"Don't be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well."

Dang, that is kind of dark...

What usually makes me a very cheerful, outgoing, and "always wanting to help people and make them laugh" kind of guy is in REAL short supply right now. So to avoid wasting what little I have left on those who have obviously shown that they aren't worth it, I'm simply going to turn all that off for now. Until I find someway to stock back up and recharge. I don't want to blow up to the very, very individauls who mean the world to me. But you should be warned, I'm not bending over backwards for anyone right now. I'm not mad, angry, or sad, just...emotionless. It's just that I can't take it right now. This shouldn't be interpreted by those who I do care about as "Don't talk to me!" because it would really mean a lot to me if you did.

Just not a good night. Gonna crawl under my blanket and hide. Pup is sad

Tuesday's are supposed to be "Me" days, because I hate Tuesday more than Mondays >:(  But judging by the amount of paperwork and things I legitamately have to do...doesn't look like it's gonna be a fun day. Grrr....cannot wait for this day to be over.

Just applied for a student assistant job at the OB/GYN office here at the school hospitial. Should be interesting.

Just a pup looking for love :)

In pain, we find pleasure.

In bondage, we find freedom.

In "no", we mean "yes".

In "stop", we mean "go".

So hurt us. Bind us. Make us say no. Make us beg you to stop.

"Puppy play is often about being playful, mischievous, and instinctive. In relation...a puppy who is "unowned" or "uncollared" can be referred to as a "stray"."

I dont wanna be a stray... :(

With only 4 hours of sleep, and then a 5am forced workout, I'm amazed that I don't have my usual super short fuse. I guess I got all my anger out last night when the 50 million car alarms went off last night from 11-2 in the morning. Was effin' furious. Then I had a small panic attack at 2, in which left me deaf (biggest fear in the world) for about a minute. That wasn't terrifying :( Today, I just feel really drained. Don't even feel like doing the cleaning and laundry that usually relaxes me and cheers me up. I know, I'm weird. Gonna put on some tunes, and crawl into bed and hide.

Small soapbox dealio of the day:

Individuality is a gift everyone possesses. And it is very evident on here and in the lifestyle. What one sub wishes to do or have done to them is going to be different than me or any other sub. How one Dom/me chooses to "train" or "punish" their sub/slave is going to be unique in its own way. A sub may wish to find a Dom/me who will use them as a sissy, toilet, or pain slut. A Dom/me may favor mental bondage over physical. Even when a good deal of the world sees BDSM and the like as weird and labels us freaks, no one should be ashamed and repressive of what makes them unique.

*steps off soapbox* Alright, time to go hide. 

The last 24 hours on here have been really nice! Met a fellow sub who is my age, in school, has similar musical interests, and is as relatively new to this as I am. She seems really nice :)

Also got a message from a Domme who glanced at my profile a while back. She was surpised to see that I haven't been "snapped up" yet.

"Who wouldn't want a cute little puppy at her beck and call?" See? Affection. Gets me every time :)

Anyways. Time to take a long hot shower, then crawl under my blankets and pillows, and do homework.

I don't seek attention, I seek affection.

I'll do whatever [my] Mistress demands just to hear her say "good boy" and to be allowed to curl up next to her or by her feet.

I am not looking for sex or to have some kink filled, I am looking to serve and make [her happy. 

I know my vote doesn't/won't count, but I want my opinion to mean something.

I am a kid at heart. I am random. I love to feel loved and cared for. Who doesn't?

I am not a punching bag or door mat. Who is?

I find the tension between the collar and the holder on a leash to be really relaxing, comforting, and soothing. Not sure why, but I do. In fact, being bound is actually pretty calming and relaxing in itself. At least it is to me.

*Obviously, I'm referring to when your Master/Mistress binds you.

"Can't move my arms, my legs, my hands, or my head. Yep, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." haha. Well, its relaxing up until that first swat. Then its a whole new mixture of feelings.

But it isn't weird to feel relaxed being bound, right?

Thank God for British tea, rain, international music radio stations, and that one person who gets you though bad bad times. Offically going to make Tuedays "Me" days.

"And it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's all alright. Yeah, it's all alright. I guess it's all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest. but it's all alright."

"Do I have the right to remain silent?"

"Not so much the right, but the lack of other options."

Haha, brilliant.

Went to the store today. Ended up next to this really pretty girl at the checkout. I smiled. She smiled back. That right there, made my day. But just to add icing to the cake, I'm going to add an awesome workout on top of it.

On a seperate note, there's a certain tone that a Mistress uses when speaking to a pup (or, its kind of similar to when a mother talks to a child) that just gets deep down to me. I really don't know what about it that does, but its charismatic tone, in place of shouting, is just amazing. Like "Who's been a good boy?" or in a particular tone: "Who's been a naughty/bad puppy?" (that one sounds even better in a British accent haha :P). I guess it really appeals to my inner child. But ehh, that's just what has been on the back of my mind.

What a good weekend. Got to workout a lot. Spent time with my bros. Made some more headway into my story. And finally wrote an actual pro is good :)

Wow. Just wow.

"There is an irony to bondage that often remains unexplored. And the irony is, you are never more free then when you are bound. We are taught to hide our desires, pleasure is frowned upon. Anything deviating from the norm is branded and judged. So we live our lives supressing our deepest desires and...adjusting. But oh my, what if someone were to restrain you. To take away your ability to adjust? To make you helpless, and reach within you. Make you face your desires. How could it be your fault? Why, you are helpless to resist. There is nothing you can do, is there? So you can only relax, face your own desires. Completely helpless to do anything, but enjoy touches that you can't avoid. Curious touches that treat you as a wonderful plaything, and you can't do anything but surrender. And this is just one of the aspects of submission. You become your Master's plaything, and your Master will open your eyes to new levels of pleasure. The basic fact about S/M is that it is a sexual equivalent of erotic cuisine. Pain in certain sharp forms serves as a spice to accentuate the pleasure. Pain is a method of control a Dom can use. It is rarely extreme, and just like bondage, its purpose is to expand your boundaries....You see, unlike your everyday run of the mill sex, BDSM is a game of mind and body. A dom must be capable of achieving the psychological advantage. Once you get down to the core of it all, BDSM is an elaborate roleplay. Such as, it is a Dom's duty to create the illusion, to mix the spices in the sexual feast. Bondage is a tool. Dom displays control by taking away your freedom of movement. This is the first step. But there is so much more. You master can claim your senses. Take away your speech, your sight, your hearing., leaving you focused only on touch. Making you truly enjoy every second of pleasure..." - Shiniez

Curious inquiry:

Are there any Doms/Dommes that utilized the mental breakdown/build up process that the military uses in Basic/Boot?

Meaning, do you break down the sub/slave's mentality to the point they believe they are worthless/low/what have you, then build them up into something greater?

Or do you just expect them to already believe that? Or do did your subs/slaves come to you already in the mindset?

I'm curious because I don't see myself as worthless. I mean, I do know my place and where I belong as a submissive, but I don't believe I'm worthless. I believe I have value, and to the right Domme, I could mean any and everything to her. I often see a lot of journal posts with "...my worthless slave/sub..." or "...a pathetic slave/sub..." so that is why I'm asking. I do understand though the usage of such to keep them in line, but I'm curious to know if the process is used by any as a training method.

Any information/experiences/comments you'd like to share would be greatly appreciated.

Luckily, nothing really bad happened today. Heart is a little broken, but that's nothing new.

" ...'no' isn't all that bad when you're a submissive into humilation and degradation. Think of it that way. You're a natural masochist. You may be sad, and it may hurt, but never let a broken heart leave you bitter, and try, try, try again. :)"

Stumbled across someone who was curious to know why some men desire to submit to a dominant woman. She wanted to know what we get from it. I thought this was a pretty interesting inquiry. Because, this is definitely one of those things that truly differs from one person to the other.

What do I get from my submission? Well, at the moment, nothing. I'm not collared or owned by any Mistress as of now. I could say that, when Im told or asked to do something by one of my more assertive female friends, I get the feeling of being useful and helpful . And I love that.

But what about when I do find the right Mistress? And I do say right. I made a promise never to just settle, to someone who took the time to prove to me that I have a lot to offer. But what do I hope to get then? Well, that is the million dollar question.

I can say that I'm not looking to fill a need for to be hurt, humiliated, or any of that stuff. Not saying I'm against any of it. I just see all those things as part of the D/s relationship. Being spanked, flogged, bound, asked to do something I find degrading, all that I see as just parts to a whole. Sure, there are times where I really want to be tied up and gagged, but I wont let just anyone do it. 

I guess I would say I'm looking for the relationship. The power exchange. But this doesn't come from me lacking a sense of direction in life or me being unsure about anything. I don't have any family issues that would drive me to seek a dominant figure. I just find myself truly happy working to make someone else happy. I get the feeling of being useful and important. And submission has become the most...meaningful and purposeful outlet. I work to make HER happy. I'm important to HER.

I know you can make the arguement "Well you could get that feeling in a normal relationship...". Howver,  I don't feel the same about that. Sure, the right girl will make you feel just as important and all, but I don't think I can derive the same happiness from it. Ive had may fair share of relationships , and I haven't experienced the same kind of happiness/peace of mind that I get with submission. There's just a difference to me.

I willing to bet there's some deep underlying...thing that I haven't yet realized that really shows why I choose to submit. Perhaps it will manifest itself when I do find the right Mistress, but as for now, thats all I got. Ill be sure to touch upon this later.

"Where did all the people go? They got scared when the lights went low. I'll get you through it nice and slow, when the world's spinning out of control.
 
Afraid of what they might lose, might get scraped or they might get bruised. You could beg them, what's the use? That's why it's called a moment of truth.
 
I'll get it if you need it. I'll search, if you don't see it. You're thirsty, I'll be rain. You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
 
I know you don't believe it, but I said it and I still mean it. When you heard what I told you, when you get worried, I'll be your soldier."
 

Back at school, but I have 5 days until classes start. Roommates aren't back yet, so I'm pretty much by myself for a few days. After a month of bending over backwards for people, this quiet, alone time is going to be nice.

On a side note, one of my friends majoring in psychology asked if she could pick apart my brain. And if she ever needs a test subject for a project, I'm it. Should be interesting.