7/20/2016 9:44:07 PM: It has been awhile . Had to dismiss most recent subbie/little girl due to insublordination.Position available . I begin gently and assertively in my training. Lite stuff for you to get the feel of the d/s dynamics always practiced by me. Now go take on your day...

4/5/2007 4:52:20 PM: Is BDSM Sick?Words like 'pain,' 'sadist,' and 'masochist' ring warning bells withmany newcomers to BDSM. People see these words and immediately thinkof abusive, nonconsensual situations. Remember, though: BDSM refersto consensual activity. This does not mean that no one who does BDSMis abusive or ever gets abused, but simply that for a wide range ofpeople, S&M is fun, pleasurable, thoughtfully engaged-in, andrewarding. The difference between abuse and consensual activity is aconstant area of concern in BDSM, whether one is considering one'sown situation, that of one's partner(s), or that of completeoutsiders over whom one has no control.What draws individuals to BDSM varies from person to person. Manyfolks daydream about it from childhood on and only discover it isfeasible to find commensurate partners much later in life. OthersMORE INFO:An appeal of submissionstumble on it as adults out of the blue by hearing about it from afriend or through the net or the media. Many submissives and bottomshold responsible positions in everyday life and find that thecontrast of being able to relax and be done to instead of doing allthe work is appealing. Many doms and tops are awestruck by feelingsof protectiveness and nurturing intertwined with any feelings ofpower or sadism they experience toward their partners. Almostuniversally, the actuality of what people experience is not like thesimplistic depictions of BDSM.It is an open question whether those who are drawn to BDSM have, onaverage, more frequent histories of traumatic childhood or lifetimeexperiences than folks who have no interest in BDSM. There does notseem to be any direct evidence suggesting this, although the questionoccurs to almost everyone to wonder about.The statistical evidence that attraction to BDSM is a problem or isassociated with difficulty functioning in everyday life isinconclusive. Consequently, for several years now, the psychologyprofession has not classified BDSM per se as aberrant behavior. (Formore information, see the current edition of the Diagnostic andStatistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV.) MORE INFO:List of Kink-AwareProfessionalsIf you are dissatisfied with your own therapist, doctor, or lawyer'shandling of BDSM matters, you can search for a more kink-friendlyprofessional. Race Bannon's Kink-Aware Professionals web site has alisting by location.It is certainly the case that there are folks who do BDSM who havebeen abused or raped in their lives. Whether the incidence of suchhistories is greater amongst those who do BDSM than in the vanillapopulation is unknown. Figuring this out is complicated by twofactors.First, the psychology profession often has as its main sampleprimarily those who are troubled enough to ask for help. MORE INFO:The Sadomasochism ofEveryday Life: A ReviewThis sample by its very nature is weighted by people who have beensubjected to troubled histories and nonconsensual abuses.Unfortunately, those abusive activities are similar to activitiesdone consensually in modern BDSM. It is easy to forget that what isdone without consent and without love or caring may have no bearingon what is done consensually, particularly if the activities soundthe same to an outsider.A second important complication in comparing statistics prepared bythose of the psychology profession with the actual experience of BDSMis that those who engage in BDSM often are or gradually becomeunusually open and forthright about their histories. Playing with apartner without letting on to such a history can risk stumbling on afrightening recollection in the middle of a scene. That is, peoplewho do BDSM may have an incentive to be more forthright on averageabout embarrassing or sad things in their past than those who dovanilla sex. Thus, studies that compare BDSM to vanilla activitiesmight be biased by the fact that those who do BDSM are more likely toreport forthrightly any abusive histories they do have than vanillas.The first rule of thumb when it comes to emotional safety is: When itcomes to you, do only what you want to do. If pain is not for you,don't do it! If submission is not for you, don't do it! If topping ordomming is not for you, don't do it! The same goes for all aspects ofBDSM, including bondage, humiliation, suspension, electrical play,whatever.... If you don't enjoy it, then don't do it. It's thatsimple. What you do is your responsibility. If your partner wants youto do it and you cannot, it is your responsibility to speak honestlyfor yourself. You are not ready to play, much less to worry aboutothers, if you do not have the strength to evaluate and set your ownstandards for yourself. And yes, life is complicated, not black andwhite and not always trivial. But it is your job to take the finalresponsibility for yourself.The flip side of this observation is to have some faith that peopleother than yourself who choose to engage in BDSM are also responsibleadults, even if they differ in astonishing ways from you! You will besurprised to find that the people who do BDSM grapple with suchquestions all the time. The religious, social, family, and friendshiptaboos associating BDSM with abuse are so pervasive that almost noone does BDSM without eventually wondering in some way about thepossible negative consequences or motivations behind what they aredoing. It's healthy to wonder, but in the end too much to be attackedto the point that you are ashamed because of incessant social moresabout what you have chosen as an informed adult to do.If someone has thought carefully about these issues, it is insultingto challenge that person endlessly. On the other hand, to notchallenge someone to consider these issues can feel irresponsible.There is no uniform answer to how to handle situations where you areunsure how much the other party knows about the distinction betweenabuse and consent. You just do the best you can to wend your waybetween respect and concern.