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| Hello and thank you for looking at my profile!
I am honestly not sure if I'm looking for just friends or just a teacher or a long-term thing or all three, but one can lead to another...
I am a tomboy, love the outdoors and run 2 to 3 times per week. I'm currently training for my second marathon - apparently I forgot how much long runs hurt! Silly me.
I'm currently in grad school so that's keeping me busy along with a full time job and a serious social life! It definitely makes things interesting as well as keeping me extremely busy, but I need constant stimulation or I get bored so perhaps that is why I keep myself so busy.
I'm as comfortable hanging around the campfire as I am going out to dinner at nice restaurant. (Although I probably prefer the campfire!)
I'm very new to this lifestyle, but I've been (literally) dreaming of it for years. I had my first in-person sub experience very recently and absolutely loved it. It was incredibly, wonderfully amazing and completely beyond even my wildest dreams (and believe me, I've had some wild dreams)! It was so good, in fact, that I'm afraid I'll never be the same again although I'm not so sure that's a bad thing...
Turn on's for me start with pleasing you. To know that I am giving myself to you and you are using my body for your pleasure as you see fit is what I yearn for. Other turn ons include spanking, nipple pinching, humiliation, bondage and a bunch more... I don't know what my limits are yet, but am looking forward to trying to find them!
I do have a confession to make, however - I'm not a very good sub yet. I'm looking for someone who is willing to teach me and mold me - someone that I can learn to trust so completely that I'll finally be able to let my guard down and submit completely, without reservation.
A little bit more about what I'm looking for (updated from my journal): Generally, I'm attracted to men that are taller than me (I'm 5'9") and are intelligent and articulate. If you can't string a sentence together in an email or use spell check, I'm already turned off. I'm also not looking for someone 20 years or more older than me or under the age of 25 - somewhere between 25 and 45 is about my limit. Physically fit is very appealing to me - I work out 4 to 5 times a week and that includes running up to 20 miles at a time. You don't have to be that crazy ;-), but someone who has an active lifestyle would fit me perfectly. Last but not least, I'm not going to move. Nor am I going to fly to meet you. I have a busy enough life and I don't feel like coordinating weekend flights into it. If you're not within driving distance then we can absolutely be friends, but I doubt it will move beyond that.
My profile says that I'm looking for a dominant man and that is true and my primary goal, however, I'm quite bicurious and would be interested in meeting a dominant woman as well. (But that's really scary for me - I've only had one real sexual experience with a woman and I wouldn't know what to do or where to begin. But I guess that's where her being a dominant would come in... silly me!)
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Written 12/21/2007: We were released from work early today – Merry Christmas to us and I took the opportunity to go for a long run. Well a semi-long run – 9 miles. Here’s a funny thing – I’m not even sure I like to run. What I do like are the health benefits you get from it and the moral superiority I feel when I can answer the Monday morning “What did you do this weekend?” question with, “Did a 20 mile run. How ‘bout you?” Yes, I’m an elitist. I know that. I think I do a fairly good job of not being an ass about it, but sometimes I slip a little. All I can say is that I’m working on it. Which brings me in a somewhat roundabout way to the actual subject of this journal entry. Long runs give you the opportunity to think about everything in your life. Twice. Three times if you’re going really long… :-) So I get to thinking about myself, my motivations, my personality and about a million other things. Here are some random thoughts born of long runs and the boredom inherent in doing the same redundant activity for hours on end:
I’m still new enough in this lifestyle that I routinely go back and forth between how right it feels to submit and how wrong society tells me it is. Sometimes within the same minute – I’ll be thinking about being on my knees before my Master and feel my pussy immediately respond to the thought only to have my brain shout “What is wrong with you?!?” at me. It can be very confusing. I haven’t solved that one yet.
I had a new revelation today – I was thinking about my desire to know what is expected of me in a D/s relationship. What are the rules, how should I act, and most importantly – how can I make him proud of me? At first I thought I needed to know every facet of what was expected – exactly what was wanted and when – complete micromanagement. But looking at it more deeply (since I had the time) I don’t think I actually need hard and fast rules as much as a kind of general direction. I’m having a hard time putting it into words, however… Here’s my first attempt: I want to learn my Master, learn his desires, his likes, his dislikes, his pet peeves, etc… I want to take this knowledge and apply it to our interactions. I don’t want to be told what to do every minute, but I want to be praised when the choice I make pleases him. Correction: I have an aching need to be praised when I please him. Of course I recognize that there will and should be some hard and fast rules – I have no problem with that. I think, however, that the reward will be so much better for me if not everything is spelled out. The pleasure I would get from pleasing him without him telling me exactly what he wants would be overwhelming…
Which leads me to my next major topic of thought: why do I crave the approval of others so much? This spills over into all facets of my life – the need to make others happy above my own happiness, never to cause a rift, always to pacify, to be the perfect ’whatever they wish’ to everyone at all times. The funny thing about trying to be perfect for everyone, however, is that ultimately you make no one happy, including yourself. Intellectually I understand this. Emotionally I’m still having a hard time with it. It is extremely difficult to choose one person’s happiness over another’s 0 even when the right choice for all involved is clear…
Enough of my ramblings for tonight – more later! |
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I have a very difficult time asking for what I want. I look over my profile and realize it doesn't really say much about what I'm looking for in a potential partner. I am so afraid of offending someone that I don't want to put down anything definite. But how silly is that? I don't know you. Why would I offend you by saying what I want? I won't. In fact it would save us both time if you knew what I wanted or what I didn't want at least to start with.
So why do I have such a hard time speaking up? I don't know. It is something I have been thinking about for a while now - especially as I have been contacted by a lot of men that I wouldn't have sought out as they just don't fit into what I'm looking for. I think it is partly due to not wanting to eliminate anyone - you never know who you're going to click with. But I do know what I'm attracted to and that would certainly be a logical place to start, don't you think?
I really am not looking for someone who is 20 years or more older than I am. I know that sucks in some ways, but I'm not looking for a father - I already have one, thank you. I'm really looking for someone nearer my age. Yes, I know the argument, "I may be 50, but I have so much experience that I can blow your mind. Plus I have more stamina now than I did when I was in my teens." Yeah, yeah, yeah... That may be completely true and I'm sorry if you think I'm shallow, but does it really matter once my mind has been made up? Not really. I also can't imagine what someone under the age of 25 is going to be able to teach me. It just seems too weird to submit to a kid although that's less of a turn off than someone being substantially older... Oh! And as long as I'm on a roll here, I'm not going to move. Nor am I going to fly to meet you. I have a complicated enough life and I don't feel like coordinating weekend flights into it. If you're not within driving distance then we can totally be friends, but I doubt it will move beyond friends or some online fun. And last, but not least, the physical... I did say in my profile that I like men that are taller than me. I actually love tall and skinny. Physically fit is very appealing to me - I work out 4 to 5 times a week and that includes running up to 20 miles at a time. You don't have to be that crazy ;-), but someone who has an active lifestyle would be great! |
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Paradoxes. I've been thinking a lot about paradoxes lately. Well, one paradox in particular... The paradox of freedom found through bondage. I am amazed and overwhelmed at how free I felt when at my least free - arms tied behind me, blind folded, on my knees and being lead around by a leash. I have been thinking about it for the last several days and can't get over how incredible it was!
I have, of course , realized why the paradox exists for me: For the first time in possibly ever I was completely able to put down the burden of responsibility and let someone else take it up. No reservations, no qualms, no regrets - nothing but his will. And it felt soooo good. And I mean good on several levels - not just the sex (which was amazing), but emotionally and mentally as well.
That is really what surprised me and why I am so fixated on the topic – I had absolutely no idea that the mental aspect would be just as powerful for me as the physical one. I had thought that perhaps I was only into the kink – that a little kinky sex here and there would be all I needed and would be satisfying. I no longer believe that to be the case… What a lot of self-realization in the past two weeks! |
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So here’s the newest question for myself that I’ve been wrestling with – how am I to reconcile my personality (strongly independent) with the particular type of desire I have (to submit)? I think the answer is that the two are not mutually exclusive, and that I will eventually find out how to balance the two. But how do I go about getting to that place of balance? Thinking about it in an abstract way is entertaining but not particularly helpful. Would meeting and talking to more people in the lifestyle help? I think perhaps so. I always find other people’s perspectives so interesting (I’m kind of a people watcher) and whether or not I agree with them I still learn something… But this goes back to my first question – I don’t feel comfortable interacting with people on this site because I don’t know the rules of engagement! Kind of a catch 22 and really pretty funny if you think about it. So, I’m thinking I should just be myself and see where that gets me and stop worrying so much… But then there’s this other problem – my natural sense of humor is sarcasm. And I think we all know what happens to a sarcastic sub… J |
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So day number 1 on this site was a little overwhelming... I really don't know how I'm supposed to respond or how I'm supposed to act here. I got a bunch of responses to my profile and I'm not sure what to do with them. I don't want to offend anyone and you all seem so experienced and knowledgeable that I feel like a complete neophyte (which, of course, I am) and I'm afraid I'm going to do or say something wrong... Total shocker here - I'm a people pleaser and HATE to disappoint others, but I just don't know what the right thing is in this strange new world! (But I'm damn well going to learn!) :-) |
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