3/8/2015 1:06:24 PM: A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn (Written by DarkestLight) ========================= Know yourself... entirely. It is important that you know who you are as a person, including your strengths and your weaknesses. It is important that you fully understand your personal views on life and relationships. You need to be aware of the investment you have placed in your current relationship, and be able to anticipate what you are or are not able to offer to any additional person. Be honest with yourself about your desires, and capabilities. Be a whole and healthy person. Know your partner(s)... entirely. In the relationship you have established, it is really important that you all feel you have accomplished an utmost healthy and loving connection together. You need to have a steadfast and wholesome relationship, that is well founded with honest communication. Enjoy and delight in one another. Be on the same page... entirely. Before you consider adding anyone else to your relationship together, brutally and honestly communicate about what this means to each of you. Discuss short-term desires verses long-term ones. Discuss how involved in your lives you wish for an additional person to be. For many couples, having a play partner and extracurricular “friend with benefits” type is most ideal, and for many it would simply be far too overwhelming to have someone involved in their lives 24/7. It is perfectly acceptable for you to recognize your ideal situation... it is necessary. Also, be aware that bringing someone else into your relationship will not solve or fix anything. It is simply not the answer to any problem, unmet need, or personal kink. Developing a relationship with another person will require work on both of your parts, regardless of whatever depth each of you choose to have with this person. It will be harder, not easier. You are dealing with a person, not a toy. Get to know any new person... entirely. As with any new person in our lives, often there is an initial time period where everything just seems wonderful. As we all know from our long-term relationships, things do change in time as we get to know one another, and not necessarily in a bad way. It is really important that you approach a new person in your lives with respect, and that you go through the natural and normal processes of getting to know one another. There are no short cuts that work. Invest in this person as you’ve invested in your primary partnerships, especially if you intend for them to be a part of your lives for a significant time. Be honest... no matter what. Honesty does not make you less likely to attract your ideal addition... but misleading them does guarantee they will not stay. It is really okay if you are still exploring together, and trying to discover what polyamory means to you, but be open at where you are at. Be real about your experience levels and your expectations, interests, etc. Be yourselves... always. Put down the masks, facades, and fantasies. Your true self will always unveil in time anyway. It is best to have a true and pure beginning. Even if you wish to give a certain impression, or feel less than confident about various aspects of your personality or physicality... there is no substitute for “you”. Any person who you desire to have in your lives for a relationship or even a friendship, needs to like and accept you for who you are... nothing less or more. Causing them to fall for a facade is guaranteed doom... we can only put on the image we want for so long. Don’t make commitments you cannot or are not willing to keep. Broken promises are lies, and it really is that simple. Be realistic. Be prepared to accept the responsibility for the implications of your words and actions. Mean what you say and say only what you mean. Love is a strong word. A collar is not jewellery. Get to know one another well before even considering commitments. Establish a human-human relationship before you involve BDSM or D/s. We are all people, first, foremost, and always. We have all had individual journeys. We have our own perspectives, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires. We all deserve respect, love, security, peace, friends... we deserve the right to have our trust earned, our hearts won over, and our selves appreciated. There is just so much to a person. It is so important to know who someone is as a person, before anything else. What makes them laugh or cry? What do they like and dislike? What is their favourite colour, food, tea, author, place on earth? These mundane, silly little things are a part of every one of us. It’s important to know, because owning or controlling another person demands you be intimate with them in every facet. Take the time to make it last. Friendship is a a priceless foundation. Establish healthy boundaries... for all. In polyamory, there are multiple relationships and varying dynamics happening all at one time. Every person within has a relationship with each person individually and all of them together. The more persons added, the more complex it all becomes and the more time must be invested to maintain the relationships. However, it is of utmost importance that you take time for each person individually, understand the necessity for your other partners to have time together without you, and especially that you take time alone for yourself. Have realistic expectations. We all hope for happily ever after. This is true within our every relationship and friendship. When you have a wonderful primary relationship and so much love that you want to share it and encompass another in this beautiful thing you’ve created together... it’s a lovely sight, for sure. But it is also unrealistic to expect to fulfill the every need of one another, or of any other person you involve in your lives. Many unicorn types are very polyamorous in their nature. Expecting them to love you and no other is a recipe for failure. Be open to their needs. Be open to your own needs together and apart. Be open to necessary adaptations, changes, and growth. Be aware that jealousy will happen, as well as other feelings, and must be worked through in a positive manner. Have a trial period before any of you commit, and understand what everyone expects. This is especially important in establishing what “type” of polyamorous situation you’re desiring. Many couples seeking Unicorns want poly-fi, or a closed triad. Some of us want the same, but some of us do not. Discuss options, such as establishing the current relationship between all of you and then in a certain time frame considering adding another if you all agree. Find what works, but everyone must have realistic expectations, respect for one another, and commitment to the relationship at hand. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate!!!!! We all simply must be able to connect, on every level. Especially intellectually. We must have common interests. We must be fond of one another and have a desire to build healthy relationships. We must be able to talk about anything and everything, including the hard stuff. Talking builds relationships. Silence builds walls. Have references. This is a very good demonstration of character, and sets you apart. It is a sign of sincerity and positive intention, as well as maturity in relationships. It establishes a safety zone. It lets us know that you’re experienced, and that others have had positive encounters with you. If you are polyamorous and involved in BDSM or D/s, having references for all of these is ideal. Of course, you may ask them of us as well and we recognize the importance of them. However, there is much more danger when you’re outnumbered... both physically and emotionally. Now, we understand that ex’s are ex’s for a reason, and that relationships are private affairs in general. However, it is important for us to know that you haven’t, for example, had 20 something Unicorns trickling through over the last 5 years and a pattern of bad endings. An acceptable alternative would be people in the community who have witnessed over significant periods of time your actions in relationships and in the community. How you live your life, and the people in your life, are naturally a reference to your character without needing a specific conversation. If you live in integrity and honor, this will be apparent. Understand Polyamory and be committed to it. Read books on Polyamory! Get involved in the community, and with poly groups. Learn from every experience. Like everything else in life, we must gain knowledge through study and wisdom through experience. The psychology and dynamics of polyamory are complex and intense. It is immeasurably important for anyone seriously participating to have a foundation and educated perspective. Taking on multi-faceted and multi-dimensional simultaneous relationships without this, is equal to wielding a whip you’ve never touched before on someone you just met. Dangerous. Respect lives, and hearts. Have your life/lives together. You shouldn’t be pursuing anyone else or adding anything else to your life if it isn’t. Your relationship needs to be stable, to a tee. You need to have your household in order. This doesn’t necessarily mean owning a house. It does mean being in a stable and comfortable situation with your jobs and finances. The fact is, money and jobs are often a point of stress in relationships. That stress issue needs to be resolved before you bring anyone else on board. We understand and agree that in a polyamorous household, everyone should contribute and we don’t by any means expect to be supported. The issue is more in line with you being able to support yourselves. Bringing someone on board because you need another person to contribute financially and you feel it will help your household stabilize, for example, is not a positive situation for any additional person to come into. No relationship is on good footing, of any sort, if you “need” the other person. You need to be okay, financially, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically... before you involve yourself in a relationship. Same with us. This gives it the best chance for all of us. Be prepared to meet the emotional needs of another person. As complicated as it may seem to add another person into your lives and your current relationship(s), please realize that it is oh so much more to take on for the person coming into your lives. You are each learning one new person, while having the security of your current partner already, but this one person must learn multiple people at once and take significant heart-level risks without pre-existing support. Coming into an established relationship requires personal strength, bravery, audacity, self-awareness, and a genuine desire and passion for polyamory. We need your support. Understand that relationships are different between different people. Hearing any phrases remotely similar to “You must treat us equally; submit to us equally; have an equal relationship with both of us” etc. cause many a Unicorn to withdraw. All relationships are different, and while we understand that all primary partners need to be respected and a relationship with them each individually is necessary, we cannot humanly guarantee exact equality in love or submission. However, we fully understand that at no time is there an excuse for us to disrespect or mistreat anyone. Clearly we have chosen a polyamorous relationship, and if we at any time no longer desire a relationship with one of you it is likely a cue for a graceful exit. Make sure you are compatible for the long term. Sometimes love just catches us by surprise. We find people that we really desire to have in our lives, and we think “forever”. The truth is that none of us can, humanly, promise forever. Sometimes love is amazing enough that it’s worth making incredible sacrifices for. In most cases, we cannot truly be happy or fulfilled unless we are having our needs and desires met. This is why getting to know one another is so very important. What are your life goals? Dreams? Educational pursuits? Are there family commitments or conflicts? If, for example, you as a stable and well established couple in a community you love and in career paths that fulfil you with family and friends desire to enter a relationship with a female submissive who is going to need to attend medical school in another state and dreams of travelling across Africa with Doctors Without Borders for a year of her internship... well, clearly there is conflict. Will a long-distance relationship for several years work for you? Finding common goals and interests is important, but if you do want one specific person regardless of their personal endeavors and needs... you must find a way to make it work in a healthy manner for all of you. Never let us feel like we are less important, less loved, or less welcome because we came later. This is the primary source of much Unicorn uncertainty and insecurity. Welcome us, be warm and sincere. Devote yourselves to us and include us in your lives. We want you to be happy, too, and that means that we must feel that we add to your happiness. We shouldn't have to wonder if you will remain in our lives, or whether we will be 'discarded' at the first sign of trouble simply because we weren't part of the original established relationship. Don’t judge based on past experiences. Let’s face it, most of us have a reason to be jaded. We’ve all been hurt, let down, damaged, lied to, manipulated, insulted, abandoned, the victim of drama, etc. All of us, as humans, tend to react to new situations and people based on the past. It would be irresponsible, negligent to our own personal health and well-being, and unappreciative of what we’ve survived, conquered, and grown from to disregard our past experiences. However, we simply must all learn to decipher. When you enter a new relationship, give them a fresh canvas in your life. They are not the people from your past. Open your heart, and take a chance. Realize that you get back what you put out. Positivity draws positivity; negativity draws negativity. Put your focus on what you want to attract into your life. Instead of thinking about everything you’ve disliked or that you do not want, focus on what you would really like and what you want. Treat others well. Live your words in your actions. Be someone worthy of the person you’re seeking. Show respect. Just because someone is not compatible with you does not make them a bad person, bad submissive, or bad addition to a polyamorous family. Talking negatively about someone and trying to convince others to avoid them is a sign of insecurity, immaturity, and interpersonal instability. Put your energies into finding the right person for you, and move forward. When a Unicorn hears the negativity, we are very likely to be skittish around you because it makes us wonder if we're going to be good enough and how you are going to be talking about us if we don't find ourselves compatible after an exploratory period. Find the good in people, and speak of the positive experiences you have in life. Things that send us Unicorns running away... Discovering that you and your primary partner(s) do not share the same desires for adding another person. Discovering that not only do you not share the same desires, but one person is either being coerced into allowing it or feels guilty over a certain need their partner has and that they cannot fulfill and are therefore agreeing. Or, the worst, a Dominant forcing his submissive or slave into a poly situation regardless of her feelings or wishes. Discovering that the present relationship(s) are not as stable or healthy as said to be. Discovering that anyone is being less than themselves. Discovering that anyone is being less than honest, open, and communicative. Discovering that your standards and ideals are adjusted for each person you meet for a potential connection, because you just want someone so badly. Discovering that you said whatever we wanted to hear to acquire us. Discovering that you are “just experimenting” but failed to openly disclose this. Discovering that you don’t really want an additional relationship... you want a free maid, babysitter, cook, sex toy, etc. whom you can ignore except to issue commands and use as you wish. Not feeling genuine warmth and connection with either or both of you. One partner consistently commenting on our lack of “equality” because our relationship with the other is of some nature different or closer and we are therefore not treating everyone the same. Having trust and/or submission demanded. Having limits pushed too fast and too soon. Insta-collars of whatever label. Unstable hierarchies. If you are both Dominant to a submissive, then in that submissive’s presence both of you should always be so. A Dominant male putting his switch partner in her place in front of their submissive is inappropriate and disconcerting to say the least. Instability, in general. Feeling that you expect instant relationship success. Hearing any phrases remotely similar to “I have the final say over everything in this household; My word is law around here; _____ answers to me alone but he/she absolutely answers to me” from either or any partner. Having to wonder whether this person will try to control the relationship between other persons or will end the relationships altogether is stressful. Consistently having to wonder whether those in the relationship are actually committed to having another person in their lives and/or whether they are committed to us specifically. Gossip, quickly taking sides, jealousy, or other exclusionary behaviours. Drama. Specifically drama within the relationship regarding us, such as fights between the primary partners about us. In any way interfering in our freedom to communicate with our friends, family, and others whom we cherish. Jealousy. It’s natural, but it really must be worked through. You saying you never get jealous, is a red flag. Insufficient communication. Negativity and pessimism about life. Judgemental attitudes towards others who have different thought processes, experiences, belief systems, interests, kinks, etc. Discovering that you don’t really have your lives together. Hearing you talk trash about others, especially other relationships you’ve been in. It makes us wonder. Rational, honest discussion is different. Discovering that you have no prior experiences in polyamory, or have never had a submissive together if you’re intending to take it to D/s. This absolutely * MUST be brought up first conversation. Very few people are willing to be a first experience... it almost always ends badly, and it takes a special person to be willing. Take the high road, and be honest. Feeling trapped, corned, pressured, or otherwise uncomfortable or unsafe. Having it insisted upon that we meet in private, rather than in public locations, within the first few encounters. One partner not being actively participant in the process. Common example: * The female partner being unavailable to talk on the phone, or “at work/sick/busy/out of town” during meeting... to the point that it’s logical to question whether the other partner exists whatsoever. Everyone needs to be involved. No excuses. Online connections that fail to lead to phone conversations and in person connections within a reasonable period of time. Discovering that you decided to surprise your partner by retaining a relationship for you and her. Polyamory: The ability and desire to simultaneously participate in loving, healthy, and devoted relationships with multiple individuals... with the open knowledge and willing acceptance of all persons involved regardless of their roles or relationships to the various other persons. This may, or may not, involve sexual connection within any or all formed relationships.

3/8/2015 12:58:21 PM: Finding a man is no easy task for you submissive ladies. Even though men far outnumber the women on kink sites, one only has to look at the numbers of unattached women and their similar complaints in postings and profiles to know it is the submissives who make up the vast majority (sorry about that, but it's true).The Internet has enabled the kink world to explode into the mainstream and greater acceptance, but it has also brought a most dangerous aspect to personal communication: anonymity. Many men (and men posing as women) are not all they say they are. Many men claiming to be dominant on kink sites do not dominate their own lives and thus have no business dominating you in life or in passion.In fact, the far easier exercise is finding out who is NOT dominant. From reading posts and profiles it seems many women, particularly the newcomers, do not understand the red flags signalling, “Beware!” New submissives have often spent many years living with their secret desires, yet perhaps they have not spent enough time pondering the psyche of the men they seek in their fantasies. Ignorance of the basic desires and ethic of the dominant can be a dangerous thing. In understanding your would-be ideal counterpart can you not only be better equipped to find your man, but protect yourself against those pretending to be such a man. All you need do is read fellow submissive profiles and journals to understand there are MANY such fraudulent men.Here are a few general thoughts that well may inhabit the dominant mind. Remember, we are all unique individuals and all have our own tastes, styles, temperament, and background. For every seeming 'rule' there are exceptions. In fact, there are no 'rules' written below, only hypothesis. The following is opinion written by one, with additional thoughts by others. Feel free to argue, or suggest additions or amendments to the text. All thoughts negative or positive are being weighed, considered, and often added to help others less knowledgeable.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will not start off by desiring you to be submissive at the get go. “Bow down on your knees for I have written!” proves only the writer knows little about submission; for who submits to man less he has proven himself worthy of such a glorious gift, and what dominant worth his beans expects submission without earning it? There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy on first introduction. Yet this approach actually does the submissive a great service: she can be almost certain the dom writing is a fraud.Though many women write in their profiles, 'Do not ask me to submit right off the bat!,' they may be better served keeping mum allowing fraudulent dominants to simply hang themselves with this approach. Remember, the more hints you give telling men what will not work with you offers pretenders excellent information how BEST to approach you. They simply change their mailings to fit your profile rather than describing their real desires. Why not simply allow them to expose their true character rather than give information empowering them to build a false persona to entrap you? Demanding submission in primary contact should be reason alone to “block n’ move on.” ('Blocking n’ moving on' is the best of Internet inventions. Women would be well advised to use this method often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short, and many pretenders revel in such conflict; it won't stop their mailings and may even make them your new Internet stalker). The dominant guy knows submission is a gift and wishes to earn that gift; he does not seek freebies. Leave the 'I don't submit immediately' off your profile. Allow the Insta-Dom to expose himself, then 'block n' move on.'-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attentions. Getting dates or laid most likely is not his problem because he is so outnumbered by submissive women. In contrast to the fakes, his refreshing voice of reason attracts his counterpart; he likes women. If a “Dom” becomes frantic, anxious, despairing, or despondent because you don’t write him back every other hour, are not shaping up to his wishes, or are getting a bit feisty most probably he has always had a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot; the bad news is that competition for dominant men is fierce.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy most often will be happy and secure in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck, financial disaster, or some slide to the bottom in his past most likely it will be fleeting for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. A ditch digger can indeed be dominant, but he'll probably be happy in his work (with matching biceps, to boot!). Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is content in his chosen endeavor.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle (if interested, that is). The dominant guy above all loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek the challenges a submissive brings to a relationship, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity, not to mention the burden of 'taking charge' of you. The dominant desires this burden because he knows you bring many gifts in return. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to the dominant man. He will be very curious about you, so much so that it will seem quite flattering. If a man drones on and on about himself ad nausea, most likely he is trying to figure out his own puzzle and will have little capacity to decipher yours.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy is probably going to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex; performance issues abound (as they do with women). It would seem impossible to control a woman if she is constantly bemoaning her lover's skill in passion. The dominant man has either mastered, became bored with, or has no interest in elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times may have left him bereft of sport in a past vanilla life, and so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind to bring you to ecstasy. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not exactly a womanizer per se, but certainly sexually advanced.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon (though it may impressive). Those who tout their toys alone might well be lacking in other departments.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant guy will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He like any other man may sometimes choose unwisely when searching for a mate, but his intentions for the most part will be genuine. The fake dom simply wishes to 'get it on' with little regard to whether the union will be successful for either partner.-IT IS CERTAIN a dominant guy will make many mistakes and have no fear admitting them (though sometimes it may take him awhile to fess up, or even discover he has made a mistake). He understands he is not all knowing because he knows he's human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit them with good cheer CANNOT be dominant.--IT IS LIKELY a dominant will rarely send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely to have one on his profile. Photographic exhibitionism is more a submissive exercise. Dominants prefer to show off what they DO to someone rather than expose their own bodies for public viewing.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not introduce himself or demand you call him 'Sir, Master, Daddy, or Lordwhosieface,' right off the bat. Instead, he will wait till YOU wish to refer to him as such. The day you do is a red letter day for any Dom; very flattering.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not beg you for naked photographs, in fact he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him unsolicited naughty pictures and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. Dominants enjoy living life their own way, and sneaking round on the sly doesn't particularly fit the mould. He would rather be in an open relationship, or be involved in some poly-union or swinging situation than cheat. The dominant guy is straight forward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached somehow most probably will be forthcoming with that information. Even if he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, more than likely he will say so; he won’t care enough to lie. If you don’t want his cheatin’ heart, he'll find someone who does.-In fact, IT IS LIKELY the dominant won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying “dom” will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. He will tell the sensualist he is not sadistic when he is, and tell the masochist he is sadist when he is not. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. Again, he’s got this ego and the blow of failure comes hard. A man who attempts to mate a woman he cannot handle or cannot handle him is desperate. He will vie for ANY WOMAN caring little for true success other than “I got her.”-IT IS LIKELY a dominant man will at least make his best attempt to use correct spelling and grammar when writing (But we all make typos and grammatical mistakes when writing quickly). Appearing ignorant will be repugnant to him even if he is no word smith.-IT IS LIKELY the dominant man will rarely become angry or enraged when initially communicating online or in person. He is easy going; live and let live. We all get angry at times in relationships, but if some guy is badgering you or yelling at you during initial contact, or is constantly cornering you in mind games where you cannot win, most probably he is a fraud.The dominant man MIGHT be a laugh riot, and MIGHT bring both intensity and humour to his D/s world. The man who feigns only a visage of seriousness may indeed be a man to avoid. With wit comes intelligence and proof that a dom does not take himself or D/s too seriously. All these are good qualities in a dom. Why can't D/s be fun as well as intense? There are many who find this combination mandatory.-IT IS LIKELY a dominant will not be ham-handed in his approach during initial contact. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once fuzzy. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominant gets off by watching you soar not fall. He longs to make you blossom under his care.-IT IS LIKELY after a period of communication, the dominant man may become protective of you, even if he does not feel he is right for you. He will still hope that he can help in some way (if he has the time).-Even if he is new to D/s, -IT IS LIKELY the new dominant will have no problem admitting his novice state and not carry on like some Lord from the seventh century. He ventures here for knowledge and opportunity for quest, NOT for conquest. He may indeed thirst for a partner, yet hungers more for knowledge. (Some say that two newbies exploring such a venture together can be the most beautiful union of all; they may have a point, but the new dom faces the greatest of challenges: those initial steps. He is not right for many, and hopefully he knows this.).-IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY IF NOT MANDATORY that a dom will have no qualms with you getting advice from sources other than him. Most likely he will point you toward many places where you can gain more knowledge of the lifestyle. He may even introduce you to other dominants and/or submissives (always good to have submissive friends both new and experienced to bounce ideas around). The dom who wishes to isolate you from others, from knowledge, and particularly from family and friends is to be given a wide berth. The only way he can remain dominant over you is if you remain ignorant and totally dependent on him for all information and communication. Knowledge is his enemy, for those knowledgeable know he is a fraud. Ignorance is your enemy. Beware the isolationist!No doubt there are many more attributes and red flags to beware of, these are but a few. It seems to me that in general dominants are more focused on subs and what makes them tick then vice-versa. There is far more information about submissives on the Net and in books (women write about their feelings more than men). Yet understanding the dominant mind not only will make it easier for a woman to please her man and empower her to understand her opposite but equal place in the union, it will also provide the best protection from those who wish to harm her (or bore her).Many dominant men need and thrive on challenge and this may be why some enjoy jumping from one woman to the next so quickly; it is the easier challenge. The dominant man may well have many short-term lovers, but eventually that challenge will grow dull and he will long for more. The dominant has a healthy ego yet will at times come across as humble. Challenge equals risk and bring mistakes; you cannot have one with out the other. Taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling endeavour. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though he longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.A submissive is truckload of challenge (just ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has ventured beyond the norm into a realm of risk, and passing across the abyss where anxiety lurks and footing treacherous, he breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because in risking he has earned and deserves such devotion. If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life or with his woman, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, it is a fair bet to say he has no business taking on someone as gifted, precious, and courageous as you.LAST but perhaps MOST IMPORTANT:Unless a submissive finds her kink early in life, many submissives spend years (if not decades) in secret fantasy. Venturing to kink sites is often more calling than adventure; a calling a submissive can no longer deny. Once exposed to the kink world, seeing the sites, hearing the stories, a woman becomes empowered knowing she is not alone. The initial onslaught of suitors makes the improbability of actually experiencing fantasy in some near future suddenly very possible (hooray!), and sometimes this euphoria causes a new submissive’s fervor to double or even quadruple...…And all too often, this enhanced fever makes a new submissive forget all the dating rules that took a lifetime to learn.Compared to the vanilla world, dating kink often takes a back-assward approach. Unlike vanilla, D/s practitioners often (if not always) expose sexual and sensual needs before even meeting; the lists of fetish in profiles are used as calling cards to match up like-minded suitors.“Hello, I’m a sadist leather, Daddy Dom.”“Pleased to meet you, I’m a latex-loving cum-slut, how do you do?”Just because the kink world often eschews the mores of vanilla daters, doesn’t mean we must throw the baby out with the bath water (more metaphor). Vanilla dating has many wonderful rituals that have taken decades if not centuries to develop, and many of these are well worth the exploring before 'playtime' comes a callin'. New submissives often overlook these customs, and after meeting and chatting over the Net, it might be best to go back to square one.For instance, you might wish to try:-Actually MEETING the man socially before showing up at his door, stripping then falling to your knees. Though some may find this kind of anonymity to their liking (particularly wayward doms on the prowl), the written word, or telephone call still falls far short of an old fashioned face-to-face encounter. Nothing can replace physical chemistry, so why not meet for a drink, some coffee, take in a movie, hold hands, walk on the beach, spend a day in the park, have a first kiss, or any other “boring” activity to see if you both have that elusive and most important kink quality: True Compatibility.-Speak of topics other than sex, whips, and chains. -Find if you enjoy the same things, have the same tastes, like the same music, or movies, or art, or gardening, bowling, Parcheesi, or water sports (no, the other kind!)-Find out about his other life: Does he enjoy his work and do co-workers enjoy him? Where does he work (is he Googleable?)? Does he have passions other than kink? Does he have many friends? Does he get along with his family? Even if your possible mate is an orphaned lone wolf who works at alone at home, see how he treats others out in public: is he kind to waiters, bartenders, children, dogs, rodents, or any other living thing? Is he charming, affable, or at least tolerant of others, or is there a reason he lives in a secret world, a reason not so very nice?-Find out if he is as funny and brilliant in person as he was over email; you won’t regret it. Funny is big on everyone’s list of “good” dom attributes.-There is theory that if the dom has spent a decent amount of time in the kink world that you may get references from others about his character. Yet like vanilla counterparts in passion, many doms practice their kink in private and do not attend munches, -parties, or socialize in any D/s group. This does not mean they are fakes it just makes them...private. Yet both the ‘out’ dom and the private dom should be met in public; some place where little things like clothes are mandatory. It is entirely reasonable to request a dom to meet and get to know you before you are naked, bound, and he holds a flogger in his hand, don’t you think?And if a dom rejects or suggests doing away with such old fashioned courtship, perhaps another might be better suited to your tastes…and safety.-Yet most of all, try and calm the fervor that builds inside (we all know it’s difficult), and instead be guided by your common sense; your innate ability to judge men long before you take that next step where you will be so deliciously and dangerously vulnerable. If you are a horrible judge of character, perhaps an accompanying friend might make a valued third at a first meeting offering you a second opinion.Even if you prescribe to all suggestions and find a dom that embodies many of the qualities described above, you may still have a bad or abusive experience (it happens, and not only in the kink world). Yet if you take certain precautions described here and elsewhere, you will cut down the odds of having such an experience considerably. You don't want a bad experience; just read some of the horror stories on kink sites by unfortunate submissives to understand why.Take a cold shower, calm down, be smart, remain sane, read, learn, listen, and be patient. It is your best defence against being abused, or having a lesser experience than desired.-Take your time. Know your dom.

3/8/2015 12:30:26 PM: How to spot predatory behaviourThis is thanks to Wykd Dave who wrote this earlier and gave me his permissions to post his writings, on here and our slave rescue site,I think they need to be read by all not just newbies coming into the scene by other as well. This is by no means comprehensive but it does include a few of the more obvious  warning signs of predatory behaviour off the top of my head. Attempting to isolate you from information. Attempting to isolate you from your friends. Attempting to prevent you from talking to experienced people within the scene. Ignoring limits. Being told that you can't have limits. Being told that slave contracts are legally binding. Telling you that theirs is the only true way. Extravagant and unrealistic claims of experience. Stories changing and becoming more exaggerated. An attitude that there's nothing for them to learn. In a way it's a little depressing. I've been into kink for more than 20 years now and I can remember people talking about predators when I first found the local scene. The advice I can give and the signs to identify the predatory time are little changed in all that time. From since before the internet (if you can believe there was such a time) the cycles of human behaviour have remained much the same. Here's a link to the original post

3/8/2015 12:26:37 PM: Self-harm Lately self-harm has come up in a few small posts and is affecting a few of my friends. It’s something I’m passionate about in that I want to help others that self-harm. I used to blog frequently on informed consent about it, and want to share my knowledge and advice on here hoping it will help others that don’t self-harm understand why people cut themselves and to help those that self-harm seek other avenues before picking up the instrument they use to cut. Self-harming is a mental health disorder. To explain why most people self-harm is hard for a lot of people to understand, The best way I can explain it is that those that self harm do so because they cannot process emotional pain and stress, for example, sexual abuse or even the hurt from a breakup of a relationship The emotional pain builds up and up so much so that whereas crying is a release for most people, that doesn’t help a self-harmer that pain just keeps building up, and the only way they can get a release is to cut, by physically causing themselves pain they can find the release they need when they see the blood flow it’s like the pain is rushing out of them. It’s like a big sigh of relief a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders. But it’s not just about cutting some self-harmers make themselves sick rather than cut, by sticking fingers down the throat and throwing up it’s throwing up the pain With self-harming, one is so full of bad emotions that the only thing they can do is to cut yourself to release that tension. When you are that low down the last thing you thing about is seeking help you need. You have an urge to do it, it helps, it makes you feel better even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, but then you feel so ashamed for what you have done it’s almost impossible to seek help, you can't seek help while your that low down in case you get knocked back further, you can't seek help when you are so ashamed thinking people will judge you. You can only seek help for it when you're feeling better. And then you're feeling better so you think you don't need that help. It's a case of swings and roundabouts. Self-harming isn't about gaining attention for you; it's a way of making you feel better, if only for a fleeting moment. Most self-harmers are too ashamed to admit they even do it in the first place, to get them even to talk about it is a major step. However they self-harm whether it's by constantly throwing up or by putting knife or scissors to skin, and cutting, Self-harmers often hide themselves away to self-harm they do it behind locked closed doors and barricade themselves in, because they know what they are doing is wrong, but they also know to do it is to get a bit of peace of mind for a while some space to breath and because locking yourself away you also know your hiding you can't be found out and you can't be stopped. Ways that can help you can't stop someone from self harming but you can help them to find another release from that pent up, emotional hurt or the hurt and pain they are feeling inside, and to support them while they do it, you can't always help a self harmer, but by being there for them and giving them a shoulder to cry on helps. Going to be a big empty open space and screaming often helps as well, it's another good way of getting rid of those emotions. Self-harmers often have trouble admitting they need help or talking to others, so being a shoulder to cry on, or being there to support them and instead of picking up the knife, razor blade, scissors etc, get them to call you first. At least that way they then get to think about something else for a few minutes and the need may pass. I can't guarantee it will pass but it will give the self-harmer something else to focus on, Being able to write things down is often another way of helping to get rid of the pain, even if you don't send the letter or email to anyone just writing it all down you can sometimes get it off your chest and stop yourself self harming. Write a daily journal and maybe you can then see a pattern of when and why you are self-harming in learning why and when you are doing it, you can come to terms with why and when and find another way of getting rid of the pent up emotions. Keep the journal for yourself or show it to a close friend, partner etc When you feel able contact your GP, and get a referral to the mental health team at your local hospital, cbt, (cognitive behaviour therapy) is a excellent way of learning to cope, and giving you other avenues to explore in helping get rid of that pain. But you have to admit to yourself that you are self harming and that you need help and you have to want help to stop.Original Mrs.Whipkick by permission here.

9/18/2013 12:17:07 PM: [http://www.humansexmap.com]   If you want to show what your interested in, and what you have experienced. A way wider list than here. Useful link to send if considering some one.