Some people say BDSM is complicated, but I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you could even do it with both hands tied behind your back!

Bada-bing.

I've decided that I suck at describing myself. I like writing, so you would think I could come up with something insightful. The best I can come up with is "Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs," but that just seems derivative to me. Plus, my name isn't Olaf. Although I do kind of have his nose.

So, besides warm hugs, I like tacos, Toyotas, and TPE. Well, I can live without tacos and Toyotas. I'm typing this as I'm eating a crunchy taco in my Prius, but that is neither here nor there.

I guess if I had to describe myself with one word, it would be indescribable. I feel that word best captures the essence of myself while being vague enough that you can read into it what you will. Why yes, I served in the Foreign Legion, speak 17 languages, own a yacht, cry at weddings, knit my own blankets, completed astronaut training, and own a Prius. You are not going to believe this, but only ONE of those things is true! Can you guess which one? Nini, siwezi nadhani ni ipi?

Now that I think about it, I'm a pretty serious person. Not really much humor in me, so if that is your thing, I think you need to find a different Olaf. Besides, my humor is dry, and sometimes inappropriate. And frankly, some people just do not get it. The other day, I took it upon myself to give my sub a new safeword. She did not seem to find it funny that I chose "harder" as the word.

So, I'm new to this whole BDSM thing. I mean, I have been doing it off and on for 30 years, but I just found out BDSM doesn't stand for Best Damn Sexy Man. Pretty disappointing, since every time a woman would tell me she was into BDSM, I thought she was giving me a compliment. Really kind of makes me want to just spank her ass hard and make her cry. But then maybe she wouldn't be so into the Best Damn Sexy Man anymore.

Back to describing me. I'm an influencer of sorts. Not on social media, since I only have two followers. Shoutout to my daughters! No, but really, I find that when I'm holding a leash that's attached to a collar, I can seriously influence the direction a person goes. Who knew?

I'm as old as dirt. So unless you are into calling me Grandpa or totally okay with me posting pics of my knitted blankets on Facebook, maybe you should be in a similar age group as me. At the very least, you need to know Jenny's number. And be able to recite it intelligibly with a ball gag in your mouth. Or any sort of object in your mouth. I'll let your mind go where it may with that. Hi, I'm Olaf, I like warm hugs and blowjobs.

If you have read this far, you are probably wondering if this was written by AI. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it's true. My real name is Anal Intruder, but I go by AI. Anyway, how can you honestly believe something this witty could be written by AI? Anyway, how can you honestly believe something this witty could be written by AI? Anyway, how can you honestly believe something this witty could be written by AI?

Sorry, glitch in the programming. Back to human programming now. Yes, I'm real. I'm a human with issues and foibles and stinky farts just like you. I hurt, I smile, I laugh, and I smite with my mighty penis sword. Well, let's call it a dagger. Okay, it's a pocketknife. But size is not important; it's how I use that mighty pocketknife for the betterment of humanity. I shall smite the fair maiden that dares to take it on. If that doesn't work, I do have a nice leather belt.

To summarize, basically I'm looking for a human. Preferably female. Ideally still breathing. Maybe not too smelly, with eyes and a mouth. I'm not picky about legs or arms. I will have to insist on hair. There is nothing more disconcerting than trying to yank on a bald girl's hair when she's shouting, in the throes of passion, "Pull my hair harder, Daddy!" Also, you really must have a sense of humor. I insist. Or at the very minimum, a sense that you could potentially have a sense that something might be humorous in life.

Well, I have to go, the new phone book's here and I want to see if my name finally made it in there. Intruder, A.