thunderballs88 on Collarspace

4/5/2007 4:52:20 PM

Is BDSM Sick?
Words like "pain," "sadist," and "masochist" ring warning bells with
many newcomers to BDSM. People see these words and immediately think
of abusive, nonconsensual situations. Remember, though: BDSM refers
to consensual activity. This does not mean that no one who does BDSM
is abusive or ever gets abused, but simply that for a wide range of
people, S&M is fun, pleasurable, thoughtfully engaged-in, and
rewarding. The difference between abuse and consensual activity is a
constant area of concern in BDSM, whether one is considering one's
own situation, that of one's partner(s), or that of complete
outsiders over whom one has no control.

What draws individuals to BDSM varies from person to person. Many
folks daydream about it from childhood on and only discover it is
feasible to find commensurate partners much later in life. Others
MORE INFO:
An appeal of submission
stumble on it as adults out of the blue by hearing about it from a
friend or through the net or the media. Many submissives and bottoms
hold responsible positions in everyday life and find that the
contrast of being able to relax and be done to instead of doing all
the work is appealing. Many doms and tops are awestruck by feelings
of protectiveness and nurturing intertwined with any feelings of
power or sadism they experience toward their partners. Almost
universally, the actuality of what people experience is not like the
simplistic depictions of BDSM.

It is an open question whether those who are drawn to BDSM have, on
average, more frequent histories of traumatic childhood or lifetime
experiences than folks who have no interest in BDSM. There does not
seem to be any direct evidence suggesting this, although the question
occurs to almost everyone to wonder about.

The statistical evidence that attraction to BDSM is a problem or is
associated with difficulty functioning in everyday life is
inconclusive. Consequently, for several years now, the psychology
profession has not classified BDSM per se as aberrant behavior. (For
more information, see the current edition of the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV.) MORE INFO:
List of Kink-Aware
Professionals
If you are dissatisfied with your own therapist, doctor, or lawyer's
handling of BDSM matters, you can search for a more kink-friendly
professional. Race Bannon's Kink-Aware Professionals web site has a
listing by location.

It is certainly the case that there are folks who do BDSM who have
been abused or raped in their lives. Whether the incidence of such
histories is greater amongst those who do BDSM than in the vanilla
population is unknown. Figuring this out is complicated by two
factors.

First, the psychology profession often has as its main sample
primarily those who are troubled enough to ask for help. MORE INFO:
The Sadomasochism of
Everyday Life: A Review
This sample by its very nature is weighted by people who have been
subjected to troubled histories and nonconsensual abuses.
Unfortunately, those abusive activities are similar to activities
done consensually in modern BDSM. It is easy to forget that what is
done without consent and without love or caring may have no bearing
on what is done consensually, particularly if the activities sound
the same to an outsider.

A second important complication in comparing statistics prepared by
those of the psychology profession with the actual experience of BDSM
is that those who engage in BDSM often are or gradually become
unusually open and forthright about their histories. Playing with a
partner without letting on to such a history can risk stumbling on a
frightening recollection in the middle of a scene. That is, people
who do BDSM may have an incentive to be more forthright on average
about embarrassing or sad things in their past than those who do
vanilla sex. Thus, studies that compare BDSM to vanilla activities
might be biased by the fact that those who do BDSM are more likely to
report forthrightly any abusive histories they do have than vanillas.

The first rule of thumb when it comes to emotional safety is: When it
comes to you, do only what you want to do. If pain is not for you,
don't do it! If submission is not for you, don't do it! If topping or
domming is not for you, don't do it! The same goes for all aspects of
BDSM, including bondage, humiliation, suspension, electrical play,
whatever.... If you don't enjoy it, then don't do it. It's that
simple. What you do is your responsibility. If your partner wants you
to do it and you cannot, it is your responsibility to speak honestly
for yourself. You are not ready to play, much less to worry about
others, if you do not have the strength to evaluate and set your own
standards for yourself. And yes, life is complicated, not black and
white and not always trivial. But it is your job to take the final
responsibility for yourself.

The flip side of this observation is to have some faith that people
other than yourself who choose to engage in BDSM are also responsible
adults, even if they differ in astonishing ways from you! You will be
surprised to find that the people who do BDSM grapple with such
questions all the time. The religious, social, family, and friendship
taboos associating BDSM with abuse are so pervasive that almost no
one does BDSM without eventually wondering in some way about the
possible negative consequences or motivations behind what they are
doing. It's healthy to wonder, but in the end too much to be attacked
to the point that you are ashamed because of incessant social mores
about what you have chosen as an informed adult to do.

If someone has thought carefully about these issues, it is insulting
to challenge that person endlessly. On the other hand, to not
challenge someone to consider these issues can feel irresponsible.
There is no uniform answer to how to handle situations where you are
unsure how much the other party knows about the distinction between
abuse and consent. You just do the best you can to wend your way
between respect and concern.