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Hetero Female Submissive, 39,  Florida
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Friends:
tearful

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I promise to take care of you when youre old. But the first time you hit me with your cane, Ill wash your dentures in toilet water. lol Just had to share this with you.

To the admins of CS... please bring back the ability to add to our journals.
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Ive been away for a few years. Had to take a break for health reasons, but decided to take a peek and see if the membership list has changed any. I updated age and location to reflect accurate information.


Im a proud card carrying Republican. If you have a problem with that, take it elsewhere because I really dont care. Yes, Im 100 percent on the Trump train. That man is going to do great things for our country if the damn liberals will get out of their feelings and let him do the job he was elected for.


Not looking for a relationship right now. Just friends, but if more happens...thats all good.

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Women dream not of equals, but of Masters.


there is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom ...something only a little girl can understand. Im looking for an OLDER Dominant Caucasian man that is gentle and willing to train me. I prefer someone who considers himself a Daddy. Im very petite and really enjoy a tall, dark haired, well built man. Im not interested in anyone that is abusive. I need and prefer the Daddydaughter type relationship.

I have a thing for Police Officers too, its that whole uniform, gun, handcuffs, and authority thing!!!!I enjoy football and baseball, swimming, actually anything that gets me outdoors. So the man I am seeking will also enjoy these things. I go to the gym daily, and prefer a man that is into fitness as much as I am.I guess I should elaborate more on what Im seeking in a man. You must be adventurous, active(no couch potatoes please), PHYSICALLY FIT, romantic, affectionate, SINGLE(absolutely no married or attached men), NON SMOKER, financially stable, emotionally stable and mature, very clean cut, and neat. Some facial hair is ok as long as it is well kept and trimmed neatly. Most importantly, he must be intelligent and well educated. If I sound like I am being demanding, Im sorry you look at it that way. I just know what I want in a future partner. I am not willing to sleep around with a bunch of men, so I feel I have the right to be selective. I am not about to become your pain slut, so if thats your idea of a Ds lifestyle, please pass me by.Im not experienced in the lifestyle, but I am a willing pupil for the right man. I may be a greenhorn, but Im not stupid. I am not interested in couples or females.

Yeah, im a brat. Actually Im a spoiled brat. I expect to be well cared for, loved, adored, and cherished for the loving submissive I am. If youre looking for someone to beat on and abuse, then just keep on looking for someone else.

Username:

Description:

State:

Height:

Weight:

Age:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Joined:

 Angellica

 Submissive Female

 Florida

 Under 5'

 85 lbs

 39

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 02/15/06

 

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Male

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 Horseback Riding (Expert)

 Classical Music

 Loves:

 Amusement Parks

 Antique Shows (Expert)

 Art Galleries (Expert)

 Fine Dining

 Going to the Opera (Expert)

 Movies

 Museums

 Shopping (Expert)

 Travel (Expert)

 Volunteerism

 Bicycling

 Camping

 Dancing

 Hiking

 Running (Expert)

 Sailing

 Scuba Diving

 Snorkeling

 Walking (Expert)

 TV Sports

 Web Surfing

 Intellectual Discourse

 Mathematics (Expert)

 Country Music

 Opera Music

 Operetta

 R&B

 Christianity

 Baseball

 Football

 Skiing

 Swimming (Expert)

 Likes:

 Beachcombing

 Fishing

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales

 Musical Theater

 Renaissance Faires (Beginner)

 Aerobics

 Climbing (Beginner)

 Gymnastics (Beginner)

 Pilates (Beginner)

 Rafting (Beginner)

 Rollerblading

 Yoga

 Board Games

 Card Games

 Comedy Shows

 TV News

 Cross Stitch

 Gardening

 Sewing

 Blogging (Beginner)

 Conservative Politics

 History

 Poetry

 Sky Diving

 Snowboarding (Beginner)

 Tolerates:

 Basketball

 Curious About:

 Martial Arts

 Skate Boarding

 Surf Boarding

 Tai-Chi

 Ultimate Frisbee

 Wind Surfing

 1950s Lifestyle

 Lifestyle BDSM

 Victorianism

 Dislikes:

 Bar Hopping

 Hunting

 Boxing

 Hates:

 Tattoos

 Hard Limits:

 Liberal Politics

 Polyamory

 Hip Hop Music

 Punk Rock Music

 Rap

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Journal Entries:
12/5/2021 11:04:05 AM

I'm going to ask you 3 questions. The answer to all 3 questions is..  addicted

Q. If an alcoholic drinks too much, they are?

A.

Q. If a drug addict takes too many drugs, they are?

A.

Q. What slapped you in your face this morning?

A.

 

 

 


11/27/2021 8:51:20 PM

Q... What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls?
A... A white Christmas.


11/27/2021 8:45:47 PM

Q... How do you make a pool table laugh?
A... Tickle it's balls.


11/27/2021 8:45:10 PM

Q... Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
A... Because she outgrew her B-shells.


11/27/2021 8:44:48 PM

A... What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A... A beaver dam.


11/27/2021 8:30:52 PM

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?  Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather. Perverted as when you use the whole bird.

 


11/27/2021 8:26:43 PM

Two man broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out a bulletin to be on the lookout for the hardened criminals.

 


11/25/2021 6:59:49 AM

OK, so what's Thanksgiving without a Thanksgiving day rant? Here you go!

This is to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards.  Will you please avoid anything that has red or blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to break hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seatbelt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

 


11/25/2021 6:54:21 AM

Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone. 


11/20/2021 8:20:00 AM

Someone recently asked if I missed you.
I didn't answer.
I just closed my eyes and walked away.
Then I whispered, "More than life itself."

 


11/19/2021 12:08:28 PM

I didn't fall in love with you because I was lonely or lost.
I fell in love with you, because when I saw you for the first time it was the only time that I have ever wanted to make someone a permanent part of my world.


11/19/2021 11:47:47 AM

One day you'll finally meet someone you can trust with everything.
One day you'll have your best friend.
Your biggest supporter and your teammate.
All wrapped up in one person.

 

 


11/19/2021 11:20:45 AM

Signs you have met your soulmate....

You share similar backgrounds.

You have the same values and life goals, despite having different personalities.

You have an electric attraction.

You have a strong intuitive knowledge towards one another.

You met an unusual ways.

 


11/19/2021 11:06:43 AM

True love leaves a memory no one can steal. But it can leave a pain that no one can heal. 


11/11/2021 2:44:31 PM

Anyone wanna hat a joke?

Hey dad, Little Johnny was at the playground making ugly faces at little Susie. Miss Ratsniff saw this and ran over to little Johnny.

She said "When I was a little girl and I made ugly faces like that, my daddy told me that ugly face would stick.

Well Johnny smiled and said, "Well teach, you can't say he didn't warn you!"


11/10/2021 8:44:50 AM

Y'all know what day it is???  It's TRUMP Day!

I'm pissing off the liberal snowflakes without even trying.  Gotta love it! 

 


11/8/2021 9:52:04 PM

Hurray!  Journals are back.


4/21/2018 4:03:35 PM
Your "ass"trological sign

Aries:  stubborn ass
Taurus:  greedy ass
Gemini:  crazy ass
Cancer:  lazy ass
Leo: boss ass
Virgo:  cheeky ass
Libra:  smart ass
Scorpio:  nasty ass
Sagittarius:  dumb ass
Capricorn:  irritating ass
Aquarius:  boring ass
Pisces:  spoiled ass

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

4/21/2018 3:18:44 PM
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks May I ask what is it you are waiting for?
The old woman answers... THE TEETH.

4/21/2018 3:07:59 PM
SENIORS UNDERSTANDING DIRECTIONS

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

4/21/2018 3:03:43 PM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.

The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

4/21/2018 10:28:58 AM
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

4/21/2018 10:23:54 AM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.

4/21/2018 8:44:49 AM
Aunty went out for a night on the town with the girls, telling Walt she’ll be home around midnight.

Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.

She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound.
Knowing her Walt will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.

Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!

That next morning during breakfast Walt looked at Aunty, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”

“Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. Walt didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!

“Well,” Walt said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

“Why do you say that?” Aunty asked.

“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh sh*t,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

4/21/2018 8:38:01 AM
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and…. OH.. MY.. GOD!”

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you I accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

From the back of the plane, a passenger yelled.. “You should see the back of mine!”

4/21/2018 12:07:17 AM
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife: "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."

So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road. The cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."

"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

4/21/2018 12:01:26 AM
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.

On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"

And she says "I was hungry."

The judge says "What did you take?"

She replies, "A can of peaches."

So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?"

The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served.

The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, "She stole a can of peas too"

4/20/2018 11:57:05 PM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

4/20/2018 11:49:39 PM
Aunty brought her very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

Aunty wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at Aunty and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to Aunty..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

4/20/2018 11:42:49 PM
TRUTHS about marriage any wife will agree with...

My husband thinks i’m crazy...but I’m not the one who married me!

Marriage should be like a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops

I love being Married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is a fairy tale… just in reverse. You start out at a ball in a gown and end up spending all day cleaning up after little people.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Marriage is all about spending the rest of your life with someone you want to strangle and not doing it because you’d miss them.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can’t take care of himself.

& finally

Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

4/20/2018 11:28:49 PM
Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.

Hell, they forgot to mention...

Morons.

4/20/2018 11:25:20 PM
Text code for seniors.......

LOL- Little old lady
GOM- Grumpy old man
GGA- Got gas again
FWIW- Forgot where I was
PIMP- Pooped In my pants
BYOT- Bring your own teeth
TTYL- Talk to you louder
CUATSC- See you at the senior center
SGGP- Sorry gotta go poop
ROFLACGU- Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

4/20/2018 11:23:47 PM
A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

4/20/2018 11:14:36 PM
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

4/20/2018 11:12:54 PM
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Walt, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Walt is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Walt, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Walt looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Walt passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Walt."

"You're not Walt. Walt just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Walt," insists the voice.

"Walt! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Walt. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Walt says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

4/20/2018 11:09:40 PM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.

The cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

The cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

The cop says,"You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

The cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down? "

4/20/2018 11:06:10 PM
So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.

A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

4/20/2018 12:04:31 AM
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him, “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

4/20/2018 12:01:08 AM
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

4/19/2018 11:59:16 PM
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exerated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

4/18/2018 10:38:56 AM

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take irin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.


4/18/2018 10:33:55 AM

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


4/15/2018 8:30:12 PM
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gun powder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this every morning, and lived to be 93 years old. When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

4/15/2018 10:22:58 AM

A thief, a liar, and a cheater walk into a bar. the bartender says "good evening Mrs Clinton"
------------

Hillary Clinton was addressing a group of American Indians in New York telling them all she did as senator and all she plans to do for them as President.
At the end of the meeting the chief gave her a plaque with her honorary indian name, Walking Eagle.
After she left someone asked the chief if there is any meaning to that name.
He said "A walking Eagle is a bird that is so full of crap, it can not fly."
------------












4/15/2018 9:31:11 AM
Some snowflake triggers...........


Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail
-------------

What was Hillary Clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.
-------------

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.
-------------

Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Hilary Clinton introduced?
Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff.
-------------

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
-------------

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.
-------------

Now we know why Bill had the affair with Monica?
Hillary only blows elections.
-------------

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a plane.
The plane crashed. Who survived?
America
-------------

What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
------------

What movie does Hillary watch when she's in a bad mood?
Kill Bill.
------------

4/9/2018 6:54:59 PM
There are two types of people in this world: The Workers and the Grumblers.
You can always distinguish them. The workers never grumble and the grumblers never work.

4/9/2018 6:29:10 PM
Did you ever notice when you put the two words, the and irs together you get Theirs?

4/8/2018 11:48:41 AM
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. ... Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a$% you grouchy old b!#@h!"

4/6/2018 12:10:03 PM
HEART ATTACKS AND WATER !
How many folks do you know who say they don't want to drink anything before going to bed because they'll have to get up during the night.
Heart Attack and Water - I never knew all of this ! Interesting.......
Something else I didn't know ... I asked my Doctor why people need to urinate so much at night time. Answer from my Cardiac Doctor - Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the lower body (legs and etc) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier. This then ties in with the last statement!
I knew you need your minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me. Correct time to drink water...
Very Important. From A Cardiac Specialist!
Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body
2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs
1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion
1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure
1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack
I can also add to this... My Physician told me that water at bed time will also help prevent night time leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse.
Mayo Clinic irin Dr. Virend Somers, is a Cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic, who is lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.
Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon. Having one during the night, when the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.
1. If you take an irin or a baby irin once a day, take it at night.
The reason: irin has a 24-hour "half-life"; therefore, if most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the irin would be strongest in your system.
2. FYI, irin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest, for years, (when it gets old, it smells like vinegar).
Please read on...
Something that we can do to help ourselves - nice to know. Bayer is making crystal irin to dissolve instantly on the tongue.
They work much faster than the tablets.
Why keep irin by your bedside? It's about Heart Attacks.
There are other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.
The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
If that happens, immediately dissolve two irins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.
Afterwards: - Call 911. - Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by.- Say "heart attack!" - Say that you have taken 2 irins.
Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and ...DO NOT LIE DOWN!
A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved!
I have already shared this information. What about you?
Do forward this message. It may save lives!
"Life is a one time gift"

4/6/2018 11:57:19 AM
It’s been revealed that Facebook is indeed scanning and reading your private messages. When confronted about this embarrassing revelation CEO Mark Zuckerberg wished that everyone would respect his privacy during this trying time.

4/6/2018 11:49:37 AM
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.
I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
The profanity wasn't necessary, but thank you for not siccing him on me.

4/6/2018 10:01:07 AM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

4/6/2018 9:55:09 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.


3/31/2018 11:47:38 AM
roflmao!! This must be "trigger a liberal" day.  They come out of the woodwork like the snowflakes they are. 

Damn, it really is a good day to be a Trump supporter.

3/31/2018 10:48:02 AM
I am a submissive woman. I'm proud to call myself submissive.
My submission is a gift that I do not give casually, and it will only
be given to the One who appreciates that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to He who has the strength will I give myself fully,
because I am strong and proud. 

3/24/2018 8:25:17 AM

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof’ department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’


3/24/2018 7:47:29 AM

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”


3/24/2018 7:21:01 AM

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo – and he doesn’t travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the chauffeur, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the chauffeur.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

“Bigger.”

“Governor?” The Chief asked.

“Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

“I think it’s God!” the cop exclaimed.

“What makes you think that?”

“Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”


3/23/2018 6:39:42 PM
Some guys get so butthurt when they are rejected.  lol  Move on to the next girl  if one rejects you.  Good grief, don't be a sore loser. 
Just because you were interested in me and think you're the cat's meow, does not mean I have to return those feelings. 


3/18/2018 10:38:53 PM

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the igerator.” Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”


3/18/2018 10:28:54 PM
For all those sexy senior citizens thinking of or already retired......

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida’s southeast coast. We are living in the “Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”. There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by ging for breath and CPR. I put on my ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it’s time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We’re usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we’re late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we’re home, ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 pm we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we’re connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for ‘The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray’s Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There’s no difference — they’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.


3/18/2018 9:02:27 PM

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Faith and begorah! Is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?” she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too.”


3/10/2018 8:24:06 AM
Let's see if I can draw out any more snowflakes to put on block.  LOL

A guy walks into a bar in New York City, where all the bartenders are robots.The guy sits down at the bar and the robot asks, "What will you have?"
The guy replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's you IQ?"
The guy says, "168"
The robot talks about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
After the guy leaves, he pauses at the street corner and thinks about what he just encountered. The more he thinks about it, the more curious he becomes, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, "What's your drink?"
The guy replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's you IQ?"
This time the man replies, "100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodel, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to do one more test. He returns, the robot serves him a drink and asks "What's you IQ?"
The man replies 'er... 50 i think.'
And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for the Liberals again?"

2/24/2018 7:25:25 PM
Let's see who I can trigger this evening!  roflmao!! I'm feeling mischievous this evening.

Life is great with President Donald J. Trump in the White House! 

You've heard of hump day? Well it's now called Trump Day! 

Have a wonderful evening.

2/23/2018 10:46:59 PM
My my my! The morons abound on CS. I love it when someone makes up an account just so they can contact me to be an asshole.  Especially when they are such wimps that they hit and run like  the little boys they really are.  You know who you are.  Your newest account has been blocked. So keep wasting your time, making up those accounts.

But remember....
KARMA IS A BITCH!

2/22/2018 7:48:41 PM
His voice..... chills down my spine
His eyes.....  promise of paradise
His smile....  sunshine
His touch.... I melt
His kisses.... ecstasy!

2/22/2018 7:39:21 PM
A real lover is the man that can thrill you with just a look.

2/5/2018 6:02:06 PM
DEFINITION of  "OLD"
#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD."
 
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
 
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
#4
I've sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth,
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
 
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
 
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Walmart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
 
#7 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be....
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 
#8 
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 
#9 
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
 
#10 
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
 
#11 
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

2/5/2018 5:09:52 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand; as Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria, found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor),
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
 
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
 
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

2/5/2018 5:03:50 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
 
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
 
"An ambulance just drove by!"
 
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
 
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
 
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
 
"Jason is on his skate board!"
 
After a few moments he announced,
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
 
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
 
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

2/5/2018 4:59:42 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.  Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.  Soon the church was empty - except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate  enemy was in his presence... So Satan walked up to the man and said,
'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'   Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.   'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the  old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you  profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied; 'Been married to your sister for 48 years...'

1/25/2018 12:58:58 PM
Snowman
 
What a morning...

8:00 I made a snowman.
 
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it should have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone called the cops who show up to see what was going on.
8:42 I was told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.
        Things get worse after I muttered: "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I was blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I was on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I was asked, repeatedly, if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility....

1/21/2018 10:27:27 AM
Time to piss some more democrats off.......

1/21/2018 9:53:42 AM
George Michael- A Different Corner

I'd say love was a magical flame
I'd say love would keep us from pain
Had I been there, had I been there
I would promise you all of my life
But to lose you would cut like a knife
So I don't dare, no I don't dare
'Cause I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared
Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care
I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze
Little by little you've brought me to my knees
Don't you care
No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
I'm so scared of this love
And if all that there is, is this fear of being used
I should go back to being lonely and confused
If I could, I would, I swear

12/22/2017 2:33:20 PM
I wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!  2017 has been a good year for me and I'm counting my blessings just to be alive and well again.

I'm off to Colorado for almost 2 weeks of fun on the slopes. It's been a while since I was able to ski and I have really missed it. I'll try to check messages, but no promises of responding until I get back in 2018.

Merry Christmas!!

12/11/2017 12:30:59 AM

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes.

Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "fu*king mosquitoes, fu*king mosquitoes."

Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullsh*t!"

"Well, tell me three things on this earth that God has made without a purpose" says the priest.

Little Johnny looks at him and replies,

“Tits on a nun, Balls on a priest, and these fu*king Mosquitoes.”


12/11/2017 12:22:39 AM

An atheist was walking through the woods..


'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....


He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....


and then ..... He tripped and fell.


Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ....
reaching towards him with its left paw ...
and raising the right paw to strike ...

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'


Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ...


A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ..


"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ....
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"


"Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ..
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"


.. a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...


The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...


And the bear dropped his right arm ....
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive


12/8/2017 7:56:45 PM
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.
 
This decision was not due to any religious reasons.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the nation's capital.
 
The search for a Virgin also continues.
 
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable (all of which are 2 legged).

11/28/2017 11:24:44 PM
A golfer is having a great round, but hits his ball falls into a yard next to the
golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign?

It says, 'Private Property - Stay Out!'

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now!
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand.
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back
and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, Sir, and I believe every prick
should have two balls."

11/26/2017 8:31:19 PM
ROFLMAO!!  Oklahoma, you have way too many idiots in your state. Sadly some of them have found their way here.  You know who you are. Go back to school honey. "Know" is not the correct word you were looking for. What you meant was "no." And the word you were trying to find is "traitor," not "trader."

YES, I am a proud American supporter of President Trump. Just because you're pissed off your candidate lost, does NOT give you the right to call us names and act like we're the idiots.  Take a good long look in your mirror. The reflection you see is the real moron.


11/24/2017 11:10:46 AM
What's with all the e-mails from people with no profile, but asking me to click some link to see them?  Yeah! I wasn't born yesterday folks.
Take your spam and shove it.

11/21/2017 5:26:30 PM
For those of you who like anal. You'll enjoy this little video.  Laughing. Use left and right arrows to navigate.

Wink. Use left and right arrows to navigate.



God's Loophole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgLI6IbMp78

I hope you have a sense of humor.  lol

11/1/2017 7:06:29 AM
I'm a survivor of what the docs diagnosed as stage 4 breast cancer and lung cancer. It's been a long and definitely painful trip back to good health. I've had a double mastectomy, plastic surgery to replace what the docs had to remove and part of a lung removed. Scars are fading with time and surgery, but will still have some scarring. But damn! It's good to be alive and cancer free at last.

11/1/2012 11:42:45 PM

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.  This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

 

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER ITll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

 

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money t oward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mezamies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousandtanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America . Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.


11/1/2012 11:03:20 PM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Tyrone stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Tyrone ?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * *
Little Tyrone watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Tyrone . 'Giving up?'


11/1/2012 10:03:46 PM

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said "OK take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The worried
woman asked anxiously "Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."


10/30/2012 11:32:29 PM

Oh boy!  I received an e-mail from CollarMe support telling me to remove all my pics from the journal.  They said it isn't allowed. 

If that's the case then why do they have the option so you can post pics in the journals? 

 

I guess someone didn't like all my nobama pics.  lol 

 


10/30/2012 12:10:13 AM

LMAO!!!  i love getting accused of being a man.  And from someone who posts a female profile so he can out the females that request money from others.  lol  As many of you know i have never asked anyone for money on here, and you know i am a female either from talking to me on the phone, or actual meetings with me.

 

So to the idiot that sent me an e-mail accusing me of being a man.... BITE MY ASS!

 

NOW GO GET A LIFE YOU PATHETiC LITTLE BOY!


10/14/2012 12:53:45 AM

Q:  What's the difference between illegal aliens and space aliens?

 

A:   Occasionally space aliens go back to where they came from.


9/22/2012 11:35:40 AM

It's really amazing how the democrats hate it when someone doesn't agree with them. They send nasty e-mails and call you names.  LOL  We're not allowed to form our own opinions.

 

 

Q:  Does anyone know why God created democrats? 

 

A:  Because not everyone could be perfect and be a Republican.  He needed  someone he could look down on and laugh his ass off about.

 


9/16/2012 10:36:40 PM

It does matter! Here is a list that may refresh your memories.

WHEN - he refused to disclose who donated money to his election campaign, as other candidates had done, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he received endorsements from people like Louis Farrakhan, Muramar Kaddafi and Hugo Chavez, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- it was pointed out that he was a total newcomer and had absolutely no experience at anything except community organizing, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he chose friends and acquaintances such as Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn who were revolutionary radicals, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- his voting record in the Illinois Senate and in the U.S. Senate came into question, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he refused to wear a flag lapel pin and did so only after a public outcry, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- people started treating him as a Messiah and children in schools were taught to sing his praises, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he stood with his hands over his groin area for the playing of the National Anthem and Pledge of Allegiance, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he surrounded himself in the White House with advisors who were pro-gun control, pro-abortion, pro-homosexual marriage and wanting to curtail freedom of speech to silence the opposition, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he said he favors sex education in kindergarten, including homosexual indoctrination, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- his personal background was either scrubbed or hidden and nothing could be found about him, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- the place of his birth was called into question, and he refused to produce a birth certificate, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he had an association in Chicago with Tony Rezco - a man of questionable character and who is now in prison and had helped Obama to a sweet deal on the purchase of his home - people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- it became known that George Soros, a multi-billionaire Marxist, spent a ton of money to get him elected, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he started appointing White House Czars that were radicals, revolutionaries, and even avowed Marxist /Communists, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he stood before the Nation and told us that his intentions were to "fundamentally transform this Nation" into something else, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- it became known that he had trained ACORN workers in Chicago and served as an attorney for ACORN, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed cabinet members and several advisors who were tax cheats and socialists, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed a Science Czar, John Holdren, who believes in forced abortions, mass sterilizations and seizing babies from teen mothers, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed Cass Sunstein as Regulatory Czar who believes in "Explicit Consent," harvesting human organs without family consent and allowing animals to be represented in court, while banning all hunting, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed Kevin Jennings, a homosexual and organizer of a group called Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Education Network as Safe School Czar and it became known that he had a history of bad advice to teenagers, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed Mark Lloyd as Diversity Czar who believes in curtailing free speech, taking from one and giving to another to spread the wealth, who supports Hugo Chavez, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- Valerie Jarrett, an avowed Socialist, was selected as Obama's Senior White House Advisor, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- Anita Dunn, White House Communications Director, said Mao Tse Tung was her favorite philosopher and the person she turned to most for inspiration, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed Carol Browner, a well known socialist as Global Warming Czar working on Cap and Trade as the nation's largest tax, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he appointed Van Jones, an ex-con and avowed Communist as Green Energy Czar, who since had to resign when this was made known, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- Tom Daschle, Obama's pick for Health and Human Services Secretary could not be confirmed because he was a tax cheat, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- as President of the United States , he bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , people said it didn't matter..

WHEN- he traveled around the world criticizing America and never once talking of her greatness, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- his actions concerning the Middle East seemed to support the Palestinians over Israel , our long time ally, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he took American tax dollars to resettle thousands of Palestinians from Gaza to the United States , people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he upset the Europeans by removing plans for a missile defense system against the Russians, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he played politics in Afghanistan by not sending troops early-on when the Field Commanders said they were necessary to win, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he started spending us into a debt that was so big we could not pay it off, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he took a huge spending bill under the guise of stimulus and used it to pay off organizations, unions, and individuals that got him elected, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he took over insurance companies, car companies, banks, etc., people said it didn't matter.

WHEN - he took away student loans from the banks and put it through the government, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he designed plans to take over the health care system and put it under government control, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he claimed he was a Christian during the election and tapes were later made public that showed Obama speaking to a Muslim group and 'stating' that he was raised a Muslim, was educated as a Muslim, and is still a Muslim, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN- he set into motion a plan to take over the control of all energy in the United States through Cap and Trade, people said it didn't matter.

WHEN-  he finally completed his transformation of America into a Socialist State , people woke up---

but it was too late. Add these up one by one and you get a phenomenal score that points to the fact that Barrack Hussein Obama is determined to turn America into a Marxist-Socialist society.

All of the items in the preceding paragraphs have been put into place.

All can be documented very easily. Before you disavow this do an Internet search.

The last paragraph alone is not yet cast in stone. You and I will write that paragraph.


Will it read as above or will it be a more happy ending for most of America?

Don't just belittle the opposition. Search for the truth.

We all need to pull together or watch the demise of a free democratic society.

Pray for Americans to seek the truth and take action for it will keep us FREE.

Our biggest enemy is not China, Russia, North Korea or Iran.

Our biggest enemy is a contingent of politicians in Washington, DC.

The government will not help, so we need to do it ourselves.

Question....will you delete this, or pass it on to others who don't know about Obama's actions and plans for the USA, so that they may know how to vote in November, 2012 and the ensuing years?

It's your decision. I believe it does matter. How about you?

WHEN - November 2012 comes, it will matter who you vote for!

"When you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing; when you see that money is flowing to those who deal not in goods, but in favors; when you see that men get rich more easily by graft than by work, and your laws no longer protect you against them, but protect them against you, you may know that your society is doomed. Ayn Rand


9/16/2012 10:08:51 PM

The Star Spangled Banner as you've never heard it before....

 

pt #1 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMzmvrPRuTs&feature=player_embedded#t=88s

 

pt #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkqZLCK0jAE&feature=player_embedded#t=97s

 

 


9/16/2012 8:28:20 PM

The choice is clear....

 

Do you want a businessman who generated BILLIONS?

                       OR

A president who wasted TRILLIONS?


9/16/2012 8:16:41 PM

 

This tells the story, why Bush was so bad at the end of his term.

 

Don’t just skim over this, it’s not very long, read it
Slowly and let it sink in. If in doubt, check it out!

 

The day the democrats took over was not January 22nd 2009;
it was actually January 3rd, 2007 the day the Democrats took over the House of Representatives and the Senate, at the very start of the 110th Congress.

 

The Democrat Party controlled a majority in both chambers
for the first time since the end of the 103rd Congress in 1995.

 

For those who are listening to the liberals propagating the fallacy that everything is "Bush's Fault", think about this:

 

January 3rd, 2007 was the day the Democrats took over the Senate and the Congress. At the time: The DOW Jones closed at 12,621.77The GDP for the previous quarter was 3.5% The unemployment rate was 4.6%George Bush's Economic policies SET A RECORD of 52 STRAIGHT MONTHS of JOB GROWTH

 

Remember the day...

January 3rd, 2007 was the day that Barney Frank took over the House Financial Services Committee and Chris Dodd took over the Senate Banking Committee.

 

The economic meltdown that happened 15 months later was in what part of the economy?

BANKING AND FINANCIAL SERVICES!

Unemployment... to this CRISIS by (among MANY other things) dumping 5-6 TRILLION Dollars of toxic loans on the economy from YOUR Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac FIASCOES!

 

Bush asked Congress 17 TIMES to stop Fannie & Freddie - starting in 2001 because it was financially risky for the US economy.

And who took the THIRD highest pay-off from Fannie Mae AND Freddie Mac? OBAMA

 

And who fought against reform of Fannie and Freddie? OBAMA and the Democrat Congress

 

So when someone tries to blame Bush, REMEMBER JANUARY 3rd, 2007.... THE DAY THE DEMOCRATS TOOK OVER!"

 

Budgets do not come from the White House. They come from Congress and the party that controlled Congress since January 2007 is the Democrat Party.  Furthermore, the Democrats controlled the budget process for 2008 & 2009 as well as 2010 & 2011.

 

In that first year, they had to contend with George Bush, which caused them to compromise on spending, when Bush somewhat belatedly got tough on spending increases.

 

For 2009 though, Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid bypassed George Bush entirely, passing continuing resolutions to keep government running until Barack Obama could take office. At that time, they passed a massive Omnibus spending bill to complete the 2009 budgets.

 

And where was Barack Obama during this time? He was a member of that very Congress that passed all of these massive spending bills, and he signed the omnibus bill as President to complete 2009.

 

If the Democrats inherited any deficit, it was the 2007 deficit, the last of the Republican budgets. That deficit was the lowest in five years, and the fourth straight decline in deficit spending. After that, Democrats in Congress took control of spending, and that includes Barack Obama, who voted for the budgets.

 

If Obama inherited anything, he inherited it from himself. In a nutshell, what Obama is saying is I inherited a deficit that I voted for and then I voted to expand that deficit four-fold since January 20th.

 

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!

 

We must limit Obama to one term.  It would be nice to keep this going until November 2012...


9/16/2012 8:02:13 PM

Do you really want 4 more years of the same empty promises? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5VMX2JahrU&feature=player_embedded


9/16/2012 7:48:22 PM

The news and photos of this happening were censored by liberal power houses like George Soros, who controls all media including, print and TV.  After a lot of searching, someone came up with this site.  The liberals with George Soros on their side are doing a lot of censoring of the Internet search engines.

Below is the note from the circulator to my friend who FWD"ed it to me.  Good ole YouTube came through though.

This happened in Va,

But didn't see anything on the news about the people lining the street...

LOVE THOSE RESIDENTS IN CENTREVILLE!!!!!!!!

President Obama held a campaign event in Centreville, Virginia, on July 14th, 2012 prompting about 250 local residents to welcome him.

 Here's a short video of that event with music by Randy Travis....

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVLOZuGM1BM&feature=player_embedded


9/16/2012 6:26:10 PM

INEPTOCRACY

 

  

I love this word. Finally, a way to describe Obama and his voters, and all the Occupiers nationwide ......

 

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.


9/16/2012 3:27:43 PM

If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove "you're not a racist".....

Then you'll have to vote for someone else in 2012...

to prove "you're not an idiot".

 

OBAMA must go, our country can't handle another 4 years of his kind of change.

 

 


9/16/2012 11:35:14 AM

The Gift and the Giver, the Rebel, the Thief, and the Stranger and his Glue

The Giver was alone, and the Gift unused: the Giver felt lonely, and sought to find someone worthy of the Gift.

The Rebel came along and saw the Gift the Giver possessed, and desired the Gift for himself. Rather than ask the Giver for the Gift, or ask what the Giver wanted for the Gift, the Rebel decided that social rules did not apply to him, and simply said "Give me the gift."

The Giver knew that the Gift was fragile and would be destroyed if mistreated, and did not trust the Rebel; for how many of those who are impolite are also delicate? But the Giver did not wish to offend, and so said to the Rebel "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."

The Rebel grew angry and blustered "But I deserve the Gift. I am special and I deserve that things be given to me."

The Giver, glad to have trusted her first instinct, merely repeated: "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."

And the Rebel, still complaining, went his way.

The Giver sat under a willow tree, contemplating the Gift and wondering about the qualities needed to really appreciate the Gift; as she was sitting there the sun and the breeze and the sound of the creek below lulled her into a doze.

The Thief, who had overheard the Rebel and the Giver, was waiting for just this moment. Dashing out from behind a nearby bush, he made a grab for the Gift; grasping it he started to run away.

However, the Giver was awakened by this and reached out to stop the Thief. "Give that back!" cried the Giver. "It is not yours! You have no right!" So saying, she reached out, trying to retrieve the Gift.

The Thief said "I do not care if it was not mine, I have possession of it so it is now my property." And so saying, he pulled again at the Gift, hoping to wrench it from the Giver.

In the ensuing struggle, the Gift was fouled, battered, and broken. The Thief, deciding he did not want a damaged Gift, finally let go and said "You keep it; it is now worthless."

The Giver cried at the state of the Gift, which she had hoped to find someone worthy of; it was dirty, pieces were missing and scattered in the grass around her, and the intact parts were bent and dented. She began to believe the Thief's assessment of the Gift: perhaps it no longer mattered who it belonged to, worthless as it was.

But then she noticed that her tears made clean streaks on the Gift as they fell, and she thought that perhaps if some of it could be cleaned, all of it could; perhaps she could make her Gift have worth once again. She took the Gift and its broken pieces to the creek, where she began to wash them.

The Gift was easy to clean, but in trying to wash the pieces that had been broken from it, the Giver lost one. She began to lose hope again. Yet she was still determined to try to repair the Gift.

Hours passed as she fit pieces back together where they would stay. Some pieces she could not make stay, however. From behind her, a voice: "Perhaps this Glue could help you mend your Gift." She turned to see a Stranger, holding a small tube of Glue. She took the Glue and thanked the Stranger, then finished repairing her Gift with the Stranger's Glue.

When she turned to give the Glue back to the Stranger, he was gone. She thought to herself that this Stranger had thought her Gift worthy enough to donate his Glue, and not even demand payment, nor even ask for the Glue to be returned. Perhaps her Gift had worth after all.

And as she sat and contemplated her Gift, she realized that the Stranger was the type of person who would neither ask nor demand a Gift, nor would he take, but rather he would give. And she thought to herself that the Stranger was a Giver too. And who better to appreciate a Gift but a Giver?

So she sought out the Stranger, and when she found him, she tried to return the Glue to him. He thanked her, but said that she should keep the Glue, in case the Gift should break again.

And the Giver said "In that case, you should accept the Glue, for I wish to give the Gift to you." And so saying, she placed the Gift in the Stranger's hands.

The Stranger looked at the Gift, and said "This is too precious; I do not know if I can take care of this Gift." The Giver said "I believe that you can, and I will stay with you and help you care for the Gift when you falter."

So the Stranger and the Giver took the Gift together, sharing in it and sharing it, and held it as an example for all to see.

-----------------------------

 

Thank you TruWiz for sharing this beautiful story with me.


9/14/2012 3:01:25 AM

Masters Breakfast

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T'-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment Master!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!

"Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks Master," and returned to the cooker, herT-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

Thats when I spanked her.........


9/14/2012 2:57:08 AM

Things not to do to your Dominant

 

Don't switch his tylenol out for midol or pampmrin
Don't put a woopie cushion beneath his computer chair
Don't offer to switch out his decaf coffee for regular, because most likely you didn't tell him you switched him to decaf
Don't offer to switch out his morning coffee with some vinegar so it matches his pissy ass mood
DO NOT ever ever ever ever offer to give him an enema cause hes full of shit
Don't record my big fat greek wedding over his girl on girl porn
Don't replace his playboy magazines with an issue of modern bride
Don't empty out his scotch and replace it with peach tea, cause he needs to go easy on the sauce (when he only drinks once in a blue moon)
DONT' evah evah evah EVER ask him if He can get into your pants, if he replies NO, DON'T tell him that with that attitude he won't either
Don't offer to put mustard in his food, to help eliminate the hot air he seems to be full of


9/14/2012 2:47:40 AM

Things a good sub should NOT DO.

 

1.  Sing "Happy Birthday To Me" during wax play, make a wish & blow out the candle.

2.  Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safe word.

3.  During a scene, do your best Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

4.  If your Dom tells you to "Look me in the eyes," do it cross-eyed.

5.  If your Dom decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say "La, La, La, Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!"

6.  If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

7.  Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered.

8.  After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell "Gotcha!"

9.  Go in the toy bag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.~~(though I've considered that one, myself).

10. Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on! Clap off!)

11. "Oh my god, where did you get those, they're gorgeous!" ..., is APPARANTLY NOT considered boot worship. hand on hip/rolls eyes WHO KNEW?!

12. Wearing a red plastic firemans hat & doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation shouting "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during your Dom's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.

13. Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.

14. Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.

15. Checking Master's head for a 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.

16. "I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.

17. "Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.

18. When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek

19. "Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.

20. During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Boris Carloff's Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master", when ordered to do something.

21. Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is probably not the best idea.

22. Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers/dom violence counselors.


9/13/2012 10:39:15 PM

http://youtu.be/-Bo4BXVQvjE

 

Love this cute little video.  The purple hippo is adorable.


9/13/2012 12:44:06 PM

Contract between Daddy and His little girl

 

1. Daddy is always right, except when He isn't. When He isn't, the little girl has
the obligation to bring to Daddy's attention His incorrect perceptions and
false notions.

 

2. The little girl has the right to hide any of Daddy's toys she does not like.
Daddy then has the right to use the toy on the little girl, only if He can find them.

 

3. The Daddy may be under the impression the little girl has done something she
should not have been doing. The little girl may then point out that not only did
she not do such a thing, but also is under strict obligation to tell Daddy
who did it, and Daddy has to believe her.

 

4. The Daddy owns the little girl totally and has all rights to her body and
complete say over how she behaves. The little girl has the right to respectfully
and politely request things of her Daddy, over and over again if need be.

 

5. The little girl is to please her Daddy with every deed and thought she has and
is to bring to Daddy's attention that this does indeed please Him, even if
He says it doesn't.

 

6. The little girl has the right to sign this contract on Daddy's behalf, so as
not to bother Him.

 

7. The little girl has the right to add to and amend any of these points, upon
consultation with Daddy, even if He is not present for the consultation.

 

8. Daddy has the right to use the "Just because I want to" reason for His
actions at any time. The little girl then has the right to try and talk Daddy out
of it.

 

9. The Daddy is to remember that His little girl is a sweet and innocent angel at all
times.

 

10. The little girl has the right to remind Daddy that she is totally guileless
and above reproach.  Everything she does, she is to do for Him and she can
also remind Him of that fact.


9/13/2012 9:53:53 AM

Good words, but they aren't safe words..

 

"Ouch"

"Sadistic son of a bitch"

"Sadistic fucker"

"your momma...anything"

"You spank like a little bitch"

"is that all you got?"

 

 

 


9/13/2012 9:06:56 AM

Doing what they said, not what they meant......

 

 

Does anyone else get a kick out of the expression on Daddy's face when you follow their instructions a little too literally?

 

For example:

  • Daddy says "turn around" so you turn 360 degrees and smirk at them (they didn't say how far they wanted you to turn)
  • Daddy says "make me a sandwich" so you go to the kitchen, make a sandwich, and leave it sitting on the counter (never said they wanted you to bring the sandwich, right?)
  • Daddy says "don't stick out your tongue at me" so you look away from them when you do it (you aren't sticking your tongue out "at them" if you're not even looking in their direction)
  • Daddy says "go stand in the corner" so you walk to the corner, stand there for a second, then turn around and come back (never said how long you were to stand there)

i mean, anyone would think it's OUR fault that they don't make their instructions more specific.  If they're going to leave loopholes, how can they blame us for using them?


9/13/2012 8:01:40 AM

Shamelessly borrowed from another site.....

 

How to spank a brat

 

First step... catch her.
Second step...hold on to her.
Third step... while holding on to her. Try to get to your cuffs/rope/ whatever you can get your hands on.
Fourth step... carry her to the bed
Fifth step... stop and try to catch your breath. (while still trying to hold on to her)
Sixth step... catch her again
Seventh step... threaten her with bodily harm if she doesn't stand still
Eighth step... catch her again.
Ninth step... threaten to gag her if she doesn't stop laughing.
Tenth step... drag her back to the bed
Eleventh step...secure her wiggling body
Twelfth step... choose your paddle/ crop/ flogger/ whatever is handy.
Thirteenth step...gag her to stop the giggling.
Fourteenth step...repeatedly smack her ass till she quits shaking with laughter.
Fifteenth step...continue spanking till she starts to moan.
Sixteenth step... give up. No matter what you do, you know she's enjoying the hell out of it. This isn't punishment, it's her way of making you please her.




4/24/2011 12:15:43 PM

161 Condom Slogans

 

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your d*ck
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her


4/24/2011 12:09:36 PM

A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."


4/24/2011 12:08:27 PM
Horse And Chicken A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

4/22/2011 5:54:29 PM

Two truck drivers stopped late at night at a Family Diner to find some food. Their waitress was the ugliest old woman in the state with hair growing from her nose and ears, sweat stains stiffer than the best starch and bare feet.

 

We're almost closed but we'll find something to fix for you hard workers, the Waitress told them.

 

I'll have a couple of hamburgers and fries ordered one guy. The other driver wanted 2 hot dogs and fries.

 

As they sat at the counter the old lady took 2 beef pattys from the freezer and slapped one under each armpit.

 

What in Hell are you doing?screamed the first driver.

 

Well Honey I've got to thaw out the meat before it's cooked and this is how we always do it here.

 

As the second driver left the Diner he called back CANCEL The Hot Dogs!!!


3/23/2011 6:47:49 PM

 

Think about this for a minute....

 

If i happened to show up on your door step crying...

Would you care?

 

If i called and asked you to come pick me up

because something had happened...

Would you come?

 

If i  had only one day to live my life...

Would you be part of that final day?

 

If i needed a shoulder to cry on...

Would you give me yours?


3/10/2011 7:57:17 PM

SICK JOKES BELOW - DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE NARROW-MINDED AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS

 

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."


The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.

"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.

"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Measure of Manliness

 

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.

They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.

The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.

The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.

So they get out of the ticket.

After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.

The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dirty Red Riding Hood

 

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


3/2/2011 8:49:54 AM

Older Women Are So Reasonable

      AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP  EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

       NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

       MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING  A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

       AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

 

 


3/2/2011 8:44:14 AM


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


2/20/2011 10:06:54 AM
Something i found and wanted to share.  To see the gargoyle in question, check out my pics.  i hope you enjoy this as much as i did.

GARGOYLE TROUBLES

Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression.  Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson.  What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response.  As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real deal. 

THE LETTER

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607

Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association


THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),

I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,

Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night.  Stay tuned...

And, as promised, further developments!

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607

October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association 


RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),

I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.


12/29/2009 2:48:53 PM
 Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. 
 
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. 
 
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. 
 
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. 
 

12/23/2009 11:29:37 AM
 
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS: from an attorney's point of view.

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

12/11/2009 2:30:04 PM
 
Here is something for all of the SUBS to put a smile on your faces.
 
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town
Her pleas could be heard as her panties came down.
"Oh Santa, dear Santa, don't spank me, I pray!
I'll be ever so good, starting right from today!"
But Santa just chuckled, "I've heard that before
From many a bad girl with bottom so sore
 
As she wriggles and squirms `neath his hand's hearty sting.
But a promise like that - why, it means not a thing.
What matters, dear One, as you'll very soon see
 that you should be spanked across Santa's broad knee
Till your sassy bare bottom is burning bright red!
"And with that, the old fellow did just as he'd said
 
,And proceeded to spank her with all of his might
Till her yelps echoed loud in the cold frosty night,
And each swat, ringing out like a loud pistol shot,
Turned her soft, round bottom increasingly hot.
Then, when she'd been hand-spanked with many a smack,
 
The jolly old fellow reached into his sack
He produced a fine paddle of well-seasoned wood.
"Now, this is the thing that makes naughty girls good.
"He remarked with a grin.
 "And I think you'll soon find
How effective it feels on a soft, tender behind!"
 
"Oh please, Santa! No more!" she cried in dismay,
But the paddle cracked down without further delay,
And despite all her protests and wailings and shrieks
It soon deepened the blush on her squirming, rear cheeks.
Poor Dear how she wriggled but all was vain,
For the paddle descended again and again
 
Till her bouncing bare bottom was sizzling and sore
And as red as the costume that Santa Claus wore.
But at last he relented allowing her to rise,
Hugged her warmly while wiping the tears from her eyes,
And murmuring, "There, it's all over, my dear!"
Rubbing soothing cool cream on her blazing, hot rear.
 
Then he exclaimed,"Well Miss, your sweet bottom so curved
Has had the sound spanking it so richly deserved.
From now on, I'm sure, I don't need to explain,
If you're good then I shan't have to spank you again.
But if you are naughty - remember, my dear,
That Santa keeps watch for the whole of the year!"
 
Then smiling, he shouldered his bulging big sack,
And sent her away with a crisp farewell smack.
So she hurried to bed with satisfaction you know,
With a song in her heart and her bottom aglow
And a sense that all manner of things were all right.
But she slept facing down on her tummy that night!


12/10/2009 8:58:26 PM
Twas the night before Christmas in USA

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
was triply redundant, linked to the Blue Cube.
ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
that nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded
an incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some reconnaissance to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!



12/10/2009 8:57:33 PM
A Politically Correct Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.



Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

11/24/2009 10:10:25 PM
               What Are Policeman Made Of

 



 

A POLICEMAN IS A COMPOSITION OF WHAT ALL MEN ARE,

 

A MINGLING OF SAINT AND
SINNER, DUST AND DEITY.
LESS THAN ONE-HALF OF 1 PERCENT OF POLICEMEN MISFIT THE UNIFORM.
HE, OF ALL MEN, IS AT ONCE THE MOST WANTED AND THE MOST UNWANTED.
HE MUST BE SUCH A DIPLOMAT THAT HE CAN SETTLE DIFFERENCES SO THAT EACH WILL THINK HE WON.
BUT IF A POLICEMAN IS PLEASANT, HE'S A FLIRT; IF HE'S NOT, HE'S A GROUCH.
HE MUST BE ABLE TO START BREATHING, STOP BLEEDING, TIE SPLINTS, AND ABOVE ALL,


 

BE SURE THE VICTIM GOES HOME WITHOUT A LIMP - OR EXPECT TO BE SUED.
HE MUST KNOW EVERY GUN, DRAW ON THE RUN, AND HIT WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT.
HE MUST BE ABLE TO WHIP TWO MEN TWICE HIS SIZE AND HALF HIS AGE WITHOUT
DAMAGING HIS UNIFORM AND WITHOUT BEING "BRUTAL."
IF YOU HIT HIM, HE'S A COWARD, IF HE HITS YOU, HE'S A BULLY.
HE MUST KNOW WHERE ALL THE SIN IS AND NOT PARTAKE.
THE POLICEMAN MUST BE A MINISTER, A SOCIAL WORKER, A DIPLOMAT, A TOUGH GUY,
AND A GENTLEMAN.
AND OF COURSE, HE'LL HAVE TO BE A GENIUS - FOR HE'LL HAVE
TO FEED AND CLOTHE A FAMILY ON A POLICEMAN'S SALARY.





WRITTEN BY PAUL HARVEY



11/24/2009 10:03:35 PM
Understand

Understand There Is A Heart



There Is A Heart

There is a person we all think we know,
We see him no matter where we go.
He is there to protect us and keep us from harm,
Sometimes from evil, and other times when there seems to be no alarm.
He sees all that we choose to wear blinders to.
When he pulls you over, he is protecting others, and yes, even you.
Keep in mind when driving by that accident with a sheet,
He is the one with tears in his heart, standing in the street.
He is the one that walks into a family's home,
where he finds a battered child, holds his anger and minds his tone.
He sees the woman that has been beaten until she bled,
Knowing that next week, another tear, this woman will shed.
He is the one that goes to work on the streets full of guns and drugs,
while praying he makes it home to his wife and children.
This man is expected to see these things and stay polite,
To tolerate abuse from both sides of the law day and night.
Some say he is there to harass others with his power.
He is actually there to protect us hour after hour.
Yes, he did know that these things came with the job he chose.
But he is human, and having a badge did not able him his heart to close.
Many ask , "Then why did he choose this job to do?"
He chose it hoping to help; he chose it for me; he chose it for you.



10/21/2009 8:52:09 PM
On a more serious and totally sincere note....
Dedicated to the men and women serving in the military throughout the world. You have my most sincere respect and admiration.



                        Mr Soldier

Hey Mr. Soldier, I have a prayer for you
You’re the one I sent it to, late last night
I saw your picture, in my dreams
You were broke down, but full of life
I don’t know who you are, I don’t even know your name
But just the same, Mr. Soldier, I have a prayer for you
Mr. Soldier, I have a prayer for you
I sent it to God, late last night
He put it in your pocket, and in your heart
And may it get you, to morning’s light
You may not know how much we care
Cause we’re not there to ease your pain
But just the same, Mr. Soldier, I have a prayer for you
I pray for your strength, I pray for your safety
I pray for your momma, I pray for your daddy
I pray for your sisters, I pray for your brothers
I pray for your wife, your husband your sons and your daughters
You may not come home to accolades, you may not come home to parades
But just the same, mr. Soldier, I have a prayer for you
Mr Soldier, I have a prayer for you.
You’re the one I sent it to late last night


10/20/2009 8:50:47 PM

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”


10/20/2009 8:35:56 PM
Q. What do Obama Messiah followers drink?
A. Kool-Aid, of course.

Q. Why doesn't the Church of Obama Messiah light candles?
A. Obama wants to keep his followers in the dark.

 

Q. Why does Obama Messiah wear his hair so short?
A. So it won’t get tangled in his turban.


Q. Why will Obama Messiah remove the windows in the White House?
A. He'll replace them all with stained glass.

 

Q. Why didn’t Obama Messiah notice all of the terrible things Pastor Wright was saying?
A. He was too busy polishing his Halo.

 

Q. Why did Obama Messiah say that Americans are “bitter” and they “cling” to religion?
A.  The Devil made him do it.



Q. Why haven't Obama's followers demanded that his face be added to Mount Rushmore yet?
A. They're still trying to figure out how to carve a stone halo. 

 

Q. What does the Obama Messiah say when someone sneezes?
A. I bless you.


10/20/2009 8:31:14 PM
All Hail the Messiah

All hail the messiah

Obama! Obama!
The path to the new socialist motherland!
Our savior, our savior Obama! Obama!
The leader more smarter than Lindsay Lohan!
Bow down and praise the One!
Give him your money and your guns!
Give us a country that makes your wife proud!
Lord Barry will heal the bitter ones!
Whites and Clinging to faith and guns!
Hope for the change of the hope of the change!

9/13/2009 1:58:09 AM
For all you Obama lovers....  I LOVE IT when you write to me and complain about my jokes and comments. LOL  I get a kick out of how irate some of you become.

Now when any of you can match or exceed my 164 IQ (you'll have to prove it) then maybe I'll listen. The rest of you... GET A LIFE!

I didn't write to you and complain because of your snide comments and complaints about Bush. I don't have to like Obama, just like you didn't like Bush.

Still have a problem with that?  TOUGH!!


8/1/2009 7:54:29 AM
Since it might be a while before my next journal entry, i thought i'd leave you with these....
22 Ways to be a Good Democrat

  1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
  2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
  4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
  6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
  7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
  8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but urban activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
  10. You have to believe that having self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
  12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
  13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
  14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
  15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
  16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
  17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
  18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
  19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
  20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
  21. You have to believe that John Kerry's Purple Hearts are legitimate, and that a Massachusetts Senator more liberal than Teddy Kennedy can be elected President of the United States.
  22. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.


8/1/2009 7:48:04 AM
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.


Congressional Democrats are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.



7/11/2009 10:58:55 AM
Please stop sending friend request ads if...

1. We don't personally know each other in real life.
2. We haven't already been in contact with each other through e-mails, chats, or phone conversations.
3. You are female.
4. You are part of a couple.
5. You're looking for poly.
6. Under the age of 35.
7. If you have added more than 5 people to your friends list that you don't really know.

If you don't meet at least the requirement from #1 or 2 and you STILL insist on sending a request, you WILL be blocked and probably get a nasty e-mail from me.  I'm tired of people not using common sense. 

7/11/2009 10:21:10 AM
Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.

Barack Obama: He has what it takes to take what you've got!

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? ... America!

Q: What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common?
A: They both stand onstage and attract young people with mindless yammer.

Obama's campaign slogan "Yes we can" has become "Yes you will."

Q: What's brown and in your pocket?
A: Obama's hand.

At a recent Obama speech there was a guy in the back of the hall screaming anti-American slogans and making hateful racist remarks. They turned the house lights up and it was Reverend Wright.

For a moment Obama thought he was back in church and yelled, "Can I get an amen"?


7/9/2009 8:29:23 AM

Just for the hell of it, I took a luxury car out for a test ride. It was great; being a warm day, I took note of the fact that I stayed cool and comfortable, even my back, legs, etc.

The salesman explained that the seats were air cooled in the warm weather, and heated in the cold weather.

Hearing this, I told the salesman that it must be a Conservative car--he was curious why I said that. I explained that if it were a Liberal car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.


7/5/2009 10:58:06 AM
Letter from the boss... Dear Employees, As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did.. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

7/5/2009 10:57:07 AM
Insurance A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly.... "Same illness, better insurance."

7/5/2009 10:55:10 AM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is like winning the lottery," said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of two million euros. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you? " Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million euros." "TWO MILLION EUROS!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"

7/5/2009 8:09:07 AM
The definition of "Bravery" is :

  A man coming home late, smelling of perfume and Hennessy, lipstick on his collar, slapping his wife on the ass and saying,

"You're next."

6/19/2009 2:45:13 PM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to  Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.  

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...


YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

6/19/2009 2:36:14 PM
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

6/19/2009 2:32:29 PM
I Can Relate, Can You?

 

I can relate, can you?

Harold the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...


6/10/2009 8:21:23 AM
Brave man jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about: to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

5/27/2009 9:23:53 AM
7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Mess With A Child Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”. Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.” Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ” Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.” Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

5/27/2009 9:08:13 AM
THIS IS A VERY TRUE AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT! Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

5/26/2009 7:19:52 PM
Things heard on a plane

1. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”


2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was Quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no,Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or Were we shot down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, ” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

5/26/2009 1:22:58 PM

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three.” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.


5/26/2009 1:21:28 PM

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Michael’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Michael volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Joanne said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, Michael received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Joanne, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”


5/22/2009 1:25:31 PM
PROUD TO BE WHITE?

Very interesting reading! !! !!!

Perhaps we should get rid of the term 'racist' all together and just live our lives...

Michael Richards better known as Kramer from tv's Seinfeld.

This was his defence speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act.

He makes some very interesting points.
Proud To Be White

Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman' ... and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ...
You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month , we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance'
OUR lives we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any colour can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships you know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US. Yet if there were 'White colleges' THAT would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce
our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.
But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists?

5/6/2009 4:52:29 PM
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'
 



5/6/2009 3:29:26 PM
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex! 

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have
a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer
if you play with someone else.


#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with
your partner when you're finished.


And his NUMBER ONE reason
why golf is better than sex.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

5/6/2009 3:18:52 PM
1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
        Ask your mother.
 
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
       Give him a tampon and ask which period it came from.
 
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
        A whore sleeps with everybody at the party and the bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
 
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
       Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
 
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
       A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
 
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
       The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
7. What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
       There's no one to talk to during an orgasm.
 
8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
       A mechanic.
 
9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
       The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
 
10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
       The one that can eat the last donut.
 
11. The 3 words men hate to hear during sex?
       Are you in?
 
12. The 3 words women hate to hear most during sex?
       Honey, I'm home!
 
13. Why do men take showers instead of aths?
       Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
 
14. Do you know why they call it the wonder bra?
       When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

5/6/2009 11:24:10 AM
A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

5/1/2009 10:28:04 AM
An old man, Mr.. Osbourn, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Osbourn, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Osbourn, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Osbourn was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Osbourn," she said, "You shouldn' t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Osbourn, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.ï "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

4/24/2009 4:05:31 PM
For the golfers........

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you
doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'


'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

4/24/2009 3:53:51 PM
Confucius say,  "Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone."

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
    Goes-in-tight!

Condom Slogans: Cover your stump before you hump!

Condom Slogans: Don't be silly, protect your willy!

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
    By sitting down before the last guy gets up

What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde?
    It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open.

Did you hear about the ninety-year-old man accused of rape? The case  was dismissed because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

I think condoms should come with a warning label: "May contain nut  products."

4/22/2009 1:08:08 PM
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma! Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. V V V V V "I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"

4/21/2009 5:41:04 PM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts... She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his com puter, and some expensive clothes. A s she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third inve sts the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.


4/20/2009 1:25:36 PM
On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees

On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
12 Orgasms Screaming,
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
1 Small Feather Pillow for my knees

4/20/2009 1:05:19 PM
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the m
essage that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.This is
the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about
because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school
and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing
grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent
15 to 30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work
to pass.

The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please
listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
To complain about bus transportation- Press 9
To complain about school lunches -Press 0
If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework andthat
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

4/20/2009 12:59:41 PM

In the kingdom of Karnak a beautiful princess reaches the age of marriage, her father, king to a vast kindom, summons 3 of the riches and most powerful prince's to his castle.

Apon arriving the king tells the three princes that they must compete againt each other for the right to wed his daughter plus be the new ruler of Karnak.

there task he tells them is to collect as many ping pong balls as they can find in the kingdom.

After a month has past the first prince arrives with 100.000 ping pong balls, very impressive intones the king but we must wait for the rest of the princes. Two months past and the second prince arrives with 200,000 ping pong balls! wow! says the king that going to be hard to beet but we must wait the last prince.

Months past that lead to a year and still no sign of the last prince. After a final month of waiting the king finaly tells the second prince that as the third one has not arrived he forfeits and so young man you are the winner of my daughter and my kingdom.

At the wedding day as the princess is walking up the aisle towards the waiting prince the doors burst open and the third prince stumbles in! All he's clothes are ripped to shreds, scars coverd the man from head to toe and blood flowed freely from a number of wounds! He carried two large slimy round objects in he's arms.

The king steps forwards and bellows "Where in the name of god have you been man and where are your ping pong balls?!!!'

The prince drops the slimy objects on the floor, points at them and screams 'Ping pong balls, you BASTARD, I thought you said King Kong's Balls!!!! :w00t:

4/20/2009 12:20:36 PM
Lipstick In School
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

4/20/2009 11:52:39 AM
What gender is a computer?


An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The men won.

4/20/2009 11:42:01 AM
Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

4/12/2009 2:41:43 PM
Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

3/31/2009 5:48:59 PM
"Submission depends on the individual's ability to align her will with that of the dominant and use her intelligence to fulfill his wishes gracefully and efficiently."

I snitched this from someone on another site.

3/27/2009 8:50:32 PM
My #1 irritation on CollarMe.... People who send friend requests, that don't know me, don't try to get to know me first, and/or have a zillion other people on their friends list that they don't bother to get to know. The purpose of the friends list is supposed to be people you know or are trying to get to know. So this is how it's going to work for me from now on...... If you send a friend request, and I don't already know you or you haven't made attempts to get to know me through e-mails first, then I will reject your request along with blocking you. I don't need a bunch of people on my friends list to validate who I am. I only want to add people that I know in real life, or we've become friends on CollarMe and I want to know more about them outside of CollarMe.

3/7/2009 2:26:33 PM
 This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees Citibank. and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.
'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply..' (so if you have a $0 balance how can they charge late fees & charges?)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.
' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.
' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.
'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.
'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!) You wondered why Citi is going broke, and need the feds to bail them out!!

2/24/2009 5:27:23 PM
This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do


2/17/2009 11:42:45 AM
Intelligence Test


1. Do they have a Fourth of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average American man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; others have 30 days; how many have 28 days?

4. In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What do you get?

7. If there are three apples and you take away 2; how many apples do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one pill every 30 minutes. How many minutes will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but nine die; how many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?

11. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

12.How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. How far can a dog runinto the woods?

14. Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

15. How can a woman never become a widow, get an annulment or a divorce legally marry seven different men?

How did you do?



2/9/2009 1:32:25 PM
Any Postal workers out there? This is for you. A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He says 'Yes - just caffeine' 'Have you ever been in the service?" 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, 'Yes 100%....an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.' The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.' The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM? 'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

2/9/2009 1:21:36 PM
Just more silly stuff for your enjoyment. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT - we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. Why is Popeye's johnson so soft and smooth? A. He keeps it in Olive Oyl. Q. What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? A. Tiger Woods had a better driver! Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the seeing dog. Q. What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer? A. A dildo

1/31/2009 12:24:28 AM
There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon .. I was
in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car .. and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

      'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

........... and that's when the fight started . . . . .

1/31/2009 12:00:03 AM

AT LAST... PROOF THAT TEXANS ARE AHEAD OF THE TIMES! 

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

 One week later, ' The Express News,' a local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near College Station, Texas A&M University, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago...

...... Texas had already gone wireless!


1/30/2009 11:18:39 PM
Hey everyone!  I'm up late and can't sleep so i thought i'd add to my journal. Gonna keep it light and humorous. Hope you all enjoy my latest addition.


Blonde Cookbook Diary Entry

 
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper.

The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Bob asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If I can talk Bob into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.



1/7/2009 10:34:49 PM

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?



1/7/2009 10:11:29 PM

Me no here.

Me go bye.

Leave me message.

Me reply.

Leave good message.

Me reply fast.

But if me no like you,

kiss my ass.


12/23/2008 4:33:05 PM
Merry Christmas!

12/8/2008 7:23:54 PM
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, now that's his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
Well now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Woah, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Woah, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped in his brain

11/20/2008 6:16:01 PM
Twas the night......

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town, Tempers
were flaring Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe With a cat in my lap.
Had cut off the TV Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden There arose such
a noise.
I peered out of my window Saw Obama and
his boys ..........

They had come for my wallet..
They wanted my pay.. To give to the
others Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money And quick as
a wink Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the sink ........

He then rallied his henchmen Who were
pulling his cart.
I could tell they were out To tear my country
apart!

'On Fannie, on Freddie, On Biden and
Ayers! On Acorn, On Pelosi' He screamed
at the pairs!

They took off for his cause, And as he flew
out of sight I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!



10/21/2008 9:30:56 PM
Read Carefully
This Is Not “Another Silly Warning”


If you receive an email entitled ‘Bedtimes’ delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty.


It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your PIN number, messes up the tracking on your DVD player, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial memory to call only 0900 numbers.


This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It Will Cause Your Toilet to Flush While You Are Showering.

It will drink ALL your beer.


FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair (hair remover)

If the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows 95/98/XP/Vista environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

Warn As Many People As You Can.



There's A Lot Of Sadness In The World!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!


And look at you - You're on the damn computer!!!!

10/3/2008 6:06:15 PM
THIS IS THE ONLY PROFILE I HAVE ON CM. Any other profile found on CM with my pics, is a fake.

I have a fan!!! Of course that fan is a thief and a fake. But I have a fan.

The person that posted the profile ellagirl is a FAKE. I do NOT live in California and haven't seen the age of 19 in a long time. My pics are all copywritten, and I do prosecute the fakes for posting them on sites.

So to all of you who know me, say hello to my fan if you like. Let them know that you aren't fooled by them. I think the fake is really a man, possibly one I have had dealings with in the past for stealing my pics. That or just a really sad, sorry loser, or just someone really ugly and ashamed of their own looks to post their own pics.

 
BEWARE OF ANY CONTACT FROM OTHER PERSONS POSTING MY PICS.

8/21/2008 11:32:16 AM
a strong woman knows she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength believes it is the journey  that makes her strong.

 
admission to submissiveness is NOT an admission of inability.


any bully can be a dom but a real Dom is NOT a bully.

3/20/2008 11:54:52 PM

Sub Song

by f-cynyr ©

This My Master, is
my song to You.
I give to You
this hymn of love
and devotion.

I give to You
my most
precious possession.
I give to You
my gift of
obedience, of body,
mind and spirit.

I long for Your hand,
I long for Your whip.
Most of all,
I long for You.

Cuffed and at Your feet,
helpless and vulnerable,
I tremble for Your caress.
I long to swallow whatever
You give.

Bound and chained,
my body is Yours.
I stay open for You
waiting for You to fill me.

Stretched and tethered
and roped,
Your hand brings me pain,
Your hand brings me pleasure.

I render my spirit
to You,
I long for Your firmness,
and Your throbbing discipline.

Collared and leashed,
I crawl to You,
to sit at Your feet,
to be Your pet.

You bind my body
with chains and rope,
but You unfetter my
spirit, You set
me free.
My desire I give to You.
My servitude,
You hold in your hands.

I am on my knees
for You,
there is no ordeal
of flesh or spirit,
that I will not bear
for You.

All this I willingly
give, for
You are my master,
my One.
My DOM.

http://f-cynyr.blogspot.com

3/13/2008 3:50:22 PM

Pain And Pleasure

By Danyealle

The Blindfold
     The shackles

Breath quickens
     Excitement

Skin electric
     Pulse rapid

Delicious anticipation
     Waiting

Ears alert
     Mouth dry

First touch
     Sparks and skin tingles

The first caress
     Light and soft

Long
     Lingering

He knows where
     How

On fire
     Pulsing

Soft whimpers
     Squirming all over

Abrupt change
     Stinging across breasts

Heart rate quickens
     Chest heaves

Again and again
     Beautiful pain

Petaling open
     Dripping

Whimpering louder
     More please

Rough hands
     Pinching

Moans
     Shaking

Soft leather
     Dragging

Squirming around
     Gasping

Waiting
     Anticipation

Inner Thighs
     Sharp biting stings

Jumps
     Cries out

Wetter
     Throbbing

Other thigh
     Same thing

Soft touch
     Caress

Arches up
     Gasps

Soft rubs
     Pulsating

Button throbbing
     So wet

Quick sting
     Lips red

Soft scream
     Tighten up

Another
     Throbbing

Thrashing
     Moaning

Again
     Arch up

Deep throb
     Begging

Please
     I need it

Clothes rustle
     Hits the floor

Bed shifts
     Flesh against flesh

Quick stab
     Deep inside

Friction
     Heat

Throb
     Moan

Harder
     Faster

Fingers
     Manipulating

Kiss
     Tongues dance

Want
     Need

Deep throb
     Persistent

Arches up
     Scream

Wave after wave
     Crashing

Wet stickiness
     Dripping

Hold
     Panting

Sweat
     Slick

Passion
     Love


3/13/2008 3:48:32 PM
Feel The Sting
by Danyealle
















Waiting Wanting Tense Shaking Crack Contact Biting Sting Shiver Moan Sweating Wanting Another Jump Whimper Moan Wetness Need Another Quiver Throbbing Needing Again Scream Release Throb

3/10/2008 12:31:44 AM
Every little girl is looking for this kind of Daddy

My Daddy says.... That all Doms of any type should put the safety of Their Sub/ little girl first and foremost and if They don't a REAL Dom should smack Them upside the head.
 
My Daddy says....That  safe words are a MUST, and He really means that too. He told me if i didn't use my safe word at anytime i felt uncomfy He would paddle my hiney, and i'm pretty sure He didn't mean a good kinda spanking either. so this is one area i will not be testing Him on, besides i totally agree with Daddy on this subject :)  
 
My Daddy says.... He will keep me safe and take care of me and never let anyone hurt me or be mean to me.
  
My Daddy says.... all little girls/subs are precious gifts from God, and should be treated as such... gosh just gotta love dat Daddy :)
  
My Daddy says.... That there is nothing sweetier than a smile from His little girl and money couldn't buy the happiness it gives Him.
  
My Daddy says.... that i am priceless and i am special, that Daddy sure knows how to humble a brat.
  
goodies for daddy's little girl $10 
date with daddy's little girl $ 50
cellphone so daddy can keep in touch with little girl $ 40
computer so daddy can chat with his little girl $ 1800
smile on daddy's little girl's face priceless

10/23/2007 12:47:35 PM
Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me cryin'?
And would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms tonight

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away


Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care, you're here tonight

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Oh, I just want to hold you
I just want to hold you, oh yeah
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don't care, you're here tonight

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
And I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
You can take my breath away

I can be your hero


12/22/2006 9:42:57 PM

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  Why are here so many IGNORANT people on this site that refuse to read the whole damn profile including journal entries? 

I SAID NO COUPLES. 
NO COUPLES
NO COUPLES
NO COUPLES


12/19/2006 12:37:50 AM
 
From the e-mails I've received in the past few days since coming back to CM, I believe I need to clarify again, who and what it is, I seek.

1. He will be at least 32. Preferably closer to 40 or over. I'm a little girl submissive and seek a daddy Dom. Along with that goes the need for a Dom that could actually pass for my daddy in looks. To me age, does make a difference. I'm just not attracted to men close to my own age.

2. I'm not into tattoos. I know, I know, I could be missing out on a very nice Dom. But tattoos are really a turn off for me. I can handle a small one that isn't visible when dressed, but if it's bigger than a couple inches, it will really be a problem for me.

3. I'm looking for a Dom that is physically fit, and very much into staying fit. I enjoy going to the gym and want a Dom that I can workout with. If you are a couch potato or tend to prefer to stay inside watching tv most of the time, we just won't do well together. I like staying busy and love being outside doing things.

4. You must love traveling in and out of the USA.

5. Caucasian only.

6. SINGLE (I'm absolutely not willing to even consider anyone married or attached, this includes those of you who have more than one submissive) Poly relationships hold no allure for me. I am only interested in a MONOGAMOUS relationship.

7. You must be a GENTLEMAN, willing to respect me for the person I am. I am not a whore, nor am I willing to ever be shared with another male or female, or beast for that matter. I will not meet you and fall into bed with you right away.

8. Intelligent, college educated.

9. At least 5'10" tall.

10. HE MUST BE STRAIGHT. I am not bi/bi curious, and the Dom I'm with will be strictly heterosexual.

11. DOMINANT No switches, no Domme's, no couples, no subs, no slaves.

12. If I send a reply that shows no interest in getting to know you further, then please don't ask me why, or try to change my mind. I was being nice and sent a reply declining your interest. I could have sent a reply stating in detail why you failed to meet the criteria I've set forth in my profile for the Dominant I seek. Just take the "NO" answer and go on to the next female.
 
13. I believe I've dealt with this particular issue in a previous journal entry, but some of you just don't get it. So I'll address it again.....If you send an e-mail to me that states what you want to do to me sexually, without getting to know me first, THEN YOU WILL BE PERMANENTLY BLOCKED. That also includes sending X rated pics. I'm looking for a man that will show me the respect I am due. The way I look at it is...... If you want me to show you respect, then you had better be willing to show me the same respect.
 
14. Have a sense of humor. I refuse to be serious all the time. If you can't handle that, then please move on to the next female. Life is entirely too short to take it seriously all the time.
 
15. I AM NOT A PAIN SLUT. I don't get off on being slapped, whipped, caged, humiliated, diapers, electrical play, needles, blood, fisting, fire play,
knife play, scat, or watersports.
 
 
If after you read this latest journal, you decide to inflict your opinion, that I am not really a submissive, then you WILL BE BLOCKED. You don't know me, well enough to come to any conclusions about me yet. I'm an educated, intelligent, bright young girl that has self respect. I AM NOT NOW, NOR WILL I EVER BE A DOORMAT. I will submit only to the man I feel best meets the criteria I need in him.
 
I'm tired of the men, and females, that refuse to read and pay attention to what I've written in my profile. I've gone to the trouble to convey what is important to me. I read everyone's profile completely, before I respond to e-mails. I search for the kind of criteria I'm seeking in the One. I don't just look at pictures to make my decision. If I reply favorably to you, then I found enough interest and things in common, to contact you back.
 
Just because you are a Dominant and I am a submissive, doesn't automatically make you my perfect mate.
 
One last thing and then I'll step down off my soap box......... I DO NOT HAVE REPLY TO YOUR E-MAILS. If your e-mail is rude in anyway, I will not reply. You can say what you want about me being rude for not replying. But just because you took the time to write, does not mean I am compelled to reply. If you write that you require a reply.... guess what.... you won't get one.
 

8/10/2006 11:19:40 AM
If your profile has no picture, or you fail to send a picture when you e-mail me, then there will be no response to your e-mail.  I understand that some of you are afraid to show your faces on your profile on CM because of the nature of the site, but I have pics on my profile and it's only fair that you at least send one in an e-mail if you want a response.  That means the first e-mail!!! 

I'm sorry if this seems cold and bitchy, but I receive entirely too much mail to even bother with the ones of you who refuse to send a pic.  Yes, I may be missing out on a wonderful person, but I am a visual person just like most men are.  If the physical attraction isn't there, then why should I bother? 

Let's face facts here guys....  The reason you contacted me was because you liked what you saw.  I want the same advantage.  I don't care about getting to know you , and then finally getting to see a pic, only to find out there is no attraction.

8/5/2006 1:38:36 PM
Special note to a person on this site that is claiming that I have been "wretchedly dishonest" with him.  Yes, I chatted, e-mailed, and spoke with him for a few weeks.  Yes, I was considering a possible relationship with this person. 

But what he hasn't told you is that he told me he had been accused of raping a woman some time ago.  Upon further checking with friends on the PD in Florida, I found the charges are still open.  Nothing has been settled as he claims they have been.  SO...... I chose to simply have nothing else to do with the man.

For all of you who know whom I'm talking about, and have heard disparaging things from this man, please take into consideration my reasoning for losing any interest in furthering my "friendship" with him.  Ask yourself...."would you want to continue with it, would you not feel you had every right to stop all contact with this type of person?"


7/5/2006 9:29:43 AM
 Thought i'd share this with everyone on CM. 

The Brat's Creed
 
If I want it, it's mine.  
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else,
no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the
pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If it's broken.....it's yours!!!
If you fix it, i want it back!!


7/5/2006 8:41:42 AM
What Is A Baby Girl?
 
 
i am a submissive female, but i am also what is known as a baby girl sub with a slight bratty twist to my personality, no that doesn't mean i am hateful and lacking respect in anyway.. to Those i feel  deserving, i offer the proper respect  without question.
 i want to be babied, no i'm not shurking my duties in any way shape or form, i'm not  lazy, i am child like in most of my ways and love the tender loving controlling care a Daddy Dom offers. i am still a woman but a rather child like one, i am of legal age to consent or refuse any and all offers, i feel are unhealthy or unsafe or just not my trip... But i have the strong instinctive desire to be cared for the way one would a child, with an open mind and heart that guides, loves, protects and teaches me.
 
One who will show me the world and keep it's harshness at bay should it become to over whelming for me, my safe place in the world so to speak, on Daddy's lap or in His arms or peeking out from behind Him. ( and yes i do this) He is not my Father i have one, a very good one at that, He is my Master, my guide, my teacher my Mentor, my World. He is nothing like my Father, other than both are Men of good qualities and strong convictions, strong willed, but not unyielding, i have no desire to kiss my Father in a deep passionate burn my soul, curl my toes type of kiss.  But give me just a moment and i'll have a lip lock on my Daddy, that steams up the windows,(grins) my Daddy takes care of me, He helps me reach my goals that i set for myself, He loves me as i am, He doesn't want me any different, He accepts me and loves "me" and when i whisper my nasty lil fantasies and dirty lil secrets He loves me all the more for opening up to Him, He doesn't look at me in disgust .He hugs me close and kisses my face.
 
Yes my Daddy has punished me a few times, and boy did i get mad and plot revenge(thats one thing You will always have to worry about with a baby girl/brat/sub,) even if she knows she is wrong and even if she accepts her punishment she will not soon forget it and even though she understands why, she does not appreciate it overly much, even as she makes personal changes to ward off any farther conflict that may bring about another round of punishment..she maybe also very carefully planning Your  tripping over the flogger handle soon or she may have planned a too salty dinner next,  even if she never follows through with these plans You can almost bet she has made several for each time she was punished. and she is the world best pouter, and yes the Daddy Dom will have to learn to harden His heart just a tad if He wishes to continue to do what is in her best interest and not allow her to top from the bottom.
 
she may well have good excuses for something she has done in error, but she most likely has a bag full of these excuses she keeps tucked away because something about her just makes her act up from time to time. The baby girl needs a lot of attention to feel loved and secure, lacking this, is one sure fire way to get a negative reaction from her.  But for the most part , she is a most loving (eat the world alive) type of girl, who needs to and wants to experience it "ALL" but in the safety of her Daddy's control.  she wants to stand on her own but needs His strong firm hand, His tender guidance, His softly spoken words of encouragement. and the safest place of all is with her Daddy.  she loves Him madly, will follow Him to the ends of the earth once she has placed her hard won trust in Him.  she will run from her own shadow at times but will fight the world for her Daddy.  she is a wondrous creature, the baby girl, she is loyal and devoted, loving and playful and blooms into a beautiful flower with the right Daddy Dom.  she is a scared little girl and a strong  i can do it myself woman, and she is His baby girl and He is her Daddy!

7/5/2006 8:29:40 AM
 
  What Is A Daddy Dom?

 Have You ever heard the term Daddy Dom? If so do you know what it is? Its ok if not, most don't. A Daddy Dom is a Male type Dominant Person who has a strong Fathering urge, the counter part of the Mother Hen syndrome I believe, However in D/s When the Daddy Dom takes a submissive, He treats her rather like a little girl.  He guides, teaches AND.. offers her what she needs most of all, unconditional love and acceptance. In my view a Daddy Dom is the most tender of Dominants. He loves His little girl with an unwavering and passionate love that is timeless.
        His little girl is His sunshine, the bright spot in His life. He wants nothing more than to pull her close and protect her from the cruel world. But knowing He cannot, He guides and teaches her helping her to be ready for this world. And then He waits, knowing she will run to Him when she becomes overwhelmed and scared by the harshness of it all.
        The Daddy Dom always has His little girl's best interest in mind, He will help her set and reach goals, He will help her improve herself to be the best she can be, not for Him but for herself..and yes He will even at times punish her. This will no doubt break His heart, but He will always do what's best for her.
        The Daddy Dom gains as much joy and excitement from His little girl's daily accomplishment as she herself does. His pride in her shows in the tender loving way He cares for her, she has put that twinkle in His eye.
        The Daddy Dom listens to all her fears and concerns, knowing no matter how silly or childish they may sound to Him, to her they are real and He will help her confront them. He slays her dragons so to speak and He is her Hero for it.
        The Daddy Dom hears all her dreams and desires and all the dirty little secrets, and smiles because she is bold enough and loves Him enough to open herself up so totally to Him, and He kisses her face and holds her close letting her know she is loved no matter what. she is His little girl, and He loves her unconditionally.
         Even if during scening He brings her great pain to release her pleasures (admit it some like it .. so hush now.) He will cuddle her and show her the tenderness she craves when she needs it, when she feels unsure of herself He will whisper encouraging words to her, when she feels ugly He will reassure her how beautiful she is to Him. When she is scared He will be her safety, her medium against the world if need be. Even though she is all woman, she is His little girl and He is her Daddy.

6/30/2006 12:39:54 AM
  
It's really amazing how ignorant some of you "would be Doms" are on this site.  If you send me an e-mail demanding anything, then you will be told what I think of your demands.  I'm not yours to demand anything of until I give you that right.  The act of submitting is my choice, and can never be demanded.  Without my consent it is not submission.

I was told by one of the trolls tonight that since I am "uncollared", that "I wear the shame of an uncollared submissive."  LOL  That has to be the most asinine response yet.  He said that a Dom is still a Dom even without a submissive. 

My question is this....

What are you a Dom of, if you have no submissive to submit to you? DUH!!!!!!
 
Personally, I prefer to be an "uncollared" sub, then to submit to the likes of this moron.

Moral of this journal entry.....

If you send an e-mail that is demanding, derogatory, rude, or high handed, then you can expect a reply that you WIL NOT like.  I will give as good as I receive.  I don't mind standing up for myself.  I'm a submissive, not a doormat.

6/27/2006 5:36:07 PM
I've decided to just look for friends and nothing more at this time.  Thank you to all of you who showed an interest.

4/15/2006 9:43:18 PM
This is for all of you who say you will send your pic if I send my e-mail address. 
            Hey!  Listen up! 
I am not giving out my e-mail to you just so you can send a pic.  If you really want to get my attention, then read my profile and journals.  The journal entry below this one says to send the pic with your first e-mail.  CM has the ability to send your pics in the e-mail, the same as if it was on Yahoo or AOL, or MSN.  I don't give out my e-mail to anyone unless I am interested.  That means I already have seen a pic of you.

4/13/2006 10:50:18 PM
I'm once again here to complain about some of the so called Doms on this site.  Listen up guys! 

I am not going to call you just because you decide I should.  If we haven't at least e-mailed and chatted for a few days, then forget it.  No phone calls for you, until I decide if there is enough interest on my part. I am not going to call you Master, Sir, The One, or any other name you feel I should call you.
 
If you have any where in your profile or e-mails to me, that you want a sub/slave to use, train for your pleasure, looking for a slut, whore, or any other demeaning name, already have a sub/slave, looking for a bi sub/slave, are into fisting, face slapping, humiliation, you openly claim to be a Sadist,  have a screen name that refers to your "special friend," THEN PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WRITING TO ME.
 
I am seeking a "GENTLEMAN."  


One more thing....  Please send a face picture with your e-mail if you don't have one on your profile.  Please make sure it's a picture that clearly shows your face, so I can see if there is a physical attraction from the start.  From now on... if you don't send a pic as I've requested, I am not going to reply to your e-mails.  There are just too many of you writing to me and I don't really have time to spend getting to know you and then find out the physical attraction isn't there when you finally decide to send a picture.  So let's do the pic thing at the beginning or don't bother writing.

4/5/2006 11:55:49 AM

I am capable. I am worthwhile.
I am beautiful. I am lovable.
I shall accept both my strengths
and my weaknesses for they are me. 

I shall never again believe the "lie"
that if I make a mistake, 
I am a mistake.
My mistakes are the learning tools
that I shall encounter on my life  journey. 

When I learn from my mistakes,
I give them meaning
When I give my mistakes meaning,
I can begin to forgive myself,
I can begin to heal. 

I shall not use my mistakes as excuses
to give up on me.....
My mistakes are not me. 

I shall seek the wisdom to nurture
my heart, mind, body, and soul 
so that I may feel more centered

providing an energy reserve that  allows
me to climb the mountains in my  own life

providing an energy reserve that  allows
me to love and support others
who are climbing a different  mountain

providing an energy reserve that  allows
time for friends, play
and the celebration of life. 

I shall allow myself to feel capable
so that I may seek excellence. 

I shall allow myself to feel sadness
so that joy may return. 

I shall allow myself to feel joy
so that I may be revitalized. 

I shall allow myself to feel afraid
so that I may find courage. 

I shall allow myself to feel alone
so that I may know me. 

I shall allow myself to feel beautiful
so that I may feel free. 

I shall allow myself to feel lovable
so that the loving may seek me. 

I shall allow myself to feel pain
so that I may heal. 

I shall allow myself to feel worthy
so that I may fulfill my purpose. 

When I am centered,
I see the perfection in the world,
myself and others. 

When I find the world to be  imperfect,
I will take responsibility
for painting it that way. 

I will look into the heart of a rose,
or the eyes of a newborn baby
and again know perfection. 

I take responsibility
for creating my own life story
through the choices I have made;
to blame others is to give away
my personal power. 

Who will I allow to write
the next chapter of my life? 

I shall seek the courage to believe
in a God or Higher Power
who will laugh with me in the  sunlight
or cry with me in the darkness. 

I shall make a small difference on  this planet
through the work I do. 
When I leave I will have done my  share. 
 
I shall live, love, laugh,
and learn on my journey.

Written by BJ.Morbitzer

4/5/2006 11:40:32 AM
It takes strength to be firm.
It takes courage to be gentle. 

It takes strength to stand guard.
It takes courage to let down your guard. 
 
It takes strength to conquer. 
It takes courage to surrender. 

It takes strength to be certain. 
It takes courage to have doubt. 

It takes strength to fit in. 
It takes courage to stand out. 

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.
It takes courage to feel your own pain. 

It takes strength to hide your own pains.
It takes courage to show them. 

It takes strength to endure abuse.
It takes courage to stop it. 

It takes strength to stand alone.
It takes courage to lean on another. 

It takes strength to love.
It takes courage to be loved. 

It takes strength to survive.
It takes courage to live. 

3/21/2006 10:03:33 AM
Here I am again.  I find it reprehensible the way some of you feel you can write such vile e-mails to women.  Well guess what guys...  I am a self respecting, intelligent lady and will not stand for it.  If you write nasty e-mails to me they will be reported, you will be blocked, and I will contact the other females on the site and let them know to block you also.  We are humans and deserve to be treated as such.  We are here to find a true Dominant gentleman, not a wanna be loser.

For anyone who thinks I'm being too harsh.....  I don't care.  I've been on this site just a little over a month and find there are entirely too many wanna be's on this site.  If you are a Dominant GENTLEMAN and fit the criteria I'm looking for, then feel free to contact me.   Otherwise, please don't bother.


2/16/2006 7:27:45 AM
 
Good grief!!!!  I haven't even been on the site 24 hours and already  I've been inundated with more wanna be's than I thought possible in such a short time.  Come on guys...  READ my profile before you contact me.  You can save yourselves' time if you'd just read what I wrote.  If my picture is as far as you got before you decided to inflict your e-mails on me then we really have nothing in common what so ever.  I'm looking for a man that knows how to read and is able to comprehend the English language.


I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MARRIED OR ATTACHED MEN OR COUPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!  

This is not up for discussion under any circumstances. 

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WOMEN EITHER!!!!   


I AM NOT A PAIN SLUT, NOR AM I INTERESTED IN BECOMING YOUR SLAVE.


Physically fit means being in excellent physical shape.  Your idea of a few extra pounds and my idea of it are at opposites of the chart apparently.  Let's face facts here guys....  looks do count, as I stated in my profile, I am looking for someone neat and clean looking.
 
If you really want to catch my attention, send a short e-mail at first with an attached recent picture of yourself.  I will return the same to you if there is a common interest.  Please don't go into great length about how you feel we are suited to each other.  I may not see or feel the attraction.

 
 ONE LAST  THING.......I am a lady first and foremost.  I'm not impressed with vulgar letters or "X" rated pictures of your bodies.  Please keep the pics "G" rated.  If I want to see more then I will decide when the time is right for me.  If I don't respond to your e-mail, that does not make me a whore, slut, or bitch, it just means the attraction was not there for me.  Please refrain from abusive followup e-mails as they only get you blocked and reported.



There!  I've said my piece and hopefully there is  at least one true Dominant GENTLEMAN on this site.  I'm waiting for him to find me.

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