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Hello. I'm looking for friends only. I am an owned slave girl of my one and only Master. I knew Him in a vanilla world prior to knowing that He is into this lifestyle. He saw my potential in this world as a good slave. Therefore, He always pushes me to go beyond my limits. Sometimes I don't feel like it or even don't like it, but eventually, I do whatever He told me to anyway. I couldn't even believe myself that love can change so many things. He hurts me so much, emotionally and physically. And I still bare all those pains from Him. No complaints. No nothing. Just keep silent and say "Thank you, Master." I sometimes wonder how can people do such things, taking all the emotional and physical pains, and still thanking the person who causes such pains to them with sincere gratitude. It doesn't make sense to me at all, really. Well... but I'm also one of them. Still wonder... every now and then.

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8/18/2011 6:11:00 AM

Been crying a lot since yesterday. Master said I always come in the middle of his process of pursuing a girl to screw.  And yes, he did screw one today.  A local girl whom he found on a dating site and have been chatting around for a few days.  When he came back home, he stayed distant and very cold to me.  He didn't talk to me and acted like he's still very angry at and annoyed by my crying and insecurity.  I tried to make the atmosphere better but I have to admit that I'm really feeling tired, emotionally and physically (it's my last day at work and have to pack and move by tomorrow and haven't got a plane ticket yet.. and so on).  He said if I'm gonna be like this, why would he want to marry me.  That's how he normally says, actually.  Well.. .that's true.  It seems I always annoy him.  I asked if he wanted me to suck him and he nodded.  I am always so scared and feel disgusted of sucking him or having him inside me after screwing other girls prior to coming home.  I mean, I love his everything... but other girls... I still can't seem to convince myself to accept all the liquid coming out from those girls.  I did smell something like a pussy juice from his cock. umm... but I sucked him anyway. No emotion though.  Feel like it's my duty.  This is the time when I hate the most.  I feel so pity for myself.  And he hates me being self-pity.  And he would feel annoyed and start creating a distance between us.  Every time.  He only wants to see me smiling and laughing and do everything for him wholeheartedly.  He wants to see me crying, but only when he makes me cry while fucking me.  He hates it so much when I cry because of him screwing other girls.  And that's what he keeps telling me every time that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me if I keep crying.  umm... it's getting a bit circular now, my journal.  I think I should stop right here.  At least, I feel a bit released after letting it out.  I know this site is more on the lifestyles but for me I'm more a vanilla girl but happened to be with the Master in these lifestyles.  A lot of people sent me a message saying that I'm with the wrong Master.  Umm... I question myself now and then and have been questioning about it for 4 years already.  We're getting married soon.  Still, I feel like I want to run away every now and then.  But I don't want to disappoint him at all.  So, if I'm the one giving up first, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him a lot.  I know he loves me very much but he will continue screwing other girls every now and then.... I don't know.  Too tired of thinking.  Just let it pass.


7/5/2011 9:02:35 AM

I've been feeling like I always bother my Master lately. I know that I'm a needy person and very sensitive and over-thinking, and my Master doesn't like it at all. I feel upset every time when I feel like I am neglected.  I am aware that most of the time He is very into His business and I should feel thankful that He allows only me to take care of him.  But some other times when He is free, He also read other girls' profiles or chat with them or go out with them.  He keeps giving me attention from time to time though.  Yet, it seems like I'm the one who's pushing for it as I mostly approach Him first.  That's also another duty as a slave girl, isn't it?  To serve and not to be served.  Anyhow, I should be thankful for Him constantly giving me His attention as well (regardless of whether I approached or He initiated it Himself).  

Maybe it's jealousy or perhaps loneliness or both... I feel like I'm here; why does He has to look somewhere else?  I remind myself often that newness is very important to Him and His privacy is the absolute must.  It's something that I cannot do anything about and must accept it as His obedient good slave girl.  

Frankly, sometimes I also feel like I'm loosing my competency to keep Him satisfied sexually.  And I hate myself for that.  And I can't do anything about it.  

Well... I'm just mumbling now... I stopped letting Him know how I feel long time ago.  It seems to create distance between us more and more whenever I tell Him about this.  Thank God that I always come out of this down mode so quickly.  Whenever I feel down like this, perhaps, God would remind me of how lucky I am to be able to serve my Master wholeheartedly and fully.  


7/2/2011 10:35:02 PM

Someone said I should be happy and getting something out of being with my Master as well.... like the feeling of fulfillment and what He has taught me.  Umm.. that's true.  I can't put it in words but I do feel like whenever I see Him happy and satisfied, especially with whatever I do, I feel very much happy and appreciated.  That is, I guess, the prime motivation for me to keep serving him more and more until my love and service exceed his expectation.  

Well... it can be tiring though.  You have to keep your quality high to meet and even exceed your customers' expectation.  Otherwise, they will go and find some other brands instead.  That's what my Master always says to me.  I did think earlier that when it comes to love, no such things apply.  It's just the matter of two people love each other and want to do anything to keep them together.  That's a bit naive, isn't it?  Of course, when you feel good toward someone you love, you tend to do things they like.  But if you are always reminded of doing those good things or not disappointing the one you love, then, the responsibility becomes high.  

In that case, I really need a lot of strengths to keep on making my Master satisfied.  And the major source of my strength needs to also come from Him.  Appreciation, caring, loving actions, loyalty, trust, respect, and so on.... (is it weird or inappropriate to ask your Master for these?).  I think, they can be very important for me to keep holding on to Him, especially when I feel tired...  ha ha ha.. but at the end, even though I don't get all those things, I still do try to find a way to make Him happy and satisfied anyway.   

Just a thought.... 


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elizasogood
 
 Age: 21
 Lakeland, Florida