In Need.

I feel the pain spill over onto my eye lashes
and I pray I can find a way to hide the wide gashes.
My heart is cut open by the cruelty of lack;
yet, I continue to push myself to always come back.
The loneliness I feel is directly proportional to my need
and I find that all the good advice in the world I will not heed.
Neglect of my soul is starting to show through my eyes
and a little bit of my mind slips away each time hope dies.
I fight daily to repel the endless circle of bitterness
and search for a little ray of warm happiness.
The damage needs to be repaired
and this utter misery bared.

Kelly
  Elizabeth
     Collins
         Kec

For all those who are interested.  I am an Ordainied Minister.  So if you are looking to get married with a little Kink here in West Virginia, let me know.

The Guardian

Without hope there is no disappointment.  Without hope there is no reason to move forward.  Good and bad entwined in the desire for a better future.

Wicked

Moments of severe clarity are worth the journey of confusion.

Wicked

Most things that are bittersweet are more bitter than sweet.

Wicked

The trick is to transition from waiting for everything in life to actively doing things.  We wait for people, opportunities, the right moment…  A person can spend so much time waiting for something that there is no forward momentum. I endeavor to actively pursue things while I must wait on other experiences.  Inaction is a very harsh action.  It can be just as damaging if not more so because of a lack of trying something new to get a fresh result.  Such is the nature of insanity.

Wicked

             It is when you least expect it that you reveal something very telling of your nature.  The thing I have managed to work on is not visibly reacting.  That is a difficult task.

Wicked

Creation does not exist.  Rearrangement is the more likely possibility.  We neither create nor destroy energy; only change it.  We can arrange something for new possibilities to occur.  A lot of my religious ideas revolve around the fact I believe in balance.  Call it what I may (God, Goddess): I see it as a balance.  That energy, life force that exists in everything is not created or destroyed; only rearranged to make beautiful or devastating experiences.

Wicked

      Are we hiding from death until the very last moment?  Do we pretend that we will live forever; so, we can survive one more day of being a mortal with routines, chores, and schedules?  Past experience has taught me that extremes are often unhealthy and exactly what we want.  Extreme depression from death strangled me and it became clear that surrounding myself with grief from death did not make me understand anything more about my mortality.  We will not understand death until we aren’t alive to discuss it.  I consider the loss of life very saddening.  Whether it is human, animal, or plant I feel the loss of life when there is no more energy coursing through it. 

Wicked

     A Buddhist thought so striking it creeps into my dreams: “Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”  I have always heard that we write our own book of life; however, until I witnessed it firsthand I did not fully appreciate the truth in those words.  I have caused my soul much grief over the years and I am learning how to bring forth pleasure and joy in compassion for everyone including myself.  It is painfully obvious that I have allowed situations in my life to continue when they should have ended; however, it is just as saddening to realize I have not motivated myself to accomplish the things that would provide relief and health.  Every little decision made in haste or selfishness has caused the bigger picture of my life to be tarnished with emotional rust that slowly decays my heart.  It is only when I push forth through the depressive fog and make healthy choices that the colors in my life sparkle and shine.

Wicked

       Happiness must not be an illusion that we chase without success.  Tiny victories in making oneself happy will lead to a routine of the same.  Three years ago, on this date, I began a descent into one of my life’s valleys.  Two years of cleaving to misery left me with a very uphill battle to confront.       

     There are moments when the sun peaks in on my soul and allows warmth to spread throughout my body; yet, there are spells when the doors and windows shut tightly to the guiding light.  I am thankful those dark times are becoming rare.  Today Silence encases me and fills a void. 

     Life is a struggle for everyone: that is fact.  To wash away the pain would be an insult to those I grieve over.  It is in that ache that knowledge of depth and caring has risen in my heart.

Wicked

Time can heal by easing the severity of pain.  We never forget our grief; however, we do find ways to bare the emotional onslaught.  Optimism and pessimism are different sides of a coin; yet, we must remind ourselves that one can not exist without the other.    

Wicked

      Depression on a nearly constant basis causes envy towards the sufferer of bi-polar disorder.  When misery persistently swallows a person whole the extreme peaks and valleys become a luxury to be coveted.  None of it is healthy.  

Wicked

The ebb and flow patterns in life are indicative of a larger circle that we all must follow.  Waxing and waning experiences in nature remind us of this.  We can not logically dissect death and sorrow out of our lives and expect to fully appreciate the joys and happiness on the other side.

Wicked

My Dominant wants me to learn how to release the saddness I feel inside of me.  I don't know how to do that, yet; however, I am going to give it a good try.  I want to make him happy.  I feel more submissive each day.  I know that suprises me most of all.  Submission has never came easily to me.  It has always been a struggle.  I win the fight more often, now.  I realized that what makes me the happiest is when I make him happy. 

     I am truly grateful that he is using me more often.  My greatest desire has always been to be useful.  I feel miserable when I don't feel useful.  I am amazed when he allows and even matches my sadism.  I am very thankful that he is not a physical sadist towards me.  I have never been a physical masochist; however, no one has ever believed me. 

      I enjoy the sensation of pain on my skin; however, I do not receive pleasure from it.  I wonder if the release I received for sessions before was because I was getting attention not because I was getting pain.

Wicked

Speared by his thick cock

my first session now began

ending with a flood.

Wicked

 Our Handfasting Ceremony

December 20, 2010

(Calling upon the elementals )

 Be with us here, O beings of the Air

  With your clever fingers

  Tie closely the bonds between she and I.

  Be with us here, O beings of Fire

  Give our love and passion

  your own all-consuming ardor

  Be with us here, O beings of Water

  Give us the deepest of love

  and the richness of the body, of the soul and of the spirit.

  Be with us here, O beings of Earth

  Let your strength and constancy

  Be ours for so long as we desire to remain together.

(Calling upon the God and Goddess)

We call upon you, God, in the guise of Eros,
Kindler of desire,
Bringer of love,
to join us here and witness this union.

We call upon you, Goddess,  in the guise of Aphrodite,
Always desirous one,
Sensual lover,
to join us here and witness this union.

(The exchange of rings and vows)

Here before the elementals, the God and the Goddess; as we pledge ourselves to each other, I bind our lives together as one.   (Wrapping the arms together ) Sharing one path…one journey …for as long as we see fit.  And the rings given symbolizes this new journey together.

(Bride places ring on the finger of the Groom )

BRIDE: I, Wicked wed you, Guardian and pledge to build with you a place of love, nourishment and happiness within our hearts and within our home.

I pledge you love, honor and trust. Love, both soft and tender and love suffused with passion and playfulness; love which will honor your inner deity, endure hardship and nurture honesty, trust, respect and devotion.

I pledge to support and cherish your growth in the human adventure; to explore with you the wonders of life; to hold you in my love when you are ill or sad and to nurture your healing, growth, development and actualization.  As you evolve so shall I for we are as one and reflect one another.

I promise to create a home with you that shall be a haven for us both, a place of welcome for family, friends and lovers and a place of comfort in times of sorrow. 

I promise to love, honor, and obey you; to tend your needs and desires for one year and a day.

(Groom places ring on the Bride’s finger)

GROOM:  I, Guardian wed you, Wicke and pledge to build with you a place of love, nourishment and happiness within our hearts and within our home.

I pledge you love, honor and trust.  love, both soft and tender and love suffused with passion and playfulness; love which will honor your inner deity, endure hardship and nurture honesty, trust, respect and devotion.

I pledge to support and cherish your growth in the human adventure; to explore with you the wonders of life; to hold you in my love when you are ill or sad and to nurture your healing, growth, development and actualization.  As you evolve so shall I for we are as one and reflect one another.

I promise to create a home with you that shall be a haven for us both, a place of welcome for family, friends and lovers, and a place of comfort in times of sorrow. 

I promise to love, honor, protect and care for you; to protect you from harm and oversee your health and well-being for one year and a day.

(The Brides private vows)

(The Grooms private vows)

( Groom kisses the Bride)

In the presence of the Elementals, and by the Grace of  the God and Goddess, we are now wed for a year and a day.

(Departures of the God and Goddess)

I thank you, Goddess, for your presence and bid you farewell. 

I thank you, God, for your presence and bid you farewell.

(The Departures of the Elementals)

To the Elementals; I thank you for your presence and bid you farewell.

( Done)

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Wicked's Collaring Ceremony

December 20, 2010: Monday

Wicked kneels before Guardian, and with head and eyes downward, gives her pledge………

I, Wicked, come here of my own free will; to pledge myself to another.

Guardian, I surrender my body to thee, freely and completely, so that you may always use it as pleases you.

Guardian, I surrender my will to thee, freely and completely, so that I might always provide any service as it pleases you.

Guardian, I surrender my Soul to thee, freely and completely, so that you may always direct me in the way I should live my life as it pleases you.

Guardian, I surrender my life in service to thee, freely and completely,  so that I may always, without question or objection, serve you; my God, my Master, my Lord, my Daddy, as it pleases you.

Guardian, No Man, nor Woman, Nor Beast shall ever come before you in my life. My sole purpose in life is in service of my God, as you and only you sees fit.

Guardian, I make this pledge to you and vow to honor it for as long as I give breath.  On everything that I ever held dear to me, or will ever hold dear to me, this pledge I swear.

Guardian’s acceptance and collaring of Wicked………

I, Guardian, accept your lifelong pledge to me, Wicked.  As a symbol of your devotion and my ownership of you, I present you this necklace to you to be always worn proudly by you.  Never should it be removed, except for the cleaning or repairing of the necklace or replacement of the necklace by whatever I deem appropriate.

Wicked presents her neck to receive her collar.  She then kisses presents the fivefold kiss  in reverence and thanks her Master for accepting her.

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