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chaosattractor
Hetero Female Switch, 52, VancouverBC, Canada 
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chaosattractor


i seek long term deep relationships.

intimacy junkie. sexual explorer.

i have many blog entries that i think describe me better through my experiences than a static profile like this.

he is honourable and trustworthy. he respects me and my gifts. he offers without stinginess his own gifts and intimacy. he is sexually skilled and greedy. he understands my body, mind and soul and seeks to enhance it with his lessons. he is open to my lessons.he laughs and teaches me about life. he enjoys a night out but becomes impatient to get home to ravish me.

he is a master of his life and in need of a muse to bring out all that is exceptional in him.


rogue journal July 26, 2018

7mm
as the 7mm stainless steel sound slipped deep into his penis, a ringing started in my ears.

that ringing was closely followed by a warm flush, slightly uncomfortable and engulfing. i knew from experience my blood pressure was dropping and i would faint if my head stayed about my heart for much longer unless i could control that emotional response that was negatively impacting my ability to enjoy this new exploration.

i felt my body start to wobble, looked up at him and gave an apologetic grin and promptly collapsed onto the bed between his legs. i wasnt quite out cold... just lost control of the main controls.now that my head was lowered it started to clear and i looked sheepishly up at him as he looked down at me with his laughing eyes.

fuck i said, isnt that something else?

he then laughed and i knew then that he had already tried it and i was pissed offit was something that we both hadnt tried beforeand we planned to do together....

it started the day before, me, him and his other went toy shopping. me and him were specifically looking for a sound or a set of sounds. his other was totally not there with it, no matter, to each his own. we visited 2 shops and each time the salespeople were split between their ability to effectively counsel and sell what was appropriate for us and just being plain freaked although they tried to hide it. not judgemental mind you, just some sort of fear, revulsion, distaste

for me it was just too close to medical procedures ive had in crisis or surgery situations to immediately make the jump to erotic. i need time to adjust, to reframe the experience both physically and emotionally. not just one adjustment but one adjustment for each perspective....giving and receiving.

strangely receiving requires less adjustment for me, its giving where i am less able to let go and be as sensual and erotic for him.

now, after adjustment, giving for me it is more hypnotic and mesmerizing to be a little less hands on...to simply watch the sound slowly sink, disappear out of sight. then as the sinking slows, grip the remainder of the top and gently start to extract it. just until it can be let go of again and not topple over as it starts to sink - quickly first and then it slows again.yes, i find this almost meditative.

what i find delightful is the little pools and puddles of urine that bubble up and out when i am being sounded. the delicacy, vulnerability of the pretty urethral opening as a little fountain - yes quite delightful....

4/21/2018 6:50:38 AM: A Frighti received an email this morning.  i think the sender tried to paste some type of emoticons into the mail and it arrived to me as html(?) text lines.2 notes came in rapid succession. sent at 5:33am.  i was up at 5;16am this morning...watching the sky brighten.i shot a quick note back alerting the sender that their note was pretty much unintelligible. it was only then i looked at their profile.  Seattle, Dominant Male, age 53, Weight 187, height 6'1', well off, and writing at 5:33am.the combination for me is chilling.  floods of memories, the person that i wrote 'my cult leader' about. instant paranoia. this is what being prey feels like. 4/19/2018 10:23:22 PM: word of the day floccinaucinihilipilification Word Origin noun 1. Rare. the estimation of something as valueless (encountered mainlyas an example of one of the longest words in the English language). 4/19/2018 10:17:22 PM: stuff you read and go yeahso i was putting together a little birthday message for my daughter and i was surfing through some horoscope stuff and i couldn't just not selfishly look quickly at mine.  and lo and behold a paragraph that i can honestly say is very true about me.Mostly what struck me is presently there is a deficit of those that i can learn from in my life.  i do search, nearly endlessly, for understandings of the human condition that likely will never be summed up but for our quest for affinity and belonging.People born on February 20 have an utopian and visionary path to life. They are quite domestic beings although they can be very convivial when caught in the right mood. They surround themselves by people from whom they can learn something and are always in some sort of rush or search. They are autonomous learners and often their originality helps them stand out. They hate avarice and impoliteness and often don't understand why people are so selfish and cruel to others. 4/13/2018 6:26:01 PM: == Results from bdsmtest.org  ==   Comments by chaosattractor ==For years i've seen these % lists on people's profiles, blogs etc.  Never thought to complete one of the tests -  but today's the day.  I'd say my results were fairly accurate.  i found the questions to be quite direct and rudimentary.  It's reasonably short - i choose the long version.  I'd say it's sophistication level was about 40%. xoa 100% Switch  - yeah, that's what i said 95% Rope bunny - so not the 'bunny' type and felt this a little high, more enjoy restraint, not necessary or particular rope based 64% Submissive  - so the dominant counterpart is %60, i was expecting a more 70/30 split for this one 70 sub 30 dom 63% Voyeur - ok, so i like watching porn and live is awesome too 60% Primal (Prey)  - in synch with sub = 60% 60% Dominant  - see submissive entry 59% Mistress  - this category for me is about how i carry myself and my inner strength, rather than being the 'mistress'.  does that make sense.  i don't take crap from people 58% Sadist  - i felt this maybe a tad heavy, but perhaps it's reflecting that occasional time that i just what to hit hard 57% Rigger - i'm self-schooled, i have this electric lift...another time, i tend to use that nonsticky duct tape, rope pieces, chains, straps, belts, etc depending on what i'm trying to achieve, so rigger is a rather grand for me simply restraining and subduing him  - it seems like there is some art to rigging.  love to hear peoples thoughts on this 55% Exhibitionist - yeah, whatever, i totally love to skinny dip.  i have convinced a large amount of people to skinny dip.  it's natural ;> 51% Experimentalist  - i thought this one might be a higher percentage, seems i'm slipping... 50% Masochist  - yes, seems about right 48% Primal (Hunter)  - yeah sure i'll hunt, when i need to suck and fuck a dick i'll do so 47% Owner  - this was higher than expected - if that's what he really needs...but not if he's just being a fucking prick topping from the bottom.  opps, was that my outside voice? 45% Vanilla  - totally live the superhero duality in life, i'm not interested in dealing with other peoples limitations and judgements 43% Mommy  - little lad, if you're reading this, kisses from mommy xxx where ever you want them 42% Brat tamer  - so this popped out of thin air - i detest brat, brat culture and the doms that engage in this environment.  sorry, hard limit. 39% Brat  - see above category, frankly i'm embarrassed and now i have to go back to the questions and understand how it is this happened 28% Pet  - thought this was higher than expected too.  i'm not big into really being any other species than human 26% Slave - i thought this was a higher score than expected like Master above, however, as i've been writing these notes, i'm contemplating the overall Switch charactertics of myself and think that there exists a master/slave element fluid like the switch relationship in general.  i'm not stating this exactly as i want, perhaps i'll come back to this. 9% Non-monogamist - not willing to discuss this openly, consider me monogamist unless otherwise negotiated  3% Girl - i'm a woman.  I'm not sure what else to say  1% Degradee  - i think this is the feeble attempt %, i really believe in reward structure rather than punishment.  i don't think of myself as dirty or a bad girl, i am an extremely good girl.  this is the subject of another blog of mine.  something i feel strong about. obviously  0% Ageplayer  - sorry hard limit, if you feel that this conflicts with Mommy above, i understand that but for me Mommy is totally about the relationships not the age.  there is acknowledgement that there is age difference but it isn't part of the psychological fabric of Mommy's attraction to little lad 0% Degrader  - see degradee above 4/12/2018 10:54:17 PM: heart of a dogi was very excited to go to laurie anderson's movie -  heart of a dog.  her movie dedicated to her long time partner Lou Reed featuring their dog lollabelle.  it was released in 2015 but i never got a chance to see it.i thought it was wonderful, she is so unique and imaginative.she said the purpose of death was to release love.  and to feel sad without being sad.she quoted wittgenstein which bumped into my memories, wittgenstein, in addition to obviously being the philospher, was the screen name of the man that i wrote my blog entry - my cult leader - about.it was a tough emotional movie to get through but i'm very grateful to have seen and experienced it and awfully glad that i still feel.xoa
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