I kept it all at arm's length when younger. Very strict upbringing and all that. So many things not even on the radar. Then I traveled for work when younger. Dungeons and clubs in Europe. Events. Leather. Rubber. Bondage. Culturally so much more open to sex, kink, and desires. I was taught in Old School ways. I was exposed to a range of scenes, situations, and play. Only it wasn't play to them. It was life. I somehow thought it was a phase or something for me, but I was really still just struggling with who I was, what I wanted, and how it fulfilled me. I was in a very long-term relationship, though my desires became a wedge. In some ways that actually made it easier, ironically, as it ended. She knew how conflicted I had become. While one cannot get time back, one can learn and move forward. Time to play. Not as an aside but as an actualization of self. Also active on Fetlife.