Today I am not feeling too well. I ate some bad fastfood from steak-n-shake. I probably should of had wayback burgers instead. I had to postpone a date with Capone again. I feel bad about it since I did promise to spend time with him.  I also did that yesterday because i was tired from work and my nerves got to me. I don't understand why I am nervous of the thought of Capone touching me and joining him in bed. Is my trauma from my childhood resurfacing again? I bought dog treats for my Lexi. She really loves the capora! I kee putting off finishing up my drivers ed. I still need to schedule the knowledge exam for the restricts. I am always on the move and try to do everything at once. I want to have it done as quickly as possible. I really need to stop putting stuff off and rushing. My body still yearns to be dominated. I keep running through my head of being in bondage and being helpless, at the mercy of a man groping, sucking, licking my entire figure. It frightens me that I will be giving myself willingly to a man not because it was expected of me or feel obligated to do so. My flora is extremely wet lately maybe in reponse to me working out. Lucia was upset with the fact that I didn't want to give my temple to him for worship. He blew up on me and univited me. I am glad that I didn't spend any money on him like last time. Lucia always has these mood swings where he is friendly with me at one point but then next day at my thorat. It is major reason why I can't be his lover anymore. I can't fault him on him having a mental disorder but I need someone that I can be able to be present and is mentally all there. Lucia will always have a special place in my heart. I constantly think of my dom slinging wax on me and rubbing my pink petals. I want to feel his entire boa slithering inside my tight flora. I want to be submissive so bad.

Today I was blessed by the Great god almighty with significant increase in my credit score. I was so happy I wanted to spread my blessing by giving the best service at my job. Plus help out my mom with her daycare business. Capone is very nice to me and he makes me feel comfortable. I asked about the status of our relationship whether it was open or closed. He gave me an answer and when directed the question at me. I couldn't be able to give an answer. I want to say that I am commited to him but there is always this inkling of doubt that it will be the way i want. So I keep my distance and keep my heart guarded. Lucia is expecting me to lie in bed with him and i had to refuse. It is the main reason why I want to get a hotel room which keeps him from touching me in anyway. Yet at the same time, Lucia is getting worst. It breaks my heart when he calls me and he tells me what is going through his fast paced, disorganized, looney mind. I can't make sense of it. I keep wanting a lover to company my bed. I always imagined a lycanthrope or a vampire to slip in the dead of night. They open my legs ad just taste my chocolate bao. I burst molten chocolate all over their mouth and I beg them to go inside me deeper, harder, and I arch my back and I let out a moan. Their primal instinct kicks and they devour my flora with their fauna. I can feel their alpha male energy vibrate through out their body as i feel their laboring breathing. Their gutteral moaning in my ear as i hold on to the satin sheets from under me. My legs wrapped around them as they finally release their white lightening. It makes me excited everytime I think about it. 

My body yearns to be touched by a man like Capone. Yet i want to marry my dom. My honeypot still has sweet honey drippingly out and ready to give service to a dom that can satisfy my ever growing breeding fetish. It sucks not being fulfilled in such a way. My ex came to the house tonight. I told him to get lost and i had a ne man in my life. He tells me that i am lying then grabbed my charmed ones. I slapped him so hard in the face. Yet he liked me being defiant. He grabbed me and started rubbing my pink nectar. The more i struggled, the more he liked it. My brother was the one who intervened. He threatned calling the law if he came back again. My friend Lucia desires me to give him a warm body to help him sleep. It didn't help when he mentioned that he doesn't demand for erogenous pleasures that often anymore. Even tonight, i arch my back touching and worshippping my temple. Desiring folliwers to clean and worship me as their physical goddess.

I won a giftbasket for mens for the longest recepit. I was gunning for the women's giftbasket but i can settle for constellation prizes. My body still yearns for another lover to wake up to every morning and to go to sleep with every night. I managed to get two out of seven gifts for seven people. I got a plea from a friend named Lucia. He doesn't like to be alone for Christmas every year, so he invited me to go see him at his assisted living faculity. It is more like a prison to him based on the fact; that he was abused there. I decided to rent a few nights in a hotel which in essence gives him a chance to escape just a bit. Capone has been very nice to me. He always bring me flowers and treats me like i am a lady rather than a harlot. And as always without fail, on a third date i must allow Capone to touch my body and take pleasure from it. I am scared because my honeypot is sacred to me. I want worshippers that i can be able to just let go and allow them to feel every crevice of my glorious mounds and valleys. I don't want to avoid Capone since Lucia needs my attention. Lucia suffers from a very serious mental disorder that has him on fifteen different medications. One of whom he built immunity to. There isn't a stronger dose for it, so he has to be in constant therapy to battle his demons. He leans on me to help him through his manic episodes and take him back to reality. I am laying in bed cupping my brown sugar mallows wanting to be groped by my dom. I want him to feel how much my chocolate syrup wants that banana milk mixed up inside. I never longed fo my dom as much as i do now. I long to be touched but I long for compatability to just let go, to trust,to be able to speak the tongues of erogenious bliss. I am frightened to expect more out of men especially knowing there is no chiavarly anymore. It is part of the reason why I find Japanese men more alluring to me. As i  arch my back, i let a long shallow g as my flora starts to quiver. It wants to be whole. It wants to be wanted and doesn't want to give themselves to just plain cream cheese log. It wants an exquiste cornish hen feast with long wurst links. I better go i need some rest.

I spent the night at a friend's house. I finally can say with confidence that I don't feel anything for him. I love Meerkitty as a friend. Strictly as friends. It feels bittersweet. I am glad that i moved on emotionally from my love for him. But at the same time, I wonder what could of been. And not saying that loving him is what i was trying to do. Right now I have to beautify myself and get into the sexy mode for the date on Sunday. I hope my efforts will be rewarded greatly. I hope one day I can unlock my submissive side and just let go. I will be just content in my own skin. 

I wish for one night that i see my belated lover again. I miss his ivory skin, his long black hair and the way that he made my flora leak sweet honey nectar.  I still love him and want him. Yet i can never be able to bring him back from death. Capone talked about buying me lingerie and i decline the offer. I don't want him to feel like i took advantage of him or used him if things go south. My body yearns for meaty thick anaconda to slither inside my damp cove. I arch my back crying out the forbidden name that i dare not say out loud. I moan as i rub the pink petal of the flora. I desire his hands locked around my neck and the feeling of silk on my skin. I want to be full of his milk and then have an audience take advantage of my senuaous body of mine.

Yesterday I had a normal day. Capone wants to meet again though I want to. My heart is still made of cold stone. I have to get ready and get back into fitness for my body. I can't help but want to more for myself. I have 3 insurances to pay plus the interest on a credit card. I also have to prepare to schedule an eye exam plus get new eye glasses. I have so many expenses to cover but not enough to cover everything. My friend Anubis is worried that I push myself to hard. he wants me to take an easy and relax before i burn myself out. He suggests to go on a date and marry a man with favorable status and be content to be a housewife. I could never say yes I desire the freedom to work if i want to. I want the choice to pick a mate that i choose to submit to a deserving dom that i can fufill their fantasies as well as my own. i want to be safe in his arms while trusting him to train me in the pleasures of submission. i desire this so much.

My friend we will call Amandiel confessed his love for me. He even offered to support me and my brothers if my parents passed away. I told him that he should focus on himself instead of looking for a relationship. Capone advised me to move on and not live in the past. My body aches for companionship. I want to be married into the lifestyle but yet i want to raise a healthy and loving family. I want to be treated as a goddess in public yet become a sex slave in private. I get so excited of the thought of earning being collared. I was instructed by a gyno doctor to make myself tighter was to use kegel balls. I keep wanting to be an audience to see me being in bondage and blindfolded. I desire to be devoured in the flames of lust. I can't help but think about the man that made me so wet. He must be a mafiso in a past life. I want to be passed and shared with others. I want to be slowly choked while in the position of submission. I want to be his pleasure slave.I wonder what would happen if i went on a date with anal beads inside me and kegel balls in my flora center.

I went to see Capone today at a mexcian Restauurant. I had a fun time and he was vey funny. He even gave me flowers. I wish i wasn't on my period and not in a bloated state. I probably would look a lot better. His cat Brutus is a total mess lol.I suspect he will do well with the family dog: Moxi. It is hard to not be caught up with someone that you still feel love for. Meerkitty and I are good friends just he isn't into me the way I am with him. I decided to move on and make myself available to a man that actually see my worth. I desire to be more fit for myself and fit in a little black dress that accents my curves especially my chest. I am still getting swarmed with fake doms and plenty that promise one thing but don't follow through. I even got a essay assignment from a dom. It was interesting. I better get ready for bed. I have work tomorrow. I hope one day feudal Japanese tradtions come back and is implemented in Japan. I feel like Americans do not honor their elders nor look after them anymore.

Yesterday is uneventful just the usual routine. Go to work, alittle shopping and then go home. I am getting a little better with saving money. Last week i managed not to spend $100 to add on to the new paycheck. The week before that it was just $70. I payed for my drivers ed class finally just now steadily passing each chapter getting closer to scheduling to get a driver's permit. I paid off my sephora credit card which is nice. Marco is very nice guy and very sweet. He is way older than me but I am not too bothered by it.I want so badly to be married and have children. I want to feel life inside me again before the day i miscarried. There was a couple from New York that reached out to me here from New York. Part of me wants to go for it while another part of me wants to see how long Marco will be around before he just up and leaves. It is frustrating coming home to no partner to share a bed with. Not being able to be held and wanting so badly for someone to touch your moist tight center.Having the urge to want to be bent over and having my coconut milk dripping down my legs. Screaming. Moaning. Begging for someone to just reliev the aching throbbing pain in my flora center.Feeling their hands around my neck as they squeeze gently but firmly in place as I squirm around from excitement. Losing myself in aspectastcy, crying for more as i grind myself on their now soaked fingers. Just begging to be fulfilled but only to be denied until i help them release pressure from their garden hose. Just the thought of it makes my chocolate chip nipples hard. Will i ever find someone like that?

Today is interesting. I will try to recap as much as possible.I got a message from an older man from here. We will give him the name: Capone. He is Itlaian and a chatterbox. He is very sweet and friendly. My ex Sabir managed to text me to let me know where to contact him if i need him. I told him to leave me alone. He did enough damage to me both mentally and fincially. I had this dream last night about being in restraints. I can feel hands on my body. Groping me. Feeling me. I remember soy candle wax dripping down my chest.Pleasuring the man that i am suppose to submit to. Anyway I saw a trailer for Saw X. I am hooked. My friend KittyMeer wants me to come over and spend the night. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel like not going. I shouldn't be having pleasure with him if i know there is no emotion in it. But at the same time, I don't want to devoid him of what he obviously desire. Interaction with opposite sex which is genuine. Capone showed a picture of his pet cat: Brutus. He is so cute. Also been showing pics of various lingerie to see how i like them. I feel like he already made up in his mind that we are a couple. I don't mind the amourous actions. I am used to the fact that men fall for me easily. I just wish I can get them to actually put a ring on my finger. Capone mentioned living in New York. I wonder if he ever been to the BeetleHouse restaurant. I have seen videos and pictures of it. I would love to go but mostly want to see my grandmother. My father always promise to plan a trip to see her with the family but never does. I want to see her so at least i can cherish while she is still alive. I better go. I have to clean myself up.

Today I worked out and skipped breakfast. I called a friend of mind and they were doing ok. They were furious with the fact over an argument. I drank two bottled waters today and a glass of sweet tea with ice. I have a craving for something yummy but i dont have peacan syrup. Another old flame of mind reached out and decided to leave Florida since the social climate is way too facist for him. I don't blame him for leaving especially with everything that has happened with our govenor. As for me, I got drenched yesterday from the rain. I had to buy a new outfit but returned the shoes since they were squezzing the hell out of my feet. I got a few messages from doms and less from male submissives since updaating my profile. I would love to come home to a dom having me immediately on my knees ready to service him. But also come home to him asking about me and alloing me to unwind first before submitting to him.  Lately the type of men coming out of the woodwork are fake doms. They say they want a submissive and start right off the bat demanding for submission. It makes me laugh because my submission to you should be earned, not demanded. Not to mention, it rubs me the wrong way they call me bitch or hoe when first contact with each other. I am starting to feel the older men might know more about domination then us younger generation.

Today I am trcking what i eat and excersing more. After being hit by a guy at a bar last night. I started to do and look at things differently. I enjoyed drinking water more and not craving sodas. I want to become something irrestible to men not just by my sexuality but by my purpose. A friend reached out to me. They still living in the faculty where a resident sexually abused them. Their parents just disowned them for being born with mental illness. I hate them for that. I wonder if their any men  that exist that can make my desire to carry children inside me a reality. I want to talk to the man that got my interest many years ago. I wonder if they still want to see me and meet.

Today I am home alone and freely cumming all over my bedsheets. I am sexually frustrated because i want a dom to come home to. The type that can satisfy my desires and the urges. I love the thought of being naked in front of a strong man. I applied for a credit card for the first time. I am happy to say I was approved. Just working to get a good credit score instead of fair. I want a man to approach me and just start groping me from behind, rubbing my flora center till i leak honey sap. Just really love smart and successul men. I like to imagine them towering over me and taking advantage of my sex to the point that i am addicted to their primal appetite.

Just have a lot to unload in this entry. For starters, my best friend wanted me to date him again. Another ex,the one that left me in credit card debit, wants me to go to New York with him. I told him no and to call for someone to give him money. Another bestie of mine, Sam Clark, he invited me over to his place. I told him no since i Know he just like playing with my tits. I still crave a daddy dom to marry and create a family with. Especially the type of daddy dom that i can be myself around him. I want to be able to fall asleep on his chest but also be able to tell him that i want to have my clit teased before entering me. I want to be able to go on a shopping spree at least once every three months but model in front of him while he compliments the clothes i wear in front of him. I ant to burn fat at the gym with him then get rewared with his amazing phallus. I want to moan so loud when he is pounding me that people would think that i am dying. But alas i have to resigned myself to fake hot rod and my wand. Is their a daddy dom out there that i can be myself to?

Today my period is over! Now I just need to focus on getting rid of my period weight plus going on another date to find my dream dom. I am attracted to physically fit men since I want to join them in the gym to workout. I want to also be covered in his sweat when he yanks me in the lockerroom. I want to be treated like a princess in public but a slut in bed. I want to be a dom's pet and sex toy. It makes me envious and hurt when i see fit men with their amazingly fit women. I fanastize what it would be like for them to be clad in leather and straps. The female partner being submissive and allowing her masculine dom to treat her like a bitch in heat. I hate being a woman with a loving touch of a daddy dom. I want to be their wife, their mother of the children, and their lover. My heart is tried of being unappericated and not getting enough gratitude. My heart has become cold as stone and full of contempt towards men. Yet i can't get enough of their disgusting foul garden hose. Maybe i should try my hand as a mistress. But then again, to be a good domme. I have to know how to be a good submissive.

I can't sleep due to the fact that everything in my body wants to be filled with man juice. I hate my periods. They make me super horny and crave to belaid a lot. I have been corresponding with a fellow sub we shall call as Jean. Jean interests me very much despite being across the country. I crave to have a master to submit to and to indulgein his desires. I need to find a cryptid to lay pipe in me. It would be interesting to allow a vampire or lycanthrope to be my master. Work was miserable since there was no ac. I kept thinking of wanting the german tourists at my counter ould just rio my clothes off me and just have their way with me. God i just wqnt to be satisfied

So I got dumped today which isn't surprising. I feel that all the men that I have dated would eventually leave me so I try not to be attached. Jake didn't understand why i am so distant and don't let him in my world. I just used to people walking in and out of my life that it doesn't hurt me anymore. Anyway I am seeking someone who is a dom and a partner. In the meantime, I am listening to the audio of driving manual which is very helpful so far. I am healing a bit and made a friend from Miami. He is healing too and he is very artistically talented. I know someday once he healed he can be able better and stronger than before. I believe that in life everyone wants to be seen, heard and cherished. Just hard to find it in this world filed with people that uses your kindness and gentleness for weakness. Now i am seeking a dom for survival and escape. I know it is dangerous to trust any random daddy dom, but i dont have a choice in that matter anymore.

I gained 7lbs today and struggling to lose weight. I miss being touched and treated as a girlfriend instead of a slut. I want to do a strip tease for a deserving dom that will cherish and appericiate me. I want him to worship me like a goddess by having his hands all over me. I also want a solider to push me to be a better version of myself and call out my bullshit when needed. He has to be into fitness because i am trying to lose weight; I want a partner to do cardio with and teach me to do excerises correctly since i am new at being active on the regular. I wanted to be the kind of woman that every man wants as a wife if they are a good man.

Jake wanted me to read my journal outloud to him. And he managed to critique every single thing in my journal including my puncuation and my words i use to write in my journals. I hate when he does that especially degrading me on my journals. He even degrade me on the fact i woke up still wearing my night gown. He hated that i am not active in the morning. He hated that i didn't shower in the morning nor change out of my gown fast enough to somethng else. While he critizes me about it, I changed my dog's pee pad and clean their paws. I shouldn't have to feel low about myself and cry everytime i am around him. He doesn't even switch up his fuck game. Anyway I got paid today which is nice and managed to get my packages delivered to me soon. I am so excited about it. I still need to update my info for entertainment account but still ok. I shouldn't have to feel ugly around him nor become someone else to get his approval. I bet there is a lot of guys out there that appericiate a woman that rub his feet after a hard day of work, clean clothes washed and folded, cook their favorite foods for them just to show how much you love them and appericiate them and loves to wear sexy outfits and lingerie for them just because they feel sexy and love to be sexual with them. I want to just enjoy being a woman again.

I have some good luck today. I managed to raise my bad credit score to fair. But still have a long way to go. I saw some panties that i love to get from Torrid. Torrid has a lot of amazing stylish and fashionable clothes for plus size women like myself. I found another adult entertainer that i like: Mike Mancini. I love his peppery beard and he seems to be a daddy dom. I wouldn't mind having that in my life especially since i bet he can teach me a thing or two. I got some worked up from watching one of his videos that i came on to Jake. Jake didn't care and didn't want to touch me since i was on my period. Once i stop bleeding, I want to go to the gym and work out maybe snag a horny meathead to punish me in the lockerrooms. Or something similar to dilf bod that is able to leave a lot to the imagination. I desire such men like Mike and Jean. I don't know maybe just too horny to think straight anymore.

Today I got a heavy period today and it sucks. I signed up for another dating site where i showed my face. It sucks that I keep running into men that don't deserve my time. I took a love guide test today and found out my love pattern is dreamer. Now I just need to figure out to find my ideal soulmate in the realistic world. I fantasize a lot about sex lately than again. Everytime I am on my period i become a major sex fiend. I long for a lover to take control of me in such a way to mold me into their personal slut. I often fantasize of a famous adult entertainer I like: Jean Val Jean. He is an all round mordern romanticist and reneassice man. I would give anything for him to own me and dominate me like a pleasure slave. I know I am not his type anyway but a girl can dream.I have been corresponding to an older man on here. Let's call him Billy Joel.Joel is very stimulating and makes me feel safe around him. I can open up to him and tell him anything without feeling judge or crufixed for it. Maybe I do want a daddy dom to put me in check and be his very rebellious college school girl or something that needs a good spanking on my chocolate muffins.My partner Jake is hard to tell him about how I feel and what i really want because he bites my head off everytime. It is a good thing that I have an open relationship with him. Just for once, I want to be able to have a lover that i can be completely myself without restrainng myself.

Today I had work and just worked four hours. I also having hard time being able to find a partner that is able to satisfy me mentally, physically as well as spiritiually. It is annoying and i am realizing that I can't do somethings by myself and need help.I probably be able to figure it out eventually. Last night I had a dream about being ball gagged and have nipple clamps on my sensitive chest. My flora was teased relentlessly to the point i beg for release. I was put on all fours and my master started wildly slinging melted soy wax all over me while doing me doggy. I wish that is was real so badly.

Today I am just frustrated with Jake. He always pushes buttons to the point where he just pisses me off. I want to be sexy around him and be in touch with my sensual self again. Yet I can't be able to do that with him since he doesn't even care about it. He cares about wanting me to get a scale to lose weight which i understand where he is coming from but still hurts. I have been trying to build myself up yet keep secound guessing myself and holding back. I want to be told i am ok to be myself and to believe what i want to believe. I want to wear lingerie and just be called sexy when i am wearing it and just be devoured. I fought with Jake today because i was referring to my ex as bottom of the barrel people and he didn't want to hear about my ex ever. He doesn't even like me mentioning my ex. It all stems from the fact he thinks i am refering to him as bottom of the barrel people when it is the exact opposite. I can't open up to him because it feels like he bites my head off for me talking to him or it becomes a huge agrument, I don't like fighting with him about things and just want to enjoy him. Yet i want sex to be enjoyable and not painful to the point i feel like a cheese grater is grating me from the inside. It gets agraviating trying to commuincate how i am feeling without being judged. I just want him to punish me by using anal beads on me and slinging hot wax on me. I want to be handcuffed or in retraints and just forced to take his cock in me without me resisting him. I just wish he could dominate me like this

Today I played with my flora to my favorite bdsm video. I was aching to have anal beads shoved deep in me and to be handcuffed. The guy whom I was fucking caught me with it and instead of fucking me like I desire to be. He reverted to playing with my flora and same three positions. It bored me to tears and I am starving for more. I want him to do more to my body. Why else would he ask me to bring my anal beads, nipple clamps and the leather whip over? I hate that I want to be dominated so much and not getting the pleasure I desire.

Last night I was motivated by pessitimitic man named Jake. I am pushing myself to be healthier and i have to break my bad eating habits which means stop eating fastfoods and junk food. Start focusing on more wholesome healthy meals for myself and save myself for a change. I finally cried my last tears on my ex and all the toxic men in my life. I made a list of what I wanted to do but afraid to do. I am afraid of losing weight because i feel that i will only attract more attention to me and also they will leave me because i am not worth it to them to be a pleasure slave/wife to them. So with the weight, i know they are leaving me because of my weight not because of me. I am fraid to bare my soul to anyone because i have been hurt so many times that i just built this wall around me to protect myself. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to live my life with hope and motivation. I want to be able to find a loving dom that i can build trust with and enjoy music with. I want to show him that i can be a wife material and a pleasure slave. I want to enjoy sex and not feel anixety or feel like sex is a chore rather than just a time to indulge in physical connection that is beautiful and magical in itself. I want to comunicate my wants and desires better. I want to be connected to my body where i can tell my partner how to touch me, how to turn me on and how to get me to release my sweet honey nectar. I want a relationship with my dom not to be just physical but lead to marriage as well.

Today I have a problem with intimacy and money. Intimacy: i am fooling around with a physically disabled guy whose cock is lengthy and girthy. He has a horse dick i guess. He stretches me out and hurts when he is in me. He haas high sexual cravings but bores me with the vanilla sex. I want to be in bondage and have wax dripped all over me. I want anal beads to stretch me to the point i am begging for his man meat. I got a dm from darkknight. He seems interesting and more curious about him. I wonder if he can be my workout buddy. Money: i tend to spend money on monotarey things to make myself feel better or if i want to pay for myself and not have my partner or another man pay for me, i am now forced to revert back to my college days of eatting noodles everday and shopping solely on wish and dollar general. I would love to be off the market by a worthy dom.

I am not getting off to porn like i used to. I crave for connection and attachament to a loving dom. Draco turned out to be another disappointment. I am actually considering hiring a matchmaker in order to find my kink soulmate. Work was dull as usual. I keep cravingthe usual vices: a handsome asian dom to use my bondage tape on me and drip wax all over my body before ravaging my flora center. My ex called me deranged because i refused to send him money when he had insulted me and spent it on other things besides what he said would be used for. I am so confused about hat to do and everything inside me is burning to be filled with vanilla cream in all my holes.

Draco is the type of man I really want to submit to. We have know each other for four years. He always managed to make me excited and we would talk to each other for hours on end. He makes me laugh and everything is screaming for him to collar me. My ex tells me that i am going backwards and dating below my grade because he doesn't have a car nor hasn't a career where he is wanting to advance. i don't care about that. He treats me with respect and dignity, never degrades me on my weight, he makes me feel beautiful both inside and out. My opinion matters and he makes me feel safe whenever i am around him. Iwant to be with him and be his wife. I want tobe his pleasure slave and to have him put a collar around my neck. I love Draco deeply and fully

My date with a crippled man was interesting. He is a stoner but he is very sweet and decent guy. He makes me feel beautiful and thinks of me as a woman not a piggybank. Then i went to see my fwb and he told me about the adventure they had with their kid and wish i was there with them. My ex decided to come see me and damaged me where he pinned me down and spilit the lower skin inside my flora and decided to leave me with the scratches and the torn skin. i had to dap perixode and vaseline on myself since i can't afford to get medical insurance. I hope Draco would love to see me in my collar in front of me. I am going to work out since i have been neglecting myself due to being so depressed from dumping my ex. I am doing a lot better now.

My old flame reached out to me. I never thought it would happen considering the circumstances. WE talked for hours on end and made me laugh so hard. I was invigorated by him and still loved him. He still feels the same way about me too. He lives in Zephryhills and already i feel wet from the idea of allowing myself being submitted to him. i want so badly to be collared by him. 

Last night I cried all night and can't explain why. I wish I could explain why. My fwb confirmed that no matter how hard i love and how much i give finicially, emotionally and mentally. I will never be a part of his world. So i have to walk away and let him go. I still love him but i can't make him love if he doesn't. Yuki still has interest in me and refrained from sexting me in order for me to get sexual relief. True sexual relief. I have to go to Okinwa and be on my knees in front of him. I am terrified of this revelation because it is the reality i have to live. I spent another night in my bed alone not haveing my flora center satisfied and knowing that i am going to belong to Yuki scares me even more. I never wanted an elderly master in the first place and always wanted to be oned by someone that was young and handsome just like the men in the Resinnance paintings. I better start washing my dirty dishes and get some hot tea in me. I have a long nightshift today.

I am so pertifried with fear it is crumpling me. This guy we will call Yuki demands me to put in my two week notice. And immediately go to see him in Okinwa to be his pleasure slave. He is proving his point every day that i am in contact with him about everything going on with me. He can even see how i struggle with my sexuality to the point where i can't get enough of wanting to be used as a sex toy. I hate it when people can see right through. I desired so much to be abused like this and love the prey feeling when around Yuki especially when he is a full blown predator. I better get ready for work.

There is a lot to recap so I will be brief and precise as i possibly can. The guy that was honing on me has been pursuing me. It excites me and thrills me to know he thinks of me that way. I can't divulge a lot since i agreed not to reveal too much. He basically desires to mold and shape me into sex slave by first intationing me into it. One of things is by taking away my choices and demanding me to quit my job to relocate to place which wiil call Okinawa. I am resistant since I have been in this situation before where i followed a fake dom to places like Kissimmee and Davenport helping him by promoting his website and paying for his booze and sometimes board. I worked two jobs in order to support him and bought groceries. Only to be saddled with debt and a garbage full of things. Did i mention I had to call home to get picked up and returned back in the decrypted state which is now home? I don't need to look like a fool again which is why i am not fully sold on it. On the other hand, becoming a sex slave is what i really desire to be since I enjoy sex. I want to be covered in the white sticky milk and the molten wax. I want to be able to just shut off my brain and just enjoy sex and not be this obligation or just another chore. Yet at the same time, I don't need to be screwed over again. I want to at least talk to another slave of his and see with my own eyes the pure freedom of being a sex slave. Plus I am making a giftbox for a friend for his birthday in March and been buying little by little to build up the ultimate birthday box for him. I even promised to spend time with on Valentine's day since for one: the guy i was pining for was a scammer and two: i want to at least showcast how much of a gentleman he is to at least get him a proper girlfriend. God why do i always have to think of the pros and cons of every abspect of my life?

I pissed of two men today.One is an old man that wanted me to permeantly relocate to Boca to be his personal sex slave. I didn't want to go because i believed he didn't look enough to be my dom and my master Another single father wanted to meetup just to talk and hangout but he looks like redneck. I need a guy that looks like prince charming not total rejaspects. I deserve the best that life has to offer not the trash i keep finding. I want to be lightly choked but primal rage ravaged my precious flora. I want to be knocked off my high horseand become a complete personal adult toy to a man. I desired a handsome man to be my lover, my dom, my master. I hate looking constantly for men like that and not getting any results. Can someone please put me in my place?

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can cause people to do horrible things or to do couarageous acts. My fear i never being loved the way i desire to be loved. That my ex is right about me not knowing what i want.That my best bet is to be married to him and that i am retarded and stupid. THat i don't live in reality. I can't describe the pain of never being good enough to be loved or desired by any man that i want. I am to be arranged to be married to a man whom has already taken money from me and used it to fund his mentoring website. He broke my heart, stole my money, took my voice and even took my worth as a woman away from me.Just to chase after his millions. He is holding me hostage because of his constant assaults to me. My godfather told me to marry him to ensure my security and safety in order to not be homeless. He called me demented retarded insane whore. I am not even worthy enough in his mind to take up as his wife and submissive. He doesn't want to have kids so i will never hear the a baby's laugh, hold my child's small hands nor watch them grow up. He stole all of that from me. Just like The Furies I hope to haunt him with my discontemptment and my anger towards him. I do not wish him peace. I want him to know what it is like to have his dream torn apart in front of him.

Sorry For being in hiatus for so long. I decided to spend the whole month of January to heal myself spiritually and mentally. I avoided sexual gratification of every kind including watching porn or masturbating. My diet mainly consists of fish, vegetables, fruit, nuts and bread. I am excersing almost everyday and doing more if i miss a day or two. I started up talking to plenty of men but never meeting them to avoid the temptation of actually sucking on their cock. I had my savings drained thanks to a hacker, so i have to save up all over again. I got some of my money back. I cried three times and can't explain why that happened. It feels like i am losing myself in this abyss of constant disappointment. I desire so much to be dominated and be loved for just me. I even fantansize a forced breeding scenario of my future husband forcing me to have his children on our wedding night after we are married. Although i know not all men are the same but i feel that finding my asian dom is so hard.

Today I had to go to work. Nothing unusal there just wish I had someone to come home to. I did something completely out of character to myself. I would take up many lovers at once to prevent myslef from being lonely. Instead i got rid of the problematic ex, dumped the other guy that i felt nothing for. My heart is consumed with love and affection for my fwb. But he doesn't want me like i wish he would. My body aches for amaster to breed his seed in me and force me to have his children. I want to raise them full of virtues. No lies and no secrets. I want to have a collar around my neck and be owned as their free use pleasure slave. My family will never understand why i desire so much to be loved this way. My mother actually bought clothes for me and they look so bad that i swear they make me look like someone else's grandmother but i appericate the the thought. I wish I could find an Asian dom that was into me but i should just visit him in my dreams.

I got dumped by a dom today. It isn't a surprise since i know myself better than anyone. I liked him as a friend not like a lover.I need to say my true feelings more than to hide it. I find myself wanting be everyone's lover but i am incapable of doing so. My dom in my mind is Asian and quite handsome. These doms i constantly encounter are either white or too husky or combination of both. I hate that i attract these type of doms. My desire is to be dominated by oriental master and it is why i can't just simply give up control. Not becuse a dom commands or demands my submission. Because I am submitting to you willingly and because i trust him enough to give myself to him. My Dom mentored me about self sabatoge that i keep doing and the gazillion excuses of why i wouldn't relocate. I need to be safe and secure. I am an wild animal taken out of my natural habit into a different enivironment. I am going to not do so well without getting use to my surroundings. I need to be exposed to it little by little. Plus i want to have kids and can't with this dom. So in short, i like him as a mentor but i can't see myself submitting to him. I need a dom to rape me into submission with his glorious sausage. Until i start calling him shujin-san. That is what i really want to experience

My body still aches to be whole.I spent three days with my fwb. Helping him ease his pain over the woman that he loves deeply that cut him so badly. After he was done using my body as his sex toy. There was tears in my eyes. I don't understand why since he didn't hurt me at all during sex. Just even though i wanted his love and his affection. I knew it wasn;t real. My ex chooses to believe a lie instead of the truth. It only means he will be disappointed when it doesn't come true. Sexually i still think of the ways i wanted to be conquered by him but at the same time glad i haven't devoted myself to him and split with him. There is a dom that interest me and we have been conversing on kik. He interests me and excites and hopefully he feels the same. I am staring at the unlit soy wax candle near my window. I am already imagining the pleasurable escasty of having white soy kisses all over my body while wringling under the black bondage tape i stillkeep in plain sight that i hope one day is actually used on me. Then having all my wholes gaped and violated until i understood my body doesn't belong to me anymore but to my lover. My partner. My soulmate. My husband.

I want to to be free of the thought of inferiotry> Being called degoratory names based on my race just shows how ignorant they are. I am so glad that i left my ex. It was a blessing in disguise. I have work throughout the week with the exception of Thanksgiving. I wish i could become a man's woman already and be displayed on the table as a table center piece where they eat desserts off my body and then forces me to stay stilll while being teased and being denied to cum until the the gathering is over before indulging in me.

I stayed at a fwb's place for a few days. he was so broken up over his ex. He was suicidial and i told him to leave his burden on me and just let me catch him when he falls. It was scary but i want to be there still. My ex as usual is dragging his feet with his own success. I can't believe a genius can act so foolish and stupid not to work for his vision instead of being dependent on handouts from family and the women he fucks with. He is so pathetic. I want to wake up in the morning with a cherry blossom beside me right before i find him and i kneel before him completely bare asking him to take me. Wanting his permission to touch my body excites me and the thought of being blindfolded and lightly choked as he has my flora center opening up to the invasion of an orchaid praying mantis would be great. My dream dom always graviated to asian men since western people think asian decent are nothing but they are a lot more than they think. but i should settle for another night alone in my room begging for domination of my body, complete submission to the stronger opposite sex, and the primal urge of wanting to be conquered 

Today just gaming and reading all day. I am also ready to wait out the hurricane. The island is being evacuated and some are actually staying. I am not worried since this house has survived hurricanes before so no doubt it will survive hurricane again. Last night my ex called since he wanted somebody to talk to, I told him flat out that i was done with him. I made it clear and just focused on starting over and becoming a submissive free use bitch in my own way. I am torn because though i am done with him. His manmeat was undeniably good with its hotdog color and thick rod. But at the same time i shouldn't have to beg to be spanked, dominated or even restrained. i shouldn't even beg for his affection or attention. I should just get it because i mean that much to him that i am his lover and personal play thing to use at will. Is it wrong for a strong woman that works hard to want this?

I messed up on the weekend. I thought i had a boyfriend but it turns out that i was just a security blanket for him. It hurts to know that but i am glad that i had the truth to me now instead of hidden from me. I hope he finds happiness someday but for now. I am back on the market and going to focus on building myself as usual. I had an sexual encounter that i killed the moment because I was choked and groped but i couldn't do it.Now i am doing everything to make it up to this jerk.

It is offical. I am tired of porn and playing with myself. It bores me when i fantasize about things done to me but never happens. It is sexually frustrating not being satisfied by myself anymore. I will wait till i am in heat again to do "flora treatment" on myself. My bf had mental breakdowwn from depression. I held him in my arms and just want him to get better. He has been depressed lately all the time and scared that he is going down a dark place. I just wish i could do more to help. I passed my driving test with 82% on a third try. Just need to schudele a knowledge exam test and then take the driving test and get my drivers license. I will be free to travel on my own and do a lot more than currently. I just want to submit to someone that i love and actually checks off everything that i need not necessarily by what i want.

I am starting to think i am running out of time. Because i am 30 years old and still no kids to call as my own nor a husband that I can submit to. Plus my hatred for my ex is turning me int something that i depise. I don't like treating men that are nice to me as passive aggressive or even cold to them. I normally help them but lately just avoid helping them lately and not act warmly. I need to suck out this posion that is destroying my heart. I wish to submit to a worthy dom that understands that i rather work hard to get the dream i want and not have it just given to me. I miss my belated lover Angeles. He would understand me and always managed to give me what my soul was begging for. I can't believe he took his life and left me alone to carry the world on my shoulders. I long to join my lover but at the same time i can't take my own life because i am not taking a coward way out. I am going to work out and make desserts.

I pissed off my Ex tonight. i left my note to self to him on purpose about my view of a dom and submissive roles. I believe a submissive has the power to choose who they submit to and don't have to validate their choices to anyone but themselves. A dom"s role is build trust and confidence with the sub where they (sub) can be able to willingly subnit to them.With out it, a sub wouldn't take them seriously or worst might laugh at them because of the fact they instinctively know they are trying too hard to prove they are dom. He was so triggered by it it was so funny. He gave me this spill that I have an Asberger brain. I countered by saying the ones that demandsthe loudest are the ones that want to be dominated. It makes sense why he is so abrasive and aggressive when it comes to his pursuit for the other sex. Imagine a " demented whore bitch" having completely and utter control over him. The same bitches that he despies and look down on that he ends up submitting to. That is something i would pay to see.

I finally made a decision on my relationship. I decided to choose my dreamy dom over my ex. What made me decide this is the fact he had me contact another woman to help but only to find out they don't need the help at all. It is just the usual aggressive attitude forcing his "mentoring" and "help". With the dom i have been talking to for the best few weeks: he is nice, doesn't degrate me on my weight, actually got the skills to back up his claims, and makes me feel like a woman and wants to build me up instead of tearing me down with his words or yelling at me. I can't wait to meet him someday.

I am completely torn i have a dom that wants me as i am yet i have my ex that claims he wants me but treats me badly. i dont know what to do.

Today work was ok but not busy. Talking to this Dreamy Dom makes me feel like i am at ease. Yet for some reason, I are really getting sucked into him. My ex wanted me to send him protein poweder and earphones to the rehab facuility that he is serving his year probation in. He tells me i should be planning the weddings to his many wives including being married to him. I told him to shove it. He says i shouldn't try to become a wedding planner anyway because i am too abused and retarded to do it. My so called boyfriend didn't claim me as his girlfriend but as a friend that happens to sleep with him. He doesn't want to put a ring on me ever and i shouldn't expect anything from it. It hurts but at least now the only thing holding me back from relocating is past experience and family. I keep thinking about having My Dreamy Dom in his arms, groping me, feeling my chest, sticking his fingers in all the holes. Rub my pink rose bud then withdrawing for me to services his big disco stick,being lightly choked as tells me all the things he wants to do to me. My body wringles and squirms from delight as hot wax is poured on my chest and my ass. It makes me wet thinking about it. My period started so massive sugar cravings will be dominating me. I wonder if my dreamy dom can handle the nympho i become on my period.

I can't believe i texted him and he was preoccupied to even get me a lyft. I am wearing a bodysuit pink floral lingerie and just waiting for a ride. Why did i waste my time to even do my hair if he isn't going to get me. Freak, I am wet and ready for a good flora tending session. I hate when men do this to me! I get tossed aside or pushed to the side and ignored. It is irrating and agrevating! I talked to the dreamy dom today and texted him. He has this thick country accent with urban attitude to him. I enjoyed the conversation we have and makes me wonder more about the different type of sensations i might get from him if i let him have my body. I better cool off in my room. Ugh and now my ex is calling and wants to brag about his potential dates.

Last night I had texted a dreamy dom and it makes me nervous about relocating. I will be completely at their mercy and i will dependent on him for my survival. But on another hand, it excites me to know that he wants to examine my body and bend me over while people are watching. I shouldn't be so excited from this but can't help it. I want to text him again this morning but first i should defintely clean my dirty dishes and start doing my drivers ed and my languages. I dreamt about being restrained and not having any control over him spanking my ass and rubbing my flora center forcing me to drip my sweet honey out. Waking up wanting another warm body laying next to you is always the hardest. It is a constant reminder that you are alone. Anyway relocating to another state without a way to get back home if it doesn't work out is frightening. ugh i need to pee and i am going to end this with a thought. Will submitting to this dreamy dom finally set me free and allow me to enjoy being a woman?

I discovered a new sensation by accident. I was watching a horror film last night and was falling asleep. I had a soy candle lit and was going to blow it out. Some wax flew on my lips and a bit on my chest. The sensation was amazing. I loved the sudden hot then coolness of the wax. I want more of it and have the sensation over again. Everything is still burning for a good banana session. I also like a sweet flora session where a moist towelette is cleaning my moist center. It hurts that I don't have a partner to divulge my discovery with and have them experiment on me as well.

I hate that I wake up wanting to be used. Everything in me aches to be defiled and ravaged but want to be cherished and loved. I hate this feeling of wanting that so badly. It is like I am holding a dog leash with a dog collar attached to it. Begging for a master to collar me and show me off as theirs and only their exclusive playtoy. God please extinguish this feeling.

My body still yearns for my other half. My masculine dominant half that can ease this hunger and thrust. It hurts so much to know I could never find that feeling of completion. I ache to be lightly choked, my wrists pinned to the side of me and my legs spread open. I want to know the feeling of organic pushing inside me causing both pain and ecstasy at the same time. I want the feeling of white chocolate filling me up inside. This empty feeling is too much and need to be dominated. 

Today my ex called and he is in rehab finally. He is still blantly ignorant and annoying. My body still yearns to be restrained and dominaed. It sucks that i want to be used and wanting to be consumed by their primal instinct to breed. He inslts about my current bf status and he doesn't understand that he gives me the things i need. Maybe my body is created to pleasure more so than it is to mate. 

my body yearns for release especially on my moon cycle. i just want someone to be rough and last for hours with me

It turns out to be a busy and in fact he bailed on me on a secound date. He couldn't handle the first one since I gave him control to my vibrator and he just acted like an average joe about it. He wasn't that dominant and just not a right fit for me. Now I am just looking for a sexy fit dom to tame me and satisfy my needs and desires

Today i have been conversing with a gentleman and part of me is hopeful while part of me wants to have aback up just inn case it goes south. I enjoyed my very first orgasm last night and can't exp,ain how that even happened and just looking forward to try to land a new secound job. Laying here completely bae i just yearn for touch 

it feels like there is absolutely no one that can tame me nor able to satisfy the flames roaring inside me. Men are so pathetic that they can't even know how to keep a woman like me satisfied and eager for more. Plus it is so dull to be doing the seducing when I should be seduced. Seduction for me is easier then breathing I just want to be conquered and satisfied for once.

I got the spirit companion by doing reverse adoption and got adopted by the sterling angel named Dominick. I offered him water and and wondering if i should offer money as well. I keep seeking my oriental prince charming but never seem to find him since I always seek his dominance yet gentle touch. I desire so much to be loved a certain way by a certain dom but could never find him. 

I did something stupid and at the heat of the moment decided to have a spirit bond to me because my heart was broken. I just wanted to be loved and able to submit to a loving dom but never find a guy like that which would do sexuallly humilating stuff to me.

Emptiness is such a cruel existence. Especially when you are unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and have your desires still not realized. I am starting to think men are always disappointing and unreliable so why must I suffer for their incompetence of being able to know what a woman like me hungers for. Must I settle for lesser than I deserve or settle with one night stands but never being able to roam this life and the next insatiable for what i deseperately need

Submission is more than just a charatacteristic. It is the ultimate form of trust to another. Submitting whether it is a lover or sexual partner is a form of bond that the submissive chooses to grant to the dom. You can't demand for complete and total control of their body nor command for that type of submission. it has to be earned .

So today i had to Uber my way to the hotelroom. My roommate as ususal was hanging out with his male friends flexing his stroyfoam balls and drunk. He is such a jerk. He always sleep with other people except me and because of that caught syphills. He even touched my ass so i had to smack him in the stomach for it. After that happened he slapped my ass and i slapped him in the face. This coming year though I have to refrain from sex. I am seeking a true primal no nonsense dom that can truly satisfy me in the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom. I shouldn't be the only one pulling my weight and shouldn't always have to be in control of myself.

Last night I finally have found someone that i am hoping is interested in me to. I am pacing myself and not rushing despite what my partner says. He is more aggressive when it comes to getting what he wants. He doesn't understand that us women are delicate flowers that need to be handle with utmost care and very tender tending. I guess that is why he drags me to his misadventures of picking up women he likes. he is good at the protection part and providing just need a bit more work on the gentle approach versus the typicsl alpha male apporach. Overall i am super excited that i possibly might have a sister concubine to watch anime with, get make up tips and even do my favorite activity: shopping.