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| I've only just discovered this site and...well, not anymore. I really should edit that out. (But Christ, I wrote so much! Where do I begin?!) Honestly, I should edit this a lot more since I've realized I spelled my freaking name wrong. If you've ever seen "Tabris Macbeth" on Fanfiction (dot) net (fucking bullshit content filter) or YouTube, that's me! Same guy...just forgot to put in that B in "Macbeth"...and yes, the guy who writes softcore lesbian erotica and makes Dada-esque videos is at a kinky sex site! SURPRISE!
(And speaking of editing, what's with this ugly "dirty vanilla" highlighting my text has? It's completely hideous and I can't get rid of it! What's the point in changing the background color with my text is radiating an aura of bleh?)
I really should go over this profile better sometime, but here's something I want to make crystal clear: Do not waste my time. I am not playing around here. I am not going to be nice all the time, I am not going to say anything because you want to hear it, I am not going to jump through hoops to please you, and if you're not serious, don't give me any "Sir" this or "this girl" that. Unless you seriously want a relationship with me, talk like a normal human being. I was stabbed in the back by who I thought was the greatest person in the world (yet again) and I have beyond lost any tolerance for whiny little cretins who always play the victim. Pull that shit with me, and I will come down on you like the hammer of God.
Now...on with the profile...
Okay, starting out with something pleasant...since I complain enough as it is... I think I...uh...well, I don't wanna call myself a "daddy dom"! I'm way to young in every aspect to call myself that! I guess that's kinda what I feel like, but I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of anyone who isn't my child calling me "Daddy". It makes me feel like some middle aged pervert. Um, think of me more like a...big brother dom! I mean, sans the incest vibe. I like the idea of patting girls on the head while they call me their "nii-nii". (And thanks, Higurashi, for planting that idea in my head.)
No, you aren't getting my picture. I very much value my anonymity. I'm an intensely private person offline and I don't want my two worlds bleeding into each other until I'm damn good and ready to combine them. Besides, this is a matter of trust. If I do give you a picture, it's because I trust you with both my online and offline personae. Until that time comes, though, I promise I'll never ask for a picture from you if you don't ask one of me. And I will certainly never ask for anything dirty! I'm considerably less of a prude than I formerly was, but dirty words alone make me blush. A girl I like giving me a nudey pic of herself...oh goodness...
(smiles slyly) There's another reason: I would very much like to seduce someone with my words alone. I want to make a girl want me with my charmingly insane personality, and not have to rely on a pretty face (and I do like to think I have a pretty face, even if I couldn't take a good picture to save my life). I want you to want me because you can't get my words out of your head. I want to hide in plain view and still be a mystery. I want to seem dangerous, and crazy, and comforting, and cute all at the same time. I want you to obsess over me. I want you to get addicted to me. I want to dominate you not by being stern or direct, but with what an old friend of mine called "velvet violence". I speak softly, I speak with the slightest smile on my lips, and there's power behind that. There's this restained power that, in it's sublty, pierces through your defenses with cold precision. I look harmless, but you can feel how dangerous I am. As I reach out to you, I could so easily crush you...but instead, I simply pat you on the head and smile a little more. I ask you something sweetly, and you give a quiet nod. And look look up at me with awe, frightened and seduced by this overwhelmingly subtle power...
The reverse is true, too. Believe it or not, I really am looking for personality. I don't care how pretty you are, I will not give you the time of day if you're a dullard who's devoid of a personality. I want someone I can't ignore. I want someone who clings to my arm and demands my attention. I want someone pouts and sulks when I'm unavailable. I want someone who somehow ignores all conventional logic and puts their life in my hands. I've always wanted to meet someone like that, but I've never dared entertain the possibly of finding someone like that so strongly before. I want someone who wants- needs- to make me their whole world, because they are so deeply, madly, overwhelmingly in love with me. And I want to make them feel just as special, as if the Heavens glanced down and offered them favor. I want them to feel all the happiness in the world for giving me such a precious gift. You trust me, and that means everything in the world to me...
(blushes) Um...moving on...
While I'm in no position to relocate right now, I am definitely getting the hell outta here when the opportunity presents itself. I live in the single grayest place on the planet. I'm not joking! The locals joke about it being a pretty cold, gray place, but- possibly because of smog getting blown over from China- this place has gotten unbearable! I can't recall the last time I've seen stars in sky, and I think I can count the number of sunny days we've had this entire year so far on both hands!
So...yeah. More than willing to relocate should the opportunity present itself. I'm also A-okay with long distance relationships (although I ultimately want to have a relationship in real life, so don't get the wrong idea). I like meeting people from far off places, as a matter of fact! If I wanted someone local (and I live in a depressing meth county, so...no), why the frick would I be on the internet?
No poly-anything! Well, okay, might make an exception if you're polymorphic, 'cuse that sounds pretty cool, but I am strictly a one woman kind of guy. As tempting as it is to say otherwise, just one! I'm hopeless romantic and can't possibly comprehend sharing the love of my life. Then again...if my subby wanted a playmate...er...no, no. Nevermind.
I'm not normally too keen on hurting people I like...but damn it all, my sense of curiousity is morbid! Stuff like bloodplay and asphyxia honestly creeps me out...but I can't help but find it a little fasinating. I'm willing to try just about anything, but I'm going to take things carefully and if I'm even slightly worried about my partner's health, I'm quitting immediately! No arguements, or you'll get a spanking!
I should also say that while I'm open to disciplining my sub, I think I'd prefer to reward a good sub rather than punish a bad one. For any pain I apply, I want to follow it up with comfort.
I have a long list of fetishes (nerds, Goths, nearly every other female archetype imaginable), but have a huge cuteness fetish! Absolutely massive! Big ol' bonus points if you like snuggles, cuddles, glomps, and huggles! And if you says anything from LOLCats in a cute voice, giggling as you play with the edge of your frilly pink skirt, I will get down on my knee and freaking propose to you! (Wait, do I have a LOLCats fetish too, now? I HAZ FREAKEE SEX LIFE! NEXT I HAZ SEX WIT CHEEZBERGER! Oh, and more points if you're quirky little weirdo and like LOLCats.)
And on that note...hehe...LOVE catgirls! Love 'em! I really like the idea of petplay (another fetish I have: tummy rubs), but the idea of a cute girl in cat paw gloves and socks and wearing a car ear tiara cuddling up in my lap and taking a nap sends me into a happiness coma.
Okay...I have quite a bit of an eye for aesthetics, and...I...kinda like the idea of a sub I can dress up. My own fashion sense consists of t-shirts and black everything else (hey, black jeans are the very definition of sex), but I love the thought of dressing up my subby real pretty!
I'm a bit of a word Nazi, so when I hear "dating site", I naturally think of a site about dating. I very begrudgingly tell myself, though, that it's okay to look for friends on a dating site. Heck, I need friends! My social life is more like a social death! (HAR!)
Seriously, my life is full of solitude and I know it's not healthy. I like my solitude and all, but I really need friends. I crush on girls with lightspeed, but I know it's best for me that if there's potential for a serious relationship, I really need to be friends with them first before moving on. I know I'm going to say "Nuts to that!" more than a few timeS, but deep down, I do acknowledge someone needs to be my friend before moving upwards and onwards.
Um...you really should know I'm a very bishonen li'l fella...young looking, too! I can easily pass for probably 16! (I'm getting a bunch of creepy old dudes looking at me now, aren't I?) And I'm in touch with my feminine side far more than most straight guys (seriously, a test I took once said I was +50% female), so being a fem-pedo that's at least a little bi-curious will make the relationship a lot less awkward.
Okay, now for some of the more mundane facts about me. I love writing and have quite a bit of scattered experience with fanfics, scripts, and scenerio writing. I have a ton of projects going on but I have trouble getting anything done. I'm proud to say, though, that I have a fanfic series going that's meet with some great critical response and I officially have 60+ subscribers on my personal YouTube channel!
Let's see...what else...I play multiple female characters on my forums. And most of them are lesbians. Yeah, told ya there were sprinkles! Colorful sprinkles! Colorful sprinkles that like to make out with each other!
And now would probably be a good idea to point out that I am obsessed with lesbianism. Obsessed. I call myself a "male lesbian", my fixation runs so deep!
If you're straight...hope you don't mind if I sigh dreamily every time I see two girls kiss. If you're bi, then giggle and act like a total dork with me! Then we can write a lovely story about lesbians boobies.
I am very proud to say that I am a natural at psychology. Despite lacking anything that resembles a social life, I can easily read a person by just seeing a sentence or two. (wide smile) And yup, I'm saying I can profile people from just text on a screen! Cool, ain't I? If I wasn't a writer, I'd definitely love to be a criminal profiler or something.
I'm a bit of a lingistics nerd. Really like Latin, wanna learn Japanese someday, know bits and bobs of European languages, and I eagerly look up any words I don't know. I even did a German translation job once (see below).
I'm a big ol' fan of videogames and anime. Or I used to be. Anime's gotten too mainstream. Unless you have some cool import place or the like around (sadly, I don't), you don't get to see the cool stuff with boobies and ultra-violence. And games...the fans are brats and like I saw on IGN, a gaming depression is coming. The bar has been set way too high and unless you half-ass everything like Nippon Ichi, production costs are too high if you want to make something that looks modern. On the other hand, though, this is a golden opportunity for retro gaming and indie game makers like me!
Ever-so-slowly but ever-so-surely, I am working on making games. I work with RPG Maker 2000/2003, and despite the name, there's quite a bit you can do with the engines! Not only are there some really great games made with them, but I actually had the honor to work do some translation work of one such game. It's this German RPG Maker 2000 game called "Taut", and...oh man, it's cool! It's one of the most impressive games in the RPG Maker community! It has the graphics of a high end SNES game, but it's still manages to somehow be very damned scary. I very highly recommend it if you ever happen across it, especially if you're a fan of Silent Hill or David Lynch.
I most definitely want someone who's an active part of my life. Not that my life's all that active...but hey, like I said previously, I live in a very depressing place. I want someone to lovingly cling to my arm as we go to amusement parks, or anime/video game convensions (never been to any sort of convension, and desperately wanna go!), or just walk around and stalk the night. I also want someone to stay up with on quiet Friday nights and watch movies until one of us goes to sleep in the other's arms. (And if you really wanna win me over, fall asleep in my arms. Or at least pretend. That is so romantic and I've always wanted that to happen to me!)
If you're still reading, coolio! Apparently, the man with the LOLCats fetish, anger issues, and multiple female personalities didn't set off any alarms in your head!
I am absolutely, positively looking for an online relationship only! When I'm all moody and emotionally vulnerable, I'm sorta curious about cybering...but I mostly say that because that's part of the screening process. If I don't like you online, what makes you think I'm going to like you offline? Besides, there's a certain comfort level I'm going to need with a person before I put the rest of my life on hold and...do amoral things with them. If you're not willing to make a real commitment, then move right along.
-Tabris
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Let's not take things slowly. A slow path to a dead end is all the more a waste of time. Let's take things fast, throw caution to the wind, take a chance. You honestly can't expect to gain anything without sacrificing something. If you're not willing to venture into the Garden of Madness, then you don't deserve anything.
...I expected this place to be interesting. It isn't. All I've see are the same generic, vanilla, white bread people that populate the rest of the world. I'm done pretending to be part of some sleazy clique just to find someone interesting. I'm keeping this profile here, just in case there's a tug on the line.
-Tabris |
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Chatty thing, ain't I?
You know, all this thinking about my love life is really getting me depressed. Like, okay, just yesterday I actually dared to venture out of my shell and try talking to someone...but thinking about my impending failure isn't doing much for my spirits. And it's not only that. Looking around...I just don't see anyone I really think is good romantic material. Even if I somehow did find someone I really liked, look at me! I'm seriously screwed up! Just look at half the things I say here! This isn't how I wanted my life to be, but life hasn't left me with many options.
I'm thinking maybe I should spend some me time for a bit. It'll do nothing to change the miserable world I live in, but at least I might feel a little better if I stop constantly checking my empty inbox.
-Tabris |
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...Okay... (deep sigh) I...am going to try to talk someone. And yes, if you were ever under the assumption that I was complaining about all this stuff before because of experience, you were dead wrong. Those were observations, and I've only had one truly disasterous semi-relationship here.
So... (whimpers) How do I do this, exactly? I have never been the social type, and just putting on a mask and lying my way through this defeats the purpose of why I'm looking. But honestly, I've only had one real girlfriend, and it was sheer luck that she met me! If I'm going to let the natural order of things handle this, I'm going to die of old age!
...Ugh. Thinking about all this is really bumming me out. And wouldn't you know it, I found the one and only girl around here who wants to cyber! And she's seeking "creative scene writers"! Hehe! (sigh) Two problems, though. One, I do not write about guys in..."creative scenerios", which I'm just guessing she'd probably want. Futanari is fine (and if you don't know what that is, please don't look it up), but plain old heterosexual sex is an absolute hard limit for me! The male form is just plain icky and I do not even remotely find it arousing!
And two...God, as badly as I need someone to talk to right now...cybering?! Okay, okay...so I'm not totally adverse to the idea of a cyber fling with a stranger during quiet, lonely times...but aside from my aforementioned male-o-phobia...GAH! So don't have a clue what to do! I've only cybered twice, and if I remember right, she had to hold my hand the entire time. Then again, the girl in question was a total mental case who took forever to please, and any tiny deviation would kill her mood. When I think about it, it was a miserable experience and I had very little fun with it.
...Huh...It occurs to me I didn't get that much into kinky sex stuff on my profile. Hmm. I wonder if I should dare talk about that...
-Tabris |
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Someone recently point out that I get angry a lot. Well, there's a lot stupid bullshit that pisses me off. And I'd like to point out right now that I only care about making the world a better place for me. A lotta people are under the delusion that their way is somehow so good and right (like my ex-girlfriend, the self described "super genius"), but I don't lie to myself. I want what's best for me and only me. If what I want actually does make the world a better place or anyone else happy...fine, whatever.
Okay, so, let's take a look at the silly side of my hate.
I can't look at two profiles without stumbling over someone who isn't single. It gets on my nerves that there isn't an opinion here that lets you filter out anyone who's spoken for. At least most people have the good sense to tell you they aren't looking as the first thing in their profile, if not edit it to make it clear they aren't looking. I just saw someone, though, who said repeatedly they were looking in big, bold letters in their journal...and at the end of their profile! Okay, not the greatest move...but it's just downright flabbergasting that they didn't edit their profile to point out they weren't looking in any other way! Yes, they said right in there that they're looking, but when you scroll down, they aren't. And this person was actually complaining about how they were still getting requests. Seriously.
Slightly less flabbergasting is when someone says something that's a direct contridiction to what they're apparently looking for. Like, this one person said they didn't want to be a longtime poly household, and...yeah, they said- off to the side, there- they were looking to join a poly household. I guess that could be in the short term, but c'mon. That's why I'm a little apprehensive about checking the "friends only" box. Friends would be nice, but I am here looking for a potential love interest.
This isn't really contridictory, but...I saw this once and it cracked me up: Following up "ass play" with "knitting" as your interests. Sirs and madams, I will pay you if you put something that funny in your profiles!
Back on the other end of the flabbergastation spectrum- and this applies to all dating sites- is the "locals only" jackasses. You're on the internet, the world wide web, and you're looking for someone you could find by stepping outside your door. This...this wants to make me scream. It's like walking into a library and only looking through the first shelf you come to. You have the opportunity to met people from around the world you would have never meet before...and you're only interested in people you could meet if you weren't a shut-in.
Well, alright then.
Now for the main event: Pedophilia! Do you really need to make it clear that you don't like, say, pedophilia or beastiality? I guess when people say they aren't into sex involving children or animals, they could mean ageplay and furries. If that's the case, though, say it! I mean, seriously, is this place so full of mini Caligulas that you need to point out that you are not turned on by Rover or Li'l Billy from down the lane?
It amuses me when people feel the need to say they draw the line at fucking children and animals. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be laughing since some people don't draw the line at urine and feces, but still...c'mon, people...
-Tabris
P.S.- "Fakes and phonies"...I know that's been a problem for me, but I just read a post about that on the forums, and I could not help but giggle at the obvious irony... |
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This isn't anything special. I just wanted to say...it's creepy when old guys look at my profile...they're all old and stuff...
-Tabris |
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Hmm...so...about the latest lying scumbag I've dealt with...why is it that I always have 20/20 hindsight on these things?! Swear to God, after I broke things off with her (can't really call it a break up), I realized I should have caught this crap right from the get-go! Not only that, but she's worse than my ex! If I just took ten seconds to stop and think instead of...y'know, giving her the benefit of a doubt, I wouldn't have wasted so much time on her! And yeah, unlike her, I'll admit I had hope. I'm not going to pretend a bunch of bullshit that makes me look better than I am.
While on the topic...y'know why I'm hangin' around here instead of normal dating sites? Because egos are huge turn off for me, and when I think "submissive", I do not think "egotistical". Of course, people bend and twist language to mean whatever suits their purposes. I'm talking about this because a lot of you subs and even slaves...you aren't particularly subby or slavely. Yeah, I'm talking about you "gift of submission" types. I am most certain not just a "dominant" (I own nothing made of leather except a belt, by the way), but being dominant- the dictionary definition, not some silly BDSM crap definition- is part of who I am. Most of the people I've seen around here seem to just be the "bored housewife" types or...well, they're just liars, plain and simple. Okay, okay! Places like this exist because of the bored housewife types and pervy dorks who can't get a hobby or anything (swear to God, Goreans remind me of Klingons), but considering there's such a thing as "lifestyle BDSM", I thought...I dunno, it would reflect people's personalities or somethin'.
I bring that whole thing because dear lord, a lotta subs/slaves seem to have very healthy egos. No, I'm not saying you should be taken advantage of, but it's a huge turn off and bastardization of the word "submissive" when you think you're practically the center of the goddamned universe. If you want to be treated so special, then here's a wild-ass idea: Earn it!
Okay, now that that's out of my system...hehe...I was recently turned on to DearS, and...GAWD! I squeal like a little girl every time I hear "I'm your slave" in the opening! And say, did I ever mention I've got two project ideas that are really, really BDSM-y? And those were started years before I was on this scene! Later, later.
So, yeah, thoughts were put in my head. Such beautiful thoughts. (squeals) I cannot begin to comprehend what it must be like to have a slave. And dear lord, how weird and wrong that feels to say. Ah, but I so love slaves! They're so cute! (dreamy sigh) Someone that cares about me...will do anything I... (blushes) Wow...I...just for the sake of argument, if I was ever lucky enough to find a slave...oh man...like, someone who would do anything I told them...I...I have no idea what to do with that sort of power! Sure, I want the world to be mine and all, but...I never really thought much about what I'd do after the world was mine. For some reason, power has a very humbling effect on me... (grumbles) And I rarely have power...
Anyway, yuppers! Clearly, I've rebounded quite nicely, and whimsical fantasies are prancing about in my mind once more! YAYZ!
-Tabris |
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Okay, I most certainly have something to say about about that lying sack of garbage that turned on me...but screw it! I'm in a good mood now! Besides, I have the sneaking suspicion karma will handle her for me. Oh, and dearest, that latest journal entry...you don't think that clashes a bit with the image you're trying to create with profile? Thanks for doing the work for me, little girl!
There was a lot on my mind...but not now. Okay, so, you know that entry I made a ways back? The one where I talked about that girl who was possibly in an abusive relationship and how I was insecure with someone I used to have feelings for? Yeah, she checked me out and really thinks I rock! Um...okay, so she's still spoken for...but she is freakin' awesome! I have no problem whatsoever with making friends with someone awesome!
-Tabris |
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I have quite a bit to talk about... (smiles) But that can wait! Someone thinks I rock, so I'm just going to bask in the glow of someone who clearly doesn't know how unstable I am for the time being.
-Tabris |
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Well...this sucks.
It really seemed like I found someone absolutely perfect...but then, like always, the alarms went off. After my last girlfriend, I am listening very keenly if anything sets off my internal alarms. So, I set up a trap, she did what everyone else before has done, and I blocked her. Technically, it's not over yet...even though it is. If she's actually determined enough to get off her ass and find a way around my defenses, I'm definitely willing to give her a chance, but when has anyone ever done that? Whenever I test someone like this, there's always something they could do that would restore my faith in them. To date, though, no one's ever bothered. No one is ever willing to make an effort for anyone but themselves. It's a screening process that's eliminated everyone that doesn't care about me...but in the end, there's never anyone who passes. The system works great, but it's kinda, sorta depressing...
Well...tomorrow's another day, right?
Edit: FUCK HER! That whiny little bitch had a chance to prove herself, and she wasted it. She utterly fucking wasted it. I can't say how she could passed, obviously, but here's a clue for future girls: Don't fucking insult me.
...Okay, a little explaination is probably needed, isn't it? You see the entry at "11/7/2008 12:10:46 AM"? The one where the latter half has me being all insecure and whatnot? That "disturbed" her. It made her want to "step back". Um...excuse fucking me? Yeah, see, that really made alarms go off in my head. She never seemed particularly interested in anything I did (unless it gave her a chance to pretend to kiss my ass), but I kept that to myself. That shit, though...I almost cried. I got over it, since there's never time for crying, but I told her that. I was really pissed, but I told her that. She gave me pretty much the same line all my "friends" have ever given me because I dump their asses, and then Little Miss Humble and Helpless cops a fucking attitude with me when I give her a chance to not do what everyone else has done, which was cop a fucking attitude!
...In less angry words...I have a lot of pain and a lot of issues, and I gave her a chance to show she could get past that and still care about me. I gave her a chance to prove everything she said isn't total bullshit. She just proved me right, though. I even told her I knew she was going to prove me right. I all but told her how to win my trust, and she willing chose to throw it away and make an enemy out of me. Well, that's just fine. I'm more use to hating than loving, everything's just fine.
-Tabris |
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There are so very many liars. You sacks of shit are all victims, aren't you? Oh, poor, pity you! All these big meanies in the world are opposing you, aren't they?
So yes, it's official. I have no more pity for anyone, regardless of whether you actually deserve it or not. People are self-centered sacks of shit who, when it comes down to it, only care about themselves. I have no tolerance whatsoever for people like that. I came here because I thought someone with a submissive personality would know a thing or two about humility, that maybe- just fucking maybe- I wouldn't have to resort to manipulations and direct confrontations to get something out of people. Even if I had all the time in the world, I don't have time to fuck around with people who aren't willing to go through the things I have. At this point now, I'm not willing to trust anyone who doesn't shed blood for me, so take note of this: I am not going to be part of any stupid-ass little fantasies you may have. I will not be controlled in any way, shape, or form. Try it, and there will be retribution.
As always, the fact that I'm a psychological prodigy has been ignored. I set my target up and she played along perfectly. I'm really getting tired of going through the same thing again and again. You can only endure repetition for so long before you just go stark raving mad.
(smiles sweetly) And of course, I was never that sane to begin with.
-Tabris |
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Hey...um...my dearest suddenly lost one of those male friends I was so suspicious of. Nothing personal if you guys are reading this, but if you have a penis and aren't a cute trap, I automatically assume you're a sleazy scumbag just trying to get into a girl's pants. I get super protective when said guys are anywhere near any lady friends I care about! But...hey...I didn't cause this, did I? I don't want her to start dumping her male friends because I have a very low opinion of my own sex. I want to protect her against people who are just going to use her, but I don't want to be the sort of guy who isolates girls from the outside world because I'm hyper paranoid she'll leave me the first chance she gets.
(sigh) I'm really confused now. It was another borderline sleepless night, so I had a lot of time to think. I thought to myself...with a mischevious grin...that maybe she should be punished. I was on a real hope high when Obama was elected, but naturally, my faith in a better world utterly fell apart when I started reading all this vulgar articles that reminded me why I'm such a misanthrope in the first place. It would have been nice if someone gave me some tiny reason to feel differently...but instead, I only received confirmation of my pessimism. I think that deserves punishment, don't you?
Now, though...did I just get her on a bad day? Am I being too hard on her? (grins wickedly) Should I punish her, anyway? I can be quite imaginative, and I'm certain I can be a bit creative with my punishments...
-Tabris |
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Have you ever scream really, really loud? But you can't because there are people around you? If you screamed, they would back away from you. That would make you want to scream more, which would make them back away further, which makes you want to scream more, which makes them back away further, and that happens again, and again, and again, and again...it keeps happening until you snap. Then no one will get close to you.
When it comes down to it, no one is ever willing to stand their ground.
Say...there's something I just realized. My dearest dropping that cute manner of speaking she had when we first met raises an eyebrow...but you know, soon after I made that last entry, I heard from her. A bit coincidental, isn't it? She's been on before. She even had the time to make a journal entry. And yet, she only finds the time to talk to me when I lament her not making the time for me. Do you realize how suspicious that looks, dearest? A lot of people have been like that with me. They pretend that I am not a priority, that I'll wait patiently without question until they find it convenient to listen to my quiet little pleas for attention.
I've had it with people thinking that I am not a priority. I am.
-Tabris |
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Okay, there's two things bothering me now. I just read this post about a girl caught up with someone who sounds like real sick fuck who's just looking for a torture toy. I voice my ever-so-humble opinion, of course, but...should I do more? Should I have talk to her personally? I hate not taking action against this sort of bullshit when I have the chance to do so, but...I don't know. I hate it when people interfer with my life...but if I have the chance to make a difference, why shouldn't I grab it? I'm an opportunist by nature. I live for these moments where I can arrive on the scene, Deus ex Machina, and change everything.
But of course, we're all ultimately responsible for our choices, aren't we?
That second thing...I hate to admit this, but I think I can be just a wee bit jealous. Haven't heard from my dearest in a bit, and I think she added a new friend to her list. A new male friend. Sure, many of the friends I've ever had were female, but I can't say I trust any man on a site like this. Certainly not the ones who are dominants and over 30. Sorry, but the first thing that pop into my head when I see...heck, any straight male dominant other than me is "sexual predator". Not that male subs are any less sleazy, I guess, but I really don't trust middle aged guys who get off on the kind of stuff around here. (And just so you know, truth be told, I don't care that much about kinky sex. I mainly signed up here because I got really fucking sick of people constantly trying to control me.)
(sigh) So...yeah...I'm getting a worried. She doesn't even have a picture of me yet, so it's unrealistic to think that I've won her heart over. It's a very real possiblity that I could lose her...not that I've won her yet...
-Tabris |
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...I really don't like admitting it, but I need help. (And if this were my forums, one of my girls would have a witty quip ready!) My poor dearest has been having a real hard time at work lately, and...well...her life seems to be only slightly better than mine, which is doubly depressing...anyway, she saids she wants a chance to prove she can be what someone needs. I got a little choked up when I read that, because I really need someone...b-but it shouldn't be like this! I'm supposed to be stronger than this! I shouldn't have to need anyone! I should be the one that's needed! I should be able to just go up to where she is, scare all those assholes at her job, give a great big hug, and most importantly, not have a life that's an even bigger wreck than hers! I always wanted to be someone's hero, and heroes aren't supposed to be emotionally damaged shut-ins straddling the povery line! (sigh) Of course, life didn't exactly go as planned, and everything fell apart over time...there's no denying I can't do everything myself...I just don't want to burden people I care about, though, no matter how rare they are nowadays...
(blushes) Um...so...yes...yes, I most certainly do care about her. We both said we were going to take things slowly...but...I...I think I want to take things to the next level! I want to ask her out! Uh, not that I think there's quite such a thing as cyber-dating...but I believe I would very much like to get closer to her! Uh, not in that way, of course! I'm a gentleman! I mean...I mean...
What do I mean?
-Tabris
P.S.- GAH! You still haven't gotten her a picture, you dumbass! Get out that! |
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... (smiles real big) I think it's happened. I think it's finally happened. Or at least I hope so, otherwise I'll bathe this insignifigant world in the blood of the weak and rain down nuclear hellfire from the- So, anyway, I think this is it. That one special person I've been looking for for so long. She clicks perfectly into place in every place, and...the greatest omen of all? We both had an Atari 2600 for our first of many game consoles! (dreamy sigh, cartoon hearts in eyes) Is there any greater sign of true love than that?
-Tabris |
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I've had many, many crushes in my lifetime (at least 25% of which were on cartoon characters), but something occurs to me: Have I ever thought to myself "I think I'm in love"? Well...now I have. I always thought being in love something like this furious maelstrom of passion...but much to my surprise, it's actually very calm and soft. It's like the gentlest breeze on a warm summer's day, creating a perfect balance of coolness and warmth.
So, am I in love? Well, the answer to that would be...
-Tabris |
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(sigh) Well, it's official: I'm a paranoid jackass. But can you blame me? Life's hasn't prepared me for anyone that's actually honest and nice. Y'know, the kind of people until just know I didn't think existed outside of fairytales. I've probably scared my poor dearest now...sheesh...being a master of psychology, you think I'd trust my own assessments a little more. I know she isn't just going to up and abandon me on a whim! Why the hell can't I just trust myself on that? It's not like I've never given anyone the benefit of a doubt (which is the main reason I'm so paranoid). Really, Tabs, listen to your intuition. For the first time ever, you sincerely have a good feeling about someone. If you're going to blindly rush head first into yet again, now wouldn't be the worst time in the world.
-Tabris |
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Have you ever been completely helpless? Powerless to do anything about a situation? I hate that feeling. I've had to deal with that feeling my entire life. It used to be I could just numb myself and wait for an opportunity to present itself, but thanks to my goddamn ex-girlfriend, I don't even have that defense anymore. I'm feeling again, and I hate it. My life is miserable, the world is hideous, and it's affecting me again. I remember what it is to get emotionally attached to someone, and I remember that the only thing that brings is pain. The very moment I show the slightest imperfection, I show that I'm not going to conform to them and be their unquestioning puppet, they never want anything to do with me.
(sigh) Okay, okay...so it's not all bad. Even if it always ends in soul-crushing pain, I do like being in love. (blushes) Uh, not that I...um...not...well...maybe I have a tiny crush on a certain someone...and if she talks to me again, swear to God, I'll act as bold as I usually do and I'll...well...I don't know...
My train of thought's getting a bit derailed, so I guess I'll end it here. With Halloween coming up, I'm thinking about decoring my room and stop being bitter about my lost youth! YAYZ!
-Tabris |
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...It's been a few days since I've last heard from her. I know she's been around, yet not a word out of her. I can feel my chest tighten, and...I can't take any more false hope. I'm going to snap this ends up being yet another waste of time! My life...if I don't constantly close my eyes and cover my ears and keep moving, I would lose what sanity I have left.
I need this hope. I need it in the worst possible way. Please let me just be too paranoid, please let it be that I'm so starved for affection that the days seem longer...
Just please let it not be more false hope...
-Tabris |
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...I...Tabris Macbeth, assaulter of culture, bane of the mundane, and self-proclaimed madman...am someone's "ray of hope"... (smiles shyly) Yes, her words.
So...yeah. I'm feeling kind of overwhelmingly warm 'n fuzzy at the moment. (sigh) Wow. Think I'm going to have to lie down a second...
-Tabris |
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...And reading her words...all the annoyances of the world, all my inner struggles, it's all nothing more than dying whispers carried off in the wind.
(smiles dreamily) There's no such thing as love at first sight, is there? Really? I just feel so happy and peaceful around her, and she said something that almost brought tears to my eyes: She wants me to be me.
...Thank you...thank you very much...
-Tabris |
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Racism is an issue that really pisses me off. The stereotypical bigot is too out-of-fashion to really raise my ire. No, what pisses me off are double standards and, more to the point of my reason for writing this, spineless cowards who cringe at words. I'm hardly the biggest fan of racial, homophobic, etc. slurs, but getting all pissy about them is pathetic. I can't stand that sort of weak, coward bullshit. You don't bitch and moan about the things you hate. You grab them by the fucking throat, and you fucking break them to your will. You turn them into a parody, a mockery of what they were. You utterly take them apart and you grin the biggest grin the world while doing, because nothing will defy your will.
(smiles sweetly) Of course, I'm a dom, so it seems only natural that I not back down from such weakness. And I'd like to say big thumbs up for those of you who actually moved on from that "you know what". I'm trying hard to be nice here, but my instincts in the face of opposition, insults, and defiance are...well, they're not very nice. Not very nice, at all. And before anyone gets the bright idea of pushing my buttons, I've been places a lot more hardcore than BDSM sites, so when I try to disfuse a situation, I'll thank you to take the hint and drop it.
Edit: You know what I just realized? I made an effort to take the high road for once, instead of instantly doing what I usually do...which would be taking a very, very low road. And hey, people actually moved on! Huh. I rejoice in offending the ignorant, weak masses...but I'm a little proud of myself for not instantly resorting to the text-based equivilent of a hyper violent knife fight (which does not even begin to explain what I was feeling).
Well...go, me! You just might not succumb to the darkness in the hearts of all men, after all!
-Tabris |
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Oh, fuck me! I spelled my name wrong?! I just had a huge freakout session because thought I lost my account! I usually just choose my name from that pop-up thing with looking, but...yeah, it's supposed to be "Tabris MACBETH", a "B"!
(sigh) How in God's name did I make such a huge screw-up? This is so embaressing...
In better news, another wonderful review for my Teen Titans fanfic "The Things Raven Feels"! Man, I have got to buckle down one of these days, 'cuse if I do this good with someone else's characters, who knows how good an original work could be?
-Tabris |
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NOTICE: Temporarily taking myself off the market, ladies. I was lucky enough to happen across the absolute cutest, sweetest young lady, and... (smiles shyly) I would like to see how this goes. Wish me luck, dears!
-Tabris |
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Ladies and gentlemen...I truly think I'm in my element, for once. In the aprox. one week (probably not even that long) since I've been here, I've had more people message me than I ever did on any other dating site. You people rock!
-Tabris |
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Okay, saw this on the forums, and...well...here:
"I love you not -despite- your flaws, but because of them, for they are an integral part of -you- and you would no be yourself without all your aspects, light, dark, and every shade between."
... (smiles shyly) Yeah...
-Tabris |
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Was gonna continue from that last entry, but...wow! Got another girl who wants to talk to me? And...wow...she's young...yeah, for the record, I look way young and am even younger at heart, but that doesn't change how long I've been in existence.
...Huh...if someone was really old, but they looked really young, I wonder if it would still be icky if they went cradle robbing*...
*Metaphorically speaking, obviously. Stealing babies is wrong, and good luck trying to get any money for them with this recent stock market crash!
-Tabris |
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Talked to that girl who thought I sounded great, and things predictably lead to disappointment. Yeah, I dunno what you might see in my profile, ladies and gentlemen, but it's only the tiniest fraction of my being. I could write enough to fill the Library of Congress, and there would still be details left unsaid. I beg of you, my dears, do not project on me! You're only going to set yourselves up for disappointment!
Things fell apart when this girl, seven years my junior, said I should go back to college. I...basically wanted to say "FUCK NO!". If years bumming around college taught me anything, it's that I wasn't meant for college. Part of why I identify myself as a dom is because I absolutely, positively cannot fucking stand having taking orders or operating on someone else's schedule. Seriously, it got where the idea would make me border on a fucking nervous breakdown. I need to be free. It is in my very nature to be free from any sort of restraints (which makes subs all the more fascinating). I've lost so much of my life taking orders and I will slash my wrists wide open before I sufficate my own soul again.
...That sounds like a little much, doesn't it? Well, it's true. If you know what the former half of my namesake means, then you'll know how much I value free will. If I can't be happy on my own terms, then I'd much rather miserable and free for the rest of my life. To go against my nature...that would be the ultimate betrayal. That could be the single worst thing I could do. You can't keep compromising and not expect to lose a little of yourself in the process. If you believe nothing else I ever say, believe me when I tell you that. Your true self isn't something that you can just flip on and off like a switch. If it was, the emotional coma I went through as a teen wouldn't have left it's scars.
(sigh) So, yeah, please never assume from a nanosecond you know what's good for me. Especially if we just met. I'm not molding myself for anyone's desires. If I did, how dominant would I be, really? Besides...I've had enough of doing that. I want someone who will accept and love me for me. I'm not saying I won't conform because I hate conformity with a venomous passion. I'm saying it because, and call me an old fashion romantic for believing this, it doesn't seem like true love if you can't get past someone's flaws or want to try to mold them into your ideal partner. Yes, I'm entirely aware love requires sacrifice, but I've been through a lifetime of sacrifice. Please never ask anything of me without giving something in return. I don't have much left.
...So...let's just wipe our eyes, let go of those old pains, and move on, shall we?
-Tabris
P.S.- For future reference, please bear in everything I say could possibly be the biggest lie in the universe. It's not, mind you, but you only have my word to go on. A little skepticism is a healthy thing, and I can respect caution.
P.P.S.- Oh my God! I just realized I could have pointed out my seniority to her! Yeah, I forget how old I am half the time, but I am beginning to push 30! Don't you young whipper snappers pretend you know the ways of the world more than me!
I'm doing that the next time someone bordering on being barely legal upsets me. I'm just gonna wax nostalgic, go on and on about little bits of homespun, down-to-earth wisdom, and how the secret to happiness is one little thing...then I'm gonna stare off into space and comment on the sunset, no matter what time it is... |
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(deep breath) Okay...a girl wants to talk to me...wow...yeah, I'm more than a little nervous. I can feel this strong urge to just step back and take a little personal time. Venus favors the bold, though. I'll just take a deep breath, pop in AIM, and...probably pop back out and try again tomorrow.
(sigh) Okay, maybe I'm a little too scared. It's not like she's gonna leap into my arms and start humping away, right? But my life's pretty very quiet and slow paced. Just about anything that requires me to focus for five seconds is a little intense.
...Okay, Tabby...mustn't keep a lady waiting...
-Tabris |
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Was gonna muse about how I'm not jumping at any girl that says one or two things I like and about strangulation...what...but yeah, some other time. It's the middle of the night, and that's getting bumped for something far better: Someone thinks I'm cool! Hehe! Yep, just by being lovable little me, I attracted someone! And in record time, too! Haven't even been here a week and I've got people talking to me! Sweetness!
'kay, too...un-lucid to write more, so k bai i wuvz u.
-Tabris |
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Update: 'nother admirer! Awesome!
I was reading this thread in the "Ask a Sub" section about what makes subs happy, and...oh...oh my goodness...I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed at the ones who said "my master"! That is so sweet! (squeals happily) I love that! If anyone ever called me their master (despite just squealing happily) and said I made them happy...the world could end, blood and hellfire could rain down from the skies, the dead could walk the Earth...and I still couldn't be happier.
And I've really gotta ask myself, how dom is it happily squeal and tear up at the thought of making someone happy? And I spelled "dom" with a lowercase D! How unsuited am I for this?! (On a sidenote, I really like that uppercase-lowercase thing. I'm usually a stickler for moderately proper grammar, but damn it all, it's pretty cute! Now, if someone wrote with uppercase letters strap-on fucking the lowercase letters...yeah, that might be a bit much. Kinda hot, thought.)
-Tabris |
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Six new emails?! Sure, I though, half of these must be phishing scams. But no. Much to my shock, four of them were from here! And two of them aren't names I recognize! Goodness! Have I started charming young ladies with my...well, it can't with anything I've been saying on the forums. I overcome my social phobias by having epic fits of jackassery. Well, hey, if I've wooed someone with my buffoonery, I'm not complaining!
Edit: Sweet! No one's bitching about being offended by anything I said (give that one time) or asking me why I don't have a picture! SEXY HOMERUN!
Edit #2: Oh frick! Meant to muse about this.
Had a terrible headache the other night. Almost felt like I would throw up. That sorta got me wondering what it would be like to get sick with a sub around? "No, Master! Please don't get up! You mustn't excert yourself! Here, let me get under the covers with you and heal you with the warmth of my naked body!"
The warmth of female nudity has healing powers, by the way. It's been proven by scientists and their computers.
-Tabris, coughs a little |
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Got my first admirer! Wootness!
-Tabris |
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"Sir"...is it silly that I giggle with limitless joy at that? I normally think formalities are bit too stuffy for me, but...I just got a message, and when she called me "Sir"...I couldn't help smile a happy kind of smile, which is ever-so-unusual for me...
Thank you for that, dear.
-Tabris |
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It's fun harassing random strangers! YAY!
...Okay, aside from it being fun to just message random strangers for no particular reason, I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I'm trying to come out of my shell more...and that usually involves me acting like a complete jackass. This is I how I communicate to the world: With random nonsense!
-Tabris |
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It...hasn't even been 24 hours, has it? Sheesh, I've lost all sense of time!
I haven't ventured far outside my shell for a very long time, so I must have forgotten how incredibly well I can adapt to a situation. I was seriously nervous about this place when I first came here, but now...hehe! Wow! I feel like taking to this like a duck in water! Maybe entheusiasm and sleep deprivation are clouding my judgement, but I really think I'm gonna like it here.
Okay, no more fretting over finding a girl. I just need to be confident, be myself, and I'm sure everything will fall into place!
-Tabris |
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Okay, browsed around a little...and suddenly, I'm somehow feeling a lot more confident. When I think of dom/sub relationships...well, I'm a shut-in who's seen way too much internet porn, so I had no idea how romantic it could be. It's deliciously kinky, sure, but...it can be really sweet, too. I feel a little more secure with the idea of being a dom. In fact, now that I put a little research into it, I seem to be a natural at this. Of course, good counsel is wasted if people won't listen to it, and I've had to deal with a lifetime of people who wouldn't listen...but I don't think that'll be much of a problem anymore.
(smiles) I think I'm actually a little excited about being a dom now. Now I just gotta find me a cute li'l sub who's into delightfully insane bishonens...
-Tabris |
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I'm barely here a minute, and I've already found someone who I'm absolutely enamored with.
...Really, me? Really? I just had my heart ripped out Sunday, and already I'm crushing on someone? Sheesh. (dreamy sigh) But she is so what I've been looking for! I've been looking for this a little more overtly since the break-up, but...she is so cool! She's the kind of girl I thought only existed in my twisted imagination! But of course, now I'm freaking out about whether or not she's going to bother with me.
(sigh) Of course, if I learned anything recently, I should take things slowly and not fall for someone after ten seconds. Heck, the whole reason I'm here is because I'm trying to get away from anything resembling the usual serious relationship stuff I normally dabble in! I was sorta just expecting to flip around through dirty profiles and giggle, though. I wasn't expecting to find a new object of infatuation...
-Tabris |
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