"What do you think of women?’ she asked. ‘I’m not a thinker. Every woman is different. Basically they seem to be a combination of the best and the worst – both magic and terrible. I’m glad that they exist, however.'”- Charles Bukowski 

It has been an interesting week.

A friend expressed that they have been having difficulty with their sleep schedule. I offered to assist.

I drew up an agreement and we went out for tea to do the signing. I presented them with a nightlight that has a timer. At the designated time, all electronics are put away and the timer is set for 30 minutes. They may then read in bed until the light goes out.

The first night they set their timer nine minutes later than agreed on, so I had them refold all their socks using my preferred technique. By the time we are done with our arrangement I expect that their residence will be reorganized to my satisfaction. I had previously suggested they get a food handlers card, which they've done. I have in mind that at some point in the future they may be baking bread for me. We shall see. If they adhere well to their assigned bedtime, they will be rewarded with a scented spray to mist in the room. This will help signal their brain that sleep time is approaching. Then we will start moving sleep time earlier, till they are on an earlier schedule.

Some of the penalties for screwing up bedtime will benefit me, some will improve their environment, and some will just be thoroughly annoying for my amusement. They have signed away their right to ask anything about my reasoning. I admit, when they indicated they might want my help, I cackled. I also warned them that they will have a different view of me after this. Little do they know, they have invited stealth disruption into their life. And they are going to have the cleanest windows ever. I'm sure a future partner will appreciate their improved housekeeping skills. 

Things I didn't think I'd have to say:

No cultists please.

I received a question about the MsC Worldwide Conference I posted about (I will be attending it and recommend it). To clear up a few things:

I don't work for the conference.

I am not personal friends with the organizers or any of the presenters.

All of the information about the conference is on their website. If you have questions about the conference, look at the website.

The conference is virtual. That means ONLINE ONLY.

The days and times of the classes are on the website.

I have just signed up to attend MsC Worldwide 2024. MsC stands for Master/slave Conference. It's a virtual event with many presentations and discussions. I attended for the first time last year, and it was excellent. It takes place from February 16-19, and registered attendees have access to recordings of the sessions for several weeks afterward. That was highly valuable because I could listen to things at my own pace and not get burnout. And, there are over 60 presentations scheduled. I won't have to miss any of them, I can listen to them all If I'm so inclined.

If you do this for real, or are interested in learning what we real people do, it's an amazing resource.

Theres more info on the MsCWorldwide.org website.

I'm so excited. When I attended last year, the quality was over the top.

It is not geared toward porn fantasists or online roleplaying. It's for people who do this in real life. There are great presentations even if you are not currently partnered. Super looking forward to it. And since it's online, I can attend in my pajamas or eat a taco or do whatever the hell I want during the presentation. Last year I attended a couple of the presentations from the bathtub haha. Very cozy during rainy weather!

I love Collarspace

for how it mangles our words

a strange poetry

We've made it to the beginning of another new year!

Wishing a year of joy, peace, good health and prosperity to all.

Hurricane

It didn’t behave
like anything you had
ever imagined. The wind
tore at the trees, the rain
fell for days slant and hard.
The back of the hand
to everything. I watched
the trees bow and their leaves fall
and crawl back into the earth.
As though, that was that.
This was one hurricane
I lived through, the other one
was of a different sort, and
lasted longer. Then
I felt my own leaves giving up and
falling. The back of the hand to
everything. But listen now to what happened
to the actual trees;
toward the end of that summer they
pushed new leaves from their stubbed limbs.
It was the wrong season, yes,
but they couldn’t stop. They
looked like telephone poles and didn’t
care. And after the leaves came
blossoms. For some things
there are no wrong seasons.
Which is what I dream of for me.

- Mary Oliver

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

- Raymond Carver

Up at a redonkulous hour working on an art project because the middle of the night always seems like the best time for it.

I just wish I had some pizza in the house!

And a fireplace.

Taking a minute to pause and miss a former partner. It's funny the things we miss about someone, often things we never mentioned to them. There was just never a good time to say, "I really like your snoring."

Many submissive men struggle with how to stand out when messaging a domme on this site.

It's ridiculously simple.

First, you are correct, you have tons of competition. What you don't realize is that many of the other men are jerks who send rude, demanding messages or whose big opening line is "hi."

Just like you, the non-scammer dommes are seeking someone that they will like spending time with, and someone who will like us for the unique person that we are. My box is full of messages saying "Please take me as your slave! I will do anything you want!" 

Yuck. I don't want someone who will do anything with anyone.

I am looking for a partner, not a dog who will hump any leg in the room.

So when you message a domme, try these simple things:

Dont call us Goddess or Mistress or other titles. You are not in a relationship with us. If someone demands to be called Goddess or Mistress when you don't even know them yet, that's a giant red flag and you should quickly hide your wallet.

Mention something in our profile or journal to demonstrate that you bothered to read it and we are not just the 205th woman you have messaged today out of desperation. We choose our sub carefully. You should also carefully choose your domme.

Tell something about your vanilla interests and hobbies so we have a way to begin a conversation if we are curious about you. We want someone we will enjoy spending time with.

Dont trauma dump. The first couple of messages are not the time to unload about your ex or your testicle surgery. Yes you read that right. We are not your therapist or physician.

Just be friendly, be tasteful, don't be a jerk. That will make you stand out. It's amazingly easy.

A logical question is, what keeps you coming back to CollarSpace?

For me, a lot of it is how the site mangles certain words in messaging. I find it charming. There is a certain pleasure in figuring out the workarounds.

Its also interesting to see who becomes defensive when they realize their message was mangled, and who never doublechecks their sent messages. And even rarer, the messages where they apply one of the mangle workarounds. It's a little insight into their braaaaaiiiinnnnnn......

(Obligatory post-Halloween zombie accent)

Heroes and villains always have the same back story—pain. The difference is what they choose to do about it. Villain says “the world hurt me, I'll hurt it back” Hero says “the world hurt me, I'm not gonna let it hurt anyone else.” Heroes use pain. Villains are used by it.

- Alex Hormozi

One of the hardest things is to not let the world steal your magic.

If your profile Interests are out of date or some have mysteriously disappeared, you can update those without your profile having to be re-approved. Did it recently, can verify it is no hassle.

Written on the Wall of the West Woods Temple

A mountain range in panorama becomes a peak from the side,
Far, near, high and low, with no two alike.
I do not know the true face of Lushan Mountain;
Only because I myself am in the mountain.

- Su Shi

It has come to my attention that I forgot about the Canadian sub who wanted me to address him as Your Grace.

Unusual encounters here:

The guy in another country who cold-messaged me that he wanted to die in a scene with me and leave me his house. I was very offended that he was trying to tell me what to do, and would have made me the prime suspect. So rude.

The guy who drafted up both of our Chinese horoscopes by hand, wrote a long interpretation of them, and used them to explain what I needed to do to keep him happy and content. One of the requirements was that I should try to make sure all my suggestions sounded like his idea. Uhm, I'm the domme and he is supposedly a sub?

The guy who took exception to slight delay in responding to him and sent long histrionic rants saying that "our house is on fire," because I didnt understand that we were fated and I should answer immediately and at greater length.

The guy who responded to "we are not a match, best wishes on your continued search," by calling me names, insisting I am actually a man, creating a new account to continue messaging me with that accusation after I blocked him, and then journal posting about the evil men who pretend to be women.

The guy I met in person to explain how to get connected with the local femdom scene who told me that trying to meet people sounded like too much work and would interfere with his exercise schedule, and he just wanted to log on for an hour in the evening, no further effort expended.  I had the distinct impression he was hoping for a disembodied vagina to drop from the sky onto his dick while on his daily walk.

The person who became enraged when I asked what their thoughts on UFOs were, and resorted to intensive name calling.

The person who was very enthusiastic and interested till they found out I am working class, then sent me a long scolding essay on the importance of, and I quote, "a mysterious force called ambition."

The guy who became upset because I would not agree to punish them the way their mother had. Ewwww.

The person I spoke with who had no friends, no hobbies, no opinions, and nothing to talk about because they believe slaves should be mindless s. They were shocked to hear that I would expect my partner to go out to dinner with me instead of standing them in the corner like a broom while I went out for the evening.

The endless number of people who have wanted to be swept up from their daily life and financially supported.

It has been weird. 

The pandemic has been awful, in so many ways. I don’t need to list them all. It has been a period of enormous losses, but there were some small upsides that I don’t think I would have otherwise experienced.

There were the forced shutdowns, and, since I live in a high density area, being told to stay indoors. It was stressful, but I noticed that the birds in my neighborhood were definitely happier. They sang more frequently. Local squirrel activity increased. I had the sense that nature was rebounding, ready to send green shoots up through pavement cracks with renewed vigor. There was less smog. It no longer felt like the wild earth was miles away, held at bay by all the concrete. I could imagine that given another few weeks, perhaps a coyote would come wandering down the block.

There was a slight shift in people’s awareness of all the near invisible jobs that were now deemed essential.  Ignoring the grocery checker was not as okay. There was some recognition that service workers have value. In ordinary times, that is greatly overlooked. 

In some areas, the general public was standing outside in the evening to applaud healthcare workers.  I could hear it in my neighborhood. I’m not a medical professional, but I do have a supporting role.  When I heard people clapping, I cried. I thought it was due to stress. In retrospect, I realize that I finally felt seen.  I would love to say that people’s respect for essential workers has continued, but that’s asking a lot in our current class system. Still, it was nice when it lasted.

For some of us, it was a time of introspection over our connections with our fellow human beings.  Did we have intimate friendships to sustain us?  Was there a support network?  Could we share our fears with someone? Did we have people we could help out? Were any of our friends running out of toilet paper??

It was the pandemic that got me thinking about past relationships - what I missed about each person, what life a s p e c t s I need to share with someone in order to be happy, and evaluating what I was willing to do and how far I was willing to put myself out there once society opened up again.

That was the impetus for reactivating the CollarSpace account I had set up years ago but never used.  And it has been a wild ride.  However, I can’t say it’s been productive. I have interacted virtually with a larger cross section of people than I would ever converse with in daily life. The conversations have ranged from substantive and thought provoking to deeply unpleasant.  I feel this is a result of the anonymity afforded.  Some people are prone to open up more quickly, and others feel entitled to attack at will.  There are a multitude of journal posts documenting the experiences of women on the site.

Here's a tip: You should never beg, threaten or try to intimidate someone into giving you a chance at a relationship. If someone says they are not interested, move on and find someone who is a willing participant. Exhibit self respect.

I value people who respect the humanity of others.

If your criteria revolves around how much money someone makes or what their degrees are please do not message me.

My profile mentions that I don't respect those who look down on service workers, and my journal postings state that I am working class. If your ability to follow your partners lead is dependent on her being a high powered executive, move on.

The Crocs brand has just released a cowboy boot croc.  It's better than one might expect, by which I mean it's ridiculous but seemingly knowingly so.  If a sub approached me wearing cowboy boot crocs I would think they were insane. But pair them with a kilt...well, now you're talkin'.

I have been bummed out lately.

So I'm setting up a moon meeting with a friend. We will meet on a street corner late at night to look up at the moon. That's it, and it's everything.

I have often seen complaints from older men here about scammers, so I changed my search filter to look for dommes In my age range.  Many, many lovely women who clearly have real life experience and are looking for relationships.  I'm honestly puzzled by the complaints and don't understand what the men have been looking for.  Bizarre!

Tangerines are hanging heavy, glowing marigolden hues

It's been a pretty good week.

I reached out to my local femdom community, asking for submissive walking partners. Last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evening I went on walks with three different submissives. All super young, so not what I am looking for in a romantic partner, but it was a refreshing vacation from the patriarchy.

Someone from this site reached out to me and wanted to meet this weekend. I decided to take a chance and do it, but then the interaction started to get odd and they became directive.

When it started to feel unpleasant I contacted a sub I know who was willing to drop his plans for the day and show up at the meeting place so he could sit nearby if things went badly off the rails.

I wound up canceling the meeting. But, I enjoy discovering that someone was willing to lend me a hand without complaint. He loves to cook, so this afternoon I went to an excellent butcher shop and got him a gift certificate for his consideration.

Then I stopped for lunch at an adjacent cafe and had the best salad of my life. It was amazing! The cafe was very pleasant, so it's a wonderful find and I'll go back again.

Why do I always wind up gifting kitchen supplies to the men I know?  It's as though the universe has hung a sign over my head, "If You Love to Cook, Rescue Her."

I'm looking for someone who doesn't make promises lightly.

I have a longterm friend who is a male sub and lives in NYC.

I was recently talking with someone here who seemed like a possibility, and who lives in NYC.  So of course I called my friend and said, I will want you to meet with someone, and then I started researching some places.

This site being what it is, the prospect here went a little wack and is off the table.

But this gave me a wonderful opportunity to send my friend, who loves to bake, some Madagascar vanilla beans and cinnamon as a thank you for his willingness to meet a stranger on my request. I think he will be delighted. So there you go, CollarSpace ick is being transformed into delicious baked goods. Turning straw into gold.  Now I just want to eat a cookie.

A quiet evening at home.  I'm doing some prep for a munch Tuesday where I've volunteered to lead a discussion.  Debating the topic.  Drop? Rituals? Something else entirely? I have a lot of notes from ages ago when I used to lead discussions online.  

There's a sub who helps me out at the munches by eating most of my dessert.  I can only have a tiny bit.  Yes, I consider this service. No, he does not get to choose the dessert. No, he is not my sub, but someone's got to do it!

One of these days I might lead a discussion on Service - what it can look like.  But not Tuesday night. Probably. 

Service can be consuming dessert. Dessert you didn't choose. In an amount you didn't select. Because a Domme wanted a tiny bit and doesn't want to let the rest go to waste.  And honestly, I do enjoy pushing a plate in front of someone and saying "you're eating this. Now."

It just happens to be delicious.

A favorite Domme tea memory: A sub came around to take dishes back to the kitchen. I had eaten a piece of chocolate cake, but had scraped most of the frosting off onto the plate.  I put the plate on the floor and made him lick it clean before he could take it away. No, he wasn't my sub, just the kitchen help. As he walked away he said,"I loved that." Pretty sure he was not referring to the chocolate.

Went to the park today and got my ass kicked by a meadow trail.  Meadow? How gentle and lovely!  Why yes, I shall walk the trail to the meadow.  I should have been clued in partway when the trail marker said Meadow Hillclimb.  Holy poop.  Of course the person I was walking with had no issues whatsoever, while I was all eeek the ground is slippery and eeek it's very steep and well you know, I'm gonna call it and stand here on this incline grabbing this tree trunk for dear life, trying to appear casual and you go ahead on up to the meadow, I am DONE.  No I don't care that it's only a few more yards, it's too steep and I am holding a fucking tree trunk like it's rescuing me from a fire.

So they went on up to the meadow and I started sneaking back down the trail so they didn't witness me taking teeny tiny scared steps.  By the time they caught up with me I was looking all fine except then at the very end of the trail I couldn't take it anymore and made them walk in front of me while I clutched their shoulders so if I started to slide I could push them down and use their body as a cushy toboggan.

They call this "hiking."

Everytime I see a journal posting stating that women exist to serve men, I just cackle.

Five random things about me:

If I never see a piece of kale again I will be happy.

I like the feel of a physical book in my hand.

Taking a nap in the car during a rainstorm is quite nice.

I have bad luck with pet fish.

I am too impatient to list ten random things.

Manners matter.

It's good to remember that monsters walk amongst us.

I've had a pretty good week.

A shop owner offered their outstanding chai tea recipe, which has taken them 30 years to perfect.  I was thrilled.  

I met for tea with a very nice young sub, as a friendly thing.  They had offered to serve me at a past femdom event and I enjoyed talking with them, so there we are.  Tea and yakking about movies, relationships, life in general.  Whether we will work out to be actual friends remains to be seen, but we had a pleasant time and both of us truly enjoy tea.  We go to some of the same local events and it's nice to give a friendly wave to someone.

I've been binge watching some past seasons of the History Channel series Alone.  It feels super cozy to be comfy and warm while watching people trying to survive alone in the Arctic.  Their creativity is often amazing.  I wish there were a little less whacking snow bunnies in the head, and I really am not excited when they have one of those people who likes to lick blood off of their hands or smear it on their face, but the rest of the program is very interesting and I just don't watch it when I'm eating dinner.

I met a co-worker for tea this morning, we had a very nice time and I was surprised to hear she was going to watch Cocaine Bear this afternoon. But really, is my choice that much better? There are roaming bears in the Arctic, though none of them have been on a cocaine-fueled rampage.  Just berries. Or trout.

I forgot to ask her if she is planning to watch the Winnie the Pooh movie, Blood and Honey.  I have no intention of watching it, I don't like horror or scary movies.  But the title is amazing and the concept is pretty wild.  I can appreciate the creativity even if I can't handle watching the movie.

Words matter.

Truth matters.

Truthful words matter.

A quiet evening.  Was sick earlier today from eating counterfeit Danish butter cookies (bad bakers!!!! boo!!), feeling a bit better now so I'm planning to go out for breakfast tomorrow to complete my recuperation.  Right now, I'm listening to Down with the Sickness by Disturbed.  It's great music when you're trying to figure out whether you need to puke or overturn a police car.  Uhm, I mean theoretically.

Blarrrgh.  Laundry needs doing and I just don't care.

It's super windy and very very rainy and I have lots of blankets. I have fluffy, clean pillows because I washed those yesterday.  I'm scared to try to drink tea or put anything in my body tonight.  I'm trying to get down with the sickness, I really am, but right now I think the building could be on fire and I would just curl up in a ball and say "meh."

In case you didn't know, Royal Dansk are the genuine Danish butter cookies in the blue tin.  Rite Aid is now packaging knockoff cookies in an extremely similar blue tin and they are hellspawn demonic torture weapons designed to bring you to your knees and trap you in the bathroom for hours.  Somewhere, my Danish ancestors are cooking up binding curses on the evil bakers, may they suffer endlessly for the culinary nightmare they have created.  And they skimped on the sugar crystals too.  Fuck them.

I'm a little irritated.  

I will also note that Down with the Sickness starts with the singer bemoaning, "Do you feel that? Oh shit."

I have never felt so seen.  And I have made nearly all the same noises today. If you know the song, you will understand.

Good night tonight.  I had an incredibly good steak dinner and am listening to the Beastie Boys.  I've got a good book.  And last night in my dreams I was hanging out with a really good person.  Perhaps I'll meet them again tonight.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

- Rumi

Last weekend's true story:

I had a lovely Saturday. I had arranged a meeting to vet a local sub.

The good: I was looking for someone to assist me at an upcoming event, and he'll do quite nicely.  The bad: He's thirty years my junior, so not relationship material. In other words, yes, I'm still looking.

I had selected a pretty tea house for the afternoon meeting.  There are colorful flower-shaped hanging lanterns and a lively atmosphere but you can still hear someone across the table.  The baked goods are delicious and the tea is sublime.  

I arrived half an hour early to get settled at my table.  The arrangements were that I could be identified by my jacket, a book placed on my table, and a small color-changing votive candle.  I went in and found an unoccupied table right across from a space heater resembling a small fireplace. It looked like something from an illustrated fairytale and had a deep, intense red glow that seemed appropriate for the tension of the occasion and which I also found comforting.  Sometimes intensity is freeing.

I placed my book and votive on the table, then got in line at the tea counter.  I perused the bakery case and decided on a double chocolate muffin, then flipped through a multi-page tea menu till I found the chai variety I wanted and ordered it latte style. I also assured the barista that the very convincing votive candle on my table was flameless, operated by a small remote control.  Then I settled back at my table with the muffin.  It was served on a pristine white plate with a stainless steel fork, not disposable paper and plastic. I had barely sunk my fork into its fudge-like goodness when my tea was ready.

The tea was sensuous.  It was in a wide ceramic, not paper, cup.  Curling my hands around the warm cup felt amazing, it had been snowing on my way there.  I went to take a sip and paused, blowing softly on the hot liquid to cool my sip.  Breathing in the aroma, I found myself closing my eyes in pleasure.  The soft jazz music of the tea shop swirled around me.

The appointed hour of our meeting came and went, and no sub appeared.  I decided I had everything I needed for happiness at my table: delicious food, amazing tea, a book, and a votive for a little atmosphere.  I decided to stay and enjoy my date with myself.  We were having a wonderful time, me and I.  

After sipping my way to the bottom of the chai latte, I ordered a small pot of peppermint tea.  It was served along with a little handleless cup not much bigger than a sake cup. When filled, the cup was so hot I had to cradle it in a napkin in order to drink from it.  The heat of the tea required breathy slurping, not sipping.  I was several cups into the peppermint tea when a man appeared at the table.  It was nearly 40 minutes after the hour, and the sub had arrived.  He began apologizing, saying he had gotten off the bus at the wrong stop, and I directed him to sit down and look at the tea menu.  He sat and began apologizing again, so I repeated the instruction again.  He began looking at the tea menu and I asked, "is this late arrival normal for you?"  "Not at all."  "Ordinarily I would have left, but I was enjoying the excellent tea.  Let's move on."

We stayed and talked for three hours.  Cellphones remained tucked away. I had a delightful time.  I left the tea house both energized and relaxed.  I liked him very much as a human being, and felt fully comfortable.  As I drove home I realized that being unpartnered, it has been a long time since I've been able to unwind and fully be myself in interaction with a sub.  It was now night time.  

I picked up a light dinner on the way home, and parked on a street where some of the houses still had Christmas lights.  The night felt magical.

It's been awhile since I posted this in my journal, and it's probably time to highlight it again.

I am working class.  If it bothers you that someone is not a professional or executive, please do not message me.  

Dear older submissive man,

I went to a new coffee shop today for some tea and toast.  All the tables were occupied, but I noticed you sitting at a table in the corner, looking a little lonely.  I came over, pointed to the chair diagonal to you, and asked if you minded if I sat there.  You hurriedly put on your hat, informed me that you were ready to leave, and gave me the table.

Next time a single woman of your age asks to share the table, perhaps you should stay long enough to say hello. I might have wound up telling you about a local femdom event where men of your age are very welcome.

I've learned a lesson from this as well.  Next time I won't ask whether you mind if I sit there.  I'll say, "I'd love to share your table, may I?"

I liked that you had a book with you.  I liked your choice of coat.  You were very serious, and it's always fun to make a very serious person smile. It was a specifically nerd-friendly coffee house.  We may have had a thing or two in common.  And if you have been looking for a domme, well, there I was, curious about you.

Talk to people.  You never know.

Just had a conversation with my best friend over the phone. Some of the things, but not all, that we covered included: what would we do if we won a Mega Millions lottery, how would we deal with all of the people that would come out of the woodwork asking for help, what special p r o j e c t s would we want to fund?  He would want to fund a STEM institute for girls. I would want to fund an artist's retreat.  We waxed on about the virtues of our propositions. We also talked about the invasion of Pearl Harbor, cultural misunderstandings, Navajo code talkers and the structure of the Navajo language and the unique sense of humor, we talked about baking technique, the price of specialty flours, the psychology of people who seek a muse, climate change, the rain in california, geo engineering, Rokia Kone, Netflix series, the failure rate of newly opened restaurants in New York City, competition among pizzerias, the importance of getting outside your apartment once a day, and for once we managed to not talk about politics or religion.

It was a fairly quick conversation, it took place in approximately the length of time that it took me to go through McDonald's drive-thru, eat my burger in the parking lot, and leave. We also talked a little bit about the history of Cleveland. This was one of our conversations where both of us started out by saying basically nothing new was going on, although I did have a small update on my attempts at dating.  Basically my latest dating attempt was canceled due to illness of the other party. 

Oh, and we talked about how he is adapting to a new kitchen knife.

I'm posting this as an example of the all over the place type of conversation that I'm used to having with people, and which I prefer. Last week I wanted to talk about how excited I was that they have finally solved the mystery of why Roman concrete is so long lasting.

Today we also started to go a little bit sideways into Regional musical instruments of japan, but since neither one of us knew anything about the topic we couldn't go far. I expect by the next time we talk, both of us will have done some research on those regional instruments and want to go on for quite a while about them. Unless of course, something else catches our interest.

And on the subject of interesting things, I'm currently parked at the side of a busy road doing this narration, and I have just been passed by a local Vespa club. They are doing wheelies. I love when I see them out and around, one of the things that they do is cover their helmets with stuffed animal heads to increase their visibility. They like to roar around as if they are the Hell's Angels. I adore them. They are completely and deliberately ridiculous. It's the best thing ever. I remember the first time I ever saw them, I was in a parking lot at an eating place and suddenly the lot was full of these riders. I was on the phone with someone who asked about all the noise and I said, oh my God there's a huge pack of about 50 bikers and they've come into the lot and are blocking my car so I can't get out. Then I went, wait a minute something's weird, the bikes are really small. It was hysterical. It took me a few minutes to understand what was going on, which I found really quite funny.

Gotta love the guy that cold messaged me he is bowing till commanded to rise.

I hope he can eat and dress in that position, because the command is never coming.

Guys: If you want to engage with a bullshit fake, that's the way to do it.  Real lifestyle dommes do not appreciate being approached like we are already in a relationship.  And subs with experience don't do that.

Please stop with the nonsense.

It seems like a good day for some Paul Reps poems.

Come stand with me
under the summer shower – 
healed of world-madnesses

*****

Since men still make war
Let me lie down and sing
with the grasses

*****

Passing in the hot street
once and forever 
we – knowingly – smile 

*****

Ticking, ticking away
at starlight 
that watch and me

I think sometimes men don't know what their expectations should be for this site.  And then it can be frustrating when they feel they are trying to meet someone and just running into dead ends.  Here are some things I've found to be true, perhaps they will be helpful.  Note I'm speaking in terms of female dominant and male submissive.

Don't expect the domme to reach out to you first.  We get bombarded with messages which we are weeding through.  If you're hoping we will stumble upon your profile, you could be waiting a long time.  If you believe it's not a submissive's place to reach out first, you could be waiting a long time.

If you keep viewing a domme's profile over and over to catch her attention so she might message you, it could very well backfire.  When I see someone doing that, I feel like they've perused my profile lots of times and decided no over and over.  I won't reach out first.

A message that just says Hi Miss, or Permission to approach please, will not get an answer.  It has no substance and shows no effort.  You don't have to write your life story, but please send one or two paragraphs, and mention something in the Domme's profile or journal that you liked, to show that you read it.

I know it can be hard to message people and get no response, and it feels like a lot of rejection.  From our end, it's hard to get tons of messages from people telling us they want things that we expressly say in our profile we are not into, or people demanding we sex chat with them.  Our message boxes are often filled with yuck.  If you just send a "hi there" or "hope your day is good" there is nothing there to indicate you've read what we've written and might like us as a human being.  Which leads me to...

It's been my experience that if I send a polite, "thanks for the interest but I don't think we are a match," about 80 percent of the time I receive a response which calls me names, says I must be a fake, or is threatening.  This is an experience corroborated by women on other sites.  This is why there is often zero response.  And yet there are often journal posts here by men yelling on about how they deserve the courtesy of a reply even if it is to say not interested.

No one owes you anything.  You are a stranger.  In particular, women owe you nothing.  NOTHING.

The flip side of this is that since you are a stranger, our decision not to reply cannot possibly have anything to do with you personally, because we do not actually know you.  So rather than getting upset, take a look at your approach and adjust it to be more successful.

If you are messaging someone who lives far away from you but you are willing to relocate, it would be good to mention why you think this is a realistic possibility.

Dont try to fake experience you don't have.  We can tell.

If you have been messaging back and forth for a bit and it becomes clear to one or both people that you are not a match, don't send abusive messages screaming about how your time has been wasted.  Your time is not any more valuable than anyone else's.  The domme was giving you a chance and her time was wasted too.

If you get blocked after it becomes clear the two of you are not a match, don't take it personally.  I have many times gotten messages from those men again, months later, because they have completely forgotten that we've already talked.  One guy said, "oh I don't remember, what happened?"  What happened is you did a bunch of name calling.  So I'm now pretty quick on the block button when things have run their course.

It's important to understand the environment you're operating in.  Lack of response means you need to change your approach or look more carefully at who you are messaging.  If someone blocks you, take a look at your messaging.  Was it entitled and abusive?  If it was not and you were perfectly respectful, just consider that the woman is trying to cut down on the nastiness in her inbox and move on.  

What is up with these people who message about how utterly serious they are, and when you wait a day or two to reply they've deleted their account?

If not getting an instant reply is that traumatic, perhaps therapy is in order.

If you don't know the difference between a submissive and a bottom, that's a problem.

I get a lot of messages from people who want to bottom but aren't submissives.  That's not a match for me.

I have just spotted my favorite bumper sticker ever.  It reads

Please be patient
I am 9 years old

Let me be clear:

My profile states I don't want to hear from married men.  I have no interest in cuckolding.  I don't do poly.  I'm not looking for online play.  So if you are reading my journal and you think, "gee, we have some things in common," or "wow, I think I like her!" and you are a married man looking and/or looking for cuckolding and/or online play, I don't want to hear from you.

I really dislike subs that can't follow directions.

I hope my neighbors like crows because my crow call came and I have been practing, ha ha

I mean caw caw

It was a rough week.  I am greatly looking forward to this weekend.

I have some Japanese candies.  Apple and muscat are two favorite flavors.  I was recently gifted a small amount of yuzu sake hard candies, and am mourning the fact that they are not obtainable again.  I know someone who is heading to Japan but I'm pretty sure they can get yuzu candy but not yuzu sake candy.  It seems quite exclusive.  Wah.

I have a decent book, and a better one on the way.

I have a Korean crime drama/comedy to watch.  Thanks to the friend who directed me to Vincenzo.

I have a crow call, and will be assembling my special crow food mix.

It's raining, which sounds beautiful.

I may take a drive to the mountains.

All of these things are desperately needed.

I'm also excited because I found a very good chef knife to gift my friend.

And there's a great femdom event that has started recently in my area, so I have the opportunity to relax and unwind in the company of people who don't raise an eyebrow when I'm clear and direct about my preferences.

Things are looking up.

Messaging me with a dick pic will get a delete and block.  You are not my type.

I see that there's now an active link to the forums, which are currently a deserted wasteland of years-old content.  If they really want to provide a useful feature, requiring a breathalyzer prior to journal postings might be the way to go.

Something tragic happened today.  I ordered lunch delivery and they dropped off someone else's order.

What they gave me: A BLT with generous mayo.  The problem: I won't eat mayo and I hate raw tomatoes.  So basically, a no go.  They could not correct the misdelivery and told me to keep the order.  Ick.

That said, the real heartbreak was for the person who received my order in error.

They ordered a BLT sandwich.

They received a container of roasted brussel sprouts.

I'm still giggling.

Beautiful dreams last night.  I would transform into a crow, fly for awhile, shift back to human, then after while take flight again.

Contributing factors:

Last night I bought a crow pendant, was looking at crow calls online, and listened to a podcast where they happened to mention the Morrigan which I then researched.

I'd be happy with a weeks worth of those dreams.

It's been a very odd week.

There was an unexpected death, and early Thursday morning I was working on the obituary.  I logged onto CS because I needed a diversion.  Lo, I received a series of messages from an individual who culminated in telling me that I am not a real domme.  I actually laughed out loud, which honestly was a much needed relief.  Then I spent some time contemplating how fortunate I feel that they outed themself as toxic so quickly.  Sometimes we aren't so lucky, and a sub will lead us on for awhile, wasting our time without serious intentions, because they want the attention.  A quick reveal as a creep is actually a blessing.

It's an intended insult that I frankly find perplexing.  Here I am living my life, and some stranger on the internet proclaiming that I'm not dominant is supposed to mean something?  I suppose if someone was just doing internet roleplay, maybe? But when there are actual lived experiences, it just tells me that person is a fantasist, because that is not how real life subs act (in my experience).  Subs with experience will absolutely feel that certain people are not the type of dominant they fancy, but they are savvy enough to know that you can't unilaterally judge a book by its cover.  Go to a local kink event and the domme in latex and thigh high boots may have just bought it off Amazon last week for her first kink event, while the woman in the corner wearing jeans and sneakers might be known as the best rigger in the city.

So for those that message and say "I don't think you seem very dominant," it's simply silly.

There is one type of this behavior that does actually bother me.  I've gotten messages from other dommes, to which I often respond politely and kindly.  And then, once in a blue moon, they will say, are you sure you're not submissive?  Now I know there's a small possibility they are actually male scammers, but I don't think so, and this is why:  It's not uncommon for women to try to undercut each other.  I chalk it up to the stresses of having to continually navigate a patriarchal society.  There is a type of woman that will try to put other women down just so they can feel on top.  I see it in the workplace and occasionally in the kink community.  And when that happens, I feel really sad.  Pre-Covid, I ran a local munch and would sometimes have to mediate situations where women did that publicly at the munch.  In one case, a domme gave her seat to a female submissive, who responded with "you're not very dominant, are you?" I will note that it was not a femdom munch, and I think the sub was trying to score points with a male dom there.

Undercutting people is unattractive.  Insinuating that politeness or kindness are not dominant is, well, crazy.

If someone doesn't have the social skills to realize that, I am not going to be friendly toward them.  It makes me really sad when I see that kind of passive aggressiveness and I wish women would stop doing it to each other. 

And that's my soapbox sermon for the day.

A high school teacher told us that once we entered adulthood, life would be a series of goodbyes.

Which is true.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that life is also a series of hellos.

Dear future sub,

I hope you know how to get chocolate out of bedsheets, because for some strange reason I have frequently fallen asleep on top of a Hershey's kiss.  Which, you know, then melts.  And then I toss around on top of it.  Just bringing this up because... it has happened again.  And I'm letting you know upfront that I'm not perfect.  And that I feel you should handle this issue.

Better study up!

There's some behavior here that I find puzzling.  I don't understand the people that view my profile over and over.  They seem to fall into three categories.

Viewing my profile over and over but never messaging me.  What this communicates to me is that you look at it over and over but decide not to message.  If you're doing it in an attempt to get my attention, you need to understand that it will never result in my messaging you because I consider that you've voted no on me multiple times.

Viewing my profile over and over after we have already communicated and it didn't work out.  If I gave you a "best wishes on your continued search" or even in some cases blocked you for bad behavior, then continuing to visit my profile over and over just comes off as creepy stalking.  Move on with your life.

Viewing my profile over and over and sending me repeat one line messages like "hey," and not having these lackluster messages result in a response. This tells me that you havent actually absorbed the info in my profile or you're a poor communicator, both of which are disqualifiers. And even more fatal, if you can't follow the basic direction of 'no one liners' when you are (theoretically) trying to make your best impression, then you will not be able to follow more complex directions later down the road.  A sub who can't follow directions is nothing I am interested in, ever.

I had the best night last night.

Earlier this week I went to a local femdom event.  It was at a cafe.  The food was amazing.  So, last night I went back, and wanted to let the owner know that hosting the event had gained them a new customer.

I was amazed to discover that the cafe owner was a familiar face.  We stared at each other for several moments.  She said, "I know you.  I've waited on you a hundred times," and I named the cafe I used to go to for decades, where she had been a waitress.

We were both delighted to see each other.  When I left, she asked me for a hug.  I told her I was thrilled that she is now an owner.  She bought the place right before Covid.  It's been a struggle. She's there in the trenches, waiting tables.  She's a hands on person who will always work the dining area, getting direct feedback on the food.  I will be happy to support her business.  I've written a yelp review and will be a regular.  

The very best part was being asked to give her a hug.  When she waited on me, I was a good customer.  I was polite, and the waitstaff regularly thanked me because I kept my table clean and tidy and treated them with respect.  Every once in awhile if they were having a shitty night they would sit at my table for a few minutes.  That always surprised me because I'm not chatty or bubbly.  I guess they liked the quiet.

I've had men on this site express interest, then realize I am working class and make disparaging remarks about that.  One idiot told me that it made it impossible to respect me, and sent me a lecture about how he could never submit to someone "without ambition," in other words, someone working class. Thank god they are not in my life.  I would not want to date them, be related to them, or work for them.  Yes they are a business owner.  I guess all their employees are beneath them.  So gross.

In contrast, a hug from a waitress meant the world to me.  I'm happy and proud that she felt respected.  I'm honored that she remembered me.  She was excited that I had found her and will be in her cafe.  I'm excited that my support will help a genuinely good person. I'm thrilled beyond words that after decades of waiting tables, she is now waiting tables at her very own cafe.  And I'm proud to discover that I was a happy memory for her.  How we treat people matters.  How we treat people who can do nothing for us matters.  We make ripples in the world, even when we don't know it.

Best. Night. Ever.

If you are going to try to tell me that you would change your politics or religion for me, get.the.fuck.out.

I am zero interested in someone with no internal integrity.

I like to read the new journal posts.

Last night I noticed mine was up, I'd posted a romantic poem.

Right below mine was a journal post saying they had a butt plug up their ass, and should they leave it all night.

It made me laugh.  

I predict they find someone before I do.

I'd say my presence here is an extreme long shot, but then again I've never done much of anything the standard way.

Will you come?
Will you come?
Will you ride
So late
At my side?
O, will you come?

Will you come?
Will you come?
If the night
Has a moon,
Full and bright?
O, will you come?

Would you come?
Would you come
If the noon
Gave light,
Not the moon?
Beautiful, would you come?

Would you have come?
Would you have come
Without scorning,
Had it been
Still morning?
Beloved, would you have come?

If you come
Haste and come.
Owls have cried;
It grows dark
To ride.
Beloved, beautiful, come.

- Edward Thomas

yes, I like poetry, and consider myself fortunate for that.

Eavesdropping

Trees are the way we listen in on the conversation
between cosmic energy and earthly matter.

The sun posed a question.
I didn't quite catch it.

Something about hearing all motion as music.
Something about galaxies stretching their joints after cramped quarters.
Something about vastness as a love language.

Not all questions are made of words.
Some are tides of heat and light.
Some change the listener before they can answer.

The Earth took its time.
Of course it did.
A question as kind as sunlight
deserves an answer as generous as trees.

- Jarod K. Anderson

Mansplaining: the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.

Good questions to ask yourself first:

Did she ask for this explanation?  Am I just trying to show off my knowledge base?

Have I ascertained that she does not already know this information?  Have I made assumptions about her knowledge base?

Have I asked whether she would like me to share what I know about this? Might she prefer to get this information from another source, or not at all?

Have I taken a lecturing or corrective tone?  Am I sharing in a respectful way?

Have I offered information in a collaborative manner that promotes dialogue?  Am I trying to shut down conversation or control decision making by waving presumptive superior knowledge?

Glad to see more people doing journal entries.  I learn some interesting things.

Let the right one in.

Please don't use an honorific when messaging me.  I'm not your domme and you haven't earned the right to speak to me that way.

Please don't message me about your dick.  If I'm not in a relationship with you I don't care about your dick and don't want to hear about it.

Please don't message me about your sexual skills.  You are a stranger.  I don't like strangers walking up to me and talking about having sex with me and I don't like it in my inbox either.  My profile is clear that I'm not interested in swinging or hookups. 

Please have common sense and don't send a message saying, "May I approach?" You already did approach.  Did you read the part of profile where it says I won't respond to one-liners?  That's a one-liner.

If we do start to communicate, we'll be talking about the weather, pets, food, current events, books, movies, daily life.  Not about your dick.

Oh, and to answer a frequently asked question: No, I will not be financially supporting you, housing you, paying your bills, settling your debts, flying you anywhere, or paying for your services.  No.

Here is a thought.

If you say that you've read my profile, request communication, take up my time, freak out when I don't answer you for an entire five hours!, send a barrage of questions which I answer thoughtfully, and then say you're not interested because it seems like I want the exact dynamic I describe in my profile, then.... drumroll... you are not a good person.

Another wild thought:

Violating my boundaries, being rude to me, and then expecting emotional support for your minor medical procedure is not going to happen.

I'm taking my profile down for the weekend because I don't feel ready for the fuckery that will no doubt land in my mailbox next.

Also, chili exploded all over the microwave again and my favorite frozen breakfast sandwich is still out of stock.  I can only take so much.

It's fascinating when supposed subs here make pronouncements on how all dominants should behave.  Makes me wonder why they don't report us to the Grand Central Dominant Control Council so that we can be brought in line with the hive mind.

One of the things I watch for is how someone treats people who can do absolutely nothing for them.

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its

face against mine.  Breathe into
me. Close the language-door and

open the love-window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

~Rumi~

If you like the initial interactions with a domme and she starts to lean on you to provide personal information or photos or to “prove you aren’t wasting her time” by sending a “small” amount of cash, the pressure to do so can feel really intense.

I think it helps to be aware of why that pressure can be so overwhelming.

First, if you are new to subbing and you find a domme who is willing to explain things and teach you a bit, and then they suddenly shift to, “it’s customary to pay a tribute,” maybe you don’t want to look like you were being disrespectful or taking advantage of her kindness in spending time on you.

It’s bullshit.
The only relationship she’s looking for is a relationship with your wallet. As long as you are opening your wallet she will be open to you, and once you stop dispensing cash she will be gone like a fart in the wind.

Perhaps you’re feeling pressured because you know that there are hundreds or thousands of submissives for each domme, the ratio is already against you. It’s amazing you were able to get someone’s attention and you’d better keep them happy because there are tons of guys pushing to take your place. In a scenario like this, you just have to make some sacrifices, even if they feel uncomfortable, so fork over your info to show your trust.

Total crap. Sure there are lots of subs. There are also lots of dommes trying to find a sub but being flooded by a bunch of users with their do-me kink lists in hand. All the swarming subs you think you see aren’t actually submissive at all, and the giant ratio gap is incorrectamundo.

Maybe you are finding it hard to resist because her photos are incredible, and her sexy flirty talk is incredibly hawt. A woman like that is asking for a little consideration, a little money to buy a few pretty things, and she deserves them because she is A-list, and A-listers have some expectations.

Congratulations.
You’ve found a winner.
Please send a little cash to encourage him and reward him for his awesome photo stealing expertise. He can use your money to get pizza delivered to his moms basement, and those moans and little wet sounds you hear in your voice chat are him licking the sauce off his fingers while you spill your sauce into a tissue. Surely that’s worth a few bucks. Wait till you hear what he sounds like with a double pepperoni.

Seriously, every time I think this world can't get more messed up I am unpleasantly surprised.

Wildfires, flooding, Covid, heat domes, whooping cough, Ukraine war, monkey pox, polio...  and NOW there's Doggy Parton???

Dolly Parton has started a line of dog accessories, including clothing for the dogs.  Every single item in the line is an abomination.  Every one.

Dear god, why?  Have we not endured enough?  If I see some poor pupper in this crap I will lose.my.mind.

What you tolerate, you encourage.

Today's discovery: an effective way to deal with insane co-workers is to crank up some disco music and dance.  Bad dancers to the front.  Everything looks fine with disco.

What exciting and mysterious ways does a domme spend her evening?

Last night it was researching Vincent Van Gogh, doing laundry, surfing Reddit, watching trash tv, thinking grumpy thoughts about the state of the world, enjoying mashed potatoes and apple sauce, watching an Iggy Pop interview, and thinking what a beautiful summer night it was.

I need to reorganize the kitchen and go through my closet, but it seems a waste not to put up my feet and enjoy a lazy summer night instead.  Plenty of time for p r o j e c t s when the rain starts.

I have never lost at Wordle.

So, I like words, I like reading, I like communication.

I'm in an abusive relationship with ice cream.

Even though I know I'm going to regret it, I can't resist its mint chip allure.  My hopes of sleeping through the aftermath are always in vain.  No lactase enzymes can save me from the carnage.  And yet I ignore the wrath of my body and go back for more the next night.

I am not a switch but willingly allow ice cream to top me again and again.

Why? And why mint?  Such are the mysteries of the human soul.

Currently at odds with our IT department.  They insist my internet is lagging because my voice sounds slow and there are pauses, and I keep telling them that's just the way I talk.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that." - Brian Andreas

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.”

Pablo Neruda

Note to self: Next time you're up in the middle of the night shopping for Swiss Army knives and having trouble making a decision, pause and ask yourself, is it possible you have a fever?  Because sure enough, this morning I was a sweaty mess.

In an ideal world, my sub would bring me some cold water, turn on the air conditioner, put a little blanket on my lap and ask if I want to snuggle or be left alone.  In the absence of that, I took a bath, washed my hair, ate some rice, curled up under a little cotton blanket and took a nap. Groceries came and I only got two thirds of them put away.  Blaaaaaaaah.  Looking forward to going to bed.

As for that tribute nonsense... the only tribute I want is a cup of tea when I'd like it.

I just got a fortune cookie that says, "your personal property will be enhanced within the month. "  Guess this means I'm gonna wash the car.

What does one do when up after midnight?

Watch Korean tv shows
Comparison shop Swiss army knives
Look for a crescent moon door wreath
Read about crate training dogs, no I don't have a pupper  
Make a grocery list
Eat a hazelnut and Belgian chocolate chip cookie
Learn about how to use a miswak stick
See what dommes are chatting about on fetlife  
Map out a fictional town  
Clean out CollarSpace inbox
Dream

For those who are curious, journal posts are currently getting approved really quickly.  Sometimes within a couple hours, two days at the longest (as far as I've seen).

Yesterday was one of the most traumatic days of my life.

There was a news article claiming that research shows eating ice cream causes cognitive decline.

I have navigated over two years of Covid, wildfire smoke, mumps outbreak, rioting, toilet paper shortages, hand soap rationing, flooding, heat dome, rollbacks of womens rights, monkey pox, and now they're coming for our ice cream????

it's too much.

More crabby journal posting.  
There are communications I receive which cause me to regard the other person and think, "are you out of your freaking mind?"

Amazingly, these land in my inbox with tragic regularity.

One of them is, "I'm an alpha sub.  I'm not like these other guys."  
What they think they have communicated:  I have a strong mind, great coping skills, and am not a weak individual. I am respected by other men.

What they have actually communicated: I'm inexperienced and don't know fuck-all.  I have never spoken to other subs.  If I have seen other subs at functions, I have interpreted their submissiveness with their partner to mean that they are weak willed and could not hand me my ass in a fight.  Because I have internal conflict about my own submissiveness and think it's abnormal.  

Common communication: "I have sent you several messages.  If you aren't interested, I would expect the courtesy of a reply."
What they think they communicated: My time and interest are valuable and ignoring me is rude.  

What they actually communicated: Even though you don't know me from Adam, I am entitled to your time and attention.  By having a profile up on this site, you owe me.  Me me me me me.  Me me me.  I will keep messaging till you acknowledge me, because I do what I want! Acknowledge meeeeee!!

Another communication I receive is, "I saw you were online and didn't answer my previous message, you are mean and toying with me."
What they think they have communicated: I expect respect and attention.  If you are more interested in other people, let me know.

What they have actually communicated: I'm not much of a geek, and don't understand that people multi task and leave multiple screens up, sometimes for hours.  I am stalking your profile and checking when you are online.  I'm creepy, and I think you owe me.  

And finally, there is this gem.  "We've been chatting a long time and you offered to call me and I said yes, but now you expect me to provide a phone number.  I have told you all kinds of things about my kinks and you haven't talked about yours, and I feel NAKED and I've changed my mind because this feels inequitable!!!!"

What they think they have communicated: I refuse to be taken advantage of, you evil conniving woman.  I have caught you in your game!

What they have actually communicated: Despite your telling me that you didn't want my kink wishlist, I splooged it all over your inbox anyhow.  And even though you thought there might be some potential worth exploring anyway, this has all become too real and I'm over my head.  Also, I'm too technically illiterate to download an app with an anonymous phone number so instead I'm going to accuse you of probably being a scammer and on top of everything how dare you, a domme who is seeking a Ds relationship, how dare you propose anything that might in any way feel inequitable, how dare you, you bitch bitch bitch I'm scared and only want fantasy.  Run run as fast as I can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!  Please give me the sense that God gave a pea, I need it badly.  

And that concludes my crabby post.  I hope it has been helpful.  If someone suggests a phone call you can download Signal, which will assign you a confidential phone number which will also allow you to block the caller if they turn out to be bananas, or even delete the app altogether.  Or there is Google Voice.  Or God knows how many other options. The more you know! Seriously, discuss these things calmly rather than freaking out, and if someone says they're not interested in online roleplay but you aren't ready for real life interaction, please move on to other profiles.  

Another crazy hot day.  More popsicles.  Thinking fondly of a past partner who pressured me into buying an air conditioner.  

I've been looking at some of the other recent journal posts and apparently I've got this journal thing all wrong.  I should be screaming about how impossible everyone on the site is.

There are days it certainly seems true.  Not long ago a sub landed in my mailbox, like an alien visitor, and insisted that I have everything wrong, that Ds is not about authority, it's about sex.  There can be no Ds without sex.  Despite the fact that there are gay male doms with straight female submissives, despite the fact that some Ds couples have no romantic or sexual relationships, I was absolutely wrong.  Foolish, even.  When I would not accept his correction, then I must be asexual.  

Another recent inbox exchange ended when I maintained that a site where men pay for lessons in submission was a scam.  Granted, it was an appealing site for wishful and inexperienced subs.  According to the site, you had to surrender your male pigname, engrave dog tags with your new feminine or neutral name, put yourself up for auction to be paired with a domme who would give you a plethora of pre-written lessons over the internet, and there was something about wrapping the dog tags around your balls and yanking the chain for correction. 

There is no such thing as universal training for submission.  Every domme is different.  Every sub is different.  One of the toughest things in a real life relationship with an experienced submissive is for the sub to drop the habits they formed with their last domme, and learn their new domme.  I can't even imagine the nightmare, for both people, that would result when someone thinks their paid lessons are the One True Way.

Which brings me to the point of this post.  It's a post I've considered making for months, and then I decide not to, because it's just common sense.  But after this last exchange, I've decided it may have value after all.

Subs, this is for you.  It's coming from a domme who has had real life relationships and participated in her local kink community.

Any domme telling you that you need to purchase a training kit off the internet is scamming you.  Real dommes don't do that.  The person directing you to the training kit is getting a kickback.  I know there are plenty of you reading this who want to believe the training kit scam is real.  It's not.  

Anyone asking you for tribute to prove your sincerity is interested in your wallet, and how much more they can get out of it.  The sincerity they want to see demonstrated is whether you can sincerely pay or gift on time.  

If you want to do fantasy roleplay on the internet, great, have at it.  But understand that it is fantasy.  If you were to go to a real life gathering of dominant women and announce that you had renounced your male pigname, we'd be going, what is this person talking about. 

There is no international society of dommes that sets rules for everyone.  There is no universal training.  The truth is, if you want a relationship with a real life dominant woman, it usually starts out looking an awful lot like plain vanilla dating.  Most of us are concerned about basic compatibility and want to establish that first.

Lastly, when I did not budge from my view that the training site for subs was a scam, I was criticized for having strong opinions.  No shit, Sherlock.  Dominant women do tend to be opinionated.  Real ones, anyway. 

It's going to be in the 90s today.  A road trip is not an option.  Clearly, the best way to deal with the situation is lower the blinds halfway, turn off the lights, turn on the air conditioner, and have a frozen chocolate dipped banana popsicle for breakfast while listening to Shine On Crazy Diamond.

It also seems like a good day to take the car through the car wash, but maybe not because isn't there something about not drying the wax in full sun?  Hmmmm.  Must investigate.  I guess I could go to the do it yourself car wash and skip the wax.  

Ages ago I used to drive outside the city at night to the do it yourself Big Top Car Wash. Yes there were other car washes nearby, but it was fun to get out on the freeway for a night drive at good speed, and the bright colors and flat out goofiness of the Big Top Car Wash made me laugh.  This was when I had my little rocket car, and I would pick up a friend to zoom around with me, chattering away, then when we got to the car wash I would have them man the dial while I ran around the car beautifying it, calling out foamy brush! Clear rinse!  Wax!  We had fun.

I have a history of taking friends with me on errands.  For a long time, I was the only one with a car, so I'd call them up and ask if they wanted to come to the grocery store or hardware store or wherever.  I still love doing those things with someone.  Some of my happiest dating memories are grocery shopping together.    Something about it just feels cozy.

I know there are subs who will read this journal entry and think, If I were there I'd be scrubbing the car and she'd be turning the dial.  The thing is, I might not want that.  Service isn't service if it's unwanted, it's assumption and might be imposition.  Offer.  There are things I'm happy and grateful to offload, and other things I enjoy doing myself.  This is part of treating me like a human being, not a caricature.  Knowing the ins and outs of what is wanted and what is not builds intimacy.

There are vast numbers of things that I simply do not care about.  I have strong preferences in some areas.  I have preferred brands of pens.  Most people who have done a lot of office work do.  I like a Pilot G2-07. Pentel is a good backup brand.  I want to like Uni-Ball but their ink blotches.  Giving me a box of Bic pens is like passing me a secret I Hate You note.

In other things, I don't care.  Toilet paper roll over or under? Who cares.  Should the toothpaste tube be squeezed from the bottom or the middle? It should be squeezed where my hand landed on it.  If you ask me my preference in something and I say I don't care, it means exactly that.  It's not a trap, it doesn't mean I'm angry, it means I have no preference and don't consider it worth the time to think about.  When I am at a restaurant with someone, I do not care what they are ordering.  If they want wagyu steak, fine.  If they want to eat a bowl of cheese whiz, whatever.  I've sat across from plenty of people chowing down on things I would never touch in a million years.  Don't care.

I do care if someone is trying to convince me that I really don't want what I want.  If I say that I want chai tea and the response is, I think you really want a fruit smoothie, my thought is, get out of my face.  If I say I want to watch the movie Red and the person queues up Die Hard instead, they will be spending the evening alone.  

Some people find this directness intimidating.  I think it makes me easy to live with.  There's no need for a lot of second guessing or decoder rings.

I just tried to put a weighted blanket inside a duvet cover.  It was not the right solution.

Future submissive, rescue me.

Oh wait, YouTube might have saved me.  But this sucker is heavy and too big to tackle tonight.  Future project.

I'm not sure I really like the weighted blanket anyway.

I got a Covid booster.  I switched brands.  The after effects were different.  With the original brand I would be hit with immediate, extreme dizziness and stiff jaw.  The dizziness would last into the next day or two.  This time, with the different brand, no dizziness and no stiff jaw.  However, I did get an arm so sore I couldn't fully lift it for a few days, and I felt tired and slept a lot.  I usually have good time sense, I instinctively know what the approximate time is.  Not only did that go out the window but I got all whacked out on what day of the week it was.  Stress level was a bit elevated, sudden noises were making me jump.  I could not focus enough to read a book.

I'm continuing to take it easy this weekend.  Currently curled up in bed with the lights out, a little sun coming through the window but not much.  I have some recovery supplies on hand.  Watermelon.  Mint chip ice cream.  Minute rice, because what is more delicious than rice with butter and freshly cracked black peppercorns?  Maybe rice with pink pickled ginger, but I don't have that right now.  

Other recovery items I sadly do not have are Chinese cabbage soup and pork fried rice.  I had them the day of and the day following the vaccination, but they are now gone.  Sadness.  My favorite pizza place has closed, they had amazing salads.  More sadness.  Anyway, the plan for the day is to lie around.  Maybe I will put on a Chinese historical drama that saved my brain during the early days of the pandemic, or a favorite Korean show.  No I don't understand either language, but I like the sound.  Sometimes there's Japanese or Urdu playing in the background of my living space too.

This morning I got an interesting message.  Someone was talking about the ratio of male subs to dominant women here, guessing that I must get a deluge of messages.  They said they had just checked, and there were 4 dominant women and 75 male subs online.  I'm going to share my response because I think it might be helpful to those subs who think the odds are against them.

I get messages, but I dont know if its a deluge. I used to get more messages before I put some journal entries up. A large percentage of them were icky. Since I put some journal entries up, I get less messages and a lower ick percentage. Of the messages that are not foul, most do not make it through my initial questions. Of the ones that make it through the screening questions, it is not uncommon to have a few message exchanges and then to be called a variety of names. Of the remaining people who have cleared the screening and not called me names or been demeaning, not many are capable of substantive communication. Those that display an interesting mind eventually are invited to have a phone call, to which the majority agree and then ghost rather than supply a phone number. Of those that progress to a phone call, sometimes there is instant mutual dislike. Sometimes there is denigration and unkindness at that point. So you see, there is not the vast pool of possibilities for real life dommes on this site you may imagine.

Okay, with that out of the way...  It would be lovely to have someone pick up Chinese cabbage soup, or make a cup of tea while I'm feeling run down.  I have moved past the get away from me everything is too much stage and into the phase where it would be nice to curl up with someone for a little while.  If you don't speak cat, you may be perplexed.  I once had someone tell me that I run emotionally hot and cold.  Not really.  Cat people will understand.  You can enjoy just being in the same room with someone without needing them glued to you.  Other times, touch is desired.  Well, I'm not boring.

It has been a quiet weekend.  I took my profile down for a few days to do some thinking and take a mini vacation.

This weekend, I did some reading, treated myself to some favorite snacks, and binge watched the latest episodes of Alone.  For those not familiar, it's a show where survivalists are dropped off in the wilderness alone, where they need to establish a campsite and figure out a food supply.  They are periodically checked on by a medical team.  The person who lasts the longest without tapping out or getting pulled out for medical reasons (frostbite, malnutrition, etc.) wins a cash prize.

I'm not an expert camper and wouldn't last long in such a situation, but I really enjoy the show.  The shelters built sometimes show fantastic ingenuity.  Some of the participants hunker down and limit movement to conserve calories, others busy themselves carving utensils, musical instruments, art for their shelter walls, and so on.  It gives a unique view of these people.  There are also short onscreen educational notes about the nutritional value of the berries they have foraged or info about the animals they encounter.  A lot of the time contestants tap out because the isolation becomes overwhelming and they miss their families.  Many of us have gone through mini isolation during Covid.  I have dealt with it better than I would have predicted if you had told me two years ago what was ahead.

Hoping everyone else is doing well and taking good care of themself during these uncertain times.

My home doesn't smell like my home should.  
I realized this when I received a used book in the mail, opened the package, and it smelled like that persons house.

Its been awhile since I've been able to step inside my door and have it smell like home.  The herbs I often keep near the door have faded, time for a refresh.  At its best, when I step inside my place it smells of white sage, star anise, peppermint, juniper berries, cardamom, and sometimes a pinch of rose or lavender.  In winter, I may add some frankincense and clove to the mix.  Looks like a trip to the apothecary is in my near future.

I'm sometimes asked what types of things I will want from my sub.  I want someone who notices a delicious scent, someone who when asked to pick up some tellicherry peppercorns doesn't come home with green peppercorns instead.  Who understands that the yellow kitchen sponges are used for food surfaces and never with chemicals.  Who doesn't absentmindedly add sugar to my tea, and doesn't mind stopping to pet a cat while out on a walk.  This is a different sort of sub than the ones who message me with their lists of all the ways they want me to perform for them.  If you've got a list of kinks you expect your domme to perform, it might be best to hire someone to do it to your standard, in the precise way you prescribe.   

I get messages from people who somehow think I don't realize that I haven't listed any kinks on my profile likes.  I realize.  I'm not interested in discussing my preferences with strange men on the internet.  This is a kink site.  My profile mentions that I'm a domme who likes service subs, and I'm into Ds.  I believe that demographic is capable of understanding some of the nuances of my profile.

I don't mind questions, but I don't want to discuss kink unless it hits the point that we already know we like each other's brains, sense of humor, and general outlook on the world.  That usually means we've gotten to the point of a phone call.  My general rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't say it to a woman on a date in a restaurant, don't blind message me with it.  You wouldn't randomly walk up to a woman and drop your trousers, don't message me about your dick.  If you do not understand this, we are not a match.  Yes I know this eliminates about 85 percent of the men here.  I'm completely okay with that.

Good dreams last night.  Two cars ago I had a 77 Toyota Celica, stick shift, which I took to a racing mechanic.  Loved that car, I was always first away at a light, and could do 120 climbing a mountain pass.  Last night I dreamt I was driving around town in that car, moving through the streets of the city at a smooth swift pace,  I completely miss having a stick shift.  The only part I don't miss is the panic on a steep hill when you're caught at a light, some twit has crawled up your tailpipe, and you know you're gonna roll back.  That car was low to the ground, and light.  Light enough that if the battery died I could open the driver side door, push the car, jump in and pop the clutch, all by myself. Friends liked it when I picked them up for midnight drives to nowhere, because the car was so fun to be in.  I was a little sad to wake up.

I also dreamt I was house sitting for someone, gathering my things to leave the house and go back to my own life, when I suddenly remembered I needed to take down all the glow in the dark stars I'd put on their ceilings. 

Until just a few years ago I had glow in the dark stars on my bathroom ceiling.  Some of us never grow all the way up.  It takes hard work and vigilance to defend the magical corners of your life.

What do you do in your spare time?

Last night I watched a couple of documentaries on North Korea, had Chinese food, a long phone conversation, listened to music by an East Indian singer, and browsed Reddit.

Tonight I'll be reading an urban fantasy steeped in Celtic folklore, shopping for a gift for a friend, and perusing a newly acquired vintage cookbook dedicated to pumpkin.

This weekend it will be cleaning, laundry, reorganizing the kitchen, a walk in a Japanese garden, a trip to the post office, work on a music playlist, and in an ideal world I would also set up a new laptop and start a basic design project, but that probably won't happen.  I'll be touching base with a couple of people by phone.

On Saturdays, I typically participate in a local womens group but I've skipped the last few weeks because all they want to talk about lately is disease and death.  If someone is not well and needs support, sure.  But if they're not sick, they want to talk about someone they know who has some disease.  If they don't know anyone who's ill, they want to talk about a friend of a friend or someone they heard about in another state or country or something they read once about someone somewhere who was sick, or some sickness they heard about that existed somewhere at some time.  Like, no.  I'm not that bored.

So the theme of this post is, I manage to keep myself entertained, and I'm looking for someone who can do the same.  Curiosity and humor, please.  Also, some social grace.  I fully understand what it is like to be a socially awkward penguin, but I need someone who is capable of polite manners and can be taken out in public.

If you are ever feeling sad, just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old and you somehow managed to live at the same time as Joni Mitchell.  And Hozier.  And Dave Grohl.  And Paul McCartney.  And John Lennon. And Ryan Adams.  And The Waterboys.  And Nahko Bear.  And EmmyLou Harris.  And Nina Simone.  And James Taylor.  And Ray LaMontagne.  And Van Morrison.  And Daniel Lanois.  And Amy Winehouse. And Paul Simon.  And Robert Plant.  And Demi Lovato.  And Dionne Warwick. And Stevie Ray Vaughan. And Peter Gabriel.  And Iggy Pop.  And Rokia Kobe. And Kavita Krishnamurthy.  And Nancy Curtin. And and and... 

Amazingly, I've had better messages since I started posting a journal.

I'm assuming some of the unsavory people have thought, oh no she has a brain!  Danger Will Robinson!

I've said plenty about what I'm not looking for, and probably not enough about what I find attractive.

I like stability.  A stable partner makes me happy.

It's important that any partner appreciates creativity and whimsy, because that's part of the package with me.  

Most succinct way I've seen it put: try to meet a woman who happens to be a dominant, not a dominant who happens to be a woman.

When I'm communicating with a sub, I'm primarily interested in who they are as a person.  If they are unpleasant or have no interests, they can provide the most perfect service on the planet and I'm not going to enjoy the interaction.

It was a good Saturday.  
I packaged and mailed some paperback books for a book swapping club I belong to.  I make an effort to add some artistic flair to the wrapping so the receiver gets a little extra pleasure when the package arrives.  I placed an order for a book I'm looking forward to, and I have a new book that I'm starting today.

The drive to the post office was very pleasant, the sun was out.  But, it's still much colder than usual here so I had to have the heat on in the car and I'm wearing a hoodie in addition to jeans and tshirt.

Which brings me to this point... jeans, tshirt and a hoodie are common wear for me.  Yes I can dress up a bit for dinner out, but my daily wear does not consist of thigh high boots and a whip.  I get a lot of messages here, and some of them are pretty far out in the ozone.  Men who have no real life experience and are basing all their notions off of porn, approaching me with a list of demands.  Those folks are not exhibiting any behavior that indicates they know how to function in a relationship.  Even polite deferrals of, "we are not a match, best wishes on your continued search" are met with tirades and verbal abuse.  
 
I expect some social skills.  The capacity for polite conversation.  The ability to discuss differing viewpoints.  An understanding of nuance.  A recognition of the need for communication.  I'm not here looking for casual kinky pick up play, I'm looking for a long term partner.  I think it's reasonable to expect some relationship skills.  

I've realized I should probably say this:

I don't particularly enjoy talking about kink, in the same way I don't feel the need to understand all the inner workings of my electric teakettle.  I am most comfortable in a femdom relationship.  I like the kettle to boil water so I can drink tea.

If you want to bang out wanky fantasies by the glow of your monitor, you'll find me very disappointing.  

If you want to make my tea, we might have something.

The number of men who become abusive when you do not tick the boxes on their kink wishlist is mind blowing.

The perfect way to end a long weekend:  Pork fried rice, and Chinese cabbage soup from a local family run restaurant.  I swear it imparts super powers.

A quick note to the male doms who message me:  No.

Go look for someone who's interested.  It's not me.

I had a really lovely Saturday.  I went for a drive in the mountains.  By myself.

I'm lucky, I think, because I enjoy my own company.  I have known folks who don't like to spend time alone, and are willing to stay in unhappy and exhausting relationships just so they don't have to be by themself.  I feel sorry for them.

Drive in the mountains by myself?  Why yes, I think I will.  Lunch or dinner solo?  Sure, especially if it's Thai food.  Go to a movie alone?  No problem.

I enjoy having someone to do these things with, if they bring an interesting mind and good energy to the relationship.  I'm looking for someone who adds to my life.  Similarly, I'd like someone who enjoys my company but doesn't freak out at the idea of doing things on their own or with other friends sometimes.  I don't want to adopt every single one of your hobbies and have no intention of giving up mine.  You can keep yours too.  Unless you want to raise snakes or spiders, in which case you can just get lost right now.  There are limits.

To help garner some better matches (which is beneficial to all), I'll offer the following:

I get along exceptionally well with service submissives.  It's a dynamic I understand and am comfortable with.  For some bizarre reason, many people do not grok service submission or understand that it can create an emotional bond.  I am not one of the clueless flock.

If you have a list of all the sexual acts you want performed on you, we're not a match.  I'm not here to tick off the boxes on someone's list, I'm looking for an actual relationship between two individuals.  

I recently received a message from someone who stated they were sapiosexual.  I was very excited by this, as I am sapiosexual and appreciate a decent vocabulary.  So for the record, I am sapiosexual and demisexual.  Please don't message me asking what those words mean.  There's this thing called Google...

Lastly, kink and D/s are not a substitute for therapy.  If you don't know what you want in a relationship, I'm not going to be the magic answer.  I can't fix people.  I will not transform you from one thing to something else.  I don't want to hypnotize you into a mindless state.  I don't want to be your surrogate mother. If you believe that women are superior goddesses, we do not inhabit the same planet.  I'll stay right here with the other humans...  Kindly note, if you happen to be pagan and follow a goddess, that's fine.  Just don't ask me to fill those shoes.

Given some recent interactions, it has become clear that I need to call out the following:

I don't know you.  I will form an impression based on your communications.  Messages consisting only of Hey or Hi there will not get a response.  

I am not an heiress.  If you have disdain for the working class, move on.

I have gotten some messages from folks who believe the Covid vaccines are not vaccines, but a way to implant trackers.  If you are so important that the government wants to track you, they have better ways to do it than trying to inoculate the entire population.  Do not message me.

I am not interested in hearing the explicit details of all your fantasies, nor the sob stories of how every woman ever has wronged you.

Also, and super important:  If you think there is something wrong with you because you are submissive, I am not the right person for you.  I don't agree with that thinking and I'm not here to provide talk therapy for those who want to flail on about it.  If you know you are submissive, you like being submissive, and you're looking for a partner who enjoys a Ds dynamic, yay, there are plenty of us who are dominant and looking for you, because it is a relationship orientation that works for both of us and makes us happy.

To everyone else, I hope we all find what we are looking for, and best wishes.  Thanks for coming to my TED talk.