ON POLYAMORY
first off, poly is not for everyone. i know this.
second, i do not profess to know a lot about or understand polyamory deeply. however, i know what i know if you know what i mean.
my situation is fairly simple- i'm married (have been for roughly 6 yrs now) and we have a daughter together who is approaching the ripe age of 2.
my husband, who i love (maybe not how i used to, but everything is a work in progress isn't it?) just isn't into the sorts of things i'm into. he's a homebody, i'm pretty social. he's fairly quiet and reserved, and while i can be a bit coy at times, i'm pretty rambunctious once you get to know me. but we have a lot in common too. we're both fairly intelligent people, we're both nerds (into sci-fi, real science, museums), we like the same music and movies and we both enjoy just random other stuff that couples often enjoy.
the twist enters when it comes to play- and i'm not just talking about sex. i'm talking about domination and submission, sadism and masochism. i'm a little of all that and then some. hubby isn't. it's not the end of the world that my husband doesn't want me to hurt him or doesn't want to hurt me. in fact, its rather nice to have a 'comfort zone'. i will not go into details but our sex life is as healthy, if not healthier, than your average 6 year old marriage.
play is very essential to who i am and its cathartic. it runs deep with me. i remember watching like magnum p.i. or some other 80s show involving handcuffs and the protagonist handcuffs a bad guy to a pipe or something and there is a toilet a few feet away. the hero then leaves the bad guy alone with no handcuff key. my little 7 or 8 year old brain starts thinking. . . what if the bad guy has to go pee? i ask my grandma this same question and she just kind of dismissed me with an 'i dunno' likely chalking it up to me just being an inquisitive kid. so i start pondering the bad guy's situation and it makes me sort of feel like i have to go pee.
later in life i came to realize this sensation is sort of how you feel prior to an orgasm. : ) after that i liked to see people tied up/restrained and tried to get my friends to play games involving bondage. i was into self-bondage and masturbation when i was like 14/15. had a rape fantasy the moment i started menstruating. i've always been dominant in my relationships with others and always been the responsible 'leader' type amongst my friends. i run my household and i'm the little center of light in my immediate family. and i would not have it any other way.
but i digress. . . the topic here is polyamory. i'm just giving you background on me. my needs for this sort of thing go way back and they run deep. i've been trying to get boyfriends to do all sorts of depraved things with me since i started becoming sexually active without them thinking i'm a total freakazoid. i think maybe all of us tried this to some degree, no?
at any rate, my husband knows and understands that this is who i am and its not going anywhere. it becomes fairly simple- either i play or i go. he told me he loves me so much he's willing to do what it takes to work through all this. so we've worked it out so that i tell him everything. i'm open and honest about what i do and who i do it with. and thankfully, he's come to realize its not all about sex. in fact, i play at LEAST 2 or 3 times a month and i haven't had intercourse outside of my marriage since maybe january. it does happen but its not the reason i go outside my marriage. (and i'll mention here that i'm pretty careful because, HELLO, i have a husband and the most adorable little kid to go back home to).
so all that being said when i meet potential play partners they know my situation up front. (people have all sorts of motivations for all sorts of things so i will not speculate about anything here.) i will say this though; most people into kink are some of the most 'normal', well-adjusted people i know. the rest are just as freaky as everyone else. ; ) so when people tell me, 'yeah, i'm ok with you being married', i take it at face value.
the vast majority of my more steady play partners have had issue with it. on the front end, yeah, its not a problem, blah blah blah. but then enter feelings. those bastards! we can't have those getting in the way now can we?
even if i was not married i would not be monogamous. tried it- doesn't work for me. if i ever got divorced there is an extremely high probability that IF i ever got married again it would be in a open marriage. i'm an opportunist- i have cheated on every single serious boyfriend i've ever had. it doesn't mean i didn't care about who i was with, it just means i saw an opportunity and i took it. so yeah, mister or madame, if we did run off into the sunset i would not be monogamous with you either! basically it would just be like having a new primary. maybe its the primary status they crave. . . ?
i dunno. i'm a lot of woman to handle (lol- just ask my husband) and i have a lot to offer. i'm capable of having feelings for more than one person. if i start liking (or god forbid, loving) someone it doesn't mean i'll abruptly stop loving my husband. that's just retarded. my status with him has not changed, just with my status with my play partner. the whole thing runs concurrently. make sense?
i know its a different kind of love but i can love more than one of my 3 cats at the same time. if i had another baby i wouldn't stop loving my first born. i love both my parents. why can't i love more than one non-related person? (also please note here there is a difference between 'love' and 'in love').
i think a lot of it just goes back to how traditional society expects us to be: grow up, go to school, get a job, get married, buy a house, squeeze out some kids and live dementedly happily ever after, right? formulas for human beings do not work. just like being straight doesn't work for everyone or having kids or whatever you're 'expected' to do. so, for most people throwing out what's been ingrained in you from the moment you come into this world is a terribly difficult thing to do. its counter-intuitive. but for me, its made me so much happier. . . until my play partners start freaking out- ok i'm being dramatic here- having issues with my marriage (or other play partners) because those damn feelings got involved. (um yeah, its my marriage, not theirs).
then, after having opened myself up (yet again) i get hurt.
no doubt some of its my fault but it makes me defensive. i start putting up walls again. and it makes me sad.
but its a learning process, i suppose and it makes me stronger so some good does come out of it all.
like i said, its a work in progress and i know its not how most other people live.
