"So into you" or why ob- ject -ification is not as flattering as some guys think it is
The subject today will be centered around ob- ject -ification, and how lack of the right actions is getting in the way of what you want.
Recently my day was spent prepping for Mom spending the night, which mostly meant me continuing to organize, clean and just generally improving the space in my sewing room, (the only real spare room) which has a futon, and most importantly, DOORS, so she can have privacy and quiet from my cats.
Now, being ADD, I work better with music and company, so I put music on that she and I can both enjoy- a Pandora station based on the Doobie Brothers I started just for her.
And being who I am, I tend to listen to lyrics, and then often find myself analyzing them.
Usually, I'm specifically analyzing the relationship failings described in them.
It doesn't always stop me enjoying the music, but sometimes I recognize the stalkery mindsets that filled our airwaves when I was young and impressionable. As were the guys who were listening. It's not surprising that we all grew up thinking these kinds of unhealthy behaviors and expectations were normal, and even romantic.
Songs like Boston's "Let me take you home tonight," where a guy is explaining to a woman he's never actually met before that he's basically been stalking her and built a strong fantasy and expectations about who she is, and now he feels that she should absolutely feel both flattered, and obligated to have sex with him.
"You must understand this, I've watched you for so long, that I feel I've known you, I know it can't be wrong," and goes on to say
"I'm dreamin of your sweet love tonight, let me take you home tonight."
So… he's been watching her for a long time without talking to her, decided who she was without ever having a single conversation, and, of course, imagining sex with her. A lot. And he tells her so, over and over and over. Let me do this thing I want. Let me do this thing I want. Let me do this thing because I want it.
Because that's always what is really going on there. Always the focus and end focus.
Nah... that's not creepy AT ALL. Geesh.
Today, it was "So Into You" by Atlanta Rhythm Section.
Different band, different song, same thought process - I saw you, I was attracted, I've decided who you must be, and I can't think about anything except sex with you - only this time, they seem to want to make it her fault.
Now, at first, what struck me was "could not catch your eyes" and "stand here helplessly hoping you get into me."
Which just makes me ask 'What did he actually try?' I end up envisioning Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon 2, dancing around like a lunatic and freaking out the of his affections. Let's hope it wasn't like that.
But honestly, it sounds like he really didn't try much. He admits that he's 'standing helplessly' rather than walking across the room and saying hello.
Which sounds a lot like complaints I've heard from guys before. "I don't know how to talk to women" and that's where it ends, rather than trying to solve that. I mean, there are classes, there are workshops, there is therapy, etc.
There are options. Why would someone not even try to fix the thing that keeps them from finding companionship if they are stating that they want it?
Passive is not a good look.
Or as has been said "faint heart ne'er won fair lady."
Unfortunately, the closer we look at the lyrics, the creepier it gets.
All this woman did was walk into a room. Suddenly, he's obsessed. He "can't think of nothing else." He says "Love the things you do" when so far, all she's done so far was exist in the same room. She's "driving him crazy," "thinking about how it's going to be" and he's "Gonna love her all over, over and over."
So he's not really thinking about getting to KNOW her. He's focused on this fantasy he has of who she is, and what he wants to do to her.
She's a beautiful woman.
But somehow, she's not really a person.
I mean, he's impressed by her, and he wants something from her. But not enough to make the effort to interact with her as human being.
So he's "helpless" and "driven crazy" and "captured" but is just standing around "hoping."
Worst part is that I really do like the song. Musically, and I like his voice, and the moody, kinda slow jazz feel to it.
Shame about the message.
I do get it - sometimes you see someone who just looks so cool it's hard to figure out how to approach so that they will be as impressed by you as you are by them. I was told that I'm intimidating... decades before I knew that Dominant was a thing. And the problem isn't that he thinks she's beautiful with "voodoo in the vibe."
It's that he's turning that into something SHE's doing - "driving him crazy," and turning his insecurity into "helpless."
And the entire thing is portrayed as flattering, and romantic, and a compliment to her.
Because isn't that what women are supposed to want? For men to desire them? For her beauty to give her power somehow? For her appearance to add to her value to men?
Because "The Male Gaze" is always supposed to be a woman's focus. And what a man feels when gazing is her responsibility. And anything a man might do because of that feeling when gazing at her is her fault.
And that is the message. In song after song.
"I saw you, I had a feeling, I have a want, I am thinking about you, I am having lots of thoughts about you, I'm having a fantacy about you, I'm deciding that the fantacy is a true representation of who you are, so now I'm building hopes, and I'm building expectations, and now I'm going to approach you , and you should share all my fantacies and fullfil the hopes and expecations rather than view me as some total stranger who's making weird sexual demands."
(We won't even START discussing murder ballads. That came up recently too...)
That is the message young guys get when they are first thinking about asking girls on a date. That this is how it happens. That this is normal. So when they do it, they are shocked and confused by the girl's reaction.
Then again, young girls get this too, so plenty of times when a guy is inappropriate, before they've learned to be afraid of guys and their reaction to rejection, they belive they are supposed to be flattered that a guy is paying attention to them. Even if she doesn't like him, having a guy want you is important, a measure of your value as a woman. So rather than seeing a red flag for later, more aggressive poor behavior, they see it through the lens of "romance." They feel pretty and special and don't recognize healthy behavior when they see it elsewhere because this is how it happens, and what is normal.
It's right up there with "he must like you if he punched you" in grade school turning into "he didnt mean it, you know he loves you" later when he beats her bloody later in life.
Hell, I literally had this just yesterday.
"Hello beautiful, I’ve always wanted to meet you , I love that hair , your so beautiful, I’m in (my town) until Jan 30th Love spoil you and finally get to actually meet you , I only been dreaming for years to do some sissy sessions with you "
Never read a single line of my profile in all those "years." So he literally only knows that I have a nice picture.
I point that out. (It's a thing for me...you may have noticed.)
He responds "I know I need proper training but I know you can teach me !"
Because of course, that would be my goal - to spend time and a lot of energy giving someone what they want when they couldn't spend 5 minutes reading my profile.
I point out that he STILL hasn't read it, or addressed my reply, and that it was kind of insulting.
He pushed on, though - "We can go get coffee or meet at a munch or anything your up for , I’m only here to next Sunday , but after we meet and greet , I know you would always enjoy my company"
Because obviously, women enjoy men who they feel have insulted them. Especially when it's the BDSM equivalent of a one night stand.
Yes, I blocked him. He obviously wasn't going to catch a clue, even when smacked with a clue-by-four, so there was no point letting him keep messaging me until he got nasty.
He told me I was beautiful, so it automatically followed in his mind that I would immediately want to be alone, up close and personal, providing him his desired gratification, in a session with him, a total stranger, on the first meeting.
And that his idea of "spoil" would be the same as mine. Or "proper training."
He belived knew me, what I'd want, what I enjoy from my company, etc, without having to read a word I wrote, because he'd looked at my picture and had a feeling and built a fantasy and then expecations.
And that who I was beyond my face (and hair) didn't matter.
Because I was not a person to him.
I was an object he desired... a fetish vending machine into which he felt he had put the appropriate coinage - a compliment on my looks. And he wasn't going to be desueded from that with reality or actual human interaction.
This is the world women live in. This is what "The Male Gaze" actually means. If we are attractive, we have value, but not humanity. If we are not attractive, we have no value, and are dehumanized.
You'd think men who want to be Dominated would behave at least slightly different, show at least surface respect to a Dominant Woman, but on average, they don't.
And yet, right now, in several groups, there are guys going on about how hard it is to find a Mistress, by guys with the same empty profiles and dick pic avatars and tons of 'do me' groups. The same complaints, the same confusion, the same helplessness and yet the same refusal to make the efforts that would make it possible for a Dominant Woman to want to interact with them.
They are standing helplessly... hoping... being driven crazy...
not understanding why we aren't "getting into" them.
