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I had snippette start a new profile once she came to visit my home. At this time she no longer visits her old profile but will leave it up for those of you who would like to see it.
This profile was intended to provide a running journal of her visit for anyone who may have been interested in rather I was real or not. If your going to take the time to read her journal entries start at the first and work your way forward so that it chronologicly makes sense. If I ever make a journal entry it will have a blue background to identify it.
Feel free to contact her and ask any questions you may have. I do occasionally review her correspondence but am not worried about her conduct.
Disrespectful or Rude contacts will simply be blocked. Dominant males or Master’s with dishonorable intentions will be blocked also.
In every instance prior to this I have had potential sub/slaves visit for less then one week. After corresponding via email then moving to phone conversations I felt that she had enough potential to justify a longer visit. I decided to have her visit for forty days and have her back in Chicago for her daughter’s graduation.
As of June 12th she is in Chicago, have limited access to the internet and thus difficulty responding to your email. It is my intention to bring her back to my home sometime in August for a training collar that may lead to a permanent position in my home.
Mr. Sharp
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i went into this relationship with many ideas of what i needed, and in my aggression to get these things i felt i needed, i pushed and defied and ran from my feelings. i tested Him. i tested His patience.
He never once caved in.
now i have realized what i chased away and what we might have had is lost forever.
i want to beg and plead for another chance.
i have begged and pleaded.
i destroyed U/us.
you're awesome.
you're honest.
you're a good man.
you're a good Master.
i only want you to be happy, Sir.
always happy, always fulfilled.
if it isn't me that can provide it, i will pray to the benevolent Universe that sends me blessings regularly, that You find all You seek.
You are always in my heart, and always a true friend.
i love you, Sir. |
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He has made a decision.
now i am left floundering.
i love Him.
i need Him.
He thinks i deserve more.
i am so very, very lost without You, Sir.
nothing makes sense anymore.
not me.
not my life.
not my purpose in life.
not without You.
He thinks it is best i keep searching.
how can i when He consumes my thoughts and the dark recesses of my heart no one else has been able to touch in so long?
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it can be really difficult and often heartwrenching when learning to love someone in a way you never envisioned.
finding yourself loving and needing things you never knew you did.
finding yourself considering giving up the notions of what you think you need.
this is my jam, presently. |
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cry.
cry.
cry.
i miss you so much.
i am in such a turmoil.
i wish i was different emotionally.
i wish i wasn't so needy for things you cannot give.
i want to come home, Sir.
by the way, anyone know where i can find a good magic wand or pill or lobotomy i can purchase? i need to rewire my brain. |
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what do you do when you deeply love Him?
deeply respect Him?
think He is beyond awesome?
want the best for Him?
even when both of us know we aren't the right fit?
cry a river, hide under the blankets, and wish life were different.
i am happy He is my friend, blessed even.
i am sad he isn't what i need.
my gawd, Sir, my heart is breaking.
hurry up, August. |
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::day forty::
Well, today marks the last day i'll spend with Master for a while.
I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Tomorrow morning.
So, this is my last night with Master. I am going to miss him so very much. I have no idea how i am going to handle being away from him. There's still a few details Master needs to work out with Mr. Landlord, and i have some loose ends to tie up back home. God willing, i'll be back in about 6 weeks or so, to stay permanently with Master.
I have grown to love him so much.
I have grown to need him so much.
I have grown so attached in such a short amount of time.
He says i have spoiled him and he will miss me here taking care of him.
He has spoiled me, with consistency, purpose, routine, schedules, projects.
I don't know how i am going to go back to my old way of life, a life where i have to deal with other people and their idiosyncracies. The monkey wrenches they throw into my jam. He really has had me in a bubble here.
Protected.
Controlled.
Safe in routine.
My life home is anything but these things.
I am so sad to go, even though i know it has to be done. I don't want to cry, but i am sure as soon as his truck pulls out of sight at the airport i'll bawl like a baby. I'm going to try and hold it together until then, to be strong and not make Master worry.
This is going to be pretty hard on both of us, i am sure.
So what was it Arnold said in "Terminator"?
"I'll be back."
And i will.
I am so happy this has worked out for us, i am so sad i won't sleep next to Master tomorrow night.
And silly me, i washed all of his shirts so i cannot even take one home with me that smells like him.
See, Master, that's what i get for being a neat freak, LOL.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of relationships. What can you do?
I love you, my Master, i'll be home soon. |
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::days thirty-eight and thirty-nine::
Master and i had a great weekend. Master spent saturday helping Mr. landlord load his moving truck so he and his family could go back to Redneckland. Master was pretty tired and kind of cranky, so we went to bed early and settled in for a good nights sleep.
Yesterday, after Master returned home from work, we went to Key West and took a slew of new photos of he and i, saw some sights and did a little souvenir shopping. Bought some great stuff for the folks back home, hope everyone is happy with the cheesy whatnots, LOL. We stopped along US1 and watched the sunset (mygawd it was sooo beautiful it almost brought tears to my eyes) and Master took some awesome pictures. We even had a couple of pics taken of us together and a few for me to take home and stare at in those moments when i miss him the most.
Mr. Landlord sprung for surf and turf Saturday to say thanks to Master for helping him schlep all his belongings down to the truck, so Master and i had that for dinner.
All in all, we had an awesome weekend.
I love you, Master.
Thank you for a beautiful weekend. |
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::day thirty-seven::
I only have 3 more days with Master.
And that stupid program pooped in his easter basket last night. I hate when other things and other people piss him off.
I get the backlash, the impatience and everything i do irritates him.
He won't let me kick their ass.
I try and try to keep it in mind he isn't really upset with me. It gets pretty difficult when the red ass i end up with isn't the result of his palms or a pretty toy, but a chewing with non-teeth.
He has quickly become the center of my everything, by my choice and his design. It is only he and i, i have my outer contact restricted heavily and i chatter him to death when he comes home.
I suppose i am just far too social a butterfly for isolation such as he desires for me. I talk and talk and talk. With no one else to talk to, he gets the brunt.
We have to build a better slavetrap, this one is just irritating both slave and captor.
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::day thirty-six::
Master and i had a lovely day today. We awoke lazily after a long night out shopping, and Master decided to bypass breakfast and have me accompany him during his shower. I really do adore when he does this with me. We get to share some acutely intimate activities. ::grin:: He placed my new buttplug into place and secured it with duct tape before he left for work. He even had twenty or so minutes to watch me parade around plugged, taped and barely covered by a slip of a t-shirt as i prepared his lunch. I truly wanted to last the entire day plugged, which had been Master's wish but, it just gets to be too much. Not in a pain sense, but in a sexual sense. It is too intense and Master has made it clear to me i am not to orgasm. I spoke with him about an hour and a half after he left for work and he decided if i could not do my five mile walk plugged, i was allowed to remove it. Thank gawd!! I honestly think i would not have made it. I was already dripping (literally) before he left the house. A half hour after he left i was squirming trying to push it deeper.
When he finally did make it home after work, he had quite a wonderful surprise for me. He used the new flogger we bought last night. Can you say "WOOHOO!!"???
It has been quite a long time since i have played with pain, years even. I thought my tolerance was going to be very low but, surprisingly i handled it quite well and even think i may have ended up with some lovely marks.
Thank you, Master.
A few times i thought i was ready to beg for mercy, i was holding my breath and crying. This wasn't to be, though. Master has this amazing voice, deep and hypnotic, and when he whispers in my ear, he commands my entire being.
"Breathe in. Breathe out. Good girl. Don't hold your breath."
I wasn't just flying, i was soaring. He gave me wings tonight. He stroked me with pain, with tenderness, with aftercare. He fed me his seed. I am emotionally and mentally spent, physically i am completely relaxed and i will sleep the sleep of angels tonight.
Completely sated. Completely safe. Complete in my surrender to Master.
I love and adore you, Master.
Four more days and i'll be back to the big city and missing you like crazy, aching to smell you, taste you, serve you.
Whatever will i do?
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::day thirty-five::
Not much to report today.
Master and i went toy shopping last night.
Hooray for floggers and buttplugs!!
I have but six days left here with Master before i return home for a short hiatus.
Ever notice how buttplugs and duct tape have the most amazing way of erasing all thoughts from one's mind?
That's my story and i am sticking to it.
Just another glorious day in paradise.
::impish grin::
Thank you, Master.
I love you.
so does my kitty.
::meow:: |
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::day thirty-four::
I haven't quite decided if i love or hate the overwhelming response Master gets from my betraying body.
I need do no more than kneel by the side of his bed or lay my head on his chest where i can smell the scent of him and i am drenched.
Don't even get me started on the reaction he gets when i am actually servicing him. I have left wet spots. That has never happened before. EVER.
Now, i am no innocent.
I am no spring cicken.
I've got a few laps around the track.
And this man ellicits a response from my body i have no control over.
And i have always had control.
He turns me into a grinding, dripping, aching, whining, starving, lil nasty girl.
And the verdict isn't in yet.
Do i hate it?
I hate the betrayal of my own body to the mind that it is connected to.
Do i love it?
I love that he has that power over me.
Do i hate it?
I hate the frenzy he works me into that i cannot control and the denial that ultimately follows, leaving me exhausted and quivering.
Do i love it?
I love that he has touched me in a way no other man ever has, or probably ever will.
Master, you say you'll always have this affect on me.
I think we need to make one room in the house rubber walled.
Always is a long time to have me in such a state.
I am already crazy, you're going to drive me over the edge. |
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::day thirty-three::
I went on my walk this morning and did some hard thinking, a ton of tears fell.
Seems i do much more crying than i do smiling.
I am so conflicted.
Hope and need are the bane of my existence.
Need for the man i've seen glorious glimpses of.
Hope that i'll prove myself worthy of having that man all the time, instead of in glimpses.
As a slave i am not supposed to have expectations.
As a human being i have many.
As a slave i am supposed to be limit free.
As a human i have boundaries.
When does the human end and the slave begin?
What is too much to ask?
Is it right for me to ask for anything at all?
Is it right for me to question his methods?
As property i should feel i am valued.
I rarely feel i am of any worth.
Is it wrong for me to expect a return on the investment i make in him?
If my happiness should be centered in his happiness, where should the desire for his happiness spring forth from?
Some days i feel my desire being crushed into dust.
I thought i should be able to share everything with my Master.
Whether or not he finds it an interesting subject.
Whether or not he deems it important.
Whether or not it he feels it directly affects him.
I hold out hope every day for a snippet of the tender, giving man he has allowed me to see living behind the cold, hard facade.
Most days i never see that man and go to sleep aching. Waking the next day to only hope harder.
The subtleties, the nuances, the facial expressions, the blatant hushing of my thoughts mid sentence-they deal crushing blows.
I question my submissiveness.
I question who i thought i was.
I question whether i should walk away.
I question my dogged determination to remain steadfast to what sometimes feels like a losing proposition.
I question whether i can live a life without being touched often enough,
kissed often enough,
cuddled in safety enough,
told i am a good girl enough,
released in ecstasy enough.
I see the man that has been battered and used by soulless women, and i ache to be the one to prove all of us aren't out to take and never give.
To show him some of us are worthy of goodness and have honorable intentions, without hidden agendas or unreasonable demands.
I see with my heart his need for control coming from a place of self-preservation.
I see with compassion his need to withhold what i ache for as a proving ground i deserve all that he is.
I see this man for who he is, and love him anyway.
I see this man for who he could be, and hope to be an inspiration.
I just don't know if i'll make it through boot camp without crumbling into a heap.
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::day thirty-one::
Enter: pissing match extraordinaire '07.
Yes, Master and i had what would probably be the biggest pissing match of our entire experience together.
I am back at the foot of the bed, again.
Right where my subconcious feels safe.
Away from him, where i don't have to feel the intensity he evokes in me.
Grrrr, he can make me so angry.
Grrrr, i can make him blind with rage.
I don't mean to, but i have so much old garbage.
Anyone want to exchange one Borderline Personality Disorder for any other psychiatric disorder (short of schizophrenia, that is)??
It is making me push him away.
It is making me afraid of him.
It is making me respond in inappropriate ways.
I have so much to give, so much love to shower him with.
Intimacy makes me crawl into my shell.
I want him, no need him, to help me.
I do not know if he can.
I think he can help me heal.
If i do not drive him to the edge first.
If he can garner some understanding.
He sets off every trigger for acting out i can imagine having.
I try and tell him, but he gets so fed up, so frustrated he cannot listen.
Are we destined to end up broken, without each other?
Or can we work this through?
His perceptions and preconceived notions have him treating me in a way he thinks will stop this behavior and really, he only perpetuates it.
I am confused.
He is angry.
He says i have so much good, but is it worth the bad i have inside me?
I think so, Master.
I am worthy of so much.
Especially a place where i feel completely safe.
I've never had that.
"I love you, get away from me."
If you understand that one phrase, if it strikes but one small chord, that is me.
I need you.
Please don't leave me alone, i might push, i might run.
I beg of you, from the depths of my soul--don't allow me to.
Make me face each and every demon, it is the only way to rid me of them.
I am worth it.
We are worth it.
You've seen the awesomeness in me, you said so.
Help me be awesome ALL the time.
Please, Master.
*********xoxoxoxo********** |
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::day thirty::
Well, Master and i hit a little bump in the road last night. My daughter wrote, what i thought was, a very respectful letter to Master requesting extra phone time with me and referred to him by his first name. Master was disconcerted by her use of his given name and the fact she capitalized her name in her signature. I guess this was my fault. He has a name and that is what i use when speaking of him to her, only because i know how it makes her uncomfortable to hear me refer to him as "Master" or "Sir". He mentioned it in passing and i, in turn mentioned it to her out of respect for him. Needless to say, it blew up in my face and she was pretty upset by it, which upset me greatly and i returned to bed after my phone call with her trying my best to sob quietly.
Master doesn't "need" anyone, but i tried living like that once, was forced to by circumstance, and it is so very, very lonely.
I love my kids so very much, i love Master so very much, i love the friends i have hand picked and turned into a rag-tag, mutually devoted family--to replace the one that turned it's back on me and my kids.
They've been my voice of sanity in moments of raging insanity. They've been my harbor in the storms of life. They've been my heroes, my guardians, my caretakers. They've been my filter for the world when i doubt my own judgement and right now, they cannot stand Master, which hurts me. I hear them say how i must be insane to love such a man, i hear them say just come home and forget him because he is going to destroy the relationships i have meticulously built. They feel like i have been ripped away from them. They feel disrespected and undervalued by him. He has been so standoffish that they haven't seen what i see in him, they haven't seen the wonderful man i do, haven't seen the wonderful way in which he handles me and they haven't seen the tremendous change for the positive he has made in my life in these short few weeks.
I am so afraid sometimes that because Master has limited my contact with them, because he comes off so gruff and cold to them, that they'll feel as if i have chosen him over them. That isn't the case and i do not want to hurt anyone, but this delicate balancing act has me on constant edge. I hate feeling like i am making a choice, because they are ALL integrally important.
And in the immortal words of Rodney King--can't we all just get along?
I have enough heart and love for all of you.
I have enough respect and focus to put you first, Master.
Please, give me the chance to prove it, i've proven i am capable of so much already Master, let me prove this, too.
You told me this morning you hate to see me upset.
You told me eventually they'd see who you are and why i adore you so much.
But, we'll never get there if some healing doesn't take place.
They've reached out to you and been rebuffed. Now they need a goodwill gesture from you or they won't give you another chance.
Please, Master?
I need them.
I need you.
I love them.
I love you.
And somewhere in the in-between i am being torn apart like a push-me, pull-you doll.
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::day twenty-nine::
"hey, come here," Master said gruffly, at approximately 2am this morning. I wasn't right under him snuggled as i usually am. He always sends me for a loop when he wakes in the middle of the night in search of me tangled amongst the pillows and blankets of his huge king-sized bed. Our life here is pretty simple, and with the rare exception of an insane mood swing of mine, our life is fairly uneventful. I wonder if he knows just how much i appreciate this. I wonder if he knows just how much i'll miss this in 12 days when i return home. I wonder if he knows how much i'll miss the sense of purpose i have when i am serving him up close and personal. I wonder if he knows how much i'll miss HIM. He has said i have nothing to worry about, and i trust him. He is an honorable man, his word is his bond. He has said he is going to offer me a training collar and a six month contract. With the understanding that after 6 months if things are still as they are and we both are happy, i will become a permanent part of his household. A lifelong committment. This has me ecstatic. I adore Master and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days making him happy. Of course, we have some details to work out. Hurricane season starts tomorrow and safe haven has to be secured for me in the event of one occurring. Mr. Landlord has to be made aware of the changes in Master's home. I have to return to my hometown and settle things. I am not going to lie and say i am not nervous. I am not going to say this won't be the hardest seperation i've had to deal with in a long time. I won't say it is going to be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I'll miss Master, i'll need daily contact, reminders, direction, FOCUS. I'll need him to help me maintain my focus because i am sure i'll be emotionally distraught, suffering "Master crash". I am not looking forward to leaving his side, past experiences have my innards quivering with fear, but i have to trust him. He has proven he is worthy of trust. He also seems very pleased with me and just as excited to have me a part of his life as i am to be a part of it. I am a happy lil girl. He is a happy Master. We'll make it, we deserve to.
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::day twenty-eight::
Master had a tough day.
This makes for a tough day on his lil slavegirl.
Not to mention my period has gone haywire, i've bled 12 of the last 21 days and it has me pissy as a wet hen.
I know he doesn't mean it, but when he gets blindsided by bullshit, it tends to roll downhill. That's right where i sit.
I walk on eggshells when he is in such a foul mood. Nervous, anxious, and afraid to make things worse. Afraid to attempt to make things better for fear of exascerbating the situation. I do my best to overlook these times. He is, after all, only human. We all have days like this, and he is patient as a saint with me when i have them. This is not to say he doesn't hold me accountable for whatever foot-in-mouth disease i have for that day, because he surely does. Bless his heart for being forgiving, though. Bless his heart for having the strength to correct me and punish me for getting out of line. I know it hurts him to hear me weeping quietly next to him, i know he wants to pull me in close and kiss my forehead, i know he knows he HAS to make me accountable and refrains from giving in to my tears. I admire him for this, respect his strength and courage to bear the hurt he knows i am feeling for my bad behavior but, i'll never be what he desires if he gives in everytime i cry. I'd never retain the respect for him that i have if he did.
Being my Master is no easy task sometimes. I mean, for the most part, Master thinks i am a very good girl, moldable, amenable, teachable, pleasant, a positive energy. I just have this horrid habit, when cranky, of opening my mouth and inserting my whole leg and it is usually verbally robust. This is not acceptable, i know this. It is not respectful, i know this, too. I allow my emotions to override my better judgement and decibel level. Thank the Universe Master is patient enough to work through this and help me to change. I know he only wants for me to be the best me i can be. For him and for myself, and being emotionally out of control isn't being the best. He is forgiving, and once punishment is over, it is over. Last night i was banned from touching him while i slept. Just at arms length, close enough to hear him breathe softly, but far enough away to feel like an eternity. I know it doesn't sound like much of a punishment, but for me, it cuts right to my soul. Being denied him, his skin dusted with that male scent that is totally him, feeling his arms around me, the safety of the crook of his arm, it hits home like nothing else. I swear, i believe he learned his guilt techniques from some little Jewish gramma, lol.
I'm sorry, Master.
And thank you.
Thank you for being strong enough to hold me accountable.
Thank you for being patient enough to put up with me.
Thank you for being tender enough to gather me in your arms the next morning, letting me know all is forgiven. |
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::days twenty-four through twenty-six::
Master and i had a beautiful Memorial day weekend. I still have yet to experience an orgasm, but Master has begun playing with me. He discovered that the igniter for the gas grill makes an awesome little zapper for some sweetly sensitive spots. ::grin:: He never ceases to amaze me. His touch fuels a fire in me unlike any i have ever experienced. His soft voice in my ear can cause the most painful guilt, the most devoted responsibility, the most soothing balm on a wound and, for this, i am eternally grateful to the Universe for It's wisdom and grace for blessing me with this man. I have met many boys in men's bodies, but he is truly a Man in every sense of the word. A man i have been aching for, waiting for, needing for so very long. When he reaches out for me in his sleep to pull me close, when he wraps his strong hands in my hair and whispers his wants in my ear, when he answers my questions aloud in the same second that they are being formulated in my head, when he looks at me with those piercing blue eyes and stares into my soul i know i am his, was meant to be his from the beginning of time.
His intention is to own property, to not be emotionally attached, to never fall in love. But, i am here to tell you, i have NEVER felt as loved and cherished as i do.
Right here.
Right now.
In our life together.
I have had the lip service.
I have heard all the flowery prose and declarations of everlasting love.
All with a trace of bullshit.
And here he is, never voicing any ideations of love but, nonetheless, i feel loved. More loved than i ever have by any other man. He makes my heart ache with joy, with pride, with gratitude, with a happiness that rocks me to my core. I spend my days caring for him, caring for his other possessions but, mostly i spend my days thinking of ways to make this man smile. His anger tears at my heart, his correction spurs me to work harder, his unhappiness fills my head with ideas to make him feel better, his compliments fill me with a level of personal gratification i thought wasn't possible.
He has taken me places in my submission i never thought i'd venture, like the watersports cherry he popped this weekend. ::grin:: Not to mention, a diet and exercise program. That was previously a deal breaker. So was quitting smoking. So were quite a few other things i gave up amazingly easily, for him. I truly believe that there is nothing he couldn't ask or require of me that i'd not turn my world over to provide simply because he has made me desire to give him all that i am.
It's been nearly 30 days, we have not had sex, we have not played seriously. Some teasing, some touching, but the level of intimacy is greater than in all the other relationships i have had (well, with a couple of non-romantic exceptions), in and out of this life of ours. He has proven to me that this is NOT about sex, and that it IS about something much deeper.
Master, you promised me a new life, a new attitude, and a new body.
You've delivered on all counts.
I hang on your every word.
I honor you with my obedience.
I pay attention to every nuance.
I accept you for who and what you are because you accept me in turn.
Thank you, Master.
Thank you for being right.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for making me be patient.
Thank you for showing me the way.
Thank you for choosing me.
I love you.
I adore you.
I kiss the ground you walk on.
Happily.
Gratefully.
Joyfully.
I am finally becoming everything i was always meant to be and you are becoming the center of my world.
How lucky are we?
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::day twenty-three::
Master and i had a lovely evening. He had an emergency to tend to after hours last night and had to pass by our home. He actually called and asked me if i wanted to ride with him to the site. Hehe, of course i did, Master. Any time we can spend together is precious time, and appreciated. We came in kind of late, had dinner, and went to bed. Master was really pretty exhausted. He didn't go to sleep until he toyed with me just a tad. And it seems a tad is all it takes to get me absolutely drenched with my own wetness. Sometimes, it seems all it takes is being in close enough proximity to smell his uniquely masculine scent. I even went so far as to ask if i'd be in trouble for leaving wet spots on his bed, lol. He denied me sucking his cock, but he did allow me to lick on his balls and cock as long as i did not take it into my mouth. This lasted only a short time before, for the first time ever, i begged for release. As soon as i did, he directed me to remove myself from between his legs and lie at the foot of his bed. I was a bit confused at first, prompting me to ask if i had done something wrong. He replied by telling me no, i had done nothing wrong and as a matter of fact, i had been a very good girl and my attitude was exactly what he was hoping for, and that he was very pleased with me. I laid there at the foot of his bed for a few minutes before the tears began welling up in my eyes. This orgasm denial is beginning to take it's toll. I was so knotted up in my stomach, and aching to be touched, but i know Master wants me to hold back, that it will be pleasing to him if i do. The emotional impact the denial is having is a bit overwhelming at times, and instead of becoming incensed, i merely asked if i could be held, that i needed to be held. Wonderful as Master is, he granted my request. He told me if it was too much for me to handle that he'd send me to the guestroom to sleep. I begged him not to, stating that it is harder to be without him next to me than it is to suffer a frenzied pussy. He wrapped his strong hand in my hair, tugged slightly, and told me he didn't want to hear a single complaint about how frustrating it is being next to him and told me to go to sleep and that maybe he'd take me to Key West this weekend to play. ::yippee!!:: There was something about the way he whispered this to me, his hand tangled in my mass of hair that put me instantly at ease and i fell asleep almost immediately. And he allowed me to sleep next to him, but on top of the blanket. I feel myself going farther and farther into a space where my deeper mind is surrendering to him, not just my conscious mind.
I have waited so long for this, my Master.
You were well worth the toads i had to kiss to get here, for i have found my King.
And thank you for the tender way you woke me this morning, your hand holding the side of my face. Sometimes, you completely blow me away. ::soft smile::
Thank you, Master.
::besos:: Te amo, por siempre. |
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::day twenty-two::
Master allowed me to sleep in his bed last night. It was wonderful. I even felt him scoot farther down towards the foot of the bed to allow me to snuggle next to his legs.
Gawd, i think he is the sexiest man alive.
Sometimes, he catches me staring at him, and i wonder what the look on my face says. And i see him looking back at me, with an almost, "why is she staring at me, again?" look.
I see this really awesome person, even with his frustrating moments, and feel lucky he has chosen me.
I see him with eyes full of wonder and amazement.
Not to mention, pure, unadulterated lust.
But, that just might be the orgasm denial rearing it's ugly head, lol.
He says i have been a very good girl, and since i spent the night in his bed, apparently my punishment is over.
Thank you, Master.
I love you more with each passing day.
I have been trying very hard to keep Sybil locked up.
I still feel like caca, i still ache with depression, but i am manic, too.
I guess that helps--being manic, at least i keep busy enough to exhaust myself everyday.
Keep your fingers crossed for us, out there.
If any two people deserved to make this work, we do. |
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::day twenty-one::
Master and i had an uneventful day, as far as emotional outbursts go. I didn't get upset and neither did he. He told me that, today, i was an absolute joy to be around, that when i am in such a good mood, he WANTS to be with me.
We laughed, we joked, i won a radio station contest.
Did you know Americans consume 7.4 million tons of toilet tissue a year?
Neither did i, but it was a damn good guess and it won me free chicken. lol
My daughter was named class valedictorian and is being interviewed by the local news back home.
All in all, it was an exemplary day.
He allowed me to snuggle in his bed and watch TV. He allowed me to suck his cock, and then he gave me his seed to swallow. He sent me to sleep in the guestroom. He made sure i wasn't confused, but, i understood. My punishment isn't over. I was out of line and have to suffer the consequences of my actions. At least he hasn't shunned me. At least i still get to touch him and kiss him and breathe in the delicious scent that is solely him.
Master woke up smiling this morning.
This fact makes me smile.
Even though i feel like caca.
My back hurts. My insides ache with intangible sadness.
I know Master will be home tonight, and if i merely ask, he will hold me.
He'll hold me just like he did last night, when i awoke from a horrid nightmare about priests and no more souls and fire and called to him from across the hall. He allowed me to come out of the guestroom, kneel next to his bed and he stroked my back and held me close until the shivering subsided.
This is worth every bit of energy i have spent.
This is worth every pissed off moment i have had.
This is worth every tear i have cried.
This is worth every hearty laugh i have had.
I love you, Master.
Thank you. |
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::day twenty::
OK, so we've mutually decided not to throw the baby out with the bath water. We both have so much invested. We've been through so much. And i am no quitter, neither is Master. So, this is the jam.
I am going home next wednesday. Stay in chicago until my daughters graduation, then return, with my meds.
I was such a brat yesterday, too.
Television on, in his chair, on his computer. All major no-no's.
But he forgave me, banished me to the guestroom bed for the night, but at least he had it in him to discipline me and not let my bad behavior slide. I would have lost respect if i could have twisted him in a knot. I am glad he is who he is.
He pisses me off sometimes, deeply.
But i love him, deeply.
And i do not love with conditions, i love people i love, warts and all.
I think it shocked Master.
He asked, how could i love him when i ripped him apart with my words, expressed all the things that irk me beyond reason.
I answered, because i can love you in spite of your faults, no one is perfect and if i saved loving for only perfection, i'd never love anyone.
He had a look of amazement on his face. Like he had never heard of unconditional love.
Master, i can get angry, but i forgive.
I can point out things that make me livid, and love you anyway.
I can accept anything you throw at me, just never blow smoke up my ass.
It's really simple.
I know i piss you off sometimes. Unbelievably pissed off. But, you think i am awesome, neat, cool, groovy. I think the same about you. And nothing is ever *perfect* without work. You've agreed to work with me, and i thank you for your patience.
I make this public vow to you, your investment in me will not be misplaced.
I am worth every moment, every forgiveness, every kindness.
What you invest in me, you'll get back in triple.
I love you.
I surrender to you.
You have won my heart and all it entails.
::besos:: |
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::day nineteen::
i have decided it is time to return home, permanently.
this is not the place for me.
i have made some amazing progress.
lost weight.
quit smoking.
eat healthier.
and he takes the credit.
while i did the work.
he said he proved he could mold me into what he wanted.
yes, he could have. had he expressed even the slightest bit of empathy and compassion, i would have made him my world.
and i proved i WANTED to be molded by him.
and at a great personal and emotional sacrifice of self.
all for naught.
well, maybe not naught.
i have the knowledge i can look better on the outside.
i have the knowledge i have the self discipline to "get 'r done".
i have an arsenal full of new excercises and a new sense of my own ability to accomplish anything i CHOOSE to.
these gifts i can take home with me, and i suppose a "thank you" of gratitude is in order.
i look better on the ouside, even if i feel like shit on the inside.
i can go home and continue my body quest, with my meds.
and look awesome on the outside and feel awesome on the inside.
i don't have to make a choice between looking good and feeling good, i CAN and WILL have both.
he sees what he chooses, he hears what he chooses, his own arrogance and my own self-preservation ideations tore this thing of ours asunder and we both have lost.
i lost someone who has the gentleness i so crave, but who is too afraid of letting it be seen lest he feel less than 100% in control.
i lost the consistency i so deserve and desire.
i lost i piece of my heart.
he lost a loyal, devoted, determined, kind, gentle, slave.
he asked for my submission, he lost my surrender.
he lost someone who would be in his corner, suffer for his happiness, and sacrifice her own wants because he asked her to.
he believes me to be manipulative.
i believe he chooses not to acknowledge my goodness, lest it result in a "feeling".
he believes my illness is something i WANT.
i believe in genetics.
he called me a sloth.
i won't type what i almost typed because it just doesn't make nice to answer cruelty with cruelty.
i'll take the high road.
and the greyhound home. |
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::day seventeen::
The day started out well, but as it progressed it got worse. As well as my attitude. Master had me running late for my morning walk, which i prefer to do before it gets too hot, i am after all, a polar bear from Chicago and heat doesn't suit us well. We had slept in that morning, and Master decided he wanted me to service him with my mouth, sucking and licking his balls and ass while he did his emails and such. After well over an hour of this, i began to cry, you know the kind, that deep soul crying. My body was shaking like a leaf in the wind and i was totally confused about what was happening to me. I asked Master, and he said had i ever concentrated that intently on a man's ass before. No, Master, i said, but after thinking about it, i probably have. The main difference, i didn't have the intense feelings for the prior experience that i seem to have developed for Master. I ended up not going on my walk until well after 10:30am and i was emotionally a wreck. I cried the entire way to the halfway point of my walk, it was so bad i ended up having to sit down on a rock and compose myself. By this time, it had gotten extremely hot and i knew i had another 2.5 miles to go before i was back home. I walked and sweated and sweated and walked and got nearly home whn i began feeling quite lightheaded. I stopped to gather myself and apparently, i fainted. The next thing i knew, a nice lady was over me asking me if i was ok. She let me use her phone to call Master to have him come and get me, which of course, he did. He then asked me how long i had been laying on the ground taking a nap before she came along. Needless to say, i was livid, insulted, hurt. For Master to think this was all some huge ploy for attention just cut me to the quick. He had me come in and lie down for about 30min and then he instructed me to get up and finish my workout routine, which consists of an abdominal video, an upper body workout, a yoga workout and 3 sets of leg lifts. I was appalled. Here i had just fainted 30min earlier, and he was asking me to exert even more energy. Sometimes, i just don't understand, but Master made it pretty clear to me. I became increasingly more upset and began crying. I asked to take my meds and to have a timeout in my corner, request denied. That's when it happened. I blurted out that i needed my meds and my corner, i could not for the life of me get control and calm down. I walked off, took my meds and proceeded to my corner. Of course, this was complete and blatant disobeying. While in the corner, i asked to use Master's phone, and then i really stepped into it. I called my child to see if she could get in touch with my aunt. I was feeling overwhelmed, pushed too hard, and felt the need to get out of here. I no longer felt safe, cared for. Master was highly offended by my use of a safe call. I was highly offended that he didn't give a shit about my health, mental or otherwise. This of course spun off into a discussion about my meds, my psych diagnoses, and how he thinks in some small part that i am too smart and that i have devised this grand plan to use my knowledge to work the system, get "free" money and garner sympathy from society at large. I have never felt so hurt as i did at that moment. For him to think such a horrible thing about me. Not that it makes any logical sense, c'mon. I was making $40+ an hour, bringing home $1100 a week, with no kids to support, no one but me to spend the money on, but i opted, because i am soooo smart, to cut my income to just barely over $600 PER MONTH, half of what one paycheck used to consist of. I must be crazy, because no one in their right mind would go from $4400 a month to $600 a month because they chose to be "lazy." Which, i think, is what Master feels about me. Talk about feeling just a tad salty, a whole bunch insulted, and belittled beyond belief. Needless to say, because i chose to use a safecall, he has decided to make me live with the repercussions of my decision. I must leave now, not permanently, but i have to have to take advantage of my need for a break. He has asked me to come back, and has instructed me to go ahead and ask my aunt if i can come visit her for a week and then come back here. He wants this seperation now. I think we need it. I am no longer allowed to sleep next to him. I am either to be at the foot of his bed, a layer of blankets seperating us, or more than arm's length from him. Or, there is always the option of sleeping in the guestroom. He says it is because he wants me to sleep, seeing as i cannot be within smelling distance of him without becoming uncontrollably horny. I think it has entirely everything to do with my safe call. See, what i didn't know at the time i was having my tantrum is that he had planned to take me shopping in Key West for a new buttplug, to get me ready for him (even though i do not need "getting ready", lol) and that he had decided that he was going to offer me a permanent place in his home. As much as that may sound lovely to me on more levels than i ever dreamed, i am terrified about being denied my meds. Master seems to think because they didn't take a biopsy of my brain and cannot decisively "prove" i have a chemical imbalance, and the fact that most of us crazies are diagnosed based on behavior, that it is just a matter of modifying those behaviors. I do not agree. And i am confused.
And i want to stay. And i have begun to need this man. And i have begun to love this man. And i know myself well enough to know that no matter what happy thoughts he puts in my head, no matter how much he praises me, that what the blues hit, i have the potential to attempt suicide. That when pushed too far, when out of control, i could "snap" in my brain and lob something at his head, say cruel, vicious things i do not mean, or otherwise hurt this man, unintentionally. I do not want to cause anyone harm, i do not believe behavior modification is called for here, i am highly offended by his characterization of me.
My mind is warring with my heart.
And the band plays on.
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::day sixteen::
Master came in quite exhausted last night. I wasn't expecting him until at least a half hour later than when he arrived home, he startled me a bit when he came walking through the door. I felt the panic creep up on me a bit, i tend to scare easily.
I went out today for my morning walk and took the camera with me again. I hope i got some good shots. Master and i went through the shots i took yesterday, some of the ones i took of the local flora and fauna were just lovely. I hope he allows me to post some of them here, that is, after he teaches me how to edit and clean them up. I really like using the camera, and i have some semblance of pride about a beautiful photo. Thank you, Master, for allowing me to do this special project.
I ended up having to translate Master's lunch note from yesterday, hehe. When i finally told him what it meant, i was sitting on the floor next to him while he ate his breakfast. He was eerily quiet, but that is just his way. I have begun to understand that when he says nothing it means he has taken it to heart. Or, in the instance of me completeing a task, if he says nothing, he has noted i have done it, it is only when he mentions it that i know he is disappointed. He tried to explain this to me this morning, little does he know, i know this about him already. See, Master, you aren't the only one who notices things. ::grin::
Last night we had a little miscommunication and i think it ended up making him feel a little bad. He turned in early for bed, i still had dishes to finish washing, drying and putting away. He went to lie down, and when i was finished, and had brushed my teeth and gotten into proper sleep attire, lol, which around here is nada, i went in as usual and knelt next to Master's bed. He was sleeping so peacefully, i gently kissed his hands, touched his back lightly, but still, he didn't awaken. I waited for quite a while before it just got too cold. See, here in paradise, the A/C is always on, and sometimes, when naked, a body can tend to get a bit chilled. So, when i could no longer take the cold against my skin, i laid across the foot of Master's bed and covered up with his spare blanket. That was at 8:30pm or so, i figured eventually he'd wake up and notice me there and invite me to crawl into bed next to him, but i just didn't feel right crawling next to him without permission. Sleeping curled up next to him is a priveledge, not an inherent right. So there i laid, quiet as a church mouse, feeling Master accidentally clip me with the occasional wild foot, lol. Still, i didn't move or make a sound. It wasn't until about midnight that Master awoke and realized i was not next to him. The sound of hurt in his voice when he asked why i wasn't next to him and why i was at the foot of his bed almost brought tears to my eyes. The last thing i wanted was for him to feel badly for where i had fallen asleep. He said he had wanted me to sleep next to him, and not at the foot of the bed. He immediately instructed me to get into bed next to him, and i did, grateful for the warmth and safety sleeping under his arm provides. He then drew me deep into the curve of his shoulder, holding me so tightly and began apologizing to me and covering the top of my head with tender kisses, gawd, how i love when he does that. ::soft smile:: I told him that it was ok, that i understood how tired he was and i just felt too guilty waking him up, he instructed me to make sure i wake him up next time. No more sleeping at the end of his bed, unless he isn't here or i am being punished. My Master is the sweetest man, never seeming to surprise me with the kindness he bestows upon me. I am one lucky lil girl. Thank you, Master. ::besos::
He also saw fit to allow me to listen to my own CD's today. I am an absolute music-o-phile and I have been asking about my music since i've been here, and until now, he has denied me them. I asked today, and to my surprise and childish glee, he said yes. Thank you, Master. If he had seen me skipping down the walkway like a happy lil 5th grader, he probably would have laughed his hiney off. Every day just gets better with you, Master. As we say in the 'hood, "Dude, you freakin' rock!" ::giggles:: |
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::day fifteen::
Master was on call last night, and just as we were turning in for the night, wouldn't you know it, his phone began to ring. As if he hasn't been putting in tons of overtime already, once again he was set to sleep and his plan for rest went awry. I have a very difficult time sleeping when he is not there next to me. Seems i have become far more attached to him and his presence than i realized. It is ok, i am supposed to be attached to him, but it makes me a bit nervous, seeing as he has not made a definitive decision whether or not he will offer me a permanent place in his home. I am beginning to become attached to the point that, if he so chooses not to keep me, i will be crushed. Master says he is happy with me so far, but i know there are things he wishes for me to do before he makes a final decision. Things he needs to know i can do for him. Things i can do without question, or hesitancy, or emotional outbursts. I know what some of these things are, and as difficult as i may find some of what he asks, i will obey, joyfully. I do, after all, want him to take pride in owning me. If there are any feelings, i will contain them until later, when we can talk about such things in depth. I understand his need to test my limits, to make sure my mouth doesn't write checks my ass can't cash. ::winks:: It's an odd feeling, knowing you're being mindfucked. Aware of every nuance of it, seeing it as it is coming, but unable to stop it, not wanting to stop it. ::giggles::
I did manage to slip a note into Master's lunch today, i'd hate to disappoint him. ::smiles:: He was joking with me this morning, which i hadn't expected, after all, he came home last night very late from an "emergency" that turned out to be nothing more than a computer glitch. I know he was tired, i could see it in his eyes. By the way, have i ever mentioned Master has the most STUNNING blue eyes i have ever been blessed enough to gaze into? He says the ocean is a wonderful shade of blue, but in all honesty, the ocean has nothing on the beauty of his eyes. Anyway, back to Master joking with me, he seems to be getting more and more comfortable with me, he seems to be understanding my nature more and more, like my playfulness. For instance, it shows in ways like him looking at me stone-faced and saying something he knows i'll take completely serious, then winking one of those fall-into-and-lose-yourself-blue eyes followed by this impish little grin.
He allowed me to take his digital camera on my walk today, and gave me permission to stop along my walk at the nature trails. I took some neat photos, i think, lol, hard to tell because it is so sunny here, i could barely see the preview screen to see what i was snapping shots of. Maybe some of them will be suitable enough for Master to post to this profile.
I received a most astonishing letter this morning in my e-mail, in regards to this journal. It was highly complimentary and i'd like to publicly thank the young lady who wrote to tell me her thoughts. I passed your letter on to Master, hopefully it will make him smile as much as it did me. I am always humbled and surprised when i am complimented so highly when it comes to my writing. It (writing) was never what i would have thought to be my forte, but it seems i strike a chord with some people, i am blessed to be able to touch others, even if it is remote and distant and in the form of the internet. Thank you, everyone, who takes the time to read the ramblings of an insane lil slavegirl. |
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::day fourteen::
Well, Master left in a crappy mood this morning, our schedule has been trashed the last couple of days because of his work schedule. It's been hard on both of us, although, i haven't had an emotional outburst in 5 days, hooray for me! I told Master i'd do much better with meds. ::giggling:: I am a lot less stressful to him when my mood is stable, and a lot less stress to myself, as well. I also find it easier to smile, even if depression creeps in.
Tonight, Master came home and i asked about his lunch, you know, was it ok? He said yes, and where was his note. He so makes me giddy as a schoolgirl on the inside. Most times he says nothing at all, then completely knocks me on my ass by mentioning something like that. I didn't think he had gotten used to the notes that quickly, or that they even made a difference to his day, because honestly, he never mentioned them one way or the other. Now, i know for sure that he enjoys them. However small, they make an impact on his day, and that brings a smile to my face. Tonight, i laid across the foot of his bed for the first time. We had discussed this prior to my coming here, and lying across the foot of the bed was always in the context of punishment. I went to get him a glass of juice and when i came back and kneeled next to his side of the bed, he had me lay my head down and listen to him carefully. He instructed me to lie across the foot of the bed, that i was not being punished, but that he wanted to teach me something. I went to the foot of the bed, laid across it widthwise, and he began rubbing my body with his feet. I know, it sounds a bit odd, but there was something quite loving in it all. I laid there absolutely quiet, with the exception of an occassional cooing sound i am wont to make when i am feeling perfectly serene. Thank you, Master, that was awesome.
I was getting out of the shower earlier, and i haven't really been paying attention to changes in my body since my daily workouts began, but i slipped into this lil pink sundress Master bought me a couple of weeks ago, and i don't know why, but the shape of my body caught my eye. I was actually dumbfounded by what i saw. My whole shape is changing. I mentioned this lil epiphany to Master, and he was surprised i hadn't noticed earlier. He said he noticed changes as early as the end of last week. I was floored, i didn't think i'd see changes this dramatic this quickly. Gives me a lil something to be proud of, and a lot of something for Master to be proud of. I cannot wait until my body is just as he wants and desires it to be.
All in all, today has been a wonderful day.
Paradise and a good Master can do that to a girl, though ::winks::
***Master, tu eddes mi amor y tu tienes me corazon, por siempre. ::besos::*** |
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::day thirteen::
Master has been working this insane schedule for the last two days and he is exhausted. Even though i have been feeling so sad, i have done my best to spare him the drama of my insanity, the last thing he needs right now is to deal with my mental illness. He has been allowing me my medications, and because of that, i have been much better equipped to handle this bout of downswing. Thank you, Master, for realizing my meds were something so vitally important to my health. I so admire you and the fact that when you see something isn't working as you expected, that you are willing to make modifications, that when i am so unhappy, you make changes to insure i am happier. Your graciousness affects me in ways i am not so sure i express as outwardly as i should. My heart is becoming more and more tender in regards to you. You have endeared yourself to me in ways i cannot fully express with mere words.
As for last night, oh my. Master decided that he wanted me to sleep with his cock in my mouth. Sleep, lol, yeah right. He has me so charged i'd hump an air guitar if it was close enough, and he really thought i was going to be able to sleep. I know he realizes the effect he has on me, i cannot get within 2 feet of him, or smell his masculine scent without tingling in my naughty places. ::blushes:: But, i am convinced he knows this and has devised all of this for my torture. Thank you, Master. ::grins wickedly:: Many nights i lie beside him and ache, wishing i had the brazeness to beg for release, to beg for his touch, to beg for the feel of his cock in my mouth, but i am still too shy around him for such behavior, besides the fact i do not feel i have the right to ask for such kindnesses. My body is beginning to NEED him, and that is just mind boggling to me. I have no idea how bumfuzzled i'll end up being when he finally sees fit to play with me with some deeper intensity. Subspace here i come.
On another note, i am still getting up daily and doing a five mile walk. This morning it was pouring down rain in paradise. I got nearly all the way through my walk when a torrent of rain began to fall. I hate disturbing Master, but when i came to visit, he didn't anticipate me needing anything warmer than a t-shirt and didn't instruct me to bring anything warmer. Well, today, i needed something more, besides the fact i ruined my workout shoes in ankle deep rain on my walk. Master was really sweet about the call, though. He instructed me to go take a hot shower, turn off the A/C, and go get one of his sweatshirts so that i could warm up (with the added benefit of being able to smell him in the fabric ::swoon::). He told me to do the best i could at my workout, sans shoes.
We presently have one of Master's friends and fellow workers staying with us for the next couple of days. Master apologized to me for having this happen, he thought it would have made me nervous or stressed. He is so aware of me sometimes, all the while perpetrating as if he hasn't noticed a damn thing, lol. Gawd, i think you are amazing, Master. It has made our routine a bit different, and i missed sitting at his feet this morning as he ate his breakfast, instead i sat at the table with him, which felt altogether...ODD.
I managed to slip another sweet, little note into his lunch today, lol. I love being able to give him little uplifts during the day like that, without disturbing him by ringing his phone. I was so surprised, Saturday, when he took me to work with him, i saw the last note i slipped him in his lunch sitting right there on his desk and as he was cleaning his desk off, i just figured he'd toss it out, but wouldn't you know it, he set it aside, like some important document. And he didn't even realize how wonderful he made me feel with such a small gesture. He thinks he has a lot to offer because he lives in paradise, because his life is very stable, because he has the means to care for and support a 24/7 stay-at-home slave the way he is supposed to. These things may be important to some, but to me they are incidental. His real worth, his real value, his real offerings are much more ethereal. The saving of notes, the kindnesses he bestows, the kisses on the forehead, the caring and tenderness he provides, the schedule he has me adhere to religiously, the tone in his voice when he asked about a gift i bought him before i came to visit and why it hadn't been displayed properly (he called it *beautiful*). I wonder if he knows i know this, or if he thinks i am just here because he lives in paradise.::wink::
Master, the universe has my eternal gratitude for blessing me with you.
p.s. Master just had me shave him, in a most sensitive of areas. Being that i have been shaved by someone other than myself in my nether regions, i know the amount of trust this requires. Thank you, Master for trusting me that much, giving me your trust is the greatest of honors. |
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::day twelve::
I wish Master understood that happy thoughts don't keep the darkness away.
I wish he could feel how much my heart is breaking because he misconstrues my fun nature and blunt honesty as disrespect.
I wish i didn't have all the intense feelings for him that i do.
I wish i didn't feel like i will never be good enough.
I wish i didn't want to run like hell.
I wish i didn't feel so much guilt and self-loathing about the prospect of possibly letting Master down.
I wish i wasn't crazy.
He says i am the closest thing he has ever seen to his ideal of a slave, that he thinks me an awesome lady, that i take good care of him and his home, that he enjoys my company, but that sometimes, many times, he finds me distasteful/disrespectful. That thought makes me bleed. It negates all the good things he thinks. How can he actually think what he does, if i disappoint him as often as he says?
I am trying as i might not to spend the rest of my day curled up in my corner, weeping.
He says we are in paradise.
He says that he called to see if i was "feeling" better.
He says life is good.
He says these are all reasons for the darkness to be gone.
But it isn't gone, and i feel like i am slipping farther and farther into it. Farther and farther away from what he desires. More and more reason to hate myself, to hate the secret feeling that i am merely a fake, to hate this monster in my head.
I am so sorry, Master. |
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::day eleven::
apparently, i am constantly disrespectful.
apparently, this journal seems disrespectful to Master.
now i do not even know what to write here.
i feel emotionally stifled.
frustrated.
without an honest outlet for so many feelings.
my playful nature doused with ice water.
just another shitty day in paradise.
i need my meds.
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::day ten::
well, i set the alarm clock wrong, again. it never ceases to amaze me how i could graduate HS almost two years early, can build just about anything, but cannot for the life of me get an alarm clock to go off when it needs to. Thank gawd Master is patient, even if his pet peeve is running late for work. He was very kind about it, saw how upset i was becoming, and stopped me dead, pulled me into a wonderful hug, and told me to calm down, that it was alright, just hurry up and get ready. Hehe, Master had a surprise for me, he took me with him to work. I traipsed around after him all day, watching what he does, asking questions, admiring the way he does things. It was really pretty neat to see this side of him, and to see his nature in a different environment. He took me out at lunchtime and we shot 3 games of pool, lol, i actually won one game, and gave him a pretty good run on the other two, making it to the eight ball in the one game and then scratching after the eight ball fell =/. I think Master finds it kind of groovy that he can hang out with me and do things he enjoys and that i enjoy them as well (not to mention, i am pretty good at most of them). I don't think he was quite expecting to have as much fun with me as he has over the last ten days. We went and did a little shopping, and Master bought me two new dresses. I was never one much for wearing them, but they do have a way of making me feel very pretty. Thank you, Master, for requiring i wear them, and with exception of the one dress i call the "Mrs. Roper dress", you seem to have really good taste in clothes, Master. LOL!! I had a chance to take a new walk today, less than my normal 5 miles, but it was so lovely. Master, you really know how to make my day sometimes ::wink::, even if you suggest i swim in the ocean! We spent the better part of the afternoon sorting through Master's stuff from storage, his home is a wreck, and it is making me crazy! (i know, Master, i know, i am already crazy!) well, enough for now, this girl is very happy and content at the moment. And we all know, a happy girl makes for a happier Master.
Ain't that right, Master? ::winks and blows a kiss::
Oh, and just a little update on the meds and kids issues:
Master has seen fit to allow me my meds as i need them and he has granted me extra phone time with my kids. Thank you, Master. ::smiles happily:: |
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::day nine::
well, Master was packed off to work this morning with a mitt full of info on my psych diagnoses from the Mayo Clinic. Master is so dead set against any kind of drugs, and i honored his request not to bring any into his home, even if they were prescribed meds. I know it was a tenuous and possibly dangerous thing to do, stopping my meds like i did, but he was sure he'd be able to erase my need for them. Just a bit of miseducation and misinformation on his part. Now after several very emotional outbursts of my mood, i think he is willing to reconsider his stance on my meds. I am not doing so well, i am swinging from high to low and back again more times a day than Carter has pills, and the stress of this roller coaster is beginning to show with Master. I tried explaining to him that this was the probable outcome, but of course, he had to see for himself . Now he sees the ugly head of mental illness rear up and bite. It isn't as if he does not try and do right by me, he gives me positive thoughts to concentrate on. Like, this morning, he told me how well he thinks i am taking care of him and his home, that i was doing a really great job. Positive thoughts work sometimes, but it doesn't seem to ward off the deep feelings of sadness. It probably doesn't help that i am missing my kids as much as i am and the fact i know they are missing me and are pissed at him for curtailing our contact. My daily routine is getting easier and easier, more and more comfortable, and i am finding some semblance of peace in it all, which i so adore. This morning i was kneeling at Master's feet while he was eating his breakfast, i shuddered a bit, he asked me if i was cold, i told him no. He then asked what was wrong, i told him that nothing was wrong, but that sometimes just being next to him gives me the chills. Seems most of the time i cannot keep my hands or mouth or lips off of him, i need to be touching him all the time, it is so odd to me to feel the need to touch another's flesh so strongly. I find myself curled up next to him so tightly some nights i have no idea how he gets any rest. And this morning, oh my gawd. I woke up with the need to suck his cock almost overwhelming me, and just smelling his skin makes me ache to grind my pussy against him, i feel this intense tingling that starts in my spine and spreads over my entire lower body. I have never felt like this before and i find it a bit unsettling, to say the least, and the oddest thing of all, is we have yet to even have sex, we haven't even kissed, and he has me this flustered. ::sigh:: What a lovely ache it is, though. Thank you, Master. |
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::day eight::
My day started out as usual, waking Master, readying his shower, laying out his clothes, preparing his breakfast and packing his lunch. I was dressed before he got out to breakfast, ready to go on my walk as soon as he left for the day. I needed to take out the trash and add a quart of oil to his truck, and i got a chance to do this just as the sun was breaking through the night sky. This place is so amazingly beautiful, and the pure unadulterated joy of seeing such spectacular sights never ceases to stop me dead in my tracks. Master allowed me not to call him halfway through my morning walk, up until today he'd been having me call and verify i was where he expected me to be by reading off some benign road sign i could only know if i was standing right in front of it, but this morning he said it wasn't necessary, thank you, Master, for trusting me, you made me feel like a million bucks with that small gesture and i don't even know if you realize it. My day is a pretty laid back one, the usual chores, and an added responsibility that shows Master's trust--he wanted me to try and work on a computer he is repairing for someone else, but, of course, the computer had other ideas and snubbed it's nose at Master completely. ::giggles:: My workout will be done later on, my chores finished, reading the MS Outlook manual ::woohoo:: will be done, as dry as that task is ::laughing:: and of course, the responsibility of writing in this new journal everyday. Thank you for a place to write about my days, Master. Maybe now i won't chatter you to death when you come home, LOL.
I did some thinking on my walk, we really need to come to some kind of agreement as far as the kids and mimi go. They are hating you, and i am caught in the middle, my responsiblity to them warring with my responsibility to you, and it has my focus all askew. Oh, and just so you know, you said some things last night that shook me to my core. Telling me if i didn't swallow Mr. V's cum that you'd make me do a vagrant. Uhuh, sure. I don't think you'd risk my health that way, you have no idea if said vagrant has aids, syphillis, HPV, herpes, hepatitis and i doubt highly you'd risk injuring me with any of these diseases. Telling me you'd make me sleep in the bed with Mr. V when he comes to visit. That rocked me to my soul, don't you see yet that YOU are what i NEED. Your arms allow me rest peacefully, not the arms of a stranger. My heart is bleeding again because you just don't understand me. I can't fathom why you'd make me need you to desperation and then force me to hold back. Demand complete surrender and then force me to feel independent of you. My mind isn't grasping it. I think i need perspective, Master. Hopefully after you read this, you'll give me some so all this makes sense to me. This emotional roller coaster you keep me on is almost unbearable and without my meds i am just about out of control on the inside. And while we're on the subject of meds we really need to discuss this matter and you really should read some more on the diagnoses.
Oh, and a little funny. As i was going over the bridge on my morning walk, i happened upon a couple of young men fishing. I was only aware of the one guy, the other one was pretending to be a blanket on the sidewalk. Anyway, i was just walking along, and there it was. A shark. A friggin SHARK!! Hooked to the end of a fishing pole. Needless to say, it scared the bejeezus out of me, i am a Chicago girl after all and i have never seen anything like that before. I yelped out, "holy shit! is that real?" and the blanket rose up like an apparition and answered back "no, it's fake!". Apparently, i scared the blanketman as much as his shark on a hook scared me. I suppose it'll make for a good giggle for Master when he comes home. And for the first time in all the days i've been making these morning treks about the island, the bicycle man has been startling me nearly every morning, well, he didn't get me today Master, just like you said. ::wink:: |
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::our first week::
Today marks one week i have been here with Master. I arrived one week ago, taking two flights, the first being fairly good, as far as airplane rides go. The second flight was delayed, the plane had an electrical problem. My phone wasn't working and i was unable to even call Master and let him know. Thankfully, the flight attendant was a kind soul and allowed me to use her phone and call Master. It was kind of funny, seeing as he had no clue who the call was from and he never answers calls from numbers he does not recognize. I finally arrived at the airport, over an hour late, and was able to reach Master via payphone, frantic and a bit panicked. The cab driver he had prepaid was waiting for me, but Master opted to come and pick me up personally, having me tell the driver to go on and take another fare. He arrived at the airport about 15min after i called him and we left to go to a landmark bar in Key West for a drink. Master knew i was not a drinker, but he insisted i have a Mojito, lemme tell ya, YUCK. Our first night was kinda screwy, Master's work schedule is a bit odd at times, to say the least, and we ended up having to wake up at 1am to see him off to work. He was sweet enough to allow me to return to bed until 6am. That morning i began my new excercise routine, a 5 mile walk. It was a little scary at first, not knowing the area, not knowing my surroundings, and not knowing much at all about this new place i was in, PTSD can make new experiences like this one harrowing, to say the least. Master thought i wouldn't be able to handle a 5 mile walk, he even alluded that i'd be crying from pain in my legs after a 2 mile walk, but i think i surprised him just a tad. It was kind of neat, the path he gave me to walk, i got to see a lot of really cool critters and such, native to where we are, like deer, lizards, birds, and, oh the ever present wild rooster, they are a hoot! I attempted to straighten up his home a bit and prepared dinner for him. That night Master had another early morning to be into work, so it was up at 1am again, he allowed me to sleep until 6am again, mighty nice of him, wouldn't ya say? ::grin:: I did get up with him and start his shower, make a little breakfast and lay his clothes out for the day. There is something very comforting about this routine he's developed for me, although, sometimes it can get a bit lonely. Saturday we were going to go out, but we needed to go to the grocery store first. Master said some things that just sent me livid, emotional triggers, and needless to say i had a mild temper tantrum in the store. Nothing overt or loud, i just wasn't smiling and was eerily quiet. I know this kind of thing disturbs Master and gets him angry, but sometimes he frustrates me beyond belief. He ended up sending me to the truck to pout alone. I don't think i'll be pouting again any time soon. The disappoinment in his face was crushing, and the discussion we had when we got home brought me to tears. He was really generous about forgiving me and ended up taking me that afternoon down to Key West, to show me all of the groovy tourist-ish things to do down there. Mind you, he didn't make it all wine and roses, he stuck this totally harsh remote controlled vibrator with these viscious little nubs on it in my ass and i wore it for the truck ride, and for quite a while as he walked me all around Key West. I was sweating and got nauseous. I'm not sure why, pain maybe? Teetering on the edge of subspace? More likely. He took scads of photos of me, and even allowed another tourist to take one of Us together. This surprised me because only moments earlier he had stated he was not going to allow that to happen. I must admit, i had a great time and he was a wonderful tour guide. Then he took me to shoot a couple of games of pool, again i think i surprised him, we played three games and i actually won one. Our schedule is pretty regimented, up at 5:30am, start Master's shower, make the bed, lay out his clothes, prepare his breakfast, turn all the lights in the house on, open the blinds so he can watch the sunrise, wiping down the shower when he is finished, making sure the right set of towels is up on the rack. So many details, sometimes i am afraid i won't remember them all. I get a little more confident every day, but those first couple of days were harrowing, to say the least. Not to mention, i have a terrible time sleeping and came down with an awful cold the morning after my arrival, and i was a bit out of sorts mentally, feeling ill and sleep deprived. I never thought i'd "get" it. I thought he'd have me sleeping on the floor at any moment. Sunday was just one of those lazy days, Master and i hung out at home, he watched some TV, which is a rarity here, and i sat next to him on the floor as he took a much needed nap. Later that day, we went over a new exercise routine to add to the walking i was already doing. It sucks, to say the least. I don't mind the leg lifts, or the ab video, but this damn resistance thing i use for my upper body burns like hell. I suppose it is all good if the desired effect is a body Master can be proud of, even if i despise it secretly, lol.
::sigh:: Master has a tendency to be rather cold. Sometimes, i don't think he realizes just how harsh he comes off. That night he said something rather cruel and i asked permission to sit in my corner. We had discussed this previous to my arrival, and this is what he devised for me should i ever be feeling upset. Of course, he asked me if i was upset. I said yes. He asked why, and i replied with, "sometimes Sir, you can be a dick." He took it pretty well, allowed me to calm myself in my corner, and he never brought the subject up again. Monday was a good day, had a great walk, our day starting off with the usual routine. I'm not sure what night i began sucking his cock, i think it was Friday, but don't cast that in stone just yet. I know that it was a wake up and a going to bed routine. He has changed this routine as far as waking, since the dreaded brat Tuesday. He has no idea just how much i adore doing this for him. In his world, sex is nothing, it has no emotional attachment, but for me, it is total emotional attachment. To be able to touch him means everything to me, to feel his physical closeness. I think my "touchy-feelyness" makes him a bit insane, but he is such a good sport and tolerates it for the most part. I do ache to feel him kiss me, though. I haven't voiced this, but i suppose now i do not have to, since i am sure he will be reading this later on. Monday night was a bit rough. I began getting angry with Master--again. My kids are really resenting him, so is my best friend Mimi. They have been so used to depending on me, used to me being there for them whenever they need me, and Master has sharply curtailed my communication with them. I am not sure why, i think he believes i will slack in my responsibilities, or become overly involved with them and lose focus. What i think he fails to see is the fact that i lose focus because i have all these guilt feelings about leaving those that need me "high and dry." He allows me two 10min calls everyday, and for these people, 10min isn't nearly enough time to talk. If he only understood the depth and breadth of the relationships i have with these people, how very integral we are in each others lives, how much i need them, how much i am needed by them. I feel torn everyday. I know my kids are hating him right now, they may not have said it point blank, but they have alluded to it. Even to the point of asking me to leave here, leave Master, and come home. And i am so torn. So many things he asks of me that i do not understand, why he feels the need to take any personal joy out of my life. Music, books, human contact. He says my happiness should be based solely on whether he is happy, but this is the real world, and i do have an occasional feeling, i have opinions, i have passions and interests. I think he expects me to just muzzle all of that, and it makes me so very frustrated. I cannot resolve in my head the fact he wants me to be happy, but deprives me of things that give me joy. I cannot resolve in my head how he wants me to focus on him, but forces me to worry about others in my life by keeping me distanced from them. I cannot resolve in my head how he wants me to be a bundle of joy for him at all times, but he can be such a misogynistic a**hole, and yes, i called him this. Quite vehemently, on Tuesday morning, completely topping off the already shitty day he was having. I felt like total caca afterwards, because i think i may have wounded his pride a bit, as well as disrespecting him. Disappointed him even more because i had expressed my want to go home. Shocking him because a day earlier i had expressed my desire to stay right here and make this my home. And for the most part, i do want this to be my home, but sometimes, i do not know if i can handle living this completely emotionally unattached existence. I get so lonely, sometimes horribly bored, and please, don't confuse boredom with lack of being busy. I stay very busy, but some of these tasks would bore a saint to tears.
Master and i are what you might call polar opposites. I am all fire and raw guts and passion. He is all cerebral, and matter-of-fact, and a whole lot unemotional. Not that i didn't know this about him before i arrived, i just never expected it to hurt as badly as it does, or leave me feeling as empty. I have tried to explain i operate from kindness, i think i am a very good girl, and when he is so harsh and cold, it directly affects my desire to serve him, it wounds me emotionally, which is where my submission comes from, and i end up feeling this devastating emptiness. He keeps referring to the fact that my happiness should be directly linked to his, but i have yet to make him understand that my heart does not get that concept and it probably never will. I am wholly grateful for the routine he provides, the stability, the security, but the lack of kindness and human touch, human contact is crushing and i am so torn, every day. Mimi says come home, the kids say come home, but i need what he gives me (even though i need much more) and i find myself compelled to be obedient, something i have never experienced before. I was always able to just walk away, but he has hoodooed me with Voodoo, and i am unable to just walk away and i hate feeling like a martyr, denying myself things i ache for for the sake of his happiness. It makes me hate myself and resent him on this very real intense level. I know he is leery of my becoming complacent, or demanding, but what he doesn't see, is that a little tenderness goes a long way with me. If he gives me that tenderness i so desperately need, i am sure to give him anything he desires, provide every whim he has, and feel completely safe and secure. I think he hasn't experienced someone like me before, that he has had many who tried to top from the bottom. I have no desire for that, but if he wants to mindfuck me, all he has to do is listen, i'll tell him exactly how to fuck my head. Bring me to my knees and keep me there. Ellicit my surrender and not merely just my submission. Don't get me wrong, he can have these amazing moments of divine tenderness, but he quickly negates them with a harsh word, or a cruel comment, and there we are again, back at square one. I want so badly for us to make this work, but sometimes i have my doubts it is at all possible. Tuesday morning, after my highly emotionally charged rant, and me calling him a few not-so-choice names, such as mysogynistic a**hole, cold bastard, cruel and heartless, and telling him i felt lied to, he came home that night and stated he didn't think he would be offering me a permanent place in his home. Needless to say, i began bawling like an idiot, because i came here with a full 150% committment, we talked about a few things, i apologized for being so viscious with my tongue, and he took me to bed to hold me and allow me to cry. He softly kissed my forehead, stroked my hair, all the things that make me melt, if only he knew the deep impact these very small getures hold, maybe he'd be more giving of them. See, i know he has it in him to be the master i have always dreamed of, what i do not know, is why he is so hard-pressed to keep that side of himself stifled, and because i have seen it, felt it, i MUST stay, because i know it is in him, and it gives me hope that one day i can finally prove to him i am worthy of that kind of tenderness on a regular basis. These first seven days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Fear, anger, joy, peace, stability, structure and i am not sure where it is going from here, but i have 33 more days to find out, don't i, Master? |
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| Age: 33 |
| Fairfax,
Virginia |
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