Why is it so hard?  I know what I have to do, but it is like my brain shuts down or goes in reverse...making me do exactly what I shouldn't.  Why is that?  Also, why is so hard to believe good things but not bad?  Is it really because of all the years of hearing the bad?  Being told how lowly and unworthy I am?  I don't know...but I know those thoughts will always lurk in my mind, questioning me about my value.  I know Sir sees more in me than I am able to see in myself, at least for now.  He tells me how special I am, but I still cannot wrap my mind around it and comprehend it.  I know Sir is always right, so why am I having such a hard time believing him?  Why do push my luck and limits?  Why do I dance right over the line and beyond begging for discipline, control and punishment?  Why can't things just settle down and let me, let us, get on with our lives?  Why? Why? Why? So many questions.  Each answer I get, I find leads to more questions!

Ok...So, I been avoiding my journal for the last 4 days.  I have been trying to get my thoughts and emotions together.  I got back from Sir's on Saturday and had much to think over.  I realized I have been moving to fast for what I can handle at the moment.  I have to slow down and take time to thing through what has happened thus far and what I want to happen - regarding so many things and so many people.  I am torn between so many important things, that I feel a touch overwhelmed.  I do not like that feeling.  I have been forced to be in control of my own life and my own decisions for quite a while now, and that is not easy for me.  Now, there are some other options open to me...options that could have a very long lasting affect on my life, my happiness and theirs, my career, etc.  So, how do I decide which way I will go?  My emotions tell me one thing, yet my mind tells me the opposite...  How do I know which to follow?  Then, to top it off, my abusive ex has chosen to fight the separation (pending divorce) and is hiring a lawyer of his own.  He says he will drop it, if I go back.  I just cannot and will not do that.  I know I deserve more and I want more in my life.  He and I were together for about 10 years.  It started out great - he was a Dom, and I was in love...When we got married over 5 years ago, he lost interest in the lifestyle, lost interest in friends and work, etc.  Then, during this past year, he took 2 full bottles of Tylenol PM (the kind with Benadryl to put you to sleep) and a good handful of Excedrin.  Someone found him trying to walk off into the woods, totally incoherent.  The person managed to get his cell phone and wallet out of his pocket and found my number.  I got the call early that morning at work.  I was at my desk, had just finished writing a policy for customer, and almost didn't answer it.  Something told me to pick it up this time.  The person on the other end asked if I knew DM and if he had any medical conditions.  I told him he had nothing major and asked what was going on.  The man told me they were not able to get any response from DM, that his pulse was incredibly high, his eyes completely dilated, etc.  They tried holding the cell up to his ear and having me talk to him, trying to get some kind of reaction.  There was none.  I was stuck 25 minutes away, at my office...a very open office with my desk in the dead center of everything.  My boss, Brian, overheard me on the phone, asking what was going on, asking if they had called an ambulance, trying to find out where he was (he works in a huge business complex where the employees get lost half the time).  I was scared to death, he was never sick..never!  The guy told me that they did call the ambulance, but the ambulance was having problems finding them.  I grabbed my keys and purse, and started to head for my car.  Brian blocked me from leaving and literally took my keys from me, refusing to let me drive, and insisted he would drive where ever I needed.  We rushed from our office and sped to DM's work, and started driving around looking for him.  We arrived just a couple of moments after the ambulance.  They had just got DM on board.  They had me climb up in the back of the ambulance and started taking his short medical history, while they went through his pockets and put in an IV, etc.  Suddenly, they all stopped.  I looked at the one that was going through DM's pocket and saw an empty box from the Tylenol PM in his hand.  They asked if DM had a history of headaches, muscle aches, etc.  No, he didn't - as well as no known allergies that could cause the condition he was in, no medical problems.  They said he had to have overdosed.  I told them they had to be wrong, there had to be a mistake.  They started to lose him, and insisted that I move up front with the driver, so they could take off.  I overheard one say, "She shouldn't see this."  We sped off, Brian following in his car behind us.  As we approached the highway on ramp, the ambulance pulled over suddenly.  I was freaking out...still able to hear everything going on, but they didn't realize it.  The driver reached over and laid his hand on my shoulder, insisted that I look at him.  He calmly explained they did not have high enough priority to get him into the ER fast enough - if it was even possible - they had to wait for a second, higher rated ambulance to meet up with us, on of their EMT's (or whatever he was) jumped on with us, and off we went again.  (Brian, thought DM had died at this point.)  It seemed to take forever to get to the ER and the other drivers wouldn't get out of the way (or so it seemed)!  They rushed DM into the ER, and told me I could not go.  This was strange to me, since my mother has been rushed to the ER *many* times and I have always gone back with her, since I was small child.  Anyway, they told me I had to check him in and wait.  Brian sat with me, telling me not to worry about DM, not to worry about work, etc. that things would be all right.  After a long while, the EMT (whatever his title was) came out to talk to me.  He was very sedate, very gray.  He had me fill out some things and sign for DM's belongings, etc.  He asked if I had any questions.  I asked only one..."I know you have seen overdoses many times in your work.  What do you think his chances are honestly?"  The poor guy just looked at me, straight in the eye.  I saw his answer before he answered.  He barely shock his head no - I am sure he didn't know I saw it since it was so slight.  He told to stay calm and keep faith.  He left pretty quick after that.  I was shaking so hard, I must have looked I was having some kind of seizure or something.  I am diabetic and my blood/glucose started to drop too low.  Brian went to get a drink and something sweet.  While he was away, he called one of my best friends, Margaree, and told her to come to the ER for support.  She came and sat with me and Brian for hours.  Brian finally left to take care of things at the office, since he told to take the rest of that week and all of the next off.  Eventually, the ER staff did manage to get DM stabilized a bit, and let me go see him.  He was still totally unresponsive to me or the doctors.  All they could tell me is what they had to do (stomach pump, IVs, charcoal, etc).  They told me that the only thing DM was responding to was the IV.  He kept pulling it out - they felt it was intentional (if he knew consciously or not that he was doing it), not just an accident.  DM's brother (PM) and Sister-in-law (TM) arrived about this time...I went to talk to them, and his brother, PM, had a panic attack, right there in the hospital.  TM was pretty upset and hysterical - but not as bad as PM.  This was more than I could handle on my own.  I didn't have any strength left for 2 more people.  Margaree drug me out of there.  We went by and got DM's car from his office parking lot.  When I got in, I found his "suicide" note on the seat.  All he wrote, on the back of the receipt for the pills, was a formula similar to those in a chemistry equation, stating what he took and how it should have ended things for him.  Once I was calm enough to drive, we both drove to my house (it is no longer a "home", just a house).  I took care of a few things (the dog, etc) and then she took me to get my car.  I headed back to the ER, and waited, not knowing what was going to happen and trying to keep PM and TM calm.  They took Dave up to a room and told me they were going to keep him for observation.  TM told me that DM's entire family (parents and other brother) were all on their way from Virginia and Maryland.  Most of them arrived that night, and came to the hospital.  Just what I needed, his whole family freaking out, and they never seemed to like me to begin with.  Anyway, I was going to go home and try to get a few hours of sleep, knowing I would need it.  The family and the nurses told me I shouldn't leave, that he needed me there.  Dave was still incoherent, and says he doesn't even remember that night.  Anyway, I was completely drained by midmorning.  I had to leave to pick up my mom at the airport (she flew in to give me some moral support).  I told the nurses where I was going and how to reach me if needed.  They told me to stay away for a while, that I needed "fresh air" for a while.  As I left, I heard the nurses talking, thinking I was going to break under the stress.  I picked up mom, and reached out to hug her, as I always do, and began to cry, still shaking.  All I could say was, "Why did he do it, Mom?"  *sigh, and deep calming breath*  Anyway, I went and got a hot shower, changed clothes, finally got some real food around mid-afternoon and we headed back to the hospital.  DM was finally fairly coherent.  He told me that he was sorry, and he would never do it again.  Then, he said, "As soon as I am out of here, let's start trying to have that baby you have wanted so badly."  All I could think, even then, was, "What the F***!? There is no way I am bringing a child into this environment."  I was speechless.  Well, to jump ahead of some other crappie things that went on while he was in the ER, he did finally get sent home.  Sooner than I think he should have, but I didn't have a say.  Heck, I didn't even get to be a party to his "family" therapy session...but all of his family, and his sister-in-law did.  I was told, by the doc, not him, that he wanted to talk to me alone with the therapist later.  Well, it never happened, he always had the doc make me leave when the therapist came in.  *Shaking head*  Well, I went through the house and threw out ever single pill I could find that was not needed and literally locked up the rest.  It was the only thing I felt I could control...or try to control.  I needed something to hold onto.  *shakes head*  The hospital docs and therapist told us, both, that DM needed to set up an appointment with a regular therapist, and a couples counselor.  I completely agreed and DM said he did, too.  Over the next 7 or so months, Dave because to miss his therapy appointments, more and more.  Then, would forget his meds.  Each time I asked, requested, begged, demanded to go to couples counseling, he promised he would make time for it.  But, he never did.  I ended up giving up a lot to try to keep things together - gave up college, almost lost my job, etc.  Dave also changed after his attempt.  He had always had a tempter...I knew to leave him alone and let him calm down, but it was different now.  He would be fine one moment and so angry the next that it was like he was someone else.  I could see in body language and hear in voice that things were escalating, and would inevitably become violent.  He was mentally and verbally abusive/manipulative all along, I just didn't realize how much until recently - I was blind to it.  *sigh*  Things changed in mid-September.  I came to visit my mom who was having back surgery and stayed for a week.  DM did not come with me.  This was rare, he never let me travel alone, except for short work trips.  When it was time to head back, I was physically sick walking into the airport.  I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was racing, etc.  I begged Dad to let me stay longer.  He calmed me down and told me to go back, and wrap things up at work, find a lawyer, etc.  I did, and when I got off the last plane and was head to baggage claim, DM was there to pick me up.  I almost passed out and wanted to run the other way.  I knew that was it, I could not live like that.  I kept my mouth shut that night, and went to work in the morning.  I talked to Brian and explained things.  He wasn't happy, but understood (or so I hope).  He held my resignation for a few days, so that no one would contact DM or tell him what I did until I took of a few things.  I called Dad and he flew out the next morning, Tuesday.  He did want me to tell DM I was leaving by myself - we just were not sure what he would do and did not want to risk it.  I talked to a lawyer, rented a U-haul trailer, etc.  When DM got home that night, he walked in and found me and Dad sitting at the table...and that is when I ended it.  This is not how I wanted things to be - I never thought I would be a divorcee, an abuse victim, etc.  I thought I was smart enough to make good choices and smart enough to see and get away from abuse if I encountered it.  Anyway, I called DM's brother, and he came and got him.  DM stayed with him for a while.  Dad and I went through the house and packed up my things...well, a good percentage of my things - I had to leave a lot of things I wanted and had purchased personally (actually, most of the items in that house I purchased, even though I made much less money than DM).  Dad and I started driving...over a 1000 miles...A new start...A new life...New challenges...but still, DM wants to fight, wants to make life harder, wants to hurt me and threaten me often.  I just want to start over and make a good life for myself.  I don't know exactly what that life will be, but I know I will be happy...I will have a job that I love and look forward to...I will go back and get my BA degree...hopefully my Master's as well...etc...   Somehow, submissive or not..alone or not...I will make it.  I will never let him win.  He took more than enough from me and hurt me more than I ever could have imagined, but no more.  I deserve more and will not settle for any less. 

Hmm...sorry for the long ramble and for giving you more info than you probably wanted...but I guess I just needed to see it in black and white...  Maybe it will be therapeutic! Ha!

The fun continues...*evil grin*  I earned my first punishment from Sir...He tried to tickle me to death!  LOL...I really have to learn not to laugh and squirm when tickled!  Sir, whose touch is so unbelievble, has found all my tickle spots - several of which I didn't even know I had!!  *blushes innocently*  He has also pushed me...guided me to try new things, which I am greatful for.  He honored me with a display of his bondage ability by binding my breasts and then securing my hands high behind my back.  Wow, if that doesnt give Him control - especially in certain, uhm, activites - I have the welts to prove it!! *giggles*  Oh, and Sir asked me to stay another night *big grin*.  I can't wait for him to get back from work!  It is torture knowing I only moments from him, but cannot be with him!  I hope he knows the longer I am here, the harder it will be to go home when I have to! 

I want Sir to know how much he means to me and how much I miss him...I found the following poem online...

I miss you.

I miss your warm eyes,
the way you listen and care.
I miss your kisses
and all that we share.

I miss you.

I miss the touch of your hand,
so reassuring and sincere,
and the moments we spend together,
that I hold dear.

I miss you.

I miss all of the caring
things you do,
and spending the evening
alone with you.

I miss you.

I look forward to tomorrow
knowing that then,
I'll be one day closer
to seeing you again.

You must have
guessed it by now...
I miss you!

How can Sir be so patient with me?  I don't think I could be as patient with a troublesome sub as He is. 

I was in a bad relationship PRIOR to Sir finding me.  That prior relationship has made it very difficult for me to trust again.  I have a hard time letting my guard down around anyone.  I have put up walls to protect myself.  Some of which I didn't even know about at first, and may still not know of.  Sir and I were chatting last night and he made me a very sweet and thoughful offer of speaking to a friend of his about the lifestyle so that I could learn more.  I, unfortunely, took his offer to mean something completely different.  My fear, anger and pain from before made me react horribly.  I took it to mean that I was more work than he wished, needed more training than was possible, etc.  Part of me knew I was just over reacting...but for some reason, I could not let it go.  He asked me several times if everything was alright.  I kept responding that everything was.  He reconized something was not actually ok.  He helped me to realize that I was trying to talk myself, not him, into believing all was ok.  I can't really explain very well what was going through my head.  I just panicked.  My trust was shattered by my ex and I am learning to trust again slowly, but once in a while, I slip.  This was one of those times.  I knew better in my mind, but my emotions were stronger.  I suppose it is a safely mechanism in a way...  At any rate, Sir was very understanding and patient.  More than I deserve, actually.  I know I must frustrate him, but I really don't mean to.  I honestly want to do all I can for him, make him proud to spend his time with me.  When I am with him, either in person or online, I am so happy.  I feel I am safe and I know he cares about me.  I know I have to do better, and I promise him I will.  I just hope I do not slip anymore!  I can't allow myself to slip again.  It would not be fair to him and he deserves so very much.

Ok...Now, the good part....  Sir says that I get to visit on Thursday!  He says we can try out some more toys!!  Wohoo!  I can't wait to see him and be near him!  I feel so calm and centered when I am at his feet or locked in his cuffs.  There is no where else I want to be!