Who knew six months ago perving at a photo on fetlife would affect the past three weeks?  (yes women perve photos and videos too)  It’s important though.  I didn’t let it out then so it comes out when it wants to whether it’s appropriate or not.

The woman is kneeling in front of him, facing the same way angled a little away from the

camera.  He stands behind her, left hand on her left shoulder.  His right hand is holding

her nose and mouth from behind to prevent her from making a sound.  Sunlight is behind

them through the window on their right side.  To the left side is a rumpled bed.  Then you

notice the look on her face.  It’s terror.  

A full on panic attack hits.  (Panic attacks were never an issue until this past year - possibly tied in to this)  Memories surface.  Motorcycle.  Rum and coke.  nude.  wetness.  being smothered.  I had a good cry and blew it off thinking oh well something happened and it’s over and everything is fine.

Fast forward to the past few weeks.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Actually I think I was.  Still could.  I mean, we are all crazy to a point but I digress.  Three things became intertwined whether one caused the other I don’t know and at this point don’t care.  

• Awareness of myself as a slave.  It’s what I was born to be.  Acceptance of it is a work in progress.

• Feeling rejected/discarded after giving of myself.  This escalated and compounded itself, causing me to lash out just like a child.  I also acted somewhat psychotic - I don’t need anyone agreeing with me on that one!

• Facing the fact that I was molested by a family friend when I was five.  For months.  The realization that the people I relied on to protect me were not there for me and the trust issues I have are because I learned at that age to not trust anyone.  If you can’t trust your parents to protect you who can you trust?  

The pain.  The anger.  It’s there.  I just can’t let it go.  It bubbles up at odd times.  I know I need to let it go.  Maybe it’s so far down there I can’t let it go.  I am realizing that it’s bigger than me.  Way bigger.  Enough that I will seek professional help to work through the pain, anger, and trust.  

I hate rum and coke.  I hate the smell of it.  I love to ride motorcycles but was deathly afraid of getting on one.  For many years I wouldn’t buy or wear lingerie.  No nice panties for me.  The explanation comes out in snippets…

We lived on Homestead Air Force Base.  I knew dad was in the Navy.  Mom didn’t work and weekends I spent at Grandma and Grandpa’s in Leisure City.  We were on base housing, a duplex with the carports in the middle and house on far left and far right.  We had the right hand one.  Kitchen, living room, two bedrooms with bathroom in the middle of them.  Mine was the front bedroom.  Rod was a single sailor, 19 or 20, who lived in the barracks.  He had a blue Harley.  Loud.  I used to ride behind him every chance I got.  Loved the wind in my hair.  Rod would come for dinner.  Then they would play cards drinking rum and coke.  Rod couldn’t drive his motorcycle on base after drinking so he would sleep in my bed.

I can remember asking mom why I would wake up wet sometimes but the bed wasn’t wet.  I remember waking up scared, realizing my panties were off of me and I would find them on the floor.  One of the worst times was waking up and feeling smothered.  Having someone laying on top of you will affect your breathing.

I had a drawer full of panties.  All silky, frilly, flowers and prints, stripes and pastels.  Many sets that had the day of the week on them.  When you have that many it’s not hard for them to disappear and not be missed.  Seems some got ripped off.  Some got used to clean up with and thrown away.  I learned how to clean both of us up and get rid of the evidence.  

There was blood.  I know there was blood almost every time at the beginning.  Over a span of several months my innocence was eradicated.  Nothing wasn’t done or tried.  I literally couldn’t get much of him in my mouth so he would let me lay there with just the head in my mouth.  

The panty drawer memory surfaced recently.  With it came some deep hatred.  Hatred for my parents for allowing this to happen.  THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME.  And there is where my little girl takes over.  She is every bit the five year old.  Smart and funny and doesn’t miss a beat.  She will tell you there is no such thing as love.  There are no safe places.  She will tell you that you can use her body and her mind will go somewhere else.  

I have tried forgiving.  Forgiving my parents.  Forgiving Rod.  It’s the only way I know that I can let it go. I want to break down in tears and they won’t come.  Yet over silly things I become a basket case.  I twist things around.  I am so emotionally volatile.  This is not the behavior of a grown woman who should have her shit together.  This is way way bigger than me.  I don’t want to be a brat or a bitch or insensitive or inconsiderate of other’s feelings.  I say this because I will continue to journal (no you don’t get to see the private working’s other than this).  I will write as my school schedule allows.  I will continue getting physically healthier with my workouts.  I will probably post pictures because that inner goddess does like to show off sometimes.

My hands are shaking so bad as I put my phone down.  Jake told me to go see Zack and pick out some outfits to try on.  He will meet me there for final approval.  He won’t say why I need a new outfit but said Zack is expecting me and has something in mind for me to try on. 

I arrive at The Noose at five minutes to four; Jake said Zack himself was going to attend my fitting.  I know Jake trusts Zack implicitly but seems the proprietor would have more to do than fit me with an outfit.  I text Jake to let him know I made it on time and he texts back immediately, “You are to listen to Zack and mind him as if it were me standing there dressing you.” My pussy clenches at the control Jake has over me.  I text my understanding back, take a deep breath, and enter the store.

The smell of leather washes over me as I step inside.  I see Zack back by the wall of riggings and wonder again what Jake has in mind.  Zack motions with his head to come to him so I weave through the displays of leather and latex.  I can’t help but fondle the belt display on my way to the back.  Sigh.

I get to Zack and he reaches for my bag saying “You won’t need any of that stuff so let me lock it in my office for safekeeping.  Phone too Jake knows where you are and nothing is as important as finding something to please Jake right?”  I nod as I shut my phone off and slide it into my bag.  Zack steers me in the back towards the private dressing rooms.  Movie sets should have dressing rooms this elaborate.  Mirrors everywhere including the ceiling so one can see themselves.

Zack comes in behind me and I hear the door lock as he secures it.  A shiver of apprehension runs down my spine as he says “Strip now” and I remember Jake’s words.  I remove my dress and hand it to him as he is holding his hand out for it.  He hangs it on the back of the door and turns back to me.  “Jake has trained you nicely.  No undergarments should ever block his access to those lovely nipples or bare pussy.  Slowly turn around I want to make sure what I have in mind will do for you.” 

I see a pile of leather strips on a bench but nothing else.  “It’s called a leather strapbody” he says.  It just looks like like a horse harness.  The leather is soft and supple and I place it in Zack’s hands.  He deftly shakes his hands and holds it out “Go ahead and step into it.  I will adjust the straps as needed so you can show Jake when he gets here.”  Zack gets it snug to my body then shows me the cups for my breasts are removable.  I feel so wanton with leather strips over me, my breasts exposed and supported by the straps under them.  Zack then hands me a blindfold and tells me to don it.  I feel myself starting to shake with fear and anticipation.  I feel body heat as Zack comes close to me, telling me to hold my arms out.  I feel him place something over my arms then realize he is placing a robe on me.  “Now you are ready to go see Jake.  I am taking you to him.  You are not to move that blindfold until he allows you to, understand?”  All I can do is nod as I am somewhat in shock.

Zack guides me by my elbow out to a vehicle.  He secures the seat belt and tells me to settle in as we have a bit of a ride.  I must have dozed off as I woke with a start and realize we have quit moving.  I can feel I am alone in the vehicle then I hear footsteps approaching the vehicle.  My door opens and Zack tells me to unfasten the seat belt and step out.  It’s a little cooler and smells faintly of a meadow that’s been sunbaked.  Zack asks if I need to use the restroom and need something to drink.  I assure him that indeed I do and I start to reach for the blindfold when he stops me, grabbing my wrist “I told you not until Jake allowed you to remove it.  There will be someone to attend you in the restroom do NOT attempt to remove the blindfold again or you will be restrained.”  I nod affirmation and am handed off to an attendant in what I suppose is the restroom.  The attendant says nothing but removes my robe and guides me to relieve myself.  The attendant cleans me with warm wet cloths then guides me out of the restroom.  I feel a different hand on my elbow, guiding me along.  I hear Zack telling me to step down a few stairs then I will be stepping up five stairs towards his voice. 

Zack takes my elbow and helps me a few more steps then stops.  I inhale deeply, smelling leather and wood and other things I can’t distinguish.  “You need to bend forward until I say stop.  Stop.  Now give me your hands.”  Then I hear Zack “Lock it down.”  I feel something around my neck and wrists and realize I am locked in a stockade!!  Now my leather strips don’t seem so lovely.  My breasts are hanging freely and my pussy and asshole are fully exposed.  Zack tells me to lift my right knee and I feel him place it in some sort of cushioned resting place.  He then tells me to left my left knee and I feel the same support under it.  Then he fastens a strap around my legs, fastening me down with my legs spread apart.

I jump as I feel a hand on my bare back.  It trails down to my left ass cheek then across to my right cheek and up to my back.  Then Zack asks if I’m ready for my punishment for attempting to remove the blindfold.  I can only nod, not sure what is going on but remembering Jake telling me to obey Zack as if it were him and knowing I have let my Master down.  The sting and shock of the hand smacking my bare ass causes me to cry out.  “Count them out m you have fifty coming.”  By the 30^th smack I am sobbing as Jake has never used his bare hand, only paddles and the hand resting in the spot where it landed causes the sting to go deep.

The last few slaps land across my pussy and to my astonishment it is soaked and the slaps actually feel good.  “You are such a slutty whore.  Your pussy is wet from spanking and you want relief don’t you?  Forget it.  You aren’t allowed to cum until Jake says you can.  I realize that at this point I have no idea where I am or where Jake is.  I jerk at the cool gel being spread over my flaming ass cheeks.  Then I feel a mouth on my nipples, sucking and biting one then the other.  My pussy clenches then I feel a hand there!  I feel my labia being spread apart and my clit is completely exposed.  The cool air hits it and it starts throbbing.

I then feel clamps being placed on my nipples and tightened down.  I then feel multiple hands on my pussy and something circling my asshole.  As my clit is played with I feel something enter my pussy and asshole at the same time.  Whatever it is fills me completely in both holes.  As I moan I hear Zack over my left shoulder “Open up there is something to gag your mouth” I open and realize there is a cock at my mouth, the head already covered in precum.  I can do nothing but take the face fucking that ensues.  The toys filling my other holes work in tandem with the cock in my mouth.  I can feel my orgasm building but hold it off as Jake is nowhere around to give me permission.  The cock in my mouth is getting close as the precum is free flowing at this point.

The man face fucking me stops with his cockhead in my throat.  I swallow around it as I do Jake when I am sucking him.  Then I hear Jake “Cum bitch cum for The Vault and all my friends that have gathered to view my slutty whore!”  That’s when I realize it’s Jake in my mouth!!!  I shudder and cum and squirt harder than I ever have before and Jake pumps his load down my throat.  I hold Jake in my mouth until he’s semi hard and he backs away.  He whispers in my ear as he removes my blindfold “Now they get to enjoy my slut while I watch.”

SILENCE


The silence is deafening
I hear my thoughts
I hear my heartbeat

I don't hear you
There is a void
Nothing

My heart trips
My stomach sinks
What have I done now

I hear you now
Close yet so far
A word
A touch
So simple
Yet so powerful