submissive heart... spirit wounded but won't let it be broken

Hate days when I'm uber sensitive.  Sometimes my fear of abandonment and rejection just really gets the best of me.

How do you get past dealing with someone who makes your blood absolutely BOIL?  How do you deal when you can't escape from them?

I've tried to forgive, and forget and get past the fact she makes me want scream.....but I hate the way I feel when I see or hear her.

How do I get past when I've tried everything already.

So..... how well does a quiz know me?

Experimental 71%

Masochist 68%

Submissive 64%

Sadist 47%

Bondage 57%

Exhibitionist 36%

Switch 32%

Vanilla 29%

Degradation 15%

Dominant 14%

Very disappointed today......one of the days when I feel like its just not worth  tryin anymore.

Why does it seem no one can be trusted?  Why do the people who promise to keep matters shared with them in confidence seem to feel that those matters are free to share when they choose.  More importantly, why...even after they betray me do I continue to hold their secrets sacred?  

Why hold myself to a higher standard than they hold themselves?

I have made mistakes in my life.....I have let people take advantage of me.  I have accepted a lot less than I should have. However, I have learned from my choices. There are some things I will never get back, And people who will never be sorry. Now, I will know better next time, And never settle for less than I deserve. I will forgive those who do not deserve it, Never forgetting the lessons they have taught me. Most importantly, I will forgive myself of my mistakes, Remembering love can last through it all.

Things that aren't words:

U, u'r, h8, ltr

If you can't afford the time to spell out long words like "you" and "your"  I'm sure I can't fit in your busy schedule.

Some people have no problem picking up and moving on... it seems they do it without  second thought... I envy those people so much.  Instead I find myself holding on, holding out, hoping for a change in things so that people don't leave.  How do I become one of those people?  How do I turn off caring for someone and walk away?

It is so easy for other people, why can't it be for me?

All the kings horses and all the kings men.....

When you finally have what it is that you've been wanting, will you want what it is that you finally have?

I'm 36 this year... this is supposed to be my "perfect year"  at least according to numerology.  Feel like I've done nothing BUT screw up since it started.  

Why do I keep the bad relationships in my life?  The relationships where I give everything while expecting nothing in return?

More importantly why do I always manage to fuck up what *might* have been good?  

Recently a lot of people have been walking away from my life.  Some people I've known for 15+ yrs, some relatively new.  I usually do everything I can to make peace or to be as little effort as possible.  I usually try to do anything I can to keep special people close...regardless, I'm one of those people that are amazingly easy to just walk away from.

I'm beginning to believe I know deep down I don't deserve to be happy so I end up ruining things so it can't be taken away from me.  At least if I ruin things, I know why the person walked away.

I admit, I'm far from perfect, I have my faults, my issues, my areas that need improvement.  With that being said, I have to say I feel the need to point out that there is indeed a difference between "dominate" and "dominant".  The two words are not interchangeable.  In addition, there is a difference between "there" "their" and "they're".  When I read profiles where subs are referred to as "dumb bitches" but the Dom is either unable or unwilling to put the effort into using the correct words I am dumbfounded..... 

Although I am a caregiver by nature, a peacemaker....sometimes I wonder who takes care of the caregiver when they stumble....