Collarspace.com - The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

Horizontal Line
Vertical Line
Hetero Female Switch, 51,  NJ Coast, New Jersey
Horizontal Line

Horizontal Line

Pennies4Thoughts

Pennies4Thoughts - photo 4

Vertical Line

Update Since CS has removed the journal function on here, Im rarely here. Ive moved to another kink site under the same handle, so if you should see me there do reach out.....A journal, a blog, or my personal self therapy sessions...youll find me journaling away on here often. My mind is a busy one and emptying it here has brought me the most lovely friends who find they can relate. And yall reaching out to me lets me know Im not alone in feeling all the sometimes uncomfortable things I feel. Now then I have been vanillaing away and find its not so much kink I miss, but the surprise inherent in a rocky road relationship. I appreciate stability, but not in the bedroom....there I want to never know quite where we will go next so sex is new each time. Huge libido here and a decided preference for a thick cock. I am not looking to play but rather know a partner intimately and develop trust. I am monogamous though on occasion I may share a man if he is bi with another man but I am always present. I do not share my man with another woman. If you are currently in a relationship or poly, pleae go away. Ahem...so...Sex is a must for me, and a lot of it. Im a switch, though in the majority of my relationships I end up the Dominant one. I truly love rope bondage as it is my least indulged kink, but the only one that permits me to just sink into sensation. The most fulfilling relationship to me is with a man who is both loving and protective. I am not slave material or a masochist at all, but I respond well to some impact play if it is balanced with tenderness...the k followed by the kiss or a tongue lapping at my sore bottom. I can push much further when I feel completely supported than if some chucklehead thinks he can just whale at me and fuck me....no thanks... I am extremely fond of binding and blindfolding a man, sensually torturing him til hes begging for the privilege of cumming. I adore watching a man lose control as much as I enjoy him doing the same to me. Its a bit of a game between two strong players who tussle and fight and bite and scratch and suck and kiss and fuck...until the bed linens are left in ruin. And we turn to each other with kickass grins and tuck in til our hearts slow.

Username:

Description:

City:

State:

Height:

Weight:

Age:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Joined:

 Pennies4Thoughts

 Female Switch

 NJ Coast 

 New Jersey

 5' 6"

 178 lbs

 51

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 05/09/14

 

Actively Seeking:

Switch Men

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 Travel

 Loves:

 Fine Dining

 Museums

 Massage (Getting)

 Stockings

 Aromatherapy

 Biology

 Reggae

 Rock Music

 Likes:

 Art Galleries

 Beachcombing

 Fishing

 Bicycling

 Climbing

 Horseback Riding

 Yoga

 Bondage

 Breast Play

 Shibari

 Uniforms

 Card Games

 Alternative Medicine

 Body Art

 Gardening

 Investing

 Blogging

 Chemistry

 Psychology

 Writing

 Diet and Exercise

 Americana

 Blue Grass

 Blues

 Folk Music

 Jazz

 Opera Music

 Seventies Music

 Darts

 Football

 Ice Hockey

 Tolerates:

 Garage Sales

 Renaissance Faires

 Shopping

 Curious About:

 Going to the Opera

 Dislikes:

 Amusement Parks

 Clubbing

 Flea Markets

 Gambling

 Running

 Public Play

 Pottery

 Hates:

 Horror Movies

 Hard Limits:

 Diapers

 Hair Pulling

 Needle Play

 Maid / Butler Service

Horizontal Line

Journal Entries:
1/16/2022 11:29:31 AM

Dipping my toe into the CS journal pool after its four year absence...Brain-->Keyboard-->Kink Site works for me and I've never been entirely sure why.  Is it when my experience resonates?  The occasional thoughtful response?   The good juju/karma/thoughts/prayers sent my way when I'm wading through emotional mud?  Or even more seldom the guy who seems to respond to my words which echo far closer to who I am rather than how I look?  

My pics on here are old.  Sure I could still rock a corset, though I've given up borrowing lovers' uniforms.   Though really fucking in kevlar or the weight of a fully laden duty belt on corseted hips is rather delicious if only in memory.   Tsk, tsk, I mustn't go the uniform route.  Plus I'm a decade older than I played with soldiers and cops who tend to be retired by now.  I much prefer contemporaries age-wise, though I'll float a decade back and fore.   

I remain haunted by a few past lovers, primarily since Guru, my old standby FWB, moved and is no longer able to knock on my door.   There were elements missing from our interaction and he really loved just to plow away at me hard missionary, by far my favorite position, but I like to switch everything up a bit.   We'd had moments of transcendescence when the energy in the room was mind-blowing and the sex as well.  But then you inevitably try to recapture those one-offs and it's impossible.  Such moments happen organically.  But oh, the simple regular stress relief of fucking regularly and being able to go from whispers to out right begging screaming profanities...well, I miss that.  

I'm happy for new digs, completely removed from my old neighbors ten feet on each side waterside cottage.  I miss the water, but not the people and lack of privacy.  I find odd places to live, unusual houses, not because I look for them but perhaps I have a sense of general openness and exploration that leads me off the beaten path.   New for me is my home of a few months, a whitewashed converted poultry barn.  Far from my comfort zone and usual preferences, the rural fringe lost its novelty fast.  Suddently empty nest, new job, new digs, new world...survivable but months of physical and deep emotional struggle.  Feline companions saved me many a time; friends occasionally; and some folks on another kink site often.  

But I'm a vintage balance scale myself, shifting the weight to and fro, always trying to get back to some sort of of stability.  And I manage in time.  Truly though these months despite an intense job I've since left for another, introduced a pervasive sense of loss of purpose.  I've never felt that before.  I image many folks experience the same sense as they age, retire, nests empty...I should've expected it, but the natural processes of growth I've always embraced as a matter of course.  This too I did mentally, but my heart was left bereft.  

Better now.  I rather adore my goat neighbors, so much that when they ambulate, winter shaggy furred through the closest pasture, I toss on a scarf and pop out to "Hello goat" them at the fence.  They pause, occasionally meander over to quietly sniff my hand like a dog, but move on when there's no food to be had.   I don't pet or feed them, simply enjoy their presence and tell them they are beautiful nanny goats.  

It's the time when winter seeps in, Christmas trees dragged to the road and few lights to brighten these long nights.  My college freshmen will return to school and the detritus of shoes, coats, and a frig over filled will dissipate.   I'll settle back in again; take on new challenges.  And maybe, just maybe I'll find a body warm enough and mind engaging enough to invite in.  Into my charming if unconventional new abode, into my much patched heart, and into a body missing that long slow slide of fulfillment.  

-Pen


1/14/2022 8:28:23 PM

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3....


4/21/2018 7:22:08 PM
I lost a post from earlier essentially detailing my lunch this week, one-on-one, with a cohort and friend. Women are comfortable talking relationships, quibbles, past betrayals, all that without fear of another woman castigating her for her "baggage" or "drama." We determine much of the value of our lives in the quality of our relationships over other externals. Her first boyfriend, a stunner, contacted me on a dating site. We wont' date of course but it brough a great deal of her history out. And the choices she's made. Now she's on the kinky side herself. And we've been pretty open there. But learning now what I do of her, I realize there haven't been that many men in her life. In mine...oh, I can't even hazard a guess. Lovers maybe hundreds. Romances...quite a few of those too. Kinky stuff? A few. Love love...less. Betrayals even fewer but those seem to have been the ones that stuck and created damage. And it shouldn't be with so many other just plain enjoyable moments. My friend and I talked of TBH. Where is it? Well it isn't really anywhere and perhaps it never was. Though I was hoping we were drawing close. But I explained the tally of getting together only really 10 times, though most of those were weekends together. Sure 2 1/2 years of intimate talking makes one feel close. And there is is more trust than with anyone else. But he has moved from "I'll make time" when I'd be in town or there'd be an opportunity to get together to "I'll let you know." Well that pretty much does let me know where this is. And it ain't where I want it. I teased a supersub for dating a girl in North Jersey, way too far to go for a date...he shot back with "and this from the girl who dates a guy she calls "Annapolis?" Tbh's other name I give him to my friends. Ha ha ha! He got me. So I'm trying to move on re the TBH stuff. "I don't know" doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a leftover-if-nothing-better-comes-up girl. And I'm NOT that girl. I had a non-date with the professor I never slept with tonight. Yeah, now that's hard to explain. So brilliant mathematician, with books, and patents and all that intellictual shine...You'll remember him from a few years ago as the vegan prof. And I gave up with his dining limitations and finally said let's go vegan. Surprise he brought a bottle of wine though he doesn't drink. That was nice. I took on the role of confidant, wiser older, though I'm only one of those. He does have his charm. And it ended up being a fun night. We split the check. A hug. A kiss. A little regret on his part about how the lady he's dating now doesn't like spanking or being tied up. And I was home by 9:15 pm. He'd be a nice friend. And I don't even know what his cock looks like...I think I'd rather not. Yep, from me! Tomorrow is a date I'm trying hard not to get too excited about. Brunch. My kind of brunch. Funky, fun. Probably with champagne and walking it off on the boardwalk afterwards. Another educator. I like smart men. But this one I think has a rowdy side. There's something so appealing about those of us who can fit the roles we must and leave them behind when we can. I just like the guy's grin, but I'm a sucker for a smile. And banter. Maybe just maybe. And then I can let TBH go the way I should've long ago. I don't think I'll ever be more than an occasional FWB to him and I don't think he even cares about sex. I would like to care again and maybe even have sex with another person...but I'll take brunch to start. Pen

4/18/2018 8:02:24 PM
My children are breaking. One casted; one on crutches. Poor darlings. The hazards of adventurers who push the envelop and climb too many trees. All fixable thank heavens. One of my children's teachers was so astonished to find a child who still climbs trees, though sorry about the crutches. But heads are on straight and undamaged, so we'll just take it easy and heal. I have worked impossibly hard these past days while worried about my children. Fortunately taking care of them is probably what I do best. I'm less concerned about TBH and more concerned about sleep which I'll get to do in a fresh bed with the silk pillowcases. I dream better with my head on silk. It's supposed to be better for your skin and hair. But I still wake every morning looking like I've stuck my finger in a wall socket. I think I must thrash. I can't imagine I'm all that pleasant to sleep with. Though I have my moments.... I am sorry folks, and I'm way behind on emails. Just wait...it'll soon be a pleasure i can indulge in. Sweet dreams. Pen

4/17/2018 7:36:36 AM
I'm still riding the wash of positivity I feel post taxes. Yeah right, who feels that over taxes?? To have done something I feared and dreaded and had an unexpectedly positive outcome, is just a relief. Yesterday was HARD. Not because of taxes but the sheer crowd of people who all needed something from me and needed it fast made it impossible to please several. I finally came clean and said, "hey, sorry, I'm dealing with this, this, and this, including my youngest with a fracture I must sort out...". Or "Hey, I get you're running late, but I MUST leave..." and so I did. I'm kind of proud of yesterday. And although I'm usually content with who I am and what I do, it's not often I can use the word "proud" as it relates to me. Accompanying that is an unapologetic (though I read in "sorry" in the sentence above) approach when folks want something from me. Often I'd tow the line though their way of doing things is different than my own. Even my landlord who texted me two time to see if I'd put the rent check in his mailbox got a "sorry, not yet but shortly" since I'd had him spoiled by paying him early. Now I'm just going to wait til it works better for me though still by the due date. I've been too much of a pleaser when it comes to folks I have business with, now I'm just going to make an effort and stop trying to be more than perfect. I've started making coffee here which is very different for a tea girl. But my children prefer to start the day with a cup and I think I spent $60 in lattes all told on coffee when they were on Spring Break. I'll teach them to make their own. And yes, I do own a coffee maker, if an old but fancy one. They are enjoying themselves to excess with their AM potions. And even I have to admit coffee in the AM does smell good. There's a new oven to replace the one that make my Easter morning popovers into eggy hockey pucks. It's a bit fancy. Now I can work with anything as long as I have an oven thermometer and it stays to temp. Basic chemistry. But now that I know my children fear they will still not know how to cook when they hit college, it's time to teach them what I know. And as a former professional chef, I know quite a bit. Time to revisit those popovers again, with butter and rberry jam like they do at the Popover Tea on Mt. Desert Island. There's an osprey nest in the middle of my town I see on my drive, it's active and full. And the osprey box across the water I see is occupied as well. Swimming deer yesterday. A heron at the end of the yard last night. Magnolias and daffodils blooming. And it's getting greener and greener. I can't wait til the trees pop and the whole world is that new fresh green you feel like you can breathe in. Budget and paperwork ahead. And an attorney to pay. But hell, I could owe taxes too. Time to keep it all manageable which comes from taking it on head on. I used to (still do) call my ex the ostrich. I'll let things go myself and breed stress. But sometimes sticking your head in the hole in the sand just makes it deeper. Snoring cats here, but work to go... Pen

4/16/2018 7:33:33 PM
I really AM single. For the first time in 23 years, I did my taxes solo, on time, and owe nothing. After years of ex's penalty and interest and a tax case that took years, I am at zero. And zero is a whole lot better than digging out a hole of minuses. I feel utterly triumphant. And that is something I haven't felt. A new emotion. I feel capable. I feel triumphant. And I feel like I can deal with what the fuck ever. Today I believe in angels... Pen

4/16/2018 6:36:45 AM
One feels judgemental needing a certain level of expertise or intellect in who one dates. Okay, I do. It seems unfair to find someone who seems kind and of good character, in a world where there seems to be a shortage of such, unsuitable for a relationship. It's not like I need a man with an advanced degree as I've known plenty of blue collar guys who were both intelligent and capable. And certainly I found them extremely appealing. But as supersub reminds me "the heart wants what it wants." And so too does mine apparently though I usually tamp what my heart wants down and try to make sense of what I want from a rational point of view. Some people are just easy to talk to. To me it seems a simple thing of both making the effort to ask questions and put each other at ease. But some men I find have a . "What is your fantasy date?" Ummm...I'm sort of past the fantasy dates where I get a bigger rock for my finger served under a silver dome purporting to be dessert in one of NYC's finest restaurants. Yes, that actually happened. The fancy French restaurant catering a picnic for two in the park. That too. Harry's Bar in Venice for a lunch approaching a million lira. Helicopter rides. Surprises. Coming back to earth, I landed hard. Now I'm happy if he shows up, has decent teeth, and can see his feet. Not quite...but I'm not getting dressed up for a fancy dinner, I prefer to buy my own jewelry, and if I laugh most of the evening, I can be happy with a good hot dog with sauerkraut and pickles and mustard. I don't want to live a movie or a plot of a romance novel. I just want to be real with someone who's really glad they met me and tells me so. And man, it would be good to have some great sex. The advantage of turning that part off is that I get used to it. I don't even masturbate as much unless I really need stress relief and it makes me tired post. When I'm turned on, the problem usually is that I stay ON. For days. It can be pressuring to a man and what should be fun turns into something they feel they have to do. It's almost better that I'm less driven there. I did get compliments this weekend on my physical looks. I do have a pretty face and nicely colored hair and eyes. But such compliments while somewhat reassuring, make me uncomfortable and strike me as false. Like the man who doesn't know me emailing that "good morning beautiful." I'd rather have someone tell me they enjoy how I'm fully present in the moment or they enjoy my spirit. Though if TBH told me I'm beautiful, I'd like it and probably fall off my chair. Parenting is a lot of work. Sometime when I go solo'ing for a weekend and come back, I'm astonished at how much work I do and how little credit I give myself for doing it. Until one day a few weeks ago I kept track of what I did in a day. It was 2 pages long. And I wasn't working that day. The details of making things run as smoothly as they do here are a skill I have. The scheduling. The time management. The interpersonal managment. Hospitality and restauranteur skills. Financial managment. And the endless minutiae while keeping cool and staying ahead of the wave. We LAUGH. Oh we laugh. Last night with my youngest bird with his broken wing, roasted chicken dinner scent filling the house, we sat at the table together and just howled as everyone discussed their weekend activities with me. And I got hugs and affection as they leaned into me back home at last. Stormy, cold and the water's rising outside. But I'm going to continue to take the high ground and maybe, just maybe, I'll get to tuck into to a warm strong male shoulder one day and just sink in and let go. There are robins perched right outside the window in the blooming magnolia tree. They love this rainy weather to pluck worms that come up from their flooded holes for air. I'm fond of picking up the earthworms who make it to the concrete, saving them from puddles and putting them in high ground hidden under a shrub. Do a random act of kindness today or simply smile at someone unexpectedly folks. We all need a little love. Pen

4/15/2018 3:05:04 PM
Two dates. No sex. It's hard for me to connect. And then I start thinking how simply and chill it flows with TBH and how even silence isn't awkward and I'm like Fuck!!! I did just wake up today and text him a "Let's get together the 28th..". We'll see. I was giving Supersub a play-by-play as he did his date to me this weekend. I'm nearly certain the first is married, going through his midlife crisis. But the attention from a decade-younger fairly attractive guy was fun and he did the kiss lean in rather well. But I put the kabosh on it and got him moving. Mulitple calls from his "daughter." Maybe it was; maybe it wasn't. But if you've been divorced 12 years surely you've got dating down by now. He asked to see me again today as I'm apparently "so chill and relaxed." But I knew he really just wanted to kiss and feel me up in his car; boys, seriously, I'm not a teenager anymore. If you can't host in your bedroom in your own house...then go away. Sigh. Plus he did everything cash and continues to message on the dating site, I'm thinking he has much to hide. And I listened to him say he was at the mall with the first call. I just wanted to tell him to grow up. Sigh. And yes, there was a sex party this weekend. Which I nixed. I've lost my taste for it all. I did try to do a solo night out to dinner. But I took a nap with the windows open and magnolia tree blooming and wait too late. Not even a solo spot at the bar to eat. Chipolte's was my friend as I needed steak even if on a salad. With tonight's chill, and my children returned, I'm roasting 2 birds, mashed with gravy and corn (even though corn isn't actually a vegetalbe). Candles lit, fireplace on...and cupcakes waiting for dessert. My youngest son had an accident and fracture this weekend. I wasn't there and I've done my best to remain clinically calm, but I'm looking forward to putting my hands on him myself. My ex wouldn't take him to the ER, but at my insistence and final threat that I'd come get him and take him myself...he did. I was worried about a brain injury, so a simple fracture is a better outcome even though he's hurt. A woman has to know which fights to fight. Today's date was at a local Italian place. A late lunch plate of gnocci was lovely as was the guy. But he works a retail job and has a high school education. Should that matter? Well when I'm working on still another degree, it makes it hard for me to be happy with a nice guy who sees me as a sweet pretty girl. I was that when I was 17. Now I'm more. And I want someone who sees that, and the more and understands and respaspects what I do. But the balance between a smart guy versus a pedantic one can be hard to find. But there are lots of smart men out there who also know how to have fun. I just have an inconvenient focus on one in particular. I list my type as "sapiophile." And I am. But ony if he's an irreverant, funny guy who refuses to take himself too seriously. Be well and stay warm folks. Pen

4/15/2018 3:05:04 PM
Two dates. No sex. It's hard for me to connect. And then I start thinking how simply and chill it flows with TBH and how even silence isn't awkward and I'm like Fuck!!! I did just wake up today and text him a "Let's get together the 28th..". We'll see. I was giving Supersub a play-by-play as he did his date to me this weekend. I'm nearly certain the first is married, going through his midlife crisis. But the attention from a decade-younger fairly attractive guy was fun and he did the kiss lean in rather well. But I put the kabosh on it and got him moving. Mulitple calls from his "daughter." Maybe it was; maybe it wasn't. But if you've been divorced 12 years surely you've got dating down by now. He asked to see me again today as I'm apparently "so chill and relaxed." But I knew he really just wanted to kiss and feel me up in his car; boys, seriously, I'm not a teenager anymore. If you can't host in your bedroom in your own house...then go away. Sigh. Plus he did everything cash and continues to message on the dating site, I'm thinking he has much to hide. And I listened to him say he was at the mall with the first call. I just wanted to tell him to grow up. Sigh. And yes, there was a sex party this weekend. Which I nixed. I've lost my taste for it all. I did try to do a solo night out to dinner. But I took a nap with the windows open and magnolia tree blooming and wait too late. Not even a solo spot at the bar to eat. Chipolte's was my friend as I needed steak even if on a salad. With tonight's chill, and my children returned, I'm roasting 2 birds, mashed with gravy and corn (even though corn isn't actually a vegetalbe). Candles lit, fireplace on...and cupcakes waiting for dessert. My youngest son had an accident and fracture this weekend. I wasn't there and I've done my best to remain clinically calm, but I'm looking forward to putting my hands on him myself. My ex wouldn't take him to the ER, but at my insistence and final threat that I'd come get him and take him myself...he did. I was worried about a brain injury, so a simple fracture is a better outcome even though he's hurt. A woman has to know which fights to fight. Today's date was at a local Italian place. A late lunch plate of gnocci was lovely as was the guy. But he works a retail job and has a high school education. Should that matter? Well when I'm working on still another degree, it makes it hard for me to be happy with a nice guy who sees me as a sweet pretty girl. I was that when I was 17. Now I'm more. And I want someone who sees that, and the more and understands and respaspects what I do. But the balance between a smart guy versus a pedantic one can be hard to find. But there are lots of smart men out there who also know how to have fun. I just have an inconvenient focus on one in particular. I list my type as "sapiophile." And I am. But ony if he's an irreverant, funny guy who refuses to take himself too seriously. Be well and stay warm folks. Pen

4/13/2018 2:56:23 PM
A week of major meetings and deadlines, all of which required full brain power and such intenstive prep/research that most folks wouldn't believe. That's my particular skill, research. IDK why precisely. A combination I think of my need to know, having fallen in love with 2 men who were adulters (it takes some serious research to find that out), and my go-to...read about a problem I'm having to distance and compartmentalize it. My analytical skills came to me late, perhaps the past 7 years. Prior I was an emotional reactive creature first. Actually most of the time. I was good at drama until the day I made my baby boy cry fighting with his dad. From then on I viewed drama as a luxury I couldn't afford to indulge in. Now since I'm STILL (yawn) attempting to online date in an attempt at a real relationship with someone I hope I'll know wants me (instead of having to guess and hope most of the time with TBH)...I see the word "drama" a lot. Usually preceded by a "no." Women hate drama too, guys, but when I see it in a profile I swipe left. Attitude is everything. And actually I wouldn't mind having a rip roaring fight with man I trust and fuck it out...nothing quite so hot as make up sex. Sex these days...well, I'm not really having it as these past months it's been anything but hot. And yes, that means those crazy squirting o's seem to have gone away. The laundry is easier. I don't seem to need sex so much for stress relief in the ways I used to utterly NEED it. And it seems to matter a whole lot more WHO I fuck over getting to fuck. Y'all know who I want in my bed. But I expect there's a local guy out there who is better for me. Just have to find him. In that effort I've two dates this weekend. Neither of which I really want to go on. But like many things I start feeling that way and then end up feeling good I made myself do it in the end. It's just there's an artifice to meeting up with on onliner versus a guy you met in the course of real life. It can unmotivating and unnatural. It starts out a game that you can't always shift to something real. I've opened the windows. My little tiny living room has a great big window that is essentially the front wall of the house. There have been some spring surprises here. The ornamental tree I am apt to find my children perching in, is a deciduous magnolia. It's an older mature variety with those pink blooms and fuzzy buds and it's just truly blossoming today. Gorgeous thing. I can now see the back fence bush is a lilac so I'm feeling more at home and not missing my old overgrown gardens so much. Though the property is still mine and I expect to dig up and move a few things I like in the next weeks. Simple things like the herbs. Though if the house still isn't sold by august/fall, I may pull lily bulbs as lilies were my favorite flower and I planted many in remembrance of my Grandmother. I should change and head out to the local watering spot, but I may just run to the fancy grocery and grill a steak to go with all the healthy salads I picked up today. This girl needs meat. In more ways than one, but I don't plan on getting laid this weekend. I think part of it is that I'm a bit more of a germaphobe. My place needs some work since my week was all about task completion and managing stress. I think the end result was good. And the next 6 or 7 weeks ahead look lovely before June hits me hard. I need this time. But it's always when I have more time I miss not having a partner the most. But I'm not going to let that stop me from making every solo weekend glorious. Pen

4/7/2018 9:00:23 PM
Would I be interested in a younger slave boy? Would I be interested in a sissy maid? No, no, no...I get y'all like the language and protocol of the BDSM'y sect. But babes, I'm here because I wanna break the rules not trade 'em in for a whole new set. Nor do I want to be your slut, your slave, you sub...Nor do I want to be your Domme. Nor do I want you to "train" me. I'm quite well trained and discliplined as it is. I've no need to take on someone else who needs me to take care of them. A partnership of equals is what I seek. Now that means we can switch and enjoy a multitude of pleasures. Or we can choose to fuck missionary after dinner and wine and fall asleep together skin-to-skin. Or we I can take a quicky in the AM with me bent over the bed so I start my workday filled with his cum. Or maybe, just maybe we can tuck in to watch tv with my head on his shoulder and our breaths will syncronize and we'll fall asleep content, without even having fucked at all. My alarm in the morning screams Queen's "I want it all" and that is precisely what I want. Pen

4/6/2018 8:53:57 PM
Funny, this evening a past lover reached out to me. This morning a friend's still spectacularly handsome ex HS boyfriend messaged me. And a few days ago Rockstar told me he's there if I want, though he'd understand if we'd run our course and I have a friend in him. That WAS rather sweet. But then we're the same age and he's a bit of a pothead so VERY chill. Plus if you've worked for real in the music industry, you become very accepting of others. Particularly their sexual foibles. My answers ranged from "no, I'm no longer doing that" to "well at least we know we have one thing in common; we both love my friend;" and finally, a thanks much...just very busy and love his spirit. Though even rockstar with all I have in common with him professionally (he's not JUST a musician)...I don't want to fuck. I think a great part of it is that I don't want to fuck and leave. I want to fuck and tuck in and do pillow talk and have breakfast the next day. The catch? There aren't too many men I want to actually cuddle up and sleep with in bed. And for a girl who found sex like meal times and sleep...a basic human need without fuss...I have no real idea what changed for me. I never wanted anyone in my bed before. Why do I find the notion of such coziness so appealing? I'm wondering if my estrogen levels are sinking and menopause is closer than my physiology is indicating. I can't quite explain it otherwise. I'm finding penises I don't know rather distasteful. And I used to find them all rather fascinating. When I was a young woman I wasn't fond of them at all, finding them akin the red wobbly comb and jowls you see on a Turkey's head. I do admire a fine one, on a man who grooms well. Hairy balls really should be shaved. They are so appealing that way. Makes me want to kiss and suck them. Only...I really want to know what I'm putting in my mouth. Perhaps I've had my fill? Well if so, I can say I've definitely made up for all the orgasms I missed in the first 25 years of my sexual life. The last decade has been stellar. I was a lucky woman. It's been months since I've squirted. So I'm not sure I still can. I'm simply not as driven by sex. I'm driven, yes. But it's by connection and the need to have people I admire around me. Not just anyone. And not just any cock will do. Pen

4/5/2018 6:02:35 PM
Well....the man texted me. Now that was a surprise. My day didn't go by without bringing him into it someway...Lunch with my cohort. Sorting things out. Two of our group have been together through some pretty deep muck for about 7 years. Both are ladies I love and admire. Both women live with a male they don't entirely like, but love or decided it's just too complicated to change. Or both. And both ladies have some serious control issues. Do I? I think I don't really, but of course we all do. Perfection. I call myself a recovered perfectionist. Though okay, my clothes are mostly color coded and my spices alphabatized. But I've been a single parent with 3 children for 14 years, so you let things go. I've worked. I've not worked. I've gone back to school. And I've tried hard to do the right thing and not let my personal goals impact my family. Though of course they have. But it's been helpful, modeling such. And kept me sane. And yes, there've been times I didn't think I was going to make it through. But I did. And I will. WTF is is about TBH that haunts me? I like him. He's not like everyone else though he can fit anywhere. There are times the man says something to me that is snarky but so incisive that my mouth drops and I have no words to say. I like that. I like that he's a smartass who does good things and still wants to make the world a better place. I like that he admits he's completely bored at his job, is impatient with his elderly mom and then feels terrible about it, and that he has regrets about things he did not do. It takes some self knowledge to admit such things. And the ability to put ego aside. That to me is a person who had evolved and might just be capable of continuing to do so. He still pisses me off. But that's mostly because I want. And he's flakey. I think he's trying so very hard to stave off his fear of the genetic risk of dementia with his diet, health, and life choices. I hope he is able to. His is mind to be cherished. Now if someone could just find me some finger handcuffs so I could quit typing the manifesto for the TBH fan club here, please do. I dislike wanting anyone, even knowing the fact that I still can is a good thing. And I don't even want to fuck him the most. I just want to sit across a table and listen to him, watch him grin, and let the damn idiot steal my food. Tonight was children at home. My brain exhausted. Shrimp sale so a shrimp scampi pasta that my boys couldn't stop thanking me for. And salmon for my girl who soon has a birthday ahead. Tomorrow is heavy heavy work. Brain stuff. I am really truly going to need downtime after next week. So yeah, this is how even a relatively rational girl thinks when she's into a guy she is unlikely to have. Pen

4/5/2018 1:56:47 PM
Wow, I feel like all I've done is complain. Sorry darlings. Sometimes those are the words that need to come out. This dating site thing...I'm just not attached to any particular outcome and get the heebie jeebies when a guy I've never met, emailed over 2 or 3 days, takes it personally that I won't talk on the phone or text or follow his rules. Men who get angry over such non events...well then I know we don't suit. And if he keeps sending text after text (after I've wished him well in his search), I just don't get it. Sometimes it is simply that time to go away. Of course I'm a fine one to talk. You think I can leave TBH alone or keep him out of my thoughts? There's no angst there anymore since I decided to do my next jaunt whether he's in or out. And I'll give him a timeframe to yay or nay then invite my friends to share the room in a quaint little hotel I've already booked for a rate I can stomach. Or I'll solo it. But 2 beds and a beach...seems like a good thing to share. I'm quite pleased I just did it and don't have to think about it anymore. No more hours perusing AirBnB or travelocity. June is going to be a BUSY month which means that's when my career will take off...just watch... A good collaboration this morning, though some egos were bruised. I realized I work better with others than most. Inclusive. Funny. I know my stuff. I'm not a great communicator and will sometimes take the path of least resistance if it's easier because I don't care as much nor do I need the control role. I can do it. But it's not my preference because I rule benevolently most of the time in my life and quite frankly, IDK who put me in charge. If someone else wants my job, by all means do take it... I'm even pleased at the day today though the next days must be mostly work and a great deal of it. Brain stuff. But if nothing else, my brain is still pretty great. A little slower to process, but able to simplify intensely complex issues. Or at least present them in an organized manner and lead one to understanding. If only the heart were as manageable. Pen

4/4/2018 8:45:04 PM
I texted the damn man again. So there you have it. My foray onto the new dating site. Several of the men thus far are shallow. Insisting they are perfect and would do please me 24/7. And do give them my number so they can text me pictures of their lives. Do they want a woman? Or an audience? My pic is apparently "mysterious" there. It is a face shot, though from an angle showing my newly colored red hair. The color is beautiful and I took the pic for me, never really intending to share it. But given my new fuck-it-I'm-not-gonna-meet-anyone-if-I'm-not-out-there, but-I-don't-have-much-faith-in-this-Walmart-of-dating...profile...I put the pic up. After endless compliments and a little banter, they want to know if I'm fat. Which pretty much means I delete them right there. I'm curvy for sure, and my waist should be about 3 inches thinner. But 44"X36"X44" still means I have a shape though I'm not gym fit. Now I don't find obesity particularly appealing either, but skinny men and washboard abs are something I have to overlook rather than what I want. I like men with a little bulk to their bodies...the viking over the runner. And yeah, tall is nice. But I've dated mostly men just a few inches taller than I. Do you know the single feature that is seen as less desirable to women on dating sites? Well, short men, you guessed it. I think that's just silly. So perhaps I have my own biases. But when a man chooses "physically fit" in a word bank to describe himself over "kind," "adventurous," or you name the adjective...I pass by. Now I have no problem with a guy not finding me appealing on a dating site. But somehow not falling into the way they want to run the interaction, turns a man into a drama queen. Let's text..."no." I'm not giving out my number unless I think we're suited or going to meet. So they ask again. And I repeat my answer. If I don't fall into line, they tell me they have gotten burned too many times and are going to have to move on. I wish them well as by that time I know they're not for me. But then I get told how wonderful they are and how wrong I am for a few additional emails before I finally block them. Honestly? WTF? I know why people just stop dating period. And I considered it. But as thoroughly happy as my life pretty much is and the course it is taking at present, some weekends are better shared. It's really that damn simple. I'm not getting married again. I'm not living with anyone anytime soon. I just want to expand his world and have him expand mine....and see what comes. And yeah, I'd sure like to fuck. It seems as if everything is a vent lately but this is a rather stressful week with a bit more ahead and some magic to make. Do be well y'all. Pen

4/3/2018 8:43:29 PM
A solo night. I tried to do the usual hot bar at Whole Foods but I couldn't bear kale meatloaf or meatless meatballs. Some nights this girl wants some real meat. In more ways than one. So I headed to one of my fav local places and was an improper lady (or so my Gran would say) and mosey'ed up to the bar. For some reason a dark and stormy someone else made tasted better this particular evening. I was looking at salad and fish but decided WTF and went for a petite prime rib au jus and horseradish, baked potato with all the good stuff, and nice little salad. The dark and stormies were not as big as I pour so I permitted myself two and a lingering hot tea before I headed home. I went a little exhibitionist tonight. Oh not like TBH (yeah, I had to put him in here though I did not text the man tonight) with his bright lights and no shades nakedness. But I did "forget" to put down the blind as I tossed my gorgeous red bag on the table and began to light candles and tucked up to the Hemmingway table to check the new dating website emails. My neighbor is a single male and on occasion it's fun to keep him curious though I've gotten over my initial crush on him when I first moved here. He's not very friendly at all and doesn't spend nearly enough time with his dogs. I get busy but those poor creatures...I'm getting a lot of emails. I wrote a different sort of profile. No darlings, not like here. It was real like me. I said simply that I have a good happy life and I find my adventures solo. But y'all know some weekends are better shared and that, simply, was my reason to be there. I talked about how I'm not an empty nester, so move on if children aren't a pleasure. I talked about how all my children have the same daddy and there's no ex or bf in the background. I asked for a local guy. I said a bunch more stuff about how I don't care about age as long as you are healthy and real. And I wrote what I can give, and that I'll share: A genuinely nice kind person across the table from you who will listen without judgement and try to find common ground. An honest "It was great meeting you, but I don't think we're suited" if that should be the case. I learn from everyone I meet and appreciate your time. If the chemistry is mutual, banter, curiousity, transparency, and time. Also if the chemistry is there, a real, valued, changeable, and fun physical relationship. No games. I will expand your world. And this was the best one: The possibility of eventually being that sweet loving old couple who walks into the restaurant arm-in-arm for our early bird special to the smiles of the other diners who wish they were us. I envision that for myself. I truly do. IDK who he's going to be but eventually one day someone is going to adore me and I'll probably even want to take care of him. But mostly when I take on a guy, I take on responsibility for his happiness and I make it my mission to make him grin since that's also what makes me happy. I also reddened my hair before I went out and ignored the boys at the bar. And you know what? I had a GOOD night. Of course my ego is speaking for part of that as I came home to endless emails on yes, the vanilla dating site. And blessedly, banter with a cop a decade younger than me. I miss that the most...the conversation. The flirt. The challenge. The delicious banter. I've given up uniforms other than to feel the rare occasion of heat ot my face should a particularly fine example catch my eye. The thing about 'em is they so damn good at manipulation and lying as they must in their business. But have it turned on you personally, and it's not great a skill. I speak of cuck of course who I essentially told off tonight, without really intending to. But his shallowness and lack of regard for others...well I can't listen to the man anymore and he kept texting and texting. The one thing I'll give TBH whether he wants me or not, is that he takes time from his home and career to telecommute and care for his 90 + year old parents, a week at a time most months. It's hard. And it takes a toll on him. But giving of self to those who did the same for you is to be admired for just that. I look at cuck, retired, with enough money to more than manage. Buying a bass boat, a tractor, a porshe, a place in FL, yawn, yawn, yawn...and I think OMG who the fuck cares? How can someone be that old and remain clueless? And careless? Oh yeah, I hired someone he says. Well that's great. I simply think we all, and particularly our elderly, deserve to respected and given our time rather than tucked away with someone we pay to do what we don't want to. It's one thing if you have a familiy to care for and children. Quite another to be a grown man with time on his hands to spend weekends or weeks at a time golfing in FL. Makes my skin crawl. But then I spend a few days a month with an 86 yr old I adore who I learn more from every time. Open your eyes folks. And listen. I didn't expect to get on that soapbox. But give credit where it's due. And I commend TBH even if he can't or won't be who I want him to be to me. Some people it's good to see what they do and hopefully model from them how you'd like to live yourself. I admire a little sacrifice for those we love. And fuck the post ended up being about TBH again. So much for that. Pen

4/3/2018 2:45:40 PM
I've failed miserably with no contact. Supersub told me today that whatever it is, I can't get over the guy. He went on to say "The fact is, there's still a chance for something; it's just not on [my] terms." I never set terms outwardly as I'm allergic to ultimatums. One day I'll simply ask if we could manage a weekend a month spend together. But you know how it goes, you end up wanting more...though perhaps he'd be so thoroughly annoying I could simply walk away. In any case, I am attempting to create distance and plan my plans of how to make places I must go into cool adventures. Ha! Supersub suggested I ask TBH to join me MORE so it would average out to monthly. But it seems to me I'm the only one who asks. Not true really...there was that "I'll make a picnic. Meet me at a Delaware beach in an hour." Mind you I'm more than an hour from DE...and likely further from it's beaches on a Sunday. I wish I could live with spontaneity. Talking to a cohort today, we bemoaned our endless educational pursuits. And then I did the same with a PHD advisor who essentially said the same thing about her educational path. We're learning ideals in a flawed system and it's beginning to feel like a waste of time. But still we keep going. We like the collegiality; we like each other. We like that regular meeting time and keeping in touch. But oh, we're so done with education. Optimistic me, I joined another dating site. Snarkly profile. And I mostly don't care if it comes to a meet. Why are folks flakes anymore? I've lost tolerance. I want someone who cares. But I'm certainly not going to meet a soulmate or even a companion without saying "here I am" somewhere. So on I go. Yes, I want an exclusive relationship. But it ain't happening so I'm not waiting for Prince Charming. I'll at least learn something and make some friends. I do wish I was more accepting of lesser sexually. I feel like I'm stagnating there. Toys for now, but fuck....it's not really that hard to have a fun night. Men are funny. Push push push. And the minute I say okay, let's meet, 7 pm, Starbuck's, this evening...flake! I admit I am decisive. I want to make things happen and I don't have much time for bullshit. You want to test the waters? Stick in your foot at least. Don't just watch the water and say "I really wannna..." and then turn back and drive home to watch Colbert. Get fucking wet boys. Like I hope to get. That's all. Pen

4/3/2018 2:28:10 PM
My Easter day post (CS was down): I wish I could get TBH out of my mind entirely, but I suppose I'm a more visual creature than I thought. Knowing his place creates a picture, probably false, of him doing his thing. Somehow it's appealing. IDK if other's form the same ideas of me. There are men interested in me. Intelligent men. Interesting men. But IDK, when some discuss their poor choices in relationshiips, I get it. But then I think in some ways they're needy to get in so quick with women they don't know all that well and end up in a pickle. But then few are as slow as I. Dated my former husband 10 years before I married him. Waited nearly 6 years after that to have children. Then 4 years later, boom, it imploded though it was always fraught I think. I used to think I wanted him more than he wanted me; but then he couldn't bear the attention I used to get and would lecture prim and proper I, that the appearance of impropriety is just as bad as the impropriety itself. Damn holier than thou bastard. I was so good, didn't cheat..though if I knew how, I might've. I'd beg his help when men would make inappropriate passes behind his back, but he never had the balls to either protect or claim me. I'd ask him and give him looks not to leave the room if it meant leaving me alone with a particular man. But he'd leave anyway and I'd play ignorant and move to another side of the room. Those days are largely over. I used to dress in ways that attracted attention. Not suggestively. But certainly the silks I wore suited me well. Long and flowing usually. Classy. But well fitted. And perfect on nearly every occasion. Women didn't like me much, particularly older ones. Now I try to be a plain Jane and no one takes offense. My hair is my only beacon. Well I do have pretty damn good lips and can pull off color there, so expect there's that. But dark wash jeans are for dress, khaki slacks for everyday and even I'm beginning to yawn. And my favored shoes are just plain ugly german felt clogs. But I adore them. I hate being caged, as do my feet. But I think I'd like to dine out properly in a dress with heels again. I've just left most of those restaurants far behind in my casual approach. The meal was wonderful tonight. Spring peas, grilled lamb w garlic & mint, roasted potatoes though I forgot the rosemary. I think the deer ate mine. Candles tonight and we'll roadtip tomorrow to my sister of choice rather than blood. I need to be with a real friend who loves me and knows me. I need someone who I have a bit of history with. I tend to withdraw from folks occasionally as I am with my cohorts who are driving me mad anymore with their frantic overachiever approach to everything. But they haven't the home life I do. Nor the lack of time. And there's another adult in their home. I think it's time I tossed my leopard print shoes. I'm better with subtlety than obviousness though men don't do so well there. Might be time to return to that; it's just that I'm out of patience with bullshit and time wasting. I finished my three months on the conservative paid dating site. I've moved on to a more mainstream one that is unfortunatley unpaid, which means more timewasters and married men. Still I figured best to be out there than tucked in the haven not trying at all. But I broke all the rules with my profile. A little snark. A lot real. We'll see. The problem is I don't really want to date someone new, but I'm hoping I'll get over it. It's time to leave TBH behind. There's a reason he's single. Women, you know, we make you more than you are. Whatever you give us, we make better. Give us a house; we make a home. Give us your cum; we can give a baby. Yeah yeah, I know over simplistic. Give us little pieces of you and we can make it a love story. Minimalists we are not. Tell us your dreams, we want to help you make them come true. Sigh. I wish we could leave well enough alone and just do our own thing and let y'all help us make our dreams come true. Sigh, and I couldn't help myself and texted still again when the man obviously doesn't want to talk to me. Yawn, he's banging on his drums in the basement as he does every night. I expect i'd find it hot if I could watch him since I'm a sucker. But same old make me want to shake the snowglobe and send the specks a'dancing. So see, boys, this is what a woman thinks when she has too much time on her hands. Hell I found a way cool place to stay end of the month and I want him with me, but I won't ask him because I don't want the stress of non-committal. "I'll let you know." "I think so, but let me check." Do any of y'all give a good strong "yes!" Anytime other than when you cum? I miss the "I'll make it work." You know what it is? Enthusiasm. I've got it. I express it. And it doesn't even have to be about a guy. It's usually about an experience. But I'd like it to be about someone else. And I'd sure like him to express some semblance of that about me. Pen Reviewed our texts for the past few days. He never asks me about me. He's not interested. I text 3 or 4 texts for his every one. It's desperate and not good. Time to stop. Just stop. No contact.

4/1/2018 4:14:08 PM
Thinking about TBH. Well not really about him. Sigh...like some of you enjoy perusing craigslist for fun, I love AirBNB. I think of weekends here or there; unique places to take my children to stay that they will remember forever. It could be staying on a boat, in a dockside fish shack, log cabin'ing...still working on a teepee or a treehouse. I have a fascination with treehouses. But I have a solo bday coming up and I like to mark it with an adventure; I thought of MD again, though not his town. And usually I invite him. But omg, it's so stressful with him. He can't seem to give straight answers. I end up feeling he's not really attracted to me. And isn't much interested in talking to me. Then I'll do something and he'll panic in a way and try to arrange a last min meet. IDK perhaps I'm over generalizing based on last week. But there are some regular trips I take, stay in hotels solo, that I included him in...and I'm rarely sure he'll show up. But that may be more me than him. Still if a woman is wanted, she knows it. As much as I like him, it may be time to roll on by this. But IDK I did stay at his house. Without him. See? It's kind of fucked up. We trust each other. And I suppose I should say, hey, what are we doing? But when I look at it ively, the under 10 times we've spent weekends together with occasional meets for a meal...the few years of conversations however intimate...I just don't know. I'd like to converse more. I'd like to spend a weekend a month together minimum, here or there, but I expect if I let it keep on going it'll just keep going this way. And there's the "let's talk" thing, but what is there really to say? I'd like to spend some time with you again? It always feels like I am the initiator though I don't know if that's accurate. Games just bore the fuck out of me. Sexually it's not great. It had the potential to be, but I think maybe he's either a little too old for me or I'm not his physical type. But then I have this idea it can be. We women give you too much benefit of the doubt, boys. He's never been the man who couldn't wait to push me against the wall in a lip lock, cock hard against my belly. At times he has fucked me well but not long, though I know he past issues with such things. His imperfections charm me; mine I expect do not. But I am harder on myself than on others. This last trip turned out well, but he made it unnecessarily stressful. Now I don't really want to tell him what I'm doing so as not to go through a whole host of bullshitty games. But at the same time I want him with me. Heaven knows why. The banter, the snark, the way he had begun to sleep with his arm around me, my pleasure in touching his skin...There are more handsome men. There are more sensitive men. And there are men who express more interest in me by actually asking me out. And I have this guy floating through my head. I learned a bit more of him yesterday in that he had his toddler nephews solo in his bachelor pad. Now that's not a childproof place and I saw him as more exacting than chill. It brought home that for all I seem to want him (or rather the him I think he is), I don't really know him. Nor does he know me. I wanted to get there but IDK how or if to. Pen

3/30/2018 6:01:29 PM
I probably should be having sex more. Any woman, if she really wants to, can find cock. But okay, here's the thing, I don't want just any cock. There was a time when it didn't matter. Sex was like one of those daily things you just do, like taking your vitamins, getting enough sleep, and eating regular meals. Basic. Simple. IDK when it shifted. And it's not that I want to be in love with who I have sex with; I simply want to know and like him. I find the thought of putting cock I don't know in my mouth, quite frankly, icky. So much for the party queen. If it was covered, than sure maybe. At the last party I attended where really no one appealed to me, we talked porn we like. He asked me if I would ever blow a bunch of guys in a row on my knees. No darlings, that holds zero appeal to me. One guy or maybe two guys...fucking all night, bi, straight, whatever...that's hot. I'd suck, fuck, talk dirty, maybe dp, share a cock with another guy...all that...and yeah I'd suck two guys if we were friends. Well more than that. I don't want to play with a friend. I don't really want to "play" at all. I want to get down and dirty. With a man I KNOW, all caps. Really really dirty. I want to call him my fuck toy and take his ass. I want to bind him. I want to blindfold him. I want to make him suckle my breasts til I cum from his mouth. I want him to French kiss my pussy the way he does my mouth. I want him to scream when he cums in me, on me, all over me. I want him to lick his cum from my body and share it with me in a kiss. I want him to grab me by the throat, call me possessive dirty affectionate names with a smile, and thrust his cock hard into me without foreplay. I want him to tie me up and take my ass, slowly carefully, listening to me whimper at his girth. And yeah, as much as I find the exit embarassing, I want him to fill my ass with his cum too. I want to feel the slip of what he fills me with everytime I move. Some days I just want to be possessed. This was a good day. But truly I don't remember the last time I had an orgasm. And the last few times I've had sex I haven't squirted. It makes me wonder if they've gone away and I'm back to the way I was before I turned 40 when o's were little shivery things rather than the messy visceral, every muscle in my body contracting and letting loose, squirting g-spot o's I'd been blessed with for a bit over a decade. I did try to make up for the dearth of o's in my life prior by fucking a LOT over those squirting years. And I've likely had more than my share. I do hope they aren't done. Pen

3/29/2018 4:29:27 PM
Straight to oral satisfaction today. Pinot. Petit basque. Flatbread. After dessert first...the last two dark chocolates, a dark coconut haystack and a dark rice crispie turtle. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I cried all morning til I had a meeting and a class. Ex issues, yes. I'm really not a great woman to date given ex baggage, though generally I don't tell many people about his assholery. Except y'all. At least when the boat stops it's rocking and the seas calm, my go to state is all-in and optimistic. I have a daughter. A brilliant, kind soul. Recognized by all as beautiful inside and out. I adore her and view her with wonder. This week she will turn 15 and truly a mother could not be blessed by more than this glorious girl. She doesn't get it, of course. She attends a highly regarded school that doesn't cost me a dime and she got there on her own efforts. I've never seen anyone more self motivated, competitive but mostly with herself, thoughtful, and collaborative. She rarely asks for anything. Her great pleasure? Chocolate, though milk. The occasional purple cut flower I put in room. And books when she gets the rare opportunity to read for pleasure. And she thanks me for each and every pleasure I send her way, great and small. Well she asked nearly 3 years ago to attend a camp. On the pricey side, for one who has only managed girl scout daycamp in the past. Literary immersion. Yeah right. A dream come true. She did the research. She found the camp. Last year circumstances intervened and she had to reschedule. This is the final year before she ages out. Now it is her father's responsibility to cover those expenses as he said he would. Three months it's taken to get the deposits. (Why am I writing this down? Because I'm pissed off and it needs to get out of my head). So I write a heartfelt plea to him telling him she asks for nothing, works her ass off, please could she have this as a bday present at least? Mind you he told her she was going all along, but didn't make it possible. Finally today he deposits the funds. Nothing of the settlement is working the way it has been supposed to. Little is truly enforceable in a civil matter. And yes, this is important to the women who have experienced the same out there. Even though others may be gritting your teeth at my avarice. Keeping it real. Even the nitty gritty bullshit of it. The camp is full. She's out. I gave up on my ex yesterday and told her I'd find a way. She's going somehow. And I can't make good on my promise. She's working now; finishing an enormous project. I've splurged on artic char tonight, her favorite. I've put a few purple roses in her room. And there are little vanilla/caramel and choc/marshmallow egg petite fours. I don't want to tell her but I must. Well she is #1 on the waiting list. And I did manage to pursuade the guilty divorced dad in the situation to toss her another bone. Still...damn...I need to cut him out of the making things happen part of their lives. I will get there. But it kills me to disappoint. Particularly a child. Particularly this child. Half a bottle of Pinot down. A tough day. I did spend 4 hours searching for a near equivalent. My cohorts are abandoning me, but it's more like I am not following their course anymore. It's time to break from their follow the crowd mentality and head my own way. I love them. But they are over achievers, unhappy in their lives with little idea of what it takes to run mine. I encourage them. I adore them. But they also annoy the fuck out of me with how they take the lead, do all the work and ask no one else for their participation. Most would love that. But I prefer true collaboration. Hell, I'm switchy afterall. We should all have our chance to lead. And their writing sucks. But they never let me do my thing. And I don't care enough to fight. I did mention they might want to involve the other 3 members of our 5 member team in what they are doing. Inefficient leadership and they'll hate the rest of us for not doing our part but they won't let anyone mess with their vision. I prefer men to women. Too many of us want to control everyone; I don't want to control ANYONE except perhaps short term in my bed if I really, really like you. Mind you all, I'm well on my way to tipsy, truly exhausted, a bit brain drained, and emotionally out of tears. Empty in a way and I'm filling back up with vino rojo. Not a bad choice. But I pretty much tried to do the Lent thing and not do red wine (also because I was being economical). I'm not catholic at all. And likely wouldn't make a good one as I caved tonight (fog and red wine is just the perfect combo) and I don't feel much guilt. It's funny. We are completely non-sectarian though christain culturally in our celebration of the holidays in a gathering together secular sense. Yet we say grace every evening at dinner. Yeah, what's with that? I believe very strongly in being thankful for what you do have and I know what it is to live with less love, less quality food, and in a far less idyllic town. These children of mine are protected, even with their dad I view as particularly skilled in assholery. Tomorrow I take my crew on a daytrip as my roadtrip did me good and they have been in one place too long. New environs, peking duck, a little history, much discussion, and home at the day's end...it's time we had a little more fun. Fuck same old...same ole... Darlings, send me hugs...please... Pen

3/28/2018 7:34:25 AM
I began this journal entry yesterday then couldn't figure out what happened to it. Apparently I sent it as an email to a man who newly reached out to me and was more than gracious at such a reply. I am plagued by sending the wrong text far too frequently. Best this girl slows down. It's not finished, but the words I want to keep. If I don't write things down the thoughts evaporate and I learn from this stuff as well as on occassion titilate you...that too I enjoy.. I met up with supersub today; he's a lovely friend both inside and out. Very handsome, on the high maintenance side, intelligent, professional, and an all around good person. He reminded me of a leather hood he showed me once that somehow I'd forgotten. I would never cover a man's face as to me it's all about watching expression and I want to hear every g, groan and word coming from his sweet mouth. I suppose that's why I'd forgotten such deeply kinky attire. Impressive indeed. We laughed at how both our rather fine collections sit in the back of our closets and rarely have gotten much use. You think you will, but getting to there requires some real time spent together I think. So one night you might pull out this or that. Or other nights you might just converse and fuck. Or hell, converse, fuck and peg him... I don't have a relationship like that. And I end up appreciating the company I do have as the people they are more than the sexual s they would at one time have been for me. Now don't get me wrong; I wouldn't mind some seriously hot sex post getting together but timing matters in a life like mine. I wonder if I can forge the connection I seek with one night a week and alternate weekends to share? Sure I could have someone here when the children are, but that would take a level of connection first that I don't know if my schedule will permit to happen. Though then I think there must be others like me who need their own space or have commitments themselves who might seek what I have to give. TBH...sigh...I do want that man. But that's a story yet to be determined. Talking to my ex, quite civil despite his lack of adherence to the settlement. He'll be driving up to spend most of Easter with the woman he began dating maybe 6 months ago and her daughter. I just don't understand how you get there so quickly. But then I'm way too protective and have much to learn. I think I'm a little stunted when it comes to relationships. I'm really good at non-starts. I did date my ex 10 years before I married him and I still didn't get that right. IDK. As much as I want more, I wonder if I just suck at this stuff. I'm not really all that tactful. I misunderstand lots. And I'm far too literal. Still I decided to bend the rules a little myself with the settlement stuff in the effort of preserving my economic health. There's no real enforcement of civil matter, so holding to the rules doesn't seem to matter. But I'm a natural at rules and I get so pissed off when others don't follow them from etiquette to traffic laws to agreements made. I've a trigger there. And at the same time I hate rules! I just sometimes want life to be easier and more understandable. Truly half the time I have no idea what I'm doing though others seems to think I do. TBH at lunch, talked of my Dominance over men. I have never seen myself as such. Now if someone else doesn't step into the role, I will fill any gap necessary. And that's generally how I end up there or through trying please my partner. It really is a submissive please people approach to dominance. Work in progress....

3/27/2018 4:07:28 AM
Last night as I tucked in and starting thinking of all I want to give my children (experiences and adventures), I began to perseverate. A big psychobabble word. It's that circular reasoning pattern some of us are prone to do when we worry about the same thing over and over again and tie ourselves into the knots that aren't the good ones. There was a time horniness could do the same to me. I have a hard time with the feeling of wanting without having, whether it's sex or a particular man or the desire to head for the open road...or all I want to show and share with my family that I'm not sure I can make happen. I lit a long unused candle bedside. Turned off the lights. Tucked into bed. And thought about TBH and how he lives because now I can visualize him there at the house. His pescatorian dinners, oh so healthy. Doing his nightly drumming in his music room with those gorgeous Strativarius of drums he has. And I know exactly how it feels to tuck into that very comfortable bed. There's something to being able to visualize someone like me who likes his life generally, does what he must, lives with his choices, understands loneliness intimately, and tries to make the world a better place in the ways he can impact. And I know in the communications I get here there are more of us. Sometimes all we need is to know we are not alone. Pen

3/26/2018 8:17:41 PM
The BEST conversation today with my girl after her music lesson. We'd gone to pick up tacos since I'm not quite back into real mom who cooks mode yet. A moment in the car when we were chatting about her upcoming birthday. Now I've gotten her very expensive tickets to an event in July but she should have something to open on her day. I asked her if she had any ideas or wanted anything in particular. She said "you know...I prefer experiences over things." OMG...it seems the lesson took. And so an experience I will give her. It took me ages longer to learn to appreciate the same. Pen

3/26/2018 11:15:04 AM
I'm surprised quite often what comes out when I let the words flow and let them sit for awhile before reviewing. Editing is a natural urge for me, but I fight it here. What I think and feel is real and raw and changeable. I think women are sometimes brushed off for our changeablility. But it makes us more exciting and interesting and very very real. Though it's a struggle to stay real and not fit molds of what is proper. It is for me as somewhere buried in the woman of a certain age who is coming to care less for what others think is that very proper young woman and wife I was for longer than I've been this me. It's unfamilar this life I'm building now. It's certainly not boring. But sometime I feel as if I don't quite know how I got here. But I like it here. Pen

3/26/2018 8:43:10 AM
My weekend. Now here's the odd thing. I spent it at TBH's home for the first time without TBH. There's an event in his town I adore replete with all the oysters you can eat, a small fire on the beach, live music dockside, and this year serene electric boatrides. Completely chill. It sells out so it can only get so crowded before they close it to more people. Not too big, not too small...it's just right...like baby bear's bed. Did I feel awkward solo'ing it? In line maybe. But once in, nope. Plenty of room for a single to fill an extra space on the boat or slide in to the crowd on the dock to eat oysters and drink a stormy from the rail. No one to keep track of. Plenty of folks to talk to or people watch. Toothless baby grins. Great little live band. Make jokes with the guy in the kilt or the folks wearing the sports team shirts from my hometown. It's the best of Americana, as long as you're not squeamish about eating oysta's. Buttery lobster roll went down pretty smooth too. S...I had two because no body's watching and I didn't have to share even a piece of lobster meat with anyone else. I'm smart enough to know I was in no condition to drive and left a little early for a very long meandering walk into town, over the bridge, watching the kids of the sailing school sail in. I promised myself some good green oolong tea. You'd think darjeeling is the champagne of teas, but nope. I know tea and am a purist. Flavored teas I only ice. I want pure leaf, whole leaf, no additives. But it's a luxury. A quarter pound of oolong you can reinfuse up to 4 times a pot goes a long way. I found two varieties as I did last time I was in town at two shops and stocked up. I couldn't wait and last night started journaling to a pot of the good stuff but lost the post. Dining out Saturday night solo was really the only truly awkward time. I tried to beat the dinner hour but I crave this place's guac and tapas from two states away, probably my fav meal bar none. At first my host said he had no tables. I shrugged and smiled with a "I had to try; I miss your guac...". He told me to hold on a minute and settled me into a table, holding my chair and helping me off with my jacket. Latin men...sigh...And so feasted on said guac, some sauteed veges including my fav hearts of palm, and a couple of tiny spicy lamb chops. Out in an hour and except for a wrong turn, back in TBH's pad with a cup of tea. It's a cool place. Not unlike mine in that it has some character and serenity and very little was bought from a new furniture store. Ecletic but mid century modern vibe, definitely a hipster/Mad Men groove. He had these restored German tube radios, stunning, that I listened to as his house is, like here, too quiet for me. And the studio space downstairs...I played on his fancy drums...gently. I've never seen him play. I thought I'd done all I wanted to with him and then I find something else. I can't tell you if this is a friendship or a romance, though we've fucked. I feel closer as friends, though of course on several levels I want him. But I'm a cautious sort. And we'll see. I am so so happy to finally verifiably KNOW the man is not married. I didn't get fooled again (at least not on that account). I was growing concerned because the last man I was deeply involved with turned out to be married and it took me 9 months to figure it out. I don't know if having put another woman in the role I'd been placed in was the worst part or feeling so damn stupid. The problem then was that I was in so deep I couldn't walk away and spent nearly 4 years total in a relationship with a man I felt was my soulmate but who I didn't really like. I would find out about all the women he was talking too while supposedly my guy, leaving his wife (younger and the 2nd one). I had lunch with one of the other women he fucked. And then one Christmas there was an STD scare that fortunately turned out to be just that, a scare. In many ways that man who claimed he loved me treated me worse than the husband I had who may have never loved me. Whoa...deep stuff today. My point is that cheating is a flashpoint with me. I've been the wife who found out about the affair with his secretary, installed as a mistress a few houses away. I've survived my marriage imploding at the time, with a 5 month old, 2 yr old, and 4 yr old. And I still told the man to leave. I'm prouder than I am smart initially. But the next day I moved all the money out of our joint accounts for safekeeping and was in an attorney's office with a box of tissues and my baby. There was no simple solution and I' spent over a decade recovering from that and rebuilding the team I thought I had into a team I do have. But a lot of things had to come together to get to now. I'm not just a woman who doesn't trust men. I start off cautiously optimistic. I am a pollyanna. I always want to believe the best of people. But I have a pretty accurate bullshit meter these days. And an analytical mind. The single greatest thing I've learned is to listen to my own instincts when before all I did was doubt my own perceptions. So it didn't make sense for him to be married. But I hadn't been to his place, so that quiet voice in my head would clamor in weaker moments. I am so happy this guy is not married and I can put at least that doubt to rest. It is such a load off my shoulders that I feel lighter. I think he trusts me more than I trusted him, but he does know I'll give him transparency even if it's something he doesn't want to hear. I just don't like when I hurt him. OMG, I'm so glad he's not married. So that is that. We met, TBH and I, partway, he coming from the East and I from the West. I found a place on the water for lunch. I wasn't going to. He had said he might show up Saturday evening as he had an event he had set up and might drive down late to crawl into bed with me. I was afraid I'd sock him if he did disturb my sleep that way, so I woke up here and there a bit restless. I knew if I did meet him on my return trip I'd be late getting back to ex and family. But then I figured hell, fuck it. They appreciate me more when I'm not here. I asked the ex to pick up dinner for the children and showed up two hours late with groceries for Monday's lunches. I spent some quality time with each child. And it's true; they were kind and more appreciative. Even my youngest beast left me a thank you note. And TBH? He was a little dishelved, but I prefer him that way. Great grin. Waterside table watching the ducks dive and talking of his place, exhibitionism, retirement notions, people, music, loons, modern furniture, craigslist...and when he said next time I come he'll be there, I replied "oh, that's going to be so odd with you THERE." He laughed uproariously. I left him presents, including the envelope of pop rocks he was going to get a pop rock bj with...hey, you snooze you lose. He said he'd save them. Then that he'd probably figure out a way to masturbate with them to my reply of "that's what I figured." His reply? "Shut up." Ha! I like our banter. Sure conversation is foreplay even without the o. I'm glad I did it. There were moments when I was just 10 minutes from his house when I wanted to turn around. One foot in front of the other...And coming home feels really really good. Pen

3/23/2018 7:29:05 PM
Welllll....I'm tucked in at TBH's bachelor pad. And quite a pad it is. Very serene. Mid century modern which has never been my think in th past. BUT...There's art and simplicity and something about the wood that seems more alive than other furniture. IDK I think I interact with it differently. It's been a long time since I've been immersed in design. I lived in a world of creative madness, economic feast or famine. My ex is rather emminent in his industry and design is what he lives. I did too for a very long time until I began to hate the work as if it were my enemy. But there are times I crave art as it feeds my soul. I think the visual element occupies my brain in ways that allow it to rest, much like I'll shop without buying things at a place like Home Goods when I'm blue as the visual overstimulus balances me. This is cool in a MOMA sense. But I get to touch stuff. I like that. I find it fascinating that TBH walks around nude mostly at home and there are very few window treatments. Must be an interesting show some evenings. I was a bit nervous coming here. Solo. Talking with a friend the other day, I mentioned how intimidated I often am. She replied "you could fool me." I'm finding some continuting ed we are doing together a bit more than I bargained for, I skipped the usual sequence and started more advanced. I think pretty much everyone else in the room knows more than I do. Like always I just do it. As I did this evening, hoping it would work and with a backup idea if necessary. Not necessary. This is lovely. I do live outside of my comfort zone. I don't know it this makes sense. But I'm comfortable with the idea that I will still be intimidated. I've become accustomed to my own discomfort. Odd. But it's by stepping outside of that zone (and at times admitting it) that I'm hear. I grin and play loud music when I drive, drive, drive...Tonight I was fortunate enough to watch the sun set as I crossed the Bay Bridge. Glorious. And my grip wasn't white knuckled like it was the first time. As much as I gripe here, I really am a pretty chill person. This place is is even more so; And I admit a house where there are books here and there is a place I appreciate. I brought work and maybe I'll do some, but I like just breathing it in. It's very different. And I see such things. Funny thing is I'm glad I got to experience it solo first. Looking forward to morning. It's a funny thing, TBH and I...But this being here is a gift. Pen

3/22/2018 10:33:55 AM
I am by nature a pessimist. But I've tried very hard to reverse such tendencies. Hence trying to manage expectations as, more often than not, it results in disappointment. Now I'm accustomed to folks who dipoint in my own extended family and the ex's. Relationship-wise, well, who doesn't experience ups and downs there? But some folks level of assholery is beyond comprehension even given the sh#& I have seen. I've mentioned the man who was seeking an apartment in NJ so we could be together at the same time he was selling his house in CT and moving to NC with another woman? That, in many ways, exceeded decades of my former husband's irresponsibility. But then my ex is able to seem innocent of intent as passive aggressives do. "I would if I could...". "It's not intentional." "I forgot." I'm not the only one who has been there. Now I was the most patient of women. Too much so. Now, nada. Now I'm a "let's do it" sort of girl. And yes, "I want it NOW" like that awful child in the original Willy Wonka movie. I am a grown up but time is that one resource as I age that I do not want to waste missing even a moment of joy. A friend here gave me his assessment of TBH and why he felt the man was not right for me all along. Now this post is not solely about TBH as he has behaved unexpectedly well when I expected him to choke again. But I think some of my attitudes toward him and others are related and the words go where they will. My co-collarspace friend wrote: TBH always seemed about himself first and rarely thoughtful of me or extending himself beyond arms length. There's I'd have to agree with a few instances where he did extend himself and created some remarkable moments. I've probably led more. And arms length resonates. My friend went on to say that "he seems very much older than you in spirit not just age wise. You're open to new adventures and new things; he seems set in his ways. You seem to be 50 going on 37, he seems to be 63 going on 64." Now that's very flattering to me and I can't say it didn't make me grin. Age though is a confusing thing. I've seen those who are 38 and seem 60. And I, well, this is just my normal for me at 52. Men though I think have it tough. They plod on no matter what most times without anyone expressing appreciation for what they do. And if you are solo and live alone, well, who is going to say thank you? Who will notice their efforts? Because male or female alike, we all bask in the glow of acknowledgement for our efforts. He also thought it was not a good idea to have sex with him so quickly. And though that is in general a very good approach, I'm impatient. And we had flirted for too long with our words and calls. I'm just as bad with dark chocolate. I won't eat it all at a sitting. But...I need to taste. And so it was with TBH. But my desires ruled me for so long. That and my need to escape. I need less to escape now but more to connect. So I expect that accounts for my recent distaste of sex with someone I don't know very well. But then I appreciate conversation and manners and acknowledgement of who I am rather than just being a collection of holes to fuck. No thank you. I spoke with TBH after meeting a deadline today that had my process stressing me out. I have a lengthy process to synthesize and pull information together in a new way. To identify what works and what doesn't and how to address the gaps. The end product is usually different than what others paraphrase back and there are a few words that the reader might need to look up and ask me what source I used. Um..that would be me...see the plagiarization count of 2%...it's my work. The errors I make a stupid stylist ones; I need my own editor. But I like saying, okay, we've got this and this and this...but it raises the question of ...?I like to make folks think. And hell, I can't help but think. We did good today. Dug out. It's beautiful. A few broken branches from the snow. And as we shoveled the tree's started to let loose the snow covering them. Much to laugh about as my hatted head got dumped on again and again and I'd blame a kiddo. They dug out the elderly woman next door. I consider it all a good start to the day. And some of my children remain home with a snow day. That is the part I LOVE particularly as my deadline is met. TBH called to give me instructions and to tell me he told his neighbors I am coming so they won't call the police. Pessimist me expected him to rescind the invite. But then I'll tell you a secret...most of the time I don't expect him to show up...and then most of the time he does. I fight expecting the worst all the time. I've read the law of attraction of course with a grain of salt, but I'll try anything to think positive and be positive. I always have something to work on or words to get down so taking a jaunt anywhere is usually with ipad in my bag and I am never bored. That is a word that fills me with dread. "Bored." I get an email that "I was bored, so I thought I'd email you.." and that goes in the bin immediately. I am never bored. There are times when I'm lonely. Times when I'm blue. And times when I feel overwhelmed and that everyone else in the room is smarter than I am. But there's a blessing in never being bored. So tomorrow I head off on an adventure. To most it wouldn't seem like an adventure like climbing Kilamanjaro or white water rafting or sky diving is. But to me adventure awaits if I just go find it. And so I will. I need this. Pen

3/20/2018 7:55:41 PM
A solo night accompanied by the sound of sleet/hail. I didn't feel dread or lonely or any of those pangs I usually get. Tomorrow will be a snow day times all my children. I love snow days as do they. Mind you I'll have to work from here but I work better in a busy house than a quiet one. My Hemmingway table where I write most is set up smack dab in the middle of the busiest thoroughfare in the house but that works for me. I think I like to appear smart and important typing away as if what I have to say were crucial to anyone but myself. I spent two nights sleeping well with a muscle relaxant as I fucked up my right upper trap, but I'm finding the sleepy hangover of the next day counter productive. Tonight will be just me. No meds, no alcohol (though of course I don't take ANY meds if I've had a drink). Oddly as I headed to the local fancy grocery store this evening, hoping for something prepared and craving some meat, my eldest son waved from my old Jeep the ex kept as a second car. Inside I found my youngest son who wants nothing more than to be with his dad who has no budget and only says yes, and shop. The ex's comment, "what are you doing here; I didn't think you could afford to shop here." Yeah...and I married the ass. I just grinned and showed my son a few more pricey items to add to daddy's basket and moved on. I am finding myself easing a bit in the worry dept. It takes a proactive and dramatic approach to keep the flow of resources up. And I thought I was done with such things from the past. But I can play a role if it means I can provide more for my children and be less of a furrowed brow naysayer. I am also easing in what I want. I am going to take a break from dating the way I have in the past and focus on friendships. I find the notion of a stranger's parts touching mine turn me off. At the last party I attended I tried to remain nice in my no's. Guys generally want their cock's sucked more than anything else. Now there've been cocks that all I wanted was to taste and practice incessantly until I could take them throat deep. And some men have exquisite cocks. But ugh...if I don't know you, like you, want you, feel something for you...keep it in your pants. I received a message with the codicil, "Married but very available." Seriously? Go the fuck away. If you aren't brave enough to leave an unhappy situation then you sure aren't courageous enough for me. I like people, men and women, who have made hard choices and come through the other side. Yes, like me. I like grit. Determination. Will. And the ability to laugh it all off. Pen

3/19/2018 5:43:12 PM
I really can be a bit of a beyotch sometimes. I parent others in a sense. I believe in consequences for actions and that we learn from them. So when someone like my ex fucks up big, I create consequences or enforce them when possible. The goal of course, as with children, is to discourage a repeat of the dysfunctional behavior. I try not to do such in relationships, but I do. Not entirely consciously. But if someone is respectful and attentive and kind, I am impressed and of course do the same. But I try to be all three all the time to everyone. But treat me with what I perceive as disrespect, and ouch! I really react. I try not to. But my claws come out. Hence a 24 hour rule. I did use that this weekend though this post is not about my interaction with TBH but rather my ex. I really thought ex would mean I wouldn't have to have much of the conversations I still must with him. IDK if I would date me. "Baggage" seems to apply in terms of an ex still around sort of. Even though it's to pick up the kiddos. But if he just did what he contracted to do the baggage that is him would be gone. I don't want to act as his collection agent or moral voice. I want to never talk to him again. But here I am. Some men call kids "baggage." Whenever I see a guy who says "no baggage" in his ads I go right by. OR no drama. As if there's an assumption there will be. I generally begin and remain expecting it to be good and fun for us both. That we'll talk to each other, make each other smile, and find time to share. That when mutual baggage intervenes...from caring for children to aging parents, to work stressors, to whatever...you are a friend free of judgement and supportive above all. I don't really get why some treat romantic interests so different than they would a friend. I don't. Well except there are extra things we do...like maybe rope and fucking and dirty talk. But at core you just LIKE and respect this person. But the thing I often don't get is that there's often a gap. You adore this person but you don't always communicate you want to spend time with them. I think many of us are planning adverse. But really this I don't quite get. Lives are busy yes. But anyone who is busy knows if you want it you make time. Pen

3/19/2018 3:43:23 PM
Watching a couple on a first "meet" at Dunkin. Not a place I'd choose for any degree of private conversation. She's grinning and talking a mile a minute...makeup perfect..a little too much eye contact as I havent seen her look away from him once. Him. Well he shaved and his hoodie looks clean. But he is shifting in his seat, leaning like he's ready to get out of the booth. And now he's talking flea markets...I hate flea markets. Equally so Walmart. Call me a snob but I prefer less quantity of quality goods and I cannot bear the way Walmart smells. There's a chemical almost plastic odor of cheap clothing and whatever they spray on them. And I'd rather they gave their employees benes over hiring greeters at the door. I wonder if I look the same way when I meet someone. Though usually I do my own thing. Get a drink, talk to a woman my age at the bar, greet him when he shows up and let him get his own drink or buy him one myself. I do spend time grooming. My uniform is dark wash jeans, motorcycle boots, and whatever shirt feels good that night. I can't remember the last time I wore a dress and heels. But then there's a casual vibe here. But casual to some doesnt really equal what is casual to me. But then I dont want to feel under or over dressed anywhere. I rarely wear anything athetic out unless its to the gym. Or to drop a child at school as long as I am not getting out of the car. But then I'm a prude. Really I like rules. I appreciate etiquette. I had a man text me about a friend of his who complains all women are messed up and he puts in only minimal effort to try to get laid. The guy texting me assured me, not him, he knows how to treat a woman properly. But here's the thing. He sounds like courtesy and respect is rather like putting on dress clothes or what we used to call "company manners.". To me, courtesy and respect is innate and applies all the time to all people. Otherwise it's artifice to seal the deal. Though it is really really fun to break protocol with people you know who know your intent and heart. My man holding my chair and leaning down to whisper how much he wants to be inside of me before we dine out is simply a glorious thing. The Dunkin couple...of course he had to say he's Irish as everyone is here. Now they're fascinated by the tv weather as the weekly nor'easter is bound to hit tomorrow. He's not so attractive. She's prettier but approaching the age of invisibility like me. Pretty, blonde, thicker and she's thinking, okay well he's a guys guy...that can be fun. Why isn't he leading? Why am I the one keeping this conversation going? And her eyes are beginning to glaze over....I should write more than date. And I'm headed that way as the dance of it feels stifling anymore. If only I could go lesbian...but I dream of cock. The good thing of being by oneself is you can do whatever you want to do. Ice cream for dinner. Samosas at midnight. Nap midday. Write incessantly. Work your way through seasons of Borgia. Watch the Christmas bad moms movie in spring. Anything. there's something to be said for freedom even if accompanied by pangs of loneliness. Pen

3/18/2018 8:46:06 PM
I'm grateful the worst of the emotion has dissipated. I was called on this evening by someone far more intelligent than I to edit, my particular skill. Reduce writing by half. Tighten prose. I didn't think it could be done; but it was. Brunch today. He thought of it as a date. I moved to brunch instead of dinner to keep on a friends basis rather than romantic. The track pants guy went shopping. I do so appreciate a man who makes an effort. New shoes, khakis and shirt. He cleaned up very well. And every man should have proper attire. I do like the guy and we can talk forever. He embraces the new and is kind and real. I bought today too. When I don't let a guy pay for an outing it's my signal that this is friendly, just like the girls and I do. We take turns. I know, I know...y'all think we're after your money and selfish. We aren't you know. But fiscal security on both our parts, particularly at this age, can be a deal breaker. I suppose at present my financial health could make me less appealing there. But that's changing. Much networking this weekend. But I am grateful for a day out and an afternoon in Asbury Park. TBH...I accepted his offer and will stay at his place without him. Which was a possibility we discussed a week ago so I'm not sure quite what was going on with him. My small adventures do not need to be with someone else, particularly since there's always some form of research or work for me to do that I do better on the road. Is it better with a companion? Depends on the companion. But there will be plenty of us women of a certain age and we are kind to each other. I jumped through quite a lot more hoops than most can imagine to arrange another solo weekend in a row, unheard of with my schedule. This is what I need. I think sexually I may be locked up. I think I had sex once in February and once in March. Neither time did I squirt, nor did I have a proper orgasm. I get horny. But dating...ugh...I think it's time I stopped. Focus on other things. The weather will cooperate soon. I can begin paddling in the pond. I can bike with the sun on my face. I'll take more classes. And I'll begin to do what I'm meant to do. And get paid seriously well for it. I'm just not quite ready to settle yet. There are things I am passionate about and I don't want anything to kill that. It's the best part of me I think. Others may find me too impatient to DO things. To want. To SEEK. But I recognize time my fitness level and ability to perform what I currently can mentally as changeable. Now is now. And I'm not waiting for anyone. How many 50 plus year olds are all in? Well there's me. Now to find someone else who shares that attitude. I was feeling lacking in support a bit. But I do have family I chose rather than whose blood I share. In a few weeks my children and will return to the the sister I chose who has love my children since they were we babes and she took care of them. My own sister can't even return a text. I just won't be the only one who makes the effort anymore. I thought of changing my number to let others fall by the wayside who don't stay in touch. Since I moved too. But I'm not quite there yet. I get like that periodically. I purge people whose names make me shake my head at what happened to them. And certainly I leave plenty of folks behind if they become toxic. If only that could occur with the ex. I'm trying to find a way to do that in my head. Tonight I'll take that muscle relaxant I wouldn't with last nights Irish coffee. Remember the same darlings about cold medicine. Alcohol and other things that make you sleepy are a recipe to stop your heart. I discovered Friday my ex had let the health insurance lapse. Now mind you this was at the pharmacy where I went to pick up my son's monthly medication. It's happened before. Though it shouldn't at all. When one man doesn't do what he says he'll do. Then another man flakes on me. And others want more than they give...add it all up and it gets to me. It's utterly crazy making. And I refuse to go there anymore. I'll cry for a day or more. And I'll rant through my keyboard. Heavens, the muscle relaxant works fast. Still pain but it's early. I think I will actually sleep tonight. Be well Pen

3/17/2018 7:03:24 PM
Yes, I'm in a fuck you mood. I'll stay away from those who piss me off until I cool down. I have this coping mechanism about negative energy. Extreme emotion that burns. Or anger at injustice. Or hell, feeling like a damn idiot. But you know, I'm trying to not tread water in one place. I'm trying to move forward and develop my social support systems. And I'm trying to not let my bruised and patched up heart stop trying for more than just me in a haven caring for me and mine. Now that's a lot right there. But I see my teens who don't date, who have no desire for a relationship themselves. Maybe their father's incredible drama got to them with his former gf whom the children called Voldemort. But so too have I had relationships that fit into the time I had outside of them. So they've never really seen one that worked. Or why to pursue one. Though I expect at some point hormones will drive them more in that direction. But they have had no model in how to go about such a thing. So for them and for me I want connection. To have others meet and share time. For them to see shades of affection, kindnesses, and love. And the elements of an abiding friendship. Channeling negative energy. I use it for good. Got my ass out of here and out of wallowing. I did get lost trying to find a yacht club I was to meet a friend at, but roads closed and bridges out defeated me. I called though. I do that. Follow through. Do what I can to keep my word even when I'm overwhelmed and it's really really tough to do. And if the unforeseen happens, well, then I call and talk and create a new opportunity to meet. I eventually ended up at a Starbucks but didn't eat most of the day. Feeding emotion makes it hotter. I was trying to starve it into submission. Paid a handsome male for a deep tissue massage (that's all it was folks). I think that might be the better venue for me with males at present. Keep it all business. Though I have brunch tomorrow with a kind soul who gets my struggles more than most. My cohorts reached out. Actually I reached out which is mostly unheard of. But they responded with support as we always do for each other. They know but forget that my family consists of myself and my family. There's isn't Gran's kitchen to retreat to when the world gets rough; she'd make me a cuppa tea and I'd fill her cup of Sanka to the brim. Then we'd play Rum until my mind cleared. And she's be on my team. I still remember her wanting my ex to show up at her door so she, 80 at the time, could punch him out. I wish she could punch a few folks out right now. I did make my own Irish coffee this eve though I don't keep coffee in the house. I did have a good talk at the nearest Dunkin, open 24 hrs, so perhaps if I'm an insomniac I'll head there. TBH did backpedal and reinvite me to use his place, but I still don't want to interact with him though supersub says to say yes. I don't know that I want to open that door again. He's flakey. And I don't think really interested in me other than he feels guilty for being an ass to a generally good person who has treated him rather well. But he's always been pretty much a last minute non commital kind of guy. It's never been charming though I get it. And the days of "I'll make myself available" disappeared. I'm not here to persuade someone to want me. Others do. The problem is I wanted him. And wanted him. And kept wanting him. I don't even know why. That he seemed like a good and honorable guy; moreso than others. But then that's what I thought about my ex when I met him. And he too flaked on me more than I can say. I feel as if I'm repeating the same. Maybe that's why it feels right often. It's familiar in a messed up way. Like coming home to hell. That's dramatic. But y'all know what I mean. I don't want to feel this way any more. That much I know. And I don't want to be the one who tries. Or cajoles. Or is happy just by knowng I made him smile. I'm such a sap. But I'll pull an O'hara and tomorrow is new day. Pen

3/17/2018 8:09:20 AM
There are too many folks (I'm thinking MEN, but I know better than to generalize a whole population) who are just plain MEAN. Now I know we are all self serving to an extent but being kind to to others isn't really so hard. I've begun to wonder if I'm an asshole magnet. Now I know I'm a sensitive woman at heart, much as I've tried to toughen that thin skin. But truly some of the things that come my way...well, I don't think it would matter how thick your skin is. I'm trying to look at the latest as a hiccup when really I'm kind of fucked. If I just did my own thing without calling on a friendship I thought was deep and reciprocal, I wouldn't be stuck trying to find a way to make happen a jaunt I'd looked forward to and just plain need. Definitely feeling like an asshole magnet. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, men and women alike. And heaven knows, passive aggression is insidious that way. You think you're both being cool and real even when there's a sense of unease at the base. In my case I put that sense of this-is-great-and-fun-and-what-a-good-person-he-is ahead of my personal uncertainties (thinking it's just that lack of confidence that plagues me now and again). I feel angry and sad and stupid. And that's the worst of it, feeling like I'm a moron by misjudging someone again. I'm very hard on myself for that. Because after all I should know better. Y'all know I've been plagued with blues these past weeks. Primarly because something was represented to me one way and turned out completely different. I plan, I live, I try hard with the limits I have to find my adventures and to feel my soul. It's not easy with external stressors such as financial uncertainties, however temporary. Now I don't expect anyone to pay MY way, though it may seem so being the recipient of alimony and child support. However, I did spend the time of my separation going back to school to a new and extremely challenging but very stable field. True I'm not working in it yet, but my cohorts are and I'm trying to find the right place in a flawed system so I can do a job with people at the center. Rather how I try to live. I'm trying hard to type as I cry since compartmentalizing and intellectualizing what I feel can mitigate the pain temporarily. Man, that sounds so smart and rational. I feel anything but that. I want and I try to surround myself with people who are good for me and I think generally I am good for them (at least I try to be). When I think I'm not going to be good for someone or will hurt them, I do the hard thing. I tell them this is not going to work. Earlier rather than later. I wish I could use people for company sometimes as I'm lonely most of the time. I'm not entirely without charm. Some men do get attached to me and if I know I won't feel what they do, I am honest about it even though it involves hurting someone which is the last thing I want to do. I know what it is to be strung along and I refuse to do it to someone. I meet more folks I'd prefer to be friends with over lovers. Most. But then I think I've changed. I'm certainly not driven by my sexuality as I used to be. Heavens, all I wanted to do was fuck. Now I'd prefer conversation. Though that interview'y first meet we must do to get there grates. But I also want to share activities with like-minded people. I have to say that was the stellar part about spending time with TBH. I had the most fun and was stretched in ways no one else could quite get me to do. The banter was fun. And he educated me politically and otherwise to think in new ways. That's a gift I'll miss. In other ways it didn't work. And I need to write them down to remind me of why this is good it's done. A 63 yr old never married no kids man raises a flag right away, even when you try hard not to generalize. I'm sorry you bachelors; usually I find you very appealing. I've dated more never married men than otherwise. But you know there's that question we think even though we don't ask "what's wrong with him?" So alright, usually either a commitment-phobia or social unease is a factor. Commitmentphobes were cool for me as I'd begun to lean that way when it took me so long to get out of my marriage; not a place I want to go back to. I say now I'll never marry again but people change and I hope I will continue to grow. Social unease...I find that a bit charming but then I'm apt to give introverts more leeway being one myself. And having worked with children on the autism spectrum...well...what is lost in smooth social transitions is gained in purity of spirit. I like people who are who they are. Something I try to be myself when my go to is to be whomever they need me to be. But like others who at one time lived in homes of excess drama and at times abuse, I learned to be who my caregivers wanted me to be to avoid wrath. And to keep a low quiet profile. I fight now to have my voice heard; nobody's putting baby in a corner again. There is power in words. I can sometimes influence. Make you laugh. Forge connection. But I often feel I'm better at typing words on a screen than the reality of friendships and relationships. I keep my distance from most. So those I trust I value deeply. And the loss of trust when it comes so hard to me has me crying. Now y'all know excess emotion leaks from my eyes often enough, but these tears are different. I feel like my insides are weeping along with the tears that roll down my face. And my interior voice begins and insistent what-to-do, what-to-do and telling me to find a way to stop. To stop crying. To stop feeling. To stop caring so much. To stop thinking things like I'm an asshole magnet that serves no purpose except making me feel like this is always going to happen with those who get under my skin. I've had pain for three days in my shoulder than I can't release. I did go to a party last evening (more about that later) and Franco tried to massage it out. The heat of bodies (clothed!) on either side of me as we talked on the couch was soothing. And attention used to be an ego boost. But quite frankly the attention of people who don't know me and don't really see me doesn't really balance the perceived rejection of someone I'm fond of who does know me inside and out. And that is inevitably the part that damages me. Those I've been closest to just go away. Or I disappear on them before they can do the same to me. Who's the fucked up one here? I don't really know myself. Pen

3/14/2018 7:19:29 AM
As much as I find cocks fascinating, and on occassion truly beautiful, sending a woman a cock shot before she's seen your smile can be self-defeating gentlemen. Now I'm not one of those women who get sent a dick pic and say ick. Ha! I'll think an initial yum though I admit to preferring circumsized. But then, being a bit of size queen, I'll note hmmmm...look at the close angle of the shot; it's not as big as he's trying to make it. Or hmmm...he's 6'1" so that looks about...And no, I don't really want to know the measurement. I'm apt to look at the body clinically. No judgement, just observation. And I find men with scars fascinating; reminds me of a pirate. After Johnny Depp what woman wouldn't want to fuck a pirate? Theoretically of course. I'd suggest y'all start out with a smile when you're looking for a personal interaction. And even if you're just looking to fuck, well boys, that's pretty damn personal even if that's all it is. I talk of sex with connection. But I think I'm seeking connection with sex. It's a little old fashioned. Though women have been taught for eons that sex is just something you get through. Bah humbug. Sex is glorious. And this from a woman who didn't know what an o was for a good quarter century. I was married to a man whose idea of foreplay was "so you feeling charitable tonight?" I cried after sex with the man. I think I got to just before orgasm and he'd be done and gone. This in a modern era. Though we did married before the days of internet; hopefully he's learned better since. Still I always craved sex. IDK what it is about penetration. It's the way we are built. They way we're meant to function. Simple. I get more pleasure from penetrative fucking than oral. Often I'd prefer just to get to the fucking, but that's my impatient nature as if a man doesn't go down on me I find him selfish. Contrary puss, I know. But honestly boys, it's not all that easy to give a blowjob especially given the proportions of my fav cock and my small mouth. I'd love to deep throat but can't achieve it all that often unless I get to practice often. Well if I'm putting yours in my mouth, darling, you sure should be kissing mine like you're trying to seduce me. Fair play darlings. And men, please please TRIM. I absolutely hate dealing with hairy balls or a cock that is covered with hair at it's base. There is nothing more delicious than shaved balls. OMG I could play with them, suck them, for hours. You know what the first thought I have when I see a man's groin looking like an overgrown garden? He's married. And of course, I'm not putting that in my mouth. And yes, I groom. And yes, it's a delicate process and a PITA to do but the increased sensitivity is delicious. I started this all by telling you not to send cock pics. And I'm not saying quite that. Just behave nicely first. A grin, a how to do, followed by do you want to see at minimum if you're on a site looking for sex of a more scratch-that-itch nature. And an intro. Yes, you really should tell a woman you want to fuck your name. Far better she yell, "yes Fred!" Over "fuck me harder xyzfuckmachine." I want to tie someone up. But I'm avoiding work. Back to it. Enjoy your day darlings. Pen

3/12/2018 5:46:49 PM
We began a conversation last night, TBH & I. We texted first and I confess I really don't understand man speak well. I take things completely the wrong way, get snarky, and just want to quit and say FU. Blessedly I didn't. Many thanks to supersub for helping me to see my views can be completely off base to a male perspective. We are often ahead of the conversation as females, being so relational in our interactions. Whereas males are so often on a completely different page. That whole mars/venus bs that is seeming less like bs and more valid. It doesn't really help me though; I simply haven't learned the language of guy speak all that well. We ARE snarky to each other and enjoy it. I began with "you're such a PITA." And he responded that I am impatient. I blustered a bit but then admitted yes, I sure am. I don't think he had any idea how much I love this little event I want to attend. I'll go with or without him. Though of course it would be much better with. Perhaps part of it is that last year the same time I tied him up before I'd let him truly meet me. It's a hell of a first date. And he needed some tequila to fortify himself. The notion of pushing him sexually has occured to me again. But we'll see. In the end we had some resolution. I feel better though today was sad and weird, completely unrelated. I just find my life on the other side of the divorce seems to be stepping backwards. Or well, not progressing as I thought. Much of that was due to my desire to just tread water in a safe place for once. But stagnancy is never good for long. Still I got some ex mail the other day from the IRS. One year's tax bill for nearly $80K...and I thought, hell, I could be HIM. But I'm not. And I'm protected. I just want more. I want to thrive and live with all cylinders firing. But I find myself waiting and watching far too much and that's not really me. I AM impatient. I know how life can change on a dime. And I want to live fully now. To grab every opportunity for joy, and yes, adventure. This endgame here was misrepresented to me by the attorney I'm still paying for. And the legal system is rather bullshit when it comes to enforcement of civil matters. Unless you're a government entity. And even then... Well, one foot in front of the other... Pen

3/10/2018 6:11:53 PM
A GOOD day. I need to leave more. I think I'm a wanderer in my blood as much as I seek security. We all need a home base to come back to. Perhaps my paternal grandmother's gypsy heritage. I remember her reading the tarot cards that had been in the family for so many generations they were round; all the corners had worn off. They were scary when I was young; but now I'd enjoy a reading though I'm a skeptic about most things... I bowled. Badly. But with grace and humor. My date of a few weeks ago paid me a lovely compliment. He said that I am fully there in the moment wherever I am. Not that he knows me that well, but it was a good long timeless conversation. But we share a profession so there are stories to tell. And he said I am all in. I want to be. I am comitted to what I decide to do. But there's fear when you commit that much. Fuck it though. I'd rather live my truth even when it gets hard than pretend. I've found a lovely air bnb with an artist I may induge in as there's an annual pilgrimmage I'm determined to make, company or no. It's affordable. TBH is his famously non committal self. I didn't realize it until Supersub told me wow, he's even more non-commital than him! I prefer spontaneity myself. But more so I prefer value and I need to look forward to something. Therein lies my motivation. Last year TBH showed up late ticketless and couldn't get in until someone took pity on him. I had a blast before and after he arrived. Just good people. And lots of women of a certain age like myself. I may stay in a twin bed in an attic to do it; but I'm going. Time to stop dwelling so much on my own interior and take to the road. It'll all be here for me to come back to, but about 4 months in one place is all I can take without leaving for a couple days. Even here at the haven. When I come back it will go from cage to haven again. It's a terrible thing when a man can't text an answer I think simple. I think it's the same feeling men get when a woman says "we need to talk." Double ugh. And then of course he won't call when he says. I care of course as it's way more fun with him. But on some level I don't care to have anything be fraught. Yes or no. It doesn't change my plans; I'm going solo or not. But I do have to make arrangements. I have a feeling he will be one like the professor who has begun dating someone else and didn't see fit to tell me earlier rather than later. Best to know than to wonder even it I'm going to be sadder. And darlings, you know the last thing I need to be is sadder. I'm trying hard to shake it. Pen

3/10/2018 6:02:40 AM
An early Saturday morning at the Jersey classic, Mastoris, on the other side of the state from my home. I was going back to classic fav in Princeton for a smoked salmon and goat cheese omelette but I'm not in the mood for the pontificating and self important patrons. Of course here it's down to earth, Trump politics and most carrying a few extra pounds. And here they call me "Miss" instead of "Ma'am." This is how I grew up, though not necessarily reflective of all of me now...it still feels like home and today I need to be with more people like my family. No way I can live that way for long but I do miss the sounds of home. There's a Western PA accent that is just awful, but it makes me feel warm as much as it makes me cringe. I lost mine, but it was hard work. A beautiful dinner for my children last evening. Rather a Sunday roast on a Friday night. I'm doing all sorts of new cuts of meat that I find on sale though I miss buying that whole Char. I'm such a spoiled brat. But I didn't start out that way. I just really really don't want to go backwards. All I really want is what I've always wanted...to feel safe. I make others feel that way, so it's close. But I never quite get there myself. Well this Saturday breakfast beats last weeks with my date from Mars. Gentlemen, you're going to want to spank for this...but there's a reason some men are divorced...though I've ended up dating and enjoying more never married no children men than any other demographic. They're generally easier, more fun, settled (well the ones I like are), and come to a point where they miss companionship. You've got to actually want someone before you get out there. I'm done with the traditional dating site by this month's end. I won't re-up. I'd thought of going back on a sex site for awhile. But it's so transactional in nature. No, I don't mean money sillies. I have no problem with fucking as the ultimate goal and a lot of it. Reminder boys: fucking is a social act. And the more social you can make it, the further you can go...something all you kinksters seek. So sitting across from dinner, having a few drinks, it's all foreplay loves. And think of the dichotomy of this mannerly couple, tossing civility to the wind as their clothes fall. THAT's what hot. Not a guy who makes it to my bedroom and starts taking off his own clothes...no one should take their own clothes off when you're headed to bed naked with a partner. Unwrap him or her like the best present you've ever gotten...now that's the way to do it.... Pen

3/9/2018 3:51:46 PM
I really should go back to cooking for people. It makes a difference, doing something you have capability in that gives others pleasure. Hell, maybe I should go back to having casual sex again too...I was pretty good at that too! Pen

3/9/2018 11:25:31 AM
Today I was overwhelmed. But then that's how emotion takes one sometimes. When I can't avoid my chidlren seeing me weep, I laugh and tell them I am so filled with emotion that the tears are just it leaking out. But today I cried so hard I nearly got sick. I sat in my car in the driveway and just let tears pour down. I just...well...I worked so hard to get to the other side of my divorce and the move and the career change. And it's seems like I'm not. My ex still has far too much of an impact on my financial picture, not at all the way the attorneys and such represented it too me. If I hear "yes, but this deal has teeth" one more time, I'll hit someone over the head with it. In civil matters, there isn't any teeth. We'll see if this new filing can do anything, but really fuck it; I've lost faith. In many systems, you're set up to lose. Unlike me, the optimist, but there you have it. I've done all I can to chill. Dinner and conversation with Darling Dom, my dear dear friend last night. His words and perspective and his knowledge of my history are a blessing. He recently lost a parent. And I've worried for him. I miss him as his work takes him further away. And he of course spends his weekends with his girl. I'm so glad he has met someone who truly appreciates what a good man he is, perversions and all, but I miss our outings. So last evening was truly lovely. My new tv escape is Versailles. Lots of historical escape, poisoning and mayhem. Plenty of naked backsides as well and frontside of women. Why don't we get to see more male frontages? I really don't understand why and erect male is any different than a naked female to the sensibilities. I think part of the reason I'm so suseptible to stress is how seldom I have sex anymore. I really wish the process of finding someone wasn't so damn frustrating. I talked with Darling Dom about relationships. How he enjoys his gf. But then is ready to go home at the end of the weekend, having lived alone so long. I have limited time without my children. A few weeknights, a couple of weekends a month. Of course they are old enough I could theoretically go out on a date on an evening they are at home, but I don't. And eventually I could theoretically have a guest overnight with them here; but that too I don't. It's just icky unless he's a keeper. And really since I don't want to marry again...I just wonder if it's all for naught. If I'm even relationship material myself given my limits. Quite frankly I find the idea of a weekend or two a month spent with a man I enjoy, perfect. Add dinner and a sleepover one night a week, and I think that's perfect. Space. Fun. Grown up time. But perhaps that does not a relationship make. I'll ask y'all, what do you think? I told DD about my disasterous brunch Saturday. Now mind you, the man was the oldest man I'd ever gone out with. DD, kind man, suggest I look too young and likely not what he was expecting. Tough to explain when the date's daughter is closer to my age than he. I think I've got to nix dating anyone over 65 at this point. But I hate to be so arbitrary. We are not our age. But generational differences can be only too real in the way we relate or can't relate to each other. And I don't want to do that again. This is just a spill, a rant, a release, a torrent...complaint, stress, frustration. It'll get better. I know this, but right now the mud is deep and I'm stuck. Pen

3/8/2018 6:39:44 AM
I do apologize for my snail pace responding to emails. You see, these emails I savour. (Well not ALL of them; some of y'all are just rude.). But you know who you are. Your handle is the one that makes me smile when it pops up. I don't always read it right away but save it, like that dark dark piece of chocolate I get at the end of some days with my green tea. It's my reward. So too is the time I take to respond when it's quiet and I've a pot of tea made; my way of spending time with you. The cyberspace version of tea and conversation...Know this: you are valued. You bring light to me when I need it most it seems. And I appreciate your warmth and kindness. I've been a GOOD parent lately. But then snow days are made for such things; it's why I love them so much now that I have the haven with reliable heat and managable shoveling. No sidewalks are a blessing. Snickerdoodles. German apple pancake breakfasts. New veges (beet greens are amazing, BTW). Even though I feel my capabilities lacking in some areas, it helps to do the things I have some expertise with. I forget I am capable. I know it. But I don't FEEL it. I talk about feeling a great deal. How I try to manage them. As a woman, I've had what I've felt thrown back at me in ways that denigrated emotion and instinct. It's taken me many many years to trust my instincts. Reseach tells us to, particularly in the industry I'm now trying to break into. It took professor after professor telling me to listen to that inner voice. I remember listening to it in my early 20's when I first moved to Manhattan and was looking for work. Any employer who was more interested in my looks than my degree I said no to no matter how much I needed that job. Maybe commonsense, maybe instinct. I've always known what leads to more trouble rather than less. But following instinct when it comes to others is harder for me. Perhaps some of my sons ergers has been drawn from me. I don't know how others in my day to day life see me unless they tell me so. One friend tells me I'm mysterious to the rest. A good thing to be for a woman I suppose. But meet me and I'll answer anything. I prefer to be frank and sometimes I'm too brash. That could be bergery for sure. I do appreciate subtelty when it's not an excuse for passive aggression. I much prefer "tell it like it is" when accompanied with a kindness filter. And when I'm with others, I am fully present in the moment. It's when I'm not that my brain can breed worry. But then so much doesn't make sense to me at present; there's a disconnect between what was represented to me and what it. And that, darlings, is crazy making. Though no worries. The craziest things I do are sexual; and y'all just celebrate that. I could use a little of that kind of crazy... Pen

3/5/2018 8:09:59 PM
It's money. I'm letting anxiety over money get to me. Because I'm a squirrel at heart. I want nuts tucked away in every tree for whatever inclement times may come. Of course most of the time they don't. But I have this THING about being prepared. I figured it was because I am the head of my family and there's no one else to lean on. But then as I began talking to other friends I realize that's not really true. My extended family might not be mine by blood but we belong to each other by choice and have each other's backs. Of course I can't ask for anything because I was raised it was simply not something one does. (I'm still such a prude in manners sometimes.). Though my friends make me do uncomfortable things and I've gotten better. But it's still agonizing for me. So I did what I do when something is haunting or bugging me too much. I just fucking DO it. I sat down with the mess. Head first into bills. My fear when money comes in is that there won't be enough to last us as the next is often delayed or absent. Then we're fucked. I'm changing jobs, so if I can just get that to happen I won't be around as much but the money issues will fade. But there will be new issues at hand. In any case the best thing to do is just pay stuff and be left with less. Then the looming issues of bills are no longer an issue. Let's just pray for flow. Let it the cashflow keep flowing. And I can deal with it. It's ridiculous how near panic I get trying to figure it out. Shades of my childhood on public assistance there. To feel powerless isn't someplace I want to return to. No, darlings, not even in kink. What I want is what we all want. To be adored. Just to have one other person find me entrancing and to need to tell me so, to need to touch me and to be with me. And I him. A simple girl. I just want to be wanted by someone who knows me, lumps and all. It smoothes all the edges of life, that. And I could use some tucking in and smoothing out about now. Pen

3/4/2018 1:54:00 PM
I should've reached out an emailed back the few I call friends on here. I apologize but when I'm in funk, the last thing I want to do is spread it. And when I feel absolute need for people, I'm gonna run the other way as I'm a contrary puss. Not really. Just very very uncomfortable wanting anything or anyone too much. Two lovely things today. My dear elderly friend who I take to brunch every other Sunday paid me the most wonderful compliment. I tell him nearly everything, though not about my sex life at present. Though there's not much to tell, is there? I talked about myself and my family and my difficulties stopping the "what if's" in my head now that my freedom fund is decimated. But I also talked about my ex whose financial missteps have left him deep in a hole. I, in comparison, am at sea level. Ha! Just want to climb the mountain a little in case a flood head my way...So I am blessed to be free of him and what being tied to him financially in the ways I was before meant. But I want to climb higher. I talked of my children and how my youngest asked me why I kept saying no to so much as didn't dad give me money? Now I tell my children very little that would present their father in a negative light. Perhaps it's just for all to know who he really is, but I am not going to hurt my children by slinging mud at the other person they love most in the world. I did say, however, that yes, dad does give us money but he is not giving us the amount he is supposed to that we need to live the way we were. That rent and our car and bills must be paid first and we are not at present getting what was agreed upon. I apologized to him. I told him I so wish I could give him more yes'es than no's. And it's true. I don't want to give my children endless things...and have little guilt saying no to the custom Vans when he has perfectly workable sneakers now. But I do want to give them experiences. And I know it's not so long before my nest will be empty; that my time with them is now. I want to give more. But I can't right now. The new attorney needed to be hired. My bills are being paid, if a bit later than I prefer. There are one too many pasta nights in the week. But we do have what we need. There's that word again...NEED. I just want more. And they want more. But I did tell my son, it will not always be like this. This is temporary. It doesn't really make it easier, but there it is. I never got to compliment my friend paid me. He of course told me I look lovely as always, but he's a charmer. But he told me that I am the happiest person he knows. And he doesn't want worry to change that. He is right there. I AM happy. Even with the what ifs, even finding solo weekends endless, and even with the financial stress. I am happy. And I am free. I'd sure like to be free'er to hit the road with a companion in adventure to explore these little towns in Delaware and Maryland that have caught my fancy these days. But it'll happen again. I'm trying hard for an oyster roast this month to a town I adore and pick up some of my current fav oolong tea I've finished off. That's really all I want to do. Walk, talk to folks, eat oysters, drink a few dark-n-stormies, and buy some tea. I have good taste, but I'm not hard to please. And generally please myself. It would sure be nice though to have someone else to please me in bed; I'm damn tired of porn and damn tired of masturbating. Oh! I forgot the other thing that happened. Really delightful and I want to write it down so I remember. My mind is a sieve sometimes. The fancy grocery store express line...I was a little scattered. Big cart, little lane, banging it gracelessley. The most handsome man was behind me and reached over to help. I continued to be rather graceless but he seemed to find it charming. And the guy in front of me had WAY more than 15 items. We started talking. OMG he was delicious. Tall, maybe 40ish, dark hair, with that groomed stubble thing men do now. We started joking about my items and I told him of course I under 15 unless you count the papertowels in the giant package separately. I continued to be clumsy loading my cart with the enormous tp and papertowel packages and fitting the few other things in between it. I moved my flowers and he reached out to take them and present them back to me once I got everything settled. The most beautiful double orange tulips...this girl likes color. I told him yes, thanks, the flowers are the most important part! Grin and off...Yum. I think the lesson is...I'm really fucking capable. And I don't ask for help like EVER. So it might behoove me to just let my more graceless self out more. Men like to be men and we don't give them the chance to help much these days. I sure don't. I suppose there could be something charming about a klutzy female with a good spirit. Especially if she grins at you. Pen

3/3/2018 8:12:01 PM
As always, I get over myself.   Just thinking so much lately rather than doing.  I need to do more and think less, rather opposite of many folks.   I think just the act of cooking creatively without needing to think or please anyone but myself was cathartic.  It's an imperfect stove, but I'm faulty equipment is no stranger to me.  That's why they make oven thermometers if you give it a little more time.  I managed a thin crust pizza, again Brazilian style with light sauce and lighter cheese.   This time was San Danielle prosciutto (less salty than the Parma), roasted golden beet slices, goat cheese, and oregano.   Yeah, weird, but good.   Kind of like me at times.   And mostly with leftovers.   My personal challenge.   Now to figure out how to cook beet greens...

Finished the queer eye episodes.  The last, firefighters, was both touching and hot.   And y'all get me and fire these days.    In between and when doing the dough...music.   It IS too quiet here.   I find the song "Oooh child..." so perfect.  Y'all know it.  "Oooh oooh child, things are gonna get easier.   Oooh oooh child things are gonna get brighter..."  Simple.  But I'm a girl who needs more hugs than most even if they just from a song.   I kept on the soul channel for more and ended up dancing my very round ass off in front of the tv.   I wonder if you could see my shadow through the shade...I'd rather disturb my neighbors screaming "YES!" or "Oh, FUCK YES!"   But this girl is not getting any o's this weekend.   

I may need a good party to work out the kinks (not the good kind) that have my neck and shoulders and forehead bound up in little pellet of knots.   No alcohol tonight.   7 drinks a week is the female okay rate.    I usually don't come too close, but this week yeah....

I changed my linens from the fleece sheets I tucked in with TBH weeks ago.   Time to exorcise him from my bedroom.  Back to virginal white.  Though that's the only thing besides my skin that's virginal about me.   My edges get a little sharper without the smoothing effect of sex.   But I did find a dark choc Toblerone bar today.   The darker the better with me.  If only I could do the same in the bedroom.  A proper Dom would not go amiss at present but finding such and building that sort of connection doesn't happen in the blink of an eye.   And I don't want to work so hard at romance or sex anymore.   I'd rather say fuck it THAN fuck it.   

Pen

3/3/2018 2:15:01 PM
Ensconced in one of the local Starbucks again.  I couldn't bear being in the haven any more.   It's a refuge, but I am not a homebody.  I prefer noise.   I lived on a noisy road in the old house; I miss road noise, believe it or not.   But yes, the sounds of birds and honks of geese have far more charm.   But I know I need to leave to appreciate coming home.   I've always been built that way.   And I need people as much as dislike admitting it.   I won't do a solo dinner out as is my preference on dateless nights because I am trying very hard to conserve funds.  It's awkward anyway though I used to love having a glass of wine and a steak salad at the bar.   I go through jags when my Gran's belief that a woman alone in a bar is improper.  For a woman who appreciates breaking rules so much, I'm a natural at internalizing most of them....AND I've just spilled coffee all over my lap!!!  I'm so clumsy sometimes.    And no darlings....I didn't burn any of the good parts...I AM however on a roll with such things, having less red hair now they've cut that burned parts of that off... 

I listened to a couple of gentlemen next to me bemoan the fate of one divorcing.    The one man's body language and glance at me solo at the next table might have been a flirt.   But today I'm shy.  Most of the time I am though no one believes it.    Confidence wanes and waxes.    Now if someone looks like they need help in a conversation or some other sort of assistance or I can think of a compliment that comes spontaneously to my lips, I'll let go and say something.   But I've never been good at foisting myself on someone else, despite feeling I often do.    My coffee'd lap is getting cold but I'm not ready for home yet.  There's a wonderful Irish pub in my town as in most of the shore towns...I've been craving their Irish coffee for weeks and weeks, but again I don't want to go into a bar alone.   And in the past I've dined solo there a'plenty.   I have somehow come to feel a sense of want.  Both financially and personally.   Having spent my child in such a state, I felt powerless for a very long time.  I no longer feel a lack of power as I know I have plenty of that.   But I do feel a sense of want and that has always been uncomfortable in the extreme for me.   

There are two white haired ladies at the counter; I wouldn't mind being one of a pair of friends too.  But my friends are mostly like me, still raising children and all the time that entails.    And they're all attached.   Add working long hours...and here I am.  A woman of a certain age, fairly well preserved, and classy enough...but one who thinks far too much and has begun to worry about what if's (never a good thing for my head).   I've taken to watching the new Queer Eye series as I love the old one.   There's something about makeovers; I love makeovers myself...my stylist loves me since I pretty much let her do whatever.   I'm usually some shade of red.   I did nix the hair extensions given the cost versus how long they last.    But long, short, edgy, simple...it's fun and it's just hair; it grows back.   Did I mention I cried my way through my last episode of Queer Eye today when a lovely young man came out?   I'm a sap of the highest order.  Add hormonal flux and oh, I have very clear eyes as a result.  I'm going to need to hydrate to replace all the fluid I've lost today.

Generally when I need to hydrate it's been after a long session of sex when I've squirted like a mad woman...I am definitely not doing enough of that.   But sigh, I don't wanna with just anyone.   I want just a little charm and wit.  And damn it, a man who at least TRIES.    I've spent too much time with too many folks who don't. At least that is not me.  I keep trying though many times I wonder why I am.   

Supersub told me today "you always have a date."   Well I suppose I do manage to have some on occasion though I don't know how.   Well actually, yeah.  It's about being open, expecting I will learn from everyone I meet.   I told him in reply that it sure seems like it, but if I really did why do I spend nearly every night I don't have my children solo and usually at home typing away?   I expect I'll keep typing this evening too.  But I've extra dough from last night so I thought I'd try a beet and goat cheese pizza of sorts and see what I come up with.   These are the nights I can eat weird veggies my children will not.   I'm so tired of broccoli.  Broccoli and dates that feel like interviews....but aren't we all?

Pen

3/3/2018 10:31:11 AM
I'm not fond of last night's tipsy journal entry, but I'm not going to start editing now. Best to leave it be. Back from a date. And yeah, sometimes these solo weekends loom long. Y'all know that feeling? Plenty to do. Nice day. Crave the right company. But also crave not having to do anything or be anywhere in particular. We are contrary creatures. It was not a good date. Brunch was a good idea though. IDK why. Was it his personality? A generation gap? My internal judginess I'd tried to swallow? My friend, supersub, suggests it's a chemistry issue. Sure. But usually I can connect with most people even if I don't see them as tied naked to my bedposts. This guy I couldn't. Less than an hour and I didn't even finish my eggs, just wrapped it to go...maybe he simply didn't find me attractive and just wanted to get through it. Little warm or interest on both our parts and I did try. I think primarily though the man is not ready. And is a man more comfortable with other men than women. His very late in life divorce was not his idea. I know how frightening dating was in my 40s. Can you imagine starting from scratch in your 60s? Terrifying. I've spent too much time at the haven watching the water. Less a thing of beauty these days than a threat. But even though the flooding and tide was higher today, enough to create a small island in the yard, its going down. I forget I've only been here 4 1/2 months. I don't know what the cycle of a year looks like here. Just trying to figure out Christmas was tricky here. The seasons are all new. Landscape and how to use the house and all. I know I need to entertain more. I feel as if I've lost the knack. Plus...asking anything of anyone terrifies me. Yep, truly it does. It's a completely alien skill to a girl raised with the notion that asking anyone for anything is about the rudest thing you can do. Of course mine was an impossibly prideful family too. They never took charity; but then they never gave it either. Self reliance on steroids. Not terribly supportive of each other either. You sink or swim on your own. Now that makes me a great survivor. But not always the best friend. I am there for sure. No one has a back like I do. Dependable times 30. But it's disproportionate. I don't know how to ask. I make myself sometimes. My cohorts make me since they recognize two biggies few others do...I have no backup myself. No family is going to help. And the times I was dating someone seriously and needed help, my lovely girlfriends couldn't understand why I wouldn't tell him. I couldn't understand why they'd expect me to. This is an area in my personal development that remains a bit stunted. Autonomy is a great thing but so is balance. I cry as I write this. And I know I need to leave the haven for a bit as I've been too much alone. My hormones are out of whack today and I know that is why I can cry so easily. But like most women who hug that cusp of boomer/x'er, when I was first forming relationships with other adults (esp men)...being emotive was denigrated. "Oh you know women...they're all a little bit crazy...". Particularly when we cry. Or get upset over slights. And we got brushed off, told to grow up or that there was something wrong with us. Girls...and boys...there's not a damn thing wrong with what you feel. It's all valid because you feel it. And allowing yourself to feel IS damn grownup. Even when it hurts or makes someone else in the room feel awkward. Right now because of what's going on with me physiologically, I FEEL. And sometimes waht I feel is so strong I think it's a NEED. Its not. It's a message. I'm fond of reminding myself and too many others that pain is a message. Usually it's a message to stop doing what you're doing and do something else. It certainly can help initiate change. Pen

3/2/2018 8:37:54 PM
Debatable how much sense I'll make this eve, 3 dark & stormies and no lunch...but y'all know my words need to be written. Solo, as I will be most of the weekend. Brunches both days, one a date with a man much older than my usual parameters. The other with my beloved 86 yr old friend, also a much older man. But he is like my Grandpa K or an older uncle I never had. There were few men in my life growing up but Grandpa K. We weren't related by blood. But his wife was one of my Gran's best friends. Grandpa K built me a bookshelf when I was 7 and I've never had a home without them since. He and his wife had one beautiful daughter who died tragically and young, her husband cheating and her children left without their mother. Rosemarie was her name. And she was lovely. The Hemmingway gateleg table I write on was left to my Gran from her and then to me. I remember sitting around it with tea when I was a freshman in high school wishing I had a family like hers. I suppose I do now. Damn I get maudlin when I drink sometimes. But she is good to remember. Though we all chafed at the questions "why can't you be more like Rosemarie?" A nor'easter they called it, and a nor'easter is certainly was today. Damage here, but due to the owner of the property not fixing things quite right. I must a PITA of a tenant. But I do pay my bills. Tonight I made a black and green olive pizza, dough from scratch. Brazilian style..which is generally in a half sheet pan over my usual pizza screens, little sauce/Little cheese and some shallots. Okay, yeah, my interpretation of something I made once for international night that no one could stop eating. I like dough. It's tactile. Sometimes almost skinlike. But that yeasty, glutenous, floury scent and olive oiled hands...well...it would make a good scene for a massage had there been someone other than I here. The track pants guy offered a date this eve...texting me sometime around noon...no can do. It's a shame I enjoyed him and would love to be friends. But he's going to want more and I can tell already his energy doesn't work with mine. I am a PITA. I want to go and do things and fuck lots. And kiss more. And be illuminated by another mind. But I learn from everyone. So it's not hard for me to see light. I watched a documentary on Gloria Allred...fabulous...I had no idea who she was, but you will find me ill informed about things that may surprise you. That's why I need others to illuminate my narrow focus. Maybe not the best choice when going on a date with a man I expect is a decided boomer tomorrow...but we'll see. It's shiny and dusted and warmly lit inside tonight with Apple music's rainy day romantic tunes play list on tap. And I can't eat anymore olive duo pizza. Did I mention I've completely eliminated cuck? No more conversations. No more contact info. I simply erased him. I had a picture he gave me as a consolation prize for not inviting me to his master's ceremony despite my help in getting him there. I'm going to attic it. Some folks just don't change and are plain rude. There's no place for him in my head or in this haven now. I get lonely sometimes. So I can be ripe for conversation, texting away. But now. I'd rather not. Nothing good comes from anything to do with that man. Hell it's normal to sometimes feel a bit lonely. But damn I love my freedom. I love my space. And though part of me wants that beau, the other part of me asks why I am so determined to give up my power? It's not like I want to marry again. I've never lived with a man I've not been married to, however last century it sounds. And I don't want to. Come and visit my space and my life, sure. And invite me to yours. And let's cozy up and enjoy the novelty and sweetness of it all. And then back to our respective hives. To meet again when it's time for the honey to flow. Pen

2/26/2018 7:19:50 PM
SIN & COS today and chemical equations. Not my homework, but my children who are way smarter than I but haven't realized it yet. I talk a good game. And thank heavens for Google. I am trying hard to manage stressors beyond my control. It's difficult to keep perspective. Though the deer picking their way through the water at low tide yesterday helped. As do the daffodils poking green shoots up through the soil someone must've planted here once. Add the tall gentlemenly Great Blue Heron making his dignified way through the high water this afternoon, and well...it helps. I've come to the point where IDK how I'm going to manage if what I imagine is coming my way does. But one day at a time. That's all I need to keep in my head. But ohh...I'm getting nervous. Enough. So I've been thinking about how I react when someone wants to come here without the usual social niceties. Ie...he invites me to his place first. I'd found myself in a relationship with a married cheater in the past. And I've been the wife of the same. I'd recommend neither. So now, if you don't have me over I will walk. And certainly the booty call here has lost it's appeal as I'd prefer to have my own space to myself unless I really really like and trust a guy. There should be transparency and ease. But I'm sure other's protect their space as well. Or are embarrassed by it as I was in my former digs. I'm beginning to conclude I may not meet someone with whom we mutually suit. I'd best get back to empire building and nix the relationship search. Quite frankly as much as I want the trimmings...skin-to-skin, conversation, sharing live music and great dinners, and mutual encouragment...the rest of it can be tricky. When I begin to want his time or he mine. It chafes. Or expectations that end up causing angst. I clearly didn't do so well on my longest relationship but manage to do stellarly when it comes to my children. But then of course I'm the one in charge. And I really don't want to be in charge of anyone else or fall into that thing we as women do and try to control and test men. It sounds shallow. But truly I want to have fun. Who knows how many days of fun any of us have left? But I also care. I haven't heard from TBH for several days. In a way it's good as when I talk to him I miss the man. Whereas I get used to not hearing from him. Sounds odd to me. But there you have it. I know I shouldn't nix anyone right now. But...there are quite simple things I can't quite ask him though I know I should. My stylist (the female bartender) tells me to put my cards on the table as men are not so good at such things. But I won't. Silly girl. Maybe that's why I want to date older. In hopes they'll be way more open and grown up than me. And lead the way just a bit. A bit is what I said, Doms. I don't wanna be anyone's slave. Beloved fucktoy if he takes me out to dinner and tucks me in next to him and holds me close and whispers sweetness in my ear after he lies tucked into my cum-filled puss. Sigh. Pen

2/25/2018 11:06:08 AM
I was an insomniac for many years and suffered nightmares. As a child I suffered from persistent skin infections of the eczema and food allergies that I've since outgrown Thank heavens for that. My health was worse in my early twenties with a duodenal ulcer and eventually a serious kidney infection. Growing up as I did, the hospital was one of the few places adults took care of me. Now I'm healthier than I ever was. I think we discount the impact of stress and our perceptions on our well being. Stress really can make you sick. As a child and teen, I frequently had to wear white cotton gloves to protect and heal my skin. Every night I had to slather the preion ointment over my hands and feet, cover that with plastic bags, then socks or mittens. And that is how I had to sleep every night. I don't even remember when it stopped, but certainly I didn't in college. You feel bound; every night I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to wake, strip off the gear and stretch. I wake still and stretch like a cat, including fingers and toes because somewhere in my psyche I remember being not free. It's a theme I suppose, my need to feel free. How very American of me, to value freedom above the rest. I suppose it's why I and others sometimes struggly with attachment as much as I want it. Choices, attachments...all limit you. I've been blessed that my life imploded more than a decade ago now when my marriage imploded. The commitment I made I no longer had to honor. The future I didn't look forward to, but was going to keep on the path because I made a promise, evaporated. The first emotion that comes rushing in is FEAR. Yes, all caps FEAR. But then came the sense of possibility. And few of us are blessed to have a whole new world open up to us midlife. It a good thing. There's still fear. And doubt. Lack of confidence at times. A deep craving for a partner to back me up (but really I don't think I ever had that). But what I have is more than most and less than some. And somehow, despite weeks that are very very hard and saying "no, we can't" do this or this to my children when I want to say yes...we manage. But of course I want to do more than manage. I want to thrive. I want to grow. I want to laugh. And y'all know I want to fuck. I want to share screaming o's with a partner. And I want to sleep with my head on a beloved chest as the sound of his heartbeat stops me from fretting and hypnotizes me to sleep. Pen

2/25/2018 12:28:11 AM
There's something to be said for dating someone who lives a similar lifestyle. I've never been particularly rigid about things like ethnicity or race or even age. But I find I prefer to share some degree of cultural values which can make dating challenging with some ethnicities and races. Certainly not all members of such. But there are simple ways of being and communicating that I need some degree of similarity to connect. I also need to be with empathetic folks. Kind, caring, honest and respectful. These qualities exist cross culturally so I try to remain open. But frankly, the simple things when missing get in the way. A vocabulary I understand. Intelligence with out pomposity. A big one...proper dress. I chastise myself that dress is so important to me when it seems such a shallow concern. But if I met you in a restaurant in sweats and uni tee, would you feel like I did more than roll out of bed and showed up? Now I'm not fond of suits. Or even ties. A great pair of dark wash jeans, non-white sneaks, and a nice tee or collard knit shirt tell me you dressed for a date. As do I. And if you hold open doors and behave like a gentleman, we'll that should be a matter of course as I will be the lady I am. Irrepressible and funny, but still a lady. Now if we want to melt away that veneer of civility in the bedroom, by all means I hope we get there. But we have to start from a place of mutual respect, friendship even, and simply like each other. It's just as important as chemistry. Pen

2/23/2018 5:24:51 PM
Seems like it's date night at Barnes & Noble. It was the closest Starbucks for me to avoid an extra hour's drive to pick up teens this evening. Sad place for a date night; and I used to haunt this place. But just as I lost my taste for stuff; I lost my taste for endless print books. My library is still I suppose bigger than most given I see few homes with visible bookshelves (with actually books on them) any more. Though my children's libraries are bigger, but that to me is as it should be...I'd rather give them my shelves and let them fill their brains and feed imagination. I've worked at book stores and owned a book store. Strong shoulders and back here as a result. But I miss my stick arms as now mine are muscular but softening. I'm a strong woman. Perhaps I'm less tolerant of people. Certainly I know too much to put up with nonsense or disingenuity. These days what attracts me is a ready smile with good teeth of course! A well kept man, though that in no way implies Ken perfection. Older. Though now of course older may well be OLD. Of course I think I look younger than I am as we all do. My friends wonder at my relative lack of wrinkles. Fair skin, sunscreen and my lotions and potions, but mostly because I carry a little weight. They laugh when I tell them, but it's true...my wrinkles are filled in with fat. And no, darlings, fat is not a bad word. Just adipose tissue. I'm healthy enough though carrying more than I should. My chiropractor today mentioned my weight loss. IDK if it's true or not as my goals tend to involve the fit of my clothes over numbers on a scale. But I waste little; cook more; eat less. Though with a dysfunctional thyroid, my metabolism may not speed up until I get to the point where I need medication. I'd rather not. I forced myself out today. I've been alone too much. I knew I needed to drive anyway, as the respite of the haven gets old with cold rainy days stacking on top of one another. I get edgy and start feeling caged when I'm in one place too long. I've always had to leave home to appreciate coming back to it. Cabin fever is a real problem to me. And with my resources now more limited and requiring careful management...well, there's no fluff. And I love my fluff. Those extra bits and treats that keep me smooth and steady. It's forced me to make some decisions. And fine tune what I want. Everything for a reason, yes? I suppose I always did need escape. Hell, I've run away from home more than once. Never left my children mind you. But certainly when they are with their father my preference is to toss a bag in the car and drive. Tea a few hours away tastes better in the unique teahouses or coffee bars I find. My ipad for company and my words...and I feel better. I prefer a partner in escape, but that's not always possible. Time shared, conversations over meals or even when tucked in skin-to-skin...blow away solo time. Though my life even with children is spent interacting less. The old house was stressful and falling apart; but we had to fuction as a team to get things done. And of course there was space. A kitchen we could all work in. Tasks divided. Common areas shared. Now I expect I should go out more when my children are home so perhaps they'd realize I'm not there to serve. Their ages matter, yes. But the space too doesn't lend itself to group interaction. I'm not even sure what is coming out of my head this evening. I know I want to be with an adult male and that's not going to happen soon. I know there's a particular adult male I want, but I'm entirely clueless how to procede. I suppose I could just ask. But I'm at heart a mannerly sort. And it's beyond difficult for me to make the first move with men. Once I'm comfortable, I can. But oh, it takes time and clear interest on his part for me to step forward. I crave my bed tonight. I crave being more. Y'all know what I mean. Now I have a family who appreciates me. But I fill a role. I want to be more than my current roles. Time to stop the words tonight. Pen

2/22/2018 8:36:57 AM
Just finished a deadline I was procrastinating towards.   I know better, but I'm not the motivated eager beaver I was once.  I'm the tired girl who just wants to get it done so her time is her own.   Nothing quite so freeing as that.   That and a pot full of gold.   Working on that part.   It's fact...resources free you.  And a woman of my tastes needs some funds to be able to indulge her passions.  Not for stuff.  I don't give a damn for stuff except for the occasional handbag when the old one starts looking shape and the color begins to rub off.   And my lotions and potions when I scrape bottom.   But experiences!   I need my escapes.   Gas and enough for a good meal and rather nice hotel room or air BNB.    People I meet and the sound of the road under my wheels feeds me.   

So I may rant a bit.    I've heard from endless guys on another site.   I won't meet with any of them.   That was not my initial intent.   I'm reminded of when I was someone's wife.  I start off turned on and wanting to fuck.  But sure enough the replies and approaches I get from just about all takers evaporate desire.   I think I'm up to masturbating 2 to 3 times a day.   I'm easily pleased in bed.   Penetration works.  I don't even need oral; though if I'm giving it and he's not...well..that's not going to work for long.   I prefer cock to fingers though I dream of my pussy being played with afterwards when it's full of cum and slippery.   Almost just the thought of it makes me want to cum.   And yeah, I want a man I'm fluid bound to.   I wish...I wish I had a hot blooded partner who needed to cum everyday or so.    So I could live filled with his cum every day.    But that's expecting a lot when I find a man my age and older far more to my liking .   

At times I miss having a cuckhold, though not the particular cuck I had.    It would be fun to be deeply attached to one man with bi tendencies and invite another to join us for most of the night.   I've spoken of my fondness for bi men in the past.   I find such men the most evolved sexually.   And while I won't share a man with another woman, I will with another man.  Plus there's something so charged about a couple sharing a cock orally.   Forbidden and hot.    I have a cum fetish I rarely indulge.   But oh,  to be filled and filled again.   And to have my partner lick it from me then share it...these are the things my dreams are made of...

Pen

2/19/2018 6:44:18 PM
With today a holiday, this is effectively the start of my week. Though blessedly some of my family were off as well, so it was a simply lovely day. I baked last night. A former chef, I have some skill. I'd forgotten how practiced and natural I am and how I can be creative with simply what I find leftover. I rarely enjoy cooking these days. I'm a woman who prefers to be served and have others do clean up. Is my food better? Usually, yes. I've learned with my recent cash flow issues how to cook cuts of meat I'd never even heard of before. If it's onsale, I can make something great with it. Though I'm one of those chicks who prefers natural, organic if we consume it in any quantity, and local if at all possible. And all of the above comes at a premium. I adore TBH for many reasons. He's a pescatorian which I enjoy because as much as i love seafood; it's expensive. Without my sons fishing we aren't well stocked and fish is now a special occasion meal. So eating with TBH is LOVELY; though I couldn't live on fish and veges like the aescete he is. There are times when just beef will do. I think I crave sodium when I crave meat so much...it's beef or bacon but both in moderation. Sodium too. Try keeping a sodium journal sometime... I managed it for 3 days. You'll be amazed at how much you consume without adding a bit of salt to your food. A slice of a cold cut, celery, prepared foods...I preach I know. But I'd rather manage my diet than take blood pressure meds. Compliments today which make me glow when it comes from my children. The baked good rock. One new creation is a combo of all my girl's fav things. Nice to make those you love the most happy. My new legal skirmish (it's not big enough to be called a battle) begins. I dread how pissed someone is going to be at me for protecting my own interests. But needs must. I don't think I'm one of those terrible screaming ex'es. But I'm definitely a PITA to him. He would and has called me worse. Names I never though a man raised as well as he was knew. But oh yeah... I drove to a glorious date with TBH Friday evening. I get pleasure looking at him across the table. His face is angular, with the kindest brown eyes and his lips I always want to explore. I've dated few men who leave everything on the table when they excuse themselves...wallet, phone, keys...and the I-have-nothing-to-hide transparency of something that simple continues to surprise me. It's what I've sought for long. I do trust the man. Mostly. Ha! I've been through the ringer. The next necessary step is for him to invite me over; we'll see if that happens and yeah, then I'll probably trust him more than I could imagine ever getting to again. Hell, it's not even about trust. I simply have the most fun and learn more in an easy way with him than I have ever. I value his presence. I've made some choices to approach my cash flow situation differently. Without seeing it in terms a permanent shortfall. That's what it's been feeling like. As if that wave was going to overtake me and send me tumbling. I'm just sticking to shallower water now until the seas calm down. I'm a flat water sheltered bay girl in any case. Time to stay in a safe harbor and tame my adventurous spirit. Pen

2/18/2018 2:58:11 PM
Heavens it was a TOUGH week. I did the hard stuff though. Made a few deadlines that were driving me batty. But I find I'm not handling stress as well as I used to. Now I've been knee deep in the muck plenty of times and struggled, but these present stressors...well, my emotional response seems out of proportion to the stimuli. And I'm back to an earlier version of Penny...the worrier that I thought I'd banished. Not last week. I could get myself tied in knots (not the good ones) over could happens and might happens and potentialities. I can see so many side of every issue that at times my head wants to explode. My secret? Sex as stress relief, the kinkier the better...escape to somewhere else so home seems like a haven when you return...and rationalize what I feel as complex physiological reactions. Well...the sex has dried up. Okay, so not really. I could have sex if really wanted to. But what I want changed. Like most women (and unlike myself usually) I want more. I want that mutual support/relationship almost more than I want the sex. And that's saying a lot. I still look. But I don't really follow thru to the culmination. The last man who was inside of me is TBH. And truly, I'd prefer him to all others but I've lost the skill in how to take it there. And when I want someone that much, my brain usually kicks in to fuck it up and distance myself. Relationships these past years have been more about pain than joy so my brain says "oh, no you don't...". Still though...I can hold to the image of that man's face across the dinner table and that grin! But of course, I've had him in MY bed now, so I'm sometimes haunted and dream of him being there...and endless kinky things I want to do to and with him. Except I wake up and he's not there. Ah well... I date. It's never as good as it is with him. Damn...he's in my head. Now I LOVE conversation. And I adore meeting new people even though most of the guys I meet want to sleep with me over be my friend. I end up wanting to be friends more. This weekend I met a guy in the same profession I am. Lots to talk of. I think we sat at the table for 5 hours talking away. I think he's fabulous. But I don't want a relationship with him. Some people are easy to be with since they're like you or they give and take equally. Others you make concessions to make them comfortable. Such was this. Darlin's please please never show up for a date in a tee and track pants. Guy casual is nice jeans and a collared shirt on a date; maybe a tee if you're just meeting for coffee during the day. But if you insist that you'll go anywhere as long as you don't have to dress nice...well you shouldn't be on a date. Sigh. If a woman can find a decent pair of jeans (and boys you have no idea how hard that really is to do!), y'all can manage to do the same. More later. Pen

2/14/2018 9:09:33 PM
Today was better. Last night tough. I went new age'y. I still haven't unpacked my mineral specimens. I call them specimens; some call them crystals. And yes some are purported to influence energy channels in the body if you believe in such things. I'm a skeptic most of the time. But I'll also try anything since heaven knows there are too many mysteries in the world we have not explained. I look up a few of the bigger rocks. But some here and there. Pyrite and black tourmanline I used to keep on either side of the entries to the old place. I figured what the heck, try it here. Selenite is my favorite. In wands or a rough graduated column; you can't get it wet or it will melt. It's cool and linear and translucent like ice would be if it turned to a rock. And selenite always calms me. I touch it and my body hums. Not in an exciting way, but rather like a magnetic air conditioner...I'm drawn to it or maybe it pulls the ickies from me and it cools me down. Not in a depressing way but in a lower-my-blood-pressure-cat-purring-peaceful kind of a way. Hey, anything that helps I'll try. I even put a few rocks under my pillows and slept with the center of tension at the base of my neck on a tourmaline slab last night. I can't say it made me terribly productive today, but I felt better. And better is just what I needed to feel. Actually I did good. Solo last night, so washed linens and made my children's beds replete with chocolate filled heart boxes on their pillows. Many grins afterschool when they returned today. I had a deadline; but when I write for purpose...sigh...I have such expectations of myself. It's always original; I don't think I'ver ever gotten more than 2% on turnitin. And good and engaging and geared toward the audience. Citations perfect; prose tight. But the process when I HAVE to do it...OMG...notes and ideas and I read other research and it just percolates...And I NEVER want to HAVE to write. I just want to write like I do here. Just let the words come from me instead of having to be tailored toward bullshit guidelines that make others cross their eyes at having to read it. But I did it. And it's good. It's always good. That's one thing I can do well. And make a kick ass applecrisp which was today's valentine's dessert; the first thing I ever learned to make back when there was home ec in schools. The scent filled the house and was happy making. Maybe next time when I'm blue I'll just boil some lemon peels and spices on the stove to see if it comforts. I almost bought flowers today. But it's a luxury I can't afford. If I shop at my local grocery tomorrow they'll be giving away roses as we check out instead of having to throw them all away. No, no candy or flowers for me. But I'm not a big celebrator of commerical holidays. But oh, I do love flowers. I just don't like watching them wither and die. Tomorrow I may gather a wild bouquet from the wildness near the water; today it was too much artifice. I'm solo but not...tonight my house is full with children tucked in their beds, bellies filled with a kickass dinner and applecrisp a la mode. And tomorrow I'll meet the girls I'm closest with and tell them for real how much I'm struggling. I need some handholding right now. But I think I've managed to work a deal to keep the wolf from the door just long enough. I'm learning to leverage when I can though it's not a skill I ever wanted to have. I'd rather be pure than manipulative. Though maybe it's just smart. Thank y'all who reached out. If I only had the words to express how much it means. Keep it coming if you will. I know there's another side to this too, just gotta get there. Pen

2/13/2018 5:26:51 PM
When I first moved here at age 23 from a much smaller town and world view, I hit agencies in Manhattan looking for whatever job would pay me the most so I could stay. My family told me if I left, I could not come back to my hometown. Of course they spent subsequent years trying to convince me to return. I remember it was Columbus Day as there was a parade in NYC. And I got offered a bunch of jobs but had to take the one that paid most...finance at the time. I don't do that anymore, and blessedly doubt I'll wear as suit again if I can avoid it. But I remember betting it all to come here. Money was running out and there were days I could not eat. It's not the same now, but it feels that way. And there are similarities. Big changes. New career directions. Financial constraints. But I'd rather clear out my pantry than not pay my bills. I am not going back to the feast or famine state of my marriage. But I am so much happier with money. Hell, admit it, we all are. No, it's not the single thing that makes us happy. But resources are freedom and I need to be free to explore and experience the world the way I want to. That is beyond want for me. It's need. I feel like all the money I've spent to get divorced. All the systems in place for so much of life have real system failures. Of course I've been researching systems theory, so that's part of it. I tend to live what makes sense to me. Or at least apply it. But I look at all the systems my life touches. Education. Works for some. And I'm a big proponent. Healthcare. Amazing people work in healthcare; and the system is incredibly fucked up. Our legal system. You'd think laws and consequences, right? There's little enforcement vehicle for all but the most heinous of crimes. Oh you'll get a piece of paper and judge saying you get this or that, but try to actually enforce it. And you find you'll be paying attorneys off for a few years but there is never any real peace or truth. I'm frustrated. And I'm partly to blame because I do believe the best of people. And I certainly haven't pursued my own opportunities as vigorously as I could. I don't want to leave my children. I don't want to not be here. And I don't want to feel bad again like I did for so long. But I do. I'm back in a place that is somber and I cry and worry like the wife I was when I was married. I thought freedom would free me from that too. I know I'm going to have to work harder for it. But I am...I just need one person to be nice to me. A hug or two, A handhold. To just tell me they're on my team. Things LOOK pretty close to perfect here. I've made this little house cool. A parent who has known me before and now came by today. He's an artist and he admired the way we are making it work. And of course the wildlife can sometimes me spectacular. I can still make people laugh. And care about others more than myself. That is who I am. But I truly want to get back to that positivity of just a few months ago when I thought I was on the otherside of it all. Now I feel like I'm in the muck again. Throw me a rope please.... Pen

2/12/2018 6:28:28 AM
I dreamt of the tap tap of my heels last night and my stocking clad legs as I walked around my bed deciding what to do with the man blindfolded and tied to my bed. Sadly it was just a dream. It's been awhile since I've gone Domme with all the bells and whistles. Quite frankly it's been awhile since I've gone feminine instead of my usual casual uniform. But I need a reason to put on a dress and heels. Or whatever naughties I'll wear underneath. It would be lovely to have friend to help me get corseted again as I've lost the knack of lacing myself in solo. I prefer a man blindfolded. They're such visual creatures, nearly entirely so. It stretches a man more to not know what is coming next and to use his other senses to wonder and titilate. I'd bend him over the side of my bed, ass out, legs on the floor. Spread his feet apart with rope secured to either end of the bed. Leave him open and vulnerable to whatever I chose. Not every man can take what I can give hard. If you need pain, I will have you biting my pillows in a silent scream. Though I prefer a man who fights it with varied whimpers and hisses. I've been more curious about ass play, though the mess sometimes makes me hesitate. Yes, bi men know to not eat much and enema themselves to clean and empty first. Most others feel hell, if you're going to fuck my ass, that's gift enough and don't prep. Often there's no mess. But push it or have a longer cock and then yes, there's the ick factor. But I confess that I can get past that. I have a fascination with prostate stimulation. A lubed gloved hand sounds so clinical but can bring such enlightenment. You'd need trust. And enought confidence to push. I don't always have that confidence unless I know I'm adored. And then...then I can go anywhere. All the past weekend of grey and rain were ducks in the water. Mallards, one of my fav sounds is the whimsy of a quack. They were already in pairs with spring still months off. Everyone gliding or flying by in units of two. And yeah, it brought pangs of desire to me for that connection too. Though truly I enjoy the freedom I have...I find sharing makes what I do and have more enjoyable. And I do share my life with my little family, but the tuck in with someone I like who is decided male and mature and has experience to share and boundaries to push and be pushed...we'll y'all are on here looking for the same thing. Pen

2/10/2018 6:09:34 PM
Easy tonight. I took a nap. Pasta puttanesca, greens with classic dijon vinagrette, and a couple glasses of old vine sin. Ha! That's Zin. I wish I had a taste of sin this eve. And two halves of cookies I found today. Blackout - heavy cocoa content, almonds and macadamias and a few mini marshmallows melted on top. And classic ginger molasses with coarse sugar sprinkled on top. I love the mouth feel of a little crunch. Though I also love the mouth feel of flesh. I wish I could bite someone tonight. Every now and then I crave to mark and be marked... Pen

2/10/2018 2:00:05 PM
My drive to Princeton today...I saw an alley exhibit on Keat's negative capability. "That is, when one is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason....". Ha! It was a rather like a spank back in the face of my reductionist approach. I'm determined to stop clinically pulling interactions and emotions apart to reduce them to fact and reason. I truly think it's not just making me unhappy, but others as well. It's not quite...nice. Time to enjoy what IS. And continue to make opportunites for the exploration I so need, whether I can share them or not. Pen

2/10/2018 6:09:57 AM
I think I need to appreciate myself and all the things I can do solo (and actually do them!) again. It was not unusual for me to dine solo in all sorts of places. Sure there'd be that slight unease walking in and sitting at the bar alone as my Gran taught me sitting at a bar alone is no place for a lady. I've many outmoded checks and balances that I tear right through most times. But there are moments like lately when I have more trouble getting out of my own head. Now I know I've always been a thinker but there's a balance to an active mind and one that can let you rest. And my mind has not been restful lately. Always a problem, that. It's a useful brain for solving problems and persistence. And heaven knows I learn from my reflections. But there are things I know I need for its health. To always seek learning opportunities. Conversation. Visual and tactile stimulation. Challenges. I suppose my current discomfort is one of those challenges. I may have had an anxiety attack this week. The first in years. And I'm pissed at myself as I've certainly dealt with more stressors than this in the past. And managed, though of course y'all have read of my pain. I did drive to the other side of the state today. Lovely Princeton. Very early; I practically opened one of my fav cafes but frou frou food pleases me now and then. Goat cheese, smoked salmon, and capers omelette with a pot of tea and classic greens with dijon vinagrette. It's not very au courant food; it's like something I'd have as a rare treat in college when my fav restaurant was Le Petit Cafe. I've always loved cafes even before the days you could haunt them with an ipad and write. I always had a book in my bag. I'm finding myself easily moved to tears. Less so then earlier in the week but still more than my usual self. Like most of us I feel my chest tighten a bit, my breath catch, and then the prick of moisture. Now it's also the first sign I show of allergies. But then I wonder if there's something physiological wrong. Certainly I can get heart palpitations and I've been to a cardiologist; it's fine...another uncomfortable symptom of perimenopause. So then I wonder if the tightness is some physical malfunction and precedes the stress or the reverse. So there my mind works...it's reductionist...trying always to reduce what I feel into the explainable. And simple. FEELING is uncomfortable because I know what it is to feel too much. Yet I'd give almost anything to to sink into sensation again. I think in some ways I do need a Dom. With whom it's expected that I will sink in. And let him take care of me as I do him. I want that dynamic in a real sense though. In a I-have-your-back-you-have-mine way. To count on and be counted on. To be that phone call at the end of the day that brings a smile to each others faces. I don't know that I've ever been that good at relationships. I've certainly wanted to be. And I'm smarter now so you'd think I'd get it. Like most women, I get ahead of myself. You spend time with a man and you see yourselves doing this and that and so on. We are very good at building inner expectations, telling no one of them, then feeling bereft when they don't happen. One of our defining mysteries that befuddles men. And if we thought about it, we'd stop giving our partners a hard time for not being able to read our minds. It's crazy making even for us. And we know better but our minds just GO there. I'm not the only solo woman here at the cafe. And we are all older. I suppose I'd fit better in this town of academics though I'm not nearly as smart as I'm told I am. My skills just seem to fit academia. Though sh....I can't bear intellectual discussion for long. I'd much rather DO than THINK. I'd much rather experience than ponder. I've been spoiled. I'd rather wake on a Saturday and pull a warm man out of my bed to start a day with breakfast out and then have an adventure. It would be a plus if he were an adventure in himself. Am I getting to old to feel this way? I wonder why I want that guy so much and if it's that particular man I want? Pen

2/8/2018 7:38:40 PM
I'm emotional as of late. And I'm uncomfortable with it. It's a multitude of stimuli. Really non-stimuli as the winter doldrums are a bit tough to dig out of. My physical enviroment is certainly part of it. This house isn't well lit and it was a tough adjustment to a woman who prefers bright, bright light everywhere. A north facing bedroom that I've kept intentionally empty is dull; khaki walls don't help. I figured it would be at least be soothing. And I suppose that it is. But it reminds me of the places I grew up in with their 24 watt bulbs and you could only keep one lamp on in one room at a time. Everything was rationed. Food, electricity, how much water you could put in the tub, books, affection. I suppose part of why it's been so hard for me with financial concerns is that I feel I'm raising my children with privations as I keep saying no because I must make it last. It's not nearly like me; but I am driven to live differently than how I was raised. I did visit the court today in an effort to enforce the support order. I did not gain peace of mind. But I did gain an understanding of the system that my opponent does not (yes, I've begun to think of him as an opponent). I ended up reaching out to said opponent. I was frank and polite and real that it will be another weekend like all the other weekends since he missed the support in December. We'll stay here and I'll piece together stopgaps and cheap meals. And I keep saying no to clothing and new sneakers. I told him I won't take them anywhere and that we both had wanted better for them. We will go for a drive, but that's gas of course. Everything costs. I think it made an impression. But I still can't catch up with such a huge sum missing. But I'll try and I'll work harder. It feels llike I've placed my children into the life I escaped from and I think that's why I feel so dispirited. Though of course it's not. It just doen't feel that way. I can rationalize til the cows come home and understand intellectually these are simply temporary cash flow problems. But what I feel is not recuping back to my optimistic base as quickly as it usually does. I feel a pang now when I go to bed as I miss TBH's head on my pillows. The rough texture of his chest, the smoothness of his lovely waxed back, strong hands...but mostly just the companionship though he snores. I probably do too. A small price for his heat. So now I think of him in places that are mine and I want him back here. But I'm also a pretty damn needy girl right now, so I'll keep my distance. Cuck was going to stop in his travels this weekend. But of course he's up to his old tricks again. El disappearo. IDK why I started to talk to him again as I know better. And truly I would've told him no. I pick TBH. I just wish I could see the man more. But you know what they say about familiarity. Still I must feel rejected on some level. But then my ego and confidence is fragile right now. I don't know if it's that need or if it's true, but think it's time for one guy. Do people over 50 do that? It seems the only way to meet folks is through non tradional means and morally I'm a pretty tradional girl. I feel as if I'm closer to 70 to say it, but I want companionship. Even more than sex. And I don't feel terribly sexual right now. I did take a nap in my daughter's sunny room with the sun pouring on my face. I ate incredibly healthy when I could finally eat. Then I fixed the things I could with help. Hanging something. Liquid nailing some repairs. Tacos that my youngest now hates (Tacos again???) which is the best way to get multiple meals out of leftovers. I don't want to worry or work this hard to stretch. And it shouldn't be necessary. But due dates come and go and the expected becomes no longer something I can count on. So it's got to be me to take on more away from my children to make more so I control this more than someone I already know is not dependable. This is a rant and a bit depressing today, but I'm trying to emply not just my head but a heart that aches. I will keep doing and using this negative energy to achieve things. But I remain a pretty unhappy camper. Pen

2/7/2018 10:17:40 AM
Struggling with the blues again this morn. I think it's just that I miss people. People mitigate whatever it is that I'm feeling. And the visual and auditory stimulation I appreciate. Yes, the new place is a haven. It's also VERY quiet. Add these cold to frigid days (hail this morning) and anything would feel like a cage. Top it with fiscal restraints and must do's that are singlarly lacking in rewards, well...you get the idea. Thank heavens for TBH and the weekend. To know I'm capable of feeling something other than blue is a good thing. But truly I am crying at real and imagined scenarios. I'd make a great tragic actress now as I can turn on the waterworks by thinking about someone being kind to me or something awful happening to someone else. Empathy can be a good thing until you live in that state. I feel like I'm crying for everyone in pain today. Now most people who know me now think of me as this level-headed analytical sort. IDK if I am. I know those skills are hard fought and took me a long time to learn. As a young woman all I did was FEEL after a rough childhood as a sensitive child. I think of myself as nearly pure emotion. But I do practice mindfulness, that word everyone is using these days. Sort of an internal dialogue. Okay I feel this. This is why. Or I'm not sure why. It's normal and I feel it in response to... I'm having these physical manisfestations. Are they appropriate or inappropriate to the stimulus? I suppose I distance myself from how and what I feel. For so long feeling equalled pain to me. And I think sometimes I'm still stuck there. I'm afraid to feel too much. But at least I know it. And I know I want relationships in my life that are going to affect me deeply. But the absence of them also has an effect. So I'd rather feel blue on occasion with someone I love than blue without them. The human condition. I at least completed work despite my lack of focus. There is a positive hit of peace/relief in that. I woke solo, slept in to the sound of hail hitting the roof. The cats must've known I needed rest and didn't start their morning "feed me" yowls. But I've worked from home in cat pjs and my Mr. Roger's sweater with a fancy museum scarf wrapped around my neck (so much for y'all who thought I was an elegant sort). Though the gift romantic interests unfailingly give me are fancy scarves from museum gift shopes. So maybe I have my moments. I'm not truly sexy though. I wear mostly hiking pants in outdoor fabrics, travelers clothing, that make me acceptable in most restaurants. Plain clothing. The only things that stand out are my hair in some shade of red and my lips are full and usually painted in a bold color. There was a time I was sexy but not I don't want my clothing to get me too noticed or to get in the way of things I have to do. It's a uniform. But dressing for a party I don't go much further than finding some black panties and a bra, maybe some stockings, and some texurally interesting lingerie. I dont like being exposed despite what I do with my internal life here. I wish I could find a contemporary male like me who would write his interior life for me to read. We don't know, y'all, how, when, and if men think about such things. It would be nice to know I'm not alone in my ponderings. Pen

2/5/2018 6:39:59 AM
I've gone back to previous haunts, ensconced in Starbucks.  It's a big one, filled with others typing and reading away on their laptops.   A surprising amount of men my own age though all are bearded or fuzzy as if they just rolled out of bed on a weekend.   Several have that fuzz on the back of their necks which is when I take my sons in for new haircuts.   Men love facial hair; women do not.  But both agree it is a very masculine look.    Unless it's a well trimmed goatee, I'm apt to click next.   Even then, it's a sacrifice to my skin as kissing (and I do love kissing) a man with facial hair leaves my face scratched and raw.   

Crawling into bed last night alone I had a pang for TBH.  So odd to have him in my space.   But a really really good idea.   I haven't really entertained anyone and I wasn't sure how to.  But he's an easy sort and makes himself at home wherever he goes.  Or at least he does when he's with me.  He has an interesting face, a little craggy and he's too thin but he would not agree.   But it's his grin that appeals most, which appears often.  He's generous and expressive with his smile.   Ours is not the most passionate of connections, but I have never been with a man I've enjoyed more.   He's teaches me perspective and opens my world to new and wonderful experiences as he's mostly fearless.   I can push aside fear, but I'm often too polite to just go for things sometimes.   

I can't say I've totally shaken the blues though TBH was good medicine indeed.   It IS hormonal related though I've learned which helps to explain my resting state of near tears.   Warmth, connection and contact is the cure I know.  And blessedly my house is full of children again after their weekend with their dad.   My daughter leaning against me on the couch last night, the scent of her curls against my shoulder...felt as if all was well with the world.  That's what those children bring to me.   And my before dawn wakeup cheffing for them is something I look forward to as much as they do.   I wish I could be a stay at home mom more as truly it has been both the best and hardest part of my life.    I was moving some boxes still to be put away and just pulled out an odd photo or two.   One was of me in the big kitchen in the old house, pj'ed and uncombed, with a baby on my shoulder.   I was looking at my other two toddler at a tiny table set up with their breakfast in the kitchen with one of those kids' kitchens in the corner behind them.   My eyes had dark circles under them as the sleepless of us who care for babies do.    And I thought, OMG, how did I DO that?   I wasn't young when I had mine.   And I wasn't well prepared.  Nor did I have a supportive husband.  A husband, yes, but he wasn't home much and certainly paid me no attention.   But despite exhaustion, being overwhelmed, and unappreciated, it was a beautiful time too.  I still can't believe those small forms have become these beautiful people.   But they have always been loved and always will be and won't have the doubt I grew up with.   And I did a good, possibly great job, that continues.   What this all amounts to is to remind y'all what you've heard a thousand times.  Stay-at-home moms have the hardest job in the world.  And I've done both.  But leaving my business and being able to stay with those children as long as I did was and will always be the best I've ever done.    So look at the women (and men) who do the same in your life and remind them how amazing they are.  And give them time for a nap as well as those valentine's flowers in a few weeks.

Heavens, I write and I tear up.  I think and I tear up.   And I'm not precisely unhappy or even sad.  Perhaps a little wistful, but I grin and tear up when I close my eyes and can put myself back into moments from this weekend with TBH.   Happy.   But there are things I need that I can't achieve at the moment.    And there are serious issues ahead.   I'm a woman who has learned not to procrastinate.  Got something to do or a problem?  Just do it.  Otherwise I'll think and think and think and drive myself mad.   It's never my intent, but that is the way of my brain...always working.    That's why you find me here writing an epistle so many days.  

Be well folks.   Wish me a little peace.  

Pen 

2/4/2018 11:42:11 AM
What an interesting weekend. I let TBH in to my little haven. Now I'm not a natural hostess or socially adept. Though there are times in my life that I've faked it very well, the whole time with butterfies in my stomach feeling utterly out of my depth. Fake it till you make it. Well...there's some truth to that. I was convinced he wouldn't show though we'd played with the idea of him journeying this wey. But I'll give the man this, he follows through. The long lean length of him didn't invade or feel awkward, but then we've always been surprisingly easy with each other. He stayed the weekend. And at times I found it baffling that the man I'd imagined in my bed actually was in my space. The places I'd found that I wanted to so much to experience with him, we did. My fav restaurant with their wondrous margies. A cool business owned by a muscian to share with him. Live music in small venues in Asbury Park. Showing him the town and the coast and the beauty of my corner of the world. It wasn't really kinky except for a bite or two. And I did catch my hair on fire. Truly. You know I've been craving staying in on a cold night, with great conversation, drinking a tad too much wine and just enjoying connection. A warning. If you're going to light candles, don't laugh so hard you lean back and catch your hair on fire. The scent of singed hair is not conducive to romance. But can be a great source for endless jokes about how "fires me up," or how "enflamed" I am for him... Ha! Blessedly I'm quick. Not harm and. You can't even tell. But I've moved the candles to Penny-proof the room. Aside from his company and the pleasure of sharing my bed with him, snores and all, we have an interesting effect on each other. I think we both learn and experience new things. He's intrepid. More so than I even. My fail safe is politeness. He's a mannerly guy, but he's also one who like to poke folks. He may open a door for me, but pat my ass discretely as I enter. I keep hearing his voice saying "I want to be inside of you". In my head. OMG. And yes, he was. And yes, he's lovely. And yes, I write this still filled with his cum. This morning we rested post after he'd filled me doggy style. He behind me, his cock still inside plugging the cum from running down my ass and thighs. Darlings, there's nothing so hot as that. I came again from just the stretch of my pussy filled with him. No movement, just mindfulness of that different stretch and his heat filling me. But all the circle of my pussy lips could feel was his girth keeping me open for him. I came just from that sensation. He's vocal. Dirty in bed. It's such a turn on. This morning I held down his hands above his head as I straddled him from above, running the lips of my wetness along his hardness. And when he told me he needed to be inside of me, I told him no. I like his taste to, particularly when he tastes of me. On some level, as attachment wary as I am, I want to possess a man. The taste of me on him feels as if I do, even though I recognize the illusion. So too do I want to be owned sexually at times (hell, often). To me a man filling me with his cum gives me a primal sense of possession. That he owns my pussy. I want him to just take me and fill me and use me hard. But this weekend was less about sex than just chilling with someone I like. In some ways I think the way we enjoy exploring new places and seeking experiences supersedes our sexual pursuits. I really am less driven sexually and more about the quality of the total interaction rather than just getting to the fuck. Tucked up to a little table together with his margie and my cocacola, surrounded by hipsters and our chins on our hands, we were both grinning at the energy of the performace on stage. He's just easy to be with. And we don't get too many folks in our lives who are easy to be with. I've always been of the opinion that is how it should be. When you play tour guide to a smart guy, he can change your perspective of your own world and encourage you to go to places you just don't see anymore because familiarity has bred blindness. I may have found some new sanctuaries apart from my little haven here to explore. He is so much fun. And I'm grateful. Pen

2/2/2018 6:23:05 AM
Still fighting the blues and tears. I'm struggling with issues I thought dealt with and over, and still need to somehow come up with a retainer for still another attorney when rainy funds have been decimated. Too much rain. And I think I feel so beaten down that when the sun comes out I'm too wary to move. Not good. Though people are being kind. I'm out of my depth with a new endeavor, filled with folks more experienced than I. When we introduced ourselves and discussed our backgrounds, my last career seemed exciting to many though it was in a dying industry. I forget I do have skills as I begin to learn new ones with people who are all more skilled than I. They're kind though. I'm honest. I admit how intimidated by the roomful of more skilled folks than I am. A lovely woman from the team behind mine reached out to remind me that I can do things they can't. And that is true. The belief that what happens is meant to has been something I've held to for a long time. But I supposed I expected the other side of so much hard stuff to remain peaceful and that I'd have more control than I feel I have. And somehow I thought I'd be more appealing than I think I am. A 52 yr old divorced woman with children, however wonderful they may be, is so limited by what she can do. I can't really travel for any length of time other than long weekends. I have to pay close attention to money and time. I have an ex who creates stress despite being an ex. My body isn't as young or fit as it likely should be, even for 52. And I'm lonely as hell. My energy has always been my light, that thing that made me shine but it feels as if it's shuttered now. Perhaps it's partly that I feel pretty out of touch with my sexual self since I'm not indulging regularly. I know my tactile self is starving, even a massage right now would help. But luxuries must wait. Just facing another cold weekend solo makes me sad, though I don't know that I have the wherewithal to actually do anything. I'll work of course; there's much to be done there. And I'll see my elderly friend. But it's hard to even talk of the stressors without sounding as I do here...but no one really wants me it seems and I suppose I'm a woman who needs to be wanted. I just find far too many folks aren't who they pretend to be, lack that essential moral compass that remains important to me, or set you up for expectations they have no intention of meeting. I end up not liking people much, though I know better. I'n just having trouble shaking it. I'll write this weekend for work...none of it fun, so I'll make it productive and if I don't procrastinate, I expect I'll feel better for it on Sunday. I wish my policy had behavioral health coverage, this would be a good time to talk to a pro and maybe sort out the transitions that have defined the past year and figure out why I'm having such a hard time coping. My girl tells me none of these current pressure are actually my fault and she's right. But it's still up to me to solve it. And there aren't any good solutions. Sigh. Pen

1/31/2018 7:34:29 PM
I've grown blue and I can't seem to shake it. There are stressors and I'm barely staying ahead of the wave, but it's more than that. I feel very alone. My confidence is at a low even though I know I have more capability than I currently feel. And I'm seeing myself somehow lesser. My thoughts are sad and my cynicism is high. I'm hoping it's primarily hormonal fluctuations. But as I face still another solo weekend where I'll work to try to make it somewhat valuable, I just don't feel good. Budget prevents me from saying fuck it and heading to NYC for tea and a museum though I need it. Ah well, if I'm going to feel like crap, I might as well tackle crap jobs like paperwork still to be sorted including ones from the divorce that can go into the shred box. This lovely little place is beginning to feel like a nunnery and I like a dried up grumpy girl. Pen

1/27/2018 7:57:07 AM
The Professor asked me to brunch tomorrow. I've grown frustrated with him. I know, I know...I said I didn't want to date him in the first place, but I had a "give it a try moment" when we had dinner last. But you have to think if I said no to him twice before there must've been a reason. He tries every week or so to ask me out. Usually for a day I can't make. But he hasn't ever asked me outright when I AM available so I keep saying no. I suppose I should leave the kiddos and go on a date, but I'd rather not leave them alone when I don't have to. And there's something weird about a guy who reaches out every week or so who doesn't continue the conversation via text or otherwise. It's just not what I need. I need some regularity in my interactions. Not everyday, but don't we all need some indication we are more than an afterthought? Pen

1/23/2018 7:16:17 PM
Clearly I'm undergoing a bit of shift in what I want, but I do know regular sex is generally good for my temperment and meets those tactile needs I have so strongly. I got back on that horse over the weekend and really forced myself to go to a party. Yes, one of THOSE parties! But since the last one wasn't to my taste, I had decided boundaries this time. Men who wanted to touch were permitted a zone, lower than the tops of my stockings and above the neckline of my lingerie. They push as they always do...those I whacked with a spatula my host gave me for the purpose. So I'll admit it, I love hitting men, especially spanking asses. Fortunately there were enough women at the party to make it sociable for me. Otherwise I feel like a piece of meat among slavering wolves. There's something to just being in the same room with women who are unabashedly sexual, open and accepting that feels like a benign sisterhood. Younger men who play with older women seem to have this grocery list in their heads. They do whatnot to seduce us. Then inevitably it's "ride me" or "suck my cock." Darling I'm at a party to be ridden hard, not to ride you. And I'll suck a cock if it's attached to a guy I like, really like, who is a giver and not someone just waiting for me to work my way through his list. But these guys love it when they're told no. They ask for my number and try to get together. But I don't want to even if I had the time. Maybe a young guy sure is lovely to look at and can fuck over and over. But they lack grace. I have always been attracted to men older than I. Dating mid 40s men when I was in my 20s until they'd settle down and buy a house trying to trap me there with them. Then I'd leave town...literally. I've always been a sucker for a bit of sophistication, wit, manners, and skill in the bedroom. Of course now I complain that that older man is now an OLD man and that won't do. But it's time I got over myself. I'm not a young woman myself, however unwrinkled my face. 11 years older than I has always been my sweet spot. Today I realized my ex turned 55 recently when my children asked how old he was. I was astonished that he's now a senior. And it brought it home that I'm not that far behind...he wasn't amused when I suggested a nice little house in an adult community...I find the notion appealing myself, but of course I have children at home so I can't. I like grownups. I like conversation that is not pompous, but real and enlightening and a bit unfiltered. And yes, I had sex at the party. On my terms. Safe of course. But the real benefit I get besides orgasms is the ego boost plain and simple. It's lovely to be the center of a group, making them laugh. Or to have men offer up their ass to me to spank. One asked me if I was a "regular." I asked my host since I can go months without showing up if I were. He responded, "you're not a regular; you're an insider." Lovely. And that of course is part of the appeal...we're like a family who get each other in a way. An incestuous one maybe (and don't read anything into that; I have no tolerance for such). But I do like the group. And then when I was leaving, one the men who I just talked to, didn't even fuck...said "Penny, what I enjoy about you is that you're like the coworker every guy wants to fuck."Yes, words like that touch this middle aged dame. I was able to chat with an extreme sports guys into board sports who couldn't believe how cool I was when I brought up custom Vans. I didn't mention he reminded me of my youngest son...And no I did not fuck him. The young ones...well, I think I now know for sure to stay away from them. No grace. They don't get basics. If youre inviting a girl over for the first time, turn on all the lights, wait at the door, have wine, talk first...Seduce her for heavens sake even if fucking is a foregone conclusion. I was free this evening and drove to a potential hookup. 50 minutes each way to my old haunt when I had a cuck. But he didn't make the effort, clueless young man. I texted him and he still didn't get it though he eventually apologized for not making me comfortable as he should have. I changed my mind and never even went in and drove the 50 minutes back home. Funny that a little dark chococate with pistachios and single malt are my choice over that beautiful young thing. I want to kiss. I want a man I want to kiss more than I want to fuck him. I want the sound of his voice to be better than fucking him. I would love a proper bedtime story from a rumbly male voice tucked in next to me; it's the most comforting of all. And I want our conversation to become something I crave. Mind you, I want him to be superman (even a one round superman ) in the sack. But I want to want the man first. But I think until he enters my life (and I'm certain he will), I'll keep going to the parties and be Penny the sex maven. That's my superpower you know. Pen

1/19/2018 6:17:17 PM
Hmmm...I almost don't recognize myself. Who is this woman who is not pursuing several possibilities of sex? I think I'm turning into a regular girl rather than my usual nympho libido levels. Not that regular girls don't like to fuck. But a great many of them like to fuck men they care about rather than just any old decent cock. Or new decent cock. I may be lazy. For once my life isn't quite so HARD though right now is a challenge. Part of me wants to be lazy and stay the status quo, peace and all that. The effort and awkwardness of being with anyone the first time doesn't appeal. Being with the same old doesn't appeal. Perhaps I read too many books with a romantic substory over break. I want to want the man. Not just grin and bear him to get some cock. I want banter. Wrestling. Laughter. Affection. Tenderness. While at the same time I want to be used hard. But you get one without the other and it's just not there for me. I'm not gonna break. But so too I'm a woman and I want a guy to go all alpha on me in bed on occasion. Okay most of the time. Friday night is nearly singles night at Whole Foods. If I wasn't shy I'd maybe approach some of those guys composing their dinners at the hot foods bar. I'm doing the same thing after all. But making the first move is something I've never been able to do. I can be encouraging, but nope. You'd think I'd be at the "fuck it" age by now. In some ways yes. But there's still a rather traditionally valued girl at heart here, despite my explorations. Home to odd and ends from WF's, another silent night, and candles galore. As beautiful as it is here, it is too quiet for me. I miss the noisy road of the old house. Always someone around. Here it's utterly silent. Though there were quacks in the backyard as I arrived home. I would not be happy in the country. I'm not particularly happy in suburbia even with the coastal characterization of this place. Put me in an apartment with a deck on Main Street and I'd do better. People to watch. Noises to wake me. Grabbing breakfast or a drink from a place I can walk to. Eventually I'll likely settle there. Ungrateful wench I am. My chiropractor released some of the pent up stress in my body today and I continued it with yoga at home. I don't even need to drink more than mineral water this evening. But it's so dull I may just go to bed now. I rejoined a sex site in an effort to get my mojo back, but IDk that I even want to respond. Pen

1/19/2018 11:05:02 AM
I could fuck a host of strangers and a few lifestylers I know well should I choose to this weekend. Sigh...but it's not strangers I want to fuck. Now I'm not looking for a new husband either. The cold weekends combined with my own propensity for connection have me wanting more. I would love simply having a conversation in bed. Naked would be even better. I've been spending so much solo time here that the felines have begun to bond more to me than their respective child. They're lovely company, graceful and just gorgeous, and I could tell them all my secrets...but they aren't gonna talk back. I need stimulation. I'll have it should I spend the weekend working, which is what I just may do. But given a choice, I'd pick a weekend in bed coming up for air and fluid when necessary. The shower here is tall and roomy and I've never shared it with anyone. Ah well, that seems the way of it..when I do have time there's no one to share it with. And when I don't have the time, I get all sorts of invitations I have to turn down. It drives me mad. I'm past due for a weekend lost in carnality and kink. Pen

1/17/2018 5:30:33 PM
Challenging, today. But I need to remember there are solutions to my problems. Not everyone is so fortunate. Though it's stressful and my body is feeling its anxiousness in places from head to toe. Touch would soothe right now. A massage would be divine, but I can't afford that luxury since my cash flow is headed back into Apple's coffers. But some tools we need to work and that's one of them. I feel it though. It's tight financially. And so is my body at present. My ex used to called me a "squirrel" as I'd squirrel away a back up and a back up for my back up when it came to the household. My Gran taught me well. Never fly without a net. So I did into my Gran's recipes for stretching things. And tricks I used ages ago...like the classic French dijon vinagrette I made back in the 80s when nouvelle cuisine and all things French were vogue. You can put that vinagrette on just about anything and it tastes good as I did this evening. Time to defrost my tucked away rainy day supplies and prepare more rather then buy pre-prepped. This is, even downsized, a house of comfort, and there are ample resources even if I'm uncomfortable using my backups. It's that proverbial rainy day. I would love to fuck, to escape. And this feeling reminds me why I was so driven to do just that in the past. I needed escape and fucking beats out the standards of drinking or less healthy options. I may hit a party for lack of a better choice at present. Dating and getting to know folks seems to take weeks and weeks. And I haven't the patience for it. I'd rather just meet and yay or nay it from there. I remember a few times I felt like this in the past and friends would pull me away and out and get me moving elsewhere for the weekend. But I've been too protective of this space and of myself to let anyone too far in, so I'll solo my way through. This IS just temporary. But I'm not sleeping at all well. And my spine feels fused. Tomorrow I begin a new project, so I'm just putting one foot in front of the other at present. Late this afternoon, a great blue graced the end of the yard. Tides have been running high, so I expect the fishes have moved to the shallows. Generally they're so cautious when observed, but he didn't know I was watching. Glorious creatures with those long long legs. Though it was frigid so his long neck was tucked deep into his plumage and he was as puffed out as I'ver ever seen a heron before. He was exquisite. See that's the stuff that priceless. Pure beauty. Wine has me drowsy though in my current mood a depressant is the last thing I need. Please oh please, let something just work soon. Endless mess ups it seems at present... Pen

1/16/2018 7:09:42 PM
It's me time. Solo. Though Darling Dom and I had dinner this evening. We confessed that we both needed to get out as this weather isn't conductive to boardwalking. I wonder sometimes if it's dating I miss so much or it's just sharing dinner and conversation. Of course I do just that with my family. And their interests are varied and intelligent, so dinner conversation can run the gamut. But talking about history and bullshit and relationships and venting are things you need to do with friends who get you and where you came from. He has plans for change and a long term commitment to a woman who at long last appreciates him as he should be. He's a good good guy. We talked how, as frustrating as this forum can be here with glitches, we've both met the most people here before as collarme and now as collarspace. Some ended up great friends. A few relationships as I learned D/s and what's what in the rocky road world of kink. Master/slave no way no how. Bondage, yessss...please tie me up. Hurt you? I'd rather not. Fuck your ass? Welllll...I have...It's not my fav...but if you really need it...Blindfold you, bind you, and sensually torture you while I whisper filth in your ear...now that, darlings, is me. That while you hear the tap tap of my heels and I look at you tied and vulnerable and decide how I can make you gasp next. I've been saving my fancy stockings as they get runs. One man may be lucky enough to be tied to the bed with those. I have one in mind but it'll take an invitation into his world to bring him mine. I am trustworthy and kind when I don't fuck up...and I take very good care of who's mine. But then I do want to be taken care of too. Mostly I want to be pushed against a wall, a thigh opening mine and he reaches down to feel the wetness through my panties. Kissed, deep and hard and delicious til I'm panting for him. I want my head held between his hands as he kisses me and calls me his delicious fuck toy. And I want to be pushed on the bed, grabbed by the neck, and fucked hard and deep and rough. I want to scream in orgasm. And I want it to be so hot he's afraid they heard us the next down over. Sigh...these are thoughts that come to me with a full belly, tucked in with cats at either end of the sectional. Add a dim lamp and candles everywhere and well my romantic side comes out. Of course my romantic side isn't so much candles and flowers though I appreciate both more than you can imagine. But rather it's lets wallow in kink and take each other on an adventure. When I fall in love, it will be with a man's spirit and the way he lives his life over anything more transitory. Tonight without children in the house I'll sleep naked on the fleece sheets. I'm beginning to think I liked sex so much for the tactile input even more than the o's. My libido is still here. But it doesn't clamor so much anymore. And that low hum of it is gone. But oh, I would love to be seduced. Pen

1/15/2018 4:58:40 PM
Well my technology is still fucked. But thank heavens for darling Dom's patience and my hidden stash of gift cards to pick up an external drive for the back up. I am so grateful for my friend. No matter how busy he is, he is there when his friends need him. He has at last found someone who adores him as he should be adored and I dont see him as ften as when we were both single. But he deserves so much love even though I miss our tea and technology til midnight evenings. Life does change on us. Yay! We'll do dinner tomorrow! A higher tide than usual today and bits of the geese flock stayed close instead of their usual travels. In the midst was an oddball. The children and I puzzled it out...an Egyptian goose. Look them up. Cool creature. Anecdotal tales tell of escapees from Great Adventure's safari in Jackson. But it's more likely they escaped from a zoo or private collection. I'm a big aviary chick myself...love them. I wish there were one closer like in my hometown or even a great big greenhouse; this girl needs a little heat and green. I do, however, feel much better. Still expensive problems to solve ahead. Let's hope things get back on course. I've been thinking a lot about money. How generally I avoid discussing it and have truly not enjoyed the necessity of it. Like many folks, I've bought into the root of all evil biz. But financial resources mean freedom. Look at money as the way to freedom and it changes that whole relationship. I'd like to be a whole lot freer. I do have a lovely family, and three blessed days with them whatever the hiccups are a gift. I get lonely being the solo adult. And this little house isn't as private as I'd like though we each have our own space and I have a door that locks. Still it's good I dislike talking on the phone usually since what I say is largely public when they are here. I can't imagine having sex here when the house is full. But then that's not likely to happen anytime soon. There is always music... I'm craving a run away...I need escape. For a coffee and teahouse haunter like myself, I've found the local Dunkin my new place since I've extra giftcards and things are tight. Free internet. More folks who meet and talk a bit too loud, but hell, at least I can do something. Some folks don't have options and I remember when mine were very very few. This is temporary. I have to remember that. Pen

1/14/2018 6:27:56 AM
Worries haunted my dreams and woke me far too early with wet cheeks. It's been a long time since I've allowed night terrors to populate my dreams. It was a tough night. For stupid reasons. There are a few possessions I'm inordinately attached to...like my Macbook and ipad. Now the ipad already has a crack but a glass overlay and it's functional, hopefully for some time to come. There aren't any cheap macbooks, so that investment took a hit last night, literally. The display of paperweights perched on my windowsill...well one fell onto the Macbook. The ouchy it left is going to cost me at a time of financial famine. I was in tears. And I get into this cycle of blame that is kind of a wake up, but it's almost innate, so I'm not sure how to eradicate it. I have this notion in my head when things go wrong, I'm being punished. For things I've done wrong. Only I don't really live a live of immorality. Nor do I harm people. I try, actually, to do good things. Certainly at times I've done bad. There are debts it took me a long time to pay and a few outstanding now. There were things I made right. When I make a mistake, I admit it and take the hit. I apologize and try to make it right. I help widows and old men with canes. I return calls. As much as I want to kick my fucktard ex in the balls, I don't. And my chidlren are loved and cared for even though there's much I wish I could give them in experiences and adventures that I can't. The big long standing relationships in my life, spanning decades, have been dysfunctional, but we could all say that. My mother bore me at 17 and blamed me for all wrong in her life as long as I had a relationship with her. In someways my marriage fell into the pattern of that...feast or famine with love and financial health...inconsistent, unsecure, and I remained the scapegoat. Back then I believed it must have been me at the root of all that was fucked up in the relationships. I wanted too much time, too much attention, too much love...and all their stressors they claimed were because of how demanding I was. Yeah, I know, fuck them. And so I learned to leave toxic folks behind. But in doing so, you slim down those you allow to be close to you. It's easier and healthier in someways. But it's lonelier too. Only so many can fit in a protected little safe room of a life you make. It's not that simple of course. I have quite a few lovely extended relationships in various forms. But when I have a night like last I don't call anyone. I self-analyze. I get up. I try to do and solve. And try to understand in an effort to make it more tolerable. Of course as I write, tears just pour down my face. Cathartic this. I try very very hard to stay in the present. Now I have some plans in place for all that stuff we are supposed to. Retirement though I'm unlikely to retire. But there are many things IDK how I'm going to manage if I look too far ahead and think of all the possibilities. Like what happens if I get sick. And folks, we all get sick eventually. But that could be 30 or more years aways and I'll go mad if I worry all the time about every possible eventuality. But my natural tendency is to always plan and be ready for whatever comes...if I hadn't adjusted my outlook I'd be anxious and worried all the time instead of one night at a time of financial stress. My daughter said to me that sometimes things just happen. It's no one's fault. These things simply happen. And nothing that I'm dealing with at present is really on me, but I take the blame anyway. As if always it's something lacking in me or something I screwed up to account for things not working out. Now I know this is a better forum for sex and my carnal darker side. But this a dark side too and I want to record it so I remember what I do and how I think at times when I'm not thinking particularly well. I woke before the geese this morning and have been watching them slowly get moving. I sat with my budget and these issues and somehow figured it out. I managed Christmas and most of December's bills with half my normal income. I need to work more even though it increases expenses. Thank heavens for the hugs of my core group and these beautiful children. I probably could do with some screaming o's too (there, just a tiny bit of sex) and a good sexual escape. Too much reality on frigid days is just too hard. Pen

1/13/2018 1:05:12 PM
Up early which is not my preference on a Saturday, having worked too many weekends when I had my own biz.   But today I was rewarded.   The tide was rushing in, pools of water on the lower lawn, when a Great Blue coasted his way along the water about 10 feet off the surface.  They're magnificent creatures, more so when they're unselfconscious and don't realize they are being observed.  It's like they unfold more into all that gorgeous length instead of having to be coiled and hyper tense, ready to lift off should an observer come too close.  

Maybe a new possibility.   The thing is with so many of the men I am contacted by these days, I think most of them would make tremendous friends to hang with.   But of course they are seeking love and all that.   I suppose I am too but my definition of a relationship is less invasive than most of theirs.   Sure I'd want to spend time together, but I'm not looking to live with anyone ever.  I love the idea of being neighbors should it come to that, but each with out own space and visiting privileges.  It probably sounds better than it is as my ex and I somehow ended up with separate bedrooms in the same house with visiting privileges and that was just sad.   And very lonely.   But given that, and the time that has elapsed since I've ever really spent extended time with a guy...well, I think I've lost the skill.  

I spend the night and I like it.  Well with perhaps two men in the past year.   But I don't always know what to do, where to put my body, when to touch and when not to.   So I generally just do what I want to and it is what it is.   But sometimes it feels decidedly awkward.   And then you get that moment or two when a sleepy man curls his arm around your hip and pulls you into him...my whole body sighs and smiles.   So there must be some romance, some give, in me.   But at times I truly feel clueless.   

I do miss conversation.   Cuck and I talk well and honestly.   The man does know me.  Or the part of me that remains from when we were together.  And he embraces what some would call my dark side.   We all are here to find an outlet for that side of us that we perceive as less acceptable given our lifestyle's mores.   A good girl myself, a rule follower for most of my life, it's so freeing to be carnal and raw and naughty.   I've been called a class act, though writing that makes me less so.   It make the profane words that come from my mouth in the midst of fucking that much hotter I think.  I find the same with a certain type of man.   Not that I want to be called a whore or a slut.   But being told graphically how I feel and what he wants to do to me when all I want is his cock inside of me takes me right to the edge and well past it.   There's not much that's hotter than that.   Well except I suppose sharing cum.

I have a cum fetish.   Now I don't indulge it much.  And much like I have no desire to blow every nice cock I see, I don't want just any guy's cum.  I have to want him and more than physically.   He's got to get into my brain and body.  And yes, darlings, he needs to be clean.    I hate condoms but I have a drawer full and I don't want a cock even poking around or sliding on my wetness without one usually.   My fantasies include being filled so full of cum that it just pours out of me when I sit up, coats my thighs when I walk.   Sometimes I think an ideal relationship would be a man who would fill me in the morning and send me naughty texts now and then throughout the day.    What does it do?  Besides the forbidden aspect to it, it's like he's part of me all day.  That's hot.   And there's a kind of possession to it.   Like being owned and marked in a primitive way.   It's base and raw and very real.  

Of course I also have extensive fantasies of sharing cum.   Of him filling me then licking and sucking it out of me and deeply kissing me.   And there are multiple men fantasies, but those will stay just that    I can't imagine there being more than one guy whose cum I truly want swimming around in me at the same time.   Well...actually...that's hot.  But I think it's a better thought than execution.  

So yes, these are the thoughts a girl-next-door non-soccerish mom has on her Saturday in a house filled with her children and their friends as she takes down the tree.   Such an interesting dichotomy.  

Pen   

1/12/2018 2:17:13 PM
Showering today with the window open, looking out at the mist rising from the water...it's a London kind of day at the shore.  Our usual winter weather at last...cold, but not too cold, grey and fog.   The new digs have more evergreen plants and rhododendrons, so aside from looking a little droopy in extreme cold, it's rather nice.   Though with the snowmelt the back yard is a bit of a soupy bog.  

The point of this is, I'm in shower thinking about cock.  Blow jobs specifically.  How I  don't really have a desire to give a bj per se.   I go to a party and see a beautiful cock and I really have no desire to taste it.   But...and it's a big BUT...when I feel a connection I want a man's cock in my mouth.   I want to taste all of him.    Let's talk someone like TBH for example.   Despite the man thinking I only want him for his cock, I'm going there.  It's beautiful.  Circumsized.  And yes, it's not small.   He's well groomed so there isn't a forest to deal with (the single biggest block, boys, to a woman wanting to put her mouth on your junk).   I could spend days gratuitously fondling his cock and balls (and the rest of him, scars and all).    If I were to close my eyes and think of him, my lips swell and tingle with the desire to get my mouth on him.   It's never the blowjob I want, or truly if it comes down to it, the cock.   It's the man.  That's hard for some to understand when I'm so damn raunchy and objectify men into cock size.   It's bullshit darlings, and just talk.  A way to distance myself from feeling at times.   

There's another time I crave cock in my mouth.  When a man is giving.   If he is physically passionate and is all in to please me, well there's nothing more exciting to a woman.    I am fair and equitable.  If he's had his tongue in and on me, chances are I want to reciprocate and change up the power differential.    Hmmmm...just closed my eyes and thought of TBH tied to a chair while I had the luxury of teasing his cock and balls; that's almost worth a trip.   We'll see if he ever forgives me and invites me over.   I miss him.  And brave me; I told him so the other day.  Yep, I broke.  There's something about him.  I'm still trying to keep my distance as it's really up to him to approach at this point, but nothing ventured nothing gained.   And truly what do I have to lose?  A little ego?   Fuck ego.   

But since that is in some no man's land, that relationship, I'll keep trying on my vanilla dating site here.   I did hear back from the Professor.  And I'll admit, he's attractive and I am drawn inexorably towards a brilliant man.  I haven't dated too many of them since they intimidate me. But it's not a bad thing to be able to impress a woman with your mind...particularly me since I'm truly a mind fuck.    It would be slow and romantic I expect should I continue.  I'm not very romantic and find such gestures usually suspicious.   Awful no?   I'm always wondering if they cheated and it's misplaced angst?  Or what they want from me?   Or the usual...that they are just using me a generic woman to fit an empty space in their lives without ever actually seeing ME.   I'm not the easiest to know.   I've done a lot.   I talk like a smart a@@.   I've compartmentalized a ton.    And for a girl who was all romance in my youth, I expect I might be mistaken for a butch lesbian in attitude at least these days.   There's a masculine energy to me in my get things done way.   But I'm trying hard to get that girl back since I think that might be my way to love.  But I'm such a contrary puss...

Pen



1/10/2018 4:18:07 PM
My tree is still exquisite though I know it's time to take it down and let public works turn it into mulch.   I'm finding a wee dram of scotch a lovely accompaniment pouring out my words here.   I have a few antique colored glass snifters left from the old place that I moved here.  Not that I ever used them much, but they are just too lovely to leave behind.  I remember once I had Baccarat ones from my wedding.   They made music when you toasted, but I could never see spending a hundred bucks a glass when the last one finally broke to replace them.   Who does that?   I did keep the All Clad pots and fancy English china as much as I was going to just trash everything from the marriage.    But the times my ex ate a meal from them was far outstripped by the times my children and I did that those memories outshone the times he didn't show up with he table set and candles alit.   Now I light candles for me...tonight there are 8 since I've replenished my supply and realized I have a surplus from the boxes I unpacked.   The diffuser tonight is orange and clove oil...a holiday scent but anti-inflammatory and wonderful.    

I texted the Prof a thank you for driving all the way down here for dinner last night.   I was a bit less pleasing to him than in the past.  I ate meat.  And wore my scarf with alpaca fur...though no alpacas were harmed...I did on the way out comment on a leather covered coat tree with a zipper...something about it reminding one of kink.  That mention grabbed him a bit but he needed the evening very early I thought so expect I offended him.   Though I say I don't want to date him as our differing lifestyles would make the notion fraught.   And revisiting the disaster of whatever sexual hangups had him afraid to fuck is something I'd prefer not to go to.   He does have a lovely smile.  But he's 63.  Normally 11 years older than I is perfect.  But most 63 yr old boomers are pretty set in their ways and someone like me just would upset the applecart.  Or I'd fall in line and end up feeling bored and trapped.   Such a great smile though and he projects such positivity at first.    

Hell, I'll admit it.  I'm lonely.  I'm 
susceptible.   But I was thinking of maybe joining a meet up group or some such to find some folks to enjoy live music with and connection/conversation.   it doesn't have to be sexual.   I do think my libido is changing.  It's still there.  And I remain a lot of fun with a partner who doesn't find a multi-orgasmic squirter icky or too much work.   But I don't need it.  I just want it.   

And contrary me, I send out a Hey TBH text to him last night as really that connection was so good.  And as much as I think wanting him is not in my best interest, the man gave me butterflies.  That's no so easy to do with a woman as lacking in romance as I am....Well we are likely both too stubborn to reply so it'll remain a stand off.   Sigh.   It's time I did some hard work I've been avoiding but it'll shake me out of this funk that has me wanting more.   I have much.   I best learn to be happy with what I do have and stop wanting what I don't.

Pen

1/9/2018 7:29:55 PM
Sometimes I truly don't know what's up with me.   A date tonight.  A perfectly lovely one.  I LIKE the Professor.   The vegan thing annoys me.   Now TBH is gluten free and that annoys me vaguely too, but too often he shows me up since his gluten free choices are sometimes better than my omnivore ones.   So okay anyone who voluntarily limits his choices in a world filled with glorious options makes me say WTF...But I had pork and fish where as usually I would go veggie out of respect for his choices.  I'm done remaking myself so he (whoever he turns out to be) will like me.   I've always played to my date, not consciously but I learned young to remake myself into who someone else needed me to be. When I was a child it was a self protective skill skill.  Now it's just leftover.   I admitted it to my friends that I did that with D, and they all yelled at me why?   I just never realized it before until I got tired of being who I perceived they wanted and would walk.   

My liquor collection still has a bottle of BC's fav bourbon and CW's fav single malt.  IDK why. Tonight I came home from my date and opened the single malt.  Now I know why.   CW always did have stellar taste and Balvenie double wood is lovely stuff.  It's only 10 pm and I'm home solo and happy to spend the rest of my evening typing here to y'all over getting naked with some one else.   I wish the Prof and I could just be lovely friends.   I went dutch on dinner.  I never do that.  I buy or we take turns.   Feels weird like I'm in high school.   Still it was a new restaurant for me and I had a great little margarita.  

We would make lovely friends.   Our lifestyles are too different and I just don't want to fuck him.   I don't want to be naked with him.  And he's very attractive.  He's too submissive perhaps for me or too cheap or has too many fears.  I'll admit I prefer a bull to a mouse.  But he's brilliant if a little too proud of himself and his qualifications.   But given his advanced degrees and where he got them I suppose he should be.   So okay, as much as a snob I admit I can be sometimes, I cannot bear men who find themselves impressive.   I had enough of pompous men with BC.   I think I like smart men, but not intellectuals.   I want to learn from a partner, but not be patronized or fathered.   And that becomes an issue with men a decade or so older than my current 52...men 60 plus seem to take on a paternal attitude with me and I hate it.   

Except TBH.   That man was the most boyish 63 yr old I've ever met.   I do miss that 
connection.  Dating again brings to the forefront just how rare it is to have that connection, that ease...and I wanted to touch and fuck the man incessantly.  I think my libido is a bit more restrained these days, but I expect one snarky comment with that grin of his would make me want to strip him bare.   I may have to reach out to him again as much as I said I wouldn't.   He's a special guy to me.   And I was the one who blew it.  

I did it again BTW.  Missent a text.  This one to my ex went to a group of moms.   About payment of some medical expenses and the necessity because he missed his December support payment.   Embarrassing.  I responded with an OOOPS.   And apologies for TMI.   Then laughed it off saying at least there was no profanity.   This is why I like my contemporaries....they responded..."profanities welcomed here!"  Ha ha ha....But I didn't hurt anyone's feelings like I did TBH.   It still upset me that I did.   I like(d) that man.   It makes me teary missing him and heaven knows I don't do feeling to much well at all without trying to stop.   

The scotch is great.  I should've opened the fancy bottle sooner.   And so are y'all reading my bs...it's so quiet and peaceful here...I can hear the train go by and the geese give an occasional honk bedded on the back creek.   I did light candles though better watch blowing them out if I keep going with the scotch...my breath might catch fire like a circus performer.  

It's still good to be home and warm, sleeping cats like bookends on the arms of the sectional couch.   I've been baking a fresh loaf of banana nut bread like my Gran used to do each night for the 
children's breakfast.   I'm thinking Scotch and a half slice of that just might do for dessert, gluten and all.   And nope, there's no warm male body nearby unless you count the tomcat and he's not allowed in me bed.   There are no angles to stroke, no sandpapery face to kiss, no frisson of awareness, and no hard cock.  There could be, but I want sometime different and more that what would do before.   Maybe he'll visit me in my dreams...

Pen

1/7/2018 10:02:55 AM
A dinner date plus last night. †I spent the whole day and evening before feeling like it was the last thing I wanted to do. † Ungrateful beyotch me. †Really it was a lovely idea but his idea of a good time brought out my snobbishness which I like to pretend doesn't exist. † A chain restaurant at a local mall...okay, so that's not my idea of a date, but more dinner†with the kids. † And a crowded Saturday night...I'd make reservations. † Men out there, are you gritting your teeth yet? † That's what I was thinking, right or wrong...the latter I admit. ††

Now I like this guy. †And I've known him for several years from the parties. † We've played and he's very fond of me. †If he lived closer, he'd want to date date. †He's wanted to get me to himself for years and well...he asked me out for a celebratory dinner that we finally got around to. † He's not a guy I want to date date. † Our backgrounds and lifestyles are a too†
dissimilar and I'm really not all that attracted to him physically though he has stellar skills at foreplay. † But I am so fond of him and there's no way I'd leave him in the lurch despite my preferences earlier.

Like so many times, just doing it and†going out whether I really wanted to or not was good for me. † We had a great dinner and it was a lovely†restaurant. † No one I date anymore seems to know wine and apparently I still do given I once lived in a†house with a wine cellar and far too much disposable income. † So I helped him find a sweet white which is what non wine drinkers drink (I did too when I started out, hoorah†to white zin) while mine was bone dry. † He wouldn't let me pay a cent towards dinner which I appreciate though I prefer to pay for others myself despite my current budgetary concerns. † But a man who†insists at†least early on, appeals to my†more traditional roots. †

He stayed local at a motel which†also had my nose in the air...I'm so damn patronizing in my head sometimes. † Yes, I went over for some play though I†really wanted to go home. † I'll admit it; I play with some guys to be polite sometimes especially if I like them as people. † I know better. †But whereas I can say no to a relationship with a nice guy I don't have chemistry with, I don't always say no to sex. † Part of it is to not hurt feelings and hell, everyone should get laid now and then. †And part of it is that men I'm not†initially attracted to have grown on me and become†more so with every interaction. † It was like that with cuck at first. †I thought was like okayyy...he's not that attractive†physically but I adored that he'd drive through a blizzard to see me plus the†uniform. † By mid relationship I could only see him and he was the most†delicious handsome man ever to me. † Women aren't so driven by appearances as men are. † I look at D for example who was so damn furry that you've never seen anything like it. † Now I prefer my man†seriously manscaped...like required. † But it was just part of him and I grew to find it part of what made him unique and learned to love the texture of him against me. ††

But I'm still a snobbish beyotch. † †I just hopefully don't show it. † I don't want to hurt anyone. †My date last†night is a NY Italian guy...very affectionate, touchy feely. †I thought I was affectionate. †But I found myself uncomfortable a bit. †He's a snuggler too. † And It was a wake up call to me. †I'm not really very affectionate anymore to anyone but my children. †Well I hug and kiss†friends too. †But with lovers...I'm really focused on fucking to sometimes the exclusion of the rest. † It was nice and all, the†snuggling. †And certainly I enjoy pillow talk in bed. † But mine is usually apart, separated a bit. †Maybe one of us with†elbow bent and head on hand, eye†contact, and conversation. † But that hugging and stroking stuff...I used to do that. †But I don't think too many lovers have done the same to me. †And I'm so out of practice that I'm†kind of uncomfortable with it. †For some reason that thought makes me cry. † Like that's another little broken part of my heart that I missed patching up. † I find it hard to truly relax into anyone. † I'm always looking to move. †It's an art I†may have†lost. †

Anyway, it was fine, the evening. † He's lovely though he wants to do it again. †And I don't want to do it again. † So I'll do what guys do and become too busy. † But I expect I will be for real. †I don't like to lie. † I miss TBH. †I can't even tell you what it was about that man but it was like we†knew each other longer than we did. †His mind and his snark and his grin I miss. † †But I always did think I wanted him more than he ever wanted me. † Though the man always figured me for a player. ††

I have been musing that too. †How there's an expectation if a women is dating you and fucking you, many men are offended and hurt if she's also doing the same with†someone else. † Now mind you men don't want to have the†monogamy conversation but they just want me to be monogamous with them nonetheless. † A woman who isn't is a slut or a whore to many men. †A man who does the same is just a man and gets a pat on the back. † †Dudes, that's beyond fucked up and I'm damn tired of†expectations that differ from sex to sex. † I†would love to be with one guy. †Not any guy...but one guy whose presence in the room just sent my blood zinging through my veins. †And Oh, I wish I could do†the same for him. † To trust and explore and do all sorts of wicked, fun,†cozy and kinky things together takes just that. † Deep intimacy. † †I want it. †But I don't know that I can achieve it. † I'm so careful anymore. † I manage attachment. † But it's really†because I'm so easily hurt. ††

I'm happy to be home, showered properly, doing errands and household jobs, listening to the cat snore, lavender oil in the diffuser so the place smells like a summer in Provence (snob! I know), and looking out at the still deep drifts of snow. † I won't share this space with anyone or my cozy bed until he shares his with me first. † As I keep looking I realize that†becomes more and more unlikely as the men whose space I've shared haven't made it far enough for me to open†this to them. † But that's okay. † My libido is fading a bit. † I don't NEEd to fuck the way I used to. †I don't need fucking as an escape. † I do though really know what I want and that's connection. ††

In the mean time, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Pen

1/4/2018 4:37:07 PM
Such happy children...there's nothing like a snow day and Valrhona hot chocolate to warm up and keep them grinning.  I'm rather stunned I didn't set a foot outdoors today as they shoveled us and an elderly neighbor out without prompting.   It's a blizzard, drifts everywhere.  The back roof must be in the wind tunnel as there's no snow at the edge but drifts cover bedroom windows.   I've been watching the geese all day, huddled and fluffy on the frozen ice on the water.   I suppose that's what we all do, huddle in, on nights and days like this.  But I feel bad for the creatures.  Tempting to feed them, but I know better given the great variety of wildlife here.  No need to attract them and create dependence. 

I'm going to say yes to that date.  It's been months since I've shared dinner with another adult and I already know I like him.   I just like him too much to lead him on when I don't see our life styles as complimentary.   But truly, whose lifestyle would compliment a mid-age woman with adolescent children?   Probably a dad in the same situation, but I rarely end up dating dads who are still doing their parenting duties.  Schedules I suppose.   Plus I'll admit I'm less tolerant of folks who complain about their teens when they haven't taught them consequences for behavior and consistency.   I remain amazed when my work friends talk of driving to the city to shop for prom dresses and spending as much as I did on my wedding dress.   Young men and women with a sense of entitlement grate.   But parents don't seem to get their role in breeding that attitude into them.  I know y'all are gritting your teeth...onward.

I think maybe I am less sexual.  Certainly less driven.  There was a time I just needed to fuck, and cocks mattered more.   I still think I'd enjoy a nice big stiff one, but the jumping through hoops has gotten less tolerable.   Many (and maybe even most) men treat a sexual woman as if she were a whore.    I disagree and find it offensive.   I am a lady through and through.  And I can still embrace my sexuality without apology.   I can say fuck, or cock, or whatever other gritty words come to mind in the midst of fucking and I'm still that lady.   But I'm a woman above all a woman.   And we are all goddesses in our way.  Worship me darlin, and I'll sure worship you back...

Pen

1/3/2018 7:19:36 PM
There are days I feel like I'm being pulled backwards.   Of course I hang on; I'm not an easy one to dislodge from where I want to be.   I had to revisit the courthouse for the first time since my divorce.   I am sorry all you public servants and attorneys galore, but to me that place is like an airless tomb.   Stale air, unhappy people forced to be there when they'd rather be anywhere but...though there are those uniforms but somehow uniforms don't make my heart go pitter pat as much a great brain these days.  

Oh, how many days I had to go there, shaking in my boots, holding it together until I could get to my car, put my head down, and cry.   I had lunch at the same local place I did 6 months ago on the day my divorced was final.   Same solo lunch, small plates, no alcohol though on this frigid day but more tea.  It felt absolutely bizarre.   I stayed away from the diner whose owner would buy me breakfast and then ask me out.   And I did think of beautiful Superman, the body builder attorney extraordinaire who was once my friend.   

Now of course, I know the deal.  Don't wear any metal and certainly not a belt because I find it unseemly to undress and redress in front of stranger.   I discovered the courthouse has wifi today, but you get blocked if you try to access a sex site.  I know because I did.  But dating sites are apparently okay.   

So I joined a relationship-oriented dating site just last night.  It's time.  And I've always been most successful finding someone in the first few months of the year.  You know it's apparently the busiest time for all of them; folks break up before the holidays or spend it solo and are determined to fix that.   I still have mixed feelings about feeling caged but I know I want a deeper connection and monogamy the way I used to do it.   Oh I still get turned on by the notion of multiple guys and a dp fantasy, but whenever I get close to the actual execution of that plan I end up balking if it's even remotely tawdry.   Because, yeah, I can love cock and still be all lady.  

The first group of matches who comes up and who's there?  The professor.  My, my, my....I was a bit intimidated by his intellect the 2 years ago when we dated.  And I didn't understand why we never actually fucked.   When he finally admitted he had some trust issues and some apparently sexual blocks, I decided I was not in to fixing a man or prying such things out of him.   I walked.   I've still thought of him over the years.  He's was certainly attractive, brilliant, and kind.  And my, he was into me.   But I couldn't be with a guy who needed fixing.  And I still can't.   I want to want him, not a different version of him.   Sooooo...he reached out.   He's agreed to dinner without any expectations.   He's a vegetarian, but I can do vege short term.  Our personalities and values mesh wonderfully.  Our lifestyles do not.   But I'll continue to be honest and hopefully no one gets hurt.  I think it will simply be delightful to have dinner with conversation I enjoy.   Two dinner dates this weekend.  Apparently the secret to a companionable weekend is to simply say "yes."  

I spoke to my chiro today too.  Long overdue but put off because of that fall I took.   Simply too many parts hurt to allow anyone else to touch them.   The first thing he said to my greeting was "Bad Girl..."   Mmmmm...it sent a frisson of oooooohhhhh up my spine.   It's been so long since I've been anyone's bad girl...I still wish in some ways it had been TBH, but I am being very disciplined about not pursuing that.   He wants me; he can come and get me.  But I'm filing him under "failure to launch" and working on the compartmentalizing I've become so skilled at doing.   

Snow days ahead...a blizzard is says.   Stay warm darlings.  I LOVE snow days and not having to wake up.   XO

Pen

1/2/2018 5:26:19 PM
Peace this eve.  I took a solo drive for dinner and to fill my car with fuel for a travel day tomorrow.   Gorgeous night.  Full moon, clear sky.  My son and I walked down to the water earlier in the day.  He was so thrilled I was willing to brave the cold for an adventure.  Our briny pond doesn't freeze completely, but there is a great deal of thick ice...beautiful crystals.  I think the tide comes in over the frozen shoreline and refreezes into these crystalline layers.  I've never seen anything quite like it before.   

I drove through one of the small towns here along the coast on my way home.   It truly IS Mayberry.   A campfire on the side of the lake and children ice skating with the fire department's spot light on the ice.   The bridges are still lined with golden Christmas lights and well...it's something to see.  I do have a longing for and a knack of creating beauty around me.   Now it's pretty easy to do here in this haven.   It was less so growing up the way I did.   But then I had the books I endlessly reread to lose myself in.  And I've been doing the same for once after promising myself I'd read for leisure over the holiday.   Now I'm a fast reader of fiction.  No so on work stuff.   I'm on my 9th in...oh...maybe 6 days.   I'll have to stop soon and get back to work, but oh..fiction is such a pleasure.   I understand now why some of y'all like reading about me getting laid.   When I'm not, it's kind of fun to read about others doing so.   I'm not an envious person, so I feel like celebrating at lease someone is getting fucked beautifully out there...fiction or not.   

I wrote to one of my fav internet friends, whose wisdom I take to heart how I've been protecting my haven here and hermitting in a little.   You see I don't want to bring drama or negativity here.   He told me "the good part of it all is that [I] do not have to let anyone in - at least not any deeper than they earn with [me].  This is all about [me], and there is no need to let others take things down from where [I] want them to be."  And so I don't.   

I wanted to invite a friend I care about a great deal, but she comes with small children who she does not monitor.  I realized that whereas in the old place there were so many remnants of small children in the childproofed house, here we are all mature enough that it's definitively not a house for small children.   I didnt want to risk the tree with the heirloom ornaments, even though I know it's just stuff.   Some stuff is rife with stories such as each one of those.   And precious to me.  I adore my friend, but she's doesn't like being a parent though she loves her children.  And it shows as chaos reins.   Once the weather improves, I'll let her come and deal with muddy wet children in the outdoor space.   But I just don't want this destroyed.  

I'd invited TBH here in the past and now I wonder why I did it.   If things hadn't headed south, I wouldn't have realized I'd found myself right where I was with cuck all those years ago.  9 months into our relationship I discovered he was not just divorced but had remarried and I was his side dish.  It was devastating to a woman who'd been the cheated on in the past and swore never to put another woman in the place I'd been.   But if you haven't been invited to his pad in a few months, chances are he's hiding more than a little.   I can't quite believe I'm saying it, but I'm glad he's gone.  I've made room for a better guy.   

I am very very tired though of parties, dating sites, and particularly sex sites though I suppose this is one of them.   The men talking about how hung they are.  How they want nothing more than to go down on me for hours.   Often how they're married despite my capital you must be SINGLE on ever profile.   I am most tired what seems to be the majority... men in relationships out there looking for something casual that won't change their situation or yours.   Fucking idiots.   I just have no respect for them.   Hell, it's not working then do the hard thing.  Be a grown up and get out of it.   And I can say it because that exactly what I did and you bet divorce is horrific. But the other side is quite frankly, glorious, even if I'm choosing to be mostly solo now.   Sex was always as stress reducer and escape.  But I don't need either anymore.  

Today, with Darling Dom's help I told the cable company to fuck themselves in the most mannerly of ways.   Went out and got my own modem since the repairmen didn't show up for a second day.   Set it up and bam...I fixed the damn issue myself and they can't charge me a penny for their modem anymore since I own this one.   I may just cancel cable as well since we are pretty much an all Apple TV family anymore when we do watch anything.   We're too busy for TV.  It's hard for them to stay with my friends and most people I know who keep the tv on as background noise.   Ours is quiet house and we like it that way, except for to occasional impromptu dance party which just embarrasses my girl and makes my son laugh and laugh.   Besides the geese who come into the backwaters at night make enough noise for us all.   I love the honking of geese.   

I understand now why some folks don't date and get set in their ways.  Sometimes the ways you create can be lovely.   It was just too hard for too long.  I can't do anything that hard anymore.   And I don't have to.  

Pen

1/1/2018 1:52:37 PM
I am inordinately fond of coffee/tea shops.  The quiet ones.   Though they all seem to inevitably get noisy.  Starbucks with the family in tow today; thank goodness for gift certificates and free wifi since the cable company is still dicking me around and we all have online work to do.   I will be switching internet providers after this is sorted out.  Disrespect my time and I walk away.  I take the same approach in my personal life too.   

If a relationship, whatever its form, becomes too much work eventually I walk.   Most of the time I should have walked before I do, but I'm a patient sort.  Too patient.  Or maybe I'm just lazy.   Actually no, lazy isn't a work that generally applies.  I think I just believe like a child...if I wish hard enough, try my hardest, somehow that magic is just going to happen and everything is going to work out.   I really do believe that a my core.  I suppose it's why I'm so utterly bereft when others don't act right.   

Deer this evening...walking right along the property border to snack on my neighbor's shrubs across the street.  The usual 4 does I see cruising the yards now and then.  They're sleek and look well fed.  Beautiful elegant creatures.  When I tell others of the deer, I get "oh no, deer ticks!"   Seriously, as if deer ticks didn't exist independent of deer in all the brush that surrounds us.   There are big pinecones that fall into my front yard on windy days from an enormous pine.  I love them and leave them where they lay most of the time.   I think the peace here has left me in some ways less tolerance of the lack thereof.   

I just no longer want to be in something with folks who aren't equally invested...whether it be family relationships, a lover or a beau, or friendships.   Maybe that's me looking at things like a balance scale as much as I don't want to.   But you know there are folks out there who just do for the sake of doing.  And who act from a place of real emotion.  That sort of authenticity is what I seek for myself and what I'm trying hard to give.   

I put out a new personals profile a couple of days ago.  I really want that sex with connection and dating.   So much.   I think I'd be nervous to have sex again.   I'm growing uncomfortable in my body since I'm living so much outside of my usual physical realm.   I get like this.  On or off.   When I'm on, I can keep going and seek sexual connection.  Off, well, it's hard to get motivated back to on again.   Somehow my usual sense of want eases.   And I begin to appreciate the peace of few bumps in the road.   I feel good.  Not brilliantly happy.  Not sad.  More than okay.   Just good.   

I will have to put myself into some new and uncomfortable situations again soon, but right nowI just want to BE.

Pen

12/31/2017 10:43:57 AM
Cabin fever is settling in. I so want to be able to spend a Christmas holiday once where it is warm and you can DO things. Too much indoor time can bore woman and children and even pets. It's just too damn cold. Now sure, if I had a proper beau or even better, an improper one, there are things one could do make indoor time far from a yawn. Though not a tv girl, to add insult to injury, my modem went kaput early this AM when I got up before the household to work. Try getting that fixed on NYE...There's data, right? Checked it to find my sons have managed to use up nearly a whole months plan in 8 days. Thank heavens for rollover data from last month, but they'll have to do without and learn their lesson. I'm quite quite pissed, but consequences will do over a screamer of a parent. I prefer to save my screams for more pleasurable times. Though here's the thing. It seems, and in fact it is, when I have blessed free time without deadlines looming...and can indulge in more carnal pursuits...well, hell, I never have a partner then. And sure enough that's the case now and the weekends that loom rather lonely ahead. Porn is getting damn old. I'll channel the energy into a deadly dull and dreaded project I should complete, but fuck! That should be FUUUUUUCCCKKK...I really want to just immerse myself in someone I just want. There's power to women...when we can make a man swallow hard. When we can brush by him and feel him harden against our hip. When his eyes flare. We he just needs to be inside you. Or to taste you. I've felt the same under the thrall of a few men. Hint: I really don't want to give a bj to just any cock. That's me adoring a man's cock and I pretty much need to adore the man to adore his cock. I can go thru the motions, but it's not much fun. But if the man turns me on, brain, heart and body, I want nothing more than to taste and touch and take him. But then as much as I like sex, I can't recall the last time a man touched all three...brain, heart, and body. But like the song, two out of three ain't bad. Pen

12/30/2017 6:06:23 PM
Why darlings do you all talk about age as if it's something to be gotten over rather than simply part of you?    I've met 35 yr olds who are older and more worn than I'll be at 90.   When I ask a man his age and he bows his head in chagrin to tell me he's 63 though he said he was 57 on his profile, I just don't get why?   Or I get responses like "I'm 52 but I look like I'm 45."  WTF does that even mean?   I'm 52 and I look like me at 52.   I look better clothed than naked I think, but blessedly there are some males who think a naked female whatever her age is a beautiful thing.  For heavens sake, stop apologizing about the stuff you can't change and embrace it.   When I get those excuses for age I inevitably swipe left and delete his email.   Just fucking BE.  

Pen  

12/27/2017 11:24:12 AM
My former cuck, and on occasions, I, think I'd be best served by another cuckold relationship.   Fucking multiple men, often in the same night, is something I've explored both with a protector in the form of a cuck and without.   Is it fun?  More often than not, yes.   Though sometimes it's not.   With a cuckold?  Well when I had a cuck, my explorations were still in their infancy.  But yes, to be well fucked, bundled tenderly into the car, driven home and kissed, adored, and fucked again by a beloved who had a look of utter adoration of my pure carnality in his eyes...astonishing sensation of love and acceptance.  But at the time I wasn't fucking others for my own desires, but to meet his.   My play at Dominance was ultimately my submission to him.   

Later I explored at parties on my own.   It was escape and stress relief pure and simple.  And yes, my libido is that strong I'm not easily sated.   So more than one cock left me pleased, purring and happy to go home to my solo bed and sleep.   That last party I attended though turned me off.  Having to tell one man to stop being offensive or I'd have him ejected from the party.  I have no trouble with assertion when it is called for.  But later a guy I found lovely, a ginger, thought he was turning me on with his whispers about how much I loved to fuck men I didn't know.   He missed it completely.  I like fucking.  But I certainly don't like fucking men I have no real connection with.   It's a necessary evil when my libido gets to me and the connection I seek just hasn't made it into my life yet.   Down to brass tacks, I'm happier if I fuck regularly.   I don't even know if it's about the orgasms and neurotransmitter hit.   I think it's more about my need to touch and feel and connect on a real, reach out and touch, physical plane.

And that I need quite a lot.   But when I tuck in to my fleece sheets at night that are as close as I can get to mimicking the warmth and softness of a beloved body in my bed, I close my eyes and image a face on the pillow next to mine just a breadth away.   Eyes crinkled with a grin, lips beginning to pucker to kiss me and a laugh in his voice.   Who is it?  There was time it was a specific man I had a hankering for.  Now it's an amalgam of men.    My neighbor's messy hair and very masculine square jawed grin...TBH's conversation, laugh, and the tuck in of his beautiful cock against the cleft of my ass...cuck's whispered confessions in my ear and profession of love...CW's rough thrust and the way he would pull my head to his chest post...Rock Star's adoration of my feet and legs.   And all of them I can close my eyes and see their faces as they cum, still the pinnacle for me.  

Do I want them all? No.  Hell, IDK if I even want any one of them.  But I appreciate them, warts and all, for the moments of joy they gave me.  I expect when I am an old old woman I'll dream of these men.   I still believe, in spite of all this titillating talk of multiple men, I want just one.   I am a monogamist at heart.   And I believe I can want one man more than any other physically, mentally, and emotionally.   That man just hasn't found his place in my life yet.   So I fill the gaps how I will.   I'm not accountable to anyone, though I protect my children and this haven of a space apart from my more carnal pursuits.   I haven't found someone I want to have breakfast with the next morning yet who wants me in the same way.  

I will.   I know I will.  Meeting men is not difficult for me.   Building a relationship is the challenge in a world where I'm not sure people do relationships anymore they way I do.   Intimacy, emotional and otherwise.  Care.  Accountability...well, more transparency than accountability.   Respect.   Acceptance.   Kindness.  And to be absolutely driven to please and meet each other's desires as much as possible...that kind of giving.  But most of us seem to be at one end of a balance scale, measuring who gives what and trying to keep make sure we get our share.   Self serving I think is the word.   I want fun.  FUN all caps.  And caring.   I give it.  And one day I'll get it.  But the whole key is it has to come from a place of want rather than need and with a view of the whole person as they are.  

IDK if I'm even making sense but since my terrible flub with TBH this has been percolating around in my head.   I'm ready to let that go.   I'd feel the same way as him in the same situation.  But given how flawed I am and how common it is for me to make mistakes, I expect I would only hurt him given he is more unforgiving than even I.  And forgiveness is something that comes hard to me.  I need strength of character and acceptance.   I wonder if I'll find it.  Well it won't be in TBH.   And that's part of what make me want to leap out of the fire of connecting with folks.   You develop these friendships or relationships.  You feel close and want and appreciate the other person.  You begin to look forward to the blips out of the blue of communication and the way they keep you smiling.   Then in the blink of an eye, they're just gone.  IDK how people do that.  It's so cruel.   I'm lucky in maybe 50% of my relationships or even of former lovers, that we acknowledge the unworkability of the relationship, but how much we still care about each other.   Keeping that mutual support and friendship...well, those are the folks I give thanks for everyday.   And yeah, on occasion if we're both between relationships we might have a good fuck.   

Pen

  

12/27/2017 1:09:51 AM
I remember now why celibacy is not for me, even if sex is not quite fulfilling in the way I wish it to be.   The sheer pleasure in leaning in to kiss, I've missed.   Having elements of my clothing removed in the most tantalizing of ways, I've missed.   Conversing while leaning against opposite ends of the couch, I've missed.    Feeling slow circles massaged into my instep with my involuntary sigh, I've missed.    Being told I have far too many clothes on, I've missed.   A mouth exploring skin, tongue, and pussy, I've missed.   The simple sensation of skin that is not mine and those real physical signs of pleasure from a gasp to a "yesss," I've missed.   And oh, sharing orgasms, now that I've missed...

I need to be more than a worker bee.   More than a stellar mom and responsible adult.  More than a good friend.  More than a do-gooder.  I need to feel pleasure, whether it is fulfilling or less so.   I need to connect physically.   I need to be the physical creature I am as much as a cerebral one.   And I need to feel my power as a woman.   The power to make a man want, to seek, to crave...to note when he has noticed I'm wearing heels tonight and see the slight widening of eyes, the start of a smile before he catches himself, the increased blood flow to his cheeks...and I know if I were to just touch him I'd feel his pulse jump.   That, my darlings, is feminine power.   And it's heady.   Just as I can affect him, he can pull me completely into the moment so that all I want and need to have is him.   

Does it matter who "he' is?  Sure it does.   But can I feel much of that without the perfect "him?"   I sure can.   I'm not sure if it's settling or if it's simply allowing myself to feel good and real.   Because to me there's nothing so real as physical sensation shared.   I don't think I need to necessarily fuck multiple men in a sensation-seeking fugue.   But should the opportunity present, I would.    So too would I embrace connection to one man exclusively should we both be of the desire for each other.   I would adore sharing my bed all night with one.  I'd kiss and stroke and tease and flirt and comfort.   And I'd sink into him as he would me.   

I hear from submissive men quite a bit.  And I understand y'all very well as I derive great pleasure from switching.   But initially, I need a man to take the lead.   To seduce to his bed, to invade my head and heart and body with his, to lead me to being his fuck toy.   Now if I could be his beloved fuck toy and he mine...well...darlings, how glorious that would be.   I adore the connection of conversation, particularly naked conversation.    When the clothes come off, so too if you're both non-judgmental, go the niceties of conventional social talk.   I adore that intimacy.   The shared fantasies.   The revealing of self.   The stories of relationships/sex/kink desires.   
Somehow trying to connect over kinks as we try at times to do here, seems artificial and doesn't quite work as the connections formed between two who lay themselves bare to each other mentally and physically.    

And all of these I've found I need.   It won't be perfect.   But it will leave a part of me active rather than shut down as I've been these past few weeks.   My joy needs a physical outlet.  My body needs to be penetrated even when my heart is not.   I was made for sex and I'm good at it.   It's best if we use the gifts we have to make our corner of the world better whatever incarnation it takes.

Pen

12/24/2017 5:58:30 PM
I pulled it off. IDK how and I had a pretty serious fall today, but finally the seafood dinner done, a glass of wine at my elbow, and my knee on ice feels GOOD. I spent my afternoon with my 86 yr old friend, brunch at the luncheonette in his city, and a good talk with he and his pup back at his lovely Victorian era home. He doesn't do all the Christmas stuff since his wife died. And I see many folks don't bother. It IS a lot of work as you get older. I hope I don't stop though. A Christmas tree is a glorious thing. And the ornaments I have are storied and represent an experience each child had in each year. I'm an incredibly sentimental mush for all I try to be rational. I miss the days of being a young woman who was so innocent and protected. Those were the days I could lay my head on my boyfriend's shoulder and let him lead. These days I tend to go full speed ahead and do the leading myself. I've become the sort of woman who finds herself in charge most of the time. Similar to alpha males, we enjoy submission like few other. It's the only time we can just let go and be. And although I crave that scenario; it is also discomfiting for me. My whole body HURTS. A tumble down the stairs in my friend's back porch, landing in a heap in the driveway. Thank heavens he didn't see me. I sat there stunned. But got myself moving quickly, not wanting to give him concern. Christmas morning may well be agony. But let's hope I manage well enough. I spent another weekend sans sex. I do miss it. But removing the sense of want that drove me so hard leaves me more peaceful. That's the thing about me. I'm either off or I'm ON. And once I'm turned on, I stay on for weeks. Craving. Needing. Wanting. Seeking. But if I stay off, I can just be. Now on off, I'm not very interesting. One of my best skills, I'm told, is sex. Always a shame when you can't share your talents with others. I've managed to mostly unpack downstairs where the fancy chessboard wedding present is set up along with shelves of games. And that wonderful massage chair from my bedroom which now belongs to the whole family. I love listening to the sound of their voices. They came home from their father's this evening full of excitement. And after a great simple dinner, well...it's just good. And then earlier as I was finishing wrapping I saw a car pull up at the house. Thinking it was someone's family visiting I kept going until my beautiful friend from PA's children started running toward the house. I can't tell you the grin I had as I ran out to them in my bare feet. Such hugs. And love. I adore surprises like no one else. They spent a good hour while I held the sleeping baby and just felt nothing but warmth. It was a GOOD day. And more is yet to come... Be well folks. Alone or with family, remember you are valued and have much to give the world. Pen

12/23/2017 9:59:54 AM
When my house is full I crave sleeping in.   Then come mornings like today when I did and wake  to miss the chatter of my early riser youngest.   I particularly adore peeking into my children's bedrooms and seeing them tousled and sleeping with utter peace in their beds.   The joy of full  rooms makes me wonder why I didn't enjoy my stint as an innkeeper more.   But the cats were eager for my company, and more so for me to serve their breakfast.   There was time to sit with my tea and actually prepare a real grapefruit.   I cook breakfast most mornings if I am here for my children, but it is usually 4 hours before I get my own.  

I've been wishy washy.   All over the place in I want this but I want that and two are usually not complimentary.   That's the element of we women that you men find incomprehensible.  But really we aren't so different.  Think about being in a committed relationship.  You want her, you want what makes you "us."   But it chafes as you want total freedom too.  I am the same.  But I have this notion I can find a balance with someone who gets me and I him.   The issue is of course finding someone who knows he's in and knowing I'm in enough to do the work.   And the very real issue of creating the time.   Spending real time together, whether it's just lunch one day, a weekend or overnight another time, helping watch a dog or get thru a project...that level of mutual support is a gift.   

I was a complete beyotch last night to my ex.  Perpetually late without apology gets to me and teaches the children not to respect his time either.  My children have taken to treating their father the same way he does them.  They stay put when he knocks, take their time gathering their things which are ready, but they'll remember they need more and more as he begins to fume.   He doesn't apologize and often doesn't even give a heads up.   He was my straw and I broke.  His response to my request that he be more respectful was met with "I had to get..."  with no comprehension that he has endless hours not with his children to do more than I certainly can.  But that's the life of many of us who parent.  I'm told I'm a single parent.  But that implies my children have only one.   Most of the parenting time and decision making falls to me, true.  But they have dad.  To whom I was very mean.   Privately, out of sight and hearing of my children, but boy do I know how to hurt when I feel disrespected.  

I should feel bad.  Like I did with my mistaken text to TBH.   But this is nothing like that.   The unfortunate things about some men is that treating them badly works.   My texted me today.   He got up early to make a long overdue payment for the children's extracurriculars.   He asked if I bought my daughter X after realizing his insistence on getting her something she didn't want didn't work so well.   I think he is really trying.  And he does love his children.   But he only sees what is in front of him at that particular moment in time.  A short term over a long term guy.   The end result of women treating him badly and giving him the drama he craves, is that it perpetuates it.   And ends up making all parties unhappy and negative.   

I'm having a hard time with solo the nights I am alone.  The days are lovely.   But these evenings...Last night I spent shopping at a big box store, restocking my big closet downstairs with the bulk items.  I'm learning to save money, though it doesn't come easily to me.   Coupons?   I can't think far enough ahead to clip, but with a quiet night at the store last night, my checkout girl clipped coupons for me to the tune of saving $20.  Just one person being kind to me last night turned it around.   So darlings, you never know if that random act of kindness can make all the difference in someone's day.   Do it.  I like small local stores with service.  Outlets and box stores drive me mad.   But I'm learning small doses on weekdays when I can, in and out and I can do it.   Such a spoiled brat.  IDK how spoiled.  But def a brat sometimes.

I did a solo dinner and it was lovely.  I drink rarely when alone, to avoid the depressive effects.  Tea galore.  A proper glass pot is nearly a spiritual experience to me.   And comforting.   I have been invited to a MFM gathering this evening, but as much as sex would take the edge off...I may keep my edge.   A cost benefit analysis of whether it's worth doing something likely hot that will leave me emotionally unsatisfied versus not and being emotionally balanced but physically 
unsatisfied is inconclusive.   I have no idea what I'll do.  Probably whatever feels right.   And I have to learn to get through holiday'ish evenings better.    

I drove past an old acquaintance/friend's house Friday to see her home being cleared out of the detritus she left when foreclosed.   I was in the same position myself though with a better outcome.   She could talk and talk and talk until you both realized you'd been standing in the doorway saying goodbye for an hour and a half.   But I miss her support and local presence.   We were the only single moms in town for a long time and she'd dealt with being excluded with aplomb.   Now it's quite different of course as a decade and a half later we are all older and marriages have failed left and right.   IDK if a single woman is viewed as threat (trust me, after having a cheating husband I don't want yours).   Or a very real reminder of it could happen to you.   Or if there's simply less in common.   

I do know I still derive comfort from my current neighbors with their single cars in the drive and lights on in the evening to come home to.  I have crush on the male across the street, but am determinedly ignoring him though I patronize his business on occasion.   But he has started calling a greeting in the AM as we both leave our houses for the day.   It's good and friendly and we'll keep it that.   After my last experience with D and how close he was with his dog, I think my neighbor is the same.   And a guy with a dog on one side and and me tucked in on the other is like making nice to a man with possessive kids.    I have no desire to share a bed with a dog in the middle separating us again.   So while men with dogs might be a chick magnet to some, not to me.   I have cats I adore, but I leave my bedroom sacrosanct.   it's just a bit too pure at the moment.    Still I have gotten to know my neighbors and they seem kind, unlike my old house, so I'm not really alone.  I just feel it.  

I actually had a beautiful Friday, piping icing onto gingerbread with my daughter decorating them with candy eyes, mustaches, nonpareils, mini m&m's, neck wafers, peppermints, and whatever else we could scavenge.  For hours we were side by side, laughing as she asked me to cut part of the head off some so she could create exposed brains...zombies are big with the teen set these days...others had great coats a la Hamilton...she did our family, me complete with red m&m hair...and the Harry Potter cast of characters...along with others I'm simply too uncool to know.   I stuck to my ginger stars without candy and still more shapes in my sons' interests.  

Gingerbread, the real stuff, made with fresh spices is heaven.   Bake them just right and you'll have a crisp edge and just the right amount of give to the center for that hard to define mouthfeel that leaves you breathing an involuntary "ahhh..."   These are my gingerbread.  Before they were iced, my girl would take some in her lunch to school.  She told me yesterday she had to break each one into little pieces to share as her friends had never before had "real" gingerbread and were astonished at how good it is.   So I've brought some goodness out there which is pretty much what I live for even with all my complaining about my solo'ness.   

I have very definite ideas about what I can do and give in a relationship and what parameters I have to work within.   I think my attitude is getting in the way and I need to find a way to lose it.    To be open.  And see what comes.  Not to try to fit someone into the gap spaces in my life.  Hell, I wouldn't want that so no one else would.   IDK though if I can manage to do FWBs like I did in the past.    It's fun and great, mutual needs met.  But calling it FWB means you can take that closeness and just decide not to do it in the blink of an eye.  Sure you can do that with regular relationships too.  But I think people should treat each other better.   It still amazes me how close you can be to someone and then out of the blue they are gone.   I've left relationships aplenty.  But I try to do it like a grown up.  I'm not always successful.   But I'm still going to try.   

I miss sex.  I do so much better when I'm fucking regularly.   But right now, with the exception of TBH (and I've given up on that), there isn't a soul I want to let inside of me.   Nor kiss.  I really want to kiss, but without connection...heavens I should just like a  woman for a change.

Pen

12/22/2017 1:41:47 AM
There is definitely something up with the site. I keep losing my words. Yesterday's post was inspired and I'm sorry to have lost it all. So y'all know a journal, even one as public as this is a very personal pursuit. I present one side. It's self indulgent, biased, occasionally raw, but it's my truth at the time I wrote it. I don't write for others; I write to get the words, thoughts, and sometimes decidedly uncomfortable feelings out of my head. But every now and then something I say resonates with someone out there and we connect over it. That is a great blessing to me. So thank you. I'm still watching sappy movies, but something in one of them I fell asleep to this evening resonated with me. Y'all know the phrase "having each other's back." It's one of the things I seek in a partner, in friends, in coworkers. To me it's essential for the kind of trust I want to both have and promote in all my relationships. With my children, I've delivered it. And in many ways they have mine for all their youth. We are great supporters of each other, thick and thin. But this sappy movie... one scene where having each other's back isn't what trust is all about. Trust is about wanting and trying to work things out when things head south because it matters. Afterall perfection, particularly in relationships, doesn't exist. I've always believed it's our imperfections that charm. And make us real and loved like the Velveteen Rabbit. My words here can be real and can seem harsh. I hurt people without wanting to or meaning to sometimes. And it bugs the hell out of me as I want (and mostly think I am) to be a good person. And although I know y'all are out there reading, when I write there's nothing between the my heart & head and the keyboard. It's just an outpouring. And yes, sometimes it's my therapy. There are times I feel and have felt impossibly alone though of course I'm not. I just can't see. So this forum gives me perspective. I reread my posts. Sometimes I'm gratified by my expressions. Sometimes I cringe and want to erase every last word. But I'm not gonna. These are my lessons to me. Pen

12/21/2017 6:45:34 AM

12/17/2017 8:42:01 PM
Finishing a bottle of wine after a text conversation with cuck. Be both know we will never meet again, but we learned much about ourselves from each other. He lives with regret at the loss of our connection. I live with gratefulness. As much as I was convinced at the time I'd actually found that soulmate I never even believed in, it sucked to have said soulmate be such a bad person. But then I'm rather good at attracting selfish bastards who lie to me and for all my positivity, I'm an innocent and believe people til proven otherwise. I love Christmas. I adore the nutcrackers like soldiers in a row on the old store counter. Gingerbread, oh I adore everything about my gingerbread. Particularly the contrast of spice with citrus icing. Amaryllis in their overblown glory. My favorite chef nutcracker. That beautiful tree the kiddos cut down. Each of their ornaments they unpack has a story from the year they were given, and as they fill the tree they tell those stories. So they'll have their own mythology to tell their children as my grandmother told hers to me. I don't have stories except some of my time with their father. My childhood was not filled with cookies and brilliance. It was mostly to be endured. And so I did. But there's little to tell since I will not tell my childen of when the state removed my sister and I from our parents. And how we were too much as a 3 and 4 year old for our grandparents and were put in a home for foster children. Oh eventually they got us back. But my abandonment issues...well, they're long standing. I don't know if I wrote of it in my last post but D sent me a text to drop off some things he had of mine from when he worked for me. Little notice. And I wasn't going to respond. But my son had asked for some of the tools. And so I decided to tell him I was not home but he could but my things here and there. It became less an issue of disrespect and more about getting my son what he requested. And then I erased all of D's texts, stupid voicemails where he sounded like a 15 yr old instead of a 40 yr old man, and blocked his ass. Yeah, its' an emotional response. But this girl's flashpoint is feeling disrespected. And damn if that's not precisely what he did. Well glad thats out. Maybe celibacy doesnt quite agree with me. But surely freedom does? And I am freer than most. But there's a cost. Peppermint icecream in a cone and red wine is really the most lovely combination when you're finishing off a bottle. I just want to be adored. Even for just a little bit. For one person to find me as astonishingly appealing as I find so many non typical folks out there. Just one? Pen

12/17/2017 6:00:22 PM
HEAT! Yes! I have it and it's glorious. I wonder if I should accept an invitation to a man I spent a night with once. He's more alone than I. Empty nest. While mine is still well feathered and the chicks won't be flying quite yet. He's over the top. And while I'd like that in a man who really knows me or has for some time, it's a red flag too early in a friendship. He lives in one of my fav little towns a few states away and yes, he's good in bed. Intelligent. But likely too flakey for me. He reminds me of BC, the older man I dated last year at this time. I often think of BC. How well he took care of me. And he did. He gave far more than I did. But it came across more needy than being about any emotion for me. I wonder if I come across the same way? I naturally give a great deal. And I don't always get treated with the level of respect I've become accustomed to most folks treating me with. I enjoyed BC's community of bi and gay men. But then I am attracted to minds ands spirits that are open and not neurotypical. What do I want for Christmas? A beautiful night, drinking too much wine in front of a fire. With a man who charms me. A sleepover. Free and cozy and connected. And warm...all night. Slow slippery sex. Laughter. Wrestling. Kisses that feel like we mean it. A tuck in. And I don't want to be remotely in charge. Just for one beautiful evening. Pen

12/16/2017 2:55:08 PM
I'd thought I was done with being cold. I continue to wonder if I'm not a magnet for endless hiccups big and small. I woke in the new house to a decided chill. But then like most of us I turn down the thermostat in the eve to save energy costs. Popped downstairs this morning and nope, no slightly noisy blower kicking on. But of course the supply houses close at noon on Saturday and here we are. Thank heavens I kept CW's gift from a few Christmases ago, an infrared electric fireplace heater. It's not the most elegant thing but its fake fire is oddly comforting and the HEAT, thank you CW. I do like a practical guy. His edges are just too rough for me. I whacked the hell out of my noggin too today on a joist in the attic. But time to focus on the positives. No heat? I bake. Dutch apple pancake and a happy family for breakfast. Apple crisp. Gingerbread soon. My head has eased though there still a lump I keep worrying at. And the smaller rooms and lower ceilings on the main level make it easy to keep habitable. The bedrooms are frigid though. But as every space heater I've put upstairs has flipped a breaker, it may be camp out night around the tree. Thank heavens I kept a few good pieces from my more affluent past life too...even slightly holey cashmere does wonders to keep you warm and isn't itchy if you wear something under it. I'm not a sweater girl at all but I'm getting it now. And blessedly when shit happens, like no heat, I now have someone to call...the owner of the property. It's too damn cold to have sex in my bed, so sorry y'all this currently celibate girl doesn't have too much of the fun stuff to say. Though I could potentially fuck like a bunny next weekend should I choose to avail myself of the purely carnal. Pen

12/14/2017 6:23:27 PM
I am not quite so interesting when I keep my libido in check. In some ways it was what set me apart from others I know who live their lives, meet their responsibilites, and keep on going. I've been unabashed in my desires and seach for cock. I remain so...it comes across either refreshing or brash, depending on whether you take a liking to me or not. Oh I still take care of myself as need be. I'm built in such a way that taking care of physical needs is a matter of course. But I have more emotional needs than I'd realized and this wounded heart wants to feel the comfort of warmth and care. Why is it when a woman wants less, a man wants more? We're all such contrary creatures. A new guest here today. I really have forgotten how to have people over. The old house we were a bit ashamed of. So guests fell away over the years, except the few folks who I felt safe and unjudged with. Darling Dom was one. My eldest son's few friends. The other single mom in town (at the time; there are more of us now). I fake social adeptness. I'm really not very skilled at all. And I certainly don't know how to create new connections if they're not sexual. But sometimes I'm blessed and they just happen. Part of me want to find the quiet girl I was. Reading books and being left alone was natural. And now if it's not work related...well, I've lost the knack. Or perhaps it's the appetite for words. Now instead of consuming them, I want to produce them. But here's the thing...I'm naturally a rebel too. Or some hybrid of a do-gooder radical individualist. But I am an awkward, shy soul at heart though damn if I can't fool most folks. And injustice pisses me off. I'd make a hell of superhero if I could only find my superpower. I'm told it's my therapeutic raspy voice. If I whisper the right thing in a man's ear, I can make him impossibly hard. If someone is struggling and tell they they are not alone and let's talk it out, well I end up in that role with many folks I wish I didn't. But there are enough lovely souls who are not perpetual victims; they make me feel useful over taken advantage of. TBH suggested we hold hands and watch Oprah today as a joke at our mutual celibacy. Oh, how I'd love to hold hands. And neck. But I'm a little gun shy at present. No, it's not gun shy. I'm just plain ornery and not in the mood to take any sh$% from anyone. Especially not in the interest in getting laid. I think I've reached a fuck it state of mind. Pen

12/10/2017 6:48:50 AM
As a woman who has thought about cock and how ti get it in her sparse free time, I put myself in a constant state of want. Even after fucking, I could always go more and longer. Never really sated, excpect if kink was an element. Stimulating those pain/pleasure receptors with impact play or a bite or making me take more than I'd supposed I was capbably of taking inside...that edge and slipping over it left me deeply satisfied. But not being so focused on what I thought I wanted, namely cock, and a lot of it leaves me much nicer. I'd get pissed at not having it. Grumpy. And a little stupid in chosing to fuck hard cock wheter I liked the guy or not. Now admittedly, Pollyanna here sees the positive in everyone. But darlings, there are a host of assholes out there. And I'd rather walk than fuck someone I don't truly find entrancing. This notion of eliminating a sense of want from my psyche is brand new to me. I've always wanted. Usually like a steady tortoise I eventually get what I want. Of course by that time I don't always want what I've achieved anymore. I'm doing better with that. But by eliminating the want as much as I am capable of doing, ohhhh...it's freeing. I'm going to enjoy what is, not some hypothetical fantasy of what I need. Pen

12/9/2017 8:44:41 PM
I have a new plan.  Celibacy.  Yes, you read that right.   Though perhaps celibacy is the wrong word.  I'll still manage solo o's.  But to me "sex" implies an act shared.   Hence, no sex = celibacy.   Of course, I'm perfectly willing to have my mind changed should a male put forth actual effort to seduce.  But by and large, I've sought my o's from others.  And I'm tired.   I don't know if I'm a bit heart sore as I reflect and see more disappointment in my male/female connections than joy...or if I'm trying on still another of my earlier roles as the good girl I was for so long.   

But really I've had a whole lot of orgasms this past decade as I'd made a decided effort to make up for all the one's I'd missed in the decades before.  But then I came late to o's.  Not till I was 40 and separated, did I buy toys.   And zing!  Like magic a squirting o.   I'd had a tubal ligation several months before, so I was horrified and thought my first o was a malfunction.   Thank heavens for the internet.  And for men who find squirting, vocal women magic.   

I want connected, emotional, real, loud, raw, fabulous sex.  Not the itch scratching fuckery I've experienced as of late.   It's funny.  When life was so hard just a few months back, anything to escape felt good.   But now...Now I have nothing to escape from.  Life is good.  I had a discussion with my mailman today as he trudged through the snow with the amazon bounty of boxes.   Same mailman as before.  He asked if I liked it her better.   A resounding yes.   No one is at the old house still and I admitted to him that it's so much better being able to keep up a place differently.  

I talked a lot of the old house today.   One of my eldest son's friends dropped in as well.  We talked about the process as he was one our great helpers.   He told me I didn't know how I was going to make this work, but I knew I would figure it out.  And so I did.   I counsel him.  I feel very strongly that we have to look out for each other's young men and woman as growing through adolescence is just plain hard.   And far too many don't make it through that we hear about these days.   It is much harder to talk to parents than a trusted elder.   And I'm a decent elder even though that word gives me pause.   But I enjoy all visitors.   TBH and I texted throughout the day and that was all pleasure.  I enjoy his wit and snark.   It would've been better to be physically present, but my trips further afield are going to be lesser for awhile.  Holidays are expensive, even with my children's expectations well managed.   And hotels have lost their appeal to me.  I'd rather be here.   Creating comfort and beauty come naturally to me and this place has both.   

First snowfall today.   I called my neighbor to see if she needed anything or a son to dig her out.  When I write it all down, the day I spent solo seems not quite as solo as it seemed.   I did shop most of the afternoon and bought little more than a few stocking stuffers and supplies for gingerbread men.   I'm still a perfectionist in how I try to please people I love, particularly when it comes to presents.   That look of surprise and joy is something I live for.   And no, that doesn't make me a submissive darlings.  It simply means I care.   And caring so much is how I got to celibacy.   Sex without connection just isn't doing it.   I need to care about my partner, but even more I need to know he cares about and truly knows ME.   I'd forgotten, you see, that I've always been about quality.   I'd gotten distracted by 
quantity.   

Though of course when I decide to back off, that's when invitations come pouring in...even for a MFM intimate scene...we'll see.  I did say I wouldn't mind being persuaded otherwise.

Pen

12/8/2017 7:09:01 AM
I don't generally, but here I am complaining again.   Darlings, don't you know if you keep sending me the same canned opening, whether it be week after week or every few months or so, I know?   Your old emails saying the same thing "hello,"  "how are you,"  "nice profile,"  or "how could I not pause at such a profile"...What's a reply to that?  You aren't asking a respectful question, so generally no need for a female to reply, even one as mannerly as I try to be.  But repeated same old same old just annoy, like a gnat, one of those little fruit flies who like to live in the drains...be real for heavens sake if you want to forge a connection.

Pen

12/7/2017 4:09:21 PM
Speak of the devil.   I'm far too kind to folks.  D is back.  Not back in my bed.  He won't get to dip his wick there ever again.   I plan to torment him and enjoy it.   Not sexually.  The man is motivated by the sale apparently.  He has something up I may buy and he's looking for a deal.  Plus I referred one of my cohort's wealthy friends his way.  Well see if he tries to sleep with that client too.   Hey she needed help; he does what she needs so use the man.  But don't let him use you.   I know darlings, a sentiment decidedly unlike me.  But if he fucks with this woman, he won't come out of it so well.   I don't burn bridges and do take the high road even when I'm seething inside.   Seethe...seethe...seethe...okay enough energy on the asshat.

So yeah...dating break.  I deleted my last real dating profile online today.  I'm driven more to forming connections than dating.  And not connections that are necessarily sexual.   I'm looking to be more a part of an extended community and spend time with folks I like and/or can help.   My friends are pushing me to write a book.   Apparently one already has an editor for me when I'm ready.   I'd shock her though.  I am thinking about pulling something together from my endless journals.   But it's so damn personal and raw.   I could fictionalize stories.   Or I could write a memoir.  Or I could write a treatise on how I believe you can survive loss and come out the other side.  Or I could write a real and gritty book on coping with divorce.   I could write about coping with a whole lot of things.    But for now I empty my head here.   I'd get a dog instead of dating but no dogs here with the cats.   You can't quite walk a cat though.   And they hardly are slavishly devoted...although these are remarkably affectionate felines.  

What bugs me most about folks is that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk.  Or they do both and then suddenly don't.   That's what D did.  And that's mean.  And damaging to others.  He said to me once that he could be the way he was with me because I got it.   But I didn't apparently.   Friends who fuck to me are friends first.  And if the fucking falls away, so be it.  The affection and caring doesn't.   Not with me.   Well, not with me unless you're an asshole...then it's pretty damn easy.  But this girl can carry a grudge and use words like knives. So he's better watch himself when he comes by to drop off one of my better possessions I want back instead of waiting for him to find a buyer.   I've heard from him more today than in the past two months...all because he smells the scent of fresh green cash.   Ick.

Well I'll say this.  Karma's a bitch.  Okay...that's enough vitriol for one evening.  

I'm way behind on emails, I know.  My apologies darlings.  The holiday caught up with me and I had to play catch up on my obligations.   I'm saving y'all for a snow frosted chill weekend solo in the cottage with pots of tea.   Then the words will flow.  Soon...Be well,

Pen



12/6/2017 7:04:01 PM
Ahhh...the date.   The scene was set perfectly.  My fav restaurant.  My fav drink.   A nice educated guy.   He looked younger and fitter than expected, though that matters less to me than his mind.   And we're contemporaries.   But..ugh.  I don't even know quite what it was.   Perhaps a cultural divide.  He'd never married the mother of his children and I'm a traditionalist with that, even knowing how hard it is to get out a marriage.   It was important to me that my children be legitimate.  I know, silly, in this day and age but then I'm the woman who has never lived with a man she wasn't married to...and not planning to...

He flirted.   Touched me the way I would reach out and touch during conversation if I were interested.   Though it didn't occur to me till I  wrote that sentence that I didn't really flirt back.  Lots of conversation.   Many issues.   Intelligent conversation.   But IDK...I think it's that he wasn't really a man who embraces either fun or adventure.   At one point, he leaned over and whispered that he thought the man next to me was trying to overhead our conversation and I might want to be careful...Fuck that.   And the night proceeded that way.  Even when he texted me earlier...that there was to be no awkward handshakes, just old friends meeting.   Anyone who it that conscious of what others think is definitively not the guy for me.   I like a guy who breaks the mold.   And even if he sets my teeth on edge now and then, that's far better than boring me.  

Physically as beautiful as he looked...nada.   Singular terrible kissing.  I can't even describe it except to say his mouth was far bigger than mine and I felt like he was trying to swallow me more than kiss me.   He did pay me a lovely compliment about my lips.  Hell, I do have great lips.  And yeah, he had a seriously girthy cock.   But the date brought it all home how much I need to not date right now.   Of course the minute I decide that, they all come out of the woodwork.   

You know what I want to do?  Finish the downstairs room and complete unpacking at last.   Bake gingerbread men.  Do my Christmas shopping.  Sleep long and hard.   Read a book for pleasure.   Brew pots and pots of tea.   Help others.   Transition to a new job and pots of money.  Go to the Stone Pony and hear live music for the first time.   Feed my soul at museums of art.   Revisit Teuscher at Rockefeller center and splurge on the most beautiful box of dark chocolates in the world.  Clean up the cottage.  Try my first lavender bath in the bathtub.   Spend a weekend doing nothing for anyone else.   Tucking in to a sappy movie marathon with cats on either side of me and on laying along the back of my neck and feeling the vibration of their purr.  

Apparently a sense of adventure is a rare bird at 50 plus.   But I am certain there are other's like me out there.   I just have lost the wherewithal to try that hard to find them.  Maybe they'll find me...

Pen 

12/4/2017 6:57:41 PM
I've been thinking about stopping.  Stopping a variety of pursuits.  Dating.   Fucking.   Maintaining an online profile.  Oh not here; I'd stay here.  But the few other dating sites I've tried I find I don't even want to check for messages.  It does seem right when it gets to the time I really would enjoy a partner, no one is really available...like the holidays.   And yes, my own availability is limited given my children at home.   But so many weekends I've felt a desire for a companion from the Spring on...and everyone seems to have more important things to do.  I wanted to be that important thing they do!  

I simply don't see energy and passion out there.  Just others seeking escape (as I did) from the slog.   My life isn't a slog any more.   It's time to step even further outside of my comfort zone.  But I'm finding I want to leave this little house less as it's become a lovely place to come home to.   Long day today, arriving after my children...when I pulled out they poured out of the house like they did when they were little...hugs to welcome me home.   These are teenagers...I'm still grinning.   Well, we DO like each other.   

I find it interesting the things I decided to keep.   And have made it my mission to use what I have.  Today a gorgeous celadon Chinese tea cup held my brew all day.   I used to have collection s of what I loved.  Lots of celadon...it's that soft new barely green shade to pale jade and translucent...gorgeous stuff.  But I sold/left it and a cup or two is enough.  There's more to enjoy when there's less than if one is a glutton with material goods.    Though it's by no means stark here.  Warm.  Interesting (even to me and it's my stuff).   Both soothing and stimulating.   But mostly it's my own fairy tale come true.  Though I'm just starting to see that.   

It's that cottage near the woods, with Red Riding Hood's wolf mostly vanquished.  Though he does knock on the door now and then.   I came home to find a pile of leaves on the curb that my lovely landlord took care of today.  I never realized oaks hold onto their leaves so long.   But then these are the first oaks I've lived with.  And yes, there's already a rope swing my children put in one.  

This morning I went a'geese chaising .   They're lovely in the water, but come up to desecrate my bank and I'm chasing them away.    A warning though.  Slippers and frosted ground are not for running.  They waddled away though.  Deer, too, seem more prevalent here but that could be the undeveloped areas nearby.  I suppose it's that simply being here, pulling this off and pulling this all together, feeds my soul.  And a full heart doesn't seek so much or so hard.  

I read something yesterday about many folks over 50 choosing to remain single and some to stop dating.   It discussed a state of want that a significant other can create in a life without want.  It resonated.   I don't really want.   I've found my own o's and am finding giving them to myself surprisingly satisfactory.   I do on some level have the notion of what happened with D in my head.  That hot and heavy, oh-he's-wonderful-and-so-into-me-and-real feeling.  What I thought was a friendship going from that to nothing.  I don't even want to talk, let alone see him now.  I think people must be careful to match their intentions with their words and actions.  Otherwise you're just an asshole.   And I'm tired of kicking assholes to the curb.  

I do have a date.   So much for not dating.  A man my age.  Grown children and a granddaughter he helps watch.  Educated enough that he won't look at me like CW did and tell me to stop talking like a college professor.   Tomorrow, so we'll see.  I don't want to go.  Ridiculous isn't it?   A date at my fav restaurant and I want to bail.   I won't.  I'll continue to step outside that comfort zone of mine.  He didn't let my schedule chase him away like most.  So we will see.   I've a huge deadline Wednesday.  But it's done and ready now.  So I can sit on it and just go and be a singular broad for a night.   Well if I'm going to do it at all, it's time I do it on my terms.   That's new.

I don't want to share this space yet with anyone.  I've forgotten how to.  And I, like most of y'all, spend my life doing with others need me to do rather than what I want to do.  And here I want to do what I want.   It frees me.    And yeah, it's still lonely, but I'm willing to give that price for this peace.

Pen






12/3/2017 6:09:31 PM
Well darlings, I'm LIVING far more than I'm writing about living these days.  It's a blessed change.  This IS the other side and OMG it's long past due.   Though Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday, I love the traditional decorations of Christmas.   I didn't experience a live tree til my mid-20s and was so enthralled by the scent that I slept next to it for a week.   I am a retro chick in a few ways and adoring traditions is one of them.   There weren't many when I was a child, but my children have theirs and I made them all up!   I asked them this year if we really had to traipse through a field again this year and cut a Christmas tree down?   Affirmative.  And yes, they all took turns and sawed it through.  It's tiny with these 7 foot plus ceilings versus the 10 footer of the old house and we erred on the side of caution with one a bit smaller than needed.  But oh, they were so happy with the drive to the field, the cookies and cider/cocoa, wagoning through the fields and bringing it home.   I've rearranged furniture and decor several times as I don't know what fits in this house.  Like many things here though, it's so easy.  The children peek here and there with "oh, you put it THERE?!"  "Looks good!"   And so it does as I figure out how to manage old traditions in a new house.   I like it!

The cats of course think every year that we bought them a tree and fight for the right to sleep below it.   I cannot remember ever being this prepared this early.  Usually it's a week before Christmas and we're off to figure out a tree and put up lights 2 day before Christmas eve.  I seem so much more efficient than I've been in years.   But that's easy to do when you are starting fresh.   I hesitated for a long time to drive a nail into these pristine if vintage walls...But now much is hung.  But it's funny.  It feels more like an apartment with good stuff than a house.   Like when I started decades ago.  But the furniture, while better than my cinderblock and wood shelves, is still a mix match of all sort of eclectic pieces, a balance of neutrals to really cool fine pieces.  

I like it here.  And I am far less driven to travel farther afield.   It's a good place to spend time and few places could compete with it's calm and beauty.   The geese still honk their way up the pond at sunrise and sunset.   The dogs parade past the window on their twice daily walks.   I watch the water head east and west with the tide.  The cats lie like commas on their beds of choice.   Pots of tea, cocoa, or chai to ward off the chill...all my children appreciate rather adult beverages or my classic cocoa with whipped cream and that beautiful peppermint stick.   There's 
something about christmas that's shinier than the rest of the year.  And like a crow, I'm attracted to shiny things so I'm enjoying myself immensely.   

I'm still working on the room downstairs, unpacking and setting up an area the children could hang with their friends.   Though one half is bath and laundry room and print center, all functional from day one.   I'd like to entertain but I look at the space and wonder where people would go and how to get a house with limited flow to do just that.  It's more a summer place than winter when the outdoor spaces and be used.     But I want to share it with more and more guests.   I'm thinking New Year's....perhaps...darling you know many the local police departments have gotten grants to put more officers on the road this holiday season.  Please be smart and driver sober only.   

I have first edition of The Miracle on 34th Street that I just may take the time to read for the first time this year.   It's been brought out and put on display year after year.  With William Dean Howells' Christmas Everyday, Washington Irving's Old Christmas Sketchbook, Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot's Christmas, and the standards....'Twas the Night before Christmas, Gift of the Magi, and A Child's Christmas in Wales.  At one time I was a well-read chick.  These days it's all work stuff I have to know over want to's.  That I'm going to change.   

My big Tom cat snores next to me with his snowy white belly to the ceiling and paws curled in...totally relaxed, totally trusting...the way I hope to be one day with a partner who will hopefully find me as charming as I find my darling good boy of a cat.  It's a happy place here for all.   I just have no earthly clue how to share it or if I want to...

Pen

11/30/2017 7:46:08 PM
As well as it's going, there are moments when I have to quell down panic.   There are financial nets in place that will lighten as time goes on.  Well theoretically.  Theoretically my earning potential has increased as well.   But there's the deal.  The ex and I relate better these days.  But I forget when it's relatively harmonious how quickly he can act less than respectful.   Or that any day he could fail to do the things he must do.   Those moments take me back to the beggar I was before the settlement and enforcement.   I mean really take me back...my heart stops or palpitates, I feel the prick of tears, and I start to feel the house of cards collapse around me.   Eventually I come up for air and figure it out.   But I will make mistakes.   And one I usually make is to be rather gullible.

I am rather fascinated most by my single male neighbor.  Mostly because this is the first time I've lived near such a creature in several decades.  And I'm curious how singledom is for males.   From what I've gathered there tends to be a lot of work and going to the gym and grabbing a bite at the bar.   And dogs.  Single men go for dogs.  Okay so yeah, sweeping generalization there.   I'm talking older single men.   Late 50s into 60s.   This girl's not going a cougaring again.  And 11 years older has generally been a sweet spot for me.  Though now 11 years seems rather oldER with caps as it's over 60.  I'll get there soon enough myself no doubt.    He never left his shades open, but has started the past several days.  I think I'm rubbing off on him as I "forget" to lower mine so he can watch things unfold like a tv show.   Only for a few minutes.   But I'm not watching him.  Even though I'm curious. 

Note to self:  do not fuck a neighbor.  ESPECIALLY if you're kinky and squirt like a fountain.  Don't play in your own backyard!   He's damned cute though.  I'll just window shop...

A conversation with one of the guys who run the parties.  The last one was filled with a higher proportion of asshats than usual.   They weren't respectful.  And yes, you bet you can be utterly respectful and still raunchy and have a hot time.   Respect is a flash point with me, so I won't be going back for a time.   I'd prefer to build either something more relationship oriented or gather a couple of additional FWBs.   A good long repeated weekend long fuck would be heaven right now.

Pen 

11/29/2017 8:14:31 PM
Is it funny that I put on my new silky Chanel lipstick at home while I type, just for me?   I do adore lipstick.   A traditionalist that way.   Perhaps without a kiss my lips remain just hopeful.  I'm enjoying the time I've given myself to continue to settle in, though deadlines clamor for the next week or so and I'll end up working at least a day this weekend.   Still, I have the freedom to be home some nontraditional hours so there's time to plan and cook real meals.   Tonight's chocolate souffle was a rare pleasure and no, I did not make it from scratch.  Whole Foods, darlings, has perfect little frozen packages of twin souffles frozen in porcelain ramekins....all you do is preheat your oven and bake...utterly lovely.   

I've gone back to the old house again.   I told the family I was formerly a part of that they might have anything they wanted of what was left...and they did some of their own shopping there.    I went back for a few Japanese things I'd thought a few friends might enjoy as holiday tokens, but most had been taken.  All the family's gifts I'd left behind as well, offense be damned or not.  It's not so sad anymore.  The house waits in a way for its next incarnation.   Someone will love and make use of it's charms.   

I'm lucky in many ways.  If you've lived in a house for a very long time, well...you don't see it anymore.   Piles stay in corners.   Things that you haven't got to stay that way.  And possessions you no longer use that take up space stand gathering dust.  There's no reason or time to edit then.  But I had to.  And putting it together a new way means it's all fresh and clean and I've not begrudged myself purchases as needed, a few more updated lamps, new bedding for the children, mirrors and organizing gadgets.   Ordinarily I'd make do.  But this is good.  And the children now have rooms that reflect who they are now as adolescents rather than living with the detritus of their childhood, though it's a blend.  They are all very pleased.  And this house is resembling who I am now rather than who I was.   Though I've learned to be prouder of who I was and what I managed to sort out.  And I recognize and value my own resiliency.  I feel like I can SEE myself now whereas I couldn't before.   

I remain more comfortable with my solo state.   Though I talk and have possibilities on the horizon, my time limitations don't always mesh with the time others have available.  And when it doesn't now, I don't try to change around my plans as I might have done in the past.   I tell them a polite sorry can't manage this week.  Funny thing is, saying no builds respect as much as I'd prefer yes.   I have a date my next free evening at my favorite place, unheard of in the past...but I've decided I'm going to do what I want to do and if someone wants to come along for the ride by all means join me.  I AM fun.   An intrepid adventurer.   And to find someone of similar spirit is really what I seek.  Best start that way and save time for both parties.   

I think living in this little neighborhood of varied homes, mostly filled with singles, has given me perspective.   I used to see the way I lived as a series of failures.   But that wasn't true at all.   What I have is a whole album of experiences to share.  And if a man doesn't find an experienced woman intriguing, well then let him go for a more unformed female.   That's not me.   

There's more authenticity now.  And that's odd to say since living that way has always been my focus, but sometimes I'd get lost in appropriateness.   I'm not always 
appropriate.   I like to challenge in a sexy way sometimes.  And I like to make folks laugh.  Or at least coax a smile.  I'm spending more time getting to know folks I simply like.   And I'm learning.   And I'm real.  Quite a few people knew I was working toward a few really big goals I've managed to achieve these past months.   Yes, the divorce was one.   I finished a brutal second degree program and have started on a third.  And OMG it was HARD.   Everyone knew I'd been worked at it when I could for years.   The accreditations it gives me now have folks toasting me.   I'm no spring chicken.   And it's really really lovely to meet folks who knew me now on both sides of it.  Before and after and who give me a pat on the back.   We all need that now and then.   

I've a giant tom cat snoring on the other end of the couch, looking utterly at peace.   The children are in their beds.   My walk down to the water at the end of the yard today revealed bittersweet in the brambles of the side yard.  You've all probably seen it.   Orange berries with yellow sepals on a vine.  It loses it's leaves so only the berries remain.  And it's beautiful.  It was my Gran's favorite wild plant to gather and use to decorate above a window or fill a vase.   This place also has holly trees with berries red already, perfect to harvest for the holiday.   This is going to be fun and beautiful.  It's been a long time since Christmas was more fun than work.   And this year I think that's going to be achieved.   

Going to bed alone.  And looking forward to it, 

Pen

11/27/2017 3:17:14 PM
The oddest shift is beginning to happen.   I'm starting to LIKE solo!   T weekend....a few weeks back I was nearly desperate to spend the time with someone I liked.   But it just didn't happen as most people have family demands that far exceed my own.   So I did my own thing.  Mind you, I did pop over to Rock Star's hideout Friday night.   He's a bit of stoner, so we talk about the move to legalized marijuana and medical uses.  We talk of work as we are in similar fields.   We talk of music and Asbury Park the way it was and how it is now.  I keep nudging him to get out and perform his originals again, but having met more musicians socially since I realize why he calls himself a hack.   He's good, but not great.  And nothing of his has yet to make me cry unlike a very few others I have heard.   BUT he may be just the friend to help me with my bucket list...this Jersey Girl has never been to the Stone Pony and oh, she wants to go!   Summer, I'm told, is the time to go and wander the outdoor space.   I hesitate to expand any FWB's role but this guy and I appreciate each other.   I think he's more lonely than he lets on.  And he doesn't let too many in...when I reach out and ask if he's free he responds that for me, he'll make sure he is.   A girl's gotta love that.   And if too many weeks go by without connecting, he reaches out to remind me he's there...gentlemen really, why can't y'all just be that simple?  

He's a giver in bed.   Heavens, yes...and he has a foot fetish which as much as I like to think I'm non-judgemental...well, even I was like ohhhh...IDK about that.   But ladies, give it a try...it's almost worshipful.  And gives a whole new meaning to a pedicure when you look around the shop and realize you have pretty feet compared to most!    I brought a bag of toys at his encouragement.   He told me I like a bit of pain.  And he's right, I do.   It's the endorphins.   So I let him tug on nipple clamps connected by a chain.   I spend a half hour or a bit more in them most days.   My breasts clamor for attention...and I think they're rather marvelous c cups...but other than a nipple pinch or two here and there, men don't usually spend the time they need suckling them, massaging them, pinching, or even biting them...it's such a turn on to even write.  Even more to FEEL.  

I appreciate Rock Star.  Kind, local, real.  And very frank about how he's a much better friend than bf any day.   I agree.   He still has better highlights than I.  And a flat iron on the back of his bathroom door...but the guitars hanging from the walls in every room and the lighting everytime I'm there...heavens, he TRIES...and OMG all I want is a bit of effort.  I'm so damn appreciative as, darlings, no one tries as damn hard as I do...and it sure is nice when they try.  

So this whole solo thing...I guess I wasn't quite.  A few hours with Rock Star Friday night.  A few hours Sunday brunch with my dear elderly friend who loves it when young women take him to the local luncheonette...But I DID drive to Philly solo Saturday, knowing parking would be horrendous and all.   It sure was, but I've nothing if not fortitude.   Reading Terminal Market is one of my fav places on earth, crowds and all...Lemon balsamic, oolong tea, pont l'eveque, and Peking Duck all made their way home with me...and a crepe for lunch on the fly...But people, especially crowds, and strangers invading my personal space drive me mad enough to need to leave.  I didn't stay to wander and see the holiday decorations though I wanted to.  I couldn't wait to get home, pour the leftover Pinot and chow down on the Peking Duck.  It really WAS divine.   Movies.   And tucked in with the cats and stayed home.  And LIKED it.   I didn't miss ANYONE.   Lack of manpillow and all...I'm thinking it's progress of a sort.  

The thing is...I used to live in a neighborhood of couples and families.   I thought I was the odd one out.  Now though, most of my nearer neighbors are single.   So I don't feel like quite the odd man, or woman, out as I did before.  Truly, for a very long time I found the end of my marriage a personal failure.   I was embarrassed so much that I didn't tell a soul I was separated til year 3...

I LIKE this little house.  A lot.  The water is very low now and mud flats are not very appealing, but the honk of geese and wildlife passing thru still fills me with wonder.   My single neighbor works to fill my romantic imagination with impossible possibilities I'd never act on.  But I know he notices me.  And I notice him.  But playing in your own backyard, especially as hard as I like to play, is not a good idea.   Still, the single post-50 male is particularly fascinating to me.   But then so is the single post-50 female as I learn to navigate this age myself...

Be well darlings,

Pen


11/21/2017 8:32:24 PM
As much as I try to plan for EVERYTHING (leftover from those perfectionist days I'd thought I'd gotten over), I can't.   So tonight was that inevitable last run pre-Thanksgiving.   I did buy my first Chanel lipstick tonight in an effort to match a discontinued color from a less fancy brand.   $37 for a lipstick, holy crap...but oh, it's like silk sliding on.    One thing I do have is great lips.  And I adore lipstick.  I used to hate them...too full.   I always wanted thin lips as if they were more dignified somehow.  Overblown lips.  Overblown ass...that's me.   But oh...I'm going to enjoy this fancy lipstick and the dozens of samples she filled the fancy Chanel bag with to tempt me away from Bobbi Brown.    I'm a sucker for lotions and potions...always have been since I was a teen and would save my babysitting money to have enough to buy one product at the fancy cosmetic boutique (one purchase and they'd give you a makeover and oh, I love when someone else makes me look pretty).   My children get upset when there's nothing for me to open Christmas morn, so I start early stocking up on skin products, wrap them up, and tuck them in my stocking.   Practical, still a splurge, but with all the holiday discounts I don't feel quite so irresponsible.   

I've been thinking of people as we all do this time of year.   Thanksgiving is my fav holiday.   No presents, just gratitude.  Although my parents had many children through multiple marriages, I was only close to my slightly younger sister and she rarely even texts anymore.   So my table isn't so full.   But it is filled with folks who LIKE each other and are NOT toxic, so there is that. But I share my children with their father though he seems to not want them this year.   Makes my eyes prick to write that and we had words this eve.   I don't actually WANT to share the children and so many holidays I spend a portion of alone.  But...some things should remain constant in a child's life like family and tradition.  But I can only control my own...and they ARE good ones.   What a fucking asshole.   Sorry but the words need to get out.  We'd been getting along, even friendly a bit...but fuck...there is such a low level of emotional intelligence there and just...C'mon y'all...parents who don't want to spend whatever holiday time they can with their children?  And mind you these are mannerly loving kids...

I'm trying very hard to not let his idiocy fuck with my head.  I'm going to do what I do.   He claims he'll text a time and figure something out.   Almost better to let him go.   But hell, if I were the man's child...I think I'd feel pretty bad.   And that's not okay.

I'm craving less.   I still want.  But I realize I'm perfectly capable of finding my own o's with toys and porn and erotica.   Not perfect and it takes 2 a day to keep me chill, but I want a respectful guy.   That last party...I don't like how crude men who don't know me are.   Now I can get pretty raunchy during sex.  And I like dirty talk if there's a connection.   It's tongue-in-cheek then...you know?  It's all in fun.  But without that, it's just offensive.   And I hate some words.  Please call them breasts over tits.    Pussy I don't mind.  Cunt, well only one guy can get away with that and he says it with affection.   Dropping the F bomb, not a problem.   My very round ass, don't call it a fat ass even admiringly.   Beautiful.  Hot.  Any of those work.   And for heavens sake, don't talk about the appeal of anonymous sex.   I really hate anonymous sex.   I might go for it out of sheer horniness now and then, safely.   But sex rocks when there's connection.   Hell, everything rocks with connection.   Conversation.   An exchange of grins.   A hug.  A touch.  Even texting.   

I like it here, in this new place.   And finally managed to put some things on the wall.   A bit of art.  My tole tray collection.   I'd forgotten how beautiful they are.   It's a cool, funky, eclectic, lovely little place even if it does have grey walls.   And I have some skill working with what I have.   The good thing after letting go of so much is that children and I alike have no issue letting go what doesn't work and continuing to get rid of stuff.   I'll make another run back to the old house and leave more behind.   I expect someone will find a use for the items.    

I think I was craving a man pillow/relationship of a guy so badly because I just needed someone to hold on to for a time through the transition.   Better to WANT over NEED.   And need is falling aside.   I'm beginning to think my time may be best served empire building.   I can still be mom me, friend me, sexual me...but I think maybe it's time to explore powerful me.   I have skills, some of which folks will pay me more of a decent income to use.    I like a challenge.  And I know I need to be part of more teams.   

Ha!  It seems I've reminded my ex he is a father after all...I need to remember I do what I do for those I love.   And let it go....

I'm saving my time to respond to y'all's emails for my solo time.   Your words inspire me and keep me from pulling out my hair or erasing all this rawness I write.   When I see mail, I grin.  So thank you.  And be patient with this sometimes lonely, but increasingly powerful girl.

Pen

11/20/2017 10:31:44 AM
A thoroughly wonderful weekend...and back to the grindstone sorting out (well trying to find) my math brain. Iím finding myself increasingly in roles more analytical than creative, though this girl wasnít born to fit that role. But interestingly Iíve found I can learn almost anything. And since knowledge pretty much is the hunger that drives me, it works well. Work at the Hemmingway table this morning with a view of the enormous picture window let me watch the parade of dogs, utility servicemen, neighbors and public works doing their thing as the leaves still continue to fall. It is the longest autum Iíve enjoyed in recent memory; Iíd forgotten how gorgeous it can be. Iíll have to go in shortly after a peaceful lunch of avocado toast (Iím trying). There will be a long complex conference just like last Monday afternoon. Ordinarily I am able to synthesize, albeit more slowly than I could in my youth. But the man in the front of the room is distracting in his deliciousness. Iím fond of former badasses. Most women are. Itís why reformed rakes are the hero in endless romance novels. Heís young and brilliant and quirky. Rather beautiful with an incredibly well groomed short buzz of a cut he must maintain himself. And tats...thereís a story to them I know. Perhaps thatís his fascination; I want his story. But we donít get everyoneís. Heís gay I-know, so itís not like I-want to fuck him. I simply like looking and listening and wondering. Lots of thoughts lately of D and the nonsense that went down. Iíve concluded the man behaved badly. But heís so sensitive I expect he knows it. So heíll punish himself more than any words i could say. But then Iím the high road girl. I have few regrets about my own behavior and certainly none in the way I both responded and communicated with him. Not now. But Iíve pretty much concluded my business was what he sought most. And that level of disingenousity pisses me off. In the past Iíd be pissed at myself for falling for it. But not now. Iím giving myself a whole lot more of a break than I ever did before. In retrospect what I did manage to do this past decade plus is astonishing. And the fact that I remain a mostly positive female whose greatest joy is seeing the people she cares about smile is a fucking miracle. Thereís more. There always is in my brain. But time to stop playing hooky and go try to listen more than look at the beautiful man...muah darlings. Pen

11/17/2017 9:17:37 PM
I'm pretty proud at this evening.   A surprise.  A group of young boy/men, a son of mine included.   Add fire outdoors on a cold night and give them hot dogs & marshmallows with a big pot of mac & cheese...well, this is the way to use this place.   Share it.   So damn much fun.  Jokes, blowing out burning marshmallows, laughter...and managing the pyromaniacal tendencies of all boys not to burn everything that can find with leaves still falling...I think we looked like a tribe hooting around the fire and scared away the geese and deer this evening.   But O-M-G what fun...Darlings get yourself an ecolog.   I know WTF is that?   Lower carbon output and you can cook on it.   It's the easiest lovely 4 hour fire without undue smoke that you've done.  And I'm a girl who knows how to build and keep a fire...but y'all knew that already I suspect.   An older friend of mine called mid-campfire.  He said there aren't too many people who would cook dinner over a fire outdoors in November...try it darlings ..it makes home that much warmer when you tuck in at night.  And then I came in and still managed to meet a midnight deadline typing away...Maybe I just forgot how much I love a house full of surprises and laughter.   That I can do.   Oh my big grown son...a brilliant hug along with "that was the best idea ever"  "can we do it again?"   Again and again...yes we can.   

Pen

11/17/2017 6:26:25 AM
I’m resisting the uncomfortable things I am feeling rather than just letting it be. Hell, if anyone is familiar with uncomfortable feelings, it’s me. And the one thing I did learn dealing with past losses is there’s no quick way to get to the other side emotionally. Especially for me as I hold on like a koala and an eucalyptus tree. I’ll take what I feel out, explore, analyze, take note, discuss, and then try to FIX it when emotion doesn’t need fixing. I am beginning to think it just needs its time. Hell, what I feel is a compendium of entirely appropriate emotion. But this girl is afraid of feeling bad because she thinks she’s going to get stuck in the mud of it all and not be able to get out. Which is complete bullshit of course since I’ve already shown I’m resilient as hell. But I’m also passionate. It’s great between the sheets and I’m fun to take to dinner and converse with. But heavens, piss me off and I’m equally passionate in my displeasure. That I’m less fond of because my words can cut effectively and deep. And hurting folks, even when they beg for it, isn’t really what I’m all about. I’m going to be uncomfortable. Maybe for a while. And oh, I do crave comfort. A relationship and that delicious sense of heat and warmth and a rumbly male voice I’ll hear with my head on his chest...I can close my eyes and want and feel it so much. But my emotion...I don't think there’s a guy out there who is going to get it. And he’ll try to fix it if I say anything with “look how far you’ve come...how you’ve prepared...where you are now...”. All true. All I know. But right now there’s a disconnect between what I know and how I feel. So as much as I want support, I’m probably too armored up to listen. Such a contrary creature...and I’m usually the one telling others the same. A flock of geese on water this AM, tide on it’s way out, honks that make me grin, warm tea, equally warm hugs from kiddos, and a day ahead of opening the new place to a few more people...it’s a start. Pen

11/14/2017 7:46:11 AM
I may revise my characterization of feeling "lonely." †Lonely implies depression or sadness. † And I'm not sad. † It's more a curious feeling I haven't felt before. †I hadn't realized there were so many of us solo folks out†there. † My old neighborhood, just blocks away, was filled with families and couples. † Here it's a single car in the driveways mostly. † And an endless parade of dogs, companions for their†solo'ish owners. †I'm more conscious of it. † †Before the move I was the odd one out, now I suppose I fit here though I have a family, if an increasingly mature one at that. †But those of us who work non traditional hours are hear during the daylight many days. †IDK I'd think folks would be friendlier to each other. † Help the widow next door, that sort of thing. ††

I do at times wonder about my emotional state. † There is a craving for a relationship. †Or okay, IDK if it's a relationship I crave or simply†some of the elements of one I miss. † †But I grow frustrated with folks. ††Heavens, I put SUCH effort†into most of what I do. † But others seems to just not. † I don't want to get stuck on that idea as certainly I was conscious of the same disparity in my marriage as well. †And looking at any relationship as a scale needing to be balanced†and feeling a perpetual consciousness of disparities is not a happy-making state of mind. † I need to get†to just fuck it. † And for the most part I have. † But truly darlings, effort is not really so hard to do. † I think most folks care less while I care deeply. † But I know my passion is my strength and I'm not willing to give up†strength of feeling for peace. ††

I think I've†just†limited myself a bit more than I should with my continuing education, the move, and mostly non meaningful sex eating up my alone time. † I'm†working on more, but damn if I'm not like all the other rats in the maze not looking up at the sky. †My girl reminded me of the same. † She returned†home a few days ago, looked at me as if for the first time, and said "you've had your†hair done" as my color is pretty flexible in it's red tones. † I hadn't. † My†response of "darling, you need to look up more." †And so do I...

Pen

11/13/2017 3:44:17 PM
I have a bit of a time of it dealing with feelings of loneliness.  I've certainly experienced the sensation plenty.   But now it gets to me.   I choose to generally fill my weekends sans my children as full as I can.   At some point I'll let myself be and let myself feel it.   But oh, I crave the rumble of a male voice, a chest with a bit of fur to tuck my head on, and conversation over drinks at a local watering hole.   Simple things.   

I'm finding the parties are beginning to raise my hackles.   I want to be with folks who are sex positive.   But in a decidedly male heavy population, I can feel a bit like a juicy steak and men together don't always behave as well as they do with a woman alone.   Though it's true men do bring their A game when there are other men around.  Hence, fucking more than one in the same vicinity in a night generally is a quality fuck.    But more and more I'm finding attitude that just turns me right off.    

One man who was perfectly interested and gentlemanly to meet, turned into some sort of make believe Dom.   Nice cock and all, but his approach was icky.  And he kept spanking my flank after I told him no, not there.   On the soft tissue of ass, sure, I don't really care.  But start hurting me on muscle tissue and fuck off.   He kept returning with increasingly rude suggestions.   Now in a guy I have a connection with, talking dirty is fun.   But this one...sigh...he eventually began talking about cum.   Now I have what is nearly a fetish about cum, but there aren't many men I will let cum in me.   This guy I just shut down with an "I hate cum."  And eventually took him on, telling him if he didn't stop slapping my flank after I'd told him multiple times I hate it, I will have our host remove him from the premises.   He left after that.   

Another guy after that who was more gentlemanly I didn't even fuck.  I suspect he was there to indulge his bi curiosity as are many men.   Hell, I like bi men and generally find them more sexually evolved than the rest of us.   But there's a crowd of married men who hide it.   A bi male who is open with me is far more appealing.  Such decadence to share.   I miss the older professorial man I dated a year ago and especially his openness about his bisexuality.   But I can't restart something there when I know he would get hurt.   And eventually his pedantic speech would piss me off again...sigh....and he wouldn't fit at all into my family life.    

So this guy...romantic approach.   Tall, fit, ginger (and as much as I'm a redhead, I don't really find redhead's appealing myself!)   Rather like a cuckold in some ways.  But then IDK.  I thought at the end of the night I would at last get to indulge myself in a true threesome.   And really Latin men are amazing...so there was that.  But ginger seemed more content to watch and talk dirty.   At one point he said something about me liking to fuck men I don't know, thinking it was a turn on.   Actually I don't like fucking men I don't know.   I simply know I do better when having regular sex.  And a party is little more than scratching an itch unless you form your own social circle there.   Ginger used a few more words...TBH does the same...normally I wouldn't like it.  And I didn't much with Ginger.   But you know how "kitten" can sound so endearing from the right mouth and denigrating from the wrong one?    I hate the word "cunt."   But I've let TBH get away with it when used as an endearment.   It stretches me with the right connection...some of these words...hell, I've called TBH my "fuck toy" out of absolute adoration of the guy.    But that's the thing, without connection I'm just offended.   And I'm a hell of a girl to get offended by words...filled with a big cock attached to a man I trust I turn into a dirty mouthed raw fuck toy myself.   

I keep waiting for menopause to hit.  Hell, I'm 52.  Though friends have told me with a drive like mine, it may stay strong.   But part of my drive to play so hard has been this notion that once the estrogen in my system starts fading, so might my libido.   Add 12 plus years of a husband who was not able to give me orgasms...well, this girl has been greedy for them for the past decade.   Maybe I've finally made up for that lost time.  I do know it was one thing to accept a man like my ex and the life we had when I was young and my personality was still more malleable and unformed.   Now...now I know what I need and want.    An unselfish lover.    A giver.   Oh all I want to do is give to a giver.   

I know my libido is a problem.  As can be my temper.   But generally I don't get pissed unless I'm being disrespected.   And maybe that's the crux of my current distaste for the parties.   I didn't feel quite respected.   As if I as a woman am being nearly judged and or used for my sex.  Rather than two mature equals coming together in the same spirit of exploration.   That was missing...that spirit of being an intrepid adventurer.    I live that.   But darlings it's hard to find  mate who approaches life the same way.   On one hand I think of trying harder to find a monogamous relationship.  Or perhaps a loving cuck.  But starting with the fetish over the man never works much for me.   

I do know I want a man to share my bed.   My lovely snuggery.  And I his.   And not even regularly.  Just once a week, maybe a little more.   I've lost the skill of being a hostess on so many levels.   But hey, it's got to be akin to riding a bike again.   

But then there's the contrary part of me that says just STOP.   Stop wanting.  Stop looking.  Stop trying so fucking hard all the time.   And let it come to you.   But I'm not patient at all anymore.   And there's a side of me seeking fulfillment in quite another way.  In contributing.   In being the person who wades into the fray and helps when everyone else stands back and doesn't quite know what to do.   I am that person now and I find myself doing just that more and more.   The absence of fear is quite a new sensation.    And I want to share the passion more and more folks are noticing I have...for more than sex...for living.

Pen








11/4/2017 4:50:07 PM
I find myself taking note of my new neighborsí habits. My old neighborhood was filled with seasonal homes and not terribly nice neighbors. But then my ineffectual keeping of my place perfect didnít endear me to anyone. My cohorts and I lunched in the area last week and I finally showed them both places. First house: ďwow, big house.Ē I guess it was. New place, less enthused. I like it. And itís rather like hidden treasure. Until you step out back, you have no idea from itís unassuming form what treasure awaits. Yesterday the house needed a plumber. I was nervous, used to a house call falling into the $700 range. But this time. Nada. Omg, there are benefits to renting. The plumber is a smaller local guy. I tried to pay for a cosmetic change, a new wide spread shower head, but he refused me. We talked of the estuary, and local path thru the woods where he used to take his coffee before he got quite so busy. He noticed the few shelves of books I kept...field guide after field guide and we got to talking. Iím a nature chick through and through. Though I know food and art and literature and a bit of science too. What a lovely man. And the shower is heaven now. I may zip back to the old house before it goes and bring the other wide spread shower head back for the other bath here. A gorgeous day. My childrenís friends showed up. I love the sound of experimentation, exploration, and laughter. We all headed to an athletic field. Far more games in my life this week than any other. Between TBH turning me on to the World Series and the odd local football games...well, itís been an all Americana beautiful week. Back to the new neighbors. Quite a few singles here. Truly in this Mayberry-like clone of a town, I didnít know there were so many others like me. My old neighborhood was quite different. Thereís a woman nearby a few decades older than I. Fit and young 70s, she travels extensively and seems to fill her home with either dinner parties or bridge once a week. But hell, for all I know, she could be swinging over there. The man across the street a few years older than I...he reminds me of how I imagine TBH to live though he doesntí work quite so hard. Local business owner. Rides either a truck or mc to pop into work. Seems to grab dinner out more often than not and an occasional either GF or FWB parked at the street. I wonder how they see me. Iíve have only one car parked on the street early in the transition here, but Iíve pretty much let the young D go. I think heíd grate if I were to even see him again. He demands such intimacy for one who give so little. Iíve come to the conclusion itís time to date for real. Hell, Iíd invite TBH to stop in his travels for some truly exceptional weekends if he werenít so driven and overburdened. Plus, quite frankly, I canít have the man here before he has me there. Itís just too reminiscent of past mistakes otherwise. I like him though. I like him a great deal. And I feel for him in how hard he works and tries to do the right thing. I admire that. And there are few men I admire. Iíd love to take him for the best Margieís ever...and crash into bed together after an Uber home, giggling and spanking. We both love adventure and itís very difficult to find a kindred spirit like that. I crave it. And I just simply like him. But I expect it might stall as it often does. Maybe I should try harder. In any case thereís the semi local guy who is a lovely date. And other opportunities. IDK I want to quite explore them all. Iíd rather decide and delve and bury myself in the deliciousness of one man I trust and could possibly adore. But it seems so complex to get there. IDK why. Itís all rather simple to me. But I do desire a man in my bed whose cock I could treat like a lollypop. Rest my head on his thighs and just explore his cock and balls with my mouth. Or better yet, have him ratchet it up a bit...pull my hair, squeeze my nipples, spank my ass, push into me in one smooth strong perfect stroke...bite my neck, manhandle my breasts, spread me wide and fuck me very very hard. Sigh...where are you darliní? Pen

11/2/2017 9:41:44 AM
Why is kinky sex so much more deeply satisfying than fucking? My analytical mind says itís the endorphins from the element of pain. Itís a bit sick to say it, but I enjoy when my body feels a little beat up from hard rough fucking. I LIKE the slight abrasion on my throat and chin from beard. I enjoy being manhandled, breast sore and sensitive as if he still had his hands wrapped around them. And oh, my puss...Iíve been fucked so hard and on rare occasions fisted that Iíve bled a little. No darlings, Iím not encouraging the practice. But I admit I sometimes look at a man with slender or small hands and well kept nails and think...hmmm...I bet I could take that. That a tremendous turn on for me...being made to take more than Iím sure I can. Limits pushed. Particularly sexual ones. But remember aftercare. Aftercare is love to me in many ways. That tenderness. A man bringing a warm damp cloth to clean up the mess my puss is left in. Pillowtalk. All I seem to do anymore is discuss pillowtalk. Itís all intimacy. Thatís what I truly crave. Intimacy in itís various forms. And the comfort level and mutual support to just be. And yeah, on some level I crave a relationship. But yíall know the thing with relationships is sometimes you end up having to do things you donít want to do, spend your precious time with or doing something for another. Thatís hard for those of us who fall exhausted in their beds after a day taking care of others. And maybe even harder for those of us whoíve been alone so long, forged routines that make our lives work, and have trouble leaving our comfort zone. Iím trying to do a great many things to expand my world. Itís pretty expansive as it is for a woman with children. We are a family of adventure seekers, big and small. We all want to bring excellence to those things we are passionate about. And we are all passionate folks. Itís not easy to find others in this world who have the passion I do. And I want to be with someone I desire, adore, and just get a kick out of. I donít have to like everything he does, but I sure do need to love his energy and approach to life. I ran into CW today. I do love him while being equally glad we are no longer in a relationship. Heís a bit much for most folks to take. Larger than life. The man never seems to age, but much of that is the medication he must take to survive a chronic condition. Heís tough SOB. I like that. I like grit. Determination. Work ethic. People who can be themselves and donít always conform. Iím not as open about my non conformities. I fit in anywhere just about. Well as much as a single woman of a certain age can and there are plenty of us out there. We rather adore our singledom and coming of age. But darlings, hereís a secret...I love to shock. To say or do something, usually a double entendre, that startles...perhaps makes one blush...and then finish with a grin. And oh, the naughty stories Iíd like to whisper in an appreciative ear. The problem is I get aroused too and invariably would want to fuck...but my choice of whom is becoming more discriminating. Pen

11/1/2017 4:33:00 PM
Iíd forgotten how busy my regular life is with the responsibilities of family. In a world of largely overscheduled poor planners, things change on dime. As much as itís against my orderly librarian soul, I do far better with my time filled than empty. Yíall have seen... or read rather. Heavens I canít just be still anymore. Time somehow is meant to be spent and spent well. Iím too aware of itís finite nature. Iím beginning research on mortality and how we talk to those approaching death. How we as Americans donít want to face ours let alone plan for it. Like it or not, our time is limited so for heavens sake spend it well whatever that means to you. Lunch today with my lovely lovely cohorts. Weíre trying to figure out a way to continue our training sessions together since having someone to bounce ideas off of is critical to success and comfort. But itís not easy to do. Lunch. My weekend and TBH were of interest. Theyíre so lovely, these women. ďGood for youĒ they tell me as I indulged myself and showed them pictures of what I call the ďprincess roomĒ I stayed in. One woman took a look at the tester bed, raised and eyebrow and queried ďnow what did you do with that?Ē LOL...had my timing not gotten screwed up by a family emergency Friday I suppose I would have been better prepared. I did manage to at least pack stockings though the effort seemed lost on TBH. He actually prefers my skin...now that is charm. We relate differently though we are both chill enough to spend pretty effortless time together. Iíve found a new love for watching sports naked. Though there are few men I would ordinary do that for, I found myself drawn in by TBH. I expect though Iíve found myself again in that classic conundrum of wanting a man more than he wants me. No doubt he likes me, probably a lot. But I am drawn to him out of proportion to what our interaction is. IDK why I find him impossibly sexy. His wit. His playfulness. His work ethic. His body, though his slender fit form is not my usual type. His lips definitely. He may have the single most glorious smile Iíve ever seen and I make him grin lots. Itís a beautiful thing. Truly lovely big cock too, but sex is more about him than I yet it doesnít seem to matter so much. The vocal component truly pushes me and I think thatís why it works so well. That man can have a truly filthy mouth. And I think I still feel scratches on my ass from his nails. But then his nipples are driving him mad. Perhaps my fav moment was after we wrestled like monkeys and lay there breathing hard grinning at each other. Iím damn strong for a girl, but he is stronger. Shhhh...donít tell him I said so... The weekend went a little hunky Sunday. He had to leave to do an errand heíd mentioned prior and asked me to join him. But the sheer amount of time and driving it would take and my need to do SOME work had me saying nope. Heíd asked if he could return Sunday eve perhaps. I was of course delighted at the thought and told him so. Evening rolled around and I texted to see if heíd managed okay. Essentially the convo broke down into staying home tonight with a margarita. WTF? I was less than pleased and let it roll with some rather choice words. I did apologize. But clearly my appeal is not....well...just not. And I want someone who is as passionate about me as I am about him. I donít think TBH is very passionate about anything thought there are times I catch a glimpse of someone very like me who works his ass off and wants so badly to do the same in play. I adored having him as an exquisite man pillow more than the sex even. Unusual for me. Heís a delightful witty companion. Social. Great with people. And there were times in the night when he wrapped his arm around my middrift and pulled me closer that made me think, okay, this could work...but I even reached out to cuck who will tell me like it is. Essentially it is clear he likes me but thatís about it. Hell, thatís not so bad, but itís not bells and whistles. And this girl...well this girl deserves a fucking marching band. I think as much as our sensibilities mesh, we donít really understand each other. But then all our interactions are a departure from our regular lives. We are each otherís escape. Itís a wonder to have that. But until we step into each otherís worldís up close and truly personal, thatís all weíre gonna be. I felt quite terribly disappointed and lonely Sunday evening. I figure it out though. Did my work. Found a porch and oysters and dark N stormies to help me along the way. It was a truly dark windy and stormy evening. I put one foot in front of the other to the local pub. Solo no less, not easy for me. But there were a half dozen folks all watching sports and chatting and welcoming. One was a retired AF officer who lives in one of my fav towns nearby. Our conversation continued to the public space at the inn I was staying to the wee hours. Iím a strong proponent of everything for a reason. So maybe feeling a bit bereft enough Sunday to find a warm cozy place with people was what I was meant to do. Weíve continued our conversations and heís extended an invite for me to return to his neck of the woods or meet inbetween. Itís funny. Itís not that I have trouble meeting men. I meet people all the time even though I shake in my boots as I force myself out solo. Itís time I got more comfortable again in my own skin instead of just when Iím skin-to-skin. But I want more. I want passion. I want connection. And hell, I think I want more integration of my connections to each other as well as to just me. I want relationships. Good ones. The I-have-your-back you-have-mine beauty of it all. I want it all. Pen

10/30/2017 6:21:01 AM
The wind last night raised my anxiety levels as the sound of wind does for those who have experienced hurricanes. Much like a low flying plane now makes us all stop and catch our breaths. Another dark and stormy last night at a bar that closed way too early and conversation with a lovely man who moved to one of my fav towns down here that I know well...it passed the time. The attention was lovely for a woman feeling a tad blue. And yes, the bed was far too big. And I reached for the robe with TBH/s scent on it that enveloped me and made me hungry for him again. Itís not even the sex. Itís the warmth and companionship more so. And yeah, a lot of it is just me uncomfortable with myself and just craving warmth, both physical and emotional. Iíve come to the conclusion that part of my issue with sensation, with feeling too much, is that Iíve tried to control attachment and emotion for so long...so when I feel it, it feel like too much. And rather than activating pleasure centers in my brain, it hits as anxiety. And fuck...this girl does anything she can to manage anxiety. THAT I know how to manage. Itís again to an adolescent boy...I have one, so I see it first hand. That flush of testosterone they havenít felt before...the aggression and energy they exhibit. Most boys are completely baffled by why they are doing what they do. My son has told me himself. They havenít the self knowledge nor do they know how to control or regulate their response. Sometimes Iím just the same. Though I expect in my case itís a combo of oxytocin and perhaps fluctuations in estrogen that contribute. Still this feeling of disassociation bugs me. I may not feel I know who I am now. But I do. And I know Iím that chick who is fully present in the moment. Working on mindfulness today. Instead of feeling lonely, Iím learning that that leftover scent of his on that robe is delicious and to be celebrated. As is the sun shining as I finish my breakfast even though there isnít a companion in the chair across from me. I get to blessedly write and observe and be. So Iíll just have to keep learning to BE in this new life forged from this patched up heart and tears and a crapload of grit. Pen

10/29/2017 6:49:33 PM
I realize I am ill-equipped to function well in this new incarnation Iíve forged for myself. I talk of how Iím on the other side of it all, and how lovely the new place is, and how I can leave behind relationships that donít work for me anymore or feel remotely disrespectful. And it sure seems like thatís all the case. But truly I feel unmoored. Home WAS the house I lived in for 20+ years that was falling down around me. And my back up was my grandmotherís home and thatís gone too. So now home is just me and some place in my soul I canít quite find. Iím clinging to people in my past in an effort to find someone or something to hold on to so I donít just float away adrift. But thatís how I feel. I am disconnected from whoever I am or am supposed to be. Quite frankly, IDK how to live and be and where to go next. Without my children to do for, or others...it doesnít seem like thereís anything to me. Like Iím all words. But like my substance is just disappearing. I donít know how to be when I feel this lonely. I know Iím not really all that alone. But I feel absolutely abandoned sometimes and it cuts deeply. I donít even give credence to feeling. Itís all perspective. I think I get vulnerable and feel need and that young vulnerable child I once was finds her way out of my heart and into my head. And it drives me mad to want and need so much that I just cry. Like a weeping uncontrollable 2 year old in a tantrum. Well not quite itís more sad than mad. But damn it, Iím a grown ass woman who wants to be tucked in and coddled like a kitten. Maybe my fault for going all affectionate with TBH and indulging my desire for closeness and that man pillow. It softens me. It makes me care and I have no fucking tools to deal with caring about anyone but my children. My darling friend here tells me I deserve it. That I deserve a non d-bag who values the quality I can give. But I end up fucking it up. I have a terrible temper. Like a child who wants what she wants. I want hard. I want passionately. And my mouth ends up getting ahead of me and my words cut when I don'tí get it. IDK what to do. At present Iím going for a drink and light convo with a friendly bartender then walk back to a very elegant bed the size of a football field Iíll toss in. Pen

10/27/2017 7:11:44 AM
I get to frustration level fuck it much quicker than prior. I suppose since before the divorce I just had to take it and deal and didnít have much power to change anything. Though thatís not quite true. It was in process of change though it felt like running on a treadmill. One foot in front of the other only I never felt like I got anywhere. This now, is real change. Big change. GOOD change. And quite frankly, I donít want to share my time or space with assholes. Or even those lesser than assholes when are simply clueless and unappreciative of me. I enjoy the folks I meet. Iím the girl who partners up with the persona non grata in the room who is left out because of some annoyance or difference. Inclusive. Thatís me. I learn from everyone I meet. Now that means sometimes people get attached. But hell, I get that. Yíall know I get attached too. But I canít always be that personís go to. I canít be their newfound BFF. So there are boundaries. Kindness. But it took this girl a long time to find boundaries. And no oneís fucking up my parade anymore by stepping on my toes. An early conference today. Reconnection with folks who have known me and mine over a decade and wanted to talk all the changes. It feels good to get those pats on the back, literal and figurative. The one thing we all need is acknowledgement. We need to know weíre valued, a priority, and special individuals. And we need our efforts appreciated. Well this is me saying thanks yíall for your emails and kindnesses as Iíve bled my heart out on this forum. There were times a kind word read here tipped the balance and got me thru. Thank you. Pen

10/25/2017 3:01:24 PM
Wednesdays my cohorts and switch taking each other to lunch. Sometimes itís so rushed itís a quick slice and other days like today we can take a few hours. No one else in our lives really gets us the way we do each other. Professionally only we get it. Our personal lives differ and they claim to enjoy living vicariously through me as Iím the only singleton. Both are delighted by my weekend ahead. A fabulous room in charming town with the potentially charming TBH. They said, wait, I thought you said no more of him? I grinned and said ďI changed my mind.Ē No expectations. I donít even care the way I used to about having sex though close proximity to a delicious man tends to stoke that libido. But pillowtalk and sharing an experience and some good food and drink together works splendidly for me. We talked of D today at lunch. I listened to their suggestions last week and told him I missed him...way more touchy feeling than this girlís comfort level. I think it was lost on him. In any case, aside from a wishy washy voicemail, heís not behaving like a FWB let alone a friend. And darlings, Iím done feeling bad for one minute over a guy. We were there for each other in ways we both hadnít experienced before. The man got me thru some really hard stuff. And I appreciate him for that. But a friend is someone I SEE. And with all this nonsense, it wouldnít be enjoyable to dine with him or certainly not to share my bed. So enough. This brilliant peaceful new place is not for sharing indiscriminately. Itís a haven and anyone who doesnít contribute to my joy and peace doesnít get to come thru the door. Itís still a work in progress much like myself, but I have my old gate leg Hemingway table set up and clear so I can write in the center of things where I prefer to be. I even bought myself fleurs to continue to celebrate Freedom with a capital ďF.Ē Talking to my cohorts today about how different I feel, how I feel like I donít know who I am here...I realized itís because itís not HARD. Iím so used to complicated and messed up and hard that I donít quite know what to do with simple peace. Iíd forgotten, living with a creative type for years, that I have my own creative side. Itís been easy to forget as Iíve become this nearly unrecognizable analytical femme so different from the wide-eyed clueless wannabe princess who could only feel (and feeling nothing very good at that). Iím good at working with the cards Iím dealt and even better at nesting. Comfort, warmth, beauty and uniqueness are pretty much my hallmarks. Iíve come to the realization that Iím going to be the one in charge in my personal and professional lives for a very long time ahead, even though Iím still not quite sure why. Iím a good leader. Iím inclusive. Iíve little tolerance for bullshit and am apparently intimidating enough that folks arenít apt to deliver it for long. Iíd forgotten all that about me. Really Iíd forgotten me...and now it really is a whole new world. IDK why Iím in such a state to straighten out and define relationships too, as if my unpacking and organizing should extend across the board...it neednít. But I really am free. I could date, have a guest over, and do all the things I cautiously avoided before the divorce was final even though the marriage was long over. Iím a conservative sort on some levels. I want this place to live and be full and peaceful and be a haven for more than us, because that truly is what it is. Pen

10/22/2017 9:07:33 AM
Iím beginning to think it may behoove me to talk to a counselor as I continue to transition into this divovced person I am but havenít quite figured out how to be. I donít even know if itís about being divorced. Itís akin to that feeling post college when I decided to leave my hometown for NYC. Everything was new. Resources slim. And I had to be very very brave. Back then I was a sweet young thing and beautiful enough to turn heads. I also got more job offers based on my looks than my brain. All of those I was smart enough to turn down. Now though. Itís not so unfamiliar. I remain in the same town though being this side of the main drag is a very different experience. I take completely different roads to get to most of my regular errand sites. I donít drive home along the water in the morning but I walk to it. Iíve taken to leaving binoculars in the upstairs bath as perhaps the best view from this odd house is from the shower. Early morn an enormous buck was picking his way through the water at low tide. My sons manage to kayak til about 7 feet away from the protected creatures here as they continue to drink from the brook. Iím getting to know the birds. Twin brothers, the blue jays, who come together find tasties in the areas os the lawn the deer churn up. Honeybees. Someone must have a hive around here. The usual squirrels. Schools of bait fish and visiting carp swimming past in the water. I put a bench at the end of the yard which seems to have replaced the big chair I used to have in my bedroom but no longer fits in these smaller rooms. A teenage friend of my sons stopped by to visit the water and talk of his problems with his brother. My younger too is fond of the same spot, though he usually prefers on or in the water to watching it. I still return to the old house for bits that I find I can use after all since not every thing sold. Though needed, I think it was a mistake mixing business and pleasure with D. It is never good mixing money with friendship. Another day of no communication on both our parts has me letting go. This is too much thought. Too much effort. Iím at my core a wise investor. If the time, energy and emotion I invest shows little return, well then itís time to get out even if it cuts a bit. Yesterday the children and I discussed how astonishingly quickly they heal and how much longer it takes older people to do so. Iím not particularly quick at healing, but I eventually do. Iíll consider that a blessing. Iíd taken a break from typing as my younger two started arguing in the kitchen space that seems to be where everyone loses their temper. Itís very narrow, poorly designed with appliances tacked on her and there as afterthoughts rather than integrated into the design. But it is modern and clean with appliances superior to my own in the old place. The lighting needs work too. But the problem falls with a family who is accustomed to cooking together and spending time together in the kitchen. We canít do that here. One person canít pass another witty the refrigerator open. Itís a singletonís kitchen. And we gripe at each other and fight for space. Iím working on it, but other tthan adjusting to it, I haventí found a way to make it work. I think the old place fostered family and community in itís spaces, for all its faults. This place is more open in some ways, but the children spend more time in their private spaces than the living room or outdoor room. I hope I will be able to change that but they are adolescents. The tide has changed and is coming in fast since I returned to the outdoor space. This is truly the best part of the place. Iím thinking an early evening campfire might just bring them all out. I have noticed driving the various streets to get to this house that I was quite wrong about my idea of finally being able to live like everyone else. I suppose to me that meant a clean, well taken care of home with reliable heat, hot water, and electricity. A house that wasnít falling apart around me. A house Iím not embarrassed by. But I certainly wasnít the only one in town living barely ahead of the wave. Youíre busy. The repairs are endless. You spend 20+ years in a place and accumulate more and have piles of stuff youíve lived with for so long you no longer see them. It takes a major life event to truly edit. Lots of folks have messy yards and broken fences and work to do. Hell, most. I think I just lived in perfectville with way too many grumpy ass neighbors. Here Iím closer to the properties next door than the old place but itís more private. Quiet. Clean. And just a little bit wild if I go out to the private space in the back, but from the outside itís as tame as can be. Sort of like me. Or how I used to be. Quite frankly these days Iím not sure what face Iím wearing out in the world. Still kind. Still caring. But a bit more ďdeal with itĒ and selfish. Next weekend I take a long weekend for myself, my reward for the sheer grit and hard work it took to get to here. Iíve been here before though. I work years towards a goal. Then I get it. And Iím hmmm..WTF do I do now? Keep going I think. But I could use two strong hands on my shoulders and I sit here and type and a kiss on my forehead and one damn big hug. Pen

10/21/2017 6:44:05 PM
Yeah, so I told D I missed him. IDK that it makes a damn bit of difference. Heís fine with it all. Iím not. But then Iím already feeling this has gotten way more complicated than Iím in for. And I can feel myself begin to maintain distance. Not hard since he started distancing himself first. But then he has struggles with the blues so it could also be just that. In any case, he was here just when I needed him specifically. And it was lovely for a time. But he is impossibly young and doesnít realize what I do. That life can change on a dime, so grab it now. Live it now. Donít let one opportunity for connection go by, it thatís whatís important to you. And that is really what I live and work for...connection. So my libido is quieting. I wonder if my estrogen levels are lowering as they should in my early 50s. Or maybe Iím discovering Iíd rather adore the man I fuck. I think Iím discovering the connection I seek is more than sex. I really really really crave pillowtalk. Time in bed skin-to-skin. Stroking and being stroked. Kissing...oh I miss kissing. You know when your kissing and itís so delightful you feel your partnerís lips smiling under yours? Heavens, I want that. And yeah, I sure would love to love...but love seems to come with expectations. And Iím thinking maybe a few expectations arenít such a bad thing. Fidelity. Yes, I can be monogamous if both agree. Though Iíd explore with the right guy. Physical presence. As busy as I am, once a week seems a simple thing to manage. Is that enough for a relationship? IDK. Sex sure. But intimacy more so. Iíll admit it. Iím lonely. And I donít live alone other than alternate weekends and one eve a week. But it feels like itís a whole new world out there. And I am no longer attached even by threads. But Iím a girl who lives connection. Personally. Physically. Professionally. Itís bone deep. I am connected as I am still the confidant to most. But I want the balance of being taken care or as much as I do the same. I really need to be treated as precious to just one soul. And do the same for him. But tonight, fuck it. Ha! Iíll turn on the electric blanket on my bed. Not look for texts since everyone assumes Iím still too busy with the move to talk. And Iíll tuck in all warm and lose myself in my new series The Finder. But first Iíll look at the progress today thanks to my stellar son and his drill. The hump of the pot rack finally up and loaded. More moved to vertical space as necessary in small spaces. Kayaks out today with the high tide. And furniture repairs to the damaged pieces. Not bad. If I canít have connection, Iíll celebrate progress. That, at least, Iíve finally achieved. Pen

10/18/2017 12:13:08 PM
I am the elder.  I am the confidant.  I've always been the keeper of secrets so tell me they do.   I don't particularly want to be, but if there's need I serve.   Yeah, y'all thinking she's such a sub! But that's not it at all.  I'm learning the other side.  To reveal.  To ask.   But damn it's hard.   As much as my skin looks thick, it's not.  Certainly it's better than the sensitive young woman I was, hurting at every perceived slight.   But in my center, post marriage and post cuck, I am still the woman not chosen.  Not wanted.   And that consciousness, as old and wounded as it left me is a sore spot that still plagues me.   So I manage expectations.   And I manage attachment.  I leave first.  I make sure to have other options since I'm never sure if anyone will actually follow through or show up.   

My cohort today...she told me to simply tell D when next I hear from him that I miss him.  I do. I miss a great many things.  And a very few men.   I miss D.  I miss our easiness.  I miss TBH.   I miss his wit, his skin, and his grin.   And I quite definitely miss our conversation.  The sound of his voice.  But then missing...wanting...makes me decidedly uncomfortable.   I just keep thinking if I can manage not to want or expect, there's no heartbreak.   I want ease and joy and love, sure.   But I'll be damned if I walk into a situation again where I get fucked over.   

My friends tell me I say one thing.  And I push men away.   But that I want a relationship.   Of course, who doesn't?  But I am finally free!   Is seeing a man once a week or so sans the children a relationship?   IDK too many who would find such limits satisfactory.   But yes, sure, I crave deeper.  I crave mutual support.  I crave physicality.  And I crave full knowledge and celebration of who the other is.   I suppose I should decide and go after it.  But it's been a long time since I've wanted any guy enough to pursue him.   I'm too conscious of my own dignity and preservation.   

Pen

10/17/2017 9:42:45 PM
Time to get back in touch with friends. Friends I'm not sleeping with, as busy as we all are. Darling Dom this evening. Oh, I've missed him. But he is deep in a relationship with a lovely woman, so such takes precedence as it must. I'm happy he's found someone who truly appreciates him rather than the past girlies who've taken him for granted. He is the best of men. Kind. Helpful. Generous of his time and knowledge. And without pettiness. I'm privileged to know him. He advised me...(and I wrote it down lest I forget) to have a discussion with D. Ask what does he want as a minimum out of this friendship? And determine what I want. Then does it match up? Does it overlap? Will it work or not going forward? I like it. Real. Fearless. Simple. Of course I'm not sure a 39-yr-old who still thinks he has all the time in the world to find and decide what he wants has any idea what that actually is yet. I want to see my friends, those with benefits or not, a couple times a month. Add benes and it's more like weekly (not daily) work schedules providing. I don't need daily contact nor daily calls. But benes for me come with snugs, sleepovers, sharing a shower now and then, and breakfast before beginning the day and going our separate ways. Not very much to ask I'd think. But then there's the other part of me that would love a weekender. A sleep in, fuck fest, time stands still, delicious feast of each other. Now I no longer have to nor will I be quite a circumspect about who I am seeing since I am truly single in every sense of the word. If the ex is late, well, someone may arrive to pick me up. And he's most often late. Perhaps it will teach him to arrive on time. But the children should get that I have a social life and learn from it. It's past time. I'm not talking sleepovers when the house is full. Not for a long time unless he's more than anything I've had before. Then we'll see. I should be in bed. Or writing something on deadline and far more professional. But the time to get this down is now. Pen

10/16/2017 8:17:13 AM
I sleep well. Better than before. I've mentioned the mold and dust and age of the old place didn't serve my upper respiratory system well. It IS so clean and fresh and there is a breeze here more often than not. I'm slacking at present. Avoiding must do work that soon I'll stop typing here and do. I can't focus. I wake wanting. Not much. I crave spending a whole morning in bed with a delicious naked male form. That heat. The texture. Skin against skin. That edge of sandpaper to morning kisses. A languorous slow immersion in each other. It sounds a damn bit more romantic than my usual "I just want to fuck" and so it is. Texture. I crave texture and comfort and heat. And I confess, I crave companionship. When you work so damn hard to achieve any goal, you get there and don't know what to do next. And here I am. Oh there's still a ton to do to pull things together here. But it's livable if you keep your eyes above the boxes. And each day I try to make their quantity fewer. I do have people to share this with...my small family and that is lovely to watch. I couldn't find my girl last night. She had tucked herself into one of the hammocks out back last night with her music. I found her (for the second time) fast asleep out there and giggling as I woke her to find she'd done it again. The children are adjusting and happy enough. Though I no longer have the chair in my bedroom for all to visit and tuck in with me as this one is too small. New routines are in order. Now I make rounds myself, but I'm missing that ritual. I suppose on some level I want to invite folks over to both share it and say "See? I came out okay after all...". IDK where the desire comes from. But it IS so very quiet here. I adore the peace but I'd like to see some life and hear a little noise. I'm not a country mouse but more a small town girl. Though this is only blocks from the main drag, it feels like another world. And those places are made to share with someone you want to be with. I think on grey days and in a house not as well lit as the old, my solitude is magnified. There's no sound at all but of my typing the keys and the occasional bird call. I'm not sure I like it. Such a contrary puss... Work calls. Pen

10/15/2017 6:16:27 PM
I'm expanding. A good choice when anyone takes up more thought and energy than he's present. Been there. Done that. Not doing again. A party last night. And though sure, they're shallow, I like to flirt. I like to drink bubbly and get loose and watch folks fucking and fuck a great deal myself. I like big cocks. And generally the men who like to play at a party are sporting either confidence or size and either works just dandy with just a little skill. I admire beautiful men though I don't particular want to keep a gym rat. I check out the most fit...reach for their hands. Soft hands and no calluses means it's all gym muscle. Now kudos to them for their efforts, but the man whose calluses match his muscles turns me on. Rough hands on soft breasts...the contrast is delicious. But I'll admit I love cock in all it's variety, though uncircumsized less so. Foreskins are tricky to manage in a bj and I end up getting directed. Directing a woman with your cock in her mouth is generally a recipe for getting said cock right out of her mouth... Made it home late and was cooking dinner at 1 am as I prefer to save eating for when I'm not planning on doing some challenging fucking. Cast iron pan, steak, 1 am...and yes, the smoke detector works. Me in stockings and dress with cleavage to my waist, well fucked hair, stage whispering "shit, shit, shit!!!" And fanning the detector to get it to stop screaming. I had visions of the local cop & fire department showing up and seeing this girl-next-door all tarted up. But it's damn fun to get tarted up. I don't usually. The men I actually date generally prefer a non-slut look publicly as do I. But I'm thinking it's time to push that envelope a bit more. And dating shorter men, I leave the heels at home. Time to go tap, tap, tapping down my new walkway again. I'd realized in my talk with D that I'd been editing myself for him. Going utterly respectful, neighborly, fitting in. And that's me, sure. But really I dislike conformity. I like being able to do it. But I'd rather have redder hair and lips, longer lashes, higher heels and an ass a man wants to bite. And I want attention. I want a guy to want fuck me. I want to see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. I want to get back to that irreverent girl who makes him laugh and his eyes widen as she "inadvertently" brushes hand against his cock walking beside him. And I want him hard. Impossibly hard. For ME. But I chose not to call up rock star today as much as I want to. Time to take a little distance from sex and reconnect with friends. I can't focus all this energy in the pursuit of cock. I want quality. And yeah, I want connection. And that's the guy I want to fuck. I'm stuck on the idea of what D and I used to have. We'd get together whenever we could. Dinner, lots of fucking, tucking in, pillow talk, sleep, morning fuck. Shower, walk the dog, breakfast with lots of touching, and then off to our respective days. And I'd hear from him freely texting without worry whenever during the day. It was simply nice. Satisfying. Friendship. And determinedly respectful. Respect is a huge must with me. I may just have to search for that in someone else. I don't want to edit me. I'm damn well not doing that eggshell thing without crushing them underfoot. And just like y'all I simply want to be wanted in that moment in time more than anything else period. Pen

10/14/2017 9:10:48 AM
I'm confused still again. I had become concerned about D & I getting together at non prime times as the last time or two I was left less than satisfied. Odd though, nooners were once something I embraced. We ended up discussing it though I couldn't put a word on it, he could. Cheap. It felt cheap. Now there are times when you feel mutually supported and connected when cheap is pure fun. But my view of sex is that of pure joy, mutual need, and deepening connection. I don't always need to be made love to. Yet combine lovemaking with that rough needy seeming lack of control (passion, I'd say) and that's why I am so driven to the experience. Perhaps its more that I've been maintaining a shell. There was a time I talked and felt and cried to others and NEEDED. I still do all the same, but it's impossibly hard to do much of the above about the most intimate things I feel without losing my composure. And a woman who is piling up tissues on the bedside table as she expresses her truth is discounted as hormonal rather than the authentic self she is being. And so I learned to be listened to by tamping down what I feel, what I want beyond fucking, and managing expectations. But I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to BE instead of manage emotion. I want to feel what I feel. Say it. Live it. Easier said than done when as much as my skin has thickened, I still get deeply hurt by the tiniest indicators that I am not a priority. I've said outright I have "bad tapes" running...my friends laugh and ask if they are cassettes or VHS? Abandonment issues, check. Lack of parental and extended familial support, check. Confidence issues, as much as it pains me to admit something I see as so adolescent, I have to admit in view of everyone else's certainly of my capability and my certainty of my failure...it's got to be a check. What I am is a great mom. That I can say with confidence. I'm funny, loving, and THERE. My children never doubt they are loved as I did. And they never will. I am super kind to others, especially the misunderstood. Those folks whose ways annoy others, the ones who speak and others roll their eyes...outsiders...I know what that feels like even if they aren't conscious of that dubious distinction. And I defend the underdog tirelessly. I had several cohorts whisper to me as they left our lecture this week "you are a good, good person" as I reached out to work with a woman no one else wanted to on a new project. Lonely kids always have a place here in my home wherever it might be. There is a whole segment of boys, especially, (those who naturally crave being pack animals) on the spectrum or less confident because of their differences who are rejected by peers. These days it's not always overt. But they'll see 4 or 5 boys from their lunch table at school bike by laughing and talking smack and remain confused and sad at how they are never asked to join them outside of school. I celebrate differences. I find brains that work differently than the neurotypical a joy. Hence my attraction to quirky, interesting men... In my unpacking I've found my stash of books I can't keep on my living room bookshelves. Bend over Boyfriend. The Loving Dominant. The Ethical Slut. Old friends those. Not that I have any desire at present to peg a man, as much as he may feel differently. Dominance, well, I crave more receiving than giving these days. Not being told what to do so much, mind you, that just gets annoying. But to trust a man again enough to be tied...oh I crave it. Or just being fucked hard and deep, being held down, filled so completely...and feeling his weight collapse on top of me for minutes as he comes. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. And then there's post...he rolls off me onto his back, grinning, impossibly proud of his prowess and my satisfaction, and pulls me to him tucking my head on his chest. I'd love a kiss on my head, stroking my hair, and a blessed "OMG that was amazing" tuck in... I had a discussion with D last evening. Post sex. In my bed. Naked. I suck at this stuff. But don't we all. Essentially told him it was time to end our sexual relationship. He's a talker, unlike many men, hell, most I've been involved with. Discussions of distance, lack of foreplay, missing kissing, and just how the quality and effort of our times together has lessened. I am very sensitive to not being a priority in the lives of people I care about. And I lose trust. I start walking on eggshells. And I become disingenuous. I don't mean to. I don't want to. But once I feel insecure in a relationship, I protect myself. It's really as simple as your time together losing ease. I truly believe relationships don't have to and shouldn't be hard. There are times, yeah. But lose that ease and you live on edge. And this girl is only going edgy sexually. There's more. I'm confused. We ended up fucking again. And he pulled out all the stops. Kissing. I'm a little fucked as if you've been reading me for a time you know I have difficulty sharing my bed overnight. But with D, damn it, I'd begun to like it. Crave that heat, the possibility of waking up and fucking in the middle of the night, and starting off the day the same. Being taken to breakfast. All so respectful and UNcheap. And then going on with our respective days, grinning and glowing. I adore who D is. He's a good guy and he makes the effort to be a great friend. His concern is losing our friendship. It's a concern. But IDK if I want to be friends with a man I look at and want to fuck. We theoretically left it as keeping it as it is. But theory versus practice after I brought it all out into the open (and it hurt to do so!)...well, we'll see how it goes I suppose. I do know I don't want him in my bed. Hell, I don't know that I want anyone here, in this serene special place who doesn't want to be fully present with me. I wanted to crawl out my skin and cleanse myself of him last night before our discussion. It felt as if he was disrespecting the privilege of being allowed into this. "This" is here, this serene place, this odd little cottage of sorts. I fed the animals, brought my simple breakfast outside after finally sleeping to 10 am after weeks of 5:30 am. It's overcast, rain drops come and go, but this glorious covered patio remains a haven. Noon church bells are ringing. Birds feeding and chirping, some of which this nature girl doesn't recognize and will learn. The water isn't moving as fast as I usually see it, so I expect its somewhere between the tides at present. Mature pines, holly and oak trees here compared with maples and ornamental flowering trees at the old place. And the children managed to hang a rope swing already from one of the oaks in the back. Hammocks and rope swings wherever we go... THIS is lovely. Now to manage my connections to be the same. Maybe that's my issue, the word "manage." Maybe I should just let them all go and see who or what sticks. IDK darlings. Advice would be welcome. I don't want to leave everything behind. But I do want to progress and simply be with folks I appreciate who appreciate ME. Pen

10/12/2017 7:41:07 AM
And so I've said my goodbyes to my big old house. † After giving the†children one more round at making sure they took all they needed, I turned off the main breaker and figured that was that. † But later I realized the heat was still on so returned solo to turn it way down and did a walk through. † Nearly a spiritual experience. †I felt as if I didn't do the old girl, the house, right as the next folks who take her may likely tear her down. † And thought I should just say thank you. † And so I did. † As I walked through I saw the trim where all my children's heights were marked from birth to nearly present, took pictures, but nearly took a crowbar to it and brought it along. † It can be reproduced. ††

I felt as if I were leaving her worse than she deserved, the house. ††
After all she did shelter us through births, the decade I lived there with my ex and the decade without, the hurricane, and heavens...all that came†in-between. † But then I looked at the elements I left better. †And I did care for the home as best I could for a time until I†couldn't †anymore. † It's been a few years she's looked like a down on her luck iffy lady house. † But there's still that base of beauty. †And really it's the longest time I've lived anywhere, so I suppose it was home although I'm reluctant to give that placeholder to any but my Gran's cape. † So†whatever prayer I uttered or silent thoughts or energy emanated...I hope someone makes a go of her. †I'd†like to see the house continue, problems and all. †But it'll take more resources and money than I have. ††

So†goodbye old girl. †You were appreciated and loved and sheltered me and mine through more than I can express. †And I'm grateful.

And I'm teary even though I know this is GOOD. †The†timing of so much has reinforced the rightness of the†decisions I made months ago. † And at the time I was just hoping I was making the†right choices rather than being stupid. †Well it seems this brain can do more than put words on a screen. † And it both looks and feels like a really GOOD progression.

The new house is only blocks away. †It feels like a new world. † I can still hear the†church bells. †I enjoy that. † But I rarely hear road noise. †It's a street few but residents drive down, but†everyone for blocks walks their dogs past the front picture window. †I've seen dozens of†goldens, labs, the doodle ones, the little fluffy yappy ones I don't like as much, and the occasional Newf. †I love the Newfs. † But then y'all know I'm a size queen.
Ha!

I suppose it's the water that makes it so different. †Watching it rise and fall each day, flow changing with the tide...it makes change seem less frightening and more, well...normal. † My youngest called me down to the water a few mornings ago. †The carp were back. †Big fish, some 24-36" long, near the†surface of the water. †I could see their scales. † It's like a big†version of koi pond in the backyard that I blessedly don't have to take care of. † Last night there were deer at the end of the yard. † I watch geese†swimming†upstream in the morning from the†window in the shower and it just makes me breathe deeper purer air. †This is the sort of place I search for. †The off the beaten track natural places I pack up my children and†road trip. †But here....here I don't want to leave so much. † †That is decidedly new. † And I think it should be shared. †I'm still†working on how to open it up and become that hostess I was once before where I lived became a place we weren't comfortable bringing other folks. † It will start with my children as it already has with old friends stopping by and helping them unpack. † It's a beautiful spot and another odd house, this one littler, just as we needed. †

I've managed to†find toys again. †Though as I talk to a former neighbor it becomes increasingly clear that in this part of town everyone knows everyone else's business. † †I'm not apt to swallow down my proclivities and stop. †But privacy and noise control are elements I need to address. † Darling Dom already looked it up and mentioned the trees one could be tied too...ha! †Funny man. †Not here. † But I can see and feel an opening. †Blossoming†perhaps. † I do know my things that I†kept look differently here. †I see them again. †I enjoy those elements that made the cut, what I love. † The children are less happy with more†limited indoor space, but I expect that will come in time and when they are fully unpacked. † Or perhaps they're just grumpy with takeout for a week...(Are you EVER going to cook again??)

D and I have business to discuss†tomorrow evening. †I expect we'll do more. † Oh my. †I just used the word "expect." †That's new. † Quite frankly it would be divine to just have a bf experience and tuck in for one night, arms around me and my head on a furry chest. † I've been in charge of too much. †And this move has pushed me†physically (I still hurt in†every†minuscule muscle I have) and in my†temperament. † I'm less patient when there was so much, seemingly endless things to do. † Unlike me. †But†perhaps less patience†would serve me well at present. †

It's so warm here. †Instantly. † I thought I'd miss the big radiators. †And perhaps I will in winter with wet snowy clothes and nowhere to dry them. † But a little chill and boom, that high efficiency furnace that's so small it fits in a closet, warms the house in 10 minutes then it's off. † I'm hoping I'm pleasantly surprised by utility bills. † This is going to sound odd from a chick who so much likes†to buck the trend, but I feel like a normal person. †Like I can finally live like other people live. †Though that's not quite the right expression. † Lots of thoughts. †Lots of serenity. †And still plenty of work to go. ††

Pen






10/10/2017 8:30:58 PM
Nearly all done with my move, though I go back to the old house to pull still more from it and load up the back of my truck.    Mirrors from the back of doors, fancy hardware hooks, shaker peg racks from our impromptu mudroom, and the pieces that didn't sell from the sale I couldn't quite walk away from.  Still...this is less.  And one thing downsizing does while you're still reasonably capable is force one to order.   The pictures for example, a box here and another there, some at the bottom of a fancy tin, all over the place...you manage to organize it all in one place, so the unneeded can just go.   Paperwork, however, is a bane.   I'd forgotten the girl who filed and alphabetized and kept track and had the most perfect everything including records.  Heavens I must have been insufferable.   Shred versus recycle mixed paper.   

My first experience with movers, though my father and some of his sons have made a living at it for years.   Under the table money and he could hide it and not pay support.   They pretty much sucked, though nice enough guys.   But careless.  Missing pieces, damaged the few good things (not that I care overly much, but still I PAID them).   And def not the most professional crowd.  Like a group of adolescents.   I tipped them well all the same as they did seriously hard ass work.   And we'll see if the company ever makes good on the repairs.   

Odd little house this is.  But we are going to be happy here.  

It's sad going back to the old place.  She looks abandoned.  And so she is, though I always thought of her as an old lady we had to keep going, it's just a house.  I think it looked like someone didn't really LIVE there for quite some time, even when we did.   So much work I couldn't keep up with.   My ex has already made a last minute excuse to see the children one eve and drop something by the new place.   I had him wait at the curb.  

This is the first time I've lived in a real neighborhood.   I'd always lived and been quite at home on busy streets.   The quiet, the lack of road noise, it's amazing and not that far away.   At night I hear tree frogs and an occasional quack.   And the ice maker in the freezer.   It makes a noisy girl worry what I'll do should I have a guest.  I joined Apple music at last, figuring this musical ignoramus needs some cover noise.   Already I know who is who on the street.  Now of course that means they know of me.   I wonder how I'm described.   Divorced, long time town resident, parent...and nice.  I'm less nice now than I used to be.

I've been such a workhouse pulling this together and trying to leave no trace behind of who I am.   It's meant nada play solo or otherwise.   I'm almost afraid to stop, to lose momentum.   I hurt.   Muscles tight.   But at present I hurt physically only.  Not emotionally or mentally.  Though part of me wonders at how charming this is coming together.   Slowly of course as tweaking it and making small spaces work for 4 people, particularly in the challenge of a kitchen, is tricky.   The lighting and grey fashionable walls in the main area are awful but that too I'll figure out.  I'll save a fortune in electricity I hope.   

I feel as if my body chemistry changed.  I've had a hoarseness to my voice for years.   And after 4 nights of fresh air and open windows, well there feels like there's more room in my head and throat.  Ha!  You evil men...not for that purpose as of yet.   I am curious as to what solo feels like here.   Soon I'll find out.   

To bed.

Pen

 



10/3/2017 10:16:19 PM
It's time I weaned myself from D and that "younger men have such great energy" bullshit. We all have great energy with sufficient motivation. He did ask me to dinner this evening. I could barely spare the time, but I know it is good for me to de-stress. I paid for dinner when he excused himself (keeps me feeling in the Dominant position). I did not let him stay and that's new. I don't think he can figure out what has changed. There's only one man I've ever called my "fuck toy," and that said completely endearingly. But I'm beginning to understand what a fuck toy is. For all my libido, I hate the word "play." Or "the lifestyle." Yet I love sex and certainly have it often, and great sex at that, without emotion to clutter the purity of sensation up. But hell, even I know sex with emotional connection is beautiful. And I do want creampie intimacy. I want to fuck my guy regularly and be completely filled with his cock and cum. I want to carry that bit of him around with me each day, as I feel my panties moisten as his cum slides between my thighs. I want to hold on to him both figuratively and literally. It might be time to chose narrower options. Pen

10/2/2017 8:31:42 PM
I'm so confused anymore. IDK if I want to relationship-ize a man I'm interested in or not (ha! As if it's all my choice!). But oh, I crave someone to curl into just one of these nights. I'm in charge of EVERYTHING. And I suppose I usually am. But everything right now is too much for one person. So much for keeping my bedroom in the new place sancrosanct. Yeah, D & I already fucked there. Maybe I AM a slut. If so, I'm certainly an ethical one. Friday night's date and I had a discussion about Maslow's pyramid of self actualization. Sounds way more intellectual than it is. Look it up. The idea is you have to take care of basic needs before you can look towards more relational and personal fulfillment needs. I.e. If you have no food to eat, you aren't going to be worried about finding work or relationships that nurture you. You have to eat first. I've seen sex on the base level of the pyramid along with food, shelter, warmth. Basics you need to ensure survival. But then sexual intimacy is listed further up the pyramid. Now I'm a basic sort of girl at heart for all the complications that come my way. And there's nothing simpler than a good fuck to me. To be scheduled regularly, just like breakfast/lunch/dinner. Just add sex to the day. Makes me happy, keeps me loose, and connected. I believe it. But perhaps it's just my rationalization. I need to have my life make sense to me intellectually. Treating sex as a basic need on the to do list makes sense to me. Now yeah, once you get skin-to-skin sex feels a whole lot more than basic. But that view keeps my moral compass in check. D...heavens I am fond of him. But now that I've fucked him it's like I got my fix (oh dear) and am okay without for a bit. He's quirky. I like men who are different. Heaven knows though I married one of those and that didn't work so well. He's not a man who would appeal to everyone. But I find him attractive, his eyes slay me, he makes me laugh, and he is vocal in bed. I know I need a man who is vocal in bed... He pushed the rapproachment. And I pushed back. I realized I was adjusting myself to fit into his and my neighborhoods. Dressing more proper, behaving more so too. And stagnating with boredom in the see and be seen scenes we've been pulled into. NOT me at all. But women do this. And I certainly do. I mirror him and his interests. But it's time I just plain stopped. I let my inner cat out. Teased, tortured, challenged him. Verbal gymnastics. Eventually it lead to a discussion about rough sex. How I like it. But I know he could never go there. He was offended! LOL. Just like when a guy asks if I think he's kinky and I invariably say "no." I grabbed him, pushed him up against the back kitchen wall, hands pinned above his head and asked him if he'd done anything like THIS before? It DID turn him on. He claims so with an ex gf. But IDK. He did manage to secure my arms behind me as he began kissing me hard and spanking my ass until we managed to see someone coming up the walkway from the corner of our eyes. Oops! Best wait for window treatments. And sure, yes, we did fuck eventually. And it was marvelous. There is some serious chemistry. But I should've stayed away from younger men. I will say this. For all my craving for a man pillow and a nice relationship to finish off getting my life in order here...I am beginning to feel and live rather bad ass. And bad ass is pretty much what I aspire to at present. You tell me gentlemen...is badass more appealing than feminine and nice in a woman? I'd like to know. Be well, Pen

9/30/2017 11:46:34 AM
Continuing my efforts to manage my attachments...sigh...what a lot of bullshit that all is. I should just let myself fall and feel. But even I recognize that's not going happen unless he's all in too. One way I deal when wanting a particular guy who is not available is to date another. Last night was a lovely date. A great, great local place I hadn't been before but will be spending way more time visiting, this time with my family. Dark & stormies, sunset view, outdoors, fire pits to ward off the chill...conversation and an attentive date. It's odd though. Each time I meet him I'm surprised at how attractive he is and tall. But then as our time together goes on he seems less attractive. That's opposite the way it usually goes for me. He's clearly interested. Has a real job. Takes great care of his children and spends 50% plus with them. Has invited me to his home. Check, check, check, check, check. And did I mention he has an enormous dick? Check! So WTF is wrong? Well he's not recovered from his divorce in February. He lives in what was their house. Much like I did. And I find the time capsule makes the air in the place heavy. Too much stuff. And he's still in the zone where he likes stuff. Big house. Big boat. 4 cars for two drivers. His ex's decor and maintenance projects ahead into ad infinitum. I get it. I was there. But his baggage is more than palpable. It's all around him. And that would be okay, if he weren't so much a director. At the restaurant, at his home, driving directions, sexually...he directs me. And that darlings is fucking annoying. And he's NICE. But I see shades of OCD/ADD. Not that he's alone. Hell, y'all know I admire color ordered clothes on hangers and alphabetized spices. I actually find OCD in a man appealing. But then I adore quirky men. But this guy's idea of who he is doen't really match what I see. And if I get directed one more time on keeping my leg straight or not to squeeze my pussy when I cum....seriously??? That's called not cumming to me. But he tries. And I do think he sees me. Though more as an experienced and smart girl than a vulnerable one. I guess I want someone to see all of me. The desirable and less so parts. And to find my quirks and imperfections delightful as I would his. But that's not happening. I did have a conversation with D. I reached out for his opinion on a personal issue he had knowledge of. And we began discussing more. He thought we were together last week. We weren't. He asked me out to dinner last night. I had to say no, sorry, I have dinner plans. He didn't leave it. And this isn't the first time he's asked last minute and I've had plans. But this is the first time he asked if it was with a friend, family, a date? And I swallowed and said "date." More questions. And he did say he snoozed he lost. But he'll be here during the day tomorrow, when I will have a family member here to ensure no intimacy. We have business to discuss. D offered the "more" we do. That's code for fucking folks. I sort of tripped up with "oh, you still want to do that sort of stuff?" He was flummoxed. "What do you mean?" And It seagued into my date conversation. How I figured we were moving past such things but of course valued our friendship. Think "blah, blah, blah" here and you'll get an idea of the bull shit coming filterless from my mouth. He was like "wait, didn't we go to blankety-blank last Thursday." Nope. That was several weeks ago. I did mention I really missed the jewelry I inadvertently left at his house weeks ago so it would be great if he could bring it. And he told me let him know if I need help with the move. I should've said I'm the one who doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. Though I do. But I'm attached. I think. IDK if it's emotion or just that natural desire that happens when you don't see a someone for awhile. I hard to bring anyone into my topsy turvy home at present. And the new place...the new place is a sanctuary of sort. No guy has shared my bed there. And I'm stuck on the idea my new bedroom should be my soul space for lack of a better word. I don't want to be in my bed, haunted by a man I want. Whether it's TBH or D. Neither are here. Neither wants just me. And I think I'm transitioning to wanting a guy who wants just me. But fuck, I do believe that's called a relationship and I would have to give a whole lot more than I've been giving. Am I selfish? Wanting to keep that space pure? Maybe I'm looking for that long lost innocent Pen who did relationships and cared oh so so much. I still care. I can't help but care. But I'm really lost. It's a whole new deal. It's good. It's serious ass progress. But darlings, this Pen is different from who I thought I was and what I thought I wanted. I want both less and more. And I"m still figuring out what that means. Pen

9/28/2017 7:56:02 PM
Push me/pull me bullshit. Ever read Dr. Doolittle? Or seen the old original movie? There's a llama like creature with two heads and four legs called a push me pull me. It has trouble deciding which way it wants to go. So too apparently does D. There's a lovely local bar/restaurant tucked away that mostly locals fill. Occasionally live tunes. Female only bartenders which I like. Women take care of women. Especially us older dames. D found it mentioned in a review and sent it to me. Talking of how he wanted to go sooner. I told him I'd take him one eve. Now he's poking around to try to slide into my weekend ahead after saying he could stop by Sunday only to take some pics for the final sale. He offered whatever else I might want. But no. I say I'll try anything twice. Well I tried to reconnect with him twice. And the ensuing unsatisfactory sex also twice. There's no reason to repeat any of that. Of course in prepping for another joint biz venture he'll be here. But you know what? I did what women do. I edited myself for him. I tried harder. I created time for him. And looking back on my calendar, it was good for 6-7 weeks. Then I started to feel eggshelly. Either I started to want him more or he started to try less. Isn't that the usual way of it? But I do know I have not been my usual irrepressible self with him. The confidence (even if it is only a fake it til I make it act) has been dim. Time to toss all that nonsense out. And just be. Be the woman who tied TBH to a chair and had her way with him first date. Be the woman who works her ass off then gets in her car and road trips her solo weekends away. And be the new chickadee in her multilevel little nest. This IS going to be good. Tonight I had my rather large and very strong son help move still more bins and the mattresses that arrived in boxes. These magic Amazon hybrid memory foam, gel, whatever mattress that come in a box and take a few days to get back to size are the funniest things. And very very comfortable it seems. My girl took over the back table outside like I usually do. But we ended the evening tying up my camping hammocks between two trees that looked ideal and they were! Hammocks before beds. I could spend an easy night in that hammock and just might this weekend. I used to spend nights outdoors on hammocks before the kiddos. And one of the most gorgeous nights of my life was spent in a hammock between the masts of a sailboat. I still remember my ex horrified at bugs and noises anchored on the Chesapeake. While I wrapped myself in the hammock and nary one bothered me. There's something wonderful about moonlight. I think it works magic on my skin. New agey folk like my sister know moonlight cleanses crystals, perhaps it cleanses hearts too. Mine could use a good clean out. Pen

9/28/2017 10:27:12 AM
I felt as if I were going to cry all morning. IDK if its the move, though truly the new place has become a refuge. The tidal water moving at the end of the yard, this time east & out to the ocean, soothes. I had my lunch here at the table outdoors covered with a low roof and the freshly painted concrete patio. It's beautiful. And there's wind in the trees. That sound of leaves is more peaceful here. At the old house there was always the concern of where to park my car in case another branch fell. Not well maintained by me in my last years there, but resources were short. I suppose like the divorce this is another deconstruction. The last remainder of our lives together and left to me to sort out until I am truly out and then my ex gets the mess of the rest of it. I was a steward of that house and its history. Of the endless artifacts, painstakingly tucked away. Such effort and time I must have put in for years...and for what? Boxes to tuck in an attic? My friends are aghast at how I will just walk away from what doesn't sell and leave. No one understands why I wouldn't store everything until I need it another day. But that's the key. I won't need anything more than this. Anything I adore has come here with me, carefully. The rest is just stuff. I value people, moments, and experiences over stuff any day. And I can see this place being all about just that. Of course I blamed most of my edge of tears morning on D. But that's partly bullshit on my part. I simply don't feel particularly wanted right now. And there are times I need that. I just realize I want to date who I fuck. A party is a party if I'm not dating exclusively and can scratch a multitude of itches. And there's always that attention I want. I'm somewhat abashed to admit I want attention as if I were a child. But I do. And I want to be wanted the way I have wanted a few men. It makes me grin from ear-to-ear. But so too do other activities. And those I'll work on at present. Today was the day I scurried to my car with a bag of rope & chains, another of various other delicious toys, and the whip/cane/crop which don't fit into any bag. I figured best get it in the back of my new bigger closet while most folks are at work. There's still endless paper to tackle and oh, I don't want to. That's the most depressing part. And these days you then have to get it shredded. Well I suppose with kink in the house, it's got to start sparkling. Now if I can manage to find my sparkle myself. I feel like a trudging dusty Clydesdale going round and round. And I so want to run away. But I won't. Pen

9/27/2017 6:38:45 PM
I'm puzzled. Mixed signals frustrate me. In this case it's D. It went from pretty fucking hot, mutually supportive, nice and respectful to well...less so. There's still the shell of it, but no real substance. And the last two times the sex went to not so fab. Not terrible, but a one shot deal. From multiple times that just seems...not seems...IS unsatisfying to me. Quite frankly it took D to teach me I don't just want to fuck, however strong my libido is. I want to date the men I fuck. And I'm not adverse to cutting that down to one man I date & fuck & might even get attached to. I'm decidedly miffed at D. Last free time I reached out, which is harder than you can imagine for me. No to that. My schedule is predicatable. And he's tried hard to see me in the past. But lately, nope. And his suggestions have gone down to one and done day time things. No thank you darling. It's not worth doing the laundry for a 10 minute shag. If I'm going to devote the time, my attention, shave most of my body, lotion/potion/smooth everything, and dress like I didn't try...well, fuck...you've got to try back. But we women don't tell men that. Mostly because it's supposed to be a mystery why we smell so good, our skin is so smooth, and our lashes so long. And heaven forbid we talk or expect much of anything. Idk...can I tell a guy to his face, no sorry, we aren't having sex anymore? See a woman would want to know why. A guy would probably just shrug and say "okay." But what if he asked why? He won't. Who would want to know the answer to that? I did reach out again to a guy I dated a few weeks back. One more try there. Quite frankly it would be a good break and I'd like to be with someone who I know wants to be with me. Bad tapes I suppose, too. It's my own personal baggage that feeling like some one I want doesn't want me makes me more upset than the situation should warrant. But hell, who doesn't need to feel wanted. Ever tried living with someone who didn't want you, let alone like or loved you? It's about the worst feeling in the world. Right up there with seasickness to me. I am happier with women these days. My cohorts. Other women of a certain age. That mutually supportive sisterhood. But I miss that man pillow feeling. It sucks since I finally learned how to sleep with someone only to find now I like it and miss it. I end up dreaming far too often of TBH which is totally weird since I haven't seen that man in months. Then I wake up to find myself wrapped around a pillow and I sigh in disappointment. I don't even need it all the time I think. Though it would be nice to have a regular thing. I'm just still afraid to want anyone enough that it hurts. Still trying to manage attachment. I still feel it. And I still want. But there's wanting to a point where I can somehow just shut it off. IDK if it just becomes that uncomfortable. Or my heart has trained itself based on the past few real relationships. I haven't had D to the new house. He doesn't know where it is. And part of me wants to keep it that way. I have this notion that the first guy who shares my bed there, at the new start, should be special. Should be one I want to keep. I don't mean marry. But I do mean someone I want to keep a part of my life. A real one. Real time. And who I am the same. It's really simple. I don't think I'm communicating well tonight since I'm not really sure what I want to say. But this bugs me. With D. Inconsistency bugs me. Be who you are. Be with the guy or girl you want. And be real. Up and down isn't real or consistent. And maybe I'm an adventurer at heart. But I'm consistently so. It's just so odd since a few weeks ago he was all over the place trying to help me sort out things. And then serious withdrawal. That's how I feel. So I'm writing it down. Pen

9/25/2017 4:02:09 PM
Part of this process getting me to here was the loss of a few old friends. It's not so much that they picked my ex's side as mutual friends will do, but rather that my marriage imploding made them terribly uncomfortable. After all, if it could happen to a couple like the world thought us to be, it could happen to anyone. The endless timeline of it, more than a decade, would try anyone's patience. And for a long time I felt lesser for my lack of power to change things. Yet now, weekly something happens to reinforce that timeline. To validate those choices. Another notice today brought it home that the move is absolutely the right one to happen and the right time for it to occur. Such a complicated dance for all this to pull into place for my little family and I. I'm beginning to inhabit the new space. It's starting to feel right and good. And the old tired and broken. Though of course it's not. But our time here is nearly done. And what is important to us will come along. Peace and stability. I see it already. And as I do all I must do to get our life transferred, there is less I have to do. So there's an easing. And a certainty. I've been a long time without either. Positivity. I still get lonely now and then. I am the solo adult pulling this off. But...folks have shown up when I needed them. And I'm finally able to say "yes!" And thank you. I visited CW today. It had been a very long time. He asked me how I was. I couldn't reply with anything less than "Great!" He looked startled and happy. Great is new. He checked out the new to me vehicle for me as a car guy. I visited with he and his father. And as he knows the history and the ex's family well, he asked me how good it was to finally get paid? I just received a court order in the mail of automatic enforcement. It took some months doing, but I'm beginning to understand just why the previous years were so damn hard. This is way way better. And there are opportunities ahead that weren't before. So damn many hard decisions. How I lived and didn't go mad from the stress is a wonder to me now. Well of course it's that I'm not alone. I have this wonderful team in my children and ours is beautiful life even at it's less than ideal moments. Sex would be nice. Darlings, please do tell me your adventures as mine are on hold for work, work, work for a bit. Porn, dildos, and earbuds must do for now. Add the hitachi and it's a stopgap. But this girl is going to need to some serious fucking in a few weeks. Pen

9/24/2017 11:45:34 AM
Vision is beginning to replace fear. Well no, fear is not the right word, though it's certainly a familiar sensation. Vision and hope fill my thoughts more than feeling stuck. And I've felt stuck in the mud for a very long time. Today I stopped at Whole Paycheck (that Whole Foods for the rest of y'all) to pick up a fruit platter, rolls, good cold cuts for the week and a tiny bit of prosciutto for the melon since it feels like a summer day. My fav St. Nectaire, a little wedge. And a stop at the local bakery, blessedly open Sunday morning. I'm declaring it a "Happy Everything" day and that's just what I had them put it on the cake. Arrived home to a crew crowded and smiling around the pastry box. "What is it? What is it?" I'm declaring more "Happy Everything" days. And casual brunches where all gather where they will fill plates and bellies and hearts. There's work to be done, but I'm a strong believer in what I call my "carrots." I'm a workhorse at heart after all. And I'll work harder yet when I know I have a sweet carrot waiting for me at the fence. There are rewards intrinsic in what I do. But I'm giving myself a very real reward post move back down near the water with a crowd, live music, and lots of grazing good food and oysters galore. TBH might be in the vicinity but I don't care much as I meet folks everywhere, particularly the rest of my tribe of post 50 women who I am adoring more and more. I'm beginning to understand why cubs adore us so much...wobbly bits and all... Pen

9/23/2017 10:45:37 PM
I was in bed at this late hour, post 1 am, weepy at the blessings I have. Though I'm in the middle of a move right now, I get communiques from a friend or two now and then checking in. And my small family is a great help, though the youngest one not so much. That boy I will need to work on. Those who take their unhappiness out on others are not who I choose to spend time with. And when you're a parent to a son who does the same, well something's got to change there. Consequences galore for now. But I think it's going to take more. A friend told me "What ever you got to do to get through. Make it a part of your past as fast as possible" as I asked her how she managed her own move so well. "Just do it. Dont dwell on it. Just get it done." She's right. I'm still feeling bent over and pain from the attic transfer. Thank heavens my sons' very strong friends came to help get the boxes down. As I take things from the walls and our home stops looking like a home they ask me, "how can you live like this?" I haven't a choice at present. Other people move. This is just perhaps more deeply meaningful than some. I truly had forgotten my own timeline. I know roughly when I did what job all all that. But specifics nope. Finding my post college resume in the attic papers, and old business cards, all my perfectly organized tax records back when taxes weren't remotely complicated and got paid early. My children's few baby boxes of note I chose to keep. All the notebooks and typewritten (yes, back when we had typewriters not computers) papers, my thesis...and even handwritten letter from friends, family, and my first love. I was a VERY organized young woman. My handwriting is tiny and perfect and I've no idea how I managed such perfection. I'm digging through my own personal time capsule here and it's just plain weird. I'd forgotten completely the girl I was before. I don't recognize much of her in this mid aged, family first, sap I am today. It is both physically and psychologically exhausting. I am ready to leave past where it belongs and move on in very real ways. So I edit mercilessly where I can. The sheer volume of paper and magnitude of what I kept is still overwhelming. The stuff...heavens...I'm tucking away the traditions I keep and the letters to go through another day in the small attic at the new place. Building beds. Carrying and bending and lifting. My body feels it everywhere. But...it's progress. Word is getting out of my new qualifications. Unbelievable to me that I got it. Such support and kind wishes. And kudos for the years it took me to wade through the muck to get here. I keep meeting 50 something women like me who are out there trying something new. We understand and are so damn proud of each other. It's a beautiful thing, a sisterhood of sorts. As my friends text me with a few new letters I'm entitled to add after my name, I look at it and think...who would've thought. Me? Best get the more personal components done so I can work on the professional ones. But I'm at heart a nester. So creating our collective new one is a challenge. The lower ceilings change the scale of everything. And these odd modern spaces. Well not really modern. But it's certainly less than half the age of my old one. I feel as if all I do is work and work and work. But the other side of all this is close now. Funny though how things work out. The timing seemed so fucked up to everyone else. And a bit to me. But now it's making sense in ways I didn't expect. Wish me a strong back and a stronger heart darlings. I wish you passionate nights. I'm certainly not getting laid anytime soon so be sure you do and let me live vicariously through you for a few weeks... Pen

9/22/2017 6:23:57 PM
It seems things are looking up. Years of sheer grit and effort are starting to come to a culmination. And as much as I kicked myself for how long I took to get here and lost friends who became impatient with the timeframe...well it seems this was the best way for it to work. Certainly better for my children. Hard as hell for me. But damn. I am actually really really proud of myself for sticking out HARD stuff. Those friends here who have read my endless prattling know. And darlings, accept my thanks. Sometimes a word or two in your emails was that tipping point that kept me going. There's so much but I must DO over write at present. Xo Pen

9/20/2017 8:39:40 PM
I counseled a friend today about her fear.   And afterwards as the experience percolated through my brain which seems to reflect with automaticity, I realized I had fear too.   I wouldn't deal with a qualification I thought I failed at as I couldn't deal with one more thing at present.   But I realized it was fear too.   IDK if it was fear that one more thing would put me over the edge, because I can handle a great deal of shit.   Or perhaps it was a level of public embarrassment.  But a good decade with a man who sought to humiliate me at most opportunities helped me to thumb my nose at that thinking.   Or maybe it was a perceived character flaw.   There was a time or two when I've just left and quit come what may.  And more than once I've achieved a goal only to find once I had it I didn't want it anymore.   I sure have mixed feelings about this one. But it's a game changer.  It's my fuck you to the ex.  And it give some assurance that my children's futures rely on someone more dependable and capable than their pater.   

Today I was brave.   In a workshop we had to discuss our primary values from a list.  My first, over family even, was "adventure."   Adventure covers it all to me.  Raising my family and having children was perhaps my greatest adventure and continues to be so.  Loyalty.  Finding that is part of why I step out of my comfort zone so often on my adventures.   The leader laughed at another choosing adventure in third place with "oh you must be young."   I'm decidedly middle aged but I seem to be aging in reverse.   Or perhaps I'm just a rebel.  

Whoever I am, I'm going to keep on keeping on.  Progress might be slow.  And yeah I'm a tortoise.  But damn them all I'm still getting there.  

Pen




9/18/2017 6:46:14 PM
So damn horny. And very focused on creampie porn, searching for thick cocks with huge loads. I was awake last night til the wee hours talking to one of my cohorts who relocated. She's lonely. Her husband is military so she sees him every 5 days or so at present. New lovely house. New neighborhood. I was a marine brat for quite a few years so I get it. And our issues are not so dissimilar even though our children are nearly a decade apart. She has begun practice in a new discipline that's very unlike our previous training. The vocabulary of it comes naturally to me, so we talked the talk. She's an angel truly and doesn't see it. All she sees is how rough and city she is. I grew up street too so I get that sense of self consciousness; I was desperately so as a young woman. But I've lived in Mayberry here for longer than the rough neighborhoods of my hometown. So the vocabulary and the dress and the manners are part of me, though my Gran raised me to be a proper lady. It's just me who wants to shrug that proper lady off so much of the time. She is one of my favorite people in the world. And like me it is difficult for her to share and ask of others. But she and I are both learning new ways of supporting each other and others. Frank talk. Being there. Learning to chill. And being there. There are more folks who have my back than I imagined. And I'm a good one to have yours... Pen

9/17/2017 7:11:52 AM
It's a struggle some days not to erase previous posts. But unedited teaches me things, so I'll wince and leave my words up. A lovely night followed by a drive home. Though at present I have two homes, so I thought a morning out back at the new place would be a lovely place to have my tea & croissant and to continue the peace I found here yesterday AM. It's so quiet. Reeds and peace and the little bit of water I can see at the end of the back lawn. And a remarkably clean outdoor space. The ceiling is even the headboard I'll miss from the old place. But everything is lower here. The ceilings, the sky, the view. Whereas the last place felt expansive and was more than I could properly care for, this feels like an enclave. The Irish would call it a "snug." So snug we will be. I'm curious how many animals will visit us here with trees and the water and some less developed property nearby. A good night. As much as I appreciate and need words of support, I find physical touch essential. I wonder if my desires are less sexual and more tactile in nature. I took a drive to D's place in his lovely town last night. A late dinner al fresco. Our favorite dessert and a fabulous waiter. He's a funny man. A little neurotic. Likely OCD, but then It gives me pleasure to look at his collection of perfectly ordered dress shirts, spaced just so, as I dress in the AM. I expect I should be concerned we are not fucking endless times a night. But the cozy element, the friendship, has developed more. The man is compelled to help people. I love that spirit. Sex this morning. Simple, hot, visceral, vocal. But the night was about two tired people who like each other a bunch having a beautiful meal on a rare perfect night then tucking in entwined and cozy. This girl who couldn't sleep with anyone is learning... I did see Rock Star too. Yesterday afternoon. OMG he's fun. And as much as I dislike the word, I'm sure the word "slut" in lights popped into your heads. Perhaps. An ethical slut at least. Though I wouldn't consider the sex with either partner particularly casual. I'm interested, I care, and both are mutually beneficial friendships. But I also recognize neither man, as much as I adore both, would be particularly good for me relationship wise nor would I be what I would wish on either. I've spent 20 plus years with a creative. When a partner is in a creative field professionally and make their living from it... their art, needs, process takes precedence as there's no knowing when the muse will strike. And if you have a modicum of creativity yourself...well it gets sublimated. How I became this supposedly analytical creature still mystifies those who know me. So rock star and I are lovely lovely friends. D...nearly the perfect personality for me and I for him. But that 14 year differential...he has so many milestones ahead of him. He may choose children. Marriage. And should grow with someone closer to him in age if he can learn to tolerate younger women. I want more for the man than I can give him. I adore the man but I don't want to limit him or myself. Both teach me. D, for all his youth, is not particularly creative sexually. But he is capable. Extremely capable. Potent. Romantic. And charming. Rock star...perhaps it's a nose thumb to my very proper youth, but I enjoy playing the groupie in private. I have served as muse to a great talent in other ways, so I am curious and fascinated by his process. I have utterly no musical skill and little knowledge so his work is both a novelty and a fascination. His past. The tours. All are a learning process. And the man is fabulously creative in bed. Giving. Massaging. Coconut oil darlings is a wonder...and a foot fetish can make a woman feel worshipped like never before. Sensuality set to music, staged with light and candles, with faint hit of the cannabis pipe I know he keeps in his vanity drawer. I talk of everything as does he. No judgement. Even the naughty toys in the back of my closet. He's not a pain guy but invites me to bring what I will to his loft and we'll explore. It's a joyful thought. My body is languid but not listless. Muscles long and soft. My skin feels the same but sensitized so the air nearly feels like it has mass. My puss still feels that sense of fullness and well being...that silent "yes" celebrating what it was meant to do. Even my mouth and throat feel released as if all the "fuck yes," "omg, I feel so full" "pleaseeee...," "oh baby yeah's" needed to be said. I'm a raw and rauchy chick when I'm full of cock and a lady much of the rest of the time. Though lately my profanity quotient has grown in leaps and bounds, expressive of the bullshit I've been wading through. But I feel...like fucking is my particular preference for self care. The low buzz of libido leaves my head and I feel ready to take on what I must. Today it's endless statistical reading. But I've chosen the table over looking the water and just discover a new oak tree. I love acorns and it reminds me of the two my Gran planted at our family plot as her husband wanted to be laid to rest under an oak tree. One didn't make it. One survived and is a giant 50 years later. My family and I are going to be the oak tree that more than survives. We are going to thrive here. Pen

9/16/2017 8:08:52 AM
I was to meet a fellow from CS today for breakfast at a little country store destination. Funny thing is once I asked for a pic so I'd know who I was meeting, he got all squirrelly. Darlings if you have that much to hide, please do leave me alone. Sure we are all entitled to be careful, particularly myself as a single woman with children. In many ways I expect greater care and courtesy as I feel I undertake more risk than a man. Particularly a single man without children...that seems to be the only commonality of "type" I have. I suppose it's because they are simpler, can host, and can usually find the time to indulge my limited schedule. But I've always thought I'd prefer a man with children as we would have so much more in common. But my approach to children is not for everyone. And I suppose I'm less tolerant of any children who are not respectful, mannerly and kind. Just because they are young to me, is no reason to tolerate lack of basic skills. Now of course that differs with toddlers. Developmentally they simply aren't capable of many expectations parents have. It's an age to survive and keep them from harm. And one I don't miss. I adore watching my children become such unique and truly lovely people. But then they are my heart. And I suppose in my current conundrum of in law bullshit, I must first decide what is best for them and take the hit. Ultimately, my landlord and I are both caught in my ex's family's convoluted crap. And we both want out I think. We both want no relationship or interaction with such fucked up folks who simply can't communicate on the most basic of levels. And example. I text my ex details of schedule & financial obligations and occasionally questions. I never get communication back. It's texting into a black hole. He will do the things necessary, but without telling me. So out of the blue he will show up to pick up a child when I've made other arrangements. Or funds will show up in my bank account weeks later for an obligation I'd begun proceeding to collect. Mind you with no heads up. Is it a control issue? Is he just trying to fuck with me? Or does his brain work differently? IDk. I do know with a few children on the autism spectrum that respectful behaviour can be learned and taught. And I do know that his is unacceptable. Ultimately who I married and who I chose to have children with was my choice. So I bear what it is. And I might have to suck it up. But I also need to find another way. A better way. Because the ex and extended family are getting to me. I'd started to think we could have a new better relationship post divorce. But now I'm beginning to understand why I distanced myself from them all. For my own damn sanity. And there's D. Getting involved with a younger man...what was I thinking? I feel attachment to him. He's funny as hell. Snarky. And is not afraid to call my opposition wonderfully profane words. It feels good to have someone say what I think. I miss sleeping with him. Oh boy. I, who never enjoyed sharing my bed. I suppose I've felt utterly wanted. He's somewhat in awe of what I know and what I've done. And he got to see even more of my history with the sale. But seriously a guy who gets impossibly hard every time he's with you and keeps getting hard...well, it's an ego boost when he kisses you awake in the middle of the night to fuck you. So he has a new client, older, attractive blonde whose ex left her for the cocktail waitress at their anniversary party with grown children. And last night he had a client dinner with her. Well we didn't have any client dinners. And the angry green eyed monster roared. He apologized at his delay getting back to me for an earlier text. I played the damn game and simply didn't text him back til much later. I hate sharing my men. I'd make a far better cuckoldress than FWB. I suppose as I'm over 50, and presumably less desirable, I try to pick men who are less than conventionally handsome. And it's not like it's that much of a conscious choice. But somewhere in the back of my dark mind there's the presumption that nice guys who are quirky cheat less. It's bullshit of course. But there you have it. Truly I am ATTRACTED to men who don't have perfect faces more. I like one stand out feature. Could be delicious skin, fabulous hair, sexy eyes, or a great big brain. Wit...oh witty men slay me. A man's face should be more interesting than beautiful. Just my take. But ultimately, it's positivity and character and respect for me that wins every time. And raw fucking transparency. Start to care and that transparency goes opaque. We become too careful. And that damnable walking on eggshells feeling....I've got to change my attitude. But what do I usually do? Just go have fun with someone else to break his hold. And then D becomes a bonus, not a need. Okay, so I'm a woman who simply feels better if she fucks regularly. It is what it is. Add stress and fucking becomes a need. And right now...well y'all know how I roll. And yeah, meeting rockstar this afternoon. The man is going to be smiling the rest of the weekend...I'm not without skills... Pen

9/15/2017 10:37:33 PM
So here's the flip side of a woman who is loving her singledom after trying for so long to get divorced...it's Friday night. I sit at my brightly lit breakfast room table at 1:19 AM alone. Drinking water now to hydrate and help flush out the end of the bottle of white wine I drunk with odd and ends from Whole Foods for dinner. I spent the evening trying to make sense of why my former in-laws are telling me I owe them money when it was their son who borrowed from them. Mind you it's all wrapped up in the settlement deal and my move and I'm feeling the whole situation is precisely what D called it "polluted and colluded." What any of them have to do with my living arrangements anymore should be nothing. But a text about how I could pay back two grand out of the blue was just nuts. I reached out with calm phone conversations, very matter of fact. I've read through contracts. And it's all petty bullshit and grubby greedy hands and lying SOBs. I have a hard time believing that of people. But that's precisely what this is. And I am fucking done. When I'm this angry I've done better at reaching out to those who help me. Usually my go to is to just cry it out. And I look pretty ugly right now. Face blotchy, Skin reddened. Hair a mess from pulling and grabbing and pulling. Eye's bright, wet, red, with dark circles underneath. And I still want to cry since post midnight is not the time to reach out to any of the players to get clarification. I'm fucked for at least part of this. And not in a good way. Damn it. Friday and Saturday nights should be spend in conversation, dinner & wine, followed by fucking and pillow talk. And I coulda had a date. But I'm not in the mood for more work. Sometimes it's work. And sometimes it's easy. I'm too tired to work. I just want to be with someone who will be nice to me. And be on my side and use profanity to describe the opponents. And I sort of do. But there's no one here by my side. And no one to tuck up close to in my bed. No heat. No warmth. No hug. No kiss. And half of me is glad of it because I never want anyone to see me cry. But that's all I can do tonight. Still I used the negative energy to get things done. I paid all my bills even though I'm not sure where or when the financial fuck up is going to clear. I moved a bit more. Talked to my former cuck who really only wanted a fantasy fuck of me and 2 BBCs...yawn. I get to level. To okay. To yes, I can handle it. And invariably some shit comes my way. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm tired of working so hard, trying so hard, and damn tired of being so calm about it all. And tonight at least, I'm really really sad that I'll be tucking in alone with a few memory foam pillows instead of heat and angles and a sandpaper chin and the rumble of a deep voice in my bed. Pen

9/15/2017 9:45:16 AM
I do on occasion save my responses to emails til I can sit with a pot of tea, without distractions, and have the pleasure of free flow to my words...it's one of needed indulgences... I've found I'm less driven by my libido lately and more by the quality of my...um...let's call it my "stable" for lack of a better word. Sure I want to fuck. But I want connection. Though I can be swayed by big cock. Add connection and big cock...well...that would be a home run. I've noticed though that the better endowed of the male population tend to have just one O capability a night. Whereas the more medium guys, regardless of age, can go and go 3, 4, 5 times...I SO love being pushed sexually and so few men push me. Quite the opposite, I feel like I'm the one pushing and controlling the interaction if it's to get less vanilla and far more interesting. It starts with their curiousity about my toys and as I begin to pull the lengthier items from the back of my closet (those too long to fit in my locked red bag), they start to grin and eyes widen. Even darling D...who is really not kinky though he describes himself as in the "lifestyle". It means he's had threesomes and likes to play the bull to him but then I expect "lifestyle" has many interpretations. But folks tend to intersperse "lifestyle" and "kinky" and I dont' think they're the same. Are swingers kinky because they have vanilla sex with multiple partners? I don't think so. To me kink is decidedly rocky road. Ass-slapping, throat-grabbing, bring-on-the-rope-and-floggers rock-my-world sex when you stimulate pain as well as pleasure receptors so your blood just races with oxytocin, endorphins, and adrenaline. I could develop a near addiction to sex, but my practical side dominates with time constraints, managing attachment, and the search for balance. Then there's that protective mama bear who never has overnight guests when her children are in the home. In the midst of my efforts to just let out all these thoughts banging of the sides of my skull, I get blindsided still again. I assumed divorce the man, divorce his family. Meddling folks who tell me out of the blue I owe them thousands. Why? Because my ex borrowed from them to pay something in the settlement. Ummmmm...seriously? Please, please go away ex everything's. There's a damn good reason you're all ex's, no? And so it goes... With an head that wants to explode, Pen

9/13/2017 3:43:37 AM
My cohorts believe I did better than my recent experience tells me. They are all pushing me to seek early results and I refuse. Just one more thing right now will put me over the edge. That tipping balance. I can't plan, sort out, or deal with more long term goal right now. Either way it comes down, triump or failure, I don't care at present. There is too much on my plate keeping my children emotionally supported in a move they don't want, the actually planning and mechanics of condensing over 20 years history into a house that can fit maybe 5, sorting our ex nonsense, replacing my totalled auto, and my significantly challenging new ventures. I want to scream ENOUGH! Apparently I can fool folks. One of my dear friends tells me I am "smart and sensible and never seem to be flustered." I have occasional moments of intelligence but mostly it's just big words that I know...it makes me sound smart. Sensible...generally practical but it's hard fought. I hate money for example but manageing it is necessary for my chidlren's health. Now about never seeming to be flustered...I live my life feeling like I have no idea what I am doing, trying to have it make sense to me. I am flustered all the time. Men fluster me. Truly. But I fake it. People initmidate me. Same story, I fake it. Relationships with grown ups, I have no clue what I am doing. I've never been this single mom solo without family support other than a great little young group of human who share my DNA. And ultimately I cannot let them feel scared or unsupported or like we are flying without a parachute. But I'm completely faking it most of the time. Fake it til I make it. Not a mantra I chose, but a necessary component nonetheless. I dreamed of the episcopal priest I would've married last night. I dreamt of us sitting across the table from each other. He with that powerful charisma, eyes searching mine, that voice that projects to parishioners in the back, elbows bent, hands on the table half seeking mine. But the table was too wide and he couldn't reach me. I dreamt of taunting him about this choices and the limits of the rarified world he chose for his significant talents. I'd imagined the world changed by him. Not he burying himself in Episocpal prep schools and sermons ad infinitum. I dreamt of breaking him. Of the point where he couldn't stand reaching out and not being able to touch me anymore...he stood up front he table, came around and grabbed my hand to pull me from me seat with a "I need to show you something." A drive through a picturesque town I seemed to know filled with too many boys outside playing. It elicited a raised eyebrow and a "lord of the flies?" Question from me. "No, A little bit further," he said with his hands on the wheel. Parked. And he drew me again from the car to lakeside near a tall rocky outcropping she had to lean around to see and look up. And there was a house I knew. A combo of the "new place" I kid the children about when we pass it in the country as our "dream home"....so old all the paint has gone so it's just a grew clapboard structure with some windows boarded up, others looking new, but clearly not livable...and a log cabin. The space we are suddenly in so narrow that we are chest to chest and I can feel him breathe. Catch his breath. But there's no kiss. Like i said before,I don't poach men who belong to other women. Shades of the new house I suppose. Why him though? IDK. He was someone I'd always wanted. And I was one of very few women in his life and his first lover. But I'm done dating a man I feel I will corrupt with my sexuality. I am not here to take innocence. But to share with a grown ass mature man. One who gets it, gets me, and isn't afraid to explore mentally, emotionally and certainly carnally. Pen

9/12/2017 6:23:58 AM
I think my enemy is simply having things looming. Not that any of us has the luxury of no responsibilities. But I have decided timelines for important life changing tasks. I've never taken possession of a new home and bought a car the same day, but that was my yesterday after a weekend of feeling sorry for myself. I SHOULD feel blessed. And I'll get there. But I was physically ill from stress the past weekend. I ended up needing a nap in my car after some time at an outdoor festival as I felt such a pervasive weariness I couldn't drive. Every muscle in my body hurt. It was like a sudden onset of the flu. But than that is what unmanaged stress can do to one. I felt sure I would be down for the count this week, but somehow I'm managing to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And today I woke feeling less ill. Win some, lose some. The problem is most of my concerns are high stakes at present. Or at least I think they are... I'm receiving some training from some remarkably entertaining and positive folks for the next few months. Now it means they're going to expect a level of performance from me that going to take significant work. But such will occupy my mind with more cerebral tasks and get me out of the emotional tangle of more personal concerns. The newest man I met texted something naughty and rather than feeling aroused, I was simply annoyed...oh I still want to fuck, but I want to fuck a friend. Quite frankly, if it weren't for D I wouldn't be in the replacement vehicle. And though I was a bit disappointed in the sex last week as once is not enough for me...I so appreciated his pulling me to his chest and keeping his arm around me on our meandering. I don't have particularly nice parents as much as I could use a mama right about now. So this is when that family of choice comes in to support and hold and help one through. I hope D will remain a friend. Never has anyone been there like he has these few weeks. For that I'm grateful. I LOOK good. I remain surprised at the bright-eyed face in the mirror. My autumnal hair freshly colored and just faded enough to reach the color that was my end goal. I fought the fight with my ex for expenses he was required and refused to pay. It hurts me, conflict. It always has. But it's a necessity to take on sometimes. So I stayed firm. Let it ride. And he caved. He still tries to control me with money and some days he is still successful. Mostly though he wants to humiliate me: there he is no longer successful. And soon when this part of the transition is complete, he will have even less impact. I am blessed with the people who are in my life and at peace with those who are not. But right now it's a time to simply do. Do what I must to get this transition done. It's odd though. Everything it seems is changing at the same time. I know it's a good change. But a dose of the familiar would be welcome. And I suppose I have that in the people. Somehow I'll put together a new nest, a new start, a new life of sorts...it's positive and exciting some days and terrifying others... I can't believe I'm saying this, but fucking can wait... Pen

9/9/2017 6:44:57 AM
I failed at an important task. I'll have another shot at it and of course it's embarrassing. A lesson. Could I have done better? Sure. But not with everything in my life that has been happening at present. Are my priorities fucked? No, I don't think so. I put my family and the people in my life first. People first. That's not going to change. Relationships first. And I'm blessed with extraordinarily people in my life. As alone as I perceive myself at times, people have reached out to support me here. And I needed it, even if it meant I lose my anonymity. I've never wanted intimates to know me intimately. Funny that. It means they all know when you fuck up. And I've never been comfortable with myself less then outwardly perfect even though I know better. I even heard from my sister out of the blue for the first time in 18 months. Odd that. My cohorts assumed I got this as they all did a similar task without fail. Still they've been remarkably supportive. Failure is part of being human and lessons to be learned. Here's the thing. Life still feels hard. Harder than it should. Harder than I remember before my marriage failed all those ages ago. Harder than it seems for everyone else. That sense of having a karmic target on my back bugs the hell out of me. I crave a man pillow to sink into. A warm chest. Rumbly tone of voice. Hard cock taking me out of my head. I think the key is it's all been too much. Divorce, starting so many new things, the accident and car totalled, reducing 20 years to a truckload, the move...and regular life was challenging as is. Add all the above and my brain is on shut down, my motivation nil and the tasks at hand overwhelming. I still manage to do what needs to be done in my more immediate frames. I take care of my family as my core. But focus is hard. And focus has never been an issue before. Things must necessarily move rapidly from here. There's an outline of sorts in place. But no real flesh to it. It's one of those "just do it" times in life. Like having a new baby. Like getting through physical therapy. Like getting up and going to work and school when you only want sleep. It's what y'all do every day. But this girl want to put her head in her arms on the table and just cry. Instead I'll schedule movers, do paperwork, pack some more, and prepare for Monday. One foot in front of the other. Pen

9/6/2017 5:33:33 PM
Rain rain...go away...we should still be enjoying those perfect September shore days in the twilight of summer when us local look at each other and smile because we have our little towns back from the summer folks. I am...dealing...with a pile of ...you guessed it. But deal I will. I hope my Pollyanna views yield results, especially with a car given a dismal credit history before the divorce. D reached out last night. I'm not sure if my perspective is right on him. I did turn him down for a date Saturday night and found someone new. He invited an overwhelmed me to his place last night to escape. It took me some time to get ready as I didn't expect anything of the sort. Maybe I should've played it better, but I hate such machinations. You want to be with me, tell me. I'm damn transparent when I want a man, and not hard to read. Lovely dinner. Deep conversation. But he and the little dog watching movies got a little long with an early AM for me the next day. Too tired to fuck at night? Well that's new and generally the beginning of the end. He IS 38. With no responsibilities aside from his business variable hours. And plenty of time to rest. In the morning yes. But even he caught it when I said I enjoy the way he perfunctorarily fucks. He seemed surprised and mentioned foreplay. What foreplay? The mental aspect I suppose. The words are good. But he's not the first of my vanilla dates to lack finesse in seduction. He can fuck amazingly so that it's fine. But all women want to be seduced. Particularly me. Kissing with tongue. It that so hard? Attn to breasts, skin... a caress on the side of my face? Digital stim? Oral would be nice even thought I prefer cock. Still the man is a delightful man pillow. A good foil. A lovely friend. I thought I was falling for him. But I realize we share many similarities in history. I'm not sure if last night was a move to push me to the friend zone as a reminder. Or just something that organically happened. He reached out nearly immediately to thank me for coming over. He lead me the fastest way out so I could make a commitment. But I suppose I want him to do a double take. To not be able to resist. To find himself inconveniently hard all the time. I like to listen to him. I like to look at him. I like to touch the man. And I, wonder of wonders, enjoy sleeping with him. That heat. To feel him slide my legs open and enter...the pillow talk. Oh I adore pillow talk. That is truly the way to seduce me. I've gone to my less conservative autumnal hair. Dark. Deep burgundy streaks. Long lashes. Time to find the red lipstick. D will likely hate my foray away from conservatism. But c'mon, I'm the girl-next-door. The mom. My son described a new school administrator to me "he's very ordinary." I wonder how many of us ordinary folk who tow the social line publicly and professionally are really way more interesting than anyone could know? I have always been a girl who never quite fit anywhere. Certainly not in her family. Not in her home town. A natural nonconformist in views but perfectly respectful in outer appearance. I grew up with narrow inflexible expectations. So I followed them externally. Internally I found ways to find my own way, mostly by sneaking and breaking rules very quietly. But now I feel fuck it. If I want to go non conservative with my hair or cosmetics or whatever, why the hell not? Finally my teen daughter told me "your hair looks nice" over her rolling her eyes in the past. Nothing wrong with individualism. I've been thinking of attachment too. Boy, I get attached like Velcro. I felt it for TBH and fought it. I feel it for D and manage it. For old friends and new. Sexual and not. But we are made to feel just that. IDK why I seek to manage it so much. There's always that potential horror of embarrassment for me when I realize I want a man far more than he wants me. I don't know that I'm there now. I'm able to backtrack. But oh, some very few men are keepers... Pen

9/4/2017 7:53:44 AM
Hmmm...date with the seemingly geeky guy went ever so well. A new place with fire pits on a chill rainy night. They did a proper dark-n-stormy. He's taller and more attractive than I expected. And very what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Lots of conversation about wide varieties of topics. He leaned to touch me often. I could see his cock harden now and then...and THAT was a surprise. A grower more than a shower. And quite a growth there. I miss girth. There's that sensation of stretch and expansion every stroke with a well endowed guy...and damn, but it's addicting and something I crave. Like many of the men I see to be attracted to, or perhaps it's just men of a certain age with some degree of expendable income, he has quite a lot of toys. The boat, the bike, the stable of cars. I enjoy men who indulge their passions as they quite likely may indulge me my desire for their physicality. A great night. There was sex of a sort. Sigh. This is why I want younger men. I want to fuck 3, 4, 5 times in a night. Older guys have one shot in them usually. He is not sexually advanced though a great kisser, tries hard...But when a man has spent too many months on end masturbating, he looses the knack of being able to cum for someone else. Girls know...that's the 45 minute blow job that has your eyes crossing and jaw aching. Any guy who tells me to get him off via bj when I'm naked and next to him bed...well...seriously just fuck! But lack of sensation when a guy starts using a condom again after years without...The man has a learning curve ahead. And I don't want to teach. But he is charming. Handsome. With a real job and a family he makes time for. The look in his eyes when we began to discuss sexuality...it's happened to me before. With D. My experience is varied though not of long duration (perhaps only the past 8 years of exploration). The usual questions: Have you fucked a black man? Check. Have you ever fucked more than one man at a time? Check. Fetishes? Check. How many partners have you had? This one I never answer and I have no idea. A lot. I have no interest in keeping track of partners nor my quantities of O's in an evening. Both should be substantial. But most guys seem to think I'm good with and O or two. Baby, I cum 10 to 20 times in a night. And it takes a guy with a persistently hard cock to make it through. He never did cum that night. Though he was charming. Conversation was stellar. And we had breakfast the next day. That level of friendship and respect is necessary for me to repeat the experience these days. Yesterday was D. Oh D...odd as it may be, I think perhaps I may have feelings for him. It's still not something I can say definitively yet. Because of course we all know the game...he pulls away, I want him and feel more. I do the same, and it happens with him. It's not that I want a bf necessarily. But I love the man pillow. Resting my head on a warm chest after being filled with impossibly hard cock. The vocal. The pillow talk. Damn I adore that stuff. And many men are too tired post to manage that. I live for that stuff. It's fulfilling in the most thorough of ways. We had some awkwardness last night. And activity date, a little fucking, showering, dinner and back. I assumed he's spend the night. There was my error "assume." Even though we've spent nights every eve we've been in the same place thus far...never fucking expect or assume. I do not want to pressure a guy into being with me. Ever. I backed up fast after assuming we'd go back to more sex and snugs. He awkwardly mentioned the dog and how he figured since we got together early in the afternoon it would be an afternoon event even though we were both horny at 10:30 pm. I apologized, terribly embarrassed at myself. He followed with an apology and an "of course I want to stay." Me back with "oh no no no...I'm really cool with whatever you do and the last thing I want to do is get this complicated." Meanwhile damn girly tears are filling my eyes. His "OMG I'm sorry, you're mad at me." To my "no really I'm not. I'm just embarrassed at my assumptions." To his "you get to make assumptions, we are friends." And so on. You get it. D spent the night. We slept deep and snug and that was what I needed. A man pillow I am fond of. No boyfriend. I really DON'T want a bf. But I want the perks. I like him in my bed. I like the romantic parts. I like our dinners out. Helping each other. Talking about all and sundry. Laughing hysterically at our puns. Pillow talk. Breakfast and sending each other on their way. That's what classy guys do. That how you treat each other. I wrote on a dating site seeking a younger man that I wanted respect, closeness and fun. Add the clarification that I want to enhance and expand someone's life and have them function the same for me. I don't think expansion will happen with a bf. And as much as D is convinced of maturity at handling our friendship with benes...well I do get attached. I do love deeply and well. It's different than being in love. Or at least I tell myself that now. You know to just think another person is wonderful and a gift in your life. Wanting to spend time with them comes hand in hand. But I don't want to give up all my time to anyone. And I don't want it to get controlling. But I am attached. I'm attached to more than one man. I'm not in love with any of them. Could I be? Yeah I could. But until he goes there I won't. It takes a mutuality to be in love to me. And that takes plain old time together no one can give to happen. And yes, time with rock star today. What a fun guy. Great attitude. I learn more from him than anyone else I've spent time with. And creative types, for all I suggest they get day jobs, add beauty and innovation to their interactions and to the world. Another guy with a stylist. But I figure some folks are put in my path for a reason. And I know I was meant to learn from him. And experience stages of my life I skipped. Like what I call my "groupie" stage...ha! Fall awaits, and school and living life within the confines of other folks' calendars. Be well. Pen

9/2/2017 1:20:36 PM
I feel that I've been pursuing D lately. Our last date, Tuesday, seemed more my idea though he did plan a special evening. And I am very uncomfortable with the role of pursuer. Funny a few weeks ago I thought I didn't want him. Perhaps his appeal increased watching him in his profession capacity; I do admire capable men. I see in him, though, a bit of me a decade ago. He hasn't yet learned distance and to not take things personally. He doesn't know what he wants until he doesn't have it anymore...ha! Sounds like me! Sexually he has a great deal of growing to do. Vanilla as I seem to attract, but a stellar long lasting fuck. And he can go over and over. He makes love more than he fucks and it's lovely being kissed and fucked at the same time. It's just...well there isn't love. He means it in the moment, but it's confusing. And I know he's hirsute but really he could trim some down below if I'm shaving nearly my whole body before each date. Interestingly he has never been fond of being touched to excess. Now I'm a tactile girl and if you don't like being touched I'm going to piss you off. I caress and kiss and seduce and fondle. He's unused to it and more ticklish than I'd like. But he claims I am a breakthrough for him as he adores my touch. But...you all know we can temporarily put what we like and don't like on hold for a new lover. I find when I want to reach and just palm his cock or caress it, he on occasion removes my hand. Not rudely, but he does. Not a good move if he wants me to initiate or fuck, touch his cock on a regular basis. What he does is fuck, and fuck good and long, with that verbal component that turns me on so much. And he does the tuck in, puts my head on his shoulder, does the snuggle thing. I appreciate all that. It's downright mannerly if you're friends and fucking. He does have a beautiful face and hair and romantic gestures don't seem so contrived with him. I suggested (post a half bottle of vino last night) we share an activity this weekend to enthusiasm. And there was a bit of flirtation. But I was doing my own thing. Would I have preferred to spend last night in bed with him or watching a movie and feeling all girly? Yeah. I would. But...this is one of those undefined relationships where we like each other a lot but are non exclusive. Really though it's easier for a woman to date than a man. He's not going to appeal to a wide range of women. He looks older than he is. He sure acts like it and vears conservative. He lives in a wealthy town but is hardly financially secure. He's not looking to marry or have children likely ever. And he's a bit neurotic. Now I enjoy that, oddly enough. I find his OCD closet wonderful, but then my spice cabinet is alphabetized. When I met D, I thought oh, okay. He's a little geeky looking, but I like smart guys who aren't standard GQ types. And he was so pleased to see me, warm, hug, nice, bought me a drink without awkwardness. Conversation was easy. And there was no expectation just real possibility. And he is shorter than I expected. Women lie about age and weight. Men lie about age and height. When I saw how relatively hairy he is, that was a "just go with it" moment. It is decidedly not fashionable to not manscape these days gentlemen. Though the amount of waxing the man would need..well, he'd have to me a masochist. And he was so so self conscious about it, I can't say anything. He's asked to go to parties and I've said sure, but you'd have to shave too much for comfort for those venues. So there's a hint at least. He hasn't taken it yet. But then he claims to not be all that into bj's. Really??? The thing is, people grow on me. I find all their foilbles less than irritating, and just part of them. I learn their processes and find them charming if they are kind. I grow wary if they are less than honorable in any of their stories or actions. And men...my ex is very handsome guy. But the most of men I fall for are not. I like big noses. I like olivey skin. Curly hair. Big beautiful brains. Solid builds. Perceptible biceps. Definitive views. Quick decisiveness. Modern style without being too trendy (do yourself a favor boys and toss the white sneakers, black jeans, and don't even think of meeting a date in athletic wear). I also adore outdoorsy guys who are clean shaven. That nature dude vibe without the beard makes my mouth and other parts water. Capable beats out intellectual every time with me. Be helpful, on time,and have some wit...my mouth will tingle with the want for you. Anyway, I have a date. He seems geeky and not very sexy, but he had the wherewithal to make plans and seems to be one of the few guys out there who knows how properly date. We will see. If anything it's practice. And I'm going to skip responding to D's text today and keep him wondering. Game playing? IDK. He's done the same. He had his shot last night and didn't pursue it. And he has stopped planning dates, so I'm busy. And it's true. Maybe I'll be surprised. It has happened before. Wish me luck and better times ahead. Pen

9/1/2017 7:03:39 PM
I'd looked forward to writing and writing but then life got in the way as it often does. Heavens darlings, yesterday I was in MVA (that motor vehicle accident to you neophytes). A ways from home, car not drivable and possibly totaled...and children in the car. I made the best choice in choosing to swerve into a telephone pole rather than the three car accident a brewing when the drivers in front of me all stopped short....but fuck me...it's going to be a complicated solution. But ultimately no one hurt including my babies. So I did the right thing still again. The older couple in the car in front of me even thanked me. Hell, even I think I'm taking this nice bullshit a bit too far. I was scared. SCARED all caps. But I know enough to assess my children and they were okay. But I stood there trying to think of what to do and how to fix this and how to get home. And drew a blank. I've never felt so alone. But I figured call the police. Call the insurance company. And work from there. And so I did. Managed to rent a car and nothing will happen with the holiday weekend til Tuesday, so now to stop thinking about it and my miserable post-divorce credit rating from hell. My ex for a long time sought to embarrass and control me that way. And he was pretty effective. Even a couple months post-divorce, I'm still trying to salvage my financial life. And it looks like that will be for months to come. But I think I need to get over it. Get over the word no. And keep on asking for someone to give me a break and let me finance a car. But ultimately we all are uninjured, so that is much to be grateful for. I, the woman who hates to ask anyone for help, reached out to everyone. For info. Suggestions. I even bit the bullet and called the ex. That was hard. But he's being remarkably respectful for the present. I even saw fit to thank him. I found a long ago letter he wrote to my quite awful mother defending me and seeking to protect me in a quite honorable and respectful way. It was kind. And remarkable from him. So I expressed my thanks to him again. Kudos where it is due. I can take the high road. Only for some reason it seems I can't quite get away from problems blowing up in my face right when I think it's looking up. I don't know why. But I'd like life to me more than solving problems and more about the living it. I felt so alone. Impossibly alone. All I wanted last night was to crawl into a warm delicious man's arms and cry my tears and have my hair stroked and feel like everything would be okay. And then I think I should have a bf or a husband...ugh...even though I felt more alone and less listened to with both...no fucking tonight. I did the usual Whole Foods kick ass steak and whatever else looked good to go with it. Seared in the cast iron pan, rested 10 minutes...amazing. And lots of red wine... I had a date. But I had to cut it out, since he had something come up and would be free post 9:30 pm. Are you kidding? He'll be a blocked number shortly. Plus this wine soaked girl is not driving tonight. She'll fall asleep in her chair likely. What I've learned from the accident? No matter what they say, my friends are simply friends. Wonderful in that, but not family. And not going to help me though things like yesterday. Though I've helped them through worse. Why I end up figuring out messes alone IDK...but it's no one's responsibility but my own. Pen

8/29/2017 11:56:42 AM
And so I have a date. We will see if D and I can transition back from business partners to fun in the bedroom. I hate mixing friendship and money in any form. You end up being so careful it feels like walking on eggshells. And that is never a sensation I want to repeat. I have a novel approach for him so let's see if the young man can handle it. If he can't I'm prepared to move on. And there are other possiblities on the horizon. I've decided to try this cougaring thing a bit more. A mature younger man has this energy that is infectious. Add that it translates to the bedroom and I'm on his bucket list and an older woman and a squirter... well seems like there's a mutual need there. A rainy day and a cat on my lap ready to rumble tonight. Wish me endless o's... Pen

8/28/2017 5:28:40 PM
Well...as often happens I find myself with a rare long weekend and no particular cock to fill it. Well that's not QUITE true as I have a choice. But I treat these rare 3 day weekends sans kiddos like treasures. And I never understand why others don't grab them too and live it up a little. It's a perfect time to sink into depravity and sensation. D sent me a pic of two male lions one on top of the other today, teeth in neck, it looked like they were fucking. He typed "kinky." My response "been there, done that." To his "LMAO." I followed with "though if you wanna bite my neck, I'd probably like it." Think he'll do it? I doubt it as much as a bull as he thinks he is. The man can stay hard a long long time. No doubt. And he can fuck. And it's the first time I've seen heavy load after heavy load. I admit it; I love that. But kinky? No? Can he even spank my ass? It's a push for him. Once he grabbed me by the neck. That's pretty much an instant huge o for me. But has he done it since? Nope. But hey, no one can be everything to another. And while I have a great ass and a pretty face, I'm sure my wobbly bits are less than he wants. Still there IS chemistry if we can manage to recapture it. I want to be done with the money and business part of things between us and get back to fucking. But I'm not quite sure it's still there. Tomorrow will tell. He's obligated in a sense to me now and that never plays well as much as I've tried to balance things out. Mixing money with friends you fuck...IDK...I'd rather not. But I have to admit I could not have done any of this without him and his lovely crew. Their presence made it easy for me to let go of my possessions. I love them all. But that's me. I DO get attached. And truly if I admit it to y'all...I take really good care of those I like. More than they deserve probably, but I can't help giving. And loving. And being nice. Time to own that. Pen

8/27/2017 2:31:44 PM
Lighter. Freer. A little bit richer. And the satisfaction of doing something hard and doing it well. It was a good experience to get to this side of. Pen

8/27/2017 6:54:43 AM
I don't understand how changeable I am. I watch D set up outside with one of his employees while I noshed my mango/oj/genmaicha breakfast and read emails. Two days ago I was roaring to fuck the man. Today it's a shrug and a "GM D." I watched his body language, cash box and notebook in hand, the slightly snobby thing he does with his nose tilted upward as he chatted with his guy. The hazards of being a shortish man...though I've always liked my guys less than tall until TBH. I figured if they weren't too big I could always take 'em if they got out of hand. I have a possibly new friend on the horizon since I've gotten frustrated with TBH & D's availability and wishy washy'ness. This time I'm going for simple big cock and a man who can fuck and fuck and fuck. The benes of youth. I may be a semi-accomplished cougar for some time. Looking back, and editing all this history of my life, I realize I've done a lot. And I expect I have a good 40 years to do more. That's some real time to LIVE. I spend hours masturbating last night to my fav porn, thick cock creampie...maybe one day I'll have a steady DDF guy who can deliver them regularly and keep me filled and dripping all day long. I crave a guy to spend time who adores me and I back...but who can ultimately bring me to feel completely possessed by his cock. I want to look at him from across a room with a small grin or raised eyebrow with complete understanding...while my panties begin to get soaked with his cum sliding out of me. Yummmm.... Pen

8/26/2017 6:15:28 PM
I'm knee deep in editing my life. And after yesterday's sale I got a little greedy. Money right now is better than all the damn stuff I have. It's distasteful how much stuff there is. Now mind you, the house was filled when I bought it from the family who had owned it a hundred years. 7 dumpsters it took to edit their stuff. And now a few decades later, their stuff, my former business inventory, and mine...well...it's ridiculous. I'm a bit embarrassed as it seems obscene to have so much damn stuff. But that's changing fast. I wonder though, what will really fit in the new place. My spatial reasoning skills are not good. I measure and have every detail but I still can't do scale models and figure it out. I hope I'll come around and figure it out. If I could just quiet my brain, it would be a good thing. But I can't let go of the fear of wasting opportunity. But it's not going to be a perfect move. And I've never done this before. I panic a little each night. It occurs to me that I could sell this or that. So I make a trip to the attic at midnight. Or the idea of selling half my everyday Wedgewood china buzzes in my head. I yank all my art and gardening books from the shelves. I look at cookbooks and think I should pull them in too. And the estate sale folks ask if I'm going to have anything left. And I SHOULD stop. But I won't. Ha! Just yanked the cookbooks. Bah humbug to Francophile food. It's all totally different now. Collection down to 40% of keepers. I was really an acquisitive chick. I suppose I still am. Though now I'm more interested in keeping my funds and good cock. It's all about interaction really anymore. I AM embarrassed by the ridiculous amount of stuff. I'm expected to have a hard time letting things go. But it's more that I feel compelled to. But tomorrow is the last day. And then I'll do what's next in this hell of a progression. Mind you while I type I am in the middle of a family conflict with a son who utters the dreaded "I hate you. I honestly hate you." So be it. Tomorrow he won't. And tomorrow I won't be so obsessive about finding more possessions to sell. But another child grins at me while eating an apple for dessert and moving past the conflict. One more day. Wish me profits for my freedom fund which is scraping bottom with attorneys I am still paying and too many rainy days. Folks I need hugs. This transition is tough. Pen

8/25/2017 4:33:05 PM
Ultimately D is here. We are both making money. My family and I have worked our asses off and I've done some hard hard work. Words are tough to come by to describe how I've yo-yo'ed between sad/happy/bereft at sorting through the hardest component...the photos and letters and paperwork. It's been very hard finding my mother's old poison pen letters to me. I'd forgotten how much she disliked me and how manipulative she was. That any women can write what she did to her daughter and persistently judge me as morally corrupt is incomprehensible. I found a letter my ex wrote in response to a letter written decades ago that told her respectfully to stop contacting me with such vitriol. It reminded me of the man I married who I adored. I don't think he has much resemblance to who he once was, the best person I'd ever met and most honorable any more. But perhaps as he ages and things fall away he'll come back to that for his children. So it was doubly sad as I'd been thinking my assessment of him must have been faulty when I was young and married him. But it wasnt'. We simply changed. And I wasn't as stupid as I sometimes assume and kick myself mentally over. The photos don't sadden me. Heavens I was lovely. And I remember hating my arms as they were too long and too skinny. I was such an elegant creature. And heavens, I HAVE done a lot. I think I can do more and pull together the disparate careers and skills I have to make life even more than I imagined. I'd truly forgotten what I'd done and what I can do. And how beautifully I know how to live. I'd forgotten and didn't give myself credit for what I already know. I've long been hard on myself for a perceived lack of vocation. I've never been truly called to do anything in my life career wise. I just muddle about and got talked into things I didn't want because my in laws insisted I had to grow up sometime and buy the house and do what people do. And somehow I though they knew better. They're raised intelligent professionals and have this family unit and I came from a split up, dysfunctional with a cap D mess. Gran always said I wasn't "raised up". I was "dragged up." But I know better. The pictures, OMG...out of the sanitized envelopes dated and etecera an into a box to just wander through. There's an underlying organization to the mountain of inventory and possessions here. I'd forgotten how much I'd catalogued. How much historical knowledge I have. I used to haunt auctions. This is fun. It's a new world and I like the back story as much as watching it all happen real time. Add that I'm pretty sure we're making some good money and it's really fun! D being here is interesting. He's the second guy this summer who has spent time around my children. I'm not much for that sort of thing and I wonder. Because last time with TBH as pleasureable as it seemed, I haven't seen him since. They're good and helpful and generally mannerly. But I'm biased. Maybe others see them as entitled brats as much as I've tried to teach them otherwise. I look at D and find him at times just a slightly overweight guy with great hair and eyes. A little rough around the edges when I watch him work. A little too salesmany in personality. And I wonder if his whole schict with me was to get the job over the girl. Yet I know I was looking for distance from him not too long ago. It's been too long since I've had sex. And he's good at that. I really need to have sex. Actually what I need is kink. This vanilla stuff is nice. Great even. But I want rough. I want my neck grabbed, hard fucking, maybe teeth on the back of my neck or small of my back, giving me all he's got and taking it all...kick ass sex. I know I need to separate and find someone entirely new who gets me, is cool with the date first and fuck before and/or after thing. But D IS vocal in bed. And that gets me off like nothing. I want to be a brat. And forced to get off. I want banter, and play, and screaming o's! Pen

8/23/2017 6:36:20 PM
I grow increasingly frustrated by D's handling of me. I suppose I became less than enamored first. Still...it seems to me and to many women I know that men push and push to get us to go out. Charm us. Fuck us and do all they can to please us to seal the deal. And then swish...they're barely there all of a sudden. What is with that? I know the solution of course is to flirt incessantly with others or simply ignore the man. You know what it does to a woman? It makes us doubt our appeal. I began to see all my flaws glaring rather than what I do have. I was in need of pick up, so I had my chiro help straighten me out literally. An early morning mani/pedi along with fabulous new eyelashes glamoured up this old girl. Shallow, yeah. But it makes me feel damn good. And these eyes are sexy. Now to test how effective they are when I bat them at others... After that, frankly this is my place and I'm going to own it tomorrow. I really feel a bit like an interloper. It's disturbing. And it's time I said something. Pen

8/22/2017 6:48:52 PM
Well. I was loosing my mind. You try to reduce decades of treasures to the few things that are important and work and then realize it still might not work. It's exhausting reducing and letting go over and over only to realize you're not done with the process. Quite frankly the property is gorgeous. I'm going to take my little bistro table down to the water and have tea in the morning when the worst of this is done and I can take possession of the property. I have a feeling then it won't seem so bad. There's a tree, thank heavens that should be sturdy enough to climb and attach the rope swing my children live for. We ARE retro folks, despite our love for tech and decidedly modern roles. I'm getting greedy, wanting to sell everything for a buck. My experiences lately have me craving the full bank account rather like you crave a full belly when you are hungry. We may take a last minute trip next week to say one last "fuck it" before we are all back to working our tails off again. Darlings, tonight, I would love to fuck and be naked and shooting the breeze in pillow talk. But I have learned it is better to talk with my female friends, some moving as I am, about males. And what to do and not to do. I was propositioned by my ex's former roomie. He popped in when he saw all the work, concerned I was going somewhere. A nice catch up and he wanted to stay in touch. Clearly I missed it when he said "Not to be sneaky, but it's best to email him over text so he doesn't have to answer any questions." From his wife I assume. Apparently he assumed I would be open to fucking him. No. Ick. Guess what idiot? I'm blessedly single. You're not. I can fuck and suck and play with whomever I want and there's not karmic hit. I'm nice. I do what I say. And generally try to tell the truth and be cool and stable. Guys...you kind of suck at it. We get pulled and pulled until you know we're in and then you no longer want it. So damn confusing. And it consists of most of what females talk about in regards to men. That and how well you use your cock.... It's a dark n stormy night... Pen

8/22/2017 2:57:00 PM
It's funny when you have others view and pic through the detritus of your life. Mind you there's a great deal of STUFF to mine. Some call it too much crap. Since I had a business, I used the word "inventory." There are things in boxes I haven't opened for years. But the care I put into packing and preserving and being a steward of this stuff, is apparent even to me. Ironed, tissue packed and lavender scented. The endless collections. It's an exciting sale I'm told. So we will see how this goes. I do know quite a lot of folks including myself are working our asses off. It could be a very good thing. Money is good. I used to despise discussing it, but it is critical to be educated and to learn how to conserve it when you have kiddos to feed & clothe & educate. I found my old stash of porn. A little more info than anyone needed to see. And my little bag of small dildos and a strap on have gone missing. I think one of the sale ladies tossed it. But I've found my copies of "The Ethical Slut" and "Bend Over Boyfriend." But no boys, I really don't enjoy ass play all that much whatever end I am on. Though I still have that DV/DP curiousity I haven't yet been able to indulge the way I wish I could. It was saddening at first. All the endless paperwork I had to go through. And more still. A record of every damn mess. Calendaring the affair that want that final straw. Records from my beautiful if defunct business. I hadn't realized how hard I worked or how well it looks in print. Instead of shrugging off my past, I may just chronicle it. I'd forgotten who I was, the attention I used to get, and how much less adequate I was in handling it. Though heavens I tried and tried. In the end, leaving with a pocket full of cash and working with a team to get it done is/will be cathartic. My new abode is much much smaller than I remembered. It's going to be close quarters when we move though we all have our own space. I like a life less about stuff and more about living. But stuff I have even as hard as I am trying to reduce it. I'd like to talk and have dinner with D. But he is bound to be tired. I've given up expectation. The staff likes being treated like humans, brought fluids, and appreciated. Who doesn't? And apparently the fact that I work my ass off too makes a difference. That's the about me too. I so admire a man who is a damn hard worker bee. It doesn't matter much what he does, but if he does it with positivity, humor and capability. That is what impresses me. Much to do. This is going to be worth it. I think next week it's time for crazy ass fun. A little last hurrah before more work begins. And I'd damn sure like to fuck. OMG I'd like to fuck. Pen

8/20/2017 9:27:53 AM
I remember now why I make the effort and go out even when I am dragging myself through the primping and shuffling to my car...it's damn good for me. Rock star. Oh my. That is fun night. Always his place, which is what I want. Reach out to him with a simple "Hey..." and he's asking me over. He meets me at the door with a hug and a real kiss, pours me a glass of wine, and we sit on his couch and shoot the breeze first. He may reach for my pedied feet first and start massaging them or pick up his guitar at my query of what he's been working on and start strumming and crooning. It was a good night. I admire how he works the strings, effort in many forms, and the man is a stellar flexible, interesting fuck. It's never the same. That's how I roll and I appreciate a guy who is creative. He keeps coconut oil in his bedroom and lights low and fabulous...and without any "please" I'll feel the oil melt onto my back or ass as he massages and we shoot the breeze about past tours, drug use by bands over the decades and what does what (I know nothing about recreational drug use), the Stone Pony, how to get people to get along, and views on why some folks are better friends than boyfriends. I'm still mixed on that. Part of me wants that regular monogamous deep connection. And part of me wants to not give a guy that much control over my leisure time. Having to be anywhere at a certain time, while necessary, grates. External control mechanisms like school, work, commitments, rules...well, I was a girl who loved all that regimentation once. But now...well...now I'm getting to do all the things I didn't when I was 19 going on 45. Including playing groupie to rock star. I'm going to understand teenage girls a whole lot better now as I play my way through the bucket list I didn't know I had. Would I say fuck it and settle down for a guy? I'm a devoted friend and lover. Sure I would if he was the same. Now the one thing I have lost is my tolerance for inconsistency, flakes, and selfishness. I give. You give. I text. You text back. So silly and damn easy. It was good to leave late last night, slippery with coconut oil, back to my place. Cook up the steak I skipped dinner since it's better not to eat before a great deal of sex. Much like yoga that way. And watch a movie with a grin on my face and the cats scattered across couch and floor. It's good to sleep in and wake slow. And it's delightful to reach out to y'all while I sip my tea and enjoy my luxury poppy bagel with cr ch, smoked trout from the boys' last fishing trip, and capers. Big Tom cat is at my feet, full with his breakfast and and napping in a spot of sun on the floor. TBH reached out to tell me of the solar eclipse tomorrow. Be careful of eyes darlings. They make specs. But apparently like you can burn leaves with a magnifying glass, the focusing down of the sun's energy by an eclipse can act the same way on your retina. And you have no nerve endings to feel pain there. You'll just damage your sight forever. So don't be el stupido.... So there are a few things I wish men knew about sexual positions. And apparently I'm not the only women who feels this way. So I'm gonna share. Mind you I applaud and LOVE variety. But there are 5 or so that we do because you ask, all the while hoping you'll switch back to something else soon. 69. Think about it. How fab is is to lie back while getting a bj, gentlemen? You can relax, focus on the sensation and it feels amazing. So okay add to that your head at an odd angle, bobbing up and down and breath impaired? We are so focused on the task and watching our teeth and breathing and holding our bodies up that we can't even feel all that work you're doing on us. Do us both a favor, and take turns. Standing. Okay so it's hot you're that strong. And it makes us squeal when you pick us up and slide that cock into us while holding us up. But it's a tough angle. And the whole time she's wondering how fucking heavy do I feel and is he going to drop me? Shower. I love to be soaped up and caressed by my lover and to do the same to him. But really...too MUCH lube with all that water. Ditto for the pool and hot tub. But if you can keep it up in either, kudos to you. Basic pile driver. My legs are way way high up on your shoulders, I'm nearly vertical and your slamming it. My clit is completely by passed. My chin is tucked way into my chest and next bent nearly 90 degrees. I-can-not-breathe. Enough said. And the one y'all LOVE. Reverse cowgirl. So, okay, my heart sinks when a guys asks for this one. I don't mind riding you and doing the work. In fact I love it when I can see your face and push you. But add like the last one, no clit stim. You're looking at my rosebud which is only appealing to a man and creeps out a woman cause we know you're wondering if you could just slip your cock in there real quick without her screaming too much. And I'm looking at your FEET. Men's feet range from tolerable to downright troll ugly. This is when the woman is thinking of baseball because she KNOWS she's not going to cum and just wants to get through this and not look at your damn ugly feet. Yes darlings, women really do think about these things. A guy who asks me for reverse cowgirl every time, well I'm probably going to block his number. But we'll tell you "OMG, yeah, I love it baby!" Contrary. Pleasers. And way too polite in the sack. Well sigh internally and look for the positive to see if it outweighs us spending way too much intimate time looking at your gnarly feet. Laugh a little today boys and girls and keep sending me those hugs. Right back at you. Pen

8/19/2017 7:07:21 AM
There's a party tonight I could attend, but ugh...I'm not craving the company of strangers but rather that of a familiar. And if I wanted, I could reach out to D. He is now familiar. But I've gotten to where I did with BC. There's a distance between us now and to seek rapprochement when I am bound to have little time for him ahead seems counterintuitive. I've been watching porn of course. Using the tools and kick ass collection of naughty toys I have to please myself. But I'm craving the classy date, the conversation, the build up, and the pleasure of taking a really thick cock attached to a man whose brain I love. D, I think, plays the game. Builds goodwill. But he's doing it because his is a referral business. I don't think he really means or feels it for a sustained period. But look who's talking. My feelings certainly don't have staying power. At least I know it. I wonder though...will my attraction to a man last if he's the right guy? The thing is I'm not really looking for Mr. Wonderful, a soulmate, or a boyfriend. I'd like it happen. But it's kind of like getting pregnant...it tends to happen more if you dont' try so hard. But I have probably 10 weeks of transition and hard work again before I can lift my head. My attitude is lets just do the work. And get to the next level. And then I'll see. There's an oyster fest in about that time frame a state or two away in a little town I visited this summer. I may just hold that out as my reward, that proverbial horse's carrot, for getting there. I work like that. I need to create treats to earn to motivate myself. Otherwise it seems like the same ole same ole day in and day out. I am both scared and hopeful. And I'm damn tired of dealing with the same old crapshoot happening and things getting fucked up on a regular basis. Sometimes it seems I am a magnet for that. So I hid at home last night. Blessedly, my children reached out after hearing on their friends' social media that our town was sitting in the dark last night. With them it's easy for all their occasional contrary ways. I love them. They love me. Done. But with people you choose, it's way way harder. And it's been months since I've been alone. Now you might remember that was my choice as I was afraid of those solo weekends officially as a divorcee. But after staying with friends and having little say in scheduling, food, or leisure activities...well, it's nice to not HAVE to do anything for a bit. And as I've mentioned, time to just sit and breathe the air in my home of 20+ years before I leave it. I KNOW I should fuck for the oxytocin and serotonin hit you get all naturally. But I think for now it should be a no sleepover thing. Have fun & fuck. Go home, take a warm bath, and sleep properly alone. I did last night without having to wake up early to take anyone here or there. Still restless. But nothing like listening to someone next to me snore while I tossed and turned. And it's not even like that's such a big deal. It's just I want the pillow talk. And if my choices are the Walmart version of men...well, sorry no...I'm more an LLBean girl with that stellar service satisfaction guarantee. Ha! Decision time today. Pen

8/18/2017 5:24:52 PM
This is getting a bit weird. I think it's just that I'm work mode over fun mode, though of course I try to find enjoyment in whatever I do. D met another member of my family today as he came by in his business capacity. Odd, but I think I'm done with anything more than the friendship component of things. He's is becoming too much work for me, looking for me to initiate. I can't. Darlin's I love sex. But it's damn hard for me to say "hey, wanna fuck?" To anyone at anytime. Even when I'm all wined up which is what I'm aiming for tonight. His responses to my texts have gotten longer. And I'm gonna say no thanks. He was kind of lazy today. And I think he's taking the same approach to the FWB thing. I didn't even have the desire to touch him today. Fuck it. I hope I see better of him, at least professionally, and soon. I'm losing faith in his supposed capability. It's a true dark & stormy night. And I've finished some rather stellar leftovers and a couple glasses of vino Rosso. KIddos have departed for a daddy weekend of fun and travel. And they all had a great week, mostly because I made it so. I, on the other hand, am feeling a bit more than put upon. It's not that the move is unbearably stressful compared to what I've already done. But add to my phone glitch yesterday, my wallet gone missing for most of the afternoon, and my iPad falling out of the side door of my car to shatter today...well fuck!!! Thank god the wallet showed up. And the phone was a simple fix. Then my blessed more full than usual bank account expectations shattered as well as my ex missed the payment. Here we go again. Fuck this bullshit. I am a little ... No...more than a little at a loss. When shit happens I usually feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do and should've. It's ridiculous of course. It's the same faulty way I feel I need to EARN anything good that comes my way...usually through suffering. It's hooey of course. And I've been TOLD so by friends, fortunetellers, and colleagues. As if saying no to my friend who needs helps I can't manage to give has brought this down on me... Well, on glass three of the merlot. And it's going down smooth. I don't want to sleep with D. And now it's dark. Or rather it was while I used the light from my phone to light the candles. At least it's back on, though Darling Dom was kind enough to be sure I set up battery backups of all essential services. To me that's Internet. Darlings, I feel like I want to escape so bad. Oh how I'd enjoy TBH if I hadn't decided he's too flakey for me. I cannot do another man who doesn't do what he says he's gonna do. I am the most patient of women except for that. So I wanna escape. But I don't want to spend money. I want my balances to grow. The iPad is going to hurt that. And I quite frankly, the way things are going...I'm afraid to leave the damn house since most things seem to get fucked up royally. I should make myself fuck someone. But I haven't the wherewithall to even say "hey" to rock star when I'm such sucky company. I'll watch Netflix, beg y'all for sympathy, and drink this bottle down before falling into a hopefully deep slumber. And tomorrow I deal with my technological problems. I ask my friends when they get to where I am, "will tomorrow be a better day than today?" And usually the answer is "yes." I expect that'll be the case for me too. Send me hugs darlings, Pen

8/17/2017 6:31:16 PM
I did it. I told him no kindly. And I broached the subject, in fact many subjects that my friend is waiting to deal with. Hard stuff. Ageing and wanting to stay in your home isn't easily achieved as old old age challenges approach. He's smart and paid for long term care insurance, something we all should be wise enough to do but it's expensive. I can't do it. His neighbor and friend can't commit to it either. And when you have some modicum of valuable goods and get old...well, you don't trust too many people. There was a time I had help in my home, back in the days when we all had more money than sense. And I hated it! I couldn't wait til they'd leave so I'd get my place back. And I know he'll feel the same. But even he could simply organize around the days the trash needs to get out to have someone over to do the lifting, driving, cleanup, whatever...it makes sense. But change is even harder for the elderly than the mid aged like me. Though some days I seek it. I skipped a party today. I know I should've gone for the stress relief. But rock star reached out to let me know he's available all weekend, so perhaps an evening of his crooning and me as his groupie will suffice. I like the guy. He and I have much in common professionally. And he's my musician fix. I'm finding music men utterly appealing as it's so foreign from my own skills. But then I suppose this is my second coming of age and I'd best experience what life puts in front of me. I really should find a way to print this journal. It's going to make some great reading when I'm old old. I got lucky with my phone today. Fixable. Now I just need to hold on longer. Meeting things head on is my best approach right now. Work hard. Say it honest. Be kind. But be real. And if I don't know, say it. No pretense I have it all together. I don't. But I expect the other side of this wil be sweet. Let's see if I pull my life back together in new ways by Halloween...that just might be doable. Tomorrow D shows up with his staff. My children here. Me here. And the man who wants to be my bull. Shhhhh....it's all on down low when we are acting in our professional capacities. I'm gonna tease the man while remaining utterly proper. This is my element. He'll question his ears..."did she just say?" "Did she mean...?" It's rife with possibility for double entendre. IDK though. I am craving solitude. I may just work. And I'm definitely sleeping without an alarm after tomorrow. But I'm sticking by here, breathing the air of this old place and holding on to the vestiges of a lifestyle gone extinct. Yeah, I know. Necessary. Good. Right. Progress. But the only way for me move ahead is to feel and mourn properly when it's warranted. I've heard from a Dom or two. But I have no time to pursue anything that new amid all this. Talking of my fav foods or kinks seems utterly wasteful of time right now. When I think of it, I haven't been solo in ages. But then I've been afraid of being the solo divorcee though a whole weekend. I think I'm ready. But that damnable libido gets me moving towards mutual naked time whenever I can manage it. I truly love to fuck. But I could get off on being held down, having my neck restrained (properly done of course), and maybe even my baby fine hair pulled. D said something that has stayed with me. He is fascinated at the texture of my skin and strength of my body. I'm not skinny and I'm long of the belief that If you carry a little weight into middle age, the plumpness fills in potential wrinkles. Look how aged skinny folk get...esp the sun worshippers. In any case he claims my skin feels thicker and bouncier than others. I am strong. I do have muscular arms, legs and a very firm ass. And I get what he means. My skin can only wrinkle like tissue paper over the back of my hands if I push it together. It's bouncy every where else. I suppose that's different for post 50. But then I LIKE wrinkles. I like character. I like a grin that makes eyes crinkle and those lines that bracket a face from nose to mouth that I don't have. So yeah, I like old guys. Smart guys too. And very horny ones just make me grin. Pen

8/17/2017 7:35:22 AM
Ugh. I don't like reading what I wrote last. Complaining about other people...well hell...I'd feel like crap if someone was doing the same about me. Might be time I find my inner nice girl again. I certainly have my own less desirable traits. That whole managing attachment thing...most folks just don't think that much. They just let themselves go. It's not even that they LET themselves. They're just in without thinking about it. But me? I need to pull apart why I feel what I feel. To understand it and reduce emotion to physiological reaction to stimuli. Yet for leisure (and yes, that means sex!) I want to to turn off my brain and just FEEL. I'm a contrary puss. Today I must do even more things I don't want to do. Tell a friend I can't give the help he needs. I'll tell him I wish I could. And on some level I do. But I've helped a whole lot of folks these past years and an odd phenonema happens. They begin to expect it. Instead of it being a one time "sure, I got this." They assume. Add to my load. And it's already heavy. I can shift it now and then. But generally I need to take care of me and mine first. And this is especially true with even more changes a'coming. My children are having a hard time with the move. It's a time of even more transition with schools and other commitments and changing relationships. It's simply a lot to deal with at one time. I feel it. Quite frankly "overwhelmed" is de rigueur at present. I want to stop and just be here. But it's task-oriented time ahead. I'm going to miss my home of decades. I'm going to miss the wood moulding and wainscot I pain stakingly painted by brush and the trim I had a knife cut at the mill to match. I'm going to miss my giant drawers in the kitchen. The beauty of my majolica displayed. Silly it's just things and I say I need to unburden myself of things. And I know the radiators leak, the house sinks another half inch a year, and there's way too much garden for me. I hate taking my children from their home. I moved my whole childhood and craved stability. I did provide it here. This is all they've known. I know it's time. But I just want to sit and breathe the air of the place. It's likely it will be torn down and cease to exist. And yeah, it's probably time for that too. But y'all know it hurts sometimes to say goodbye. My phone is not working so more blips to figure out along with a car that I pray stays on the road. I was envious of my friend's home last week. Everything was so clean. And new. And done. And yeah, kind of impersonal. I'm moving to another quirky house. And I will never have as much as my friends in terms of trips or stuff or a fancy car. I don't know why I have taken to comparing. I know better. My places always FEEL good over look perfect. Every since my Gran told me, a struggling new mom, not to worry about it...I'll have a perfectly clean house that never gets messed up in a few years. And I'll miss the mess. It IS about the people. And my people, the children especially, are remarkable and kind and mannerly and generally good folks. But as the present is so focused on the stuff and recreating my nest, I've lost sight a little. It still doesn't mean I don't have to say no today to my friend. And quite frankly I'm not going to offer to help as many people. My internal resources are limited and stressed and until I can build that back up, well, I'm not going to be very good for anyone. Pen

8/16/2017 12:58:51 PM
Well, the man can fuck, I'll give him that...I'm still trying to figure out why an almost 40 yr old needs very little refractory period to get hard again so fast. He's not 22, so I don't quite get it. I've thought perhaps it's a little blue pill since he claims to go without ejacuating for a week at a time. And he's the second guy I've known who told me he can orgasm without ejaculating if he needs to in between. The advantage is of course, a ton of cum. I admit to have more than a passing fascination with the stuff. Not necessarily to consume it, though I might with a kinkiest guy. But watching a man o is still the pinnacle of sex for me. Add the visual of spurt after spurt of the good stuff...well, it's HOT... I think I take to heart some of what I read when it helps me to distance myself when I start to feel uncomfortable. The intimacy/intensity (I'm not sure which it is) of things with D lead me to figuratively put hands on my hips, arms akimbo, anything to take up more space and prevent him from approaching any closer. Why? Well the start of a fade has occurred. IDK if it's because we are going to work closely together with his staff along the next few weeks. Or if it's just familiar. Or if I am just beginning to swim out of the depths of limerance to see our differences. Honestly? The thing that did it? He's not nice to my cats. He has an overly attached (mutually so) little dog. I deal with her. I talk to her. Let her sit on my lap. Admire her. But truly I am not a fan of little dogs. Dogs yes. Little yappers, no. Grooming every 6 weeks? Sounds ridiculous to me. But then I'd shower mine at home from puppydom if it came to that. Okay so my cats are like dogs. Socialized and friendly. They seek attention and a pat on the head. He moves his shoes to my dresser because the scent of my cats makes his dog curious. Um...the dog hair on my clothes makes my cats curious too. It's like only liking your own children. Alright so I've been guilty of that. But my big Tom who is a doll comes over and he either backs or pushes him away. This is the man who has left a naked me in his bed to go to the living room and sit with his dog in her crate when she makes noises. And yes, gives me a "you don't mind if I bring her to bed for a bit?" OMFG. Yes, I mind. And I love animals. So I've been reading all about FWB relationships. I don't think I ever got the real nature of such a thing as I've always equated them with fuck buddies. The friendship first element is not where I've placed my focus as I wanted the sex more and the friendship was just a happenstance bonus if it occurred. It helps me to understand D's approach which has been quite different that my experience. IDK...I'm a girl after all. I used to get texts initiated by him as if he couldn't not. It seemed easy as he always made an effort to please and seemed more open than I thought I had seen. But when these things start to shift and get confusing (mind you I don't think he senses a shift, but I feel one), I back off and out. Apparently FWBs should not spend the night. I thought spending the night was mannerly and charming, but last night I really wanted a warm shower and to stay up late watching Netflix on my ipad. Solo. I didn't because for all my grumps here, I do have manners. But ugh...I want my bed to myself. And I'm thinking my idea of needed a queen bed, to make room for a partner in my life is not so necessary. My pretty little yellow bed is rather perfect for me. I just can't have a tall guy over.... He complains a lot, D. I thought it was all simply sharing. But when he shared how he had to eliminate some facebook friends today because of their politics...He doesn't eat fish. I LIVE on fish. I know, I know...but he eats like a kid. Life intervenes...more later....to be continued.

8/14/2017 7:03:47 PM
I'm back home from our travels. As imperfect as my place is, it's still rather nice. There are so many pieces put together over the years of my eclectic style that combine into curves or color or details that catch my eye and give me pleasure. My family and the pets are back together, everyone happy to have company, shower with great water pressure and slightly harder water that is great for my baby fine hair, and eager to sleep in real beds again. The high speed wifi and cheap tv I love. Yes, I'll spend lots for the fastest wifi I can get but have the cheapest relatively small at 31" tv in the neighborhood. I was astonished at the quality of my friends' tv but it made my eyes hurt. Fresh food, lots of greens and back to the chair in my room that feels like a hug. And the lighting that does wonders for my ageing skin...spoiled girl that I am. D began texting again after my friend advised me not to expect him to do all he work and text the guy...the funny thing is...I'm less thrilled about him now. How did that happen so fast? I think his el disappearo act just did it. I don't want to want. So without feedback or interaction, I simply stop. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism. My friends all agree I got fucked (and not in a good way) but some folks who were really important to me. So periodically I withdraw. And I'm craving withdrawal now as life and sex and that romantic stuff D tosses carelessly at me is complicating things. I need to sort out my move, my professional commitments ahead, and focus on getting my family what they need. Humor, I can do. Taking care of them, I got that. My girl, back after a week away, is begging me to make my kind of food for her. It took all summer but I've met their needs and given them all experiences that will stick with them. Now it's time to prepare for what's ahead and it's far less fun and way more work. I've grown tired of the parties, as much as I like sex as recreation. I don't like miscellaneous males brushing against my ass without permission. And I'm irritable enough to feel more like a piece of meat than a woman desired. Because really...sex is simple recreation in its current incarnations. And you need time for recreation. I've priorities that need to be addressed. It's just so odd that I'm off D all of a sudden. I think things build up and without any form of commitment, well there's no desire to sort it out. As much as I just want to fuck, last time was no foreplay even if we did fuck 3x. I still can take it, but sheet that remain dry as chalk tell me even with my moaning and groaning I didn't cum. And a guy who doesn't notice that kind of sucks. It's the same position each time. He fucks well and long and is a lovely man. But my head isn't in the game any more, and boys, we women are mind fucks more than the simply physical. I want to be home. But of course home is changing. I will still have my stuff, but I've spent a few decades here. It's bound to be an adjustment. But I don't really feel supported by anyone here. I don't think anyone really gets how complicated and stressful this is. And I can't break. I have to use humor and positivity to convince my family the best is yet to be and this is good for us. It is. But...that doesn't mean it isn't hard. It's overwhelming. I came home and masturbated to take the edge off. D reached out with his talk. He is fond of using "bull" terminology that did little but annoy me tonight. Me, who is generally accepting of others kinks and foibles...I think I got close but had a wake up call. But there's also an odd way I work. When I'm having sex regular and am "on," I stay on. But when there's a dearth of it or I simply have things that must be done and that part of me is "off," I stay off and I don't feel need as deeply. It's like my libido goes into hibernation. I'll still use my toys as needed to relax, but I don't cum through masturbation. It's just that sensation of fullness meets a simple need. I think there's an empty spot or two inside of me. And filling what I can temporarily assuages whatever need there is that I keep tamped down. It bears more thinking. But right now fuck it. My chair. Just enough AC. A cozy throw. My ipad on the buck wheat pillow on my lap. Typing away to all you fellow kinksters. And getting out this angst or whatever this edgy pissed off mood of mine currently is. I think I'm just tired of those who flirt in and out of my life and want someone who will step up, be my friend and actually help me. And no darlings, I'm not talking about y'all here, but rather those who I've touched and talked and been a friend to. My intimates. Most of whom I currently feel like dumping. I think what I need to go back to my introvert roots and be alone for a bit. I've always counted on myself when it comes down to actually delivering what's needed. And I'm damn tired. A night solo might be what the doc ordered. A grumpy Pen.

8/14/2017 5:36:14 AM
As much as my dear friend and I likely look like sister wives with 6 children between us of every age and size imaginable, it's good to have a companion who gets it. She has cared for my children since they were babies and now I get to return the favor as a beloved aunt. And given my own highly dysfunctional extended family, this is a good thing. Her parents passed a few years ago and were neighbors, friends, and essentially adopted family. We would dine together often at her parents' home and during the hardest parts of my separation she would be my bulwark and we'd have my ex pick up the children from her family's home. She held my hand. She and hers sheltered me and mine during the worst of the Sandy recovery as we slept in front of their fireplace. It forges bonds deeper than our surface differences. And it's been a respite to be where I am so thoroughly loved. And my children as well. It takes me awhile sometime to appreciate and see that I am cared for. Actually it takes a damn long time. My efforts to manage attachment seem stupid from here. But it's second nature at this point. But I keep growing so maybe I'll be like the Grinch and my heart will grow too! I think part of it is the incredible trust we have for each other. There aren't many I trust with my children. And she hands her beautiful baby to me as a matter of course. My childen sit side by side to hers as close as they can get as they love each other so, with the tiny new one in the middle of what amounts to family. They all love, look to, and take care of each other. Mine are the elders and it's a beautiful thing to see them so engaged, loving, and giving to much smaller children. And I think it must be wonderful for them to be so adored. It's wonderful to anyone to be adored. If I weren't such a curmudgeon perhaps I'd allow myself to be adored. But I analyze every connection to pieces looking for angles. Looking for someone wanting something of me. Relaxing and enjoying it without figuring out the psyche and motivations of a partner...I don't remember the last time I did it. I look at their stage of life, what they have done versus their regrets, job and financial motivations and fulfillment, past relationship history, fetishes, family and friendship connections, background check for any glaring oops...and I create a picture. Whether it bears any reality to who they really are remains to be seen. It not like I can predict how a relationship will go. That doesn't stop me from trying to assess risk and determine how deep I let myself go. And quite frankly as much as I pretend I have that much control, connection happens quite aside from what I think I want or can control. I've loved men who I knew weren't good for me. I've not been able to love men who were delightful and adored me. And I haven't been terribly successful at finding one who has made me feel supported, loved and thoroughly enhanced my life. What I'm good at is sex. And occasionally seduction. I can give things sexually that are way beyond my personal preferences which are more pedestrian than kinky. Sure I would love a nice thuddy flogging now and then, tolerate the occasionally spank, could go for the attention my body gets when I am bound (if I could trust anyone with rope)...but mostly I want to fuck. Penetration is what I adore. And my submissive side emerges as I desire to possessed fully by a man. So penetration is the name of the game. Add that I'm a g spot girl, well, you get it. But lately it is the more classic skills of making love that have me craving. The kissing, hands linked above my head, the talk, the slow deep fuck...the tuck in. I craving the kiss and smile at the sight of me more than the penetration. That's new. IDK if I'm going soft, or simply learning there are more pleasures to be had than I've allowed myself in the past. Pen

8/12/2017 2:03:05 PM
A wee bit far from home, roadtripping to friends who live very differently than we do. I've always been fascinated at how others structure their lives. I wouldn't make many of the same choices my friend, a sister in all but blood, made. But I adore and respect her all the same. It's just interesting how others fill time. There seems to be so much more of it in their lives and the hours longer. Why is is mine seems to run out so fast? We literally had to fill the day. My days seem born full. And perhaps that sounds snooty. But it's not meant to. But living in the country a good 20 minutes from a store means you make a day of shopping it seems, though it feels as all we did was drive and drive and buy stuff. But then I prefer to do over see, so mine is a different perspective. Still it's good to be around young children and folks who are always on my side as I am theirs even if I live way differently. But it's tiring and I begin to crave home. I haven't heard from D. But then I would hesitate to text anyone I was even minorly interested in romantically if they were away. So not unusual. But when I travel, I am the only adult. Hell, that's how I live. And the communication and support of another adult keeps me...well...from feeling quite so alone. There's great deal of tactile input. One of my children is back from a week away and tucked into me most of the afternoon. And my "sister" has a wee baby, just months old. She is utterly beautiful and charming. I can get tipsy on the scent of a baby's perfect little bald head. And the squish of their tender skin. Add wide eyes and toothless grins, well...who can help but be entranced? Those impossibly soft never-walked-on feet and tiny toes defy deion. And I adore meeting what my children call a brand new tiny human. Naturally after this trip, all about family and others, I'll come back eager to be selfish. Eager to fuck. Oh, So eager to fuck. But I will have to necessarily deal with impossible levels of stress. I think it just might crash things with D. But hell, I think I have to remember I had an unexpectedly delightful July and it's been forever since I've had a summer romance, fwb or not... Pen

8/10/2017 7:47:16 AM
I am on the edge of tears today. Concerned certainly that a good friend, an elderly man, fell today. Wishing and a little guilty that I can't give him the care he needs. He needs more than I and his friends can do. That's not what started this emotive state. I've been around less for my family...taking care of what I need, work, other people who need my skill set more. And I expect to pick up more hours and be away more. As hard as it was spending the time I did with them at home for as much of their childhood as I could, I miss it. I miss being the mom who went to every game, baked for every bake sale, picked up her children and fill the car with other's children after and before school some days. I (and the children) miss real food, cooked by me over I-have-a-meeting-here's-40-bucks-for the pizza place. Instead of being in the center of the big couch I bought so we would would all fit together like a pile of puppies, I'm in the breakfast room studying during movie night. And I don't remember the last time I made a hot breakfast for all. I AM that retro chick. And yes, my children are teenagers capable of doing much for themselves. But even I, as an adult, would do almost anything to have a "mommy" for a bit. It's good to be taken care of. And right now I want to both fill that role and be taken care of myself. The vacancy of that spot in my life amounts to physical pain right now. Like a hole in my heart. For someone who is all about managing attachment, I sure need it bad. Sex mimics it for me. Because c'mon, truly, I let a man inside my body...we are literally attached for a time. It's a sense of fullness I crave. Times like these when I crave, sex can fill the gap. But there's no time for such at present. My days have been spent catching with old friends and cohorts, most younger than I and at the place in their lives I was just before my marriage fell apart. I visit perfect homes. Small children, exquisite in their beauty and developmentally a challenge for any adults in their vicinity. The family composition I believed would never change...Mom, Dad, babies, pet(s). Though the dad role seems so often to involve not being there. Sure some of that is traditional bread winner reality of having to be at work full time and having a less flexible job. But traditionally men are the visitors who come and leave to hugs from their children. And women are always there. Not always of course. My friend is going batty 24 hours with her children and is looking for care so she can talk to adults and get away from the noise. Her reality will be what mine was. The guilt. The disbelief that more than half her income goes for someone else taking care of her children. And the craving to go back. We so often want what we don't have. Now I know what I see as perfection, new homes with newish families, all spic & span and shiny...is not the reality. But I look at my older friend who is nearly burdened by a home he can't take care of. And I look at myself in a big house I have the same problems with. I know I'm moving and soon as intimidating as it is. But it's to an older house that feels like a shack in comparison to the shiny big empty places my cohorts live. I suppose it's not bereft of charm. But okay, I'm feeling lesser. I tried to buy a car last week. Lease one actually. I thought my regular income and the divorce would make it finally possibly. But the financial disasters of the past years and years of separation and lack of support don't go away just because the husband does. And everyone is so positive. "Of course you can." "Anyone can get a car these days." And so on. But guess what? Not anyone can. It's humiliating. And I thought feeling humiliated ended when my ex couldn't control me financially anymore. It adds up. Everyone else seems to be doing so well. But my determinedly positive speeches are sounding empty to me right now. I manage attachment because I am afraid of loss. And today it seems that my life is canted to the loss side more than ever. My dear friend said to me last night. "Yeah, you try not to go there because hasn't everyone left you?" Well it's not quite that simple. Sure parents have. My gran died. My extended family doesn't keep in touch. But I'm the one who leaves usually. I catch the vibe and I head it off at the pass. I left my hometown and most of my family viewed it as a rejection of them and their lives. And in many relationships I try to be the one to leave first once I perceive them to no longer be all in. My friends are afraid I'm going to do that with D. And I'm close. He has become a sounding board. A friend. And he's good naked. I like looking at him. I like our vocal interplay when he's deep inside of me. But I hate that I want him this much. And I want his "c'mere" when he pulls me to him post-coitus tucks my head on his chest and hold me close. I want that more than the fucking right now. But I think it makes me weak. I need to get mad and use that energy rather than the sad I feel right now. How do other people make ends meet? I have resources. But it looks like others live better than we do. But maybe this is the cost of living in the best neighborhood you can barely afford to keep kids in great schools. There is no doubt there's a cost. The benefit I do see in very smart, very capable, mannerly, hard working kids. All individuals. All very different and they celebrate those differences. But I suppose I've also taught them how to leave folks behind who don't support them. They talk to me. But then I can talk about such oddly different topics. Archery. Left or right eye dominances. Shooting sports. What a tailwhip is on a proscooter or a table on a BMX bike. I know to call a cape a "cloak" when talking The Ranger's Apprentice books. How to explain how much it costs to live in a house. How to allocate resources. Time management. Planning. Why your veins looks blue/green. How to spell almost anything. Fixes for technology. How to scramble a perfect egg. Why you need to keep that butter really cold when making scones. That the fruit of a tomato plant is the only part that is not poisonous. How to take a load of disparate produce from the co-op farm and not waste any of it. Why this move is gonna be great for us all... Here's the thing. I'm 52 years old. And everyone seems to be further along than I. I know maybe my head isn't screwed on quite straight at the moment. And there's no going back. I know my children are happy and people I and others like. If anyone can make our world a little better, they will. If that's all I do, that's pretty good. But at 52 I may well have another 40 years ahead. How the fuck am I gonna make them good? I can't just fuck and have kinky sex as my top recreational activity when I'm 80. Though if anyone could manage that it might be me... A questioning Pen

8/8/2017 3:01:59 PM
I wrote this earlier (actually before my first post of the day below) when I couldn't access the site. I figure it's something I will need to read again, so here ii is: This whole December/May romance thingÖitís hard to remember heís younger. Thereís a crevasse in my mind, a deep dark place, that thinks I could fall for this guy. The stupidity of such a course is self evident. But itís wonderful being treated like a rare bird. Itís not so different from the students Iíve met in the past who were astonished at how much Iíve done. I never thought I was particularly interesting. Sure I know quite a bit about a variety of things. And have had several of my dream jobs. But I always saw that as a life without vocation. Without passion. I never knew who I wanted to be when I grew up. Aside from having decent clothes, my own apartment, and a catÖwell that was it for my goal set. I got looked at with disbelief and coming from a dysfunctional world at best, I figured Iíd take the cue and find some more goals. I had a good job. Then went to a better one even though neither was happy-making. I married, same there. I had kiddos. Now that was an eye opener. Those three people, my children, helped me to create a richer deeper life and love than I thought possible. Theyíre beautiful and I hope they do beautiful things. I know if nothing else they will always know how loved they are (a gift my own parents never gave me). And if thatís all I do in this world, well then itís been a good one. So back to the guy. And itís not even like heís the only guy. There are two. Rockstar. My age. A stoner singer/songwriter who has a very good day job in healthcare. Love him. Heís a little guy. Fit. Few possessions. I love that. And willing to chat and share knowledge. Post coitus talking hospital stuff is great. So chill. He gave me a lesson in phlebotomy and IV access as we lay there palpating our veins. Fascinating. And fun. Címon the guy said to me ďyou know you exude sex.Ē High praise indeed. And then thereís D. The unexpected D. Our date was a lark. I always wanted to go out in Sea Bright. No expectations but fun. The last thing I wanted was to date a guy from his town, the parvenue of my ex and his social climbing friends. But here I am. Wine tasting at the fancy Francophile cafe. Meeting his friends and neighbors. The local speakeasy bar no one but locals know of. Dining out and about at places beyond my budget. Iíd forgotten what it was like to be with a generous guy. Mannerly. Guys from this town have to be class acts. And D is that. The fact that he is as accepting of folks as he is, is remarkable. Even my awful experience trying to get a car he took in stride. And helped me. Iíve rarely met a man who was driven to help and nurture in the ways I am. He is that guy. And that is very appealing. His is not from desperation and looking to get something back, though he loves reciprocal relationships as much as I do. Heís a natural. Though he claims allowing me to touch him the way I do is new for him. That he is not a touchy feely guy. But with me he is. Iím sure heís naturally affectionate. But he is sensitive. And I know he is a man who has been judged. By his income level, lack of connections on Wall St, being single at 39, his hirsuteness. And certainly by his subsequent lack of prestige jobs. I think heís remarkable. But then I donít judge many by their jobs, but rather by capability. I admire capability in itís many forms from the guy who knows how to fix a bike to the phlebotomist at the lab who is so skilled I donít feel it. And having been a Wall Streeter, Iím not very impressed with suits. I am impressed with those who go the extra mile and who treat everyone from their server at a restaurant to their senator the same. I crave the man. Kissing is a beautiful thing. The making love element of the sex we have. The conversation mid-fucking. The incessant way he keeps getting hard. His desire to give me his seed. The way he pulls my head to his chest post and tells me to címon and snuggle. Yeah, yíall are thinking this is way more than sex. And it is. But we are Friends, with a capital F for ďfucking.Ē I enjoy his personality. But we are careful. He is monogamous by accident, as I am the only one he is fucking at present. But he is looking. I persist in looking and making sure he is not my only one to manage attachment. But quite frankly he is heaven sent. I met an estate sale guy at a time I need to consolidate, liquidate, and move. Itís his business. And I was lackadaisical about meeting him to start with, figuring he is all talk. He found me looking and that impromptu date turned into something lovely. I think my lack of interest made him more desirous of securing mine. His new level of compliments are glorious. Though I really hesitated inviting him down during the day when some of the children are home. Having a son taller than he really brings to the forefront that I have lived quite a bit longer than he. But of course my children are impressive people in themselves. D now sees what I mean about my astonishingly beautiful youngest child. He is the most handsome human being Iíve ever seen. And Iím not the only one who feel that way. Add that he surfs, drums, and boardsÖwell, the chicks are going to flock to him. I just like to look at him sometimes. Beauty is just beauty. And my eldest. Always smiling. Engaging. Polite. Both with great vocabularies. Manners. And all entirely individual. But all mostly kind. Beautiful inside and out. Thatís enough for now. CS is down, but you know meÖalways need to express. Get the inner outer. Open up space in my skull. Time to go home. Wake the sleeping teen. And get to work. Pen

8/8/2017 12:32:09 PM
I had trouble accessing the site. Not unusual here and periodically I think of officially blogging on my own site. But I met my best friend here. And a Dom or two. As well as other friends I value. So for all it's imperfections, I continue. Especially since, I'd miss y'all... Cub, D, invited himself over this evening. Now I'm on another site where we met. A swinger's site, so most of you can guess which one. On there I state quite I'm looking for a guy to host. And decidedly "not looking for a bf, though life has a way of surprising us...". Now he's been here before. And yes, it's a cool completely out of the ordinary house and mine for another few months at best. Of course the PITA thing about fucking a squirter is the damn laundry. I get it. And his parents are visiting him tomorrow and he seems nervous about it. Cleaning his house and all. Mind you he lives alone. It's already clean. Now is when he seems impossibly young. Is he afraid they'll come early and run into this vintage model leaving his house? Or that I'll mess up his house? Well it's a fair assumption given what I can do to a bed on a good night. He's been here. A couple times he has spent the night in my bed. He snores. I probably do too. Hell, most men snore. TBH did as well. Cuck used to almost whistle in his sleep. And yes, most nights with company I find myself laying awake listening to the guy beside me inexplicably sharing my bed and trying to fall back asleep. But I'm mannerly. And not without my own odd noises. Ever toot during a huge orgasm? Exactly. Our bodies do what they do. Accept it and move on. It's not that I'm greedy for my bed and space. Quite frankly at times now I feel I have too much space. But my children arrive back from their fathers in the early AM and I won't have a guy here in the morning. So it creates pressure on my to get them to leave and it's just not fun. A weekend? Sure. But I spend a night, noises and all..staying up late...fucking whenever and however many times we can bang it out...I don't want to set an alarm at 6:30 am to get you fucked, showered, up, fed, and out the door. It's like a modified version of my morning the rest of the year when I have to be up and at 'em to get my kiddos to school. It is so seldom I have the luxury of a sleep in. Add the pleasure of a man I enjoy and want to fuck...well...I want good morning sex that I'm not thinking "hurry up and cum so you can go." And a shower that's not rushed. And walking around the corner for breakfast at the fancy cafe. I so fucking don't want here. But I didn't say anything except to bring up the early wake up. His response of "sounds good' didn't win him any friends here. And yeah, the morning thing with breakfast and morning sex is that part of the boyfriend experience I LIKE. And want. And quite frankly I've been sleep deprived long enough (especially having raised children) that taking away a sleep in morning makes me want to have something come up so I can't see him at all. He DID invite himself over. I even reached out to the wuz to see if he can switch nights with me so it wouldn't be lying to have something come up to cancel him. And this morning I was craving the guy. He does have sex the same way everytime though. TBH was similar. Some guys, most guys, figure you out like you're a system to be played. She has enough o's and your good. I'm pretty easy if that's how you qualify a mutually good fuck. Multiorgasmic. A squirter. Thought don't be fooled. Just because you coax out squirt doesn't mean I'm orgasming. Though most of the time I am. It's when you get in my head. That's a real o to me. I need to qualify this since it sounds to me like I'm complaining. But I try hard not to edit my thoughts here. It's about being real. Both guys are AMAZING in bed. But I've been spoiled by connections that were so comfortable and intimate to allow complete freedom in the bedroom. With cuck we never knew where we'd go every time. Sex truly was different each time. The conversations were. It was a beautiful thing. Now it was the only exciting component of our interaction. But it was what started me here. And rock star. Similar. We go from conversation of a corporate culture we both know well, to a mini concert, to fucking all sorts of ways, foreplay can be foot fetish to well...anything but pain, to post-coitus discussing skills we perform in the business we share and practicing on each other. I need variety. And yeah, I suppose I'm easily bored. I understand now why D describes himself as an "old soul". He truly treats me better than anyone has except my ex in the early years of our courtship and marriage. Maybe it's my redo of that. And he is the most nurturing, affectionate, helpful soul I've met. But the whole time I'm managing attachment. I'm not good for him to become attached to when he still has too much of the classic benchmarks of adulthood to experience, like marriage and children. He would make a tremendous father though I expect an unhappy husband. There's the rub as it always is. And I won't give a man either. I expect one day I will be engaged for perpetuity...I would like a man who loves me to ask me to marry him. It was a non event with my ex and I. And every woman should have her proposal moment even if it does make all the blood leave our heads. I think I was always more a business decision than one of heart. With D I am a younger, more visceral, and far more loving version of myself. Perhaps this is why elder men prefer the company of younger women. I get the appeal. And as I'm the first X'er generation and D is the last of them, we match. Boomers and I...well...I am enthralled by their settledness and commitment and work ethic. And then it sinks in and I'm bored and frustrated. I'm about forming teams and working as part of them. I'm less committed to my work and more to my happiness. Though financial security is key to me as well; I prefer my own money through my own efforts. I wonder if I'll beg out of this evening. It'll be some time til i see him again. He'll either make efforts to meet someone else or begin to crave me more. This is getting too regular. And I still end up pleasing the guy over pleasing myself...and ending up unhappy as a result. Pen

8/5/2017 9:31:53 PM
I've made it through a divorcee Saturday night. Silly me. There's plenty to do. But you know, I've lost the knack of dining alone and a shore summer Saturday night is not the night to do so. The charming non-relationships I am pursuing require careful timing. Once a week. Maybe twice. More would be too much. And usually that's all I have. But a Saturday night sans family is made for more. And I'm either feeling alone or lonely. It's a new sensation so I'm still processing. I'd planned to take a roadtrip and meet up with TBH. But I'm done now. I'm glad I didn't believe him and scheduled otherwise. He is inconsistent at best. And may never know what he wants. Opportunities narrow as we age and find ourselves focused on must do's over want to do's. Enough of that. And certainly enough of him. If this was April, I'd be teary eyed. But now I know better. I still feel it. But a lesson learned. I'm a woman who appreciates and notices those who share values. I do what I say I'm going to do, even when it's hard. TBH not so much. The darling cub, yes. The rock star...well I have even fewer expectations of him. So it doesn't matter much. But both are non-monogamous, non-defined pseudo relationships. Pseudo or not, the cub, D, was there for me this week. Kind and thorough. I understand him. He gets waylaid by work as I do myself. But then his bday arrived and I pursuaded him to get out as he needed to. 39. Lol. The age when my youngest son was born and the last true year of my marriage more than a decade ago. To him it's just another number as he hasn't moved towards marriage, children, home ownership, or any of the myriad of things we are told is growing up. It's not you know. Skip the laundry list of classic must do's and find your own way... It was too crowded to dine alone anywhere tonight, even though I was craving company. So I splurged on a Whole Foods steak...now I know how to make a perfect steak in my cast iron pan...and I don't indulge in red meat much. But tonight it was perfection. Along with avocado, Jersey beefsteak tomato, and local mozzarella topped with my fav lemon balsamic. And dark n stormies X2. I'm starting to crave a boyfriend. But I have the boyfriend experience with cub so I should let be. But damn if I don't wish I could tuck in tonight and sleep with my head on slightly fuzzy warm chest, having my hair stroked back from my forehead and just sleep. It'll be just me and silk pillowcases tonight instead. But you know, that's not so bad. It's just once you get used to sleeping with someone, you just might crave them. And heaven knows wanting is something I do far less well than the actual having. Pen

8/4/2017 7:06:33 AM
It's been a hump. I try to live in the positive. I'm celebrating the beauty of being on the other side of a divorce. But there are going to be days that suck. And there's been a few of them strung together in a dismal daisy chain of frustration. I'm doing what doesn't come naturally to me and asking for help. Unfortunately, the end result wasn't ideal. But I still learned a hell of a lot that I expect will serve me well going forward. It was a reality check for Polly Anna. I'm only a month divorced. So some of the fiscal mismanagement consequences still stick even though I'm well positioned now going forward. This is a transition though and just when I get used to a system it seems to shift and change and fuck with my efforts to plan. I'm a natural at planning and organizing. I fight my nature everyday to control all I can because I know it's not good for me. And it's not good for the other people in my life if I try too hard. But what a boring skill set! Useful for sure. But damn. Being good at organizing, planning, risk management...just makes me yawn. Just like my natural nurturing spirit. It's all so NICE...I'm craving a walk on the dark side. And it might well be time to create a go bag of rope, naughties, that chain mail flogger that is so damn beautiful. It's definitely time to push and surprise and expand other's limits. I adore being taken care of sexually. And otherwise. It's such a departure from my usual. And quite frankly I experience the need for it. Both sexually and emotionally. To have a shoulder to tuck into while a discussion rumbles back and forth. To simply connect. Expression frees me, empties my head and makes space for pleasure over worries. Not that I let worry stay long. I tend to find a way to DO something to resolve it. But I also think my desire for action and socialization is an effort to avoid thinking too deeply about issues I don't have a solution for. But then not everything ahead can be solved. Sometimes you just have to wait til you get there. TBH turned me on to coconut oil. And I have a particularly delish new jar that is sheer luxury, all smoothness that melts at body temp. It makes me want to slip and slide along a lover. I love cock. Y'all know that. But I particularly love to do a sensual cock massage with coconut oil. To play and tease. And coconut oil adds to mouth feel and lubrication so a more challenging cock can slide deeper and easier in my rather small mouth. I'm starting to think more about TBH who I havent seen for many weeks...I know he has a rather amazing cock but I can't close my eyes anymore and remember it. For a while it was imprinted in my brain from week to week. He's a smart a@@ but a wit. It's a nice combo and rather more challenging than the charming but less dimensional men I've spent time with lately. Still though, I appreciate pleasure. I appreciate goodness. And it's simply lovely to know you are wanted. A struggling Pen

8/1/2017 11:58:20 AM
A man who is able to fully engage in the moment is hard to find. I'm told it's equally hard for those men to find a woman who rolls the same way. There is never any doubt that when I am with a man, I am all in. I listen. I take in the way his hair curls, the length of his neck, the glimpse of chest musculature, his hands and what I imagine they are capable of. I can get a little lost in lips. Or a smile. I begin to crave to lean over or push up onto my tiptoes in the case of TBH and touch lips to lips. Then you feel the curve of a smile begin against your lips as you realize you are both close as can be, grinning. Being enjoyed is the best of compliments. It's one I pay to my partners often. At this point though, now...I want someone who will go the extra effort. As I do. I haven't the desire or wherewithal to try and give without feeling the reciprocation. It's not like I keep track. But instinct is core knowledge. It tells a women who is in and who is just taking the path of least resistance. I can get almost any man to show up. But wanting to keep him a bit takes effort. I want to be seduced. And I'm not afraid to ask for what I want even though sometimes it feels decidedly uncomfortable. But when it becomes clear that I'm not going to get it, these days I let go. There are too many other options. I still believe in soul mates. But I have had some truly beautiful undefined relationships. And yeah, part of the reason I don't want to define them as I'm not sure about monogamy. Monogamy is ingrained in my values system. It's supposed to be the culmination of a relationship. I've seen it too often as a death knell. But sure there's an appeal to wanting and being wanted above all others. It's just time...and commitment. I don't know that I have either to give. Funny though, if you really want someone you figure out a way to make it happen. I have two idea guys to date at present. Local. Fun. Fabulous. Neither bear any resemblance to the other. Or really to who I imagine myself to be with. Neither is a long term guy. I always thought I was an "in for the duration" kind of chick. But that was married me. Now though...I suppose I should sow my oats. But connection calls. And connection and chemistry, though easier to find than I thought, are still not common. With connection it's all better. Sex. Conversation. The push me/pull me moments. Maybe even attachment. And despite knowing better, I care. Hell, I care about most folks whose lives I touch. I care about my friends here. I just rarely feel loved the way I love...but maybe none of us does. Pen

7/30/2017 6:45:20 PM
I used to cry when I had sex. Yep, I said it. With my ex, many times I found myself in tears post coitus. I didn't know any better the decades I was with him. I loved sex and penetration. But I never had anything resembling the o's I have now. I think in retrospect he got me a fingersbreath away from cumming and he was done. Though his approach to me was less than charming. His usual approach to me was "so, you feeling charitable tonight?" Honestly folks, you can't make this crapola up....or "don't worry, it'll be over quick." Is it any wonder how enthralled and focused I am now that I know better? The past decade has been a gift. Of o's. Of squirting. Of pleasure. Of skilled men. Of seduction. Of trusting my instincts. And of celebrating each and every o as a gift. Pen

7/30/2017 7:10:20 AM
Saturday nights and lazy Sunday mornings are meant for spending time in bed with windows open. Better yet to have company. But y'all know I don't have company, especially overnight, when my family is home. Or do you know that? No sexual hangups here in private. But publically I seek to be appropriate at all times. You won't find me dogging or playing in a car no matter how horny I get. A bed is the best place to do these things for a multiorgasmic squirter. I usually wake early, lock my bedroom door, and fill myself with a dildo or two along with the buzz of the hitachi...I rarely cum solo, but the sense of fullness eases me. It confuses guys at first who spend time on oral and tickling my clit...I enjoy it. I love tasting myself on my lover's lips. But it's not going to get me off. G spot all the way here, so it takes just the right penetration...and deep. Hence my love for cocks on the thicker side. Though interestingly post coitus, surface stimulation works beautifully. I've a fantasy of a lover who will fill me with great quantities of his cum then touch my slippery folds after while grinning and pushing me for me. It goes hand-in-hand with a man who is not afraid to taste his own cum from my puss and share it with me in a kiss. Kinky girl? Yes. But more so than that. I'm a woman who enjoys being pushed sexually. And it takes a skilled, confident, trustworthy guy to take me there. Fortunately there are one or two men in my life at present who I can spend time outside of my comfort zone with...grin! Pen

7/29/2017 2:06:31 PM
Time is the most precious commodity to those of us who don't have it. I have some leisure but of course my priority is and will be my family. The hours left or that I manage to carve out are precious and I don't want to spend them with others who won't appreciate the gift it is. I appreciate those I spend time with the same way. Adults have complicated lives. Especially when you have multiple responsibilities, commitments, and working your ass off enough to be fiscally secure matters to you. Frank Kaiser wrote of women over 40, how we don't hesitate to tell and show you how much we appreciate you. You see, we know what it is to be taken for granted. Here is is: "One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women. When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible. Today, at 65, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence. But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. Iíve learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty. As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women: An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, ďWhat are you thinking?Ē An older woman doesnít care what you think. An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God! An older woman looks great wearing bright red lipstick even in glaring sunlight. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart! Her libidoís stronger. Her fear of pregnancy gone. Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal. And sheís lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!) Older women are forthright and honest. Theyíll tell you right off that you are a jerk if youíre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, caring what you might think of her. An older woman doesnít give a damn. An older, single woman usually has had her fill of ďmeaningful relationshipsĒ and ďcommitment.Ē Canít relate? Canít commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are dignified. They seldom contemplate having a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they wonít hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. Theyíre generous with praise, often undeserved. An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman with a man often will ignore even her best friend because she doesnít trust the guy with other women. The older woman couldnít care less. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always just know. Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few. Unfortunately, itís not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 thereís a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman youíve become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity." Girls, it's pretty fabulous, isn't it? And remarkably astute in many ways. Harsh though. I don't find men genetically inferior of course. They just don't usually think to take care of themselves the way a woman will until they get a heath scare as a wake up call. I do adore bright lipstick. Perhaps part of my retro charm. But then I have good, full, unwrinkled lips. It belies the thought everyone has that my heritage is Irish. I haven't met an Irish woman with lips as full as mine. I've really just learned to enjoy the pleasures of kissing again this year. A man who can kiss his way to seducing me...oh please do. It's true I don't care much if a man is a commitment phobe as there are few I'd want to keep, that doesn't mean however that I'm not looking. A deeper relationship flirts in my head, but he would have to be a rare man and a giver. Most want more caretaking and live a life of such. I need respite. A man to sink into deeply who tries very hard to please me. Now that's a novelty. It works when you share values, fetishes, and open communication and that hard-to-achieve concept of balance. But mostly I need to fuck someone I'm connected to who is not intimidated by my libido. Harder to find than you'd think... Pen

7/28/2017 9:42:17 AM
My confidence is increasing. I know more than I give myself credit for. And I'm saying no to the lovely ego-boosting attention I'm getting. I must be putting out vibes. But quite frankly I already know what I want. I don't need a stable, no matter how appealing the reserve chutes might be. I'm not ready to commit to monogamy but then no one is asking. I think that's still who I am at heart. I'm fortunate to know some remarkable men as friends and a few as lovers. And to be able to date and relate the way I need to right now. It's pissing supersub off as he wants me to go back and doesn't see this is my way forward. Selfish? Yes. But guess what? I get to be that way about what I want in a partner/friend/lover. And I want a guy who is all three and devoted to me. As y'all know I would be to him. I'm devoted to friends too. But I can only give what I can. That's always the rub, isn't it? We find someone we know we can adore or at least simply just want like all get out, but neither wants the same thing or can give it at the same time. Well, all I can do is try. And be. And live what I know is right for me. And I know me right now so well. I feel in someways I've become a friend to myself in discovering what I must do, want, and find. That's not going to change. I give. And no one is happy with the portion they have, most seem to want more. I know that sensation. But I have finite emotion and energy and time. I am not going to feel bad because I can't give more. I'll give what I can. But it saps me when it's not reciprocal in the way I need it to be. Pen

7/27/2017 7:09:31 PM
In my personal and professional masks I see lives change suddenly. I'm not unique in that, but I care deeply about people and am driven to help when I can. Sounds noble. But it isn't. It's just what I must do to make the bullshit and pain I've gone through (and subsequent hard fought knowlege) meaningful. I need to live a meaningful life. I need rewards, both intrinsic and external. I spent the night with an elderly friend who was feeling very vulnerable and in need. I love the man, and we've long been good friends to each other. In some ways he is my opportunity to redo what I couldn't do for my Grandmother in her age, as I live far from home. I have few extended family ties anymore with her passing. She was the glue that held us all together. And I stopped being willing to give to a family who doesn't understand reciprocal relationships. So in some ways, my elderly friend is family. But with connection comes responsibility. And I have so many already. He would like me to take care of him always and I get it. Establishing boundaries with those you love are HARD. But I can't be who a lot of people want me to be. And it seems I usually come to this point. Once I would like to be precisely who someone else wants and he/she precisely what I want. I met up with D today. He knew I was going to be uncomfortable last night at my elderly friends house. Like many elderly folks, he choses not to use air conditioning and can't quite maintain his home well or clean. And with age and vulnerability, many become a bit paranoid of others and lose trust, particularly when they live amidst possessions of value. It was an airless dusty night. But I'm a mannerly sort even when I am very uncomfortable. Fortunately D's bungalow is nearby. I haven't known him that long but his hospitality is fabulous. I was able to just come over, shower off the dust, and snug up to him and his dog. I am sure most of his neighbors think he is gay. The great hair, the little dog he walks and adores, and his singledom. I assure you, the man is entirely hetero. I wasn't there to fuck him as horomones rage...but there was some rather fabulous tucking in and feeling ...my word would be "loved" but there isn't love involved in our interactions. It's a friendship, mutually supportive and good times. But he's a nice guy. And that level of openness and sheer hospitality is just...so EASY. And simple. I read a bit of an email that sprung from my interaction with him. He is curious. And young. And appreciates more feedback than any man I've ever met. He was inordinately pleased that I referred to him in print. Sexually he's a dynamo. But he seems to need to think that what we have is completely unique and that he makes me feel like no other man has before. Well maybe we all need that. And of course it is unique and different. Though there are similarities to he and another high testosterone man I dated, CW. Hot, hard, potent men. Not tall, broader but not heavy, hirsute more than my usual taste but it suits them and the most potent of men are hairy. They both have the most beautiful clear eyes and truly great hair with silver temples despite their relative youth. Silver temples slay men. Actually grey haired men are my personal preference for hotness. Even if they are younger, I prefer the illusion of maturity. And both men were affectionate, talkers, made me feel protected and very feminine. It's hard to pay for anything when they are around which I appreciate but never expect. Though I manage now and then. And yes, women like when you pay as was long traditional. But I'm retro and love mannerly men. Though I also insist on reciprocation, so now and then I'll buy you dinner when you go off the restroom as a fait accompli. I really do appreciate D. He's taught me what I want. That level of hospitality and openness. It doesn't come naturally to me, but it does with him now. He reaches for my hand as we walked to and fro the beautiful cafe around the corner. I'm not used to the sex with the making out. I'm completely unused to the feeling of being made love to. Though we quite consciously define this as friendship. He wants us to be "best friends" whatever that means in his world. I gently corrected him as I know friends like that are made because you make it through gauntlet's together. Those friendships are forged and don't just spring up newly. We are friends with fabulous benes who enjoy each other's company for a bit. I know so much more than he and am at a different place. But oh, we enjoy out time. And he is truly what it feels like when the breeze begins to blow off the ocean on a hot day. Lovely, appreciated, and just what is needed at the present. He is teaching me what I want. And what I don't. And in the loveliest of ways. And he's here. He takes the time to be available for me. Well really that's all a woman like I need. It really can be just that simple if you just show up. Pen

7/26/2017 7:51:39 AM
I've been attracting more attention than usual. I don't get it. Am I emitting pheromones? Is there a label above my head "available?" Lovely getting asked out. Like real dates over "let's fuck" though I expect everyone wants to fuck. Y'all know I do. But such pleasures are on hold for a time as I step up to the plate for others who need me. I get called a "good egg" by supersub. But you know it's not that I'm particularly good or bad. It's that I'm here. I have specific knowledge, hard won, that can help. And my basic credo has always been the golden rule. That's not going to change. Essentially it's selfish. If I don't live the way I think, I feel bad. So gotta follow that moral compass as that's how I live with myself. I am beginning to crave solitude. And a roadtrip. But I like living leaner, spending less to ultimately have more. It's been a long time since I could. Part of me is worried it's going to change at some point in time and feast/famine will take hold again as it was for so many years. This is so much better. And new. I think this is how other people live. Regular people. I wouldn't mind being regular folk. It sure beats constant cash flow stressors. That's why I don't have my own business anymore. I'll work corporate and enjoy every bene rather than scramble. It's better, if on the boring and regulated side, to work in that environment and live outside it on your own time. C'mon admit it, you kinky types lead outwardly very traditional lives. If that's you, I bet you can delve deeper than most. It's downright autumnal at the Jersey shore. And I've a long afternoon/night ahead of me. I've been ill the past few days. It's concerning as much will be asked of me the next days, but rest must wait. Malaise. Muscle pain. Sore throat. Hoarseness (though that's not unusual for me). Ear ache. I'm hoping it's just leftover drainage & pain from a medical massage I had a few days ago. It's not a favored massage technique for me. Though admittedly my area of concern feels fabulous, it seems to have made other areas hurt that didn't before. It's simple things like this that make me crave physical comfort. Not even sex. I would like to curl like a girl onto a tall warm man, head on his chest, his arms around me, listening to the grumble of his voice and beat of his heart. I'd like to just breathe every ache out and sink into comfort and rest. And bar that, since I don't really have a relationship like so at the moment, my pillows and bed and heavy blankets would do for a night of peace, rest, and solitude. Sigh, but that's not going to happen for awhile. Funny. I have that solitude and I dont' want it. I don't have it and I crave it. We're funny creatures. The grass is always greener. I wish I didn't work that way, but I'm as suseptible as anyone to wanting what I don't have. At least I appreciate what I do have. Pen

7/24/2017 9:31:06 AM
The redhead typing in the corner at Starbucks is getting some attention. Really it's making conversation. I meet the most interesting people, here online and in my various incarnations. Though we talk about all sorts of stuff. I make suggestions about options folks have, we might talk firearms & ammo, food & restaurants, life coaching...it's a microcosm of people. Many of them in transition like me as who has the time to hang at Starbucks midday during the week unless you are? Though a lot of folks do business here too. I've gotten absorbed into a small group of regulars which makes me less productive but is far more interesting. I seem pretty clueless sometime. I really don't know how others see me. Super sub really brought it to my notice. He's not particularly thrilled with me lately and my dating life. But we are still talking. I value him but I don't think he realizes how much. Sex. That's what y'all want to hear about in any case. And of course it's one of my favorite subjects. A long conversation with cuck last night. Yeah, I still talk to him. I don't want him. And am fine never meeting again. It has been freeing to know I am not bound to him by the love I once thought I felt. But cuck was the first to not just open up that dark side of mine but to embrace and celebrate it. It helped me reach a balance I never knew I needed until then. So he appreciates more than most some of my less wholesome tendencies. Sure, it also gets him off thinking of me with other men but the man does know parts of me well. He said to me "Darling you are the most sexually exciting woman ever." And I was for him. I why do I write something here that toots my own horn so obviously? Because one day I'll read these entries when I'm old and less mobile and enjoy the fact that I lived passionately. I have sex like...well I watch others having sex. It's not like me. They cum. They're vocal. It's beautiful. But I'm so driven. Driven to please. And driven to pull the best out of my partner. Driven to indulge every reasonable (and I say that loosely) fetish my partner has whether he knows it or not. And to have him blink in surprise now and then and gasp. Beg. Tell me if I keep doing this or that he is going to cum, so I can reply "ha! If I let you...". I can tell you know...I know that barely perceptible thickening buzz of cock before you fill and erupt. And all it takes is a firm stop with the ring my thumb and first finger make around you cock at the base to ease you back from the edge and bring you there again. But I love pushing a man beyond control. It is the pinnacle for me. Of course it's better if I get particularly well fucked first. And apparently I'm challenge enough that they rise to it. IDK how. IDK why. And IDK what the attraction is because other than having a decent brain and looking a bit younger than 52, I'm rather ordinary in my khakis and conservative gear and hair. Well except occasionally for the color. But I'm economizing there too. Bayalage can wait and managing those lovely grey highlights work for now. It's more focus on work. And getting my friend through his surgery this week. And being there for those who need me most. It should ease all this angst about attachment and wanting to be someone's girlfriend maybe...I don't even know where that comes from. Old tapes of serial monogamy playing. But I'm a retro chick... Pen

7/23/2017 8:47:00 PM
I feel good. A rapproachment between D & I. I told him frankly I'm uncomfortable wanting a man so much. Having works far better than the wanting. As quite frankly, the past decade has been an exercise in endurance and I've used up all of my patience. And yes, I'm referring to physical want. Though I imagine the man has confused more than a few women emotionally with the way he connects. I, of course, even with the potential for attachment, have no agenda. I won't marry which is manna for men who are younger. And certainly my biological clock only motivates me to have more sex since I don't know if I will have the same desire and capabilities once menopause occurs. I don't want to play stupid games. He wants me or he doesn't. Quite frankly my schedule should be enough to build tension betwixt and between. Super sub would laugh at my first world problems. I don't really have problems per se. I just think a great deal. Ponder without intent. But it's how I roll. Another payment today per NJ's beautiful probation system and I'm catching up with medical expenses long overdue. I am not a shirker. It feels damn good to take care of business, build my balances back, and still manage to live well enough. I want little. Sex for sure. A few dates. But I am able to purchase new backpacks and the summer reading books without blinking. No one can imagine how complicated it was in the past. And as work increases, we will manage to build some security, the children and I. It's good. The thing is...when I have time...I am driven to fill it with connection. It could be friends. It could be a lover. Or maybe even a party. A road trip is even better, but I'd rather build my balance at present. I'm all too aware of the increase in my obligations. And I schedule myself fun time...July was okay to still have fun time. August a bit, but more about buckling down. And the fall will be a change and work, work, work. I can't see any further than that right now. So I grasp at joy when I can. And that time is now. One of our fellow cs'ers reached out to me in response to my post of non attachment. He told me he tried to follow such eastern philosophies, but it was always such effort. He realized eventually we are not thinking creatures who feel. But we are emotional creatures who THINK. Lightbulb moment. It's true. And I've been determinedly trying to analyze myself into a box of hormonal response and managing attachment. He wrote "emotions drive the connections we form, not philosophies." And he's right. Perhaps I should give myself permission to just feel what I feel. I manage it sexually. But I fear emotion as many of us do. However, I'm thinking of sighing a great big "fuck it" and just letting go. Seeing what comes. And continuing to do what I do to be fully present in the moment. We'll see if I'm up to it. Pen

7/23/2017 9:51:08 AM
Great sex. Effortless conversation. A sense of connection. Chemistry. The surprise at how easy it is, like you've known each other forever. All combine to create as sense of intimacy and euphoria. BUT...it's not. I know the lesson. Don't confuse intensity with intimacy. Yet I do it myself all the time. Super sub reminded me that the issues currently banging around inside me skull are good problems to have. First world problems he calls them. And the man is right. He usually is. He tells me I could have the problem of no one wanting to date me. Whereas there are quite a few, all appealing in completely different ways, and I get to dictate the terms of the relationships (according to ss). I'm not sure I get to dictate much except to say "no." Intensity is addicting. As much as I should have an addictive personality type with my dysfunctional youth, I don't. It always surprises me. On occasion I think I could be addicted to sex, but usually those forays are non starters as I have this inconvenient moral compass. And quite frankly not just anyone will do. I want to adore on some level whoever I let into my body. It's likely that pushing my increasing distaste for the parties. For the hosts it is a business of sorts. The mix of sex and money at charging couples and single men for entry strikes me as tawdry. And even as sexual as I am, I'm never tawdry. I go as I am never charged an entry free. If I were, I'd pass. But I wonder sometimes. Making sex a transactional interaction Icks me out. Heaven knows that's what it ends up being in many marriages I know. But not for me. Sex should be simple. Joy. Pleasure. Mutual giving. Embracing. It's what we are designed to do. No guilt. No shame. No bullshit. But you know, when you add the kissing it gets to me. The oxytocin fueled attachment starts to make me want to Velcro to a guy. And hell, I'll admit it. I fucking crave on some level that old fashioned going steady boyfriend. But I fight it because I've been so damn wrong about people I've fallen in love with before. So I'll sabotage the attraction, not always consciously. because I don't want anything to hurt anymore. I really really am uncomfortable with wanting anything. And especially anyone. I hope I find ease with a grown ass man I can just let that go with. But that takes that trust and certainty. When you look at the man across the table from you and just know each of you has both feet in. No halfways. All fucking damn in. That's way outside my comfort zone. But I want it. And hell, I've learned to live most of my life outside that comfort zone. Pen

7/22/2017 1:19:00 PM
I am beginning to realize why musicians get so much action. They've never appealed to me before TBH but his musicality is more talk than anything I've experienced. I get a desire in my head though and tend be dogged in my pursuit. When I hear from a man who is a musician, I feel a little extra spark as a man with that sensibility is completely foreign to me. As is long hair. And stage presence. The closest I've come is a brilliant lecturer. IDK if I've mentioned Rockstar before. He has a day job in my industry, but many of his clients ask "dude, what are you doing HERE?" He gives off that musician vibe. Chill most of the time, admittedly a bit of a stoner. I tease him that the highlights in his hair are nicer than mine. He's not a big guy, but well muscled with a few tats and he's got some skill in setting a scene for seduction. Lighting he excels with; a man who lights candles all over his apartment for me makes me grin. Guitars on the walls and a few of his album covers (yes, he actually made a living from his music for a good long time). But he's 50 now and the road gets exhausting and a retirement plan and 40 hour a week job leaves him time to write. Singer songwriter vibe. I told him I'd come over but he had to play so I could be his groupie. Ever been the sole audience for a music man? His keyboard skills are cool, but that fancy acoustic guitar of his and that voice 3 feet from me? OMG. HOT. And I get how musicians get to women. Especially listening to his original stuff, from beautiful to powerful to good energy songs, and his voice is damn good. He seemed a little shallow at first, but chill and fun. But when he talks about where the music comes from and you hear the story of the songs, it pulls your heart. I don't date guys like this but I am now. The sex...it's incredible. He has a foot fetish. Never turned me on before. I would never even respond to a guy with the same prior, feeling objectified. But I figured how would I know if I don't try? It is hot. The sheer worshipful attention. The foot rub, the kissing, even the coconut oil on my arches and feeling his cock harden quite desperately as he fucks that space. It's utterly sensual. And a surprising turn on. Creative. His creativity extends to the bedroom and he's chill about having a squirter in his bed. With many men the laundry issue makes having a squirter over more of a PITA than hot. He always has wine waiting for me though I don't think he's ever opened a wine bottle in his life. He finally bought a corkscrew though I still have to open the wine. I find it rather endearing. He's an all around nice guy. Accepting of everyone. We discussed my recent meet with a tranny and he began discussing how very many gender fluid friends he has. He's completely straight so I was surprised at the depth of his knowledge and our common ground at the need to support others. He has an interesting role as a team member in corporate culture while continuing to work on the next album. I am surprised at how good he is. And how completely unselfconscious when performing. That rather awes me. He's given me a few of the band's cds since I clearly enjoy it. And he's thinking of continuing to sing and play for me to bounce his ideas off me and see what I think. All new to me. I laugh and tell him I would have never met him when I was younger. Musicians were persona non grata to me. But that I need to live out my groupie fantasy now before it's too late. He is fully encouraging. It is wonderful, deeply rewarding, and soul stirring to have a man play for just you. I'd asked TBH to play for me as he has some skill too I'm told. But everything seems just too complicated. Funny how it manages to happen anyway when I let go of expectation and effort. Not the way I originally wanted for sure, but I simply asked and boom, I got it. Rockstar paid me a compliment that is making me grin. He said out of the blue "You know you exude sex?" I was like where did that come from? He waits for me outside his carriage house apartment to pull up and said "I feel it the minute you pull up." Funny girl me "In a minivan!!??" He grinned. "You have this grin on your face and the minute you get out and amble over to me, I just feel it. You exude sex." Who isn't gonna love that? Now for him, I am less careful how I dress. I'll go more casual, shorter, flip flops, but more sultry eye makeup and I'll rock the red hair. Because its kind of like going to my own private concert. He's a great find. Just for fun, but oh...what a fortunate girl I am. I'm checking thing off a bucket list I didn't even know I had... A keyboard for the new house might be a christmas gift for all of us this year. I had no idea they were so cool. It's great to experience and learn new things. Last night was like a movie. Being single does NOT suck. And I got paid again. Miracles. Cub is likely pissed since I said no last night to him. And yes, after saying he was going to hunker down and work all weekend...he did change his mind still again and ask me to go out with him last night. He laughed off my simple "I can't. Raincheck?" But I know he's pissed. I'm just not sure what to do about it. Or if I should do anything but let it go too. I'm pretty sure I want a relationship though y'all reading are probably thinking WTF why?? I'm deeper than all this. Though I am perfectly capable and grateful for the opportunity to experience such fun. It's just that. A little fun to take my mind of all I must do. It does expand and enhance my life, but that supportive integration is going to take a bit more. And that it ultimately what I seek. A very self indulgent, Pen

7/21/2017 8:26:28 AM
There is a Buddhist doctrine of non attachment. Now I've a great many friends with Buddhist sensibilities who parrot the Dalai Lama at me often. Now he is of course, utterly fabulous. But repeating mantras taken in entirety from others drives me mad as we should find our own. I spent years studying Chanoyu, the Japanese tea ceremony, formally. Ultimately the zen of the experience escaped me and and prescribed ritual pissed me off. I prefer to take and learn and make it my own. And I've done a few demos myself with friends who are interested and charmed. IKD if my tea ceremony box, long packed away, will make it to the cottage but I'm thinking when my life is less about survival and more about sharing and living there might just be a time for such again. Non attachment. The word has always struck me as the antithesis to everything I'm about. The idea is essentially to try not to hold on so tight hoping for that ever after. To relationships. To material goods. To stages of life. Change happens. Moments arise. Shift is inevitable. The idea is to not let fear affect your ability to embrace the moment fully and for heavens sake, to not depend on it. Yeah I know, the moment you read "Buddhist doctrine" you skipped over the other paragraphs looking for some juicier bits...I'd do the same. But I write this for me, and I read it to remind me where I've been, where I am, and how I get through. Loyalty and openness are characteristics I value and try to emulate. I don't want to play games, though I do sometimes. I find a guy who charms and fascinates me. Well I end up wanting some surety that our relationship will progress. And I really have a hard time when folks just disappear from my life. That's my personal baggage, though oft times I'm the one who walks away. Abandonment issues...sure have my share of them. I'm no stranger to fear and it makes me shut down now and then. It creates a nearly palpable pressure that fucks things up. Holding onto anything so tight inevitably suffocates it. I do need others to feed my soul. I wish I didn't. But I value people more than anything in my life. And relationships. I do take good care of myself and my needs. And boy, do I ever understand personal evolution. My life has been nothing but big change lately. Perhaps always. Loss though...loss pisses me off. And I do all I can to prevent or cut it off at the pass so I walk before it happens. In reality, you never know how long people stay around in your life. And rather than bemoaning their lack of commitment or loyalty, I really do try to enjoy them while I can. A few weeks of romance with the cub, a few years of conversation and a few weekends of pleasure with TBH, the time I have left before my chicks fly the nest...you get what you get. And there's no controlling it. Control is the last thing I want to do as a woman. It makes us harpies and unhappy and doesn't do much for the loved one we are trying to control. I haven't yet figured out a way to balance my philosophy of reciprocal relationships with non attachment. And quite frankly the whole notion of non attachment doesn't seem like me. I'm all about relationships. But I pick and choose what works and patch it together just like my heart. Pen

7/21/2017 6:06:47 AM
I blink dazzled by my impression that the whole world is new to me since the divorce was finalized. It's not. But it's taken me back to an earlier incarnation of me, the young woman who rarely had trouble attracting interest and there were endless men to meet. But then I took most of how I felt about myself from what others reflected back at me. And I was a good girl. I dated my ex for a decade before succumbing to marriage, the breakups were usually initiated by me, often after meeting another man I just had to have. I was sexual for sure. But I wanted to possess a guy, to have him completely lose his head over me. But then don't we all? I'm sure I was looking for love, but I also think it was about control. Now I can meet and date pretty easily. Certainly if I want to get laid, I can. But then ladies, I'll tell you a secret...any of you who wants to get laid can easily. Men have it much harder than us there. We always get to choose as we are the ones who open our bodies to cock and tongue. And that rule is understood. And men...well they really do need to fuck. But then some of them do, feel fabulous, fuck like there's no tomorrow, end up exhausted and go from "omg baby" to "not on a work night." I'm not an easy woman to fuck. I demand a lot. I fortunately get a lot. But I also give and give. I admit part of the reason I seek company so determinedly these days is that hard work looms and I prefer to grasp at pleasure to waylay it and because I feel on many levels I deserve it. And yes, my heart sinks at weekends that are not organized around a kickass date that I know is going to end with his cock balls deep inside of me. Sure sex is a self medication, just like the gym can be. Neurotransmitters release, we feel vital and alive, and connected. There's a simplicity in doing what we were built to do, a certainty and such pleasure... I realize my efforts to manage attachment are more than leftovers from living as a separated woman for so long. Limiting relationships were all I could manage I thought. But I now realize that management of attachment and expectation was a strategy borne from years of relationships that ended up in places I didn't want them to go. I've told myself to just relax and sink in with the cub, D. And I did a bit but I'd forgotten a classic dynamic. When a woman is just real, enthusiastic, and skips the artifice of the game a man is awed initially at her confidence. He feels wanted more than he's ever felt before. It's a huge ego boost. Hell, I've been on both ends. When realization of the energy he's putting into a chick hits and novelty wears off, he just craves alone time to watch tv and vege and relax. When work exhaustion contributes, it feels more like need to what D refers to as "hunkering down" for the weekend. I gave the cub too much time. Far too many compliments. Honestly when a man asks if I like his big thick cock and then if it really IS big and thick...what's a woman going to say? It's beautiful. But it's not Bigfoot's cock. Don't ask a woman who's been to swinger parties to quantify your cock. The average cock size is 5 3/4" long. So yes, a six and a halfer is bigger than average. But I've seen and felt cocks that make me utter the most profane encouragement to "make me take it all." For such a dominant woman at heart, I can completely submit to a great big cock. That said, some of the best sex I've had has been with men on the smaller side. It's is all about how you use it. Is it easier to wield a big sword? Well I'm told most women can't take it. But I can. There is no one size fits all perfect answer. Cub has backed off with work excuses. I've done the same. And it's true, he has a ton of work to do. As it's been true for me when I've said the same. BUT...we all know when you want someone you make the time despite how busy you are, despite the household tasks at hand, despite other commitments. But thank heavens he did decide to hunker in. I was growing attached. I recognized it as a limitted time engagement. But it isn't often that someone puts forth the same level of effort I do and he did. He romanced me. And I needed it. I needed to be adored. I needed to be the most important thing to him for just a bit. And so I was. But we all know the brightest fires burn out fast. He's going to change his mind and ask to get together this weekend. I hate wishy washy ness. And heaven knows I've done it myself, not liking myself too much in the process. But now, fuck it, it's game on. Instead of spontaneous texts, I'll stop initiating texts. If he takes 4 hours to respond, I'll take 6. I know men, you're thinking we're all just stupid beyotches...but this is how it works. You want what you don't have. I'm better at wanting what I have more than most, but I too fall victim to finding the appeal in the less obtainable. He'll ask to get together next last minute instead of the days ahead he's did earlier because he was that eager to secure my time. And I, of course, will be busy. It's partially my fault. I made him feel like the greatest gift a woman could ever have. Stellar virility. A heavy cummer all over my breasts; quantity is new to me and very hot. Great cock. Charming guy. Classy. He is hirsute in an era when it is not fashionable to be hairy. Now generally that's a turn off for me but I liked the guy enough for it to be part of his uniqueness and embraced it. He did trim the goods, as guys, y'all need to do. I enjoy oral but like many women bj quotient is directly related to how well groomed you are down south. I freed up time for him and created time out of the blue. I could've played a game, but it was my time to sink into intimacy and try it. It felt so good. I broke all the rules. But then everything about him broke my usual rules. There was a quiet voice of realism whispering away in my head. But the game has changed now and he won't ever get quite as much of me again. I'm rather skilled at risk management. And I won't invest anything as precious as time if the potential for reward is less than optimistic. There's my analytical mind watching out for me again. Balance...it's all about balance...Hugs y'all. I'll be writing like a banshee today as my head is full. Pen

7/20/2017 5:59:12 AM
One assumes certain characteristics of younger men. More vigor certainly. I suppose more sexual potency. I usually forgive a level of cluelessness. But of course D, while younger, is not necessarily what I would call a young man though he's certainly younger than I. He's a bit of a chameleon with his thick gorgeous grey hair. Add glasses and a bit of scruff and looks 50ish. Earlier pics with him 10 lbs thinner, his high cheekbones, blue eyes with those dark brows, and intensity have him looking eons younger. He eats crap and it's going to start to show though I don't mind a man with a little softness to him. A little I said. Not only softness. I prefer a belly with a little give to rock hard abs. And smaller bi and triceps though hard. I like hard. Men are delicious that way. I'm wearing him out. Well he is wearing himself out. We laugh at silly words we come up with. I tell him his cock is harder and stays harder than others in my experience. It's not that other cocks aren't hard but there are sort of degrees of hardness. I likened it to semi precious stones and out popped "you know, you're incredibly hard...like a diamond." I might have just blown out his ego for life and certainly tickled him pink with his newly christened "diamond cock." We laugh a great deal and I encourage irreverent communication. He likens sex with me to the Super Bowl. Admittedly I can take a lot. More than anyone has before in his experience, but that's my ridiculous libido and the benefit of rarely having lubrication issues. If anything there's too much. He's exhausted. It catches up with me too in the early evening and I find myself nodding off after a night before spent with him. But the morning after I am usually energized and fun and silly and ready to roar. There is nothing that makes me higher than fucking a guy there's some connection with. The oxytocin and serotonin hit make me silly, smiling, and appreciative. It's more than young women do he tells me. Men apparently are not used to being appreciated in the sack, but made to feel more like a woman has done them a favor. That's a shame but I hear that attitude too from most of my married women friends. One friend was sent a photo of rose petals and candles via text when we were out to dinner. I watched her sigh and say "fuck, now I'm going to have to have sex tonight." Where's the desire? Where's the joy! Where's the wanting? I simply want to be wanted, ultimately more than any other woman to a man, and to feel the same for him. Pen

7/19/2017 9:53:04 AM
D really is a delightful date. A new seafood place on the water that nearly had me catch my breath since it was just a block from BC's place. Of course the only parking was on BC's street but fortunately D didn't pick the space just in front of the house. At some point these folks in the lifestyle I know will intersect. It's part of the reason I stay away from the nudist beach where so many congregate from the various groups I frequent. Plus quite frankly I prefer to bare all in private over public and avoid burning my delicate bits. As I spend more time with him what is becoming apparent are the limits to his sophistication and interest in the greater world. I enjoyed TBH's political passion, though I've been apolitical at best until recently. D still appreciates things and the acquisition of them in ways I no longer do. Boys and cars...he is friendly and is bent on showing me his world and the people who inhabit it. It's even more insular than my town and he knows everyone in the few years he has lived there. I admire folks who have the talent to build relationships. Though there's an element to him, necessary in his business, of always looking for the next deal. It makes me take note of how he files away and uses contacts. I know it's the world of networking anymore, but I was taught to decidedly not push myself on others. But he and his circle are intent on introducing me to insiders in my industry. I'm grateful, but IDK...I'd prefer to find my own way and not be as known. Old habits die hard. It really was a perfect date. The water, great food and a dark n stormy, watching the parties on the docked boats, and tucking in for a great conversation on a bench on th water. He was again perpetually hard and I occasionally brushed the back of my hand over the front of his shorts to hear him moan just a bit. He took me to see a bar walkable from his house, grandfathered in since prohibition days. He's romantic. Handholding is just a matter of course as we ambled back to his bungalow. Kissing is something that I gave up on some time ago. CW wasn't so great at it. BC tried but it never really flowed. It was TBH who really taught me to kiss again and to appreciate it so much that I almost crave it more than cock. I do miss that man's mouth and brain. His cock was pretty spectacular too, but that was less important to me about him. I liked the guy. But I think it's time I let any ideas of that furthering go. He's there I'm here. The last time we were skin to skin was months ago. Though we did meet when my family and I were in town. I just can't see him ever wanting anything to go out of his way to pursue it. He's settled and set. I know he regrets some choices he made...not having children, not staying in California, never marrying. Ours is a friendship I wanted and pursued. But I grew attached to him and I don't think he did with me. Though it's odd. I don't understand him. Mixed signals galore there. He was unfailingly kind but I think he would be a man I'd always want more than he ever would want me. Mixed messages. He asked to get together. I replied okay, how 'bout next weekend? No damn reply other than friendly conversation. I'm direct. It's easy. I don't like folks who play games. That's why it's so simple at parties and with D. I have been particularly well fucked these past few weeks. And D has taught me what I'm really looking for. This is going to sound snooty, but I think I need a guy with a big job. Rather like the nature of mine. Otherwise they have too much time. And they tend to complain about things that just sound like nitpicking. They get annoyed at small potatoes. And I begin to view such as a lack of maturity. For all my recent try at cougaring, it's still older men with a little wear on their tires, equally patched up hearts, and character that make me weak kneed. It's good to know what I want. So I'll appreciate the lesson here. Pen

7/18/2017 8:38:32 AM
I'm still thinking about that red dress. Y'all know the one. I'd wear it at that proverbial party to celebrate the finalization of my divorce. I found it. And on occasion I visit the fancier mall at the county seat to take a look at it again. But I don't want to spend money. Funny thing is...there's another red dress from years ago in the closet I store off-season clothing, luggage, the aerobeds, and a very few fancy dresses that made me feel powerful and utterly feminine. I fell in love with it, expecting an invitation to a party that never came. The danger of having expectations...it still has it's tags on it and periodically I try it on. But it's more pretty than sexy. It may go the way of other expectations in my life and get edited away for someone who could use it better and shine in it. IDK...I think my red dress is invisible. Something I wear every day. An attitude of celebration and hopefulness. Wow, I said "hopefulness." Now that's new. "Powerful" I don't need to feel so much anymore as I'm not battling out any power dynamic real or sexual. "Free" that's what I want, seek, and am. Pen

7/18/2017 6:18:04 AM
Ensconced in a Starbucks a distance from home...as I often am. Though I prefer local tea & coffee houses more. Should you see a redhead of a certain age tucked away in a corner of such tapping away on her keyboard, let your mind wonder... it could be me... People bring energy to me and increase my productivity. Solo I can be a slug. I forget to eat, mess up my sleep/wake cycle, and struggle to motivate myself. The secret of course is to find a table far enough away from the front so I can people watch (I still don't get the sheer volume of people willing to stand around waiting for coffee they spent 5 bucks for). The business men in their suits I try to picture in jeans (far more attractive). The women with toddlers on their hips talking baby talk I have less patience for; though of course I was that woman and the young are delicious in their purity of spirit and the extra plumpness to their faces you just want to kiss. Though I am fortunate that my children are rarely beasts these days. I adore watching them turn into such unique individuals I LIKE. There's always a segment of customers in scrubs loading up trays upon trays of coffee. And women of various shapes, sizes and ages who interest me most. I wonder sometimes what someone sees when they look at me. Older women, especially those out with sons or daughters, are the best. Friendly, we invariably strike up conversations either about my studies or the keyboard I use with my ipad they're curious about. To me they all offer me a glimpse of what it would be like should my Gran still be around though Starbucks would be far too fancy for her preferences. Entenmen's cheese danish and granulated instant decaf coffee made with one very small level plasic teaspoon in a small mug filled to the the very top. Mind you, the water had to be taken off the burner the minute it boiled in the saucepan she preferred over a kettle and should there be water left in the pan you'd be "wasteful" so precise was she. But many of us get set in our ways. And she was such a well loved matriarch that we towed her line. I wonder in what ways I will solidify as I age and whether I will still be able to embrace this spirit of expansion. I hope so. I watched my Gran reach a plateau. She was ready to die for a long time. She outlived friends, family, and contemporaries. And there was little for her to look forward to. She saw her life as lived. Her pup gave her purpose. But as you age and grow tired and your physical life grows limited, I can see why she was ready. My children told me I have only lived half my life. At 52, that puts me at 104 life expectancy according to them. I told them at 100 we'll have a feast with 100 different dishes before my youngest said I probably can make it to 96...Ha! I spoke with a cohort who left us. Her husband is military so she has to move every several years. I love her. I expect little from her. But when we talk, it's deeply intimate. We are both women who are most comfortable going it alone when things get very hard. My strict Gran who I lived with off and on most of my childhood, taught me a few gems. "Never ask for anything from anyone." "If you don't have anything good to say, say nothing at all." The latter can be useful with adolescents. The former can create levels of dysfunction while promoting utter self possession at least outwardly. My friend and I have the same difficulty asking for help. She is the most fearless woman I have ever known. She spent her childhood taking care of a mentally ill mother, fearing the same fate was in store for her. We never know what cards we will be dealt there. And I've other friends who have had debilitating illnesses. There were times married to my ex when I thought I might be crazy. Watching his subsequent girlfriends start to lose it and investigating the damage passive aggression can do...well...there was a vindication when our marriage blew up. Til then everyone saw me as the needy problem to why he didn't have time or focus. Family and friends saw me broken for a time at his betrayal but they found moments to offer me an apology here and there. They told me omg, it was him...and they never knew. I am granted a level of respect now and boundaries no one will try to cross. I suppose this all comes up since these two, Gran and my ex, had a great deal of impact on my attachment style. And quite frankly, going ahead, I don't want to do it in a fucked up way. But the old rules seem archaic. Yet I'm still a conservative good girl at heart. Nice. Who really really likes to fuck. But I adore making love too. And I'd like to be with a guy who can kiss me the whole time he's fucking me and be bonded enough to spend the rest of the day filled with his cum. I'd like the same guy to be able to push me over the arm of his sofa, tear my pants down and fuck me like an animal. Or to bind me to his bed and tease me with mouth and hands and cock until I am begging him to fuck me. I'm still a good girl. I'm just one who embraces natural processes in unusual ways. But I'm not the only one out there like that. I find more and more commonalities with my social connections in the swingers community though I still find it hard to call myself a swinger. When I grow attached I crave one cock. I've always been a monogamist. IDK if that has changed or not but I don't think you can go deep and be connected the way I want to without some level of commitment. But to me commitment isn't about saying some words. It's about letting someone in. But even more so being so appreciative they are part of your life and thinking they're that fabulous that you can't help but seek them out every opportunity you get. Pen

7/15/2017 6:53:52 PM
I re-read and occasionally edit my posts and the frequent typos. It strikes me lately that my attachment style may be a bit fucked up. I want it. I seek it. But I'm so uncomfortable wanting someone. Particularly since I often perceive my desire for a man I want greater than his for me. So I use coping techniques. Some downright fun. And some perhaps damaging to developing an attachment. I've hurt the men in my past two relationships and ended up not liking myself so much as a result. I still did the grown up thing and didn't seek rapproachment even still wanting them since I knew it was not going to work out. So I'll give myself credit for that. But connecting with others in more modern, less defined relationships and managing expectation and attachment...well, I wonder if I'm selling myself and my partner short. But I'm a woman done with marriage for a long time. I have never lived with a man I have not been married to and don't particularly wish to. But I do desire a level of mutual support and intimacy that will not develop unless I let myself want and sink into attachment. I dismiss my emotions as chemical reactions to sex. Of course this is why the pundits suggest we wait to have sex. Get to know each other first to avoid levels of false attachment. I am too sexual likely to not want to fuck a partner early in the game. It's important that chemistry exists for me to develop affection. And dating...well...there's a level of respect there rather than the transactional nature of getting off in just a hook up. Just thoughts and a curiousity of myself and whether perhaps I'm a little more fucked up than I thought... Pen

7/15/2017 9:53:22 AM
Yesterday...it was as if I were living in a movie. Or one of the books I used to read for escape. But there's nothing I need escape from anymore as life, well...it's pretty damn good. There's a requirement for thought and planning and some economies, but ohhhhh...the world is a great big wide one again. So D (the youngish man I've been dating) continues to surprise. I need to create some space there as we have spent far too much time together this week and I know to beware of the oxytocin fueled attachment feelings great sex brings. It was a mistake I made with BC...so much seemingly in common, meant-to-be feelings, the first month. By month three I could see the differences in how we related to people and how we saw the world. I could learn from him and appreciate him, but his paternalism grated. I've never had a proper daddy and sure don't want one now. What I want: Equals. FUN with all caps. Exploration. Expansion. Caring. Sex where both partners give and reciprocate. And that hug, cyber or otherwise, when a day just sucks. Mutual support. Calling on each other's strengths and knowledge to help each other. Friendship. Integration where you are part of each other's lives and know the folks important to each. Being a sounding board. D...the texts, wide open and friendly. The offer to use his cottage whenever I need a place to work/study. His curiousity and occasional wide eyes at my answers. I left a conference where I was treated royally early, after having time to spend with my cohorts. It was the first time we had social time since my endless divorce was finalized. Their cheers and congrats and sheer happiness at my freedom did me good. For so long they've supported me through hardships that seemed would never end. It's remarkable they stuck it out with me as some of my older friends grew tired of my tribulations and and did not. But sometimes hot water is the true test of a friendship and those are the folks I want in my life. D invited me to use the bungalow as he was still on a job. But that level of comfort seems unwarranted so early, as kind as his offer was. I think finding me ensconced in his house might be a bit more than he wants despite the newness of me right now. Still...it's charming. We met up with local friends of his, many older than he & I. It is interesting his circles are are about people he likes and neighborly connections rather than those you find yourself in a similar place in life with. I've learned from him there. A private reception at a local hot spot on the fly, hors d'oevres, then a walk to casual dinner and drinks as the place filled with locals. I've lived in a far less hoighty toighty town for years and never felt quite as welcome. IDK if it's the buttoned up tight life I've led and my hesitation to let anyone into how fucked up getting though the past years has been or the exclusionary bent of our locals to those that don't fit the mold. But it felt GOOD. So good to just BE and go with wherever the wind took us. D seemed to need to reassure me that it'll be fun if I was open to go here or there. But age does bring enough self possession to feel comfortable in my own skin wherever I end up. I enjoy that he loves women. I can see him glance and wonder what other women might be like in bed, particularly those long married, polished to a glacial shine who are attracted more to wallets than charm. The women are beautiful. The men perhaps more so. Fit, groomed, expensive...it's not my neck of the woods but it is lovely to watch those who are truly good friends look after each other. One of D's friends is woman of a certain age, very fit, lovely likely enhanced breasts, veneered smile, rough accent...you get to know her and find she's been through the trenches despite her outer appearance. The life of the party, her husband divorced her and left her with more children than I to support out of the blue a few years ago. In divorce friends chose sides. And usually it's with the person who can help them most or has the most perceived power. Her friends clearly chose her, while she downsized her home, and found a job in town so she could manage medical insurance for herself and stayed. The husbands got together with her hubby then met their wives with her in the bar. Loyalty is rare these days. I appreciate it when I see it. D..he makes me purrr....the blessing of youth is an impossibly hard cock that recovers over and over and can come 3X in in a few hours. But his charm is unexpected. And the fact that I charm him for my self possession, calm temperament, lack of desire to own him, and ability to take him incessantly...well that apparently is the appeal we modern classics have for the newer models. I told my cohorts of my cougaring exploits. Aside from "he's not even 40?!?", requests for his pic "ah, okay, he looks older with his glasses...", and my assent to "younger men have great energy"...they encouraged me to enjoy him for the short time I am cognizant it is likely to last. And that is precisely what I am doing. Pen

7/13/2017 3:18:31 PM
I love men. Ultimately I think it's just that simple. Sure I adore cocks. Yes, a fine ass has me doing a double take. Slathering cream on my chin and nose for days after kissing a man with just the perfect amount of scruff is worth it. The sheer tenderness of a freshly shaved face makes my mouth water. Bulky shoulders make me want to reach out and touch. Balls...I love balls...did I mention my ex only had one? A pair of twin balls...some perfectly symmetrical and some not feed my curiousity. I'm tender. And shaved balls...well I know how tricky it is to shave private parts...I'm incredilbly appreciative. At a party a few weeks back the delicious R with the 8" girth supported my head while I was fucked by another after making him cum 3 times....(it's an ego boost, a man who keeps getting hard for you). I inched my head under his thighs until I was sucking his balls carefully. He begged, pleaded, and eventually groaned his pleasure and he spurted all over my breasts from just my lips and tongue on balls...one of the most highly charged erotic moments I've ever had. I like men who don't expect me to read their minds and can just say or do what they want. I like simple desire. I like telling it like it is. I enjoy others who find sex as natural and shame free as I do. And deep voices with a little gravel to them...I could cum from just listening to y'all talk, The storm has arrived. I've fucked beyond fabulously this week. And I still crave more. Rain and thunder make me want to strip a man of his clothes, push him onto my bed, and torture his cock with my lips and mouth til he's desperate to be inside of me. That's what it's all about with me, you know, penetration. And D, mature sweet young thing, can fuck like a stallion. It's nothing I've ever seen before and I've seen much. He wants to be my bull, my lover, my friend...and truly I'm flattered. Pen

7/13/2017 5:49:44 AM
I've had an unexpected whirlwind fun time with D (my new date 14 yrs my junior). It's prompted me to rethink my views on May December romance which have been decidedly conventional. Of course the older male/younger female connection has existed as long as we've been on the planet. As common as it is, I've always looked at relationships between people I've perceived as lacking equality to be ridiculous and somehow not capable of being completely "real." I dated older men in my late college years, finding their sophistication, desire to please, and manners far more appealing than frat boys. But now of course, as I get older, that dating pool enters the start of old age, retirement, and some are very set in their ways as to become boomer stereotypes. Not all. But many. And a paternalism, a desire to pontificate and give me unsought advice, can develop which usually serves to just piss me off. The experience of a woman of a certain age who has lived my life (of worker bee, entrepreneur, primary solo caregiver of children, special needs advocate, divorcee, and late career change chickadee) versus that of a man in his retirement years is very different. I enjoy stories and sharing. But I want to be seen as a desirable woman over a good stable choice for a man who is alone. We all want to be desired above all else for a time, don't we? It makes that tiny voice inside that's always told us we are "special" reverberate with confidence and we glow... I realize I am growing more interesting as I age. I think we all do. Hence the appeal of a vintage model with life experience and character. You can walk into a room like you own it, even if you are shaking in your boots. You can relate to nearly anyone and charm them. You are brave with compliments, take little personally, and project a confidence the young simply don't know themselves well enough to have. And then there's humor. Sophistication. Wit. Skill between the sheets. But I think the greatest of all is appreciation. We are fearless in expressing our appreciation of others. Well, I am. That alone seems to have made an impression on D. He finds me courageous and brave whereas I see it as just being real. I love his characterization of me as a modern classic. I think I just might be growing into one... So D...the sex is stellar. I had him over to my place. I simply don't need to exercise former levels of discretion I self-limited myself with. Still careful. But he checks out. I've spent time in his neighborhood, know some of his neighbors personally, and he has a very public business that is well thought of. I know he passes a background check with flying colors (yes, I run one on anyone who I invite into the home I share with my children). I was honest about preferring not to have a sleepover during the week when my children would arrive home the next morning early. I have never had an overnight guest in the decade plus I've been solo with the children in the house. That may change if something of significance develops monogamously. I've made it clear to the children I am dating. I won't be anything less than genuine and honest to those I care about. I feel like I'm writing a new personal manifesto. D has me thinking. I have no illusions of this continuing more than my usual...enamored for 3 months until we begin to know each other warts and all. That's about the stage you see the differences over the commonalities of the honeymoon stage. And for me, there is either movement/progression or repetition. Repetition becomes the death knell for me. As does the expectation that I will give one person all my leisure time. I begin to get time crunched as my commitments expand in the fall as well. Sometimes I use it as an excuse; other times I know getting together with a guy I truly adore helps me be more chill in managing my day-to-day. Though the thought of basics...meeting for breakfast & a bike ride, cozying together in front of the tv necking your way through a show, helping each other in the garden or to clean a firearm or any of the multitude of ordinaries that become fun when shared...well I seek that too. It's evolving. But I do know. I want to date. Dinner out. Conversation. Flirtation. Fucking. Tucking in. Breakfast. And then go on with our day texting naughty lovely thank you's. The intimacy of asking all sorts of questions from stage of live, to past relationships, to sex, to career path, to what you want...and answering them easily is something the young with less baggage do more freely than the rest of us well versed in the rules. But that freedom of intimacy is a turn on for me. I do get attached. I'm perfectly capable of falling in love. Staying in love, well...I'm hoping to learn. Currently "friends who fuck" is the simple undefined term that describes the incarnation of most of my relationships though there aren't too many of them. It helps me to date more than one person as a very few men I begin to crave more than my comfort level. Certainly my desire for TBH began to clamor at me. This is better. Balanced. When I'm more balanced I am fearless. Not afraid to text first. Not all girly and squirrely, wondering what this means and what he thinks. Not attached to any particular outcome. Just real. I appreciate what is and stop overthinking it. I do, however, think I may send confusing messages. My morality is essentially conservative. Do unto others. Never have I lived with a man I haven't been married to. Live real. Try not to lie. Do no harm. Pay my bills. Do what I say I'm going to do. Be a role model for my children. If I can help, help. The biggest change is that I am not a bystander any more. I have the confidence to insert myself into a situation if I am needed, the wisdom to know when I should stay out of it, and enough confidence to not take any negative reaction personally nor to push myself on another. Take it or leave it, I'm here. I want to be here. And I want to engage. The best is when it's a kismet moment. Two people play off each other and and the sum of the two together is greater than it's parts. That's when the magic happens. And I find this girl who stopped believing in fairy tales still believes in magic...in making her own. Pen

7/11/2017 6:59:02 AM
I know on one level I am a bit ridiculous enjoying a man 14 years my junior. I've been researching cougaring though I still find the term sticks in my throat. Admittedly I don't look at him and think "younger man." I see his unlined face, mostly grey wavy hair, grin, bit of scruff, and those blue blue eyes simply wanting to please me...and I say "YES." He's bringing his A game since I supposedly know more, am more self possessed, and want very little from him but him naked and pushing me as far as I can go. It's intoxicating. It's fun. He's so unabashedly affectionate. Usually I feel I want to touch a partner too much as I crave connection and tactile stimulation. But here is a mutuality that surprises us both. Of course he enjoys me as I have no agenda. I don't want to marry him. I don't want to trap him into babies. I don't need to own his time. And so he pursues me. I'll admit it. I'm a woman who craves attention. And he craves my abandon. It's not bad, folks. But we all know fires that burn this bright fizzle out quick. So I'll enjoy it while it is. Pen

7/10/2017 8:02:40 PM
This delicious young man makes me feel like the me I was when I was mostly solo, independent, and working my ass off...and young. I see now why we go a'cougaring. The efforts of a man to woo a mature woman can truly be stellar. And he's wooing. Maybe from an older man it would seem insincere. IDK. I doubt few older men could be this open. There's a generational gap for sure. He's tech savvy, educated, self supporting and working his ass off. He has pressure but he's not bored with what he does. I read an article today detailing how lost many men in the boomer generation seem lost sheep and the only way they can get a woman is to "dangle their Porsche keys." I laugh as my former cuck has chosen just such as his new car; I tried to be complimentary but all I could think was how ridiculous he is. I know, I know, men love cars. A classy vintage one is cool. But a retirement age man is far more virile in a pick up than in a silly little Porsche. And yes, women know the faster and flashier your car, the less your dick rises. Sorry boys, but that's what we think. Same article talks of men in their 30s who grew up with AIDS and are considerate. The ones interested in older women tend to be stable and mature. They don't want to be mothered as so many older men do. I was married all through my 30s and raising babies. So at 38 I hadn't learned much. It was just spending money, taking care of babies while trying to run my business, and feeling like I wasn't spending enough time with either. The confidence of now came hard won. And the self knowledge. I'm beginning to see why he finds what he calls "my confidence" about knowing what I want appealing. Older men, don't take my words to heart. It's just someone else's and my efforts and convincing myself that spending time with this man is okay. I would likely judge another woman who did the same as ridiculous and inappropriate. But perhaps this is a lesson for me. I adore older men. But not when they are paternal and tell me what to do. And certainly when I'm little more than that nurse with a purse they are all moslty looking for. I want a man who is so happy to be with me that he can't keep quiet about it. Who introduces me to friends and neighbors and wants to shout it from the mountaintops because he is so damn happy. Not one who is ashamed or concerned or "discrete." And that is that. Pen

7/10/2017 6:57:20 AM
Perhaps this is my new divorcee wild child time. Or perhaps it's the universe putting in front of me just what I need at this particular moment in time. I was concerned to spend my first solo divorced weekend alone. Why? IDK. It seemed a time I should be with friends or a lover. It's been so long coming that everyone had gotten tired of my endless undivorced state. And seemed a mere formality. But to me, it's momentous. I can't say I've "dated" younger men in the past. Certainly I have lovely friends who fit that deion. And I've fucked more than a few men who made me gulp when they told me their age. But it's been all in good fun and mutual escapism. But this time it was a date. A date that likely would end in fucking, but a date none the same. When sex is one's primary motive, dating usually doesn't happen. Generally men of a certain age are wonderful hosts. Wine, conversation, seduction. And the rare one has a beautiful youthful spirit of adventure combined with wit and sophistication. That is a delicious man. That is TBH. But as much as he fascinates me, I'm trying not to focus on him here. Not today. I didn't expect much of a late 30 something guy. I'm told most younger people don't even date anymore. Just hang out. Meet in groups. And the delightful "whatever." But he pursued me determinedly though I didn't respond to his initial texts at all, thinking due to his locale he could possibly be an employee of my ex. We'd had a great telephone conversation in the past so clearly we were likely to be easy together. We met at in a shore town I hadn't visited for years but always drove through wondering about this particular place. It was charming, and whimsical, and had my odd drink as a standard, something rarely found outside of sailing circles. And he was nervous, but genuine about it, solicitous, and real. And blessedly he didn't look as young as his chronical age. Men who look intelligent turn me on and when their words verify such, well darlin's my panties get damp. There's a joy to man whose eyes brighten rather than a blank "huh?" When a big word pops inadvertently out of my mouth. I'm not that smart. But I've read a lot and my vocab can sometimes be a bit much. Yes, I spent the night in his cottage across the water in the well-to-do town nearby. And OMG I had FUN. I understand why women go a'cougaring. Though I have always been decidedly anti. Sigh. It seems I now have a friend as young as the younger model my ex is living with. It's not easy to find a classy guy who gets the big pic. Friendship. Sex. Sharing a meal. Exploration. Communication. Expansion. Kindness. Openness. He has nothing to hide. No need for subterfuge. No need for "discretion." Met his charming pup. Walked her with him in the morning to the cafe around the corner for croissants and tea. Crazy wild sex combined with simple neighborly wholesomeness. It was refreshing. Now he could think I'm wealthy and going to turn him into my latest (ha, only! Boy toy) but the 10 yr old beat up minivan should have cleared that misapprehension up. There was so much flirting. And touching. Classy. We weren't mauling each other at the bar. But it was delightful. And the occasional brush by with that palpable incessantly hard cock. I know, I'm crowing. But it was delicious. I recognize the appeal is part of limerance when all you see in the fog of lust is commonality after commonality. I know his business. He can help me with my editing just when I need it. We both started our careers in the finance arena. We know antiques and fine firearms. I need to remember the differences. His youth. Cultural differences. Stage of life differences. His attraction to fancy cars (I'm sorry darlings but men with little sports cars tickle my funny bone). He invited me to lunch yesterday again. So yeah, I'm as suseptible to attention as anyone. When I arrived, he introduced me to his charming elderly neighbor and we continued our conversation about my work and her past career in the same industry on his lovely porch. IDK if he's marketing himself or if he's real. But it's so damn nice. And he is decidedly single and a good friend to many. We laughed hysterically in a conversation where I told him to think of me as "vintage" and he refused calling me a "modern classic." Ha! Charm. I am having FUN. I wish the same to you. Pen

7/8/2017 5:43:11 AM
An unexpectedly charming time with a man younger than I should probably date. True he's a bit retro like me and fortunately went grey early, but that baby face is a give away. A surprisingly class act. Great conversation. Stellar dark & stormies to his rather more sophisticated drink. Nice food waterside at a new place for me. Then a walk to a traditional shore institution rebuilt at long last since Sandy with a bar on the beach. He was interesting. Affectionate. Friendly. And quite obviously attracted to me, though the May December attraction always puzzles me when I'm the December. Heaven knows I prefer older men but I'm not going to limit myself in any way. I could see he was palpably hard all night. Is it wicked to admit I love that response? And it does my ego good. He was fascinated with my ass. It's behind me so I don't get to see what the appeal is. It's pale and white and serviceable to me. But men seem to dig it. I'm told it's firmer than most. And a woman at the party this week was charming in her admiration. Apparently she perceives the globes and two perfect bubbles of roundness. Thank heavens booty is in as I was always a bit embarrassed by its prominence. I remained very surprised at last night's connection. I think perhaps we may become friends. He told me to reach out to him when I returned from the vaca. But of course I didn't as I find it hard to approach men and am less likely with new. But apparently he had a continued interest though I'd given up meeting him weeks ago. It was lovely to tell someone who knew me as a separated woman that I divorced last week. What a sense of finality and freedom and just simplicity it is to be just me and not part of a long-past-its-expiration-date pair. I AM so happy it's done. Darlin's in case you haven't been with me all along, I was separated nearly a decade. That's a long time to live betwixt and between. I remain inexorably drawn to TBH, but he's a distance away and we are friends at present and hopefully remain so. Though I admit kissing him is just art. It's beautiful. But my days of hotels are thinning as is my budget. And IDK if we'll ever reach the simple "come up for the weekend" state. He seems a bit guarded there. I just hope I haven't repeated the same mistake I did with cuck who ended up married and I ended up appalled. I don't think he's married. But it is likely he lives with someone. Maybe. I can't figure it out. Really a stellar guy outwardly so IDK where I get it from. But until I've been let in I can't really let him in more than I already have. And he met my family. That has always been a big deal in the past. But now it was simple. There was ease. You understand, right, that I'm a 52 yr old size 14 chick with wobbly bits, stretch marks, that pouch of skin a Caesarean section gives you that never comes back...eyelids that droop a bit more each year....and rather on the chubby side? A nice ass, a damn good mind, a kind if patched up heart... I don't get why men who are such visual creatures want me. I'm not hideous, pretty enough face. But for some reason I get more attention than I should. I have sense of humor. But I'm in the middle of the age of invisibility. Men don't make passes at me in my daily life. But I get to talking. And something happens. Or maybe everyone is just looking to get laid and it's that simple. I know from the get go there are men who are willing to "overlook" my wobbly bits. But I can tell when he's doubtful he can remain attracted to me, even if he gets me personality wise. It happened to me once before when I was courted by a very witty man in the my first forays back into the dating game. He was completely attracted to my spirit and mind, and encouraged the connection only to find he couldn't quite deal with my "waist" size. I'd never had body issues until that one. I don't know that I have issues now. I can get naked in all my imperfection. I can feel a little more vulnerable than most the first time I do. I can see a glance linger too long at my stretch marked lower abdomen. I've learned to be proud of those tiger stripes. I was a trooper though 4 difficult pregnancies, most advanced age. And the end result makes the battle scars unimportant though I hated them for a long time. But I see my children have my same skin and some are already plagued with the marks with fast growth. I enjoy swinger parties so much because I can see bodies at various stages of development in all their imperfections and glory. It can bring a woman to a greater acceptance of the natural changes of ageing and changes in metabolism. Just thoughts. Pen

7/7/2017 3:53:46 PM
I've had a nervous heart today, the first weekend I will spend solo and completely single since the divorce. I LIKE having plans. And I did manage them. Primarily because without I can't see fit to relax and would have to work my a@@ off all weekend. Monday is soon enough. I need some time now with people who get me. For the first time I got paid funds due from the ex on time and in full, as I'm told will more often than not be the case when enforced by the state probation system. It's a shame it's necessary. But his fiscal mismanagement decimated any goodwill. I feel in some ways new. Like a chick newly hatched all fuzzy and slightly wobbly on my feet. Or a butterfly just out of her chrysallis, utterly vulnerable while her wings dry before she can fly. Slow as it goes with the money as much as I want to blow some of it on a big bed and fuck like mad in it...I'm still bed shopping for a bed with room to share. I've a semi-meeting, semi-date this evening which a guy I met professionally. Fun, food and alcohol is all I'm seeking. And a mutual sharing of knowledge. I don't know why it feels different when the ex and I were separated for so long to now feel like this divorced. I will say this...I don't feel sad any more. I feel truly free. And that I've long prepared for. I lived quietly. Didn't introduce many others into my life. Didn't talk about all that much that was going on. Certainly didn't tell the story. Primarily because it's sordid and stupid and I don't want it making it's way back to my children. Children should respect their father and I'm not going throw eggs at his glass house. But I admit it's odd. I want to tuck in and be comforted in one way. I want to prepare for what's next in others. But what I need most right this moment is to be around people, have conversation, get out of my own head space (though it's good space at present), and expand my life. Thanks for reading the words of a woman who is trying to make sense of a place she's never been before. Trying to live well and do something good. And trying to connect and open her world. Do help by sharing yourself. Pen

7/7/2017 9:13:18 AM
I need this weekend to be about what I WANT to do over what I HAVE to do. I just returned from a vaca and it might seem terribly indulgent. But it was a family vacation and there is tremendous work inherent there. And conflict to resolve. And far too much thinking and balancing focused on others. But now I am off duty and seek to just BE. Next week the real work starts and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Fucking too would be lovely. But more than that. I want to use all of me to pleasure and be used in return. Naughty girl. Pen

7/7/2017 6:04:57 AM
Well I wore a red dress (one in my closet rather than that blank spanking new one I want) and went to a party last night. I told a few folks who know me of my new found freedom. When you reveal you are divorced the first go to response is "Oh...I'm sorry." But when they realize how it's no longer an "I'm sorry" moment and instead a long awaited freedom from a connection that served to drag me down over enhance my life...well then congratulations are in order. A few offers to assist my celebration and a bit of naked time. Yes, it was that kind of party. R was there. A delicious man. We've an ongoing flirtation. But I always make sure to leave before he can get my contact information. Men who are that attractive make me nervous. My go to is to ignore them or just lay it all out there and ask them how they deal with all the attention they get. Generally the more traditionally attractive a man is, the less so I find him. I prefer a face with harder angles and men with prominent noses. Though add a dimple or two to such a masculine face when they smile, and it slays me. It's more about grooming and hygiene. At one time I adored men with hairy chests but now I prefer more manscaped than not. Not hairless mind you, but not quite to the point of fur either. Arms though particularly perceptible biceps, make my mouth water. Add hands that are capable and thoroughly masculine, my mind starts wondering what they'd feel like on my breasts. Yes, I'm a horny girl... Generally t girls are just beyond my range. Definitely sexually. But I had a lovely long conversation with a man who is transitioning. He/she...the correct address seems to be "she" when dressed as a female. So she wore a schoolgirl ish outfit with a substantial strap on just above her cock which remained small and unerect. Beautiful makeup. I need more skill myself with coutouring as I have cheekbones that could likely be better accented. But as much as I like my lotions and potions, I could still learn a great deal. T girls are the best for make up tips. But we discussed estrogen vs testosterone (and what an excess of testosterone R clearly had). And more details of her choice to transition. It's not unusual for me to meet sexually diverse folks and I'm so straight that it helps to know and talk with those whose frame of reference is clearly so different from my own so I can relate. An interesting night. But I found myself craving foreplay and kissing and spending time on a particular fine cock I know. But admittedly I have reservations. It seems unlikely that the guy I have in mind is not single. But I've fucked up there before and ended up in situations that were painful to get out of, so I know it's not impossible for me to misjudge. I haven't been invited to the man's home and IDK why I let it go on the way I have without. Sometime you want someone that much that all your rules and caution get tossed out. A man hosting asap is usually my litmus test and first thing I insist on before getting intimate. I've no desire to fuck another woman's guy. I may have to walk away from his charm & wit & irrepressible grin if we don't both let each other in that way. I've pushed beyond former comfort levels. It's just floating around in my brain tickling my cortex now and then. Pen

7/6/2017 8:45:47 AM
It's a beautiful home I have and I'll make a beautiful life in the new one in a few months. I forget when I'm here too long. Our vaca was beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary. But so too is our life here. And it's good to be back in my astonishingly comfortable bed. I keep thinking to replace it with a bigger one with room to spare. But it's lovely and vintage and bright and solid wood. I think I might just wait. I get these ideas of things I must have, as if they are talismans. A red dress to celebrate my independence. A big bed to show there's room in my life for someone to share it. A new house for a new life. I LIKE things. I like having stuff. Good stuff. But I recognize too much stuff is a burden, so I'll have to have a little disclipline and edit rather than add to a life already too full. I've started a list of definite will-go's to the new place. The huge oak factory table that serves us all so well. The sgrafitto olive jar with Phoenix and urns and filled with color that I bought at auction years ago. A jade lamp. Hundreds of years of shells collected long by the family who owned our house before we did and those we've added to the collection. Mineral specimens, a piece of drift wood. But there's so much I've lived with so long I don't see. I'll follow the rule if I haven't used it in a year, sell it. Endless kitchen supplies and books. It has gotten easier for me toss things and I do a bit more every day. I want TBH. Dreamt of the man last night. Or perhaps it was that I stayed in the dream state at first light, wishing the pillow along my back was he. With my eyes closed I could feel his cock harden against the cleft of my ass. I'd hoped to be pushed on my stomach and feel his thickness force it's way through my puss lips (though he prefers "cunt" to "puss"). But no...I was solo in a bed of utter comfort with those crisp white linens I prefer. I porned a bit and used a toy. Not satisfying. Sigh. But I enjoyed his presence in more public ways. And he's kind in unexpected ways. But I see a restlessness in him. And IDK how he keeps going with the responsibilities he has taken on. And I feel for him in a job he seems equally capable and bored with. There's a lot of joy to him that responds instantly to a spark. But it's business first today. And figure out some things that don't quite make sense. It's good to be back to Mayberry. As we drove closer last night and the air began to smell of salt and the green privet hedges along the roadside, I began to feel like Dorothy's "there's no place like home." With eager cats to great us and the crew to unload, we made short work of it all. It's neater and cleaner than I'd remembered. And when you aren't afraid to toss, it's going to get even moreso. I enjoyed it so much I didn't want/couldn't sleep last night. But that could've been desire for beautiful male flesh clamoring once I got my privacy again. Enjoy yours too, home sw home. Pen

7/5/2017 9:03:16 PM
I've returned home to find an issue to solve. But in view of what I've done the past few months, it seems no biggie. Just another agency to deal with. But I'll be dealing with them for some time so best learn that system too. Is it greedily to admit I want some serious attention? And yes, I mean sexual attention. I want to be tied up and made to take endless o's and penetration with fingers, tongue, cock, or whatever other creative thing he can come up with. And yes, I would love to abdicate control for the weekend. A vaca from my vaca. And my first solo weekend truly divorced. It seems I should indulge. Celebrate. Let my free spirit take me where it will. But I'm still a lady with that inconvenient moral compass and I can only think of one man I trust enough to tie me at present. But he'd prefer me to tie him. Pen

7/4/2017 7:43:50 AM
Reading back over my journal entries since my FINI moment, there's positive trend. Of course it's not so hard to be positive when you're away, outside of the daily grind, surrounded by beauty and your favorite people. Still, I LIVE with my favorite people and we all know too well how to put in the time and effort over a sustained but limited period to get to where we need. That will be a focus the next weeks as we hard edit our lives and lighten the sheer amount of STUFF in our lives. I grow more and more enthusiastic at our cottage on the estuary. Locals tell me not to worry so much about my flood concerns post-Sandy as other than that 100 year storm when a dam failed upstream, it's not flooded in past memory. I'm one who prepares for most eventualities. It's a useful trait to focus one's more OCD tendencies. The secret is to be able to let go when you realize you still can't be ready for EVERYTHING. Apologies for the all caps, italicizations doesn't work via iPad. I think my efforts at researching endlessly and trying to be prepared for whatever comes are the last vestiges of my efforts at control. I'm a natural at it. But control doesn't really serve me well at this point in my life. People do. Relationships do. Humor sure does. And letting others live however they choose to and leaving judgement behind. I appreciate free spirits. I seek to be more so. But as much as I'm an adventure seeker, I start from a base of earthy practicality. It hasn't always been so, but I remain the one my children count on and may fill that role for some time. They're grounded. And capable. And I understand the cliche of love more than life itself. I invited TBH to join us for dinner last night. He was kind and his usual funny self. My youngest son who can be a bit of beast on occasion, introduced himself with a name other than his own. And TBH played it well all night, as did I, great fun and good spirits. My girl ordered in Spanish. And my giant son adored everything he tried from his tapas, to mine, to his bros. Love them all. And TBH's words and recognition of their respectfulness, uniqueness, and specialness meant a lot to me. Those are the words that will stay with me. And I'm grateful. All in an effort to live a life that expands rather than narrows. But it's work to keep taking those steps outside my comfort zone. But I'm not stopping. I bought a toe ring. Now to some people that's normal. To me a great departure. It's a woven sterling band I hardly notice. But I wear to remind me that there are other ways of living. And the fabric of my life is strong but I'm reweaving it with some new threads. Colorful. Fun. Interesting. And open. So let what come, come. I'm ready. And I'm not afraid to work my ass off. I watched my younger two at breakfast today. Help each other. Wait patiently in a long line. Stick together in a crowd. Bring each other what they needed. And work together beautifully. It was a bit of mass chaos on a 4th of July holiday when everyone is traveling. But we know how to stick together in the midst of chaos and find our own order. I'm looking forward to returning home. We went from peaceful out of the way little town on the water to a historic city chock full of holiday go'ers and children and wait times. I love this town but have always been amazed at the sheer volume of cars on the road. I live in a town in the middle of both. My Mayberry. Plenty of people. Blue collar roots turned white collar town but still with families who have a long history there. I'm a transplant like many though my children have a long established family history. It's more gentil here, south of the Mason Dixon line and I'm a lady who appreciates such things. But Jersey will be good to come home to. Lesser crowds (at least during the week at the shore), more services, great summer produce and more than a few folks who care about me. But for today...just one more adventure... Pen

7/2/2017 7:48:38 PM
I've spent the past days on a rather stellar boat. There is something to be said for being in a private location few have experienced. It's an alternate lifestyle and a brand new experience for us all. The first few days I found endless spiritual parallels to why life led me here. And truly it was extraordinary in ways I am still processing. You need to live green and although I do in token ways; I realize just how wasteful in some ways we are. But I have also been surrounded by extraordinary beauty and peace at a time when I needed both. And I've managed to create lovely meals on what amounts to a camp stove. I realize in that too, I can simplify. We are south of the Mason Dixon line in a lovely town. One of my children told me "it's like the whole town is downsized." The roads are narrow, the houses even on million dollar properties are small, and the services available are fewer. But people walk to the ice cream store dockside with their dogs...and there are endless dogs, including the one on our dock who visits. And folks say hello and are just nice. I was always the "nice girl." It's a pleasure being on the other end of that. Perhaps I should put out a "seeking nice" ad. The whole town is a few sizes bigger than mine at home in miles, but with a quarter of the people. And folks take time to talk to you. They have time. IDK what anyone does here to make a living, but for attitude and charm, they win hands down. Pen

6/29/2017 5:44:51 AM
The culling process isn't done yet. I drive by the little place that will become our home in a few months a few times a day. Intentionally. Having only a vague idea of what will fit there. I have far too many possessions. Far too many books, which I haven't had time to read in years so the majority of the library will go. Words have always been my crutch but I find I don't need to escape into fictional worlds. This one has more than enough wonder for me at present. It's a shift for a girl who lived mostly in her mind to have become so physical. And I expect I will become more so. I volunteered to run one of those muddy crazy races a friend who is trying to lose weight wants for her motivation. It's always been an interesting thought. We'll see if she gets there. If she does looks like I better start taking baby steps myself. Many hopeful people out there. It's just...okay, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but you need a plan and you need to work your ass off to get where you want. Most don't seem to do the in depth work needed to get there. I have. It takes me forever it seems to get there, and it's always damn complicated, but I have always met my goals in the end. The original tortoise of the tortoise and the hare. Just call me slowpoke. Actually a slow poke would be about heaven right now. I feel lighter. It was a heavy load to feel pressed on my brain and heart just a few days ago. But I think I've done the hardest of it. Work still ahead in plenty. But yeah, it's okay. I'm okay. There's so much space where before I was constrained. I've been living carefully, under the radar, having quiet relationships carefully compartmentalized. Trying to plan for every eventuality. I don't want to go TOO pollyanna'ish yet, but I'm hoping it really works. But I've had agreements signed in the past that have barely been enforced. I'm told it's different now. We will see. But in truth, for all the eventualities I've negotiated and possibilities seen, I don't know what's ahead. But it's gonna be better than the struggle past. New struggles for sure. But ease too. Interestingly enough, this came just prior to a long awaited vaca for us all. So I'm off to load up and head off the beaten track to create some beautiful memories with my loves. I'm still not ready to buy that red red dress and party. I've learned the way to move past is to let myself FEEL every uncomfortable emotion I feel. I'm happy it's past. But I do mourn and that's okay too. Hugs y'all. Pen

6/28/2017 11:42:22 AM
So they say you shouldn't use sex as a bandaid. Well darlings, bandaid or not, I'm all about feeling good without causing others pain (well unless they BEG for it). I'll admit old old wounds bled a little the past few days. Just a little tear. Divorce rips your life apart, but I was well on my way to creating a new reality from those shreds of what is past. There IS less worry. Let "what if" as it's all defined neatly in a document i tucked away with the other papers one is supposed to hang on to. I did cull more dead wood today and removed his name as beneficiary of my IRA. So yeah, it felt good. So now I LIVE. And fucking needs to be a big part of what I feel. It makes me happy. And my partner too. Pen

6/28/2017 8:42:39 AM
Today IS better. And tomorrow will be moreso. Thank y'all for your words. There were times when I felt very alone in this world. I know better. But we feel what we feel. Every well wish, kind word of advice, support, and kindness you've shown me got me through. And I am grateful. Pen

6/27/2017 9:09:00 PM
And so it's done. Fini. I spent much of the day feeling like I was living through my greatest failure. And as much as this needed to happen, I am saddened. Deeply saddened. I didn't expect quite such an emotional hit. One friend tells me there is still a bond and that is why I am affected. I don' t think I'm in denial when I say that's not it at all. I don't miss my ex. I don't miss sharing things with him. And I certainly don't miss sharing a bed, house, or table with him. I do, however, think I will miss being Mrs., though it's still acceptable to use the title I'm told. Checking the "divorced" box over the "married" on endless forms seems far too personal for all and sundry to know. "Single" blows away "divorced" to my way of thinking. But it's rarely an option. Maybe I'll just leave it blank in the future. What I miss, what I mourn, is the me I was before it all fell apart. Yes, I'm more interesting now. Yes, I'm smarter now. Yes, I have more and better friends now. And yes, I have orgasms now. But there's what other's refer to as "baggage." As positive and forward-thinking and I try to be, there are changes in me common to other women who have been through similar. Perhaps men too, but it's not exactly date night conversation. I stopped at a friend's tonight. She has never been married. But has children and had been through an acrimonious breakup and knows the courts better than she wishes. We talked about how much more work it is to trust. And she mentioned how much more reactive she is now. In the past she would just take it, but post breakup she is ready to fight over being submissive. I'm not one who seeks confrontation myself. But I do know feeling disrespected will set my back up fast and furious. I'm instantly ready for a fight in those cases. But the only one who really can get me to react is an adolescent boy at present. There's an element of relief to this too. I'm supposed to be on the other side of it now. But it sure doesn't feel like I'm anywhere. But I suppose it's that this is simply a place I've never been before. And a role I've not had. I really did want to tell my ex what I really think of him. I tell everyone oh, yes, a marriage takes two and certainly I had a role in it not working out. But honestly, I tried. OMG I tried. I truly did exhaust every option before divorcing. My friend today told me "Stop. This is not your failure. This is his." But blame never helps anyone. Still it was comforting to have someone on my team. I know no one needs or wants to hear about how much my now over marriage sucked. But I need to put the words here. And spill the emotion. I've mourned today. I've also taken care of some serious business and there is the decided possibility that truly great things are ahead. I just need a little handholding and a lot of listening right now. And maybe someone to take care of me for just a little bit. CW was kind enough to offer me support. And my 85 yr old friend called to see if it was over and I'd picked out my red dress. I've been talking of wearing a red dress and having a party. Hell, maybe I'll just buy the red dress and make my own party even if I don't feel like it much right now. There's one thing nice about divorce you know? The orders are enforceable. Unlike my experience before. I'm sorry gentlemen, but the thought of my ex in the county jail if he continues the way he has, is an image that pleases me. Terrible vindictive beyotch maybe. But for a patrician to be compelled to sleep with the plebes...well the man could use being taken down a notch or two. Yes, I should be better than all this. Kinder. And nice little old me. But today I want to just say fuck it. Exhausted, but free, Pen

6/26/2017 7:56:17 PM
There was a time I believed in fairy tales. In goodness triumphing. Evil getting their just desserts. And happily ever after. I know better now. And that loss of innocence saddens me. But life isn't always fair. I still do my best to behave in ways that I can live with since the golden rule has long been my mantra. And sometimes you make lovely connections with others who live the same way by doing the right thing. I still half believe in karma. So then end of my imagined fairy tale marriage is here. The legal end. Though of course it was no fairly tale and I was lonelier married than I am solo. But it started out right. A long courtship, as I was a careful one and never planned to marry. It took some persuading. And truly I was a princess (more the Cinderella type coming from ashes) marrying her handsome prince. And forever he was the nice guy and I was...well...the woman who held him back, the shrew. IDK if I was. But that was how he portrayed me. But he has replaced that role with other women who are portrayed in the same light since. He's a man who needs to blame another for his lack of time, lack of financial security, and inability to do what the rest of us manage to...from paying our taxes to spending as much time as we can with our kids to simply doing laundry. Now of course you're only getting one side of the story. I was pretty. Socially a bit awkward. Certainly shy. Terrified of all the political and social requirements on me. And I rebelled. I fought every commitment and he went solo more often than not. I buried myself in a long commute, got myself a cat, work, books, and learning how to chef. I'd try on occasion to bridge the gap. Moved closer to his work so he could pop by more often, said yes more to archaic men's club events where wives gave young me the evil eye as old men leered, took stellar care of his family, and embraced his family's traditions to the exclusion of forming my own. I didn't cheat. But I wanted to. I could never figure out why he married me. I wasn't funny the way I am now. Sure I was pretty and skinny and made more money than he did. And despite my upbringing, I was told I brought class into his family. Proper. Perfect house. Amazing meals. Planned trips. Found sources for inspiration for his work. Threw parties that people still talk about. Thank you cards and proper etiquette at all times. But I never got the sense he even liked me after awhile. I truly think he needed a scapegoat. And there I was. We used to joke that he didn't have time for one woman, let alone two so he would never cheat on me. But of course he did. With a secretary he installed a few houses down the street from our home and became his mistress. It pisses me off more that he made me a cliche than the actually cheating anymore. It pisses me off more the times I had her in my home, holding my babies, and thanked her everytime I spoke with her for how much she helped my husband. Oh, she was "helping" him alright. I've mentioned I live in Mayberry. I was humiliated. I did reach out to his parents. And it became public knowledge even though they recommended I keep it very quiet. But I was devastated. And I knew public perception mattered more to my husband than anything. So I let it out. Folks began to realize I perhaps wasn't the shrew I was portrayed as. I kept my head down, didn't talk about it, and took care of my very young children. Though I don't know how I made it past the first year. I hired an attorney. Secured joint funds. Found out my rights. And asked him to never come back. I kept the children from him for a week, trying to find my way through. Not proud of that. But they were babies. And I was truly one fucked up youngish woman. I did get the full story from him. I did fire the secretary's ass though I had no authority. And yes, she moved out of state with her daughter after suing my ex for sexual harassment. That's karma. But one exhausts all options when you have children before you end a marriage. I truly did just that. Gave him unlimitted access to the children. Therapy & yoga to heal myself. Though I don't know that my heart will ever be the same. Settled up the business of family...the financials, the scheduling, and so on. But I withdrew socially from all but a few very good friends who essentially moved in with me to get me through those first weeks. It took me 3 years before I could admit I was separated to most others. I would find myself in the corner window of the kitchen just looking out into the back yard while life went on around me, with tears pouring down my face. It took me 6 months of going it alone before I could tell my disbelieving family. My grandmother was so sad. I didn't want to spread the pervasive sadness I lived in. But I did. Then she got mad. And that did me good. I still remember her asking if he'd show up at her door. She swore she'd punch him in the nose. And she would've. He never has seen one member of my family again since the initial separation. Though I deal with his often and I try very hard to be kind. Even though I am not their family anymore, my children are. So y'all are wondering what is all this for? It's my own funeral dirge for my marriage. My one and only. And the fairy tale that didn't end happily ever after. And the years of pain and living in an odd world of purgatory, a long long separation when all my relationships were necessarily limitted. I gave my ex chances to repair this before getting here. I fixed his finances. I offered marriage counseling of his choice. But he chose to say "yes' as he does and deliver on nothing as he does. So enough. It's done. And my children and I are better for it. It's still right and proper and necessary for me to say goodbye. There's freedom ahead in ways I haven't has a shot at til now. But I still mourn the young hopeful woman I was and how something that had such potential turned into so very much pain. My sympathies to others in the same mess. Just know. There is a time when it ends but it's up to you to not live in the past. And certainly don't let someone who no longer has a place in your heart have the power to upset you. Pen

6/26/2017 6:43:17 AM
I try very hard to stay off facebook. But sleepless nights do me in. I don't maintain a presence there myself as this past decade I thought best to keep a low profile until resolution with the ex. Of course it's easy to seem to have a perfect life with smiling couples pics, justifiably bragging about your children, and pointing all the fabulous adventures you are having. Mine seems even more imperfect in comparison. Though I know better to compare. I admire long relationships. I don't know how y'all do it, but I respect that. In truth I've done some hard work. I don't want to work this hard. But it was necessary for the children whose pic I carried with me to remind me what it was for and the example I would set if I quit. I haven't always been this way. And there have been times I've quit in the past. The semester in college I just gave up and went home. The time I came home to find my in laws living in my home without notice and just left. And times I couldn't get out of bed and would pull the covers over my head and simply not leave my bed. Children changed me. Love changed me. And knowing if I didn't step up to the plate no one else would. I was afraid as an adult to drive the parkway, the city, the roundabouts that used to be ubiquitous in NJ. I'll roadtrip through traffic from hell anywhere the moment I'm free now. I used to plan parties and meals and work weeks on a particular dinner to impress my ex's family and our friends. But sharing an impromptu plate or simply pouring a friend a mug of tea is progress to me. Though I'll admit I miss dinner parties. I was a squirrel, tucking away 2 extra of everything, trying to plan for future eventualities and to never run out of anything. It still comes natural to me in the kitchen when I never know when those old creative juices will start flowing again to be ready for anything. But I've found this intense forward thinking when planning a settlement drives me mad and hurts my head. I will be glad to see the end of men in suits. And I should be grateful there is a settlement to be made. My great great fear was to end up as a single parent. I had a few of those sorts of fears. Most of 'em came true. But the thing is once you face them, they aren't a fear anymore. It's just sh#* you came though to the other end of. And quite frankly, there a perks to single parenting you just don't have as a couple. Like time off. And parenting your way. And a meal that isn't necessarily constructed with starch/vege/meat without complaints. And not having to go anywhere you don't wish on holidays. Of course there is a bout or two of loneliness. And those tired days you'd give a kidney for a helping hand. And the narrowing of acquaintances. But by and large the pluses have it. Still I need my friends now more than ever. This has been such a long process. It used to embarrass me. But now I see it as an achievement...how long I kept my children's lives stable in the only home they've known in the same decent school. And it was not without great pain to me. In the past I would've left and found a new place to live. It still has an appeal. Find a new little town and start fresh. But this is a beautiful place and I will continue to together forge a beautiful life here. Change though is scary as hell. And I am still overwhelmed. Legalese muddles my mind. And I revisit issues I should let go that still don't seem fair or sensible to me. I want everything in order, specified, enforceable, so I can get my own house in order and NEVER have to do anything close to this again. But of course life is not all that predictable. Today its just freeing my mind of words and thoughts that keep banging against the inside of my skull. I have more negotiations tomorrow and dread. I still say I want to buy a new red dress and have a party when this is over, but quite frankly it's not something to celebrate. It's the death knell of a marriage that was over long ago. And the loss of the innocent exuberance I pollyanna'ed though life with. But I've gained empathy, humor, and orgasms so I'm not leaving empty handed. I could use some serious orgasms about now. Stress relief. But I'll head on downstairs and call attorneys instead and skip breakfast since my tummy is in knots. Hugs would be appreciated. I need them. Thanks y'all. Pen

6/25/2017 8:14:49 PM
My home is full again with the children back. Always good evenings with all of them on the sectional and movie night treats since blessedly, school is OUT for all at last. I love when our schedule is not at the mercy of others. Though there are still those endless appointments one schedules for regular maintenance, ie doctors and dentists and the like. Soon we will have what promises to be a glorious adventure I did have surprisingly fun date with a man I would've found completely unsuitable in the past. All this interaction with my ex has me rebelling like a child when I can. I've never been a girl who found musicians sexy. I always liked the geeky, attractive guys who never know how attractive they really are. And the perception of "goodness" or even more an "honorable" guy would just steal my heart. But damn if I don't want to explore now in ways I didn't in my far from misspent youth now with music men. I suppose most women would find an aging musician not appealing. Mind you, the few I have met with day jobs have a sense of fun that too many of us lose. And fun is something I need to have before I buckle down to some serious a@@ work in the months ahead. I know, NJ is rife with singer/songwriters, but someone who can work a real job and look to his retirement AND write original material/sing/strum has that dicotomy I find so hot. I think it's that there's a certain component of the population who doesn't judge others by where they live, the house they live in, the car they drive, or the fancy handbags they carry. I'm not always one of them, as much as I try to be. But I'm trying to get there. And I have an appreciation for folks who just let others be without the remotest thought of judgement. But a date is just a date. I'm just grateful I learned something from the music man. It's still just being each other's toy and not that relationship I semi seek, but I wouldn't mind being a toy alternate weekends. So much stress. And no more circus to run away to. If I think too hard I'll worry til it feels like my head will explode since I can and always have had the ability to see all sides/all risk factors and every damn thing that can possibly go wrong. I'm pretty good at fixing things. But it's time life got a whole lot easier. Pen

6/23/2017 7:49:08 PM
Expand and enhance each other's lives...this is what I seek in all my relationships. It's how I go about raising my crew of adventure-seekers. It's how the best of my friendships play out. It's what I try to do in the lives I touch. And (lightbulb moment!) it's precisely what I seek in a man I just might want to keep more than a few months. Because y'all know we start dating...women start to want to know what it is, where it's going, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera ad nauseum...Sometimes I want to know that, but mostly I just want to be present fully in every moment. Now I'm naturally very affectionate. So often I find myself wondering if I grasped a hand, or initiated a kiss or just burst forth with a compliment about how amazing I think someone is...well those are the times I wish for more definition so I can just be instead of worrying about appropriateness. Y'all think I'm talking about sex when I talk about expanding each other's lives. Sure, exploratory sex is to be encouraged. But I'm neither advocating for or against monogamy. I do know nonmonogamy is not the same as cheating. Some avoid that monogamy talk. Others consensually swing. I haven't quite figured out what works for me there. Essentially I am possessive. If I want him that much, I sure don't want to share him. But then I equally don't want to limit another. So it's a conundrum. There's an essential honesty true grown ups bring to a relationship. Now that is what I seek. But I'd been looking back to my relationships with both CW and BC and seeing what went wrong it that there wasn't that expansion. And darlin's, I think you don't have to limit each other. I think you can share knowledge, provoke each other, be open to the moment and unexpected opportunities and still have time for the basics we all have to do like work, caring for our homes, laundry, chores, shopping, and all that. I think we have to push past exhastion to do it sometimes but effort is usually a good thing. I would've really liked to fuck tonight. I'm not going to though there've been offers. Hell I got asked out this week. I appreciate the courage it takes to do that. And even though I'm a woman of a certain age and not the pretty thing I was in my youth, my ass and brain seem to have enough appeal. And I'm grateful. But can I just say it? Dating sucks esp first ones. Like a job interview or a judge assessing what you might possibly look like naked. And I know you men feel the same. I like resting in the familiar. Being a regular in a local restaurant where they ask after my children, the grocery store where other town residents congratulate my daughter on a recent achievement, the horns tooting when I'm working on the dooryard garden, the "hey, can you pick up ..." of courses, a bag of pass-me-downs waiting at the door for one of the kiddos, and all the kids who recognize my car and give a wave as they bike by. This IS Mayberry. Of course it can also be exclusionary to those of us who don't fit the mold and gossipy as hell. But I'm here for a bit and I'm pretty sure good things are ahead. The great thing that is missing is my rock. Yes, it was my gran and she's gone. I function as a great many folks' rock. That whole "I've got your back." But there aren't too many who have mine. And that is an integral part of the relationship I want with a guy. Ahead for me are the changes of aging, as much as we all try to delay them. I have little doubt my children will help me as much as I'd prefer they'd go off and not have to worry about such things. But a true partnership involves getting each other through and seeing the other off if it comes to that. Eventually that is what I want. There's a way to combine expansiveness with care and kindness I think that can create something truly wonderful. I'm going to keep looking and keep trying til it manifests in my life. It's long past time. Pen

6/21/2017 7:00:31 PM
It's good to open windows and turn on fans tonight though it's probably too moist after the storm earlier. But it's blessedly fresh air. I feel as if I can't breathe in sealed buildings after too long. I pop outside when I can to clear my lungs and nourish my brain. I flirted with the idea of being a park ranger for at time for all the beauty and fresh air. My love rain seemed a useful quirk. And I'm a damn good shot. But I wanted stuff. And now all I seek is to edit and reduce the stuff and increase the good people and shared experiences in my life. Oh I'll get there. But this has hurt. Today I went from legal bs to a candle sale (therapeutic and disposable in the end). I was fried. Truly fried. I even tried on a simply gorgeous red dress I want to have a party in when this is all done. But I left it behind. Funny how I claim to not want stuff and go shopping. Even though I know better, getting divorced fucks with your ego. So I wanted to feel pretty. And I wanted to be bold instead of my utterly unremarkable navy interview/court clothes. I may burn the navy in my wardrobe when this is done. If only it didn't make me look like I know more than I do...but then I've always managed to look a part even I didn't feel it inside. I still want to feel pretty. More than pretty. Desirable. Amazing. Brilliant. I did come home and read my bday card from a few months ago from the children. "Wonderful, amazing, brilliant" they called me. I'll take it and be grateful. I had a very large mojito at lunch today. Not usual for me. But I needed to just calm my mood. I've moved past stressed to simply done. I am the most patient of women. But there's a point where I cease to negotiate. A boundary or two, once crossed and I'm done with that person. Usually it's takes a level of toxicity to the relationship to get me there, though I never enter or think of staying with someone who is not a healthy choice for me. But you know, sometimes you lose perspective and can't see that. I could use a hug. I could use a little taking care of. My eldest brought me an enormous cold cold mineral water this afternoon when I collapsed into the big chair in my bedroom and tried to work some numbers. My girl draped herself over my lap, knowing she doesn't fit any more, tucked her curls onto my shoulder and chatted away while she held on. Even my youngest beast didn't argue when I asked him to help with a job. Thank heavens I didn't have to go home to solo space with my head this full. It's not even as stressful. It's just stuff I have to do now. And I'm really really tired of having to jump through hoops for anyone else. I feel like there's a fire simmering now inside. It's warmer and fiercer than my previous bereft sensation. But oh, I want to bite someone. Pen

6/19/2017 3:55:33 PM
One of my favorite subjects is men. † I adore y'all. †Angles instead of curves. †That raspy†overnight beard in the morning. †A deep voice at†my ear,†sending shivers down my spine † And the way you are all natural pack animals in your youth and often as you age. † Men are very comfortable with men, shooting the breeze and sharing some drinks. † Women, well, it takes us longer to lose that sense of competition with each other (usually for men). † Once we are past all that we are much much nicer.

I've noticed a preponderance of lonely older men. †They have†their pursuits. † Opening up though, in ways that†deepen connection isn't a skill many possess. †They can be tremendous fun. † Of course I'm a woman who appreciates a guy with a sense of adventure at any age. † I think back to CW & BC. †It's a beautiful sensation when a woman knows she is wanted. † Both are fine men I care†about. †I wish we could've gone deeper. †But they shared more than most†and for that I'm appreciative. † With my ex (who some of those on my team here called "dickhead" HA!), I don't think I ever knew what he felt about†anything other than his work. †Including me. † I still don't know why he married me. † Though I've figured out†why I married him. † I†doubt I will ever know his internal landscape. †

Now I†know women are relational creatures and y'all think it's easier for us. † It isn't. †Really. †We end up with confidence issues far too often, even the most capable of women. † We†know how we feel, likely a bit more than most men do. † We get†the why, how, and know the relationship of our emotion to our histories. †You'd probably call that "baggage." †Sharing, though, is damn scary. †We do it as a matter of course as that's how we roll. †But darlings, our insides are jelly afterwards. † So often that's the tipping point for a male. †He knows too much of a woman and she becomes less interesting to him. † You, darling men, prefer Mata Hari, a woman of mystery. But we're still Women with a†capital W, so we will always be ...but men? You expand and enhance our lives in ways we can't. Kudos to y'all.

Pen

6/18/2017 6:31:34 PM
Happy, hopeful and determined to experience the best out of life are 3 of my goals. And truly, I am happy even through the stress. And even recognizing I occasionally miss that MORE I am still defining that I want. I DO get the best out of life whatever I am dealt. That has always been part of my core and is not going to change. Now hope is a struggle. Hope implies an idealism I left behind long ago. I tend to make the best of what IS. But I just might have to study hope more to determine what it means to me. I need to get back to fun. And yeah some serious fucking. Maybe even some kink. I'm no a girl to live in her head or even in her heart. I want to feel. I want to feel the hardness of a delicious thick cock inside my puss and mouth. And yes, I still have that DP fantasy I'm not sure I'll get to indulge. But I need lightness and friendships and spending time with like minded folks. I have a long awaited adventure coming up for my family and I. We've all let our fears and losses and change get in the way of that essential state of joy we all live in. That I'm going to change. And fast. BTW, wow all. Thanks for reaching out. I am holding together but we all need to know we aren't alone. Pen

6/18/2017 6:54:05 AM
I read back over my journal entries a few pages. Heavens, it's all about how TOUGH everything is. Why y'all keep reading is beyond me. Yes, it is a decidedly complex time but I planned it to happen when other commitments that took head & heart were less. I thought that would make it somehow easier. It doesn't. And here I am still complaining. Ugh, I can't bear complainers. As difficult as said ex is making things, I still took my children out to plan for Father's Day yesterday. I don't know why. He certainly doesn't grant me the same courtesy. And I woke them early so they can get things ready for him. Does he deserve it? Well, from my perspective, no. But I am invariably proper. Sigh. Quite frankly I am my children's role model. And sometimes you have to rise about what is and do what's right, personal inclinations be damned. I'd prefer a fish in his tailpipe or dog doo on his running boards. I only SAID it! I wouldn't do it. (Well I don't THINK I would...). But the man stinks. It would be something if everyone else could smell it.... I am AWFUL sometimes. Fortunately it's in thought versus deed the majority of the time. If I looked at the past weeks in retrospect I'd probably be a rockstar in the sheer volume of what I've gotten done. But there's so much more and the hardest of it all I have yet to achieve. It's hard to make agreements with someone who doesn't hold to his side. There is no goodwill. And a man like that makes you want to tell him to go fuck himself. But I'm going to to feed my children, make nice, and do some really tough review today. I'd rather be at the beach or fucking but needs must. Those of you who are Fathers, the best of you make us feel safe and protected as our bulwark against anything coming our way. That is a gift. You deserve to be celebrated. Enjoy knowing how much you are loved by yours. Pen

6/17/2017 9:30:27 PM
I planned for loss today. I'm editing my life and commitments. Today was one that I knew would hurt both my family and I. It was hard. Tears. Friday night I held my daughter in my arms for a few hours in the big chair in my bedroom as she wept and railed when expectation and reality didn't quite meet up. She had a loss that is all she's been looking forward to for a long time. Today I watched my eldest son weep on the couch as I rubbed his back and he told me "I just need a minute." We all knew today was necessary. But that didn't make it any less hard. But we did what we do. Stuck together, tried to do other productive activities to get out of that mind space, eat well, and soon get enough sleep. The basics to recovery from loss. There will be more ahead for us. I used today as an immunization of sorts to start preparing us for more. It's necessary to get to the other side of this. But we will. And then I believe it will be better. I'm ill. It always seems to happen the end of June when stressors catch up to me. I've spent the past weeks with all my medical providers so there are few surprises (and just in case my medical insurance status changes faster than I expect). A minor infection. Antibiotics. And sure enough something else takes hold. This time dental. Add minor repairs I can't repair. And the bad news my children struggled with. And I still feel like a magnet for bullshit. I don't complain anywhere but here. But I'm pretty tired. Less overwhelmed than before but nothing I'm dealing with at present is remotely easy. I could use some easy. It's an Irish town here. And this weekend of fog and rain has most imbibing. The Irish aren't as a rule the most affectionate bunch. But get some juice in them and heavens, I've been hugged dozens of times today. It helps. It really does. Pen

6/16/2017 4:39:23 PM
Well most of my more public commitments and those with my ex should be ceasing for a bit, and hopefully my maudlin wishes for someone to share family events. Usually I feel little of the sort, enjoying my time with my children and not particularly wanting to share that time. Sounds like a girl? I want, but I don't' want. We are changeable creatures. At core I'm the same though. I just see so many old old folks who don't get touched on regular basis, who have no one to share their stories with, and no one to hold their hand when things get touch and go. I don't want that burden to be on my children. But rather an equal reciprocal partner. Who gets how damn fast life can change and how we need to just be open to the joy right this minute. I'm not begging for him. Or hell, maybe a woman is for me. Time will tell. But I do know I'll meet him or her. But then I'm fortunate to also see those couples who are completely there for each other. A lot of them are 2nd marriages of folks who figured out what didn't work the first time and work on it now. I admire those folks, though I'm unlikely to formalize a relationship myself. Still it would be rather lovely to have a beau who is also a friend. I rather like the sex part too. A lot of things went screwy today. I'm a magnet for such. But I did step outside of my own bullshit and made time to help someone else. My old friend a few towns over, cane and all. And he helped me though he tries not to pry. But he's a few decades older than I and wiser in many ways. I told him it's not prying; it's help. And quite frankly I can use it right now. There is one thing I know I have skill with. Helping others through. I can get a whole range of folks through tough stuff to the other side. And I'm sure I'll manage as well as I must. But I need a person like that to walk me through now and then. Damn it's becoming a refrain of sorts. My family is truly wonderful. And they and I will do it together. More often the one thing that gets me out of my own head is helping someone else. That needs to be what I do. Find positive and give positive. I've been a damn grump lately myself. It needs to change. Pen

6/15/2017 9:05:03 PM
A family milestone of sorts this eve. And by & large lovely. But it was one of those things I attend with my ex. And then I take my children out post for a bite. But I am of course the only unattached woman in most places with them. And tonight I envied those two parent families with their children. The joy is what I miss sharing. Though sure, having a partner to vent with would do my soul good as well. I just wanted to exchange a look of understanding with that guy, whoever he might be, and have him sit next to me with the edges of our hands touching. Grinning and applauding. And holding onto a strong arm as I picked my way down the bleachers in heels. Gallantry directed at me. Now my son is blessedly gallant. But it's at these kind of things I feel my singledom most. Generally I find it a positive thing. But yeah, there are so many wonderful things I'd like to share. Pen

6/14/2017 6:59:40 PM
Generally I'm a fairly confident chick. Or at least too busy to worry about it. Or something happens and I respond in a way that shows me I know more than I give myself credit for. It's sort of a confidence reset. I need one now. Socially I do okay. But sometimes, especially in a place as cliquey as my neighborhood, I feel the odd woman out. Part of it is that I am alone in a town of intact families. And I've been cautious to keep it that way at any events to do with the children. I did bring CW last year to a picnic and it was such a relief for me. I appreciate the social aspects of coupledom. Miss them even. Quite frankly it would've been nice to attend tonight with someone who shared my pride in my children. Someone to be my team. And yeah, I would've liked to have started the gossips a'whispering. But more so I really wish I could just curl up onto a guy who had my back. Rest my head on his shoulder, Sink into him. And feel just plain good again. Pen

6/14/2017 8:52:07 AM
I simply adore women over 50. Blessedly, I'm one of them. We are remarkably supportive of each other. It is a sisterhood for those of us who let go. I've struck up countless conversations. Compliments to my fellow sistas just pop out...Gran's "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all" mantra taking a new direction. I was privileged to overhear a friend/lover/I-don't-quite-know-how-to-describe guy apologize to his elderly mother. She had called to apologize to him for their mutual insistence. So much grace and love and simple sweetness to each other...I hope I am as fortunate in my children. I'm sitting in my fav cafe with a pot of rooibos listening to a semi retired man pontificate, wishing his voice were quieter. There are many folks who talk always starting a sentence with "I" "I" "I".....they want to be the TV in any room, the object of everyone's gaze. Then there are others who simply are without trying to impress. Oh, heavens, they are giving a lesson on French words now and how "toile" and "toilet" came to be...please save me now. And on to "quasi-ornamental"....and identifying folks by their professions over WHO they are...Rant completed. Last night I was tired, a little blue, and alone. I've lost my usual comfort level with my own company as I seek connection so much more now. Everything is changing. So I need my touchstones to keep me anchored to firm ground. A little illusion of security or a friend holding my hand go a long way to keeping me at least feeling like it's all manageable. It is. I know that. And I've planned or managed to manipulate the scheduling well. I need to keep up the feeling of accomplishment and come up with a real plan to keep momentum. Did I mention, I of all people, am thinking about getting a tattoo? FREEDOM as a theme and retro. Any ideas folks? Pen

6/14/2017 5:42:17 AM
Progressing. That'll do for now. Pen

6/12/2017 4:48:02 AM
A good, GOOD weekend. Just enough time away from my children to make them miss me. Making a few folks I laugh. Time spent with that delightful man who thinks I only like him for his brain and big cock. Now said brain & cock are lovely indeed, but he seems to have a desire to live in ways that make both his world and that of others better. Many of us are so busy trying to stay on our path that we don't look up enough to help others along theirs. I value that. Sometimes just making an effort to show up and be present has the most unexpected rewards. Good GOOD company. Walks long enough to leave your body craving horizontal time. Skee ball & miniature golf with a smart a@@. Live music and a bonfire on the beach. Full moon. Food, conversation, friendly folks. Hot rods racing on the beach. Saltwater and a rest on the beach. Kisses. The above-mentioned big cock... My mind and heart needed ease. There's more. But I don't want to think too hard at present. That will come later. Pen

6/9/2017 6:58:49 PM
The beach. Though callling my room an ocean view room is a stretch. Mojitos with mint from my messy garden. Full moon I drove towards all the way down. I'm hungry. I don't know if it's for food or lips or cock. Likely all of the above. TBH should be walking in the door any minute. I figured it for a metal weekend. Cuffs, real police issue ones, my fav stainless steel sculpture of toy, vampire fur mitt. And IDK what else I tossed in that bag other than plenty of coconut oil. Oh! Honey dust. I think I heard of it on an old episode of NCIS. Edible dusting powder with a feather applicator. I'm thinking that and cuffs could be just plain evil enough to make me grin the way I haven't done much this week. I have faith. Wobbly faith. But still faith in me & mine. We will be fine as long as we stick together. Enjoy this gorgeous weather. Pen

6/9/2017 5:14:52 AM
I need to stop thinking. Fucking would do the trick. To just feel. And feel good at that. And get out of my own head. Pen

6/8/2017 6:10:37 AM
I wish I had my grandmother today. I'd sit on the carpet next to her lazyboy chair and lay my head on her lap. She'd stroke my hair and the most offensive pissed off comments about my ex and what she wants to do to him would come from her 90-something-yr-old mouth. It would warm me inside at how fierce she is in defense of me and how irrepressible she is. I'd cry and soak her knees with my tears. Then I'd apologize and try to soak them up with tissues and we'd end up laughing.. She'd offer to make me a cuppa tea in the kitchen and offer me her hand to rise. But then she'd laugh and tell me I'd better get up myself since she's an old woman and we'd likely end up on the floor together... I am scared. Overwhelmed. Distrustful. And feel a little bit like a cornered kitten in a big bad world. There's a phrase, Keep the wolf from the door. And that's just what I have to do. At least I can always look the part even if I don't feel it. Pen

6/7/2017 7:06:50 PM
Today got better. I got better. A celebration for one of my family this eve. We are changing the way we dine, particularly out, and sharing more which makes utter sense and ends up being remarkably economical. A favorite tonight. And a really good night followed by a cold jaunt on the beach. Ocean is calm and lit up with the full moon. If I can look at what's ahead as a celebration rather than something to dread, I'm going to make it just fine. It is long awaited. So fuck it. I'm going to be just fine one way or another. And I'll make sure my family is. What if's just make you crazy. Let's see how the cards fall tomorrow. I will sleep well tonight, no wine/no xanax. Just the peace that comes from gathering around a table with my children, playing 20 questions, and winning. I could use a win. And yes, I know I owe a whole bunch of emails to those of you who have been kind and reached out. I am sorry I can't see much further than myself at present. And I love writing back. You folks are my reward when I have time to myself. So bear with me. I will respond when my frame of mind is what y'all deserve. Pen

6/7/2017 10:07:23 AM
There are days when your future hangs in the balance. Not many of them, thank heavens, but they do exist. And such are my days at present. I hope for resolution but it's unlikely to happen quickly as I'm one who actually reads contracts and legalese, takes notes, and asks questions. I'm a PITA essentially. But "thorough" has been used to describe me more than once these months. I like to think i"m equally "thorough" in my appreciation of a partner, particularly when it comes to more physical pursuits. Sleep heals. And improves coping ability. And I need more than my "A" game at present. I need the best I've got. Brain is spinning. Working away. I've gone back to old school comforts to try to comfort myself (though the half a Xanax last night gave me sleep). I know Xanax can be habit forming so I am very careful. And I'm not a fan of pharmaceuticals. But I don't want alcohol or any sort of depressant. It's excess anxiety, plain and simple and of limited time duration, I hope. I went to the movies. I wore my fav jacket with my fancy new prof pins. I put more and heavy blankets on my bed so it felt like the bed I slept in when I was growing up and someone much older and wiser looked after me. I miss my Gran. She'd get all fired up and on my team. I was a rock star this morning. I normally avoid lists. But nearly 2 dozen calls later, and a trip to a govt agency that somehow I got out in 20 minutes, I'm using the energy to do what needs to be done. And eventually will transform my reality into as much positivity, or at least certainly, as possible. But oh, I'm wound very very tight. I don't know if I've done anything quite this hard before. But I've sure done complicated. And I've sure done what seemed impossible. This isn't impossible. This is just uncertain and I am inexperienced. I've always believed I could learn anything. And this I can learn to. It just takes levels of assertiveness that exhaust me. I'd make a really good sub right now. Pen

6/6/2017 10:46:30 PM
This was a day I don't know how I made it through. I was so completely without defenses that a 12 yr old made me cry. I'll get my shell back, but right now I feel raw and broken. Overwhelmed, tough to stay focused, and in pain...I still did what I must. My girl just held my hand for much of the afternoon. I even dragged myself out the the theatre to see Wonder Woman in hopes it would shore me up or just give me a break. There's a line that someone has to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. And that's my battle though I'm far from Wonder Woman. But I already know one large loss looms. And that one is worrisome and more. It is the antipathy of who I am. Perhaps it will be the final and last loss of this. I am not above taking an anti anxiety med so I can sleep tonight. Pen

6/6/2017 5:24:57 AM
I am trying to remain positive despite significant anxiety. It brings to mind how I used to be on my birthdays...I'd take stock of where I was and what I HADN'T achieved. Well, when you shift perspective and get rid of the negative...you look at what progress you have made and what is just GOOD in your life. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm in my home and it's raining hard. I don't have a ceiling in half my breakfast room, but then I've lived in a home with exposed wood studs on the ceiling and I like it. BUT there's no mold. There's no water coming in. No towels and pots and buckets like there were for a long long time...Not perfection, but certainly progress. I'll take it. I spoke with cuck who knows the whole messy history of the coming undone of my marriage. He's good for telling me what I don't want to hear. If my primary goal isn't met, it's not like my family and I aren't going to be okay. Because I know and they do that wherever we end up, together we're a hell of team. And we'll do what we have to and figure out way through. And, blessedly, we'll end up proud of ourselves for it. I feed my children carefully edited bits of truth. I won't lie to them. But I won't share more than they are capable of handling. And I won't diss their father. They will never know he fucked around. To them he is their fun playmate, a good cook, a talent in his field, fond of danger and risk, and never on time. But I do think he loves them. And I hope he is able to think long term for them. There is a general concensus that I do a good job as a parent. I think that's a fair assessment. My children are lovely people. Kind, able to behave in any situation, mannerly, and with infectious laughs. And they pitch in. Sure, there are times they are less than fond of each other but they will always be there for each other I think and unite to protect each other, and sometimes, me. I have cried my way through years, tears getting less frequent with everyone. And I don't feel damaged though I think my heart is pretty patched up. But heart I have, and a lot of it. I remain glad my marriage failed. Because I would've stayed no matter how much it hurt or how unhappy I was. This is freedom. Long, hard fought, freedom to grow and live and just BE. If I ever got a tat, it would say "Freedom" with a flag in a vintage old style classic tat. But I'm rather fond of my virgin skin. I can be a purist too in some ways. Keep those good thoughts, well wishes, and keep reaching out. This is tough. And y'all are gonna keep me sane this week. Pen

6/5/2017 7:10:34 AM
I need to fuck instead of think. There are offers, but I've been spoiled on my weekend escapes with TBH. So I'll probably just grin and bear it while my head feels like it's going to explode. This will be a long week. Pen

6/4/2017 4:39:26 PM
So yeah, my last entry is me feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into something that it's taken all I've got to get out of. Now I'm getting out a better woman than the one I was when I started so that's something to be grateful for. It's really all about dead wood. Interestingly enough, I pruned my beautiful redbud tree this weekend. And got myself a nice shiny new tree saw to finish the job today. Raised the canopy so the bed underneath it could get some sun and the pathway you had to duck to get though is open again. Parallels what I'm doing personally too. But you gotta cut to get rid of the deadwood. And although the wound isn't as fresh in my personal life as it once was, it still cuts. And it hurts me to be part of the deconstruction of something I thought was my dream. I woudn't go back in a second. And heaven knows as hard as the past decade has been for me, in some ways I feel like an f'ing rock star. An ageing one, but still...damn, I'm still happy and I will be happier yet. But damn it's a lot for anyone. For me, who comes from nowheresville without a lot of family resources it's a giagantic leap. But I have the most amazing family. I went down to have a little prep for the week family meeting. Warned them I'm going to be a raving lunatic banshee....maybe...but that the stress factor this week for me will be multiplied heavily. And if I'm over the top to rein me in. We do that for each other. They rallied 'round, all of them hugging and touching me where they could. That's my home, right there. Us. Together. Tight. Holding on when one or more needs it. I know each of them has something wonderful coming this week and I told them I am not going to let my "stuff" get in the way of that. So share and let my stay in their positive places. I could fuck. I don't particularly want to. That'll change but week's end. I could drink. Same there. Or there's still Xanax tucked away from the panic attacks I had when I first separated over a decade ago. I like the thought of them over actually taking them. Plus anything addictive other than sex I'm awfully careful about. I think I'm just going let myself feel and maybe there's a bit of grieving. Not over the marriage. But over that girl I was and all I believed of myself and of the prince of a guy I thought I married. I believed, oh, 23 years ago, that I was marrying the best, most honorable person I'd ever met. And I was wrong there. I want to believe the best of others. And I used to. Hopefully I get that faith back. Because that was the nicest thing about me I think. But I am not ashamed of how I've lived once I figured out how to keep going. So much pleasure, and joy, and adventure. And oh yes, orgasms were lovely to discover. And I've followed instincts it took getting out of my marriage and my career choice to trust. That's the best thing I've gotten out of things falling apart. Ladies, please, trust those instincts. And guys, go with your gut. There's a reason you feel that certainty or unease. And there's a reason I'm uneasy at present. 'Cause this is simply tough stuff. Gotta pull it together, get the tears all cried in the next few days, and just do it. Pen

6/4/2017 3:54:58 PM
Reality shock. Or some call it transition shock. I looked it up: "Unsettling or jarring experience resulting from wide disparity between what was expected and what the real situation turns out to be, such as the first day on a new job." I went through a good month of that April into May. And quite frankly, life is getting too real for me again. I have the most encompassing hard long term decisions to make and negotiate. Though it's definitely time; it a hell of a thing. I've spend days researching things I don't want to research, but must. Endless tax ramifications. This stuff is HARD. But y'all know I have a brain the supposedly does complicated well. The part of the doesn't do complicated well is my heart. And I'm semi scared sh**less. But I know fear really well so I'll just push through, but darlings, this HURTS. I have spent so much of my time doing things I do not want to do. And more ahead. But best to just get it the damn over with. And find the other side. I'm going to be needing more than usual this week. And fuck if tears don't leak when I find myself alone. I'm worried. I know I'll gain and lose. But I don't know how to keep my family where I need to keep them. I made one promise. One I was sure I could keep. And I'm not so sure about that anymore. But I think everyone will agree it is the single most important sticking point. I just don't know how to make it happen. I'd talk about sex here if I could. Heaven knows I wish I was having it right this minute. Though actually what I've been craving goes back to an earlier time for me...a strong shoulder to tuck my head onto just for a little bit. Because sometimes even I need to feel safe in the simplest of ways. I'm overreacting. I know. But there are huge unknowns ahead. And this is big stuff. I think it's all right under top life stressors there are. I kept my children close this weekend. Took care of outstanding issues that I could. Ducks in row you know. I'm the girl who before a weekend away, gets and oil change, puts a case of water in the car with her rain boots and poncho, and has almonds & apricots in reserve. Sometimes I even remember to pack some kinky gear though that has only been since TBH. Darlin', this girl could use a hug. Wish me well. Pen

6/2/2017 4:36:11 AM
So if my journal got confusing, it's 'cause I reposted a few entries I had taken off from previous days. Editing is what I do everyday of my life in some ways, and I'm not going to do so here. I am a bit overwhelmed at what is ahead. Reconstruction in sense. Mostly of PITA things that cost money like insurances and taxes and simply creating a new reality with very little experience of such things. I've never sold a house before. I've never had so much stuff. I've certainly never done so as the one others look to for security. It's a good thing and heaven knows I need change. But change, good or bad, is a stressful process on mind, body and heart. These are days I half want to tuck back in and pull the covers over my head. But I know my own proclivities. So I yanked off the sheets and laundered everything so there's nothing cozy to hide in. I am a woman who sometimes needs to be made to do what needs to be done, but since I'm the only one in charge I have to take myself in hand and just do it. I'm going to cry a little over this. Not because it's over. That's good. But because it's my way of reducing stress. I end up feeling so much, my eyes prick and tears come. I know in my head it's a cleansing but I'm still on edge. I'll do what always fixes me. Hold my children close. Enjoy every hug, every touch, every ounce of appreciation we give each other and keep going. People who do the hard stuff and deal with hard things head on and without delay have my admiration. I try to. But boy, it doesn't come naturally to me. But what it does is usually stop problems from getting to overwhelming. It's just sometimes when you have no solutions and don't know what to say, you have to say it anyway and let others step in and offer suggestions and even help. It remains impossibly hard for me to ask for help, and being this open took some time too. But it's hard fought and I'm not going backwards. Land ho ahead... Pen

6/1/2017 6:21:56 PM
From 5/31/2017:


Super sub told me some time ago that I am "enamored" of TBH.  I likely am.  But I know how we are all initially when we meet someone who engages us physically and mentally.  You begin to see so much in common from your values systems, what you both like sexually, food preferences, personal histories, even that your names both have exactly the same letter count...it all seems significant and promotes attachment.   But I  know we simply allow ourselves to see these commonalities and not the differences.   I experienced being on the opposite side of that with BC.  He was into me fast and didn't hesitate to let me know.   I felt immediate red flags since such a thing happened with cuck.  Both men used the "L" word within weeks.   I was charmed and slid into something more with both way before I knew them.  There were moments when it was heady.   But also a fundamental distrust of the whole thing because my head knew none of these men has any idea who I am but rather I fit a role they needed filled in their lives.  They saw what they chose to see in me.  But not me.  

I want to have fun.  I need to have fun.  But I am all about connection.  I am deeply attached to the people in my life from my children to the friends I am blessed with.  But for all I manage expectation.   And it's not easy.  I want to sink into deep deep intimacy.  Well part of me does.  There other part of me wants fun.   Now mix intimacy and fun...well that's a home run.  How do I go about it though is something I need to learn.  But I also know I want to know and be known soup to nuts.   And adored battle scars, faults and all.   Embraced fully.  And I want to give the same.  It's just the mechanics of doing so I'm not skilled with.  Understanding all this is one thing.  But craving the touch, scent, mind, and voice of a particular man is something entirely different.

Pen

6/1/2017 6:11:52 PM
From 5/30/17:

I can't even remember the last time I closed a bar with a date.  But I do remember my late 20s local shore clubs followed by the all night diner that no longer exists.  My Saturday evening with TBH felt just like those times.  He came up with McD's fries.   Now my children don't eat McD's after their public school showed endless films decrying it's the poison of us all.  Me?  I'm not fond of eliminating anything unilaterally and limiting choices but it's been a couple of years since fries.   But you know when something just sounds like the best idea ever and you need to do it right NOW?  So you've got this 50 something and 60 something yr old couple at the drive thru middle-of-nowheresville at 2:40 in the morning for fries...and we noshed away with the windows open blowing so his fancy car doesn't smell like fast food.  All gone by the time we hit the hotel from hell, giggling and tripping into the room and fucking each other silly.

So I pass McD's now?  Makes my damn nipples perk....What a good night...

Pen

6/1/2017 6:06:42 PM
From 5/29/2017:

Shopping on occasion can serve as a visual overload to reboot my brain. †I am still processing the weekend and I woke naked in my bed craving lips and skin and cock.

It was a near thing. †Several times I was going to back out as much of the weekend seemed very very far outside my comfort zone. †But if you've read my endless self indulgences here, you know I've ended up living outside my comfort zone not by choice to start. † And it's been good, ultimately, for me. †Plus I figured if I really was a scaredy cat enough to be a rude no show, TBH would probably never talk to me again. †There was a time that would've been okay, but it's a friendship I value.

Late planning any summer weekend, especially Memorial Day, means you get what you get accommodation wise. †This was a roadside motel, very reasonable, nice hosts. † But not a place I would feel comfortable checking into solo. † I told super sub, OMG, what have I gotten myself into. †He responded that I am "accustomed to finer things." †I don't think of myself like that because I drive a 10 year old American car, live in a house that needs work, don't have a big tv or take big vacations, and am pretty plainly dressed. †But he's right in a way. † I live in a safe neighborhood, my children all have better phones than I do, I can usually pay for my old car to get fixed and shop for treats at Whole Foods. †My Gran would be horrified at what I pay for fruit.

I kissed a woman this weekend. †And shared her breasts with TBH. †That wasn't even on the table. †And it seems we both did it to turn the other on. †Though she was a smoker so he didn't like the way she tastes. † I enjoy that mini nicotine buzz of kissing a smoker. †I remember fucking the chef ages ago who smoked. †My puss would actually tingle from him. † But TBH is a purist in more ways than one. †His diet is mostly pescatorial. †I made that word up, but maybe it's a real one. † The end result is that his cum is inoffensive and I'm curious to consume it. †Or even better share it.

He charms me, TBH. †I changed his moniker to TBH (tall bald handsome). †We're comfortable with each other. †I don't hesitate to greet him with a hug and kiss and we sit and converse like old friends. †Well old friends sitting on a bed in a 70s era clean cheap hotel room, knowing they're going to fuck each other silly. †Friday night we were tucked into our separate sides of the king and ever so polite. † By Sunday morning I woke up entwined with him, skin to skin. † I like skin to skin. † But I'm a tactile sort. †It's truly a pleasure for me. †But even more so if I know it is for him.

There's more. †Lots more. †But I'm trying to get my head back to now and not look back to a weekend nearly done †I read a truism on my shopping jaunt today. †"Don't look back. You're not going that way." †I'd thought of my ex and the hard stuff †done when I saw it. †But it also means not to get stuck in the wanting. †Because really, if I could, I could just fuck that man all day or simply listen to him and enjoy him. † But our mutual escape is done. † And now time to get back and do what I do, even the less pleasant stuff. † And if delicious images creep into my head involving the two of us, it'll keep everyone wondering what I'm smiling about. †


Pen

6/1/2017 5:51:44 PM
From 5/25/2017:

One of my more uncomfortable personal truths if that I have too many times ended up unable to bear being in the presence of a man I am in a relationship with.   I lose tolerance.   And those things that drew me to him drive me away.  With luck I began to dread the dinners we've have at a country pub that I formerly adored.   I would lose tolerance for his eyes wandering to whatever game was on tv but mostly it was his lack of social ability and how I would have to cheerfully carry on the conversation or there would be none.   With CW I couldn't bear the same ole.  He'd pick me up, we'd go to dinner, come back to my place, fuck.   Seldom any variability; the funny things is now I'd enjoy simple dinner and conversation.  And BC...always hosting and cooking so I'd always have a 45 minute drive and we'd never go out, his way of breathing a long hmmmm....before expressing a thought, and eventually his scent all became things that just lost appeal.   None of it is fair.  I don't understand why I get there, to the point where I can no longer bear them.   I still like them.   But I think maybe I let them lead and embraced what they wanted whether or not it was what I want.   I get to the point where my backbone stiffens, and so do I.  But it's not nice.

Well all see what we want to see the first three months or so of dating.  But then you get to see the person in their reality.   And realize what you can and cannot deal with.  There have been very few men I have ever wanted to actually sleep with in my bed.  I love my space.   But those few there are, I want to nearly tuckin like a little girl and snuggle up to him and feel rather treasured and adored.  Touch still does so much.

I'm too exhausted to write tonight.   I'm in a tizzy thinking I've got myself into another something I should not be in.  But I can't keep my eyes open.

Pen



6/1/2017 5:11:52 PM
You know what? Managing expectations and all is a bunch of hooey. It's just standard girl stuff. You know the old Dr. Doolittle movie? It had a creature with two heads on each end, 4 legs. Looked like a messed up llama. It was called a push me/pull me. And that just what I do. Fuck it. I like the guy. And I want to spend time with him. So I'm just gonna be real. And not be attached to the outcome, though that's easier said than done. And I'm going to repost all the silly girly nonsense and hot stuff about my weekend since I did say I'd never edit myself for a guy. Pen

6/1/2017 4:28:11 PM
Big changes. Big a@@ changes really. Pretty much everything all at the same time. Thank heavens I have good people to call on for advice. There are moments when we are forced to plan our economic lives way more than we want to. This is pretty much such a moment for me. Now I'm pretty good with money despite my taste for travel and decent food. I'll do without other things to manage to get what I need. And I certainly manage to provide for my small family when it is needed. But I make us all work for it. Work/reward is a model that has always motivated me. I have truly been through more than anyone can imagine for longer than imaginable. And it look as if the level of insecurity and uncertainty may be drawing to a quicker close than I'd foreseen. There are going to be quite a few things I'll have to live with that I abhor. But in the end I expect I will gain more than I lose. And it's going to get damn hairy for awhile. But I am determined to make June a lovely month. I'm traveling a bit with some of my fav people and maybe I'll get to handcuff a favorite on my beachfront break...those carrots dangling ahead keep me sane in the midst of great great stress. And it is that. The final heave ho of control. It's going to turn out the way it does. But mostly it'll be a long ass process that has controlled how I live coming to an end. And then I get to tweak things and make it all work, if a little differently. Change, sure. But I know I can make it good. My ex used to call me a "squirrel." I was always prepared. If I had one of something, there was always a spare or two squirreled away so we never did without and never had to rush out to get something. I'll admit it. I was probably OCD. So maybe my spices are still pretty much alphabetized in an effort at efficiency. But children will cure you of all sorts of persnicketiness. Now I'm not about things. I'm about people. On every level I live to be with, help, and try damn hard not to hurt people. 'Cause that's the joy. And those are the moments that stay with you. I suck at negotiation. Though I'm pretty good at defusing a situation with humor. If I can find a little charm and a bit of humor, maybe I can make this whole thing less destructive. I know one thing. I'm going to need a friend. Maybe a whole host of them to hold my hand through this one. Send me good thoughts folks, Pen

5/31/2017 6:47:36 PM
It is never good for a woman to think too long on one man, no matter how appealing he may be. It's our go to and natural, both men and women. But then you invariably starting thinking, what does he/she think? Am I too fat/skinny? Omg, did I really say that? Was the sex good? It was good for me? Was it good for her/him? Are my breasts big enough? Is my cock big enough? Oh y'all know what I mean. It's crazy making stuff. I don't usually let myself play that game 'cause I know there are options for us all so I keep on dating. And by this age, when things start to well...not be quite the way they used to when I was a pretty young thing who hated what was in retrospect a kickass little body. Now I like imperfection more than perfection. History. Experience. Maybe a little wisdom. But more so I just like people who see me and who I see for who they are. I don't want to change or judge or, heaven forbid, hurt...anyone. I just want to enjoy all. Pen

5/22/2017 6:48:07 PM
There are times when I am the most clueless of females. I miss subtleties. I screw up simple. Complicated comes my way often. And maybe it's because I do complicated well. Though I still profess to want simple. I've gotten used to a certain level of professional uncertainty. I can roll with it there since I'm not the only one & my cohorts and I talk/support each other the whole way. But I'm a whole lot less tolerant of myself when I am uncertain personally. Those are in many ways bigger decisions, particularly if they involve my family. I still wonder at times who put me in charge, but in charge I am.... Sex is an area I seldom feel uncertainty. I want it. It's simple...well, most of the time. A man I enjoy invited me to a swingers club with him. You'd think it would be a simple thing given my proclivity for parties. But I swing solo and I swing with primarily single (or those pretending to be single) men. For a long time I didn't feel I could call myself a swinger since it implied a couple centered activity to me. But I do. I've been asked why? To me sex is a basic human need. Need. You have a need. Our bodies are made for it. So if you can do so safely, by all means fuck. There's a social component as well. I like watching others have sex. I like having sex with several cocks though I'm most satisfied by one if the chemistry is right. Does that make sense? NSA sex is more fun and semi satisfying with multiple men. NSA sex with one guy is less satisfying unless there's a friendship or mental connection. Add kink and even the shallowest fuck can be deeply satisfying. But we all know kick ass sex (the kind we are all looking for) happens with connection. Mental, physical, and sometimes emotional. The first two are easy for me. The latter I fight. But I am just as likely to grow attached as anyone else. I prefer private parties as a swinger venue. The hosts vet all guests. Privacy is protected. And I generally have a protector or two who look out for me. Clubs...well, I've been to a few. Often with just a platonic friend. Steep admission price usually. And paying to get into a place that involves sex never seems quite kosher with me. The blessing of being a single woman in what some call "the lifestyle" is that I never have to pay to get in. And I refuse to be anyone's ticket. So this invite has me a bit uncomfortable. I'd love to watch this guy from a distance ply his charm. But this is not in my locale where I meet a few folks I know among the groups I've been with. And this guy, while I like him, I don't really know him. Swinging with another person takes a level of trust and communication we don't have. Or maybe it'll just be fun. I've no way to tell. I just like this guy quite a bit. He might be a bit of a flake now and then as am I. And he certainly is just as unsure about what he wants as I am now and then. But oh, he's fun. And I, who hasn't really enjoyed kissing many men for years, find kissing the man almost as good as edging him. That is new. But I am uncomfortable. And not sure if it's my usual level of stepping out of my comfort zone natural wariness. Or if it's instinct telling me to stop. Pen

5/21/2017 4:46:34 PM
I met an Englishman at a party not long ago who has decided I'm a perfect audience for him to send pics of his adventures. Mind you, I didn't ask him to. Nor do I have any interest in viewing pics of a man I may be even mildly interested in fucking someone other than I. And even then...well...I prefer to be in the midst of things rather than taking pics. I don't want even an ounce of distance when it comes to the physical. I want to lose myself and just BE with my partner. I have been thinking of women and wondering if I should give it a try. But I'm such a cock girl as much as I do find natural large breasts fascinating. I always have the most impertinent questions, same as I do with a big cock. "Doesn't it/they get in the way?" "Oh now it/they must get such attention?" "Does your back hurt walking around with it/them?" My questions are genuine as I want to know the answers. But they can make us both giggle at times. But how does one learn if you don't ask? Another handsome male has turned up. Island Prince from my very first party about 18 months ago and I ran into each other. We had great banter and chemistry back then and it was one of my few forays into dating interracial. I've never consciously excluded other nationalities/races from my dating pool but I tend to meet more white men than otherwise. I have an attraction to olive skin as mine never goes even pale caramel with tan. In any case it took me a time to figure out who he is. And he knew it. Not very nice of me when I've slept in his bed. He was determined to pull me aside and "explain." I remembered he got upset with me when I didn't keep in touch regularly and didn't progress to a regular relationship with him. So I shrugged and let it go back then as clearly we were on different pages. We did speak (the man is a handsome devil with facial hair so precise and well groomed I was compelled to reach out and touch, telling him how well it looks). But heavens, no harm no foul. But now he's begun texting again. We could enjoy our chemistry immensely if we met at parties, but so many want to meet privately. And I know that never works away from the group setting. My mind is mixed. I'm a monogamist in relationships. Always have been. But the thought of always spending my free time doing the same thing with the same person inevitably leaves me not wanting to spend time with him anymore. I start to crave time to do different things and resent the man who has claimed my time unfairly. But I think (hope) there's someone out there like me who likes to step out of the same ole, same ole and do new. Things and places we haven't been before. Awkward as it may be to step out of our comfort zones, it feels like living. And that is what I need. I'm a quiet sort though no one believes me anymore. It's true. I'm an introvert. I just had to develop skills otherwise. But before I walk into a crowded room alone or into a restaurant prime time to get a solo table, I can't breathe. It's that way a lot. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Fear even. But I suppose my difference is I don't let it stop me. I walk through it. And it's ended up freeing me to have the most extraordinary experiences and getting to know such disparate folks all over the place. And that is good for me. Pen

5/15/2017 7:03:58 AM
I think it's my libido that's getting in the way. All I want to do is fuck (and quite frankly be filled with endless cum). It's distracting. I shower and the water arouses me. I get dressed and my bra makes my nipples harden. I walk and my puss is so sensitized I get wet from the feel of my own panties. This craving to be used and hard is unusually submissive for me. Pen

5/14/2017 9:02:58 PM
I'm more than a bit confused. We've all been there. Trying this and that on for size and enjoying yourself but never quite sure what you want. I thought I wanted casual and light. But I get bored when my mind is not stimulated. I did have a date with a rather brilliant man. He's a sensualist like me. And more dominant than I expected in the bedroom. I think I wouldn't mind for a time to be taken in hand and used hard. But I'm finding no matter whom I'm with, I am left unsatisfied. My forays into multiple men are fun certainly but...well...empty. And I can enjoy lighter pleasures yet there's something out of reach and I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't think it's necessarily a relationship; having someone else co-opt my too much of my free time makes me feel decidedly caged. If I close my eyes, what comes to me is a man & I in bed, kissing like there's no tomorrow, fucking, tucking in, fucking again and again. It's a damn movie scene I crave or a scene from a novel...that perfect night of losing yourself in each other. But my brain clamors for the ease of conversation. I speak with supersub daily though it's been many months since we have played. We have ease. And he is of course beautiful, if a decade too young. I met another younger man this weekend, Latino...Latino men are the most skilled at seduction. He had muscles like supersub, the over developed shoulders and biceps that make my mouth water and an unexpectedly enormous cock I could feel behind me as he rubbed my shoulders. I know what I crave...the guy who is so turned on by you that he keeps getting hard and needs to fuck you again & again. That's my dream guy, but of course to be able to do I'd probably need to go a'cougaring... Pen

5/14/2017 9:44:44 AM
Our children hold our hearts. If we are very fortunate they'll give back to us the way we live to give ourselves and all we can to them. A beautiful day to the mamas out there... Pen

5/9/2017 7:25:33 AM
Reduced stress any way I could and took my blood pressure. Without caffeine a good and healthy 126/81 with a stress level through the roof. That surprised me. Perhaps I have more inner resources than I credit myself for. Did what I must though I wanted to hurl the whole time. I was brought up to never ever ask anyone for anything, particularly help. That would be my third worst fault. Working on that one too. Asking anyone for something is just about the hardest thing for me to do in my personal life. But one thing I do kow is that is things get fucked up you don't hesitate. Call back within 24 hours and have the tough conversations. People respect that. It treats them with respect and this time they worked with me. So I'm able to keep the wolf at the door for a bit longer. I'm not a short term thinker usually. I want to fix things once and for all, but right now that is going to have to do. And I've bought myself more time, a precious resource. Darlings, I need to FUCKKKKK....hard, rough, beautifully and soon. Pen

5/8/2017 10:19:28 PM
If someone told me tonight "the universe provides," I'd smack 'em. But sure enough as I was tucking in a friend texted. Actually two old friends. One I'll have lunch with on Wednesday though intuition tells me her life and marriage may have changed in unexpected ways to her. The other, my cohort, I will miss. She's managed to find her way through difficulties different than mine but at core the same. We're about keeping our children safe, giving them the opportunites they need and picking them up/getting them help when they need it. Outwardly we are completely different. She is young and fierce and fearless with a mouth she can't always control. I adore her. I'm older, don't give up (some call that stubborn) and fight fears regularly. We both achieved something today but her concerns keep her from sleeping and she finally came clean with me today about what. She feels better. I feel better she has me to talk to. And quite frankly on a night when things get to me, it's comforting to have someone always on my side who can't sleep also. I have a few very bad characteristics. One. When I get something, I often find I don't want it. Well, maybe not often. But enough times that it bothers the hell out of me. Two. I can hold it together through the worst of everything. But when it's done I tend to fall apart. And I feel that now. I cried and cried today. Not joy. Just sheer frustration and anger and fury at how peace eludes my family and I. I think I'll figure it out. I'll make a whole lot of calls I don't want to make. And try my damnest doing things I just don't want to do. But I am very serious about wanting to pull the covers over my head and stay her in my bed for days. I can't. But I need it. The problem is I'll miss the joy if I let myself stew. And I've let things get in the way in the past and shadow what should be all celebration. I have to fix that about me and now. I would be best hermiting away at present. But I'm not going to be able to. If y'all pray or do whatever works for you energy wise, send me some well wishes and positive energy. I need it. And I'll send it right back. Pen

5/8/2017 11:51:18 AM
It truly does seem that the minute I achieve a victory, small or big, I get slammed. Hard. And not in the good way a woman wants to be pushed. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed when I should be celebrating. And I don't think there's another soul who gets it or gets me. It's not a fair statement but hell this is a tough night. I always say tomorrow will be better. But I'm damn tired of hard. I could use some easy. Pen

5/6/2017 3:35:05 PM
Pinot Noir and dark chocolate at 5:30 in the afternoon on a shore day that was supposed to be a wash out...but it's gorgeous if a little chill. Frankly darlings all I can think about is fucking. And cum. I cum a lot. A lot a lot. No one believes me but when I'm pinned down or a man is holding me by my throat while he fucks me missionary, the impact of his cock will end up splashing me with squirt. That's how much I cum. I need an umbrella when I'm that deeply visceral. I will say the dirtiest things out of my normally very proper mouth and beg for cum. I'd make a great cum slut and fantasize about being filled repeatedly with cum until I can't move without it running down my legs. It's more fantasy than reality as I've never done it with multiple men and I have to want the man to want to keep his cum inside of me. I've begun thinking of making tall dark & handsome cum in my mouth and sharing it with him. Or just taking it from him with my mouth and words so he can't help but cum. Stress is easing but oh, I want to be as bad as I can be. Pen

5/5/2017 11:38:38 AM
I wish physical satisfaction lasted longer. Though my libido might be to blame since, oh, I crave tactile input so much. It's a stormy day on the Jersey Coast, best spent fucking and tucking in. The sound of the rain on the roof and against the window panes when my head is resting on a man's chest and I can hear his heart beat at the same time...it's perfect comfort and utter contentment (particularly if we are both waiting for our hearts to slow after fucking). Yes, thank you, those kind enough to reach out, stress is easing. And I just might have come to a stopping point in one of my hardest fought achievements. My Gran always taught me never count your chickens before they are hatched, so I'm not there yet but it's looking good. I've realized though that I half expect things to get fucked up. And in my world they often do. I can deal with problems that come my way and figure out solutions or try to have patience when necessary. But it was an awakening of sorts that I expect things to head south and so I plan for them. The hypothetical law of attraction states you get what you manifest. I'm not much for metaphysical theories of the universe and feel-good-psycho-babble. But...it might. I always figured be prepared for the worst. Then if it works out better, it's a pleasant surprise. But I fret. Fretting comes natural to me. So it takes a concerted effort to shut down that part of my brain and just be. There is empirical data that negative self talk leads to poorer outcomes, though I don't think many who know me would ever consider me negative. Well the ex would be the exception there...LOL. I forget sometimes in my cravings that sex is a simple biological need. Yep, just like eating or food. Of course we invest it with all sorts of other qualities and use it to build or celebrate connection. Hell, I'm not a naysayer there. Sex with connection is a homerun. But just going to the baseball game and having a nice hot dog is still a damn good night. Then there's kissing. CW was not a great kisser. The ex so so. BC was nice but I didn't want to just slam him against the wall when I saw him and lock lips. Tall, dark & handsome...yeah, that's precisely what I want to do. And I crave kissing the guy maybe more than his particularly fine cock. I'm still trying to get my head around it. I think it's his grin. But my lips tingle to explore his. Actually I've been wondering if I could make him cum from simply sucking his balls while giving him a slippery hand job. I'm beginning to wonder what it would feel to have him explode on my breasts or in my mouth. There's a craving to take him into my body in every way I can come up with. Pen

4/30/2017 3:07:41 PM
I feel particularly well fucked. I ran away to the circus this weekend. To watch the wonder, since it'll be gone soon. And blessedly I had a rather fabulous companion who gets my desire to roadtrip and go and simply live. My breasts are swollen and I can feel my bra cup them; it reminds me of his hands and mouth. And sitting down...well...I've tender parts. These leftover sensations will follow me for days. Pen

4/28/2017 8:49:02 PM
Better. Definitely better. But where there's a light at the end of the tunnel all sorts of bullshit I can usually keep at bay begins to creep in. The secret I suppose is to hold on to positivity and keep trying my a@@ off not to take things personally. Y'all know the definition of crazy includes doing the same damn thing over and over again. Well my ex has that kind of crazy and I'm mostly innured to it right now. BUT when I begin to have to counsel my crying boy over bs supposedly long done...well now that squeezes my heart. And it hurts. And there's not a damn thing I can do to fix the choices another parent makes on his time. This particular son has been through more than any boy should. He's learned from his peer and from his father that love and friendships mean putting up with verbal attacks and off-again-on-again relationships. I wish I could teach him better but I haven't ever brought anyone close enough into our family to model anything different. They see me respected. They see me with friends. But not with a male. And oddly, I've been proud of that. They've been protected. And I've led a compartmentalized life. It works mostly. But I'm starting to think it might be time to try being less careful. Still women are judged. Way harsher than men. Even in this day and age. And bringing a man to my bed with my family here remains completely distasteful. The ex did it without even preparing them. I was horrified. But then part of me is still a prude at heart. The other part of me though...just craves joy. And most of the time I manage to find it. It's an odd time for me. I've a bday soon and as much as I try, I inevitably take stock of myself and where I am. This year I should be proud and pleased. But I still do what I did as a teen. I excuse any achievements away with "oh, I was just lucky" or "I test well" or "I don't know much but I'm a hard worker." But I value people who are not self promoting in a world of self promoters. Theres's something to be said for modesty; one of my children is. And it an extraordinarily undervalued quality to most but I find it lovely. My kingdoms for an extraordinary but ever so humble man... Pen

4/24/2017 4:51:40 AM
Positivity is my go to, but it's failing me now. I am overwhelmed to the point that just one tiny more thing will make me cry. It's similar to the reactivity I feel when my hormones get out of whack as many women can understand. But this is born of exhaustion. I live outside of my comfort zone but sometimes you lose the resiliency to do so. Seeking new experiences and being put in a position to do things for the first time with others watching and judging means I often look like an idiot. That takes resiliency, the ability to bounce back without taking things personally. But when one consistently feels less than capable, as positive a spin I can put on it, it's exhausting. And there's no one to catch me. These are the times I miss a warm hard body in my bed to sink into and curl myself into his arms. But truly platitudes like "you got this" and "you'll do fine" aren't going to cut it right now. I don't want to do this anymore. But I must. Pen

4/23/2017 7:21:59 PM
Some days just HURT> Pen

4/22/2017 1:59:58 PM
I had the Dom I met the other night out to the shore for a cuppa tea this AM. Ostentably to give a bid on my job since he's a contractor. But yes, I also wanted to sit and flirt and get his details before I brought him to the property. My home is an unusual place. And quite frankly I've long viewed it as a pit to grudgingly throw both money and most of my energies into. Y'all heard of Sisyphus? Greek legend. You know him as the archetypical guy condemned to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back down when he gets to the top and so he begins again. Condemned to repeat the same damn bullshit for eternity. Pretty much how I've viewed my house. But there's no doubt it's cool and it's the only home my children have known. The house has spaces that would be kick ass for the kind of kinky play I'm beginning to crave. As I took the contractor/Dom through what needed to be done and what supplies I had on hand, I could see his eyes sparkle at the thought of the potential. Now I've long thought of starting a group, only I'm not a joiner. I love the social aspects of what y'all call "the lifestyle." But cliques form. And the whole point of kink for me is breaking the damn rules, not starting a whole new set of organization protocols that ends up being one more thing for me to do. I love the idea of private little dinner parties with likeminded folks that can evolve to more or not. The thing is though that I don't think of myself as a swinger as much as I enjoy swinger parties. I'm the unicorn single girl at these places with no one to worry about pleasing but me. And that is so simple and so freeing. I'm finding though that I meet people. Many of whom I really really like. Don't y'all yearn to talk freely about everything under the sun, including sex? Though I don't like playing with attached men or couples, I love talking with them. I haven't figured out how to balance my libido and desire for adventure (sexual and otherwise) with by equally strong desire for a one and only. Well maybe a one primary. I don't know how to play as a couple when both are equal partners rather than one a cuck. And even having a cuck was hard for me as I was always concerned about his well being. I'm 52 soon, though blessedly that still surprises some. Menopause isn't far away. And I'm concerned my libido will take a nosedive. So I grab greedily at joy and sex and fun while my body still works this well. I'm going to be that old lady typing or dictating all her naughty memoirs and embarrassing the youngers in the room. But I'll be a hoot.... Pen

4/20/2017 1:14:32 PM
I'm starting to understand why I do what I do. And why I've made choices that lead me outside of my comfort zone. I rarely feel fear these days. But stress...yes, plenty. I continually seek ways to protect myself and my spirit. Touch always works. But at times it feels like I am in a world of people who constantly take from me and give little. I fucking crave reciprocal relationships. Maybe that's why I crave the simplicity of sex. I solved some damn complicated problems today. Astonishingly efficient to have it all done by teatime. (That's mostly luck and waking up early.). I met a Dom over the weekend. An attractive one. It's not easy to find the clean cut respectable ones who save their leather for inside rather than the world. I had begun to feel a bit hopeful that maybe a nice blend of my respectable reality and kink could come together close to home. He was at least honest when I asked him about his "it's complicated" "friends with benes" status. Apparently that means an asexual older live in girlfriend and an open relationship. Though at core a monogamist, I get the desire for more. But who wants to be a side dish when a man is already committed to someone else? Not me, no matter how skilled he is. I still struggle with the notion of monogamy. I've long been one. But I've found for several years now I avoid the discussion of whether we are or aren't if at all possible. Unless you agree mutually it's a monogamous relationship, it's not. And there's a freedom there. But I believe in it. Outdated as it may be. I'm a retro sort of chick. And find the idea of a one and only just lovely. Though it might be hard to go back. I am spending my time doing hard stuff. Working like a mad woman. And I so need joy. I'll get it eventually. But it's hard to stay the course. But if I put in the work now, keep my equilibrium and don't let my positivity get buried in the mud...I just might be able to achieve most of what I've been working towards. Pen

4/17/2017 9:02:01 AM
It takes a bit of doing to maintain equilibrium when your life is changing on nearly every level. It's a little like when I finished college the first time. Possibilities and choices to make. Not enough real knowledge to pick the best option, so I'll end up doing what I did then and follow the money since resources give you options. I wish it were more fair. But I grew up on public assistance. Got to be a princess in an icy palace for a time. Now it's occasional chaos. I'm in charge, despite wondering what everyone was thinking to put me there. There are relationships and commitments and hard things to do. But I'll take this anyday. It's warm and I'm an integral part of something bigger than me. If you read back in my journal, this was a long time coming. And sure sometimes I feel lonely. But when you slog through for a long time, making it to the other side (or nearly there in my case) is a new and remarkable feeling. It's the absence of fear. And darlin's, I've lived with fear my whole life. That's a new kind of freedom, finding you can deal with whatever comes. Knowing it. I'm still incredibly horny for real cock. I met lovely men this weekend. Some those gorgeous gym rats I appreciate aesthetically but don't usually want to fuck. Young men. There's a lot of them out there and you'd think they'd be simple. But they aren't. Poor time management skills, too many social media sites to connect on before you can actually talk, no skill at risk taking and they can't get a hotel room with even the slightest finess. They are beautiful though. But I don't want to fuck them. I still enjoy men older than I. Finesse. Manner. They know you can treat a lady like a lady in public and a whore in private. And there's a humor to it. Self depreciation. The knowledge that we all used to be more beautiful with fewer lumps and bumps and wiggly bits. And mostly things work; but there's no telling when it won't. So you shrug and muddle it out. We're nervous as hell the first time. Try being over 50 darlings and taking your clothes off in front of a new lover for the first time...not for the faint of heart. But you know, I enjoy what others might consider imperfections. Though sure, they're easier to enjoy on someone else than on oneself. I do still see the same face in the mirror. My friends tease me and tell me I have no wrinkles, though I do have a a few. I grin and tell them that's 'cause they're all plumped up with fat....and that's okay. My pants are still loose enough a naughty man could slide his hand down them, so I'll do. I'm dreaming of cock and cum and kissing. Pen

4/15/2017 11:35:14 PM
In my efforts to promote non-attachment and still be with sex positive (okay, and perverse) folks, I attended a BDSM party tonight. Now of course the issue with BDSM parties for me it that it's more about the domming than the sex. And I'm all about the sex. Still, as equally awkward and titilating being the new meat in the room is, it felt good to be with sex positive folks again. And to let out my inner Domme. No sex. But oh it's fun to Domme a Dom... Pen

4/15/2017 1:37:10 PM
My cohorts and I are all in a WTF-have-we-gotten-ourselves-into quandary. I nearly lost it myself this week and our reality is dispiriting. And really no one can truly understand but those of us who have stuck it out. We need so desperately to escape, to be hugged, to be fucked, and to be taken care of for a bit. Every damn one of us. Lucky for us we have each other. And somehow all being in the same place, even if it feels like hell, tells us we are not alone. Holding each other up and talking it out and finding happy places is going to get us through. Three weeks and the sun shines again. I reached out. Tall, dark, and handsome was charming. He has a boyish quality at 60ish that I hope stays with him. And he listened to my late night tipsy ramblings with kindness. I am a bit enamored of the guy. But of course I don't know who he is in reality. But oh, what beautiful simple fun escapes we have. CW remains a friend and I like his brusqueness. It's business; you know how to not take it personally. Just do it. And if you need a fuck....lol...but I'm not fucking him anymore. Love him though. He's the only guy who really took on a protective role with me and it meant the world. Still does. I'll look after him if he needs it and he's my friend. Plus I put up with his Scotchy peversities some nights and verbally spank him when he needs it. BC. I feel awful about how he feels. And I know it because I remember being the wife to a husband who never had time for me. You feel unimportant, not a priority, and unloved. And here I've done it to a perfectly nice man. I told him at the start I don't do relationships because I end up making someone I care about unhappy as I can only give so much. And it's never enough. And so now here I am responsible for someone else's unhappiness. I want to do a proper relationship. Well actually I want to do a completely improper relationship. Proper in public; utterly depraved in private. I want to take a man by his collar and shove him against the wall hard. Tear all the buttons off his oh-so-proper dress shirt and leave him trying to catch his breath and naked while I'm fully clothed. On the flip side I wouldn't mind being made to take whatever he had to dish out either. I cum from being held down. I cum from my breasts being pinched and pulled and sucked. Hell, I wouldn't mind walking around with bruises on my breasts a week later from how desperately he held my breasts. I'd like to mark him too. There's a pleasure in possession, if only temporary. And oh, I cum from fucking. I want hard, rough, making-me-take-every-inch-of-his-cock fucking. And I want to be possessed as much as I want to possess him. Well, at least in the bedroom.... Pen

4/14/2017 9:24:33 PM
For an organized woman and planner at heart, I've found myself living with great spontaneity. Career wise I have a rough outline of a schedule but it changes frequently and flexibility is key. Bend or you break they say...I plan and I work and every now and then I surprise my self and am uber efficient. Then there's time. And darlin's my very favorite thing to do is fuck. But I really don't want to fuck just anyone these days. I'm spoiled a bit with a little charm and a bit more class. But even more so with someone who can go with the flow as I can, see opportunity for adventure when it presents, and be open to it. For a girl who loves to fuck, I've done surprisingly little of it given I have several choices should I chose to avail myself of nice big cock. For all me "let's do it" masculine energy, I'm still a woman. And darlings, we women adore being surprised, responded to, and damn well seduced. I almost went for BC tonight but thank heavens I had the peace of mind, even stewed in Pinot, to let it go. Best to be a good girl and roadtrip, yoga, or walk it out on the boards tomorrow. But damn, this girl is horny as hell... Pen

4/10/2017 3:19:43 PM
I want to yell and storm and gnash my teeth. Rather like the monsters in the children's classic Where the Wild Things Are. And I want to vent about one particular idiot. But it's the same old backstory with the same old ex. Truly I never thought I'd have a husband let alone an ex husband. But I do. And somehow we had the loveliest children together. So for them, I deal. But damn it....I want a hug from a fellow adult who gets it. I know I'm mostly on the other side of the bullshit but there are times of such complete lack of regard still and I find myself still taken aback. That's my Achilles heel, disrespect. Disrespect me, or worse, say something you didn't mean at all in that way that I take as disrespect and I turn into a warrior woman. I'll swallow my words if it's inappropriate to talk then and go for the 24 hour rule. Essentially if you're pissed or dealing with an ex, for heavens sake don't respond right away. Wait 24 hours and then do so with a cool head. I can stay hot for awhile, even though I think I've learned not to take things personally. But there comes a moment when he hits the target and damn if it doesn't sting. I have to work on that. But I suppose even with the conflict there was a resolution. Which is better than it was. Still I hate conflict as much a man does... Oh I wish I could tuck in and talk and nuzzle and unbutton a dress shirt and just work my way down. I fill my mouth so I'd have to stop wasting my time talking of such things and could do far better... Pen

4/9/2017 7:51:12 AM
A high compliment indeed when you overhead your teenage daughter's friends telling her she has a "cool" mom. I'm rather proud of that since I'm still inconveniently authoritarian and consistent with consequences. A wholesome night. It reminded me of when I was a her age, tucking into my room singing and acting the score to Grease though nowadays it's Hamilton. The girls varied between youthful hide-n-seek to fake weapon play a la Ranger's Apprentice to dress up and musicales, and ended building a sheet fort in the living room. I live for this stuff. A houseful of guests to cook for and listen to their interaction and to see my children completely happy immersed in the moment. I've learned from them how to immerse myself in experience. Find joy in the moment. Live and be present. It did not come natural to me, a careful, cautious planner. Truly I hadn't a spontaneous bone in my body. But now...I wonder where that girl went. I am both more selfless and selfish than ever before. The care and well being of others is my priority on many levels, both professionally and personally. And there are intrinsic rewards there. It empties my tank completely at the end of the day, but I am left feeling a level of satisfaction and I suppose worth that I am doing something I consider good. It's selfish because I do it for me. Because it simply makes me feel good even if my body sometimes feels held together with those little brass pins we used in grade school. I'm also selfish because I take care of myself. I've learned if I'm not at close to 100%, I can't give what I need to give. It's one of the first things we learn. Take care of yourself first so you CAN care for others at the level they need. The thing I miss though is a partner. It would have been a pleasure to connect or just share it all. It's silliness I know. That I want to talk and talk about a girl party. But I'm prouder of pulling that off than the 5 1/2 years of work on a professional project. Women judge ourselves in the quality of our relationships. And I feel rather wonderful about my little family. Men though...well...on some level I am saddened I failed at my marriage becuse I never imagined doing so. I waited so long to marry. I dated him a decade (see I told you I was a deliberate girl back then). And I was never going to marry nor have children. It's how I know I should change my mind more often...since the children part worked out rather wonderfully. Thank heavens for my bio clock. But you know, I find I want to share those things that are important to me. And much of it is silliness and simple joys. In the middle of my proudest moments I don't have someone there who really gets it. And that feels lonely. It's not that often and I'm pretty comfortable with solitude. But yeah...I recognize this feeling more and more as milestones hit and there isn't anyone who really gets it and gets me. Pen

4/7/2017 5:25:27 PM
Tucking away my stockings and lingerie, all clean and folded, makes my eyes prick a bit as oh, I wish I were gearing up again. Hose, the prettiest of clothes next to my skin, and heels...I'm newly red again (the hair) and wish I were more play than work. But I've been fortunate in my escapes these past weeks. I have a family holiday of sorts this weekend, so all have shown up to lend a hand. And it feels good to shine up my old house a bit. This may be my last spring in this house where I've planted now mature trees from what looked like a stick with a root. And the lilac bushes I added one by one every birthday. There's a progression since once I was quite the gardener. Snowdrops to crocus to daffodils and hyacinths. Camellia to pinks to columbine to lilacs to wild indigo. And then it just gets crazy. Roses that smell like roses. All those things that I've forgotten show up like old friends. I don't like dirt anymore or the weeds or the work. But I'll do it as a last goodbye to my old friends and I might even plant more lavender, my favorite of all. I'm finding the wherewithal to be fierce and not back down from a whole lot of sh#%. Because I know I have to wade through a little more and get to the other side. And the other side is so close. The other side where I can stop marking time and getting though and staying the course....and live. I have gorgeous photo frame of my very silly family and I right when you enter my home. It states "LIVE" all caps and has my family laughing while I make funny faces. It is is us in a nutshell. Irreverent, silly, but oh, so together and bound by love. I know I'm one of the fortunate ones. But this, all of it, was hard fought. And I'm not done. I'm surprised at me now. I still seek joy. But truly my favorite thing to do is fuck. It's just that simple. But of course I'm a woman, and occasionally the lady my Gran taught me to be...so I'm not that simple. I end up seeking connection. Because fucking is good...but it can be nearly transformative. And that's what I want. Pen

3/28/2017 8:55:26 AM
I'm a chatty one right now. Stressed and should be doing more productive things, but my head is full of nonsense I need to empty before it can work on higher level functions. I started something. I did the right thing. Hell, I most always do the right thing. Utterly boring...but now I'm in the middle of something I don't want to be in. But I must. Hell most of the time I end up in the middle of things I don't want to be in!!! I so fucking need to be bad. So bad it's good...y'all know what I mean? And a nice big thick hard cock would go a long way to clearing my head. I need to cum. And cum. And fortunately I'm blessed to be multiorgasmic, squirting away...it's a terrible mess but there's nothing subtle about me in bed. And I like to talk. I like to use my voice to push my partner over the edge. There's something wonderful when you can make a man cum with just the right whisper. Of course I'm tactile too. So I could just endlessly stroke and caress a man....I make myself stop usually since no everyone enjoys such excess. Truly I'd like to sleep with my hand curled around his cock. Or him tucked into the cleft of my ass and his arm thrown across me with my breast in his hand. Those micro movements we make all night inevitably make a man hard and it's utterly delicious to feel that increasing resistance against my ass. I can't stay still; I'll grind back at him. He usually wakes, hand tightening on my breast...and if I'm very good I'll feel the slide of hard cock into pussy from behind as his hand reaches for my neck. I just want to be held and fucked and used sometimes. This would be one of those times... Pen

3/27/2017 6:52:37 PM
For such a simple girl I find myself emmeshed in such complicated scenarios. But for some people you'd fight any battle...maybe I know how to love better than I've given myself credit for. Pen

3/27/2017 1:33:11 PM
It's been like a game of hot potato. I have all these really critical issues in my hands...multiple hot potatoes if you will, and need to get them out. So I end up doing what I must and tossing them in the air to protect me and mine. And where they fall...well, that's what comes next and what I'm dealing with. I may need to get more public and less private. No darlings, not in play. But in bringing a few of the dark-n-scaries into the light. Light is powerful force. Hmmmm...my name means light... I would give much to kiss and fuck right now. I managed with my chiro and some deep acupressure for peripherary pain. All stress related. And all something a good fuck would cure. But oh...at present I want the tuck in too. I think Annapolis spoiled me a bit. What a delight that was. But as often happens when I play Domme, it requires planning and energy and time I don't always have. Sometimes even I want to have choices removed from my to do list... CW has been knocking at the door. But I know how unreliable he is. So I tell him sure even as I'm unavailable, knowing we will not meet. I'm not invested in much at present but work and my family...though room is beginning to open up and, hell, I'm beginning to open up to possibilities. I continue to nay say BC...I don't know why as he would take such good care of me and has an enormous cock. (I've always told you I'm shallow.). It's pressure. And the certainty of essential non-compatibility. And it's that some people are young in spirit. I hope I remain so. But no...he isn't. Women worry about some men who have a boyish quality. Shades of irresponsibility, playerdom, and assholeism...but there's another side to it. You meet someone who is a grownup in all ways otherwise but see that spark in their eyes...with me I can see it in a man's eyes. I can see the boy. Well the spirit of the boy. Of adventure. And desire. And that craving to do something a little out of the ordinary, maybe a little dangerous, and certainly something that lets you feel utterly free from convention. Now THAT's the kind of guy I seek. The ageless male. Real. Sexy. Smart. And chill. And if I find him I might just tie him up and do all sorts of naughty, naughty things to him. Even better if he's smart ass enough to need some spanks... Pen

3/23/2017 10:37:51 AM
Kink has been no more than a passing thought these past months....but now I'm finding that part of me is waking up and feeling very Domme. All my lovely toys, floggers, canes, the pony whip....Even more so I'm desirous of a proper cock to use a heavy silicone or even better, a shiny metal cockring with...to whisper and prod and watch him harden...then wince just a bit as his cock has no place further to go when bound by the ring. But moreso I want tease and take and push...I'm a hungry hungry girl... There's something to be said for the game, that dance we do male/female (or otherwise if that's the way you roll). There's an art to it. And I appreciate art in its many forms whether it be a painting, an athlete in motion, the tune of wind instruments or, even more enticing, the sounds of sex. But that dance, that flirt...it's why I prefer older men...those who are skilled. Because really we're all mind fucks before the physical. Attraction starts in our heads. Pen

3/20/2017 3:00:32 PM
My calendar...it's color coded and as full as a rainbow as calls spilled in all day. I have a new project beginning in April and a schedule that will become anything but traditional. Flexibility is my cardinal skill these days and April will be nothing but. But oh, I'm a planner by nature so it's hard for me some days. I've just decided to schedule away and hope I can manage the project around life. I told my children about my weekend. And edited version of course; the younges in amazement said "you went there without us?" I've decided they've come of age enough that they can view me more as a person than just the source of getting them what they want. And I want to teach them to go off and find their own adventures too. I find it odd that I am missing kissing. Usually I just want to get to the fucking. I'm a simple girl. But it's a little like art. You can love the stick figure for it's ease in conveying essentials. But flesh it out with muscle and tendon and drapery and color and you can almost drown in the richness of it. Or certainly lose yourself in daydreams. I'm a sucker for decent art. Especially those painters who are skilled at capturing the quality of light on a canvas. And I used to be mistaken for an art history major which still amuses me. I used to write all my French papers on art and artists so I suppose I doubled my education there. Next vaca might be art. j Y'all know it's the first day of spring? My favorite season. Free cones at the DQ today for the kiddos. Yesterday's trout haul from my boys' fishing trip to PA tasted like fresh air. And my youngest who I have to stop calling "my baby" left me a flower box out of an old farm crate he filled with some daffodils and grass he dug up. It's rather charming. As is he. I am beginning to see more ahead of me when I thought most of my achievement was behind. But I am hopeful. Many changes. Many resolution to very long standing issues are coming to a head. And altough there's great effort ahead for myself and my little family, there's also great potential. Interestingly enough, we all kicking ass in our own ways. And damn, that's a good feeling. I'm a girl who needs to be shaken up a bit to lose fear and push change. Piss me off and I take that negative energy and work it off to do something good with it. I refuse to keep running in place anymore. It's time for progression. And then there's fucking...my attitudes are changing regarding what is good fucking. There's something so much more appealing about fucking someone you do know. And pushing boundaries... Pen

3/19/2017 7:55:59 AM
I am so glad I was brave...and took a weekend away solo. It took me some time to learn that most of living happens when you simply show up. It was a pleasure getting to know a man whose voice seduced me in the past. His grin and irreverence up close and personal is way way better. I don't actually know who seduced who this weekend. But oh, yum... I think I've joined the ranks of "women of a certain age," though I'm told I look younger. But there's a beautiful thing that happens to women as we stop viewing each other through the eyes of the competitor in our youth...seeking to one up and accumulate that perfect life of husband, children, work, stuff, vacations and all around fabulousness. Once you've "achieved" such things and they become your raison d'etre you lose yourself in all the things you must do and be. If you're lucky something happens to shake you to your foundation and make you rethink it all. It happened to me and was one of the hardest things to survive. But now...well now I remain grateful for the woman I'm turning into. Joy happens everyday in my life. I find it when I make someone look up and smile. I find it as I see green buds poking up through the soil in my garden. I find it when I meet new acquaintances and experience wonderful days in sunshine. I call those the "bonus" days, when the weather man gets it wrong and you show up to find sun and glorious heat in March. Yesterday I spent it waterfront, drinking my ubiquitous dark-n-stormies dockside watching the lion's man jellyfish undulating by in the water, indulging my love of learning in a maritime museum, and eating all the oysters I could stomach. There was a symbolic burning of socks as well to welcome spring, but that's a local nutty custom that's just great fun. I was fortunate to meet other women of a certain age who chose wonderful ways to live. One of the best thing I've found is how we become a sisterhood of sorts as we age and other things melt away. We are a family, ladies, and should continue to support, teach and engage with each other. Oh, but y'all want to know about the guy right? Well the guy is charming and the sensation of his lips on mine, his hand on my throat and his thick cock in my throat will will flirt around the edges of my mind for some time. Yay for adventure and sunny days and blessed blessed escape! Pen

3/17/2017 11:43:14 PM
I don't do things like Happy Hour or take weekends away just for me.  But I did.   Connected with some very old friends who always were way smarter than I...they still are, but oh, what wonderful things they've done with their lives.  Some of us do work that helps very few and that's a choice my friends could've made as both come from privleged backgrounds.   But they chose to use their skills towards groups of people who need the most help.  My attorney friend helps provide housing for those in need.  My physician friend who could easily rest on his laurels chose to give his time to veterans in need and they are many.   We were a group of four all together...3 young men (2 of whom I dated) and little old me.   The one I was most in love with chose to live his life narrowly in a rarified world of the high church.  I consider that a lucky escape; I would have been a spectacular preacher's wife but oh what I would've missed!

It's St. Pat's of course today.  And as an Anglo-Saxon redhead I am often mistaken for Irish.   It was fun being out and about in the festivities early before anyone was truly shit faced.   I dined on oysters and she crab soup and a pint glass sized margarita.   I dined alone and caught a few eyes but I know how to be unapproachable a whole lot better than I know how to be approachable.  And I had mission to shop for the children because of course I miss them.   They assumed I was home/near and texted me as usual for this or that.   How simple and one dimensional I must seem to them.  Though they've seen me go through the worst of it with my ex too and found me weeping head down on the dining table.   And certainly they've seen silly me and the side that works her ass off.   So maybe they see more sides of me than I did of my authority figures.  Our relationship is more collaborative than most parent/children.  We are a team.

I choose Annapolis today, mostly because I found an affordable hotel with an in room jacuzzi and I like a sky line without sky scrapers.   Plus its walkable and completely different than the Jersey shore but still has endless places on the water to explore.  I took the Bay Bridge for the first time.  What an intimidating endless stretch of causeway...beautiful though.   And I could see more places to explore on the horizon.  I'm a sucker for adventure.   And I had one that leaves me both puzzled and grinning.   

I've long talked to a lovely man who reached out after reading my journal on here.   His voice does some wonderful things to a girl.    Well we happened to be in the same town and both were brave enough to meet.   I don't know if I should...but I will write it because I can't quite believe I was so bold.   Though if I had any notion of what I was doing I would have been bolder yet.    I had him come to my hotel and sit in the desk chair blindfolded before he could even look at me.  Brave man him to do it.   We both were.   He brought rope.    Yeah, you get why I had to write it down.  Did I really do that?   I'm still shaking my head in disbelief and woke thinking I was dreaming it.  But here's a bag with rope on my desk...

And I'd do it again.

Pen




3/13/2017 7:34:48 PM
Another Dark-n-Stormy night. Dark dark Bermuda rum, ginger beer, and a few lemon wedges. I bought a new big bottle of Goslings in preparation for the storm as it works well for post-snow-shoveling hot buttered rum too...and I'd finally emptied the previous one. I perused tequilas too since oh, margaritas make me giggly and flirty to excess...but I figured I'll keep that for a going out on the town drink, given I like salt and I'm all about less sodium to stay smart and healthy. Besides the true test of man is if he can pour a proper margarita, flirt outrageously, and still chase me up the stairs to the bedroom ...A blizzard, I'm told, is on the way. My small family and I did what everyone did today...stock up and get ready to hunker in. There's artic char in the frig and an amazing steak and Caesar dinner tonight. The children persuaded me into a caramel chocolate cake to see them though the storm but it's far too sweet for me. (That's a good thing.). It's a def snow day tomorrow I think and,oh, I love being snowed in with those I love and a warm house. Fingers crossed it stays that way. If I had another life I'd wish for a stellar guy in my bed to keep me warm. But ne'er the two (kiddos & my sex life) meet. I've never had a man overnight when the children were home. And I don't expect to...well, unless the unexpected happens and I find a guy I want to share more with. I'm really ridiculously proper in some ways. I've never lived with a man I wasn't married to. I've never worn black or white to a wedding (both are improper). And I put away my whites after Labor Day. I still send handwritten thank you cards. And I prefer to be called Mrs. So-and-so over my first name. Some Doms have thought I'd suit a 50s lifestyle. They're wrong of course. I simply appreciate the niceties. Effort. A man I can feel shaved before meeting me for dinner. A man I greet with a hug and detect a subtle scent. A proper haircut. Certainly shaved balls and cock. Do y'all know the sheer effort a woman goes through? The pretties take money and a whole lot of time and effort. It's a sign of respect to do so for each other. Heavens I love a man who wears a scent. Not overwhelming...I had to teach my sons that a half bottle of Axe is way way too much...LOL. But having a signature scent stays with a woman long after you are gone and fill her with longing to have you fill her senses again. I'm told I do that as well. I've had men just want to breath in my scent. If I like him, it's charming. If I don't, it's drives me mad. I look proper, but I'm a non conformist at heart. I've always been such. But I recognize the value of fitting in and working within the social constructs we have. Then it that much more fun to take off the masks in the bedroom. I crave going very deep and yes, even rather dirty. I want to push my partner til he loses control and cums with a growl. It makes me laugh in triumph. And then we tuck in for pillow talk before we begin all over again... Pen

3/12/2017 6:43:57 AM
My dear friend, Darling Dom, sums up a phenomena I've experienced well. Instant relationship. Like instant cocoa...add hot water and stir. Now I've felt instant attraction. And I've certainly been infatuated. And sure, there are men I want quite desperately to feel skin-to-skin. But one I want to keep? Or even integrate into my life in time other than leisure? I expect one day I'll meet him. But it is more likely to grow from time than pop up overnight. The man I married I dated a decade first. No one wants to grow old alone. Men are even more cognizant of this than women I think. As I woman I've spent my life building relationships. And for the past decade especially, I've been nurturing some and letting go of others that no longer bring mutual support and positivity into my life. Actually I let go more than I keep. A parent is a role model for better or worse. I've failed in some areas, especially in providing them an example of a healthy male/female relationship to guide them. And I've succeeded in others...trying hard to behave with grace under pressure, fierceness in protecting them and my few boundaries, humor, a sense of adventure, and knowing that my children will always know they are loved. I know I won't grow old necessarily alone. But I'm also well aware that loss is a part of life and the future. And oh, I'm intimately familiar with loss. It's why I'm so empathetic. I get it. I've suffered betrayal and loss. I think I don't let it define me, but I am almost clinical in my analysis of the honesty & maturity levels of my partners. It doesn't mean I find a magical formula. It just means I keep trying to, one, not be a partner in the betrayal of another. And two, can live with myself. But yeah, I can be fooled and have. And when I am, I suffer. I keep researching silly things on the web. "How old is too old to date?" Since as a mid aged woman, I'm finding the older men I've always found attractive have turned into old men. Now women are less visual than men, though chemistry is still a factor. But I've seen a drawing in, a narrowing of life and interests, of those perfectly nice old men I've met. But mine is all about expansion. Learning more, doing more, building a legacy. And I know my time will come when I step back into my comfort zone and necessarily slow. But it's not now. I am sure I am not so unique and there are men of whatever age who share my need for exploration and adventure. And yes darlings, sexually too... I've been limiting myself sexually. The process seems more trouble than the reward as of late. There's so much expectation and pressure should I choose BC. He plans his weeks around my schedule and I can hear his disappointment when I say no. I think I hurt him a few nights ago...No, you masochist lurkers, not like you hope! He is very deliberate about his words. And far too zen. A friend of mine went through a very difficult time and I responded sharply to his platitude response. We are not suitable for what he wishes we could be to each other. And I think he quickly became all in because I was his unicorn, a woman who embraces a mans sexuality or bi'ness in his case. It's not bisexuality that gives me pause; in fact, I think an evolved man embraces all of his sexuality. But that he latched onto me without really seeing ME. I'm just a female who happened to fit this empty slot in his life. And that's not going to do for me. When I love, I love in entirety. And I give all I've got to it. But I know who my guy is, warts and all. And he gets and embraces me in turn. What that really means is he gets how girl-next-door and do-good I am. But he also loves my dark side and knows how important to me it is for him to love and give me opportunities to indulge that side. Finding that guy, well it's a tall order. Pen

3/9/2017 6:31:37 PM
Whew...it's interesting.  Just as my professional stress level decreases and I begin to realize I actually do know what I am doing after weeks of doubt, my personal stressors creep upward.   I use how busy I am as a coping mechanism.   I am still going through a very long divorce.   It doesn't hurt me in a personal way or feel like a loss.  I will grateful when this is done.   But it is simply nerve-wracking to try to make my way in a world of attorneys, accountants, and power monger bureaucrats.   It's not my world.   And I don't the get the language or how nothing on the civil end of things has enforcement power behind it.   Did I mention I used to be a rule follower?   A believer in truth conquering all, justice, and good things coming to good people and karma to the other ones...  But darlings, I've gotten fucked.   

It's not the good kind of fucked that I truly need right now.  And those who are supposed to be MY advocates are surprisingly ineffectual.   Usually I can manage uncertainly as I'm oddly positive through it.  I'm still grateful that my marriage when kaput.   Otherwise I'd still be a largely humorless, sexless, drone keeping my promises and following the rules forever.   Now I pay lip service to the rules, but seek those who are just as eager to toss the rulebook out the window as I.   

My efforts and plans are paying off.   I'm ready for this.  As ready as one can be.  And I have options.  But change, even when welcome, is scary as hell.   I hope and pray my children and I come out of this okay.  And on many levels I know we will.  But sometimes my inner scaredy cat unsheathes her claws and I feel fear.   I used to live in fear.   No darlings, I wasn't abused except perhaps emotionally.   But it was a life of fear or famine.   Stability...a great luxury I've forged a semblance of myself, but never had in my marriage.   It's time for another of those meetings that leave me shaking in my boots because I know so little of this world of financial schedules and legal bullshit.   But the best thing I've learned is to maintain control and say little.   Of course I'll be a woman in a roomful of men.  Now usually that would float my boat, but in this case it makes me feel out of my element.   And dammit, I know better.  I AM better.   Well, I've changed the playing field where I could.  Let's see what the boys have to say to that...

I need to fuck.  And it's not like it's hard to find cock.   Finding cock when I am free is more challenging.   I read something in a man blog today about how unusual it would be to find a woman who has had more than 100 lovers.    They weren't precisely endorsing slut shaming, but the notion that a woman who has more than say 6 to 30 at the upper end lovers seemed inconceivable and rare.  I don't think it's all that rare.  But then I grew into my sexually in the era pre HIV and we all know what college used to be like before that specter.   Fortunately I was lucky.   But I was sexually active for 15 years before I married.   Monogamous or sexless for a bit more than a decade.  And then...post marriage...finding what true O's are.   And embracing pleasure...

I still am grateful for this site.   Y'all know the list of fetishes you can check?   Well the first time I ran across them, I had to look probably 70% of 'em up.   Some were queasy making.   Others I had to think about the mechanics of.  I had a few "ewwww gross"moments.   But often I found myself curious and pondering.  As I still do.   It's been awhile since I've dated kinky.  I've met perfectly nice guys who pat me on the ass and think it's a paddling.  And then I spank back and they gasp "holy sh*&."  But it's been ages since I've been tied except for an offer to tie me up with a ribbon like a present.   No...it's soft white rope I crave...the clothesline I was forbidden to play with as a child.   Tied just enough so there's a little give in the rope for me shift and move feel like I could almost break free though of course that would be counterintuitive.   

So cock...I crave cock incessantly.   To be filled and penetrated and taken and made to take every inch of it.  But getting to it is so damn fraught.   The social dance.  Or even the hookup dance.   It takes the fun out of it.  And truly I just want to have fun.   That's why I've found men I have a history of sorts with ideal.   Well except that there's usually a reason we aren't together.   

I am a girl who WANTS an FWB.   I start looking from that perspective.  It's easy.  Simple.  No pressure.  You'd think...but invariably the guys start pushing the L word.  It's like a different universe as a mid aged woman with men who opening emotional vs the reverse when I was a 20 something.   And oh, I meet the nicest men.   And often the sex is damn good too.   And they push for the relationship.   I'm flattered and infatuated.  And I go for it.  Then 3, 6, 12 months later...I realize damnit.  I don't love this lovely man.   And I try.  I believe I'll fall in love again eventually and it'll be beautiful.   But I end up finding myself in a situation when he's more in than I am.   (And this unused to be something I craved)   But I hate hurting anyone.  

I still think it's possible to have an amazing friendship with a man I get naked with.  One where you say, I just need to fuck excessively for maybe 15 hours...you in?   Or hey, I'm getting outta town for bit, wanna meet up in my jacuzzi room and be very very naughty?   Or hell, I have two hours, a freshly shaved soft as silk puss....wanna be breakfast?    

Pen

2/27/2017 11:59:34 AM
Today I felt inept, wrong and embarrassed. I'm plenty wrong about things. And occasionally feel inept since I'm still learning complex tasks. But embarrassed is a sensation I thought I let go of long long ago. I laugh at myself all the time. But today I was thrust into a very complicated public role. And quite frankly, I wasn't quite up the task despite my preparation. I rolled with it. And there were occasional moments of clarity and capability. But my oh my...I cried like the teen girl I my whole drive home. And berated myself for being an idiot. And essentially just went in search of a rock to crawl under and lick my wounds. I didn't though. I reached out to my girls, my cohorts and told them how completely idiotic I felt. And they, beautiful women, told me how those who were supposed to participate didn't and left me to hold the bag, having to take on their roles and my own. And when it turned into a roomful of people, many of whom I'd never seen before in a situation I'd never experienced, it was up to me to figure it out. I did okay. Not great. I thought I had the potential for great in me. But it wasn't today. Yet I berate myself. Then my cohorts started goofing off and sending me ridiculous pics to make me laugh. Thank god for them. And for a few sweet words. Thank heavens I grew up and learned how not to stay in that state. _________ I couldn't help but slip back into self pity now and then all evening. Came home and relieved stress the way I do. But damn it would be a good night to fuck or simply get fucked up. But I didn't. There's more to do. But tomorrow will be soon enough to start. Thank heavens for those who care. Pen

2/20/2017 3:28:53 PM
When there's more to do than can be done, it's hard to maintain equilibrium. These are the times I crave sex to ground me. There's nothing more base and real than pure fucking. I say I'm not a romantic. I find romantic gestures disingenuous. So often they occur early in a relationship, too early for a partner to truly know me. Love then is more an impression they have formed rather than anything to do with me. And as I meet older men who understand how difficult it is to find both kismet and lives that can intermesh, I trust early expression of emotion less. There's something more REAL about a heartfelt "I really LIKE you". Than hearing I love yous on date two. See, I have the idea that I can fuck and be really good friend to a partner. Activities, dinner, road trip meets...laughter. And go off to the bedroom and be fun and silly and totally open and receptive to each other. Yeah, there would still be the do I leave after he cums or spend the night iffiness to it. And heaven knows whether to be mannerly and do breakfast or not could be awkward. But I just think there could be this warm welcoming real friendship with the guy I choose to fuck. Pen

2/19/2017 8:05:55 PM
Thank you darlings for your input. I'm craving some input of my own. The hard thick kind of input that makes me scream and beg for more. So I've been bad. And it feels so damn good to be bad again. I worked my ass off today so I could fuck a particularly fine thick cock. He knows I like surprises. And as he's more nurturing that I, he started with a beautiful massage. On occasion I would let my hand drop to slide along his hardening cock as he made his way around the massage table. The surprise? A perfectly lovely long vibe penetrating me next to his cock. I've never met a man who could stay hard with vibration but I have now. Can you imagine how impossibly hot and utterly full a sensation it was? I had to remind myself to breathe. For a perfectly respectable girl, I'm certainly not at all behind closed doors. I begged the man to keep fucking me. Grabbed him by the back of his neck and kissed him hard, growing "more" into his ear. It feels damn good to fuck and be fucked again. I need to do more of this. Pen

2/16/2017 8:41:52 AM
So 50% of men over 50 at some point have erectile dysfunction. Hey, it happens to women too...the mind is there but the body doesn't always follow. My question is guys? What is the best way for a woman to handle it/what to say if she's given it a good try (Bj and all) and you're taken care of her best you can? It is stop and cuddle time? Or "hey, let's come back to this later?" Or if it's a hookup, just get dressed and go? You tell me. Pen

2/14/2017 12:25:47 PM
I am not a romantic girl. Valentines makes me shake my head and say "please don't." Going out for a prix fixe V day dinner when I know kitchens are all in the weeds and not at their best...nope. Balloons, cute little bears, heart shaped doo dads...please no. And I can't bear red roses unless they're growing wild. Okay...well...maybe those heart shaped boxes of chocolates. I like boxes but not the chocolates. Now if that box was filled with nipple clamps and a vibrating cock ring, then we can talk... I'm guilty of buying those chocolates myself. Nothing makes a child smile bigger then coming to breakfast to find a heart box in his/her place. And even teens hug their mamas on a day that begins like that. I observe the more commercial holidays in small ways since I still have children in the house and it matters to them. But boy, oh boy, this one just seems to create expectation and pressure. I was wiser and more economically minded this year. No more hand made local chocolates when the Rite Aid will do. A row of men lined the card aisle, some in work boots and a sweatshirt, some in suits...all looked pensive as they kept pulling, reading, and replacing cards. I never really looked at it from their point of view before. But having been married, I know what it is to be a woman with expectations that she won't voice. The guy tries but somehow falls short because frankly, we women can be mean as hell and not very appreciative if you can't read our minds. I thank heaven I'm past that. I FELT for these guys and the pressure compelling them to try, knowing that half the time they're not going to be appreciated for what they did do but vocally reprimanded with sighs for what they didn't. Ladies, cut them a break. Relationships are filled with ambivalence. That I know only too well. We love them at the same time we can barely stand him. And if you stayed in for the duration and are married, even if your relationship sucks...cut each other a break today and say thank you with a smile. Then tuck whatever hideous pink/purple/red thing your guy gave to you, poorly or unwrapped, in a drawer. And remember it's hard for him too to keep trying but he did. I heard from CW last night. I've not seen him for a few months, unusual since we are both locals. But the night before V day, all us singletons can get a bit maudlin and reach out. Scotch on his part also did the trick. He's a dear friend. And a rough fuck which I enjoy from time to time. And he worries about me since he's one of the few who knows all the players in the drama of my legal action. He needn't. But I like that SOMEONE feels protective of me. I miss having my Gran who would take on all for her granddaughter. Fierce old lady. I love the fierce ones...So as far right and blustery as CW gets, I appreciate him looking out for me. And being one I can bounce the business of my life off of. He's a pretty good rough fuck too, but I need a proper date at present and a guy to treat me like a lady before I let him treat me otherwise. BC is still around, looking for BBCs for he and I to share. The idea of it sounds appealing when I'm horny, masturbaing 2 + times a day and need stress relief. But then getting to it invariably I find the process a turn off. My sexual bucket list doesn't have a lot on it. Food play. DP. DV. And a new one...I want to fuck a drummer and use his drumsticks, mallets, or brushes as part of impact and sensation play. But all are a bit complex and take planning I suppose. It's just...the idea is so often better than the reality. It's fun and it's good. But I am left generally feeling empty and untouched at the level I want. He is convinced of the L word with me and it makes me avoid him. Too much, too soon and too much pressure. When I say "I love you" it is deeply meaningful. And while it comes easily when I am with my family, it comes less so with a significant other. I'm not a romantic. The closest I get is pillow talk and affection after fucking. It bothers me when "I love you" is used as a valediction. The more one throws the phase out there, the more it dilutes meaning for me. And that bugs me in someone I'm considering for more. When I say it, it's pure and in the moment and real. I should find a way to fuck soon. But these days, finishing work and having time to just BE is just about as satisfying as a few great big O's. I chose to spend my V day making my children smile and taking time to visit an old friend who is back home from nearly a month in the hospital. He's about 85 and like me, he has suffered loss. But he & his wife never had children and his family has passed. But the man is a fixture in the community. And such a good man. He was adopted by a family of quakers, was a hell raiser in his youth, but found his way through college and served his country. He never forgot those who helped him along. And has sought to help others along as he could in his life. The result is a man with no blood relatives but a neighborhood of family. He is loved and revered the way we don't usually do in our country. So he's blessed even though he is still alone. It's not easy for me to find time but for this guy...I come into contact with quite a few elderly people in my work at times. And to me they are all my grandmother and it's my opportunity to give to them what I couldn't to her living so far away. It's simple. Listen to their stories. Be an appreciative audience. Show up. Bring something little. A tiny box of truffles. Lasagne & turkey meatballs from the Italian deli. Or a real chicken pot pie for a cold night. A magazine. Or just bring yourself. Lean forward. Ask questions. And even better ask advice. They've lived longer and seen more than I have. And the ways of people really don't change much. I only hope someone listens to me and gives me hug when I'm a little old lady. Pen

2/8/2017 8:12:08 AM
I read my last entry and ugh, I sound like a brat. But I'm going to leave it up to remind myself just of that. I'm stressed, horny & venting. Pen

2/7/2017 2:41:43 PM
I'm going to complain for a bit and sound like a beyotch so stop reading now if you'd like to avoid it. My libido is in overdrive as usual. I wake early to give myself enough time for penetration w/ a toy before I start my day. Problem is I can't cum from masturbation much. It's calming and I love the feeling of fullness, but it's a poor substitute. Perhaps I've been spoiled by the parties I attended over the year. Multiple cocks are so fabulous. And I crave that level of attention and pushing my boundaries beyond what I thought I could take. Now I know there's BC and his lovely big cock. And he's open to indulging me. That works and doesn't for me. Given my desire to explore, it's great. Yet I'm still old fashioned enough to wish to be utterly possessed sexually by one man. BC is available. And I wanted to fuck today quite a lot. But I find myself avoiding him and feeling pressured. The pressure is my own perception. I said I wanted a man who wants me more than I want him. And that is what I've gotten. But...I know I fill a role for him and I don't think he really sees me as an individual. Ultimately we are incompatible in our approaches to family, finance, spiritually, and goals. We are both positive and kind people (he is def more kind than I) and share a similar libido. Our age difference is significant. I've dated men a decade plus older than I before and I enjoy them. But I'm 51 and middle aged. Ten years older is old. I've got crow's feet when I smile and I've lost an 3/4 " in height. But I'm moving fast and have no intention of retirement or slowing down until I have to. He still works some but his life is a bit too quiet for me. So okay I'll say it, I'm bored. I want to explore and he's trying to indulge me there sexually. But it's how I live, not just sexually. When I have time I want to go to do or see something I haven't seen before. He did mention Paris but without intent. He seems enthralled with the place. I've been several times and I really don't like Paris. But then I've done enough cities to last me. I've found my niche is to find a neighborhood, a smallish town with charm and decent services on fresh or salt water. I explore and dine and talk to people and learn how locals live. And I try it out for size. My work will give me the ability to work mobile now and then. I crave to live like a local in small seaside towns, the FL keys, gentile little cities, and mountain stream side towns. There's too much still to try out. And I am not so set in my ways except in how I wish to treat others and be treated back. We tried a bi guy sort of, BC & I. A threesome. I crave to try DP/DV. It wasn't the most successful experience for me. Mostly because I didnt' get what I wanted. But it was certainly not bad. The invitee had a great time. But ugh...I'm losing interest in exploring the bi male mentality. It doesn't phase me and I encourage those who desire it to keep exploring. But I'm finding so many bi guys are married and lie about it. And then there's a component of those who lean more towards men than women who find a woman's vagina grotesque. I'd thought BCs bi friends would be fun and open. But instead they seem judgemental and dysfunctional. It's the first time I've felt judged by my status as a straight woman. And you know what? I don't need to take that. BC wants me there but then doesn't seem to sleep when I am. He is not remotely kinky. I keep swallowing my words. About his diet which is filled with carcinogen filled smoked meats and cheese. I appreaciate the same but for him it's a staple over a treat. He is overly careful when he walks, with his words, and in his approach to me. Or he is over the top and makes me uncomfortable. Because he is so in and I am less so I've become more distant and tell him less of how I really feel because most of them it is the direct opposite of his views. Or I do and then drop it because there is no agreement. Two people certainly don't have to agree, but he's thinking I'm his long term life changer. And I'm not. To me he's someone I enjoy and hope to have as a friend. So I find myself again in the same place I was with CW...wishing we could be FWB. Simple. Mutual needs. Fun. There when the other needed a friend. But damn it's hard to tell a guy that when you know it's not what he wants. I'm 51 and I know what I want. A social friend. A companion. Lots of sex. And a sounding board support for each other. But I certainly don't want marriage. And I don't want to take care of anyone else. And I want someone who wants to DO and explore. It gets tricky when you're pretty happy as is and your life is progressing rather than slowing. I'm actually thinking of younger. Below 40 younger. 20s is ridiculous, but someone who is working towards goals and who relishes the time to let loose and get me like I can get him. Plus there's the sexual potency of younger men. Pen

1/28/2017 7:17:00 PM
I heard from Franco, my protector from parties I formerly attended prior to BC. I'm told I'm missed. I can keep a room laughing when the stars align for me. It surprises me still as I'm naturally an introvert and shy. I know, I know...how can that be when I talk of all and sundry here? But frankly, people exhaust rather than energize me. And I begin to crave alone time. My restorative time is solo. I was pretty enough in my youth to attract attention. And although I crave it on one level, it also is very uncomfortable for me. Sexually I lose myself and am very free. That's about the only time I feel ease at attention. But we can all learn skills, even social ones. Interacting with folks on the autism spectrum has taught me that. Maladaptive coping skills, social consciousness, emotional intelligence...all are teachable. Mind you it's not an easy learning process. But it can be done given time. With me i needed to develop skills fo help others I cared about. I give all I've got to those I love. And sometimes I'm driven to do it simply because there's a need and I can meet it. I'm compelled to nurture in that way. But equally so I am protective of my self. I don't fall in love easily. And I sure don't trust many beyond myself. Some of that is a leftover from betrayal which plays a refrain through my life. I wish I were stronger and that loves who lied didn't change me. But here I am. Even with BC the other day, I noted 2 of everything in his dish drainer so he'd had someone to dinner and possibly fucked them. Is it true? IDK. But now I'm rather more vigilant. I'm looking for a reason to see him less as I become surer about our basic incompatibility, so that's part of it. And I don't think the man sees me for who I am, but more as his last ditch effort at a LTR. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy him. I appreciate his positivity. And his nurturing nature. New in a male for me. Sexually there's great chemistry. But sexually I had great chemistry with more than a few guys. Admittedly, I don't have time for him. But what really tells the tale is that I don't want him here in my home. I don't want to share my bed. I'm happy to be at his place. But I feel no need to integrate him into my life more because he won't fit in. We have completely different politics, relationships with our respective children, and ideas about leisure. It extended to how we want to be perceived by the world. Some folks are fine being out. I'm more private. I want to be perceived as a damn respectable girl next door with an occasionally wicked sense of humor and a do'er. My sexual exploits I share with y'all here and transparently with anyone I am sleeping with. But no one else needs to know unless my experiences can prove helpful. I prefer anonymity. To me, that's part of the appeal of going more colorful sexually. The freedom from conformity. And sharing that with a man who appreciates my utter respectability who finds it hot at how very sexual I am and how adventurous we want to go together. There's great pleasure in walking around the next day and feeling soreness from impact play or hard fucking. Or shifting in my seat so my bra doesn't press so hard on tender nipples. And of course, in a monogamous relationship feeling his cum leak from me and coat my thighs when I'm sitting at my desk. And then there's pillow talk. I'm a tremendous fan. Pen

1/25/2017 5:28:34 PM
I made time midday today to see BC. He is a skilled masseuse, so he invited me for table time and quite frankly I needed more therapeutic touch than otherwise. Though I knew we'd get to the "otherwise" as well. The man does put forth effort. He keeps his house colder than I like so he warms it before I came. And the massage room was so warm that I WANTED to take off my clothes. Clever man. He kept his jeans on. And when I asked him why he said I'm less distracting when he keeps his pants on and he can stay in therapeutic mode. That makes me grin...I needed some hands on. The usual places I hold my tension have shifted with a new work space and different furniture that is far from ergonomically correct. But you make do with what you must. When he began to get more intimate I reached for his cock. I remain inordinately pleased when I hug a man or brush by and he's rock hard. He eventually unzipped for me as I could have lazily stroked him from the table for a long time and I think his libido began to kick into gear. I am always surprised by his cock. Invariably when I haven't seen him for a time, it feels bigger, thicker and girthier than I remembered. Is it naughty to want to spend time with him primarily for his cock? He's good. And I went a long time controlling my o's but then moisture just began to seep from me, o or not. And I figured if I'm going to get messy anyway, I might as well let myself cum. He pushed me and I encouraged him back. So much so that I screamed so loud one of the neighbors might have heard. It came on me that fast and that sudden He gets a kick out of my response. I'm not a quiet girl in bed. And I'm vocal and naughty. I'll beg for more and to be pushed. And to be made to take all her has. And that's just what he did. Pen

1/21/2017 8:38:31 PM
A proper date this evening. And with BC no less. I could manage a couple of hours this week for him, tha's all. And suggested he come local to me. Thai and red wine and conversation though it felt awkward at first as I find much of his conversation self aggrandizing. "When I led...". "In Thailand...". "You know...". "Yes, when I...". Too many "i"s. But then look at me here spilling my self indulgent journaling thoughts...purely subjective even though I may try to sound more factual by throiwing in the occasional big world or two. I'm just as full of hot air and ego as he is at time. I'm certainly quite self focused about what I need to do, what I want, and who I choose to give my time to. It was nice though. A proper dinner date. I love such things. Even with new guys. The conversation and leisure and oral satisfaction works in combination to leave one warm and relaxed. Even without the cock part. I assured him we'll get to that eventually and when I do let loose, it'll be to excess. Buy oh, it was nice driving hone though my old neighborhood which is a little less frou frou than the towns closer to mine. I took the beach drive home and the road wa empty, all the venues closed for the season. But instead of seeming bereft, it was peaceful and quite quite beautiful even with the mist creeping in. I couldn't wait to get out the stockings and heels and bra. I keep on my war paint with the vague thought that perhaps I'd FaceTime an old interest. But I won't. Pj's and my Mr. Roger's cardigan I change into when the house is a bit chill downstairs. Candles lit ont he coffee table steamer trunk. I moved the fancy candle holders from the dining room in to light the leftover beeswax tapers from the holiday since they just sit and gather dust with no one dining more formally these days. And it's beautiful. I've left up some color and my desk has a bouquet the cats haven't eaten yet. And now my big Tom cat has tucked himself against my hip, purring and snoring in the same breath and warming me. Petting him, he feels as soft as a bunny. But a vegetarian he is not...I appreciate fierce creatures who can love deeply at the same time. Rather like my daughter. And occasionally myself. My children popped in before I left with electronics for me to fix. I have some skills, but mostly I call my techie god friend after not being successful with the message boards. But I am determined to find the solution to this one myself. Making things better and fixing things is part of my calling as a parent. Though sometimes I have to restrain myself to give my children learning opportunities from the consequences they bear. I'm enjoying my home more than usual. Generally around now, without traveling, I get cabin fevery. It sure would be fabulous to be somewhere green and warm. But this is cozy. It's the first winter in a long time I've had reliable heat. This new boiler is really a gift. Has I less to do, I'd want to get naked. But I'm saving it as a reward. I'm making myself earn my pleasures. I'm a girl who needs to be motivated and nothing motivates me quite so much as cock. So best get back at it and wash off my war paint. Pen

1/20/2017 5:58:51 PM
It's back to back due dates and pressures. In many ways I think I'm better when there's so much to be done. Certainly mine is a mind best occupied or it will find nonsense to occupy itself with. I feel some guilt as I know I've caused BC to feel like he's not a priority. Having fought to be a priority for too many years myself in my marriage, I regret being the cause of anyone else feeling the same way. But what I do now secures my children and my own futures. It is necessary. And it is a choice I must follow though on. There will be time again, but the next 10 weeks at least will require take out meals, girding my perfectionist tendencies and letting the dust accumulate, and the time I do have focused on my family. We all get it. I'm very close to a goal I've been working on for years and I'm not going to let anyone or anything screw it up, especially myself. Sex is on the back burner. Odd for me given my view of o's as necessary for stress release. But health wise, my family has all been ill over the past weeks. And I've had some challenges of my own. But then I'm of the age when hormonal shifts occur. And certainly this is one of those times. I finally started bleeding today and these days it's like saying hello to an old, if sometimes inconvenient friend. But generally it's with relief when my period appears. I grow teary prior. And during. Not so much sadness, though I do want more space and peace. And am certainly reactive. But physicallly I just find myself weeping. It would be crazy making if I didn't have the empirical evidence of my cycle to say, "Oh, THAT's it!" Some how bleeding for a week validates those emotions and their physical symptoms that otherwise leave me wondering what the hell is going on with me. Quite a few men tell me they "don't mind" period sex. Admittedly I can be extremely horny during. But I don't want to do the laundry. And truly it's just not as much fun. O's are not really o's. Moisture isn't really cumming. And my sensitivity instead of being arousing, is more uncomfortable. I want to be with easy people. Those without excessive expectation. Like my family. Who understand when I say I need some time in my chair with heat and massage and would someone please make me a cuppa tea? And like this weekend, a quiet house with sleeping cats who tuck up to me the minute I am accessible, purring loud enough to fill the room. My big old Tom cat is truly a wonderful creature. And even one of the females waits for me. I comfort them for the loss of their favored children on these weekends away. And they know instinctively when I need them. I'm tactile. When I'm with a man I stroke him incessantly. And he feels adored. I need to touch. Whether it's here with keys and a touch screen, or folding laundry, or stroking a purring cat. I seek sensation and restfulness. And right now I seek privacy too. For weeks things have gotten in the way with BC and I. I've made efforts. But I'll admit I also want the break for more reasons apart from the lack of time I have. He's really a lovely man. But he feel for me too quick and too deep. His compliments are overkill. I feel like he has no idea who I really am. And our interaction these months have been largely in a bubble. It's all sex and a little food and the occasional dinner guests. And that's great stuff. But darlings I'm bored. The bi party was a good time out, but it was meaningless. Just sex and an opportunity for him to express himself without fear I would reject him for such interests. But I seek adventure. And yeah, I get bored as all get out without switching things up now and then. The thought of the same ole same ole leaves me dreading getting together. Even though the same ole is quite nice. There's a world out there. I haven't much time for it at present. But when time grows shorter and even more precious, I get more careful how I spend it. Last weekend Ground For Sculpture had an amazing ice sculpture demo. Cold for sure. But omg, what a wonderful cool new experience for my family and I. Never seen anything like that before. And there's a world out there to experience more of. The thought of living every day the same way fills me with dread over satisfaction. I want a challenge. I can handle challenge. That's most of what I've had this past decade. My damn debit card was compromised yesterday and I had to solve that today. My transmission blew two days before Christmas and I just got the car back Wednesday. My pipes froze. All of my children got sick. If it can go awry, it usually does in my life. The blessing there is that true tragedies are few and blips on the radar can be dealt with and move on from with little upset and more inconvenience. And I learn how to handle a boatload of sh*&. Always good to have skills I'm thinking. One of my oldest friends is in the hospital and I worry about him. My problems are fixable. I could use them happening less often. But it's not stuff like that which frustrates me. Incivility and disrespect frustrates me. And dishonesty. And now I'm preaching... Half a bottle of wine. A mini steak. A mini peach pie. And a little baba ganoush. Candles lit. Sleeping cats. The good holiday linens still on my Hemingway table where I study. And a crazy cool bouquet of ginger blossoms and other tropicals since I cant go any place warm, I have to bring it to me. And solitude. And the LL Bean fleece sheets I got myself for Christmas last year on the bed so there's no need to steel yourself and catch your breath when you first slip into bed. It's cold and rainy and a nor'easter I'm told is headed this way this weekend. But all the shades are closed and the new boiler turned up. I even put a little oil radiant heater behind my chair to keep my little writing corner warm. It'll be a working weekend. But I am happy after my travels of last one to be here. I am beginning to crave being solo more than being a pair. And okay, I'm gong to say it. Our 14 year difference that didn't seem like a big deal at first, is seeming more like a basic incompatibility. I find him too often resting on past laurels. I don't discuss what I've done, but what I'm DOING. But his life is very different. And I can still giggle after a few margaritas and run up the stairs daring him to chase me. But he won't chase as he's more deliberate in his movements at his age. So I'm beginning to understand the appeal of cougaring. The energy and joy surely. Of course it would likely be another guy who hasn't really DONE anything. I'm interested in how other interact with the world and others and how they live. And so few people seem to engage. It's more than positivity I seek now...it's an equal level of vibrancy. Energy. Joy. And ease. Pen

1/10/2017 6:22:21 AM
I'm told it will warm today. But at 17 degrees on my drive it doesn't seem possible it will hit 50. I left spigots open and streaming in my sink and claw foot last night to avoid a repeat of yesterday morning's $300 frozen pipe uh oh. Of course at my age it means more frequent nighttime visits to the bathroom as the sound of water made it's way through my dream state. And cats taking advantage of the tap in the clawfoot, the thump of cats jumping in and out of my tub all night has added to my temporary attention deficit and sleep deprivation. So I'm playing hooky here for a bit to clear my unfocused head. Naughty girl cyber shopping and journaling here. I'm finding it hard to believe how long it is taking me to recover from the excesses BC and I partook of Saturday night and yesterday. Usually I bounce back quickly from sex, even an excess of it. I feel like a brat saying it, but a hung partner is a delightful thing. Though I'm not sure if it's my aging or his big cock that is responsible for the continued swelling at my core. He reaches deep. Taking him again yesterday after the half dozen times Saturday night into Sunday, I felt swollen in places that I don't recall ever feeling that sensation before. It's what i want of course. But I've always recovered so fast in the past. So this was a surprise. Usually the swelling of my puss after a few extended sessions of play works to please both my partner and I. My sensation is all the more heightened as the walls of my puss hug his cock tight. And well...most cocks like a hug. But it was actually a bit tough to take yesterday. I did anyway. I did find I hurt last night. Tingling swollen southern parts, neck and shoulder sore from getting pounded so hard from behind, and my nipples aching. Even today I'm all too aware of the rub of my bra on nipples and wish I could have gone without. But I think even fabric would be stimulating. The funny thing is that it's still exciting and makes me crave more. Even though I know taking it wouldn't be as good as the idea of it at present. My libido remains a low hum in the background. My mind needs more engagement to drown it out and let me focus on something other than my desire for cock. Pen

1/9/2017 7:21:10 PM
Truly it's always something. This morning some of the pipes were frozen. Given all my various plumbing and healting mishaps, you'd think I'd know what to do. But that's a new one for me. Fortunately they froze rather then burst. Several hundred dollars later, I'm thawed. BC was feeling like I didn't want him here. He's half right. So I invited him to come by today for lunch. Did I mention I hate cooking? It was simple and I CAN cook, it's just I do it so much that I don't enjoy is as much. Two loads of dishes a day some days is just exhausting. I miss going out, which I love to do. That's an element of the relationship that doesn't particularly work for me. I love his home and he's a fabulous chef. But even food and wine and sex can get a wee bit stultifying it that is what you do every time. A movie? Dinner out? A museum? Well we nearly did a museum but his idea of Spanish paintings and Asian art don't quite mesh with my tastes. We have a different aesthetic. Now that shouldn't really matter after dating mostly men who wouldn't be caught dead in a museum. And we have very different politics. I've always thought myself apolitical. But I'm discovering a conservative core in response to his liberal views. I've friends on that side of the spectrum as well and usually I just stay silent. But I sense a common arrogance in attitude that sets my back up. Proclamations of how healthcare needs to be free and implications of care in this country being substandard. I don't find it substandard, but it is expensive. Ideas of discussing sex openly with hiis children only to find him backtracking as to what he meant was no substantive content. Discussion of how his wealthier friends enjoy him because he doesn't discuss money...though he mentions their money and clubs and how he helps them to everyone else. He is intellectual. And disses those of us who are productive and focused on making money. While at the same time talking about how much one needs for retirement. He supports a son who is about to have another baby, so he can write a new age book. And encourages college majors in things like theatre and poly sci so more of us can join the ranks of indebted college grads who can't get jobs. I'm a pragmatist. And I value the people in my life more other achievements. But I also value resources. This is a world that takes resources to live in and to protect and care for your family. So yes, the man annoys the hell out of me. He pontificates and has opintions about much, but what does he do? To me action is the true test of one's words. Pen

1/8/2017 7:15:09 PM
Mmmmmm....a good night. BC and I haven't been communicating particularly well so we had a tiff last night. Being snow bound in our respective homes didn't help the licentious weekend we'd planned. But eventually the plows came and I drove to him. I prefer his place on weekends. As I don't live alone and want to permit my family access whenever they need it to their home, it cramps one's style as far as screaming o's and orgies go here. He does live alone in his charming home, so I prefer there. I've always preferred a man's to host. My close friends tell me it's because I like to be the one to leave... He's charming and hard to say mad at. He couldn't stop grinning to see me after he was mad as could be a few hours earlier. And quite frankly a man who sits me down at his table with margaritas and Mexican steak is impossible to not want to fuck. I'd hoped for rough and tumble make up sex, but he really doesn't do rough. He can fuck hard and deep, but loss of control happens rarely. Of course that makes me push his control even more. And there are times I get under his skin sexually and make him utterly needy to fuck me. To me, there's nothing hotter than a man who can think of nothing but getting inside of me... And so he did. I'm sore and swollen and very happy about it. I can't even count how many times we fucked. He woke me up all night to slide back into me. I did wonder if viagra was a factor, but I don't think so. I was feeling enameled of his cock, a significant asset, and couldn't really stop caressing, massaging, and using my mouth on him. I had him buzzing to cum and on edge so many times. And a man who begs to fuck does wonders for a girl's ego. I am surprised. Very much so. He's 14 years older than I. He offered to help me shovel snow. I told him a man his age shouldn't be shoveling snow. To which he grinned and shot back a "fuck you." We both laughed. Ha! Maybe it was a challenge. IDK, but I've never been fucked so long over and over again. He can only cum once in 24 hours but the man can get hard over and over again. Such a gift. I don't understand why it's so much fun for him to make me cum incessantly. I'd think he'd be done after making me cum a few times. But he wasn't. It's extraordinary. So much fucking. I'm a pretty simple girl. I just like to fuck a great deal. And that is precisely what he gave me, then made me hydrate, tucked me in, holding me close and keeping me warm...until I felt his cock thickening again...I truly enjoy men who are this enthusiastic and kind. A well fucked, Pen

12/26/2016 5:23:20 PM
I appear to be a rarity in the world of sexual swinging in my penchant for bisexual men. I know y'all straight men feel your asses tighten at the thought, but seeing bi men together has long been on my bucket list. There's something far more masculine and primal to two men together. They often don't need the softness of foreplay that most women need but get down to business. And heavens, they excel at sucking cock. I'm always looking for learning opportunities and men together is such a one. I took BC to a bi party. He's been hesitant to share his bi side with me as it's proved a relationship ender in the past. The women he has dated always know he has been with men, as he is quite open about his bi nature. But I suppose knowing and seeing are different for some. I think watching him go sub has decreased his masculine appeal to women in the past. I understand dichotomy. Especially the need for those of us with a brain that is rarely quiet to go deep into a physical role. To feel so much that we cannot think. I adore that sensation. It's much like rope to me, absolute zen... A bi party is new to me. I know some of the crowd. And like 'em. I'd hoped for men performing oral on each other. And maybe I thought I'd see a man being fucked for the first time. I did manage to see both...the latter I was too close to the action to get a good view, but it's lovely watching faces as people are fucked. BC and I were fortunate as two of the bi men in particular were darlings. One had the biceps I adore stroking and a joyful open attitude. He had a particular fine ass that I caressed and complimented him on. Someone fucked him, but I was occupied at the time so I didn't get a great view. The other was a man out of uniform...you know the type and how vulnerable I am to the cop/military types. This guy was tall and not as fit, but such things don't matter as much to me as attitude. He did have the most beautiful thick cock in the place and BC secured him for me. I watched them do oral on each other without a qualm. It's was more a clinical interest as I remain fascinated at how much more cock they can each take orally. Far more than I... and I'm pretty good at it. I thought I'd be more observer than participant. But that wasn't the case at all. There was a great deal of mutuality. And I so enjoyed watching BC. Not one qualm. IDK what the man expected. I enjoy watching people have sex regardless of whom they choose to do it with. It's fascinating. He asked me if I get turned on. It's not so much that with me. It's more a learning opportunity. I'm equally as fascinated to learn how other people live and manage. Sex is just a way fun social option we have... I do appreciate having a protector of sorts. I am overly nice and don't always know how to say no to men I don't particularly want to fuck. BC can fill that role. He's a cock snob, but I suppose most bi men most definitely know what they want. He wants big. He is big. As I want the same, there is a mutuality to our desires. He has offered to extricate myself from my more nurturing nature when it come to fucking...and that is precisely what I need. A good time...and I'd thought at the beginning of the night that I'd misplaced my libido...but it came right back like a boomerang. Pen

12/22/2016 5:18:08 AM
Well, IDK...things are going wrong right and left. I guess that always happens, but right now the amount of times I'm on the other end of it seems disproportionate. It's like a paperplate. The structure holds if don't pile too much on it. But add that proverbial straw and it all collapses. And I feel on the verge of collapse. My instinct of course if to keep a low profile. Stay home. Wait for it to pass as if it were a storm cloud following me around. I seem to have misplaced my libido as well. I"m finding BC's references to sex and his cock silly over hot. In the midst of yesterdays mess when my car broke down and I'd of course forgotten my cell phone (which ONLY happens when I really really need it), he wasn't my go to. It was CW. Now he wasn't around either, but I knew he has my back still as I do his. We are friends. And both usually very capable people. But at present I don't feel very capable. Though I suppose I am. I have backups. AAA for the car. So at least it could be towed. Even with the extra miles, I could manage it. I'd paid all my bills the night before. Feeling a bit easier that I'm managing to pull off Christmas and be responsible. It leaves me with little at present with still expenses ahead. And I figured I'd make it. But now I have a a heaven knows how big car repair ahead. My hope is that I can drive the rental they got for me (after I dissolved in tears) into the new year as I'm as certain as a non-mechanical girl can be that it's the transmission. And hopefully covered under the power train warranty. I know these are fixable problems. And there are many out there who have issues without a fix. If I think about personal concerns, I am often overwhelmed. I see what can go wrong. It's always been a particular crazy-making skill of mine. It took me a long time to find a profession that I can channel that into. And even longer to learn to compartmentalize and stop seeing everything that could happen but hasn't in my personal domain. Part of my problem is that things so often go wrong that I expect it. I wonder though if it's a self fulfilling prophecy and I attract fucked up situations. I certainly attract complicated. And for a simple woman I do complicated well...until it gets TOO complicated and I want simple. I managed at last to light the tree that has sat dark for 3 weeks. The cats thought it was a present for them. Of course I waited very late and half my lights were burnt out, but I'd remembered the new pharmacy was still stocked with white lights. The tend to go extinct this close to Christmas. I managed to wrap enough. And calm my fears that my children didn't receive equal quantity and quality of presents. It's balanced enough. And the one with fewer understands that one of his gifts was a bigger investment so he has less in quantity. I haven't enjoyed it. Usually I do. And put lights outside and it's just happy. I'm pissed at myself that my positivity has taken a nosedive and that my emotions are just messed up. I have children in the house and it's christmas. That's the best of times. And they're nice and grateful people. And here I am the grumpiest grump... I think on holidays the pressure, financial and otherwise, of having to make it all happen as a single parent just get to you. There's a refrain in my head of how unfair it all is. Thought unfair isn't the right word. I know it's good. I was able to figure it out and make it happen after several months of worry. There's even a few special food items to make holiday dinner. Not what my son wanted, but he's a flexible kid and they all know what things cost. And I'm on track. I think that we have these images of what the holiday is or is supposed to be. Whether it's media or reading too many books, I buy into the old fashioned family coming together of hope and tradition. Most of us know our families arent' so retro wholesome perfection. Mine's kind of close since I am old fashioned in most areas other than sex. Well some of the time we get close. Other times I'm a screaming banshee... But right now I'm just emotional and blue and feeling a little overwhelmed. It's all on me. And I'm capable. But I'm just so damn tired. Bone weary and sad. Pen

12/20/2016 5:21:12 PM
Do right. I'm going to keep trying to do so. Part of my conception of doing right in my life it to maintain transparency with intimates. I do believe you get what you give even if it doesn't seem to apply with my ex. Although if I'm truthful, even when I'm trying to be respectful and kind to him, I'm still finding the man contemptible. And I got to that point when I was married to him too. That's not good for anyone. But I get tired of pretending. And I feel like I have a team behind me when those who know me and the history most reiterate what an asshole the man is. Because truly, so often, the craziness of his actions and reactions simply make no sense. I don't think I can be kind to him at present given the manipulations he uses to try to control me. But I don't have to engage. I can just keep my distance beautifully. One word of advice was to grin and laugh when he throws his monkey wrenches into my life where he will. I am going to manage to pull of a very expensive month with Christmas, even with my cutbacks. I paid my bills today. And got my leaky tires fixed. And though next week may be tricky, my little family and I will manage. It's a great relief. Time is still a limited resource, but that too will change for a wee bit. I've found myself less sexual. I was stressed as hell over the weekend with a big deadline Monday. But it's over and there's less on the horizon for a bit. And though I didn't perform with excellence, I did perform good enough. Think a B versus and A. And good enough in this world and showing up get you ahead in most of the silly games one is compelled to play. Now for an equally good enough Christmas weekend. Simple is going to be the key. And no fancy food like it used to be unless Acme puts something ridiculously on sale. But I'm listening to what I've learned for folks here about living simpler. The box store I hate far less now that I get how much I get for the money and how long my larder stays full. I've also found a new fresh wonderful cheap Chinese takeout that is replacing my fancy pan Asian or Thai takeouts. Watching them make hot and sour soup with fresh grilled ingredients was an eye opener...and I could live on that alone... BOGOs are smart at Acme in the meat department. And fish! I've pounds and pounds from the children's trips. So we will manage just fine when funds get thin. There's stress ahead and I have to try not to think about it quite yet. Not until I have the full picture. January may have me scrambling. Sex is less a focus at present while details are. But BC and I have a date soon. I've cancelled on him twice and he's handled it well enough. I've actually grown fairly satisfied with my toys now that I've added ass plugs to the mix. I still have that DP fantasy but it takes training to indulge such things and that's what I will hopefully aim for soonish. The new year has always been a time for me to indulge my fantasies. And somehow Jan/Feb has always been a time I've met rather wonderful partners. Whether that will be with BC or not remains to be seen. I put things I can't have out of mind. Compartmentalizing was difficult for me to learn, but learn I did. That includes cock. Or men I've wanted and couldn't have. Or men who were temporarily unavailable as BC was in his traveling. But then I'm unavailable too. And he's far more romantic in his conversation than I. I'm all about action with him. But then he's all zen. And I'm pragmatic and earthy. His truisms seem contrived to me often. And I want real more than vague spiritual advice. I live to experience new things. It could be cock. It could be kink. It could be a new restaurant or museum. Or it could be hearing music I've never heard before. The thing it all has in common is that it makes me step out of my comfort zone. It's hard. But in doing so I feel alive, my brain feels free, and I just grin all the time. Quite frankly, that's how I want to live. And I admit it, I do get bored by the same ole. So it's time to push a few limits. Maybe some of 'em will be sexal. And than I'll have a lot to say here... Be well people. And be warm. I have heat! And I'm so grateful. Pen

12/13/2016 5:25:09 PM
I am trying to model better behavior than that of my ex is towards me. I tell my children, just because someone treats you poorly doen't mean you should do it back. Though really the high road chafes. I'm really far more the down and dirty street chick of my youth, even though I ended up living in Mayberry. Roles placed on me by others and conformity bug the hell out of. But when one has children, and you want them to have friends, well...you learn to fit yourself into he necessary social contructs. Today I struggled hard to stay positive. Technology failed me. Shit rained down from the ex. And one of my children has far too much testosterone coursing through him at present to be respectful to me for long. And that, disrespect, is my kryptonite. I go from 0 to 60 in seconds and am itching for a fight. I can tamp it down and have a few personal protocols I follow. Like not responding to my ex for 24 hours. Now here's the kicker. My ex's car breaks down outside of my home a few days ago. I should've left him cursing at the curb. But in the effort to do...oh, IDK what...model kindness to my children...I go help him. He started disrespectful. I held my phone above my head and told him I certainly didn't have to help him if he would like to continue. An apology and so I made a call. And yes, the man did say thank you. But then it's back to biz as usual. I need to learn to do right because that's how I want to live. But not to expect others to share my code or to reciprocate. I do expect the best of people much of the time. Expecting the worse, most will sink to that. So I try to believe in better things. But I wonder if Pollyanna'ing it is serving me well. I do know this. I am happier. And I don't take the bullshit shoveled back at me personally. It still pisses me off. But I can get past it. I simply refuse to give anyone else that sort of power over me. I wonder if I should change my status from "switch" to "Domme." I can, at very few times, be vulnerable. But I rarely let others tell me what to do for long. Though I ask those who know more than I in their areas of expertise plenty of questions. I suppose I don't mind taking on a submissive role sexually. A slap or two on the ass I barely notice. A little pain, well, I get the endorphin rush. But giving and receiving pain is less what I'm about unless it is what a partner needs. I'm about personal growth, mine and my partners. And adventure. Oh I need some adventure.... Pen

12/10/2016 9:46:29 PM
I'm feeling closer to BC and grateful.   I've sought in recent years to indulge what I've called "my bad girl side."  Really it's self judgement in using "bad."  It's simply I want to be sexual.  Basic.  Real.  And nothing bad about it at all.  But I still retain a few of that good girl training from when back when it was "bad" to not be a virgin, to feel desire, to want a cock, or hell...to want a guy beyond thought.   These days it's not a guy I want so much as the fucking.  Though I am very connected to BC and certainly desire him.   

I took him to a party.   Hosted by a man I know who has his charms and is bisexual, though that was not evident at the party I attended.  I expect after we left things might have taken a distinctly masculine turn.   I hadn't planned on it.  But I was home, feeling better, and with blessed time to simply be a woman.   And quite frankly, as an over 50 woman in her age of invisibility, I wanted a bit of attention.  So on with the pretties and stockings and off for a drive.  

BC did reach out with a text.  Our original plans to get together had changed and I simply knew I needed more last night.   But he didn't text until I was already on the road.   I told him I was on my way to watch people have sex.  And if he wanted to join me, he could.   When we returned to his place later, I saw he'd left his bourbon undrunk, clothes and shoes 
higgly piggly all over the floor, half eaten dinner place on the side table.  In his perfect house it was clear just how eager he was to join me.   And oh, I enjoyed seeing a mess.   When I asked him, his response was unequivocally positive.  He said "If I get time with you, I will always say yes..."   Now that is a lovely response.

So despite my notes on protocols to get straight and rules of engagement (as much as I hate rules), we just went and did it without much negotiation.   I did ask him if it was okay if I indulged in other cocks.  One or more or whatnot.  And he refused to put any limits on me.  Clever man.   I just asked that he cover the admittance.   He is a classy guy and that I enjoy.    Though he definitely dresses better than most straight men I know...

Y'all want me to get to the good part...and it was good.  Shades of cuck, but not.  As BC is socially adept and open and willing whereas cuck put all the responsibility on me to get him where he wanted to go.   And I wouldn't in the end take him there.   I don't think cuck will ever be joyful or completely happy.    I did love him very much for a time.   But I think in retrospect, that relationship was preparing me for this one.   Cuck was the first to celebrate my sexual side.   And encourage me.   But like many of my relationships in the past, my libido became a performance pressure for him.  I hope that doesn't happen with BC, but it might.   The man is remarkably sexual at his age; even though he is in his 60s and I know better, he never fails to surprise me.   His knowledge of my body and my orgasm cycle astonishes me.  He said this morning when I asked him why he continues even after I cum that he knew I hadn't finished riding that orgasm wave.   And the man was right.  

I cum a lot.   Big o's, little o's, g spot o's, a few clitoral o's, squirting o's, non squirting o's, o's from breast stimulation, and my new favorite...post sex aftershock o's...and btw, I fucked two BBCs, lovely men, last night.   And for a bi guy who knows cock, even BC admitted these were extraordinary.  One so thick I could barely get my mouth around him.   Exquisite grooming.   Exquisite texture.   Just a work of art.   And the other young and impossible hard.  The latter was harder to take.  Cocks that hard and long bottom out.  And I beg for it all, even though I know better.   But I'm a greedy one in the midst of fucking.  And vocal.  I beg to be made to take every inch...and generally that's what I get.   Grin.   

The whole time, BC, held me.  I actually started with showing off his cock.  He's beautifully endowed.   And one of the few men in the room who felt comfortable with his own proportions given the two BBCs.    That I admire.   He is secure in himself.   Mostly.    He was darling.  As were the BBCs.   Then a rather beautiful bi man, joined us on the bed to give my breasts some attention and my clit.  I think really he was more interested in getting a closer look at the BBCs, but he was charming enough to do it well...beautiful man.   BC was fun too, he can generally tell if a man has been fucked.   So our conversation over who likely is and who likely is not was delightful.   

Still I got insecure post.  He knew I would and insisted we talk in my car before driving the 30 mins or so to his house as we'd traveled there separately.   I got tears in my eyes, wondering if he saw me differently or worst or as a slut.  Now "slut" may apply but I wish there were a less pejorative term.   I prefer "ethical slut" like the book of the same name.   But what I choose to do is open and I do believe in transparency with my partners, even when it is hard.  BC was supportive.  And I was grateful.   We spent the night in each others arms, he fucked me silly, and we got to be each other's alarm clock.   And I left feeling reassured and grateful.   

It is a wonderful thing to feel accepted completely and not caged in.   Now we'll see of course how well I handle it should he want to indulge.  Though this far I've only encouraged him to as long as I can share it with him.   But I think I would have difficulty sharing him with a woman.   IDK though.  I realized I'm attracted to one of my cohorts just the other day as we walked out and I found myself checking out her ass.   Now she's young and positive and caring and african american.   Her skin glows.   I don't know if I have an attraction to other races necessarily, though I'm a sucker for BBC.   But the only two women in recent memory I have been somewhat enthralled with have been black, young, wholesome, positive, and completely themselves.   Rounder bodies, full busts and hips, but not anything I'd consider BBW.  Yet decidedly not thin.   Beautiful and womanly and able to tell it like it is.   I don't if it's attraction or admiration.   But there's an appeal for sure.

Tonight I miss the man.  And I'm going to for once permit myself to miss a man.  Usually I shut it down.  But his heat and love and knowledge of me are such good things.   And he celebrates and wants all of me.  He can't have it all, but oh my...there's something fabulous here.

Pen


12/8/2016 5:09:26 PM
I really wanted a curry night up north with Darling Dom this evening, but I've been ill. And remain so. Thank heavens for frozen tikka masala and samosas. Not the same, and I miss the company, but a little spice can only help me fight this upper respiratory infection that has laid me low. I've done nothing BUT rest and it's still hanging on though I knew it was flirting with my immune system for weeks. Tomorrow I have to put in an appearance no matter what so lets hope I manage it. BC invited Darling Dom to join us for dinner at his place. He is a charmer. IDK if meeting the bi man I'm dating gives all the straight men in my life heebie jeebies or not, but they've got to feel some hesitation I'd think. Not that being bi means he's going to make a pass at everyone of any sex...but for those of us unfamiliar with bi culture, myself included, it's a thought that passes thru our heads...It likely won't happen in any case as I expect to still be under the weather but it was kind of BC all the same. He's also invited me to bring the chidlren for dinner. To that I said no. Three months of dating is just that. And as interesting as his house and conversation is, there is no need to involve my family unless I decided it's serious and he may be around for awhile. It is a connection and a good one. But there are still too many unknowns. I've yet to see his bi side in action and that will be necessary for growth. Men who cannot be transparent, even when it's hard, do not have the self acceptance and maturity level I need. I'm not okay with half a person in a relationship. Now if it's just fucking...well, a decent cock, some stamina, and a wee bit of charm are all it takes. I hadn't looked for nor wanted this level of connection. But given our surprising similarities, it seemed worth exploring. And I am drawn to new experiences. This is certainly that. There are things about BC that annoy. As I am sure there are things about me that do the same. He IS pedantic and talks too much at times. And he is not as pragmatic as I. He is a romantic which I, as a woman, should love. His flowers, I do. His language strikes me as too much sometimes. Overkill. I prefer a man of action over words. But I suppose I'm a woman of words so maybe this gives me a taste of what I am like to the action men I prefer. His age is a concern. We are in different places. And this bi/gay culture of some of his friends feels exclusionary to a straight woman. That pisses me off. But I've stood back with his friends and been more polite than real. That might change. Especially with his bi'ish male friend in the religion industry. That man just pisses me off. I know he is threatened by my presence in BCs life, but his coping skills seem like that of a sullen adolescent over a 70 yr old educated monk. But perhaps men who have chosen to live under an authority, religious or otherwise, their whole lives, don't follow the normal developmental curve most of the rest of us do. A small life lived deeply is different than those of us who have chosen a broader approach and experience. I began to be concerned about bisexuality and non monogamy. I'd chosen to be relationship free because I could explore my own sexuality without spinning my moral compass the wrong way. I see no reason singletons can't fuck who they want as long as they aren't promising anyone otherwise. Technically if you're conservative christian it's still fornication, but not adultery. Fortunately my religious views are not so codified. I've always sought monogamy in my relationships in the past. That's why I thought it was a relationship. Someone chosen over others. And clearly in a marriage fidelity is understood unless an alternative is negotiated. Key is of course a mutual understanding. I don't know that I want to give up fucking multiple cocks. It pleases me and meets my needs far more than one. But the intrinsic rewards of a relationship...the comfort, extended social network, ability to explore less mainstream sexual practices like DP/DV/fisting and the like, and care...its lovely. And the ability to talk of the little bits to one's day is grounding and connecting. But I've never even considered a non monogamous relationship. I'm possessive. I'm a better cuckoldress than a swinger. I'm happy to fuck multiple men but I do not want to watch my guy fuck another woman. Getting a bj, now that's fine. I've yet to determine if it's cool with me if my guy is with another guy. Oral again would be fine I think. But I'm damn possessive about fucking. I think I wouldn't mind him being fucked. But idk if I'd want his cock as much after being in anyone else's asshole. Mine is fine if condomized, but there's a basic distaste for others. I'm told BC is more a bottom than top. Which concerns him if I were to see. As in the past the one gf he let view him as such thought less of him post. I've never thought less of a male who could take on a more submissive role. These are usually the men who can be ever so alpha in life. And I love those sorts. I'd just prefer to be the vehicle who takes him there. Not that I need to fuck many asses these days. I'd rather watch than deal with the mess and concern that I maybe hurting him. But to stroke him and verbally tell him to take it. Or to kiss him or have him perform oral on me while he is getting fucked...there's an appeal there. Mostly I want to watch his expression and be verbal. VERY VERY verbal...that's what's hot for me... We'll see. Much to discuss and bring to the light. And I just need to get well. Pen

12/5/2016 5:01:37 PM
Well, well, well...a post that finally posted in my last one. Excellent. Getting to the bottom of a dark and stormy, typing at my Hemingway table, while my aggressive younger son and big tom cat lie asleep on the couch nearby. Candles are as close as I get to a fireplace. And these short days call out for flames. Yes, I continue to date BC. No, he is still not moving fast enough in sharing his bi side with me. So I've told him we are attending a bi party and we'll see how that venue works. I did manage to go to a new party group a few weeks back. A few were familiar to me. A very few of the woman were a bit gossipy in a corner, including one I'm told doesn't like my presence. I suppose as a straight woman in a world of bi women, it might piss someone off that I'd been occupied with the men instead of sharing and giving more. Well, I'm going to attend one with BC as a couple, something new to me. And I've never been a fan of swinging relationships. Still I'm curious enough to see bi male interaction to push my own limits. Of course my role in the past has been very free and very single...BC encourages me to continue that course. And to use him to say no rather than my usual over politeness which leads me to fuck men I'd prefer to skip to be polite. We'll see. He's nothing like Cuck. Well dressed, sophisticated, intellectual...and he still adores me. The man does talk too much. But I've plenty of my own faults too. I do adore his cock. He's endowed. Thick. Rather fabulous. It's something to be with a man who's appetites mimic my own. He doesn't have my capibilities. Of course as a woman I'm capable of nearly endless o's. The male body isn't as generous with o's. Though he still manages to be harder than one would expect of a man his age. He doesn't always cum though. I did make him one day much to his surprise. That was rather lovely. But I want to make him more. But male capabilies of orgasm decrease with age. They can still get there, but not always. My focus on the o is not really fair. He pleases me on multiple levels. But I'm learning he's not always going to cum even if he manages to stay hard over and over again. I just find the male o the pinnacle for me. So I miss it if it doesn't happen. And I adore watching or even better, feeling, a man cum. But oh, he does take care of me in ways no one ever has. It's new to me. Delightful. And though he isn't quite as adventurous as I, he will let me lead him where I need to go. We'll see how what is ahead goes. I am carefully avoiding discussion of monogamy. Though there is an emotional and clearly a sexual connection. We will see. For now, I remain grateful. It's been a very long time since anyone has nurtured me. It's just different, this connection. I don't need much when we are not together. But when we are I lose myself in him. We've explored areas I haven't had the best experiences in the past. The man has skill. And intelligence, both real and emotional. I am truly enjoying what there is. Pen

12/5/2016 4:40:56 PM
My posts seem few and far between. I've lost quite a few of them as the site speed has dragged and my words just disappear into thin air. I'm far more interesting and have more to say when I'm unhappy rather than when things are going rather well. Though really it's not that it's all going well, but that I am rather used to the parts of my life that lack resolution. And I live my present well in the meantime. I am conscious of my blessings. A rather interesting house. Far far better now with a consistent source of heat. And much more affordable as well. I've managed to reduce expenses greatly, finally having succumbed to box store quantities and negotiating with other providers for better deals. Though hard to find storage, I'm finding the need to shop less a great relief. And BJs has