I've been thinking about how music and my life always find parallels. At times, when I am able to vocalize how I am feeling about something, I find music to speak for me.

When I think about how it made me feel when He told me that he was choosing a different path than one that involved the lifestyle (me), He thought.... I thought, "wow- he's going to really miss me when I'm gone." And then I heard this song again and started singing it and would laugh to myself knowing that while it is His decision to go by the way of a different path, he sure is going to miss me when I'm gone.

And then, when I think about all of the walls I have built up over the years since my 8 year ownership that ended when my Dom Alex passed away suddenly, they seem insurmountable. It would be impossible to even attempt for the meager and weak of spirit and heart, to attempt to break and crumble down my walls of the tower I have built. I've been this way for so long it takes no effort for me to just block out affections and attention and let people in to see who I am behind my walls. And in many ways this song provided some comfort in that. I thought "Yeah, I do have those." Maybe someone would want to know me, climb my walls and break them down from within while holding my hand to give me confidence through their confidence and strength through their strength. But I have to be willing to not turn my back on that.

But my happy song... the one song that makes me get the silliest grin on my face and almost feel guilty for feeling so much of this song. Submission is much about what is in your nature, the animal within. Everyone possesses the capacity to embrace whichever side they fall on. There can be blurred lines in the lifestyle. But OH MY GOD when I heard "you're a good girl" that made me smile so fucking big and I realized how much I miss being told that. I miss being told "You know you want it." "You're my nasty girl." So there is a secret hidden behind my smile when this song comes on overhead at work. This song has a parallel meaning on a darker side of who I am.