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I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I spend a lot of my free time translating grocery prices for Cuban refugees, writing award-winning operas, and treading water for three days in a row.
Although I once attempted to climb Mt. Everest, I was unsuccessful for three reasons: (1) I had to save some puppies from an avalanche, (2) I had to guide some lost nuns to civilization lest they starve to death, and (3) using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I had to defend a small village in Nepal from an invading force of accordion players.
I have also performed several covert operations for the CIA, and once, while on vacation in Canada, successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. They claimed the bagels had grown stale. I am also author of the book, "101 Ways to Enhance Your Sex Life Using Only A Jar of Mayonaisse and a Watermelon".
I am also artistic, having designed my own line of corduroy lingerie, can play all of Jimi Hendrix' greatest hits on my banjo, and am an expert in fake stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
I like to consider myself to be a man of the world. I am a martial artist, holding a gold belt in full-contact Origami, can cook extraordinary five-course meals using only a BIC lighter, once built a computer using a #2 pineapple can and a ball of string. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving championships in Kansas, and spelling bees in the Kremlin. I have also been known to successfully call in sick to work by claiming a rare gynecological disorder.
Not being one to waste time, I have learned somthing from every life experience. For Instance, I have learned that you cannot force someone to love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope that they panic and give in. I've learned that we are all responsible for our actions, unless we are celebrities or famous athletes. I've learned that no matter how passionate a relationship is at the beginning, the passion fades,and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that whatever it is that is wrong with Patrick Buchanan, I bet it's hard to pronounce. I've learned that there are three words guaranteed to humiliate any man: "Hold My Purse". Finally, I have learned that,while men will never experience childbirth, we can at least open all our own jars.
As far as my vital statistics, I pitch left, bat left, have a batting average of .347, with 15 home runs, 8 triples, and 16 doubles. I breed prize-winning clams, and once toured the United States with a traveling superconductivity demonstration. Children, animals, and old people trust me, and I do not perspire.
I hope this gives you enough information about me, and now let's talk about you. What do you think about me?
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