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*** He is talking to me once more... And I seek no Dom(me) in my life but Him. He is the only one and true Dom in the world to me***
Tell you about myself...
Perhaps I can say nothing about myself. Who am I to tell you who I am? Isn't that everyone comes up with their own opinion anyways? Perhaps... So I allow you to judge me, for I know who I am and hurtful words will do nothing to me.
If you were to ask one of my friends they would say that I am crazy, beautiful, sexy. It is something that I never would say about myself. I am just me, nothing more and nothing less.
Perhaps I am a fool... I crave love, but does that mean that I crave pain? For there is no pleasure without pain...
Perhaps I lie to you all... but I think not. Actually I know that I do not.
My mind: still filled with beautiful thoughts, still trying to find what is good in life, that will never change. Still craving love, and always will. Love: any being in love is truly immaculate.
A dark hidden past behind eyes that do not shake. Events that unfold in my life that you will not know... only if you truly know me, will you know (how confusing is that?). Read through the lines, look into my eyes and touch my soul.
You are all amazing in your own way. Do not forget to smile and to shine, don't let others take that from you. Remember who you are, don't listen to others, don't listen to the media. And if you are in love, do NOT let others stand in your way of happiness, of pure bliss.
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I'm in CA right now... things are decent here. I am visiting a friend, spending time with her and her kids. I apologise for not being able to write and respond as I once did. Feel free to write me though, and I shall reply when able to. Enjoy yourselves. |
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I fear that I have already messed up, that I will lose Him once more... I just wish He'd understand... I dont know what to do anymore. I refuse to change who I am, any longer... I cant, I wont survive.
I miss Him... I wish He'd miss me. |
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As of late, my old Master has been speaking with me once more. It is like the grey clouds have been lifted from me, and I smile knowing that I am in His site once more. He is my One and true Dom, my Only. So to the other Dom(mes) I do not seek to be your pet... to be your whore or slut, to be your bitch... I have been collared once and only once by Him, perhaps it shall be once more.
I only seek friends. Friends alone. |
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If I do not accept a chat request, it is because my computer doesnt like to run off of Java programs very well... hell, I don't like running off of Java programs that much. But write me and I shall see... but any degrading messages and I shall not respond. |
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So I spent the end of feb and all of march in Germany. What can I say? It snowed everyday, and the food was horrible... I went out everynight though. All in all, it was a good time, I cant wait to go back. I made a lot of friends and I miss them dearly.
For now I am back in NY, until May 8th, then I am heading over to CA for about 80 days, where I will live with my friend, Sherise. In July, San Diego is having a comic con. I'm very excited!
I suppose I live as a nomad right now, but hey... I'm happy and living every day like it's my last. |
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I can not accept anyone else in my life... for I realized that He is still in my heart and I do not want a Master/Mistress.... I do not want a Slave/pet
I want Him back... only Him.
I look and seek only friends... but nothing more.
So I look to the stars and wonder if I ever cross His mind. |
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I'm stuck in limbo right now... |
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OH... I'm moving to MI in the next week or 2. |
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I am thinking I would like to have a pet again... I really haven't been so submissive after my Master left me.
If I can't have Him I don't want anyone else for now.
Pets will do though, I miss mine. |
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I do not understand the mentality of some people, I do believe I have lost all hope for mankind. Between my jobs and being around people I escape to the wired based communication called the internet. How depressing is that? But what gets me is that Doms message me with the most incredible rude comments... I am a switch and depending how the other person is, is how I act/react.
I did have a Master once, and for all purpose he was incredibly intelligent and nice, but it was my mistake on how I lost him. But forever I will remain his sub/slave in my heart.
I have had 'pets' before....
I have been a sub once....
I have had more pets/been the top then a bottom.
I just ask that if you are a Dom/Domme do not assume that I am collared so easily, speak with some intelligence. Thank you. |
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Have you ever looked to the stars and watched the moon change over, the clouds hiding the glorious light from the ground... have you ever wondered if someone is doing the same? Are you thought of ? Do you cross anyones mind?
Everynight I find myself looking up in vain at the dancing stars and smiling moon, wondering the same... well not so much wonder as think of a lot of people, and of my past.
For me this is life and it is going along, I am living... I try with feeling, but always without love. It's not for me, I do believe -which is quite sad, for I am a romantist- (as I type this I wonder who actually sits and reads my boring entries)
As for good news, I have started working (bad news.. I work ALL the time, like 46 hrs a week, on avg, it is horrid), and I have been making new friends, different faces and smiles to laugh with.. and of course, I'm actually alive and able to write back people messages now.
Everyone, I do hope you enjoy your day/evening/night. Smile and shine my dearies. |
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Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for sending me messages. I am all better now.
I moved to Hopewell Junction, NY... eh it's a roof over my head. My friends keep me alive, but that is it; I feel like I am just alive, going through the motions of life without emotion, like I'm already dead, just breathing.
My computer hasn't sent out any messages, it is always shutting down on me, so I apologize for not being able to return the messages. Or being able to read some of them.
Net access is limited here.
I apologize.
But I still would like to become the poison you can't get enough of. Let me be your drug. |
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Hello to all of you. I have been taken over by some sickness and will not be sending back emails until I can look at the screen for more then 5mins without passing out. Thank you all who emailed/will email me. I shall respond to them as soon as I can. Thank you. |
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Heh... For once in a long time... I feel just fine, I feel okay, I feel beautiful.
I just want to thank all of those who have made me smile. |
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A small hello from a part of your life is all that it takes to make one smile... |
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Being out on my own is something that is both hard and so lovely. |
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My perfect sky is torn.... I can't see the stars and the moon is gone from my view...
I'm tired |
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The taste of blood as one coughs is not pleasent, the taste of death upon your breath is risky, and yet you tell no one; I tell no one. My blood is running low, my heart aches when I breathe, my eyes are weary and my body aches.
Sometimes I feel as if my life is ending... and I never got my true dream in life. But I haven't let it get me down.
Wearing a mask is so simple sometimes. |
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Everytime I stay up and night, watching my cig burn down to the filter, the moon above and the stars flickering above the city nights, I wonder if I truly feel anything at that time. Everything seems so perfect, so right. Alone with one's self, thoughts just flowing away. I can forget the many things that run through my head and be calm. How lovely it is...
And when the stick burns down to nothing I light another, never wanting it to stop, but knowing that my lungs can't handle it. |
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.... Heh... I wish my last journal entry was true... Except that wasn't written by me.... I suppose that is what I get for leaving this computer on with many curious room mates. First thing back and I see that... nice. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time. |
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I have a love, have had many in my life... but this one.. this one... although I have a dominating perosnality, I am his slave, his lover, his castle... I am his whore, his maid.. what he wants I give him...
He fucks my littl pussy so hard, drilling, slaming... but he needs to learn to be my master all the time... I need a master completely, not one that just loves me. But he, oh yes me. he is my King... My pussy is his...
He drank from me the other day, he orders me to harm him, to put claw marks on his back, he bleeds... he orders me to bite him, then he turns and bites me, blood dripping down and he lapping it up, hungry for more...
I want to be tied up... I need it... I want to be a slave in bed... but he is afraid for some reason (then again he was a virgin).
Am I an obeident slave? Of course... alwas have been. Trained, really.. some say I have the heart of a slave... I am submissive, so very a kitten in bed. Do what you like... make me your own... |
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Unintelligent people annoy me, people who think they know me or can control me... how foolish. I gave myself over to one person and one person alone, and if he should return to me (by some chance of the stars) then by all means I would return to him with no questions asked.
People who don't think before they speak, annoy me... no irritate me... anger me really. They think they know so much and yet they know nothing.
This lie style is not all about fear and pain and bondage and sex. Sex is a benefit of it... fear, everyone should fear the one they love... pain, sure if you enjoy it.... BUT it is NOT what this lifestyle is about. It is about trust and understanding, love in the ultimate form...
Basically people anger me.... they need to die. |
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Times are dark in my life, though a shine of light had come with warm arms.. I have not heard nor seen him and into the shadows I lurk, though your voice guides me from time to time... but the warm safe haven I knew is now gone... missing... I look to the moon with tear filled eyes and I wonder how my life will turn out, will it be just I standing there in a puddle of salty tears that fall like a waterfall upon the ground? Shall it be me, a lone star amongst the galaxy of people?
Twisting around this dull plain I wonder if the world even sees me, or do they walk by without a thought? So I sit in the dark and quietly weep...
Where has he gone, my dear friend? Where has my protector gone? I'm growing sad, my stomach hurts... I feel as if I am breaking. I am missing something. Oh, my dear precious friend... give me words that shall make things seem better...
God what I'd give to be at rest... but no... I shall sit up at night and watch the sun rise... thoughts racing through my mind... I want to be soothed and my mind, my heart won't let me. My soul is weary and I am worried... where has my protector gone?
So with glass stained eyes and tired hands I type this.
Smile and shine, for you are always beautiful. Never forget to tell those who you love that you do love them for you never know when it is the last time you shall see them...
I love you, thank you for everything. |
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I get to go home for a bit and see the most beautiful angel in the wold: Sashi... I can't wait. She makes me smile. |
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I hate my reflection in the mirror.... I sound so pathetically emo and goth.
Being around you frightens me,
The power you posses in a stare…
The strength you give,
The warmth,
The love…
It brings me to tears…
I am upon my knees looking up to you.
I drown in your kiss,
I am lost within your soul.
I crave to hold you close to me,
Taste my tears and you will know.
You’re hand is upon my chest,
And crimson runs through your fingers.
-Victoria Vanderlyn
I'm so tired... and I just want to sleep in a ten foot hole |
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You've got me right where you want me I never thought it'd become like this With your hands around my neck as you look on in horror as silver touches your flesh. I never thought it would become this way... Your eyes haunting me, And I didn't run. I cuddle in your heart but you are at an arm's length. Let you in, you crave it... but I hide from it. |
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It pains me to look at His picture... but the smile upon my lips taste great |
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I want to fall asleep and forget about everything in life... tonight, I shall drink my sorrows away. |
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I wish I could take off my mask and show the true me like I did with Him |
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Okay, you can NOT sit there and expect me to say 'yes TIE ME UP and Make me yours...' it clearly states in my profile that I am not ready to be collared nor sought after right now. Please take time out to read through the profile, I didn't type it to make it look pretty...
I answer your messages, I do. If I get a one word response, then you are not even worth my time, spell things correctly (typos are understood, but no -ur- instead of -your- or -u- instead of -you-), don't speak in ebonics, try to keep proper English, please.
Intelligence is what draws me to someone, someone who can capture my eye with just lovely words.
People anger me |
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I know He is sleeping now... or just awakening, I wish I were there with Him... but never, only in dreams.... I wish it weren't so haunting, specially at work. |
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Be addicted to me...
Laugh as the poison seeps through your veins...
I'm the addict with the needle in my arm, I need you again...
Removing the needle causes too much pain. |
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Happy Birthday Don... I wish you were not taken away from us in this world... you were evrything to me. You were my role model, and now you are fallen....
Perhaps tomorrow I shall go out to live.
Last night I went back to my home town to be here for the rememberance of Don today. I saw a few of my friends... we walked in the rain, it was lovely to feel the caress of raindrops against my skin. How perfectly beautiful. |
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That's it.. I am too strong a person to hold onto eveything He had given me... no.. I shall not do it. I have to get back up, I have to heal. I need to go out and have fun. I will smile again. Things shall not get to me, no... I've become numb.. yes... numb... and yes I will smile. Yes I'm happy, see the smile good... now stop looking at my cleavge... -whatever it was was MY fault.. not His... I love Him... so stop it!- People anger me sometimes... I would love to weed out the moronic stupid people in life... Get up and get out, live again, try to feel... It's raining now, I shall go stand in it as I smoke a cig in rememberance of Him, though no phone call will be made. |
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.... I also do not understand this block thing. Why? Because I don't answer a few emails... because I'm sickly and you know, been going to the hosptial everyday for vomitting blood? Nice people... Excuse me, ah yes... I must be going...
I hope I die from vomitting. |
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I have cut my hair.. very short for my own taste. I have done it in mourning of loosing my Master, just like the Native Americans do for the loss of their loved one, I have done the same.
It is in vain, I know... I try, I hope, I dream... all in vain, but it is something that I always have done: hoped.
Sometimes I want to give up and crawl in a hole to never return. I always return though, for giving up or to die (as in kill yourself) is the easy way out, I was always not one to take the easy way out. |
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So I walked about in a drunken stuper... did I want to forget? My Master... well... I am not honored to call him as such anymore... I didn't drink to forget him in any such sense... just the pain.
The numbness over my body and slowing of my heartbeat. Perhaps I would have been better off this way.
Weaver of fate is something that I can't stand anymore. Always toying with my string... why is this blanket so beautiful to him and not me? Do I not see it?
No... I see nothing... |
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If I could cry an ocean, I'd swim to him and apologize, only to leave myself to drown in my mistakes
My fears were right though... and I still remember his voice and will always. Never will I get to see him... never will we move in.. never will we argue about who takes longer to get ready for the day... nothing... never...
and so I shall sit and watch the stage, waiting for him to pull the curtains open. |
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And yes... my master is gone... for whatever reason it may be, he left me... and so I lay within the shadows and wonder as I lurk about the water.
Sometimes I wish I could drown and never awaken.
Not many would notice, not many would care.
perhaps I am not meant to love, to be owned, to be lusted after, to be covented... I am nothing...
'The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt'
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Has anyone ever been scared that their Master or even slave shall leave them for another?
This fear has came to me many times... perhaps I am the only one. Perhaps I am foolish to think so. But such thoughts do come to me, and I can not help it. |
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I went over to what I shall call me slave's house yesterday, again. He served me, made me a queen, vs just a mistress. He treated me with extra care, and when I asked why he was doing so, he slowly got up and went to his room, returning with a knife. So he had blood lust, oh course he wanted me to drink from him... he turned around slowly, and dragging the blade across the flesh, crimson soon flowed. Bending down I took the wound in my mouth and let none of it go to waste. gentle sighs escaped his lips. WHen I finished, he cuddled against my legs before I told him to stand up and sit next to me. I cut myself, allowed him to drink from me... he was in heaven, calming. He needed it more then anything. We fell asleep on the couch, the knife on the floor, my head in his lap. |
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He called me his mistress yesterday, wanting to please, be my all, be my everything... even if just for a moment in time. Mistress he begged me to scratch him, to mark him once more. Bringer of pure bliss and painful love I smiled and called him my 'painslut' and he sighed as I talked to him. We spent the night watching TV, as his back was bleeding.
I woke up today, in his bed... looking around as he stared smiling at my naked body. I turned and grunted, not wanting to leave for work... he dressed he, as any slave would do, put me in his car and then drove the hour to my place, dropping me off and then leaving for school. His eyes were in pain as I embraced him, pain from parting but he sighed in pleasure as the marks on his back burned. He placed a collar around his neck, kissed my hand and bowed, departing for class.
I am his mistress, he and I both know it. Never will someone care for him as I do. He is mine, forever as it be spoken from his mouth.
Now I sit in work, wanting and waiting for the taste of alcohol and a cigarrette to burn into my soul. I want to forget so many things. Most of all though... I want to forget someone else.... |
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Dark Angel of Silent Love
Intertwined fingers,
Caressing skin.
Wandering eyes locking in time.
Nervous smile and happy sighs.
Silence...
Deafening heartbeats.
Breaths exchanged.
Joining together with voiceless thoughts.
Idly twirling soft hair.
Bodies pressing against each other,
Hot breathes upon nude necks.
Hushed bodies screaming for love.
Mouths drawing close,
Cushion lips pressed to each other.
Loving every breath of him,
Wishing that time would stand still .
Drowning in ecstasy.
Leaving a box with my heart in it,
Signed,
"Your friend."
Victoria E. Vanderlyn
Copyright ©2004 Victoria E. Vanderlyn |
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Take me, yes.. take me hard, use me softly... hands so unjust and so right, penetrating my mind, my soul, my secret areas. Throw against the wall, scream at me in lust! Take me body and use it as your own... use me and abuse me... kiss me, kill me, thrill me... Leave me not behind, leave me wanting more, more.. more of you. Bite down hard, mark me, make me yours for everyone to see... Hate me with love, love me with hate. Shower down upon me with ropes and chains, collar me, take me. Rape me with your tongue, your eyes, your hands... Ah loving you is torture.... |
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Sadness holds me beautifully
Life... harsh, rash, evil, unjust, punishing... slow painful death... dying each and everyday...
I try to make my life happy, smile upon sun rays shining through cloud. But I hide in the darkness... it is comforting to me...
Love... evol (evil) spelt backwards, and yet I seek it.... why though?
Further more, I am lusting right now and I think it best of I close myself in a closet for a few days... loving master, where are you? |
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Take me to a place unknown and new, blindfold me and whisper in my ear, lead by my hand, guide me with a blade. Beneath the stars and moon, walking, dancing around tombstones, I am yours and you are mine. Yell at me, scream... kiss me afterwards. hate me with love, hurt me kindly. Please yourself within my haven, your favorite place to me, as I lay beneath you in my favorite place: looking in your eyes, laying in your arms. |
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Take me yes... bind me in your hands and never let me go, drag the blade across soft flesh and watch crimson flow.. make me yours, make you mine.... take me, oh dear master of loving hate, take my soul and bind it to yours... look my not in the eyes, they shall make you crumble... be my alpha, be my beta.... take me away with painful love. A partner, of love, of lust, a master of skillful hands hurtingly loving my body. Worship me as I worship you.. yes, tie the ropes tighter, cut through my skin... love me.. kiss me.... drink from me... become my King, become my Master, I your forever loving slave... |
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I have a love, have had many in my life... but this one.. this one... although I have a dominating perosnality, I am his slave, his lover, his castle... I am his whore, his maid.. what he wants I give him...
He fucks my littl pussy so hard, drilling, slaming... but he needs to lean to be my master all the time... I need a master completely, not one that just loves me. But he, oh yes me. he is my King... My pussy is his...
He drank from me the other day, he orders me to harm him, to put claw marks on his back, he bleeds... he orders me to bite him, then he turns and bites me, blood dripping down and he lapping it up, hungry for more...
I want to be tied up... I need it... I want to be a slave in bed... but he is afraid for some reason (then again he was a virgin).
Am I an obeident slave? Of course... alwas have been. Trained, really.. some say I have the heart of a slave... I am submissive, so very a kitten in bed. Do what you like... make me your own... |
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| Age: 39 |
| Paris,
France |
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