I want a real longterm relationship, but I think I'm too scared and skittish to let it happen. To connect with someone who there would be real potential with. Now I just seem to be craving substitutes and harsh words. I don't know if that's good or if it will make me happy, but it is where I am.

I've gotten a number of good messages worth responding to which might maybe actually have a chance of coming to something and can't make myself follow up. I feel I'll only end up disappointing them by being a flake later anyway.

One sign of me getting horny is more aggressive mental beating up on myself.  I think it's linked to a craving to be used, to be hurt. I'm not a masochist, I don't like it. But right now, I'm craving to be played with, and not in a gentle way. I don't want to over-analyse because poking will make it more confusing, but I do want someone else to be in control of hurting me, of putting me through something hard that they can enjoy. When I'm in this kind of mood, I seek out rougher words, harsher treatment. 

"hurt me." goes the refrain in her head. She craves, she wants. She doesn't know what to do about it except type little words and read others, hoping they hit her and sooth

So people have occasionally seemed to imply what am I doing looking for something if I already have a Sir. And I'm working on figuring that out. Part of it has to do with the fact that I'm lonely. I would really like to find someone with who I'd talk to often, we'd share bits of our lives, we'd spend time together, both planned and unplanned, occasionally snuggle together. I very much enjoy sharing night and morning routines with someone, and I want to do that more often, and snuggles in bed, and occasionally more. I want someone who is a companion in my life. At this moment, I'm not even looking for something long term. I've kind of given up looking for someone (boyfriend/girlfriend type) for now. I don't know if I dare look for that on here. But I am lonely, and just trying to make myself believe that what I have and enjoy is enough isn't working. And the person would have to have some Dom/top in them, because that's what really does it for me. Dating in the vanilla world just won't work for me.

To sum up, yes I have a Sir, and things are wonderful with him, but I am still lonely more often then I like, and I know he would support me in finding someone else who would also be a close part of my life. I guess the main question now is if I dare to.

Feeling all riled up tonight. If there's a word for being horny for D/s, that's what I am. I want to feel encased in rope, or held tight in someone's arms, or to sit at there feet. I don't have much intellectually to contribute right now, but I want. It feels like so long since I've had more than a taste or reminder of those wonderful things, even though it probably wasn't much more than two weeks away. I'm so greedy for giving myself, or slivers thereof, into someone else's care.

I finally told my Sir that I have a profile on here. I'm so happy to be with him, and being his brings me joy. But he is married and they are starting a family, which I am excited about too. 

But I still want more. I don't want to give up anything of what I have, but I crave more. I'm still working out exactly what that more might be. A part of it involves more attention. Although from where and who is the big question mark. There are still gaps in my life that I want filled, and I guess feeling the loneliness of that is what has brought me back here tonight. 

Because as much as I would like to say I'm low maintenance, I want a lot of things.  I don't want to be demanding, and I think being flexible about when/how my want for attention is filled will accomplish that.  

I'm just throwing thoughts out right now, as I find I have no conclusion. Just something I feel a desire to share right now.

___

Edit:

For everyone whose first assumption is otherwise, my Sir's wife knows about our relationship and she and I are friends. They are not poly, but are in an open relationship. He also supports me finding other relationships to help fulfill my needs and/or make me happy.

I hurt inside, please take me, make me hurt on the outside instead. Make me cry, make me rage, all while I'm helplessly open to you. I want you to strip me down, take me apart, toy with me and enjoy my suffering. I want you to make me lose myself, till all I can think of is you and what your actions and words are doing to me. I want to wallow in the emotions you force on me, in having no choice but to process and feel how you toy with my body and emotions for your pleasure. But after you break me down and it's time for me to come back, I hope your arms will hold and comfort me as we put me back together. Except now your fingerprints are on every piece of me.

My fantasies are of two sorts lately. One calm and organized with me and my sir as partners in life, with me owing my loyalty and obedience to him who knows best for us both. The other, I want someone I barely know to take me, hurt me, ignore any pretense of consent, and make sure I'd get Stockholm syndrome so I'd defend my kidnapper/abuser as he made me suffer. The idea of this second is often what drives me to this site, even though I know better, a part of me aches to be hurt.