I'm back home on the west coast. Thank god.

I played in the San Francisco scene some years ago, including attending a couple of Jay Wiseman's parties. I haven't been active since, and I miss it.

I'm currently redefining myself, but the most recent definition I have of myself is that I'm a (moderately experienced) dom/top in the bedroom, and want equal partnership elsewhere. I enjoy a wide range of lovemaking, from vanilla (with some passionate biting), to pure kink.

Because I've bought into labels that I thought I was supposed to wear, I've been monogamous most of my life, but now I want to explore the richness of polyamory. I have a lot of love to give, and it may very well be too much for one person to handle.

I'm a very passionate and patient partner, and love to pleasure my partner for hours (vanilla or kinky). I'm also good at taking my partner into subspace - and holding her there.

Recently, I've realized that for most of my life, I've been holding back sexually, even when it was clear that my partner would want more. I want (and maybe need) to fully explore who I am as a sexual man, and I don't yet know what that would look like. It feels scary to me, because I truly have no desire to harm anyone, so I'm not sure how to move forward with un-caging that animal inside of me - but I want to explore my own pleasure more.

It feels like I'm in the amazing awkward position of wanting someone who would be willing to completely surrender herself to me, yet somehow lead me into opening my inner animal - and make it safe for me to just completely let rip. I've never let myself go there, so I have no idea what that might look like. It feels scary, and what self-respecting sub would want a hesitant top - one who needs his bottom to make things safe for him???

It feels like a catch-22 - I need to explore my inner animal before I can clearly define myself, and be truly available for play, yet need to play with someone with whom I can fully release that inner animal in order to explore it.

I'm really looking for ideas and suggestions - particularly from anyone else who has been (or is) in this position.