I just realized recently that it has been ten years since I started having sex. That is crazy! I feel like I should have a party for the death of my virginity’s tenth anniversary. Strangely although it has been a whole ten years it has really only been about 2 and a half years since I have really enjoyed sex to the fullest. Not that I didn’t before, it was just more hit and miss especially since I had a weird mental block for the first 7 years of my sexual life that caused my vagina to physically clam up to where it was excruciatingly painful to be penetrated. However now that I am a sexually liberated woman I feel as if there should be a celebration!

Also since I just moved into my new place I was really wanting to have a housewarming party to show off the new place and basically fill my place with friends and start creating good memories here. Leslie, let me know when you can be in town next so I can schedule it so you can attend. I kind of want the party to have a theme but you know I will pretty much look for any reason what so ever to dress up in costume. Anyhow once I get word from Leslie I will start telling everyone about it so we can all get together.

I am basking in something and I am going to take time to enjoy it.

Scratch that. Sometimes I give out credit where it’s just not due. Maybe I should just have my “credit” giving abilities taken away indefinitely.

One aspect of my new living situation that I am not so darn keen on is the fact that I think the family under me has like 20 kids under the age of 10. As you all probably guessed I am not on your general 9-5 schedule so I pretty much catch my zzzzz’s from early morning hours to mid afternoon. On the other hand these fucking hood rat kids somehow seem to thrive on getting up at like 9am every morning and immediately taking their riot right outside of my window and screaming at full volume until it’s way passed 9pm. What the fuck?

I realize I better not complain on them because it’s not their fault that I am a night owl and in an apartment type situation you can’t expect all of you neighbors to convert to your schedule. Plus I am pretty sure they can hear my music and friends yelling at me at all hours of the night and I wouldn’t want them to complain on me just because those are my hours. But damn! Fucking haven’t these people heard of using some type of contraceptive? I just don’t understand how people produce that much offspring without their bodies and minds falling completely apart. And this, ladies and gentlemen is why I thank the universe for ABORTIONS.

If abortions were not possible I would myself have an idiot child running around here driving me crazy and eventually leading me to abandon the rug rat on the side of the road in the middle of no where. I’m not kidding people. Don’t EVER let me have children as it would be detrimental for the child as well as myself.

On a lighter note…

The apartment stuff is going pretty smoothly. I am almost finished unpacking everything and hanging my stuff on the walls and giving the place that “me” feel. Jebadiah (my dog) is doing so well with not having accidents in the house and I am very proud of him. Very soon I will have my house cams once again set up and update my pictures and videos section on my site so you can look forward to that! I will also be making a walk through video of my apartment once I am satisfied with how everything is set up.

The lesson of the week is: Honesty is NOT ALWAYS the best fucking policy. So don’t ask.

It was a HELL of a fucking week AND THAT is the truth, Ruth!

I must say how incredibly refreshing it was to throw all the stuff out that needed to go. My last apartment was cursed. It could have been me or Jay that spit out the hex, or maybe both… If you think about it. However, either way that apartment there was doomed even before anything went wrong in that relationship, at least TOO wrong. Oh well it was just as much my fault as it was his and it’s over now and he honestly probably has no idea that I moved, I feel like I am hiding at a secret location or something.

But yeah getting rid of so much crap was a blessing or a little soul cleansing of sorts. I am putting up the remainder or my belongings as we speak. I still don’t have a bed in here to sleep on since I threw my old two out, and to who that may concern… I will be sending you instructions on where to send the new frame and mattress, because I want it shipped directly here since I now have learned the true colors of SOME of my friends through this whole moving experience.

I also have a small unenclosed backyard that I want to get one of those spikes you put in the ground and attach a chain to for my doggie love cakes to play outside on.

A little info about my new place:

I have two bedrooms like before but am not sure yet what I am going to do with the other bedroom. I considered getting a roommate but considering I hate most people it would have to be a VERY special friend.

I have a balcony that looks like a possible death trap, but I’ll promise to keep away from the edge when I am drinking. Other than that it’s pretty neat… I can imagine sitting out there and reading books or chilling online on my wireless internet that I have yet to call and set up since I have no phone here… Blah.

I still can’t find the light switch for my bedroom which I think is pure crazy. When you design an apartment how the hell are you going to hide the light switch? Anyways, my bedroom is flipping amazing. The walls are the perfect hello kitty pink which matches all my bedroom crap like my covers and wall stickers and what have you. I will be excited to finally receive my bed and get that room completely set.

The animal babies love the new place. Snack (cat) took awhile to warm up though, she was a little freaked out at first but Jeb (dog) took the new place like the back of his paw.

Now I want to share a little about my horrible moving experience. You know that guy I considered my best friend? Steve? Yeah he is a farce. Fuck him totally. I mean you should have seen him. Every five minutes he was at my throat yelling about, “Why do I have to help you move? Why can’t you ask someone else? Why is this MY responsibility? Boo Hoo I am a big fucking baby.” Seriously, When I was packing and I asked him to take each box I packed to his truck after he took each box he came back and stopped me from packing to complain. I thought friends helped each other with this kind of thing? If Leslie was in town I know we would have had a good ass time moving my shit. Why does everything have to be such a burden on Steve? He even blamed me for his failure to complete some assignment that he has been putting off, yet whenever I wouldn’t be around and he said he was going to work on it he would either be sleeping or out drinking… I hate when people can’t take responsibility for their own damn actions.

I love Steve very much and I wish it wasn’t like this but I think I am going to have to stay away from him for awhile. I know he loves me as well, but I have come to the conclusion that he must harbor some type of resentment towards me. Most likely he is secretly pissed deep down because I never buckled down and dedicated myself to him as a girlfriend and he hates that I was never his property. I just couldn’t be doing that during the time I was with him. I mean I have only ever been in long term relationships and basically I just needed a break but the mistake was that I failed to realize that having sex with some people equates a dedicated relationship. Not to say that’s wrong. Honestly I am ready to settle back down with an awesome guy… If I ever find one.

For a long time I was fucking nuts in all honestly and I feel like I have been doing quite a bit better and I think being in this new place is an even farther step in the right direction. Lets look over my history here…

I made the mistake of ruining the best relationship with a dude I ever had to do some really dumb stuff that ended up not being such a great idea. Or at least it wasn’t a great Idea to go about it in that fashion. I was angry and guilty about it so I punished myself by staying with an extremely mentally abusive and neglecting asshole of a boyfriend. I couldn’t leave because I thought I deserved to lay in the very bed I had made for myself. THEN on top of this I was raped. I was having a really hard time coming to terms with that whole thing and figuring out that NO I wasn’t to blame for the evil in him that he forced into me. I am sure you can imagine how much of a journey to recovery this was if you know ANYTHING about rape.

After this happened and I was still with the said asshole, he actually had the nerve to tell me I was lying and I was just being dramatic, furthering my self doubt and self criticism about that whole ordeal. When I finally worked up the nerve to break away from him I though everything was going to be awesome since I was starting my relationship with Jay and he was everything I dreamed of. I thought he was the answer to all my ails and trust me I had many depressing points that caused me to want to implode.

For awhile everything was amazing until I realized that I infused a insane possessiveness and jealous streak in him because of the way I am naturally. (Flirty, exhibitionistic, narcissistic, ect.) This streak eventually turned violent and that truly broke my heart for like what I thought was the last time I could take it. I turned violent as well in return and the relationship was in a downward spiral… during which time I acted out by cheating on him with Steve. I regret that to some degree as I know no one deserves that. The right thing to do would have been to end the relationship before giving into anything with Steve, but when you are in the mix of a crisis you can make shitty decisions especially if you truly love the person and hope it will eventually straighten itself out. Well as you can see it didn’t.

I have also been curse (or hopefully eventually this will turn into a blessing) of a poly-amorous mind. So during two of those relationship I fell in love with and proceeded to engage in two very valuable affairs with two separate women. I can understand why that was heart breaking for both guys that it happened to, but I have to say I can’t regret falling in love. Can you? I am not sure exactly how I should handle those things in the future, if they should happen again. I wish that if I have a perfect match out there he would be ok with these affairs and understanding that I need them to survive this bleak world. It doesn’t mean I love him any less. Although, I can imagine if he were to fall in love with another girl I would be heart broken as well. Maybe there is just not a solution to this conundrum considering most losers that would be ok with that, only are because they think it’s hot or that thy may be able to get into the action whish is disgusting to imagine sharing two people I love in that way.

The point of that rant on my passed relationships was to prove I needed a god damned break to heal myself from all my disappointments and failure. I needed time to turn what seems like a series of unfortunate events into a positive journey to better self understanding. In turn, I can successfully report that has now come to pass and I am ready to move on to bigger and better things.

As you can probably recognize, I feel like a new baby being reintroduced to this world. I am looking at things with a curiosity that suggests magic is afoot. I am getting back into the things that used to make me happy, such as herbal magic and fashion. I haven’t dressed myself like I have been proud of what my garments package in a long time and damnit I want to feel beautiful and take pride in myself in a new positive way. I am NOT just the merchandise of what I sell on my website, but I am a living breathing and beautiful human being and I refuse to allow you, me or anyone else to taint that. I will persevere and find new magic within this world.

With that being said, I do appreciate Steve for being there for me during this tough time and I feel bad in my heart that I can’t give him what he wants. I do love him and maybe that will become a monogamous relationship one day in the future but at this time I think may have exhausted our usefulness to each other and need to move on in order to be happy healthy people. Which is extremely sad and depressing for me, as he was a very good friend but I refuse to put up with him treating me like I am such a hassle to deal with and that I should be so lucky that he is taking time or of his action packed day to grace me with his Godly presence.

Fuck that, sweetie you have that twisted. I am the fucking star in this corner of the universe. You are lucky to be sharing your time with such an amazing and beautifully complicated being such as myself. I plan on surrounding myself with people that encourage good things from me and don’t mind lending a hand to help get me there. I don’t have time for people that are bothered by me using up their time or asking them for help on something that could have been really fun.

So beyond this when I said earlier that I realized that “some” people I considered friends were really just hanging out with me because I am convent and possibly boost their self esteem in many ways, I really meant Steve.

Steve helped me move my heavy ass hold out couch to his house for safe keeping so we could get it to my new apartment when I received the keys. Then when he was supposed to help me and another friend get it into my place (up stairs, this was a difficult task.) He copped out to play fucking video games and go out drinking. I suspect he was just trying to punish me for his own jealousy for hanging out with someone other than him, yet he complains about how when I do hang out with him I prevent him from doing what he wants and he hates doing things for me.

So me and this other person got this HUGE ass couch in my apartment. It was a pretty amazing feat. The bad news is that in the process because of how we had to do it considering I am a small girl and he’s not that freaking strong of a guy we tore up the couch upholstery in various places and that sucks considering it was a brand fucking new couch but, since Steve wouldn’t fucking help us it had to be done… Also we broke the bottom hinge off of my front door and broke the fold out part of the couch so that it won’t fold out now. But I am still stoked it’s even up in my apartment. I can’t believe we got it in here.

In other non-moving news I have decided and began to go through the daunting task of stripping the black hair color out of my hair and bleaching it to an acceptable blond for summer. So far I have stripped the color and bleached it twice. It’s really REALLY light blonde but it has this horrible orange color that I haven’t been able to get rid of yet. It’s pretty embarrassing but by this time next week it will look dope as hell because I have stuff coming in the mail to fix it. I had one of my very sweet droids send me the supplies off of my wish list to fix it. He ordered me this shampoo and conditioner with purple toner in it called shimmer lights, and a new color to put on top of the crap results I have now to make it chill out, and a semi permanent toner to keep it looking fresh as hell. So I just somehow have to live with the orange head until I can reach the results that I really want and can buy some weave hair that matches so I can go back to having my long hair.

Well it’s noon and I probably won’t get to post this until way later seeing as how I will need to walk down to the coffee shop to do so and I want to take a shower and stuff first since I have not done so all through this nasty sweaty and shitty moving experience. I was going to attempt to make a home made toner to combat the brassiness in my hair with some old manioc panic purple hair color that I have mixed with like some conditioner or something. I hope It doesn’t end up looking worse than it already does. Holler.

3pm update:

Since I have yet to stroll down to penny lane and check my internet crap, I’ll go ahead and let you guys know what happened with my hair. I mixed the purple hair color with conditioner and it still took way to much but only in certain spots so basically I ended up with lavender and orange hair. So I just went ahead and threw the rest of the purple color in only to realize It wasn’t enough to color my whole head so I had to use the rest of this Atlantic blue color I had to cover the rest o the orange. At first I was pretty disappointed but I have come to terms with it, as it doesn’t look too bad. It actually looks pretty neat. Maybe since this is semi perm, when it fades the blue/purple will like nullify the yellow/orange colors and I can color it blonde from there? Plus in all honestly I need to wait awhile before I put anymore harsh permanent color in my hair because my scalp is like dying.

My other bed is my fave. It’s just a futon mattress I sleep on that lies directly on the floor. The reason I am considering throwing it out is because I have had it for YEARS and for the first long while I had it I never put a sheet or anything over it and well that’s kind of gross when you think about it. I do want another futon though I know for sure. I like the whole Japanese esthetic of the bed being on the floor. So yeah you can bed I put a new futon mattress on my wish list so get to buying it for me ASAP. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/33ANQ3F4QAXE8

I had been sitting here for about 3 hours now. I'm downloading update word Microsoft Vista, is taking forever. It's driving me up the fucking wall. I learned I have an option on my computer to speak into it as transcribes what I say into whenever program I'm using. Do any of you have that? Maybe it's something Microsoft this that has exclusively, but it's pretty awesome.

So like if I was writing a paper I could totally speak it out loud. How easy would that make writing papers? That you wish you had this option and your computer. Right now I'm just practicing writing in word document, but I plan on writing a bunch of blog entries this way. I mean all I have to do is just say things out loud.

Any ways, I just slept for like 20 hours because I took some geodon to make myself go to sleep. I had slept in like a day. However this was a bad idea considering it probably could died. Also apparently I said some really crazy shit to Steve on the phone. I guess he came over too check and see if a still alive but I have no recollection of that. I had thought someone knocked on the door, but I was too fucked up to answer it (or so I thought).

I have a list of things that I would like to get done before I have to be out this week. I never told you are not, but I am now being evicted and I have no place to go. I wanted to move in the hotel down the street but I found out that they don't have any openings the other day. So I'm fucking screwed.

There's no way I can move back in with my grandma considering I have two pets that she doesn't want to deal with. Plus there's really not any room at her place for us. Sometimes I want to just disappear. OK not disappear, but are really just want to get out of this town. I mean, everyone I know is here but sometimes I feel like I just don't fit in. Ha ha. I Sound like a freaking degrassi kid, being angsty and all.

I have a little money saved to get a new place but it's just hard with my bad credit and now eviction on my record. I don't know why life can't be easily. Everyone else seems so taking care of, but not me. People's parents pay their rent and pay their tuition for school but I have always had to go it alone and it's just not fair. It's also not fair that I lost my mind and had to quit working at scores. But that's not even the issue, they are evicting me for bullshit reasons.

I hate exposing myself like this and letting people know that unreal vulnerable human. I constantly bicker with myself about whether I want to portray myself as is magical fairy goddess that makes a living online and has no real problems, however this is not true obviously. I'm a real human, A girl with problems that lives in the real world. Yes I get needed for a living and they also boss people around for a living like the fucking bitch I am. Money is not the issue at hand. It's the fact that my landlord is a fucking idiot. They are pissed that I don't keep my house straight as if that fucking matters as I've never had any problems with bugs or anything. It's not dirty, it's just

messy. So what's the big deal?

Well and I'm ranting about that. I'm mainly just wanted to check out this talking thing on my Sony laptop. And blow off some steam about is whole eviction thing. If you have any suggestions on apartments that are close to downtown Evansville write me an e-mail is something.

Yeah it’s not really new it’s the same old cam, but if you lost access to my amazing world when my first account got shut down you can reintroduce yourself with the newly created portal listed above.

Facebook however had no way listed to contact them in such a case of your account being mysteriously closed down. At least Justin.tv notified me of this occurrence, with facebook I found this out purely by accident. All I had on there were a few possibly sexy pictures but nothing nude or even freaking implied nude. I however DID have my site listed as my current employment. Perhaps that was just a little too much for the uptight rightwing “powers that be”.

I am now going through my myspace profile with a fine tooth comb to try to make the attempt to prevent it from being randomly shut down as well. I have heard of TONS of sex workers (including porn actors and actresses, cam performers, escorts and adult modeling agencies) having their myspace pages shut the fuck down and already having my page hacked into once for some loser fuck to just call me names because he doesn’t get laid… sigh. Well I just don’t want to deal with it again.

My response to my buddies myspace blog entry:

Have you ever had more than 4 jobs at one time?

When I was in high school I was so into the idea of looking like I had it all together that I taught dance lessons, studied dance for about 15-20hrs a week other than teaching, worked at Fucking Marshals, Worked at a head shop and looked at everyone in disgust that cam in because I was amazingly happy sober and I felt sorry for those that smoked the wacky tabacy. Also worked at Hot Topic and hated all the people my age that shopped there in the stranded lonely effort trying to look like they also had it together, although luckily their parent provided the money for that and they never had a job ever. I was equally as happy as was miserable but the struggle felt like pure sex... You know also with going to high school AND taking night college classes because I had it THAT fucking tight.

I just want you to know that I don't do anything now but sit around on my ass wasting time and worrying that I have absolutely no real friend and fearing if my electricity will be turned off today and will the cops come and finally through me and my little family of me my cat and my labradoodle out on the street? FUCK THE GOD DAMNED STRESS I CAN CUT IT WITH A FUCKING KNIFE... up in here, up in here.

Have you ever been told that the sight of your naked body wasn’t worth a set amount of money?

Maybe sort of yes. I had some dark lonely ugly moment of worthlessness at snores and although I miss the quick, mindless, drunken and debaucherous moments of "OMG I CAN REALLY PAY ALL MY BILLS< BUY NEW FUCKING CLOTHES ANNNNNND! STILL GO OUT TO NAGASAKI AND PAY FOR ALL MY FRIENDS TO SHARE IN A 300 DOLLAR FEAST CELEBRATING MY TRUE Independence. Yeah fucking right, you mean my dependency on alcohol to coast through yet another night of self loathing. Oh yeah and drunkenly make some shitty decisions just for good measure. Sometimes I wonder if getting fired from here was a blessing or a curse. I'm broke, but am I more happy? It's hard to tell, I do drink considerably less of course. I want to call and check my pride and beg CB to plz take me back but I know how worthless he thinks I am, or maybe that's my self esteem talking again?

Have you ever driven as fast as you could down a rainy country road, in the tiny hope that your car would wreck?

UM YES. Every week at least once coming from Scores. It was however very public. It was in fact Second street, and I live on it.

Have you ever been terrified that you took the wrong path?

Yes but I realize or possibly hope everything I have ever been through will be of some help for the future and so far it has been. I would also like to work with sexually abused women and try to help them work through the healing process. I would just like to state I wasn't raped until I was 21, I wasn't sexually molested, most likely at least.

Have you ever gone into the bathroom and screamed as loud as you could, hoping someone would come hug you?

Like everyday, however I am the only one here.

Do you know someone who acts according to a lifestyle, to fit in a crowd, to belong to an ideal? Did they ever have to try hard to do anything? Did you? Did you succeed? Did you want to?

I have both lived and experienced it and it's a really sad epidemic of the young poor (though still pulling "middleclass") group of fuckers in this country. To this group, I myself also belong.

Have you ever been backed into a corner with nowhere to go but inside?

It's either back inside or try to get away with laying in the street and awaiting death.

Alright I am not ALWAYS this fucking sad and depressing but I had a bad fucking day and your vent inspired mine. I hope it was good for you too:)

Does anyone else watch that show Journey Man? I flipping love it. I accidentally started watching it when I ran out of Heroes episodes to watch online and now I am addicted. Speaking of Heroes are they going to come back and let us know what happened to Nikki/Jessica or just fucking leave us hanging until next season? I am fucking pissed about the writers strike fucking up my second season of Heroes.

So I Haven’t been writing in awhile. I am a total scatterbrain right now. I can’t stay on task or figure out what I am doing at all. As a matter of fact I might get up in the middle of writing this blog and go for a walk and grab a Ski from the machine down the street. Yeah NOT ON TASK! OFF TASK!

I have a long list of things I need to be doing for myself, my site and well whatever but I can’t seem to get anything on it done. I need assistants or something, I’m too much of a ADD drunk to figure out schedules and lists. Who wants to volunteer?

Check it and wreck it.

Also I know this is the most interesting thing ever but I organized my wish list into different sections. You can see the different sections on the left. Go buy me stuff, I find it very entertaining to receive loads of gifts in the mail every day. It’s refreshingJ

Alright I am off to join some more freaking top sites and get ready for the trip by cleaning my house and shit.

1. Girls, do you wear the same basic make-up everyday or do you switch it up? What’s your MUST HAVE products?

2. Men, would you date a girl that has my job. Why or why not?

3. What’s your favorite pop flavor? I am about to run and get a yummy diet Ski.