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Pan Female Dominant, 44,  Dallas, Texas
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OK folks, the now seeking light is back on. It's been a while but I had a much needed break. I don't know about the rest of you, but personal growth can take a lot out of me and sometimes I just have to sit back and go "whew!".

Well I'm now ready for the next step. Stronger, more confident and a bit more aware of some pesky bad habits I have.

I am seeking a new or experienced sub to learn, practice and grow with. At this point I am open to many levels/types of D/s relationship, from casual play to long term power exchange. However, please be willing to follow through with whatever it is you tell me you want. I think I need to add here that when I say "casual" I do not mean "booty call". I still require that we take the proper time to get to know and feel comfortable with one another.

I'm going to add even more disclaimers here. It seems I'm meeting a lot of people who want to race through this stage to the finish line. I get the impression that he is sitting in the backseat constantly yelling out "are we there yet?" You cannot race to the finish line when it comes to getting to know someone. The more you have your mind on the finish line and not on the moment you are in, the less present you are, and the longer it takes. If you just want to "get there", I'm not your girl. The process is important to me and I won't rush it. Believe me, if I know you well, the finish line will be a whole lot more fun and satisfying.

Now on to the fun stuff--I am somewhat sadistic so you need to enjoy pain or at least be able to tolerate it. My general interests include; power exchange, some humiliation, watersports and foot/shoe worship.

About me? Well, what can I say about me that you can't figure out better by reading my journal entries. It's all there, but if you want the shorthand version...I don't take life very seriously, I love to have fun, I'm intelligent, insightful, creative, spontaneous, and intense. I'm an artist and I love ALL forms of art and creative expression.

Now for what I am NOT seeking:

I live with my two grown children so I can't have any naked housekeepers or sissy maids running around.

Please be local. I am not looking to import a sub. If you are not in the DFW area I won't respond.

Please be close to my age-preferably no younger than 35 and no older than 50.

I am not interested in being part of your travel itinerary, nor will I be "discreet" so your wife doesn't find out.

I will also not respond to anyone who does not have a profile or whose profile has not been filtered through a spell/grammar check.











Last Online:


 Dominant Female



 5' 2"

 175 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Submissive Female

Submissive Male

Switch Men

 Lives For:

 Cane / Crop Discipline


 Renaissance Faires



 Public Exhibition

 Hair Pulling

 Public Play



 Puzzle Games

 Science Fiction

 True Crime (Expert)

 Beading (Expert)






 Alternative Music

 Blue Grass

 Heavy Metal Music


 Amusement Parks

 Antique Shows

 Art Galleries

 Coffee Shops

 Fine Dining

 Flea Markets



 Anal Play



 Local BDSM Community

 Foot Worship

 Humiliation / Degradation


 Obedience Training






 Online Chatrooms

 Web Surfing



 Intellectual Discourse







 Classical Music

 Folk Music

 Industrial Music

 Nineties Music


 Punk Rock Music


 Rock Music

 Seventies Music


 Alternative Medicine (Expert)

 Cross Stitch

 Curious About:



 Genital Punishment

 Fire Play


 Knife Play

 Outdoor Bondage

 Role Playing



 Suspension Bondage

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Journal Entries:
9/17/2009 4:33:36 PM
Thank you to all of you who sent messages offering condolences.  It's much appreciated.  I'm still very saddened by his passing but I can't help but remember how fun and funny and full of life he was.  At 87 he had more zest for life than most people half his age and he was so inspiring I feel honored to have known him.   

9/9/2009 6:18:05 PM
I lost a very special friend today.  He was 87 years old and passed quickly and without a lot of fuss, just as he would have wanted it.  I knew his time was coming soon and especially in the last year I have treasured every moment I was able to spend with him.  He was a singularly unique and special individual and the world is a sorrier place for losing him. 

I know he will live on in all of the lives he touched.  I know he will live in mine. 

Good bye friend.  I will miss you.

7/15/2009 4:44:10 PM

The Best Laid Plans

Often go awry.

I was sitting on the sofa, relaxing after a long day at work and I began to hear a horrible wailing sound.  Mwroweeeerrrrrrrrr, Mwroweeeerrrrrrrrr, Mwroweeeerrrrrrrrr. OMG! What is going on?? It sounded like one of my cats was being killed.

I jumped up and started searching the house for the source of this terrible noise. I soon found my little girl cat, Pepper, under the buffet. Her whole body was heaving in gut wrenching spasms and a horrible, alarming, wail like a broken siren was emanating from her tiny body. It was pathetic. But what was even worse is she was about to unload her dinner all over my new carpet! Ewwww!!

The good news was, she was a few feet away from the bathroom and a nice linoleum floor. I figured I’d pick her up and move her a few feet before she hurled because I thought it’d be a lot easier to pick up hot steamy vomit from linoleum than shaggy Berber carpet. I reached out and grabbed her around her bulging middle but ummmmm… it didn’t go too well.

Apparently Pepper was pretty traumatized and when I grabbed her, her distress became a total blinding, freak out panic. She flipped out!! She flew from my arms in an acrobatic spinning leap and simultaneously hurled the contents of her stomach. Bleeeehhhhhhhh!!!!!!! An arc of kitty vomit flew before my eyes. She hit the ground running and hid in the kitchen leaving me there to deal with the aftermath of my ill-thought plan.

I stood there blinking. Wondering how the hell things went so wrong. One minute I’m relaxing in my shiny new apartment after a long day, and the next minute I’m standing in my hallway with kitty vomit on the carpet, kitty vomit on the tile, kitty vomit on the buffet, kitty vomit on the bookshelf, kitty vomit on the door frame, kitty vomit on me and a bleeding hand. 

Kitty-1 Owner-0

7/4/2009 3:44:17 PM
Sticking it to the Man!

I called my Mom last weekend and when she got to the phone she was huffing and puffing and all out of breath and was she pissed!! 

"What's going on?" I asked her.

"Oh, your $%&@ father!  He had me up on the roof helping him with another stupid antenna he said he has to have for this HGTV thing, and then I finally told him I was about to pass out-it was HOT up there and I have vertigo!  So he tells me I can go ahead and get down and when I was trying to get on the ladder I banged the shit out of my knee"

"Oh- well are you alright"

"Yeah, I'm alright, but %^#& I don't know why your #$%^& father needs another #$%^& antenna!"

Hmmmm I wondered too. What could HGTV have to do with another antenna. His antenna is for HAM radio. Hmmmm......

Well I was in luck. A few minutes into the call and he'd come down from the roof too. Mom asked me if I wanted to talk to him. I think she was still so mad she worried if he talked to her she might kill him.

"Hi Daddy-so what's going on with the antenna?"

"Oh well I got another antenna and I was working on putting the antenna up on the tower and and I had your mother on the roof helping me, but there wasn't really much she could do so I had her get down."

"So what do you need another antenna for?"

OK- get ready, this is a good one.

"Oh, well I have this 19 inch set in the bedroom and I got a digital adapter for it, but I need an antenna so I can get a signal on it. "


"Daddy why didn't you just get another box for the dish?"

"Well they charge so damn much for a box, I didn't want to pay it!"

"It's only about $5 per month.  How much did the antenna cost?"

"I paid $49 for it."  He said proudly. He musta got a deal on it.

"Well that's not bad, but you know the extra box really isn't that much and you'd get all the channels."

"Oh I know.  Well it was partly the challenge."

Hmmmmm-OK now it ALL fit into place.  Paying $49 and spending 3 days (yes that's how long he'd spent on the project  even though I didn't mention it earlier) and dragging my 71 year old mother onto the roof just to stick it to those $%&* politicians that forced that #$&% digital signal down our throats.

"Oh, I see.  So it's your way of sticking it to the man?"

He chuckled, a little embarassed.  "Well uh huh, I guess so"

"Well OK then. Carry on"

3/14/2009 6:54:04 AM
Why ya Gotta be such a $%&* About it!

I was driving home from work last week and there was an accident up ahead on the freeway. The two left lanes were moving, but I was entering on the right and it was slow going as the middle right lane merged with the right lane and those of us from the on-ramp. It was slow going, but not too bad and I figured it would only slow me down by 5min at most.

So I sat there in the stop and go traffic as we inched by the accident site. When I got to the area of the accident and was just about to pass the bottleneck into free moving traffic, a police car attempted to merge into my lane. At that time there was no ambulance, fire truck, tow truck, no wrecked cars, no injured victims, just a couple of police cars and some orange cones.  I figured the cop was leaving so I stopped to let him in. (BIG mistake)

Instead of merging into the lane, he stopped his car across the lane and got out.  I sat there for a second pretty puzzled not really sure what to do. I have a whole lane of traffic backed up behind me and there I was, just sitting, a few feet from miles of empty highway.

I figured I'd go around the cop car onto the shoulder, guessing he was routing traffic that way for some reason.  So I turned the wheel and started to inch past his car.

Out of the blue, the cop turns around and screams at me "STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY DO YOU THINK I PULLED IN THAT WAY???!!!!"

Well of course I didn't have a clue why he pulled in that way, but I didn't tell him that.  I boiled and seethed. What the hell? Am I a mind reader or something?  What an ASS! Here I was trying to do him a favor and look what it got me. If I'd just kept going, he'd have screamed at the next guy instead of me and I'd be almost home by now.

So I sat there, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. If I couldn't go around him on the shoulder how was I supposed to get by? How long was I supposed to sit there?

Finally I rolled down the window and asked another cop what I was supposed to do. His illuminating response was "just wait".  So I waited.

A few minutes later as they were picking up cones and one of the other cop cars had left and no one had yet deemed me (and the 50 cars behind me) worth their bother, I rolled down the window and asked "Can I go yet?".  He scowled at me "yeah go".

Gheez!  I wonder if I hadn't asked if I'd still be sitting there?

I used to like cops.

3/5/2009 7:29:04 PM
Crap! I wrote a whole new journal entry and when I went to post it the computer hiccuped and the whole thing went "Poof"!

OK- I'll get to it this weekend.

9/16/2008 8:20:48 PM
Green Light, Red Light  (or sort of reddish light)

My daughter called me at work last week and told me I got a citation from the City for running a red light. "What! I don't run red lights! When was it" She gave me the date. "Oh, that was on a Friday. Well what time?" She told me. "Oh, that's when I drive home from work.  Well where was it?" She told me. " Oh, yeah I hate that intersection. I always have to wait 2-3 times through the light"

It wasn't looking good.

Then she told me that I could look up the video online and see what the camera saw.  I got off the phone and logged into the website and there I was, one picture of my car right at the intersection, my tires right on the line, and there was the light, not green, not yellow, but RED.

And then, there I am all the way in the intersection and the light is still RED.  I'm screwed. The car looks like mine (check), the license plate is mine (check), it's me driving because it's a Friday night at the intersection from hell (check) AND the light is not green and it's not yellow (check).  At least I wasn't speeding.  (shrug)

But... I still have an ace up my sleeve. I do collections at work and I hear every kind of excuse possible and many are quite creative and clever. So I have all that extensive knowledge base to draw on. I have an edge.

Well that very day a customer called and was complaining about the late fees on his account. In the course of a LOOOOONG conversation with him he asserted that it wasn't his fault because we did not make our letters look important enough, so he thought they were junk mail and threw them away.

Even though he was kind of annoying, after talking to him, I had an epiphany (it kinda hurt) I realized the answer to getting out of this ticket. I took another look at the photo and sure enough on closer inspection I realized that the light was only kinda sorta but not really completely red. In other words, it wasn't red enough! So I ran it.

What a scam!!!

8/20/2008 5:39:54 PM
I don't really find the olympics all that interesting. I suppose for some people it really is all it's cracked up to be, but honestly I just can't wait til it's all over and TV and newpapers can get back to what they normally do.   Reporting irrelevant stories that people really care about!

I'm a little concerned that the level of controversy is just not living up to the standards of the past. I mean this year we have such things as bathing suits and goggle malfunctions making the news, but that all seems pretty lame. I mean I want REAL controversy! What happened to the good ole day when athletes would whack their oponents in the knee with a steel pipe! Now THAT's controversy.

Now we did have a little temper tantrum in the form of throwing a medal because it was a Bronze and not the Gold the athlete thought he'd earned. (or something like that) and while it's in the vein of a proper controversy, I think it really lacked the scope and breadth to make it a classically entertaining controversy.  In a few weeks (maybe sooner-you DO know the guy I'm talking about, right?) everyone will forget about the little hissy fit. But no one, will ever EVER forget the kneecapping incident.  It's just one of those controversies that withstands the test of time.

Oh and there's just nothing all that scary about China either. Oh pollution! oooooh- oh no! the big bad pollution is going to get me! Somehow it's just not that sinister. Not like the bombing at the olympics in Atlanta several years ago. Now that was scary. Remember when the Olympics were scary because some of the countries really didn't get along well with others?  I suppose it's nicer this way, we all get our fix of product endorsement and feel good stories of dedication and determination, all seems rather bland.

Then again, maybe if I'd actually watched them......

8/8/2008 4:26:34 PM
The Magic Tower

I and my daughter (grown) were both magical women. Sorceressess I guess. (shrug) We needed to reach the magical tower that stood on an island in the center of a lake. All of the greatest magicians were there and we were going to break in. I don't know why- but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I summoned my magical horse and the two of us rode bareback as the horse leapt into the water and swam to the small island. Once there my daughter and I and the baby (what baby?- well now there's a baby-just stay with me here) prepared ourselves to sneak in the back door.  In my zeal however I had forgotten to put on clothes. Yes, I was completely naked.

I turned to my daughter and told her that perhaps I should have worn clothes. I was concerned that I might be spotted by the people inside if I were to walk in unclothed.  Not to fear-quick thinking Sorceress that I am, I come up with a brilliant plan.

I will just hold the baby in front of me!  No one will notice a thing.

I woke up before I found out if it worked or not.

5/9/2008 9:29:12 PM
Oh boy is that pitiful or what. Well life is good again, dang I don't know what happened. Strangely enough, even though it's "all about me" I really never enjoy a pity party.  I'm a coconut, so what? They bounce. 

5/7/2008 8:38:25 PM
I've been feeling a bit angsty lately. Now I don't think I've had any gloomy journal entries in a while and I'm generally cheerful, so I think I'm due.

I used to be an idealistic person, even somewhat (OK, a lot) naive. I'm not that way any more. I like to say I'm a realist, but really that's sugar coating it. I'm cynical. The good news about being cynical is that I'm hardly ever disappointed any more. I know that sounds cynical but....

Honestly I'm a lot more even tempered and my world feels so much more managable. I don't have those big letdowns, those betrayals and devastating losses but....

sometimes I miss my old, idealistic self. 

I remember one time I had a layover in a New York airport and I remember how hard faced and kind of suspicious all the New Yorkers looked. There I was with my wide eyed wonder fresh from the New Age capital of the world, Sedona AZ. I remember thinking that I'd rather have an open, fresh, happy face, than look so pinched, clenched, wary....

I think I might look like that sometimes now.

I know I'm not an egg any more. I had a conversation with Angela back when I wrote that journal entry and she said she was somewhere in the middle of egg and coconut. Maybe a melon.

Maybe I'm a melon. I don't know. I kinda think I'm a bit of a coconut these days. What changed? Well I remember thinking I didn't want to be prey any more. I remember thinking I'd wished I'd understood that years ago and known how to avoid being seen as weak, as someone to be used. I remember being happy  and feeling like I could keep myself safe, like I finally knew how and that meant I didn't have to depend on anyone.

It all started so well and then somewhere it wasn't right.

I think I'll practice looking fresh faced and vulnerable. Just to see if I still can.

12/11/2007 8:30:00 PM
To Pee or Not to Pee

You might wonder how a subject as inocuous and seemingly obvious as peeing could be controversial. Well of course, I can make almost anything controversial and contemplative. (well, sort of) So, with no further ado (whatever the hell ado is anyway) here we go.
Last night I went to bed around 10:30. As I lay there attempting to drift off to sleep I realized I'd not brushed my teeth. "Dammit!" I thought, I really didn't want to get up and go brush my teeth, but my mouth had that yucky thick feeling and it just wasn't making sleep come any easier. Still, I was too lazy to get up and go brush them. I laid there, trying to forget about the gookiness and just SLEEP DAMMIT! You know, I kept thinking that once I fell asleep it wouldn't matter. It's not like I was going to have stinky breath nightmares or anything.
I tossed, I turned, I tried to forget about it. There was just no way I was going to get up just to brush teeth that weren't going to offend anyone anyway. It's time for bed, I'm in bed, I'm tired and I'm NOT GETTING UP!
Then, the next thing you know, I'm standing up, the light is on, and I'm heading for the bathroom. "What the hell?" I think, "what did I get up for?"  Oh yeah, I need to brush my teeth. No wait? I don't want to get up just to brush my teeth. I consider going back to bed. "No, nevermind, I'm up, I might as well get them brushed so I can go to sleep".
I walk into the bathroom and give them a good brushing. "Ahhhhhh" nice and clean. Now I can rest easily with clean minty fresh breath. I head back into the bedroom, snuggle up under the covers and turn off the light and wait for sleep to take me. Then it hits me.
I have to pee.
I didn't get up to brush my teeth, I got up to pee!
Needless to say I had to make another trip to the bathroom. This time there was no teeth brushing involved. I took care of the peeing and went back to bed, and finally, with a comfy bladder and clean teeth I was able to drift off.

NOTE-I am happy that many of you have enjoyed this story, however please refrain from offering your services as a toilet.

12/1/2007 6:29:42 AM
The Can Opener

I had such a good response to my story of my crazy Mom that I thought I'd add one about my crazy Dad. (yeah, he's crazy too) There is no BDSM element to this one so I hope you aren't too disappointed.

I don't think you will be, this is good.

My Dad had a really big day on Tuesday. He purchased a new can opener! No, not an electric one, the hand held type. He's very proud of it. He showed it to me when I came home from work on Tuesday. Here's the deal.
About a week ago, he noticed the handle of his can opener was cracked and there was a small piece missing out of it. He showed me this mysterious crack and commented that it appeared it had been dropped. I nodded gravely and agreed, "yes, it does appear as if it were dropped" He replied that he would probably have to buy a new can opener. To which I replied "yes, you probably will". (it was a very intense moment when we realized the can opener would need replacing)
A few days later he showed me the can opener again. I guess it was weighing heavily on his mind. He showed me the crack, and the place where a piece of the plastic was missing. "oh yes" I responded "you showed it to me the other day" He replied "oh, I already showed it to you?" "yes" I responded.
"well", he says, "I think I'll have to buy a new one"
"yes" I replied and then I nodded and stuff.
Then he told me that he really liked my can opener. The one I had down at the lake. "oh yeah" I said "that's a nice can opener" to which he replied "yes, I opened a can with it once, and I really liked it"
I nodded some more and then excused myself and left for work.
The next day he mentioned that Khols was having a sale on all of their kitchen products, so he was going to go there and check their prices on can openers. "oh good" I said, then excused myself and left for work.
Well, when I came home later that day (Tuesday, if you recall) he proudly showed me his NEW can opener, and is it ever a DOOZIE!!! Wow! it's red and it has squishy rubber handles. He showed me the handles and told me how much he liked them. "oh! those are nice handles" I said. "very nice. It looks like a fine can opener"
Later I asked my mother if he had shown her the new can opener. "oh yes," she replied, "I've already admired it"

11/20/2007 6:35:58 PM
"brain the you belong to become want"

A seemingly nice young man from Turkey just sent me this message. I don't know if I should be offended or not. I have to wonder if I did manage to import this Turkish slave to Dallas (I'm concerned about import taxes), how would I ever tell him what I want? "put you the mover in move before then" (go put gas in my car now) or "make the hot drink of pot" (make a pot of coffee) or "suck the hairs beneath the feet" (vacuum the carpet).

And with that I'm at a loss for a 2nd paragraph. It was planning to further astound you with my wit, but I have to admit I'm stumped. You will just have to imagine for yourself what the impact such a language barrier would be on verbal humiliation. All without colorful examples.

Sorry all.

10/27/2007 7:41:43 AM
Grandma and Lady Heather

Like most mothers out there, mine is a little whacked. (OK-a LOT whacked). She means well, but…..


About a year ago I was talking to my son, who at the time was 20. We had all been living with my parents for a while and sometimes we had to get away and depressurize. So we were in the car going somewhere and sharing stories when he told me of a conversation he had with my mother. (his grandmother-keep this in mind).


Keep in mind too that growing up my sex education was rather limited as my parents were far from comfortable with the subject. I think the complete course in the Birds and the Bees from Mom went something like this “It’s something really wonderful that you do with someone you love”.


I’m not sure this jived with the mountains of porn found under my Dad’s side of the bed. But although twisted, I learned a lot more from Hustler than I did from Mom. No wonder I was confused.


But I digress. (I do that a lot)


So in the course of our chatting I brought up one of the family dogs, that was always a source of much stress. I mentioned that it appeared they had purchased a harness for him.


“OMG!”, my son said, “Do you know what Grandma said to me?”


“What?” I asked warily.


“Well I came in to the kitchen and saw the harness on the table, so I was just goofing around (like mother like son) and I put it on. Then when I turned around to show it off Grandma said “Oh! I didn’t know you were into leather?”.


“OH MY GOD! You’re kidding!” I reply, totally shocked, but then not completely shocked, this is MY mother we are talking about here. These days I never knew what's going to come out of her mouth. I laugh nervously, thinking poor kid, to hear that from his Grandmother. He could be scarred for life.


Well apparently it gets better. (or worse, depending on how you look at it)


“Yeah” he replied “and then a couple of weeks ago she said something else.”


Oh God, I’m thinking, now what? I’m afraid to ask.


“Well you know that episode of CSI with the leather lady in it?”


Well yes, of course I do. I remember it well. I also know that my Mother is completely hooked on CSI and ALL cops and detective shows. It’s all she watches. So I know she’s seen every episode at least half a dozen times. I also know that CSI doesn’t do a very good job of showing the kinkier side of life. They generally put their titillating spin on things. But….let’s she what she thought of Lady Heather.


“Yes”, I respond, far more than wary now. Terrified maybe?


“Well they (Grandma and Grandpa) were watching that episode of CSI and there’s that part in it where they go into that BDSM place she (Lady Heather) has and they show these men that the women are doing stuff too and I walked in while they were at that part and I made a comment about it”




“And so Grandma gets all serious, you know, dramatic like she does”


“uh huh”


“and says “well (deep dramatic pause with a sigh like she really and truly understands how painful life can be for some people and that she is wise and knowing) you know some men need that sort of thing, (nodding sadly-with another dramatic pause) it’s the only way they can have an orgasm”


“What! OMG! She didn’t?” I'm shocked. I don't think I EVER heard the word "orgasm" in that house. I'm surprised she even knows it! (maybe she heard it on CSI?)


“yes, she did, and I was like, I’m outta here!” I think he was turning a little red just talking about it.


“OMG! Well you poor thing” But I couldn’t help but laughing, and the more I thought of it, the more I laughed. What could possibly be more ludicrous than my clueless Mother, in her most enlightened and tolerant manner, explaining to her grandson why some men like to get tied up and beaten, and managing to get it all wrong in the process.


Sigh, what’s a Mother to do?

10/6/2007 6:29:37 PM
A dear friend (ahem) pointed out to me that I had mispelled the word grammar (now corrected) in the portion of my profile in which I stated that I would not consider a profile that had not been run through a spell or grammar check.

How typical of me.

2/26/2007 7:09:14 PM
Meet Mr. Smith-

I attended my first ever Leatherfest this weekend. I arrived right about the time my girlfriend had left for lunch, so I wandered in to see what was going on. After looking around a bit I sat down in the hotel lobby so I could see when she arrived. While I was waiting an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair was talking to the desk clerk. He had rolled in from the retirement center next door and was asking to speak to one of the other girls that worked there. After being told several times she would be back on Monday and attempting to get rid of him so they could get back to work, he turned to leave and spied me sitting there.

His face lit up. "Hello there!" he said brightly. "Hello", I replied. He rolled himself a little closer.

"What is this event that's going on?" He asked me.

Attempting to be discreet, as the leatherfolk were not the only people at the hotel, I replied. "Oh, it's a leather event"

Not to be daunted with my cryptic response he asked "Well what's that?"

I hemmed and hawed around a bit.

"What do you all do?" He asked.

Another cryptic response. "Oh we have workshops and stuff"

"What kind? What are they about?"

Heavy sigh. OK at this point I was getting a little nervous as he's a bit hard of hearing and I'm shouting across the lobby at him.

"Come closer" I said, "I don't want to shout across the lobby".

He rolled a bit closer and I kind of half mumbled, "it's BDSM"

"Baby Showers?" he responded.

I laughed, and now really more than a little flustered I looked over at the desk clerk who offered no help at all. He was clearly enjoying this. I looked at the clerk and said "he is going to make me shout across the lobby" The clerk just grinned.

"Come closer" I said again.

He rolled even closer. I leaned in and cupped my hands around my mouth.

"Do you know what BDSM is?"


Arghhhhh-this was getting worse by the second. Ok try again.

"It's where people experience pain as pleasure and for fun"

"Ooooh! So you all just kind of do your own thing?"

He asked me for a few other details, such as do you use whips and things like that and I told him some people do and that there was a lot of variety and it was all very interesting.

Then he asked me if some of the people might be homosexual. Well this was a Leather event and it was entirely possible there were some gay people there. I told him so.

"Well he says, I was in the restaurant and there were a couple of fellas at a table. And the one fella kind of moved to sit close to the other one and I... well I thought maybe.... they might have been.... welll (it took him quite a while to say it) you know, gay"

"Yeah", I nodded sagely, "they very well might have been".

Then I spotted my girlfriend and jumped up to give her a hug. I'm sorry, I never got your name.

"Jim Smith" I shook his hand.

"It's a pleasure to have met you Mr. Smith"

10/15/2006 6:28:01 AM
Just a note to those who email me. I'm doing quite a bit of juggling in my personal life right now. Home, work, family (the BIG one), my art etc.... So it's taking me a while to answer and I have even less time to really get to know anyone. Yes, I AM as impatient as you are. But real life has priority.

9/23/2006 5:54:07 PM
and last night I dreamed I was with a woman of power and strength. "She" was a creature of imagination of legend of fantasy. I respected, admired and feared her but I did not bow to her. She had in her service another woman, a weak, trouble making sort who complained. She had also a man, weak also, who grovelled before her and craved her presense like an addiction.

She tormented him each day with staples coated with a potent drug. To get the drug he was addicted to he had to press into his flesh one of the drugged staples. Then the pain of the staple would be dulled by the drug and he would drift off again, satisfied for one more day. After months of this the staples covered most of his chest. Rows upon rows of shining silver metal embedded in his muscular torso.

Finally one morning he awoke and could do it no more. Empowered by the complaints of the other woman he rose and left and the other woman left with him. I knew they were leaving. I did not stop them. I knew "she" would bring them back if "she" wished.

"She" returned and I told her "they have gone". She said nothing, but turned and left and I followed. We began to search for them.

and I woke

9/23/2006 7:52:17 AM
A couple of days ago someone asked me what my darkest fantasy was. I had to say that my fantasies weren't really of the dark sort and that I'm not a dark person.

But lately I've had the strangest dreams......

I'm a little girl and I'm standing in the murky waters of a swamp surrounded by towering trees dripping with moss. A mist hovers over the waters that stir with unseen things beneath. I'm not afraid, this is my domain, my realm. I call out, with a strange eerie sound that echos off the trees, chilling the hearts of all who hear it. I know I'm frightening. I know all who travel this way fear me. I know I am the stuff of legends.

A quick movement under the water near my legs startles me. I am no longer hunter, but prey. I jump and wake, heart pounding.

8/23/2006 5:11:48 AM
I had an epiphany about the universe when I awoke from a dream last night. It was as if the whole of creation congealed into a binding logic. I felt great peace and serenity.

I sure wish I could remember what it was.

8/3/2006 7:55:09 PM
Random Ponderings

Faced with many new challenges in my life I felt a bit overwhelmed. Terrified even. I faced the mountain of uncertainty in front of me with dread and felt completely incapable of surmounting it.

I wondered if there was someone out there who would hold my hand and reassure me along the way. Someone who would care enough to be my life coach, my cheerleader for a while. I talked to many people but no one seemed to want the job.

I met a few people along they way who gave me a few tips and hints, and sometimes without knowing I was watching, learning, leaning, I used them to climb a little higher. I don't think they minded, they seemed to be using me for some need of their own and I suppose as long as we both got something from our interaction it was good.

I kept looking, but climbed anyway and then one day I realized I'd come a long, long way.

It's too bad there isn't someone there to turn to and hug and thank for all they had done for me. Someone who could see the person I had become, having known the person I was. Someone who could celebrate with me.

Angela....yes, she was there all the while. Even if we did not speak of those things. Even if we spent our time giggling and laughing like school girls instead of pondering our psyches. Even if instead of climbing hills we skipped and danced up them.

Perhaps that is how I came so far so fast. Can these things happen without words describing them? Can we just hold hands without saying "I am holding your hand and I will help you climb".

Maybe the others were there too and took me as far as they could go. Is my life richer now because many people hold parts of me? Or have I been made vulnerable? How can those who forget me make me stronger?

How does this happen?

7/17/2006 8:00:46 PM
A while back a Dom emailed me with this query. "Hello, what kind of experience do you have to offer?"

At the time I was a bit stumped so I wrote him back with the first thing that came to mind.

"I am an accomplished smart ass"

I never heard back from him. I guess it's a skill he found no use for.

But it did get me to thinking. What other skills or experience do I have to offer? In the weeks following his question I've come up with a few things I'd like to share.

I am a good whistler.

I am very good at tickling children.

I am very good at buying shoes.

I'm very good at stepping over dogs and cats.
I'm very good at scratching cats.

I can color in the lines.

I can steer a car with my fingernails

I can change into pajamas in 16.5 seconds

I can recite the Jabberwocky

and last, but not least, I can sing along to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Musical

5/31/2006 5:05:22 AM
No clever lead in this time. Not even a not-so-clever lead in.

Nope, no lead in at all.

I had a dream that someone on CM emailed me having noticed a few changes to my profile. One of them was 38W? (he wrote it exactly like that, 38 with a W and a ?) Hmmmmmm I thought, what does this mean. I went to CM and checked my profile and lo and behold there is was, my breast size listed as 38W.

Silly me

I guess (that's dream me guessing, just in case you got confused) that I had accidentally hit my scroll button while selecting my breast size and inadvertently landed on W.

No wonder I was getting ALL those emails. (dream me, remember?)

5/18/2006 5:58:15 PM

If you are repulsed, nauseated or offended by talent shows, pop music or reality TV, PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION. The following blog contains extremely juvenille and sickeningly obnoxious American Idol related material. I will not be held liable for any nausea, projectile vomiting or head injuries due to banging ones head on the wall. You have been warned, proceed at your own risk.


Taylor Hicks! Taylor Hicks! Taylor Hicks! Taylor Hicks!!!!!

YEAH!!!! Taylor's in the TOP TWO!!!

We love you Taylor!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Taylor! Taylor! He's my man, if he can't do it noone can!!!!!


Play that funky music white boy!


5/5/2006 8:03:06 AM

"To sleep, perchance to dream-aye, there's the rub."

My friend Angela called to see if I wanted to go have dinner. I said "sure", and she told me to meet her at this new place with big salad bar. She sat down to order something and I grabbed my plate, and told her I was hungry and was going to get something from the salad bar.

Holding my plate I entered an enormous room with serving counters all the way around it. The first thing I saw were deserts, which I didn't want until I'd had some dinner. Then I noticed some real food (or at least it looked that way) but it had some strange name I didn't recocnize and there was no one to ask. The food was behind a screen so I couldn't get to it.

What the hell was I supposed to do? There were people crowding everywhere, all getting food, but me. I saw a bowl with some Raspberry looking stuff and asked out loud "what's that?"

"Sauce" someone replied. I scowled. Not helpful. What was it made out of? What did it go on? What did it taste like? GRRRRRR

What the hell was all this stuff anyway. Everywhere I looked all the food had weird names and didn't look like anything I'd ever eaten before. And where was the DAMN help?

Finally in frustration I took my plate and left the room. Crowding through a narrow area I refused to apologize to the woman I pushed out of the way. Grouchy and hungry I headed back to the table.

When I got there Angela was busy munching. I put my plate on the table and sat down dejectedly. Not looking up she said "Honey, you've hardly eaten thing".

"I haven't eaten ANYTHING!" I shouted. "This place sucks! Everything has weird names, there's no help! I can't serve myself!"


Wha? HUH???? Oh Damn! It's time to get up

4/25/2006 8:48:00 AM
Bad Poetry

Ok, I REALLY hate to be snarky (actually I thought I should apologize in advance for being snarky but I don't really feel bad about it) BUT folks PLEASE let's lay off on the BAD poetry.

Ok, I've written it. YES! I have written plenty of BAD, REALLY BAD poetry, but I DO NOT inflict this BAD poetry on others. Do you know that posting bad poetry on the boards or on your profile is sort of like trying out for American Idol when you really can't sing? Maybe it's great when you're drunk and singing karaoke with your friends (who love you) OR singing at your sister's wedding (who loves you) or for your unmentionables (who also love you-although that didn't keep my unmentionables from crying when I sang). BUT inflicting your BAD poetry on complete strangers is just WRONG. You would not (or maybe YOU would) just start singing badly in the middle of a crowd, would you? So why in heavens name would you inflict BAD poetry on the general public without warning them first?

Ok, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Writing poetry is a skill, a talent like any other. Why would anyone assume, that just because they can type that they can write poetry? Would you consider yourself a pianist just because you can bang on the keys? Ok, just because Mrs. Volpe, in the 3rd grade, gave you an A on your Haiku assignment it doesn't mean you were destined for poetic greatness. She was just being nice. She didn't want you to have low self esteem.

I don't care if you have low self esteem, just as long as I don't have to read your bad poetry. I'm sure you are good at other things, stick to that. Please.

Leave the BAD poetry to the experts.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation

4/14/2006 7:15:36 PM

We can’t all be coconuts.


Coconuts have a hard outer shell that protects the inside quite well. A coconut doesn’t need any special handling or coddling or care. It can take a lot of abuse and the insides are OK. I suppose if you wanted to transport one all you have to do is toss it in the back of the trunk and drive off. It can rattle around back there and you can just forget all about it. All that yummy coconut milk is still in there, and that sweet white meat that lines the walls is safe from harm. But, by the same token, it takes and awful lot of work to get in there if all you want is a bite of coconut. AND, if you’re REALLY hungry, starving even,  and all you have is a coconut and no way to break it open, you’re gonna keep on being hungry.


That’s why some of us have to be eggs. Yes, eggs require a lot of care. They have to be specially packaged in nice squishy boxes with little nests made just for their special shape. You can’t put anything heavy on top of them or crowd them and you definitely shouldn’t drop them or toss them around. They are extremely fragile and if you want to transport one you must be mindful of it at all times, you can NEVER forget you are carrying an egg. But the egg yields up it’s nutrition easily. It doesn’t hoard it’s riches, it’s life giving sustenance, it shares it, easily readily, generously. Opening with the gentlest of taps. Ready to feed and nourish the hungry.

4/13/2006 9:22:39 AM

Sometimes our children surprise us. Especially when they are 19 and we are used to them behaving and thinking like arrogant teenagers, disrupting the whole house over a video game death or leaving the rest of us to close cabinets, refill ice trays and reminding us they are NOT children any more!


I went to pick my "grown" son up from a day of playing paint ball, and on the way home he told me a story of something quite unexpected that happened that day, and his also unexpected response to it.


He was waiting to begin another round of paintball when he glanced over at a teammate who was standing completely still, head back, eyes shining, staring up at the sky. My son wondered what he was looking at, and in the moment when he realized he was having a seizure, the young man fell back and hit the ground.


My son had seen this sort of thing before, and I never knew. It seems he has another life he doesn’t talk much about, and in which remarkable things happen.  I’ve never seen such a thing. And yet at 19 he’s seen it several times and knew exactly what to do. It’s always been that way with him. Remarkable events just seem to unfold around him. Sometimes he’s prepared and sometimes he’s not.


This time he knew what to do. He ran to the young man and turned him to the side, and called for help, called for the game to stop and for a call to 911. He held his head to keep him from hurting himself. Prepared he said, to use fingers if he had to, to keep him from choking.


I wonder how my son, who can’t manage the stress of filling out a job application or remember to return a video game AND wash his work shirt in the same day, could so calmly handle this crisis. Like I said, our children surprise us.


But what impressed me the most was his reaction to the experience and the fact that he shared it with me, although he lacked the proper words and was a little embarrassed to say the things he did. He told me when he first looked over at the young man and saw him staring at the sky, it looked like he was “seeing God”. He said when he held him in his arms it was like he was holding his own child. He felt he was very tender and precious and he needed to protect him. He said when they were all around him he felt a connection to the group, as if they all moved and reacted together as one mind with one goal. He said he wanted nothing else in that moment but to save this young man.


He said the experience profoundly changed him. I imagine it will probably have little impact on ice trays or cabinet doors, but I’m hoping it will change the way he sees himself and the world. I’m hoping he’ll carry that sense of awe and wonder with him and know forever that he experienced something completely unique and special. I’m hoping he’ll realize it’s the seconds and minutes that cause our lives to change course. I hope he’ll understand and find comfort in that sense of order as he embarks on his future. I don’t know if he will, but it’s what I hope.


Who knows? He might surprise me. 

3/24/2006 1:12:07 PM
Someone has made the mistake of encouraging me. So, here goes.

The Tao of the Tootsie Pop

I know we ALL remember how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. THREEE! Right? Except, we all know that Owl cheated.

So what, pray tell, does that have to do with anything? Well, I'll tell you. Owl was an authority figure, a wise knowlegable, paternal figure, someone to look up to, someone to learn from. I think some people like to give others the impression that's who and what they are, but when it comes time to give the answers......

The wee girlie (ok I KNOW it was a boy in the old ads, but stay with me here) approaches owl with her question. "Oh Wise One, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of the Tootsie Pop?"

"hmmmm, give me your Tootsie Pop wee Girlie and I'll tell you" The wee girlie, awestruck, with absolute trust in Owls wisdom hands over her precious Tootsie Pop.

"one, two, CRUNCH!!!!!!! THREE!", smiling wisely, sagely Owl looks down as the wee girlie stands there baffled holding nothing but a slobbery stick. (innuendo not intended but left in anyway)

Do you think this is where the phrase "there is a sucker born every minute" comes from?

3/20/2006 8:52:24 AM
Ok, looks like the toast thingy wasn't in the Kaballah, but an astute reader contacted me and generously provided a link to The Word is Toast. Must have heard that years ago at the feet of some deli guru years ago. So, just to prove I didn't make this up, here is an excerpt from that fount of crusty goodness, The Word is Toast.

"IN THE BEGINNING there was Toast, and the Toast came from God, and the Toast was God. There was Toast in the beginning with God. Of all things that were made by Him, was not anything made, that was made, more important than the Toast. In it was sustenance, and the sustenance was the salvation of mankind. And the sustenance fighteth against the Hunger, and the Hunger vanquished it not."

--Peter Higgins
--Good Friday, 2000

3/14/2006 8:24:25 PM
Oooops. I made somebody REALLY mad.

It seems I was totally wrong about that toast thing. He assures me there is NO reference to toast in the mystical Jewish writings.
I was so certain there was a toast reference. I do recall recently the image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast selling on ebay or something, so I'm convinced there is something mystical about toast. BUT, maybe it's a Christian thing? *shrug*

He's also pretty upset that I cited mystical Jewish writing on a forum like this. Ummmmmmm errmmmmmmm he didn't say why. I tried to write a humble apology (adjusts halo) but he blocked my email.

3/10/2006 6:46:11 PM

I read something interesting sometime ago in a Kaballah thingy. It was one of seven truths (hmmmm I think there were seven). I don't remember the others, perhaps they had something to do with dropped toast landing face down and stuff like that, so they didn't have as much impact as this "truth" did.

But it went something like this "at opposite ends of the spectrum all things have an equal effect"

I thought this was very cool, because it's really true. For example extremely bright light has the same effect as complete absence of light, we can't see. Sound at extremely high and extremely low pitches cannot be heard. And even things that are too sweet, taste bitter.

I think whoever wrote the Kaballah was pretty sharp, even if the toast thing is pretty obvious.

2/18/2006 9:24:00 AM
I don't know why people make relationships so complicated. You know, the basics are pretty simple. We all look at things from the perspective of our particular lens. Made up of experiences, things we are taught, and just our own quirky way of being. So a relationship is all about each of us focusing our lenses on the same thing for a time and looking at something new.
Ya know that old saying attributed to that guy Jesus "wherever two or more of you are gathered in my name, there I am also"?
Well, I think that's the thing. If two (or more) people come together and experience something together that is more than each of them would have experienced alone, that's where "God" resides, or is created, whichever way you like to see (feel/believe) it.
So many people start from the wrong side of the equation. Instead of getting together, cobbling together your lens lookie thingy, and going "OMG! WOW that's SO amazing!" They figure out what they WANT to see on the other side. Then they spend days, months, years searching, looking, agonizing because they can't seem to find the person whose lens fits theirs in the way that it creates what they WANT to see.
It's very sad. As for me, I just like new things, ideas, visions. If I've dreamed it, I've already seen it. Come look through my lens and see everything you've already seen differently, let me look through yours and all the world is new.
It's all so simple.

2/16/2006 6:10:27 PM
I am fascinated with the things I'm learning, about myself, and about people and emotions and the human spirit. What I'm finding most incredible about the lessons of this lifestyle is how miraculously opposites coexist together.

It's altogether a new way of experiencing the world. When pain begets pleasure. When bondage elicits ultimate freedom. When submission creates strength.

and that's just the beginning......

It's a kind of obvious spirituality.

1/25/2006 12:08:17 PM
When it's time to knit new clothes it's never an easy task. The unraveling begins, a time consuming endeavor, never as easy as pulling a single thread. Untangling knots and snarls and picking through the pieces to see what needs to go and what should remain. It's tedious, frustrating and sometimes sad, and as the old garments fall away there is a time when one is left naked, uncovered and vulnerable, standing among a pile of yarn.

1/20/2006 6:21:31 PM
Ok, it's all better now. I was kinda upset for a day or two but life goes on, and meeting new people and getting all kinds of encouragement and outrageous compliments helps a lot.

Thanks All!

Oh but now it's REALLY fun because I'm not a pre-noob anymore, I'm not as scared, and I still have my two favorite food groups that make life good, Pringles and M&M's. How could life get ANY better?

Well yeah, ok it could, but I'm doing that bright side thing, so keep it to yourself, k?

Well, if I had a point I can't remember what it was, so I guess I'll sign off for now.

1/15/2006 7:55:42 PM
Ouch! I've been dumped! But I've made it through the scariest part and learned some things and had some fun. (Oh Man! this is tough looking on the bright side!)

9/8/2005 4:57:23 PM

Still no real life experience, but I’m getting a much better idea of why I’m here, and why I’m NOT here. So, let me see if I can explain. I’m NOT looking for a long term relationship. I’m here to make friends first. If something develops from there, wonderful, if not, then I have a great new friend. I’m in no rush. I’ve managed to get by 42 years without this lifestyle.  I can survive a few more months.


I’m not into service. Sorry, I know that’s what many of you think it’s all about, but that’s not me. I’ve had enough years of putting everyone  before myself, and by damn, the well has run dry. I’m here to meet some fascinating, interesting people, experience some new things and have fun. If you think that makes me a player, pretender or wannabe….oh well. I’ve spent 42 years caring little what others think of me, I’m not going to start now. 


I’m not a fixer-upper. I function just fine in the adult world. I don’t need to be mentored, trained, molded or repaired. I’m perfectly happy with the person I am, the way I treat other people. My morals, principals and spiritual beliefs are firmly in place.  I could always use encouragement to complete the various challenges I’ve set for myself, but no one punishes me for failing but myself.

Hope this doesn’t sound too grouchy. I’m not a grouchy person, just trying to weed the garden a little bit. If I’m not what you are looking for, please pass me by instead of getting mad because you can’t convince me to be something else. I wouldn’t ask you to change into what I’m looking for, so why would you presume to ask me to?

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