So after finally going to a beach in Florida I have a new quote:

"My love for you is like the Atlantic, warm and wet, but surprisingly shallow."

I guess this is my annual update.

Single again... and really not looking for anyone new (no doms, dommes, masters, cybersex players or fuck buddies).

UGH!

Perhaps I was wrong about my relationship... it seems that since about the time I posted last blog on CM, my (now ex-)bf had been considering ending our relationship.  It was really quite a shocker for me the evening two weeks ago when he finally told me.  So, now I'm on my own, coping with the end of my relationship and in the process of finding a new apartment to live in alone.  I keep thinking in my head that this (I mean the surprise of it not the end of the relationship) would never have happened with my Dom... He always told me what he wanted and needed and when he was unhappy with me.  Our relationship never lacked open communication.
It's very difficult for me right now, I feel like I've worked so hard and given up so much only to be completely and utterly wrong... for 7 years.  I know I'll come out the other side of this entire situation, and the mild depression I seem to be in.  And that I will then be free to pursue a relationship that is more attuned to my sexual and emotional needs.  But right now I hurt, and it really sucks.

Ever have a fantasy so persistent that it starts to effect your everyday life?
I honestly can't complain about my relationship, its incredibly good in a lot of ways and my boyfriend is kind and caring and attentive.
But of late I miss my Dom, I miss ihm and the way I felt around him.  I miss the sense of freedom that came with full and complete surrender.  I miss the security of his bondage and I miss especially the sensation of his floggers, paddles and other implements. 
The smallest things seem to be triggering my memories of him in incredibly intense ways... the faint sent of his favorite cologne on the breeze, the feel of leather brushing my skin, the way the muscles in my legs feel when wearing strappy stiletto heels. 
And the hardest part about it all is that he's gone, he died suddenly a few years ago and I still miss him terribly. 
Add to that, I've never met anyone else that made me feel the way he did. It's all so strange and sad...

So... I've had this profile on CM for nearly 3 years now... I find it rather strange that it has actually been that long.  In all that time I've had the honor of finding a small handful of good people whom  Iconsider friends... some keep me avidly waiting for their next journal post, I just have to wait to find out what they are up to.  Unfortunately in general the people who contact me here don't really have any interest in friendship or in fact even paying attention... my best conclusion is that they are so tightly wrapped in their own fantasy worlds that the rest of us may not even exist. Its really kind of sad.  In any case, I haven't been journaling on this site. I figured the strange misadventures of a girl in a long term "vanilla" relationship (okay maybe not truly vanilla but lacking a consistent bdsm bent) wouldn't be of interest here. But there are days when I just want to talk about the things I miss about bdsm and the twisted bits of my fantasy life that I can't seem to get away from, and I haven't any where else to express them. Should I even bother?

Okay... just because I'm confused, I have to ask... do people just not read profiles? I mean it's one thing to send random e-mails to strangers who say they are looking to meet new people or something. But I've deliberately kept my profile very simple and clear about the fact that I'm in a relationship and not looking to meet anyone new at the moment. Actually, I think that is pretty much ALL it says... but I still get e-mails, random very odd e-mails, and I just wonder what they are thinking!!!! Its one thing to write to if you have questions or are looking for advice or someone to talk to... but "Come kneel and tell sir about your journey..."??? Now please... why would I call you sir? And today I get "I'm interested in eating you out"???? Thats it... no hello, no liked your profile... just straight to the point... give me a break! And this person is from another state no less! Normally I go out of my way to be polite to people and respond to e-mails and such... but sometimes I wonder whether its even worth it to make the effort to say... NO!!! can't you read????