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VanilaSpouseTrap

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As my name conveys, i am in a marriage that lacks the D/s component that i desperately seek. i am not looking for offers. i am a pet/sub and a slave for the right Dom/Master. i am at the crossroads of my life, and i am seeking advice, support and friendship of those who are living through/ who have been in a similar predicament. i know many of You are in the same situation. Some of You continue to stay for kids or other reasons best known to You. Some have chosen to separate and move on. i feel it is not entirely our fault for being "special" and neither is it theirs for not being able to grasp the depth of this lifestyle. As i have always believed, we can't turn ON a switch in them that we just can't turn OFF in ourselves. i have spoken to my hub about what i am, and what i need from him and all i get back is resistance and judgement. So to make it easier for him to accept this, we are soon to consult a sex therapist. Please share Your thoughts and experiences. They will help me make my decision. I am adding comments from my emails as journal entries so you can all see excerpts of the conversations I am having, mostly with male Doms out here. Are there female Doms and subs out here who are in relationship with vanilla folk? Have a great holiday season!! :)

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12/22/2015 3:20:16 PM
                            ADVICE ON HOW TO INDUCE D/s INTO MY SITUATION

Dear all,

i am grateful for all the advice/ suggestions/ thought and naughty invitations (boys will be boys):P i am receiving. The support regarding my predicament and how i am dealing with it is tremendous. Several of You are in the same boat and i appreciate all the advice and warnings.

i received a very nice message that made sense to me..that i thought may help some of you. I am happy to hear any thoughts you all have about how i can induce D/s into this situation.

The message was:

"..... If you are looking to introduce him to d/s that's hard; mostly because it seems to have to be something inside him. Worse, it has to come from a place of strength, confidence and power all of which I would think would be lacking in your relationship given the strong reactions to infidelity?

If he has the "stark" that internal DNA in him, like a Dom quality it's more about letting it out, then learning how to express it.

I might suggest you offer yourself, to do anything he wants for a period of time. Maybe he has you clean, maybe he has sit in a cage or closet. Maybe he gets blow job after blow job while he looks at porn. Maybe he takes your ass while you hate it (ideally). Explain to him all you want to do is serve him. He needs to see d/s as you serving him and be free to explore that without having a gun to his head whereas he sees all this as "be a Dom or I will leave you/cheat on you."

The second thing this will do is allow him to develop his own internal kinks. Sure he can "role play" being a Dom to get a sense of what it's like, but he also needs to develop his own inner perversions. You need to express that you are open and willing to any and all of them. Once he see your submission as unconditional, he will feel safe(er) to explore all this. In this way your not topping from the bottom, you are just being a bottom; and waiting for him in your place.

There are two issues really 1) him being back in control of the relationship after infidelity and 2) developing himself as a Dom. The good news is both problems have the same solution: your unconditional submission. "

i guess i never realized that the answer to hub developing into a Dom lay in my submission. Yes, its hard to submit to someone who is not a Dom, but is it impossible to tickle a dominant emotion in my husband (who is fairly a baseline dominant person) through my submission?

i think i have a resolution for this New Year :) BECOME A SUBMISSIVE TO HUSBAND.. I think i can manage that. :D ..hmm.. now for the mildly awkward conversation. But i am ready to do this.

What do You think?


12/20/2015 9:09:52 PM
                                        THERAPY Session #1

Therapy was interesting. I found a male, BDSM aware therapist who is spoke to before, to meet with us. He was warm and seemed genuine.. like an old friend.

Hub was receptive and very much involved in the whole process. He dint shut down at any point.

I started the conversation, explained to him that i discovered that i was a sub.....told hub... he ignored.... i tried several times to talk to him... but he thought i was diseased... and then i cheated and things just go worse...but i am remorseful and want to make this work... well this is roughly what i said in between the sobbing and tears. :(

i felt like i was talking to someone from this site. It dint feel weird..the therapist did a great job navigating us. He laid out or help us lay out clearly what we were struggling with.

He said for whatever reason, we have a real problem and a complicated one at that, with layers of Lack of Ds, infidelity and my anorgasmia that are three separate issues that have areas of overlap but all need to be sorted out and dealt with separately.

i felt validated, because finally after a long time hub had seen that it was a real issue. 

He said that dealing with infidelity was a very hard process. He said that if the urge to have sex ever does return, that very frequently the desire for oral sex, dies. The fact that we are both even talking and having sex after this episode was a very positive sign. That usually after that people just walk away or give up, but we have not and that he could clearly see we are a couple in love and care tremendously about preserving our relationship. :)

But per therapist I am going to have to guide hub and ask for or write and present in a letter without verbalizing and feeling like i am topping from the bottom, what I want and feel I need and basically communicate what I need. He said in time hub may adopt those as his own mannerism and second nature and new, acquired behavior... And slowly it will not seem like some forced role play. This is all of us being OPTIMISTIC.

I am planning to write up and present in a letter what I wish hub would do. YES..it smells and feels like topping from the bottom but I have to communicate because per therapist reading online or on blogs stereotypes the process and having him talk to other Doms (which I suggested) will leave a sense of inferiority in hub. So now i must write, hmm.. my wants and needs and they are up to hub to do as he wishes.. adopt them or reject them.


Therapist told me that he thinks I am leaning towards depression. And i need to watch out for the symptoms.

Then he said to me and hubby this is going to be a long journey but he believes we are both capable and clearly committed to making it work. I know i am.

It's just the way it is. I am but sure what lies ahead.

I think we will go back at least till we feel we are able to get there without help. Step by step I guess. At least the elephant in the room has been acknowledged. 

At least we are not fighting each other now..at least we are working towards a common goal.

12/13/2015 1:00:47 PM
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?<. MY DECISION..for now.


i am adamant on making it work with him because if it won't work with him it won't work with anyone. i can't leave him hoping that i will find the perfect Dom and husband in the future because guess what? He maybe the Dom of my dreams but he may also be someone who will not compliment me in the vanilla world and then am i going to leave him too??
i chose this man for better or for worse.?

Well, i am going to try talking to him at the 1st therapy session this weekend, to open up talks about finding a solution, meeting in the middle options and everything i can do to make this move forward.
But we have a long way to go... either to discover that:
1. he can be what i need, or
2. he can let me get from other sources what i need or
3. he is willing to live without me.

Only after we have had this discussion, will i decide to stay or leave.
For now..fingers crossed.

Thank You all for Your valuable input.?
If anyone has any ideas about questions i must ask and topics i must acknowledge this coming weekend at the therapist, please do email me.
i was lost when i created this profile.. i thank You all for giving me a direction even if it is or is not the one You recommended for me. Stay tuned.

12/13/2015 11:57:44 AM
Hi everyone, i hope all of You are having a good holiday season. 
i am looking forward to therapy this weekend. The therapist appears BDSM aware. so that is a good start. :) 
Keeping low expectations, but definitely hoping for a direction to move in after the meeting.

i received an email from a mistress. She spoke of her friends experiences:

" I cannot say I've been in your situation, because I have never been married.  I do, though, have a number of friends who have worked through issues very similar to yours.

One submissive female I know has a very vanilla husband.  She adores service and provides quite well for her husband.  She is the consumate domestic; keeping the house spotless, making sure meals are on time, laundry, seeing to his every need; all without him realizing her service desires.  However, she also wanted more of physical relationship.  His hobbies were fast cars and his airplane.  She wanted floggers, canes, rope, nipple clamps, gags, exhibitionism.  He thought she was perverted and did his best to ignore those needs.  She debated leaving, but really loved him.  She debated cheating, but knew he would find out.  In the end, they discussed things, even had counseling.  The result was an open marriage.  It took them quite a while to set the ground rules.  He really wasn't interested in other women; his hobbies were his extra high in life.  He also didn't want to know about the other men she may engage with.  He learned to overlook the bruises and welts.  He didn't ask.  She continues to make his life as pleasant as possible.  She doesn't talk about her submissive encounters.  They are happier together now than they have been in years.

Another couple, in a slightly different situation, opted for a poly relationship.  They found a secondary who could provide "extras" that both of them needed.  They found a domme who provided a second sexual partner for him and sadistic partner for her.  They tend to spend a lot of time together, but also spend time as separate couples.  It works for all three of them. 

I guess what I am saying; there aren't just two options here.  It is a sliding scale with many variations.  You have explained your needs and he has expressed his opinion.  Now you have to find a way to fulfill both sides of the coin.  Let your husband do his thing and he needs to let you do yours.  It will take work; it won't be easy.  Communication is key.

Well, I have found that so many on this site will only say things that works in their benefit.  "Gee, you took my advice and left the ass...Now you can come see me!!"  And the majority of them are either fakes or have no idea what it takes to meet the needs of a submissive."


I agree. NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT. I HAVE MY IMPERFECT RELATIONSHIP AND I WILL WORK ON IT.



12/8/2015 5:47:48 PM
i have received emails from some who are in a similar predicament, or maybe in a situation i honestly think is more complicated than mine.

The email said:

"A little background so you understand where I am coming from as I write to you. I was married to a submissive for 13 years and with her for 16 - due to medical issues she developed we fell into much more of a vanilla dynamic with a slight D/s edge but not enough for me. She wanted to do more but physically could not - so I needed an outlet because like you that innate part of me NEEDED to be satisfied. I tried the online cyber thing and it was not very rewarding but at the same time I loved my wife/sub and didn't want to get too emotionally involved with someone else and it was actually my wife's idea to find married woman. I understand what you are going through but I also will have to tell you that if it is so innate in you and so strong that you are here - you will have to find an outlet. Just be careful so you don't jeopardize what you have for what you want - they can both exist - just takes hard work. 

In another conversation I had, a long time boyfriend whose girl had cancer and has recovered since, was also sharing his predicament.  He chose to stay because of everything they had been through.

These situations have given me a lot to think about. i cannot think i am in the worst situation when clearly we have our health even if our relationship is shaky. Others have had so much more to deal with.. and they chose to stay.. for love. For the trust and loyalty they promised towards each other.

Yes, it is them living their life half full/half empty. They seemed frustrated..but i bet at times they wish they hadn't stayed..?

But how does someone look into the eyes of someone they love and say

"Hey, i need to leave.. i feel empty, hollow and dead on the inside. i can't love You when i am not myself anymore." ugh..
can they.?.. can we ?... can i..?


12/5/2015 11:34:34 AM
What kind of BDSM lifestyle is it that you feel you cant live without?


i have been asked this question is several forms and i feel i can only partially answer this question. i am going to answer this honestly and i am not expecting judgement about the conditions in which i learned about my needs and only i know how large the void inside me got and how consuming it was and how i craved the hand of a Master.

i work a high stress /Dom like job and i need to relinquish all that control to someone i trust.
i only figured out and let the sub inside me emerge 4-5 years ago.. nearly 7-8 years into our marriage and relationship. 

i started out as a sub/pet and then enjoyed the role of a slave. Everything in the beginning was online. Being owned, being His to use and abuse, being available for His to be consumed and devoured are what i crave. 

When i explored with a Dom (cheated) i was able to explore being a bedroom slave. i have learned that i enjoy being owned, controlled and possessed. i am yet to confirm my suspicions that i need all of this in my daily life and not only as a bedroom phenomenon.

This is not a plea for more propositions, but i wonder if D/s in daily life will be watered down by the issues of daily life. ??

As one Dom said "Yes, my approach is to have something on the side, discreet. She does not know. I've done it before. For me, the thrill of D/s doesn't last in LTR. Daily life bleeds into it and waters it down. My wife is generally a more submissive person and I'm more controlling. That's the natural order in our relationship. But I do crave the taboo, the wrong, the true slutty behavior in a so bad it's good setting...."

I wonder if what he is saying is true for most.. i do know of others who married subs, but are again craving a new sub or just a new, fresh relationship with a D/s aspect.

I wonder how much of our search for "something on the side" stems more from our need to invigorate our spirit and find something exciting and new versus just needing someone into D/s to fill the void.

i would honestly say i may want this for both reasons i stated above.. Hmm. 

12/5/2015 10:49:04 AM
The past week was busy like any other work week. i hope everyone is doing well :)

i have received more emails and many more propositions.. :P. i appreciate everyone's time and advice. 

i responded to some writers in more details the activities in my life that led to me finding myself at these crossroads and i thought i would share them with everyone.

Despite everything.. I love be my husband dearly just like most of us do our spouses.

I cheated on him after years of asking for him to participate in this lifestyle and fortunately/ unfortunately i got caught. But He forgave me. But my need for this is out now like an elephant in the room. Yet, even if our relationship is strained now I know he loves me.
I have been with him our whole adult life. It's easy to say divorce but marriage is for better or for worse, I will try EVERYTHING before I give up. 

Several issues currently exist. 1. Earning back his trust  2. Helping him understand that i am not some mentally depraved person to want this. 3. To determine if he is willing to participate and explore. 4. Discuss "other" options.

Soon we are meeting a sex therapist.. So my hub can wrap his head around what I have been saying.. And that I am not the only one on this earth who is suffering this predicament.

Many of you have said that the therapy is futile and the whole attempt is worthless, in my heart of hearts i am not expecting that this will change anything, but i am expecting a conversation about this. i spoke to the therapist initially to gauge his knowledge of BDSM practices. Surprisingly he was impressive with his experience and i hope that we will at least start verbally communicating our thoughts about this issue.

Step by step.

i can't give up. i cannot become weak. i cannot be sucked into the void. i can't give up.

Thank You all. 





11/29/2015 6:45:20 PM
A BDSM veteran shared:


"Based on almost a half century of involvement in bdsm groups and communities I would suggest it's time to move on. The odds of converting someone who says they have no interest in bdsm is zero. The odds of you giving up your obvious need for bdsm long term is zero.

You may well suppress it for 5 or 10 years but when it comes back it's always bigger and harder to deal with... my advice is deal with it while it's as small as it ever will be in the future. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear but it's real life. Sometimes the only kind of love we can share is tough love."

Wow.. he seems to have summed it up.  :(

11/29/2015 6:13:32 PM
A kind optimist said:

"Welcome to the site. I certainly see that you are in a difficult situation. It would definitely be unfair for you to give up either this lifestyle or your husband as I imagine both make you feel complete in different ways. It makes it much more difficult if you are hopelessly in love with him as well. Rather than trying to have him get into this lifestyle with you, maybe you ought to try to see what things you can experience by yourself. That isn't to say you should just look for a relationship outside of your marriage, but I definitely think there are plenty of ways to make yourself feel submissive or give up control to your husband without him necessarily realizing it. I can see the allure in finding a Dom outside of your marriage, but I definitely think it's nice that you are not really looking for that. I think for now, just having people you can talk to about your feelings and what you're going through will help you out a lot. :)"

The question is how long can i go on addressing my need by myself..?
I love him, yes. But i am resenting him now. Feeling miserable that he is not doing anything to make this pain go away even after i communicated to him.
But is it fair to walk away from someone if they are not wired to be what i need?


11/29/2015 5:55:25 PM
You will always be unhappy in your marriage as a vanilla wife. It is unfortunate, but you should divorce and find someone who is dominant.

Good luck. "

11/29/2015 5:54:17 PM
then someone else said:

"I left when the pain of staying became more than I could stand. In the long run, I wish I had done it years sooner."

11/29/2015 2:12:22 PM
I got this reply for one gentleman when i asked him what is he doing to help his predicament:

"Yes I have been actively pursuing ways to express my need for the past 20 years while preserving the marriage for when things boil down our need as compulsive as it is and as mind consuming as it is, actually represents only a small part of our life and you have to think very carefully about whether you want to wreck all that is built around your marriage. "

Do You agree with this?

Some said in response:

"Hello VST, That is an interesting reply you received from the married guy. He is being honest, I think, but that doesn't mean he's right. I suppose you could convince yourself that these desires are just a small part of who we are but it seems like such an unhealthy way to live life. There is so much joy and pleasure to be had in the right relationship. I can't imagine trying to confine my sexuality to some small repressed corner of my life. That can't be good. But he probably has reasons to. Children, for one. Take care, "

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Starlynn
 
 Age: 45
 Spartanburg, South Carolina