NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE NOT CURRENTLY IN NORTH AMERICA
If you list your from someplace then actually be where you post on your profile
Allow me to introduce my self my name is Scott, your future Master. 41 single Dominant male A Master 6'0" white, brown hair, blue eyes, broad strong shoulders, good build with 14+years of experience currently seeking a new female slave for use. Use shall include training, bondage mild-extreme, pain and punishment, humiliation public and private
NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE NOT CURRENTLY IN NORTH AMERICA
If you list your from someplace then actually be where you post on your profile
***WARNING:*** ***Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - You DO NOT have permissionto use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this or you may copy and paste this one.***
1/9/2012 1:17:10 AM
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. They already have boyfriends.
1/9/2012 1:15:02 AM
Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
1/9/2012 1:10:16 AM
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? A. Thanks for coming.
1/9/2012 1:06:07 AM
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos? A. Toys for Twats
1/9/2012 1:03:40 AM
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
1/9/2012 1:01:23 AM
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor
1/9/2012 1:00:54 AM
Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
1/9/2012 12:59:23 AM
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning.
1/9/2012 12:58:59 AM
Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
1/9/2012 12:57:53 AM
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A. Yell at her.
6/30/2010 1:08:50 PM
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years.
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been
going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w
a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement,
"Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e
n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I s p e a k s
l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend
congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W
e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c
h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o
l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h
a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
"Why
should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t
i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g, h e w a s l i c k i n g h i
s b a l l s!"
6/30/2010 1:08:15 PM
Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore
of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and
rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one
wish.
"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving
spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel
anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't
think of anything that I really need," says Igor.
"Think hard,"
says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."
So
Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I
really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can't find it
when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka."
"Very
well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have."
The genie
hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she
asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.
"This
is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you."
The
Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses
and pisses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to
his wife to drink and one for himself.
"This is delicious," his
wife Raisa tells him.
So every night for the next 5 night he
comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his
wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka
into one glass.
When he enters the den, Raisa asks him,"Where is
my drink dear Igor."
"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach
you how to drink right from the bottle."
6/11/2010 10:01:26 PM
There are these three guys in a desert
dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally
manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for
water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss
covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have
some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied,
"I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the
woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe
who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She
said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you
then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick
and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the
door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the
bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses
all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water,"
she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the
third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you
want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing
that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he
follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He
sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back
and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back
and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks
up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He
throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best
orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million
dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This
she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is
satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even
open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so
you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then
he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple
orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are
outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like
hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He
wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds
them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I
hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you
could have imagined!"
6/11/2010 9:57:50 PM
A young lady in the maternity ward just
prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to
be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she
replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no
boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm
unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the
midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing
baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is
black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with
no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie.
The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife,
"that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you
these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has
blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I
desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the
midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry
further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the
girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also
in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again
apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who
immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts
crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !" "What
do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl
extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard
was going to bark!"
3/16/2010 10:35:35 PM
It is with great remorse that I inform you of the sad news of something
that happened to someone very dear to us all.
Last night, at
approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going and going and
going for so long, unfortunately passed away.
Upon completion of
the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the
cause of death as acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual
overstimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny’s
batteries in backwards, and he kept COMING... AND COMING... AND
COMING...
12/10/2009 11:48:03 PM
I love how childish people are. they assume they know what they are talking of. when in actuality they are really just speaking out of there own asses. they have balls enough to tell you off but then they block you it just reflects upon the maturity level of some of the people on this site.
10/22/2009 2:42:24 PM
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local
country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving
range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100
yards.
The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club
as firm as you hold your wifes breasts". The man follows instructions
and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.
Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
10/19/2009 5:08:22 PM
What did one lesbian frog
say to the other?
You know we do taste like chicken
10/19/2009 5:04:46 PM
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Internal Revenue Service
Re: Obama's Increased Tax Payments
Dear Taxpayer:
The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not taxes is your
pecker. This is due to the fact that 10% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard
up, and 10% of the time it is employed but is operating in the hole. Furthermore,
it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after July 1, 2009, your pecker will be taxed based on
its size. Using the Pecker-Checker scale below, determine your category
and tax, then nclude on your 1040 under "other taxes" Page 2 Part
V Line 6.
Pecker-Checker Scale:
10-12 in.
Luxury Tax
$5000.00
8-10 in.
Pole Tax
$4000.00
6-8 in.
Privilege Tax
$3000.00
4-6 in.
Nuisance Tax
$2000.00
NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Do not ask for
an extension.
Males with peckers over 12 inches should be filed under "Capital
Gains".
Sincerely.
US/ag
10/19/2009 4:56:17 PM
What do you call a woman
with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
Partially disabled
10/19/2009 4:52:16 PM
A husband and a wife were
out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole
which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and
the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a vert
large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed
through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They
felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see
what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no
one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further
investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with
a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you
live here?"
"No, someone just hit
a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see
there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,"
he answered.
The wide said, "Are you
a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In
fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes; the third
I will keep for mayself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed
on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband,
to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income
of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said , "Done!"
The genie now said, "For
my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not
been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you
a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the geneie and wife were
finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been
married?", to which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How
old is you husband?", to which she responded, "31 years
old."
The genie then asked, "How
long has he believed in this genie shit?"
10/19/2009 4:50:56 PM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of
$5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make
over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new
make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive
for him because
she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to
buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some
new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money
in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives
him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long
time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given
her.
Then, he married the one with
the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
10/19/2009 4:49:35 PM
Chuck and Danny, went camping
in the high mountains for several weeks. For so long in fact,
that they grew tired of one another's company and began to quarrel
daily. One morning Danny decided they should try a day apart and
proposed that he walk West and Chuck should walk East.
Chuck agreed and they planned to meet back at camp at sunset.
They set off in opposite directions with brisk strides.
Chuck returned first, started
a fire and began to prepare supper. The sun was just a glimmer
over the horizon and the first stars had begun to gleam before
Danny struggled into camp with a weary smile. Tired as he was,
Danny went for water and firewood, as the camp rules required.
After supper was finished and the utensils cleaned, Chuck began
to talk about his day.
"It was a wonderful day,
my friend," began Chuck. "I walk farther up the mountain
than we've ever been. About noon I found a wonderful little valley
with a lovely, cold lake. I skinny-dipped a while, quietly ate
some lunch and watched the animals come to drink and wash. Then
I dressed and came back to camp. All in all, a great day."
Danny was real quiet like a
man trying to hold on to a pleasant thought until Chuck asked,
"How was your day?"
In a peaceful, dreamy voice
Danny replied, "Marvellous! I walked downhill until I found
a railroad track and followed it a ways. I saw a women lying near
the track, all tied up. Man! What a great body! I untied her and
carried her under the trees. We had sex several times. It was
a little harder to get hard to get in that pussy each time and
the last time I thought I would just pass out with the effort.
But, I made it!!," Danny sighed with a soft, remembering
smile.
By this time Chuck was almost
beside himself with excitement. "Damn, man," he whispered.
"Did you get a blow job, too?"
"No," said Danny
with a frown. "I never did find her head."
10/19/2009 4:46:22 PM
Two Polish women were sitting
on the front porch and one said to the other "Damn, my husband
brought me home some flowers last night...now I'll have to keep
my legs in the air all weekend." To which the other woman
replied "Why don't you use a vase?
10/19/2009 4:44:03 PM
Did you know there are
1.5 million battered women in the World?
...And I've been eating
mine raw!
10/19/2009 4:23:56 PM
A girl goes into the doctor's
office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices
a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later,
another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend
went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his
Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A
couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
10/19/2009 4:22:15 PM
A Captain in the foreign
legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation
tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the
tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sargent replied, "Well
sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual
urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The Captain
said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all
right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6
months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his
Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged
his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The
Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with
the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was
buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir,
they usually just use it to ride into town."
10/19/2009 4:20:07 PM
This fellow named Sam has
been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing
'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as
far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's
a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...yourneighbor from four miles over the
ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great,"Sam says, "after six months of this I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do
that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like
the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get
along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild
sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember,
I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the
way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's
just gonna be the two of us."
10/9/2009 1:45:09 PM
completely confused, why dose some one send you a shit load of jokes but block you so you cant compliment them on them?
9/12/2009 7:59:36 PM
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a
cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
9/12/2009 7:58:52 PM
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops
working?
A. Yell at her.
9/12/2009 7:56:54 PM
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and
your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let
in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
9/12/2009 7:46:50 PM
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm
count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
9/12/2009 7:45:17 PM
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream
while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
9/12/2009 7:44:19 PM
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
9/12/2009 7:43:18 PM
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created
eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
9/12/2009 7:39:06 PM
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
9/12/2009 7:37:29 PM
What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After ten years the job still sucks!
8/17/2009 6:25:12 PM
Why cant miss piggy count to 70? * * * * * * * * * Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat!
8/11/2009 5:12:41 PM
Definitely!
A kindergarten teacher one
day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word
"definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The
first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes
its gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely
green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesnt get enough water it
turns brown, so that isnt really correct either."
Another
student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The
teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isnt really a question
you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I
definitely shit my pants.
8/11/2009 5:11:59 PM
The Gyno, The Psychiatrist and The Stamp Collector
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, Im
still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "Hows this possible? Youve been married three times before."
The
wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he
wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and
all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a
stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
8/11/2009 5:10:59 PM
Tight Pussy
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.
Shes
really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand
in!". The guys like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says
moaning loud
"Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.
"I cant", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
8/11/2009 5:10:39 PM
Herpes
This beautiful woman one day
walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how
stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the
window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He
tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor
begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing
now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he
tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top
of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know
what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"
6/4/2009 7:06:29 PM
Old Boat
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out
his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent
all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his
absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery
store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is,
I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the
front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very
good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the
middle." The old woman fainted.
6/4/2009 7:04:26 PM
3 Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
,
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
5/9/2009 7:15:29 AM
A man who just
got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop,
and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you
can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands
two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope
for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot
the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think
I can do that with one shot!"
5/9/2009 7:09:39 AM
A man and his wife
go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck
your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
5/9/2009 7:02:59 AM
Q: What do you call
a prostitute with no arms or legs?
A: Cash and carry.
5/6/2009 5:20:03 PM
Prostitutes wana have fun!
A woman
went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots,
and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, Hi, were
prostitutes. Wanna have some fun? " "Thats
terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your
two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two
male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will
teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female
parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the
woman brought her female parrots to the priests house. His two male
parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.
The females said, "Hi, were prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
5/6/2009 5:19:30 PM
Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.
The
bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the
house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about
my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe
is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still,
nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of
a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes"
4/27/2009 12:13:42 PM
why do cows look sad when being milked?
if someone woke u up early
playing with ur tities for 2hrs. & didn't fuck u u'd be pissed too.
4/4/2009 11:16:02 AM
The "Name" Game
A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves
The first child stands and says, "My name is Jane Johnson."
"Thank you, Jane", says the teacher.
The second student says, "My name is Stuart Smith."
"Thank you, Stuart."
The third student says, "My name is Jason Fuckhour."
The
teacher is horrified, and tells Jason that this type of language will
not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Jason Fuckhour. If you
dont believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."
So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We dont even get a nap hour in here!"
4/2/2009 4:14:16 PM
The Rules
If the Master suspects the slave/property knows all THE RULES,
he/she must immediately change some or all of them.
The Master is never wrong.
If the Master is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which
was caused by the slave/property having said or done something wrong.
The slave/property must apologize immediately for having
caused said misunderstanding.
The Master may change his/her mind at any time.
The slave/property must never change his mind without the
express written consent of the Master.
The Master has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The slave/property must remain calm and placid at all times
unless the Master wants him/her to be angry and/or upset.
The Master must, under no circumstances, let the
slave/property know whether or not he/she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The slave/property is expected to mind read at all times.
The slave/property who can't abide by THE RULES can't take the
heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Master has PMS all THE RULES are null and void, if the
slave has PMS, she must suffer quietly, without ever giving any indication to the master.
The Master is ready when he/she is ready.
The slave/property must be ready at all times.
Any attempt by the slave/property to document THE RULES could
result in bodily harm.
THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No Slave/property can possibly know all THE RULES
3/31/2009 1:48:00 PM
A blonde is showing off her new
tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would
get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If
you put your ear up against it, you cansmell the
ocean.'
3/13/2009 2:41:33 PM
Beautiful Owners
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a Labrador and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the labrador and asks "why are you here?" The
labrador responds, "Im 17 years old. I dont see or hear very well.Ive
been having accidents in the house. My owner says Im too old and sickso
he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The labrador asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The
poodle responds, "Ive not been myself lately. Ive been especially
highstrung. Ive been barking all the time, Ive been snapping at people
and I even bit one of the neighbors kids. Nobody knows why this has
been happening. My owner says he cant risk me biting somebody else so
he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and labrador ask the great Dane why he is here.
The
great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model.
Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent
down to pick up
something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took
over and the next thing I know Im on top of her doing the doggie thing.
I couldnt help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
Once upon a time lived
a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed
over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire
would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief doctor
. Horatio thought about this andsaid that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins
to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queens bra
while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts.
The Queens itching was eventually relieved and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment
of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the
King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!
2/27/2009 12:39:37 PM
Testing,Testing 123
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon
, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon
or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"
1/23/2009 2:57:34 PM
The Blonde Flight Attendant An airline captain was helping a new
blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon
their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place
for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next
morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in
at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She
answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your
room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only
three
doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet,
and one has
a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
1/23/2009 4:31:31 AM
365 times/year
A man takes his wife to
a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are
kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times
last year."
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."
1/14/2009 10:20:59 AM
A blonde called her boyfriend
and said:
"Please come over here and help me. I have a puzzle
and I cant figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, its a tiger."
Her
boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in
and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He
studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box.
He then
turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger
. Second, I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of hot chocolate
and then............," he sighed, .....
"Lets put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
12/31/2008 10:51:59 AM
Looking forward to memorable night, Happy New Years everybody!!!!!!!!
12/28/2008 10:26:22 PM
A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to
weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's
weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale,
then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount
from the first.
"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
12/28/2008 1:47:20 AM
Q. Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A. The taste
12/26/2008 6:35:10 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is
found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles,
cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer,
men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to
them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something
bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In
extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim
to this "Beer" scam, and the women administering it, there are male
support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
12/26/2008 2:22:48 PM
Shirt Pocket
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt
pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The
bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you
look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of
my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
12/26/2008 2:21:13 PM
Blow Job and Seamen
A male whale and a female whale were swimming
off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He
said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out
our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over
and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over
and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were
swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that
they were going to get away
and told the female.
"Lets
swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At
this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
12/24/2008 3:15:41 PM
Yo mama's so stupid, she
thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
12/18/2008 5:41:33 PM
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isnt a real bank, its a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or Ill shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? Its not so difficult, is it?"
12/17/2008 11:49:01 PM
Funny Joke
Close your legs
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married
again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes
remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing
before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for
this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One
mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think
he means her legs.”
10/25/2008 8:58:42 AM
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now
he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she
stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he
motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
8/29/2008 11:50:17 PM
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces
that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an
emergency landing.
The
woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man
sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself
on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
8/25/2008 8:59:32 AM
Blonde in Your Fridge
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
8/19/2008 11:01:12 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding
that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third
old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about."
8/17/2008 3:21:50 PM
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods
with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke
on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts
behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard
a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back,
sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But
thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
7/15/2008 5:28:35 AM
In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field
of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a
dead soldier and dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said,
"I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations
of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?!?!?!?" the private shouted. "I
thought you said whorehouses!!!"
7/13/2008 7:59:12 PM
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood
. She went to the front door
of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint
my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders
that she might need were in the garage
. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "Youre finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats
. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
7/13/2008 7:54:27 PM
Police Dog
A
man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man
with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle
seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline
.
"Dont
mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is.
Ill show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover
, search"
The
dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a
few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says, "Good boy" He turns to the first man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so Im making a note of this,
and the seat number, for the police
who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic" replies the first man.
Once
again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits
down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places
both paws on the handlers arm.
The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, Im making a note of this, and the seat number."
"Wow" says the first man.
Once
again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up
and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone,
and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps
all over the place The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???"
The handler replies, "Looks like he found a bomb."
7/13/2008 7:42:10 PM
Q: whats the differnce between pussy and apple pie?
A: you can eat your moms apple pie
7/13/2008 7:41:08 PM
When the nurse
was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma
for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor
was notified, he replied, I know just what we should do The doctor calls the husband
and asks him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival
the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her
private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should
have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her
condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and
announced that she was dead When the doctor asked how that could be the
husband replied,I think she choked to death
2/29/2008 11:15:40 AM
Blonde and Sunglasses
Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses? A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.
2/28/2008 7:17:46 PM
Sea Men
What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
They both swallowed a lot of semen.
2/28/2008 6:48:37 PM
Left Leg
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
2/28/2008 6:36:15 PM
Shows you were thinking
A
young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz
behind my back Ive got something red, round and you can eat it. what is
it? she asked. an apple replied little Raymond no, said the teacher its
a tomato but it shows your thinking. Ive now got something round, a
greenish colored you can eat it. An apple, replied little Ian No its an
onion, but it shows your thinking. Little scruffy Johnny at the back of
the class says Ive got something under my desk thats an inch long,
white and it has a red end. Dirty little boy, said the teacher No its a
match, but it shows you were thinking, he answered.
2/28/2008 6:34:18 PM
Women and Tornadoes
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
2/28/2008 6:33:42 PM
Make me a Woman
As
an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.
2/25/2008 1:36:03 PM
Pig FarmerA
farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer
that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate
the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes
to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load
them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging
the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The
next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying
in the mud.
No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
2/23/2008 8:57:37 PM
The Chastity Belt
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One
knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the
most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no
man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return
from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.
He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
2/6/2008 10:31:20 PM
Seeking
a change a change of latitude,
Taking a vacation to Hawaii
and visiting my cousin and his new family. Thank fully he just made it back
safely from Iraq.
Seriously considering relocating. If I can find some suitable
residence that meets my standards.
2/1/2008 10:35:35 PM
Betty Crocker?
A
husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for
weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light?
Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I
dont think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close properly."
To
which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a
Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre a mess and a real hazard."
"Im
not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps," he says., "Does
it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I
dont think so." He continued, "In fact, Ive had enough of all your
Bickering. Im going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes
to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to
feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return
home and help out with the chores. As
he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then,
as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again.
And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he
notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, howd this all get fixed?"
His
wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then,
a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to
do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or
bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!"
2/1/2008 12:30:08 PM
Management Problems
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.
He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then
the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee
break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then
the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break -
strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both
ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought hed wait & see
who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until
after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager
thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.
He went
up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know
whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, youd better jack off
- Im late for my bus."
1/31/2008 7:19:02 PM
Before I die, I would like everyone to know how I
feel. I am very old now and I lived and will die chained in the back
yard. I have suffered from the cold of the winters and the heat of the
summers. I have never known the comforts of a family life, and have never
been invited inside to enjoy an evening with my family. I have never been for
a walk. I only see my family for a few minutes each day when they bring me
food and water. I have so much love in my heart to give them and now that I
am near the end of my days, they never knew how much I loved them. I forgive
them for the way they have treated me, but my heart is heavy with sadness for
all the dogs who live and die on a chain.
1/29/2008 12:18:48 AM
Everything I need
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and
says, "Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because
Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a much better lover
than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids,
too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now hes up
to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, Ive got everything I need."
She asks,
"Whats that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90
mph, "Ive got the airbag!"
