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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Pan Female Switch, 51,  Olivehurst, California
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TripleDkitty - Olivehurst, California

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*Warrior Princess Submissive if you arent aware, as I wasnt, it is interesting. (Unless, you dont read, in which case you wouldnt be interested in me either.) I was gratified to FINALLY be pointed in the right direction. I would say, after years of being involved in the lifestyle. My role is no longer ambiguous. My personality remains more dominant than many of those who consider themselves Dom. If you believe a woman is an appendage of you to make your life more comfortable, please, miss me with ALL of that wank elsewhere. Thank you very much. Peace. If you manage to read, to the end of this profile, the ME that started this journey is not who I am today.

Currently, Iv directed my passion into climate activism learning as much as I can about the environment, what I can do to make a difference in the days years to come. My Heroes, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Mark Blyth, Richard Dawkins continue to inspire me in ways I wasnt allowed to consider before. Taking the reigns leading the charge, are simple. These ruling tasks come easy for me, it is in the surrender that I am careful with. Taking off the make-up, giving in, submission, becoming vulnerable that is the true challenge but every Tom, Joe Harry Schmoe does not get this. It is cliche how many use it for a prop in their profile, but immediately run to kink talk. Droll. You, my dear, are a dime a ba-zillion.

At this point in life, I have to say, not giving a fuk is such a joy. PEACE good luck in your journey, wherever it takes you.
I really like some suggestions Ive found for unowned submissivesslaves, I can think of a few dominants who might like to give this a read, its quite extensive.

Unowned subs should never play or participate in any activity that is demanded of them. Unowned subs participate by request, not by demand. Only an owner has the right to demand action from a submissive. No ownership equals no demand. Even if the submissive enjoys what is being demanded, she should still refuse the demand. By obeying the demand, the submissive sets a precedent of unearned obedience. Even a single display of this can trigger predatorprey sensors of rouge dominants. It is a weakness they can exploit. Unowned subs have the right to negotiate every request made of them and refuse unwanted aspects.

Do not give this right away.

BDSM What is it that we do?

The Doctrine Of The Unowned Submissive

Complete change of character since I started here many years ago. I have the same voice, but my entire out look has changed. I appreciate those of you who have made the trip into adulthood, worthwhile.

It continues to be an interesting journey. Thank You )













 Female Switch



 Willing to Relocate

 5' 8"

 290 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Dominant Transgender

Submissive Transgender

Dominant Female

Dominant Male

Submissive Female

Submissive Male

Switch Women

Switch Men

Domme/Dom Couples

Sub/Sub Couples

Femdom Couples

Mascdom Couples

Friends Only

 Lives For:


 Hair Pulling


 Science Fiction

 Intellectual Discourse


 Lifestyle BDSM (Beginner)





 Local BDSM Community



 Outdoor Bondage (Beginner)


 Political Activism (Beginner)

 Veganism (Beginner)

 Alternative Music


 EMO Music

 Folk Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Industrial Music

 New Age Music

 New Wave

 Nineties Music


 Rock Music

 Seventies Music

 Show Tunes






 Blue Grass

 Classical Music

 Country Music

 Eighties Music

 Electronica / EDM


 Heavy Metal Music


 Opera Music


 Pop Music

 Punk Rock Music



 Curious About:

 Electrical Play

 Fire Play (Beginner)

 Sensory Deprivation






 Sky Diving



 Hard Limits:


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Journal Entries:
6/27/2017 6:08:57 AM
If somebody is barely literate in English, it may be a tad difficult to communicate with someone verbose, who writes a lot. A point to ponder perhaps.

10/10/2016 12:35:46 PM
What can I say, that is who I was. This is who I am. Anyone using this information, bla bla bla... legal, bla... like I am going to do jack sh!t about it *jerk off motion* because, this is the internet. Control issue much? HACK the planet. Troll the morons. Do what you do, in the end... we're left with Trump. Someone forgot to warn them, the Hampton's aren't a defensible position...grab your pitchforks & BBQ sauce. 

I don't know why so many "doms" say subs & slaves do not get to, have to, "SHOULD" not have needs, wants, express, whatever... DUDE if you are negotiating with someone, that is the TIME when you GET to figure out what your partners needs, desires, wants, etc. are & how, YOU, yes, YOU are going to fulfill them, because contrary to pop-culture & some dick-wads making this all about them, this is power-exchange, not break your toy & fu@k up everything in the playground because you are a douche bag so nobody can play with it anymore. It is SAFE.... SANE... & CONSENSUAL.

IF.... after making an agreement to submit to you because THEY feel you are the best for them, you want to boss & bully, GREAT for you all!!! GO TEAM. But the throngs of clueless fizzelsticks that think "dom" means waving a flogger around makes them the king of beasts & they get their pick of vaginas, please don't tell my wife, turn on that cam, b!tch, can fu@k the he!! off 31 ways to Sunday & I'm not saying that any nicer.  Please, go fu@k yourself? How many lifestyle subs/slaves are literally ruined by you assh@les online who know dick about the responsibility it takes to care for the needs of a partner? Do us all a favor & slide your happy lil' asses off to porn land & get out of the dungeon. That's a good wanker ~ Off with you now~ 

5/16/2014 8:55:19 AM

So.... you are "kinky?" Really? If that is all you know about this lifestyle & how worthy of respect you are.... I laugh in your general direction! =-) 

4/11/2014 1:47:44 PM

This is some old stuff... I don't like to get rid of it completely, as I have found visiting the past can show me the way forward when I get turned around. 

It shouldn't surprise me, but somehow always does, how many "real" lifestyle participants think Power Exchange is about sex and kink...I do not. A great many individuals didn't have the same lessons I did as an infant, (If you do not have something nice to say...why would you message the person to get a false ego boost? I find it rather pathetic & birds of a feather don't interest me in the least, perhaps you will be better served... fucking off?!) 
I sound really defensive and... aggressive as I reread this, not sure if it is completely inaccurate so I'll leave it for now. (update in journal)
I did find something for my "to try list" if in fact you are curious about my proclivity to sexual=physical exploration.https://.com/users/74737/posts/1443753

 explained here, called the chain trick. 

My partner can not (& will not pretend) change for me.  (I still am not sure a submissive "changes" for their partner, perhaps adapts is a better word?) If you want a 22 year old, perky, model, without issues or baggage, (& good luck with that!!) I am not it, I am quite often an arsehole. The only demand that I make of my partner, is that you know who you are.  A strong person doesn't hide or apologize for it, doesn't need to demean others to express themselves & develops whatever characteristic is out of balance, (I don't believe we are defective, every personality "flaw" is there for a reason, when we discover what that is, we can grow) and has confidence (not empty blustering accompanied by ego) which stems from action.  Introspection is hot! (If you don't believe you have any flaws, you should probably pass on this profile as well!) Humor is a great tool, and humility can't be beat! I crave someone that can keep up a conversation BUT isn't a judgmental asshole who doesn't recognize that is not "dom."  If you are racist, hateful, ugly in nature, or just plain mean, please do us both a favor & forget me. (You probably didn't make it this far unless you were trying to think up a good 'fat' joke to send me, I have heard them all but if you are feeling froggy!! ;) I am honest about my weakness', working to discover my strengths, & embarking on a journey that (hopefully) will continue moving in a positive direction, if you believe I should have gotten there without bruising myself up, *shrugs* I am sure to disappoint you. I am  highly motivated to move forward but I need focus & direction which are NOT my strong points. I think there are salvageable aspects of my personality, but I know there are many which need recycling. I have tried & failed most of my life to do this on my own; with less than spectacular results. I admit that I have an abundance of irritating quirks, some of them I enjoy, others I would happily have carved from me. I would like to achieve physical wellness & beauty before I'm 50 but that will require a great deal of work and someone up for the challenge.  If I were better at these things, would I need you? I WANT to want you, but right now I do need serious guidance. Obviously.  

I am not a house trained, no drama, obedient pet. I rarely come across sweet & demure, nor would I want to, EXCEPT to the One who has earned that from me. (Yes I said "earned," but it is more like chess than the Olympics ) If I never find mine, I am beginning to be at peace with that, but I do hold hope, deep within my dreamers heart, there is One I can kneel to, someday. 

On my own journey. In dealing with my personal recovery, I find my shameless acting abrasive rather unnecessary. For so many years I have known things intellectually but been incapable of processing them, then used the "failure" to repeat the cycle of self loathing.  Now that I'm cognizant of it, the cost of maintaining this far outweighs the pay off. I have kept this profile, pretty much in tact because it has become a way to track my own personal growth & maturing process.
Welcome to RED'S place:
If  you believe D/s is your excuse to act like a petulant child, I have all ready raised my own sons, please find a door-mat submissive who doesn't know or appreciate her own sexuality, quality & worth. Read no further if what you seek is a brainless sex doll to tryst with after dropping the kids off at school and letting the wife pat you on the arse as she lets you off her leash. I don't lie, neither should you. 

My leash will not tether me to an insecure boy/girl, but will let me fly higher, farther, faster, knowing that I am protected & safe because You are tenderly reining me in from my curiosity & self destructive nature.  If you are not capable of this, please do not waste our time. 

Negativity & spiritual bankruptcy have no power over me, unless I give in to it. 

WELCUM to my (Red'z)  Profile 

Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.

Betty Friedan

(1921 - 2006)


The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.

      Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809 - 1892)


Since I have been a profile here on CM for many years, I've had some wonderful opportunities to meet many types of individuals who have come into my life, stayed and remained, friends or acquaintances, or moved on for various reasons, which I 'pray' enriches us A/all! ( )I CHOOSE to be blessed by each contact even when it might SEEM negative and for the most part~I try to learn from others *wEg* 


Power~Exchange is a beautiful interaction and extension of that relationship! I also tend to believe that, each of us is responsible for what we 'get' out of life~either we embrace what we are walking through, run from it, or fight everything, everyone, even (mostly?) ourselves until the lesson is learned, growth happens, and the journey might progress.  I can stay stuck for as long or short a time as is right for me, I can get OFF the down~ward elevator any floor by pushing the button~I don't have to wait until it gets to the basement below the cellar! (Thank GOD hard heads make for soft...everything else?!) Update to DATE: 11/2001 I am healing, cleaning up the wreckage I have made of myself and my life AND "stuffs gettin' better all the time!"  (trivia note! Kevin Cosner says that quote in WHAT movie!??)



''I've known rivers: 

Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.''

Langston Hughes (1902-1967), U.S. poet. The Negro Speaks of Rivers



I really need to fill E/everyone in on my “absence” and update since my untimely near demise!!! LOL I AM alive and kicking! After my move, my appendix ruptured and I thought..(Stubborn lass!) A nice bath and relaxation would help…but it didn’t! Finally, my friends made me (And I do mean MADE me!) go to ER and find out what was going on, where they ushered me into emergency surgery *yuck* took out what was left of the offending organ, cleaned out anything (hopefully) that might cause infection, and made me stay under observation for almost 2 weeks! NICE vacation…I am another few pounds lighter lol but I can’t understand why they didn’t take MORE out while I was under!!! Muhahahaha…Anywho…I am BLESSED with a reaffirmation of LIFE, love, and the pursuit of happiness…once more I get to reassess my priorities and discover what is vital TODAY! A gift is given us in every experience, if only we look at it that way…If anything, I know that NOW is the time to live…carpe diem! Okay, Okay, after I heal up a bit…hehe but I don’t want to wait TOO long because we never know how long we have!!!

UPDATE!  I have just lost another 50lbs.
               --towards my goal--

I will not be posting new my belief still lies in the core value that D/s is in the mind, heart, soul, emotions, and then the body...I expressed what my goals were...when I do post my hot pictures in tight leather, (and lace, of course...*weg*) I believe the responses will be less than what I wish, as far as intelligence goes!  Besides...I all ready posted the "skinny" LOL don't we all? Something about...putting your *cough* 'breast' foot forward...


not FAT    just temporarily...fluffy!!

Who would like to join this enthusiastic red head freckle faced Irish lass for a walk in the park, swim at the beach, or health food picnic at the state fair?


I'm a GEMINI, I love learning and am open to trying just about anything at least once...I am happiest on the water. I love boating, swimming, fishing, and want to learn to scuba dive, sail, and kayak, not to mention Jet Ski. I don’t want to JUMP into a “relationship” overnight. I don’t believe power exchange or any other relationship works that way but I certainly won’t be able to trust someone with 41 years of obstinacy, brattiness, and SHREWISHNESS to tame, in a day or two. I have never been trained or collared and have a  strong, independent and fiery  personality. (and tell LOTS of bad jokes) While that may seem like a contradiction, it really shouldn’t be for the right One.  My hard limits are No kids, animals, scats, edge play, permanent marks, death, or breath play. I THINK that is it as far as I know. There are other things I have read about that I have serious doubts about, but I will discuss.  

Life’s greatest gift is in learning to understand one another...that comes with time, friendship, and knowing yourself.  Did I mention that I tell really bad jokes, can be a bit of a geek, get caught up when reading the thesaurus, but have friends who have been loyal for over 25 years despite the eye rolling, nose holding, puns! To know me is to eventually learn to tolerate me!

P.S. BAD Jokes don't always come across in chat but 99% of the time I have a Smirky Grin LOL even if I am the ONLY one in the room laughing at my own funny!!!  I do NOT ever meant to be hurtful or disrespectful so if it comes across that way PLEASE pm me and let me know I will quickly apologize and try to make amends!!!

8/13/2013 6:18:17 AM

Once more, I have found the need to block someone after not being on here for weeks. I hate to do it, but if you are both a moron & a control freak, the last thing you "need" is a slave. Please do all real subs/slaves a favor & grow up, find your big boy panties & get a hint that you don't have any power whatsoever over the internet. >.> 

That is all, have a nice day,


4/23/2013 1:20:10 PM

 Deeper Dominance Displayed~ 

Rough Draft/a work in progress by: Melissa Evans


The room shrinks when I enter. I stride into the space, filling it, making it mine. Murmurs hush around me but I pay no attention, it is time to teach. My eyes touch the faces of the crowd, lingering like a caress on each eager expression, reading them like literature. I never have to clear my throat for silence.


They fall still before me; I accept their offering of respect as my due. My right. I don't have to picture them naked, they are unclothed before me when I look upon each of them. Every nuance, expression, the words they say but more from what they don't tells me more than they are comfortable with me knowing.

I must comfort those who are bristling from this knowledge, smooth the ego which protects them from themselves. It is an illusion. We all know this. The strong ones surrender easily, comfortable in their submission. They bow before me with a natural grace that compliments them, me, the world. It is like a dance they have mastered and I accept their hearts with the same dignity.

I do not stand at the podium, it is sterile. I enter the group like intercourse, smooth, touching each trembling nerve making it writhe in anticipation, watching the blood rise to the surface but holding back the riding crop, teasing.

Each pair of eyes holds a secret I must tease forth. My lips are salty and sweet at the same time. The lecture weaves through their minds, plays in their deepest cravings which I welcome, without shame. Guiltily, they come forward for me to stroke their hair. It cost me nothing to be magnanimous.

They are not weak. Once I thought all were idiots who surrendered, but no longer. I value each open expression for its sincerity, trust, mutual respect. These tools are like my children and there is a peace in that. Mentor, guide, instruct, while teaching them to value themselves, a path I stumbled on but treasure. For a time, I resisted until I almost grew bitter. Why? My self pity used to haunt me in the early hours when sleep would not come. Who am I? I am not strong? I can carry the world...until dawn.

As I approach the back of the room, handing out compliments with my spread sheets, the energy shifts. One man is leaning against the back wall, observing me while I work the room, taking in my craft,

Our eyes lock, there is no hostility or debate, merely understanding. He knows me. I bow internally to the understanding. He recognizes but is not threatened by my knowing him and for a moment, I stutter. Off balance. Comfortable hiding as the center of attention, with a look he has stripped that away. I am seen. Without words he knows that I would follow him, without question, let him strengthen my weakness' as I am wont to do, with everyone. His nod doesn't dismiss me, but sends me out to perform as I must, give of myself as I will, and holds my hair, tugging, insistent. I know he is as eager for my return as I am to kneel.

I no longer have to carry the world, alone. For that, I give you everything. I offer you my worship. I beg you to receive, me.

4/5/2013 10:00:36 AM

This week the physical therapist told me I would never walk (normal?) again. 

When my thyroid stopped working and I was dealing with the back problems and other health issues, they said I would never stand and walk at all. After my MRI and all that BS, these experts asked...HOW are you walking? 

I told them that I really liked to eat and last time I checked, nobody was bringing my food to me!! lol I believe in homeostasis (the body's ability to heal itself) but have not always been able to act on it. Getting angry or defensive seems to have become a sort of first step for me, then acceptance, finally action. I have always struggled with the action piece often getting bogged down in theory or ideas, paralyzed by unreasonable emotion. 

Today, I am quite literally, taking baby steps. I do believe there is a time and place for stubbornness and argument. Learning when and where it best serves me would probably be ...good! lol I give myself a year because we are what we believe and I have always believed I could fly! 



2/23/2013 8:47:43 AM

At the suggestion of a friend, I watched "The Secretary." While the acting was fair, the film was not particularly noteworthy but my reaction to it was. I wept that so few understand the dynamics of what is possible in a relationship based on honesty & power exchange. I wept that I could perceive the possibilities,  yet seem doomed or cursed to crave what is beyond my grasp. I wept for joy of the 'happy' American ending that I once imagined. I wept...  I believe, "Whose Afraid of Virginia Wolfe," speaks much deeper and true to power exchange, both terrible & wonderful than the empty, pasty work of this age. 

2/9/2013 7:53:44 AM

I just read my hundredth profile that stated, I want this or that appearance, then proceeds to rant & rave about people being superficial, girls lying or stealing, upset because a female has the NERVE to specify they would like a nice car or comfortable home. Does anyone else out there see the irony? 

I said to a 'dom' that I (ALMOST!) believed that to have learned the things I am learning, I had to let go of the crutches of beauty, possessions, even health & family, only to hear an hour tirade about how beautiful people had feelings too. I know. I used to be...different when I was younger, prettier, thinner, had things...once all that is stripped away, either you find out what you are made of or you fall apart. I did a bit of both. 

I do not care if you are 4 foot tall & covered in shag carpet. I do not care if you 22 or 82 tall, thin, pale, dark, or what culture you relate to. I could care less what car you drive or if you have money (which is meaningless in the grand scheme of things) or like me, are starting over with nothing. These are external. If you are obese & fail to see the sense in dealing with that, then how can you support or even understand my research into health, wellness, & fitness? Dealing with eating & lifestyle is (in my experience) tougher than for a junkie finding recovery or a sex addict, in his prime, to admit there just MIGHT be something deeper going on. It isn't until the body quits, can't find a sex partner or a drug to meet the need anymore that one will slow down enough to look inward. I am not a sex addict. lol 


I DO care about who you are. If you don't know or care to find out who that is, how can you hope to partner anyone, let alone me? I will state, for the record, if you are racist, spiteful, malicious, or just plain mean to cause others harm, (not a lifestyle sadist who is a dichotomy- helping & healing a masochist while hurting doesn't count-that is a form of love.) I will not deal with it in a relationship. I think there is honesty in being an 'asshole' that salvage the negative connotations, but an individual who is in so much pain & denial that they don't even wish to find a way to the other side without causing harm, will never be knelt before by me & usually they are the last to see it. If you toss beer bottles at homeless people, if you get road rage, if you want service unconditionally but are unable to wash a hookers feet in fine oil...then you might be a red 

Please do not misunderstand, I do not think "I am better than" it is just that I would rather associate myself with the homeless, half insane, whore who has (just maybe) learned something about unconditional love. 

1/21/2013 2:16:32 PM


If you have no understanding of what is being discussed here, I do not think we will have anything to talk about. 


If you haven't the time, energy, or willingness to reach outside yourself to understand another, you do not deserve MY service. Just my opinion, but a hard road has brought me this awareness and no person, place, or thing is more valuable than the wisdom of experience and introspection. 

1/2/2013 5:46:00 PM

I have not, in over a decade found it necessary to block anyone no matter how rude or obnoxious they may have appeared to me. I have always felt it was the higher path to look at things from another's perspective so that I might grow from the exchange. 

This is a new year & I have discovered that my time is precious. I will not be wasting what little I have left. 

11/12/2012 8:59:20 AM

I am ever amused by the profiles that say how rude people are here. I would have to say, most of my personal interactions have been either highly amusing or friendly; I appreciate both. 

I have had the random encounter where an individual will for their own amusement message me about how ugly or NOT submissive I am, then block any reasonable answer which I find as pleasurable as the stray cock photos I get from time to time.  *WEG* As much as I work on being polite in such cases, my warped sense of humor can get the best of me...

If You wish a weekend trist while the wifey is out of town, I may very well tell You to man up, talk to her, and perhaps to Your surprise and pleasure, she will wish to join you. But there is something so very unattractive about lies and sneaking around which I do not associate with power-exchange. I can and will trust you, to be human, on the shady side with not hope of honesty on the horizon...just sayin' that I will not serve someone on ANY level, whom I can't trust.

If you are looking for someone to bang or exchange private pictures with, (why do I feel I must say this, again? I am certain that whosoever would request that of me, hasn't read the first line of ...any profile or a book in years! ) there are certainly more appropriate venues for that than MY male box! lol 


3/22/2012 4:59:47 PM

"What are you doing, slave?"

"I am watching, Master."

"And you see?"

 "I am seeing the many lost slaves online. So many, giving themselves to be seen, for affection, love, or attention without seeing or knowing themselves." 

  "What does this mean, slave?"

 "They fail to understand. Their value is within them, Sir because they don't have a real One to guide them. Instead, Lost men seek validation for their own inadequacies who know not, the way to lead, direct, and discipline which will bring both to a fullness of themselves and the union."

 With a gentle nod, "And?"

 "And I grieve for my sisters and brothers. I remember my endless time before finding You. AND," she bows her head and lowers her eyes flushing, "I am eterturnally thankful that I have been brought to Your feet, Master."

 With a finger he lifts her chin to look into her eyes.  "This means you should worship me lil one?"

 Every offering of love within her pours forth, she does not grovel, she knows He neither needs it nor does He want it, "Of course not, Sir. I adore You because You have taught me, with honor and respect the value of the things which were all ready inside me. You have seen what I could be and brought them to the surface, never grandstanding in selfserving ego or pride, You have loved me by being hard when needed so that I could find my own strength. For that Sir I would gladly die for You."

  A simple statement of truth. Honest. Sincere. Bringing a surge of joy to His eyes and a smile to His lips. His long journey, over as well in discoverying one willing to explore and find themselves. One of those rare enough to be taught with the courage to face their own strength.  

 "You please me pet, you may now suck my cock."

 "Thank You, Master..."

2/23/2012 1:38:30 PM

blah, blah, blah... tired of hearing myself, would someone PLEASE ball gag me?! Now there is the trick, isn't it? Being someone another would wish to kneel to....golly gee whiz, for me it really isn't enough to tack a "dom" in the catchy nick somewhere *chuckles* nice try though!!! 

11/26/2011 8:47:40 AM

I don't understand why it had to take so long, so much pain. Why I had to loose everyone and everything.  I don't know why I had to cause harm to so many people without meaning to, when what I wanted most in the world was to love them. Family, stangers, but especially societies untouchables. Perhaps I'll never have answers to these things but maybe I don't need them.  There are moments in the striving and grief that lead me to think, maybe, it is enough that I am getting better now. These flashes don't last long. brief and fleeting, but for the first time in my 45 years I know what hope looks like. It scares me. I don 't know if I can handle functioning in a society I have been out-cast from since earliest childhood, until it was my lifestyle of choice. I have been so defended that you were suspect if you weren't scapegoated in some way because how could you, for even a breath, know what it was like to be raped while sleeping under doorways stone cold sober, not that I had the comprehension to fathom it was me who put me in those situations.  This judging world (or was that merely my perception and who I associated with? Could it have been a self fulfilling prophesy?) that rejects the "nut-cases" and rebels, that I should be a part of this when I have lived the "stand alone for what I believe in" self delusion that has been my reason for living on in agony?  I wonder what shall be my purpose now that they tell me I'm "getting better?"  Who was I before that I must be better? I thought that I was pretty special and wonderful, does this mean everything I ever thought about myself was the fractured ego of a bi-polar, borderline personality, junkie/alcoholic? 

Maybe, just maybe, all this means is that I won't cry or jump out of moving cars everyday, that I can not only value my fellows in the streets but myself as well, and somewhere in there I can carry a message of understanding to the many who are still out there, barefoot, sleeping in the snow with only a bottle and broken heart. Maybe, I can spread that spark of hope which has been kindled in me and love societies lepers. Maybe I can find myself and define my purpose...maybe

11/6/2011 10:24:23 PM



Beauty is the Beast

Melissa Evans


Within the maelstrom of my behavior lies God’s heart.  Every day I ask my Higher Power to, “take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of THY Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.” (‘Big Book-Alcoholics Anonymous, How it works; 63)

What does that even mean?!  I have said the prayer by rote for decades amidst the noise of my own inner storm, showering others in a myriad of ways with the torrent of my dis-ease.  Never meaning harm to those I would “help,” my tongue spates them 

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.


 with an attitude of arrogance and indignation in unspoken desperation that they “get” what has always eluded me: peace, serenity, love, and joy.  A drowning person will seize the program like a life preserver, myself on the other hand, feeling unlovable I wade out to extend a floundering life boat to my fellows.  I strive to give what has always been just beyond the horizon for me.  I was incapable of internalizing that I am a captain only to my own vessel…me.  




The very core of my beliefs and my value system has been lost in my need for approval, acceptance; and while I fervently prayed for understanding, rather than to be understood, my secret heart was anchored to the wish, that above all things, I might earn that love I wanted for you.  Love is all.  It is in me.  Love is me.  Not of the trickle temperament, I gush toxic winds into a cyclone of discord until I look within to find it.  I once believed that intention was everything, I know that the heart of my intention has been sincere, childlike.  Today I am not willing to sacrifice you to save myself from the flood of emotion which I feared would indeed, drown us all.  Results come from action.  Gratitude and love are action.  I have stubbornly renounced empty rhetoric, without realization that I was submerged.  My peers are my periscope, otherwise I capsize on every swell.  

Always easier for me to see in you, denying the impact others refusal to love themselves has caused me,  I blamed myself, then shouted about the injustice of it all.  I sold myself tickets to the Titanic.  I glorified in expressing what others were afraid to say and often didn’t see without allowing others to have their own truth or giving them the respect to follow whatever path they need to in discovering their truths.  Sometimes, it is just put the plug in the (mouth) jug.  No more must I be the hammer of righteousness in the dark shadow of selfish indignation, little did I know that I became the very characteristics I fought so hard to eradicate in my world.  My disease has made me the “wild beast,” in the sage’s statement.  When I look, it is through the distorted whirlwind of my own pain and suffering, but thinking that I see clearly I batten down the hatches and ride out the winds until the tide turns.  Now the port hole is open, the fresh salty breeze is stinging my face as I grieve the me left behind in my wake. 

The “why” of the importance of respect to peers is a bit more convoluted.  When I follow rules, unseen, it is for the love of my peers.  Simple things have taken on new dimensions as I am becoming aware of the fact that my external need for disorder and chaos can adversely affect those around me.  While I don’t necessarily LIKE mess, I think of the greater importance which usually involves some mental gymnastics, study, reading or contemplation leaves the dishes undone sometimes.  Living in close proximity with others, where I am not the feared matriarch has given me quite a different interpretation of things I used to wallow in martyrdom over.  I never viewed these behaviors objectively.

I have been incapable of being honest with myself to the point where I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe that my self-pity had hurt people who cared about me.  Unless the example was as extreme as the mother’s day I called my mom to let her know that her greatest wish, the cause (me) of all her misery would be gone *dramatic pause* forever…Even now, there is a separateness from these delusions which I can’t think away any more than I could the first drink.  This is where allowing others to speak their truth to me without blustering or defending is vital or I can’t get what I want and need, which is further insight.  I can rightly seek –what’s in it for me because the more I grow, the better I can be for you…which really…is all I wanted.

My first memories are of trying to understand the meanness’ and harm my family did to each other.  I watched these people passively (with the saccharine smile of the upper-middle class) rip each other to shreds in the name of “helping” and railed at the incongruence of gossip, condescension, and hypocrisy.  The more I spoke, the angrier people seemed to get and the less they seemed to understand what I was trying to say.  My reaction, get louder.  When that didn’t work I got ever louder and more obnoxious.  I hated injustice in every form but especially the subtler forms because no one seemed to see them (since they weren’t doing anything about them!) and certainly we were not permitted to discuss them.  I became the voice for all those I imagined were silenced.  I could take it, the ridicule, judgment, wholesale condemnation.  I could carry this agony and suffering, hadn’t that always been my job? I have been taking on water ever since, real or imagined, it feels the same.

Speaking out my experience while reaching out to my fellow sufferers (whether they knew they were suffering or not!) I was going to, single heartedly, ‘love” the unlovable. Societies rejects, the emotional leper, because we were kindred spirits, I knew their pain, intimately.  And I saw things, details if you will, that others overlook.  When a heroin addict is sick other junkies often share a deep sympathy for the pain their companion is going through.  On the lowest rung of the addict totem pole, people in this population many times will share what meager stash they have to get their friend “well.”  Don’t get me wrong, there is an unspoken assumption that if the roles were reversed, then help would be reciprocated.   

But the fact of the matter is that even these “scumbags” will offer their 2 pence as the widow in the bible offered her last meager pennies in gratitude and love, while the wealthy man gave only out if his abundance.   I have lived among the homeless where the camaraderie and acceptance is a completely different experience than that of looking good or choosing a mate or friend based on their money, power or prestige.   In the rejected social class’ there is a compassion for each other,  the disturbed and mentally ill, with an empathy for their companions that I believed was missing in society as a whole.  At least that is what I have seen with distorted lenses, but I still believe there is some truth to what I have experienced, even if it is keeling starboard a bit.

My experience in suburbia and the religious community mirrored what I saw in recovery, validating my own belief that we as humans barely grasped the evident truths of brotherly and harmonious love, little.  There were expectations of respect while the people who shouted the “good news” were seldom willing to go out of their way for those still suffering.  Respect was roughly defined individually without regard for the filters and diseases experienced by others, more like the prison mentality with unspoken rules of conduct without leeway or understanding for differing opinions, values, and belief systems.  I rejected this, as I had where I came from tossing the proverbial baby with the bathwater.  All that is left to do is jump back in and float amidst the setting sun.  Fortunate are those who experience the aurora borealis while their breath decorates the air,  I hope to join them.


8/26/2011 12:03:54 PM


By:  'Liss Cain



Cartoon figures devoid of sound perform to the distracted audience. Blurred animation, a back ground visual giving the illusion of substance to the hackneyed words; introduction of strangers while one of the South park kids ties off and sticks a needle in his arm.

"You don't drink at all?"

She shakes her head, lowering her eyes. "I am allergic. Just better that I don't indulge, it's easier that way." Unaware of the action, her fingers trace the road map of her journey along deep pits and groves down her scared arms. The blue veins mocking her abstinence. Television teasing those darkly kept dreams she is sure he wouldn't understand.

She smiles. In a breath she has left herself. She is safe in her vacant place but her words continue to fill the space between them, seeking understanding while actively pushing it away. She is all ready gone. He has never been there. 

"What type of work do you want to do? Are you 'happy?' And what does that mean anyway? I guess, I'm just wondering if you like having your time to yourself now that you're out of school? What do you do when you are alone. I mean if I wasn't here what would you be doing?"

"Would you like something to drink? I have water...or" 

"Water is great, thank you. Odd that you are waiting on my under the circumstances." her chuckle is awkward. Forced through endless layers of insecurity, scarcely covered by the bravado of a banter she has never found to her liking, words without meaning, substance. What is the point of it all?

He tosses another shots of Vodka as an herb-like cloud follows him from the kitchen.

"Don't get used to it." his expression belies the seeming harshness of the words as he hands her the cup. 

"So...What did you think about me, when I picked you up?" 

"I didn't think; I was worried about what you were thinking about me." 

She pulls on the too short skirt, crossing her ankles in self conscious nervousness. Her head is distracted by lessons on being a lady repeated ad nauseum by her mother until her own head took over, beating her senseless with the club of self derision. How does one become a lady under these conditions? If I'm not a lady, what does that say about me? why does any of this matter? How does failing define who I am...

Natural dominant motion leads him to approach her. The run-on chaos erupting from her throat cut short as his hand reaches for her head, stills the insanity in her brain, calms her thoughts, she purrs. Only partial attention given to the barrette he has removed, tossing it across the room in one fluid gesture of possession. Strong fingers massage her scalp with an unspoken intimacy. Intensity deeper than she is comfortable with, but craves. She leans into him. Submitting to the touch of more than her hair, excited by the underlying roughness in the gentle massage.

8/26/2011 7:45:08 AM

What I would say to you if I could, my sons, without stumbling on my words and feeling so inadequate to the daunting task of raising you. Knowing the many ways I have failed when my intentions were only to show you in abundance the love I never knew but I went about it in all the wrong ways. That you are always precious and beautiful to me in spite of my need for your approval, validation, and love because I never thought I could be enough, to be your mother. That you deserved so much more than I was capable of giving or being. I made you my reason for living, placing the burden of my unhappiness upon your young shoulders and took responsibility for your pain, limiting your ability to take responsibility for your own joy. Causing you more hurt than I realized. While I am a stranger to non-chemical induced euphoria, I would give you every moment of bliss I encountered along the way, because I always knew that my unworthiness never reflected on you. You are so very worthy. Of love. Of life. Of Peace and Felicity.

I would show you the values that moved me rather than the pain. I would give unconditionally, without need. Learning and self exploration in all areas, questioning everything including your own motives, as well as mine and confronting them with sincerity and directness. I would give you the joy, I seem incapable of embracing myself but that you brought me anyway. I want so many things for you to know, what I wasn't able to give, to express. I passed on my own limitations instead of teaching you to fly, to explore fearlessly, so that you could find your whole and complete selves as I was never able to. 

I am proud, not of your accomplishments. These are things outside yourselves, but of who you are, the men you are, and are becoming. I am honored by the gift of your presence in my life. Humbled to have broken so many trusts yet still have a chance to make it right when it's the greatest of all gifts and the least that I deserve. To watch you overcome your own limits and challenges, to grow, to carefully open yourself to seeing the truth in the universe without self delusion or pessimism, but as children. And to give these things to your own children.

8/16/2011 7:55:04 AM

I have up to date, lost 200lbs. Am in the process of joining my sons in a Vegan lifestyle, and have a 3 month plan to quit smoking again- (before my relapse and ruptured appendix, I had quit for 8 1/2 years)


I have not arrived, but I embrace my journey. I am not beautiful in the classic sense, I won't regret the past & what it's taught me by deleting it from my profile & hateful obscenities about how "hideously ugly" I am or like comments (Fine if you feel that way, it doesn't define me) only reflects your deepest fear, that YOU are ugly & in sending that sort of unkind chaos out to a perfect stranger, proves to others what you all ready believe  It makes me sad that in avoiding dealing with ourselves, we lash out at anyone & everything to keep from looking inward.


I have been brutal in my sharing about myself, dealt with some things, moved on (maybe) and continue to espouse the values of honesty, caring for others, creation, and a search for wisdom, the meaning of love, things positive and nurturing. I do not irrationally harm others, and in my opinion, a "real" Dom/me only does so with conscious, self awareness, and as a benefit to all parties involved, the very seduction of this lifestyle.


Thank You for reading some of my ramblings AND on a side note...


"Friend Collectors?" what does this term mean? DAMN it, I have too many friends, I have to throw a few back??? A couple of them were under sized and I need to wait until they grow bigger? WTF? Every time I read that I wonder that one can claim to be a "dom" with so little open-mindedness, personal confidence or integrity, but that is MY filter and I recognize that I still have a strong tendency to be judgmental, especially when I think we choose to remain ignorant but have opportunities thrust before us, every day, and only need to reach out, grasp the tail of the comment, and enjoy the ride.  I never throw a fellow traveler back in the water to flounder but I would like to skinny dip!!

3/21/2011 7:59:32 AM

GEMINI horoscope for March 21, 2011  
  You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, melissa. Why not take a few steps back from your life and try to look at it more objectively? Regardless of what you may be thinking at the moment, you actually do have a terrific life. Stop and count your blessings; if necessary, make a list and keep it in your wallet to refer to at low moments. Force yourself to be festive tonight. It will do you good to get out.

You probably are somewhat tired of others not taking your advice, and need to insist that you're heard today, Gemini. If a goal of yours is dependent on the support of others in some way, speak up; you're likely to reach that goal today. Exercise your authority, act in a dignified way, and you'll get the respect you deserve. Doing so could be risky in some way, and you may not know that you've won until after the smoke has cleared. Be fair with others, and they will with you.

Compatibility: Taurus
Mood: Sincere
Your Daily Lucky Color: Black
Lucky Number: 10
Lucky Time of Day: 4pm

1/17/2011 5:56:35 PM

{#}Hello A/all, red here making my semi~sorta~annual update to my ongoing ramblings! For those wondering if I am still that madcap, eccentric, mind wandering kook~the answer would be, indubitably in the positive! While my cocky self assuredness has been inextricably altered by my experiences, that is in no way a BAD thing, just another learning curve where I had to take it to the extreme! Alanis Morrisette does a song, "everything" that sums up (one of my mercurial personalities) but I do believe that I am healing nicely, given the ups and downs, which are to be expected and overcome! Part of me seemed to be "waiting" to live, to relish life, and love until I was "well and wonderful!" forgetting that it is in the journey of BECOMING that we share with others that enriches not only my existence, but that of those I share myself with! Some are capable of understanding deeper truths, sadly, others may only grasp a superficial taste of things to come! I DO try not to judge, accepting that others are on their own journey of discovery and ...that is all there is to that.  I still cry from time to time.  Loss of the dream my self delusion furnished with my ex's name on the marque! lol But, for the most part, I am learning to accept that I, as well, am right where I am supposed to apologies, but not continuing the wreckage of other's lives in a destructive, self surviving fashion! My oldest son gave me the consideration, "Mom, you are growing up..." which coming from HIM is high praise indeed.  The hardest parts of growth and maturity, are similar to those of submission, the surrender to something or someone higher, with a wisdom to use all for GOOD! No matter the mistakes we make along the way...Perhaps, I will never "ARRIVE" but just maybe, I have taken a few steps in the right direction which will lead to an even more wonderful exploration of this incredible existence we call life!!

11/13/2010 12:01:43 PM

Hey Folks~Red here *wEg* just did this interesting psych In spite of the altered state of consciousness I knew Him to be under the influence of, and the negativity we addicts, in general, see the world as!) Rather than the reality I KNOW inherently to BE ME~not merely another humans attempt to lay at the feet of another, total responsibility for the unmanageably of their own lives~!  Submission has NEVER been about picking up that back~pack of garbage and carrying it for another person (Be that my Owner, Partner, my children, friends or co~workers), enabling them to remain irresponsible and immature, incredible pain will follow for BOTH parties.  When I see codependency and all it's manifestations as a means to submission, it can only cause harm rather than the deep healing which I believe is the root of what D/s is about for me! The core I submit HAS to be me, as my Other must have a clear understanding of this and Their-self as well~Otherwise we are merely playing out another empty void~filled with sex addiction, fear, dishonesty and inevitable failure!

Me being, well...ME lol I cried when I read how close this comes to summarizing me, from my core values to my beliefs and failings! I thought to share it for any who are interested!

Until next time~Stay Blessed

Words that describe you:

  • Impulsive
  • Instinctive
  • Intuitive
  • Sometimes Inefficient
  • Procrastinator
  • Rule-breaker
  • Imaginative
  • Creative
  • Intellectual
  • Adventurous
  • Unconventional
  • Artistic
  • Progressive
  • Daring
  • Inspired
  • Sympathetic
  • Trusting
  • Altruistic
  • Selfless
  • Tenderhearted
  • Compassionate
  • Straightforward
  • Deferential
  • Generous
  • Adaptable
  • Engaged
  • Able to Cope
  • Passionate
  • Perceptive
  • Flexible
  • Receptive
  • Aware
  • Avid
  • Sociable
  • Outgoing
  • Energetic
  • Lively
  • Communicative
  • Warm
  • Uninhibited
  • Assertive
  • Friendly


 "What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

You are a very sociable person, enjoy spending time with other people, and seek their company. You are probably uncomfortable with an empty calendar or an empty house. You like coming home to your family or your roommate, but not to a dark living room when no one is there. You are very outgoing; you seek out other people, arrange activities, organize gatherings, anything that gives you an opportunity to be with your friends. And when you're with them, you are full of energy. You add liveliness to any situation. You talk and listen, participate in whatever the activity is "a sport or a party or a walk in the woods" and come away from such experiences pumped up by the time spent together.

You especially like to talk with your friends. You bring energy and genuine interest to almost any conversation. When they speak, you listen; and then you are eager to have your say as well. You know how to connect in a conversation, using your energy, your vocabulary, and your genuine interest in being with the other person. You are at your best and are happiest in these experiences of real communication.

One more thing about you. When you are in these experiences of real communication with others, you really know how to let yourself go. When you talk, when you play, when you participate in some activity, you are unrestrained. You give all that you've got to these moments, and because you like the experience so much, your warmth comes through. It is clear to whomever you're with that you're glad to be in just this situation. In these warm, wide-open moments, you are you at your best.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Not everyone will enjoy being with you. Because you are so outgoing, those who want their share of the time in a conversation or who think their contribution is worthy of as much focus as yours my find you too much to take. "Talks way too much, and always wants to be the center of attention" is a phrase others may use about you, sometimes to your face, though more often behind your back. And some people simply might get fed up with you.

Also, those whose personality is quieter, whose idea of a good conversation is more low-key, low-intensity, low-volume, may find they want some distance from you. For them, you suck up too much of the air in the room, and they need to walk away to breathe more comfortably. They might not say anything, after all, they're not as communicative as you are, but by their distance or their absence they'll let you know that sometimes you're more than they can or want to handle. How you choose to respond will likely depend on the situation but it is important for you to realize some people may have this sort of response to you.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

On the other hand, many people will enjoy your company immensely. Your warmth and liveliness will attract them to you, and your ability to communicate with such unrestrained energy will draw them in and keep them interested. They will appreciate your willingness to take the initiative in planning an event or leading a conversation, and because you come alive in a group you will make any social situation more fun and more interesting for everyone involved.

If you sometimes go over the top: talk too much, insist too intently on your own opinions, get someone involved in an adventure that may be out of their usual realm of behaviors, people who know you well will probably cut you some slack because they understand that when you get wound up you sometimes don't stop. It's just lively, energetic, outgoing you who makes life so much more interesting for your friends.

On the Openness Dimension you are: VERY CURIOUS

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

You are a very creative and imaginative person who is especially open to new ideas or new ways of thinking about old problems. You love to approach a conventional idea or a traditional way of doing things by walking around to the other side and explore it from a novel perspective. What's new is what interests you. Like an artist looking for a new way to see, you focus your imagination on envisioning ideas, events or problems in completely original ways. You are intellectually progressive, which means you like to think and feel your way into unexplored landscapes where you let your sense of intellectual adventure romp freely.

Because you are so curious you can also be very teachable. You learn from personal and interpersonal experiences as well as from classrooms and textbooks. You crave new information, and toss and turn it in your vivid imagination. When you come across an idea from someone else or a thought in your own head that is particularly provocative or original, you light up. With wit and wisdom, Dr. Seuss describes you like this: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

Not everyone will be thrilled by your adventurous mind. Many people are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well, and with visions they've grown accustomed to of what is and is not true. They're not lit up at the prospect of moving out of their comfort zone. Others are afraid of new ways of thinking and creative ways of solving problems because they are somewhat fragile in the sense that they have trouble maintaining serenity in their current worlds and don't want someone, like you, for instance, pushing out the edges of their intellectual and cultural cosmos. So don't be surprised if your unconventional ideas sometimes get you criticized, or if some people walk away from the explorations of new territories of the mind that you find so exhilarating.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Despite some negative responses to your style of thinking, many people will find your progressive thoughts and vivid imagination quite attractive. Some will find your openness to new ways of thinking and your willingness to explore what others shy away from a very compelling quality. Other creative souls will find in you a companion on the journey into the unknown, and will welcome the camaraderie. Conversations with them will be lively and innovative and will ignite your imagination, and theirs. Even some who are less curious than you will be impressed by your courage to think and believe what is for them unimaginable, and by your willingness to go on adventures of the mind that they would find dangerous or daunting. For these people you might become a mentor into the wilder side of thinking and believing, and nudge them toward the creative and progressive ideas that you find so interesting.

11/9/2010 8:40:32 PM

11/9/2010 8:21:03 PM

ALL correspondence sent by me is with the very BEST of intentions, care, DEEP humor with a rather dark sarcasm but at HEART~unconditional LOVE&Regard! THIS is MY personal value system & in ON-LINE communication, sometimes the smarmy grin can be LOST & misunderstandings can take place! EVEN my *deep BLUSH & chuckle* GIFTS of the ever AWE~Inspiring Penis pic E-mails & “hey BABY, great TIT’s” which are so prhopefully~COMPLIMENTED) messaged or spoke with in ANY manner, I sincerely hope&pray that it was & WILL be taken in THAT context with never any maliciousness, put downs, or judgments towards a fellow human being, (though when the shadow takes over, no telling WHAT type of backward PUNS' or sarcasm might peek out!) In ONE contact I received,  things were misconstrued from my profile & I was even ACCUSED of plagiarism by a ‘Dom’ who perhaps missed the quotes & artists name before some of my journal entries…I was blocked after this abusive e-mail as well, so that when I tried to BEG clarity, & apologize with a sincere desire to RIGHT any wrong I may have a part in~to NO avail~I am...hit with the SMASH, BASH, & RUN…I am saddened to be approached in such a manner, but I DO understand the suffering behind it. SOME days, rising ABOVE is easier than others lol TODAY, on my 45th Birthday, having (STUPIDLY) turning over my 16 years of sobriety to “Daddy” who never had the capacity to value or appreciate me & ultimately betrayed me in a way WORSE than ("the ESCAPE") death, while stacking ANOTHER layer of pain, anger, & resentment upon my children, whom I would GLADLY die for, so they can hate me, (do YEARS more therapy!) & ONCE again unbalancing that fine line I walk closer to than most in ‘mood disorders’ & science’s struggle to understand them.....I am a bit LESS able to focus on a solution rather than wallow in my own pit of morose & remorse (self~flogging without the satisfactory  pleasure!) THANK~Y/you A/all for wading through this with me & making MY value, an honored, treasured, & indeed, Marked by Y/your time, attention, & consideration (Not to mention~errrr LMAO~PATIENCE!) a TREASURE in my own right~ie: POWER=EXCHANGE...

Faith? but without LOVE, isn't it ALL like a clanging gong or ringing cymbal without hope...


I'm sorry if I said something out of place~usually I jest or use humor to...well, often it is taken wrong~I am difficult to understand~SaRcasm can be a terrible thing when taken for sincerity!~

In this world, from hurting, lost humans~especially men who aren't even allowed or taught to vent appropriately, take responsibility for their feelings, or given the opportunity for introspection, I expect nothing less than the mental & emotional battering&abuse which You just sent to me~I hope it has helped YOU~for that is sincerely what I AM here for~but if Your intent was to educate, inform, or otherwise, was lost in hostility, misdirected anger, and lack of communication~THAT~is probably MY fault as well...again, I am DEEPLY sorry for whatever I said to cause harm to You&Yours~&~for the world's pain, lack of understanding & awareness which has led to this expression of self~righteous judgment & the need to place it on ME for a miscommunication due to ??? Did I not EXPLAIN myself in a clear manner~COULD You have read something wrong~ALL~PLEASE NOTE most current journal entry!!!


8/28/2010 4:21:15 PM
I just got this e-mail from a desperate wannabe, like so many on CM which is sad!
SadisticMaster45 says=wow...fat...unattractive & a picture collector....what a typical CM looser.


All I can say being merely myself~is (OF Course!) this comes from an insecure individual with control issues who BLOCKS any responces so that HE can maintain his superficial delusions of dominance! I'll pray for your enlightenment, pathetic dear, as D/s is about mutual respect which you know nothing about, sadly when age or gravity catch up with you (if they haven't all ready!) your vanity at being appreciated for skin deep attractiveness will fall away to reveal to ALL both D/s and vanilla what a lonely, hurt, fearful, UGLY person that makes you because you CHOOSE to degrade others in a vain attempt to discover some sort of self~esteem.  Those of us who ARE real, have soul, and charisma, perhaps not the MOST beautiful in the world but, I will ALWAYS be gorgeous even with my tits to my toes and rocking on the front porch swing happily knowing, I have given and received much on this journey~! Besides, if this world were only ONE flavor, think how poor an artist it would make our creator~! I KNOW that i am loved, beautiful in spirit, and that makes me an incredible woman with all the gifts my GOD has blessed me with~I'll pray that one day, you realize this about yourself, deal with your sex addiction & childhood abuse issues, and find peace within your soul~!

LADIES, if you have been hurt or attacked by one such as this, claiming "dom," look deep within that lovely self you possess, KNOW who you are in your dominance or submission, and see for what it is, this type of attempt to rise by stepping on the necks of his betters! There are millions out there who display these behaviors, but they need never reflect on YOU! Be the best GOD created you to be, and know that this is NOT real D/s...I hope that my sharing will help another~isn't THAT~unconditional love~what "it" is all about?!

5/26/2010 11:43:32 AM


~Wow~ I haven't even BEEN on cm to chat or much else in days~As my friends can ATTEST when I get greetings noting that they haven't 'seen' me, asking how I am doing, with many fond well wishes ~ but I guess YOU...know me OH so well~

So (lol BLOCKED KINGCHARLESII~that still gives me a sardonic smile, exasperated shake of my head, & question mark of WONDER~dominant????) I WOULD hope that MINE, should I EVER find & Choose again to submit, would MAN~UP, hold an INTELLEGENT debate IF needed but at the very LEAST, coherent conversation when there is a miscommunication...Perhaps...I am WRONG in praying there is ONE out there not ruled by pig headed ignorance, STUBORN inability to EXPLORE their OWN body & soul BUT clinging to the DEMAND, another set aside their "self" to obey when YOU can never 'know' or understand YOURS if (in my NOT so humble opinion!) You do NOT meditate upon YOURSELF first??? I pray that this ONE more verification that it is few & far between~lack of FAITH, is merely a discouraged faulty perspective on MY part after some very negative experiences that stained my rose~colored Bifocals!!! Lol

Even though I used to TRY to do good, make a difference, LOVE the world~I am STILL&always will be a worthless, useless, good 4 nothing piece of human dung~But then~silly "dom" I all ready knew that...Again...Please forgive me, perhaps someday, I'll forgive myself...For never being "enough!"

5/25/2010 8:18:29 PM

"Harry got up, dressed all in black, went down to the station&He never came back~they found His clothing scattered somewhere down the track, but I guess that doesn't matter, anymore!" lol I love Don Henly this excerpt is from “New York Minute,” which I couldn't help but hum his song, as I felt the WIND rip past me standing on the edge of my war~the dark precipice~&~the side of the FreeWay when the cars could kiss me with that welcome oblivion!!! BUT, story of MY life, can't even rid the world of my depression, down, dark negativity which, GOD only knows, You all would be better without, I kept picturing the BLOOD splattered across the windshield of that innocent soul, who would then carry my death with them on their journey and WHO am I not to KNOW, honor, and recognize THEIR struggles? You said, You KNOW me? Does anybody, really...Does anybody really give a FUCK in this busy, money making, exhaused&overworked, world?


I APOLOGIZED to YOU~& tried to compliment YOU~*incredulous consternation???* offend You?? CERTAINLY not in my wildest DREAMS would I; BUT of course it's my Birthday so I'm all ready suicidal~the negative connotations are PROBABLY all true~I struggle with believing the UNIVERSE would be better off without me so~what DEEP, wise, and INSIGHTFUL thoughts on YOUR part~~~ I'm still lost as to what I said or did to hurt YOUR feelings and generate such a condemnation, criticism, & negative e-mail???? I haven't even BEEN on line lately between the 51-50 VAFUCKINGCation at the hospital~computer is often ON but as my BRAIN and common sense are otherwise struggling with being OFF, I'm not even at my PC, which was my only (other than the phone~but nobody to call or give a FUCK~brought that on myself when I loved TOO much, gave too fucking much away, and CHOOSE to submit to my ex~but HEY, PLEASE, beat the FUCK outta me for my mistakes as well, GOD only knows, HE did & I don't all ready HATE myself for that and EVERY FUCKING thing else from societies ignorance's about Racism to social LACK of awareness! I KNOW I need one more message like this, to ENCOURAGE me in my dream of peace, no more pain or aloneness in a world where HUMANS don't even know what we are here for~unconditional LOVE, period~&~leave the gas on when I go to the beautiful endless sleep!) Thank You again for the lovely bashing~so again~I don't know what I did to DESERVE it, but hey, I accept~Even the sickening SELF absorbed~self pity I can't seem to shake when I feel like stepping off that bridge into traffic make me SICK! so, join the HATE Melissa Fan club~I am not only a MEMBER but the PRESIDENT~ heh HEY, gotta laugh, right~all I ever do these days is cry&count pills to see if I can OD or with MY luck it will just fuck me up even more, I'll become MORE of a burden on society & my family, & I'll be conscious of it every single moment...

8/14/2009 12:14:37 PM
shades of red...

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
You're like protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
Cryin scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?

Aahh, the night/dawn is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come to/and play
Aahh, I am falling
And If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself - SOBER (x2)

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit

Ooo Oooo

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober

OOooo OOoo

No Pain
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Will I ever feel this good sober?
Tell me, No no no no no pain
How do I feel this good sober?

7/22/2009 11:50:02 AM
Racism is an ism to which everyone in the world today is exposed; for or against, we must take sides. And the history of the future will differ according to the decision which we make.
(Ruth Benedict (1887-1948),

6/20/2009 3:37:52 PM

It seems like months, but I have been in (sort-of) a vanilla D’s relationship and have not been able to check my e-mail…in  fact I rarely get to leave the house these days.  Somehow a once intellegent woman, turned into a…I can’t describe what I would call myself today but I am not “allowed” to think, speak, feel, act on any of the things that used to give me pleasure and I cry a lot…I don’t know what is wrong with me, although I am NOT in shackles and there is no actual D/s in our relationship, I feel more abused, confined, restricted, critisized, and locked up then I ever have in any phase of any relationship in my life.  Occasionally, *evil grin* the wild cat does  return and I throw things, but then this is His excuse to hit me and my face does not look great with 2 black eyes.  (I scratch, claw, and bite back, it’s a wonder I’m not dead yet!) lol but somedays I wish I was…If loosing everything worth living for is part of being “good” and I don’t even have the energy to TRY to get away with being a little bit naughty most of the time, so if Y/you have written me and not gotten a response, that is my explanation and my deepest appolagies to you.  It is nothing personal, or I guess, just very personal to me on my journey…I thought I was such a strong independent (and a bit cocky) lady, these things are so messy and difficult to decifer.   Please, pray for me if you can and will, until next time…may GOD’s blessings be with Y/you and Y/yours.

Sincerely, Cat

9/21/2008 3:42:51 AM
Interesting Read if you are looking into your own hearts desire...It is funny to me how many people say, I am unwilling to learn, read, study, talk or listen to others because I KNOW what I know...what I believe is that I never EVER want to stop learning and growning;to intellectually stagnate. And that requires me to continue to take in new information from different people and new ideas, not just ruminating old ones around in my own head! ;) 

The following isn't intended as a rigid classification. It was written by Diane Vera and published in The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited by Pat Califia, from Lace/Alyson Press, Boston, 1988, reissued 1990 (still in print).

1.THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST.Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensatons rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

2.PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

3.PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).

4.TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsbility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

5.TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.

6.UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

7.PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant's property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.

8.FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially of the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

9.CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.
Copyright 1984 and 1988, Diane Vera

9/21/2008 1:57:24 AM

Red here, I've been meaning to edit this and fix the font, but the day I read it, well it made me cry (big baby that I am! LOL) and I do live my life and my beliefs are such that UNCONDITIONAL love is the answer to all our problems today...of course we aren't perfect to that is difficult to say the least but, when I come across something that reminds me what is important, I try to pass it on ;)

Scars of Life...

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida , a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and cl oser together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two.

The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go.A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go. Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. Never judge another person's scars, because you don't know how they got them. Also, it is so important that we are not selfish, to receive these blessings, then fail to "pay it forward" to someone else.Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them, too - enough to not let them go. Always Tell Your Family And Friends How Much You Love Them!!!


5/5/2008 10:00:32 AM

Red here...remember the smarmy grin?  Well this just kind of flowed from the warped mind and out of my pen, I am SURE many of YOU Dom/mes will not relate to what I am saying, but perhaps will get a chuckle just the same.  Vanilla is still the same out there!

My "Friend" BoB (battery operated boyfriend!)
By:  Melissa 'Liss Cain

Female masturbation.  Perhaps I am behind the times, but this seems to be a topic too long kept in the closet and still whispered about, under the covers, so to speak, as it’s considered much more “acceptable” when referred to in teasing banter related to those poor, deprived, long-suffering men who must “do without!” (Usually by those abusive wives who don’t understand a man’s NEEDS as he convincingly flatters the naive ‘other women’ on-line, on cam, in the club, or at work!) and in shocked gasps from NICE women (You know, the ones you would take home to meet your mother she has to KISS with those lips!) who wouldn’t DREAM of doing such a thing, since (cough) we have no sex drive to speak of, and (oh, year, RIGHT!!) men take care of all our “needs” so we are never left (double cough) wanting, needing a THING, or in any way…frustrated!!! (Trying REALLY hard to keep a straight face here!)


Now look, I don’t know if it’s just ME out here in the real world, or if maybe there are other women who have experienced the “10 second fore-play or massage” and incredulous look when we fail to…uhhhh….get ours, like we didn’t work hard enough or something!  (One raised eye-brow and half smirk, as if to say, well…I got MINE, you mean you didn’t?  What did you expect ME to do about it, expression?)  This especially seems to be the case the longer you are in a relationship and the more “comfortable” your (clears her throat) gentleman is with sharing his….errrr…..momentary lapses into premature ejaculatory laziness, rolling over, (away from the wet spot, of course!) and returning to the “game” (be it video or the NBA) and his sandwich, which he somehow managed to rouse himself to make during half-time!  (Oh, yeah, and did you want something, honey?  Sorry ‘bout that…) “Yes, as a matter of fact I did want something hunny,” In sickly sweet tones with a smile that could melt butter in my mind, “I wanted you to keep your ass in the kitchen about 15 minutes longer, so I could…take care of a few things before you got back without bruising your precious male ego!!!  Now, please excuse me while I go, ummmm…freshen up in the bathroom with the hand held shower-massager (that may get cold but never gets “soft,” for those women who haven’t discovered her tools of survival yet, remember the unbalanced washer on spin-cycle.)  “Just finishing up a load of laundry, sweetie!” (blink…pause…blink) 


Ladies, I don’t know about you but I have not mastered the art of “sharing” my masturbating self with anyone other than (deep blush) my pussy-cat! (He sits on the bed and licks himself like nothing is happening! Hehe)  As corny and 50’s as that sounds, I seem to have this phobia about pleasuring myself in front of anybody else (usually I pull the sheet over me, so I don’t have to watch!) as ingrained as needing to “please” is to my nature, pleasuring MYSELF is still something that smacks on taboo.  Blow-job?  Sure thing, I LOVE to see the look of rapture on my partner’s face when he is being pleased by my tongue, lips, hands…I feel so turned on and horny bringing passion to my mate.   My own ardor and lust is increased by my actions, and causes me intense enjoyment, often to the point of my own ejaculation!  Fondling, caressing, licking, sucking, kissing, (Yes, the dreaded “fore-play” gasp.) all WONDERFUL ways for my expressive self to give gratification to my partner.  But how often, after being satiated do men turn with renewed vigor, embrace us, and exclaim, “Let me give to you for the sheer joy of giving my love!” 


Alas, past the point of his trying to reach 3rd base during the initial “exploratory phase” and make that touch-down for the home team…my masculine counterpart seems to have been bereft of the “giving” gene!  I don’t know if it was short shifted to make room for the more prominent, get “a HEAD” gene?  Or if I just have a knack for picking the supremely selfish males who delude themselves into believing that women feel a deep sense of satisfaction just servicing and (sperm-depository) taking care of their man!  (Gag and next time, you had better believe I WON’T swallow!!)  I even wonder if this may be MY fault, for coddling “his” pride with those fake orgasms when I was younger because I just couldn’t bear the thought of another 10 minutes of really bad, dry fumbling and didn’t want to ruin the man for the next female, just in case he might be having a bad night.  Even gentle instruction can take on catastrophic proportions when dealing with the fragile male ego, ending an otherwise mediocre evening.  “What do you mean, up, more, please, and follow my rhythm?  Aren’t you satisfied with me?”  Reverting to that little boy whining tone comes the inevitable heartbreaking cry, “Use the vibrator?  Isn’t my penis big enough for you?”  (deep sigh)  As if that had anything to DO with it! 


I spent 20 years married, I was faithful, and until the end when I was totally FED up with getting the “short” end of the (giggles) stick, (Let’s just say he made the minute man-premature ejaculation look like the energizer bunny in comparison!)  I finally got tough and trained him how I wanted.  With his new found talents he thought he would share the love…needless to say, I’m no longer married to the man!  To hear them tell it, we are the ‘enemy’ of good sex, and only hot cam shots, porn, and deaf-mute sex slaves would be equal to the drives they have going, but I must disagree!  It is a new era and women shouldn’t have to hide under a sheet with the pussy!  We can communicate what we enjoy, our curiosity without fear of reprisal, and try everything once, if we don’t like it, we don’t have to do it again, right?  I don’t want to be glared at like I’ve sprouted two heads when I ask to explore anal sex or bondage because of someone else’s insecurity.  I most certainly do not wish to be distained because I admit to not having an orgasm or when I dare to express my desires more than three or four times a day!  If I had cum, perhaps I wouldn’t be such a…nympho, as you put it?!!  As if that is a BAD thing?  Perhaps I will be alone for the rest of my old age…just me and my friend Bob…at least he doesn’t complain, leave crumbs in bed, fart, or a whole HOST of other obnoxious habits I won’t have to “learn” to live with!  Best of all, I can almost guarantee that I’ll fall asleep with a smile on my face every time…if only I could teach him to do dishes!

1/17/2008 12:08:55 PM

 True Confessions of Red...
I suffer the curse of many "fatties" who say when I loose weight, I will---fill in the blank! LIVE!  This dichotomy had been the curse of my life, while I believe with my whole heart, Carpe Diem! Live for the Day! and this is the first day of the rest of my life...I have also been hampered by my own fear of living life to the fullest. 

I have labeled myself a mere "player" of the on-line game, and know nothing more than the fantasy until I share my first D/s experience r/t. My poetry, writing, and reading as well as chat with O/others has taught me much but honestly, how far can one go intellectually, when there are no real experiences?  Sadly, does that not make me, no more than the "wanna-be" so viciously condescended to in many real D/s profiles?  Perhaps, a decision without action is fantasy? No matter the cliche' there is much truth in them, so just for today, taking that first step, a risk is in more hiding behind illusive perfectionism and fear, while running from what may be.  At least in the form of meet and greet?  What is the WORST thing that can happen...

12/17/2007 4:56:21 AM
So many things to learn along the path. I am not near so cocky as I thought I was...yet I know that my surrender is but a beginning into subspace and that allowing another to possess me completely finally lets me put down the bratty walls of protection, which I have had to use for so long to keep me safe from the, WANKERS, TROLLS, DISRESPECT, and USERS...just a taste is all I need to free me from the prison of myself and I am on my knees before You, Daddy, Master, tears steaming from my eyes in supplication...anything, everything, I have and am is Yours to own.

11/4/2007 7:35:00 PM

D/s, the Lifestyle

By: ‘Liss Melissa Cain


Someone asked me, what D/s means to me.  What a loaded question.  Half the time I can’t tell you who I am going to be tomorrow let alone what I will want out of a relationship in a week, month, or a lifetime.  As I struggle to set my thoughts on paper, I guess I want what everyone in this world wants and that is to be loved, accepted for who I am, and to love another with all my abundance of passion and abandon!  Of course, it is a given that I would rather not be hurt past the point of recovery.


So many specify what they “don’t” want, as that is so much easier to define because desires are flowing and ever changing, growing, as we as people mature and develop.  One day I may need to be raped, taken, wholly possessed and used in every way my Master pleases, while on another day I may be in a place of tenderness and need nothing more than comfort and attention.  This is not for me to say, but my Master’s will to choose what is best for me as He discovers the many faucets of my mind, heart, body, and soul.  He must earn my trust so that I know without a doubt He seeks only that which is best for me, so I may submit without reservation, giving all of myself to Him, taking both of us to the heights we seek, Him protecting, nurturing, caring for, controlling, and possessing me and me giving that to Him completely knowing that I am safe in His care.  Just “speaking” the words sends a tremble of excitement down my spine that lodges deep within my core with a resounding reverberation. 


Perhaps what I “believe” is a fantasy or dream.  Human beings are after all, merely human and given to self-centeredness.  Mayhap what I am seeking doesn’t exist in or out of the lifestyle, after all expectations are premeditated resentments.  I do not believe that a Dom/me or Master/Mistress that cannot control themselves, how can One ever hope to control me?  If One believes D/s merely a tool to relieve a sex addiction or to use another person for their own purposes without thought or care for the person (tool), I don’t think it is an honest power exchange.  For D/s to work there has to be fair exchange, give and take, power and surrender.  I personally would not choose to give my surrender to One that did not value it as the treasure it is, and treat it as such, why would I obey such a One?  Everyday in life there is opportunity to be treated like dirt with no reciprocation so I have zero desire to bring that relationship into my “home” sphere on a regular basis regardless of the “great” sex!  Thank you very much, no thanks…In my mind (at least, at this point, today!) I know that I am an attention whore.  I don’t feel it is my job as a sub to “chase” or hound someone to get that attention.  If the interest and desire to “know” me is there, so will the time, energy, and effort…if not `shrugs` it won’t be there later either and I won’t be satisfied or happy.  I desire to be taught, lead, instructed, paid MAD attention to in all types of ways from sexual to mental, marked, owned, controlled, and finally completely possessed in every way possible so that I may submit completely. In my submission I can then offer (hopefully) complete obedience and be a joy to Mine in all things.  To not only serve but to do so with the JOY of my soul because it pleases Him...But then, it is a long process and a journey. 

10/29/2007 5:42:11 PM

The Hunger

By:  ‘Liss Melissa Cain




Solace in the arms of rising yeast,

Until the empty cries are surrounded with starvation.



Passion compartmentalized



Anorexic feeding frenzy fuels a

Gluttonous greed forever dissatisfied

Open Mouth

Insert substance

Fill the need

Dig deeper


Harmony when submission meets control,

Balance is restored.

10/16/2007 9:05:52 AM

Greetings, Red again, since this is MY journal I guess it WOULD be me....LOL It has been pointed out that when in chat I have not noticed when I have been spoken to by individuals...this is certainly NOT because I am trying to slight or ignore anybody, I am just so busy trying to be polite and welcome E/everyone that by the time I get done typing a name (the spellings KILL me!) 10 more people have entered!! So, if Y/you want to talk with me and I have not answered Y/you, by all means, pm me, and I will get back to Y/you unless Y/you ask to see if I really am Triple D then I will point Y/you to profile notes! LOL

Hello, what is your name, may I show you my penis? is NOT a good opener!!! *hint hint*

10/14/2007 10:21:32 PM

This is RED and NO the PLAYBOY is not real it is a GAG...I have never heard of PLAYBOY having a BBW edition, if they ever do, PLEASE, by all means, let ME know, as that is one I will have to go out and buy!!! I am NOT Malibu BARBIE and even after I am finished with my middle aged transformation I will still have curves.  Hopefully, not have the O variety! Needless to say, that is NOT where I am right now, as you can see, I am a work in progress.  If you are okay with that, then I am okay with that.  
       Picture TWO, these are my girls, need I explain this?  I AM female this is the ONLY proof you will get.  I don't take nude photos, I do NOT cam and I do NOT cyber. PERIOD.  I don't care how DOM you say you are.  It just isn't my thing, I'm sorry, so if you are looking to hook up for a quickie, I am not your girl for the evening. 
        Please do not say that I MUST not be submissive because I have made these statements, my belief is that my submission is precious and therefore has value.  IF I have value and my submission has value then I will GIFT it to the ONE who earns it by showing me the respect of not trying to step in and treat me like some type of sex toy when you know nothing about me, that is just rude and inconsiderate and will not be tolerated.  To those who can appreciate what I have said, I bow humbly before YOU in gratitude and thank-you!


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