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Hetero Female Submissive, 46,   , Virginia
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pizzapuppiescows

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Hi there. I gravitate towards the DDlg dynamic sans age play. Lots of giggles and snuggles. Goofy conversations that make you smile. Guidance. Leadership. Follow through. He needs to be hardwired for responsibility because I look to him to fulfill most of my needs and keep me on the right track. In return for shouldering this responsibility I am wholeheartedly his. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.

If you would really like to get to know me you might start with the journal entries. As a common courtesy, please address me with respect and I shall do the same. Also, if you would check that your profile is accurate and up to date its helpful. Age does not automatically adjust each year. Thanks.

Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary. -Oscar Wilde

Username:

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Age:

Sexuality:

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Joined:

 pizzapuppiescows

 Submissive Female

   

 Virginia

 5' 7"

 46

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 06/21/15

 

 Lives For:

 Spanking

 Alternative Music

 Nineties Music

 Loves:

 Fishing

 Movies

 Musical Theater

 Housework Service

 Country Music

 Eighties Music

 Oldies

 Ice Hockey

 Likes:

 Amusement Parks

 Art Galleries

 Beachcombing

 Going to the Opera

 Museums

 Renaissance Faires

 Shopping

 Travel

 1950s Lifestyle

 Blue Grass

 Classical Music

 EMO Music

 Heavy Metal Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Industrial Music

 Opera Music

 Pop Music

 Reggae

 Rock Music

 Show Tunes

 Hates:

 Blues

 Jazz

 Hard Limits:

 Bird Watching

 Diapers

 Bowling

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Journal Entries:
10/2/2022 11:22:19 AM

You know, when I had short hair I didn't have to snake the shower drain and pull up gobs of hair. It's disgusting. Is it worth it to have long hair if I have to do this every few months? 

It's cold, it's gloomy and rainy, and I am cranky. I go from room to room, cleaning a little of this and that. Not a single room is perfect, but at least they are all partly clean. That counts, right? If there was a Daddy I'd be whining right about now and maybe going over his knee for an attitude adjustment. I suppose second best is a visit with my vibrator and a nap under cozy blankets. 


9/27/2022 5:19:50 PM

Worst furniture put togetherer ever. Okay, I didn't fully look at the directions. But it was just drawings, no words, and all of the legs look the same. I only had to take it slightly apart twice. And then I couldn't get the final two screws in (that's what she said), but just on the top. It'll be okay. Really though, every time I put something together I have to take it apart at least once. Or if I'm too far in and the mistake isn't that horrible I just leave it. The second to last desk I put together had a piece flipped so you saw the rough edge. The last desk I put together I may have had to take the top off and stripped the screws so one kind of hangs down, not fully committed to it's life purpose. Eh, it's functional. Don't worry, for the real stuff I call a professional. While I was screwing in the kitchen (wink wink), someone was in the garage attaching things to studs so they wouldn't fall down on my head. Studs. Screws. It is very evident that men named these things. 

Side quest... I mostly know the, what's it called, alpha bravo charlie thing. I might have to think about some of them. But it's not fun at all. So with one guy friend if we're on the phone and he didn't hear me I'll make up my own. Saliva, hippopotamus, egg salad, licorice, vestibule, eclair, squiggles. He always makes fun of me that I use girly words, and then he'll say things like rainbow, unicorn, balloons, etc. Cracks me up. 

So yes, sort of a little bit mostly capable of putting things together. This is what you do when you're masquerading as an independent adult. 


9/20/2022 6:15:05 PM

Are you ready? Because this one chaps my ass. Do you watch Hulu? Have you noticed the ads for hims meds that are for erectile dysfunction? and the ads for hers that are for anxiety disorders? Let's pause for a moment. The number one concern for this company is that men's dicks are working and women's brains are under control. What about his anxiety? What about her sexual dysfunctions? More women have trouble with orgasms than men, but there isn't a pill for that. Why? You know what the top medical issues are for men? Heart disease, diabetes, and stroke. For women? Heart disease, breast cancer, and cervical or ovarian cancer. Hmm, what's missing? You know what's missing? Wilfred fucking Brimley telling you to eat some oatmeal. The more nonfiction I ingest, the more I believe that women should run the world. No more pissing contests, all the kids would have food, and we'd have one massive war of all wars and then it would be done because we are ruthless and loving creatures. I'm kidding, but I'm also not. Pay attention to what you're seeing. Ask yourself these questions... What's the story? What's the other untold story? Who has the power? You'll see emerging patterns and maybe even want to join my army. And to that I say start soldiering in your own backyard and fight misogyny in your circle of friends. Use your male privilege to help balance the scale. 


9/17/2022 3:19:14 PM

Like many of my ponderings here, it all starts with reading a book. In this particular book a character was talking about a two year relationship he had with a woman but it wasn't serious. She was sort of a place holder for a while. Those were the words. Place holder. I get it, people want companionship, sex, having your needs met in the moment. Like that song, "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." I suppose I've been idealistic most of my life, hence the waiting and saving of various things, so it's probably not difficult to believe that this bothers the holy Moses out of me. I don't like the idea of a place holder. At all. I mean, I suppose sometimes those place holders turn into something unexpected. What do you do if it doesn't? What happens when you meet someone else? What if they do? What if being together prevents you or them from meeting that person? 

I make quick decisions. I walk into stores and if I like it I don't hem and haw. I buy. I order at a restaurant and I don't ask the wait staff which is better. I know what I'm getting and how I want it prepared. In the past I've experienced the same uncomfortable break ups as you, if you've ever tried to break up with someone. It sucks. But I don't draw it out, that doesn't benefit anybody. If you know it's not working, rip off the band aid and make yourself available for new experiences. Or don't. If you like the place holder and everyone is comfortable with that idea, more power to you. Just make sure you're both on the same page. For the record, I will never be on that page. Don't come at me place holding, buddy. Some people might say I'm missing out on all of the everything. To me, he is all of the everything, and I don't want to tarnish that with place holding. Does that feel like pressure to you? When it's right, it won't. 


8/29/2022 6:36:25 PM

I excel at cutting people out. Call it a super power. It's not always a clean cut on the inside. Sometimes it takes years to be able to sever the heartstrings. I think people always stay with you. Good or bad, short or lifelong, they are in your wrinkly little brain (yeah, yeah, it's big, I believe you) evermore. I have always considered this ability more of a curse than a blessing, like something is wrong with me. And maybe something is. Maybe there's no maybe. I'm sorting it out. It doesn't change the fact that I am actively making the most difficult cut of my life. There is very little support for my decision, but I've got to do what's right for me. I was just thinking that maybe my prior experience in this was making me stronger for the superbowl of all severed ties. Two years ago I don't know if I could have held my ground. But I'm building trust in myself and being brave. I am valuable and what I think and feel is valid. Important. That's all I need to worry about. All of that mess over there, that's not my responsibility. 


8/8/2022 6:05:45 PM

Something I've always had trouble with is regrouping when I've a million things to do. Logically, I know to stop, prioritize, and do one thing at a time. It's what I would tell you to do. And yet I flounder. It's so difficult to be responsible. Tomorrow will be better, right? 


8/6/2022 6:18:25 PM

Do you ever feel like you're the star of The Truman Show? I feel like that all the time. You're probably watching me type right now. It seems like everywhere I go people look at me. I can't be that beauitful. Okay, okay, maybe just a little. I have three instances that back up that statement that I'll tell you about some other time. But really. I don't think I stand out in any way. I don't look glamorous, I don't even wear makeup. It's the logical conclusion. I am the star of a secret reality show. I'm pretty sure the person I share my office with was a writer for my show who needed more control over the happenings and so they planted her for everyday interactions. I keep waiting for someone to slip, and maybe that's what all the looks are, like spotting a celebrity in the wild but not going over to them. Vain? You betcha. Is there secret merchandise? I'd like a tshirt. 


7/16/2022 1:02:53 PM

I just made chocolate chip cookies topless. Here's what happened. 

I'm on a health kick (the cookies aren't for me). The other night I made lentil bolognese and it called for red wine. Just a little. I'm not a wine drinker but I do cook with it. So, smidge of wine into the pot, cork the bottle. Google tells me I only have a few days to finish the bottle, but I can freeze the wine. Pull out a small ice cube tray, pour half the bottle in, stick it in the freezer. And I learned that wine takes a lot longer to freeze than water. I should have known this but I wasn't thinking. I pulled the tray out with the amount of force you would if it were ice. It wasn't ice. Wine all down the front of my shirt. Now, I'm already in the process of making cookies so what do I do? Whip off my shirt and rinse it under cold water to try to get the stain out. Do I go upstairs to get another shirt? Stay with me here, I know I'm topless. But no, I do not. I grab an apron and tie it on. These damn cookies better be delicious. 


7/15/2022 5:46:03 PM

I am a little oddly obsessed with my ears. Or rather, with having clean ears. I'm not sure why, it just is. One time I was sitting in a room full of people at a workshop and the ice breaker was what would you bring to a deserted island? As people introduced themselves and answered the question I heard all of these brilliant high brow responses. But all I could think about was there wouldn't be any Q tips on the island and I would definitely need those. Yes, I know, you're not supposed to put those in your ear. C'mon, man, who doesn't? If the answer is you, immediately stop reading this and go away, we cannot be friends. 

So yeah, it's Prime Day. Do I want some fancy kitchen gadget? Probably. Did I buy a hair drying curling thing that I will likely only use twice? You know I did. But you know what else? That ear tool with the camera on the end so you can see all that inside business. And holy buckets, one day shipping! So yeah, it came in this evening and I fired that bad boy up to see just how well my Q tipping has done. 

First, it takes some getting used to, the view is backwards. Oh, there's an app so you can see the camera's view on your phone. Left is right, up is down, etc. Everything looks HUGE, you will love that. But so does the wax. Mine was not bad, but with my vigilance I was expecting bare floors. Not the case. Don't worry, it wasn't much, and I officially have clean ears now, but sweet baby Jesus I cannot believe how amazing that little tool is. A clean ear keeper's dream. Ten out of ten. Go get one. Don't use it to make other things look bigger. 

Is this the weirdest post so far? I'm not sure. 


7/7/2022 2:04:50 AM

I had one of those dreams that takes you all over the place (takes has an s because the subject is one, not dreams- grammar is important). I actually knew all of the key players in this dream, that almost never happens. It was all family. Started out at some kind of a community pool that was right next to a prison. Random, I know. My brother was playing catch with some kid in the pool using my dog's ball. Of course the ball bounces out of the pool area and over the fence into the space in front of the prison. Can't get it. I decide I'm going to ask the guard in the tower with the gun if it's okay to go around and get my dog's ball, but right then all the sirens go off and someone is escaping. The pool transforms into the house we're all staying at with a bunch of sliding glass doors right there. I'm freaking out and trying to close and lock the doors because the escapee has climbed the fence and is about to come into the house. And he does. His name is Han and he sits down with us and eats some pie that my sister made. The pie is terrible. But then my parents show up and it's a big game of pretend Han didn't just escape and we also don't have completely working electricity so fake them out with switches and light bulbs. I think at that point it morphed into this whole trying to set me up with this guy who happened to stop by situation, and now we're at my grandmother's house. They all love him. I do not. He's a nice guy and all, but just not for me. Blah, blah, blah, details, and then it's Christmas and an entirely different house I don't know, but my family is there and someone bought me another puppy. It's small and brown and although his name is Jelly Bean I rename him Buffalo Bill. He's running all around chasing cats and having a good time. Phone call from my grandmother because I made her cookies turns into a tech support call for a gift she got. She's dead, by the way. I don't often dream of her but here she is. Blah, blah, family stuff. I don't remember the reason but my brother and I end up outside searching for something down the street. Not the dogs, something else. We don't find it and as we walk back to the house the door is wide open. We're concerned. Go inside, inquire, and my fucking step father left the door wide open and didn't know it. None of the animals got out but son of a bitch if that isn't par for the course right there. More weird stuff happened but I'll stop there. Buffalo Bill? I guess it's not impossible. I mean, it was my dream, right? But so random. The real puppy is doing the heavy sleep breathing a few inches from my head. I both love when she's close and find it annoying that I can't move around the way I tend to because she's blocking me. She is extra cute, though, so right now I'm going to give her kisses and try to sleep for a little before the alarm. 


6/29/2022 10:20:02 PM

6:00 me: Should I take a nap? It's kinda late. Maybe I should just power through...

...

6:03 me: Okay, a quick nap. The puppy will wake me up.

...

...

And she did. At 9:00. So that is why I baked a cake and cleaned the kitchen at midnight. 

She woke me barking like mad at the noise outside. She is the nosiest of neighbors. I even bought her an ottoman and set it near the window, though in truth it's also for my benefit so she'll stop ruining the pillows on the chair she has claimed as her lookout spot. Does she use the ottoman? Of course not.

It's now after 1. I'm awake. I need to be up in five hours, bribe her to eat, pack, not forget the stuff in the fridge, and get on the road. Chances of me being on time? Place your bets. 


6/26/2022 8:59:10 PM

What if mosquitos in fact bite everyone, but not everyone has a reaction to the bite? There's probably science on this, but I like my theory. That's it for today. 

Wait. I just reread what I wrote at the beginning of the month about overcoming obstacles. My people, I am actively working on it. I have four different professionals for four different things and a to do list a mile long that I shorten as I can. Still some scary stuff, still some out of reach stuff, but progress. I am a (wo)man of my word. At least I'm trying to be. Okay, now that's it for today. I've earned it. 


6/1/2022 6:24:46 PM

Even when everything goes wrong, there's always tomorrow. I don't always believe something good is headed my way, but I feel like I'm due, and I'm ready for a positive change. Or more exact would be I'm open to change. Overcoming my own obstacles is the mantra for June. Be brave and get out of my own way. Remind me of that when I start to panic. Working towards happiness is most definitely hard work. I know, it's vague. I'm thinking about a job change and getting my ducks in a row. And you know, nervousy house stuff. Is it weird to want to paint the garage so it looks nice? Not at the top of the list, clearly, but I keep thinking about it. 


5/24/2022 7:28:02 PM

Alright, let's get down to it. Reasons why you may not get a response:

1. There wasn't time for a sufficient reply.
2. I got distracted.
3. The message received was generic. 
4. The message received was disgusting.
5. The message received very much had nothing to do with my profile other than my image or state.
6. Y
our profile is blank.
7. 
I chose not to reply.

It's not personal, I don't know you. I'm sure you're fantastic. Your interest does not mean I owe you my time. In a perfect world we would all get a polite rejection, and sometimes that happens. But sometimes we're having a hell of a day and delete is the best option. Or any one of the above reasons. No response is a response. A "revenge" message is a clear picture of your character based on your own assumptions. This almost feels like a rant, but I'm filing it under public service. 


5/18/2022 11:18:19 PM

My parents have accidentally almost killed my dog. Twice. 

I had a small surgery yesterday and they are here to "help." Twice now they have put their stash of daily old people pills in places easily accessible to the puppy and the bags ended up in her mouth. Last night she chewed a hole in the bag and for sure ate a fish oil pill. It's questionable as to if she ate a piece of a beta blocker. Luckily I caught her before she could gobble up any others, and she seems to be alright. Holy shit though, that was close. The closing conversation went something like this:

Me: Can you keep the bags on the counter where she can't reach them?

Parent: I'll keep them in my pocket.

Me: Can you keep them on the counter since we know she can't reach them?

Parent: I'll keep them in my pocket.

Me: Can you keep them on the counter? 

Parent: Yes. 

Me: *trying to keep my cool, not kick my parents out of my house early, monitoring my dog for signs of beta blocker consumption, oh, and fucking staying awake since I just took pain medicine*

Some of us are not going to make it through the week if I don't stay hyper fucking vigilant. At this point in my life I'm okay with becoming an orphan if necessary.


5/12/2022 6:33:56 PM

If you're looking for me I'm right beneath the Big Dipper. Or the Little Dipper. I don't know which it is, but there I am. 


5/7/2022 5:57:15 PM

My dog clogged the toilet. 

Okay, technically, I am the one who flushed the wipes, but it was all her. You know those treats that fit into some sort of holder and are meant to occupy the dog for quite some time? She ripped the holder and instead of it taking hours to eat the treat, she ate it in a matter of minutes. Everything seemed fine. And then I woke around 2:30 to her trying to eat a great big pile of mush that had just come out of her butt. Gross. So what do I do? I grab flushable wipes to clean it up. And then I flush them. And then the toilet revolted. Thank the lord I have more than one because I forgot about it until I came back upstairs and it's still unuseable. I looked up how to fix this. There is no magic solution to pour in there and dissolve them. The plunger is most definitely not working. I cannot call a plumber and tell him the dog clogged the toilet. This is just another problem for Tomorrow Me. And probably Middle of the Night Me. And that's not even the end of the story, but that's all I've got left to give tonight. 

*Update*  I FIXED IT!!! I seriously thought I was going to have to explain this to a plumber. I just spent a lot of time plunging. And um, then I had to pee. So maybe I had the magic solution because right after I tinkled, flushed, and plunged, it worked. Natural plumber, at your service. 


5/3/2022 6:36:07 PM

I could really use a snuggle. Puppy snuggles have helped fill the gap tremendously, but sometimes there is no substitute for human contact. Play with my hair. Rub my back. Rest your head on top of mine. There is comfort in the weight of you. I miss that. 


4/30/2022 7:24:37 PM

I love cookbooks. I love flipping the pages and looking at the potential life I could create, one where I bake bread from scratch while there's a roast in the oven and a homemade pie on the counter. Keto cookbooks smooshed next to vegan cookbooks pressed up against fix it and forget it, and so on... All of these opportunities. I had two little packets of cashews for dinner. 


4/29/2022 7:38:45 PM

You know what? I bought granny panties. So granny they shouldn't even be called panties. They are underpants. You could fit me, my grandma, your grandma, and half of Canada in these things. And I have never been more comfortable in my life. You can bet my underpantsed ass I'll be rooting around in the drawer for all of the grannies before wearing a pair of wedgie makers. Don't get me wrong, I love the wedgie makers. They are pretty and sexy and they make me feel feminine. These days my dog is the only one who sees me naked, and all she cares about is stealing my socks. 


4/25/2022 2:16:19 AM

Oh friends. What I'm about to describe may change our relationship, but it 100% happened just now and I'm not sharing this story with anyone else. 

My puppy woke me a short time ago to go outside. Glancing at the clock and seeing it was 4:30, I didn't do any of the things I would normally do before taking her outside. Her waking me means we need to go now. Yes ma'am, let's go. We get outside and she decides that dandelions are interesting and this patch of grass tastes divine, and so on, as she does sometimes leading up to her business. She has a flare for the dramatic, like her momma. Meanwhile, I've had to pee since the moment she woke me. All the way down what felt like ten thousand stairs, through every moment of her moseying outside, I. Have. To. Pee. And I'm not going to make it back to the house. 

Chances are if you're reading this you are genetically male (is that the correct term?) and so you would just pull up a patch of grass and unzip. Not having that luxury I faced my two options. Either I could wet my pants, or I could squat and tinkle. Friends, I really tried to use all of those downstairs muscles to make it back to the house. Truly I did. But it wasn't going to happen and I did laundry earlier today. So I did the unthinkable. I moved to a spot less lit. I slid my pajama pants down a bit. I squatted. And I peed. I'm sure someone's door camera caught it, or maybe someone out for a walk. Hopefully it was just me and my puppy. And now you. It's our secret, okay? 


4/20/2022 2:35:46 PM

If you've been a longtime follower or avid reader of my journal, you may remember a particular set of rocks on my drive to work that form a heart at a precise moment. That little section of land would sometimes flood when it rained and some portion of the lower part of the heart would be covered. Being the rarely logical and often magical person that I am, I attached direct meaning to my own heart. If the rock heart was partially underwater, maybe my heart was also having a hard time. Sometimes it worked out to be true. Sometimes I thought maybe it was predicting things to come. Likewise, beautiful days and whole hearts meant it would all be okay. 

Over the years that little section of land has permanently flooded. It really bothered me at first, having my heart underwater all the time. I've had emotional ups and downs and sometimes it feels like I'll never resurface. Driving by every day, with visual confirmation that my heart is perpetually sinking, well, it doesn't make for a bright start to the morning. 

And then there were motherfucking ducks. 

I honestly was pissed off, how dare they benefit from my heartache? Swimming around, creating ripples, it just didn't seem right. The other day I realized I have started looking for the ducks. I've noticed how the, I'm just going to call it the heart lake, has taken on more ground. It looks as if it's always been there. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I can give my heart lake back to nature because I'm certainly not going to drown. I look for hearts elsewhere sometimes. In leaves, in puddles, somewhere nature might offer me a trade. When I see them I smile. 



4/12/2022 6:46:50 PM

"If they like you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused." -Mel Robbins

Yep. Confusion. It would be helpful if he was a dick, but he's not. He's a good person. Part of me is scared to lose him for very selfish reasons. There are always men, there will always be men. But I trusted this one. I felt safe. And superficially, he is very handy around the house. That is of extra benefit since I've got anxiety about service people and needing work done, etc. Losing him worries my head, not my heart. Grown up stuff, the things I'm afraid of. But dammit, I'm the one who broke it off and I did it for a reason. That reason still exists. I need to toughen up and let him go. 

Don't do this to people. Don't let people do this to you. 


4/18/2018 4:32:55 PM
It is always difficult to see someone hurting and feel like you are helpless in easing their burden. Everyone is different in how they cope, and I'm no stranger to shutting down and crawling into a cocoon for a while. It's hard to accept that in someone else because I want to make a difference for them. But it's not really about me. So friends, if we are in fact friends, know that you are not alone. If you need a sounding board or someone to get your mind off of things for a little while, I'm your girl. And if you don't need me just yet, well, I'll still be here. Take your time. 

4/16/2018 2:28:53 PM
The world can be divided into two kinds of people several different ways. Today's method: Survival.

There are those who don't question it, or don't pause on the questioning of it. They get up and do what needs to be done. They make a plan. They stick to the plan (that's the key part, really). Set a goal. Eye on the prize. Survival isn't a question, it's a way of life. 

Then there are those who struggle and get lost in the questions. Sometimes getting out of bed is a lot of work. Doing what needs to be done takes a backseat to breathing. Oh, they make a plan, alright. They're actually really good at making plans. Because strugglers want to succeed. There is always a goal. But getting there doesn't seem possible most days and small victories are as good as it gets. Survival isn't so much a way of life as an opportunity to try again. 

I feel like (most?) doms fall into the first category, and (some?) subs are likely to fall into the second. Feel free to disagree, friend, but I would say that is one of the reasons subs look for a leader. We need someone to keep an eye on the prize when it becomes too much. 


4/13/2018 2:55:13 PM
I had always had this idea that when someone commits suicide they aren't escaping from their problems because they are immediately sent back into a new life with the same problems to overcome and they need to try again. I have no idea where this idea came from but there it is, and I only thought about it in the absolute terms of either you didn't make it through life or you made it to a natural death. Today a new concept came to light: maybe that person got as far as they could this time around, and that was progress.

Maybe I did something to help get them a little further this time. It has to be enough. You'll always be in my heart, M. I hope next time around you make it to the very end. I'm rooting for you.


4/6/2018 4:47:42 PM
The other day I met someone here who is into hypnosis. I don't have any real need for it, but I don't have anything against it, either. So I tried it out. And it's fine for the most part. The point of this isn't really hypnosis so I'll save my opinion. The point is that it is a very necessary thing for him. I am all sorts of open to learning about new experiences, but that doesn't necessarily make them a part of me. Do I sacrifice the things I like for the things he likes? Is that what a "good submissive" would do? I'm not talking specifically about this person, or any particular person. It just has me thinking that we, as individuals, like what we like. There are needs and there are wants. Many people make compromises (sacrifices?) to make each other happy. But is it really the right thing to do? At what point does it end, or should it even begin? Are you selling yourself short?

3/28/2018 6:41:19 PM
I was just talking to a male friend about one of my favorite movies, Shakespeare in Love. He's never seen it but says it's a chick flick. It has sword fights, boobies, comedy, romance, and sadness. I think it's a movie for everyone. What is the deal with men not liking romance? The majority of your blow shit up movies have a romance-driven plot. Someone kidnapped the girl. Go beat everyone up and get her back. See? Romance. Don't get me wrong, I like fight scenes and buildings blowing up, it doesn't have to be all rowing a boat and having a picnic. Just throw in a little feeling. That scene in King Kong where he's fighting the dinosaurs to protect Ann Darrow? Love it, and he's not even human. Love is a driving factor. Embrace it. 

3/27/2018 5:54:17 PM
There is a post I see from time to time on Tumblr that goes like this: 

Stop trying to skip the fucking struggle. That's where character is built. Embrace it. Learn from it. Grow from it. 

The past few days I've been thinking about this as I get my head back on straight. Seems like my head has been coming loose quite a bit lately, doesn't it? No direction. Well no, it's not that I lack direction. I don't have discipline and I am easily distracted by what's in front of me instead of focusing on what's ahead of me. Because it's easier than struggling. And the possibilities of what's ahead of me sometimes seem unlikely. I want to play the drums. I want to learn some sort of martial arts (jiu jitsu?). I want to swim. They're on the maybe hopefully list. I want to play roller derby. That's on hold but not going anywhere. Right now I need to focus on the definitely yes list. I'm not ready to share that. Just know that I've started embracing the struggle on multiple levels. Think good thoughts for me.  

3/22/2018 7:10:37 AM
It's funny, the things that get stuck in your head. The people that get stuck in your head. It's never the right things, not without help. Retrain. Reset. Move forward. See you after a while, friends. Take care of you. 

3/13/2018 3:03:43 PM
I've had a bit of bad lucky lately. Normally my philosophy on this is everyone gets a turn, it's currently my turn, it will pass. Some of these things, though, were major adulty things. Things I never feel capable of even on my best day. And I let it get to me in the worst way. Anxiety overload, shut down everything else that doesn't require emergency attention. That means things like eating, drinking, laundry, errands, blah blah blah, it all got shoved aside. I'm dehydrated. I'm sluggish because I'm eating crap. I'm running out of underwear. And I couldn't bring myself to care. No amount of logic or lists or trying to rally was helping. At the end of the night I would tell myself to try again tomorrow. Several nights I said try again tomorrow. 

Today, today I feel a little more myself. Some of the adulty things have resolved, some are in the works, and some I'm learning to deal with. But I feel a little bit ready to crawl out from my shell. I put a load of laundry in. I bought some dinner. I have a drink. It's a start. 

(You may not ever relate to this firsthand. Or maybe you relate to this more than you'd like. Either way, if you can develop patience and understand for someone else... for yourself... sometimes we need time to pull ourselves together and regroup. It's okay to pause, just don't stay stuck.)

3/9/2018 12:25:20 PM
I need to stop letting outside forces control my attitude and behavior. This has been a shit week. There are things to follow up on and people to deal with. Hoops. I've not tried to breathe or center or even think since Monday, it's no wonder I'm frazzled and moody. Time to get control back. I decide what I put into this world. Choosing a better attitude is the next thing on my list. 

3/6/2018 1:23:02 PM
Welp, started my day by getting into a car accident. Way to go, March. You're on a roll. 

3/5/2018 4:57:20 PM
It's been a nightmare of a day. Fuck Mondays. Fuck shitty random things that happen. Fuck companies that don't return phone calls. Fuck Novocaine that doesn't fucking numb you. Fuck everybody causing traffic. Fuck people that get under your skin that you can't seem to shake. Fuck everyone named Peter. And fuck whoever the fuck invented wintergreen flavored stuff. I hate that shit.

3/3/2018 4:43:10 PM
My phone has been the pits for months now. Battery won't hold a charge and you can't just whip it out (that's what she said) and pop a new one in anymore these days. So I watched a YouTube video, ordered a new battery, and nothing. I waited foreeeeever. But today was the day. And with a heat gun, the tiniest screw driver you've ever seen, an old credit card, the three of diamonds, and one joker, I took apart my phone. Replaced the battery. Put it all back together. And it works!!! I feel like McGuyver. Need a bomb diffused? I'm your girl. AND THEN I figured out how to sync my new speaker to the laptop so I can clean the house while singing. AND THEN I restrung a bracelet. I am adulting all over the place here. Crazy times, needed a witness. 

3/2/2018 7:54:09 AM
I think I mostly slept through my life until recently. Lots of watching and thinking, lots of dreaming. Little doing. If you've read for a while it probably is a common theme. Recently I feel awake. I've been doing a lot of reflection in regards to cause and effect. Because I don't want to wake up one day and wonder where my whole life went. And I don't want to be one of those people that said "if only." And I don't want to be one of those people who is unhappy. 

On a total whim I looked up some stuff and timing was perfect and I went and skated with the local roller derby girls. It was super fun and crazy challenging. I'm not ready for that. But I want to be ready for it. So I bought a Groupon for a local gym to build my endurance. For the next month I will be sore, but happy. Two days in and my ass is killing me. My actual ass. Spin bikes are not meant for sitting. Every day that I can make a class, I'm there. That's the goal. Because after this it's starting to skate on my own to teach myself how to do things like cross over and skate backwards. So the next time I can skate with the derby girls I am ready. 

I think about a lot of things, trying to move forward in more ways than one. I am starting to believe in my own value. Amazing what a little spark of belief can do. 

2/5/2018 12:01:13 AM
There should be places you can go at almost 3:00 in the morning, some sort of all night hair salon for a cut and style, throw in a mani/pedi while you're there because, well, you've got the time. I hate it when I wake up like this. I was dreaming I was eating a soft pretzel and I sort of half woke and realized I was actually chewing my night guard, which is a little bit funny, and it's the humor that woke me. I do love soft pretzels, though. I have funny dreams lately. I wake myself laughing and then I continue to laugh because that's just funny stuff right there. Maybe if I were more serious I could sleep through the night.

1/21/2018 8:04:30 PM
I have conquered sleeping without the TV on. I don't even miss the Golden Girls, though I do feel badly saying that. Small victories. 

1/17/2018 11:30:35 AM
I had oral surgery this morning. Nothing like keeping your mouth open for an hour and a half while a man is in and out of it, am I right, girls? My regular dentist is a woman and she is lovely. The best dentist ever. She sent me to a specialist for this. A man. He saw I was extremely anxious about this and he pretty much talked to me with the same tone you would use on a five year old. It was adorable. While he was working though he would gently but confidently put a finger under my chin to position my face where he needed it. Every time he did that it stopped me in my tracks. Sweet Jesus, I love men who manhandle, even if it's just an occupational hazard. He moved me and I stayed put until he moved me again. Need me right here? No problem. Fingers in my mouth? Yes, please. 

1/15/2018 1:15:43 PM
So I saw this quote. "If he doesn't chase you when you walk away, keep walking." 

...Why the hell should he chase you if you aren't willing to stick around? If this man is your every day and you love him and you're working on those problems everyone has, why are you dropping your end of the deal and expecting him to pick it up? This makes no sense to me. If he is worth your heart and your head, he is worth your effort. Walking away in hopes of being chased is crying wolf and if he's a smart man, sooner rather than later he's going to let you keep walking. People evolve and blending into each other takes work. If you want to go, leave, but keep looking ahead because there's nothing behind you that's yours. 

The assumption, of course, is that it's a situation you want to be in that's good for you. If he isn't holding up his end of the bargain you don't need him chasing you anyway. (You're a dude? Flip the gender.)

1/14/2018 10:45:21 AM
Another gem on Tumblr: I don't need you to complete me. I need you so I can BE me. 

Yes. So much yes. All of those pieces lay dormant. I'm doing what I need to do, but in the background I'm always waiting.

1/6/2018 8:29:50 AM
If you are an alone person and you have the ability, get a dog. A dog opens you up to another point of view and alters your thought patterns to actively include someone else. That's what doms need to do, right? You take in all of the information and make the most beneficial decision for you and yours. A dog teaches you to adapt to change. Picture it. You are bone-weary from work and you just want to turn on some llama porn and forget the day. Only Lady greets you at the door with her tail wagging and she's pawing at you a little because she's so damn happy to see you. So you sit on the couch and scratch behind her ears while you say hello and maybe some of her adoration soaks in because you don't feel like such a grumpy bear right now. You spend another few minutes just petting her and letting the day ease off of your mind. Or it's the weekend and you want to sleep in, yay! You've earned it. But Rover needs to go out and needs some food. So instead you throw on some pants and shuffle through the kitchen to let him out, and maybe you start the coffee while you fix his breakfast. And you take that cup back to bed and sip for a while, maybe you fall back asleep. Or you've been lazy all weekend, living the dream. Trixie has been sleeping all day too, right there at your feet. A walk would do her good. You ask her if she wants to take a walk and she pretends she doesn't hear you. It's what's needed though, so you get off the couch and put some pants on. Considering what is best for someone else does not always align with your first choice of outcome. Sometimes you sacrifice your first choice for the benefit of you and yours. Because she has given you the ability to lead. Because she trusts you to make the best decisions. Because she believes in you. If you can grow your viewpoint with a sweet little dog, you will be much more prepared when you meet your sweet little person. 

1/3/2018 9:29:00 PM
Current thoughts:
  • It's after midnight. Why is everyone I know either texting or tagging me in shit online??? 
  • I sleep with the most random stuff that I happen upon while moving on every possible square inch of the bed. Tonight's discovery: the new phone battery, a cleaning cloth for the bedside light, a paper fortune teller, and something wrapped in plastic that was stuck to my calf. No idea, it's dark in here and it's on the floor now.
  • I don't need quantifiers or qualifiers to say that I am pretty. I usually add IF or WHEN, or the most damaging-- BUT. I am pretty is a complete thought. And I believe it. Put some punctuation on that puppy and move on. (But you know, you still have to say it once in a while...that doesn't count as a "but.")

1/1/2018 6:47:29 PM
While taking my last bath of 2017 I was thinking about what I wanted to leave behind in the year and what I wanted to take with me into 2018. I am leaving behind not treating myself better and not making myself a priority. It'll take some retraining of my brain but I'm up for the challenge. What am I bringing along into the new year? My swagger. Good people who support and encourage me to be better (you know who you are). I've heard a lot about mindfulness in the last few months and I am beginning to value its importance in helping me be successful. Hang onto your hats- if you're coming with me it's going to get bumpy.

Two different people who are entirely unrelated (one in the vanilla world, one not) expressed the same sentiment about themselves today, the one that I have been searching for... I am not enough. That is always my worry; I am not enough for him (Him?). 

I do a lot of thinking. A lot of hoping. A lot of waiting. What I don't do is a lot of doing. Pretty sure this is essential to my not feeling like I'm enough. I don't want to be on hold until I find the right person. I want to be the right person, whether I am alone or not. And I have a plan. Not only did I think about it but I started it. Action. Progress. Again, bumpy ride, but it's going to be worth it. The other day while shopping I picked up a big glass bottle with a stopper in it. On one side it says, "Good things are going to happen." Impulse buy, but it's cute and I like it. I put it on the windowsill above my tub and for the hour that I soaked yesterday I looked at it and I read it and I repeated it. And I believed it. Good things are going to happen. 

Happy New Year to you and yours. I hope 2018 brings you exactly what you need. 

12/31/2017 8:33:15 AM
Take a deep breath, because I found it just in time. I've got nothin' but sassy pants for you.

12/30/2017 8:04:28 PM
I accidentally took a four hour nap today. Pretty sure I won't be sleeping tonight. Family has finally left and I'm putting my house back together. I've missed my bed. People suck all of the energy out of me- does that happen to you, too? Introvert problems. And yet it's so opposite of how I like to be with my person. I'd say I want to be like peanut butter and jelly but that's just not close enough. Like butter on bread is more like it, because the butter just melts right into that bread and slowly it becomes one thing instead of two. That's what I want. Butter on bread. Personal space doesn't apply to us; that's for other people who sleep facing away from each other and don't kiss hello and goodbye. For the people who settle for comfortable. I want to be uncomfortable. Raw I wish I didn't have to tell you this but you need to know it all kind of uncomfortable. Pure, unsure, insecure, painful to look at in the light of day truth. So that when you look at me I know that you know who you chose to love. And when I put my feet in your lap or make you coffee even though I don't drink it or ask you to take the waffle iron down from the big cabinet over the fridge it's not because I need. It's because I want. Every day I look at you and your uncomfortable and I choose you. This. Every day this. 

12/28/2017 9:07:48 PM
Working on it. I think maybe I found my smile. Just have to remember where I put my "I didn't ask for your opinion." Soon. Like it or not, this cocoon has an expiration date. Sometimes I forget that the world is a wheel, and good or bad, it will all spin around again.  

12/21/2017 9:06:23 PM
I hide on Tumblr a lot lately. I hide in books. In work. Cleaning. Anything that will keep me out of my head. I have pushed everyone away and locked up for a while. I don't really know if it was brave or stupid. I need time to regroup. To find my swagger. I think maybe this time it's going to take a while. I tend to be a glass is half full kind of gal, but lately? The struggle is winning. It hurts, you guys. It hurts a lot. Turn off. Shut down. 

12/21/2017 5:54:29 PM
Denying a request weighs me down. I am trying so hard to do things for me now. My happiness first. It's mentally exhausting. 

12/17/2017 5:57:24 PM
"She is proud, she is struggling with herself; but kind, charming, generous." -Dostoyevsky

I ran across this quote just now on Tumblr. I identify so much with the first half of this. I guess you could say the ideas seem at odds with each other: pride and struggle. I think maybe it's pride that keeps the struggle alive. The good struggle. The try one more time mindset. And it's pride that keeps the struggle at bay. The bad struggle. The everything you want is an ocean away mindset. I will always try to swim that ocean one more time. I had thought of pride as either a way to feel about an accomplishment or a way to block feeling. I never really thought about it in relation to struggling. Or that struggling is sometimes the best thing a person can do. The kind, charming, generous part... that's not for me to say. But the struggle, that I claim proudly. 

12/15/2017 4:08:07 PM
I went across the hall today to make a copy and I was singing a Christmas song. The woman in the office across from the copier said something about how she never hears me sing anymore. I said I sing all the time in my office. And she said whenever she walks by I am engrossed in my work, I must not have ADHD because I'm so focused. Actually, I do have ADHD and one of the effects is being hyperfocused. I explained how throughout the day I talk out loud to my office buddy, who helps keep my thoughts straight. Across-the-copier lady says that I am clearly an extrovert with all of the singing and talking I do. Actually, I'm an introvert who opens up in a secure environment. This woman could not be more wrong about me, and it's a reminder that what you see in a moment is only a snapshot of a person. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but choose those words carefully because you just might have to eat them. And now I'm going to eat some pistachios. 

12/14/2017 12:00:34 PM
Dominant men, you are pensive creatures. You look at all the angles to determine every possible outcome. You think about every minute detail. And then you wait for the right moment. When that moment arrives, however, you hop on it. You've already done the leg work, you're certain of your decision, and you follow through with confidence. There's no reason not to, right? You had already made your mind up- you knew this was the desired outcome. You just needed your window of opportunity. 

This is not how I function. The waiting is difficult and sometimes it drives me bonkers. You drive me bonkers... on the inside. On the outside, poised and patient. At least I hope so. I'm trying. 

12/13/2017 3:47:39 PM
I just listened to a podcast by a D/s couple talking about the introduction of D/s in their already established relationship many years ago. It was super interesting to hear their story. I think a lot of what I have seen on Tumblr has been snippets of people's real experiences, some good, some not. Difficult to get a clear picture when things are shared in isolation. But this was an hour of the two of them talking and openly sharing. It's hard to put your personal life out on display. To admit your wrongs. Your failures. To openly look at yourself and what you're doing, thinking, and feeling. I so very appreciate what they are doing to help people understand and maybe find a little bit of themselves in it. I know I did. 

I think I put all of my money on the ideas of Daddy Dom and spanking because they melt my heart as well as my panties. That is not all I need. The domestic discipline part is crucial, and I don't prioritize that nearly enough. It's what makes it all work. Rules that make sense for me. For us. 

And the conversation. Something they said in the podcast that made so much sense is that people tend to have true communication when things are already breaking down, but what they were doing is having these conversations while things were building up, and it made everything so much better. Their relationship, their day to day, their bedroom activities. Everyone stresses that communication is key, but I don't know that people really mean it. You're talking all the time. You're listening all the time. Are you up for that? 

You know what was really great though? They are in sync. It's all there. It's all possible if you want it. You just have to follow through. 

12/13/2017 12:44:10 AM
I used to date a guy who would wait for me to get all situated in bed. I'd get my pillows just right, arrange the covers, settle in all snug and cozy. And then he would mess all of that up and move me to his liking. It was kinda cute. He would mumble gibberish in his sleep. I would sometimes wait until he fell asleep and ask him open ended questions to see where he would go with it. My giggling nearly woke him so many times. Then I'd tell him about our conversation in the morning and we'd both crack up. He snored. Loudly. Swallowed up every inch of space with his limbs stretched out. I slept so much better when he was there. 

12/10/2017 1:40:09 AM
Forty two. I'm forty two I'm comfortable with being alone. I know how to snake a shower drain. How to give myself an orgasm. I can pay my own way. I'm forty two and this Christmas tree is the first thing I've done to show self-worth. Forty two. Auto piloting the wrong things because it's easy. Forty two unable to hold myself accountable. Forty two. I can shovel my own driveway. Mine. I bought this house. Forty two and the TV is my night light and white noise. Forty two and there are empty frames that I haven't filled on the wall because I keep waiting for the life I want to put in them. Forty two. I'm forty two. Closets of clothes and I've nothing to wear. Forty two and I make ten trips to the grocery store because I don't plan ahead. I'm forty two and I still have an attitude problem when I speak to my mother. Forty two and I wonder what I will do when she is gone. I'm forty two and I turn the radio up when I hear a good song while driving. I bless everyone who sneezes. I'm forty two and I am kind, if cautious, to strangers. I'm forty two and I am a role model to people half my age. Forty two and I have no business being a role model to anyone. Forty two. I am forty two. I am forty two. 

12/9/2017 10:03:33 AM
When I'm at work I talk out loud nearly all day. Sometimes it's conversation, sometimes it's thinking out loud. A lot of the time it's saying things to get them out and captured by a co-worker so that when I get distracted and forget she can remind me. I really do talk all day. She is a saint for putting up with me. 

When I come home I put on the TV or radio which I may not necessarily pay attention to but it's in the background. And let's not forget that I sleep with the TV on. While it's not my noise, it's not quiet at home. 

Why all of the noise? I'm not really sure. Maybe because it blends in with everything else in my head so it feels familiar. Maybe because once in a while I clear the clutter and sing the song or watch the show and for a little while I have a break from the noise in my head. 

Today there will be no TV. No radio. No one to talk to. I'll go about my day alone with the noise. It's snowing. Maybe that will be quiet enough. 

12/7/2017 12:27:55 PM
You know how sometimes when you are driving on an off-ramp and it winds around there's some stuff in the middle of the loop? Maybe it's at a lower elevation, maybe it isn't. There is one on my way to work that dips down and it's a whole world inside. I always want more time to explore but it's quick around the bend. I only have time for the rocks. Honestly though, if I had more time I'd still focus on the rocks. There's a pile of light colored rocks and when I hit the right spot on my way around they form a heart. Every morning I look for the heart. I don't know if it was intentional design or sheer luck. I don't know if anyone else notices except me but I have claimed it for my own. It's my favorite part of the drive. 

12/5/2017 6:50:06 PM
I have difficulty focusing. There are too many things swirling in my head and too many things to do and I'm easily distracted. If you don't think this way it's probably difficult to see the connection between starting out with prohibition and ending up with who makes the best pizza in NYC, but I could get you there. 

Yesterday I had a headache. For hours. I don't get headaches so it kinda felt like the world was coming to an end. People who deal with that all the time, my condolences, you are superheroes. Me, I worked with the lights off. And I started AND finished two tasks. This. Is. HUGE. I don't ever finish a task without getting distracted and switching gears; there's entirely too much happening upstairs. But yesterday the headache consumed me. I could think about that, and I could think about the one thing in front of me. Then when that was done I started and finished the next thing in front of me. Holy buckets, you guys, this is what it's like to think like a normal person?!?!? I'll take a pass on the headache part, but the focus was amazing. 

I wonder though if I would have to sacrifice the creativity attached to the 800 ideas I think about all the time in exchange for enough focus for just one. And would I? Not likely. But it was really nice to see how the other half lives for a day. 

12/3/2017 9:37:24 AM
Here's the thing about putting a girl on a shelf: You forget what first sparked your interest. You don't interact to build your understanding, and simultaneously, your curiosity. You don't grow into each other. If she's an independent girl she is reminded that she can do without you just as well as she can with you. It's not her preference, but she can put on her big girl panties and find other ways to occupy her time. Other people. And though she's probably not fickle, if you don't meet her needs she starts to wonder why she's sitting on your shelf. 

Be charitable with your time elsewhere. Focus your energy on other things. Dangle attention just out of reach. Keep your distance. Make her doubt her importance. Exclude her from your life. Leave her to her thoughts. Sit her on a shelf. This is how you lose her. And you should lose her. 

Talk to her. Set reminders in your phone to check in with her if you don't think to do it automatically. Tell her something sweet. Ask her questions and when she responds, listen. Take initiative. Be present. Do better. Be better at this. This is how you keep her. 

From me to you. 

12/3/2017 6:38:38 AM
There's something about waking up to sunshine that makes things a little lighter (See what I did there?). A little more possible. I wouldn't say it's the hair to my Samson, but it definitely brings motivation with a smile. So much promise. Good morning, friends. Hope your day is full of sunshine, and I hope you do something with it.

11/26/2017 8:50:07 AM
My mom. I know, you're thinking, come on lady, this is a sketchy site. We don't want to hear about your mom. Dear friend, I didn't ask what you wanted to hear. I write. You read. Consider this your head's up if you want to skip this one, but it's all about me in the end. 

I grew up surrounded by music. If someone was awake, the stereo was on. Music wasn't only important, it was family. We sang. We played instruments. We made mixed tapes. The car didn't move without the radio on, and I'm the fastest station changer in the east- two seconds of a song and I know what it is so I can flip through all of the presets and settle on the song I like best. Music was so much a part of us that as kids sometimes we would go to sleep with my parents' music on full blast. 

I have a musical memory. Knowing lyrics I haven't heard in twenty years, instantly thinking of a specific time, associating a song with a certain someone. I'm not alone in this, you might do this, too. 

My mom stopped playing music in the house a few years ago when her bird died. She used to leave the radio on to keep her company, but my mom would sing along sometimes. It put her in a good mood and helped make light work of chores. Once the bird died, that was it. No more music. Now she just puts the TV on a bogus news channel. Because she can't deal with the memories. They make her cry. She thinks of everyone she loves associated with songs and she just can't handle it. 

My mom is a MOM. It's one of the reasons I have a hard time with our relationship. I am not a child and I don't need her to tell me what to do (the irony of this is not lost on me). She doesn't know any other way to be. Instead of adapting, she is shutting down. No more music because it fills the empty house with memories. Very little Christmas because, "it's just the two of us." 

Holy shit. Different catalyst, same idea of having an identity in relation to someone else. What made her this way? Is that why I am this way? I am going to start doing more for me. Less TV. More music. 

11/25/2017 10:52:40 AM
If you've followed my journal for a while you've seen I don't always consider my worth. Especially when it comes to thinking of myself outside of anyone else. It's polar opposite of how I think someone should treat me, and I wouldn't stand for it in another person. Well okay, how that goes isn't quite cut and dry, but sooner or later I remove myself from the situation if it doesn't improve. Back to me. I was telling a friend recently how I don't decorate for the holidays because it's just me and it seems like it's hardly worth the effort. Translation: I'm not worth the effort. This angel of a friend bought me a few little things in what she called a Christmas starter pack and told me I'm always worth it. Instant tears! I've been thinking about this on and off, and today I looked at trees for about the millionth time. I look every year. I never do more than look. Because what if. What if He, whoever he might be, wants a real tree? What if we have taller/shorter ceilings? What if He already has a tree? What if is never about my life. It's about my life in relation to someone else's life. Someone I don't even know yet is more important than I am right now. Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad. 

But today, today I ordered my very first Christmas tree and I AM SO EXCITED!!! It's small, but it's so so pretty. And I bought a cute little Santa's bag tree skirt to go with it. I'm so happy! Even though this tree is a safety measure for what if (because in my self-depreciating mind I said this tree is small, not the "real" tree, if someday there is a real tree), it's for me right now. I did a good thing for me right now. And I wanted to tell you about it. :)

11/25/2017 7:29:44 AM
I sleep in a nest of pillows walled around me. There are always lots of pillows but rarely do I use more than a corner of one beneath my head. Pillows under me, pillows behind me. I toss and turn and they end up in various places on the bed. On the floor. Except when I sleep with pillows on top. They keep me still, anchoring me to sleep in a way that blankets cannot. I always slept better when I shared my bed with someone else. Maybe anchor pillows mimic that security. But it's not the same sanctuary. 


11/24/2017 9:41:48 AM
I remember being very young- 3? 4? There was a wrapped box on the kitchen table and I reached for it. My father slapped my hand and said something that I don't remember but was probably something about it not being for me. I quietly walked to my room, where I had a rocking chair for tiny humans, and I silently stared into space and rocked. 

Somewhere in the same time period a picture was taken of me outside on the swing set. It had two swings, a slide, and a little bench with a back so a tiny human could swing in style. It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm in overalls on the swinging seat, and I am silently looking down with tears rolling down my plump little cheeks. I have no idea what I was crying about. 

I am lying on my bed right now thinking a lot of unclear thoughts and not feeling very satisfied or secure. Silent tears. Those two moments above popped up and I realize that it has always been this way. Solitary retreat. Silent tears. I'm just missing the rocking chair.

11/23/2017 3:00:50 PM
Gone with the Wind has been on repeat all day on one of those old movie channels and I've paid attention on and off. And um, holy shit, but Rhett Butler is a Daddy! He wants nothing more than to spoil the crap out of Scarlett and any chance he gets to dry her tears he is spouting sweet little nothings while he fixes her up and solves her problems. He takes charge, sees her tantrums for the fluff they are. He knows who she really is and he loves her not in spite of, but because of. It was her fire that first grabbed his attention and he was hooked from the start. I appreciate that he doesn't crush her spirit while trying to tame her. He tells her early on, "No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." I'll add that she needs to be spanked, often, and by someone who knows how. Kisses and spankings. That's my new 2018 goal. Happy Spanksgiving, friends. 

11/19/2017 9:30:41 AM
Snippets of clarity come from surprising places sometimes. I was just talking to my mother and she was telling me about how she recently caught the last half of Pinocchio. She cried when Jiminy Cricket sang, "When You Wish Upon a Star." It was nostalgic, thinking and believing that the world is a sweet place where dreams come true, because when you're a kid you don't realize there are so many variables between the wish and the dream. 

I realized that I still try to make dreams come true from the wish and that the world is a good place. Part of me knows this isn't how it works. Part of me still believes that sometimes it is.

11/14/2017 8:03:21 AM
Submissiveness doesn't choose when it wants to come out and play. Sometimes it is forced when I need to bite my tongue. Most times it appears on its own, even when I don't want it to. Are you familiar with the movie Ella Enchanted? Probably not, because you're not, nor ever have been, a teenage girl. Poor Ella has to follow direct orders. It's physically impossible not to. Stop what you're thinking because this is not the ideal situation for you. Ella is cunning. She learns how to find the gray area and bend the rules where she can. But yes, ultimately, she follows orders. Get it? Great, back to me. When someone asks me to do something, it doesn't occur to me to say no. Or I think no but I don't say no. We covered this a while back in reference to work stuff. The other part of this, the Ella Enchanted part, is when I am in a conversation that is uncomfortable and I am asked questions I don't want to answer it 100% does not occur to me that it is my choice to answer. Or not. So I have become very good at tilting the conversation in another direction so as to make you forget you even asked. Because I don't want to disappoint you, but I also don't want to feel uncomfortable for whatever reason that may be. Most people don't notice. Where it becomes a problem for me is when I need to push past the uncomfortable and answer the question. There are few times I have felt the need to do this, and when it comes down to it I am detached from my feelings and force logic (yes, I said force). But it's coming, and there are going to be emotions. I can feel it. And I hope he has the patience and understanding to let me awkwardly figure it out, know it was a difficult process, and love me not only anyway, but extra. Because I do it for him. 

11/11/2017 10:47:02 AM
I swear, balance finds itself in my life with lightning speed sometimes. I think perhaps my karma is swift and just. I was just thinking about how some people put small rants in their profiles about fakes or posting a laundry list of perfection you must possess... things of that nature that make the average sane person recoil from contact. Because it makes you sound like a douche. Yep, I said it. There's tons of bullshit here, in the supermarket, on the highway, and at your job. Look around. Do you drop your personalized enlightenment on these people in other places? Probably not. You ignore. You internalize. You move forward being you. But here you unleash the wrath of Khan. ...I nearly forgot myself- back to my karma. So here I am thinking what an awful first impression it makes when we do these kinds of things, and then I start to write my own rant about how it's such a douche move. I have douched myself. Karma. 

11/7/2017 4:50:32 AM
On going backwards: Is it still backwards if you start over again? Is it really starting over or are you just picking up where you left off? 

10/29/2017 4:27:55 PM
My head is so clouded lately. I don't like pink. I have no interest in stuffies. But the cutesy intereactions? Fuck yes, very much so. I don't want to be super little but I want to be treated like I'm little because it makes me more little. Make sense to you? Me neither. Discipline always goes along with that, and I am dead sure this princess mouth of mine will earn my ass some punishment. 

I still need structure, and that's different from discipline. Schedules, checking in, routines, coaching, focus. The things that make me, and us, function successfully. I want the Daddy. I need the Dom.  

10/21/2017 6:46:29 AM
So I'm scrolling through Tumbr this morning, passing by girls in handcuffs, stopping to look at cows in fields of flowers. You know, typical stuff. And I see this:

Find someone who deserves you, not just wants you. (OP: hellish-daddy)

And I pause. Right away my thoughts go in two different directions. The more obvious being someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. Makes time for you, doesn't tell you to hang on when the phone rings, does things to make you smile. Super happy stuff that validates your importance and reinforces your feelings, right? 

My other thought goes along with something I blogged about a little while ago. About how in conversation someone's friend said they wouldn't date the friend because she didn't hold herself to the same standards she required of someone else. That if you don't honor yourself, you aren't really honoring someone else because you're ignoring not only who you are but who you think you should be. You want someone who doesn't pick up the phone when in your company, you need to not pick up the phone either. Ever since I read that it's been lurking in the back of my mind and I think about all of the ways I'm not yet deserving and how I can improve. But not right now, right now is thinking about his (His?) being deserving. Of me. Because- that's right- I'm a motherfucking prize. Maybe not your prize, but you've got one somewhere. What are you doing to be worthy? Dig deep, friends. You can do better. 

10/14/2017 12:08:06 PM
I understand that this is serious. I don't see the need to put on airs. I guess maybe some people like the whole pomp and circumstance that is associated with leather and kneel before Zod, etc. I don't think it's very realistic. Feel free to disagree with me, but this is my journal so I get top billing around here. Maybe it's two sets of people: the one who keeps this magical with rituals and dungeons all in a separate corner of their world, and the other who weaves it into everyday life. Visiting Disney World vs. working there. It makes sense to me to weave it into your life how it fits. If you try to tell me that how the empty glass next to the bed is positioned determines if I'm in your good graces or not, it's likely I'm going to look at you like there's something wrong with you and then remind you to put the glass in the sink because while I'm submissive, you're not a heathen and I'm not a maid. If instead you express your feelings with words and maybe actions, that is clear. It connects us. It also shows that not only are you the dominant, but you're the adult around here and address things directly. This is why I wash your pants (I still don't iron though because, again, I'm not a maid and I don't do torture). To me, keeping things real makes it magical. I don't want to keep you at a distance; how on earth will you see the stars in my eyes from way over there? 

10/10/2017 7:05:13 PM
I am restless. I am tired and I have been sleeping much too long, far too long. And it's not enough anymore. 

10/1/2017 2:36:55 PM
What do you do when you feel you've been wronged by someone so much it hurts? Do you forgive? Instinct says sever all ties and get the fuck outta Dodge. Is that what you would do? ...........What if you were the one who wronged- could you live with that? The world has never felt so small. I am stuck in this circle. This tiny fucking circle chasing my tail, choking on regret. 

9/30/2017 4:19:19 PM
The way I see it, a submissive woman (or this submissive woman) needs two things: love and security. Those two things are accomplished in three ways. 

1. Say what you mean and do what you say. Follow through. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Be dependable- THAT'S what earns trust. A woman who feels secure is more willing to let you lead. So that means that yes, you need to make the first move. You need to put your *shudder* feelings out there first in the scary unknown. You're the dom, right? Take ownership of the situation, of the dynamic, of the relationship. Steer it in the right direction by being honest and reliable. Then follow through. 

2. Listen. Sure, she wants to make you happy and she'll learn all those things from how you like your coffee to deciphering your non-verbal cues. She has her own likes and non-verbal cues, too. Pay attention. She's special, right? Make sure she knows it. Show her. Listen to what she likes and do those things. But don't just show her. Say it. With words. Women like that, too. Put on your big dom pants and tell her. 

3. Be the one in control. She really loves it when you conquer and claim. She's strong. You're stronger. Remind her of that. 

These things are necessary. Lots of other things, too, but today, this is the list. 

9/16/2017 9:33:14 AM
Cookies equal love. I don't mean that the way you think. Well, okay, a little bit the way you think. Let me explain. For sure I like being taken care of, it's part of the DDlg deal. It's not one sided though. Maybe that's why I have a growing curiosity with a '50s household? Or maybe I just like showing people they are important to me. It didn't start there, however. I remember being in the kitchen with my sister and we were both making chocolate chip cookies for boys, just because. Yes, of course I had a crush on the boy I made them for. I'm pretty sure I've made cookies for every boyfriend I've ever had. And every boy friend I've ever had. I make cookies for the tech guy at work when he goes out of his way to fix something for me. I never really thought about it before, it's just what I do. They are hours of my time and care wrapped up in a sweet little treat that brings me happiness to bring you happiness. No one thinks they need cookies; they're extra. It's that effort to present you with something you didn't know you needed until it was right in front of you- that's what makes it special to me. If the way to a man's heart can be through his stomach, maybe it's fitting that a woman's love can be expressed in cookies. 

9/13/2017 3:14:32 PM
Role play. Nope. I get that maybe it's your outlet and maybe it's your only opportunity to experience this side of life. Go for it! With someone else. I'm holding out for the real deal.

9/10/2017 5:29:29 AM
A friend made a comment the other day that has stayed with me. We were talking about something or another and my response to him was that I'm a daddy's girl. His reply was that I'm not one dimensional and he likes all of the sides of me. I've been paused on this notion because I identify with being a daddy's girl for sure and it's clearly my preferred "me." It's not the only me. It shouldn't be. Sometimes when I look at profiles and they are focused on being "in the lifestyle for X amount of years" to prove they are indeed serious about this I think, that's not what I really want to know about you. I want to know the person behind the leather pants. I suppose that's one of the reasons I post journal entries here; you hear what's happening on the inside. Because he's right, I'm a lot more than daddy's girl. Some days I'm a force. I'm nearly always a leader. I'm a do-er. A try-er. An achiever. I don't *need* to be saved; I save myself and I could probably save you, too. Some days I can do that. Other times... I need your strength, even if for just a little while. Those days are tough on my own. Sometimes I'm stubborn enough to push through. Sometimes I lay my head down and succumb to the quiet so I can try again tomorrow. Very few people are one dimensional. Share more of who you are. 

9/4/2017 4:39:02 PM
I have a really bad habit of not putting myself first. Which makes it difficult because I expect whoever he is to put me above all else. I'm sending mixed messages to him, and to myself. I'm a people pleaser, and I worry about how other people feel or how they'll react to what I say/do. I put a lot of thought into what I put out there because their reactions stay with me for days. On the inside I talk a good game. It's me me me. On the outside it's not me at all. How can I expect him to elevate me when I don't walk the walk? Will this ever change, or will I always be my own second choice?

7/27/2017 6:56:42 AM
Many people have a hard time being alone. I'm not one of those people. I enjoy spending time with friends, sure, and even with family on occasion, but I much prefer being on my own. Sometimes it's just too peopley out there. 

7/18/2017 9:51:27 PM
I always find it interesting when I see someone out in the world who is very open about who they are. I'm not hiding, but I'm an extremely private person and I don't relish the idea of someone knowing the details of my world. One of my nightmares is that I actually work with one of you and one day you realize this is me and want to chat about it. Or worse, and probably more likely, that my dad is on here somewhere. I keep my freaky on lock down and while I'll share it with all of you, personal contacts are uninvited. Are you of a different opinion? 

6/5/2017 2:31:04 PM
I'm not unaware that I respond best to a loving male authority figure. Not just any, mind you. I need to not only respect this man, but basically have hero worship for him. It makes sense to me. He keeps my little world revolving with his finger in all of the pies. Or most of the pies. He probably specifies how I'm to make those pies, and that's fine by me if there's a baby/honey/sugar followed by a squeeze thrown into the mix followed by a good girl when I'm all done. Chances are he makes some of those pies himself, because he knows what he wants and pays close attention to detail. And I will eat every one of his damn pies because I believe in him. This little world that spins on his axis... he can make it tilt any way he wants, but always towards what's best for the two of us. This man of mine, who is not mine. I know now. It takes a long time to get to pie. 

5/8/2017 3:39:18 PM
Sigh. I have been catfished. I am three parts sad, one-half part angry, and one-half part mystified. Why would someone go to such great lengths to lead another person on? Starting out knowing that it has no where to go? It makes no sense to me. All I can think is that he must have such a miserable life that I brought a bit of sunshine to his days when he could pretend to be someone else. And I feel foolish for trusting. For not questioning. I am also, oddly enough, thankful for this particular experience because I learned a lot of specifics. What my needs are vs. my wants. I've learned that although it's still difficult for me to give up control (though in this particular instance I was smart not to), it's possible. I've learned that I'm a fan of a '50s household- who knew?!?! I've learned that "we" is stronger than "me," and whoever "he" is, he puts me and us first. I appreciate (dare I say expect?) a gentleman. Life necessities are first air, then water, then hugs. I thrive on positive reinforcement and snuggles. And ass grabs. I've always known that patience is essential. I have been reminded to trust my instincts, be polite, but be cautious. The most surprising thing I've learned is that I can attempt to have my own discipline. I loved having someone look after me, but I can learn to do it myself. I can plan ahead to be more efficient. So I lost a Daddy and gained a planner. I think we're going to be very happy together. 

2/23/2017 6:27:32 PM
I do not want to work in a place where a female who is bending over for one reason or another feels the need to stand up straight when a male is present so that he doesn't look at her ass. I do not want to work in a place where I am looking a man in the eyes and he is staring me in the breasts. I do not want to work in a place where a woman is appreciated for her body and a man is appreciated for his hard work. There are plenty of other places to sexualize people. Get your tits and ass somewhere else. 

2/20/2017 2:25:06 PM
A girl's entitled to a day off now and then. Why do I feel so guilty? I had a lovely balance of work and leisure over the weekend and I was feeling rather satisfied with my choices. Today though. Never should have taken that nap. It's all gone downhill since the nap. The day isn't over and I can certainly salvage part of the evening, but I can't help but feel like I wasted this time, especially when trying to create new habits. 

I spoke with someone recently on this topic, but I don't know that I mentioned it to you, friends. I was perusing my Tumblr feed and there was an entry by a sub on how dumbstruck she was when during a conversation with a friend he said he would never be in a relationship with her because she does not possess the qualities she demands in someone else. It made her pause and self-reflect. It made me pause and self-reflect, too, which led to my creating new habits. A little at a time, for sure. But I know myself and I know that I lack discipline and consistency. This is why today bothers me. I don't want to fall backwards. Knowing is half the battle, right? What's the other half made of? I am doing this for me... but not really. I am doing this so that when I meet this man, I measure up. 

2/19/2017 7:19:44 AM
In thinking about complacency... how do you avoid it? There is this really great little video circulating online- a man with OCD recites a poem about how at first all of his little quirks were adored by his love. He kissed her sixteen times because none of the first fifteen were perfect. He locked the door eight times to make sure he locked the door, and she felt safe. At some point, she stopped kissing him back. It became annoying that he checked the door. And eventually she left because she fell out of love with all of the little things that made him unique. And now he can't sleep because he thinks of how a new guy won't kiss her sixteen times until it's perfect. And he sleeps with the door unlocked in case she comes back. It's heartbreaking and amazing.

No one ever intends to fall out of love. We get used to it. If every day you have perfect and it never changes, is it still perfect? Because all beginnings are rather perfect, aren't they? It's the start of your story together. At what point does it lose it's shine, and how do you stop that from happening? Still the same you. Did you change, did she change, or is it because nothing changed?

Not having spent a decade or longer with the same person it's a curiosity. How do you stay fresh? Do you find ways to earn her again? If you knew what the answer was would you do it? Or are you better off leaving the door unlocked? 

2/16/2017 1:37:21 PM
Well hell. I have always been a Daddy's girl, even before I knew it was a thing. But somewhere between recently and now it's become the only thing. Little girl problems. 

2/13/2017 5:36:08 PM
Someone took the time out of his day to randomly insult my appearance. What an unexpected treat! Thank you for burdening yourself with the task of creating darkness in the world today so that others could create light. It's a tough job, I'm sure, to spread misery so that people will be thankful for the good things. I'm thankful for my fat ass. It takes a sweet pounding. 

Onto better topics. In an effort to turn things around, to blossom, I changed one of my habits today. Feel pretty good about it. Hoping to continue. Grand things are happening. :) 

2/13/2017 3:34:49 AM
This dynamic, or any dynamic really, isn't about sex. It's about the bond that builds between two people. Trust is always the foundation, and trust takes many conversations, follow through with action, being dependable, and honesty. I looked through several journals from across the spectrum yesterday. People seem to have a hard time putting their thoughts to paper, and that's fine, writing isn't everyone's preferred medium. The things that came out though... no inkling of depth. Of wanting to establish and grow. The same thing for profiles; there's a lot of "don't contact me if A, B, C, D." Negativity multiplies upon itself. I am thinking, much like you, that there are more people on here who just want kinky sex than there are people who want to develop a relationship. And that's fine if you know what you are and what you seek. When these same people then knock on your door and try to hitch a ride, well, no thank you. I am a book, not a pamphlet. 

2/12/2017 4:02:16 PM
What is and isn't considered bratty? I would say that purposeful, pouty or whiny denial is bratty. That adamant refusal without reason is bratty. Demanding for needs to be met is bratty. Two key words there: denial and demand. The double D's of drop your panties because you earned this spanking. That said, a submissive has an opinion and it isn't always in agreement with yours. Even when you're right. Even when it's for our own good. I can not like what I've been told to do until the cows come home, and I might even grumble under my breath or give you a disgruntled look. While I do it. I'm complying. Now, from what I gather, some doms want 100% compliance without any opinion from the peanut gallery and anything less is grounds for a punishment. Some doms rather like the grumble because it is an immediate reminder that she is actively choosing to let you lead in this moment when she doesn't want to, and that melts your dom butter all over the place. I'm all for the latter because sometimes I'm a grumbly kinda girl. My opinions aren't as easily swallowed as... other things, and no is not the way I test your authority (of course I test your authority, we ALL test your authority). 



2/12/2017 3:21:25 PM
"The flower does not dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes." -Mark Nepo

Truer words! Welcome back to my journal, sinners. Wasted break, I'll spare you the details. Has a lot to do with the quote, which is brilliant. I'm the flower in this scenario. I think perhaps some dominant men would consider themselves the flower once they got over the whole I don't want to be a flower thing, and I'm sure in some cases that's true. There's plenty of room for flowers, friends. But the bees... how does one get the bee to notice the blossom? Even the way I phrased that isn't the right mindset; it's still dreaming of the bee. I am the flower, I just need to bloom and grow and not even notice those bees. When the time is right the bee will notice me. 

Not to drag this whole horticulture analogy on (but I will) but I have been lost in the weeds of everyday bad habits. How does one who needs guidance and discipline adjust her own lifestyle and stick to it? Where will I draw strength and support? That, friends, is the million dollar question that this little garden's hopes rest upon. If I don't bloom and grow... no bee. Breaking my own rules comes too easily. Putting on my best big girl panties, wish me luck!

It feels good to be back. I hope you're well. :)




10/1/2016 8:31:49 AM
I did it! I eliminated one of my jobs! I feel bad about it, but I left them in good shape and did what I could to ease the transition for the next person. I didn't need the job, but I did like it very much, and I'll miss it. I won't miss the late nights or working from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep. I do like working, though. It provides purpose, I know the expectations, and I excel in my field (dare I say dominate?). So what am I doing with all of my free time? Putting it back into my main job, of course.
The Man: 1 : Hobbies: 0. It's a step in the right direction, at least. 

9/25/2016 6:17:49 PM
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I believe it to be so. The people who come in and out of your life, the ones who stay, the ones who leave... the influences they have that change you, big or small. It's intentional. The rhyme and reason I don't know that I'll ever understand. I do need to remember that good, bad, or in between, I am where I am meant to be and it all fits together.   

8/17/2016 3:31:11 PM
Rubber bands should last forever. The fact that they dry up and snap or just straight up petrify over time makes them unreliable in my book. And friends, a girl needs something steady to rely on. It's in the little things. I know that when I put pasta in boiling water it will be ready in 10-12 minutes. Stepping on the gas pedal makes my car move. A bookmark is going to hold my place. There are certain stabilities you can count on, for the most part. I hate things I cannot count on. Now if I feel that way about a rubber band, how do you think this applies to people? Exactly. Granted, these other things have one job and people have a great many more. One of them should be to have the ability to be counted upon. And not by their own measure, but by the people who count on them.
...I really am serious about the rubber band thing, though.  

8/16/2016 12:46:21 PM
Is it hot as balls where you live, too? I don't know where I picked that saying up, but it's the official top of the hot scale for me. I feel really bad for my plants. I feel bad for them in general because I am the worst gardener on the planet, but especially in hot as balls weather. But you know, not enough to go outside and water them. First world problems. 

7/21/2016 4:38:31 PM
Hi friends. Been a while, I know. Let's skip the whole "how's your mother" stuff, shall we? I am currently obsessed with leggings. Since 99% of you, dear readers, are male, I'm going to assume that not only does this not make any sense to you, you also don't care. Fair enough. Substitute golf or ostrich porn or something you prefer if that makes it more relatable. It is in fact an obsession. Although I'm well aware that I fixate on certain things for a length of time and eventually I will move onto something else, it doesn't deter me from emptying my wallet to support the current habit. It could be worse. It could be jewelry. Yes, I came out of hiding to confess my leggings obsession. No, I don't care if you care or not. I know that admitting I have a problem is the first step but I have no idea what the second step is. Unless it is buying more leggings... she says while looking at a leggings sale online. Carry on with your ostrich porn. 

2/18/2016 7:37:10 PM
Meetings filled entirely with women are pointless. Everyone has an opinion. And an opinion on someone else's opinion that uses different words but really is the same exact opinion. They* say 50 words when 5 would do. There are *shudder* feelings involved. Nothing. Gets. Accomplished. (Did you picture me banging my head on the desk? You should have. Reread it.)


*I am distancing myself from these feminine time wasters. Get to the point and contribute a new idea or for the love of all that is holy, stop talking. 

2/13/2016 7:06:36 PM
I received lovely correspondence from a very dear person today. He is going through some change right now and it's making him reflect on his life. Somewhere he heard/read this: "Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before life changed everything?" 

I think about this all the time. At what point did I start working my life away? I am out of touch with the person I want to be. The person I used to be. If I could wipe the slate clean and start over tomorrow what would I do? Write. Craft. Take art classes and music lessons and learn how to speak Italian and make the perfect banana pie. I'd read more. Sleep in. Hire somebody to clean the bathroom. Live in my body instead of my head. And then I think, well, what is stopping me? Nothing. And everything. Mental reset has to start somewhere. I am going to go read. What about you? Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before life changed everything? 

1/31/2016 1:29:37 PM

Friends, a question: What is femininity? How do you define it?

I don't really know the answer or how it pertains to me. I equate femininity with pink, frilly bows, makeup and a shoe fetish- none of which I obsess over. For a female I have giant feet, which don't make me feel all that feminine. And I will definitely fight you for the last piece of pizza (see the 11/15/15 entry- I'm serious about my pizza). But I can't kill a spider without having a heart attack. I like pretty things. I giggle. Think what you will.

I feel it's in her movement, her nuances. The way she goes about the moment. How she curls her hair behind her ear or puts chapstick on. Nothing you can pinpoint. Femininity, to me, is much like having grace or being a natural alpha. It comes from within and manifests in a million different ways that have no ulterior motive. You can teach someone feminine ways, but never how to simply be. Just as you can teach someone how to be a dom, and they'll do all the domly verbs, but it isn't an intrinsic part of who they are, so it's always just a little bit off. If you pay attention. 

That makes femininity, in my definition at least, in the eye of the beholder. If you think she is feminine, she is. 


1/31/2016 10:17:08 AM
20-something men. So fearless. So bold. I appreciate your roar. But I'm on the other side of 40 and looking at toilets to finish a bathroom. You don't want this yet. You're not ready for this. Enjoy the ripening process. And for God's sake stop playing it cool. Learn to be comfortable with your feelings. Use your words. It's going to help you a hell of a lot when you're on this side of 40 if you are already well versed in communication. 

1/28/2016 5:07:48 PM
I don't peruse profiles very often anymore, especially since I'm on a hiatus of sorts, figuring out the simple stuff so I can get involved with the complicated stuff. I glanced today, and I just read through part of a profile that made me realize  I've barely cracked the surface. There are things out there I didn't know I might be missing, pushing me further in directions I wasn't aware I have an interest in. Suspension... what is this about? How does that work? How does one even discover it as an interest? So creative. I wish I knew the name that belonged to the profile, I would surely ask questions. From a distance. Because Tumblr reminded me that if I keep dipping my toe in I'm going to get pulled by the tide. Don't get me wrong- I want the tide to drag me out by my hair. I've some things to accomplish first.

"Stop asking for something as deep as the ocean when you're not even ready to swim..." -RestoredProdigal

1/25/2016 4:01:53 PM
So I'm reading this book, which I quite like. On pages facing each other are two sentences said by the same character. The first: "Because life is not a river and we're not all headin' in the same direction." I love this! What a great reminder to be yourself and go at your own pace and not worry about what anyone else is doing. The second: "No, I wish I would've had friends that were going after things they weren't supposed to have." This one bothers me. To the point that I put the book down and came on here to think it through. I  feel outraged that a random anyone would have the mentality that it's okay to deem what is or isn't allowed for someone else. It wasn't meant to be alienating, much the opposite. Yet I find no inspiration in hearing that you shouldn't have something and you bust your ass to get it. Success is for the successful, no matter who you are. Alright, alright, it's the whole underdog thing. Maybe I've always been a believer in the underdog. Maybe my feathers are ruffled because sometimes I identify as the friend that isn't supposed to have it. Only sometimes. Mostly I think I'm deserving of any damn thing I want to focus my energy towards. Isn't that how it should be? Did I just end up agreeing with that quote? I think I did. That wasn't the plan. Carry on. 

1/24/2016 5:39:05 PM
I like when he calls me baby. Doll face. Little one, little girl, kitten, pet, munchkin, sweet girl, princess, angel, peanut, half pint, my girl. It makes me feel little. And loved. And possessed. 

I like when I respond and he comes back at me with a, "Yes, what?" to hold me accountable for addressing him as Daddy. I sometimes leave it off because I hope he will correct me. I want him to. It makes me feel little. And loved. And possessed.

I like when he checks in on me to see how my day is going. To tell me to stop a moment and sit still and just breathe. To make a list. To stick to the list. To remind me of my chores. It makes me feel taken care of. And possessed.

I like when he texts me to say he is thinking about me. To say that he misses me. When he types hugs or those little xoxo's. That he wants to tuck me in at night. At the bedtime he set. It makes me feel little. And taken care of. And loved. And possessed. 


He who? I don't know just yet. But he's out there. 

1/23/2016 7:16:19 PM
I've learned some things about myself in the last few months. I want a leader. Someone who embraces the responsibility of getting and keeping me on track, because if he falters I falter. I have every faith in him and unfortunately, little faith in myself (I'm working on it, cut a girl a break, eh?). I want him to wake up every day with a plan, and I want to be a part of that plan. Rain or shine. That's not the new part; I've always wanted that. As messy and dysfunctional as my every day is, I much rather schlep through it on my own than be made to feel like I'm not a priority. You're having a bad day? I don't care... well no, I do care, but show up. Do your daddying job. Every day. That's not the new part either. The new part is I want it. I don't need it. Image that. I don't actually need anyone. This opens up a whole world. I don't know if I like it, but I'm going to live by myself for a while. No new interests. No flirty conversations. Just me and my act, getting it together, getting it done. Alone. Reset. *self high five* 

11/26/2015 8:51:16 AM
I just saw a picture on Tumblr* of a leaf and its shadow, where the shadow looked like a dragon. It was captioned, "When you think you are a dragon but you're just a leaf." It's adorable. I love it. When I was younger I had a small dog who thought she was as big as a polar bear. She was protective and fierce... with her floppy ears and wagging tail. She wagged with gusto; her entire backside would wave back and forth. She barked at strangers with the same enthusiasm. No one told her that she was a small dog, and I doubt she would have believed any of us if we had. This dragon leaf, this polar bear dog, they remind me that I am not just a girl. I am a warrior. I fight my demons and when I am bested I get back up again. 

*A plug for Tumblr: If you are the sort of person who is interested in learning more about the psychological aspects of BDSM relationships, of bettering your understanding of yourself and your counterpart, I highly recommend you look into the darker side of Tumblr. It's where I first realized I wasn't alone. If you are the sort of person who likes graphic images, Tumblr has plenty of that, too. 


11/14/2015 10:06:39 PM
Two things, one much more important than the other. I leave it up to you to determine which is which. 

First, I have often thought about this. The word hot when used to reference appearance is an empty compliment. It addresses a base reaction; you look hot, I want to do lascivious things to your body. And while I do quite enjoy lascivious activities, I much prefer a compliment that speaks more to my appearance and less to your reaction to my appearance. Enter the attractive scale. Much like the K Mart, Walmart, Target hierarchy, there is a level of attractive compliments that scales from "meh" to "wow." It goes as such: cute, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous. Notice that hot is no where on this list. Granted, you might be thinking that you want to lick my body in unseen places when you say I look pretty/beautiful/gorgeous (really... save cute for puppies, children, and when I look awful but you know better than to say such a thing), but those particular adjectives elevate you in my mind. You're not afraid to make it about me. You are genuine... or at least you come off as genuine. I believe you. I accept it as a true compliment. But tell me that I look hot and I feel the distance between us growing. Nothing turns me cold as quickly as telling me I'm hot. 

Second, I just read on a profile that "the person who buys the pizza gets the last slice." I found this amusing and a solid reminder. I'm buying my own pizza and I hope you don't like my toppings. You know who you are.  

10/29/2015 8:03:54 PM
Friends, I'm feeling needy. I know what you're going to say- of course I'm needy, I'm female. And to that I say, first, pfft, and second, this is not about every female. It's about me. For those of you who don't identify, let me try to break it down. You know when you blow up a balloon to it's capacity and it pops? That moment or two right before the pop, when it's beyond full and it's stretching to contain all of that extra air, that's how I feel. Only the air is emotion. Sometimes it leaks out in small doses- I cry easily during movies, shows, songs, commercials. That helps. It isn't enough though. It's all swimming around bumping into each other right now and I don't want it anymore. I don't want any of it. I want to be a flat balloon. I don't remember to stop and breathe. All of this extra air and I can't breathe. 

10/23/2015 3:16:05 PM
I don't know if you take music to heart, but I do. Music has a memory that tangles into my heartstrings. There are songs that take me back to certain moments, remind me of particular people. Have you ever listened to a song you've heard a bunch of times before but this time you listened to the lyrics and suddenly it applies to your life and you get it? It's like the song was created to connect with you and what you've struggled to understand. And then there are songs that maybe you don't relate to but stand out. They're just something that make you smile instantly. Or at least they do that to me. "Stay a Little Longer," by Brothers Osborne is my current smile. It's involuntary; I truly can't help it. When it comes on I am filled with sunshine and all I can do is smile (and maybe chair dance). For the melody, for the words, for the way I immediately keep the beat. It feels so natural to me. When it ends I just want to hear it again. It's a few moments of unbelievable happiness. ...I want love like this. 

10/19/2015 3:36:36 PM
Friends, it happened. I am 40.* Somewhere between my Sweet 16 and Saturday I managed to age, at least chronologically. I feel like 40 should come with a certain amount of respectability and responsibility that should hit you the moment the clock strikes midnight. That didn't happen. I wore pajamas to my party. Why? Because it was my party. I stopped adulting as soon as the first guest showed up, at which point I drank entirely too many Not Your Father's Root Beer (Have you tried it yet? Fantastic!) and laughed for the rest of the evening. I'm not seeing what the problem with turning 40 is- so far it's been a damn good time. But in the spirit of commiserating with you... I have approximately 12 gray hairs on my head, laugh lines that appear easily and often, and I now have the great displeasure of hearing out loud that I am forty. 

When major life events happen I tend to panic for a moment at the lack of achievement I have not accomplished as time deteriorates. And then I breathe. And I look at all I've done in the time I've had. There's a lot I am proud of. It hasn't always been the easiest journey, but I've a thing or two to show for it. For someone who doesn't adult very well (that is truly the heart of the matter), I am not surviving; I am thriving. Cheers, friends, and happy birthday to you, whenever that may be. 

*Notice I changed my profile so it accurately reflects my age. Does yours?

10/9/2015 1:24:52 PM
First, good lord, those pictures on the right- some of them are seriously creepy. There was a guy with his entire head painted white, black around his eyes and streaked down his cheeks, and his tongue sticking out. I don't know what kind of a kink that is but it is definitely on my list of dislikes. 

Now that that's out of the way... friends, I am feeling down. I just checked my email and I did not get a position on a committee I very much wanted to be a part of. I wasn't going to get paid for it, it was extra work, and I'm already too busy for one person, but I wanted it. It's funny how this one piece of news changed my entire demeanor. Why is my mood so easily influenced by outside stimulants? Well alright, there is one other email that bummed me out. I pitched an idea for something else and I was politely declined. That one I think is not so much my idea as the person I pitched it to is behind the times and doesn't want to move away from familiar into new possibilities. But still, denied. I'm aggressive, outspoken, proactive, and used to success. That's how I get it done. Maybe that's the problem; I am moving and shaking with a group of talking, hemming hawing, let's tiptoe into this people. So this is probably a good thing. It doesn't change my reaction to it. Someone spank it out of me to brighten my mood. 

10/6/2015 7:13:53 PM
It's a rare moment when I don't have ten or eleven things floating through my mind to talk about. Don't get me wrong, they're there. I just don't want to talk about them. Some things are meant to age in silence. So instead I will pose a question that perhaps you can relate to: Have you ever had such ferocious stomach rumblings that it sounds like you swallowed a wounded animal? It was beyond ridiculous. Had to be acknowledged. So I looked down and shhed my stomach. The shhing isn't new, I do that all the time. Just not when I half expect a short baritone opera singer to apologize from inside my digestive tract. Tell me that hasn't happened to you. Go on. 

9/27/2015 2:28:27 PM
Friends, I find myself at a crossroads. A limbo of sorts. I have made this decision many times, but at the drop of a hat it changes against my better judgment and I'm right back here in this son of a bitch unknown area. Heart vs. head. And it is always the same outcome. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing again and again while expecting different outcomes. I am an intelligent female. I know better. But I have great belief in the power of hope. It's a hindrance. It stunts my growth. And so I am changing the outcome by removing myself from that particular equation. If I'm not there, I can't change my mind. No heart, all head. This is not how I like to live my life. But neither is not knowing where I stand. 

Cryptic? You'll get over it. So will I. 
Keep moving forward.

9/21/2015 6:02:42 PM
I bought a chair from someone in my neighborhood. Picked it up tonight in the rain. It didn't fit in my car but I only live a few blocks away so I lower the window and hold the chair outside of the car. I pass a jogger. Then I get lost. This time the jogger passes me. I get my bearings, make it to my street, and who is there to meet me? The jogger. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. In the time it took for me to get lost in my own neighborhood while holding a chair outside of my car window in the rain, a jogger lapped my car and made it to my house before I did. You can't make this stuff up. 

Also, I misplaced a pillow. It has entirely disappeared. How is this even possible? 

9/19/2015 10:52:11 AM
There are several things I need to get done today but I find myself wasting time online. It's times like this when I feel like I need someone to keep me on track and provide motivation, whether that is in the form of working towards a treat or working to not gain a consequence. I often feel that I lack direction. I recognize this in myself and try to stay focused. I've gotten this far in life so i can't be doing too horribly a job. But days like today I could use a little help. I like the idea of having a plan, a list of tasks, having someone I share that with who checks in, encourages, motivates, and reminds. Someone who holds me accountable. 

I was talking to a friend the other night about a work dilemma and she said something I never really considered about myself before. I am a people pleaser. I find this news appalling and, sadly, accurate. I'm the yes girl (woah there buddy, keep it in context). There are so many extra things on my plate because I feel badly saying no. Of course I'll spend my Friday night helping you stuff envelopes. Come in early to help get organized? Sure. Saying yes and dealing with the time constraints and added work weighs less on my mind than if I say no. I dislike this about myself. 

The flip side is I like it very much when it comes to my relationships. Not in the sense of catering to someone's every whim- despite people saying they want that, it makes for a pretty boring life. It makes me happy to make him happy. Maybe it's in the form of cooking/baking and keeping his drink of choice on hand. Or maybe it's picking up new gloves because he lost one. It's the little things. The every day things. I want to make him smile every day. Hopefully he feels the same and his actions towards me reflect it. We value, respect, and take care of each other. That's a relationship. Whatever else is a part of the dynamic, that's a relationship to me. 

This girl, who is not in a relationship, now has to motivate herself to get her work done. 

9/15/2015 5:55:07 PM
Craptastic day. One thing after another. It's the first time I think I ever wanted to punch the shit out of something to lose this aggression. Men who get into fist fights: tomorrow I'll go back to talking about my feelings, but today I want to be part of your tribe. Fuck today.

9/12/2015 10:43:48 AM
Legitimate question: Why do men take pictures of themselves while in a car? I know no women who do this. Is it due to a deep love for the vehicle? Boredom at traffic lights? So the wife won't know? Because it would be a crime to not take advantage of the natural light? I find it so peculiar. 

Unrelated note: Time to paint the toes. Will it be pink, purple, or blue? 

9/7/2015 1:34:03 PM
So here's the thing... I don't want to be on borrowed time and stolen moments. I want all of your moments. If you're married, in a relationship, in a complicated situation, or just wanting to play, I'm not the girl for you. 

If you're honest-to-(the name of your deity here) available, interested in getting to know a person before you pounce, and Daddy is your middle name... well, hello sailor. :)

7/31/2015 7:18:20 PM
Truth can be tough. I get that. The reality of some of your particulars may not be exactly what you'd like. People may attach their own judgments to your truth without understanding. You may not get the chance you think you deserve.

But without honesty it is all pretend. You can't build a relationship on lies. They are the cracks in the mortar; sooner or later everything will crumble.

Hold onto your truth. Own it. Let that person who holds it against you walk away, you don't need that negativity in your life. Build a solid foundation from the first hello, and do it by honoring yourself, respecting him/her, and trusting that the right person is going to look beyond their own perceptions to understand yours. 

7/16/2015 8:35:14 PM
Old boyfriends are coming out of the woodwork. Something in the water? It's so interesting to see how things change. How I've changed. I would have jumped at the opportunity not all that long ago. You know the one who you thought was going to be the one? Yeah, that was him. I fell for all the charm. Didn't see that he was all talk. Now that there's been distance I realize that he is still who he is, and as much as I'll always care for him, what he offers is not enough for me. The other one... it's complicated. He's a really good person, and he was a great boyfriend. But he has too much to sort through in his life. He's not ready for me, and I can't stop to wait. Keep moving forward. 

7/10/2015 3:54:29 PM
In keeping myself open to new possibilities I nearly forgot that I have relationship ideals and not only does everyone not fit into that box, but I don't have to jump out of that box. Some situations, no matter how likable, are not going to work because something is missing. I'm not talking about wanting a Mr. Perfect. I'm talking about Mr. Perfect for Me.   

In past relationships I have tried to always make sure that the next situation was better than the last, so I'm always getting closer to the right one. I feel like I'm getting closer. I just need to keep moving forward. 

Sidenote: I had the best burger with macaroni and cheese and bbq potato chips ON THE BURGER and then a lemon gingerbread ice cream cone. Are you jealous? You should be. It was delicious. 

7/3/2015 5:18:25 PM
Here's the thing, I'm an every day person. I have a job, a home, friends, hobbies. I'm listening to an oldies station right now (currently playing "C C Rider," in case you were wondering). I'm fairly goofy. I laugh a lot. I have 80 gajillion brilliant ideas a day. I'm afraid of spiders. I hit snooze as many times as possible. I will crush any opponent at Whack-a-Mole. Seriously. I am in control in most aspects of my life, and I do it well. And I happen to be submissive. It ebbs and flows through who I am and how I interact in certain scenarios, but there's so much more. I believe in conversation. I hope you do, too. 

6/30/2015 8:21:44 AM
Recent Life Lessons:

Don't take everything at face value. It's okay, and even important, to confirm basic information. Not everyone is as forthcoming with honesty. 

I think too much. I analyze. A lot. This isn't news to me; one of the reasons I seek a D/s relationship is the hope of switching my brain off sometimes. I have learned that in measuring my words I deny myself and others my first reactions. As it was pointed out to me, I always have the option of signing out if I don't like the conversation. It's not "giving my life over and getting tied up with a ball gag here." I should let go a bit and see how things go when I'm not the one in control. Definitely sound advice and something I've been thinking about since mentioned. 

6/22/2015 8:11:50 PM
A note on first impressions:

I've received more attention than I expected, which was, well, none. Thank you for the messages. Though I wonder about some of the people behind the words. When you see someone out and about that interests you wherever it is that you live is it common practice to walk up and say, "Hey slut," or ask her if she's owned? I'm not sure why it's acceptable here. Perhaps it's a way for you to quickly identify the type of woman you're looking for? Rest assured, if you are approaching me like that I am not the girl for you. There's nothing in my name or profile that welcomes degradationSubmissive women deserve courtesy and respect, unless that isn't her thing. Perhaps you should find out first. 

If you took offense to anything above feel free to stop reading because you won't like anything else I have to say. Good day to you. 

6/21/2015 8:05:37 PM
Good evening. I've been on here less than an hour and have received a number of messages already. I'm not entirely sure how you found me so quickly, but thank you for the warm welcome. :)

Clearly I'm learning, but I don't see a way to specify what I'm interested in. The short version is I'm looking for a DD/lg dynamic. The long version, well, stay tuned. 

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