Master,

It was wonderful seeing You last night - albeit it was too short as always.  Time flies by so quickly when we are together.  I never seem to have enough time to say all the things I feel in my heart for You.  I guess that is why you have asked me to make daily journal entries.

I came to the realization last night when driving home that when I spend time with you, it provides me with the fodder for thought needed to make these daily entries.  I notice that when I don't see you for a week or so, I start running out of ideas/thoughts.  Seeing you awakens things inside me that I didn't understand were there.
One of the things I began to feel last night was that the little girl in me wants and needs You to hold her and tell her she is loveable.  You are what she needs to feel safe and secure.  Why she isn't feeling safe and secure, I do not know.  Guess I'll save that for another entry.

So, when I woke up this morning I felt all warm and fuzzy.  Then as the day wore on, I began to feel ugly and undesirable.   I don't know if it is because I haven't been getting the positive feedback from You (ie - damn you are one hot bitch!!) or if its because I haven't been to the gym in a while (uh, the sprained ankle seems like a good excuse?!)  Or, is something else feeding this insecurity?  Perhaps it is tied to the little girl feeling insecure?  Hmmmm....

I've also begun to wonder if I should be on the look out for assignments for myself to help my little girl feel better about herself?  Master, any thoughts on this?

I will close this entry with a quote from a Beyonce song I heard today that captures my feelings for You, my love :

"You hit me like the sun....I'm addicted to Your light.  I've been awakened....every rule You are breakin'.  Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by Your warm embrace! You know You are my saving grace.  You are everything I need and more. Baby, I can feel Your halo, You know You are my saving grace."

I love you and miss you so very much, dearest Master!!

Your Willow xnxx

Dear sweet Master,

I'm sorry I haven't posted a journal entry for a while!  I haven't had much to talk about lately (you are surprise I know, LOL!)  Since we haven't seen each other in a while, nor spoken at length, I find I don't have much fodder for thought.  No music has inspired me and no thoughts have leaped into my mind.  All I can think to say, is I miss YOU and love YOU more than the air I breath.  I long to be in You arms and feel You holding me tight.  I can't wait to spend some time with You, which I know will be at least a couple of weeks from now.  I pray Your schedule will free up some time for us in the coming months so we can continue to nurture our love, friendship and bond.  Please know that You are always in my thoughts, prayers, dreams and mind.  Everywhere I look, everything I do, everyone I meet - all make me think of You.  I belong to YOU heart, body and soul FOREVER!!

Lovingly submitted,

Willow xnxx

Darling Master,

In keeping with my musical theme from last night, I heard an Elton John song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" (I'm not a big fan) and one of the lyrics gave me a knock on the head. "I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road..." The meaning of these words jumped out at me! I need let go of the "dream" (the yellow brick road) because the dream doesn't/cannot exist.  My dream lies is in the here and now. Focusing on what isn't or should be (judgement based) will only lead to heartache, pain and disappointment. Relinquishing CONTROL (yes my buzz word:) over the future and realizing who I am NOW will enable me to focus on ways to better myself and become a more peaceful, accepting individual!  "There are plenty like me to be found" (thank you Elton again for the focus on the dreamer in me).  While I acknowledge most people are dreamers,  I do NOT want to be like everyone else!  So, I must let go of the future & get in touch with reality in order to be the woman You believe me to be - imperfect yes but oh so very special & unique! One thing I do know for sure, is that meeting You WAS my destiny and I thank the universe for allowing me the opportunity to know and love You!  You, Master, will always be the ONLY man for me - Heaven made you specially for ME - I have no doubt and this belief is grounded in the present moment!

Lovingly submitted by your humble, hot bitch,

Willowxnxx

Dearest Master,

As you know, I'm a musically motivated kinda gal so when I heard a Bad Company song tonight a verse from one of their songs spoke to me - "My rainbow is overdue". These words got me thinking about why happiness seems to have always eluded me? Why am I here & what should I be doing with my life? It finally dawned on me tonight on my drive home from meeting You that the answer has been right in front of me for over a year (almost 2 years now.) My purpose is to bring happiness, joy, fulfillment, love & laughter into YOUR life. And, in return You have given me the most precious gift a man can give a woman, Your protection & guidance towards being the best woman I can be. With patience comes the solitude I am seeking, which will be delivered by your very capable hands!
You have asked me numerous times, would I rather understand the depth of what we have together with the limitations it will forever place upon my future relationships OR never to have felt this type of love and trust in another? I've always hesitated answering but now have come to a concrete conclusion. I believe, Sir, it is far better to have lived this moment with you & realize true love's potential than to live a lifetime without knowing You and Your love!!!!!

So, in keeping with tonight's musical theme, I will quote from the next song I heard tonight after Bad Company, which was the Rolling Stones. "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need" - no truer words have been sung!!!

Lovingly yours as always,
Willow xnxx

I have an assignment - yippee!!  My Master asked me to think about and list the things I believe please Him.  So here goes, Master.....

1.  Remember the specialness within me (list provided previously)

2.  Look kindly & lovingly at the image in the mirror

3.  Listen, trust and obey Him

4.  Respect & honor Him in thoughts & actions

5.  Care for His property - sleep, eat & exercise regularly

6.  Be honest to myself & Him

7.  Make wise, safe choices to protect His property

8.  Stop trying to CONTROL life & situations

9.  Nurture & broaden my mind

10. Take care to look my best

11. Do NOT hesitate to follow directions or answer Him

12. Remember the positions & postures He has taught me

13. Always wear heals (unless working out of course!)

14. Reply respectfully by saying "Sir", "Master" or "whatever pleases you"

15. Make daily journal entries

16. Do not under-estimate His power to protect & love me

17. Let go of the past & embrace the moment, here & now

I hope, Master, this meets with Your approval! I love you always & forever!

Your bitch, Willow xnxx

My Master never ceases to amaze me with His capacity for tolerance, patience and kindness.  I am grateful He saw (and continues to see) in me the potential to be His Sub.  He is always there to guide and protect me.  I should be asking myself all the time "what can I do to make Him happy and fulfilled."  In fact, I want this thought to become second nature - an automatic response!! I feel guilty at times there isn't more I can do for Him.  He does so much for me and I want to be able to bring Him the joy He brings me.  I want to show Him the respect he deserves by placing his needs before mine and to always remember the sacrifices my Master makes for me.  If I'm disrespectful or disappoint Him in anyway, my ass cheeks are going to be red for a long time.  The last whipping I got made it difficult to sit for a couple of hours afterwards (although I did LOVE it!!)  Master informed me I am due for a beating because I still have not learned to give up control of my negative thoughts.  He said, "I am going to beat it out of you until you get it! And this time its going to be much harder than the last!" Yikes, I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  Am I ready to enter subspace? Only he can say!  I trust Him more than any other person I have ever known and believe He will take me as far as I need to go.  Based on his warnings, I suspect my ass is going to be red for days?!  I'm getting wet just thinking about it......I can't wait to feel the leather straps across my ass....to count out each and every slap of the whip....to show my respect and love for my Master.  I want to kneel at His feet, take every inch of His cock down my throat, suck His balls, present my ass and pussy to Him - to do with as he pleases.  

Your loving, faithful Sub,

Willow xnxx

I never knew love could be like this.  I now understand what it means to be loved completely by a man.  But not just by any man, but by my MASTER.  I feel like I have won the lottery and am living a life with a full understanding of love.  Love isn't about sex or finding someone to MAKE you happy - it is about knowing yourself, understanding, trust, acceptance, a willingness to give in order to receive, learning, exploring and a motivation to be the best person you can be for yourself and your partner (in my case my Master.) 

He asked me once, "are you sure you are ready for this?  your whole life is going to change....suddenly what used to be a big sea of fish will shrink down to a puddle....the options available to you will be change forever."  When He said this, I thought "hmmmmm that's what He thinks." Well, all I can say now is I obviously lacked of the knowledge and experience to completely understand what he was talking about. After now spending a year and a half with my Master, it is crystal clear this is not a "lifestyle" but a way of living for the rest of my life.  I will never be able to go back to a "vanilla" relationship and cannot be whole without the love of a strong Master at my side.  This realization is not only frightening but also freeing at the same time because I now know what I need to feel loved. 

My Master has taken the time to tutor me in the ways of a Dom/Sub relationship.  He has helped me to develop and grow as a woman and nurtured the little girl within.  He has patiently guided me towards the understanding of my true potential and the uniqueness I possess.  He has shown me I am special, beautiful, smart, loving, HOT, kind, sexy, cute and most-importantly that I AM worthy of love!!!

I hear His voice in my head, I see His eyes when I look in the mirror, He has taken over my body and possesses my heart. I am utterly His and now understand what it means to belong to Him in every way imaginable.  My heart skips a beat and my clit contracts just at the thought of Him. I cannot wait to see Him or hear His voice. My body and soul cry out for Him daily!!!! He is my elixir of life and love and I am devoted to Him in every way a woman could be.  I fantasize about Him grabbing my hair from behind and whispering in my ear, "God you are a hot, Bitch - MY Bitch!" as he slaps my bare ass cheek.  I want Him to take me, possess me, enter me, slam inside me, slap me, choke me, love me.  For only he can do the things to me I need, want and desire.  Please Master......make my wants, desires and fantasies a reality - I am begging you naked, on all fours, with a very wet pussy and eager ass for Your next command.

Your humble, horny Sub - Willow xnxx

I awoke this morning with a song in my heart and my thoughts of one thing - MY MASTER!!!  Oh, how I love Him - everything about Him fills me with such pleasure, excitement and joy.  When my phone rings, my heart jumps, hoping it is Him calling or texting.  Not to mention the way my pussy contracts when I hear His voice.  My desire for Him holds boundaries, anything He asks of me I will do!  I do this because His love lifts me higher than I have ever been lifted before (thanks Rita Coolidge for the inspirational song this morning!) He gives me the opportunity to be the best woman I can be!!

When I was masturbating yesterday, I realized my orgasm was not quite as fulfilling as it used to be - I NEED my Master.  His love, passion and entire being completes me and the things I do.  My body and soul belong to Him and Him alone - I can no longer give myself the complete release of an orgasm without His presence.  This is a strange realization and one He has told about me before - I am just now getting it.  For, without Him, I am no longer whole.  He and he alone completes my mind, body and soul.

Most of my thoughts and actions are done with him in mind.  Will He approve, if I do this or that? What can I do to make Him proud? Would He like my outfit selection today? Are my internal thoughts positive and loving in terms of how He thinks of me?  What can I do to make myself a better, happier person for me, Him and Us?  Have I done what he has asked of me today - made my journal entry, read the blogs, etc.?  Was I disrespectful, rude or bitchy when we last spoke? What punishment might He inflict on His bitch if I step over the line?  All these things and more I ask myself daily. 

Master, what can I do for You today to bring You the pleasure, fulfillment and joy that You bring me each moment of every day?  Thank you for allowing me to be Your lover, best-friend, bitch, confidante, slave, slut, cunt, admirer, girlfriend, workout partner - whatever You ask of me I will do, think, feel and be!!

Lovingly, respectfully and humbly submitted - YOUR Willow always and forever!! xnxx

So, my Master, has asked me to set up a blog for my daily journal entries.  For the time being, I am still going to use this site to post my entries.  In preparation for my assignment, I've done some research about setting up a blog by checking for other Subs who have done the same.  I found one blog which I found intriguing (suggested to me by my clever Master).  I read about the assignments given to her by her Master and started to think about her assignments in terms of myself - trying to figure out the types of assignments my Master would assign me.  The problem (or perhaps it isn't really a problem) is I am not shy - in fact I am quite outgoing and very gregarious.  I don't back down easily from a dare and am not afraid to try new things.  Hmmmm.....what lies in store for me?  The area where I need to do most of my development is not sexuality, or personality, or fear of being exposed but in giving up control.  I am a perfectionist and type A personality - I like things to be just as I want them to be, much to my own detriment at times.  So, perhaps this will be the area where my Master will work with me to enable me to the best I can be?  I must say thought that some of the sexual stuff I read about on the other Sub's blogs really turned me on - so I HOPE he has some kinky stuff in store too.  I am one HORNY bitch - in need of my Master's stiff cock and strong, swift hand on my ass cheeks.  Yuuuummmmmy....getting myself all worked up in a lather here.

My Master has asked me to make a journal entry every single day.  What in the world am I going to say here on a daily basis.  I always give so much thought and put a lot of effort into my journal entries.  I guess I will just have to wing it and try not to be such a perfectionist with my thoughts on paper.  I don't have to write a book each day, right?

So here goes......today I turned on my computer at 5:20am and the word "peace" came to mind. I have decided to make it my "word of the day." I will strive to find peace in my world today - in my actions, thoughts and mind.  I will strive to be a happier more peaceful woman.  I will do this for me and for my Master, whom I love more than life itself. 

Signing off for now.  I want to write more but I will refrain so I can enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning;)

Lovingly submitted to you, Master,

Willowxnxx

I have been a bit blue and melancholy the last couple of days.  Asking myself why am I in this funk?  I heard a song today that really spoke to my soul and the words to the song have enabled me to put to words my feelings.

Life is filled with such beauty and wonder but I still find I am filled with grief, sorrow and longing.  I am finding it increasingly difficult to take pleasure in the little things in life.  Some days I feel strong and happy and other days weak and tired.  On those "off" days, my heart and soul feel cold and weary.  Where do I find the answer to "fix" my sadness.  How can I mend this aching and desire?  Am I destined to be sad for the rest of my days? If I can't find the answer, then who will?  I cannot bear the thought of spending the rest of my days unhappy and unfulfilled.  Do I possess the strength to go on without fulfillment and happiness?

Mr. Black said to me the other day, " You have this dream in life but you are being too idealistic."

to be continued upon my return.....

Well, I spent hours editing this journal entry and none of the additions or edits I made were saved.  I am pissed beyond believe that all that work is GONE! Fuck it!!!

You, Master, never cease to amaze me with your knowledge and ability to help me see things differently.  When I say differently, I mean by letting go of the chains that bound me to who I believe I am and the way I have always viewed things.  Who I was is NOT who I have the ability to be.  You continue to show me that I can use the strength with myself to empower rather than hinder my personal growth.  It has always come down to wanting to control life, things, situations, people in a way which is completely out of my control.  Giving up control and embracing the fact that doing my best and meeting my own expectations is ALL which really matters.  Trying to control EVERYTHING is going to drive me mad!!!!  My best IS good enough and there in lies the key to the life-long happiness I long to achieve.  Now comes the hard part.....how do I give up who I thought I was...that is what is going to be the hard part, Master.

Lovingly yours as always, Willowxnxx

Dear sweet, wonderful, sexy, hot Mr. Black,

I know our date is only 2 days away but it seems like an eternity to me.  I do not want to spend the time on our date talking about what I would like to say, so I would like to take the opportunity to get my cards out on the table now and allow you some time to think about what I am about to say here.  Then, on our date you can do the talking and I'll do the listening;)

First and foremost, when you text me, phone me and spend time with me, I want you to know I don't take one solitary second for granted.  I want to make you feel like the most important person in the world, cherished, liked, respected, honored and loved! I don't want to pressure you, place demands, give ultimatums or make you feel guilty.  If you could be with me, I know in my you would!

As you know, I have always managed my relationships based on MY terms.  If a man was unable to give me what I deserved, I went out and found someone else who would.  You are the first man who has given me less than I want, and damn it, I don't like it sometimes! So, what makes you different? Why are you so special? I have taken a lot of time to ponder this over the last several months.  I would be lying if I said the TERRIFIC sex didn't have something to do with it (a bit of levity;) but I must say I don't believe the mind-blowing sex would be possible if I didn't feel accepted, trusted, cherished, wanted, desired, liked, loved and honored. In the nearly two years I have know you, you have taken the time to really get to know me, you want to know me, you like me, love me and desire me in every way possible.  When I see myself through your eyes, I see an intelligent, funny, gifted, classy, beautiful, hot, sexy, fuck-able woman.  I like the way I feel when I am with you - I feel happy just being in your presence.  I have never met a man with the ability to make me feel the way you.  It is unimaginable there could ever be another man who could fill your shoes!  You are everything I have ever wanted in a man. To me you are PERFECT!!!

While it is unthinkable for me to image a life without, I want you know that if you ever need to take a break or simply end our relationship that I will understand and respect your decision.  I value you and your life more than you could ever imagine.  It is important for you understand that no matter how deeply I feel for you and no matter how painful a separation from you would be, I would never, ever do anything disrespectful, hurtful or damaging to your or your family.  I want nothing more in life than for you to live a happy, productive, healthy life.  And I know you want the same for me. 

I know neither one of us knows what the future holds.  I cherish every single moment I spend with you like a gift from God and I will always hold you close to my heart.  You have helped me to realize the power and strength within myself and for that I will always be grateful.  Thank you, my love and Master, for the gift of your friendship.  You are one of my greatest treasures in life and I will NEVER EVER forget you or stop loving you.  You will always hold a very special place in my heart until the day I die. 

Submitted to you with love as always,

Willow xnxx

Where oh where is my long lost love?!  Trying to give him some space to recoup from a difficult last couple of weeks.  But, selfishly, I long to hear his voice and the sound of his laughter.  Poor Willow misses her man something awful!!!

Day 12

Today I am going to explore the definitions of some words, which were recently discussed with my partner. I have removed the definitions I found to be arbitrary and do not apply to said discussion. I have also included some other words worthy of another discussion? I would like to explore titles for Your Submissive besides Willow - I think I am befitting of a title, don't You?!

Mistress/Master:
1. a person who has the ability or power to use, authority or control.

2. a person who has the power of controlling or disposing of something at own pleasure.

Submissive:
inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient.

Control:

1.(verb) to lay hold of, seize, or take.

2.(verb) to put a collar on

1.(noun) a leather or metal band or a chain, fastened around the neck, used as a means of restraint or identification.

1. a formal or polite term of address for a man.

Goddess/God:

1. a person of extraordinary beauty/handsomeness and charm.

Masochist:

1. a person who receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

Day 11

I miss my man, lover, teacher, master, soul-mate and best friend!!!  Being home without you simply sucks!!!!!!  I long to be in your arms, hear your laugh, gaze upon your gorgeous smile & body and hear you say softly in my ear with your sexy voice,"Willow, you belong to me!!!!"  How those words melt me to the core - WOW!  I feel so lucky and the little girl in me is jumping up & down, clapping her hands, saying "I AM worthy and loved by the most wonderful man on the planet!!!"  I wait and wait like a school-girl for a text message, email or phone call....butterflies in my stomach when I hear his voice.  I know it sounds lame but its true. 

Although you, Sir Black, are far away my thoughts are always about you, hoping you are well and getting the well deserved rest your body & soul need.

I love you and count the days until you return to my waiting, willing arms.

Lovingly submitted by, yours forever Willow xoxo xnxx 

Day 10

On the surface, Sir Black, meets all of my needs.  Since meeting Him, I have a single focal point that replaces all my needs and gives meaning to my life and through which I now define my entire identity.  The person I am in love with and my world now has a center.  I am no longer a disconnected fragment of the universe.  My world has a center, which is YOU, Master!  I no longer seem to matter because my feelings of emptiness, incompleteness, fear and lack of fulfillment seem to have dissolved.  But wait, have these feelings really disappeared?  Or, do they continue to exist underneath the surface of my happy "surface" reality?  As I said earlier, I am on a high when the "Black" drug is available and when the drug is no longer available, all the painful emotions come flooding back.  These feelings of withdrawal are horrible and I wish to avoid them at all costs.

How am I going to get over this "black" addiction.  One way is to recognize the specialness and beauty of my existence and individuality.  I must value who I am underneath the surface in order to make room for the peace, joy and happiness of the true love I seek. I hope this complete acceptance of self will stop the clinging, addition and need to possess YOU.  I long to ALWAYS feel a "oneness" with you and our love.  I believe "love" is a state of being.  Love is not outside and dependent upon anyone - it is in ME!  I hold the key to everlasting love - what a beautiful realization.  This concept is so empowering because it means that no one can ever take love away from me!! Love exists within me and love cannot EVER be lost - it lives in me. 

Another way to overcome the addiction is to accept that "our" relationship is here to make me conscious instead of happy.  The gift of you and our relationship gives me the opportunity to obtain awareness and enlightenment.

Lastly, our relationship is enabling my divine purpose to unfold - this is how important "WE" are to one another!!!

This concludes the pontification of Willow.......for today!

Thoughtfully submitted to you, my Master, with the utmost respect, love and longing. Forever your Willow, heart, body and soul!!! xnxx W

Sorry for the delay in answering you my dear, sweet Sir Black!!

You asked me why I chose the name Mr. Black as opposed to Mr. White.  Well, the thought never even occurred to me to call you Mr. White.  I chose black because you like me to wear the color black and you look incredibly sexy in black!  Your personality is anything but "white", my love.  White invokes thoughts of vanilla, purity, lightness.....words I wouldn't use to describe you in any way!  When I think of you in terms of a color, I think of power, sex, an all encompassing depth that I would like to plunge head first into and lose myself in.  You are my "Sir" Black and NO other color will do!!!!

Last night, you questioned my comment - "I find myself doubting him, questioning him, lashing out at him emotionally, thereby giving him more cause to doubt my readiness and perhaps even showing my own weakness and fragility."  This sentence was meant to explain that I have realized I've been sharing some destructive negative emotions with you lately, which I believe is not aiding my deep desire to get from you what I WANT so badly (and you know what that is darling.)  If I want what I want, then why in the HELL am I lashing out at you emotionally by doubting & questioning your motivations?  Now that is a very good question indeed!  Perhaps it is the scared little girl in the deep recesses of my mind afraid that you may reject me? Your rejection is totally unacceptable; hence, the over-developed strong woman in me is trying to protect her by pushing you away emotionally.  Surely, my emotional outbursts lately have had a negative impact on you, Sir, and you feel the negative energy I have been projecting?!  It is clear that the girl and woman are at odds and must come to a mutual agreement in order for these negative emotions to dissipate. They must work together in order for me to the place I want to be!  Of course, they need your sweet guidance and sincere patience so we can move FORWARD.

So, if that answers all your questions, Sir Black, I would like to now continue with my next journal entry.......

Day 9

I have missed a couple of days, yes again, because I have been busy thinking (uh oh!) trying to understand the feelings and emotions that seem to have been crippling me of late.  I believe I have now come to an understanding and am ready to commit my thoughts to paper.  So...here goes.

 So, I was on a plane on my way back home from Vegas and started to read the first volume of "Fifty Shades of Grey".  It was recommended to me by my best friend, lover and Master (?) as well as a close girlfriend.  I have never been one to "go with the masses" in my choices in literature, movies, clothing styles, etc. but the subject matter had me interested....BDSM....Dom/Sub relationship exposed in a "romantic" way for the masses.   Hmmmmm sounded intriguing - so why the hell not read it while I'm trapped on a plane for 5 hours.  I got settled in my seat, strapped in and started to read.  I am SHOCKED and thrilled, to say the least, at the emotional impact the book had on me.  I cried and cried while reading the book and could NOT understand why I had such a strong reaction to the story.  As far as I am concerned the book is "vanilla" in terms of the BDSM and its lack of "shock" value for me but still I was riveted by the emotions I felt while reading it.  After finishing the book, I couldn't wait to get my hands on volumes 2 and 3 but I also wanted to explore why I reacted the way I did to the first book.

 After much reflection, I have discovered I have a lot in common with the lead female character, Anastasia, and my Dom/Master is to the lead male character, Christian Grey.  Perhaps many Doms & Subs could say they, too, possess many of the same qualities because they are in BDSM relationships or have been in them at one point in time their lives.  This type of relationship is new to me and I have been newly exposed to this new "lifestyle" by my best friend and partner, here I will call him my "Mr. Black."  Mr. Black, has no "Grey" areas - he knows what he wants and gets it! He is powerful, strong-willed and -minded, intelligent, forceful yet kind, nurturing, a borne leader, organized, patient and knows how to listen.  All these qualities are exactly what a "newbie" like me needs.  Yet, I found when reading the book that I felt jealous of all the attention Anastasia receives from her Mr. Grey and found myself feeling lonely and lacking in some way.  So, I had to explore the reasons behind the pain, longing and feeling lack of fulfillment.  I know my Mr. Black gives me as much as he can give AND as much as he thinks I can handle.  However, I am not as fragile, ignorant,  delicate and "virginal" as said, Anastasia.  I possess a much deeper understanding of myself than she and feel ready to embark much deeper, physically and mentally, into this "lifestyle" choice I have made freely.  Why won't my Mr. Black take me where I want to go? Questions and doubts abound in my mind.  I find myself doubting him, questioning him, lashing out at him emotionally, thereby giving him more cause to doubt my readiness and perhaps even showing my own weakness and fragility.

 I understand it is much easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than it is to see it in oneself.  This lack of "vision" can manifest itself in many forms - possessiveness, control, emotional outbursts, resentment, anger, and the need to be right.  On the positive side, my existence seems to have become so much more meaningful since He has come into my life.  He sees me for who I am, doesn't judge me or my past, and makes me feel very special.  When I am with him, the rest of the world fades away into insignificance but there is a clinging quality to my intense feelings.  Dare I say, I feel addicted to Him and how He makes me feel - like he is a drug?  It is true, I am on a high when I am with Him and when he is gone, I find myself wanting Him more and more.  The lack of His presence brings about feelings of sadness, loss, self-doubt, and, dare I say it, jealousy.  I believe myself to be a rational, well-educated woman and  know my negative feelings do NOT make sense.  How is it the wonderful, loving feelings I have for this man  can change so quickly into self-doubt, -loathing and -pity?  Is this really love or an addictive grasping and desperate clinging?!  If he meets my needs, why do I find myself lacking? 

To be continued later tonight....much more to come....

Day 8

I am lonely lonely lonely, bored, confused, sad, depressed, hurt, disappointed, lost, blah blah blah.  I am also so sick and tired of feeling this way.  Why can't I break free of the "funk"?!  To top it all off, good old Aunt Flo showed up early for her monthly visit - this girl just can't catch a break lol!  Oh well, such is life.

 Haven't had much of a chance to do any self-reflection today.  So, I don't have much to share.  Although, I did hear some interesting things yesterday that I wrote down which I will impart upon those who choose to read this journal entry.

*  One must listen with one's whole being for the silence.  Silence allows sound to BE!  Every sound is borne out of silence and dies back into it.  Silence with out and stillness with in. 

*  Nothing "real" can be threatened and nothing "unreal" exists.  Herein, lies peace.

 I found these points interesting and thought-provoking in my own quest to find stillness and peace in life.  Perhaps it will enlighten one of you as well?

 Laters babe! W xnxx

Part B

I am so sexually frustrated that I want to scream, yell and punch something.  So tired of trying so damned hard - this is becoming exhausting.  Why, why why can't I silence my thoughts and feelings?  Is it too much to ask to be fucked hard AND loved?!  Sheesh.....I can't figure this shit out!!  Guess its back to my dildo, vibrator and clips.  If my man won't fuck me, I'll have to go fuck myself!!  No contract or collar yet so I suppose my body still belongs to me....this is not what I want but heh its what He wants!!! FUCK, SHIT, DAMN!!!

Day 7

Patience is such a difficult concept for me to grasp.  I always seem to be waiting for something to happen....and patience is a lesson I must learn, which ties into my need to release control.  In the past, I have always been in control and rarely exercised patience because I went after whatever I wanted and succeeded.  Now, I am no longer in control and want so badly to MAKE things happen.  My next question to solve is "what do I want?"  The answer lies in embracing patience and thereby giving up the control of life.  Why is this concept such a damned difficult obstacle?  The answer is completely eluding me.

So, I asked my Master "why won't you give me what I want?" In His stern, fatherly tone He says, "you are not ready.  Be patient - it will come!"  Alright, Sir, but I do feel ready and want You to give me the answer so we can move forward!!!  I know You have the answer and won't tell me because You want me to figure it out on my own - DAMN IT!!!! I am an only child and have ALWAYS gotten what I wanted.  Mentally, I am throwing myself on the floor and pitching a major tantrum. GIVE IT TO ME NOW, I am saying!

All I want is for YOU to possess me completely.  Is that too much to ask, Master?!  Why won't You give me what I WANT?!!  Do with me what You like and I will strive to make You happy in every way possible - what is wrong with that?  I not as fragile as You think so PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME and I will show You the strength You know I possess - PLEASE PLEASE!  I am on my knees begging for You so we can take the next step.....my collaring.....please, Sir, I want it NOW.  My childish tantrum is about to start!!!! Oh boy, do I need a very hard spanking mentally and physically - I need YOU to punish me severely!!!!! Tie me up, pull my hair, take me anyway you wish....I am Yours to control and possess....I am waiting Your reply dearest, Master.......xxnxx

Day 6

"Be like a slave waiting for His master" Jesus

This quote by Jesus is profound and feel its applicable to my daily life as a slave to my Master.  I am always awaiting His kind words, longing to have His lips on mine, to feel His arms around me like the sea around a shore, to have Him possess me totally and completely.  I want to surrender my whole being to Him - I long for nothing more in life than Him.   

He takes me to places I never thought possible - both physically and mentally.  In his arms I have glimpses of Heaven and Hell because NOBODY can see me but HIM. The mask I wear with Him is one but only He sees the real me. There is nothing I can do to repay Him for all that He has done - I am a slave to His love.

How can I tell, you Master, how much I love You? I am always thinking of You but can't think of the right words to say - the words just blow away like seeds in the wind.  I am always walking with You, whoever I am with I am with You, talking with You and sad that You cannot hear me.  It ends up to one thing - a deep longing to tell You that I am Yours to do with as you please! And, every night I pray for Your safekeeping and the hope You will return to my humble, eager, hungry arms once again!

Day 5

After a short break from making my journal entries, I am back to make my fifth entry.  I spent 5 LONG ass days away from my Master - reconnecting with a girlfriend.  I used the time away to re, where I am and what direction I believe I should travel.  I mourned my past and celebrated the life I have now with my Master and dearest friend.  I also discovered I am very very scared about the future and my lack of control over what is to come.  It is frustrating for me to accept that I have ZERO control over the outcome of the future but empowered and grateful I have the ability to chose from numerous options available. 

One word keeps popping into my mind - "honesty."  I have always feared complete honesty because I thought if I shared my deepest, darkest secrets and fears that it would send any man screaming for the hills.  However, I chose to look those fears right in the eyes and threw caution to the wind by sharing them with my Master.  In doing so, I have discovered even more than ever that true love really can overcome many obstacles and bring two people even closer.

No words can describe the relief I feel in finding that I can be myself and still be loved.  I AM LOVEABLE - and perhaps even more loveable when I show my weak, fragile side.  I feel so incredibly grateful to have a best friend, lover, confidante and MASTER in my corner cheering me on.  I LOVE you, Master, more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.  You bring so much meaning to my life and help me to embrace & love myself with each passing day.  XXnXX

Day 4

I long for the touch of my Master, to have him wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear how hot & sexy he thinks I am,  saying He loves & cherishes me above all other women.  I fantasize about Him grabbing ahold of the back of my neck, pulling me close and driving his tongue deep into my mouth.  Of course, most of my fantasies about my Master go way beyond a deep kiss and into very kinky play.  I understand my relationship with Him is not only about sex (but oh the sex & intimacy are so incredibly fan-fucking-tastic!!!!)  First, this is about my journey and transformation towards being the best woman I can be for ME; and, secondly, its about being the best I can be as His woman - heart, body and soul.  I take a lot of pride this man, my Master, has chosen me out of all the women in the world - of that I am grateful and humbled!  Why did this successful, handsome, driven, intelligent, hardworking and articulate man chose me  - perhaps he saw a bit of himself in me? I am so lucky He believes in me and thinks me worthy of standing upon His big strong shoulders to lift me up towards the best I can be!!!!!!!

Thank you dearest Master, for all you do for me - you continue to amaze me on a daily basis and fill me such light and love.

Yours always lovingly,
Willow
xxnxx

Day 3 - evening

My Master was kind enough to spend some very valuable time talking with me this evening and I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  He continues to amaze me with His knowledge and insight into my psyche.  I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful man in my life, who lends a helpful ear and thoughtful, gentle guidance so I can find the strength to be the best woman I can be for myself. 

Thank you, Master, for your tutelage, love and support - for without you I merely stand alone and would not be completely whole without you!!!! I love you more than words can express!!!!

Faithfully and forever your humble submissive,

Willow

xxnxx;) 

Day 3

I got in touch with some pretty raw emotions last night and came to a conclusion about my life and the choices I need to make in order to be complete and whole.  I have decided I must go back to work to reclaim my identity.  I hope, then, my stress-load will lessen.  I will employ a Nanny to handle the daily routines, which have become so tedious and have caused a great deal of stress and unhappiness in my life.  This is the ONLY choice I can make to ensure my future sanity.  I realized last night that the root of my problems, stress and unhappiness, are due to my feelings of being an utter failure.  These feelings are new to me, as I have always been successful in achieving my goals and endeavors through perseverance and hard-work.  Now, the things I am channeling my energy into are not responding positively and I feel like a failure because I am getting very little positive results. It has become crystal clear life is telling me I must redirect my energy and focus into a more positive outlet lest I WILL self-destruct.  When I say "self-destruct", I mean I will allow irrational, negative thoughts and emotions to control my actions and life in general.  Allowing this destructive pattern to occur will lead me to be a person I do NOT want to be - a person who is negative, irrational, stressed and unhappy.  I so badly want to be happy and successful in all things I strive to do in life!!!!!!!!

While looking for a job, I must find a way to cope with life as it is now and silence the negative thoughts and emotions which seem to have a rock solid hold over me.  When these negative thoughts arise, I will acknowledge them and tell them they have no place in my life.  I will listen for the silence around me even though there may be noise surrounding me.  There is always silence in between and underneath the sound of my thoughts - if I will only stop & listen.  Listening for the silence will bring about an awareness of the stillness within.  Only the stillness within can bring about a perception of the silence outside.  This will NOT be an easy assignment and will take much practice and great perseverance.  Then again, I don't have any other choice but to succeed!!!!!!!!!

Day 2

So my journey continues.....my thoughts keep going to my need to surrender to the negative in my life in order to embrace all the good.  Since I do not have the power to change things, I must accept them and move on to bettering myself.  In doing so, I hope to increase the positive energy I am projecting into the universe and attract positivity.  All the negativity because is a mental phantom my mind has created in an effort to resist giving up control over the things I cannot change.  My old way of doing things no longer suits my life today and I must discover a new way of handling things.  This is proving to be a very difficult assignment for me.  I am struggling to find answers so I can move forward on the path I choose to take now.  The chosen path is leading me towards a stronger, new me who will be worthy of my Master and all the wonderful things our relationship offers.

By acknowledging what I have now, I will become grateful for all the blessings which surround me in abundance.  The joy of life is NOW - not tomorrow, or the next day or the next.  Acceptance of what is NOW will attract the happiness and joy I seek.  I must give up waiting and accept the present moment and enjoy just BEING.

Finding a way to surrender to the chaos of my life will be my goal today and for days to come.  My loving Master has chosen me and I have chosen him.  Making us happy is the most important thing in my life.  In order for us to move forward on our path together, I have to work through my control issues so I can be the best person I can be for US!

I want my Master to be proud of me and my successes. I live to please Him and I know He loves me and cherishes me.  I want so much to continue our journey together but feel as though everything is on hold now while I figure out how to handle the stresses in my life.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make myself whole again....why is this all so difficult? I want our relationship to move forward but my Master feels I need to get a better handle on the stresses and negativity in my life before we journey any further.  This disappoints me and I feel anxious to get this all figured out. But there in lies the problem - I am too anxious for my life to move forward.  Why do I continue to live for the future? Why can't I just give all the negativity and be whole?  I feel shattered and broken like a tumble weed blowing across the desert looking for a place to settle. I believe my Master holds the key to many of my questions about my inner-self and who I am to become.  I feel ready to move forward with Him but only He can decide.....again another control issue for me obviously.....more on that tomorrow:) xx

Today is the first day of my journal and the beginning of my journey into self-discovery.  My Master believes daily journal entries will be a good way for us to continue our journey together.  I want to be the best person I can be for my Master and for myself.  I want so much to make him proud and be worthy of his love, affection, friendship and guidance - for without him I stand alone......naked and exposed. 

I struggle daily to keep my life and the demands placed on me in check but at times (like last night), I felt like I was sufficating and have completely lost myself.  Although my Master is always with me in my heart, body and soul - I still struggle to find the strength to keep everything in balance. Dare I say, I am having a difficult time relinquishing control?  As a new sub, giving up control has been a difficult assignment and one that I am discovering is the key to many of my problems in life.  I know I must give up control in order to find the answers I need to re-identify myself.  Even though I know this to my core, why is it so hard for me to let go of the past "me" and move on to the future "me"?  I MUST accomplish this and to this end I will SUCCEED!!!!!!!! I WILL do this for myself and for the man I love more than any other man I have ever loved - my Master!