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Update --
It's been several years since I started being active in this life style. my profile was written in the early stage where I came to realize my desires. After these days, there should be a lot to update, I am changed: from inexperienced to experienced, from submissive to switch, from simply following the instinct to knowing what I am looking for.
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Going through a transformation?
In fact, lately, I start to discover my potential dominatrix. It began with a desire of using men as un object and enjoying being given all oral service. For the past one and half year, I have been living with a man who has no intention to hide his desire of being a sub: his fervently love for worshiping female body, his foot fetish, and so on. Gradually, I develop a desire to give order as his superior. I have to admit that the more I live with him, the more I want to dominate him. It is in his eyes.
For the first time in my life, I have climax being a potential dominatrix.
There is one thing I can be sure is that I am experiencing a major transformation in my life. Another part hidden insde of me for years is slowly waken up. No one knows where it will lead me to. I hope for the best.
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My First Shibari Experience
I had my first shibari experience on the xmas eve. It is just the perfect xmas gift for me and it happened to be a surprise. At the beginning, we intended to have a xmas party as usual at my friends' house. He lives in the loft of a 20 stories building with an extended french window overlooking the night scenes of the port. It started with a casual atmosphere just like another joyful xmas party. Yet, later on, the ambiance was warmed up and was lifted hypnotically. Few of the guests talked about their experience in Japan. The topic suddenly switched to their shibari lessons in Japan. Thus, everyone suggested to give this party a zest. All the guests suggested me to be their first shibari model. This is just the start of the episode yet this is the only part I wish to disclose so far. For me, this is the beginning of my affection to the art of shibari.
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In my opinion, the relationship between D/s would develop toward two directions. One is simply the content of the urge and the other is to have a more profound connection. A profound connection between D/s requires primarily the trust.
For a sub, humiliation based upon the uncertainty, fear and submission put a sub into a stage of feeling unworthy. The fear as such put a person to the verge of nervous breakdown. At this stage, the crisis between D/s appears. Thus, it is essential to reconstruct the trust. Reconciliation brings back the balance.
A Dom is someone born with the intuition of using power. Yet, a Dom is constantly challenged by the sub to prove that his strength, power, and authority are powerful enough for the sub to count on.
With my very little experiences, I am not an expert at all, far from it. Yet, I can be more certain of what I am looking for. Also, I am learning to develop my own philosophy and develop a more profound attitude toward this life style. I believe everyone has rather diverse interpretations yet a healthy communication should put an end to the differences and carry out a fulfulled relationship.
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This winter is too cold and I am all alone. There is no one for me to rely on. I need someone to guide me. Someone knows what I need and what's good for me. Oh, tell me, what am I looking for?
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My fear of darkness is associated with a frightening experience. Once I was chained to balustrades at the bottom of the staircase in the basement for days; I was kept there alone in the total darkness. Everything surrounded me was scary, the smell of the basement, the feeling of dampness and most of all, I was simply scared to death. Till' doday, I still have some post trauma from that incident.
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This is my first time posting a personal journal on bdsm community. Maybe there are som terms that I might misused. Please correct me whenever I made a mistake. Thank you.
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