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VelvetRope76

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"Pain is resistance leaving the heart." --Me

I'm a Dom/switch and sadomasochist who has been playing in real life for just over a decade. I have diverse intrests in all things, and BDSM is no exception.

These days I'm doing a lot of examination of myself in light of my experiences, reading, learning, changing a lot of my assumptions. At this point in my life any kind of committed relationship would be a mistake. It isn't that I'm afraid of commitment, but I know that as I'm evolving--and right now extremely rapidly!--any committed relationship I might become involved is basically doomed. I'm also finding parts of myself that I've turned away from but which haven't left me.

"Do you Believe in the Devil? ... You should, he believes in you." --Constantine

A big part of this is that I'm realizing part of my issue when it comes to expressing my sadistic side is that I've never fully expressed my masochistic side. I've bottomed a bit but I've never gone as far as a bottom as my needs push me to. For me those two sides are closely wired together and as a result it is inhibiting my ability to go as far as I need to go as a top.

I'm naturally Taoist so a fundamental aspect of my life is seeking to resolve resistance. Without resistance there can be no suffering (if you aren't into Zen or Taoism just nod and smile at this point) and part of me really needs to suffer. A huge part of why I turned my back on my masochistic side is that without resistance it would take an unrealistic level of play to give me that suffering. At least with a woman. But most men make me feel quite competitive, so bottoming to a man would be a lot more challenging, but at the same time, more satisfying to my masochistic side. At the same time I'm realizing that my resistance in this area is something I need to deal with, because it is creating unhealthy tension for me in non-sexual relationships with men as well.

"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." --The Sereneity Prayer, popularized by Reinhold Niebuhr

I have come to understand that I've been sabotaging myself with the goal of finding a perfect partner with whom I can share all of the most significant activities of my life. Which doesn't on the face of it seem like it should be unrealistic, except that the scope of my life is so incredibly diverse that short of finding a female clone of myself that is probably not going to happen! I came a close as I could probably hope to ever come in my ex-wife, but even then we had enough differences to tear the relationship apart over time. As such I have come to fully accept polyamory with the goal of sharing of myself what is mutually beneficial with each person in my life.

Finally, I have HPV and it is important to me not to pass it on, so I don't want a sexual relationship, but for me BDSM is as much spiritual as it is sexual. I'll have insurance soon and am going to get the strain tested, it might be one that the vaccine works against. (crosses fingers...)

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2/16/2009 11:05:32 PM

To make my intrest list easier to read I've grouped things by topic as well as by intensity of intrest as follows

Lives for = things I'm absolutely not willing to compromise. I've compromised them in previous relationships and regretted it, so I'm not making those mistakes again.

Loves = kinks I enjoy. Since this is a kinky website I'm listing kinks as loves and other stuff as likes, but really the two could be switched. I like this but if I'm getting my Lives for stuff satisfied, I'm going to be happy and satisfied in my relationship.

Likes = non-sexual/kinky lifestyle stuff I care about. Again some of this stuff deserves to be in the loves category, but since I'm grouping it as much by topic as intensity of desire it is all getting put in likes.

Tolerates = non-kinky stuff I don't like but can stand.

curious about = kinky stuff I'm interested in but which is edgy enough a lot of people aren't into it.

Hates & hard limits = stuff I hate and/or just flat out won't tollerate in my life.


7/10/2008 9:42:48 PM

The person I'm looking for
You are an intelligent woman who seeks someone to provide leadership and direction. You may also be out of shape or even severely overweight, as long as you have a genuine desire to change that situation. Toward that end, you are seeking a Master/slave or total power exchange lifestyle. Within this lifestyle:

You will be committed to me as my life partner as I am committed to you as your life partner.

You will be committed to sexual and lifestyle submission to me, and in return I will provide you leadership, discipline, and support.

You will be committed to personal growth and development.

You will be committed to learning to fulfill the role of becoming the senior instructor in my martial arts style. I know it may seem hard to imagine yourself able to fulfill this role now, and you may not be able to see the way. But that is not your job. Your job is only to provide the commitment. If you can provide the commitment, I will provide the way.

You will be committed to fulfill the role of my partner in the business and system I will build.

I am asking a lot, but I offer as much as I ask. Not only to be my slave but to be an integral and inseparable part of my life. However it is vitally important that you consider that this path may require enormous change for you, and decide whether this is indeed the correct path for you in life.


7/4/2008 10:12:01 AM
Sexy Clothes vs. Lingere

I saw an ad on MySpace for dresses by American Apperal (funny, I don't see a lot of Americans dress like that, though more should! lol). The pics on the ad were hot so I clicked on it. Most of their styles could probably be best described as scandalous. I love them. But what is more important is they got me thinking about my clothing turn ons. I've noticed that while lingere is attractive, it really doesn't turn me on that much. But as I think about it more, really sexy/slutty clothes turn me on a lot more.

I think what it comes down to for me is that lingere is just a more decorated form of nude. It doesn't make my imagination work the way that sexy clothes do. And if we are spending time together while you are dressed super sexy/slutty, it turns that time into foreplay as my mind starts thinking where I want to go once we get into the bedroom. Hopefully if you are feeling sexy and slutty it will be turning you on too knowing that you are sexually available and that whatever else I may be doing I'm thinking about your body and all of the things I will soon be doing with you. I'm also more likely to decide not to wait til we get to the bedroom. :D
 
If you wear a short skirt or dress, it makes me think of holding you down and pushing the skirt up and having my way with you. Whale tail leads my mind down into your pants. Cleavage leads my mind into your shirt, as do bra straps that show, or braless nipples that poke through. I love seeing a bit of your bare midriff, and I absolutely don't mind if it has a bit of pooch. Actually, I think that's terribly sexy. Also translucent tight clothes with a contrasting color underwear really draws my eye and mind to whatever area of the body you are showing off that way. In short I love slutty! :D

My especially strong sexual reaction to skirts makes me suspect something else. Because play rape scenes are such a turn on for me, I think that lingere takes the play rape element out of foreplay. It is obvious where you are wanting to go, so I can't fantasize about forcing you as much. If you are wearing a skirt though there is still a force fantasy element. The weakness in this line of reasoning is that I find it especially a turn on if you are wearing a sexy skirt and I know you aren't wearing panties underneath. So it may not be the implication of consent so much as just the connection with pushing up a skirt or dress that is the huge turn on for me.

One other thing about dresses, is that I love pulling a girl's dress almost all of the way off and using it to wrap up her arms as a form of partial bondage. If the dress is a style that can't be pulled over the head easily this is very much enhanced and that knowledge gets my mind working. Also dresses or shirts which are tight but long sleeved are closely connected in my mind to duct tape fantasies, since they protect the arms from the adhesive. Just a though. ;D

Another item of clothing I love is over the knee socks paired with a very short sexy skirt. I love the flash of bare thigh between the two that draws my eye and draws my mind up underneath the skirt. My favorite form of conventional stockings by far is the type with a line up the back. It is so hot. I can sit and stare at the cover of The Secretary all day long. LOL.

As to shoes, I'm not that into pumps in general. I've seen a few that are cool but when it comes to high heels, I usually prefer some form of boot. Spikes are cool here, but I really like big clunky heels better, especially if the boot has a bit of a combat boot style to it. I think I like the juxtaposition of sexified (no, that probably isn't really a word) combat boots with sexy slutty subby clothing. Taller boots are very cool too, but I know a lot of women have calves which are too buff to wear them. I'm not into boots that come up above the knee though because they just ruin the subby effect for me no matter what kind of clothes they are combined with.

6/15/2008 4:32:21 PM
Relationship Balance

I view a relationship as being like the symbol of yin and yang. Half is a big white yang (=masculine, forceful, etc.) area with a little black yin (=feminine, yielding, etc. ) dot and the other half is an equally big black yin area with a little white yang dot. Not a huge yang area without any yin dot, and a tiny yin area without a yang dot, which is the paradigm some people seem to use when viewing M/s.

Backing up a step, the dot in each part represents the fact that all things that are yang contain some yin, and all things that are yin contain some yang. No matter how tiny the dots are, no matter how strongly polarized the halves are into yin and yang parts, they are still equal. The yin side's power in yielding is just as great as the yang sides power in driving, a basic truth demonstrated in a variety of soft style martial arts. Similarly no matter how polarized a relationship, whether it is two switches, top and bottom, dom and sub, master and slave, the same principle applies. For the relationship to be balanced, the two individuals should still be personal equals regardless of whether their roles are yang (dominant) or yin (submissive).
 
My feelings about how polarized a relationship I am looking for depend on the context. In scene I'm looking for a very polarized, Master/slave relationship. See my earlier posts for more details. Outside of scene I consider my role to be more executive. I have deeply laid plans that I have been preparing for over many years, and which will be unfolding over several more years. I am looking for a partner who will join me in this process.

I'm a big picture, long range planner type person. While I don't mind getting my hands dirty, I know that I sometimes miss details. As such I need a partner who is more skillful than myself at making sure i's are dotted and t's are crossed. Naturally it doesn't do any good if my partner is catching mistakes unless I listen to their advice! Although I sometimes am slow to change my mind, I never reject rational objections to my plans out of hand. My ego is never part of my decision making process, so it doesn't need to be coddled.

6/15/2008 3:17:15 PM
Fine Points on Humiliation--a Limit Issue

An extremely important distinction for me is when it comes to different sorts of humiliation. The thing is overall I really enjoy humiliation play because it drives straight at the ego. Yet many forms of humiliation cause my stomach to clench even thinking about using them.

The key distinction seems to be whether the basis of the humilation is something that exists purely within the context of the scene, as opposed to something that is at a basic level an inherent part of that person--whether the humiliating behavior is occurring in the context of a scene or not. That is, making you eat out of a dog dish is fun, and calling you a "slut" or a "whore" while you are servicing me is fun, because these are things that don't exist outside of scene. Making fun of something you did out of scene wouldn't be fun. Calling you "ugly" or "stupid", or saying you are "fat" or making fun of the size or shape of part of your body isn't fun because it is criticizing who you are, not what you are doing in the scene. 

Giving you a task in scene and then making fun of it would be fun if the task was unfair in some manner. Then the failure is because of the scene not your abilities. For example if your hands were tied, or if insufficient time was given, or if the standards of success were clearly unreasonable or even outright fraudulent (like if something is clean and I say it is dirty and punish you for it and ridicule your cleaning ability). If a task was given which was fair, criticizing your performance would be criticizing your actual ability which exists out of scene and thus wouldn't be okay.

My feeling is that If I'm making fun of something that is an integral part of you when your defenses are weakest, it seems likely to have a lasting impact on your self image and thus your self esteem. I am willing to consider the possibility that I might be wrong here, and can see a potential argument that confronting such ideas in a safe and trusting environment could be a healing experience. But it would definitely require considerable negotiation beforehand to convince me that this was the case, and I would need to check back in with you about it after the scene to see how I felt about the aftermath.

There are some activities that are on the edge of this limit for me. For example, the "bag over the head" thing mentioned in a previous entry is very edgy to me. Actually verbally accentuating that feeling in any way makes my gut very nervous. I can get away with it if there is no judgement or conclusion implied. If it is a simple statement "fuck you with a bag over your head," it is edgy but doesn't actually make me feel sick, anything more negative than that would make me feel physically ill.

This isn't a matter of conscious thought and decision for me. It is not a rule, what I express here is a rational understanding of the patterns of feeling I experience. It is a powerful gut-level response that I've always had about these types of things. I associate such feelings with my intuition telling me that such things aren't right, and I trust that intuition.

6/15/2008 1:32:33 PM

Relationship Goals and Needs

I've been thinking deeply about exactly what kind of relationship I'm looking for and the person who could join me in such a relationship. My relationship goals and needs are rather complex and for clarity I'll present them in layers with each building upon the conclusions of the previous layer.

First of all, your current level of fitness isn't a big deal. I don't support obesity as a lifestyle, but I don't judge people's worth as human beings based on the shape of their body either. I've been lean but I've been fat too. I've lost 50 pounds in the first 6 months of 2008. I am a certified personal trainer and am very familiar with nutrition as well both through study and my own personal experience, so if you submit to my guidance that is an area I'm very well equipped to help you with.

I am very intellectual. A large part of my urge to dominate expresses itself at a desire to teach. As such I will push you to grow in any area where you fall short of my standards. I'm reasonable in my expectations however. My goal setting is process oriented, not outcome oriented. We cannot necessarily control outcomes but we can control the processes we follow. The combined effect of all of the processes we follow is our lifestyle. If we follow a healthy, fitness oriented lifestyle we will become fit and healthy over time. If we follow an intellectual lifestyle we will become more intellectual over time. I'm very skilled in developing goals to support lifetyle change and growth.

It is who you are and whether we can together form a balanced relationship that is my first question. Also of vital importance is your path in life and whether or not it is authentic and healthy for you to submit to my power as a part of my path.

I am seeking one who I can train in my martial art so that you can use that training as part of our relationship to grow and become a stronger person. And so you can eventually express your growing personal strength constructively by leading others to find their own strength. Even if you cannot imagine at this moment playing such a role, if you have the desire you can do it. I am far stronger than I ever was before I began training in martial arts, and even stronger than I could imagine myself being. Yet the strength of connection and quality of instruction I got from my teachers was nowhere near what I can provide in the context of such a relationship.

Over time as my implementation of my goals develops, I would want you to play a larger part in those things. As such, it is important to me that you also understand the broader direction of my life so that you can consider whether becoming part of my life is something that would be authentic and beneficial to you.
My ultimate goal is to start a chain of martial arts schools in the Seattle area beginning within the next 10 years. There are a lot of things that I need to finish doing before that happens, but I would find nothing more wonderful than finding someone who could be a partner with me in that. I strongly believe that it is important that a martial arts school have a man and a woman as their senior instructors to provide balanced energy within the school and role models that all students can identify with regardless of their gender. Too often martial arts schools are founded by men and become become institutions of, by, and for men. While such have a useful purpose, that is not the path that I wish to follow.


6/14/2008 6:25:14 PM

Play Wants and Needs

After digesting the lessons of the last 5 years I've come to some interesting understandings. Among these is to realize that there are three very different kinds of scene for me--sexual, spritual, and punishment.

Sexual scenes include force fantasy rape play, sexually available bondage, or other play intended as basically an elaborate and stimulating form of sex with the ultimate goal being sexual gratification. I especially like the idea of wrestling you to the ground and binding you even as you struggle to resist, then having my sadistic way with you. :) In my mind this is what makes a relationship run. Punishments are as needed, and if not needed then so much the better!

Punishment is pretty self explanatory. Although I see myself as more executive than dominant outside the bedroom, nevertheless if a decision is made I expect that decision to be followed, whether I made the decision on my own initiative, or whether we collaborated in making that decision. And as such, if the decision is not followed there need to be consequences. Actual punshment (as opposed to play punishment as part of a sexually oriented scene) is meant to correct bad behavior and as such should have as little sexual content as possible to reduce the likelihood of it actually serving as a positive reinforcement. This is always a risk of punishment in all contexts even when masochists aren't involved. 

Spiritual scenes are also not sexual for me. Before I understood this difference, many times I'd start with some kind of sexual scene and then unconsciously transition into a spiritual scene and my whole sex drive just evaporated. Instead of sex, for me a spiritual scene is about bringing two individual human beings closer by breaking down the emotional walls we have built around us. It is also about refining the spirit by controlling the ego. For my sub, this will mean the goal of learning to submit to my control without shame or pride, without fear or anticipation. For my part, it is about learning to receive your submission without pride or shame, without anticipation or fear. In short, it is about our learning to be together in a zen-like state of perfect clarity. It is about pure love instead of clinging attachment.

While emotions like pride seem positive, they can trap us just as easily as fear. How often do we limit our options in the sake of pride? On the other hand there is the impulse to fear our own power because society has conditioned us to believe it is wrong. And obsessive love feels amazing when it is working, but it is so dysfunctional. I hadn't realized how bound by it I was until I reached the point that I understood that my relationship really couldn't be saved. In letting it go I had an epiphany. It is funny, but my relationship with my wife is far healthier as friends who care deeply for each other even though we are divorcing than it ever was as lovers.

Above all else I am a teacher and a mentor. My natural role is to support, challenge and guide those close to me to become stronger, healthier, happier human beings. I have no interest in applying my form of domination with those for whom such submission is not an authentic path to growth—indeed I cannot do so. My intuitive sense of your needs will not allow it. For some this is the correct path, for others it is not. I have always admired the long time subs and slaves I have met in the BDSM community who glow with an inner light because through submission they have mastered themselves. I see such self mastery as the ultimate goal of spiritual dominance and submission.

I enjoy impact play such as spanking and flogging. I have a moderately developed collection of such implements. The area I live has numerous trees that could provide material for switches or birch bundles. I love basically all forms of bondage from shibari to leather cuffs, to handcuffs, though some of these have different connotations for me in terms of sexual vs. spiritual play. For example handcuffing your wrists and pinning them down over your head with one hand while controlling your hair with the other during intercourse is especially a turn on for me. I also like a form of bondage during play rape where you would wear a dress that I can pull up over your head to restrain your arms. In a similar vein, I have a green army laundry bag (made from a mostly opaque fabric that passes air readily) with a drawstring opening that is great to pull over your head and arms and tie closed leaving the rest of your body vulnerable and exposed. It provides great restraint and sensory deprivation aspects, and I have been told it adds a subtle but powerful element of humiliation play because of the connotation of “fucking you with a bag over your head,” as one partner put it. On the other hand, I love shibari-style bondage and have a natural talent for rope work. But to me, shibari seems to be a very spiritual form of play and is not one I associate with sexual impulses. I do enjoy combining shibari with other sensations such as ice, wax and clothespins, or with sensory deprivation techniques such as blindfolds or earphones to increase its impact.

Tickling is one of the most intense forms of sensation play possible and for that reason I greatly enjoy it. It is something I can enjoy on either a sexual or a spiritual level. Tickling can be a great adjunct to wrestling for dominance as part of force fantasy play. Here it can be be playfully employed to stimulate you. Or it can be used sadistically when you are starting to submit to my physical control to get you to put of a fight so I can crush it before ravishing you. On the other hand, because tickling is such a powerful driver of urgent resistance (it is thought to be an evolved response to resist the attack of parasites before they can burrow into the body) and because learning to willfully overcome our resistance to the universe so we can flow with and influence it is such an important part of spiritual development, tickling is also a powerful tool for spiritual s&m play. Finding someone who genuinely appreciates being tickled into complete submission would be a wonderfully satisfying experience for me.

Tickling is such a strong desire of mine in part because the first d/s experience I ever had (after fantasizing about such things practically my entire life) was being gang tickled by my first girlfriend and several other friends until I couldn't even whimper anymore. Then I lay there floating in warm fuzz thinking, “wow, so this is this what subspace is like...”

As I grew older though my will grew stronger. I've become accustomed to being in control, even fighting my martial arts teacher to a draw. Cut for me, broken tooth for him, I call it a good trade. I thought we were sparring, while he thought we were finding out if I was still his student. We both found out I wasn't. It was the moment that it crystalized for me that I had left being subordinate behind forever.

I have a great fondness for locking bondage. I believe this is because receiving submission to a lock before a scene has even begun as a willful act is distinctly different than the submission that comes during a scene when subspace and endorphins come into play. While I enjoy receiving the latter, the former is more deeply significant to me. Similarly I have a fondness for collars that lock, and also for collars that are discrete in appearance and can be worn on a daily basis (such as a necklace that incorporates a hidden lock, unless one's personal style would be consistent with something less subtle) because I do not feel it is appropriate to non-consensually make the public participate in my lifestyle.

Also, I want it to be clear that I understand that such things require a great deal of trust (if they were easy they wouldn't be significant!) and do not expect the wearing of locks or a collar to be entered into casually either in scene or out of scene.


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sexyjuan002
 
 Age: 29
 MOUNT LAUREL, New York