreign land, not like a sailor on leave, for pity's sake. If you are just going to cut a notch on your belt, cut one at home and save yourself the airfare.
 I understand how it happens. We are human beings. We crave touch and to be loved. As BDSM people we have a desperate need to have our fetish requirements catered to. It's hard for us to find someone even halfway congenial, and if you do find someone nice who is also kinky in a compatible way, it's difficult to slow your own ass down for deliberation. I'm not saying I never was hungry and never did stupid stuff because I was hungry...I have. We all have. Now it's time to show we all have learned something.
 If you are looking for love don't go whole hog on the first frigging date. Don't buy expensive gifts or go renting motel rooms before you even know each other. Just don't.

8/18/2008 1:41:29 AM

Intimacy
http://www.steel-door.com/intimacy.htm
 Intimacy is defined as a close personal relationship marked by deep affection and love, frequently characterized by depth of knowledge and attention.
 Intimacy is something we long for. To be cherished and held, understood and accepted by those we care about the most is at the center of whether we experience our life as meaningful and joyous. Yet intimacy is often quite difficult to achieve. As much as we long for it, being truly intimate with another human being also represents an exposure to danger. In order to achieve the sense of intimacy we so deeply desire we must open ourselves. We must surrender our defenses, the barriers and walls we have so carefully built within ourselves over our lifetime. Surrender of these oft used and very important devices is incredibly difficult. We can never be certain of the motives of the people we invite inside our walls. This uncertainty, alone, can be enough to prevent the development and nourishment of intimacy.
 At our center we are a 'core being', this is the pure self untainted by anger, rage, pain, embarrassment, shame, guilt, doubt. This core being is who we were before the challenges of life taught us that to be so innocent, so pure, was to be exposed to hurt, anguish, damage. What we truly long for is for another person to care enough, to be trustworthy enough, to share our core self with. We want someone to know our pure truth. That, is what we understand to be 'true intimacy'.
 As adults, we have not reached adulthood without sustaining damage. Without building walls and barriers to the very intimacy we want. We carry these shields as armor around our core self, protection from injury and unfortunately as protection from intimacy as well. There comes a point, particularly if the damage we have endured through our life has been extreme, where we begin to understand that we must heal our old wounds, the wounds still lingering open and pained, beneath the shield we long ago created around them. To heal these wounds we venture into our experiences of the past to face the wounds and comfort our core self, sharing self love with our self as well as the determination to be healed.
 Healing is a choice, a decision, a desire to be free of damage and pain. It is often a journey of the spirit, of the mind and of the body. On some level we understand that to be able to experience true intimacy with other people we will have to surrender, relinquish and release our armor. Within this understanding we begin to know this journey of the spirit, of the heart, of t