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Shangrilaaah
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A door has been opened for me recently by one of those remarkable significant others who can change the course of your journey forever. She has since moved on, but through her guidance and example I now realize that this journey of self-discovery is one that I'm ready to take.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for, but I do know that I have an intense foot fetish and philosophy (a philosophy which may or may not exist to justify the fetish but that's a conversation for a later time).
I think that one disconnect between my ex' and myself occurred because she was a submissive and I seem to be something of a sub myself. It's a bit like trying to generate electricity between two plugs (PLEASE do not misconstrue that as a homophobic statement) or, given our submissiveness, perhaps it would be more accurate to describe us as two outlets seeking a plug.
Be that as it may, I'm far more interested in servicing women than I am dominating them. To what extent do I need to be dominated? I have no idea. I do know that I have a foot fetish, a Catholic upbringing and a taste for being subservient to women. In a more vanilla forum, these would raise red flags. In this one, please think of them as white flags.
I'm fairly open-minded but I also err on the side of caution. There is no chance that I will ever taste your toes if we can't hold a conversation together. I don't always require sexual fulfillment, but the need for women to stimulate my mind is a must.
Physically, I'm chasing away (or running) my demons with long distance running and I've been supplementing that with two or three nights at the gym each week. I'm not a picture of perfection, but I do maintain myself, because at the end of the day I'd like to be turned on by my own body as much as I can. If it isn't worth looking at then it isn't worth showing.
Oh, yes. With the last two or three women that I've been with, I've learned that I have a taste for exhibitionism. I'm still a wee bit shy, but somewhere between my physical fitness (shame about my little Jack Skellington arms though) and the encouragement and appreciation from a few wonderful women, I'm learning that perhaps I may have a talent for putting on a show. My exhibitionism is a work in progress, but I'm keen to learn.
Finally, there's the question of whether or not I want to dominate. For now, that fire has been burning thanks to the needs of my ex'. Sadly, I couldn't fulfill her like she needed and in my shame, I have a need to prove myself.
Do I hope to one day prove myself to she who led me to this door? Mm, I suspect that ship may have sailed (with a bigger, stronger and better captain at the helm), but there are other ships in the sea.
But before I can command, I need to learn to swim.
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The "Baby Girl" blog is now online:
http://www.sheisrisen.com/blog
Happy Halloween, folks.
--t. |
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She lives!
I promised myself I'd have a first draft of [my story] finished by August. Okay, so that deadline came and went. Truth be told, I wove a web of internal drama where it wasn't necessary and found myself just a wee bit distracted. This is what happens you go chasing shadows. The new deadline is Halloween.
After a lovely week in Ocean City and the continued encouragement of a fantastic individual (S!), I'm finally back on track and have discovered much to my surprise...
...that I'm actually writing a kind of postmodern romance novel. See, I'm not even going to wait until I'm relaxed, gay and middle-aged like Clive Barker. I'm going to sow my romantic oats, like, now!
What's also funny about this is that the set-up for the story is loosely based on the life and times of a good friend who was almost a little vexed to see her life turning into a "chick flick" seeing as she is someone who hates chick flicks. And THAT is what's so fucking cool right here. My heroine is someone who is participating in a genre that she would otherwise not want to be a part of.
For a character I originally envisioned as having a bad attitude, she's softened up a lot over the last month or two. I think I'm saving the fun bitchiness for my antagonist who is a mash-up of myself, Eponine from "Les Miserables" and just a dash of Heath Ledger's Joker. I love all of my damaged children, but she is going to be a lot of fun to write.
And besides, she's going to be the star of the sequel so if you don't love her as much as I do then I'm not doing my job. She's kind of like Lestat in that she's an antagonistic antiheroine during the first go round, but she'll be your good friend and narrator next time.
Actually, she may be a narrator this time seeing as I'm toying with the idea of rotating first person perspectives. The biggest challenge there is coming up with a unique voice for each of the three main characters. After all, they're all variations on myself.
So, how far am I? Not far enough? How will it end? I'll know when I get there. Is it personal? Of course! Is it kinky? That depends on your definition (but you're getting this from a Clive Barker fan who has just started to figure himself out so draw your own conclusions).
Is there a plot? Um, not really. It's pretty much just three characters randomly crossing paths and reacting to one another at this point. S. helped me to "mind map" the characters and themes, but this didn't leave me with much of a plot.
Hence, for the moment, it's an off-the-wall romance. I would describe the "fringe" subcultures that I tip my hat to, but to do that would be to tip my hand. I'd rather let the readers figure it out for themselves. If I told you that my last story idea was a stalled lesbian cowgirl apocalypse story, you'd assume I was writing something far more lurid and exploitive that what it really is. The same goes for [my story] whose description would seem far more lascivious.
Trust me. At its heart, it's sentimental and romantic. The kinkier elements have more to do with "normalizing" certain kinds of people with extreme tastes and deep-seated needs. I want to expand the definition of what can be romantic and sweet.
Those of you who've seen the film, THE SECRETARY can probably guess where I'm going here.
I developed this story at the beach so, yeah, it sort of has a "beach reading" quality to it. It will be a story that the more adventurous readers can cuddle up with.
And besides, I'm saving all of the really weird shit for the sequel. I hope that my feminine alter ego is up for it, because she's certainly in over her head. |
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Fetishism, Privacy and the Celebrity Filmmaker
This is the last word on Larry Wachowski (co-director of BOUND, THE MATRIX TRILOGY and SPEED RACER)....for now.
*I hope that everyone finds a little something in here to warm their heart, make them think and consider life as a leather-clad, transgender artist (and if I'm getting my terms confused PLEASE feel free to correct me. Merci beaucoup!).*
Naturally, any discussion of the Wachowskis isn't complete without touching on (and exploring) fetishism, BDSM and transgender interests.
To review, here is the muckraking Rolling Stone article that pretty much cemented a suspicion that I've had since I first listened to directors' commentary on BOUND: Larry Wachowski seems pretty cool!!
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/9138137/the_mystery_of_larry_wachowski
While I have no doubt that Larry knows what crystal meth smells like (we ex-tweakers can smell our own) and that his journey of self discovery following the success of the first MATRIX perhaps led to him making some questionable decisions about how to dismantle his marriage, the fact of the matter is that the Rolling Stone article seems to get quotes almost entirely from folks with an axe to grind. That's not surprising given the fact that if you actually were Larry's friend, you'd probably respect his privacy and not run off and talk to Rolling Stone about a very personal lifestyle metamorphasis that your friend was going through.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was pleased to learn of Larry's lifestyle from this salacious article. I'm full of contradictions like that. It disgusts me when someone's personal life (sexual or otherwise) is outed without their permission or blessing. And yet, when the news is juicy enough, I can't look away. Look, if Mel Gibson became U.S. dictator tomorrow and shut down the epidemic of the national paparazzi machine, I wouldn't mourn their loss (although if Mel Gibson were dictator, we'd have much, much bigger things to worry about). Be that as it may, the private lives of those whom we admire (and envy....and covet) do make it into the press and we are rubberneckers, every last one of us.
True, you have to really sift through a sea of blank faces slapped on the front of empty heads to get to someone genuinely cool like Larry Wachowski, but that is the price you pay for the life you choose. It's kind of like how you have sift pretty deep into this e-mail before you get to a more mature opinion of how Rolling Stone handled Larry.
Stephen Elliott wrote this excellent piece on the Huffington Post blog and I am pleased to be able to share it with you now:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephen-elliott/rolling-stone-slanders-th_b_13776.html
So, here we are then. As I said before, I was a fan of the Wachowskis since I heard their directors' commentary for BOUND (recorded for the LASERDISC....remember those?). I blindly bought the BOUND laserdisc in the flurry of pre-release hype surrounding THE MATRIX. I was such a commentary queen at the time, that I was honestly more stoked for the MATRIX laserdisc (or dvd as ended up being the case) just to hear the Wachowskis and their cast chuckle over their little lark of an intelligentaly derivative sci-fi kung-fu flick.
And, sadly, it was around that time that the brothers decided to become reclusive. I guess I felt a little bit burned by that. Of course, it was not like they owed me or any of us anything, but damn! They seemed like such down-to-earth guys who didn't take themselves TOO seriously. What gives?
And then, once this comes out, I suddenly understand their quietude even if they're excuse of "We want the movies to speak for themselves" seem a little dishonest.
I will admit that although I have been a little disappointed with their post-BOUND output (at least, until now), the revelation of Larry's fetishism really did appeal to me. Even though the guy allegedly ran off to the restroom ever few seconds during a court hearing (during which time he almost certainly was not snorting little powder bumps off of his thumbnail), I really like the guy and I want to see him win, win, win!
Sadly, due to the moronic decision to drop the bold and unusual SPEED RACER right in between IRON MAN and PRINCE CASPIAN, nobody really wins this round (except for the few of us who realize that SPEED RACER is a work of bold, retarded genius). Had that film been released several months ago, the "straights" would have still hated it, but the boldness of it would have seemed refreshing enough that it would have enjoyed a good ride in a sea of shitty late winter comedies and horror flicks.
Sadly, SPEED RACER will be all but forgotten by the time Harrison Ford uncoils his whip for one more go at the box-office. The only rubbed shoulders between Indiana Jones and the Wachowskis will exist only in the fevered imaginations of those of us who fantasize about Harrison Ford wrapping his whip around Larry Wachowski's waste like he did to Kate Capshaw in TEMPLE OF DOOM.
But the fetishism is there in their work. It's hard not to look at Christina Ricci's Trixie and not see an aging transgendered man's image of himself. Naturally, this is also present in the lesbian heist movie (with Jennifer Tilly's femme looking an awful lot like a well executed drag queen) and THE MATRIX in which that guy playing Trinity does a pretty good impersonation of a female.
It makes me wonder what Andy Wachowski's role is in all of this? Is he just along for the ride with his suspiciously Silent Bob-like demeanor? I'm going to guess that he loves his brother with all of his heart and it fulfills some deep need to assist and take part in this kind of self-expression. Yes, the Wachowskis are just doing glorified genre pieces that are not just a little bit campy. But, look, they serve up their cheese with real intelligence (the stupid-to-cool ratio in their films is usually pretty well balanced with a fair amount of overlap if we're honest) and they work with real affection for their source material, their inspirations, their Chicago background and their fetishistic aesthetics. What's kind of sweet about their fetishism is the innocence of it. If you don't believe me, just get a load of how Racer X just strolls into a suburban home clasped in head-to-toe leather gear. He seems completely comfortable in it too. He's like Ed Wood in an Angora sweater.
So, there you go. I do agree that the Wachowskis' films tend to be a little bit stiff and chilly, but SPEED RACER shows that they're trying to loosen up. And beyond that? It's all good, I say.
I certainly hope that these guys get a little more prolific with age. If they can change direction and surprise us again like they did between BOUND and THE MATRIX or now with their candy-colored SPEED RACER then I can't wait to see what they do next. |
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I've noticed in browsing the profiles (here and elsewhere) that those who are around 32 seem to be a lot happier and possessing of an inward glamor that I don't remember people my age having 16 years ago.
Thanks to MySpace and the occasional, informal reunion, I've seen my old classmates and fellow latter-day Generation X'ers really grow into themselves. For example, I saw that one of my former classmates (someone I didn't really know to be fair) is cheerfully married, openly bisexual and just seems far more amazingly self-actualized and cool than I remember her being from school (to the extent that I remember her).
I actually just clicked on the profile of a Cupid member who is 32 who looks really amazing with a unique sense of personal fashion that I don't always find in the young'uns nowadays and a huge grin that I'm probably reading way to much into. Be that as it may, I still have to wonder if her smile was always so bright or if it's something she grew into as adulthood segued into proper maturity.
And then there's me. Yes, my back is sore from overdoing it at the gym (and probably not doing it properly), but for all of the silly drama that I've heaped upon myself of late, I've never been quite so sure of myself or at ease with certain things that I've repressed in my pastas I am at this moment. And as I'm sure you'd agree, that back pain is more from mismanaging my workout rather than the fact of my age.
Being over 30 only hurts if you're not doing it right.
And while I've been known to be a romantic and a drama queen (two things that are not always mutually exclusive), I now actually understand the wisdom of finding balance and taking the compassionate, pragmatic route on any journey. Oh, sure, there's selfishness and drama, but we can balance our needs and impulses with the inner voice that belongs to our maturing adult self.
And if you're 30 and still acting like an 18-year-old, you're not only an emotional liability, but you're missing out on the best years of your life (so far).
Come on in. The water is better than fine. |
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| Age: 54 |
| WNC,
North Carolina |
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